The Pony Expressman rode 19 horses to death to bring you this news of THE POSTMAN
screening in LA last night. And whether it was all that riding or the film experience
itself... well The Pony Expressman ain't too happy. In fact this is what I would call a
scathing review. I would say the film severly angered The Pony Expressman. He wishes
to seek vengence for the wasted 3 hours of his life. I have to say this is the first review
that hasn't used the word "cheese" so far, but.. as you can see by reading it, that's not a
good thing. Surely someone out there liked this film? Right? Are you out there? I'd like
to see your review. If not... bum bumm bum buuuuummmmmm bum ba bada bum da
bummmmm. (Death march hymn)...

Last night I saw "The Postman" at the Warner Brothers studio theater. Before a
packed house, Kevin Costner stood up and proudly introduced his "epic yarn",
the print "literally still wet", saying he just wished he could see it the way
we were seeing it-- "for the first time." The vanity with which he introduced
the film pervaded the movie, an embarrassing three hour long exercise in self-
indulgence. As with "Waterworld" Costner has shamelessly ripped off of the
"The Road Warrior", but in an effort to give his monotonous posing and the
trite dialogue more meaning, he's brought along the American flag he abandoned
back in "Dances With Wolves". The film's astonishing lack of integrity and
finesse is sure to stun Costner fans and critics alike, if not destroy what
"Waterworld" has left of his career.

"The Postman" takes place only twenty years in the future, but it seems that
the world has already been through an apocalypse and been restored to a lush,
picture perfect forestland and somehow, the people have all lost all memory of
the most basic principals upon which the pre-apocalyptic society was based.
Costner plays a stereotypical wanderer who talks aloud to his only friend, a
beloved mule named "Bill". After he finds a mailman uniform and a bag of
mail, he easily dupes the people in the local communities into believing he's
a representative from a restored U.S. government in order to get food and
shelter. They're so thrilled to see him, they at one point break out into a
chorus of "America, The Beautiful" led by a little girl played by Costner's
real-life daughter. Naturally, he incurs the wrath of a local racist warlord
who hates the very idea of the U.S.A. and forces pureblooded white boys to
serve in his army or die.

What follows is one scene after the next in which the camera and the
supporting cast worship Costner from every angle imaginable with American
icons in the background of each shot. The scenery is beautiful, but sadly, it
can't drown out the mind-numbing dialogue which Costner himself "customized"
from a cliche-ridden script written--astonishingly--by the creators of
"Forrest Gump" and "L.A. Confidential". Costner's efforts to justify his
self-promotion by triggering our sense of patriotism backfire horribly. There
are senseless scenes that ravage the flimsy plot just to make Costner look
visually powerful, such as one in which Costner takes a dangerous high-speed
mini-gondola ride over a river for no apparent reason. It's as if Costner
thinks audiences are no more perceptive than the strangely ignorant masses in
the movie, and that we'll worship him for doing nothing more than riding a
horse and waving the flag. Instead of becoming the embodiment of all that is
good in America, Costner becomes the champion of the self-indulgence,
mediocrity and fraud that represent us at our worst. The film is an
embarrassment to Costner and the American heritage he so shamelessly tries to
exploit. It bored me and insulted my intelligence, but when I walked out I
felt sorry for Costner rather than angry--he seems so blissfully out of touch
with reality and in love with himself that when the film inevitably bombs,
he'll be left in a crippling state of bewilderment and despair. One can only
hope that the experience builds some of the character that the movie so sadly
lacks.