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A Pair of Darths look at UNIVERSAL SOLDIER 2
Wow... I am utterly shocked to have two negative looks at UNIVERSAL SOLDIER 2. I reeeeaaaallllly felt like it was a gooooooood iiiiiiiidea. I mean... suuuuure.... After the stunning BRILLLLIANCE of the first one... We fans were just dyiiiiiinnnnngg to see what happened next. I mean... To further examine and develop Van Damme's nuanced and textured character. What a chance! Now remember... this was a test screening, and the film isn't a finished product yet... so hold on to those deeeeeep hopes you have that this film can achieve the brilliant stature that it's predecessor achieved. Here are the Darths...
Hi Harry. Darth Siskel & Darth Ebert switching to your frequency for a
scoop on a screening of Universal Soldier: The Return, which we saw at a
wretched theatre of scum and villiany in the seedy part of Curuscant.
Here's what I, Darth Siskel thought of the movie, followed by Darth
Ebert's review. We pretty much saw eye to eye on this one.
The only thing we argued about was what sucked more.
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Darth Siskel transmitting with....would you believe it, the sequel to
Universal Soldier!
Yes, they actually had the balls to make a sequel to that
Devlin/Emmerich dreck (redundant), and they've come up with an
incredible title!
UNIVERSAL SOLDIER: THE RETURN
Wow, as mindblowingly creative as that title is, I would have prefered
Universal Soldier 2.
At least the first movie had a hook. A team-up of Van Damme & another
action star, Dolph Lundgren.
Don't look for Dolph Lundgren this time though. His character is still
dead, much like his career. What a shame since
he is more talented than Jean Claude who often resembles a retarded
french Buster Keaton, with no rythm.
Now let's get something straight. Van Damme only made one good movie in
his entire career.
BloodSport. Every other movie ranged from just "okay" to downright comma
enducing! Van Damme has a career that continues on and on for reasons
beyond comprehension. Satan himself gets pissed when a new Van Damme
movie opens.
Anyway, not to be preachy, just wanted you to know that going into this
movie, I was expecting it to be bad. My expectations were low but I was
pleasantly surprised! This movie rocked! It was better than The Matrix.
Actually, I'm kidding. The movie was worse than I thought it would be.
Instead of Dolph, this time we get Spawn as the villian. Michael Jae
White plays a newer/better Universal Soldier who becomes a shell for a
TOTAL RIPOFF OF HAL computer terminal that controls all the soldiers.
Yes a black Hal runs all the soldiers from a generic lab. Any semblance
of futuristic technology or vehicles is gone. (Lack of budget or style?)
When the government threatens to shut down the soldier program, Black
Hal's fucked up artificial intelligence decides to take over. Yes this
movie was more predictable than a Three's Comany episode. Black Hal's
name in the movie was Seth, and White played him like a cross between
Darth Vader and the T-1000. In a better movie, Seth could've been cool.
The B-1000. But in this, he just makes you laugh at every one of his
'over the top' gaze or line reads.
This movie is mostly mindless action, but it's not even good mindless
action. The fight scenes are lame, on par with Mortal Kombat2 or worse.
No groovy Matrix shots, no John Woo shootouts, and not even one good
fist fight. Instead we get an endless string of shody action scenes that
you can see weekly on any UPN show. What little dialouge there is in the
movie is just as bad as anything Van Damme has been in, but hearing him
say the lines only makes them worse. Fine it's an action movie, but if
you're going to purposely make a no substance action movie, at least
throw in some funny one liners. This had NO ONELINERS! In fact, Van
Dumm didn't even do his famous split manuever. You know, the move where
he's training and he spreads his legs apart as if it's supposed to
impress the audience. This time his insurance probably wouldn't cover it
because he'd break his hip, 'cause god knows, Van Damme ain't gettin'
any younger! If ever he made a buddy cop flick, Charles Bronson might be
a good partner. They could share Viagra shots. (This team up will be in
development next week)
As far as supporting cast, they will probably advertise this movie as
if it stars this asain workout chick, Kia from an ESPN workout show,
but really she's only in it about as much as Usher was in The Faculty.
At least Usher is natural! I figure they got her on a discount along
with some "Extreme Sports" stock footage, because the opening scene in
this movie, a confusing boat chase shootout looked like it was edited
together to a temp track of skipping indian music.
As with any lame ass action flick, the brains behind this gem insisted
on the standard 'tag along' girl character. Another news reporter that
is programmed to kiss the hero in the end like it was her fucking
destiny since birth. And of course to give something for Van Damme to
care about, something the bad guy could get his hands on and use as
bait(certainly he could care less about his own worthless life), they
pumped out a standard "child of hero" daughter character. Yes the
reporter wasn't enough, they needed to give us the little girl that
might as well have worn a T-shirt that said "Plot Device" on it. A
character who was only Van Damme's daughter because they told us she
was. God forbid if Van Damme would even acknoledge the kid's existence
other than in scenes where he grunted "Get her out of here!" .
Okay maybe I'm being a bit critical of a Van Damme movie. Sure this is
an "early cut" of the movie, but let's be honest....there's only so much
they can do. They already wrote, choreographed and shot this heap. Not
even Lucas could re-edit this into a good movie. Although some ILM would
definately help.
WAS ANYTHING GOOD IN THIS MOVIE?
This movie was entertaining only because it was lame. Definately not on
any level of being acceptable like the first movie, which although I
hated, at least had some sort of soul. This movie has some silly action
scenes with a big wrestler from WCW named Goldberg. I had to ask Darth
Ebert who the hell he was since the audience seemed to know him. So
Goldberg plays this big ol' Universal Soldier that is totally
unstopable. All throughout the movie, in many Terminatoresque
confrontations, Goldberg is temporarily stopped by bullets, fire,
trucks, you name it, and he just keeps on going after Van Damme, always
popping his head up after a defeat and cracking a stupid grin. He may
have actually had some oneliners now that I think of it! He was
basically the only comic relief in the movie, which translated into a
bit of relief from having to watch the movie.
ANYTHING ELSE GOOD?
Well.......hmmmmmm......ummmmmm......hmmmmmmmm........let me
see..............no.
On one level, if you're a wannabe film maker, and you want to be
insprired, and gain some hope that someday you too can be a film maker,
this is a great movie to watch. It's one of those movies that makes you
say, I can make crap just as bad as this, and for half the price! One
good director and a randomly chosen crew from people in the test
screening audience could assemble a better movie just based on
everyone's reaction to this, the latest hollywood masterpiece.
I give it one evil thumb down. Now here's my evil co-reviewer's take on
it.
Van-Damaged!!
Universal Soldier: The Rerun
Review by Darth Ebert.
The Van-Damn name always comes with a few disclaimers. Don’t expect
believable drama because Van-Damn has no acting skills. A Van-Damn movie
usually has as much substance as the movie popcorn… without the butter!
They are watered down, Americanized versions of Hong Kong action flicks.
Sometimes they are fun, but not this time.
THE PLOT!
I loved the plot in Universial Solder:The Return, especially when I saw
it the first time as Terminator II, 2001, and half a dozen other
ORIGINAL action movies.
Van-Damn reprises his role as Luke, the soldier who was killed in
Vietnam and revived as a Universal Soldier who’s memory of wanting to go
home drives him to be a hero against an army of other revived vets. You
know this because there’s a couple of odd references to the first movie
and a chopped up flashback that removes all images of Dolf Lungren.
Otherwise he might as well have been playing his own twin brother again
because this movie has no flicker of character in it.
Instead of BEING home, he now works for the a Universal Soldier 2500
program designed to make a better Universal Soldier, probably because
the first program was SUCH a good experience for him. Of course he
married the reporter from the first movie, and she died of cancer after
they had a daughter, who is now 12 years old and allowed free access to
the billion dollar research lab where they make Universal Soldiers. This
includes free baby sitting from SETH. The super computer brain that runs
all the new Universal Soldiers.
Let’s see. Daughter, Super computer brain, action movie, can anyone NOT
guess the plot?
If you’re still wondering, this should clinch it. The General comes in
and shuts the program down because of budget cuts. That’s right my
apprentices of the Sith, the super computer does a HAL 9000 and reads
the lips of, or just listens in on, they never make that very clear, the
general giving the heads of the project the bad news. But then it still
has to guess that Mr. Project Director is lying when he says everything
is all right. So SETH goes crazy to preserve himself and turns on all
the Universal Soldiers. Then he creates all kinds of high power computer
glitches that fry people trying to shut him down. Don’t you love when
computers in movies make desks explode by magically sending them a power
surge, then don’t even have to reboot and run scan disk for 2 hours!?!?!
Mr. Project Director, who happened to be one of two people who knew the
secret code that SETH needed to keep himself from shutting down after 8
hours, was of course killed. The other one is of course Van-Damn who is
then chased around in the movie by Universal Soldiers like the little
bald guy in a Benny Hill skit. At this point Van Damn meets his new
reporter love interest to replace his old reporter love interest, who
happened to be getting a tour of billion dollar research lab where they
make Universal Soldiers. Why not, they let little girls do their
homework on the super computer brain. She then follows him around
because he’s “her story” after her camera man is discarded by SETH like
tissue during flu season.
First they try to shut off SETH’s main power. At the same time Luke’s
sidekick played by Kia, the ESPN2 workout slut, is trying to get his
daughter to safety when she has to fight Goldberg, the main evil
Universal Soldier. Luke’s daughter re-enacts the Medic-Alert commercial
where Ms. Fletcher has “fallen and can’t get up”, and is taken to the
hospital.
Van-Damn and the reporter go to a strip club so Van-Damn can hack into
SETH on the strip clubs internet, and then have a stupid bar fight
scene. Also because this movie is in desperate need of some breasts. At
this point the Universal Soldiers follow them in their high tech shiny
black, TOYOTA Mini Vans. You know a movie is in trouble when the army is
driving things with airbags.
In the mean time SETH calls the disgruntled slob ex-programmer who made
him so he can find out where his body was. Then SETH gets his unburned
Spawn actor body and becomes a Super Universal Soldier/T1000 wannabe.
After a brief speech by SETH about how he’s better than mankind, he
heads off to capture Luke, but ends up letting him go for no apparent
reason and after killing the programmer who was helping him. Instead he
goes after Luke’s daughter killing a few generic white shirts along the
way just for good measure. Luke shows up there just a minute too late to
prevent SETH from kidnapping her because he was fighting Goldberg again.
Then everyone goes back to the billion dollar research lab for the big
finale where the General who cut the budget is about to blow up the
base. Of course Luke’s daughter is in there. This is when we get the
only good line of the movie. Luke turns to the hot reporter chick and
says, “You have to cover me while I go in and out.” When he gets in he
finds out ESPN2 Kia has been turned into a Universal Soldier and he
shoots her in a scene with all the regret and intensity of clearing off
your tray at McDonald’s. Then it’s off to face SETH.
SETH has placed his daughter in one of the Universal Soldier
rejuvenation centers which now apparently works for anyone with any
ailment as long as the computer program is running. So SETH kicks Luke’s
ass all over the place making like Black Terminator while LUKE keeps
pressing the return key between blows to keep the rejuvenation program
running. Then in a totally predictable climax he crawls around the
cryogenic freezing unit, and when SETH is in position, he shoots the
controls and freezes SETH ala T1000! Then he does a flying kick and
shatters him.
The End right? Nooooo! The torture isn’t over yet. He has to have one
last fight with Goldberg who is now leading the Universal Soldiers since
SETH is gone. He gets away when Kia shows up one last time to shoot
Goldberg, and say “It’s too late for me.” Then he runs out with out
giving a look back at his partner.
In the mean time SETH had disabled the bombs on the building, and
Goldberg’s troop are following him out to kick the army’s ass. So as
Luke is running away he shoots the bomb and sets them off all over the
building even though they're electronically triggered and not close to
each other.
Thank god, now the hurting can stop.
Other notes…
If you thought Chuck Norris was too old for action… wait till you see
Van-Damn now. Gone is his stereotypical leg on each counter move, along
with the rest of the action. There are two kinds of actors in major
films, great ones like Anthony Hopkins, Robert Deniro, and Pacino, and
people who play themselves, like John Wayne, Schwartzeneger, and
Van-Damn. Only Van-Damn doesn’t have the luxury of World War II, or
writers. I don’t think anyone ever goes to a Van-Damn movie to see him
practice his craft, we go because he has a brand identity that says this
will be a mindless action flick. That means WE don’t have to think about
it, not that the writers shouldn’t!
Goldberg has all the charm of the Stone Cold rip-off he is. As the Dolph
Lungren wannabe he falls far short ending up more funny than menacing,
and making Dolph’s original part seem Shakespearean in quality.
Kia doesn’t show her cans (sometimes called love lumps) and is seen in a
bra only once. Plus she’s barely in the movie at all never mind enough
to warrant a third credit above the line.
When Luke’s daughter is brought into the hospital they say they can’t
operate without parental consent even though her injury is life
threatening. I guess her HMO didn’t cover Universal Solider injuries.
She would have done better going to George Cloony…. as Batman.
Over all, the movie is the same commercial junk that lines mom and pop
video stores from sea to shining sea. The action is handled about as
well as it would be on Star Trek Voyager. In one scene Van Damn actually
seems to sleep through a gun battle to explain why he survived. The plot
is so generic that they could have saved the money on all the so-called
stars and made the movie a direct to Sci-fi channel release.
If you like movies with a kung fu theme, and some sci-fi in it, go see
Matrix again.
This movie wasn’t even good enough to be a Van-Damn film, and is a MUST
MISS unless you’re a film student who wants to see a great example of
what’s wrong in modern film.
I saw it for free and demanded my money back!
I give this movie one dark force throat grip.
I find your lack of plot disturbing.
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And yet, I have nothing to say. I feel strangely empty.
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Emmerich should be sterilized and put down so that neither he nor his offspring can make any more movie franchises.
What's more, Hollywood Execs need to wake up and ASK people if they would see a piece of crap like this... maybe have a little poll... that way we can avoid films like Universal Soldier: The Return without them actually MAKING it. Then they can concentrate on films people ACTUALLY want to see. -
Universal Soldier 2. Why? I don't know if this is being released theatrically but, Black Mask is a better variation on this theme. Although, I didn't like Black Mask I thought I'd just throw this substitution out there.
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I will start off by saying that I watch wrestling, but thats as close as I get to redneck waters here in Texas. I heard Goldberg was in this movie, and it brought back memories of those Hulk Hogan epics (No Holds Barred, Suburban Commando). Wrestlers are actors, so this is a natural progression. As for Van Damme, I thought his career and Segal's was in the tank. All they beat up now is their girlfrinds on Inside Edition. I never heard of the girl from ESPN 2 workout, lets face it, all those ESPN workout programs are nothing but soft porn.
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Oh my goodness this movie is gonna suck balls and im not talking about a little sucking im talking about hardcore porno sucking, like the stuff Harry posted on Tom Joad reports on Sex:the anabel chong story now i didnt even know that they were making a new Universal soldier this should suck worse then monica lewinsky when shes got a whole life time supply of cuban cigars!!!
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I wanna say first off that I was laughing all through this review. I'll actually go out of my way to see a really, really bad movie just because they're fun to laugh at, and this one sounds like a perfect example. As far as Goldberg goes, I'm a big unapologetic wrestling fan (wrestling rules!), so I had at least mild interest to hear that he was cast. Him playing a Terminator-type character COULD conceivably work, since that's basically the role he was playing until WCW until recently, and he is pretty impressive physically and all. However, it would get all shot to hell if they have him talk. Ever heard Goldberg talk? It's the least coherent, intimidating thing, I think, EVER. So, anyway, Goldberg could possibly make a somewhat cool villain if they gave him a dramatic entrance (like WCW does!) and then made him shut up for the rest of the movie, which I doubt they did. I'm certain this will suck, but I'm drawn to it like a car crash.
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This sounds like heinous godawful trash!!! (Where can I buy advance tickets?)
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I'd like to add that a few people walked out in the middle of this movie, which was FREE. That is never a good sign. :)
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hey now, the review actually made me laugh...good reading material while Im bored at work...Darth siskel have you seen a stinker called "RobotJox". I was invited to THAT test screening, and the audience was ripping up their review cards and throwing them at the screen. I swear I thought the director and the producers were gonna get Lynched for sure... So now that Van Damme's career has finally tanked, will he show up on CBS's new series Bloodsport: the series? I wish they would have resurrected the REAL Dolf Lungren character from the first movie, the one that got fed to the tree mulch maker...now that would be cool, an unstoppable hambuger patty type thing with lots of dripping ketchup.... YEAH YEAH!
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Well, to add to the previous post by the fella who went to a screening of Robojox and found it appauling, and to others who posted saying how clueless Hollywood is about making bad movies. Well, Robojox came and went, and believe it or not, there was a sequal called Robot Wars. Some people need to be dragged around by their sacks til they get it right. Hollywooooood executives must BURN!!!! Someone ealier was expressing his distaste also, well, as appauling as this movie is, they were able to pull off the appaulingness without Roland Emmerich's help, nor Dean Devlin. Let's see if these guys taking the helm can be as bad film makers as those Centropolis swine.
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So I should just take a hairy shit on the rug and stare at it for an hour and a half to understand this filmgoing experience?
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Gee, can you be any more sarcastic, Harry? I know this movie is gonna suck, you know this movie is gonna suck, everyone on the Net knows; hell, my dog groaned when I told him they were going to make a sequel to that piece of shit. Now who was the genius that said "I know, let's make a sequel to Universal Soldier!" And who were the idiots at the studio who were stupid enough to listen to him? It's gotta be the worst idea since Future Kill. Lord, grant me the patience...NOW!
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Cool, cool, cool! Wow, "The Return"! Damn, I wish I had thought of that title. Geekgasums gallore! Screw "The Phantom Menace" I'm camping out for this one right now!!
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I was actually on the short list for SETH on this one (a race-irrelevant part) ... and I think in part due to these hilarious reviews, I have *never* before been so happy I *didn't* book. I'm actually a touch surprised. This is Mic Rodgers first directing effort. Up until now, Mic has been stunt coordinator for some really high profile shoots such as Payback and *most* of the Lethal Weapons. I thought, *of course* the script is nothing to write home about, but at least with Mic on board, the action will be cool, as it has been on most his other films. Woops! Guess not. Wish I had the script in front of me, because the description of the penultimate fight would crack you up. It said something like "the most amazing fight ever filmed ..." instead of writing for the most part what happened. One thing that it *did* specifically write for that fight sequence, is ... you guessed it ... Jean dirt clod doing that slits thing to avoid some stuff SETH was throwing at him. Guess that "Hollywood's nicest actor" (cough cough) could not even do the one thing that sets him apart in a trivial way from every other "actor." One of my friends, who was one of the lead martial arts villains in "Knock off," said that a BIG MAJORITY
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... of the fights were done by stunt martial artists, with Jean the clod stepping in at the last minute. My friend said that he would be *very* scared when Jean the clod would step in, because often Jean the clod would be "visibly" wobbling, and my friend did not want to suffer the fate of that stunt guy who had his eye severely damaged (blinded?) when Jean the clod misjudged distance and smacked him in the face. Hey guys. Great reviews! thanks for making my day. best, sterling
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Nitpick I must -- it's Coruscant, not Curuscant. And Emmerich did not direct this f..uh mo...uh...POS film reel. And BTW, Sterling, it is an honor to be in your prescense. I can't wait to tell everyone I know the SN of the guy who lost to Michael Jai White the coveted SETH role in US2 (just kidding).
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It sounds about as appealing as 90% of the other movies coming out of Hollywood nowadays... (BTW Wonderful review, I LOVE vitriolic, and downright nasty reviews which can express a negative opinion without repetitive use of four letter expletives...)
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VAN DAMME has got to be the worst actor in the last 20 years of HOLLYWOOD,for a long time it was without a doubt ARNIE,have you seen him in TOTAL RECALL,the guy's acting is sooo wooden, he nearly ruins the movie!!.Anyway back to VAN DAMME,the only thing he does, is a slo motion highkick. SEAGAL is a better actor than both ARNIE and DAMME,go watch UNDERSIEGE 2,it's a lot better than THE ROCK and CON AIR.,and also in MARKED FOR DEATH some of the fighting sequences are really good.But anyway SEAGAL'S and VAN DAMME'S careers are now over,most of their movies now only comeout on video.
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...just like the first piece of shit. Geez, maybe that's why all of these royal fuckjobs are being made, so that MST3K will never run out of material. Sounds good to me...
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SINCE WHEN IS DE NIRO a great star or actor.In GOODFELLAS it was JOE PESCI that made the movie. In RAGING BULL it was PESCI again that stole the show.And now in the 90's all of DE NIRO'S movies last about 3 hours and are nonstop voiceover.In the 70's he was good but now he makes a new movie every other month.
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Nice review...one of the funnier things I've read in a while. You didn't answer the burning question, though. How could Jean-Claude have fathered a kid (insert JC gay joke here)? If memory serves, isn't he supposed to be a zombie of some sort? Just what are they putting in the water at the Uni-sol facility, anyway?
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Nice review...one of the funnier things I've read in a while. You didn't answer the burning question, though. How could Jean-Claude have fathered a kid (insert JC gay joke here)? If memory serves, isn't he supposed to be a zombie of some sort? Just what are they putting in the water at the Uni-sol facility, anyway?
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The first universal soldier kicked ass. Now Jean has made some BAD movies..but not all of them are bad. Hard Target kicked ass. Time-cop was good. Leggionaire was ok. Street fighter wasn't as good as everyone wanted it to be, but it was still entertaining. Sudden death was as good as any Bruce willis flick.
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Oh no you don't. Street Fighter was a fucking travesty! It was written and directed by the guy who did DieHard(one of the best movies of all time) and it was one of the worst movies of all time! ----
I was playing Street Fighter in the arcades when it came out. Then I was hooked on StreetFighter2, which is what that movie was based on. They took more liberties with that movie than the fucking DareDevil Hulk movie!! You must be a kid, born before StreetFighter2 because HardTarget sucked hard, as did the first Universal SOldier. I grew up on Eighties movies. DIEHARD, Predator, RObocop, Aliens, Total Recall, Lethal Weapon(part 1!), these were movies!! Van Damme is gay. -
The only reason Gayberg is even in this movie is because Stone Cold Steve Austin and the WWF turned it down. The role was offered to Stone Cold first, but the WWF did not want Austin associated with this worthless crap that is sure to flop like all of Van Damme's borefests. And that's the bottom line, cuz Stone Cold said so!
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I live in Venezuela, and in my video club, they have Universal Soldier 2 and Universal Soldier 3 for rent, I think they are pirate copies like most of the movies in that place, but they are there, i can go tomorrow and get them both, neither Van Damme or Dolph Lundgren are featured in any of the films, but Burt Reynolds costars in US3.
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So you didn't like Universal Soldier I, Street Fighter, and Hard Target. They should let you review Universal Soldier II since you obviously don't like those type of movies. Do us Van Damme fans and stay the h*ll out of the theater when his movie is on. I'll bet you like Baseketball!
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