Hey, everyone. ”Moriarty” here.

I have to confess... I would be shocked to hear anyone give this movie a pass. It’s such a complete disaster that I think it’s pretty much a litmus test of your critical faculties. If you can’t understand why this movie misses the mark completely, then maybe you don’t understand the basics of cinematic grammar and narrative structure, because it’s not a few minor things that are wrong with this film... it’s everything.

I’ll have my own review up later, once I can actually wrap my head around just how to approach the topic, but for now, here’s Capone with a well-reasoned take on it.

Hey, everyone. Capone in Chicago here. I genuinely struggled to figure out how to start this review. I see so many unwanted and unnecessary sequels every year, that I thought it would be a treat to see one of my favorite films from 10 years ago get some sort of follow-up today. Cate Blanchett returns to play England's Queen Elizabeth I, a role that catapulted her into something resembling stardom. But more importantly, it was our first indication that, as an actress, Blanchett could do anything. Shekhar Kapur's vibrant and thriving direction also heightened the pure joy ELIZABETH gave us in 1998. The absolutely killer cast--including Geoffrey Rush, Joseph Fiennes, Richard Attenborough, John Gielgud, Vincent Cassel, Christopher Eccleston, Fanny Ardant, and Emily Mortimer—didn't hurt either.

So here we are today. Same lead actress, same director, another stellar cast, extravagant costumes and rich color schemes. So what the hell went wrong with ELIZABETH: THE GOLDEN AGE, a flimsy film that is in desperate need of a backbone? More soap opera than history lesson, this movie is so bad in every respect that it's difficult to pinpoint exactly where things fall apart. Absolutely nothing works here. The cast seems to know that the words coming out of their mouths are essentially overblown, melodramatic junk that soap opera writers would laugh at. Rush returns as the queen's chief counselor Sir Francis Walsingham, but he doesn't do anything except skulk around looking devious. My latest crush, Abbie Cornish, is on hand as the queen's lady-in-waiting, but we know nothing about her, and she's given nothing to do except act as a plot device for Clive Owen's explorer/pirate Sir Walter Raleigh to fall in love with and make the queen insanely jealous. Owen's work here is perhaps the most disappointing in the entire film. As much as I think the guy can do no wrong, he's embarrassingly wrong for this role.

What's worse, Kapur gives the romance aspect of this film far too much screen time. I may not have mentioned it, but England is on the brink of devastation at the hands of the Spanish Armada and the imprisoned rightful queen, Mary-Queen of Scots (Samantha Morton, yet another great actress utterly wasted here). But the significance of these events pales in comparison to the queen having a hissy fit over Raleigh impregnating her servant girl…because that never happens.

On the rare occasion, I am at a loss for words to tell you how much I enjoy a particular film, but in this case words fail to convey just how colossal a failure THE GOLDEN AGE manages to be. Forget being bored; I eventually became downright pissed off at how this film was slapped together. There's an assassination attempt on Elizabeth that is so stagey and overplayed as to be laughable. It's clear Kapur prefers style over substance, almost opting to make Blanchett look exotic and strange instead of developing her character and the backstories of those around her. A master class could be taught showing just bits of this movie as an example of how not to make a film and how to ruin a perfectly good thing by trying to repeat yourself. Do yourself a favor: If you have any affection for the original ELIZABETH, stay as far away from ELIZABETH: THE GOLDEN AGE as you possibly can. For me to say more about this film might give you the undesirable impression that it's actually worth discussing at all.

Capone