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Massawyrm Invokes THE BARBARIANS When Discussing THE SEEKER: THE DARK IS RISING!!

Hola all. Massawyrm here. When I was 10 years old the first Blockbuster Video opened in our city, just a few miles from my house. It was enormous. No longer was I stuck being confined to what they were renting at the Circle K or at the small, hole in the wall mom and pop shop that I had long picked clean of gems. No. This place boasted over 8,000 titles. 8,000. The mind boggled. And while I often perused the many titles and dreamed of what might be behind those mysterious covers, there was only one movie I ever went home with. Fuck the other 7,999 movies. I was gonna rent The Barbarians. Hell. Yes. That was the shit. To the 10 year old Massawyrm The Barbarians was awesome on a stick, deep-fried and served up with a heaping side of kick ass. It was everything a movie should be. Funny. Exciting. And rated R. I could never quite figure out why the Barbarian brothers had never made another movie, a follow up to their stunning success. I always assumed their wrestling careers were more important. Flash forward 15 years and I'm having another one of my movie arguments with one of my video store buddies when The Barbarians comes up. Much to my dismay there was a furious bout of laughter at my beloved sword and sandal epic. Silly? Retarded? Gawdawful? Oh yeah? I'll show them. So I took it home that night, popped it in the VCR…and my jaw dropped. And my testicles climbed so far up into the trunk of my body that I could almost taste them. What in God's name was this happy horseshit? This wasn't the awesomeness I remembered. This was Dogshit on a stick, deep-fried and served with a heaping side of WTF? But there it was. The Barbarians. In all its suckass glory. A little piece of my childhood died that day and I learned a valuable lesson about the all too important line between the movies we love as a child and movies that are actually childhood classics. So why the memory lane preamble? Because later today, somewhere, out there in the real world, some ten year old is going to plop his weekly allowance down on a movie theatre counter and will make his way into a dark and exciting theatre…to watch his generations The Barbarians. As my childhood favorite capitalized upon the success of Conan the Barbarian, so too does this strive to capitalize on the Harry Potter craze. And to someone who doesn't know any better, this will no doubt be that awesome on a stick I was talking about. He will wonder allowed why they never make a sequel. He will never question why it is never rented out when he goes to the video store. But one day that 10 year old will grow up, he will go to college, he will argue movies with his buddies…and he will get laughed at for so much as even mentioning The Seeker: The Dark is Rising. This movie isn't just awful – it is ri-goddamned-diculous. It is a nonsensical attempt at constructing a fantasy film out of the flimsiest of fantasy concepts, spackled together with one of the lamest, most comical mythologies to date. But it isn't just the ideas that make this an atrocity to anyone who knows better – because if the ideas aren't bad enough, the dialog attempting to convey them is positively criminal. There's a scene in which the dialog is so clumsy, so deliberately stubborn, that I swear to god Ian McShane had downed an entire fifth of whiskey to lubricate them out. You don't underssstand…you're the ssseeeker. I about wet myself it was so fucking funny. Sadly this was one glowing moment in a drab, uneventful film. One can forgive bad mythologies and even worse dialog if something interesting happens. But here it never does. And despite its excellent casting choices for a few key roles, namely McShane and Christopher Eccleston, no one is given anything to do but speak to our hero, who in turn waits around for things to happen to him. What the whole movie boils down to is a 14 year old kid wandering around his hometown waiting to see trippy fractal patterns before he magically shifts through time, picks up a trinket that is never all that hard to get then returns to his own time where Christopher Eccleston is waiting to ask him for it. He says no. Eccleston glowers then rides off menacingly. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. That's it. That's the whole fucking movie. Boring, unbelievably derivative in both story and storytelling and there isn't even a single sequence that made me say Well at least this part was cool. Nothing. Okay, so the big black CG cloud following around Eccleston was pretty neat – in the way that it was nice to see the cloud from Lost getting some work. But that was it. If Tom Rothman strapped me down to a chair, put a gun to my head and forced me to watch this or Eragon, I wouldn't hesitate for a second. I'd watch Eragon. At least that had some fucking dragons. This movie just talks about them. I'm embarrassed that I wasted the gas to drive to this thing. Its memory cannot fade fast enough as it so inevitably will. This is a film only to be enjoyed by those who don't know any better. I envy them. I almost wish I could go back in time to a point which a movie this diabolically terrible could amuse me to no end. Not even REMOTELY recommended to anyone who has even so much as heard the word puberty. Until next time friends, smoke ‘em if ya got ‘em. Massawyrm
Something's rising all right. But it ain't the dark.



Readers Talkback
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  • Oct. 5, 2007, 9:39 a.m. CST

    FIRST

    by Nucking Futs

    I WON'T be the FIRST one in line to see this god awful movie

  • Oct. 5, 2007, 9:40 a.m. CST

    Second

    by kevinwillis.net

    Or Third. Just to piss off the folks who feel obligated to comment on the juvenility of every "FIRST!!!" Post.

  • Oct. 5, 2007, 9:43 a.m. CST

    I loved House 2 when I was a kid.

    by DerLanghaarige

    I just watched it again last week, for the first time after probably 15 years. And guess what? I still love it (Although I now see lots of flaws and plotholes that I didn'T see as a kid.).

  • Oct. 5, 2007, 9:51 a.m. CST

    This looked awful from the trailer

    by kwisatzhaderach

    A shame, the book is actually quite good. Although as I understand it the original English setting has been junked for a contemporary American setting. Dumbasses. Another lame Fox movie.

  • Oct. 5, 2007, 9:55 a.m. CST

    "cloud" comment was awesome...

    by Romoehlio

    nice! will we see it on the island again? is jacks father alive? and why the fuck dont they ever just sit down and talk about it all?

  • Oct. 5, 2007, 9:58 a.m. CST

    harry potter ripoff #284

    by ironic_name

    "fantastic." <P> name the character & show!

  • Oct. 5, 2007, 10:02 a.m. CST

    Yeah,hat Barbarian Brothers

    by Omar B

    Yeah,hat Barbarian Brothers movie did suck. But sucked in that way that you had to watch to see the next swordfight or next half naked chick.

  • Oct. 5, 2007, 10:04 a.m. CST

    I saw this

    by red_weed

    and i think you are right about many things. But I found quite a lot of it funny, and i actually thought the main kid was much more interesting that that guy from eragon. And I'm sorry, I love him as dr. who but chris doesn't make a good bad guy, every time he opened his mouth and spoke that ridiculously self important dialogue in his funny english accent i crack up. But I still think I like this more than eragon.

  • Oct. 5, 2007, 10:06 a.m. CST

    Wondered "ALOUD", you moron....

    by googamooga

    Oh, and btw, "Ice Pirates" at 11, AWESOME, "Ice Pirates" at 35, SHITE.

  • Oct. 5, 2007, 10:08 a.m. CST

    my childhood obsession...

    by furryfreak

    was krull, i used to rent it all the time. haven't seen it since, and that's probably a good thing.

  • Oct. 5, 2007, 10:10 a.m. CST

    Yikes!

    by DeadPanWalking

    Hearing of Massawyrm's love of The Barbarians made me feel like a therapist who takes on a difficult patient hoping to help him then realizes within 10 minutes of the first session that this guy is so far beyond my capabilities that my life very well could be in danger and why did I trap myself in a room with this guy?

  • Oct. 5, 2007, 10:11 a.m. CST

    Worse than Eragon?

    by Klaus Herzog

    Wow, now that's quite an achievements.

  • Oct. 5, 2007, 10:12 a.m. CST

    Ah, but Massawyrm, they did make another movie!

    by punisher5150

    Although it wasn't a sequel to The Barbarians, it was just as sucky. Maybe worse. It was called double Trouble. One of them was a good cop, the other a gangster, and the plot had something to do with diamonds. Check out IMDB and the half-shirt the cop wore through the movie, along with the really bad mullets! But stay away from this at the video store. You'll never be able to wash that crap smell off of you!

  • Oct. 5, 2007, 10:20 a.m. CST

    As predicted...

    by wildwinter

    They've absolutely murdered one of the best-written series of books ever. After the author, for years, said she was holding out for a movie deal 'that would do it justice'. Yeah, right. I don't think I can even bring myself to go and see the film for free. I'll be shouting at the screen.

  • Oct. 5, 2007, 10:25 a.m. CST

    when Arthurian legend becomes weak mythology

    by freydis

    you know you have absolutely ruined your story.

  • Oct. 5, 2007, 10:26 a.m. CST

    when Arthurian legend becomes weak mythology

    by freydis

    you know you have absolutely ruined your story.

  • Oct. 5, 2007, 10:34 a.m. CST

    Krull actually ISN'T that bad...

    by googamooga

    I just watched it again recently, and while it doesn't have the same "OH WOW THAT'S AWESOME!" factor, it's still very watchable. Much more so than a few other childhood favorites such as "Hawk the Slayer" and "Beastmaster". Ugh.

  • Oct. 5, 2007, 10:36 a.m. CST

    What's wrong with people?

    by WaylandSmith

    I really liked the book The Dark Is Rising and even read it every Christmas for a long time. After The Lord Of The Rings and Harry Potter movies why won't they learn to make the movies like the books? I think the Narnia movie even felt like the book. This movie should feel like a mystery or suspense movie. Even horror! As soon as I saw the kid zapping mall guards I knew it was gonna suck. There's no zapping in this story! Jeez... I'll not see it.

  • Oct. 5, 2007, 10:49 a.m. CST

    Childhood loves

    by The_Fredo

    So far, here's what I've learned: <BR> <BR> Krull: still holds up. Yes, some of the acting is wooden and the "mythology" is questionable. But fire mares, cyclops, Widow of the Web...all of that still rocks. <BR> Beastmaster: Deflated. Whoever was the beastmaster looks bad, the animal effects are obvious and the whole thing feels like a cheap Conan rip-off. <BR> Sword and the Sorcerer: doesn't even remotely hold up. Not even as a MST3K candidate. I mean, even the 3-blade sword makes no sense. <BR> Flash Gordon: I make no bones about it. I love the hell out of this shitty film. I'm still waiting for that sequel with Sam Jones and Max Von Sydow. Everyone, quote Brian Blessed: <BR> <BR> <BR> ...."DIVE!" <BR> Yor: nope, never like it. Not even as a kid. That monstrosity just sucked balls. <BR> Megaforce: AKA GI Joe Done Wrong. Spandex, bad hair and bad effects.

  • Oct. 5, 2007, 10:50 a.m. CST

    Beastmaster

    by furryfreak

    the most interesting characters were the ferrets. not a good sign. seriously, the ferrets were cool.

  • Oct. 5, 2007, 10:53 a.m. CST

    Solarbabies!!

    by maxwell's hammer

    The perfect movie i loved as a kid that is dumb enough to make your nose bleed when watched as an adult.

  • Oct. 5, 2007, 11:39 a.m. CST

    If you wanted something closer to the book...

    by Anna Valerious

    ...Then just ask BBC to make it. It's that simple. Then again, remember how "Earthsea" was badly received? BOTH versions-the TV movie and the anime. Fuck it, I'm just gonna enjoy it and drool after Dr. Nine looking like a J-Rocker and later cosplaying as him for Halloween... Then again, Fox is starting to smarten up after all the mistakes they made with "Eragon"...who the hell thinks they can make a 700 page fantasy novel in under 2 hours? Dammit...

  • Oct. 5, 2007, 11:52 a.m. CST

    I wish BBC...

    by WaylandSmith

    ...would take a stab at this series. I think this is a tale that would actually benefit from a smaller budget and a more dramatic approach. Not to mention a more British feel. Ah, well...

  • Oct. 5, 2007, noon CST

    And also...

    by Anna Valerious

    ...I will admit that I was disappointed that Miyazaki fucked around with "Howl's Moving Castle" by adding an anti-war message. Fuck, that has lost its meaning because it's tacked onto too many movies these days. Isn't the main message of that story to believe in yourself no matter what others think? Maybe BBC should go and do that one, too. (Okay, personally, on "The Dark is Rising", I found it to be boring with some good moments. That's why it should be on BBC as a closer to the book deal. They had to change it because no one's going to watch a film like that in the theater. And frankly, it's the type of stuff I like to see...especially with some slash pairings.)

  • Oct. 5, 2007, 12:05 p.m. CST

    Ice Pirates

    by Bloo

    which someone mentioned above was my childhood favorite<P>on a unrealted note, the movie that give me freaky dreams all summer long, Superman 3

  • Oct. 5, 2007, 12:06 p.m. CST

    And before I leave...

    by Anna Valerious

    Loved "Mannequin" (Both of them) and "Willow" as a girl. Still like 'em as comfort movies. :)

  • Oct. 5, 2007, 12:11 p.m. CST

    kim catrall and andrew mcarthy

    by ironic_name

    memories.. hideous, hideous memories. <P> big trouble in little china, batman and tmnt are what I saw growing up.

  • Oct. 5, 2007, 12:16 p.m. CST

    "fantastic"

    by ironic_name

    9th doctor, DR. WHO.

  • Oct. 5, 2007, 12:17 p.m. CST

    I loved Surf Ninjas AND 3 Ninjas...

    by Raymar

    I still maintain the belief that Surf Ninjas would hold up but I'm probably wrong too.

  • Oct. 5, 2007, 12:26 p.m. CST

    yeah, krull's worth a watch on a saturday afternoon

    by occula

    it's honestly not that horrible. i'm not sure why - but i've kinda enjoyed seeing it the few times it's been on cable. bummer about ice pirates. what about 'cloak and dagger'? how's that hold up? i'm up for a 'war games' and 'cloak and dagger' double-play, if i can find my vcr in the garage.

  • Oct. 5, 2007, 12:28 p.m. CST

    i'm deliberately avoiding commenting on this movie

    by occula

    because it symbolizes to me everything that is evil and wrong about the film industry.

  • Oct. 5, 2007, 12:28 p.m. CST

    i'm deliberately avoiding commenting on this movie

    by occula

    because it symbolizes to me everything that is evil and wrong about the film industry. oops, i guess i just commented on it.

  • Oct. 5, 2007, 12:35 p.m. CST

    come on beastmaster was a well crafted film

    by lilgorgor

    i think its only major flaw was a lack of budget.

  • Oct. 5, 2007, 12:57 p.m. CST

    Oh, NOW I know what Barbarian movie you mean!

    by DerLanghaarige

    I saw it as a kid on TV. I remember it as a very harmless and funny fantasy movie, so I guess they cut it down and gave it a funny dubbing, which was very popular at that time. (Rainer Brandt FTW! But he is the only one who can make this right.)

  • Oct. 5, 2007, 1 p.m. CST

    Swamp Thing, Spacehunter(3D), Enemy Mine

    by Nice Marmot

    3 movies I haven't seen since I was a kid, that I just know would make me laugh out loud today. Was also a huge fan of already mentioned Krull, Beastmaster, and Ice Pirates. I still watch Flash Gordon and love to death. A masterpiece of so-bad-its-good cinema.

  • Oct. 5, 2007, 1:12 p.m. CST

    The Barbarians, directed by

    by TheNorthlander

    Ruggero "Cannibal Holocaust" Deodato? Haven't seen, and won't. The Beastmaster was too much for me, even as a kid. There's only one Barbarian movie.

  • Oct. 5, 2007, 1:17 p.m. CST

    Anybody see that cut scene from Natural Born Killers?

    by Nice Marmot

    Where Mickey & Malorie realize they are trying to kill the Barbarian brothers and spare their lives cause they are huge fans? They are in the middle of cutting their legs off or something. I saw it and thought it was a good thing it was cut out.

  • Oct. 5, 2007, 1:19 p.m. CST

    the ator movies are cool

    by LarryTheCableGuy

    and don't forget twin sitters with the barbarian bros.

  • Oct. 5, 2007, 1:31 p.m. CST

    Krull

    by kwisatzhaderach

    I watched this two nights ago, great fun. Cool James Horner score too, very reminiscent of Star Trek II/III/Aliens. At least those films in the 80s had imagination and pushed against their budget. Krull has a fortress that changes location every 24 hours, alien armies, a one-eyed dude, the Widow in the Web and a real sense of myth and adventure. You can't say that about any of the homogenised crap that comes out of Hollywood today. These movies had a real sense of wonder and innocence that have been replaced by cynicism.

  • Oct. 5, 2007, 1:38 p.m. CST

    KRULL is fine

    by Sepulchrave

    The prince is a dick but Freddie Jones is the bomb. The Princess is cute, Ergo the Magnificent is a hoot and there's some really nice bits, like the changeling Emerald Seer and Francesca Annis as the Widow of the Web. This PIECE of SHIT is brought to us courtesy of filthy Christian activist and right wing propagandist Cunningham, who is out to subvert Hollywood's paganism and evil ways, presumably by castrating old English stories that discount Christianity.

  • Oct. 5, 2007, 1:42 p.m. CST

    Ian McShane is, I am sorry to say, retarded

    by Sepulchrave

    Anyone who struggles with a 120 page children's fantasy that I read when I was nine, describing it as 'dense' and 'difficult' is clearly a mongoloid.

  • Oct. 5, 2007, 1:58 p.m. CST

    Ahhh yes, the Glave!

    by Nice Marmot

    The coolest weapon ever to be used just once.

  • Oct. 5, 2007, 2 p.m. CST

    More news from the "WTF" file...

    by Breotan

    It appears that they're remaking, er, I mean "reimagining" the craptacular ICE PLANET.<p>Yes. ICE PLANET.

  • Oct. 5, 2007, 2:08 p.m. CST

    How much O'Keefe?....

    by seniorspeilbergio

    Miles O'Keefe! Anyone remember the Ator films? Hilarious. Just as much cheesy entertainment as Beastmaster. O'Keefe runs around in a fur bikini that looks like it was borrowed off Raquel Welch and wears a bad, bleach blonde wig and fights giant spiders that look like furry bean bag chairs with legs attatched to it. I think there were three of them. They use to play them on USA Up All Night at about 3 in the morning. Awesome.

  • Oct. 5, 2007, 3:06 p.m. CST

    Dude

    by jelac07

    My "Barbarians" was Ice Pirates. I must have watched that movie at the $.75 Movie Theatre (where they ran 3 movies for $.75, all 2nd run) a million times. Then about 8 years ago tried to find it on VHS, went to all sorts of trouble and ordered through a catalogue for some ridiculous sum of money... <br><br>Lo and Behold, it was the biggest piece of shit I have ever seen in my life, I couldn't even make it to the "big afro scene"... man... childhood raped...will never be the same again. It wasn't even "so bad it's good funny"... still have it though and a reminder to myself..

  • Oct. 5, 2007, 3:19 p.m. CST

    I was excited for a few minutes

    by Jack Burton

    Then I saw the trailer for "The Dark is Rising." Then I saw the trailers for "The Seeker: The Dark is Rising", then I saw the trailer for "The Seeker" and went, "WTF are they doing?!" I was more excited to see a movie based on The Dark is Rising Cycle than I was LOTR. The trailer was total shit, you could already see the movie bombing 2 months before release. Is Susan Cooper still alive? Did she authorize them to shitty up her incredible books?

  • Oct. 5, 2007, 3:25 p.m. CST

    Another Great book hacked to pieces by Hollywood

    by Merriman Lyon

    This movie COULD have been great if they had made a decent attempt to adapt the book faithfully. This was potentially a Harry Potter beater. The book has a terrific atmosphere - think of a cross between the original OMEN movie and THE BIRDS. All they had to do was translate that into the movie. But instead they decided to throw the book away and make the stupidist changes imaginable - like turning the main character into and American teen. WTF? (imagine if they had done this to Harry Potter). This is a train wreck of a movie - read the book instead. It's one of the best fantasy books around.

  • Oct. 5, 2007, 3:34 p.m. CST

    Ian McShane

    by Al Swearengen

    Yes, I downed an entire bottle of whiskey and fucked several of my whores before deliverin' any of my sorry fuckin' dialog.

  • Oct. 5, 2007, 5:23 p.m. CST

    Did someone just say "Ice Pirates"?

    by FookU

    I haven't seen or heard about that one in a Looooong time. It was fun as a kid but I know it didn't age well at all. Remember the Space Herpes?

  • Oct. 5, 2007, 5:29 p.m. CST

    Ice Pirates aged like a steak left out on the porch

    by googamooga

    I looked for that movie for AGES, and was super excited when I found out it was going to be released on dvd (2005 or 2006, can't remember exactly). As soon as it came out I ran out and picked it up. About 15 minutes into it I thought, "What the motherfrack?" I immediately put that turd on Ebay and sold it for a dollar less than I paid for it. Lesson learned.

  • Oct. 5, 2007, 5:32 p.m. CST

    Deodato's The Barbarians

    by Jaws Wayne

    Haha, I own this movie on VHS. I bought it right away as an ex-rental when I saw Ruggero Deodato's name mentioned on the box. I wasn't a kid though, more like 30 or so and I had a really good time watching it. It's actually a movie I would pay good money for if that was released on DVD, as for me entertainment wise hardly anything tops Italian genre flicks. As for Krull, that's a damn fine fantasy movie, don't give me the "it's really cheesy" bullshit. I'm not saying it's "better" but I personally like it more than the Jackson Ring movies.

  • Oct. 5, 2007, 5:39 p.m. CST

    Trailer for : The Barbarians

    by Jaws Wayne

    Just found this great looking video trailer, now tell me this does not look like an entertaining movie... http://tinyurl.com/38q94f

  • Oct. 5, 2007, 6:13 p.m. CST

    Yeah, I loved Lawrence of Arabia when I was a kid...

    by Womb2dooM

    ... wow that turned out to be a stinker! Peter The'toole was horribly miscast. Doesn't even look like a Arab!

  • Oct. 5, 2007, 6:27 p.m. CST

    Ditto all the book comments

    by Geoduck42

    One of the great childrens' fantasy series. Especially if they are Harry Potter fans, do your kids a favor and give them the books to read instead of wasting money on this movie.

  • Oct. 5, 2007, 6:50 p.m. CST

    Cut scenes from NBK...the Ashley Judd one was AWESOME

    by CarmillaVonDoom

    This "Seeker" movie looks like poop. Ian McShane gotta eat.

  • Oct. 5, 2007, 6:58 p.m. CST

    Knightriders (1981)

    by BillyPilgrim

    Now that was a fun movie. I was to young to realize that it was directed by George A Romero. I wonder if Ed Harris looks back on this one with pride?

  • Oct. 5, 2007, 7:06 p.m. CST

    Book-to-Movie Disappointment Again..

    by Malbotti

    I loved the Dark is Rising sequence when I was a little kid. When I heard that they would be making a movie about the 2nd book, I was disappointed that they were starting out of order but still excited that such a great series was getting it's due. I decided to buy those books again and re-read them before the movie opened. I was surprised to find how much I could still enjoy them as an adult. Sure, there was some corniness that comes with any kid book, but so much could still be enjoyed as an adult (a la Harry Potter). But now that I've seen the trailers and confirmed it with this review, I don't plan on seeing this movie ever. Do yourself a favor and pick up the books. They're cheap, fun, and far worthier of your time.

  • Oct. 5, 2007, 7:22 p.m. CST

    Merriman Lyon...

    by WaylandSmith

    That is exactly what I had in mind. I shouldn't have bothered posting and just waited for yours! And...If they did remake Krull, they'd find some way to fuck it up.

  • Oct. 5, 2007, 7:36 p.m. CST

    Re: The Munchies

    by TheNorthlander

    Was that the Gremlins/Critters knockoff with the little buggers that turned into stone if you electrecuted them? Dude, is that on DVD? I can really imagine it not holding up. Wasn't much back in the day either.

  • Oct. 5, 2007, 10:19 p.m. CST

    Read the Books

    by AugustusGloop

    Seriously, they can be hard to find, but they're soooooo good. 30 seconds of previews for this POS was all I needed to see to know I should avoid it. Yes, the movie is capitalizing on Harry Potter. But no, the mythology is not fucked up, and the books were indeed around 20 years before HP. The 'mythology' in place here is general pre-Christian British lore along the lines of druids/stonehenge, ley lines, King Arthur, and a few other things many people may not be familiar with. The five different books are set in different places around England and can be somewhat informative about the different British people and subcultures, especially nice was a lesson in Welsh pronunciation that you're not likely to find anywhere else. I can't ever see a Hollywood film ever being as cerebral, and the fact they chose to set this one in the US with an American boy speaks ill of things to come. It's kind of like making a Bewitched movie about Darren Stephens. Or a Star Wars movie about Jar Jar the Jedi.

  • Oct. 5, 2007, 10:27 p.m. CST

    There isn't any accounting for taste

    by quentintarantado

    I saw the trailer for this. Very foreboding. Then I read Wyrm's review and then I saw this snippet from imdb: Roger Moore in the Orlando Sentinel calls it an "eye-popping, jaw-dropping first installment in a film fantasy series that could turn out to be the new Harry Potter. Tautly scripted, smartly cast, beautifully shot in an England of snow and fog, it's a dazzling slice of cinematic imagination." Indeed, the diversity of human tastes is awe-inspiring.

  • Oct. 5, 2007, 10:47 p.m. CST

    Worse than Eragon?

    by Osmosis Jones

    That's harsh.

  • Oct. 5, 2007, 11:16 p.m. CST

    Blew it, Massawyrm!

    by Mal Carne

    You didn't even review the right movie. It's not The Seeker: The Dark is Rising. It's just The Seeker. <p> Which should tell you volumes about what Susan Cooper thinks of the movie. In the New York Times review, she says the movie is very, very, very different from her books.<p> And you guys were too busy slobbering over Russian fanboys to even notice that all the references to Susan Cooper's books vanished over the weekend. I came here looking for the straight dope, and you guys just flat-out missed it. Sad.

  • Oct. 6, 2007, 12:54 a.m. CST

    Howard the Duck

    by GibsonUSA

    and proud of it.

  • Oct. 6, 2007, 1:41 a.m. CST

    Where's all of the articles that Harry promised?

    by Ditch Brodie

    To quote his set visit report in Bucharest: "This article is the tease for many more articles to come." Who paid for that trip, anyway?

  • Oct. 6, 2007, 3:39 a.m. CST

    I am so happy this "adaptation" is going to bomb.

    by AnnoyYou

    The reviews have been scathing and they've taken "The Dark is Rising" off the title - YAY. This is more than this POS deserves. The arrogance and stupidity of the director and screenwriter are mind-boggling -- both actually maintained on the record that they've "improved" Cooper's story by excising all that was good about it. It's a fucking BRITISH story about a BRITISH boy, for God's sake - you'd think that with the success of Harry Potter and Narnia they'd realize that yes, British characters and settings DO translate around the world. My only hope is, as someone suggested here, that the BBC gets hold of the books and makes decent films out of them.

  • Oct. 6, 2007, 5:15 a.m. CST

    KRULLATHON

    by red_weed

    Every once a month me and my friends get together for krullathon. We watch krull and other 80's fantasy that we can find. Pretty much every movie talked about here, except YOR, I must seek that out. Anyway, Krull still holds up for me, not the greatest movie in the world but still fun and enjoyable. I love that film so much. Seeker isn't as bad as Eragon, but i haven't read the book either, so i don't know how much they fucked it up. The best bit was probably that first attack with the security guards. But none of the rest of it lived up to that ultimately pointless sequence. Crazy camera angles though, flipping upside-down and dutching past the horizon. wtf? Anyway i thought it was alright, for a crappy kids fantasy movie. It is rewatchable, but you probably wouldn't really want to.

  • Oct. 6, 2007, 5:30 a.m. CST

    Take it with a grain of salt

    by Just another useless chump with a microphone

    Yeah okay this trailer looks...meh. The movie doesn't appear to be very good. Looks like a Tween-marketed version of The Covenant mixed with Harry Potter. But to be fair, Massawyrm hates EVERYTHING. Massawyrm is the primary reason a friend and I refer to this site as Hate It All News. So anything he says I tend to take with a grain of salt.

  • Oct. 6, 2007, 5:42 a.m. CST

    HAWK THE SLAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    by kwisatzhaderach

    Anyone remember this amazing fantasy film with the disco soundtrack? John 'Felix Leiter' Terry and Jack Palance? And the elf that could fire about 1000 arrows in 10 seconds. Awesome. In a craptacular way of course.

  • Oct. 6, 2007, 6 a.m. CST

    Memories-Of-Murder

    by kwisatzhaderach

    Yeah, good film. It was released here in the UK as a cut 90 minute version so I was amazed when I finally saw the full-length version. Why on earth did the UK cut it? Weird.

  • Oct. 6, 2007, 10:17 a.m. CST

    The Glaive was used twice.

    by Sepulchrave

    Jesus used it to kill Pope William Donohue I at the end of the South Park Easter special.

  • Oct. 6, 2007, 12:02 p.m. CST

    So many movies...

    by Happy Killmore

    There are too many movies like this that were so awesome as a kid but are cringeworthy now: The Goonies TRON Monster Squad Wizards Heavy Metal Fire and Ice Rock and Rule Krull Critters Betteries Not Included Innerspace Hawk the Slayer I used to wait for these to come on TV again when I was older, or I'd rent the DVD when it came out, and when they finally did was I ever red. Thank God I usually watched them alone.

  • Oct. 6, 2007, 12:26 p.m. CST

    True Happy Killmore..

    by seniorspeilbergio

    but what does still hold up in those now old movies, is the art direction, set design and sincerity and caliber of the actors performances (okay, maybe not Hawk the Slayer). And as campy as they were, it's pretty obvious that the fillmakers behind those works were trying to be fresh and do something new. And man,just the image of Jesus throwing the glave from Krull made me laugh my ass off.

  • Oct. 6, 2007, 1 p.m. CST

    The cringeworthy list

    by Jaws Wayne

    Mr. Killmore I actually see some great movies in that list of yours. The Monster Squad is bad ? Heavy Metal cringeworthy ? Hey, I really don't think so. Now please pick up those goddamn boxing gloves bubba, haha.

  • Oct. 6, 2007, 4:10 p.m. CST

    Senior,

    by Happy Killmore

    Those films do still have their merits, but have you seen Heavy Metal in awhile? I freakin' LOVED that movie!!! They re-released it a few years ago on the big screen with some new footage so I couldn't wait to go. I hadn't seen it since I was kid and watched a crappy VHS copy during a sleepover. It was exciting to finally see this "awesome" movie on the big screen with new stuff. I was about the only one in the theater when it played and man was I glad no one else was there to see me when it was over. I'd have felt less like a loser leaving Bratz.

  • Oct. 6, 2007, 4:59 p.m. CST

    Bratz VS Heavy Metal

    by Jaws Wayne

    Haha, that made me laugh. Last time I saw Heavy Metal was maybe 3 years ago. I thoroughly enjoyed it. I bought The Monster Squad DVD set right away a couple of months ago when that finally came out. Ditto for that one. Let me ask you something. Which fantasy/action favourites (besides the original Star Wars films maybe) from your youth do or can you still enjoy ? Did everything turn to crap for you ?

  • Oct. 6, 2007, 5:32 p.m. CST

    i agree, I Agree, I FRICKING AGREE

    by not_feeling_the_love

    The commercial did it for me, and Massa's comments stand as being the best description of what this movie is (or rather should be, as in a bad VHS tapes best forgotten).

  • Oct. 6, 2007, 5:57 p.m. CST

    The Last Dragon

    by TheNorthlander

    I love that movie. Sho'nuff!

  • Oct. 6, 2007, 8:07 p.m. CST

    Those stupid hollywood idiots

    by Lilana

    messing with such a great series of books. Of all the books I read as a child I have the greatest affection for 'The Dark is Rising Sequence'. Harry Potter is a great series but is a bit lightweight compared to Susan Cooper's books IMO. As some other poster commented the atmosphere is excellent and foreboding. The books have a really intricate layered mythology (which is *totally* based on British legend) and so much potential for film. I could tell from the trailer this would be awful. Because these books aren't as well known as LOTR etc...the producers could get away with changing everything but if they'd had a few braincells between them they would have realized a faithful adaptation would have made the movie actually GOOD. I hope they have changed the title. It would be awful if the books were tarnished by some crappy movie. Anyone who loves fantasy should read the books and hopefully one day someone will make a decent film/mini-series from them.

  • Oct. 6, 2007, 8:43 p.m. CST

    Whoa now, Happy Killmore

    by criticalbliss

    Goonies still rocks. So does Innerspace (a very underrated movie). I understand what you're saying, just slow down a little, eh?

  • Oct. 6, 2007, 8:54 p.m. CST

    Krull

    by criticalbliss

    Good movie. Reach exceeded its grasp in terms of special effects, but the script and the ideas were pretty heady in many respects.

  • Oct. 6, 2007, 8:55 p.m. CST

    Can't be worse than Eragon

    by criticalbliss

    That's not possible. The book was not very good to begin with. The movie was even worse.

  • Oct. 7, 2007, 3:22 a.m. CST

    MetalStorm:The Destruction of Jared-Syn in 3-D!

    by AspectRatio235

    An early Charles Band favorite. I always dug the widescreen 3D process photography and the cool score by Charles Band. A Mad Max knockoff to be sure, but it was awesome then.. maybe not so much now...

  • Oct. 7, 2007, 3:23 a.m. CST

    Eliminators!

    by AspectRatio235

    Another early Empire Pictures sci-fi shlock favorite.. I always loved the cool heroes, especially the robot guy on the wheels...

  • Oct. 7, 2007, 3:24 a.m. CST

    Troll!

    by AspectRatio235

    Anyone ever see the unwatchable Italian sequel ( in name only) imaginatively titled Troll 2?

  • Oct. 7, 2007, 3:25 a.m. CST

    Ghoulies!

    by AspectRatio235

    Ok that's 4 early Charles Band classics before Empire Pictures became Full Moon Entertainment...

  • Oct. 7, 2007, 7:44 a.m. CST

    Good ones

    by Happy Killmore

    Actually, Return of the Jedi does not hold up that well either. The ones that do are Alien, Excalibur, Conan the Barbarian, Gremlins, the Indiana Jones Trilogy, etc...

  • Oct. 7, 2007, 7:49 a.m. CST

    Still more...

    by Happy Killmore

    Beetlejuice, Big Trouble in Little China, Blade Runner... The list goes on and on. I'm just saying that for me, those other films made me feel like someone from Gen Y revisiting the Power Rangers. I had very fond memories of them from being a kid but have found them unwatchable as an adult.

  • Oct. 7, 2007, 10:57 a.m. CST

    Cartoon movies I loved that that hurt my eyes now

    by Sepulchrave

    The Last Unicorn, The Black Cauldron and A Flight of Dragons. Loved that shit as a little kid; painful scratchy animation now.

  • Oct. 7, 2007, 1:54 p.m. CST

    Beat me to Metalstorm! And Krull rocks!

    by dead youngling

    And that spaceship movie about the kid and video game he kicked butt at--forget the name.

  • Oct. 7, 2007, 1:58 p.m. CST

    Hi Killmore

    by Jaws Wayne

    Yes those are all great movies you mentioned, that's for sure. I gotta say that it's golden though if you can still enjoy some of the ones that now show their age. The classic ones you just mentioned were mostly all pretty epic and expensive, not to mention made by some of the very best and visionary directors that are still going strong. No mention of The Road Warrior, that most definitely belongs between the others in your last list. Bring on Fury Road !!! (Not very likely anytime soon, it's now dropped from the IMDB database Goddamnit !)

  • Oct. 7, 2007, 2 p.m. CST

    The Boy Who Could Fly, CRITTERS!

    by dead youngling

    Critters might kill me now.

  • Oct. 7, 2007, 2:03 p.m. CST

    DARYL, Dreamscape!

    by dead youngling

    Dreamscape was pretty cool--that snake dude.

  • Oct. 7, 2007, 2:04 p.m. CST

    The Last Starfighter!

    by dead youngling

    that was the movie i forgot

  • Oct. 7, 2007, 2:26 p.m. CST

    The Road Warrior

    by Happy Killmore

    The Road Warrior was one that I absolutely placed on a pedestal in my younger days. I was really nervous to watch it again as an adult because I thought it might not be as good as I remembered. Boy was I wrong! That's an amazing film. There are some guys in Australia who will build an exact replica of Max's Pursuit car and I've seriously considered it. Beyond Thunderdome, on the other hand... Well, that fits in with the ones that were cool as a kid but not so much now.