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Our Spy Travels Back To 10,000 B.C. With Roland Emmerich!

Hey, everyone. ”Moriarty” here. I'm just not sure about this one. Maybe it's me, but I've never really bought into caveman movies at all. It just seems like they are so fundamentally, socially, mentally different than us that trying to tell a story where they behave like we do just seems... wrong. I'm sure this is just meant to be a fun action movie ride. That's what Emmerich does. And he certainly seems due for a big slice of mainstream fun after his last few. Is this the one that'll connect with audiences? Well, let's see what this spy has to say:

"Stargate" and "ID4" are truly solid memories in my childhood - so I jumped at the chance to see Roland Emmerich's latest epic "10,000 B.C." at the Pacific 21 in Winnetka, CA this evening. As the thought of a Will Smith type riding Wooly Mammoths and kicking caveman ass sounded like a great time - but boy was I in the wrong set of mind. First off, aside from some obvious film grain and color issues, it seems to be extraordinarily far along - all of the music and CGI effects are intact, so I'm left to assume that the Warner and Legendary are ordering up some initial audience feedback before it plans its own early March, 300-like media assault. Complete with it's own 10,000 B.C. themed Myspace promo - I can see it now "add 10,000 photos!" Anyway -- I'm here to report that this film is an absolute disaster - and sadly not the kind that either Will Smith or even Jake Gyllenhaal could prevent. The film starts with aerial views of white snowy landscapes as some blanket wearing dark cave dwellers make their way across the land. They make it back to their chanting village, which is filled with numerous ethnicities - blacks, Indians, Eskimos and Asians, - who are all united by dirt on their faces. We then meet a young 6-year-old white girl named Evolet. It becomes clear that because she's born white and with bright blue-eyes, she will clearly be the perfect eye and arm candy for the hottest, strongest, male warrior in some years to come. Thereby creating the perfect white force to send on a spiritual journey that'll save their village for many lifetimes to come! Yay white power!! We fast forward to meet a grown up D'Leh (Steven Strait) who has clearly had a thing for super-hot, blue-eyed, white Evolet (Camilla Belle) for some time now. (And who can blame him, Camilla here, even covered in dirt and dreadlocks is a drop dead cutie) Anyway the two have already sorted out their alliance together, and all that's in their way is for D'Leh to win the final immunity idol: "the white spear" - which is given to the first warrior to down a wooly mammoth. Now before this happens we discover all about D'Leh's daddy-issues - his father left when he was a young boy (bastard!) and his dad forced best friend Tic-Tic, to raise D'Leh and promise never to tell a soul that he's actually a good father (awww maybe he's not a bastard after all) Zzzzzzz.... bring on the mammoth hunt! You know a movie's in trouble when you care more about the mammoths they're trapping and killing than the people we're supposed to be rooting for. So back to this fantastic narrative - as I wrote earlier, the warrior who succeeds in the final hunt gets to wield the white spear and bang Evolet - Gee... I wonder who will win?? Ah ah ah.. not so fast! While our main man D'Leh does manage to take down Snuffaluffagus, he only does it through a cowardly accident. So now what's a young man with Daddy issues to do - admit he's a coward? Then lose the white spear and watch one of his non-white best friends bang his hot white girlfriend?? Luckily D'Leh doesn't have to worry about this dilemma, for as he sulks on some rocks - the village is trashed by some terrorists who enslave and take away most of the villagers. D'Leh is enraged as the bald, dark-skinned Arab man handles his woman and rides off with her, on a horse into the sunset. So D'Leh, Tick Tock, and some other dude go off to save their people - but uh-oh a young boy has followed them - "go back, you'll merely slow us down" - "but they killed my mother! Plus you need some young comic relief" - Oh snap! Guess he's coming along! Cut To: the boy climbing faster than Tick Tock - awwww! And now in the boy's haste he's accidentally kicked some large rocks at Tick Tock! - crowd laughter - those avenging Neanderthals sure are funny - and they're just like you and me! Now this is where the film REALLY slowed down for me - we follow the terrorists for what seems like an hour - through the desert, through the jungle - at one point D'Leh even saves Evolet for a brief moment - until they're all attacked by giant prehistoric ostriches - which I think might end up being the worst movie monsters since Emmerich's own Godzilla. I'm skipping a lot of crap here, including a RIDICULOUS scene where D'Leh frees a saber-tooth tiger from drowning - and in return the saber-tooth doesn't eat him - this impresses a fellow tribe they come upon - leading us to learn that many years ago a white man came and told them of their destiny - a white man with a similar face to D'Leh - awww - could it be....... ??? I won't spoil it all for you - as the last section of the film switches gears and finally gives us an endgame and some entertainment - but only because the movie turns into "Stargate" (seriously) and finally gives us something to root for - but sadly it comes far too late, And the ultimate ending is as disappointing as the first two- thirds. If only Mr. Emmerich would have made it even more tongue-in-cheek, with more over the top action and fun like having the Sabertooth eat some people for D'Leh - or even just take us to the endgame faster - the only truly shocking moment about this movie was finding out afterwards that it was only an hour and forty minutes long - as it truly felt at least twice that. So "10,000 B.C." is no "300" for me - it's just a stale popcorn flick - But who knows - this is a "test screening" and the cut could be changed drastically. Let's hope so. Call me “SexyWhisk.”
Readers Talkback
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  • Sept. 16, 2007, 4:10 a.m. CST

    mammoths and pyramids!

    by BadMrWonka

    fringe science is almost as bad as creationism sometimes...

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 4:20 a.m. CST

    What? No Wooly Raptors?

    by Aloy

    I'm soooo disappointed.

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 4:22 a.m. CST

    Is Ringo Star in it?


    Or a T-rex that get's high eating a bush?

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 4:35 a.m. CST

    Dammit in my caveman movies I demand:

    by palimpsest

    Animal-skin bikinis, anachronistic dinosaurs (preferably stop-motion, though I'm willing to consider slow-motion footage of real lizards with rubber bits stuck to them), warring tribes of peoples (prefereably called 'Rock People' and 'Stone People' or some such malarkey leading to a Romeo + Juliet romance between members of the groups which can only be settled by the aforementioned bikini women wrestling adjacent to a lava-spurting volcano which is sheltering a pterodactyl nest simply chock-full of hatching eggs. Sheesh, Emmerich, you Teutonic doofus, get back to making Michael Pare films!

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 4:38 a.m. CST

    Is is better than the Geico "Caveman" TV spinoff?

    by Mullah Omar

    That's my new barometer for shitty caveman-related media. Sorry Ringo.

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 4:42 a.m. CST

    I thought it was Johnny Hart's BC...

    by BurnHollywood

    Two hours of overly religious cave dwellers rolling around barefoot on wheels with an axle threaded through them, making one-line jokes...

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 4:42 a.m. CST

    Do they speak Cavish?

    by emp

    Or English? I hope English with some nice ghetto slang from this ticky-tacky kid.

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 4:43 a.m. CST

    Can't believe

    by Maximillian Roivas

    They managed to make a racist movie bout cavemen. Once again, Hollywood shocks and awes me in the worst way possible

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 4:46 a.m. CST

    When they get back to the village...

    by emp

    Are we treated with a view of their everyday life, like a group of teenagers hanging around break-dancing and saying "Wazzup lil' bitches?"

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 4:50 a.m. CST

    Memories Of Murder

    by palimpsest

    Yep, QUEST FOR FIRE is a stand-alone movie, a thing of left-field wonderment. And I appreciate the distinction that you draw. Let's face it, though, Emmerich is no artist, and he'd surely be much happier with [insert random catastrophe] that creates carnage in New York, as that's pretty much his stock in trade. I swear that if in this movie he has some wolves escape from a prehistoric zoo to menace some cold people in this flick, I'll be round at Castle Emmerich with a gang of pitchfork-wielding cineastes faster than you can say "whatever happened to Jaye Davidson?".

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 4:54 a.m. CST

    Maybe there'll be a comedy rap.

    by palimpsest

    Always a high point of any film.

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 5:01 a.m. CST

    No Surprise Here. Emmerich's A Hack of Epic Proportions

    by grievenom

    Along with Stephen Sommers, and to a lesser degree Wolfgang Petersen. They make action movies devoid of any soul.

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 5:02 a.m. CST

    Quest for Fire!!! Best caveman movie ever made!

    by Orionsangels

    Say what you will about Quest for Fire!!!, that's probably the closest interpretation to Caveman life will ever get from Hollywood.

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 5:04 a.m. CST

    I saw Camilla Belle in the trailer and laughed

    by Orionsangels

    I'm sorry, nothing against you Camilla, but am I supposed to believe women look like this, in the stoneage? Go fuck a goat!

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 5:05 a.m. CST


    by BadMrWonka

    well, except that it's a French think Hollywood would ever do that?

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 5:05 a.m. CST

    To me it sounds pretty much like 300...

    by DerLanghaarige

    ...only that the actionscenes are not in slow motion, then sped up for a second, slowed down again, sped up, slowed down, sped up, slowed down, sped up, slowed down, sped up, slowed down, sped up,slowed down, sped up, slowed down, sped up, slowed down, sped up, slowed down, sped up, slowed down, sped up, slowed down, sped up, slowed down, sped up, slowed down, sped up,slowed down, sped up, slowed down, sped up, slowed down, sped up, slowed down, sped up, and so on and that the dialogue will probably less annoying and the heroes will be more sympathic.<br> But I skip it anyway. Not a huge Emmerich Fan.

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 5:08 a.m. CST

    Stephen Sommers

    by palimpsest

    At least he made DEEP RISING, which knows it's a campy action movie, and has the common decency to give Treat Williams a leading role. His latter career seems only to act as a catalyst for Rob Cohen to get work when he can't be arsed with his own franchises any more. Wolfgang Petersen made DAS BOOT, which is not just a fine piece of storytelling, but the single best submarine drama ever (and the mini-series version kicks the living poo out of the movie cut-down version). His Hollywood stuff has been largely disappointing, though IN THE LINE OF FIRE still works.

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 5:08 a.m. CST

    bad enough hollywood is full a pretty people but...

    by Orionsangels

    even caveman movies have to have pretty people? brad pitt as jesse james? hiew buttt ugly people damn it. where are those large foreheads? thats why quest for fire ruled. those people were fucking ugly. what's next tom cruise as a Aboriginal?

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 5:11 a.m. CST

    French movie starring an American actor Ron Perlman

    by Orionsangels

    It was released in America as a popcorn flick in the 80's, might as well be Hollywood. It was very mainstream.

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 5:11 a.m. CST


    by AllieJamison

    can't look forward to any movie. There are so much films I still need to watch. It's helpful that there are some of them that I can just ignore...that I won't even touch at the video store. But then again...I think it's interesting and important to also see bad films. Damn.

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 5:13 a.m. CST

    Hey Orions...

    by palimpsest

    Tom's been passing himself off as a) tall, b) heterosexual, c) spunky young cocksure lawyer / poolshark / race driver / samurai etc who learns humility and responsibility the hard way, d) member of a respectable religious organisation and so on for getting on for three decades. Frankly, I don't see aboriginal as too much of a challenge for this master of disguise...

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 5:17 a.m. CST

    true palimpsest

    by Orionsangels

    I just wish movies would try a go for realism first, rather than the actor with socalled boxoffice draw. That's why I respect and enjoy Mel Gibson films. He never goes for big actors. He's thinking, how can I make this look as real as possible? I wanna take you back in time. Mel should make a caveman movie

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 5:21 a.m. CST

    Another thing! Teeth and Westerns

    by Orionsangels

    Most people had bad teeth in the 19th century. They didn't have the advancments we have today in dentristry. Yet in most westerns. cowboys have white sparkly teeth, like brad pitts jesse james. Go fuck a goat! That's why I like Sergio Leone westerns, those guys look dirty, i mean filthy. You believe these guys live in the danky old west.

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 5:22 a.m. CST

    Other candidates for caveman movie directors...

    by palimpsest

    Pedro Almodovar / David Lynch / Ken Loach / Ken Russell / Nick Broomfield / Larry Clark...

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 5:26 a.m. CST

    Oh dear. That sounds bad!

    by Col. Tigh-Fighter

    Clan of the Cave Bear bad!!

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 5:27 a.m. CST


    by palimpsest

    Personally, I like my sci-fi fantasies with 1970s hairstyles. I suppose there always have to be concessions to the contemporary world (teeth, hair, looks, language, production values). There's a trade-off between realism and reality, I think, and if movies can at least go for realism, then they don't have to achieve reality.

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 5:35 a.m. CST

    Roland Emmerich took a shit and packaged it as film?

    by JackPumpkinhead

    Oh, no! Who would have expected that from him? Is there no-one we can trust anymore? Paul W.S., you are the only hope...

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 5:51 a.m. CST

    Turns into Stargate?

    by photoboy

    Does that mean Ra arrives in his pyramid ship and abducts someone, thus tying the film into Stargate?

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 6:02 a.m. CST

    Roland Emmerich film turns out to be shit

    by kwisatzhaderach

    what a shocker. Moon 44, Universal Soldier, Stargate, Independence Day, Godzilla and The Day After Tomorrow were all awful.

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 6:04 a.m. CST

    I forgot

    by kwisatzhaderach

    Joey/Making Contact, Ghost Chase and The Patriot. They were terrible too.

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 6:17 a.m. CST


    by Mace Tofu

    That list made me laugh kwisatzhaderach.

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 6:18 a.m. CST

    UPDATE: Cronenberg wins Toronto Film Festival

    by palimpsest

    EASTERN PROMISES wins best picture. Yep Cronenberg's a homeboy, but what the hell. He is, after all, David Cronenberg. That is all.

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 7:08 a.m. CST


    by mrbong

    you are taking the piss, yeah? the reason there are no "big names" is Mel's films is because of his astonishing lack of realism or fact in his films. the known names in his films have diminished with every passing film since Braveheart, because no one wants to to look like a simpleton for agreeing to be in his fuckings of history.

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 7:10 a.m. CST

    some advice offered

    by mrbong

    for a relatively low fee, i have just ordered a 2-in-1 set of The Land That Time Forgot and The People That Time Forgot. rather just go and order that than wait for this.

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 7:11 a.m. CST

    Best caveman movies

    by kingink123

    I know that Quest for Fire is the ultimate caveman movie as far as "realistic" portrayal is concerned. But has anyone seen "Missing Link" an odd late 80's docu/drama about a neanderthal caveman very similar to Quest. The effects were by Rick Baker. Its not too bad at all. Hard to find, but it shows up on spanish tv every now and then for some reason. And you can't forget the amazing "1,000,000 Years B.C." And I've hated every single thing that Emmerich has done. Stargate, Idependence Day, Godzilla, Day after Tomorrow, etc. The guy is a hack.

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 7:25 a.m. CST

    ID4, Godzilla, Day after Tomorrow, enough said.

    by jae683

    Another crap fest coming. Like Kingink123 said, this guy is a hack. Does it surprise anyone this movie will be bad?

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 7:40 a.m. CST

    Best caveman movie is...

    by TELF

    Blatantly Encino Man. Come on guys, get with it!

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 7:51 a.m. CST

    racially mixed societies in the stone age?

    by Windowlicker74

    then you know you're watching a hollywood movie..

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 7:56 a.m. CST

    That makes me feel old

    by BeatsMe

    That someone has fond childhood memories of ID4 and Stargate.

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 8:03 a.m. CST

    'Stargate and ID4 are solid memories in my childhood"

    by Osmosis Jones

    I'm getting old...

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 8:08 a.m. CST

    Hey Osmosis & Beats me

    by Manos

    My feelings exactly. Now excuse me. I have to go take my teeth out and put them in a glass.

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 8:08 a.m. CST

    No Rae Dawn Chong or Raquel Welch....

    by Big Dan

    equals no butts in seats. He should re-edit it with The Dat After Tomorrow and call it "ICE AGE"...........oops already taken.

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 8:09 a.m. CST

    Sorry I meant "DAY"

    by Big Dan


  • Sept. 16, 2007, 8:17 a.m. CST

    Cap-tain Caaaaveman!

    by Das UberMan!

    Moriarty,<P> It's not so much that caveman pictures don't work; it's that <I>frozen</I> caveman based entertainment works so well.

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 8:23 a.m. CST

    So it's got time travel and aliens in it...

    by V'Shael

    I can't wait until he makes a 17th century period piece... or Little Women. And they're all clones or some shit.

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 8:27 a.m. CST

    Memories-of-Murder/Mace Tofu

    by kwisatzhaderach

    Happy to entertain. I simply wrote down the terrible ones I could remember. Then I realised it was his entire filmography. Somebody should do a biopic of Dean Devlin/Roland Emmerich like Burton did with Ed Wood. What with Emmerich's Germanic accent and Devlin forever bleating about how he was at the first performance of Star Wars and "then I knew what I wanted to do with the rest of MY life!" we could have a cult classic on our hands. I fail to see how watching Star Wars would inspire anyone to want to make shit for 20 years though.

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 8:28 a.m. CST

    Great review! I needed a good laugh

    by performingmonkey

    I think you'll agree we can trust Mori's reviews above all others.

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 8:29 a.m. CST

    Even Mori-posted reviews, I mean, obviously

    by performingmonkey

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 8:29 a.m. CST

    Zug Zugged from the start.

    by Rando Calrisian

    Too bad. I would have really liked to have seen something cool from this film.

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 8:33 a.m. CST


    by kwisatzhaderach

    I think Fox must take the award for worst recent streak of movies in Hollywood history. In the 80s and 90s it was one of the top studios going. Ever since Mechanic left and Murdoch got his grubby fingers all over it it's gone to shit.

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 8:33 a.m. CST

    Emmerich sucks mastodon cock...........................

    by crackerfarmboy

    Sadly, he is successful with this formula: 1) Convince studio to give him $100 Million. 2) Create the flashiest, coolest, and most intriguing trailer possible. 3) Produce a shit film that, because of the trailer, makes $100 Milliion in the opening weekend. Then goes on to make a modest profit. 4) Continue his assault on human intelligence ad nauseum.

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 8:35 a.m. CST

    The Hack Pack

    by kwisatzhaderach

    When is somebody going to write a book/make a movie about The Hack Pack? That's what I want to know.

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 8:39 a.m. CST

    Memories-of-Murder: Funnily enough

    by kwisatzhaderach

    A mate recently sent me a YouTube link with the Superman and Exorcist Turkish trailers. I spilled my drink watching those. The Exorcist one is truly staggering, if anybody hasn't seen check it out on YouTube now!

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 8:39 a.m. CST

    Cenobite mentioned the only caveman movie worth

    by kikuchiyoboy

    seeing... besides the first protion of 2001:A Space Odyssey. <br> <br> "Atouk zoog zoog Lana"

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 8:45 a.m. CST

    Why bring back memories of shitfest "The Patriot"

    by kikuchiyoboy

    The movie should have been called "Their Back!" I swear every other sequence was about someone running away then returning in the nick of time for battle. And don't get me started on the music ques on that film. <br> <br> He should stick to 2nd unit.

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 8:57 a.m. CST

    Give my regards to King Tut Asshole!

    by Midol Boy

    Ahhh, the cheese.<p> Welcome to earf! Now, that's what I call a close encounter.

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 8:59 a.m. CST

    Frozen cavemen movies are gold, I agree...

    by Big Dan

    What was that movie where John Lone played a frozen caveman? And of course there's always that Scooby Doo episode where that scientist made a machine that would talk to dolphins or some such crap. Now that is genius! Roland should make that next.

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 9:01 a.m. CST

    Evolet is TE(H) LOVE backwards, right?

    by Pound Sand

    I see what you did there.

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 9:02 a.m. CST

    It's my mother, I will put her on speaker.

    by classyfredblassy

    And she will tell you Emmerich is the worst big budget hak working today.

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 9:18 a.m. CST

    Emmerich's the Micheal Bay of sci-fi/fantasy

    by football

    He's shit and that's being generous. He's also a closet Nazi which is evident in his Patriot movie whereby he's never forgiven the British for giving them a bloody nose in 2 world wars so makes up stuff like the Brits burning families in barns... a Nazi trait and not a British one! So what a surpise he's got a Teutonic myth of white supremacy dressed up as neo-paganism at the heart of his story!! He's probably got “Der Ring des Nibelungen” playing over the end credits too, the bloody nazi. Hate him and his awful movies!! Good review though... and honest

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 9:42 a.m. CST

    Emmerich's films always sound like good ideas...

    by rbatty024

    until you realize Emmerich is the one behind them. Even if the concept is good, the execution is almost always terrible. Stargate is the closest this guy has come to making a good film.

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 9:51 a.m. CST

    Good review

    by dr sauch

    It was funny. I think that kids will like this. I too loved ID4 when it came out. When I see it on TV now, It's almost laughably bad. I think thats what Emmerich does best, gives kids that one, over-the-top CGI nonsense movie that you remember forever.

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 9:59 a.m. CST

    This sounds absolutely retarded.

    by Batutta

    A hot chick in 10,000 B.C. would probably have copious amounts of facial hair, a greasy dirt complexion, scraggly teeth, matted hair, a period stain running down her leg and smell like B.O. and tuna fish.

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 10:07 a.m. CST

    I'm getting sick of the PC 'oh no, it has blonde hair

    by Jugs

    ..and blue eyes' so that means it must be crap. Hollywood has put the white man in the front since Chaplin, and it's chugged along in it's own wrapped up world since then. What about the fact that women are only ever reactive in films? Or daughter of him, or wife of the other or mother, so safely non sexy, to the other dude? Get over yourselves, films are not the real world.

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 10:18 a.m. CST

    Das Ubermann...

    by The_Fredo

    ...we all know that the greatest caveman story waiting to be told is the film adaptation of Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer. <BR> <BR> After all, "I'm a caveman. Your scientists thawed me out of ice. Your modern world scares me, but not as much as a guilty verdict." <BR> <BR> I miss Phil f**king Hartmann!

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 10:26 a.m. CST


    by football

    Why have a character called Tick Tock which is the sound of a clock's mechanism which clearly weren't invented in 10,000 BC!! I also hate all this PC stuff, but one thing I find more offensive is the myth that the old world wasn't at all tribal but a happy, "everyone gets along just fine" place where no borders or boundaries exist. The human race is tribal. Always has been and always will be.... and Emmerich is still a goosestepping nazi with little or no talent other than goosestepping.

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 10:38 a.m. CST

    In fact, it's Übermensch.

    by DerLanghaarige

    But you can also write Uebermensch, in case you don't have an 'Ü' on your keyboard ;)

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 10:47 a.m. CST

    I'll pass...

    by The Moseph

    Good God...there's so much fundamentally wrong with this flick... Doesn't Emmerich have a clue where the so called 'races' came from? We're all race...the various differences in physical traits is genetic, handed down through the generations. What did the people look like that we all came from? Don't know for sure, but try imagining all of us mixed together. Emmerich is either knowingly or unwittingly spreading even more nonsense about the 'races' evolving from one another. Yep, folks, that's where racism comes from...ever heard of a man named Hitler?

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 10:47 a.m. CST

    ugh. Roland Emmerich is the worst of the worst

    by beefywhore

    If He and Paul W.S. Anderson, and Renny Harlin could all die in a firey helicopter crash the world would be a better place.

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 10:55 a.m. CST

    Roland Emmerich is a huge fagus

    by godoffireinhell

    but that's alright, the problem is he's also a truly terrible director who is no better than a W.S. Anderson. And Uwe Boll's flicks are more fun than his.

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 10:58 a.m. CST

    THIS........IS........10,000 B.C.!!!!!

    by BetaRayBill07

    Someone had to do this too.

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 11 a.m. CST

    You had me at super-hot, blue-eyed, white Evolet

    by BetaRayBill07

    Man no chance of STD's back then too probably....good times....

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 11:03 a.m. CST

    BetaRayBill07, RE: STD's. Some had crabs on their junk

    by Pound Sand

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 11:10 a.m. CST

    the moseph

    by Windowlicker74

    The problem is not that the movie depicts different races, cause in 10,000 y BC there already were different races ( it's not THAT long ago), it's just that they weren't mixed back then. I love the ' we're all human' part though. Just as a dog is a dog..

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 11:23 a.m. CST

    hope the black guy gets to spout off some ebonics!

    by HamiltonGeyser

    oh no you di'unt, u mammoth muthafucka! At least the movie isnt the other stereotype: a white hero, vaguely asian/hispanic hot chick, and an evil english guy.

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 11:24 a.m. CST

    wait, are the badguys led by an evil british guy?

    by HamiltonGeyser

    then it would be perfect...

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 11:24 a.m. CST

    Oooh, very Larry Davidian.

    by MikeTheSpike

    Isn't using the term "Eskimos" pretty much frowned upon these days?

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 11:30 a.m. CST

    Crystal Ball

    by ironpants

    There will be a modest audience the first weekend in theaters (I place it in the top five). It'll be reviewed badly but people love a spectacle. I forsee it on the shelves of Target 45 - 48 days after theatrical release. It will do gangbusters in the overseas market and the executives will take a swim in their vault of money Scrooge McDuck style. Rinse, repeat.

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 11:34 a.m. CST

    Enuits is the preferred nomenclature, please, Dude...


    Not Eskimos. Ive said it before and Ill say it again. Who could trust a man given a huge budget to make a Godzilla picture and the best he can do is to turn the greatest kai-ju in the world into a girl who runs from helicopters. Fuck that guy for that and that ink stained teeth gag in The Patriot, I mean, who the hell thought that was funny?

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 11:38 a.m. CST


    by MagicPhone

    This looks great!

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 11:44 a.m. CST

    Squeezin' the jeh-eeewwws.

    by Galva

    Somebody had to say it.

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 11:46 a.m. CST


    by Galva

    If the bad guys were lead by a dude with a British accent, I'd see this movie in a midnight screening. As is, it should at least be easy prey for a Rifftracking.

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 11:48 a.m. CST

    Trik_ster - 10,000BC teaser trailer here:

    by palimpsest - feel free to tick off all the cliches...

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 11:48 a.m. CST

    What the hell?


    Im sure this movie sucked but this reviewers cred is in question due to his support of ID4. Ive always felt like the effects department and the principal photography made two different movies on that one, and they both sucked. And i dont care whats on the news, if im in a stripbar and Vivica Fox is twirling around in a thong, im looking at her ass, not the TV.

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 11:52 a.m. CST

    Pound Sand

    by BetaRayBill07

    Geez all my prehistoric cave dweller fantasies flushed down the drain lol

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 11:56 a.m. CST

    Ive always wondered....


    Did cavemen poop in mid-stride like animals, or go behind a bush, or squat like a cat or dog? Maybe Roland can answer these and other questions.

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 11:56 a.m. CST

    Well written mate.

    by Filmrage

    That's it's not a 300 is a plus to me. . . . . How can Emerich go from movie perfection (for a popcorn muncher that is) with ID to garbage like Godzilla and seemingly now this?

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 11:59 a.m. CST

    What would a real tiger do????

    by Filmrage

    Actually, if you did happen to come across a Lion or Tiger of todays world that was stuck in a bog or something and you rescued it in a way that it was obvious to the beast with whatever faculties is has then would it instantly disregard the fact that you helped it and attack you upon being freed?

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 12:12 p.m. CST


    by Fortunesfool

    I'll bet it has a great trailer. Emmerich movies always have great trailers. The Films? Shit. But the trailers are always ace.

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 12:16 p.m. CST

    PLAAANT has chosen BluRay and here's why

    by Motoko Kusanagi

    'cause he's cooking the flames of Optimus too soon nipple books!!!

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 12:23 p.m. CST

    How can we take anything this guy says seriously?

    by slone13

    He doesn't even know Snuffy's real name. It's SnuffleUPAGUS not SnuffalUFFAGUS. Moron. Know you Muppets!

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 12:45 p.m. CST

    Warner is going to get fucked over with this

    by AlwaysThere

    That's a hefty chunk of change down the toilet.

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 12:53 p.m. CST

    Warners know they're going to take it up the arse

    by palimpsest

    Why else have a March release date? They want this movie in and out of the collective consciousness well before THE DARK KNIGHT hits cinemas. Looking at the 08 release schedule (which will probably change) they're minimising risk by having nothing big/effects/action oriented near it, so it'll have at least a biggish opening weekend and probably enough momentum to recoup production costs domestically. It'll make back marketing etc overseas and go into profit on DVD/TV and cable sales. Thus Emmerich is allowed to make more films...

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 1:02 p.m. CST

    Ook! Fire Good! Movie bad!

    by Zardoz

    yeesh! Who the fuck thought anyone would be interested in a GOOD caveman movie, let alone a mastadon turd like this one?

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 1:28 p.m. CST

    "The movie turns into Stargate"

    by And Nicolas Cage as Fu Manchu

    Could it be? Does the movie feature reptilian humanoids in the Ice Age a la Chrono Trigger? If so I may see this just for the hell of it, it's so ridiculous. ^^;

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 1:53 p.m. CST


    by pretentiousboy

    Remember, it was one of rolands first films (scary as heck ventriliquist dummy that stops a kid named Joey from talking to his dead father on the telephone). He took a simple plot and made it of epic scale with grand camera moves and sweeping score. Roland buddy, get back to the awe and wonderment your good at. Stop with this crap.

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 2:09 p.m. CST

    Well yeah Rae Dawn Chong in Quest for Fire

    by Orionsangels

    But they covered her in so much black makeup, you could barely tell what was under there.

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 2:09 p.m. CST

    Does this have Ron Perlman in it?

    by TheRealSeveren

    Then Im not interested. When I checked out the trailer for this it really caught my eye and seemed like something I would enjoy but the more you hear that gerbil story with Richard Gere the more likely its not just a rumor... by the way, I respect all of you.

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 2:11 p.m. CST

    Apocalypto + 300 = Trash

    by doodler

    His tribe gets attacked and enslaved? Tribal behavior? Hunting? can't blame Emmerich for aping successful movies. Apocalypto + 300, transported back to beyond all recorded history so no one can bitch too much....

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 2:11 p.m. CST

    One Million Years BC is a joke

    by Orionsangels

    As a kid I loved One Million Years BC, because it had dinosaurs and I thought, wow that's how it really was back then. I was 5 at the time. When I see iut today it's laughable. it featured a giant sea turtle & tarantula for petesake, haha.

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 2:14 p.m. CST

    Mori - why is he "Due"?

    by doodler

    "And he certainly seems due for a big slice of mainstream fun after his last few." What? The Day After Tomorrow, Godzilla, and the Patriot were indie pics? Or not fun? I thought Mel Gibson mulching a bunch of redcoats was great fun. Godzilla at least tried to be fun - and DAT was preachy, but exciting (if super-cheese).

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 2:15 p.m. CST

    300 wasn't trying to be historical accurate

    by Orionsangels

    Based on a comic, which was stylized art. Apocalypto was an amazing film that felt accurate. I don't know why talkbackers hate it so much. I think you guys focus on Mel too much.

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 2:18 p.m. CST

    10,000 B.C. is just an excuse to do over the top CG

    by Orionsangels

    When was the last time CG impressed you in a movie? The glory days of CG have been over for a long time, now it's time to make movies with actual substance. Now two hr CG fuck fest.

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 2:19 p.m. CST

    Go fuck a goat!

    by Orionsangels

    I meant - Not a two hr CG fuck fest!

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 2:25 p.m. CST


    by Solrider77

    So this isn't the follow up to 300 about the march of the 10,000 to the sea????????? Oh.......I see it's 10,000 B.C. So what happened here was Emmerich tried to get the rights to remake CLAN OF THE CAVE BEAR, started making the movie without permission, nearly got sued, then tried to remake ONE MILLION BC but couldn't convince Carmilla Belle to pose for a fur bikini calendar. By then Uber Emmerich deciedes he's finally gonna make that CHARIOTS OF THE GODS movie he keeps talking about. But he only has enough money to shoot an ending to the movie. So with three half baked movies and no more money he just picked a blow torch to arch wield them together. Sound about right???

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 2:30 p.m. CST

    he should've gotten Vanilla Ice for COOL AS ICE-AGE

    by Sir Loin

    Awwww yeaaaah, Robert Van Winkle in da house, yo drop the zero and get with the hero and all that.<br><br>By the way, were the icy conditions depicted the result of Republicans going back in time to destroy the planet's atmosphere 10,000 years ago? Wouldn't be surprised with Emmerich directing, complete with a Cheney-esque caveman enabler.

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 2:31 p.m. CST


    by CuervoJones

    Gimme pulp anytime! Viva el sabertooth!

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 2:35 p.m. CST

    oh and CAVEMAN still rules

    by Sir Loin

    The scene with the giant mosquito-type bug on Dennis Quaid's face is still funny. Plus Shelley Long was kinda cute back then. Zug-zug!

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 3:02 p.m. CST

    With Shia LaBeouf as........

    by banditmania

    .........Mam Motht Urd.

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 3:24 p.m. CST

    Maybe Emmerich should recut this GRINDHOUSE-style.

    by Pound Sand

    Add a bonus reel of blond-haired blue-eyed Evolet giving a lap dance to a horny T-Rex. Or maybe an Ankylosaurus..., Just not a raptor cause that'd be totally cliche.

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 3:30 p.m. CST

    You motherfuckers will respect the EMMERICH!

    by Knuckleduster

    Or suffer the terrible consequences! HE gave us Universal Soldier. HE is the greatest director of all.

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 3:45 p.m. CST

    10.000BC... 33 1/3 times better than 300!!

    by dapaschad

    Then again, maybe not.

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 3:46 p.m. CST

    The Mighty EMMERICH! will ejaculate on your graves!

    by Knuckleduster

    And I will be there to bear witness, and to hand HIM a tissue and a fresh beer. German beer. None of your American piss.

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 3:55 p.m. CST

    No chance of STD's back then?

    by godoffireinhell

    Dude, it was STD hell back then. No HIV but plenty of other crap to make your pecker itch and squirt pus.

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 3:56 p.m. CST


    by Ray Gamma

    Was Emmerich the guy who wrote that scene in Independence Day where mankind (Will Smith) finally meets an extra-terrestrial lifeform ("Welcome to Earth *PUNCH*)? </P> <P> Because that scene really re-defined cinema. </P>

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 3:58 p.m. CST

    Best caveman movie is Eegah!

    by Osmosis Jones

    "Watch out for snakes!"

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 4:02 p.m. CST

    Pale-skinned saviour from ancient lore

    by Shaner Jedi

    this seems to be adding the pale-skinned wise man figure that figures into many ancient american tribes.

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 4:08 p.m. CST


    by Shaner Jedi

    you are absolutely right about 300. The first of the film tells us that what we're watching is a "story", a myth told from the perspective of a tale told around the campfire. Thus, events and figures will seem larger than life, including over-the-top evil bad guys that look like mutants. They would seem largely alien to the spartans.

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 4:20 p.m. CST

    Do The Characters Grunt or use english?

    by Redfive!

    I pictured this flick wordless,like quest for fire,but then again our pal Roland is right up there with Paul WS Anderson,so im sure theres plenty of cheese on this taco.

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 4:23 p.m. CST

    Yeah, Camille Is Just Too Good Looking?

    by skoobyx

    Her teeth could be used as a credit reference.

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 4:51 p.m. CST

    D'Leh a-luna Evolet....


    D'Leh ZUG-ZUG Evolet!

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 5:12 p.m. CST


    by BringingSexyBack

    so I can fuck it without consent!

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 5:25 p.m. CST

    Yep, white people are the saviors of humanity, bullshit

    by Doc_Strange

    Caucasians, according to literature I've read, were originally from Africa. They had a gene deficiency which prevented them from being black, like the native Africans you see today. Since they were different in color, the ones who had this deficiency apparently united into their own tribe abd because of their obvious color difference they began to cause trouble such as murder, theft, etc. <p> Leaders of the colored African tribes gathered, then set about capturing the whites. After doing so they banished the whites into the Caucus mountains, hence the word caucasian, also because the region is like a prison in that there are few ways out. Since the Caucus mountains are a cold, icy region, the whites lived in caves and they're physical features adapted to the cold weather (blonde hair), along with eye color (blue, green). It is said that they lost their humanity and walked on their hands and knees, likes the animals that were indigenous to the region. They thrived in the environment and had become such a big population that they were able to escape the region and had become a race of their own as seen today, never forgetting that they had been banished for being what they were and thus this is why racism is apparent in the world today. <p> This is literature that is available on the net and is not necessarily an opinion.

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 5:30 p.m. CST

    Doc Strange - that, my friend, is Afro-centric fantasy

    by BringingSexyBack

    I hope you're smart enough not to subscribe to that bullshit.<p> WHITE POWER!!!

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 5:31 p.m. CST

    Cavemen : Lucio Fulci's Conquest

    by Jaws Wayne

    I'm amazed nobody mentioned this movie, as it's probably the most historically accurate of all movies that features cavemen. Check it out for proof.

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 5:37 p.m. CST

    The "literature" you read is retarded Doc


    I'm sure we could dig up other racist opinions about blacks from all around the net just as easily. I figure you're just trolling, but imagine if someone started posting similar bullshit about any other race. Even you're just fucking around it's a bit over the line. BSB...not a good response dude.

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 5:40 p.m. CST

    Some Africans mated with the Caucasians

    by BringingSexyBack

    and that's how you get Shia LeBeef.

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 5:42 p.m. CST

    Doc Strange

    by Ray Gamma

    My God this wins moronic post of the year. Remember kids, the internet only provides Shiterature, not literature.

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 5:48 p.m. CST


    by BringingSexyBack

    Otherwise you won't get the horsefucking audience, which means losing big bucks. <p>Get it? Big 'bucks'? hehe

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 5:50 p.m. CST


    by BringingSexyBack

    If we don't do the saving, who will?

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 5:55 p.m. CST


    by choptop

    Fuck this noise, its obviously a studio plant.

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 5:56 p.m. CST


    by choptop

    We all know we all started out as chinks.

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 6:09 p.m. CST

    caveman movies can be great

    by johnnysunshine

    Quest for Fire was awesome!

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 6:35 p.m. CST



    Shit. You might be on to something there chop-top

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 6:37 p.m. CST

    Black people are the original man

    by Orionsangels

    I bet caveman weren't even white. They had dark skin. We came from monkeys. makes sense. whoa i just sounded like a racist. camilla belle lol

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 6:57 p.m. CST

    Quest For Fire, rocks!

    by Lornsorrow

    And I think this review sucked. IT made a big racists deal out of nothing (holy crap she's white! WHITE! DID YOU HEAR ME!) Big fuckin deal. (They did this stupid thing, then that) yeah, well their fuckin cavemen, what the fuck did you expect, rocket scientists? Give me a break. The reviews here better get more unbiased and more rational better than this.

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 7:12 p.m. CST

    i never went to school, so i never learned to read


    or write 2 good. and i stayed in jail, and i stayed stupid, and i stayed a child while i watched ur world grow up. and then i look at what u do, and i dont understand it. u eat meat, and u kill things that r better than u r. and then u say how bad ur children r. u taught ‘em, I didn’t teach ‘em. i just tried 2 help ‘em stand up. im a reflection of u. im what you made me. ive ate out of your garbage cans . ive worn your secondhand clothes. sometimes i wanna give it all back 2 ya. thats what you deserve, thats what u deserve!! is it a conspiracy that the music is telling the youth 2 rise up against the establishment because the establishment is rapidly destroying things? is that a conspiracy? music speaks 2 u every day, but u’r 2 deaf, dum, and blind 2 listen. its not my conspiracy, it’s not my music. i didn’t write the music!!!!

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 7:15 p.m. CST


    by slkboxrman

    just countering several comments, i loved stargate, id4, the day after tommorow, and godzilla. what was really wrong with them ? besides matthew broderick in the lead in godzilla?

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 7:21 p.m. CST


    by smackfu

    Have you considered the full ramifications of suggesting that white people evolved from black people?

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 7:25 p.m. CST


    by jsm1978

    Why is the idea of a racist caveman movie such a shock? Evolutionary thought leads to racism. If we all evolved, who evolved the most?

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 7:43 p.m. CST

    Any horse fucking in this movie?

    by Cruel_Kingdom

    I just can't watch a 10,000 BC movie without some good old horse fucking!

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 7:59 p.m. CST

    Roland Emmerich made a bad movie?

    by TheNorthlander

    Really? So what else is new?

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 8:01 p.m. CST

    "It doesn't say anything,

    by dirtsandwich

    it's just a doll."

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 8:31 p.m. CST

    Was the script written by David Duke?

    by kafka07

    racist cavemen, ha ha

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 8:55 p.m. CST

    "By the way Doctor... How do you spell 'amphetamine'?"

    by TheButcher

    Trik_Ster are you talking about Croyd Crenson?

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 8:57 p.m. CST

    Choptop - Recent studies have shown it may not be chink

    by BringingSexyBack

    s, but gooks, that we evolved from. There's yet another school of thought that believes that it was the dinks. I believe more research is needed before we settle on any one conclusion.

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 8:59 p.m. CST


    by BringingSexyBack

    He had dark skin, but a small penis.

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 9:02 p.m. CST

    Jesus was part Gentile

    by BringingSexyBack

    You can see he has a WASPy nose in all the pictures.

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 9:03 p.m. CST


    by BringingSexyBack

    Big pussy, big fun.

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 9:32 p.m. CST

    The Big Fucking Twist

    by HarrysTitCheese

    It's the FUTURE not the past, right? That's why there's multiple races in the tribe. Roland, you crafty cocksucker.

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 10:30 p.m. CST

    You Blew it Up!!!

    by doodler

    Damn you!! Damn you all to helll!!!! oh, and Mammoth Meat is people. PEOPLE!! Nice theory, HT Cheese.....

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 11:16 p.m. CST

    People! Behave yourselves!

    by Bronx Cheer

    For shame!

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 11:36 p.m. CST

    Sleestaks or nothing

    by Doctor_Sin

    fuck it

  • Sept. 16, 2007, 11:47 p.m. CST

    When do the mile-long spacships blow up the caves?

    by MrMysteryGuest

    And when does Will Smith fight Godzilla and climate changes?

  • Sept. 17, 2007, 1:50 a.m. CST

    Will we see primordial Cthulhu-worship?

    by Doctor_Sin

    And eldritch, oozing slime?

  • Sept. 17, 2007, 3:21 a.m. CST

    Michael Bay and Emmerich

    by D o o d

    Should have sex, I wreckon Emmerich would be the bitch and give birth to Uwe Boll. Then I would like to see MTV film them 24/7 in their home.

  • Sept. 17, 2007, 3:29 a.m. CST


    by Solrider77

    Yeah I want to see a movie based on ANABASIS too. Preferabley directed by either Michael Mann, Ridley Scott, or Edward Zwick.

  • Sept. 17, 2007, 10:10 a.m. CST

    What the hell are you talking about Doc Strange....?


    What fine historian was around to take a census of race in pre-history? Who cares? Is there documentary footage? Are you thinking of the Flintstones?

  • Sept. 17, 2007, 12:04 p.m. CST

    Doc Strange's story

    by Shaner Jedi

    sounds similar to the Nation of Islam's old story about the origins of man.

  • Sept. 17, 2007, 12:15 p.m. CST

    Mori' childhood memories

    by ewokstew

    wait...those movies came out like 13-15 years ago and he was a child, then? How young is he?

  • Sept. 17, 2007, 1:04 p.m. CST

    That "whites had deficient genes" nonsense was used by

    by Stalin vs Predator

    ..the Nation of Islam "preachers" who bred the Zebra serial killers, wasn't it? Or was it the Yahweh-ben-Yahweh sect? Either way, a famed "religious" group of murderous maniacs subscribed to that idiocy and taught it to its serial killer recruits. In fact, most likely *both* the Zebras and the Yahwehs used it...

  • Sept. 17, 2007, 11:56 p.m. CST


    by TheNorthlander

    You were better off paying ten bucks than watching that movie.