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Massawyrm Calms Down The 13 Year Old In Him Long Enough To Talk About SHOOT 'EM UP!!
Hola all. Massawyrm here.
You know, there are some films that you dream of that there is just no possible way that they can ever live up to the dream in your head. There was a point, somewhere in the 90's, that I dreamed of this movie. We sat around, drunk off of a whole series of John Woo and Tsui Hark and Stephen Chow films – films starring unknown (to us) foreign gods like Jet Li and Jackie Chan and Sammo Hung and Chow Yun Fat – and we all said the same thing. If only we could get these guys over here we could make the best movies, like, ever. Man. For some reason, we always punctuated it with Man. It was the 90's. Man.
We all dreamed of the day, and we knew it was coming. 1997 baby! Communist China was going to take over Hong Kong and all of our unknown foreign gods would flood the American market with films so badass that it would take years for other Americans to even be able to process them. It was going to be glorious.
Let me spoil the end of the story for you. It didn't work out so well. We brought our new idols to our soil and it turned out to be some sort of talent Kryptonite. We teamed up brilliant directors with the "Muscles from Brussels" and their movies sucked. We put Jet Li in a fucking Lethal Weapon movie. I don't even want to talk about what we did to Jackie Chan. It wasn't all bad, but it was never what we dreamt. But there was always that dream, that distant hope that an American director could make a film with that kind of action, with a level of violence that transcended language, transcended story, hell, transcended common sense, and became something so glorious to look at that you could barely lift popcorn to your mouth for fear you might miss a single moment of action.
Well, someone finally made that movie. And they called it Shoot 'Em Up.
The first thing you need to know going in is that, no, Shoot 'Em Up is not serious. Quite the contrary. Shoot 'Em Up is a comedy, a comedy written in the language of extreme, implausible violence. But instead of what we're accustomed in most of the parodies and comedies of this day and age, Shoot 'Em Up refuses to wink at the camera. It refuses to take a moment and say "You know this is a joke, right? We're only kidding and we know how silly this all is." It just plows along from set piece to set piece, each scene becoming more and more ridiculous than the scene before it, ramping up the action and humor with a cast that couldn't be more straight faced. And it wouldn't work otherwise. This movie wants to make you laugh, make you cheer, make you clap at just how over the top it gets. See that? See the top? Oh that's so far below where we're stopping. Just wait until we get to the next scene it seems to say with every break in the action. When there is a break, that is.
And there's not much of a plot to speak of. There's just enough background and story to get you from point A to point B without it being nonsensical. The action is linked together in a credible fashion, but it just exists in a different universe than you and I. A far off, very distant universe with completely different laws of physics. And it never takes itself too seriously nor apologizes for that fact. It just begins kicking ass within the first few minutes and then never stops.
The best way to describe it is as if you sat a thirteen-year-old down with a bowl of Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ice cream covered in Nestle Quik and pixie sticks, then let him wash it down with Jolt Cola and had him watch about a half-dozen John Woo movies. Then you asked him to write his own screenplay afterwards. THIS is the movie that kid would try to explain to his mother afterwards. MOM! MOM! LISTEN! First there's these guys and they like want to kill this baby and then this guy shows up and he's all like POW! POW! POW! And then he jumps out a window with the baby and he's shooting like everyone like a hundred times each and then the lactating hooker shows up and there's this part with an airplane and a helicopter, but that's after he sets up all the guns with strings on the triggers!"
That's Shoot 'Em Up. It is a completely insane amalgam of all the Hong Kong movies you've ever seen – except that it never blatantly steals from any of them. The influence is obvious. One look at this and you know that someone was high or drunk or buzzing to the gills with caffeine while watching Hard Boiled and wanted to know what it would be like if someone made a movie about just the baby sequence. But you never feel like you've seen it all before. Quite the contrary, this is a film made by someone who wanted to make a movie with everything he HADN'T seen on film before. This is a film made by someone who LOVES the material, and is making a comedy not to laugh at the genre, but rather to tell jokes with it. He knows the language of these films and speaks it fluently. And that's what's so funny about it.
This is not a serious action film. It's a seriously funny comedy for those folks who are just as fluent. This thing is a hell of a lot of fun and everything the trailer promises to be. If the trailer got your blood pumping and very interested in this, odds are you're gonna enjoy it, and for those it comes Highly Recommended. If however it just looked silly, stupid or just plain retarded, this is Not Recommended for you. As much fun as this is, it's not going to make a convert out of anyone. It is very upfront about what it is and it never deviates from that. At all. Which is what you will either love or hate about it.
Until next time friends, smoke ‘em if ya got ‘em.
Massawyrm
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Shoot 'em Up was freaking awesome.
SEE IT! -
...is probably the best thing this movie has going for it?
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looks like it could be a lot of fun, and Monica looks like she could be a lot of fun.
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Hard Target is the second best American John Woo movie. The first is Face-Off. The rest is a distant last. That ain't sayin' much, but I'm just sayin'...
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own.
Baby gotta eat (Monica's breats). -
Good review...have to MAKE myself avoid trailers...gotta see something fresh this summer for o nce.
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I can't wait, I have been overly excited about this movie since i saw the cartoon shots. This is gonna be a Badass dude. 7 days and counting
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Aug 31, 2007 10:38:11 AM CDT
I need to see a retarded movie with primo breasts......
by stuntcock mike
Oh wait, I just watched Halloween.
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The image of some kid jacked up on various sugar foods and John Woo movies describing a screenplay to his mom had me laughing.
As for this movie, am I the only one who knew nothing about its existence until like 2 weeks ago? Seriously, Clive Owen & Paul Giamatti in a screwy action/comedy in the Hong Kong style - how has this site not covered it to death? -
Don't you just review the crap films coming out?
I like your reviews better when you hate the movie. -
...It seemed kinda repetitive with him sliding around everywhere, whether on grease or on a dolly... SO Massawyrm, was it repetitive in that sense???
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Hey, only child hearted people watch movies to begin with, so, don't be so proud. REAL adults don't waste their time watching stories instead of living their lives. They sure as fuck don't spend it talking on a movie forum. But you keep on pretending to be an adult there and one day daddy's shoes will actually fit you!
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in the movie. Once at the beginning, then really briefly to do a cool thing in the middle.
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This movie looks great.
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I didn't like the trailer and still loved the movie!
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I saw a very early screening of this movie and I swear, I didn't stop laughing through the entire movie. Everybody around me spent at least five minutes wheezing for breath from laughing so hard. In a good way, not like King Arthur.
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Seriously,
From HDNet, "Nothing But Trailers"
I've watched it many a time and it keeps me coming back for more.
I'm there.
MT -
If it's as fun as it sounds and knows what it is then i'll watch it and Monica is the most amazing female creature ever to grace the surface of our planetoid.
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the one, the only, Mr. Neill Cumpston.
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Clive Owens your asses.
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