Hey, everyone. ”Moriarty” here.

We got in a loooooooooot of reviews for the leaked-online workprint of HALLOWEEN over the last few days, and we haven’t run them because you guys are reviewing something that you know has already been changed. To what degree is something you won’t know until you see the theatrical cut, but at this point, reviewing that bootleg seems pointless.

Before I offer an opinion on the film, I'll check out the final cut of it at a midnight show in a little while, and I'll be sure to check in afterwards. However, a longtime spy has come out of retirement tonight to drop off his review of the finished film, and it’s a pleasure to welcome back the Rock’n’Roll Dick himself, Ford Fairlane:

Okay, okay, okay.

SPOILERS GALORE!!!!

Harry. Mori. Quint. Long time, no post. Ford here.

That being said, let's get down to brass tacks. Last week, I saw a screening of the "re-imagining" of HALLOWEEN by Rob Zombie. But while we're talking, let me also say that I know from some phone calls that Rob reads everything
on this site, despite what he's said before. So Rob, thanks for reading this and maybe I can give you some constructive criticism on your film here.

Let me start by saying it's not horrible, but it does have its problems.

The biggest problem is a BIG problem that has been happening in Tinseltown lately with sequels and re-imaginations and what not. This movie has the same problems that Die Hard 4 has in the fact that the character in that film is NOT John McClane. Sure its Bruce Willis. But it wasn't John McClane. Had that movie been called 'The Day the Computers Took Over' or something lame like that, it would have been one thing. But you sold me on the fact that it was a Die Hard sequel, and well, it really wasn't. You just gave Bruce Willis a gun, gave him the lamest one-liners of his career (seriously, name one memorable one-liner like you could from the other three) and had him shoot some bad-guys. McClane came off more like Tommy Gavin in Rescue Me than he did McClane. He whined a lot and complained about having to be involved. The old McClane had the "oh yeah, well f*&k you" vibe that this one never pulled off. And Tim Olyphant who usually chews up every bit of celluloid he is on is dryer than his performance in Gone in 60 Seconds. The Die Hard franchise works because the villains are just as cool as McClane. Hans Gruber might be the greatest screen villain of all time. Olpyhant, much like McClane, comes off as whiny. And you studio execs, seriously, how many shots in that movie did we have of people typing on computers? Do you know how boring that is? Seriously.

Well, this isn't Michael Myers. Rob (can I call you Rob?), I have read in numerous interviews with you how you looked at Myers history and wanted to make us understand why he is the killer that he is. On Wikipedia, they even have you saying how basically when you look into the history of Dahmer and Manson and the like, after their childhood the only thing they could possibly end up as is a serial killer.

Well, that's all fine and dandy. But my friend, Michael Myers is not a serial killer. HE IS A SLASHER!!! They do not exist in the real world. Jeffrey Dahmer had a job. Most serial killers have jobs and normal lives. They kill people because they get off on it. Ted Bundy was very liked and had several jobs. But he got off on murdering girls. Well Rob (I'm assuming now I can call you Rob), Michael Myers ain't delivering pizzas. Mike Myers isn't a tennis pro. Mike Myers won't change your tired, I don't care if he IS wearing a mechanics jumpsuit. Mike Myers does one thing and that is wear a mask and go around killing people. He is NOT a serial killer. He does NOT have the same background as a serial killer. He is according to the original and even your film the personification of evil.

What made him so scary in the original is that there was NO motive. If you remember, all the Laurie Strode sister stuff didn't come up until part 2. In the original, this guy was "coming home" to Haddonfield, and he was just going to kill everyone. There was no bad childhood or any kind of parental abuse that leads someone to become a SLASHER. They just are. I've got to imagine that if you really thought this was a good idea, then you must have LOVED the second CHAINSAW remake that had the background of Leatherface.

Its the same idea, and it didn't work there either. Hitchcock made a career of playing against the comforting ideas of evil. The idea of evil being ubiquitous and commonplace is what makes it scary. Not if it comes from something horrific. Having Michael Myers in Carpenter's version come from a normal home in the suburbs, from a child that seemed normal that just all of the sudden snapped, stopped speaking, and become personified evil was terrifying. It could have been ANYONE. Having him come from a home where the father preys upon the daughter in law sexually, where the daughter is a pretty slutty girl, and the mother is a stripper who allows herself to be put on flyers for the stripper where they could easily come into contact of the high school students her son goes to school with, well, talk about stocking it up against him. I can see how all of these things would make him a little crazy. But it also doesn't work for the character of Michael Myers. Why is he going to suburb Haddonfield if he comes from this white trash family that couldn't have possibly lived in these neighborhoods. Myers finds Laurie in the original because he returns to his house which the neighborhood believes to be haunted. In this version, he somehow magically finds her in her neighborhood. Myers also is able to walk around the streets during the day with his mask on without anyone even asking a question. He goes right into a graveyard on Halloween day (no one looking out for anything weird in a graveyard on Halloween day. The cops of Haddonfield are absolute geniuses.) and steal a headstone. And when he is spotted in the streets, even the girls hardly pay him any mind. They actually start screaming obscenities at a 6'8 man in a mask, and then he walks across the street right in front of them and they pay him no mind at all. We find out that Michael is crazy because after getting into a fight at school with some bullies that call his mother a whore, the school looks into his bag and finds a dead cat carcass and pictures of dead animals. If anything, this guy seems more poised for a career as an Atlanta Falcons quarterback than as a slasher. And the fact that after the arrest he keeps talking until he forks the nurse in the neck doesn't so much to add to the creepy either.

Laurie isn't the doe-eyed teen that she is in the original. We cheer for Jamie Lee Curtis to live because she is pretty much the moral compass of the story. She sees Michael a couple of times early in the film, and she is scared of him. She is paranoid. The day of Halloween (like for many people) gets to her. This Laurie is a jerk. She gives little Tommy shit at the beginning, teasing him and trying to scare him. Her friend Linda is a complete asshole, and her behavior to the other students is similar to the behavior that Myers' classmates give him. Totally bullying. And when Annie talks to Laurie about Ben Tramer, she seems excited, possibly horny even. The original Laurie was completely embarrassed and was very pissed off that Annie would do this.

Which brings us to Dr. Loomis. Loomis seems like a goof in this one. Everything between him and Michael is so basic. 'So Michael, talk to me about anything you want to talk about.' And NOTHING ever comes of this. There is no breakthrough, or any point where Michael reveals ANYTHING to him. Not ONE SINGLE TIME. And then Loomis lets his guard down, and Michael kills the nurse. We then pan to ten years later, and the following things have happened:

- Michael is allowed to keep making masks like Leatherface and wearing them at all times. I'm fairly certain that this wouldn't be condoned at most institutions holding people that knifed their whole families apart, beat a boy to death with a stick and carry around dead carcasses to school for show and tell.

- Michael, who is an undersized child and has a family of average sized people, has grown to 6'8, weighing about 275 pounds, and looks closer to Mankind of WWF fame then he does the original Michael Myers. I've seen ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOOS NEST. Don't they typically like to keep these people sedated. And what kind of gym do they have where Michael, who we are only shown making masks constantly (remind you of another "re-imagined" slasher that's had a couple remakes lately??) is able to really bulk up, you know, works on the traps and the triceps and obviously getting protein shakes (hell, maybe he IS trying to be an Atlanta Falcons quarterback) and a steady diet of lean meat? That's a hell of a growth spurt. Myers would have a really good shot at playing starting center for a Division 1 team if this is his size at the age of 20. Coach K, are you watching this?

-- Loomis quits after making ZERO progress. Actually, if you really weigh it in, he makes negative process since he actually is somewhat responsible for the death of the nurse. And after he quits, he goes on a LECTURE TOUR to tell people about his career of treating Michael Myers. What is in this lecture? "Hey everyone, let me tell you about my absolutely shitty therapy that I gave a maniacal "serial killer". My therapy is so bad ass that it ended up with more murders than the ones that he had when he showed up. Who wants to talk about their childhood with me??" And in this version, Loomis knows that he is going after Laurie, but for reasons unexplained, instead of, I don't know, looking up a PHONEBOOK, Loomis decides he should hang out with the cops for 20 minutes of movie time and debate whether or not Myers is evil before they come up with the genius idea of 'hey, if he's here to kill Laurie, maybe, you know, just for kicks, we should go check out Laurie's house and make sure the people there are still alive, you know, just to be sure.'

-- Slashers or even serial killers Rob are not good guys. So don't try to paint them like that. And I love the smarts behind the escape. Two drunk prison guards decide they are going to rape a new inmate. Where are they going to do this? Well, they decide to do it IN MICHAEL MYERS' ROOM/CELL!!!

Because that's really smart. If I was going to be one of these guys, I wouldn't pick an isolated area. No, that's boring. I'd pick the room with the 6'8, 275 lb psycho killer that wears a MASK and has NO RESTRAINTS. That is the smart move. That is where I'm taking care of business. I'd buy that for a dollar.

If anyone in Haddonfield has scored higher than an 800 on their SATs, I would be shocked. This is a town of the dumbest people on the planet. If I was from Illinois, I would protest this film until they made it Idaho or some state like that.

So Rob, wipe that tear away, Im about to get into the good stuff you've got here.

Okay, the beginning isn't very good, nor is it interesting. The opening of the original was historic because it was very simple and had the really cool POV shot through the mask of Myers coming home, seeing the boyfriend leave (how many boyfriends have sex with a girl in her house with her step dad home, go downstairs and have a snack? ), going to the kitchen, getting the knife, going upstairs, killing sis, and going out front to be caught by Mom and Dad. So not very good. Loomis and Michael “bonding", also not very good. Okay Rob, go get some tissues, this might take a second. Michael's escape is pretty weak. And the teens that do get killed all get killed literally in a span of about four minutes. Nothing drawn out or suspenseful. Just real quick WHAM BAM!!

HERE WE GO ROB!!! GOOD STUFF!!!

So we all know how the story goes. Laurie goes to check on her friends, and in this version, Annie is STILL ALIVE. This scene actually plays great. She's been knifed a bunch, and she can't really communicate to Laurie that Myers is still in the house. Laurie goes to the kitchen to call the police, and Annie can't get her attention to let her know that Myers is coming for her. This scene has good suspense and it really works well, and this leads to the whole chase scene of Laurie trying to elude Myers. And in this version, part of the reimagining that works, Michael actually moves pretty quickly. He doesn't have to leisurely slasher stroll that he had in the past. He wants to get to Laurie and he's making moves like Charles Oakley
to get there.

BAD STUFF IS BACK

But once he gets there, he just knocks out Laurie, leaves the kids alive, and takes her to some house. I assume this house was the Myers old house, but it doesnt make much sense because they have a big swimming pool and it seems like a house much nicer than the white trash family we were presented with would ever be able to afford. How many non-working step-dads and stripper Moms have two story houses with pools? And yes, I actually WOULD like an answer to that question. I am not familiar with real estate values in Haddonfield, so maybe its much lower than I figure.

(also, not a single moment in this film feels like Halloween. No shots of a bunch of trick or treaters. No carving Jack O Lanterns. The first film FEELS like Halloween, even if you watch in on Christmas. This one feels like any old night.)

So Michael gets her home, and tries to show her pictures of them as children (not sure where he got these) and takes off his mask. Rob, my friend, NO ONE HAS LONG HAIR ANYMORE. Institutions regularly cut the hair of inmates I'm fairly certain. I know you were in a rock band, or possibly still are, I'm not sure it matter either way, but why does Myers look like Slash? So we can't even SEE Myers because of the hair, and then Laurie tries to escape. Apparently, since she didn't like their childhood picture (or at any point in the film AT ALL becomes aware that she is Myers sister- there is no conversation of her being adopted or ANYTHING), Myers chases her into
an empty pool and tries to kill her. Loomis shows up and shoots a few times, and then takes Laurie. But when he shoots him, it's SO anticlimactic, its such a lame shot when he dies that you know he isnt dead.

So they get to the car, and Myers shows up and drags her out of the vehicle. The cops show up and draw their guns, and Myers holds Laurie in front of him AS A HOSTAGE!!!! This is the same girl he carried home so they could bond. Now she is a shield against the policemen's bullets. Loomis, apparently aware that he needs to do ONE THING RIGHT in his entire career of psychiatry talks Myers into releasing Laurie, which he actually does. One must think Myers feels sorry actually for Loomis for being such a embarrassment to the Smith Grove staff. Then after Myers drops his knife, his only weapon, the Haddonfield police department OPEN FIRE. For some reason, this time the bullets kill Michael. Loomis apparently can't even kill someone by shooting them four times at point blank range.

Rob, the AMAZING thing about the first Halloween was Michael NOT BEING THERE when Loomis looks over the ledge. In this one, he gets gunned down like at the end of Halloween 4, and THAT'S IT. No cool music. No big bang. Nothing.

Rob, I'm not a huge fan of HOUSE OF 1000 CORPSES, but I liked what you were going for. I moderately liked DEVIL'S REJECTS, but feel that it too failed. I get that this movie has a built in audience and now will allow you to make more movies, for which I'm sure society in general is excited about. However, next time, let's try to make the scary a little more scary. If you want to make a movie about a serial killer, then make this one. But don't call it HALLOWEEN. Don't reimagine anything. Just call it "Serial Killer in a town full of morons.' Then, much like Die Hard 4 with my previously mentioned title change, I could enjoy it better.

Bat Fu. Fork Fu. Worst possible beer run in history of film. Gratuitous Danny Trejo. Rock N Roll Detective Nomination for Danny Trejo for saying "I too have spent time behind bars." Mask Fu. Rock N Roll Detective nomination for Malcolm McDowell for saying "this is all your fault." Photo Fu. Hostage Fu. Rock N Roll Detective nomination to the cop for saying "freeze" and then getting knifed before getting off a single shot. And a big wet kiss to Rob Zombie for not overcoming the re-make slump so that hopefully we can see some NEW IDEAS on the screen instead of a Friday the 13th remake or a SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT remake. I'm even dreading the FOOTLOOSE remake. Rob, have you thought about getting involved with the FOOTLOOSE remake? FOOTLOOSE with the music of White Zombie??? I'm just saying...

My point is, if you're going to call it HALLOWEEN or DIE HARD, then you've got to stay in that universe because by using those names, that is how you are selling the audience. And if you don't keep it in that universe, then it's basically fraud for selling us with that particular name. And then the very fans you are trying to win over are going to turn on you REGARDLESS of what the quality of the film is because they feel like they've been had.

I realize this is a lot of rambling, but this is my first review in awhile, and I'm a little rusty. Hope to be back soon.

Capone, I hope things are working out for your house. Everyone pony up some coin to help the good man.

Out.