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An Early Review Of Stifler In GARY THE TENNIS COACH!
Hey, everyone. ”Moriarty” here.
Seann William Scott’s having a very strange career these days. I don’t know if he’s happy with the films he’s making, but from my perspective, it all looks terribly depressing. MR. WOODCOCK’s been rescheduled and reshot so many times that it’s going to play like one of Michael Apted’s 7 UP films by the time it comes out. And now he’s got this one waiting for release with Danny Lanier directing. The title sounds to me like the most generic of comedies, but maybe there’s more to it.
Let’s see what our spy has to say:
Harry,
Long time reader, first time contributor. I live in LA and I often see those guys and gals holding clipboards and offering free tickets to movies that haven’t been released yet. Come on, I’m an American. I love free shit. Especially free movies, as out here they can cost you 14 bucks. I go to these screenings whenever I can, hoping to see something worth telling you about, but walk out of the movie wanting those 90 minutes of my life back. But not tonight. Tonight I saw the crudest, funniest, and most offensively hilarious movie I’ve seen in a long time. A little equal opportunity offender called GARY THE TENNIS COACH.
It stars Stifler, er, Seann William Scott as a guy named Gary who, you guessed it, coaches tennis. Not because he wants to, but because he HAS to. It’s in his blood, it’s in his heritage, but he’s experienced a lifetime of being bitchslapped by “Lady Tennis”. From his days spent playing table tennis in his basement against his older brother as his cheating father would referee, making calls to ensure his brother would always win, to his darker days spent playing on the MTA (Mexican Tennis Association) circuit where his career is cut short by an off-court incident. The “misunderstanding” involves Gary, a donkey show, and one helluva communication breakdown. And it KILLS!
Leaving Lady Tennis behind, Gary settles down in a small Nebraska town where he finds a “kickass job” as a high school janitor. Randy Quaid, in a brilliantly kickass, crudely irreverent incarnation of the twisted characters he plays so well, is the school’s head tennis coach, who convinces Gary to be his assistant. THIS is where the movie really takes off, as Gary’s interactions with the students and his players are pricelessly, tastelessly, hysterically jawdropping. Gary’s heart is always in the right place, but his methods are unconventionally whacked.
In one scene, he advises one of his players (who insists he isn’t gay) to “save his cockfest for college” but that he can still have sex in high school by “pumping her from behind and pretending she’s some dude”. I’m laughing my ass off and somehow at the same time seeing his tripped out logic as some sort of deranged genius.
That’s what sold me on this movie. Sean William Scott. Playing a character that’s so weirdly, creepily demented while somehow making the guy incredibly charming. 100% of what Gary says is off-color and offensive, but Scott plays him with so much heart that he completely won me over. In another scene, Gary sees the cocky quarterback of the football team bullying one of his smaller players in the hallway. Losing his temper, Gary pep-talks/threatens his player to stand up for himself. The kid then knocks quarterback’s books to the floor and runs away. As the quarterback chases him, Gary cuts him off and verbally threatens his manhood in such a way that the whole crowd erupted in applause. The moment is so fucking great, I can’t wait to see this again for that scene alone. When Gary threatens the school’s star QB with tales of a red-hot shiv being shoved down his cock, I fell to the floor laughing as the whole crowd cheered their heads off. It’s one of those movies where I couldn’t hear half the lines in the movie because of all the laughter. Great stuff, top to bottom.
It’s by Danny Leiner, the guy who directed DUDE WHERE’S MY CAR and the brilliant HAROLD & KUMAR GO TO WHITECASTLE, so it’s coming to a theater near you and you’re gonna thank me for giving you the heads up!
If you decide to use this, call me ICEMAN.
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I always liked the FIRST SWS movie...
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Typecast anyone?
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Maybe an android. Who uses terms like "it KILLS!" anyway?
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I'm so happy.
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This read like a press release.
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Just beat off to your pic of Sean William Scott and get it over with. Jesus H. Christ, you either have to be a plant or want Stifler's dick down your throat.
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Wow. I have never claimed PLANT before, but this has lackey written all over it.
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meaning, you had me convinced not to see this shitstorm...
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I've never heard such an "upbeat" review for an off-color and offensive comedy? It sounds like some kid trying to make a lame story seem a lot cooler then it really was. "When Gary threatens the school’s star QB with tales of a red-hot shiv being shoved down his cock, I fell to the floor laughing as the whole crowd cheered their heads off." Seriously how is this any different from Stifler telling Jim to man up? Oh Seann William Scott you looked liked you could choose good movies back when you did the Rundown.
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Do you mean this guy is trusted, or just some doof that sent in a review? 'Cause he sounds 103% fake to me.
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he says this type of weed needs TOTAL FUCKIN DESTRUCTION...some people are so(gunshot)clueless, c'mon, the guy wrote "directed the brilliant HAROLD AND KUMAR..." seriously man. go sit in corner. well, this actually sounds a bit funny, not that i'd ever pay to see this in a theater, but i think seann william scott has charisma, something missing in a lot of young actors nowadays...
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... it reads reeeeeeally leafy to me, too, but then again, some of you actually thought HAROLD & KUMAR was funny. I thought it was garbage, but I remember how angry people got at me for saying so, and so maybe... just maybe... some guy who isn't named "Danny Lanier" actually thinks GARY THE TENNIS COACH is just this funny.
You be the judge. -
fuck was that pumped out by a fucking robot? "coming to a theatre near you and you'll thank me for giving you the heads up". WTF? "100% of what Gary says is off-color and offensive, but Scott plays him with so much heart that he completely won me over." these guys aren't even fucking trying anymore. cocksuckers...
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Seann William Scott does make me laugh, but I think he either makes horrible choices or only gets horrible films thrown his way. It'd be fun to see him take a risk now and then, go do some smaller films, see what happens.
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Can Kal Penn really act? Has anyone seen The Namesake? I had wanted to, and it seems that some people who reviewed Van Wilder 2: Rise of Taj actually gave the dude a rimjob for his performance.
Of course, when you act in nothing but shit like Epic Movie and Rise of Taj, even Stephen Hawking could out-act everyone in the movie
And who else thought that Kal Penn eating Crispin Glover's shit in "Epic Movie" was a metaphor for the entire film? -
trust me, we can smell our own
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wow. the studio needs to fire this horticulturalist. wow.
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I think this reviewer hit the "Sarcasm Lock" key before he started typing this one up. Can't believe you guys think a plant would make it this obvious.
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i read this script like three months ago and its fuckin awful. after about 5 minutes, gary cursing at little kids gets old. its not even creative, just him saying "fuck yeah". none of it makes any sense. gary is some amazing tennis player and coach, yet he lives in a Winnebago and works as a janitor? the donkey scene this dude refers to isnt funny at all - * SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER * basically theyre in TJ at a donkey sex show and gary gets on stage and the donkey fucks him. i dont know, maybe Sean makes a funny face and it works but on the page it dies. "and then he fucks a donkey" is a running joke between me and my friends for lazy writing thats supposed to be shocking but in fact is just dumb. the whole thing its seriously awful.
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I can't fucking believe gets work! I wouldn't go see a movie w/ this douchebag if you paid me. I'd rather see a romantic comedy. A tear jerker. A docomentry, but not this tool.
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what does that mean? wouldn't it go up his cock? or did it enter through the throat, down his stomach and then down his cock?
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was that post an excuse to write the word... y'know... cock.
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What was Chase thinking? Mind you, it was one of the all-time worse Sopranos episodes (Luxury Lounge for those who want to know), except for Lauren Bacall getting knocked out and robbed.
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The reviewer tries too hard to convince us he's a normal guy. "I live in LA and I often see those guys and gals holding clipboards and offering free tickets to movies that haven’t been released yet"...yes, we know what screenings are. We do visit this site after all. "It stars Stifler, er, Seann William Scott"...ok, if you have the ability to write this well about a movie and recall the plot almost verbatim, you should also be able to remember Seann William Scott's name. Besides, people that say stuff like "It’s by Danny Leiner, the guy who directed DUDE WHERE’S MY CAR and the brilliant HAROLD & KUMAR GO TO WHITECASTLE" are not the same kind of people that would refer to Scott as "Stifler". Either you're an average dumbass who doesn't know anything about movies, or you're well-informed. Pick which one you're going to be.
That's what's irritating about this review. You can tell it's obviously an intelligent person trying to write like the kind of stupid person that this movie is aimed at. There's a built-in level of condescension here, like "Well, the audience for this movie is the 20-year-old morons who visit this site, so I better try to write down to their level." If this was a real person writing a review, they'd try to balance out everything positive they said with some comments on how the movie could be improved, or at least mention a few things that didn't work as well. And he wouldn't write like a 40-year old studio executive: "it KILLS!" "That’s what sold me on this movie". "Great stuff, top to bottom" Sorry, you really should have tried harder, and trying to stick in gratuitous profanity doesn't take away from the fact that you can obviously write well and you do this for a living. -
Thank you for analyzing the post. I think it's nead that someone's use of language is just like seeing someone's facial expressions ... the non-trained eye will pick up a subtle nuance or a tick and think for a moment, "Man, something's not right about what this guy's saying" and then the CIA or FBI will feed your ass through a series of programs and watch you for about 30 dead-giveaways.
This review is full of crap ... top to bottom. I think it should be sent back to the studio with a copy of your post, BB2620, like the head of a enemy soldier ...
"Try harder next time." -
Dude Where's My Car was obviously pretty dumb, but it had a couple moments. I like Harold and Kumar. So the likelihood for me enjoying Gary the Tennis Coach is reasonable.
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If the studio wants this site to post positive reviews of movies then they should just have the director call Harry and talk for ten minutes. Anyone remember the numerous raves for Hostel 2? Yeah.
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Moriarty surely you get plant emails all the time and you filter through them so that we don't have to endure their coporate bullshit? How the fuck did this slip through the net?? "Randy Quaid, in a brilliantly kickass, crudely irreverent incarnation of the twisted characters he plays so well" OH FUCK OFF. PLANT CUNT.
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it's a shame that he did such a good job in American Pie that he needs to roll his character over into each film.
I think they should just cash in and make a film entitled Stiffler. I saw a lot of Ka-ching! -
Remember Evolution? How many careers were killed in the debacle?
Oh, and PLANT! -
Instead of following the logical progression of Jim becoming a father, they opt for the adventures of Stifler's little brother... Much like Hostess Fruit Pies, which used to be tasty and full of filling and are now just sugary cardboard filled with air and broken promises. Bastards.
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Hellooooo, Oscars!
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One thing's for sure: won't see it. And I dig Seann William Scott: he was the only good thing in American Pie (the first one: I didn't bother the other ones) and showed some "depth" in Stark Raving Mad. I hope he'll show some gusto in Southland Tales.
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The first time I saw AP it was like someone had follwed my friends around high school with a pad and pen taking notes. I guess everyone felt that way and had a connection to those guys and thats how it worked so well. I loved SWS in Road Trip and his small role in Old School begs for a returning larger role in that films sequel. Call me a stick in the mud but any movie involving people fucking animals or vice versa is just not worth watching to me. I could never understand anyone wanting to see someone abuse an animal in that way.
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you can still have sex by “pumping her from behind and pretending she’s some dude”.
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Hopefully you did. It was on last night at like 10:30pm. Good time slot. The PLANT was right. It does kill in so many scenes. Now that the hype has died down, I hope more people will revisit Balls Out: GTTC. I'm proud of my work on the film and feel it is destined to become a cult clasic. Look for the DVD in the grocery store bargain bins at an incredibly low price!
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What up?
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Haven't been topside a whole lot. Listening on the plans that Harry has for revamping the site and such. Yourself?
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To learn the history of AICN is to prevent repeating the mistakes of the past.
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I used to think you were omniscient and omnipresent [but not omnipotent]. My faith was shattered.
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It does give them the willies
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