Hey, everyone. ”Moriarty” here.

Seann William Scott’s having a very strange career these days. I don’t know if he’s happy with the films he’s making, but from my perspective, it all looks terribly depressing. MR. WOODCOCK’s been rescheduled and reshot so many times that it’s going to play like one of Michael Apted’s 7 UP films by the time it comes out. And now he’s got this one waiting for release with Danny Lanier directing. The title sounds to me like the most generic of comedies, but maybe there’s more to it.

Let’s see what our spy has to say:

Harry,

Long time reader, first time contributor. I live in LA and I often see those guys and gals holding clipboards and offering free tickets to movies that haven’t been released yet. Come on, I’m an American. I love free shit. Especially free movies, as out here they can cost you 14 bucks. I go to these screenings whenever I can, hoping to see something worth telling you about, but walk out of the movie wanting those 90 minutes of my life back. But not tonight. Tonight I saw the crudest, funniest, and most offensively hilarious movie I’ve seen in a long time. A little equal opportunity offender called GARY THE TENNIS COACH.

It stars Stifler, er, Seann William Scott as a guy named Gary who, you guessed it, coaches tennis. Not because he wants to, but because he HAS to. It’s in his blood, it’s in his heritage, but he’s experienced a lifetime of being bitchslapped by “Lady Tennis”. From his days spent playing table tennis in his basement against his older brother as his cheating father would referee, making calls to ensure his brother would always win, to his darker days spent playing on the MTA (Mexican Tennis Association) circuit where his career is cut short by an off-court incident. The “misunderstanding” involves Gary, a donkey show, and one helluva communication breakdown. And it KILLS!

Leaving Lady Tennis behind, Gary settles down in a small Nebraska town where he finds a “kickass job” as a high school janitor. Randy Quaid, in a brilliantly kickass, crudely irreverent incarnation of the twisted characters he plays so well, is the school’s head tennis coach, who convinces Gary to be his assistant. THIS is where the movie really takes off, as Gary’s interactions with the students and his players are pricelessly, tastelessly, hysterically jawdropping. Gary’s heart is always in the right place, but his methods are unconventionally whacked.

In one scene, he advises one of his players (who insists he isn’t gay) to “save his cockfest for college” but that he can still have sex in high school by “pumping her from behind and pretending she’s some dude”. I’m laughing my ass off and somehow at the same time seeing his tripped out logic as some sort of deranged genius.

That’s what sold me on this movie. Sean William Scott. Playing a character that’s so weirdly, creepily demented while somehow making the guy incredibly charming. 100% of what Gary says is off-color and offensive, but Scott plays him with so much heart that he completely won me over. In another scene, Gary sees the cocky quarterback of the football team bullying one of his smaller players in the hallway. Losing his temper, Gary pep-talks/threatens his player to stand up for himself. The kid then knocks quarterback’s books to the floor and runs away. As the quarterback chases him, Gary cuts him off and verbally threatens his manhood in such a way that the whole crowd erupted in applause. The moment is so fucking great, I can’t wait to see this again for that scene alone. When Gary threatens the school’s star QB with tales of a red-hot shiv being shoved down his cock, I fell to the floor laughing as the whole crowd cheered their heads off. It’s one of those movies where I couldn’t hear half the lines in the movie because of all the laughter. Great stuff, top to bottom.

It’s by Danny Leiner, the guy who directed DUDE WHERE’S MY CAR and the brilliant HAROLD & KUMAR GO TO WHITECASTLE, so it’s coming to a theater near you and you’re gonna thank me for giving you the heads up!

If you decide to use this, call me ICEMAN.