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What Happened To Joe Hallenbeck!
I've received a good many emails, and seen this question posted on a few TALK BACKS, and I figured I'd give y'all a peek into what Joe Hallenbeck has been up to.
About 6 months ago I was in Los Angeles on one of my typical spy conferences with Houdini, Hallenbeck, Goldfinger, Moriarty, Flunky SideKick, John Robie, etc... The topic was... How are we going to get someone in to review.... STAR WARS EPISODE ONE.
Joe was specifically adamant that he be the one to first review it. He and Moriarty got in a bit of a brawl resulting in inflamed gonads all around, but before he left.... He said, "This isn't the last of Hallenbeck you'll see!"
About 7 weeks ago I received a plain white envelop with a normal non-geeky stamp with a San Francisco postal code on it. Curious, I opened the letter and inside was a letter that stank of Hallenbeck. It had stains that crime labs would marvel at. The letter informed me that Joe was no longer living in Los Angeles (temporarily) but that he decided to undertake the "GREATEST MISSION OF THEM ALL!!!" He is on the hunt to see and review STAR WARS EPISODE ONE.
Apparently he has some sort of position of non-import at Skywalker Ranch. Apparently he is convinced that he will watch this film before any of our other regular spies. He begged for forgiveness at the fact that he wasn't going to be covering the great amount of 'Shitfests' that Hollywood was going to be 'Spewing' at us. But... a higher calling was trumpeting his true inner wino.
He's seen some, but not the entire film. He reported to me that about 2 weeks ago there was a second screening of the movie for a large contingent of Lucas' friends that was of a print containing John Williams' score. He claims that Brian DePalma, Martin Scorsese, Francis Ford Coppola, Matthew Robbins, Steven Spielberg and a few others were there. But... he couldn't attend as he was forced to do something... I'm not allowed to mention.
So, true readers, know that Hallenbeck is out of the loop temporarily, but he's big game hunting at the moment. Take care and rest easy... The bastard is on the case....
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If MJH puts out a review of SW *before* I see it I will have to punch him in the mouth. No person should be forced to endure that sort of temptation.
Mmmm. The Matrix. Yummy. -
If anyone can find a way to see that movie, Mighty Joe can. If anyone can be trusted to give us the straight dope on that movie, Mighty Joe can. And if anyone, I mean anyone, can figure out a way to get Catherine Zeta-Jones, Jennifer Lopez, and Sarah Michelle Geller together with him in a hot tub in Malibu at the same time, Mighty Joe can. You go Joe! We're waiting on your report!
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when ya gotta go on a mission you gotta go!!
we british love missions, and even though I do not want to know anything about the new movie I hope lives the dream!!
go Joe!!!
cause if I was in his position I would bloody do it!!!
damn you guys are lucky in the states!!! -
At least last year's April Fool's trick was believable. This is plain stupid. Besides, Hallenback can kiss my ass as far as I'm concerned. His reviews are truly asinine.
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I think Harry is lulling us into a false sense of security before he springs the good one on us. These scoops today are much too mundane to count as April Fools jokes even if they are make-believe. You watch, later today he'll post some major news; like James Cameron just signed on the dotted line to direct Spiderman with Lane Meyers staring as Hollywoods first gay super hero. Have faith, Harry has something up his sleeve, don't you Harry?
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I have to admit, the only thing I really sorta get sick of here at AICN is the faker personas all the spies have. I mean, it seems we have at least 2 or 3 paragraphs of fictional spy stuff before we get to the real meat of the report. Even then, the whole post is sprinkled with references to said fiction and past exploits- like we'd remember them all!
Basically, I think it boils down to the geek factor. I mean, I think if I were in the same position I'd concoct some intricate backstory for my reporting persona too. But by now I think we've gotten the picture. end of line -
I remember in 1984 I skipped my high school chemistry class to see the noon (I believe Wednesday) premiere of Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. At that time, I was living on the far, far East Coast, and was in a time zone that allowed me to see the first noon screening before anyone else in North America. And, surpise, I was the only person in the theatre, so I probably was the first "civilian" to actually see it. In retrospect, I can say that seeing a major movie "first" doesn't really add up to much, and watching adults clamouring for some sort of "first" status, well...it's something that's best left to high school kids.
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Man, that would be the life! Trying to somehow sneak a screening of THE PHANTOM MENACE!
Hee hee!
I wonder, does Lucas use a cleaning service like many business's have, or does he have an inhouse crew. I'd imagine ILM has a whole lot of goodies lying around, so a minimum wage imigrant could buy their whole village back home with the profits from a stolen Full Scale Sith Speeder!
HAHHA!
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Who gives a pointy shit if you see the movie 3.5 hours ahead
of everyone else? ALL this buildup and boom, it's
over in 2 hours. Then, after May 19th, everyone's seen it and
your "sneak peek" doesn't mean shit. What do you
do if you see it first, blab your ass off
to everyone about the plot, thus making them want
to beat your ass? I can't wait for TPM to come out,
but I'll see it like everyone else, probable 3 or 4 times.
I realize this film release is more important to geeks
than if Jesus Christ was making an appearance, but
but it's just lame what some ppl are going through to
see it "first." -
Okay, now that we know where Hallenbeck has been, where is Robogeek and his searing expose "The Trouble with Tarzan"? Did I miss this?
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Who gives a shit? Anyone who admires Jerry Fuckenhimen movies has got questionable tastes at best. Armageddon sucked Joe, and everyone but you knew it.
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for pirating Might Joe Young? Wassup with that? Is he still, like, incarcerated or something?
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