Well folks, I'm off to sleep, I'm headed down to San Antonio to visit my grandparents who I've neglected for too long. I'll be back to update later this evening (aka Wednesday morning) but before I leave... I have one last bit for you to gnaw and chew on. MORIARTY'S wrapup of SHOWEST... I really think he has done a fantastic job these past couple of weeks, and I think it shows from the talk backs he's received. Well... here he goes...

Hey, Head Geek...

"Moriarty" here.

I left off my press conference coverage last time with
a couple of particularly wry cracks from Bill Macy and
Sean Connery. Let me assure you, faithful readers,
their tongues were firmly in cheek when they were
answering. Overall, there was a teasing, almost silly
quality to the whole event.

To refresh your memories (I know it's been a few days
since part one ran), let's review the seating on the
dais. From my point of view, from left to right, it
was Heather Graham, Giovanni Ribisi, Catherine
Zeta-Jones, Sean Connery, John Madden, Meg Ryan, Will
Smith, Jerry Bruckheimer, William H. Macy, Adam
Sandler, and Peter and Bobby Farrelly. I was front
row, right on the center aisle, where I could see and
hear everyone.

As soon as Macy and Connery finished answering, I threw
my hand up just like the other reporters. This time,
though, Jim Kozak (press director for NATO and the man
responsible for AICN being there) pointed at me, and I
suddenly found a mic jammed in my face. I realized I
was on deck. After all my eye rolling at the other
questions, I felt the pressure. I had three pages of
possibilities, questions for every member of the panel.
Would this be my one shot for the evening? If so, I
decided to make it count.

"This question is for Heather," I said, and suddenly I
was the focus of those million-watt baby blues. My
nerves relaxed and I gave her the Moriarty grin, turned
all the way up. In a calm, clear voice, I asked, "Will
you marry me?"

Or at least that's what I meant to ask. Listening to
my taped playback of the press conference, it sounded
more like I said, "In this summer's BOFINGER and AUSTIN
POWERS, you're costarring with Eddie Murphy, Steve
Martin, and Mike Myers. Do you feel pressure to be
funny in these films, or did your costars make it
easier for you?" This would explain her answer, which
seemed odd to me at the time.

"Well, those scripts are both great, and that's what
realy makes it easy." It may have been the pressure of
the week and my extreme lack of sleep, but I'm fairly
sure she then silently mouthed, "I love you," at me
until the next question was asked.

A woman jumped up and rattled off another rapid fire
question in which only key words jumped out.
"Movies... movie stars... value... entertainment...
movies... movies... world today" was all I got. She
then added, "Mr. Connery, same question."

Sean looked at a complete loss, and thankfully Jerry
Bruckheimer dove in to save him. "I think that movies
today are no different in the basic cultural role that
they serve than they ever have been. We're all here
for the same reasons as a De Mille or a Chaplin or a
D.W. Griffith. We want to be part of that communal
experience, something that's shared by the whole
world."

Connery said, "That's exactly what I was going to
say."

Will Smith turned to Bruckheimer, surprised, and added,
"That was a damn fine answer, Jerry, even if I don't
know what the hell the question was." Jim Kozak used
the time during the laugh that followed to call on a
woman in red.

"This question is for Mr. Connery and for Catherine as
well." Funny how everyone up there was called by their
first names except for "Mr. Connery." I think it was
just reflex for most of us. "Last year Hollywood was
criticized for the consistent portrayal of older actors
and much, much younger actresses being together." I
could see on his face exactly how the "much, much"
bugged Connery. I got ready to run in case he decided
to jump the dais and slap someone around. "Did you
think about this while making ENTRAPMENT?"

Catherine moved closer to Mr. Connery and hooked her
arm through his. Age difference or not, they looked
great together. "I knew this would come up," she
purred. "I'll take this one." Mr. Connery seemed more
than happy to let her hold his arm and answer. "I'm
not sure what Sean feels about this, but for me, I look
at him and..." She just shook her head. "What
question could there be?" Connery was more than
pleased by this answer. "In the first week, like on
any film, we got to know each other, and then it just
sort of washed over us... right, darling?"

Connery growled, "I don't remember it taking a week."
Catherine laughed, squeezed his arm. If they've got
this much chemistry in the film, it'll hit.

"I think there's been some great screen chemistry
throughout Hollywood history between older men and
younger women," she continued. "Hepburn and Tracy,
Bogart and Bacall, and Audrey Hepburn and Cary Grant.
Really, I think it can be quite lovely."

Sean's smile was totally genuine when he said, "So do
I." Not waiting to be called, another reporter yelled
out a follow-up question.

"Is it true you actually asked the studio to cut back
on the sex between you and Miss Jones?"

"Yes," said Sean. "It was exhausting." I don't think
anyone in the room laughed harder than Meg Ryan did.
As she tried to compose herself, the French reporter
who had confused Connery earlier jumped up and grabbed
a mic.

"Mr. Connery and everyone, allow me please if you will
to try this again." I honestly thought Peter Sellers
had the most outrageous French accent in history, but
he had nothing on this guy. "What does ShoWest mean to
you? Is it a place where you just come to get awards,
or is it also a place where you talk together? Do you
play golf together?"

Will shot a glance down the dais at Bobby and Peter
Farrelly, shaking his head, no doubt thinking back to
the flashing incident on the golf course that he
mentioned earlier. "It's always a great opportunity,"
he began, turning back to the reporter. "For instance,
Meg and I sat in a little booth together and we took
pictures and we talked. That's an opportunity we
wouldn't have in LA." For those of you interested in
those photos, check a couple of weeks back in
ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY. They used a lot of snapshots
from that photo booth in their ShoWest piece. "We
wouldn't just bump into each other at the Beverly
Center and just hop into a photo booth, you know?"

Amidst some laughter, Bobby Farrelly piped in, "I know
that Peter and I are hoping to get Meg into a booth
later, too."

Jim Kozak, noting how late things were running, spoke
up. "Okay, last question. Um... the woman in the back
with the glasses." Last question? Already? Shit, I
thought, I haven't even had a shot here. I want to ask
John Madden what it's like to be the only person alive
who's directed more STAR WARS than George Lucas. (It's
true, fellow geeks... trust me). I wanted to ask
Heather if she's as fearless in real life as she is in
her films. I wanted to ask Adam Sandler if he cares
about critics, or if $100 million grosses and the love
of 14-year-olds everywhere is enough. Last question?!?
But I'm just getting warmed up.

And what gem was asked instead? What nugget of wit was
used to waste our last opportunity? "Hi, I'm from the
local NBC affiliate, so let me ask this of Adam and
Will and Peter and Bobby and anyone else who thinks
they're funny. Is there anything funny about Las
Vegas?" Way to go, lady. That shouldn't make anyone
feel like a trained seal. Just tell them to be funny
and pray for your sound bite, right?

Will Smith shot back with, "The stuff you get asked at
press conferences."

Bobby Farrelly added, "I'm an expert on this, so I feel
safe in saying there's nothing funny about Las Vegas."

Adam was quick to note, "I hear they have gambling
here. I was thinking I might check that out."

With that, Jim Kozak stepped up. "Okay, everyone,
thank you all for coming. We need to get everyone into
the other room now." All the other reporters seemed to
accept this and started packing up. I decided I was
going to get something else -- anything else.

I scanned the faces on the dais, trying to figure out
who I had the best shot at. They were standing, moving
toward the exit now. Knowing that the Farrellys had
read AICN when we covered THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY
while it was testing, I targeted them and took my
chance. I jumped the ropes that separated us from the
stars and moved quickly toward the Farrellys. "Peter,
Bobby... I'm from Ain't It Cool News. Do you have a
minute?"

From behind me, I could hear someone yelling, "Sir?
Sir? Sir? Sir?" Ahead of me, I could see someone else
trying to herd Bobby and Peter out the door. I ignored
everyone around me and kept moving.

"Guys... Ain't It Cool... you got a minute?" God bless
Bobby Farrelly. He heard me call out that second time
and turned back, stopping Peter to the visible
annoyance of the red-coated press rep that was
escorting them. They smiled, waved her off, then moved
close enough that we could talk. "Hey, Peter. Hey,
Bobby. Thanks. After THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY, is
there any further you can push the envelope?"

Bobby, who seems to be the more gregarious of the
brothers, spoke first. "You know, I'm looking for a
quick snappy answer here, but we don't really try to
push the envelope. We're not thinking, 'Oh, we've got
to outdo ourselves next time.' We're just happy...
y'know, we just go movie to movie."

"Well," I said, "that brings up OUTSIDE PROVIDENCE,
which looks much more personal than the films you've
been involved in before."

"Yeah, it's a different style entirely of movie, and,
y'know, it's, it's, uh, it's not the brand of humor
we've established with the first three movies," Bobby
answered.

"Do you want to bridge to more serious work?" By this
point, I noticed some other reporters crowding in
behind me. A few mics had crept around to pick up the
exchange.

"No," said Peter and Bobby together, with Bobby
continuing. "It's a blip on the radar. We like doing
comedies. In this case, it was something we felt like
trying, and we like Michael Corrente, who directed it.
He sorta said, 'Hey, do you wanna do this thing?' And
it was the right time, so we did it. But it's not
like, y'know, we don't have a, like a, a, we don't...
we don't have a 10-year plan. Like it seems like some
of these guys, they work their way into certain...
we're just following our hearts."

Peter smiled. "We're absolutely without direction."

"Were you surprised Cameron Diaz didn't pick up an
Oscar nomination after all her great buzz and the New
York Critics Award?"

"I don't know," said Bobby. "Comedy and the Oscars,
it's like... I mean, Cameron was great..."

"... and Lyn," added Peter, referring to Lyn Shaye,
whose work in both KINGPIN and MARY has scarred me
deeply.

"Right. You know who surprised me, though, was Ben. I
mean, nobody talked about Ben. He made it look easy,
but, man. I mean, he did a great job in that movie. I
think that, like, when you have... I mean, I love John
Travolta. I think he's a great actor, but when the
Golden Globes nominated him as Best Comedic Actor...
not to put him down or nothing, but come on. It's Ben.
The laughs that Ben's given the world versus... John's
a great actor, but it's just..." At this, Bobby's
tangle of words and ideas grew so dense that he
collapsed under its weight. Peter had to help him up
and dust him off before I could continue.

By this point, pretty much all the reporters still in
the room were jammed in behind and around me. Even so,
Peter and Bobby were talking to me as if no one else
were there, the two of them focused as I asked, "Since
MARY is, at heart, a comedy about stalking, did you
expect there would be more trouble with it than there
was?"

This time, Peter was first to answer. "We never know
what to expect, but we're stalkers ourselves." He got
a good laugh out of Bobby with this. "That's why we
find so much humor in it. We get in a lot of funny
positions and circumstances that we can make movies out
of."

Bobby didn't miss a beat. "You never think you're a
stalker. It's funny. You look back at stuff you did,
and it's, like, because of political correctness having
changed so much, things are... I remember back in the
late '70s, early '80s, when I was in college, there was
a girl I liked. At the time, you just think, well, you
know, it's nothing, but you look back now... I remember
this girl I liked, I'd break into her apartment and put
on her panties and walk around. I'm not thinking much
of it while I'm doing it, right?" By now, Peter was
pretty much helpless from laughter, leading me to
suspect Bobby was only partly kidding. "I'd put a big
peacock feather up my ass, lay on her bed, ejaculate on
her pillow, and run out the window. Now you look back,
and by today's standards, you know, I'd be put in jail.
It's an evolution, really, and you never know how
people are going to perceive things."

"Well," I said, "I'm sure we all feel safer knowing you
channel it into your art now." With that, we shook
hands and the press reps finally managed to steer the
brothers away, ending the press conference completely.

This means we're finally down to just the Awards
Ceremony and the Miramax luncheon. Thanks to my newly
perfected cloning technique, I finally have the time to
finish all these articles this week. Expect the other
ShoWest pieces tomorrow and a HUGE interview with Brad
Bird, the gifted director of IRON GIANT, later in the
week. Until then...

"Moriarty" out.