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Dog Soldier Reports On Hayden Christensen And Jessica Alba In AWAKE!

Hey, everyone. ”Moriarty” here. I wonder if I’m not supposed to notice that this is the basic premise of an episode of ALFRED HITCHCOCK PRESENTS... both the old version and the ‘80s version. ‘Cause it is. Still sounds interesting, though. Something like this comes down to performance, and I’m curious to see how Christensen does when he has to carry a film.

Spoiler Review of Awake Hey there AICN. I live in London and recently my friends managed to got hold of what they said was free tickets to a movie named 'Awake'. I was told the movie had Jessica Alba and Hayden Christensen. I was definitely looking forward to the movie for only one thing: the eye candy that is Jessica Alba. The movie is about a young man who is subjected to an operation but is yet left alert of the activity and pain, yet he is unable to respond or move his body because he is paralysed. Sounds interesting right? Indeed. So there i was sitting at the Odeon in Kingston and the movie began. The movie follows a young man named Clayton (Christensen) who is madly in love with his mothers assistant (Alba). Against his mothers wishes he decides to marry the girl and perform his operation at a regular clinic, where his mother advised him not to and seek professional help for his heart condition. His heart condition is fatal, meaning that without a transplant of the organ, he will die. The movie begins setting up the characters, Terrence Howard plays Claytons good friend and personal doctor who will be responsible for his operation. The acting here is mediocre yet the only person that steals the show is Christensen, and the actress who plays his mother. And then the thriller begins, he is on the table, and he is hearing everything. And we the audience are subjected to Claytons thoughts as he feels what is happening to his body. 'Am i dead?' 'How can i hear things?' 'Is this meant to be happening to me?' are just few of the thoughts running through his head until he is cut opening, then for five minutes we hear a Clayton yell; 'FUCK FUCK FUCK!!! OH MY FUCK FUUCCCCCCCCCCK FUCK WHAT THE FUCK FUCK!!!!' repeatedly, which adds the tension needed and you the audience are thinking the same thing. So whats the big twist in the movie? There going to kill him, his best friend doctor (Howard) and his team. There going to kill him and the mastermind behind the operation is Jessica Alba, his girlfriend. It is then Clayton leaves his body is some sort of spirit form wandering the hospital swearing and cursing, running around, retracing his memories and picking up all the clues and figuring how they all add up. Overall the movie is Hayden Christensen's movie, hes funny, charming and we will definitely see more of him in the future. The only bad things in this movie are Jessica Alba, who just can't act evil, im sorry but she can act as the cute loveable girlfriend but the moment we find out shes an evil two timing bitch, she cannot bring that evil bitch forward through acting. Other minor things effect the movie as well such as wierd lighiting, in the same scenes the colour tone of the movie changes from different angles. Maybe this is just because it was a test screening, the voice over sounded a bit dodgy aswell but then again it it could be because of the stage of development. Some points of the movie do feel cheesy and sometimes the narrative feels very weak, but then very strong once again. So it is indeed flawed. I give this movie a thumbs up. I enjoyed it with my friends and it was a good ride. What impressed me was Hayden Christensen and even the director Joby Harold who made a good debut. I will not watch it again but i do reccomend it. 3.5/5 Call me Dog Soldier.
Readers Talkback
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  • July 24, 2007, 3:13 a.m. CST


    by OneintenMan


  • July 24, 2007, 3:23 a.m. CST


    by Derek Wildstarr

    jessica alba couldnt be hotter but her cinematic track record makes eva mendez look like meryl streep.

  • July 24, 2007, 3:52 a.m. CST

    Plant my ass

    by RuneIV

    If I were a plant I'd rate my movie 5/5

  • July 24, 2007, 4:01 a.m. CST

    Sounds Ok

    by Papa Lazaru

    However is the story worthy of 90 plus mins , instead of a Hitchcock half hour ? Either way I'm interested in seeing Christensen in this. He was god awful in the prequels but if anybody has seen "Shattered Glass" then you know the boy can act. Given the right material. As for Alba though , all hope is lost, she couldnt act on the actingest day of the year even if she had an electrified acting machine. No doubt she will do her "prestige piece" sooner or later . You know what I'm talking about . The one legged herion addicted lesbian jew with a severe eye infection and oscar will come a callin' , or so she will hope. Its only a matter of time .

  • July 24, 2007, 4:09 a.m. CST

    "The only bad things in this movie are Jessica Alba"

    by The Dum Guy

    That is like saying the only bad thing about breathing is oxygen.<br><br>It sounds too much like the Stephen King story that was in Everything's Eventual, and its TV counterpart.

  • July 24, 2007, 4:16 a.m. CST

    Xiphos seems to be using the same definition...

    by raw_bean

    ...of what signals a plant as Damon Knight used for sci-fi: "(a plant) is whatever I point to and say 'that's (a plant)'". Sorry but that one didn't look very leafy to me.

  • July 24, 2007, 4:17 a.m. CST

    The Dum Guy

    by raw_bean

    In Everything's Eventual itself, King points out that he ripped off the story already anyway, he wanted to put his own spin on it.

  • July 24, 2007, 4:20 a.m. CST

    Spolier alert !!!??

    by barnaby jones

    It would have been nice.

  • July 24, 2007, 4:28 a.m. CST

    Poor old Hayden Christensen

    by Franklin T Marmoset

    I liked him in Shattered Glass and Life As A House, but then he goes and hooks up with George Lucas and ends up looking like a proper twat. Never mind.<p>Hopefully, he can put all that Star Wars nonsense behind him. He's actually a pretty decent actor, I think.

  • July 24, 2007, 4:33 a.m. CST


    by The Dum Guy

    Yeah, I read that too, but come on, that TV thing was on last year or so, can't they get a better idea for something that only needs around 45-minutes most, instead of an hour and a half?<br><br>Ok, Hollywood has no soul and no creative talent running it, but when I hear negatively about Jessica Alba, I'll always react...<br><br>Even though I don't watch most of her stuff, in fact I can't say I've liked anything she's been in (other than Sin City) other than the fact she is in it and I can look at her.... That is why I've never seen Into the Blue (I think that's the name), but I have seen plenty of clips from it, mainly with Alba in a bikini.

  • July 24, 2007, 4:45 a.m. CST


    by Ray Gamma

    you can tell this is a plant by the use of the phrase "I live in London and recently my friends managed to got hold of what they said was free tickets to a movie named 'Awake'."</P> <P> who would write "managed to get hold of what they said was free tickets to..." ??? </P> <P> it's such bad use of phrasing and reeks of a junior PR robot who has been paid to write about something they didn't really do.

  • July 24, 2007, 5:22 a.m. CST

    Nice one, Shite...

    by Laza-rus

    "...makes Eva Mendez look like Meryl Streep." Priceless. Being an anesthesia provider, I've heard about this movie for quite a while now, sometimes being heralded as "doing for anesthesia what Jaws did for the ocean." Awareness can and does happen during surgery due to a combination of factors but usually because of provider negligence. It's nice to know that the movie is taking the "Hollywood approach" which will hopefully minimize the practical fear over awareness during anesthesia by focusing on the malicious intent of Jessica Alba. I agree with Plant accusation as Hayden Christensen being called anything but brutal in a movie is just lies.

  • July 24, 2007, 5:22 a.m. CST


    by Lost Prophet

    seriously- and kingston is not in london. At least I don't think it is.

  • July 24, 2007, 5:39 a.m. CST

    The Royal Borough Of Kingston Upon Thames

    by Franklin T Marmoset

    Also known as Kingston, a part of the Greater London area.<p>P.S. I would like to apply for a position as a plant reviewer. It would be fun, I think, to make up lies about films. Anyone know how I can do this?

  • July 24, 2007, 5:58 a.m. CST

    Isn't it near Guildford, Surrey?

    by Lost Prophet

    Being a metropolitan snob I don't consider it to be part of London. <p>I, too, would like to offer myself as position of PLANT writer. I waste wroking days on here anyway, can write a little and have no problems whatsoever lying about any film. Or I could be an Anti-plant sent out to rubbish otherwise well received films. i come cheap.<p>

  • July 24, 2007, 6:30 a.m. CST


    by Yeti

    Not exactly a ringing endorsement.

  • July 24, 2007, 6:38 a.m. CST

    plant? uh....

    by BizarroJerry

    A planet review is supposed to be a positive one. There's too much negative in this one.

  • July 24, 2007, 6:51 a.m. CST

    All you dirty Londoners are the same, Lost Prophet

    by Franklin T Marmoset

    You might as well give it up and embrace your filthy Greater London Area bretheren!<p>No, only joking (insert appropriate emoticon here). London is great, apart from that black stuff that gets in your nose when you use the underground.

  • July 24, 2007, 7:06 a.m. CST

    But does he escape the fascists and learn samurai arts?

    by Spandau Belly

    Otherwise this really isn't a film. And his best friend needs to turn out to be imaginery and some big corporation is to blame for everything and it's all a dream....but NOT!

  • July 24, 2007, 8:01 a.m. CST

    The perfect storm of bad acting

    by Garbageman33

    Wow, Hayden Christensen and Jessica Alba in the same movie?! I'm afraid acting this horrendous might rip a hole in the space time continuum.

  • July 24, 2007, 8:07 a.m. CST

    Dum Guy: Jessica Alba?

    by raw_bean

    There are many better looking actresses, and many of *them* can actually act.

  • July 24, 2007, 8:08 a.m. CST

    Hayden & James

    by JohnnyOClock

    I think if Christensen and Di Franco ever met they'd wince themselves into a small, but perfectly formed pile of wrinkles.

  • July 24, 2007, 8:10 a.m. CST

    As for that phrase, Ray Gamma...

    by raw_bean

    ..."managed to get hold of what they said was free tickets to", that's actually far more coherent than 95% of the linguistic garbage in reviews submitted to this site. In fact I'd have gone along with you more if you'd argued that that was too *well* phrased to be anything other than a plant. I mean, correct the 'was' to 'were' and it's something I could see myself saying.

  • July 24, 2007, 8:11 a.m. CST

    One of the worst anime flicks I've ever seen

    by godoffireinhell

    DOG SOLDIER, that is. Not nearly as bad as, say, RIKI-OH 2: CHILD OF DESTRUCTION or ANAL SANCTUARY but still really, really fucking awful.

  • July 24, 2007, 8:12 a.m. CST

    Leave Hayden alone

    by Franklin T Marmoset

    The poor sap got handed Lucas's slipshod, hand-scrawled, first draft script and then was left to fend for himself on a stage made entirely of green curtains while various men in green spandex bodysuits wandered around and pretended to be animated aliens. You can't blame the guy for doing poor work in those circumstances.<p>The Star Wars prequels made bad actors out of everyone.

  • July 24, 2007, 8:12 a.m. CST

    US Release Date???

    by Gemma_Mac

    I've been waiting for this movie to be released. There are release dates for the UK and Germany but no US release date has been announced yet. It sounds like a very interesting movie.

  • July 24, 2007, 8:15 a.m. CST

    How many actors regret doing the prequels?

    by colivo

    As much as the Prequels sucked, I kinda feel bad for actors like Hayden Christensen now, cause they will always be stuck with the Star Wars name for whatever they do the rest of their career, the same way Ford, Fisher, and Hammill were in the early 80's. The difference is the Classic Trilogy was so loved, the actors wanted to get away from that image cause people loved them TOO much! Whenever I hear Hayden Christenen, I think of Attack of the Clones and him talking to Padme by the fireplace in that god awful scene that is utterly laughable today. Overall, I think Ewan McGregor was the only actor to come out of the Prequels with some dignity.

  • July 24, 2007, 8:25 a.m. CST

    Natalie Portman redeemed herself nicely

    by Garbageman33

    All it took was putting on a pink wig and playing a stripper who doesn't strip.

  • July 24, 2007, 8:30 a.m. CST

    And before you say anything bad about James Franco

    by Garbageman33

    Go back and watch Freaks and Geeks. It seems that because he's a good looking guy, he's been typecast in the dreamboat role. But he should be playing against type in comedies. For proof, look no further than the deleted scene where he gets fired from Knocked Up.

  • July 24, 2007, 9 a.m. CST

    The prequels were a nasty brush to be tarred with

    by Franklin T Marmoset

    Luckily, a lot of the actors had decent reputations already (Neeson, McGregor, Portman, L Jackson), so they've escaped with their skins intact. But the newcomers (especially the two Anakins) got royally screwed. I think Jake Lloyd works in a shop or something now, so Christensen's doing relatively well, on account of he still has an acting career.<p>He's going to have to produce some pretty fucking stellar performances to erase the memory of that fireside seduction scene, though. Poo!

  • July 24, 2007, 9:09 a.m. CST

    You're so funny, YackBacker, make me laugh again

    by greyspecter

    Seriously, though, I'm all for Hayden acting his little heart out as long as it involves a scene that smacks of Temple of Doom. After FF2 I'm done with Story and probably Alba too; don't think even the prospect of her nancing about in skivvies could make me watch Good Luck Chuck. Though I wouldn't mind being Dane Cook, he's been funny for about 5 minutes of his entire life and now he's a movie star getting straddled and seduced by Alba. See, America! Any talentless hack can be a successful movie star!

  • July 24, 2007, 9:33 a.m. CST

    "His heart condition is fatal...

    by Chippy Fon Toast

    meaning that without a transplant of the organ, he will die." Thanks for the explanation, douchebagh.

  • July 24, 2007, 9:53 a.m. CST

    Ewan McGregor's reputation is in tact

    by Spandau Belly

    as that guy who hasn't given a good performance or been in a good movie since Trainspotting.<br><br>Actually Velvet Goldmine was alright in a tv movie kinda way, but Ewan's dodgy Yank accent and terrible Jim Morrison impression was more painful than any of his tone-deaf Scottish abridged cover wailing in Moulin Rouge.

  • July 24, 2007, 9:58 a.m. CST

    Didn't Hayden Christensen Complain that George Lucas


    Used the worst takes and took the worst performances? That might sound like a cop-out, until you see how Christensen acts in other movies. Then it's kind of like: hmmm, Lucas is just attracted to performances that suck. That's, like, his fetish or something. That, and Natalie Portman trussed up in vinyl and leather for a casual chat by the fire. Or maybe that's my fetish I'm thinking of.

  • July 24, 2007, 10:07 a.m. CST

    Shattered Glass=

    by PVIII

    awesome movie.

  • July 24, 2007, 10:14 a.m. CST

    Jessica Alba is a celebrity

    by messi

    not an actress. Just fucking go to b movies you fucking semi racist cunt.

  • July 24, 2007, 10:16 a.m. CST

    colivo not really

    by messi

    I mean I'm surprised Hayden has gotten so many high profile roles as he has, compared to say Mark Hamill or the new generations Mark Hamill - Brandon Routh. Then again Hamill owned and will always own, regardless who did that role, fate had it that the actor who played Luke Skywalker would forever be that character. Routh is just a bum who says about 5 lines. Where am I getting. Ohh that Hayden has gotten decent roles and isn't desperate for work.

  • July 24, 2007, 10:21 a.m. CST

    I don't want to Embrace them

    by Lost Prophet

    they can all fuck off. If you don't have a london postcode (as in if you have HA or GU or some shit like that) then you don't live in London. I also am not sure about the metropolitan status of Places like Edgeware either. <p>hayden Woodensssennnn is a talentless bag of shite that should be thanking his lucky stars that George Lucas cast him in the prequels or he'd be serving fast food for minimum wage. The tool.

  • July 24, 2007, 10:47 a.m. CST

    Ewan McGregor hasn't been in a good movie since...

    by Garbageman33

    Trainspotting? Oh, so you didn't like Blackhawk Down? Great movie and he was really good in it. Come to think of it, so was Josh Hartnett. Heck, even Orlando Bloom was good. So perhaps that's not the best example of his acting chops. But he was also good in Young Adam and Down with Love. Not to mention Velvet Goldmine.

  • July 24, 2007, 10:49 a.m. CST

    Down with Love?

    by Lost Prophet

    yuck, awful trite garbage. <p>I've just seen him cast in I, Lucifer which is one of my favourite books and I cannot express how wrong he is for Satan.

  • July 24, 2007, 10:52 a.m. CST

    Hayden's still a better actor that Jake Lloyd

    by Puddleglum

    I mean, I fee bad for the "kid" (isn't he like 16 now?), because he probably is working at Barnes & Noble as a book reshelver-guy person dude. But, He got TAINTED with shittiness after Episode I. But anyone who suffered through Jingle All the FUCKIN Way knew that kid just whines his way through his roles. God I hate that movie. <p> So, comparably, Hayden's not that bad. But, then this might be like comparing Alba's acting to Eve Mendes'...heh.

  • July 24, 2007, 10:54 a.m. CST

    Oh, and Alba...

    by Puddleglum

    who really cares how good her ACTING is as long as her bod looks stellar. Anyone going to see her ACT needs a shot of testosterone!

  • July 24, 2007, 11:01 a.m. CST

    i couldn't understand

    by El Borak

    a single fucking thing in that.

  • July 24, 2007, 11:02 a.m. CST

    You're too harsh, Spandau Belly

    by Franklin T Marmoset

    Little Voice, Black Hawk Down, Big Fish, Velvet Goldmine, Brassed Off - I thought he was pretty good in all of those. He can be shit at times, though. Nightwatch, that was fucking awful.

  • July 24, 2007, 11:17 a.m. CST

    Down with Love and a personal note to Franklin

    by Bloo

    I actually enjoyed Down with Love in a weird sort of way. It's such a fun throwback to Screwball comedies.<P>Now Franklin, Nightwach is fun in that it's 3am I'm drunk and I want to watch somethin cheesy kind of way. You've got ewan hamming it up as a broke college student and Nick Nolte (in what I think may be a role he filmed entirly drunk) just being a drunk Nick Nolte. Yeah it's crap but it's fun crap

  • July 24, 2007, 11:24 a.m. CST

    Down With Love sucked. Pillow Talk was better

    by finky089

    and it was made like 40 years earlier...which probably explains alot, come to think of it. <p> That, and who can stand that much Zellweger? I mean, jusr seeing her on the screen sends me into SQUINTING fits and gives me a splitting headache.

  • July 24, 2007, 11:38 a.m. CST

    OK, I may have pushed it with Down by Love

    by Garbageman33

    But the point remains, Ewan McGregor should never be placed in the same category as Hayden Christenson. When it comes to acting ability (and I use the term loosely) Hayden should be compared to thespians like James Van Der Beek and Paul Walker.

  • July 24, 2007, 11:46 a.m. CST

    Sorry, Down WITH Love

    by Garbageman33

    Down by Love is a cross between Down with Love and Down by Law. Actually, that sounds like a good movie.

  • July 24, 2007, 11:53 a.m. CST


    by DamnYouMB

    This reviewer made me throw up on the keyboard his goddamn grammar was so bad!!

  • July 24, 2007, 11:54 a.m. CST

    Okay, I'll give you Black Hawk Down

    by Spandau Belly

    I actually forgot that Ewan was the "guy who made coffee" in that very good film, but again, that dodgy Yank accent was terrible! He just can't do accents and even Josh Hartnett came off okay in BHD, so I think that film might have had some magic power to disguise bad acting through good cinematography and gunfire.<br><br>Like I said, Velvet Goldmine was an okay film overall, but I thought Ewan was terrible in it. I guess Brassed Off was cute enough, but I think Ewan was trying to be English in that and did some more bad accent work. I have not seen The Island or Down With Love, though I, myself, am in fact, down with love.

  • July 24, 2007, 11:58 a.m. CST

    Spoiler Alert You twat!!

    by Brody77

    Can we change the main page boxes to "we're gonna give away the ENTIRE FILM so you don't have to watch"?

  • July 24, 2007, 12:12 p.m. CST

    Ya mean they're actually...

    by Kid Z

    ... letting Hayden Christiansen act (err... or whatever it is you call what he does in movies) again?!!?

  • July 24, 2007, 12:45 p.m. CST

    They're just saving you from yourself, Brody

    by Garbageman33

    If you're ready to plop down $12.00 to see a pale Hitchcock impersonation starring noted thespians Hayden Christensen and Jessica Alba, well, I'm afraid someone has to step in. Consider it a well-timed intervention.

  • July 24, 2007, 2:40 p.m. CST

    Moriarty--tsk tsk

    by Birdys Piano Teacher

    If you'd seen Shattered Glass like you were supposed to, you'd know that Christensen has *already* carried a film. And a great one at that.

  • July 24, 2007, 2:50 p.m. CST

    Shattered Glass was good

    by Magic Rat

    but Hayden Christenson is still a shit actor. And he was only good in Shattered Glass because he was playing a really bad liar - which is the same as playing a really bad actor, which he is.

  • July 24, 2007, 2:55 p.m. CST

    Shattered Glass succeeded in spite of him

    by Garbageman33

    Not because of him. Face it, the kid is a charisma vacuum. And the whole movie kinda depended on the fact that people were drawn to him and couldn't believe that he was a liar. So that never really worked for me. Throw Ryan Gosling in there and you got a homerun.

  • July 24, 2007, 2:59 p.m. CST

    Don't worry Hayden.....

    by Smerdyakov

    Marc Hammil survived Star Wars and now he's....uh...never mind.

  • July 24, 2007, 3:06 p.m. CST

    Wow. Watch as I become even more disinterested in this

    by SpyGuy

    Wait for it...Wait for it... <p>Yep, completely disinterested in this film now. about that news about Abrams casting Sylar as Spock in his TREK flick?</p>

  • July 24, 2007, 3:12 p.m. CST

    re: raw_bean

    by Ray Gamma

    i think you missed the point of my post; i was not criticizing the grammar of the sentence - i was criticizing the SEMANTICS of the sentence. if you think about the phrase "I live in London and recently my friends managed to got hold of what they said was free tickets to a movie named 'Awake'." within the context of this "review", and imagine yourself having written it, it becomes clear that if you had actually seen the movie under these supoosed circumstances, you would not type the words "recently my friends managed to got hold of what they said was free tickets to a movie named 'Awake'." - </P> <P> even when the grammar is corrected, the fact remains that it seems odd to go to a movie with friends who 'apparently tell you that they have free tickets for it allegedly'. do you see what i'm getting at? the badly-written text actually reveals it to be a fictitious account.

  • July 24, 2007, 3:16 p.m. CST


    by Ray Gamma

    a very similar plant review appeared before another recent Alba movie, on here, a few months ago. I can't remember what it was, but the whole review was positive until the final paragraph went into how she couldn't act but had great tits or something. </P> <P> it's almost as though she has signed a contract allowing the studios to publish rave plant reviews of all her movies on the condition that a 'plausibility paragraph' is added which mentions her shit acting but superb tits.

  • July 24, 2007, 3:26 p.m. CST

    The movie sounds dire, but what a hilarious talkback!

    by where_are_quints_hobbit_set_reports

    Seriously, this talkback really brightened my day.

  • July 24, 2007, 3:27 p.m. CST


    by McClane_Corleone

    "I'm curious to see how hayden does when he has to carry a film." <p> Not well.

  • July 24, 2007, 3:27 p.m. CST


    by McClane_Corleone

    "I'm curious to see how hayden does when he has to carry a film." <p> Not well.

  • July 24, 2007, 3:27 p.m. CST


    by McClane_Corleone

    "I'm curious to see how hayden does when he has to carry a film." <p> Not well.

  • July 24, 2007, 3:33 p.m. CST

    Even e-mail clients have spell check these days...

    by Heckles

    Damn. 'Awake' must be the mouth-breather movie of the year.

  • July 24, 2007, 3:36 p.m. CST


    by McClane_Corleone

    Wow a triple post. Sorry, folks.

  • July 24, 2007, 3:45 p.m. CST

    Upcoming KOREAN film, SAME kinda . . .

    by WX1

    <p>. . . story. Scheduled for early August (hey, that’s in a few weeks, yikes!) release</p> <p>South Korean director Gyu man Lee. Yeah, never heard of him either in Korean film circles.. The film is called “Return.” I’ve seen described on various ‘sites about (and, you’ll agree, this sounds WAY more hardcore than this “Awake” – by the way, one-word titles makes a movie ‘bout being alert in major surgery?) and some sources indicate a grown-up alive in surgery, but, one source I read seems more chilling, even MORE hardcore; that is the one who has the surgery, survives it, kills or harms a friend (or friends), gets behavioral health assistance, seemingly has the suppressed pain even MORE suppressed, then, as a grown-up goes on a killing sprees . . . with the obligatory back/let’s reveal story that ‘splains the whole thing.</P> <p>The only thespian name I’m familiar with among the cast is one Rwe ha Kim from the “Angel Heart”-like “H.”</p> <p>Me likes. And that's just about the timing of both films a'comin' at the same time. Arasoo?</P>

  • July 24, 2007, 3:47 p.m. CST

    Mean to say that . . .

    by WX1

    "that is, the one who has the surgery, survives it . . . is a child who kills or harms a . . . you get the rest.

  • July 24, 2007, 4:05 p.m. CST

    Worst Actress Standing

    by Garbageman33

    They should have a reality show where Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, Kirsten Dunst and a bunch of other "actresses" all share a house. Each day, they'd be presented with a new challenge. Like emoting. Or changing facial expression. They'd then be judged by a panel of bad actresses from year's past. Like Goldie Hawn. Perhaps Sean Young. And then, each week the loser would get kicked out of the house and sent to the Valley where they'd shoot their first porn flick. After all, that's the one place where their "acting" would fit right in.

  • July 24, 2007, 4:06 p.m. CST

    Whoa - this is like getting two hot blocks of wood

    by superninja

    together and filming them. Danger! Danger!

  • July 24, 2007, 4:11 p.m. CST

    Hayden's a good actor.

    by CherryValance

    Ewan's a good actor. Jessica Alba is okay so far. So can we all just give these people a break? No one was ever going to be happy with the actor who got to play Vader because they didn't. Alba hasn't even had a chance to get enough acting experience but she hasn't been bad that I've noticed. And Ewan has done a lot of good work that maybe people haven't seen. But he was playing an Iggy Pop type in Velvet Goldmine, not Morrison, and I thought it was his best work (especially this>>> If not then it's Young Adam, which everyone should catch if they haven't already.

  • July 24, 2007, 6 p.m. CST

    the actingest day of the year, etc

    by Thunderbolt Ross

    kudos, LOL

  • July 24, 2007, 6:01 p.m. CST

    jamador79/heart condition

    by Thunderbolt Ross

    this also made me laugh, thanks

  • July 24, 2007, 6:06 p.m. CST

    I totally dig Ewan. But Alba really is only good

    by superninja

    as the object of affection and little else. Yeah, everyone says Christensen can act but apparently he's only been good in one film (My Life as a House).

  • July 24, 2007, 6:10 p.m. CST

    Down with love was great except for Zellwegger.

    by superninja

    It was on t.v. the other day and I watched it again. She's just not a Doris Day and she always looks uncomfortable in parts where she's not playing a crazy person.

  • July 24, 2007, 7:19 p.m. CST

    way to spoiler the entire movie

    by CQuest

    anyone here who WOULD have seen it wont now. good job you fuckin idiots. lets just reveal the BIG TWIST with no mention of spoilers whatsoever. got damn monkeys run this site.

  • July 24, 2007, 7:20 p.m. CST

    and fuck that tiny spoiler shit on the side

    by CQuest

    on the main page. seriously what the fuck is that? who pays attention to that millimeter of space? when i fucking click open a link, i expect to see SPOILER in big fuckin words and asterisks before i start reading. is that so fuckin hard moriaty? SHIT!

  • July 24, 2007, 7:28 p.m. CST

    Dog Soldiers!...not...just authors screen name

    by Sappers Forward

    Damn, I thought for just a quick split second that this was going to be the sequel to Dog Soldiers. That insanely good military flick with werewolves...but it's just this crap...never mind.

  • July 24, 2007, 8:08 p.m. CST

    I'm with ZombieSolutions, Alba movies = eye candy

    by The Dum Guy

    Even though I haven't bothered seeing most of her films, I also go with DevilCat's suggestion, but I've wanted to bang Alba since she was on Flipper, and no I'm not a pedophile b/c Alba is older than me.

  • July 24, 2007, 8:34 p.m. CST

    OH MY FUCK!!!!!!

    by ghostwatcher

    Even though this review was written by someone who could only be described as severely retarded, I'm relatively sure that, from this moment on, when I get mad I'm going to yell OH MY FUCK FUUCCCCCCCCCCK FUCK WHAT THE FUCK FUCK!!!! In all caps, of course. If he actually does scream that for five minutes straight, that alone may make this movie worth seeing.

  • July 24, 2007, 10:14 p.m. CST

    Hayden for KIRK!!!!

    by jewican

    so I read on that they cast Spock - it's that one guy from heros... or 24 or something... anywho - I was kinda thinking how cool would it be if Hayden played Capt Kirk... Think about it - he could live long and prosper with the force!

  • July 24, 2007, 11:18 p.m. CST


    by Thick McRunFast

    I've had bowel movements that emote more than Hayden Christiansen.

  • July 25, 2007, 6:12 a.m. CST

    CherryValance I disagree with ya

    by colivo

    I always disagree with the notion that nobody was ever going to like whoever played Darth Vader, as the main argument is that we envisioned for years who Darth Vader should be. For years and years, people envisioned who should play Superman, and Christopher Reeve was PERFECT!!! For years and years, we envisioned who should play Batman, Michael Keaton, Val Kilmer, and George Clooney, NOPE! Christian Bale, thats the perfect Bruce Wayne/Batman! Darth Vader was the same way, and in some ways I blame Lucas for making him a whiny prick in AOTC, instead of a cool-over confident Jedi, who's arrogance of his abilties were his downfall, not because Palpatine fucking made up some dumb trick of saving people from dying because of a dream!

  • July 25, 2007, 7:14 a.m. CST

    Wasn't there a Ryan Philipe movie with this plot?

    by Drath

    Or something about a guy in a hospital with an evil girlfriend and conspiring doctors and shit? Oh wait, that had time travel I think, so it must have been different. Okay, fine, yeah, maybe on DVD or Encore I will catch this. Sorry Hayden, I'm sure some day you'll once more be in something I want to see in a theater.

  • July 25, 2007, 10:37 a.m. CST


    by Brody77

    You've actually got a point there dude! Intervention received & understood!! ;-) Unless Alba's in a bikini again. Is she? No? Dammit.

  • July 25, 2007, 11:54 a.m. CST

    Garbageman33, you should produce that show

    by Spandau Belly

    I actually have no idea why Kirsten Dunst is a working actress. At least Jessica Alba is stunningly good looking and Jessica Biel isn't my type, but she's alright looking and fine at acting in generic action movies that require an Eric Roberts approach to the acting craft. But Kirsten Dunst??? She's fugly, she's not even a butterface. And she can't act.<br><br>Scarjo just stares blankly off into space, but luckily there are a lot of female characters written who do just that and so her lack of range isn't as apparent as the other crop of overrated young actresses.<br><br>And I agree that Lindsay Lohan can actually act, but she's also kinda ugly and a total liability. She's got that Robert Downey stamp on her where you can't cast her in too big a role in case she goes to jail or rehab halfway through production.

  • July 25, 2007, 1:02 p.m. CST

    Props to Hayden

    by 5thBusiness

    OK, I've been waiting to tell this story for a while now. My friend is a location scout in NYC and worked on "Awake" last year. One night they were shooting on the street in Manhattan. A small group of lookey-loos gathered and soon a few of the younger guys started to heckle Hayden Christiansen. He ignored them at first, but when one of them said something to the effect of "How does it feel to ruin Star Wars?" he fucking snapped and went after the dudes! He caught one and started to kick the shit out of him and location security actually had to pull him off. I'm one of those who, having seen "Shattered Glass", realize that the guy can actually act, he just needs a director who can direct actors (not just visual effects). Anyhow, my friend was absolutely blown away by it, and we both have much more respect than we ever would have imagined for Annakin.

  • July 25, 2007, 1:36 p.m. CST

    Hey Hey Momma, said the way you moooove...

    by DeadPanWalking

    I didn't realize Hayden Christianson's agent kept up with AICN.