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Vern vs. TRANSFORMERS - One shall stand and one shall fall...

Three words for you about TRANSFORMERS: Ho. Lee. Shit. Not as in "Holy shit, I was blown away, it was a blast as well as AWESOME!" but as in "Holy shit, society really is on the brink of collapse." Usually if a movie is already playing in theaters I don't send my review here, I just use it at my geocities.com/outlawvern sight, but jesus, SOMEBODY had to say something. I can't believe how many positive reviews I have read of this. I think Harry's was the only negative I saw, but he was polite about it. I read Moriarty's review before the screening and I thought wow, what if I actually like this movie? Like me, Moriarty hates Michael Bay's movies from head to toe, style and content, and me and him agree on all kinds of stuff. I don't remember too many cases where I thought he was being too easy on a movie, at least not a big one like this (only one that comes to mind is the much smaller DAREDEVIL). I never thought I would like this movie until I read his review. He had me about 80% convinced that it would surprise me and win me over, like LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD did. And I might have to seek counseling after enjoying those two movies in a row, but that's life. I've mentioned a few times before that I have a buddy who loves Michael Bay. But before you rush to judgment, let me say that he's not some stereotype that just loves to see things explode and hear black guys joke about being "negroes" while a camera rotates around them. This is a smart guy with varied tastes. He gives me tips on older action movies I haven't seen, but his favorite movie so far this year is some documentary I never heard of. He watches more movies than I do, and is much more fickle than I am. I could not possibly list how many movies I thought were good, or at least okay, that he out and out despised. But still, somehow, he loves that fucking Michael Bay garbage, especially ARMAGEDDON and BAD BOYS 2. He describes BAD BOYS 2 as "the most hateful movie ever made" and always mentions how Bay's directing credit is over a shot of a burning cross. So his enjoyment seems like kind of a rebellious fuck you to the world, like a kid listening to punk rock or stabbing his grandparents in their sleep. He's been excited about this movie all year, and I've been shaking my head and grumbling about it. I definitely wanted to see it out of morbid curiosity, but felt it would be morally wrong to pay for it. I paid to see GHOST RIDER because I thought it would be funny, and I still feel guilty about it. So when my buddy invited me to a free screening of TRANSFORMERS I couldn't resist. He said we had to have the area's biggest pro and anti Michael Bay forces together at the same screening. Sounds like a fitting sequel to my peace initiative from last summer where I watched BAD BOYS 2 and TRANSFORMERS THE MOVIE to set a positive example for the Israelis and Palestinians. So it's fitting that the movie begins in "QATAR - THE MIDDLE EAST." (Need to establish location and tell the audience you think they're idiots at the same time? Try subtitles!) An American army base is attacked by a big robot. These guys are apparently trained in a similar manner to the soldiers from THE HILLS HAVE EYES REMAKE 2, because they all just run away and don't fight. When you see all the military hardware fetishistically on display it seems kind of weird, because the robot doesn't look like it has a chance. But then some tanks fly through the air and you find out later that all but the handful of main characters were killed and nobody knew it was a robot that did it. At this point I was trying. I secured my brain safely in a locker at the Greyhound station like you're supposed to and I attempted to lower my standards. I am a guy who enjoys Brian Bosworth movies so why not enjoy this shit? Plus, if I'm gonna watch a Michael Bay movie again it might as well be one about robots. They won't joke as much as Martin Lawrence and they'll either look cool or funny. At least the effects are in good hands. And ever since I heard Michael Bay was hired for this job I thought it was tailor made for him. The dude is obsessed with sports cars and has never felt a human emotion, how could you do better than hiring him to make a huge expensive movie where the main characters are cars? It's like God made up The Transformers just to get some use out of Michael Bay. But Michael Bay told God to fuck off, and he went and made a movie about people. After that opening attack you get literally an hour of kiddie movie horse shit about Shia LeBeouf being a nerd and trying to hit on the adult car mechanic Maxim cover girl with a troubled past from his high school. He buys an old yellow Camaro which turns out to actually be a robot from space in disguise. I don't know if I need to explain this to you guys, but Transformers are robots from space and you know those Cirque Du Soleil type weirdos in the car commercial who contort themselves into the shape of a car? It's like that, they crash land on earth and are worried people will make fun of them so they pretend to be cars and planes and shit to fit in. Anyway, for the first hour of this movie his car is alive but mostly is not a robot, he just causes a ruckus by driving around doing donuts and playing funny songs on his radio. I have learned while this movie was being made that many grown adults grew up on this toy cartoon and hold its characters and concepts deep in their hearts, and were concerned about their portrayal in the movie. And I myself revere the filmatic language, and was worried that I would get dizzy and confused by Michael Bay's double-flip-off approach to editing and camera movement. Well let me tell you, he probaly blows it on both counts, but both are entirely irrelevant. By the time the movie gets to a second robot or action scene it's already way too late to turn things around. This painful first hour shows that the movie's main problem is the same one as BAD BOYS 2: constant, embarrassingly unfunny jokes. Is it too difficult to take anything seriously anymore? Everything's gotta be wacky: Shia has a little dog with a cast and he feeds it painkillers. He rides a pink girls' bike and crashes in front of the girl he likes. A robot pulls his pants down so he's in his boxers. Anthony Anderson eats a bunch of donuts. Bernie Mac's mom flips him the bird. A fat guy dances. When robots attack later, there are lots of half-assed "jokes" about little kids saying "cool!" or comparing it to ARMAGEDDON or thinking a robot is the tooth fairy. The "jokes" are more rapid-fire than a DTV Leslie Nielsen movie, and with an equal or lesser success rate. Even in that opening robot attack they don't have the discipline to take it seriously for 60 fuckin seconds, they have to have the guy from TURISTAS who looks like Johnny Knoxville on the phone arguing with a cartoonish Indian operator (ooh, topical) while Tyrese keeps yelling something about his left ass cheek. The music sounds like John Carpenter or TERMINATOR but the composer seems to be the only one making any effort to create drama. Everybody else is assuming the effects people will put that in later. For a movie produced by Spielberg it's surprisingly low on awe. People are supposed to be surprised to see robots, but they always turn it into jokes. There's not one second in the movie where you believe people are really reacting to seeing robots. In JURASSIC PARK or in WAR OF THE WORLDS or many other Spielberg movies, you believed these people really were having their minds blown by what was standing right in front of them. In TRANSFORMERS they say things like "It's a robot. You know, like a super advanced robot. It's probably Japanese," and you're supposed to laugh. And half the time nobody even notices the robots. I should mention there is one other robot in this part of the movie, a little bad guy robot who makes wacky troll noises while hacking into the Pentagon computer. I think he's supposed to be the cute comic relief character, a bad idea since there is no drama or tension to relieve. He crawls around, over and through hundreds of humans waving his many limbs all over and making loud grunts and power tool noises without ever once being detected. Either these robots are invisible or the people in charge of our national security are even more incompetent than anyone ever imagined. So you got this hour of waiting for it to get to the god damn robots, and then when it happens you realize you don't like them that much more than the people. Admittedly, they are the one thing that makes this more watchable than the other Michael Bay movies. From the ones I've seen I think this is his worst movie, but it's bad in a more fascinating way, like a $200 million version of that tv show "Power Rangers." After a good hour fifteen of failed jokes, the probably-meant-to-be-serious introduction of the good guy Transformers is finally laugh out loud hilarious. They just look so fucking silly posing and saying their names and they talk in voices just like the old cartoons, so it almost seems like one of those meta-ironical type movies like FAT ALBERT or THE BRADY BUNCH where TV characters come to life in the "real" world to show how goofy they are. And this is one of the great "did I really just see that?" moments when one of the robots says something along the lines of "Yo yo yo wussssUUUUUUPPPP Autobots REPRESENT!" and I don't think he was eating robotic chicken or watermelon but I swear to you on my mother's grave that he started breakdancing. And I'm sure black stereotype robot was in other parts of the movie but the next time I was sure it was the same character was at the end when Optimus Prime was casually holding his broken-in-half corpse like it was the pieces of a plate he dropped. But before it gets to the fighting, buckle up for a whole lot more "comedy." There's a section, probaly originally planned as a sitcom pilot but then used as part of the movie, where the robots hide in Shia's backyard. They break things and say "funny" lines and try not to be spotted when Shia's parents look out the window. This seems to support the "Transformers are invisible" theory because they're fucking 50 feet tall and shaking the earth with every step but nobody sees them. In fact, they might be like the Velveteen Rabbit or whatever the children's story is where only a kid can see them and adults can't because they don't have the magic of childlike innocence in their hearts or whatever. Anyway, Shia is able to get into his bedroom and his parents accuse him of jerkin off, and you can imagine all the "comedy" "gold" they are able to squeeze out by riffing on that one. I think it's supposed to be funny to see the serious Transformers characters involved in this sort of wackiness, but since they have not yet portrayed in a serious light there is nothing to contrast it with. At this point the movie is beyond feature length and then they introduce a new villain, John Turturro as a Men In Black type agent under the mistaken impression that he's being funny. His performance is over-the-top enough to fit in in a movie like SPACE JAM or ROCKY AND BULLWINKLE, that is what they would like to do with his talents. And it keeps cutting away to a parallel storyline about a team of NSA analysts (all shaggy-haired twentysomething hipsters) and secretary of defense John Voight and Anthony Anderson playing Kevin Smith's character from LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD and a giant alien cube discovered in ice by Shia's great great grandfather. And all the robots are here on earth to find a pair of glasses, which are in Shia's bedroom in a backpack, so it should probaly have taken 30 seconds of screen time to get to them instead of 90 minutes. There is a part that I almost think I might've dreamed but I remember it so vividly, where there is a cartoon BOING! sound and then there's a long shot of one of the robots proudly pissing all over John Turturro. This guy has toiled away in independent film for decades, done so much great work and in order to get a pay check he has to get R. Kellyed by a fucking cartoon robot. I'm not sure if it's supposed to be funny or if it's supposed to be sexy but it failed on both counts. And then all the sudden Shia's car/robot/pet gets shocked and dragged away on cables and the score turns into violins like it's SCHINDLER'S LIST. It is an understatement to say that this heartwrenching music is not earned. It's like if Jennifer Love Hewitt's character in GARFIELD found out she had cancer and we were expected to get choked up. Towards the end the movie starts to be more about Transformers. But if any of the filmatists were interested in turning them into actual characters they must've been too busy running errands or something to add that into the movie. Optimus Prime is pretty funny because he speaks almost entirely in platitudes. My guess is they didn't have time to write or record dialogue for him so they just used a key chain where you push buttons and different Transformers soundbites come out. His voice is awesome, the only thing resembling gravitas in the movie. He is shamelessly corny and old fashioned, while every other element of the movie is trying to be irreverent and self aware. So it's so out of place you gotta laugh any time he speaks. I guess this is the part that people wanted, the BIG ACTION SEQUENCE where robots chase a boy carrying a cube over buildings. Some robots do flips and fight each other. The effects are obviously very expensive and somebody worked a long time on making them, so way to go, E for Effort. But I think the Lord would agree with me when I say Jesus Christ, if this is what you guys consider exciting action sequences I don't even know how to relate to you anymore. Imagine you took apart a whole bunch of cars, mixed the parts up and welded them all together into a giant ball maybe 15 or 20 feet in diameter, then rolled it down a hill. Shoot that in closeup and you got every fight scene in this movie. I'm sure the Michael Bay style is a huge contributing factor, but I'm pretty sure you could've shot these fights with a stationary camera like a boxing match and I still would have no clue what the fuck was going on. I am no expert on robotics but to my untrained eye, these robots look like shit. Their designs are so overly complicated you can't tell which part is which. One robot (I think a bad guy robot, but not sure) goes flipping through the air in slow motion and while staring at it I was not entirely sure which end was up. There are scenes that are close on Optimus's face while he's talking where I could not even make out a face. I never knew which robot was which or who was a good guy or bad guy or what vehicle was what robot. Luckily Optimus has a shiny blue part on him, occasionally I would see shiny blue and know that hey, that's Optimus! I spotted one! What Michael Bay has already done to action editing and staging he has now done to character design. If Walt Disney really was a frozen head he would probaly be driven out of hiding to bite Michael Bay's nose off for what he has done here. I don't think the animation is very good either, they all move too fast and seem kind of weightless and don't know how to stand still, but it's kind of pointless to even get into that when they just look so god damn ugly and confusing that even in slow motion they disgrace the many talented artists who were roped into working on this shit. If you're gonna make us wait two hours for a big dumb robot fight at least make robots that we can tell apart or can distinguish what they are doing or which part of their body is the head. In a Godzilla movie I can tell which one is Godzilla and which one is Mothra without studying it frame by frame and comparing it to charts and diagrams. In the interest of balance, I will say some nice things about the movie. There's a part where the Transformers are in car form and they are driving around, they are all brand new and shiny stupid looking vehicles and it's shot like a car commercial. That was pretty funny. Also, it was nice that the horrible rock music only came on about four or five times, not constantly like in the cartoon version. The military stuff, sometimes that reminded me of the old '80s action movies, all this military hardware they were showing. The constant ludicrousness of every single aspect of the movie makes it less boring than many bad movies, like a GHOST RIDER or a NATIONAL TREASURE. And, the, uh-- I guess I haven't seen a side wheely in a movie in a while. I don't know. I'm sure there are other positive aspects. I can't remember the last time I saw a movie that left me this befuddled that it actually existed. Now I know how your parents felt when they took you to see TRANSFORMERS THE MOVIE. "Well, I guess this is what kids like now. Huh." I mean look, Moriarty's main argument was that the movie "delivers" and you can't argue with a movie "delivering." But fuck man, I guess I don't know what "delivery" is then. To me, this was an awe-inspiringly awful mess from start to finish, with no good characters, no sense of tension or drama, an asinine plot, badly told, full of constant, annoying attempts at humor, muddled action sequences and effects that hurt your brain trying to look at them. If you people are complaining about something like SPIDER-MAN 3 being too silly and then giving this one a pass, I don't know what the fuck is going on. The best "characters" in the movie are the robots during the 5 or 10 minutes when they're trying to be serious, and those scenes come off campier than SHOWGIRLS. I haven't seen FANTASTIC FOUR 2 but I can't imagine it could be THAT much more moronic, poorly executed and groan-inducing than this one. I mean this one really is off the charts, it's a record breaker. It probaly required alien technology to make it like this. I know it's not fair to drop the B&R bomb, it's like comparing people to Hitler in political discussion. But TRANSFORMERS is honestly approaching BATMAN AND ROBIN proportions of horribleness. You can't say it's as bad, because the lighting is nice and nobody's wearing rubber fetish costumes or pink gorilla suits, but it's a similar type of minding-numbing machine gun barrage of moronic, inept garbage. And it goes on for almost 2 1/2 hours, longer than some interrogations. So in a way, that does explain to me why some people might enjoy this. Some people like to be whipped and peed on. And it's an instant camp classic. I know people who get a good laugh out of shitty movies like INDEPENDENCE DAY, and I will definitely demand that they see this shit on video, because it makes INDEPENDENCE DAY look like 2001. It's so full of quick cuts and preposterousness I'm sure I missed all kinds of things. They were already onto the next scene by the time my brain processed the fact that I had just seen a Mountain Dew machine transform into a bad guy robot. Hopefully he will be the main villain in the sequel. But he'll be defeated by a good guy Nike truck. I can't see enjoying this on anything other than an ironic or anthropological "human beings really made this!" type level. No matter how it plays this summer, this movie is so full of bad taste and "what the fuck?" moments that I do believe it will live on. Ten or fifteen years from now, when some theater in a college town plays it as a double feature with ROADHOUSE, it will absolutely kill. Did the movie work on my crowd? I'm not sure. Some of the lame jokes got laughs. Some got none. There were parts obviously meant to be crowdpleasers where you would hear one person clap or laugh in the back somewhere. There was definitely alot of sarcastic wooing and clapping. But there was also some applause at the end, which I'm gonna assume was sincere. We have already seen enough reviews to know that some people can enjoy this. I talked to a guy who loved it, said it was the best movie he's seen this year, that it knew what it was and was supposed to be tongue-in-cheek and what do you expect, it's The Transformers, it's a summer blockbuster movie, it's awesome. I'm glad he enjoyed it, but none of those arguments hold water with me, and I can't help but be sad that this is what we are willing to accept as entertainment. BATMAN AND ROBIN knew what it was and was supposed to be tongue-in-cheek and what did we expect. And if just because it's Transformers it's allowed to be inept, moronic garbage, then why are we going to see a movie based on Transformers in the first place? I know DADDY DAY CAMP is gonna be awful but I don't expect these same people running out saying that was awesome because what do you expect, it's DADDY DAY CAMP. And I know I made this point in talkbacks, and so have others, but it bears repeating. DIE HARD was a blockbuster/popcorn/summer/event movie. So was ALIENS. And TERMINATOR 2. RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK. STAR WARS. JAWS. ROAD WARRIOR. PREDATOR. ROBOCOP. TOTAL RECALL. THE MATRIX. LORD OF THE RINGS. You people who like your BATMAN and SPIDER-MAN and X-MEN and SUPERMAN and James Bond and LETHAL WEAPON... these are all big event movies, many of them timeless, many of them clever, well-crafted, some of them masterpieces. I am not being pretentious, I am not expecting too much, these are mainstream, crowd pleasing movies and they are what you used to hope for when you went to a summer movie. You can't realistically expect a movie as good as ALIENS every time, but that's better than resigning to the idea that "summer movie" equals "horribly made infantile disposable pap" and being excited about it anyway. If a summer movie is meant to be like TRANSFORMERS, then why the fuck aren't you people embarrassed to be going to see summer movies? At least have the decency to admit that it's a strange, possibly deviant hobby. Everyone expects this movie to be a huge runaway hit, a moneymaking juggernaut. It happened with ARMAGEDDON and INDEPENDENCE DAY and I lived through election 2004, so certainly I can see that happening. But man oh man do I not get it. Women, especially, I have respect for, and I cannot understand them getting any sort of enjoyment out of these goofy cartoon junkpiles wrestling each other and saying things like "One shall stand and one shall fall!" If this is accepted as good entertainment then we're another step closer to the world of IDIOCRACY and the hit movie ASS. If America loves this movie, I want a fuckin recount. But what about my Michael Bay loving buddy? Did he like it? I wasn't sitting near him at the screening and as the movie went on I started to get concerned about what I was gonna say to him afterwards. I hoped he was having a good time, and I mean, I cannot comprehend his love for the other Bay movies. So I couldn't predict what he would think. But at the same time I could not actually picture him walking up to me with a straight face and saying "That was awesome!" And I couldn't guarantee that if that happened I wouldn't shake my head sadly, turn and walk away, our friendship forever weakened by a feeling that we just weren't from the same planet. The credits roll. I find Mr. Armageddon. He smiles and says, "That was a piece of shit! That was fucking garbage! Terrible!" So thank you Michael Bay for bringing the world closer together. We can have peace some day. We just can't have good robot movies. --Vern http://www.geocities.com/outlawvern


Readers Talkback
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  • July 3, 2007, 6:27 p.m. CST

    Fourth!

    by TheBlackKnight

    Now to read the article.

  • July 3, 2007, 6:28 p.m. CST

    third bitches

    by Mr_X

    you know it

  • July 3, 2007, 6:29 p.m. CST

    and i take the bronze aa well

    by Mr_X

    yeah autobots unite!

  • July 3, 2007, 6:35 p.m. CST

    so vern.. really tell us how you feel

    by Mr_X

    you didnt like it, *meh* its not going to be to everyones taste. but im glad to see its had some positive reviews on the site. so to all the haters..you have your review and justification for not seeing it. <p> then again.. i'm still gonna watch it.. when it eventually comes to the uk. thanks vern for keepin; it real son<?p>

  • July 3, 2007, 6:35 p.m. CST

    transformers

    by lordnigzor

    best review ever.THANK YOU!

  • July 3, 2007, 6:38 p.m. CST

    ur a piece of shit

    by kelsodenn

    nuff said. this movie rocks.

  • July 3, 2007, 6:41 p.m. CST

    people still have GEOCITY sites?

    by Dannychico

    now THAT is news.

  • July 3, 2007, 6:42 p.m. CST

    And hostel was great wtf

    by dacoach

    Sometimes I wonder about you idiot reviewers on here (including Harry). This movie was a great summer movie. Quit yer bitching and wipe the sand out of your vaginas.

  • July 3, 2007, 6:43 p.m. CST

    Wow...

    by MrFire

    4307 words of insulting your readers. Good show.

  • July 3, 2007, 6:46 p.m. CST

    I was just saying to my self...

    by TELF

    "If Harry's houseguest gets to review this fucking thing then can't we at least have Vern do one too?". And here it is!<p> This better be the last one though.

  • July 3, 2007, 6:47 p.m. CST

    Awesome review.

    by spaceworlder

    I think I'll catch this one on DVD.

  • July 3, 2007, 6:47 p.m. CST

    dacoach

    by MrFire

    See, no one liked Hostel 2, so it's up to the tried and true defenders of 'What is obviously good stuff, you idiots' to pop up. It's sad when we know what to expect from reviewers before they've even reviewed a movie. <br /> Moriarty would give a well-reasoned moderate view of the movie, which would lead to a good discussion on the meris of the movie. <br /> Harry would give a friends movie a good review, a popular movie a bad review, and a movie no one would ever see the best review. <br /> Vern would write whatever he felt like, and maybe talk about the movie somewhere in his rant. <br /> Alexandra would talk down to us like we were 13 year olds and she was the babysitter waiting for her boyfriend to come over and commit statutory rape. <br /> If this site has degraded to simply posting ludicrous reviews in the name of getting page hits, at least be honest about it.

  • July 3, 2007, 6:48 p.m. CST

    OH THANK GOD!

    by tile_mcgillus

    I thought I was losing my fucking mind. <p>"DIE HARD. ALIENS. TERMINATOR 2. RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK. STAR WARS. JAWS. ROAD WARRIOR. PREDATOR. ROBOCOP. TOTAL RECALL. THE MATRIX. LORD OF THE RINGS. BATMAN. SPIDER-MAN. X-MEN. SUPERMAN. James Bond. LETHAL WEAPON"<p> What happened to movies that Transformers is now acceptable on their level supposedly?

  • July 3, 2007, 6:49 p.m. CST

    Disney bites Bay

    by Lance Rock

    great review, Vern! but I gotta say, I still loved the spectacle.

  • July 3, 2007, 6:50 p.m. CST

    uhhhh, I loved it.

    by boogy110

    Look, I'm not going to drone oon how I grew up with the Transformers as a child, yada yada fucking yada; but I have to admit, I fucking loved the movie. Yeah, some things were different, and my ONLY complaint was the fight scenes looked a little messy. But, all in all I loved this fucking move. Why? Because I took it for what it was. A sci fi action movie based on a toy. Oh yeah, guess what. I thought it kicked the ever loving shit out of Spiderman 3 and Pirates 3. Hey, I heard nithing but applause at the end of the movie. I'm not going to bullshit like other "reviewers" and say that people gave high fives to the people next to them, but I could honestly tell that most of the audience loved it. Shit, my wife who did'nt whant to see it in the first place, told me she loved it and raved about it to her friends. Hey, is EVERYONE going to love it? No, of course not, but I take offense to the Dickwad of a reviewer, not becaue he didn't like the movie, but because he seems to be stating that anyone who enjoys this movie doesn't have a brain. Well buddy, I may not be a scientist or a Harvard Law graduate, but I am a Detective in South FL. So, I'm pretty sure I have some intelligence. The movie is, action packed, funny and yes , 1 or 2 parts got me teary eyed. If you like fun kids movies, go see this.

  • July 3, 2007, 6:50 p.m. CST

    msj ruined gr!!!!!!!!

    by El Borak

    please don't remind me about ghost rider.. dammit.

  • July 3, 2007, 6:50 p.m. CST

    Wow

    by Mattyboy122

    That was one of the most hilarious reviews I've ever read. I'm at work and I had to stop myself from laughing out loud several times. Good show, Vern. Good show.

  • July 3, 2007, 6:50 p.m. CST

    Brilliant Review!

    by the scream

    What can I say? That was spot on Vern. This movie was total shite and you had the balls to say it. People don't get that you can have a big, loud b-grade film that is still worth seeing like Aliens or the Terminator. Films with heart and a brain. Transformers is lacking both. But, hey, so long as fifty things explode in the first reel, people will be happy.

  • July 3, 2007, 6:50 p.m. CST

    fuck, yeah, VERN!

    by finky089

    But, oh all the apologists said "script, characterization, dialogue- a movie needs not these things". <p> At least Vern has his head screwed on straight.

  • July 3, 2007, 6:52 p.m. CST

    Vern is very much correct.

    by El Mario

    However, I still enjoyed the movie and will probably see it again in the theater. Also, I do lament that there has not been an action/summer movie in a long time that was truly great. The last true great one was probably The Matrix. Someday, the right director will bring the right script to The Rock, and we will have a truly great action/summer movie.

  • July 3, 2007, 6:52 p.m. CST

    the movie ownz, its too late

    by shichibukai

    ya this thing is entertaining, and its gonna break all sorts of records, no matter how much u hate it

  • July 3, 2007, 6:52 p.m. CST

    TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO!

    by finky089

    Because it's my very last time. <p> TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! TINO! v

  • July 3, 2007, 6:53 p.m. CST

    Sweet

    by ewokstew

    Vern hit the nail right on the head. Just caught the matinee and couldn't agree with him more.

  • July 3, 2007, 6:54 p.m. CST

    Clearly VERN wrote this review several months ago

    by HamsterDK

    I mean what's the point of writing a review of a movie made by a director you despise and know will disappoint you. I don't know what went wrong in your childhood since you are unable to relax and just be entertained for a coupple of hours. Cause anyone who isn't at least entertained by this movie and have a fun time is seriously disturbed.

  • July 3, 2007, 6:55 p.m. CST

    i guess he was expecting schindlers list 2

    by StreetTrash

    ...its really not that bad. it plays to kids too much, but it's still pretty cool. when is that tom cruise and denzel washington hot dog comedy coming out?

  • July 3, 2007, 6:55 p.m. CST

    Vern brought the logic train!

    by tile_mcgillus

    Great review. Glad someone could stand up and tell the truth.

  • July 3, 2007, 6:56 p.m. CST

    wow...another long-winded review from someone

    by Datascream

    in love with Steven Seagel. I guess beggars CAN be choosers.

  • July 3, 2007, 6:56 p.m. CST

    AMEN VERN!!!

    by br1947

    Glad someone wrote what I was thinking, because after that crap fest, I can't form coherent words to express how awful that movie was. You nailed it, "Damn you Micheal Bay"!!!

  • July 3, 2007, 6:59 p.m. CST

    ALL MOTHERFUCKIN HAIL VERN!!!!

    by zillabeast

    THANK YOU!!!

  • July 3, 2007, 6:59 p.m. CST

    Vern on...

    by MrFire

    Walking Tall DTV Sequel<br /> "It's actually not that bad" <br /> <br /> X3<br /> "In my eyes he did a good job." <br /> <br /> Hollow Man 2<br /> "It's actually not that bad" <br /> <br /> Starship Troopers 2<br /> "What makes this movie worth watching though is...This movie has some good effects"<br /><br /> Vern on Transformers:<br /> "The effects are obviously very expensive and somebody worked a long time on making them, so way to go, E for Effort."<br /> "Holy shit, society really is on the brink of collapse."<br /> <br /> Yeah, clearly someone is in some severe need of perspective.

  • July 3, 2007, 7 p.m. CST

    Hahahahahaha!

    by Renholder

    Vern is more than right, but I still had an OK time. Shia wasn't as bad as I thought he was going to be and some of the action sequences were alright.

  • July 3, 2007, 7:01 p.m. CST

    so.. Harry and Vern are the two guys who never got paid

    by BRUTICUS

    Transformers should have been taken seriously. Much agreed.

  • July 3, 2007, 7:01 p.m. CST

    FUCK YES! ALL HAIL VERN!!!

    by eppdude

    The most entertaining review I've read in a long time. I laughed out loud several times. I just love the genuine bile and hatred spewed in this review. This was written by a true film geek - and hell hath no fury.

  • July 3, 2007, 7:02 p.m. CST

    Thats was the most bitter thing I've ever read

    by Nuck81

    Thank you!!

  • July 3, 2007, 7:02 p.m. CST

    love ya vern...

    by maxwell's hammer

    ...but I think i'm more in line with Moriarty on this one. A flawed film to be sure, but one that I greatly enjoyed. You know in the sequel there won't be so much time spent on the set-up, and maybe they'll do some redesigns of the Transformers in the sequel so the robots are less difficult to look at (I do agree with you on that problem), but I came out of the theater pretty satisfied.

  • July 3, 2007, 7:02 p.m. CST

    Damn You Megan Fox!

    by B0D

    For the sake of humanity* please hand yourself into the nearest illegal human cloning facility. Thanks. As for the robot designs, didn't Bay say he wanted to make the giant alien robots more realistic and the best way to do that was to make them look like piles of hastily glued together car parts because the original designs would look silly? Muppet! *My penis.

  • July 3, 2007, 7:05 p.m. CST

    Uh oh, Vern's really upset!

    by gorydon

    Ha, I liked this movie a lot actually. And I hate most of Bay's movies. I laughed at most of the jokes, as did most of the people in the theater. I thought the action was mind blowing and exciting. I had a good time. Yeah it was corny and had some leaps of logic. It's a fucking movie! It's a fantasy world. It's not a film made for the high-brow arty folks. This was made for teenagers.

  • July 3, 2007, 7:06 p.m. CST

    and know what?

    by eppdude

    Ratatouille is the best movie of the summer thus far. I hope more people see it. Really brilliant stuff.

  • July 3, 2007, 7:06 p.m. CST

    Action

    by Kanossssss

    I had fun with it. I didn't mind the comedy bits - they certainly didn't feel overdone to me, with the exception of the bumblebee pissing routine. But like many others here I did have a problem with the action, and the way it was shot with shaky cam. A big blurred mess, except in the odd times when the camera pulled back and then it was great (optimus prime v bonecrusher). The last Batman film had the same problems and it ruined it for me. The only time you should consider shooting an action scene up close is when you are shooting porn

  • July 3, 2007, 7:06 p.m. CST

    Needed some more explosions,,,

    by The White Morgan Freeman

    Just kidding. Just got back from seeing it and damn if this movie is not awesome. Best flick of the summer followed closely by Knocked Up. Starscream taking out Raptors in the air...awesome.

  • July 3, 2007, 7:06 p.m. CST

    Vern is the only reviewer on the site that's unpaid

    by BadMrWonka

    and the only one to call out Transformers for the shitstorm it is...<p>coincidence?<p>(by the way, I'm just kidding...mostly)

  • July 3, 2007, 7:07 p.m. CST

    I GUESS THERE IS HOPE FOR HUMANITY

    by sketch2099

    vern's review almost brings a tear to my eye, if you read my posts on harry's review you'll know how happy this review makes me. thanks vern, i was on the verge of never coming to this website again and you've restored some of my faith

  • July 3, 2007, 7:07 p.m. CST

    Damn You Vern!

    by Rupee88

    I was going to go see this at the theater, but thanks to Vern I'll just download the DVD in few months. I have no desire to sit through a frustratingly shitty move for two hours and Vern has convinced me this will be the case. So damn you, Vern but thanks for saving me some $.

  • July 3, 2007, 7:08 p.m. CST

    Damn that was long...

    by antoniojvr

    ... not to mention biased and bullshit.

  • July 3, 2007, 7:09 p.m. CST

    reviews can BE biased, antoniojvr

    by eppdude

    They are OPINION pieces. Cheers, douchebag.

  • July 3, 2007, 7:09 p.m. CST

    Whatever...

    by Arashikage

    Thoroughly enjoyed it. Had fun. More importantly my 4 and 5 year old sons loved it. And when they both leaned over to me and said "Dad, that's what he said in my transformers movie" after Optimus said "One shall stand, one shall fall." I never felt more proud. But hey, I didn't know I was supposed to hate Michael Bay until I read it on this site, so maybe my standards are just to low.

  • July 3, 2007, 7:10 p.m. CST

    I JUST REGISTERED AT AIN'T IT COOL...

    by Flux88MPH

    ....for the singular purpose of saying THANK YOU Vern. Finally someone has said everything I thought. I was so excited for this movie but it ended up being a remake of SMALL SOLDIERS....though maybe not so small.

  • July 3, 2007, 7:11 p.m. CST

    Come on, Vern.

    by FuzzyWhisper

    Society isn't on the brink of collapse because your subjective view differs from everyone else's. If the movie doesn't appeal to your sensibilities, fucking acknowledge it and move on. It's not like there's any lack of interesting upcoming releases to pay attention to anyway. <br></br> Your review became a rant in the first paragraph, and it didn't have the good sense to quit before it turned into a full-on synopsis drenched in menopausal angst. Why don't you calm down and have a drink?

  • July 3, 2007, 7:11 p.m. CST

    all you people complaining about this review...

    by BadMrWonka

    you're kidding right? someone just called him biased...HE'S REVIEWING THE MOVIE...every reviewer has a bias. just because Vern isn't giving the EXACT SAME review as everyone else (here's a summary, "yeah it was dumb, and the plot and characters were lousy, but oh man, it was such an EXPERIENCE! I was blown away. just don't expect a real movie and you'll be pleased")<p>well Vern, along with a lot of us here, have the GALL to ask that a huge action movie actually have some semblance of a brain and a heart. this movie had neither. good on you, Vern. <p>it's a Seattle thing.

  • July 3, 2007, 7:12 p.m. CST

    MrFire

    by Mr. Winston

    Look at how much time YOU'RE spending complaining. Why don't you just not fucking come here anymore if everything bothers you so much? Jesus. <br> <br> I'm not making a point to see this anytime soon, but when I do I'll be thinking about this review. Everyone I've talked to who's seen it has said the same thing: "See it on the big screen once because it's worth it. It's the worst movie I've ever had a good time seeing." <br> <br> It can't be worse than KONG '05, can it? Can it really? Anyway, Vern, you made me laugh. Thanks.

  • July 3, 2007, 7:13 p.m. CST

    Why do people hate ID4?

    by sshspooky

    I think ID4 is fantastic. Especially the directors cut. It has great build up, great action, all the plot points weaving together brilliantly, it's just a great movie top to bottom.

  • July 3, 2007, 7:13 p.m. CST

    A Transformers Fan's Review

    by Screentime

    http://tinyurl.com/2wlm8l

  • July 3, 2007, 7:13 p.m. CST

    Boogie110, HamsterDK

    by Vern

    Boogie: I honestly don't mean to insult anyone's intelligence and I apologize for offending you by being a dickwad reviewer. I am not a Harvard scientist either. The guy I described who loved the movie is a guy I respect, and I respect Moriarty too. And I would not be surprised if I was wowed by your detective skills. All I mean to say is that my brain does not comprehend how this is entertaining to you guys. And I'm sure you could say the same thing about many of my favorites. But more power to you for having fun with it.<p> HamsterDK: You're not entirely wrong. I am not the intended audience for this movie and I am not objective about Michael Bay's movies, so this is more of an essay than a review. But I do respect the artform enough that I can't sit back and say nothing while a movie this deadly gets a pass by everybody just because it's loud and expensive. To me you gotta have SOME standards, and the "just relax and watch this garbage" attitude is demeaning to movies and to humans who watch movies. <p> To answer your question, what went wrong in my childhood (or probaly adulthood) is that at some point I started to love movies, watch alot of them, and think about them. I have seen enough okay, good, and great movies to have higher expectations than just to "relax and just be entertained for a couple of hours". If I'm supposed to be able to be entertained by any god damn garbage they put in front of me then why don't I just stay home and watch TV all day?<p> If you thought the movie was good that's cool, I'm glad you enjoyed it. But I don't see you saying it's good, I just see you saying I'm an asshole for not swallowing it passively.

  • July 3, 2007, 7:17 p.m. CST

    This movie is like King Kong (05)...

    by MonteCristo

    ...without the character development but WITH the hour of needless boring shit. Plus, the action scenes in King Kong were better.

  • July 3, 2007, 7:18 p.m. CST

    Vern, NO ONE is saying it's good, that's the thing

    by BadMrWonka

    everyone is saying they understand how it fails on so many levels, but they still just loved the hell out of it.<p>well fine, but if I can't enjoy a movie that fails on even basic levels to be coherent and well thought out, where does that leave me? am I an asshole for saying so?<p>if people enjoyed Transformers, fine, congrats. but I can't believe anyone has the stones to defend it on an intellectual level. although, I guess that's not what most people here are doing. they're just yelling. I LIKED IT YOU DIDN'T YOU STUPID!<p>perfect audience member for Bay's Transformers.

  • July 3, 2007, 7:19 p.m. CST

    Best review so far

    by Serpico1974

    Transformer was worse than fucking Spiderman 3. Fuck that movie.

  • July 3, 2007, 7:19 p.m. CST

    I Shudder to Think

    by AidanJames

    how much more angry this review would be if you had to pay to see the flick. Good god... it would be awesome.

  • July 3, 2007, 7:20 p.m. CST

    Best review in AICN history

    by IndustryKiller!

    Vern to the fucking rescue! A voice of reason in a dark dark world. It goes beyond being a review of Transformers and becomes a condemnation of everything that genre films have become, which is to say complete and utter crap, and the idiot fucking public who eats it up and with bellies full of shit, ask for more. Brilliant my friend. Simply fucking brilliant.

  • July 3, 2007, 7:21 p.m. CST

    Vern Likes To Be a Contrary Dick

    by Fartgod The IRSTard

    America LOVES this movie. Vern is just trying to be a negative clown as always. Dance clown, dance.

  • July 3, 2007, 7:21 p.m. CST

    I don't disagree...

    by Arashikage

    With a thing that Vern said, I see where he's coming from. But none of it bothered me like it did him. I think it has a lot to do with the look of awe on my son's faces the whole time. And I think about how I would have felt about what I was seeing when I was 8 years old (1984) and that's what it's about, feeling like an 8 year old again; and I did. I was a big kid sitting with my boys. That's a cool feeling.

  • July 3, 2007, 7:21 p.m. CST

    We're at DEFCON 4, people!

    by TheManWithTooManyNames

    Vern has just made the "Batman & Robin" comparison. <p> I thought this film was looking shaky when it was being compared to shit like ID4 and Top Gun. But Batman & Robin! Kurwa!

  • July 3, 2007, 7:21 p.m. CST

    Why Transformers didn't outrage me as much as Spidey 3

    by MonteCristo

    Because Spidey 3 ruined a franchise, Transformers was new to me so it just sucked on its own.

  • July 3, 2007, 7:24 p.m. CST

    tailhook

    by Vern

    You're wrong! Just kidding. I wasn't gonna look up the release dates on all those, and I knew some of them probaly weren't released in the summer. But they were "big event movies" from studios. They had big budgets and special effects and action, they played to big crowds. They could've been released on July 4th, it just happens that they weren't. Anyway thanks for the correction.

  • July 3, 2007, 7:24 p.m. CST

    Mr. Winston

    by MrFire

    Vern says "I am not objective about Michael Bay's movies, so this is more of an essay than a review. " Well, hell, if I wanted a review of Michael Bay I would have went to AintItMichaelBay.com. If he can shit on a movie that he clearly had no intention of liking to begin with, I think I'm within my power to shit on this 'review' as well.

  • July 3, 2007, 7:27 p.m. CST

    its all a matter of opinion...yet again

    by Bouncy X

    all those movies listed by vern and others in different talkbacks, well theres a whole older generation who think the same thing about them as you all seem to about this and the current crop. then there's the younger generation who think all those movies are shit and the current stuff is classic. but it all comes down to personal tastes/opinions. no one's right or wrong. its one thing to say you dont like whatever movie for whatever reason but to imply people who do are less intelligent or something.....then people here get upset when they're called elitists. hmmmm lol

  • July 3, 2007, 7:27 p.m. CST

    MrFire

    by BadMrWonka

    Bay directed this movie, he has directed a whole bunch of huge, shitty movies. he is very much a part of this movie, and the reason it failed for those that didn't like it, and the reason it worked for those who actually did. so why is it off limits to mention him, and the reviewers attitude towards him in general?<p>you just want to yell, so go ahead. don't try to rationalize it.

  • July 3, 2007, 7:27 p.m. CST

    If the only defense you people have against this review

    by IndustryKiller!

    is that he is biased against Michael bay then you need to sit back, shut the fuck up, and have a coke and a smile. That is nothing even remotely resembling an argument. What it does resemble.....is idiocy. Any free thinking film lover is well within their rights to hate Michael bay. In fact it should be his supporters who have to defend themselves given that he CANT FUCKING DIRECT ACTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! combined with hte fact that all he makes are soulless action films. Now listen and listen carefully, I don't care how expensive his films look, how epic they feel, how loud they are, when it comes to an actual action scene the camera looks like it's being held by a guy with parkinsons and NOTHING is discernable. If you are wondering what that means, it means that he can't direct action for shit. That's the one defense Bay fans give when defending his films and it's complete bullshit. So find something else to prattle on about or be on your way.

  • July 3, 2007, 7:28 p.m. CST

    You've convinced me not to see this.

    by Larry of Arabia

    I was on the fence. I really, really want to be able to see a film and turn my brain off. The last Bay movie I saw in theaters was Armageddon and I left thinking, "Never again." I never did. Then I thought "well, it's giant robots beating eachother up, and the big 'S' is involved in the story so maybe..." The reviews on here were good, the tomatometer is baaarely positive. But I read Harry, then you, and it just confirmed my fears. The movie may be giant robots fighting, but it's Michael Bay directing giant robots fighting. I'll so see a good movie. I hear Pixar has a gem and there is a genuinely scary horror movie out.

  • July 3, 2007, 7:29 p.m. CST

    You know what else America "LOVES" fartgod?

    by IndustryKiller!

    The Republican party and fast food. End of argument.

  • July 3, 2007, 7:29 p.m. CST

    It's not 'AintItProfessionalReviews.com' either.

    by MonteCristo

    It's about Cool News, and I think it's very cool news that somebody had the good sense to say how bad this movie was actually was. If I was a little kid watching this movie, I'd be bored as hell. Now that I'm grown, my head hurts like hell. So, that's what this movie was: some weird circle of hell.

  • July 3, 2007, 7:29 p.m. CST

    HA! Fucking A, Industry Killer!

    by eppdude

    that was a sweet-ass post.

  • July 3, 2007, 7:29 p.m. CST

    If your friend likes Bad Boys 2, Vern

    by The Artist FKA Vesuvio

    That makes him an idiot who knows shit about movies. True story.

  • July 3, 2007, 7:29 p.m. CST

    Can't this just be renamed the haters tb?

    by couP

    bringing the world together with all this NEGATIVITY, i think not. hail mori.

  • July 3, 2007, 7:31 p.m. CST

    Paul Greengrass can direct better action...

    by MonteCristo

    ...and that's saying something.

  • July 3, 2007, 7:31 p.m. CST

    wow... just wow...

    by tempurasama

    that was probably the most condescending "review" I have ever read. That review could not have been written by a person who's reviewing a film fairly. That was a person bent on hating the film, and Michael Bay. Vern watched this movie with an agenda. What does he need to watch for to start hating this film. He went in with a notepad, and took down EVERY detail that he can turn around and portray it as the most hateful thing anyone can put in a film. Then he sits down, listens to some really rebellious and angry music, and wrote an equivalent of an "I hate you dad!!" letter to Michael Bay. Sorry Vern, I enjoyed your Die Hard review. I thought it was sincere and honest, even if it was a little bias. At least you sat down and tried to review a film. You did not do it here. You wrote a hate letter with your "I hate Michael Bay" goggles on. The worst part is you use your hatred of this film to prove your intelligence, and your superiority over everyone else that enjoyed the film. It's insulting to read, because I see how a person's hatred can overwhelm his intelligence. I haven't seen the film, and I'm not saying all of the above to defend the film. I'm not judging you because you hated it, I'm judging you because of the manner you hated it. That was not a review at all; instead, it's just nothing more than a pathetic rant, and a poor attempt to prove one's superiority. Get over yourself!

  • July 3, 2007, 7:31 p.m. CST

    Thanks Vern

    by JD Lux

    The term Summer Blockbuster should be laid to rest.I havent seen a summer blockbuster since Terminator 2.I will not be seeing this in theaters and will wait till I can rent it.

  • July 3, 2007, 7:32 p.m. CST

    HA! Fucking A, tempurasama

    by MrFire

    that was a sweet-ass post.

  • July 3, 2007, 7:33 p.m. CST

    Again, MrFire

    by Mr. Winston

    All you did was complain about Vern's review, then complain about everyone else that writes for AICN. Why are you here if you don't like reading anyone's reviews? It looks like you just showed up to be a dick. I mean, congratulations, because you certainly achieved that. <br> <br> It's amazing the number of people that will fly off the handle and yell, "FUCK YOU!!!!!" at someone who's just expressing their opinion, like they're reading the review next to someone who's going to rape their grandmother if they don't soak up and get twisted about every last word. It's a fucking free site. If you disagree with the review, disagree with the review. But you spent like twenty minutes going back through Vern's OTHER reviews to quote him and bash his opinions simply because he had them. And then you had the gall to act like you deserved a refund for something you should have made the choice to avoid. That's...that's just douchebaggery.

  • July 3, 2007, 7:34 p.m. CST

    God, I can't wait to read Quint's review after this

    by zillabeast

    He has a hell of a tough act to follow.

  • July 3, 2007, 7:34 p.m. CST

    Really, guys, this movie is not good

    by GiggityGoo

    I posted this same rant elsewhere, but I have to chime in and say that there's very little to like in this movie. I know some are trumpeting the "awesome robot-on-robot destruction", but I can't believe they weren't driven to seizure by the ultra-shaky-cam and super-CG-blurring of the robot fights. The shots in the last couple of trailers were the only ones in which things are clearly discernable.<p>Very, very disappointing.

  • July 3, 2007, 7:34 p.m. CST

    Tempurasama, you can call Vern pretentious

    by IndustryKiller!

    But you can't call him stupid. And you know what he isn't even pretentious. Just because you didn't like the way he delivered the truth to you doesn't mean it isn't the truth. He made his argument clearly and concisely. If he sounded snooty about it it's probably just your own insecurity getting the best of you.

  • July 3, 2007, 7:35 p.m. CST

    Only on AICN...

    by limpl0uie

    can you find people hating on the movie...actually, only on geeky, power-nerd movie sites can you find people hating on the movie. strange phenomenon... IMO, it's Bays' best (Which isn't saying too much, I know). But, c'mon people!! I can't see how you can hate or dislike the movie in anyway. think about what you saw and think about what it all is. And, by that I mean its a movie about giant robots fighting, directed by Michael Bay THAT WAS BASED OFF OF A TOY LINE FROM THE 80s! What were you expecting? If your answer was anything above entertaining...you're stupid.

  • July 3, 2007, 7:35 p.m. CST

    Thank God!!!

    by raum

    After reading Mori's review I was ACTUALLY worried about how Vern would see it. First Harry's. Now Vern's. There is some hope in the world after all.

  • July 3, 2007, 7:37 p.m. CST

    Too bad...

    by ShogunMaster

    Poor guy gets to see a Popcorn Movie for free and all he can do is complain that it wasn't Schindler's List. You know what? Sometimes a movie is supposed to be about escapism from the day to day crap that goes on in our lives. Sometimes it is 'fun' to watch something that offers nothing more than an adrenaline rush and eye candy. This movie isn't supposed to be about learning and growing and becoming a better person. This is about yelling at the screen and having a good time. <p> When I read reviews like this, I can't help but think that the reviewer is either missing the point or trying to be one of the few negative reviewers just so people will read his winded diatribe. If 99% of reviewers like something, then reading the 1% that didn't is all the easier. <p> But a review like this is like having a bad review on a porno just because the plot didn't make sense. Porn isn't about saving Jews from certain death, it's not about walking the yellow brick road (unless that is a euphemism); it's about 'having a good time'. This movie is porn for the action minded (or softcore porn, depending on your opinion of Megan Fox) and the story doesn't matter at all. Sit back, whip it out, and enjoy. <p> Expect no awards to be given to this movie at the end of the year. Just enjoy the 'happy ending'.

  • July 3, 2007, 7:37 p.m. CST

    The internet...

    by tempurasama

    has provided everyone with a means to become a critic. However, just because you are able to get your voice heard, doesn't mean you are actually a critic. A critic has a responsibility to report, and there are ethics that go with the job. A critic goes beyond himself, and thinks of the readers as well. A critic uses his personal experience to relate to his readers. He or she doesn't use her own personal agenda to dictate what movie he or she is "allow" to like, and then turn around and piss on everyone else for disagreeing. I'm glad you have the internet to get your voice heard. Otherwise, nobody will even give you a job as a respectable critic.

  • July 3, 2007, 7:39 p.m. CST

    thank god! finally someone agrees with me!

    by Maniaq

    Vern, you absolutely hit on the nead every single problem I had with this movie - the fact you couldn't tell one robot from another - which meant you couldn't care less when one of them was "killed" - in fact, I wasn't even sure of that fact because, as you point out, the "action" sequences involve so much fast cutting/fast CGI/shaky-cam-to-the-max I actually had very little idea what the hell was going on in front of my eyes for a waaaaay-tooooo large proportion of the movie! <br> <br> One thing you reminded me of, which I never really paid much attention to until you mentioned it, was the crowd I saw this with. <br> <br> I saw this movie THE DAY AFTER it opened in Australia, which places me at the movies on a Friday night in what should be a "runaway blockbuster hit" - the theatre was maybe barely half full of mostly too old for this shit geeks like me and NOBODY LAUGHED NOT ONE SINGLE TIME during the entire two and a half hours worth of this crap. There was no applause. I think everyone else, like me, was slowly but surely sinking lower and lower into the depression of disappointment this movie induced. <br> <br> Unlike you tho, Vern, I do have a couple of nice things to say, too. I'd never seen Shia Lebeouf before and I can totally understand the hate because it took me over an hour to get over how damn annoying he is but I *did* eventually get over that and I must give him credit for carrying the movie because there can be no denying it - annoying as he is, the boy can act. Also, the one or two (two, I think) moments where I actually did manage to follow what was going on in the Bay-fest carnage he likes to call action, well those moments were good. In fact, I would go so far as to say those moments were truly awesome! <br> <br> Unfortunately, one or two great moments is nowhere near enough to qualify a film as anywhere near "good"...

  • July 3, 2007, 7:39 p.m. CST

    Well, here's hoping they do a G-1 based movie someday.

    by Energoncube

    While undoubtedly this movie is going to make a ton of cash because of the brand name Transformers, and ILM's special effects it saddens me as a long time Transformers fan to see this franchise be utterly and completely altered till it is unrecognizable. In fact the only thing that ties this with transformers would be the premise, the logos and the title, and maybe optimus prims iconic head design. Other than that, the story, characters and designs fail on every single level except for inducing the ADD addled brains of bay apololgists to go "ooh" "ahh" to the insane amount of action going onscreen to make up for the fact that they ditched the potential for a massive space sci-fi epic for a sophomoric story about a teenager trying to get laid, and the robots that seem to make that a little harder to do. I have been following this project closley, since I have always been a fan of the original source material, yes, it was cheesy at times, yes, most of the time it was a huge toy commercial "but seriously what wasn't in the 80's?" But at the heart of it it had likeable heroes AND villians. Iconic designs and a much better origin story and motivation for both the good guys and the bad guys than this movie was EVER intending on having. And no I am not a person who wanted an exact copy of G-1 but I did hope for designs that at least showed some EFFORT to get it right, a story that actually FOLLOWED the original for the most part, and focus on the transformers themselves as characters. To get someone up to speed, the premise is simple, sentient robots crashland on earth millions of years ago only to be reactivated by some sort of geological event, a boy and his father get caught in the middle of a battle between the heroic autobots, and evil decepticons, that hail from a planet called cybertron. The decepticons wish to revitalize their planet called cybertron by taking earths energy which they can refine into energon and create a space bridge to reactivate cybertron, a planet they ruled before crashing to earth. So the autobots stop at nothing to destroy the decepicons before they destroy the world and bring about it's total destruction. So yeah, transformers purists are pissed off because we see the potential for a much better story, much better designs and characterizations that actually make the autobots seem much more relatable and the decepticons much more brutal. They have completely ignored the relationships between the characters that we were hoping for. The sneering resentment of Starscream at megatron, the laid back attitude of Jazz, Ironhide's redneck attitude of asskickery, Soundwaves blind devotion to megatron, and the fact any semblence of the origonal story in spirit or form has been glossed over to provide a vehicle for splosions and cool FX. This is how you completley wreck a franchise, and IF and WHEN this sequel get's made you will finally see that there has been zero thought in actually creating this movie as a Transformers movie, just a quick cash in on a hugley popular name by a guy who hasn't made a decent movie since the Rock.

  • July 3, 2007, 7:41 p.m. CST

    Mr. Winston

    by MrFire

    And you're spending time complaining about me, meta-complaining if you will. I'm not complaining about a review here, because this wasn't a review. Vern admits it. I went back over his other reviews to show people how stupid this 'review' is. Much like how some people will drag out Harry's Armageddon review when he bashes a 'popular' movie. <br /><br /> Just because this is a website for reviewers, doesn't mean that they should actually put effort into reviewing the movie they're watching. And by review, I don't mean blow the director and spit it out all over the talkbacks for us to wash ourselves in, nor do I mean assault us with low-brow semantics in an effort to bully us into thinking that being entertained is a bad thing. WTF? Enjoying this movie means I'm a fucking retard? And you think I'm a douchebag?

  • July 3, 2007, 7:44 p.m. CST

    This TB is like christmas for me...

    by tile_mcgillus

    Someone actually demanding quality and not accepting craption as a substitute! Oh my god. Glorious.

  • July 3, 2007, 7:45 p.m. CST

    IndustryKiller!

    by tempurasama

    I didn't say he was stupid. I said he let his pride get the best of him. He's obviously an intelligent guy, with some wit no less. I said I enjoyed his Die Hard Review for the above attributes. It's just that when it comes to certain directors like Bay, or Anderson, some self proclaimed Geeks thinks it hurts their reputation and intelligence to review a film fairly. I don't care if he didn't like it. I may not like it. But to let oneself go like that is just insulting, especially if one is in a position of a reviewer. That review should not have been written by someone intelligent, and those words should have have come out of someone who is in control of his or her enthusiasm. There's nothing in that review that I can take seriously. It was one bad joke after another, just like he said the film was. If anyone was insecured, it was the person that wrote the review. He obviously can do better, just not here...

  • July 3, 2007, 7:45 p.m. CST

    I don't really know what to say about this....

    by ludmir88

    damn.. i'm going to see it in a couple of days and i feel worried now instead of excited. Transformers "THE MOVIE" only in my mind i guess. I'm just confused. An honest review actually. Good job.

  • July 3, 2007, 7:46 p.m. CST

    He did review it Mr. Fire

    by Chopper Sullivan

    He said the action was hard to follow, the robots were ugly looking, and there was no tension or drama due to a lot of bad humor. That sounds like a review to me. And he said he doesn't get how other people like it, especially those that basically admit all of its flaws but still say it's good because it's just a popcorn movie. None of this sounds unreasonable to me.

  • July 3, 2007, 7:46 p.m. CST

    I love how insulted the apologists are

    by IndustryKiller!

    It could only because deep down they know exactly how awful this crap is but they can't help themselves. Like the fat kid who cries because he just can't stop eating that candy bar. I expect any myriad of excuses to pop up over the course of this talkback. The favorite so far is that it's an invalid review because their fragile feelings were hurt by it. Bullshit. Insecurity is a bitch.

  • July 3, 2007, 7:48 p.m. CST

    Not an honest review of a movie

    by iamnotyous

    It is sad to think that some people like Vern feel so threatened by movies made by Michael Bay (not sure yet why they feel so threatened) that they have to attack him. His review seemed pretty childish, almost as if he was just using it as an excuse to hit Bay below the belt as much as possible. For crying out loud the man made a pretty damn good movie considering his material consisted of giant robots that came from outerspace. Give the guy a break people and stop worrying if someone might think you are less intelligent for enjoying a Michael Bay movie. I would normally not break down someones personal opinion, but this review did not seem like an opinion. I think Vern was pissed because he was tricked into thinking this flick would cure cancer. Now he feels foolish and must attack the movie like it failed as being the proverbial messiah as if that was what the purpose of the movie was. I don't know, I guess it makes me giggle that someone could waste so much energy on talking about how much they hate something. Write your review, state your opinion but don't be so damn immature about it.

  • July 3, 2007, 7:48 p.m. CST

    Well said Energoncube

    by tile_mcgillus

    That synopsis made me sad for what COULD and SHOULD have been.

  • July 3, 2007, 7:49 p.m. CST

    THE MOTHERFUCKING RETURN OF DAMN YOU MICHAEL BAY!!!!!!!

    by BringingSexyBack

    Vern you have reaffirmed my faith in humanity. I can't even believe you and Harry panned a movie that was loved by Mori, Yack and Messi. Fucking insane.

  • July 3, 2007, 7:49 p.m. CST

    Temp he explained EXACTLY what he didn't like

    by IndustryKiller!

    Giving examples from the film. Talking about the chinsy human story and the horribly directed action. Sure he rails against the idiot public, but they need railing against. Just because he recognizes a problem with how this country interprets art nowadays and you feel insulted by it doesn't mean he isn't dead right.

  • July 3, 2007, 7:51 p.m. CST

    There are spoilers in that review

    by GrandpaUlrira

    That is if Jazz dies. If that is the case, you should put the little box around it. That's a pretty bitter review, to the point where it becomes a little hard to take seriously.

  • July 3, 2007, 7:51 p.m. CST

    Thank you Thank you Thank you, etc...

    by J-Boxer

    Holy shit is right. This goes beyond the whole TINO crap and eners a whole new realm of What The Fuck?!? For all of you out there who say to take it for what it is, what exactly is that? Is this what we expect from spectacle now? Lame jokes piled like turds around senseless, impossible-to-folow fight scenes? There is no pacing here, no choreography, no art whatsoever. My one disagreement with Vern is that of this movie's ultimate fate. He seems to think that it will be a joke, a flop, a Roadhouse or Showgirls that people nudge eachother over and say, "what were they thinking with THAT one?" At the showing I attended, the theater absolutely exploded with applause once the mess ended. I guess expectations are simply lower nowadays. I will, though, share my personal favorite sequence,as, like Vern said, it wasn't ALL bad. Near the end, in the middle of the metal pieces tumbling around "fighting," there's a guy walking down the street with an xbox 360 box in his hands. He's holding it out in front of him like a pizza box, as if simultaneously saying, "look, its an xbox 360, Buy this, not one of the other videogame systems, kids," and, "hey animators, here's that xbox 360 you're supposed to animate." Then, for some reason, the box sprouts legs and becomes an xbox 360 transformer. And you can buy the transformers movie game for the xbox 360! Does it get any more meta than this? If there IS a sequel, I hope it opens with two fat kids playing xbox and drinking mountain dew, when CHOO-CHOO-CHOO, all the sudden they're face to face with two VERY deadly product tie-ins.

  • July 3, 2007, 7:53 p.m. CST

    Vern I love your Reviews man but this time YOUR WRONG

    by Eh Nam1313

    This was a great flick. Yes I can do without the peeing scene and A Anderson and the little robot. But Peter Cullen nailed Prime and was so good. Looks like you went into this knowing that Talking Robots would suck, and you hated it the second you walked in and sat down. To have time to Develop more Character Development you need fewer characters and you just can't do that in a first movie like transformers.Who the hell wants to see a movie with just Bumblebee and Prime and like two bad guys(Lame) Yes the Flames on prime suck but when he was on screen you were just so happy that PRIME is there! This is the SUMMER MOVIE of the year not S3 OE P3 OR SHREKcrapy 3 this is the movie you have been waiting for all summer. Oh and this is the first time I thought you did a Bad job in your review but oh well have a good one.

  • July 3, 2007, 7:55 p.m. CST

    J-Boxer

    by tile_mcgillus

    MY GOD! It is like the rollerskates in Superman 2 except XBOX paid a lot of money to be in the movie. It is like a 2 1/2 hour skit from Wayne's World..."Nuprin: little yellow, different".

  • July 3, 2007, 7:57 p.m. CST

    AICN Reviewers Are Schizo's

    by Ky-El

    Okay so I read Harry's whiney review earlier complaining about how much the movie missed out on following Shia's character and how it's all about the robots. And Vern says it's all about Shia and NOT about the robots. WHICH ONE IS IT ASSHOLES?!? You people are so retarded. Can't you just review movies with clear head and not pre-concieved notions?!?

  • July 3, 2007, 7:58 p.m. CST

    So, what you're saying Vern, is that you didn't like it

    by The Dum Guy

    I think I'm going to down about two or three shots before the movie starts, and then continue drinking from a Sprite bottle filled with light rum.<br><br>Hopefully, my experience with this film will be better than others.

  • July 3, 2007, 7:58 p.m. CST

    Chopper Sullivan

    by MrFire

    Yeah, that would be a review. Now explain the other 4200 words. <br /><br />For example: "In TRANSFORMERS they say things like "It's a robot. You know, like a super advanced robot. It's probably Japanese," and you're supposed to laugh." <br /><br /> This is how I picture Vern at the movie. He's got his yellow notepad out and every couple minutes he lets out this long, exasperated sigh, rolls his eyes and yells out "Oh my GOD people, you're idiots for watching this" as he digs his hand into a bag of Fuzzy Peaches and stuffs them in his mouth. Meanwhile, the people that are sitting behind him, enjoying the movie want to punch him in the back of the head for ruining what they see as a well-spent $17 night out away from their jobs where they don't get to sit around all day and get paid to write long diatribes about the movie they saw last night.

  • July 3, 2007, 7:58 p.m. CST

    Eh Nam1313

    by tile_mcgillus

    So they didnt have time to develop the robots...BUT did have time to develop ohhh 20 human characters? They left so little time for Robots that Starscream and Megatron share ONE line together. Then the decepticon are nearly indistinguishable. I am going to go ahead and call bullshit on that one.

  • July 3, 2007, 7:58 p.m. CST

    Vern's an old man

    by Alpha Trion

    "they don't have the magic of childlike innocence in their hearts or whatever." and neither do you. What 80 year old man goes to see "The Transformers"? oh and "...none of those arguments hold water with me." I dont think you can hold water anymore gramps. Im an adult with 4 boys. They loved it. they were on the edge of their seats, they laughed, they bounced and at the end proclaimed it to be the best movie they've seen. Me personally? yea it lacked any kind of depth, but the transformers never had it and theyre not supposed to. Even when you try to "logically" explain their existence, you cant! Evenif they did exist they would learn from tv, the internet and media in general just like young boys between the ages of 8 and 17 who have not had any real life experience. "TALLADEGA NIGHTS THE BALLAD OF RICKY BOBBY is indeed a high quality comedy, well executed with many laughs, etc." well no wonder you didnt get the humor of this movie. I know of no one that found talladega nights funny. Will ferrels worst movie ever. You also love behind the mask so much but even that movie dissapointed with the ending and it played like a sci-fi direct to video film. so to show that you can make any movie/film seem bad let me give you an example with your own list..."DIE HARD was a blockbuster/popcorn/summer/event movie" with the same plot as every terrorist/robber/action movie ever made. "So was ALIENS" as an over the top exploitation of the original. And "TERMINATOR 2" which was more about eye candy than furthering the story which repeated the original. "RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK" Ill give you that one. "STAR WARS." worst acting and dialogue of all time. "JAWS." not believable enough. "ROAD WARRIOR." mel gibson sucks at everything. "PREDATOR." an arnold schwarzenneger movie. "ROBOCOP." Ill give you that one too. "TOTAL RECALL." a cartoon. "THE MATRIX." mr. reeves acting is horrible. "LORD OF THE RINGS." a piece of literature that will never be given enough justice, not even from the brilliant peter jackson. So see, even the greatest movies of all time can be reduced to nothing because in the end...ITS JUST A FUCKING MOVIE! of course most of us dont make a living off of it because that would be ridiculous. Transformers 2007 is as best as this story is going to get. and there will be more to irritate you in your old folks home.

  • July 3, 2007, 7:59 p.m. CST

    although i liked it a little bit more than VERN

    by sokitome

    He nailed it right on the head. and it's sad when the only argument people have against vern is "what were u expecting schindlers list 2 or shakespeare" umm he already addressed that issue in the review so please have a more intelligent response. Sadly this is what we're reduced to now, arthouse movies that are overly pretentous at times and summer flare crap that doesn't even make an effort to be good. Fitting for our bipolar society, but one thing is for sure, KIDS aren't that stupid so quit saying it's made for kids so kids will like it, you know what kids can like smarter stuff if u give it to them.

  • July 3, 2007, 7:59 p.m. CST

    Just finished watching Harry Potter HBO First Look

    by BringingSexyBack

    That will PWN all these douchey summer movies.

  • July 3, 2007, 8 p.m. CST

    That Porn had too much sex in it..

    by ShogunMaster

    That action movie had too much action in it. That Dramatic Movie had too much drama in it. <p> It is supposed to be an action movie; it delivered. What else were you expecting it to be? I think a bunch of you kids need some more fibre in your diets.

  • July 3, 2007, 8:01 p.m. CST

    I'm gonna skip this one...

    by superfleish76

    I was thinking about it the other day and realized that I have seen every one of Michael Bay's films in the theater. Every one! But, I only kinda' liked Bad Boys & The Rock, and absolutely hated everything else. I couldn't believe that it was possible. So, I'm not going to see this one. I'm going to save myself the frustration. And Vern, I totally agree with you on the overly complicated designs on these robots. My complaint for months is that I couldn't really "see" the robots even though I was looking at them. It has to be worse in the actual movie.

  • July 3, 2007, 8:01 p.m. CST

    alpha trion

    by sokitome

    that is some of the stupidest shit i have ever read. Too bad your kids will only have a moron of a dad to look up to who thinks it's ok to dumb down shit. Jezus what a fucking idiot.

  • July 3, 2007, 8:02 p.m. CST

    Why couldn't it be like SCHINDLER'S LIST? WHY?

    by Vern

    I mean how could they make a movie about robots and not include Auschwitz in there somewhere? And color photography? Talk about a wasted opportunity!<p> Come on dude, OF COURSE I didn't ask for it to be SCHINDLER'S LIST. I understand my review is long-winded so you probaly forgot most of the stuff I wrote, but how many different ways can I explain this? I want a movie to be ENTERTAINING. To me it failed.<p> To go with your porn analogy, I wasn't criticizing the plot in a porno. I was criticizing it because I couldn't tell what was a dick and what it was penetrating and there were about 200 too many nipples on the girl so I couldn't tell if she was right side up or doing a cartwheel.<p> For the record, I like that Mr. Fire went back through my other reviews, and I stand by those quotes. I don't see any contradiction between "HOLLOW MAN 2 isn't as bad as you'd expect" and "TRANSFORMERS is fucking garbage." I just wish the quote from this review would've been the part about welding together a ball of car parts and rolling it down a hill. That was the best part.<p> Also, while I'm sorry to get so many people mad, I'm glad it's a negative review that got you mad. Sometimes I feel like people only like me when I'm negative and get mad when I'm positive. So I at least appreciate it on that level. thanks guys.

  • July 3, 2007, 8:02 p.m. CST

    tempurasama clearly the most levelheaded and...

    by HamsterDK

    articulated poster in this entire talkback. To call the action in Transformers "horribly directed" is downright stupid. If ppl can't differentiate the different robots they have a problem. My 10 year old nephew had no problem doing that.

  • July 3, 2007, 8:03 p.m. CST

    Alpha Trion..." reduced to nothing"

    by tile_mcgillus

    Seriously, you point out either an opinion or small chink in the armor of those great movies and say you win. That is fucking classic.

  • July 3, 2007, 8:04 p.m. CST

    Who Hurt You Vern?

    by NubtheSquirrel

    But seriously, I enjoyed Transformers despite its flaws. I will be seeing a second time tomorrow so maybe my opinion will change after a second viewing.

  • July 3, 2007, 8:05 p.m. CST

    all the people calling Vern out

    by BadMrWonka

    are trying to justify the fact that they enjoyed the film. here's a tip: if you liked it, fine. don't feel ashamed. it doesn't make you an idiot. it just means you have the ability to turn into one for a couple hours. <p>you don't have to bend over backwards trying to find a logical way to call out someone that thought Transformers was a piece of garbage.<p>just face up to the fact that you liked the garbage. there's no shame in it! hell, that's what Mori's review basically said.

  • July 3, 2007, 8:05 p.m. CST

    it will be in the CRITERION COLLECTION!!!!

    by ludmir88

    YEAH SURE....MEHHH

  • July 3, 2007, 8:07 p.m. CST

    But Vern...

    by HamsterDK

    This isn't a review by a longshot. This is (as mentioned earlier) a hateletter that you have been waiting for months to publish. I couldn't care less about negative reviews (and this isn't getting rave reviews everywhere just check rottentomatoes) but I do find it disgusting when people use their position to shovel out personal agendas camouflaged as something else.

  • July 3, 2007, 8:08 p.m. CST

    Hey Hamstter

    by sokitome

    did your kid get it right? You say he could pick out one robot from another, I ask did he get it right? Cuz that would mean u did cuz u would have to tell your son "yeah that was starscream or that was megatron"... cuz I highly doubt your ten year old could tell the difference or he probably got it wrong thinking one was ratchet when it was bumblebee or vice versa so your arguement doesn't hold water.

  • July 3, 2007, 8:10 p.m. CST

    tile_mcgillus you are right

    by Eh Nam1313

    I could Do without sam's girl in the movie she sucked. And Yes the movie needs more Megatron and Starscream but but on the whole for a first movie with all the characters that are there this was not to bad. I was pissed Bay named the fucking tank the Dev, that was crap. But Still this is the first summer movie this year that i was jumping in my seat and loving every second Prime was there.

  • July 3, 2007, 8:10 p.m. CST

    the JJ Abrams trailer?

    by partyflavor

    Vern, what did you think about the JJ Abrams trailer for the project with no name yet? This movie had a lot of potential. and then Bay got involved. I loved that they got the right voice for Optimus, but didn't like the lips, the flames, or the nose on that truck. I hated Boombox because his sounds were so annoying. I also remember thinking there was something off with this movie several times and then stuff would explode and I would think Oh yeah, this was Michael Bay!

  • July 3, 2007, 8:10 p.m. CST

    hamsterdk

    by sokitome

    so all negative reviews are hate letters, dude make some fucking sense. and is hamsterdk short for hamsterdick? hmmmm that says alot

  • July 3, 2007, 8:11 p.m. CST

    Vern

    by MrFire

    Most reviewers, the good kind anyways, can express their opinion of a movie without resorting to hyperbole; and from this you can gauge how they'd rate movies against each other. IE I'm pretty sure Ebert would rate Citizen Kane higher than Debbie Does Dallas. From what I read from you, Uwe Boll directed this while standing on his hands with a Leader-1 Gobot toy hanging from his balls. You? Hell no, you can take a very middling movie such as this, which has some great points, some good points, some gray points and some gay points and make it sound like an abomination on film, or like you say "Fucking garbage" What's the fucking point of 'reviewing' it, if you're not going to give your audience at least some semblance of honesty? You've just crapped out a bunch of polarizing words that have less to do with a movie than they do with how you want people to react. If Transformers as a movie symbolizes the end of civilization as we know it, so does this review. Fuck 'em if they like it, they're terrorists anyways.

  • July 3, 2007, 8:13 p.m. CST

    Vern, you are a smart voice in a world of idiots

    by Doc_Strange

    The point you made about the robots being so damn ugly has been echoing what we, the TRUE fans of Transformers have known and been saying ever since we saw those fucking TERRIBLE character designs. You can't see shit. There's nothing iconic about them as there was the originals. <p> I made a point in another talkback that if you take the old G1 designs or hell, any of the designs from subsequent shows, you would almost instantly be able to tell which Transformer it is just by looking at it if it was silhouetted. Take for instance, Megatron, right off the bat you'd be able to tell it's Megatron because of that huge fucking arm cannon. Then look at movie Megatron or MINO. Would you be able to tell him from the other characters? No. Why? Because Megatron is a FUCKING ICONIC CHARACTER DESIGN that EVERYONE and their mother knows. How come the idiot character designers couldn't just update the designs here and there and yet keep what made the character an icon? <p> Same with Optimus Prime, Jazz, Starscream, Ironnhide, hell even Scorponok from Beast Wars. All are here yet no one can fucking tell who's who. This movie is a fucking injustice to the fans who have followed Transformers since the beginning. Michael Bay once again shows he's an utter failure as an artist and as a filmmaker. The only ones who retain any kind of integrity is ILM since they were just told what to do and Im sure what they did is amazing. But fuck me if I'm going to pay to see this shit, hell, I'm not even going to watch it if someone pays me. Seriously.

  • July 3, 2007, 8:14 p.m. CST

    They promised it would cure cancer. It didn't.

    by Vern

    Okay, we have established that I am a hater who hated on stuff and just was hating all over and what not. Let me ask you guys this. What did you like about the movie? Give examples.<p> Also, if you can tell the robots apart, please tell me who the different robots are, who fought who and what they looked like. But not if you are using reference materials or already knew their names going in, only if you can do this from having seen the movie once.

  • July 3, 2007, 8:15 p.m. CST

    Any one else seen Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter?

    by The Dum Guy

    Now, that's a movie to watch with your' brain turned off, but I'll be damned if it wasn't a great movie about Christ killing (kinda) the undead.<br><br>

  • July 3, 2007, 8:16 p.m. CST

    Verm

    by ShogunMaster

    "I want a movie to be ENTERTAINING. To me it failed." <p> That's fine. Hey, that is what movies are generally supposed to do. But I still think you are hating this movie because you hate the genre. It is supposed to be lite escapism. Nothing more. Maybe the big problem you had was that while most people who were watching it were escaping from their jobs, you just happened to be in the middle of work. <p> I still say this movie gave just what was asked of it. If it's not your genre of movie, go watch Ratouille (watch out though, it also isn't Schindler's List)...

  • July 3, 2007, 8:17 p.m. CST

    Thanks, Vern! Fuck leaving my brain at the door.

    by Spastic Retard

    That's the Transformers review I've been looking for. I've been ranting and raving on the same topics since seeing the midnight showing. "Stop over-analyzing it," big moronic sellout people say, "It's just a summer event flick." What the fuck is that supposed to mean? If summer event flicks suck, are we going to stop paying to see them? I remember when "Summer EVENT film" made me EXCITED to see the movie. Not bummed out. It used to be, "Summer event film? AWESOME." Now it's, "Shit -- it's another fucking summer event film???" I'm glad Vern brought up the product placements. Wish he spent even more time on them. The movie has so many ads the corporations should pay for our tickets AND suck our dicks just for watching this 2 and a half hour commercial. This movie had NO tension, NO character development, NO anything other than FX and corporate ads. Have we really fallen to this level? Is this all it takes to get us excited? Summer movies used to rule. So fuck all y'all telling me to turn my brain off and that's a "movie about robots." So was The Iron Giant and it was great.

  • July 3, 2007, 8:17 p.m. CST

    I sound like your friend Vern

    by pjdon

    my favorite movie of the last few years was Spring, Summer, Autum, Winter and Spring and yet I love Bay films.<p>Is it a purley infantile appreciation? Is it an ironic thing? Probably a bit of both. I love laughing at Bay films, waiting for the next 'Bay' moment or shot of an american flag.<p>Maybe it's because i'm english and find the whole patriotic music video style so absurd that i can only laugh.<p>All I know is that for all my taste and interest in the fine art of film I can't wait to see this piece of shit.

  • July 3, 2007, 8:17 p.m. CST

    Hey sokitome or suckitonme or whatever...

    by HamsterDK

    The best reviews I have read of this movie where bad ones (Poland's one of them). I don't give a shit what reviewers think about any movie and I never participate in these talkbacks about the reviews. But as I said, anyone with a brain can tell Vern's sharade wasn't a review. Oh and my nephew is clearly more intelligent than you, so my arguments hold that water just fine.

  • July 3, 2007, 8:18 p.m. CST

    Wow, that may be the best thing AICN has ever run.

    by where_are_quints_hobbit_set_reports

    Seriously, Vern, this is your defining hour. What a truth-telling, bull-cutting fucking film review, amazing! If you were Theoden, this would be your battle of Helm's Deep, where you recite the ominous poem and ride out into battle gloriously. <p> The excellence of this review actually improved my day, that's how good a review it was. It described the movie, it discussed the movie, it put the movie in context, it drew larger conclusions from the movie's example. Amazing, man, the bar has been raised!

  • July 3, 2007, 8:18 p.m. CST

    Vern's reviews are the best on this site

    by Eh Nam1313

    I love this guys stuff yes I think he got it wrong on Transformer but Oh well. The man still writes good stuff and I think most people on this site look for Vern's review over Harry's(hell Harry's reviews suck and no one takes that man serious) So give Vern a break for not loving a Fucking great movie, well a good movie.

  • July 3, 2007, 8:19 p.m. CST

    Cars turn into robots, for Christ sake!!!

    by Bluereader

    I always get pissed when people complain that things don't make sense in movies like these. Like when Vern writes, "I secured my brain safely in a locker at the Greyhound station like you're supposed to and I attempted to lower my standards." Dude, cars are turning into robots. I think you're standards are already too high if you think that a movie is going to convince you that this will truly happen. It's like when people complained about the odds of a meteor crashing right next to Peter Parker in Spiderman 3. You know what the odds are of a meteor crashig next to him? About the same as getting a spider bite and being able to climb up walls. So I say to you all, relax and enjoy robots beating the hell out of each other and enjoy all the clevage shots. (That's the other thing that gets on my nerves, when people complain about the actress in the movie with the big tits, saying that she can't act. Of course she can't act - she was cast because she has big knockers. If they wanted someone who could act, they'd get Meryl Streep, but who really wants to yank one off thinking of her.)

  • July 3, 2007, 8:19 p.m. CST

    Hamster

    by Vern

    My personal agenda is that I love movies and hope for more quality storytelling and maybe a little vision. Even in these lowbrow and genre movies, because those are the ones I like most.

  • July 3, 2007, 8:19 p.m. CST

    And if I left my brain at the

    by pjdon

    door it would defeat the purpose. I can only love Bay because I spent so long hating him. As I grew over the years to understand film I have found it easier to enjoy stuff that 5 years ago I wouldn't touch.

  • July 3, 2007, 8:19 p.m. CST

    Too much time with the robots too much time with Shia.

    by Ky-El

    I haven't seen it but the negative reviews so far have been negative for opposite reasons. I'm having a hard time taking any of the positive or negative reviews seriously now. I guess people just can't think without bias whether it's you're for/against Bay or whether it's fanboy Transformers mentality on this film. I'll have to see it myself.

  • July 3, 2007, 8:23 p.m. CST

    Billy Zane is Smaug.

    by MonteCristo

    Pass it on.

  • July 3, 2007, 8:25 p.m. CST

    Good stuff mr Vern a bunch OF GOOD STUFF

    by Eh Nam1313

    First time Prime Transforms - Sam Buying the car - First fight scene with the Police car Baricade - Blaclout fucking shit up in the desert- Jazz the Autobot Breakdancinghe is the small sports car - Prime saying rollout gave me chills - Prime and Megatron fighting and prime says (One Shall Stand One Shall Fall)hell that had me jumping in the air. There is just to many good things to mention Vern just go see the thing again.

  • July 3, 2007, 8:25 p.m. CST

    I bought the toys when I was little

    by YO MOM'S GOAT

    and watched the show religiously. I loved the movie. Just wish Jazz hadn't been killed and that we'd seen Iron Hide and Ratchet in action a bit more... they practically don't do anything. But c'mon, it's Transforming cars and trucks and tanks and F-22s! It was sweet. I don't care what stuck-up Michael Bay haters say. I also loved The Rock. But I hated Armageddon and agree with Vern's friend that Bad Boys 2 might be the most hateful movie I've ever seen. But I don't give it that as a badge of honor. Oh, and I thought the W. joke on AF1 was awfully forced. But c'mon, the Transformers were AWESOME!

  • July 3, 2007, 8:26 p.m. CST

    Here is some art from a GENIUS artist...

    by tile_mcgillus

    This guy took the designs and bridged the gap between insanity and simplicity... Once again what could have been...<p> Megatron Poster <br>http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/56142506/ <p>His Gorgeous Soundwave<br> http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/50216886/ <p>His Simple Ratchet update<br> http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/44036253/ <p>Now I am just saying there there is a lot more potential there then what appeared on screen.

  • July 3, 2007, 8:26 p.m. CST

    People are frightened because they know Vern is right.

    by where_are_quints_hobbit_set_reports

    They sound like people who voted for Bush in 2004: defense and frightened. <p> Or people who watch TV or read fashion magazines and when you ask them why, they say "OH, I ONLY DO IT SO I CAN KEEP TABS ON ALL THE TERRIBLE OUTRAGES THAT THEY ARE PERPETRATING. "

  • July 3, 2007, 8:27 p.m. CST

    VERN YOU DON'T HAVE TO JUSTIFY YOURSELF TO THESE HATERS

    by BringingSexyBack

    Your review spoke for itself. MrFire obviously misses the point of AICN reviews. They're supposed to opine with unreserved, brutal honesty. If he wants to read a sedate review, let him read Roger Ebert. For the rest of us, we loves you the way you are. Just stay Vern, Vern.

  • July 3, 2007, 8:27 p.m. CST

    I couldnt read Vern's review past the second paragraph

    by howaboutanicecupofgofuckyourself

    just sounded like a kid that didn't like what he got from santa or something. Christ.

  • July 3, 2007, 8:30 p.m. CST

    Transformer opinions will be like the 2008 elections

    by howaboutanicecupofgofuckyourself

    everyone arrogantly refusing to budge on what they believe despite anything the other half of the nation says. That's some scary shit right there

  • July 3, 2007, 8:32 p.m. CST

    Michael Bay GONNA EAT!!!!!

    by JaggedSac

    This movie rocked and is gonna make butt loads of money. And Vern, this movie is ten times better than Hollow Man 2 and Starship Troopers 2. As a matter of fact, I would rather watch a man shit in a bucket for 2 hours than watch Hollow Man 2 again.

  • July 3, 2007, 8:32 p.m. CST

    Vern - agree, i love this genre too

    by pjdon

    and from any other director I would except more.<p>Idealy all films like this should be handled with the care that Speilberg, Jackson and Cameron lavish them.<p>But Bay is the furthest extreme you can imagine from the artistic element of film. And without that the world would feel empty to me.<p>I like the fact that we have a director like Bay who represents the lowest common denominator, the bottom of the barrel, the anti-christ.<p>I'm glad there is better directors but they can still exsist along side Bay.<p>It's like a beautiful reminder of how bad film can be and I would be sad without that reminder.<p>Can anyone actually say they would like it if there was no such thing as bad films? What would we compare the good stuff to? What would we laugh at?

  • July 3, 2007, 8:35 p.m. CST

    VERN YOU ARE THE BEST!

    by Luvs269er

    Thanks for having the guts (and the taste) for calling this movie out for the piece of steaming crap that it is! You "Rock" (and not in a Michael Bay movie kind of way)!

  • July 3, 2007, 8:35 p.m. CST

    hey hamster dick

    by sokitome

    about your nephew being smarter than me i ask this: do what vern said, pick out each robot in each scene and tell me if your nephew can 1, tell me which robot is which and 2 get it right? cuz unless u had access to the film projector and go scene by scene there's no fucking way you could verify what your nephew saw or got right. Hey your nephew maybe smarter than me, i have a Masters Degree in history btw, but I am obviously a hell of alot smarter than you.

  • July 3, 2007, 8:38 p.m. CST

    oh and hamster dick

    by sokitome

    it's spelled c-h-a-r-a-d-e you dumb fuck

  • July 3, 2007, 8:39 p.m. CST

    howaboutanicecupofgofuckyourself

    by ShogunMaster

    "Transformer opinions will be like the 2008 elections Transformer opinions will be like the 2008 elections everyone arrogantly refusing to budge on what they believe despite anything the other half of the nation says." <p> You seem to be exactly the polar opposite of what I am saying, so I'll answer you. You see, this is a Summer Popcorn Movie. It doesn't effect the next four years or taxes and wars at all. It's pure escapism and is meant to shield us from those horrible realities of the future. It's just a movie; not an important one. But it is fun. <p> Just like porn, it's supposed to get your fluids going. You don't even have to remember what just transpired before once you're done. Just clean up your mess and get on with your day, washed in the afterglow of a good time. <p> Vern seems to think that a Popcorn Movie is supposed to change his Religion. Nope. Just blow your load and walk away. Don't even have to snuggle after.

  • July 3, 2007, 8:39 p.m. CST

    Vern I WILL quote :Car parts rolling down a hill

    by Stormwatcher

    Whether I end up loving the movie or not that will be the line I tell the people at work, to make myself look cool and witty. Taking total credit away from you. That said, I might just buy your book as clearly unlike '500 movies you must see' I probably haven't seen the movies your reviewing and will probably enjoy them more than the films themselves. That said, what about fantasy casting for Go Bots the Movie?

  • July 3, 2007, 8:45 p.m. CST

    shogunmaster

    by sokitome

    so that's YOUR definition of a popcorn flick. if YOu want stupid shit then fine but don't be saying all summer popcorn flicks have to be stupid, and btw there are shitloads of movie makers who became movie makers after watching Star Wars (popcorn flick) there are people who are now in NASA because of STAR WARS and STAR TREK and other "popcorn" flicks. BECAUSE good movies are good movies wether they have action or no action, wether they're summer popcorn flicks or arthouse flicks. so please that argument of it's just a "popcorn" flick has been used to death and VERN even addressed it.

  • July 3, 2007, 8:45 p.m. CST

    Finally!

    by notarydpo

    Someone has finally said it! Transformers sucked in every way imaginable.

  • July 3, 2007, 8:46 p.m. CST

    Vern, this is the reason why movies fail today...

    by Psalmolive

    What we are dealing with is a paradigmatical shift in the form of cinema. We are dealing with a spectacle-based cinema instead of a story and character based cinema. A lot of this has to do with the VFX and computer advances. However, if you notice the filmstock has changed as well, and with 2K and now 4K colour correction processes, you have a homogenity of cinema as it stands right now. Look at a great robot film like T2- what you have is intelligently designed action sequences with technical advances that were researched and created to AID THE STORY. That's the beauty and genius of James Cameron. Now, Michael Bay, coming from a commercial background, which is essentially a bunch of memorable shots, is not a storyteller, and not an innovator. Michelangelo and Leonardo were innovators. They were architects and artists. They were firmly rooted in the advancement of the medium. They didn't do it for fame and prestige like Michael Bay's reasoning for making films. Michaelangelo didn't say "wow, painting the Sistine Chapel would be really fucking cool" they did it because they had a virtuous artistic reason. They had to do it to push themselves as artists- it was a catharsis. What we have today in cinema is MTV style cutting and shooting, a deadening of the medium. Michael Bay didn't innovate, he built on the VFX that currently exist, BUT BECAUSE HE DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO FUCKING PAINT (like James Cameron, both figuratively and literally) he can only ever strive to be a shadow of derivative. The medium is becoming bereft of artists and storytellers who can legitimately move the medium forward instead of being a bunch of fucking posers. There are no more Fellinis, and if there are, no studio will back them. Yet those artists of times long since past are revered by film historians and film guilds. So they honor the old guard well telling it to fuck off in the present because, as Michael Bay embodies, it is the corporatization of an artform. I can remember reading all the stories about how well Transformers "tested". Bullshit. You don't make films by committee and you don't make films for corporate sponsors. In fact, there hasn't been an actual "film" made in years. As you mentioned, we haven't even had "movies" made in years- each idea new, interesting and stimulating. Even in the art world we are facing films which have to fit within the acceptable paramaters of "fringe". So on both ends, we have massive polarization, with no middle ground. No more Orson Welles, hell, no more John McTiernan or Philip Noyce. Just fuck it all to hell and collect your paycheck- that's the world we live in now. When the public pays to see a piece of garbage such as this, it shows true cynicism as we witness the death throes of a once vibrant medium, and Michael Bay is the Jack Kevorkian.

  • July 3, 2007, 8:48 p.m. CST

    The adlibbing was bad, Decepticons needed development

    by George Newman

    And the Decepticons needed to be shown Actually plotting and interacting with each other. Half of them just appear out of NO WHERE. There was never a since that they were working together to find Megatron and the Allspark. <p> All of the obnoxious horsing around and "humor" digressions should have been cut out and replaced by Decepticon development. <p> I'm sure there will be an extended cut; hopefully they will fill in the Decepticon gaps.

  • July 3, 2007, 8:49 p.m. CST

    OH Whatever! this movie kicked ass!!

    by jojo-pimp

    Enough of the damn "micheal bay sucks" bandwagon shit...its gettin pretty old! people were cheering during the movie, applauding at the end, and having a great time!

  • July 3, 2007, 8:51 p.m. CST

    Vern got it 100% right

    by Doctor_Sin

    On ALL counts. Good job, man.

  • July 3, 2007, 8:54 p.m. CST

    Vern you made me want to see this!

    by Neil McCauleys Crew

    Holy shit I got to see the trainwreck this thing has become. I'll just thing back on this review and have grand old time while having paid a ticket for Die Hard 4.

  • July 3, 2007, 8:54 p.m. CST

    Offended on behalf of a movie?

    by TELF

    A movi by a director who clearly respects neither his audience or his source material?<p> That is so wierd.<p> I can understand defending a misunderstood gem, but this cynical exercise?<p> Is this really the Transformers movie you were hoping for? Is it even half as good as it could have been? Be honest. Or is it just riding off the good will of cherished childhood memories and amazing effects? <p> And the "But my kid loved it" gambit is no good. We love all kinds of unmitigated shit when we are young, doesn't make it good.<p> Before you whine at someone pointing out the willful mediocrity of this film, just consider the film you could have gotten.

  • July 3, 2007, 8:55 p.m. CST

    I'm a fan of G1

    by Arashikage

    Own the first season on DVD and the 1986 movie. G1 designs in this movie would have looked gay as hell. Thank god Optimus wasn't that flat front rig. He looked cool as hell in this movie and that would have sucked. And thank freakin' God that Bumble bee wasn't a fucking VW beetle seeing the camaro next to the beetle in the movie really makes you see how the bad he would have been as a beetle. Original doesn't=flawless. The original designs weren't that good. They were upgraded.

  • July 3, 2007, 8:55 p.m. CST

    jojo-pimp

    by BadMrWonka

    people like blood sausage too, people are morons...

  • July 3, 2007, 8:55 p.m. CST

    The tards are crawling out of the primordial shit

    by BringingSexyBack

    to bash Vern. As evidenced by budbundy1978's post.

  • July 3, 2007, 8:55 p.m. CST

    Sokitome

    by ShogunMaster

    Star Wars, Star Trek, etc are exactly the same. They are mindless action pics. I'm a big Star Wars fan, but even I admit that without the John Williams music in the background, it's just as simple as any other 'Popcorn Flick' (tm). They are fun, they take you out of your daily grind, and they entertain. <p> Dude, I think you agree with me more than you think. <p> If you want to go have a depressing dose of reality, click on the DrudgeReport. Oh hey look, Russia is setting up a new Cold War, China is also getting ready to attack us, our war in Iraq is still shit-bad. Pretty crappy, n'est pas? <p> Now we crack into the Omni-plex with a bag of Sour Kids and a Large Mountain Dew. WoW! Robots smashing the crap out of each other. Reminds me of the fun I had in my childhood while watchin' Star Wars. <p> Luke didn't have a soliloquy and Optimus doesn't either. Neither were supposed to.

  • July 3, 2007, 8:56 p.m. CST

    Perfect Review Vern.

    by mindgrapes

    how anyone over the age of 10 could of loved this film is a mystery to me.

  • July 3, 2007, 8:56 p.m. CST

    Don't Watch Transformers, It Sucks, Watch Hollow Man 2

    by JaggedSac

    Vern is so right. Walking Tall 2, Hollow Man 2, Starship Troopers 2 == good movies. Fuck this guy loves the cinema. I mean these movies are what film is all about. They didn't make these sequels to exploit the titles and rake in some dollars. Vern is right about everything. Movies are about art and substance and human emotions and Walking Tall 2 has it in spades. GO fuck yourself Vern and then watch some sci-fi originals, they seem to be up your alley.

  • July 3, 2007, 8:57 p.m. CST

    hey jojo

    by sokitome

    so people cheering is the gauge of a movie, ok i can accept that. I saw it in a college theater with a bunch of teenagers and twenty somethings, only about a third of the crowd laughed and at the end only about a third applauded so what does that say?

  • July 3, 2007, 8:58 p.m. CST

    Telling robots apart

    by Arashikage

    Megatron and starscream looked too much alike and their characters and personalities should have been a lot more in the movie. Other than that I thought every robot was recognizable.

  • July 3, 2007, 9 p.m. CST

    Robot designs were simply "Varying Shades of Squiggle"

    by George Newman

    If one of the Transformers stood squarely in front of the camera, held still and simply waved his arm across his body, visually it would get lost in the "squiggle" robot design. That's all the designs were: varying shades of Squiggle. <p>One of the most visually frustrating moments in the film is when Megatron grapples with Optimus. They tumble and do barrel rolls, crash into stuff and things explode, but the image is as tangled as a rat's nest. The designs were just too "complex." <p>The robots should have been a little more simple, blocky and (as ridiculous as this may sound) more brightly colored. Strongly contrasting colors are just more effective than muted ones.

  • July 3, 2007, 9 p.m. CST

    I dont think Vern can fit anymore mouths on his penis

    by Fridge

    But don't worry, Eli Roth will be here as back-up shortly. Anyone who says a person is a "failure to humanity", or whatever the fuck it was Vern said up there while throwing his little temper-tantrum, because they liked a movie about robots (a movie based off a TOY LINE) needs to pull that nine foot long pole out of their ass (or in this case, Eli Roth's dick). Keep on sucking Hollywood's dick, AICN, it's not like you have any morals or values or anything left.

  • July 3, 2007, 9 p.m. CST

    I just got off the phone with Jim Belushi...

    by Uncle Stan

    and he claims Micheal Bay watches REBA religiously.

  • July 3, 2007, 9 p.m. CST

    New rule: no calling each other idiots or morons

    by Vern

    Optimus Prime says that we humans are "a violent race," which is kind of hypocritical for some guys with guns growing out of their hands. Those space savages will never learn to stop fighting, so let me refer to the X-MEN pictures instead. Dr. X-Man and Magneto disagree with each other, but they still respect each other and play chess together. Let's all be friends even if we are all so god damn wrong about this movie.<p> p.s. It just occurred to me. Is Mega-Tron a transformer? Did he ever transform? Or is he just a robot?

  • July 3, 2007, 9 p.m. CST

    Excessive comedy is such bullshit! damn straight.

    by scottylans

    I haven't even seen this movie and your review just sums up about 50% of the latest 'blockbusters' for the past 5 years to me. The whole comedy relief has to be done right, in moderation etc. Look at the little black guy in the limo in Die Hard or McLane's quips - they were funny and not all the time and well - they were well written! I was tempted to see this movie but after this review - fuckit, I'll go see Die Hard instead. Thanks for telling it like it is.

  • July 3, 2007, 9:01 p.m. CST

    Psalmolive - I agree with what you say to

    by pjdon

    a point but i think there are just as many good films made today as ever.<p>The difference is the marketing.<p>In the 70's studios marketed films such as The Godfather and Taxi Driver.<p>Films of the same quality are still made but they are not billed as big releases.<p>If one where to choose movies based on advertising and box office charts then all you would see is films like TF and Little Man.<p>If like me, you read film magazines and try to find the good films then you will find that we have never lived in such a rich time for the medium of film.

  • July 3, 2007, 9:02 p.m. CST

    ShogunMaster...

    by TELF

    Sarcasm is hard to judge in TBs. But yours was dripping in it, right? <p> Right....?<p> <p>

  • July 3, 2007, 9:02 p.m. CST

    shogunmaster

    by sokitome

    are u fucking kidding me? you're comparing TRANSFORMERS to STARWARS. I guess you didn't see the political parralels in star wars (even the original trilogy). I guess you missed all the zen philosophy that was also in star wars or star trek that was very topical and very current in it's stories (revenge, saving the environment, individuality vs. borg collective mentality)... your arguement is completely ridiculous, if you honestly can compare TRANSFORMERS to those two movies then....well fuck that's just stupid!

  • July 3, 2007, 9:04 p.m. CST

    Calm down guys

    by lost.rules

    It's a movie. If you'd rather watch something intelligent, I reccomend Ratatouille

  • July 3, 2007, 9:04 p.m. CST

    "Is this really the

    by JaggedSac

    "Is this really the Transformers movie you were hoping for? Is it even half as good as it could have been? Be honest. Or is it just riding off the good will of cherished childhood memories and amazing effects? " "And the "But my kid loved it" gambit is no good. We love all kinds of unmitigated shit when we are young, doesn't make it good." TERF couldn't Transformers be some of that unmitigated shit you loved as a child. It wasn't a good cartoon, they made good changes. Get over shit you loved as a kid.

  • July 3, 2007, 9:04 p.m. CST

    oh and sokitome

    by Kanossssss

    It's spelled w-h-e-t-h-e-r you dumb shit. Christ I hate pedants, and people who like to spruik their qualifications.

  • July 3, 2007, 9:05 p.m. CST

    What if in a NFL game, both teams wore Navy blue?

    by George Newman

    You wouldn't be able to follow the action. That was a problem of the movie.

  • July 3, 2007, 9:05 p.m. CST

    Obviously sokitome fell for your funny joke...

    by TELF

    Kudos, Master of Shoguns.

  • July 3, 2007, 9:06 p.m. CST

    American Godzilla all over again but with robots!

    by andrew coleman

    When will studios learn no one gives a shit about their paper thin characters and we wanted cool Transformers, not ghetto transformers or one's that die instantly as they fight. The last twenty minutes are worth it in my opinion but my god what horrible characters and dialogue. What was up with the Australian girl and Anthony Anderson they didn't even need to be in the movie.

  • July 3, 2007, 9:06 p.m. CST

    This movie rocked!

    by stvnhthr

    No it was not a great film, but it was a damn good movie. I think there is room in the world for high brow, medium brow, and even uni brow level entertainment. Some parts were strange like the extended masturbation discussion. They do realize every parent who takes a kid to this is now going to have to explain what it is. But overall I had a blast. I don't know if I would have wanted a deeper more serious Transformers movie. This was about the right depth for a cartoon designed to sell toys. Let Evangelion be the deep meaningful giant robot film.

  • July 3, 2007, 9:07 p.m. CST

    I like how so many who hate this movie...

    by FuzzyWhisper

    ...are absolutely insistent that only idiots can enjoy it. Some are straightforward about stating it, while others occasionally decide to cushion the same old abuse with a flimsy qualifier. It all amounts to the same thing: people calling other people stupid because their tastes aren't the same. What an insulting notion, that someone is an idiot for enjoying a film that was designed to do nothing more than entertain by bringing pop-culture icons to life as they've never been before. What a grotesque parody of reason, that certain moviegoers somehow count for less because they enjoy frenetic action and larger-than-life characters who practically thrive on their own absurdity. <br><br> Granted, I'll understand if I'm viewed as a hypocrite here. I bashed the intelligence of people who disliked Transformers in the talkback for Mori's review. It was a clumsy gesture of frustration, but I know I'm not the only one who's been there. Who enjoys being told something they like is dumb, after all? Maybe it's so hard to hear because so much of our selves are defined by our tastes. Maybe it's the other way around. <br><br> I may not be the picture of innocence, but that certainly won't stop me from observing the disturbing way some of us have decided it's okay to lob personal attacks at the ones we don't see eye to eye with. I shouldn't target only the critics, because the guilty are on both sides. But you know, it's better to be part of the problem and admit to it than pretend everything's peaches and cream and go right on flaming. This nonsense won't stop, of course, but it really should.

  • July 3, 2007, 9:07 p.m. CST

    It annoys me when people say

    by pjdon

    'oh films aren't like they used to be' when these same people won't take the time to experiment with films or put any effort into finding them beyond looking at the charts or reviews in a newspaper.

  • July 3, 2007, 9:08 p.m. CST

    Haha, Vern sort of beat me to it.

    by FuzzyWhisper

    Eh.

  • July 3, 2007, 9:09 p.m. CST

    Fridge is a fucking idiotic moron

    by BringingSexyBack

    His post is so fucking self-contradicting. On the one hand he lambasts AICN for propping up Eli Roth, on the other he bashes Vern for giving an honestly negative take on Michael Bay. Sorry Vern, but this douche is a moron, no two ways about it.

  • July 3, 2007, 9:11 p.m. CST

    Fridge

    by Vern

    Your post is as confusing as these robot fights. First you use a blowjob metaphor for people agreeing with me. Then you mention Eli Roth (not sure what this means, I'm kind of so-so on his movies), you mention some "failure to humanity" thing that I don't remember writing. Then the pole part completely lost me - I didn't agree with people who liked Transformers, so there is a pole in Eli Roth's dick? Dude, I am so lost. Then finally, Ain't It Cool News is "sucking Hollywood's dick" because I personally demanded more quality from, uh, Hollywood.<p> You know what bud, how bout we start over from the beginning.

  • July 3, 2007, 9:12 p.m. CST

    hey kanoss

    by sokitome

    sorry i didn't think accidentally omitting an h was like substituting a s for c. Maybe if I say "you cpelled it wrong acchole" that might be better, and about the qualifications he called me dumber than his nephew, i had to respond

  • July 3, 2007, 9:12 p.m. CST

    Vern, about Megatron...

    by FuzzyWhisper

    Sorry about the multiple posts, but yeah, he transformed into some sort of futuristic plane thingie. He does it when he leaves the military base, and also during the orgy of destruction at the finale, when he's fighting with Jazz (the wannabe hip-hop bot), and I think at least once more when he and Prime are duking it out.

  • July 3, 2007, 9:12 p.m. CST

    Another essay question

    by Vern

    For those who say "lighten up, this is a summer popcorn movie": is there any "summer popcorn movie" that you didn't like? If so, why not? And do you feel you need to lighten up?

  • July 3, 2007, 9:13 p.m. CST

    Sokitome

    by ShogunMaster

    Listen, Star Wars just raped the crap out of a few genres and pasted them together into a movie with a great soundtrack. Other than better special effects (hey Transformers has great effects too!) it was just a simple cowboy movie in space. <p> If you want some political parralels, then we can say that fighting the bad Transformers can unite this divided world from hating each other over petty differences. The Star-Warsian Religions were just filler to connect like all other myths of the past to a recognizable part inherant in all of us. But if you think that made it important makes me think you were one of those morons that wrote 'Jedi' into the census list as your personal religion. <p> Star Wars is fun to watch, so is Transformers. Star Wars doesn't change how I see the world; neither does Transformers. Neither does Porn (and I'm more tired of reusing the 'porn' reference than you are of hearing it). Let's make this the final porn reference: why do you like watching porn when it doesn't have a great storyline, not done by a great director, and had horrible acting in it? Do any of those things stop you from cranking one off to it? I doubt it. <p> It's just a crazy movie kids. Nothing more. Don't kill anyone over it.

  • July 3, 2007, 9:13 p.m. CST

    Bay is GOD

    by rezlifeguru

    And this was the best sci-fi/action movie I've seen since T2. Bar none. Can't wait for TF2.

  • July 3, 2007, 9:14 p.m. CST

    Vern, for that great review here's a treat for ya

    by BringingSexyBack

    http://tinyurl.com/2zvdxa

  • July 3, 2007, 9:15 p.m. CST

    Rise of the Silver Surfer....

    by FuzzyWhisper

    ...killed my family, violated my dog, and painted flames on Optimus. It was kind of hard to lighten up after that little number.

  • July 3, 2007, 9:15 p.m. CST

    Essay Response

    by MrFire

    There are plenty of summer popcorn movies I don't like, but I don't think other people are idiots for liking them. My favorite movie of all time is Airplane, my taste is suspect to being with.

  • July 3, 2007, 9:18 p.m. CST

    breakdancing

    by Jubba

    there was breakdancing in the original 1986 movie when the autobots were briefly celebrating on the junk planet and i can only assume the same moves put into this movie were an homage to that scene.

  • July 3, 2007, 9:18 p.m. CST

    and another thing about qualifications

    by sokitome

    the arguement was that i or vern must have been dumb not to be able to tell which robot was which. Well i just had to say my qualifications because I couldn't tell which was which in the end sequence. like when Optimus said "sorry brother" at the end was he talking about Megatron or Jazz? why? cuz Bay doesn't care. so please if you're going to criticize please pay attention to the whole conversation.

  • July 3, 2007, 9:19 p.m. CST

    hey sokitome

    by Kanossssss

    you should be able to rise above it all and state your case without resorting to insults. You lose the argument as soon as you do. Pulling up people for their spelling on the internet is pointless - you knew his intent and that should be enough. On a side note - Vern is correct when he says we should just all get along. I don't understand the response of both sides to this issue. I enjoyed the film, but had a problem with the action being a blurred mess. I am not an idiot for enjoying it, and neither is Vern for not enjoying it. I made my own mind up, and I don't need someone elses review, either positive or negative to validate my opinion.

  • July 3, 2007, 9:19 p.m. CST

    ShogunMaster:: on porn..

    by The Dum Guy

    I personally only watch porn for like ten minutes and then thats that.<br><br>Are you telling the film (ha film) is like slowly stroking your' shaft for 2 hrs. and then you have one orgasm at the end that seems good, only because you took so long in making it happen?<br><br>I haven't seen Trannies yet, so I'm not sure the equivalent, and I'm not sure on the hate, in fact I'm dum on the whole movie.<br><br>In fact I haven't seen any of the blockbusters this year, I've been watching movies from Netflix only.

  • July 3, 2007, 9:19 p.m. CST

    JaggedSac, absolutely.

    by TELF

    But I wouldn't, with my current critical faculties, make claims for them being any good. I honestly couldn't give a damn about fidelity to the source material. I wasn't into Transformers, although I can see that my post might suggest that. My point was more along the lines of being confused as to the passion of the defenders. Bay seems to be getting a pass on a number of things that he would ordinarily get crucified for, particularly by AICNers. And surely that's because people just love Transformers (it is a great, fun concept), regardless of whether this film really represents a quality effort at realizing them. <p> When I was going on about the film that could have been, I mean the one where all the elements that people loved from the show were skillfully crafted/adapted into an involving, satisfying and justifiably great film. If you think about it, it's not so unreasonable.

  • July 3, 2007, 9:20 p.m. CST

    That's the spirit, Kanossssss.

    by FuzzyWhisper

    Well said.

  • July 3, 2007, 9:21 p.m. CST

    Don't care (minor spoiler)

    by Dkev00

    I thought it was pretty kick ass flick. My wife even enjoyed it, though she thought Bumble Bee peeing on the Sector 7 dude's head was a bit much.

  • July 3, 2007, 9:21 p.m. CST

    Vern -a lot of 'popcorn' movies

    by pjdon

    fail on the 'fun' factor, the 'over-the-top' factor.<p>A lot like this fail on basis of not having any substance or heart what-so-ever.<p>But there are popcorn movies that have little substance and still don't have the 'fun' factor.<p>I'd prefer TF to FF:ROTSS because FF:ROTSS bored me, it hardley even made me laugh.

  • July 3, 2007, 9:21 p.m. CST

    Vern= little boy needing a hug

    by woodyva

    Man what is up with the all out attack. I have seen this twice, once with a sneak peek on base with some of the nations finest at Little Creek Amphibious base in Norfolk, and the second time at a regular plex. I mention the navy screening as these guys are genre nuts. They love this type of movie and have palates bathed in this type of fiction. These guys cheered the whole time, and laughed at most of the jokes. I am thirty years old, so I grew up playing with the G1 stuff, and was a kid when the animated movie came out. I have a childhood with this mythos and others (Voltron, Robotech, Tranzor Z,Thundercats, etc.)firmly grafted to that time in my life. I was so skecptical going in, as i was concerned that Bay would ruin the film. I enjoyed Armagedon, implausable though it was, hated Peral Harbor (disrespectful to a great generation), and thought The Island was at best ok. No one walked into this film thinking it was supposed to be an art film. We knew it would be explosions, popcorn and lots of fast moving scenes. With bay there is always the touching moment with the symphony build up, and the balls to the wall scenes. Not a perfect movie, but fun. The regular showing was the same as the Navy group, and i have heard the same for many other screenings. I liked the movie, and guess what, i don't have to justify to you why, i just get tired of reading bullshit opinions from people like you. I am sorry Vern I am sorry you wanted to hate it, and I am sorry that you proved too closed minded to do otherwise. But here's the good news: I hear Go Bots is in production and that Jem is still totally outrageous. With that kind of news you can probably afford to stop raining on the parade and maybe just maybe you will try learn to actually watch a movie with an open mind and not a preconceived notion of what you want before you see it. You were incapable of liking this and the whole bullshit racism in your review is pretty lame, did you actually reference chicken and watermelon? WTF, maybe you should go wash your white hood you sick fuck.

  • July 3, 2007, 9:23 p.m. CST

    Vern, seriously now...

    by zikade zarathos

    that was a good review. A bit insulting to the people who like it (there's a difference between picking apart a movie and picking apart the people who actively enjoy it), but you illustrated your points. But c'mon, you honestly didn't think ANY parts of that end fight in LA were exciting? You found it so mind-numbingly awful and incomprehensible as to wonder aloud what was "wrong" with everyone else who did? I was not a huge fan going in, didn't know the robots' names by heart or anything, and I didn't have a problem discerning robot from robot, friend from foe. I think this is a case similar to that of BATMAN BEGINS, where if people got even a little disoriented at any point in a fight, they just mentally give up and start preparing their speech about how "confusing" the fights were. If you just watch what's on screen, it's not that hard. Admittedly, the jokes were hit and miss with the HITs being 1 for every 10 misses. Fine. Two peeing jokes in one film is a bit much, I agree. Jazz, Anthony Anderson and Bernie Mac was a LOT much, fine (do BOTH black characters have to scream at their mommas? Christ). But there's some shit in EVERYTHING. You mention T2, still a gold standard and for good reason. But the opening narration in both movies are not that far from each other in the cheese levels. One's about time-traveling robots, the other's about a big cube. You say Jazz is embarrassing. Well, John Connor's "Chill out, dickwad" is embarrassing, too. There's a lot of nostalgia that washes over a lot of crap in that movie (and others in your list), and to claim that TRANSFORMERS is utterly beneath them is being deliberatly picky about what you'll accept and what you won't. The only difference is that T2 is for 13 year olds and Transformers is for 12 year olds, so we get piss jokes instead of "This is deep." Anyways, it wasn't as bad as you make it out to be.

  • July 3, 2007, 9:24 p.m. CST

    shogunmaster

    by sokitome

    wow you're serious, I'm sorry i just can respond to such a ridiculous arguement. TRansformers being the equal to star wars or star trek? I highly doubt there will be any future NASA astronauts who say they wanted to be engineers or such because they saw transformers as a kid.

  • July 3, 2007, 9:24 p.m. CST

    now THAT'S entertainment!

    by mrdinky

    the movie was ridiculously bad (although I laughed at it and with it at times). but vern, your review is priceless! it's brilliant. in particular, your description of the action sequences as a big metal ball rolling down the street. I couldn't think of a more accurate description of all the action scenes I was looking forward to (because I held no hope for anything else being worth a salt). and the fact that the movie cannot take anything seriously for 60 seconds(!) also irritated the hell out of me afterward. but I do need to admit this: the robots looked a lot better onscreen than they did on all the leaked material. I'm a fan from childhood, and I hated the redesigns, but I think those actually worked. probably the only thing. also, was I the only one troubled by the fact that the little ewok sized decepticon that everyone seems to think is comic relief "for the kids" kills half a dozen guys with all the enthusiasm of duke nuke'em? this whole movie deserves a great big WTF?

  • July 3, 2007, 9:25 p.m. CST

    Spider-Man 3....

    by Screentime

    Spider-Man 3 waas a great popcorn movie, so was POTC3. Amazing popcorn movies!!!!!!!

  • July 3, 2007, 9:25 p.m. CST

    Fantastic review, Vern.

    by a goonie

    That might just be the definitive review of this movie, if you ask me. Hilarious and filled with well-argued points, that was a great read. Thanks for that.

  • July 3, 2007, 9:27 p.m. CST

    Thank you, Vern

    by malcolm_mccallum

    Thanks for still trying to find reason, consistency, and wit in films. Why are films such as this succeeding? It is because this is the Age of Rhetoric and all that we seem to want is loud noises and shouting down the opposition. We'll wave flags and put on stirring soundtracks and never look at the fallacies and hypocrisies that we are shouting in support of. Woe to us.

  • July 3, 2007, 9:29 p.m. CST

    Dum Guy

    by ShogunMaster

    "Are you telling the film (ha film) is like slowly stroking your' shaft for 2 hrs. and then you have one orgasm at the end that seems good, only because you took so long in making it happen?" <p> Um ya. How about a rollercoaster ride then? I'm talking about an adrenaline rush. Not just a mellow tug trying to build up your endurance. Though with 10 minutes; you might want to work on that.

  • July 3, 2007, 9:30 p.m. CST

    Does anyone edit their thoughts on here?

    by careyleefisher

    Why is every damn "review" on here so looonnnnngggg? Jesus Christ! You have to call off work if you want to attempt reading any of these ramblings. Talk about being in love with the sound of your own voice.

  • July 3, 2007, 9:30 p.m. CST

    ok you've convinced me

    by sokitome

    kanossss maybe you're right maybe there is too much hate, it's only because almost everything is done purely for profit and not any kind of artistic integrity. Yes there used to be artistic integrity. I'm not talking about arthouse flicks there used to be an effort on all levels of film to make a good movie. Now it's not so much as trying to make a good movie as opposed how to market and sell it. We keep giving into shit and that's all we get. Now as i said earlier i didn't HATE this movie like VERN but to say it's FUCKING awsome when even the action sequences weren't that great, is mind boggling.

  • July 3, 2007, 9:34 p.m. CST

    Though with 10 minutes; you might want to work on that.

    by The Dum Guy

    Too soon? Too slow?

  • July 3, 2007, 9:34 p.m. CST

    Thank you VERN

    by HeWhoCannotBeNamed

    ...

  • July 3, 2007, 9:35 p.m. CST

    Sokitome

    by ShogunMaster

    "wow you're serious, I'm sorry i just can respond to such a ridiculous arguement. TRansformers being the equal to star wars or star trek?" <p> If it makes you feel better, I do agree that Star Wars is/are better movie(s). But it is not anymore 'important' than Transformers. Both are just fun summer romps. Nothing to get religious about, but fun none-the-less.

  • July 3, 2007, 9:37 p.m. CST

    Vern Vs. Transformers

    by lost.rules

    Uh, dude. You're gonna lose. You're gonna lose bad.

  • July 3, 2007, 9:38 p.m. CST

    Dum Guy

    by ShogunMaster

    "Too soon? Too slow?" <p> LOL. I apologize. I'm just at the bottom of this bottle of Shiraz and I hope you took that as funny rather than rebuking. But ya, a little of both... <p> Good luck.

  • July 3, 2007, 9:41 p.m. CST

    ShogunMaster

    by The Dum Guy

    I completely got the humor.<br><br>I'm now cracking open my first can of Bud for the evening. I hope my posts don't start delving into innane jibberish, so I think I'll work on my wanking for a little while.

  • July 3, 2007, 9:44 p.m. CST

    Dum Guy

    by ShogunMaster

    ;-)

  • July 3, 2007, 9:44 p.m. CST

    People clapped, and cheered at the end.

    by lost.rules

    They also stayed to watch most of the credits. I think it's gonna be huge. But I admit that most people are idiots. I guess I'm an idiot too because I liked it. Oh, well. Ignorance is bliss! Is Real World on? I'm going to have to start watching it.

  • July 3, 2007, 9:45 p.m. CST

    Why it's completely reasonable to pick apart the viewer

    by IndustryKiller!

    Vern have every right to go on a rant against people who like Transformers. In this day and age it goes beyond just liking or disliking a film. It's because of the growing number of apologists that guys like Michael bay keep working. Why a movie like Transformers is so polarizing when the filmmakers had every opportunity to appease both hardcore and casual fans. You guys keep buying this crap and therefore they keep making it. You are part of the problem. Because of Transformers eventual success it will only make the GI Joe movie worse (whenever they get around to making it). If you ever want thing to get better you MUST start holding people accountable for their bad taste. If I could get two Transformers movies made, one that caters to both you and I, i would do that, but I can't. Only one got made and it sucked, and a painfully stupid public is every bit as at fault for that as Michael Bay is. So vern not only has the right to attack this same public for their taste, but, as a massive fan of film, almost a moral obligation to do so. If it insults you too bad, you deserve to be insulted.

  • July 3, 2007, 9:45 p.m. CST

    about the cgi...

    by Johnny T Williams

    Just came out of the movie...is there anyone out here who was also veery unimpressed by the special effects? I mean... they were great but still... not as great and "seamlessly blended with the live action" as a lot of people were describing them...

  • July 3, 2007, 9:45 p.m. CST

    rock on vern

    by WolfmanNards

    The movie deserves less words than you gave it in your review, but you did a good job at outlining just how flawed this potentially entertaining film was.

  • July 3, 2007, 9:46 p.m. CST

    A++++ review!

    by Jared Syn

    Would read again!

  • July 3, 2007, 9:47 p.m. CST

    And now we have people comparing TF to Star Wars

    by IndustryKiller!

    Star Wars, a movie that is left off of absolutely no ones Best in Cinema History list and transformers, a movie that will be forgotten as soon as the box office slows down. We have truly gone off the deep end.

  • July 3, 2007, 9:50 p.m. CST

    Maybe Midol Girl...

    by Kamala

    Or douche bag girl, what ever her name is, should read this. This, honey, is how you write a review!

  • July 3, 2007, 9:51 p.m. CST

    IndustryKiller - the thing is

    by pjdon

    is that however many of us where to take a stand against this type of film it wouldn't matter.<p>People who love film do not make up the majority of film-goers.<p>The majority is people like my mum who can't even concentrate on a film without icking up a womens magazine half-way-through.<p>There have always been films made to appeal to the idiot demographic, they are just a bigger demographic these days. Not that they are getting less intelligent but the way films are marketed is meaning they don't have to choose anymore, they just go to whatever film is marketed most that week.

  • July 3, 2007, 9:53 p.m. CST

    We just need to except that as time goes on

    by pjdon

    the films we love will become less and less popular.<p>In 10 years there will be many more brilliant films than ever but only a small number off us will see them.

  • July 3, 2007, 9:53 p.m. CST

    Awesome Movie

    by tormys

    you dumb ass people that want movies to define your useless life will not enjoy it. But a person who wants to see a fun action movie will be pleased. Hell my girl even liked it. That's what a movie should do. Not define what you wanted when you were 10. Grow up and enjoy life

  • July 3, 2007, 9:54 p.m. CST

    Hilarious and apt review

    by cammywobs

    But I still have to list transformers as a favorite on facebook. Sigh... maybe james cameron will come in and make Transformers 2 the blow-the-first-one-out-of-the-water movie that Terminator 2 was.

  • July 3, 2007, 9:54 p.m. CST

    IndustryKiller!

    by ShogunMaster

    "You guys keep buying this crap and therefore they keep making it." <p> Ok. Maybe this point isn't being made properly. The fact of the matter is, I think movies like Schindler's List are VERY IMPORTANT and I wish that more movies would be done with as much integrity and importance. However, I don't need to see S.L. every time I go out to see a movie. I like to see different movies for different reasons. Sometimes I want to see something like Amistad or Blood Diamond. Sometimes I want to see Bond or Batman or Donnie Darko, or Clockwork Orange. Hell, sometimes I'll even crack on 'Grease' if it's on during a rainy afternoon. I'm just saying that there is enough room out there to enjoy different genres of movies for different reasons. <p> I don't hate Michael Bay for making his kinds of fun movies. Sometimes it's just fun to enjoy the smashing excitement of it all. Why is it so bad to enjoy the adrenaline of this kind of rollercoaster movie?

  • July 3, 2007, 9:57 p.m. CST

    Q

    by And Nicolas Cage as Fu Manchu

    I was going to see Strong Enough to Live Free, but Made to Die Hard tonight. Should Transformers sufficiently draw away the annoying philistines? I have no intention of watching a Michael Bay event film.<br><br> I agree with your friend about Bad Boys 2 by the way, right down to the director credit over the burning cross. From the casual interracial banter, to the cliched Joe Pantoliano anti-drug rants, to the extended comedy sequence staged around a dead woman's breasts, the movie is a cornucopia of bad taste. You don't even have to wait for the director credit shot either; it is barely a minute into the film when the first misogynistic "fucking bitches" is uttered. Truly a remarkable film, and one that will studied in universities for decades to come as a perfect depiction of everything wrong with the American ethos.

  • July 3, 2007, 9:58 p.m. CST

    Some quotes

    by Game Of Pricks

    Vern: "And if just because it's Transformers it's allowed to be inept, moronic garbage, then why are we going to see a movie based on Transformers in the first place?..." limpl0uie: "And, by that I mean its a movie about giant robots fighting, directed by Michael Bay THAT WAS BASED OFF OF A TOY LINE FROM THE 80s! What were you expecting? If your answer was anything above entertaining...you're stupid. " ShogunMaster: "This movie is porn for the action minded (or softcore porn, depending on your opinion of Megan Fox) and the story doesn't matter at all. Sit back, whip it out, and enjoy." Eh Nam1313: "To have time to Develop more Character Development you need fewer characters and you just can't do that in a first movie like transformers." budbundy1978: "he used to pay little boys to urtinate on him while he was dressed as a sheep herder..your review annoyed me..." See, what you guys did, was, you kinda made Vern's point, which wasn't that you're an idiot for liking this movie, but that we (the moviegoing public) have been trained to spend our hard earned money on whatever bullshit Hollywood throws at us, and then shrug and say, "It was OK. Just fluff." Well budbundy, your quote didn't really fit here, I just thought it was kinda funny and I wanted to see it again.

  • July 3, 2007, 9:58 p.m. CST

    IndustryKiller

    by Kanossssss

    It's still just an opinion whether you like it or not. Did you stop to think that perhaps you are in the minority and that more folks like than dislike the film. I am not defending the film, as my previous posts have already shown. There are things I liked and things I didn't. But you are setting a precedent when you say it's okay to rail against the people who like it. By your definition it's then okay for people to rail against you and Vern for not liking it. I mean, after all it's an opinion, and a movie. It's not rocket science. Take 100 people and get their Best in Cinema History list. You may be surprised at what turns up and what is left out. If we all liked the same thing the world would be a very boring place.

  • July 3, 2007, 9:59 p.m. CST

    It's a $150mil live version of a cartoon for 10 yr olds

    by opa-opa

    What were people expecting, really? It's a movie version of a kid's cartoon, except with more "attitude" and some tits and ass. Why would anyone be expecting an intelligent plot, deep characters, witty humour, when the original cartoon had none of that either?

  • July 3, 2007, 9:59 p.m. CST

    That was a hateful review. And I loved it.

    by Seph_J

    Nice one Vern. The sad fact is your review applies to the majority of 'big' films. You could literally replace every use of the word 'Transformers' with 'Van Helsing' or 'National Treasure' or 'Tomb Raider' (to name just a few), and every use of the name 'Michael Bay' with 'Paul WS Anderson' or 'Pitof' or 'Jan de Bont' and it would still be equally as valid, and saddening. Filmmakers and studios the world over should read this review, and feel ashamed.

  • July 3, 2007, 9:59 p.m. CST

    Schindler's List with Big Fucking Robots

    by BringingSexyBack

    No a bad idea.

  • July 3, 2007, 9:59 p.m. CST

    ShogunMaster - I agree that these type of

    by pjdon

    films do not stop better films exsisting.<p>And while it's true that Jackson, Cameron and Speilberg can make blockbusters with a heart and a brain like ET it wuld dissapoint me to lose the really shallow end of the spectrum that TF represents.<p>You can have fun throw away action movies like Blood Diamond and still have intelligent films like Donnie Darko.<p>I don't see why it has to be one or the other.

  • July 3, 2007, 10:01 p.m. CST

    Shogun you aren't understanding

    by IndustryKiller!

    I don't need Transformers to be a poignant socio-political drama, but there is absolutely no reason why it can't be a genre great on the level of Jurassic Park (which it isn't despite what mori says) or Terminator 2 for instance. Actually there is a reason, why the fuck would the studio take the time to actually write a good script and pay a good filmmaker to make a good Transformers movie when a willing public will literally eat up ANYTHING they produce as long as giant robots of any denomination are present? It's the same reason why after Matthew Vaughn and Bryan Singer dropped out of X3 the studio said "You know what fuck it, get Ratner, those fucking twits will come see any shit with the X-Men in it." Blood Diamond and Transformers existence aren't mutually exclusive, but a GOOD Transformers movie and a mediocre one most certainly are. See what I'm sayin?

  • July 3, 2007, 10:01 p.m. CST

    Woodyva

    by Vern

    No, you don't need to justify liking the movie to me, but talkbacks are for discussing movies. So far I have seen probaly a couple hundred things that people forgave about the movie, and only one post where a guy said what he liked about it. I mean if I'm so wrong how come there is no passion for what's good about the movie? People could go on for years about what they love in STAR WARS or ALIENS. And they do. This movie kicked your ass but you're not sure why?<p> Anyway I just wanted to respond to you calling me a racist. I guess you didn't understand me but I was accusing the movie of being racist in that scene. If you didn't think that character was a minstrel show then I don't know what to tell you. Maybe it was supposed to be a parody of racist stereotypes in those cartoons, or in Michael Bay movies, I don't know. But I took it at face value.

  • July 3, 2007, 10:01 p.m. CST

    Schindler's List with Big Fucking Robots...

    by cammywobs

    and jokes about a dead hooker's fake titties whilst eating robot fried chicken and watermelon. Now THAT'S a movie.

  • July 3, 2007, 10:03 p.m. CST

    Kanosss go ahead rail against me

    by IndustryKiller!

    That's EXACTLY what apologists have been doing for the last 6 months. The difference is they have been doing it without a shred of an argument. "It's based on a cartoon" and "It's big dumb summer fun" is the position of fools. So go ahead and rail all you want, just be sure to have a point when you do it.

  • July 3, 2007, 10:04 p.m. CST

    Great Review, Vern

    by CloudCleaver

    Haven't seen the film yet, but everything I've seen so far makes me think I'll enjoy the film less than I did reading your review.

  • July 3, 2007, 10:04 p.m. CST

    And Nicolas Cage as Fu Manchu - and that

    by pjdon

    is why Bad Boys 2 needs to exsist. We need utter shit to show us how bad films can be. God I must have watched that film at least 10 times. Perfect when drumk in a room full of people.

  • July 3, 2007, 10:05 p.m. CST

    why dont you guys do this.....

    by tormys

    Save all the money from not going to see all this "terrible" movies and make your own movie.......

  • July 3, 2007, 10:06 p.m. CST

    pjdon Im not saying films like TF is the death of ALL..

    by IndustryKiller!

    cinema. No TF doesn't keep movies like The Departed from coming out. But it could very well be the death of good genre films. Sure one will come out now and again, but something that used to be routine is now almost extinct. And the more people buy garbage the harder it is for artists to even get their visions made. Whether you know it or not it's the truth.

  • July 3, 2007, 10:07 p.m. CST

    Right on, Vern. It's a whole new breed of mindless.

    by Laserbrain

    This movie was the cinematic equivalent of watching rednecks shoot off automatic weapons in a field and whooping. Even *for what it is* it's an abject failure.

  • July 3, 2007, 10:09 p.m. CST

    Stupid Shit

    by JaggedSac

    The movie is about a bunch of fucking robots coming to earth and disguising themselves as various objects. Based off a series of toys. It is about robots fighting. If you want tons of substance you should go elsewhere because even the basic premise of this movie screams thin plot. Star Wars has a thin plot. It has some nice banter and some good special effects to drive it to the top. Nothing special. To inject this movie with any sort of complex emotional value would be to directly conflict with its basic premise, that of toys fighting each other. You want some science fantasy(definitely not sci-fi, neither is Star Wars) action then look no further. The movie purports nothing other than what it is doing. If you don't like this kind of shit, don't watch it. Just like the movie 300, the trailer told you exactly what the movie was going to be and if you watched it and didn't like it was your own fault. Critics pound the movie for lack of substance when it was never trying for any. Thats like saying Anchorman wasn't serious enough. You either go into the movie wanting to enjoy it or you go into the movie against it.

  • July 3, 2007, 10:09 p.m. CST

    Paul Walker and Tyrese in: TRANSFAST TRANSFURIOUS

    by cammywobs

    Jazz: "Pocket's ain't empty, cuh... check out these energon cubes bre!!!"

  • July 3, 2007, 10:09 p.m. CST

    144 minutes

    by Vern

    In a way the running time suggests they weren't thinking "this is for idiots who can't pay attention" as some people have been saying. So I don't know. Maybe they thought they were making a huge epic.<p> You know what would be interesting would be to hear what Spielberg thinks of this movie, if you could get him to be honest about it. I don't see how he could be proud of it, but who knows?

  • July 3, 2007, 10:09 p.m. CST

    I mean

    by opa-opa

    You can't compare Transformers to Spiderman, or Matrix, or Star Wars, Aliens or any of those movies, because it's not meant to be like them. It's just plain dumb to comapre them. The source material is different. The target audience is different. If you want to compare, then compare it with Pokemon The Movie, Scooby Doo, Garfield, etc, because the source material for those movies is at the same level as that for Transformers. I think the problem the haters have with this movie is just that it's being hyped so much and will make a buttload of money, unlike other throw away "kiddie" flicks.

  • July 3, 2007, 10:10 p.m. CST

    sokitome

    by Alpha Trion

    do you have kids? or are you one of the 40 something dorks that sat in the theatre and geeked out with their buddies? because when you have kids, you realize that there are more important things in life than FUCKING MOVIES! by the way, dumbing down stuff for kids is not what its about. Kids under the age of 13 are not as smart as you people who have never had to raise a child think. Get laid, have some of your own before you talk about what kids should and shouldnt be watching or understanding. Im here because i love entertainment. When I want intellectual stimulation, I hang out with friends. oh yea, I forgot that geeks only have cyber friends who pretend to be something they are not on the internet all day. It doesnt matter, even the negative feedback only makes this movie bigger. you know why? because your talking about it. If all you HATERS really wanted to see this movie suffer you would have kept quiet instead of bringing all this attention. I stand by what I said that every movie can be broken down. EVERY MOVIE with the exception of documentaries because real life is what the rest of us live in. The rest of you can have your jizz stained keyboards and parents basements. Verns right, he's lost touch and so have the rest of you. Its not your world anymore because you did nothing to change it. I point at people like you and tell my kids, "those are losers. dont be like them. get outside, make friends, be a part of something real and true." let the losers die lonely and lost in an imaginary world of their own design.

  • July 3, 2007, 10:10 p.m. CST

    Thank you, Vern

    by Latauro

    I'd held off writing a review, but then reconsidered given the overwhelmingly positive reviews appearing here. You've described how truly shit the film is and now I don't need to. Thanks!

  • July 3, 2007, 10:11 p.m. CST

    Vern I want you to pop off your crotch-gas-cap

    by cammywobs

    and R Kelly all over me ohhhhh yeahhh

  • July 3, 2007, 10:11 p.m. CST

    IndustryKiller i don't think great popcorn film where

    by pjdon

    ever that common place. For every ET, T2 or Jurrasic Park there are a million more shit films. We always look back with rose tinted glasses.<p>It's like how people seem to think every black and white film should automatically be good just because it was made long ago.<p>The reason they seem good is because only the good ones stand the test of time.

  • July 3, 2007, 10:12 p.m. CST

    Vern sounds like someone

    by messi

    I do not want to hang out with. You sound utterly boring. If you laugh at Optimus speaking because of context, that screams pretension.

  • July 3, 2007, 10:12 p.m. CST

    Check out Negative Nancy over here. VERN!

    by Orionsangels

    Get over yourself Verny. If you expected so much more out of what you got from the Transformers movie. You're insane! Maybe if you internet geeks didn't build up your bloated nerdy ass expectations so much. You'd see pass all your nitpicking comments and relize this is just a fun popcorn that has to accommodate the simple mentality of most moviegoers these days.

  • July 3, 2007, 10:12 p.m. CST

    EnergonCube @ 07:39:32

    by HeWhoCannotBeNamed

    Well put. My only arguement on your points is that I hated The Rock. That was the LAST film I ever saw by Bay. It will remain so. But that's just a difference of opinion. A fact that some studio tools seem to forget about this site. Anyway, well put. We'll never see such a film. Too "risky" as the pussies would have you believe.

  • July 3, 2007, 10:14 p.m. CST

    Transformers 2

    by cammywobs

    will have Popcornians from the planet Turnyourbrainoffia that secretly transform into everyday household summer blockbusters

  • July 3, 2007, 10:14 p.m. CST

    Umm have you guys seen Blood Diamond?

    by ShogunMaster

    It's hardly a disposable action movie. And Vern, I liked Transformers cus it was 'Fun'. That is all. As much as I didn't learn anything from the logjam ride at Disneyland, I still had a good time with it. <p> Also, saying that Bay isn't as good as Cameron or Speilberg is like saying that an author isn't as good as Dickens or Shakespeare so you can't enjoy the book.

  • July 3, 2007, 10:15 p.m. CST

    Hey Vern

    by benito

    Just wanted to say, as you're clearly reading all these, that I'm with you 100%. There's no excuse for garbage like this being in theatres, and it makes me sad that people are so willing to go along with it. Thanks for the great review buddy... and here's to a future with some great popcorn movies in it.

  • July 3, 2007, 10:15 p.m. CST

    JaggedSac - a film does not need to be complex

    by pjdon

    to be intelligent.<p>Starwars does have a thin plot and is simple but it has heart. TF doesn't.

  • July 3, 2007, 10:15 p.m. CST

    Latauro write it anyway

    by IndustryKiller!

    Could always use more voices

  • July 3, 2007, 10:16 p.m. CST

    messi

    by Alpha Trion

    thats the point i was trying to make. theres obviously people who go to movies to be entertained and "others" who go because they have no real meaning in life. these are the people that want a strong emotional tie to a CGI robot that turns into a truck. its juvenile.

  • July 3, 2007, 10:16 p.m. CST

    I think..

    by IronSpidey

    that this movie will be similar to the television show, but live-action. That is all I ever expected out of the movie. If I want a complex plot and action there are many other movies I could watch. I want to enjoy the movie for the same reasons as I enjoyed the show.

  • July 3, 2007, 10:16 p.m. CST

    To inject this movie with any sort of complex emotional

    by opa-opa

    "To inject this movie with any sort of complex emotional value would be to directly conflict with its basic premise, that of toys fighting each other." I think that's exactly right. And if the movie isn't as exciting or dramatic as you hoped, maybe it's intentionally that way so that it's not going to scare 6 yr olds or make them cy? I know that Bay has made better and more exciting action sequences before in his previous movies, but those were for a different audience.

  • July 3, 2007, 10:16 p.m. CST

    GIT EM VERN, GIT EM!!!

    by zillabeast

    I am loving this. Greatest ranting of allllll time!

  • July 3, 2007, 10:17 p.m. CST

    Orionsangels

    by Alpha Trion

    exactly!

  • July 3, 2007, 10:18 p.m. CST

    Alpa Trion

    by IndustryKiller!

    I think you are forgetting that you're on a movie web site debating said movie about giant robots with the rest of us. You nerd you.

  • July 3, 2007, 10:18 p.m. CST

    "they all just run away and don't fight"

    by BrowncoatJedi

    It's called falling back and regrouping for an assault. They were caught with their pants down, so what else could the do. Sheesh!

  • July 3, 2007, 10:18 p.m. CST

    ShogunMaster - Blood Diamond

    by pjdon

    is a an action film with a serious message stuck on.<p>I found it entertaining and touching but in a very shallow way.<p>It actually reminded me of Bay. I cried in Armageddon at the end, not because it was really deep or trully emotional but because it did all the formulaic tricks to pull the heart strings.<p>Blood Diamond is a great film but it's serious message and drama is very transparent.

  • July 3, 2007, 10:21 p.m. CST

    Alpha Trion - no body expects

    by pjdon

    any complexity to this kind of film. Just maybe a heart.<p>I'm quite happy with having Bay the way he is, i'll go elsewhere for other needs.<p>But i think people are trying to say that ET was about a silly alien, T2 about a robot and they both had real heart and emotion without trying to get complex.

  • July 3, 2007, 10:22 p.m. CST

    Okay Vern

    by Kanossssss

    Okay Vern I will tell you what I liked and disliked. Likes: SHia. He had just the right tone to his performance. He is likeable, and this is the first film I have seen him in. I thought the whole "courting" thing of Megan Fox was cute - I'm a sucker for that though FX. When Bay pulls the camera back and slows it down a little, I thought the action was great. The Bonecrusher/prime fight was well done - prime was ruthless and efficient in dispatching him (weid because he basically allowed megatron to kick him around). The bots had a real sense of weight to me, and I liked the fact that they moved fluidly almost like primates. When they called in an airstrike on the scorpion bot, it was a great shot from the plane firing down. Comedic Bits. The banter between Sam and his parents was charming, without being overdone. Shia's timing was great. Dislikes: FX. Shaky camera ruined alot of the final showdown for me. I agree that it became a blur at times. I had difficulty tell who was who. Sector 7 subplot - just rubbish. Turturro gahhhh Secretary of Defense subplot. As a proud Aussie I have difficulty saying this, but although Rachael Taylor is uber hot, she was excess baggage. They could have just dumped all those characters. Comedic bits. Some just did not work. Bumblebee pissing, Anthony anderson etc. Nuff said. Overall I had fun. It's not a seminal work, but it entertained me for the most part.

  • July 3, 2007, 10:23 p.m. CST

    Vern

    by Allfather Starr

    Awesome as usual, mate. You should do requests. I'd love to read you ripping some other seriously shit films to shreds. Could you start with Highlander 2?

  • July 3, 2007, 10:23 p.m. CST

    Idiots and morons..

    by jfp2007

    I'll call whoever I please either name. The movie was spectacular and is receiving fantastic word of mouth. It's going to top Armageddon which is another Bay movie that is genuinely loved by real people. Fanboy Bay hating Armageddon hating morons and idiots don't count.

  • July 3, 2007, 10:25 p.m. CST

    Hilarious, Vern.

    by superninja

    Anyway, his description kinda sounds like the script...

  • July 3, 2007, 10:25 p.m. CST

    jfp2007

    by MrFire

    Some people have legit gripes with the movie. How many piss jokes does a movie need? That doesn't make them morons or idiots. The morons and the idiots are the ones who wanted to hate it before even seeing it, and confirmed this self-fulfilling prophecy half-a-second after the title appeared.

  • July 3, 2007, 10:26 p.m. CST

    Alpha Trion - also i find it quite insulting

    by pjdon

    that i go to any movie with any intelligence because i have no meaning in life.<p>So are you saying anyone wo has ever invested themselves in an art form of any kind does so because their lives are so sad?<p>I go to some movies to be simply entertained. Sometimes i like my entertainment to be more meaningful. Stuff like TF i will enjoy but then forget about. Something like ET you watch and it stays with you all your life. Something like Irreversible doesn't entertain, you watch it purely for the sake of artistic expression.

  • July 3, 2007, 10:27 p.m. CST

    PS.

    by Kanossssss

    What the fuck is wrong with the formatting here. No matter how many carriage returns I drop, it still comes out as one long paragraph.

  • July 3, 2007, 10:27 p.m. CST

    Vern answer me one thing please.

    by JaggedSac

    You obviously hate the TF movie with a passion. Yet you find Hollow Man 2 and Walking Tall 2(which may I remind you, has fucking Kevin Sorbo in it) to be decent movies. Why would you like these two movies that lack any and all acting ability, directing ability, have shitty cinematography and shitty dialog, but then have such utter distaste for a movie not nearly as wretched as the two aformentioned movies?. I will grant you the TF is not the second coming of christ, but it is not the coming of the anti-christ either. Hell, HollowMan 2 and Walking Tall 2 are even bigger reasons to hate Hollywood(pumping out shitty sequels for a quick buck) yet you find them to be decent flicks.

  • July 3, 2007, 10:29 p.m. CST

    I want Latauro's review

    by BadMrWonka

    just for the jokey metaphors...<p>the "diarrhea from a Michael Bay-rrito" was all I could muster in my review...

  • July 3, 2007, 10:29 p.m. CST

    Kanossssss

    by MrFire

    If you know HTML, just do a line break...less than BR greater than.

  • July 3, 2007, 10:31 p.m. CST

    Indusrykiller

    by Alpha Trion

    Granted, I am a nerd at heart. "Im here because i love entertainment." and me and my kids and were entertained just as much as when i bought my first ironhide and transformed him all day. So i come here and cannot help but say something to these critics who trash movies because it was to juvenilefor them. I thank god that movies are not made for guys like this. Im glad they are not running the show or else it would be worse than what hollywood has turned it into.

  • July 3, 2007, 10:31 p.m. CST

    Pjddon

    by tormys

    I don't think you are in the same group as these guys that are just blasting on this movie because they want it to bring back their childhood. You sound like a guy who maybe just doesn't prefer this type movie but you're not gonna spread hate about it. I respect you.

  • July 3, 2007, 10:31 p.m. CST

    I think I figured out the problem...

    by BadMrWonka

    I think people are getting on Vern for reviewing, in essence, his complaints not just about the movie itself, but in comparison to what it COULD HAVE BEEN in the hands of a better director...for a movie this big, the popularity of which has a huge effect on subsequent movies of this size, isn't it fair to do so? shouldn't we be saying, "this isn't as good as it could be, and we should have the right to expect more?", rather than, "sure a lot of it sucked ass, but I don't care about plot, characters, etc. in a big summer film."<p>you can have the big spectacle AND have those other things! other movies have done it! but until people stop slurping up the pig slop that directors like Bay are turning out, why should the studios ever have a reason to expect more. if the fans don't ask for more, why should they?<p>the fans have a responsibility, and Vern articulated that. big ups to Seattle. Green Lake represent!

  • July 3, 2007, 10:31 p.m. CST

    McFire, true.

    by superninja

    This is all just to keep the flame war hits coming.

  • July 3, 2007, 10:33 p.m. CST

    Thank fucking Christ somebody else thought ...

    by Uga

    ... this movie sucked. I said as much last week, and thought I was alone. http://tinyurl.com/2zjpbv

  • July 3, 2007, 10:33 p.m. CST

    Mr Fire

    by Kanossssss

    Thanks mate.

  • July 3, 2007, 10:33 p.m. CST

    awesome review, Vern

    by Sir Loin

    ...and kudos for holding your own agains the mindless US masses who are easily impressed by a "spectacle." Glad to see there are actual reviews here that aren't brainwashed by eye candy and, uh, a "plot" of some sorts to go around said eye candy.

  • July 3, 2007, 10:36 p.m. CST

    Vern

    by ballyhoo

    Thank you. Thank you so much for what you wrote about this film. It needed to be said. I owe you a beer.

  • July 3, 2007, 10:36 p.m. CST

    tormys - thanks, i actually love

    by pjdon

    this kind of movie, much as i love any kind of movie.<p>When i was 13-15 I thought Bay was great, i loved shallow action films with no sense of irony what-so-ever. Visual stimulation was enough for me.<p>Then when i was say 16-21 i only liked arty films, deep meaningful pieces of art.<p>But now every type of film has it's place for me.<p>As far as superficial action movies go this is a good film. It cannot be compared to stuff like T2, ET or Starwars. It can be compared to stuff like FF and AVP and compared to them it is a masterpeice.

  • July 3, 2007, 10:36 p.m. CST

    Sir Loin

    by MrFire

    "the mindless US masses who are easily impressed by a "spectacle."" Funny, some critics said the same thing about Star wars when it came out. Not to equate the two, but "spectacle" succeeds for a reason.

  • July 3, 2007, 10:36 p.m. CST

    pjdon

    by Alpha Trion

    I stand by what i said. first-"real heart and emotion" dont you have anything else in your life with heart and emotion besides movies. do you go to movies to fill that need? "Something like ET you watch and it stays with you all your life." how old where you when you saw that movie? because if you were a kid, of course it stays with you because it was designed for kids. and if your investing a lot into an art form, than you should know better than to go into a movie called transformers and expect anything emotional.

  • July 3, 2007, 10:37 p.m. CST

    Strap on your bloatation devices!!

    by shartron

    I just returned from this special event blockbuster summer popcornfest. Some of the worst writing I've heard on the screen in a while. I was rooting for this movie when it first was showing in the 80-85% range on RT. Then it dropped quickly. I'm actually kind of sad that this sucked. I was 13 when Transformers first appeared on TV, so you can guess what affect it had on me. It was pretty sweet at the time and the toys were imaginative. Anyway, fuck Bumblebee pissing, fuck the cardboard cutout characters, fuck the chihuahua, fuck the car commercial, fuck the racist breakdancing, "my bad", phone operator, Mountain Dew, gibberish Soundwave walking stick robot bullshit! Bring James Cameron in for the sequel. He knows how to film action without making me want to vomit!

  • July 3, 2007, 10:37 p.m. CST

    Well said

    by tormys

    Well said ganymede3010!!!

  • July 3, 2007, 10:39 p.m. CST

    BadMrWonka - but even if this

    by pjdon

    film could be done better, which it could, i still want Bay films. I want something to laugh at with my mates.<p>Playing the Bay drinking game (one shot for a slow motion U.S flag etc) is the most fun you can have.

  • July 3, 2007, 10:42 p.m. CST

    At this point, what are the chances that something

    by superninja

    Hollywood produces WILL NOT suck? I would say you could put odds on that, easy. I mean, how hard is it to tell the Silver Surfer story, the origin of Darth Vader, or the Death of Gwen Stacy, yet....HOLLYWOOD MAKES IT SEEM IMPOSSIBLE.

  • July 3, 2007, 10:43 p.m. CST

    THANK YOU VERN!

    by longevitymonk

    I haven’t even gotten half way through your review, but you hit it on the head. I loved the action, the effects were spectacular, but anyone who has ever watched the show knows its all about the Autobots and Decepticons...not the stupid fucking people! The people are a side note, riding inside of the transformers as all of the drama unfolds within the circle of robots. There was not enough robot dialogue or character development...in fact what we got was just a tease. I would have liked the Autobots and Decepticons to look a little different from each other and be more brightly colored so you can easily tell them apart. Each transformer has its own voice and distinct personality, so when one dies it’s a BIG deal....I fucking love JAZZ. I also have to mention that I love shaky cam, Saving Private Ryan is such a treat, but every time we see the Autobots the camera shakes, annoying! Where were the majestic John Woo style flying in air, lasers firing at 25 times a second shots? Where were the amazing kung fu style combat moves and regal look at how hot my robot body armor poses? This could have been the best movie ever made, EVER...had it been 75 percent robots and 25 percent people, and if Bay had steadied the cam now and again to give us some much needed heroic posturing and display the beauty and enormity of these robots. If only Woo Ping had directed the fight scene between Megatron and Optimus! If only the robots had been shot transforming in mid-air in a more fluid, beautiful, cinematic fashion. If only it had been directed by someone who understands the epic scope of Cybertron, or the importance of emotional content for these magnificent titans we call Transformers. I mourn for the movie that could have been. Please, if you haven’t seen Transformer the movie 1986 (With Judd nelson!!), in a long time, check it out. If Bay had just recreated this film shot for shot, we would all be so happy. DAMN YOU MICHAEL BAY!

  • July 3, 2007, 10:43 p.m. CST

    I think all of you who like this movie know a

    by superninja

    better movie could've been made. There is, in fact, no doubt in my mind this is the case. The rest of the summer was so painfully inept it makes this movie refreshing.

  • July 3, 2007, 10:43 p.m. CST

    The hardcore TF fans from old

    by Silverglade

    Did many of those with negative reviews, are they old-school TF fans from the 80's who feel this movie let them down? I knew nothing about TF going into this, other that what previews had shown me. I admit I enjoyed it but I had no idea what to expect of it. But your complaints sound sensible enough and are making me analyze it. Regarding Vern's suggestion to post what people found in the film worthy of being passionate about, that is a tough question from a single viewing but I just know I was thrilled the entire time. It was an adrenaline rush and I just had a lot of fun. The theater crowd where I saw it all stood up and cheered when it ended and stayed for the credits. I kept replaying some of those Starscream (the jet) scenes in my head, holy crap that was just geeky fun to witness. The only things I know I did not like were Shia's friend climbing the tree to hang upside down... ok... and the SecDef running around with a shotgun with no secret service guards or anything. Bah, it's the little things I nitpick.

  • July 3, 2007, 10:44 p.m. CST

    Alpha Trion - i don't expect anything more

    by pjdon

    when i see a film like TF. But a film like ET is a classic peice of art, it will be talked about in 50 yrs time. There is nothing wrong with being into or even obsessive about an art form.<p>My life is full of emotion, i will be a dad too in about three weeks, but i will always love film. I still find it quite insulting that you downplay something i am passionate about.<p>Why would you suppose that because i go to some movies to be challenged or emotionally effected that there is anything missing from my life?

  • July 3, 2007, 10:44 p.m. CST

    This movie had ONE GOOD THING ABOUT IT!

    by batzilla

    and that was a preview to some kick ass looking sci-fi flick thats coming out Jan 18. What the fuck was it? They didnt say the name! Anyone know??? Anywho-Transformers sucked ass! Michael Bay is an asshole.

  • July 3, 2007, 10:44 p.m. CST

    the real winners

    by Alpha Trion

    are the people who made this movie because not only did i give them my money today but im going back tommorow with friends and their kids and were going to give michael bay and steven speilberg even more money for bringing transformers to life. I was 10 when i started reading transformers comics and watching theshow and playing with the toys. By the age of 12 I was into girls and music and now im a happy family man with a succesful music career. I got exactly what i needed from the movie and now i can go back to my real world while the rest of you gripe and complain the night away about wanting more to live for from their local theatre.

  • July 3, 2007, 10:46 p.m. CST

    shartron

    by longevitymonk

    Thank you, thank you, thank you. I'm so glad I'm not alone in feeling that! Fuck bumbblebee's kill bill moment...FUCK IT WITH A MEGATRON SIZED DILDO MADE OF OLD CHEESE. FUCK YOU MICHAEL BAY!!! You god damned ass clown.

  • July 3, 2007, 10:46 p.m. CST

    Adrenaline is caused by overstimulation.

    by superninja

    Classic Mike Bay.

  • July 3, 2007, 10:47 p.m. CST

    Alpha Trion - also there are plenty of films

    by pjdon

    i saw as a kid that didn't stick with me.<p>I go to the cinema and see kids enjoying FF:ROTSS but i know it won't be timeless, they won't look back on it as an important moment in their childhood.<p>Films like ET or Starwars stay with you forever because they are great films. Even though as a kid you kind of enjoy anything the important ones do stick with you and when you get older you realise why.

  • July 3, 2007, 10:49 p.m. CST

    People do go to the movies because they want

    by superninja

    to feel something. People like stories, they like ideas that are communicated. It can be a window to imagination, or it can be pure junkfood.

  • July 3, 2007, 10:50 p.m. CST

    Pearls to swine, Vern. Pearls to swine.

    by Gilkuliehe

    You're right when you say there's hardly any real discussion about the movie on this talkback. Still, I would also like to know what Spielberg thinks of this movie. From the trailers I honestly thought it was sort of de-Bayified and I was sure that was thanks to the Spielbergo... Bummer. Great work as always, man.

  • July 3, 2007, 10:50 p.m. CST

    pjdon

    by Alpha Trion

    because you are passionate about something very shallow. Im actually not defending transformers as an important film. Im defending its ability to entertain without shoving emotional drama and meaningful insight down our throats. Your passionate about a movie about robots and war. it seems silly.

  • July 3, 2007, 10:50 p.m. CST

    That's what I'm talking about.

    by tormys

    damn Alpha Trion I was thinking the same thing. After I got done watching it I knew I was going to be coming back in a day or two to watch it again.

  • July 3, 2007, 10:51 p.m. CST

    Vern needs an editor...

    by TheRealSeveren

    Just a review would be nice, man; not an opus. By the way, I respect all of you.

  • July 3, 2007, 10:51 p.m. CST

    Film is not shallow. It's a form of communication.

    by superninja

    It has a lot of influence, it's actually very important. Garbage in, garbage out.

  • July 3, 2007, 10:52 p.m. CST

    Go Bots the Movie: Director Simon West!!!!!

    by Stormwatcher

    Yup you heard it here first. Writer: Kevin Smith. Kid Star: Jake Lloyd Army Crew: Stars of Supernatural Computer pro: Cedric the Entertainer Executive Producer: Paul WS Anderson! BOOM! You know you'd watch it!

  • July 3, 2007, 10:53 p.m. CST

    Alpha Trion - do you have an interest in music because

    by pjdon

    something is missing from your life? <p>I will prob hand over a chunk of change to Bay and co, i too just want to see this movie for pure and simple entertainment.<p>I for one think movies like this can exsist alongside more intelligent films like ET etc and even more intelligent films like London to Brighton. People who love transformers should be upset that this couldn't have been something more, it could have been entertaining and intelligent like King Kong but i don't have a great passion for transformers so i'm happy with this being my bi-anual dose of Bay crap.

  • July 3, 2007, 10:54 p.m. CST

    It's not really about the cartoon. It's about the

    by superninja

    ideas presented in the cartoon when it comes down to it. It's about Optimus Prime being the kind of guy you look up to - like Superman used to be. It's about self-sacrifice and being brave and all the sorts of things people mock nowadays. Which is why this film never tried to be serious to begin with. Man of the reviewers mocked Prime in this movie, which I expected.

  • July 3, 2007, 10:55 p.m. CST

    what?

    by Alpha Trion

    Films like ET or Starwars stay with you forever because they are great films. no theyre not. its about right time, right place. Movies makers are modern day illusionists. speilberg is one ofthebest and thats all star wars and et did was take you out of realtiy for a couple of hours. These are not important films. Children of men is an important film. fight club is an important film. Kids movies are not. They only are to the kids who watch them when they are still impressionable. thats why Transformers was a good movie. it was an edgy kids flick. it didnt try to be anything else.

  • July 3, 2007, 10:56 p.m. CST

    MrFire

    by Sir Loin

    You are comparing TRANSFORMERS to STAR WARS? Dude, lay off the weed. STAR WARS had a plot and characters that people actually cared about. Plus it rebooted the notion of a summer "blockbuster." TRANNYFOMRERS does not compare and you're a sad, Xbox'd/Playstation'd fool for believing it does. Someday you'll discover the true classics and wonder WTF you were doing comparing TRANSFORMERS to STAR WARS. Egads, man.

  • July 3, 2007, 10:56 p.m. CST

    That is what I think was lost in translation here

    by superninja

    more than anything. An opportunity to present Prime, Bumblebee and the others again to a young audience without sacrificing anything. To find a way to make them wonderful without going for cheapness like piss jokes and flames.

  • July 3, 2007, 10:56 p.m. CST

    Yeah, don't go see it. Please.

    by kintar0

    Stay at home if giant robots fighting each other and shit blowing up doesn't sound good to you. Do us all a favor and you can feel great about yourself and keep on telling everyone you don't watch television.

  • July 3, 2007, 10:59 p.m. CST

    Sir Loin

    by longevitymonk

    Your right, Transformers does not compare to Star Wars....that is why I mourn this movie, it could have.

  • July 3, 2007, 10:59 p.m. CST

    uhhhh

    by tormys

    superninja...they were freakin toys not biblical icons...what is wrong with you guys.

  • July 3, 2007, 10:59 p.m. CST

    Alpha Trion - i did not say i'm

    by pjdon

    passionate about TF, but I am passionate about film in general.<p>I'd assume you are passionate about music but that doesn't mean you are passionate about Linkin Park does it (sorry if you are)?<p>But movies are my drug, i love the art, i love the drama, the asthetics, every aspect. I love the industry, i love the nasty elements of it, i love the process of how films get made, how studios try and find a formula through market research to try and make money ('well our surveys say people don't like monkeys'). I love the whole world of film for better or worse. <p>I wouldn't be happy if it was all good films and nice people making perfect movies. That would take some of the fun away.

  • July 3, 2007, 10:59 p.m. CST

    So what Vern is saying is

    by red_weed

    "an awe-inspiringly awful mess from start to finish, with no good characters, no sense of tension or drama, an asinine plot, badly told, full of constant, annoying attempts at humor, muddled action sequences and effects that hurt your brain trying to look at them" My friend and I saw the original movie before we went to see the new one, as i had never really seen much transformers as a kid. I think that paragraph perfectly describes my feelings towards it. Fans of the original transformers don't deserve to have as good a movie as Michael Bay has made for them out of the beloved franchise. I'm no Michael Bay fan but I agree with Moriarty, and the movie, which I have seen twice now, was funny and entertaining and I loved every minute of it without leaving my brain at the door. Watch this again in 10 years time without all the hype and expectations and you might like it a little more. But if you're gonna go into the movie with such a predetermination to hate it, like some of muy firends did then i don't think it would matter if Michael Bay had made all 3 LOTR, you'd still hate it and call it shit.

  • July 3, 2007, 11 p.m. CST

    tormys

    by longevitymonk

    Yeah, so was the Jedi remember?

  • July 3, 2007, 11 p.m. CST

    You motherfuckers

    by cr0w

    shit your pants and jerk off while doing it over Hostel 2, but sit here and insult Transformers for being exactly what everyone with half a God damned brain thought it was going to be? Jesus fucking Christ.

  • July 3, 2007, 11:01 p.m. CST

    tormys, a character is a character and a story

    by superninja

    is a story. Lots of things are based on Biblical characters or stories, or whatever. Your point falls flat.

  • July 3, 2007, 11:01 p.m. CST

    JaggedSac

    by Vern

    The answer is that you're talking about apples and oranges. I have an unhealthy fascination with DTV sequels. I think they're funny partly because they are so crass. I think they usually waste an opportunity to have fun with a low budget cash-in. The two you mentioned are not good movies, and both instantly forgettable, and I said as much in the reviews. But I also said that as far as that kind of crap goes, they have their moments. Not as bad as the WILD THINGS sequels, not as good as the FROM DUSK TILL DAWNs.<p> TRANSFORMERS on the other hand is a $150 million (or whatever) mega-hyped movie which my colleagues here are calling a mindblowing spectacle and great summer entertainment and special effects breakthrough and a great time at the movies. If I kind of disagreed with them I wouldn't have posted my review here. But since I happen to think this is one of the most bizarrely horrible movies I've seen in years and represents most of the weaknesses of modern commercial movies, I had to let it loose. And the fact that people here honestly can't see the difference between TRANSFORMERS and STAR WARS makes me want to jump out a fuckin window. STRIVE FOR EXCELLENCE, people. I like movies with substance, I like movies with heart, but I don't always need those things. I just want good execution! There is such a thing as knowing how to tell a story. Spielberg didn't become Spielberg just by having substance and heart, people initially loved him because he knew how to thrill you with a series of images. There's a difference between DUEL and a ball of car parts rolling down a hill. If you can't see that I don't know why you bother to discuss movies, you should just agree that all movies are great. If I am a loser for wanting TRANSFORMERS to be well made as AlphaTrion says, that means you must be a loser too for not wanting to watch a Kevin Sorbo movie. Because anyone who wants quality in our art and culture is a nerd. They need to stop having opinions and start squirting out kids everywhere and teaching them to hate other people for being passionate about movies.<p> I hope that answers your question, thanks JaggedSac.

  • July 3, 2007, 11:01 p.m. CST

    longevitymonk

    by tormys

    exactly. These characters didn't raise me and empart the wisdom of the ages to me. They were characters, or toys or whatever i played with or watched when I was a child. That's all. Not that serious.

  • July 3, 2007, 11:02 p.m. CST

    Ratatouille is about a rat that wants to be a chef.

    by superninja

    It's probably better than this movie. Story, character, plot. That's what matters, not the window dressing.

  • July 3, 2007, 11:02 p.m. CST

    pjdon

    by Alpha Trion

    I dont understand how having an interest in music means something is missing in my life? I dont just have an interest, i create music. Instead of just listening and criticizing it I get involved. it pays my bills and feeds my family. its not a passing interest that i devote myself to without any reward. the only reason why im arguing with you is thefact that youkeep refering to e.t. as a classic. and while many here will disagree with me, i believeit is not a classic. its a kids movie and when you take your kid to the movie you will understand thats its not as important as you once thought. trust me, i was just like you before. after three boys, the world of movies is not as fantastic of a place as i thought it was. Transformers is perfect entertainment in this regard.

  • July 3, 2007, 11:03 p.m. CST

    crOw

    by BadMrWonka

    unfortunately anyone with BOTH halves of their brain thought this movie was horrendous...

  • July 3, 2007, 11:03 p.m. CST

    Ah, Vern, the Matrix

    by 'Cholera's Ghost

    I'm suddenly overcome with nostalgia. Has it really been 10 years? Why, to think that back then, The Spice Girls were at the height of their feminine power, some people were still optimistic about global warming, we couldn't imagine New York's skyline changing overnight, and the biggest worry I had in life was how I was going to get laid at the next house party....[tear]

  • July 3, 2007, 11:03 p.m. CST

    kintar0

    by Sir Loin

    You are assuming we'd like to see a movie about giant robots fighting each other directed by a REAL DIRECTOR who didn't rely on circular tracking shots and cheap attempts at slow-motion humor. Consider your shallow summer-filmgoing experience FILLED by Mr. Bay! (now suckle at his teat)

  • July 3, 2007, 11:04 p.m. CST

    Raiders of the Lost Arc is looking like Citizen Kane

    by scratcher

    Remember when Raiders was Spielberg and Lucas allowing film to be fun again? Who knew that it would lead to a long slide down a slippery slope? GREAT REVIEW as always Vern. And I love reading your responses in the TB.

  • July 3, 2007, 11:04 p.m. CST

    Alpha Trion - you obviously are not

    by pjdon

    really a film lover if you don't think ET and Starwars are good films.<p>Just because Fight Club and Children of Men (both of which are great) have deep messages within the story does not make them more improtant films.<p>A film is defined by how well it is made not by how important the subject matter is.<p>ET has no real message hidden under the surface, it is a perfectly structured film about a boys friendship with an alien.<p>You can have a film with the deepst meaning in the world but it does not make it a good film.

  • July 3, 2007, 11:04 p.m. CST

    2/3 of it was great!

    by lost.rules

    It all goes down hill when sector 7 shows up. Oh, well. Still, I had good time. Can't wait for Harry Potter! Oh, and the obligatory, DAMN YOU MICHAEL BAY!!!!!!!

  • July 3, 2007, 11:04 p.m. CST

    One bad review on this site isn't too bad.

    by Big Dick

    They still got your money Vern.

  • July 3, 2007, 11:05 p.m. CST

    scratcher - no joke! It is Citizen Kane by comparison.

    by superninja

    <>

  • July 3, 2007, 11:06 p.m. CST

    True Story - I talked to Optimus Prime once...

    by Alonzo Mosely

    Not the giant robot, but the soldier in Iraq who changed his name at age 30... Really that is all I got, I managed to avoid the whole transformer thing when I was a kid... But I have had a conversation with a man named after a cartoon character, and by god I didn't mock him in any way, because I am that fucking professional... Also the people who made Snakes on a Train have already made Transmorphers, so maybe people should rent that instead...

  • July 3, 2007, 11:07 p.m. CST

    re: superninja

    by Sir Loin

    "Story, character, plot." EXACTLY. Mr. Bay understands neither of those, ergo Vern's excellent and accurate review.

  • July 3, 2007, 11:07 p.m. CST

    The main problem with this movie..

    by Dotren

    .. is not actually the movie itself but the fact that its based on source material that people have grown attached to over the years. Its Star Wars all over again. We all remember having such an awesome time watching the original source material that we forget that, at the time, we were too young to realize how silly and corny it all was. I've rewatched some of the original cartoon and realized all the robots did was shoot lazers, punch each other and wrestle around, and deliver painful one liners. They had a relationship with the humans, sure, but the humans were one-dimensional goody goods with no real life problems. Thats not to say this movie doesn't have its own problems as far as story/directing/acting/etc but anyone who walked into this hoping for Lord of the Rings caliber material picked the wrong movie. I actually liked Armageddon and The Rock and I think Transformers rocked. I walked into those expecting to be entertained.. a few laughs, some storyline that would carry through the movie, some interesting characters, and some action.. all of those movies had that, imo at least.

  • July 3, 2007, 11:08 p.m. CST

    Once again I have to say I'm amazed this movie exists

    by kikuchiyoboy

    at all. <br> <br> I'm amazed at the outrage this movie is recieving. I'm a HUGE 80's fan of the original Transformers, but enjoyed this version. It just seemd to touch the goofy little kid in me. <br> <br> I liked the fact that it didn't shy away from the fact the movie is simply about robot meals. It's like "Conan The Barbarian and The Search For the Ultimate Hoagie". It really is. <br> <br> But I think that's why I enjoyed it. It was like when you got together with your friends back in the day. You'd all bring your Transformers and battle it out. Just pure mayhem and goofy fun. That's what Transformers was to me. <br> <br> I just wished that Bay would friggen do at least 3 wide shots. All I ask is to get my bearings straight and a little perspective. There were sooo many scenes that were close to being iconic and epic, but it just falls short. Like the scene on the highway where Optimus puts on the brakes and transforms to battle rollerblade dude. That should have been awesome. But as soon as they fell off the bridge you get lost. Next thing ya know a robot head is spinning in the air. What happened? That should have been the "Optimus is the shit" moment. But it felt shorthand. In fact the hole movie felt like cliffnotes to the epic that was partially there. <br> <br> Unlike to most people the story didn't bother me at all. I liked how cartoony it felt. There was something charming about that. I just didn't like the Gen x Autobots. Why is Jazz breakdancing? Because his name is Jazz? In which real jazz has nothing to do with breakdancing. But Optimus was wonderfully designed and his character remained wonderfully dignified. Even with his little jokes. Starscream kicked ass and I hope it leads to a wonderful character in the sequel. <br> <br> I thought the designs were fine, but we just need better geography. It just comes down to letting the audience really absorb the characters and it's surrounding environment. It should have been a four out five star film. But it just missed the mark. It's a 3 star film. <br> <br> Vern gave a wonderful review it's just I see it the other way. I actually like it's cartoony feel. It reminds me of the goofy kid inside. It reminds me not all things needed to be grounded. It just missed the mark of being epic. Vern's review can be summed up with what he said about the flipping robot. I'm still not sure which bad/good Transformer the hell that was. But they were nooks and crannies of goodness. The shot of Optimus falling toward the building from the point of view from inside an office was pretty damn cool. <br> <br> In the sequel I just hope they let us soak in the environment and dissapear into this world of whimsy. I'm happy Bay got this out of his system. He shot it as if this may be his only chance of getting the giant robot battle on screen. Now he can take a breather and develope this world with a little more finesse. <br> <br> By the way great review Vern, but I just don't see it that way.

  • July 3, 2007, 11:08 p.m. CST

    ATTN: tormys COMMANDMENT #1...

    by TheRealSeveren

    Thou shalt not urinate on the Transformers...

  • July 3, 2007, 11:08 p.m. CST

    Thank you Vern.

    by Lucasblows

    It's about time someone said it. This sucked. I feel suckered in by Moriarty's review. And Harry's was too polite. It's about time someone said how badly this sucked ass like only Michael Bay movies can suck ass.

  • July 3, 2007, 11:09 p.m. CST

    pj

    by Alpha Trion

    A film is defined by how well it is made not by how important the subject matter is - star wars had a lousy script and bad acting. The only thing that was done well was the special effects and what do you know? the best thing about transformers was the special effects. e.t. actually had a good story with good acting, but i never believed in the alien. and i was a young kid when i saw it. it was always a puppet and therefore did not stand the test of time. whereas a human made gollum and davey jones believable, some dudes hand in a rubber suit does not.

  • July 3, 2007, 11:10 p.m. CST

    If you want meaningful, heartfelt, and well acted...

    by lost.rules

    Go watch Evening. Ugghh. That movie is abomination against God. Transformers is just a guilty pleasure.

  • July 3, 2007, 11:10 p.m. CST

    VERN!!!

    by TheRealSeveren

    Why are you trying to have an intelligent conversation with someone named JaggedSac?

  • July 3, 2007, 11:11 p.m. CST

    ET seemed real to me and so did Yoda.

    by superninja

    Star Wars did have good characters and a good story, especially compared to sci-fi fantasy films today.

  • July 3, 2007, 11:11 p.m. CST

    tormys, indeed

    by longevitymonk

    It's true, it should not be that serious. Without attacking religion I'd like to say that I think Star Wars, Transformers and LOTR are just like the bible. Stories to entertain us and give us hope in a time of darkness. We are living in a terrible time of darkness now, war and pain, corruption and greed. I chose to live in a world where giant robots protect mankind, and kung fu pandas teach us about truth and self preservation. Its no different than worshiping anything (or anyone) else.

  • July 3, 2007, 11:11 p.m. CST

    Understandable

    by JaggedSac

    Thanks for the reply. Just wondering where you were coming from and now I see it. I would like for a Halo movie to be made(Jackson said there was still a possiblity if Halo 3 makes huge bank when it is released) because a bigger Halo fan there is none(I have logged an ungodly amount of time on Halo 2 on XBox Live) even though I know it will probably not live up to my expectations. I still want it made jsut to see it in live action. I just don't agree that TF is the unmitigated disaster that you said. Instantly forgettable but not horrible. I also think that the budget should not come into play when reviewing a movie. If anything the budget can hurt a movie because the more the budget the more scheduling and organizationally skilled people are needed with more things likely not coming together as needed. It would be better for the industry as a whole to lower budgets(Russian movies seem to have good special effects for a fraction of the cost of Hollywood movies)but will probably never happen. Sorry Vern if I seemed like an ass. Stick to your guns.

  • July 3, 2007, 11:12 p.m. CST

    Raiders = Citizen

    by 'Cholera's Ghost

    Maybe the saturation of serious films prior to RoTLA, having an inevitable effect on the filmmakers, lent Raiders an amount of osmotic substance/gravitas that has been since hard to match, with that film being at the peak of the slippery slope into dumbed down mayhem. Just a passing thought. Some film student--go write a paper on it.

  • July 3, 2007, 11:12 p.m. CST

    Oh shit, I forgot about the KILL BILL part!

    by Vern

    I agree that my review was too long, but man it didn't even scratch the surface on this movie.

  • July 3, 2007, 11:13 p.m. CST

    Can I give you a BLOW JOB.

    by Redfive!

    Finally someone who fucken nails this piece of shit to the T. I went in a G1 transformers fan expecting it to be a surprise,shit everyone loves it.Now I know I dont releate to the human race at all.

  • July 3, 2007, 11:13 p.m. CST

    Alpha Trion - Why should the age

    by pjdon

    group a film is aimed at matter?<p>I can think of a million R rated films which put together are not half as intelligent or well made as something like Finding Nemo.<p>To only view a piece of art based on the surface is missing the point mate. Vern mentions Duel up above.<p>It has no meaning, no depth, but it is a perfectly structured piece of film.<p>You love music I assume? Well does a song have to have intelligent lyrics to be a masterpiece? No, lyrics are just the surface, the art is in the structure, the timing, the composition.<p>ET is a kids film but it is a perfectly made kids film, it still works when i watch it.<p>FF is a bad kids film, only a kid could really be entertained by it. That is the difference, a film like ET transends it's genre.<p>Just because you choose music over film in your life does not make it more important.

  • July 3, 2007, 11:13 p.m. CST

    john tutorro's beret

    by Jepprox85

    only part that kept pissing me off was that all the military people except tyrese were wearing their berets as if they were head condoms as opposed to how someone in the military would really wear one. Minor problem but annoying none the less

  • July 3, 2007, 11:13 p.m. CST

    superninja

    by Alpha Trion

    seriously? havent you seen the documentaries about star wars that shows you all the mythos that lucas ripped off to create it? Lucas is a rip off artist. Only one star wars movie was good and it was the one that tried to be original and different in its genre. Empire was the only SW movie to not be ruined by Lucas idea of film which is shit.

  • July 3, 2007, 11:15 p.m. CST

    Allow me to sum it up for you, Vern.

    by Fridge

    Most people here don't have any actual reason for disliking this movie. Maybe they didn't like some of Bay's past work so they automatically hate this. Sure, it "takes balls" to say you dislike something when the majority begs to differ, but it takes much larger balls to say you were wrong. I'm not saying you personally are wrong in your opinion, but I'm willing to bet a large amount of people who bashed the movie ahead of time liked it but are now jumping on the "I hate Bay" bandwagon because they don't want to admit that they were wrong beforehand. The people who are going "OMG UR SO TOTLY RITE I LUV U" would seem to be the aforementioned demographic, not to mention a bunch of ass-kissers. As for sucking Hollywood's dick, maybe I should say "a select few of Hollywood's elite" rather than all of Hollywood. I scoffed at the notion when people started saying stupid shit like "AICN is being payed to write good reviews for bad movies" or whatever. But it would seem it's hard to get a good review for your movie on this site if your not BFF's with a member of the staff. I still want to read your Transformers review, though, especially after reading that "I hate you, Bay" letter you just wrote. Maybe when you write it you could insult less of your readers by, oh, I dunno...not saying things like "Society is on the brink of collapse if you liked this movie." If you're going to say things like that then you might as well just come out with it and say "You're a fucking moron if you liked this shit."

  • July 3, 2007, 11:15 p.m. CST

    No fucking way...

    by mr. brownstone

    I was just saying to my lady how it's too bad we would never see a Vern review of this movie! Now I'm gonna go read it.

  • July 3, 2007, 11:16 p.m. CST

    Post modernism hadn't run its course yet.

    by superninja

    People were still telling honest stories about the human condition, still trying to outdo the Hollywood epics, not happily wallowing in the mundane and being annoyingly self-aware.

  • July 3, 2007, 11:17 p.m. CST

    Alpha Trion, stop trying to speak for "regular guys"

    by oceanic86

    I love when idiots try to speak for "real men" or whatever. That's what they fall back on whenever someone points out that they willingly consume garbage. "Well, REAL MEN like it, so you must be some sort of 14 year-old virgin gaylord poop-pants!"<p> Like if you don't plunk down 10 dollars on any frivolous explosion-y action movie, you must be some kind of ninny. <p>I should add, I can't speak for Transformers, it's always just looked mind-numbing to me, but reading all the "regular guys'" poorly worded & spelled reactions to Vern's negative review, I'll probably just rent it somewhere along the road for the camp factor.

  • July 3, 2007, 11:18 p.m. CST

    Who isn't a rip off artist? It's all the same

    by superninja

    repackaged stories, man. All that matters is telling it right. Lucas was smart enough to go to the well.

  • July 3, 2007, 11:18 p.m. CST

    Alpha Trion - the s=best thing about

    by pjdon

    starwars is the structure of the story, the way it takes you along on an adventure.<p>You can have the greatest acting, effects and story concept in the world but that does not make a good film. The way a film interacts with an audience and is structured and conveys emotions in the audience is what matters.<p>ET works because it filled you with wonder, it made you cry, it made you angry when the government came along.

  • July 3, 2007, 11:19 p.m. CST

    TheRealSeveren

    by tormys

    dude I put firecrackers and all kinda shit in my transformers when I was a kid.

  • July 3, 2007, 11:19 p.m. CST

    We are not all guys

    by longevitymonk

    I played with my transformers along with my, my little ponies...Cotton Candy Lashes always had a thing for Sound Wave...

  • July 3, 2007, 11:20 p.m. CST

    Beats EMOSpidey 3 to death...

    by Boober

    So much crying and character-assassination in that movie that it made it ludicrous (since when is sandman King Kong and since when do they peform molecular recombination experiments in open pits in the middle of New York?)...great as a marketing exercise but horrid as a movie. TF crushed it.

  • July 3, 2007, 11:20 p.m. CST

    Lucas screwed up because he tried to tell some

    by superninja

    boring political diatribe instead of telling the fall of Camelot or stealing from Hamlet.

  • July 3, 2007, 11:20 p.m. CST

    Vern, by chance have you read...

    by fight this generation

    the essay written by one of Bay's film Professors at Wesleyan University, Jeanine Basinger, for the Criterion release of ARMAGEDDON? I'm no Bay stan, but I figure "know your enemy" and all that, and since the arguments and justifications proffered by the Bay-backers I come across somehow ring even less than hollow, I figured I'd chance a supposed "intellectual" p.o.v, hoping maybe some highfalutin uptown snooty pants might prove enlightening...<br> <br> http://tinyurl.com/2s82cm <br> <br> now, I'm not sure that's the entire essay, 'cuz it just kinda ends, doesn't it? I'm mean, if I had to grade that, C+, tops. Better than average, but only just so.<br> <br> And you know what? Despite a few $5.00 words to impress the obviously perplexed Criterion crowd, no doubt baffled that of all the films that deserve the glorious Criterion DVD treatment some pencil-pusher picked ARMAGEDDON, and despite the at times grudgingly earned respect for pointing out something I didn't consider, it reads A LOT like the nonsensical defense most Bay-holics trot out and then proceed to flog. Just wondering if you've read it and what your take on her reasoning is...<br> <br> p.s. - I'm not gay, but you can lick my balls while I get my knob polished. You started off pretty darn great, but damn if your writing hasn't improved over time, constantly honing your ever evolving shtick (for lack of a better word, and I write it with love) into a distinct personality and world view that is unique, honest and fucking hysterical. You set the bar pretty fucking high for the rest of us interblag filmatic critics, and for that you deserve...well, I dunno, but thanks anyway.

  • July 3, 2007, 11:21 p.m. CST

    But the government only had walkies. =)

    by kikuchiyoboy

    Seriously though. ET is a great movie in general. It really captures that awe and wonder of being a child. Just simply brilliant.

  • July 3, 2007, 11:22 p.m. CST

    I didn't like the film either , heres my review

    by RubenDaniel

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kk2hSuLmxYE

  • July 3, 2007, 11:22 p.m. CST

    superninja - exactly...

    by pjdon

    what Alpha Trion doesn't realise is that the basic plot,/story/concept of a film is just the coating.<p>You could have the most original intelligent thought provoking concept in the world and if it is not pulled off ight it makes a shit film.<p>Wheras you can take a story that has been told a million times with no meaning or depth and make a perfect film out of it.

  • July 3, 2007, 11:22 p.m. CST

    Boober, Spidey3 sucked and I bet TF is better than it.

    by superninja

    I also bet it's better than POTC3 and the Shrek crap. Not that that makes it a good movie or anything.

  • July 3, 2007, 11:22 p.m. CST

    What could have been...

    by shartron

    Just think how badass this would have been as an R rated film. Just to watch the Decepticons wreak havoc on the puny humans could have been epic. Instead we get Megatron flicking someone into a car. He and Starscream should have been onscreen a lot earlier. They were actually interesting. Maybe Megatron will accidentally "resurface" in the sequel. The ocean's only so deep.

  • July 3, 2007, 11:22 p.m. CST

    pjdonn

    by Alpha Trion

    "Why should the age group a film is aimed at matter?" "FF is a bad kids film, only a kid could really be entertained by it." you answered your own question. Are you telling me you could have an intellectual conversation with a 8 year old? 12 year old? 16 year old? the lack of life experience makes for a very shallow conversation. and as entertainment, music is more spiritual than movies. Movies are magic. behind the magic is just a bunch of people who know how (or not know how)to trick their audience. Putting so much energy (negative or positive) on films like e.t., star wars and transformers is a little shallow. Hell, im only on here right now becauseafter seeing transformers i dont feel likebeingentertained byanything else so might as well talk about it. Honestly though, unless your an aspiring writer, director or actor, the truth is your just a spectator which is why i cant agree with your passion for something more out of these types of movies.

  • July 3, 2007, 11:23 p.m. CST

    I was wrong. I'm eating crow.

    by lost.rules

    I was putting this movie down in the TBs for months. Mainly, because Michael Bay is a ASSCLOWN, and I hate him. But this movie is good. It is enjoyable. I can't deny that. Vern, this isn't the Michael Bay movie that you should be fighting against. That would be Armageddon, or Pearl Harbor. Both of those movies should be completely destroyed! Seriously, Let's make bon fires of the DVDs and all the film negatives. Who's with me?

  • July 3, 2007, 11:24 p.m. CST

    Lucas is a brilliant ideas guy. He just shouldn't be

    by superninja

    allowed to execute his own ideas.

  • July 3, 2007, 11:24 p.m. CST

    pjdon

    by tormys

    brother i was kinda with you but you are getting waaaay too serious about a 2 hour movie. It's not meant to teach you anything. Just go sit down and have a good time. it's a movie. not real life.

  • July 3, 2007, 11:25 p.m. CST

    Pjdon

    by Kanossssss

    People like different films for different reasons. Some people don't like to be challenged by the things that you think are important. Does it make their enjoyment/distaste any less palpable?.<BR> There is obviously a market for the crap DTV stuff that vern likes. If there weren't they wouldn't make them. I'm not dissing his choices there, as I also like to watch crap occasionally. But there is a subsection of people in this world who like these films for a different reason. It aint all about structure.

  • July 3, 2007, 11:25 p.m. CST

    pjdon actually wants to see the film. He is just

    by superninja

    talking about film in general.

  • July 3, 2007, 11:27 p.m. CST

    local city-wide reviewer is TRANNY'D by the effects

    by Sir Loin

    Here in Phoenix, the local film reviewer for radio station 103.9 ("The Edge") gave it 4/5 stars for the EFFECTS. "Best effects I'v ever seen!" Plot? Characters? Who cares? I hate the MySpace generational attention span.

  • July 3, 2007, 11:28 p.m. CST

    oceanic86

    by Alpha Trion

    Im not a regular guy. I cantstand people like michael bay. I dont like cars, im not that big on explosions. I like art and i like art that makes you question what you believe is right. and pjdonn and superninja dont realize that it IS the story and how the actors, directors and writers communicate it to you that makes a film great or not. The only reason why star wars and e.t. did well is because its a familiar story that works every time. there is nothing great about retelling someone elses idea. Transformers is not thesame old story and that is why i liked it.

  • July 3, 2007, 11:29 p.m. CST

    ATTN: tormys

    by TheRealSeveren

    Is Marc Savlov your true identity?

  • July 3, 2007, 11:29 p.m. CST

    what about the From Dusk til Dawn ripoff?!?!

    by BadMrWonka

    interrupting the guy counting down to show how tough you are? <p>fuck that.

  • July 3, 2007, 11:30 p.m. CST

    What the fuck happened to this TB

    by tile_mcgillus

    I come back and Alpha Trion says that E.T and SW are not great movies. Holy fucking Moses. That is one of many inane and just fucking dumb things that motherfucker has said. Please stop man. What is next man? Are you going to start advocating anorexia as the only way to diet. Just dumb fucking shit. Where are you coming from...

  • July 3, 2007, 11:30 p.m. CST

    Here's a concept

    by Gfinger

    Seems to me Moriarty, Quint etc dont have any connection to the old school mythology that encompases the Transformers. Ok, Here are the negatives... charachter development and story = Crap. The bots were perfect! I have been collecting comics since the origional Kirby incarnation of OMAC and I have got to say that sitting in the theatre last night i was not only transfixed by the hyperkinetic images on the screen but i was damn near in tears beacuse of the homage paid to the source material. Granted you can equate the flames/lips on optimus to the nipples on Batman but overall this was the movie I had hoped for and wished for since I was 8 and playing with the first gen toys. Yes Anthony Anderson and the random hot Australian chick were completely useless but to say this movie is disappointing is in my mind to say that there was no better casting call than Arnie as Dr. Freeze

  • July 3, 2007, 11:30 p.m. CST

    Actually, I do think it is the story, character and

    by superninja

    plot. Primarily the director and writers, but also the actors have a major influence on that. It's about being a good storyteller. Transformers is a repackaging, by the way!

  • July 3, 2007, 11:31 p.m. CST

    Great Job Vern.Your piece de resistance...

    by Tarl_Cabot

    I was gonna pass on this banal pile of shit anyway but I'm glad it exists becuase it resulted in your review and made me laugh my fucking ass off. So, maybe things happen for a reason. I wish we could just get to the new Bourne flick now because we all know that will finally deliver a quality summer action movie.

  • July 3, 2007, 11:32 p.m. CST

    Love your work Vern

    by holden_oz

    "Car parts rolling down the hill, shot in close up." Spot on.

  • July 3, 2007, 11:32 p.m. CST

    Marc Savlov

    by tormys

    Naw man, that ain't me

  • July 3, 2007, 11:32 p.m. CST

    Transformers owes a lot to Star Wars.

    by superninja

    Now, it added the idea of the robots disguising themselves as cars, but other than that - very Star Wars, which is very mythology based. Just like Thundercats or He-Man, or any comic book character, or any action hero.

  • July 3, 2007, 11:32 p.m. CST

    Alpha Trion - you kind of missquoted me there

    by pjdon

    i said FF is a 'bad' kids film. I did not enjoy it. ET ids a good kids film, i loved it.<p>"Movies are magic. behind the magic is just a bunch of people who know how (or not know how)to trick their audience" just like people who write books then eh? Any writer will tell you that their main job is to manipulate their audience.<p>Lets not debate about which is more important, film or music. It is an aurgument which could never be resolved.<p>Just because i don't actually make films (i used to in my uni days) doesn't mean i don't have as much of a right to be passionate about them as you are about music.<p>If you went to someone like Kubrick if he was still alive he would say ET was a masterpiece, as good as any of his films.<p>I do know kids, i have a number of small siblings and have worked many years as a teaching assistant by the way.

  • July 3, 2007, 11:32 p.m. CST

    damn

    by slkboxrman

    all i can say since seeing this movie is that anyone that says its BAD is a PLANT....its sad when a newspaper movie columnist and an old geezer critic like roger ebert recognize that this is a movie that is beyond awesome and then some, but a site i come to because it is supposed to deal with entertainment exclusively doesnt like it....but then again u have to keep the small angry minority a reason to come here to waste their lives away punching at a keyboard in their mothers basement, wondering when the next torrent will be available and hoping beyond hope u can crack the newest xbox 360 game so u dont have to dish out the money u were saving for your jenna jameson super suck doll..... the movie rocked, bottom line...

  • July 3, 2007, 11:33 p.m. CST

    pjdon

    by lost.rules

    I respect you. Trust me. Go see the movie. You'll have a good time. It's silly, bloated, and full of holes. But you will enjoy it for what it is. Sorta a present day ID4, except a little better. Shia is really good in it. I can see why Spielberg likes him. Congrats on the baby again.

  • July 3, 2007, 11:33 p.m. CST

    I wish Kubrick had done A.I.

    by superninja

    Instead of "I can't leave my audience without a happy ending! lalala" Speilberg.

  • July 3, 2007, 11:36 p.m. CST

    superninja

    by Dotren

    Agreed. After watching the prequel trilogy I decided to read some of the EU and movie novelizations for the prequel time period. The movie novelizations at least are supposedly based off the uncut screenplays. The whole idea.. the manipulation of government and the senate's playing right into it.. the huge war that is really nothing more than an epic ploy carried out to distract the masses.. it all works actually really well. Lucas had good ideas for the movies and overall story. I just wish he hadn't directed and written the scripts.

  • July 3, 2007, 11:37 p.m. CST

    slkboxrman

    by BadMrWonka

    "all i can say since seeing this movie is that anyone that says its BAD is a PLANT"<p>thank you for giving me the biggest laugh I've had since I saw Patton Oswalt at the Improv a while back...<p>truly the most ridiculous comment in this already ridiculous talkback. and then you went down the "mom's basement/video game" route, just to cement your status as a complete brain donor...<p>I say kudos to you, sir...I hope you continue to be unencumbered by reality. (look it up, dictionary.com)

  • July 3, 2007, 11:38 p.m. CST

    Superninja

    by lost.rules

    HAHA! That had me rolling. Uggghhh. Talk about a wasted movie. It's so sad. That movie could've been great.

  • July 3, 2007, 11:38 p.m. CST

    first superninja then tile_mcgillus

    by Alpha Trion

    how is transformers a repackaging? Its always been about optimus prime and his followers fighting megatron or an incarnation of him. always on the hunt for energy. tell me where that idea was stolen from prior to 1984? and tile_mcgillus, i fell in love with both e.t. and star wars. Watching them 20 years later makes me realise how juvenile they were. sometimes, we need to grow up. Heroes change as we age and what we thought was important as a kid, is not so impacting as an adult.

  • July 3, 2007, 11:39 p.m. CST

    Editing can go a looooong way. And so can musical cues.

    by kikuchiyoboy

    But it comes down to source material and what aspect is worth showing the world. <br> <br> This movie is neither" E.T." or "Star Wars". I really liked this film, but it's more in the lines of "Blade Runner"... just kidding. Seriously though it's like what "Romancing The Stone" was to "Raiders of The Lost Ark". They're just 2 entirely different entities in the same genre.

  • July 3, 2007, 11:39 p.m. CST

    tormys and Kanossssss i'm

    by pjdon

    not saying you should look deeply into a kids film like ET. It doesn't teach you anything really.<p>But it is perfectly made and constructed peice of filmmaking.<p>Alpha Trion only looks at films in a shallow way. If it has a good plot he likes it, if he doesn't like the plot then no matter how well made the film is he doesn't.

  • July 3, 2007, 11:39 p.m. CST

    RubenReview

    by tile_mcgillus

    Great point about this movie needing soul and Michael Bay NEVER being able to deliver that. That is a nail on the head kind of remark.

  • July 3, 2007, 11:39 p.m. CST

    I guess I'm a plant

    by shartron

    I'm firmly rooted to my opinion that the movie was a letdown. Damn those spiderwebs on the radio! The dirt on Prime's windshield when he was at the observatory was nice though.

  • July 3, 2007, 11:43 p.m. CST

    Loved the movie / Agree with the review

    by brakula

    I've never been able to watch an entire Michael Bay movie before today. If I didn't have an emotional attachment to the source material, then I probably would've hated this film to the nth degree. There were several moments when I had to bite my tongue and say, "This doesn't make sense!" However, this movie hit most of the elements that reminded me of growing up with the series. Cool cars? Check. Girls? Check. Fighting Robots? Check. Cheesy dialogue and music? Check. I think Vern has Bay dead to rights with this review, but I still enjoyed the movie a lot. Best movie of the year? No. Best 80's Nostalgia Moment of the year? Heck, yes.

  • July 3, 2007, 11:43 p.m. CST

    Alpha Trion - you say story IS important

    by pjdon

    it is...<p>But not half as important as how the story is told and the techniques used to tell it.<p>You could come up with the single most original idea for a film ever and still make a shit film.

  • July 3, 2007, 11:43 p.m. CST

    Alpha Trion

    by tile_mcgillus

    I just want to get this EXACTLY straight. You are saying that Transformers "The Michael Bay movie", not the mythos he used that had been developed before...is BETTER than Star Wars "Original Trilogy" and all the stuff Lucas created around it??

  • July 3, 2007, 11:44 p.m. CST

    Fantastic review

    by hargon27

    You hit the nail on the head man! I agree 110%.

  • July 3, 2007, 11:45 p.m. CST

    tile_mcgillus yes he is

    by pjdon

    just because the plot of TF is more original!!!<p>I can't wait to see TF, i'll have a great time but to even pretend it is in the same league as Star wars is a joke.

  • July 3, 2007, 11:45 p.m. CST

    So right

    by rutan07

    Just saw the movie and I have to agree with Vern. Maybe I don't hate it as much as he did but I'm still not sure all the good guys won in this thing. I saw robots die but since they all looked the same I'm going to guess that maybe, just maybe, the bad guys won too. Oh, and also, when every single human character sucks more life out of a film then a CGI robot...you know something is wrong.

  • July 3, 2007, 11:45 p.m. CST

    "Any writer will tell you

    by Alpha Trion

    "Any writer will tell you that their main job is to manipulate their audience." Then they are not a good writer. write what you know. thats what makes a good writer. honesty. there is very little honesty in movie making these days. Transformers is what it is. for some reason you guys cant get passed that and wanted something more from it. anything more would have slowed the movie down. when i want transformers i want fast paced action. let the sequels get more into the characters now that we've been introduced. and its ok to be passionate about movies. justnot dumb ones like most scince fiction/action movies are with the exception of Lord of the Rings (because of its story) and Empire Stikes Back because of its harsh reality towards the protagonists.

  • July 3, 2007, 11:46 p.m. CST

    Yeah but pjdon

    by Kanossssss

    You miss my point. <BR> For some people it is not about how a film is constructed, it is the premise, or the storyline. It's not shallow - it's just what he expects of a film. For him plot is more important than the technical details. <BR> <BR> That's the point I am making. Everyone is different - not wrong- just different. It's just as easy, and wrong for me to argue that because you spend your whole time looking at the construction of the film, that you miss out on the experience along the way. Live and let live.

  • July 3, 2007, 11:47 p.m. CST

    I am so sick of the elitist snobs on this site.

    by Cotton McKnight

    The fact that Vern said that he would "need counseling" for liking both Die Hard and Transformers tells you EXACTLY where these people are coming from. They're elitist snobs who forget to check their arrogance at the door when they enter the movie theater. They have forgotten why they liked movies in the first place.. noooo, they like "films" now. Get lost.

  • July 3, 2007, 11:47 p.m. CST

    one specific thing...

    by cammywobs

    optimus prime picks up both shia and megan in one giant hand that dwarfs them, and later picks up a pair of glasses that are big enough for him to wear

  • July 3, 2007, 11:48 p.m. CST

    You're not sure how TF is not an original idea?

    by superninja

    Oh, let's see. Is TF the first fictional war story? The first fictional civil war story? Is it the first story about the noble good guy and his loyal commandoes vs the megalomaniacal bad guy and his team of thugs? No, there is a long history of those things in literature, film and television. <p> Before Optimus Prime, there were Captain America and Superman. Which were borrowed from Moses, Samson and Hercules? Before Megatron, there were Lex Luthor and the Red Skull. And their supporting casts, and the their battles of good vs. evil. Which are based on WWII and the Axis and Allies. Fighting over the scarcity of resources.

  • July 3, 2007, 11:48 p.m. CST

    Totally agree with the review.

    by Hilarious Wacky Username

    I wanted this to be at least a decent movie but it was fucking unbearably bad. Every single attempt at "humor" made me want to push Bay into a puddle of AIDS.

  • July 3, 2007, 11:49 p.m. CST

    They're not even the first robots. The only thing

    by superninja

    I can't think they're the first of is robots turning into cars or other mechanical devices.

  • July 3, 2007, 11:50 p.m. CST

    plot?

    by Alpha Trion

    "Alpha Trion only looks at films in a shallow way. If it has a good plot he likes it, if he doesn't like the plot then no matter how well made the film is he doesn't." - uh yea. original thinking is entertaining. transformers in my opinion sits on the same shelf as most sci-fi/action movies with the exception of the ones i mentioned above. it is spectacle and at least the story (alien robots looking for energy bring danger to our planet) is different. star wars was great for the moment but its just a common kid saving a princess from evil story. quitdefendingit as a piece of art. neithertransformers or star wars are pieces of art. blade runner is a piece of art. alien and terminator are pieces of art.

  • July 3, 2007, 11:52 p.m. CST

    Excellent Review

    by uriox

    I SUPPORT TINO JIHAD!!!!!!

  • July 3, 2007, 11:53 p.m. CST

    Bitter Much?

    by pyrodadd

    Vern, You just sound like a horrible whiney little bitch who hates everything!! Everybody else loves this flick so you gotta hate it and that makes you cool. Just log on to Movie-poop-shoot.com for that hater!! Get a life you holier-than-thou-livin-in-my-moms-basement-chatting-on-the-web-virgin-loser!!

  • July 3, 2007, 11:54 p.m. CST

    Alpha Trion

    by tile_mcgillus

    because if that is what you are saying than, you need to seriously check your damn facts. The story is in the TF The BAY MOVIE is a direct copy from ID4 and a splash of Herbie thrown in. <p>Star Wars has soooo many influences and paints a truly rich trapestry of a uni.......wait, You know what the hell Star Wars is all about. <p> The Story in TF THE BAY MOVIE is a hacked up simpleton version of the original more complex 1984 cartoon (which is saying something). Then you couple that with the mismanagment of time and resources in TF and it is soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo far away from SW it is unreal. How you as a supposed geek/fanboy can even consider that arguement sound is beyond me. <p>Then to say wait for the sequel for ROBOT character development shows you have no clue what the hell your talking about. They waste probably a good hour developing useless HUMAN characters that will not return for a sequel. Rubbish man. Absolute Rubbish.

  • July 3, 2007, 11:55 p.m. CST

    It's all art, bitch.

    by kintar0

    You don't get to decide what is and isn't art, Alpha Trion. That's one of the things that makes it art.

  • July 3, 2007, 11:56 p.m. CST

    FOUR THOUSAND WORDS!

    by topaz4206

    4,337 words.<br><br>If Michael Bay asking us to sit through 144 minutes of Transformers is audacious, you asking us to read over four thousand words is downright offensive.<br><br>Write a script or something -- you seem very infatuated with your prose.

  • July 3, 2007, 11:57 p.m. CST

    Yeah, it's definitely dumbed down compared to

    by superninja

    the mythology or even some episodes of the cartoon.

  • July 3, 2007, 11:57 p.m. CST

    TINO JIHAD!!!!!!

    by lost.rules

    My new favorite TB term. Seriously folks, is it that important to you?

  • July 3, 2007, 11:58 p.m. CST

    superninja

    by Alpha Trion

    all those ideas are humans. youre missing the point of this being robots. alien robots that disguise themselves. thats what made it so cool in the 80's. but its only "cool". nothing more. I cant understand what made you and those like vern think that there could have been more. It would have made it more human thus being less original. I dont care about the human attachment i want to see how you survive an invasion from giant robot aliens. thats what the movie did.

  • July 3, 2007, 11:58 p.m. CST

    Kanossssss - i don't over analise

    by pjdon

    films, but if you find yourself reacting to a film, getting excited, crying, being scared etc it is because the makers have used editing, pacing, music structure to optimise that effect.<p>A good plot does not make a good movie.<p>Alpha Trion- you say a good writer writes about what he knows, and writes honestly but that is pointless if he does not know how to structure his thoughts.<p>Anyone intelligent could spill intersting, meaningful stuff onto a page but it will just be a mess.<p>Both elements need to be in place.<p>Of couse good writer manipulate their audience, they make you question what is going to happen next, they make you part of the story.<p>You can have the greatest story in the world but a good writer needs to take you on a journey rather than just spill out thoughts in a random sense.

  • July 3, 2007, 11:59 p.m. CST

    pyrodadd

    by shartron

    I didn't love this flick. Does that make me cool too??? It was his opinion just like it's yours if you liked it.

  • July 3, 2007, 11:59 p.m. CST

    Awesome! Thanks for being honest!

    by Bones

    Great review, Vern. Now, anyone know where can we get our money back?

  • July 4, 2007, 12:02 a.m. CST

    Alpha, the TF are humans for all intents and purposes.

    by superninja

    They all have human characteristics, they just look like robots. TF is just an analogy for the Cold War like GI Joe was.

  • July 4, 2007, 12:02 a.m. CST

    Alpha Trion - Alien does not have an original

    by pjdon

    plot, it is an a-typical haunted house movie. Just with an alien.<p>The execution and style are what made it a great film.<p>You could have taken the plot of Alien, hell you could have taken the exact same script and made a terrible film.<p>The way it builds up tension and creats fear is the single most important aspect of the film.<p>To make TF better (and i'm happy with it being a big stupid Bay flick) it does not need to be more complex, in fact you could strip it down and make it simpler and make it a more intelligent film.<p>Liek i said before Duel is the simplest film i can think of but it is perfect.

  • July 4, 2007, 12:04 a.m. CST

    Why can't we just talk about movies?

    by superninja

    Share ideas and thoughts on film and disagree or agree. Why does everyone have to take it so personally?

  • July 4, 2007, 12:04 a.m. CST

    shartron

    by pyrodadd

    Did you want to like this movie? Or did you go into this movie wanting to hate another Micheal Bay blockbuster? Alot of people just wanna bitch about thing to sound cool and go against the grain. And that is how Vern's review/essay/hateletter came across.

  • July 4, 2007, 12:05 a.m. CST

    Alien was Ten Little Indians

    by shartron

    not an atypical haunted house film.

  • July 4, 2007, 12:06 a.m. CST

    Bleh saw this movie and it sucked.

    by heyscot

    Not nearly as good as I expected to see after reading some of the reviews on this site. It sucked, as a matter of fact. Faster-than-hell cuts, crappy, non-existent plot, typical Michael Bay movie. The guy has some weird inferiority complex or something judging the way his movies are hyper-Americanized-glorified what-the-fuck-ever that you always get in every Bay movie. Don't get me wrong, part of it was enjoyable (Shia was good, he's coming up) but overall this movie sucked donkey.

  • July 4, 2007, 12:07 a.m. CST

    dragging

    by Alpha Trion

    how i get sucked into this i dont know. "the original more complex 1984 cartoon" tile- your stupid. i watched all 4 seasons and there was no complexity to that original story. This is the point ive been trying to make. all of you who wanted this movie to transcend its roots it "rubbish". And for pjdonn and superninja my only point is that you want the films and stories of your childhood to be the bible by which all movies today should follow and it is a warped reality. those movies would not have been as great had you seen them today at your current age.

  • July 4, 2007, 12:08 a.m. CST

    No pyrodadd

    by shartron

    I went in as a TF fan from the 80's. Bay just made it almost unbearable to watch. At least there was no Aerosmith montage.

  • July 4, 2007, 12:08 a.m. CST

    you are totally right. if people think this is good-

    by zobot

    -we are all doomed. It's a complete pile of shit. I couldn't believe how hard it was to actually tell what body part of the robot you were looking at. And how come all of them (save optimus like you said) are either grey or yellow? In the cartoon they made them different colors s at least you could say, "Then the green one drove up and transformed". When you are not only having trouble telling who's the good guy and who's the bad guy, but you actually can't tell which part is their head- then you made the movie wrong. And like I went to see that movie cuz I wanted to know if Shia Lebeouf could act... In the cartoon you rarely ever saw humans- cuz it was a cartoon about giant robots, not effin' humans. We had G.I.Joe for that. This is what you get when misanthropic old people make movies for 13 year olds. I felt like the whole thing was filled with Bay's contempt for the audience. Like he was sitting at video village everyday on set going, "Oh whatthefuckever- the robots will fight at the end and all the people will think it's cool... What's the poster gonna look like, anyway?"

  • July 4, 2007, 12:10 a.m. CST

    beginning to end, amazingly fun entertaining movie

    by wcoop893

    it was mesmerizing and hilarious and badass all at the same time. screw you haters, you must have had to try to dislike this,

  • July 4, 2007, 12:10 a.m. CST

    TF talkbacks too emo even for Spider-Man 3!

    by superninja

    Heh heh.

  • July 4, 2007, 12:11 a.m. CST

    Vern gets annoyed when people say emo.

    by superninja

    <>

  • July 4, 2007, 12:11 a.m. CST

    much better than pirates 3 or spidey 3 and i likes pira

    by wcoop893

    tes 3. but this was better. it delivered where the other 2 did not at all like they should have

  • July 4, 2007, 12:12 a.m. CST

    Bummer for you shartron

    by pyrodadd

    I too went as a fanboy from the 80's, took my son and enjoyed the shit out of it. I thought the comedy was well placed (mostly) and the action was non stop. And I thought that the CGI was beyond compare to any other. BTW, my 7 year old loved it too. My opinion....

  • July 4, 2007, 12:13 a.m. CST

    thanks for the "talkback"

    by Alpha Trion

    cant wait to fight this same fight when the sequel comes out. but for now, i have to get back to my real life. and yes, i may be a geek who grew up and now appreciates entertainment for its entertaining qualities and art for its substance, but the reality is that i can walk away from it, have sex with my wife and wake up to enjoy a nice day off with my friends and discuss far more important things. keep fighting fools.

  • July 4, 2007, 12:14 a.m. CST

    Vern...

    by mr. brownstone

    Did you notice how Bay used 'comical' punchline sound effects like they use in trailers for lame comedies? The 2K7 equivalent of a needle scratching across a record. In a giant robot sci-fi movie? He made a 2 hour trailer for his own movie and the irony is the trailers had better, tension, pacing, character development and atmosphere.

  • July 4, 2007, 12:14 a.m. CST

    Well, it's probably a good thing you are having

    by superninja

    sex with your wife.

  • July 4, 2007, 12:14 a.m. CST

    wcoop893

    by shartron

    I didn't have to try very hard. I wanted to like this, but in the end, it was only around a 5-6/10.

  • July 4, 2007, 12:16 a.m. CST

    one last thing superninja

    by Alpha Trion

    youre just jealous

  • July 4, 2007, 12:17 a.m. CST

    I Laughed A Lot

    by topaz4206

    I like all kinds of comedy, from Spaced, to The Office (both versions). But still I laughed when the fat guy ran through the plate glass window. And about 20 other times too. This is safe, 'easy', 8-to-80 broad comedy, but still fun.

  • July 4, 2007, 12:17 a.m. CST

    WTF: National Treasure was bad, you say?

    by Z0D

    Shut up Vern. After reading that I was completely turned off. National Treasure was a fun pop corn flick. Sure, I still read most of your review, but damn. DAMN. If movies were written and created by all of us fanboys who wish to see it PURRRFECT, they still would be terrible. Why? Because all of us 'know-it-alls' would be on each other's backs all the time pushing each other's desires on each other. So there you have it. If you and other people like you hate a movie, fine. If you hate it because you think you can do better, fine. But you don't have the power to create movies like Bay and Speilberg do, NOW DO YA? I found your review to be mildly retardedly funny. ___KNEEL___ before Z0D

  • July 4, 2007, 12:18 a.m. CST

    It's weird.

    by lost.rules

    Sam Rami is a better, smarter filmaker. But he sucked the joy of Spiderman with Spidey 3. Micahel Bay is a dumber, more coked up, movie maker. But he still made a more entertaing movie. Sometimes, I think the intelligent guys are just to clever for their own good. Oh, well. Spiderman 2, and Evil Dead 2 are better than anything Michael Bay could ever dream of making.

  • July 4, 2007, 12:18 a.m. CST

    Alpha Trion

    by tile_mcgillus

    The script has the alien robots coming to find one magic cube that will save them. Each side brings 5 to 8 soldiers to win the war and it all comes down to...old bifocals. Yeah that is not complex and is just stupid. <p>The cartoon has two opposing warring sides fighting and crashing landing on earth only to be awakened by a seimic event millions of years later where they need to leave the planet and return to Cybertron to see if the war is even still going on. The autobots do not want to destroy the eco system in the process of returning, while the deceptions intend to destroy Earth in the process of returning. And neither want the other to be able to return etc...see. Now I not defending the dialogue, bad cheesy moments of those episodes. I am not saying that it deserved a damn Emmy. The basic structure of the story is much better in cartoon. You have to see the difference in complexity there. And I am saying that is FUCKING RIDICULOUS and sad.

  • July 4, 2007, 12:18 a.m. CST

    My Transformers review

    by Latauro

    IndustryKiller and BadMrWonka, not much I could write that I didn't already cover in the Bazura review of Transformers. Check it out: http://tinyurl.com/yqreeo

  • July 4, 2007, 12:18 a.m. CST

    Hmmm. No I'm not, but keep up the good work! LOL

    by superninja

    <>

  • July 4, 2007, 12:19 a.m. CST

    Word ZOD

    by pyrodadd

    Preach on Brother!!!

  • July 4, 2007, 12:19 a.m. CST

    Whoops

    by Latauro

    Wrong link. Forget that. Here's the right one: http://tinyurl.com/25zyjt

  • July 4, 2007, 12:19 a.m. CST

    Wow VERN Just watched DH4 and that kinda sucked

    by Eh Nam1313

    I guess thats two movies I think you are wrong about. Still in shock you liked that waste of film. Also things that where cool in Transformer part 2 - Bumblebee shoots the Autobot symbol in the sky - Prime shows the Matrix - The fact they stayed with the old cartoon(Autobots stay on ground Decepticons flyy) - Starscream ripping the jets out of the air - There is a lot more but good then bad and there is some bad stuff.

  • July 4, 2007, 12:20 a.m. CST

    superninja

    by Alpha Trion

    sleeping alone?

  • July 4, 2007, 12:21 a.m. CST

    Alpha Trion - night,, nice chating

    by pjdon

    And i do think ET would still be considered a classic if it came out now but that is immpossible to prove due to the fact that 100's of films have copied the formula. But there is no argument you made to prove it is a bad film so i will just assume you understand it is a masterpiece <p>Also I love it when someone has to point out that they can have sex or a normal life on a TB. Like they are on the deffensive or something.<p>I think Alpha thought i was anti TF.

  • July 4, 2007, 12:21 a.m. CST

    Alpha Trion

    by tile_mcgillus

    I love that shit. "have sex with my wife"...fucking glorious. I'm a successful graphic designer who is engaged to a hot blonde. Like anyone who debates the merits of his sad and absurd arguements is a basement dweller. Love it. That is how you know you fucking lost son. Resort to pathetic shit like that. See ya. Come back when you start making sense.

  • July 4, 2007, 12:22 a.m. CST

    alpha trion

    by sokitome

    You dont know anything about me! Your descriptions couldn't be more wrong. You call me a loser with no life for posting my opinion on this site when you're doing the exact same fucking thing. I'm attacking your argument because you're saying i don't understand children cause i haven't raised one. You don't know that! I know when I was 13 i was able to tell a bad fucking movie when I see one, that's why i don't think Krull is as good as star wars, that's why I KNEW Krull was not as good at the age of 13, or why Dukes of Hazzard wasn't on the same level at the age of 10. I'm giving kids way more credit than you about their intelligence and what they can get out of a movie going experience. So when you tell your kids it's ok the "leave your brain at the door" just to fully embrace a mediocre movie then I think it's stupid.

  • July 4, 2007, 12:22 a.m. CST

    Hey, I'm not the one blabbing about my personal

    by superninja

    life all over the internet.

  • July 4, 2007, 12:23 a.m. CST

    I'm sleeping alone Alpha Trion

    by lost.rules

    Come tuck me in

  • July 4, 2007, 12:23 a.m. CST

    pjdon, yes, I think that is the idea as well probably

    by superninja

    just can't talk about ideas without getting the last word in.

  • July 4, 2007, 12:25 a.m. CST

    pjdon

    by Alpha Trion

    let me tell you, sex makes you forget all about fighting over stupid giant robots and rubber aliens. it puts things into perspective. and im a horny motherfucker so after a mind numbing discussion like this, its very important to me. thus i have to share. by the way, i do respect your passion for film. i just cannot agree on the e.t. thing. sorry. fuck i have to get off of this site.

  • July 4, 2007, 12:25 a.m. CST

    I have to go home now guys

    by pjdon

    nite nite.<p>God Alpha really exhausted me tonight.<p>Hope i have time to have sex with my girlfriend, yes sex i have sex, ooh i have a job, i'm not a geek, honest, i even have friends, i even go outside (did i sound as convincing as alpha?)<p>nite

  • July 4, 2007, 12:27 a.m. CST

    Well at least we united on something there...

    by tile_mcgillus

    Alpha Trion is raging douche. Talkback unification is rare but beautiful.

  • July 4, 2007, 12:28 a.m. CST

    A-Fuckin-men

    by Gould as Marlowe

    I never post here but I just wanted to big up Vern for his essay. You are one of the only critics I know of who understands how action films are supposed to operate. You are also one of the only critics I know to point out this miserable cop-out trend of having every goddamn character spout off "hip" and "sassy" one liners. Back in the action hey day it was to be expected that the hero of the film would remain cool and collected enough to toss off a one liner after dispatching a villain, but now every character is a budding CW sitcom star. How am I as an audience member supposed to care about the consequences of the action or the threat of violence if the characters in the film are not? Spectacle and special effects are great. I love that stuff. But why is it the majority of action films these days are no more engaging than watching a video game demo?

  • July 4, 2007, 12:28 a.m. CST

    I have to agree with a lot of what Vern said ...

    by Undercover Fanboy

    ... and yet I still enjoyed the fuck out of the movie. I don't know what that means. Yeah, the dialogue was inane. Hacker plot was ridiculous. Turturro and Voight had terrible roles and played them with B-movie sensibilities. The set up was half an hour too long. There's no need for a chihuahua with bling or a character to ride a girl's bike or a fat black guy to dance (or a black[?] robot to dance) or massive giant robots to hide awkwardly in a backyard for the sake of slapstick comedy. And yet, again, I still enjoyed the fuck out of it. I laughed. I hooted. I "woahed" easily half a dozen times. I felt for the robots. I felt for a few of the human characters. I must be an absolute moron. And this movie is going to make huge bank. (I don't even know why I type this - I didn't read beyond the first ten posts, and I doubt anyone's going to read this one either. Does that provide me with the opportunity to mention what I'd like to do to Megan Fox's tits? Probably not. Long live idiot fanboys.)

  • July 4, 2007, 12:29 a.m. CST

    Hey, Alpha Trion

    by lost.rules

    You're not the only one having sex with your wife

  • July 4, 2007, 12:29 a.m. CST

    i love it

    by Alpha Trion

    because if i was blabbing my personal life on the internet i would use my real name. besides at least i stirredup some shit, which i love and i knew the sex comment would get everyone riled up. even the guy with the "hot blonde". see im not the only one who resorts to such lowered standards and expectations. youre all doing it right now. right along with me. I love it. its ENTERTAINING. in fact, more entertaining than the stupid movie i watched today.

  • July 4, 2007, 12:33 a.m. CST

    Alpha Trion

    by tile_mcgillus

    I guess your proud to be a sad troll. Cheers!

  • July 4, 2007, 12:33 a.m. CST

    None of the other summer films had thrilling moments

    by superninja

    in them. The action sequences I'm sure are kinetic whether or not you like how they are put together. Partly just because of the way Bay edits. One critic made a good point about how disappointing action films are because they don't pace things right, it's just nonstop until the best scene is long gone and you're just numbing the audience with action until the finale. Superman Returns is a great example of this.

  • July 4, 2007, 12:34 a.m. CST

    Now comes the part when people who shit all over...

    by googamooga

    ...the movie before it came out have now seen it, and liked it, but still have to act like self important fucking film school jerk-offs who are "too cool for school" and therefor couldn't possibly like a movie like this. Fuck all the haters. I've been looking forward to this movie since the day it was announced and I guaran-damn-tee you it will make a shit load of money which will make the prospect of a sequel assured, so keep on bitching and I'll hold your spot in line douche bags...

  • July 4, 2007, 12:35 a.m. CST

    my likes about the movie...

    by FrenchBastard03

    i actually liked and enjoyed some of the comedy, the masturbation scene was funny, and the mothers reaction to the girl was great. i liked the animations of the transformations. primes first long take of his transformation feels rightfully epic. it just looks cool, eye candy, and the candy tasted sweet. and my favorite action bit was starscream's fight with the other f22s. flying through the city, transforming back and forth confusing the other pilots while taking the wings off others was just a cool sight and actually took my breath away. i also enjoyed prime taking bonecrusher's head off. now what i dont understand vern, and i completely respect your reaction to the film, but what i dont understand is how you can watch both this and die hard 4 within the same week, and give one a pass while shitting on the other. theyre basically the same type of movie, ones a bit bigger than the other, but both have big dumb action with ludicrous plots. could you explain how die hard 4 was a better and more "entertaining" film?

  • July 4, 2007, 12:35 a.m. CST

    My real name is Omega Trion.

    by lost.rules

    And I'm having sex with my brother's wife. Sorry you had to find out like this, Alpha.

  • July 4, 2007, 12:39 a.m. CST

    "Sam, are you masturbating?"

    by GibsonUSA Returns

    Yeah....best movie of the year....(sarcasm)

  • July 4, 2007, 12:40 a.m. CST

    Cotton McKnight

    by Vern

    I've spent the last several years writing a book about the films of Steven Seagal. My favorite TV show last year was BLADE: THE SERIES, and then it got cancelled. I recently wrote an appreciation of STONE COLD on DVD, of Wesley Snipes' DTV movies and have been reviewing '80s ninja movies lately. I have AMERICAN NINJA and BLIND FURY sitting next to my DVD player for later in the week. But I think I should've rented the SUBSTITUTE movies like some guy suggested. I thought LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD was surprisingly good. I didn't think SPIDER-MAN 3 or X-MEN 3 were as bad as everybody said. I'm gonna go see RUSH HOUR just for Chris Tucker. I kind of like McG. I loved TORQUE.<p> But I hated TRANSFORMERS so I'm an elitist snob? Come on dude, you throw terms around at random they lose their meaning.

  • July 4, 2007, 12:41 a.m. CST

    Transform This....

    by wedgenbiggs

    Finally, a reviewer who feels not only the same way about the Transformers movie as I do, but hates it for all the same reasons. Thank you and let's keep the Michael Bay hate rolling.

  • July 4, 2007, 12:41 a.m. CST

    Maybe in the next movie Optimus Prime can

    by superninja

    have a porno mag under his bed?

  • July 4, 2007, 12:41 a.m. CST

    BEST REVIEW EVER!!!!

    by Xeniten

    May the good Lord Jesus Christ bless you Vern! God Speed brother!

  • July 4, 2007, 12:43 a.m. CST

    What's this? Busty Bots!?

    by superninja

    "Uh, my bad!"

  • July 4, 2007, 12:43 a.m. CST

    Good Points (FrenchBastard03)

    by Eh Nam1313

    Yeah I forgot the scene where prime fucks up Bonecrusher that was bad ass. Yeah I don't get Vern on this one he liked DH4 and Don't get me wrong its okay. Well it sucked but not as bad as 3. But the man hates this just Boggles the mind.

  • July 4, 2007, 12:45 a.m. CST

    I saw TF this afternoon, it was okay,

    by Orbots Commander

    It wasn't a great action flick by any means, and it was definitely a movie meant for 10 year old boys. Good thing too, because my god son and his friends really enjoyed it when I went with them. The effects and some of the action were good but the movie actually became dull during long stretches. I think TF could have easily lost a half hour to forty minutes of its run time (all the Jon Voight and Turturro nonsense sub-plots) and nobody would have missed it. It would have been a perfect 80 to 90 minute movie; it's a not so great 2 hr and 20 minute movie. The most irritating thing for me about the movie was all the blatant product placement---it was insanely overbearing. I think the movie tickets should be for free, sponsered by Mountain Dew/Pepsi, General Motors, Microsoft, and the U.S Army.

  • July 4, 2007, 12:45 a.m. CST

    Thanks a lot Vern

    by Lour Reed luvs Frank Zappa

    For a review of great clarity, cutting through a lot of the hype bull shit and other baggage that typically drags down not only reviews on this site but most movie reviews...I felt mostly the same except that the only thing with levity in the movie, unfortunately, was the awkward storyline involving shia.. harry was right about moving away from the human element, not like that would have really changed too much.

  • July 4, 2007, 12:46 a.m. CST

    Optimus' blade

    by shartron

    Why didn't he use it against Megatron?

  • July 4, 2007, 12:46 a.m. CST

    Just because I disagree with Vern...

    by ScamsAndFlams

    I'm not going to write some wanker shit about how he was expecting Schindler's List from Michael Bay. Those of you saying that shit are making a pathetic straw man argument, and twisting his words to your own ridiculous ends. This is a FANTASTIC review whether or not you agree with his opinion. If you can't see why, then you only reinforce his argument about today's movie-going audience. Suck it long, and suck it hard.

  • July 4, 2007, 12:47 a.m. CST

    I don't know. Why don't 50 foot robots actually

    by superninja

    disguise themselves when in the suburbs?

  • July 4, 2007, 12:47 a.m. CST

    Loved AMERICAN NINJA!

    by Eh Nam1313

    But The Last Dragon Kicks its ass.Shooonuff.

  • July 4, 2007, 12:47 a.m. CST

    Just have fun and enjoy it

    by ARKHAM-MADNESS

    For someone who didnt like the movie, you sure did write alot about it.

  • July 4, 2007, 12:47 a.m. CST

    Vern Loved Torque

    by lost.rules

    Uh, yeah. You've lost all credability my friend. You're not a elitist snob. You're an idiot.

  • July 4, 2007, 12:49 a.m. CST

    Vern is ON FIRE

    by zillabeast

    And WINNING!!!

  • July 4, 2007, 12:53 a.m. CST

    "Torque" was SUPPOSED to be bad...

    by Mike_D

    duh.

  • July 4, 2007, 12:53 a.m. CST

    Thank the gods for you Vern...

    by nonsensical

    Thank the gods. Finally someone else sees this terrible film and reviews it without saying something to the effect of "it was bad but at the same time it was great since the story just doesn't matter. Giant Fuckin' Robots rule!" For me that's bullshit. Pure bullshit. Thank you.

  • July 4, 2007, 12:55 a.m. CST

    There are two sides. AutoFans and DeceptiFans.

    by lost.rules

    AutoFans love everything. No matter how shitty it is. DeceptiFans hate everything. no matter how good it is. CHOOSE YOUR SIDE! AND CHOOSE WISELY.

  • July 4, 2007, 12:56 a.m. CST

    Torque was bad

    by lost.rules

    duh

  • July 4, 2007, 12:58 a.m. CST

    lost.rules

    by shartron

    One shall stand, one shall fall!

  • July 4, 2007, 1:01 a.m. CST

    My Bad on stealing the line Vern!

    by shartron

    Pisses on wife and kicks chihuahua.

  • July 4, 2007, 1:01 a.m. CST

    Wait, I'm agreeing with a guy who liked Blackjack?

    by Bass Bastardson

    I hate to say it, because I've been waiting over 25 years for a big budget giant-robots-fighting movie, but I mostly agree with Vern on this one. I actually enjoyed the first hour, but by the time the Autobots were huddled in the back yard trying to hide from Shia's parents... wait - WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO SHIA'S PARENTS?!?! I just realized that they disappeared half way through the movie and NEVER CAME BACK! Am I forgetting a scene, or did they really just vanish? Anyway, I have to hand it to you Vern, even though I've come to think your taste in movies is abhorrent, this was a GREAT review. I laughed harder than I have at any other review since Ebert's scathing Jack Frost review. (Worth looking up, if you've never read it) Congrats on a job well done.

  • July 4, 2007, 1:02 a.m. CST

    It's Star Wars. It's The Gofather. It's Citizen Kane.

    by lost.rules

    It's the greatest movie ever made! heheh. Of course I'm talking about Torque.

  • July 4, 2007, 1:03 a.m. CST

    Godfather

    by lost.rules

    MY BAD! heheh

  • July 4, 2007, 1:04 a.m. CST

    Bass

    by shartron

    You didn't see them on the houseboat in Lake Mead drinking a Dew?

  • July 4, 2007, 1:07 a.m. CST

    I love you guys.

    by lost.rules

    Seriously. Reading these TBs gives me great joy. Be back here, to agree and argue, with you tommorrow. Nite.

  • July 4, 2007, 1:08 a.m. CST

    You can't take something that MEANS something to people

    by mrmgp

    and hand it over to a Michael Bay. The end of the world is coming in the form of a gigantic asteroid. This would cause all of us great alarm and concern. But with Michael Bay, we get the testosterone-laden action heavy Armageddon flick that leaves you not really giving a fuck about the team sent to destroy the asteroid, or even Earth itself. I'll stick with Deep Impact, a human story. You can't take a history changing event like Pearl Harbor, an attack that changed America forever, and hand it to a Michael Bay. We get a ridiculous love triangle, a lot of carnage and explosions and a lot of history ignored or thrown the fuck out the window. I'll stick with Tora! Tora! Tora! which remained pretty faithful to history. And now we have The Transformers. A lot of us grew up with the Autobots and Decepticons in the cartoons. Some of us probably wish our own leaders could be as noble as Optimus Prime. And here comes Michael Bay to make a movie based on the cartoons and the toys, and so far from the reviews, it seems that it's an utter shit piece of film making that shits all over a franchise and characters many actually give a damn about seeing portrayed well in a motion picture. But despite the fact that many of us despise Michael Bay's film making, the fact of the matter is that the man makes movies that rakes in cash at the box office, so unless he does the world a favor and steps out in front of a speeding Union Pacific freight out in California, we're going to continue seeing our intelligence insulted by Michael Bay and his godawful movies. Well, some of us are. I was guardedly optimistic when Bay had the sense of hiring Peter Cullen to do Optimus' lines, but it's turning out that Bay couldn't give a rat's ass about the Transformers any more than he gives a rat's ass about the end of the world or an attack that changed America forever or whatever the fuck else he decides to make a movie about.

  • July 4, 2007, 1:11 a.m. CST

    What should I expect?

    by jocutus

    When I spend my 11 bucks I expect a good movie. When I see that they spent hundreds of millions of dollars to make it, again I expect a good movie. And when the movie revolves around characters based on children's toys I don't expect Piss jokes and masturbation jokes. Is it wrong to expect these things?

  • July 4, 2007, 1:11 a.m. CST

    your opinion is shit

    by qwik3r2

    What idiot lets you write on this site, honestly? Your opinion is shit, you appear to be extremely uneducated, and your review of this movie is way of. You couldn't even remember names of the robots after they were introduced and this is some how Bay's fault? I think you need to get laid, and stop writing reviews, PERIOD.

  • July 4, 2007, 1:13 a.m. CST

    shartron

    by Bass Bastardson

    are you being serious or sarcastic? I don't remember that at all and I just got back from the movie. Granted, at a certain point my mind started wandering, so I might have missed a few things. Was there dialog or was it just a shot?

  • July 4, 2007, 1:13 a.m. CST

    Its odd

    by Dotren

    I guess the movie just will never work for some people and others it will. I can tell you that, while the theater wasn't packed to capacity on the first showing around here, it was 90% full and the whole theater was cracking up. People laughed, people moaned in sympathy at the main character's embarrassing moments.. in general people were getting into the characters and the movie as a whole. Perhaps the rest of the theater and I should get therapy or just line up and be shot by the obviously superior movie-goers who think its intellectual trash. Or maybe we just got what we wanted when we went in... something with a nice simple story, funny moments, action moments... overall entertaining. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy movies with much more depth than this.. I enjoy plots that I can think about weeks later and be compelled to research the storyline to fill in gaps in what I understood. Every movie I see doesn't have to be like this though. Just because people enjoy movies like this for pure entertainment value, doesn't mean these people are intellectually deprived or even that they have no concept of what makes a "good" movie. More and more these days it seems like theres two entrenched camps of movie-goers. Theres the side that views the other side with general contempt for enjoying and defending a movie they consider trash and created for a quick buck by selling to the lowest common denominator. Then there's the side that views the others as unable to enjoy the simple things anymore... that they only view a movie as worth seeing if its Academy material and that they're more or less completely out of touch with the general movie going populace. Not everyone falls into these camps but I do see them existing.

  • July 4, 2007, 1:17 a.m. CST

    jocutus

    by benito

    It's not wrong my friend. ...Just naive. But there are worse things to be than that. Like jaded and hopeless and accepting of mediocrity.

  • July 4, 2007, 1:20 a.m. CST

    If they are not going to take the original idea

    by superninja

    seriously, they should question making the film. Bay didn't want to make this film to begin with - Speilberg knew that. Many directors seem embarassed about superhero or fantasy characters. They are the last people who should be working on them.

  • July 4, 2007, 1:20 a.m. CST

    Vern you're not an elitist snob for hating TF....

    by Kai_Mah'gra

    .....you're an elitist snob for basically calling everyone else who liked it an idiot - in the form of your so-called review. That's what an elitist is; "If you don't like what I like, you're douche. If you like what I think is crap, you're a douche." Pretty much sums up your rant...I mean review. It's cool you didn't like it because either you didn't get it, or you thought it was a mess or whatever, but to basically the world is coming to an end because it seems the majority of everyone else liked it is the height of arrogance, and quite frankly the reason people are calling you out. It's he equivalent of hating Micheal Bay simply because he is Micheal Bay. Lame. As for the movie, anyone expecting an intelligent masterpiece from a summer movie based on Transformers : The animated movie, and the Hasboro/Mattel line of merchandise and 80's cartoon-based marketing campaign, seriously needs an intelligence implant. Stat. If anything the movie is a faithful adaptation of its source material, so where's he problem? Oh well, at least the haters now have a refuge; it was getting mighty lonely out there with all the positive word-of-mouf that this movie is getting from us "morons" who had th audacity to enjoy it. Is that an Apocalyptic horseman I see there........

  • July 4, 2007, 1:22 a.m. CST

    Bass

    by shartron

    Sorry, I was being sarcastic. You never see them until the credits. There's nothing else explaining where the hell they were.

  • July 4, 2007, 1:23 a.m. CST

    Proof this review is bullstuff

    by runfoodrun

    So it's fitting that the movie begins in "QATAR - THE MIDDLE EAST." (Need to establish location and tell the audience you think they're idiots at the same time? Try subtitles!) Right, because everyone would have said, yeah that Qatar by seeing a shot of ENDLESS DESERT. Vern, love your reivew, but that is Jumping the Shark right there...

  • July 4, 2007, 1:24 a.m. CST

    THANK YOU VERN

    by myspoonistoobig

    This movie was shit. I can't even begin to consider what it is that led anyone with even a space where their brain should be to think that this movie had any redeeming qualities whatsoever. I like myself a lot of dumb action movies, but they have to, you know, inspire any reaction in me whatsoever aside from annoyance and boredom.

  • July 4, 2007, 1:27 a.m. CST

    jocutus

    by Dotren

    Believe it or not, most of the theater I was in found several of those moments funny. The masturbation thing actually fit perfectly into that scene and I honestly expected it. I mean, what else could be said that would be worse in that particular situation? Thats what made it funny.. to me at least. Yes, the piss jokes could have been done without. I won't condemn the rest of the movie because if though. Why should I? Its less than 2 minutes of the movie. Its the Jar Jar of Transformers... there for the kids who are to young to find the adolescent situations Shia's character goes through funny.

  • July 4, 2007, 1:29 a.m. CST

    shartron

    by Bass Bastardson

    Do they even show up after they first get taken away and separated by the sector 7 guys? I remember shia bargaining to see his parents when they're first taken to the dam but I don't remember any kind of "Oh Son! I'm so glad you're okay!" scene at all. Is that really where they vanish from the movie? When the Sector 7 guys show up and arrest them all?

  • July 4, 2007, 1:30 a.m. CST

    Dotren

    by shartron

    The Jar Jar of the movie is that piss poor excuse of a walking stick that was put in for comedic effect.

  • July 4, 2007, 1:31 a.m. CST

    Fuckin A, that shit kicked ass!

    by Lamerz

    The movie, not the endless diatribe above. <P>Look, the crowd went wild at the theater tonight, in the beginning, again in the middle when Optimus busts some ass on the freeway, and when the movie was over. I had a great time tonight watching Transformers, and I don't feel guilty, or stupid, or part of the decline and fall of Western Civilization. Sorry, but the FX were awesome ... ILM took it to a new level. Every other FX house better step up their game big time. The acting was pretty good, especially in Shia LeBouf's case. He had some great comic timing, and pulled the movie together. The comedy surprised both me and the wife. Much of it worked, while only a few things fell flat. Jon Voight was pretty good as the Secretary of Defense. Josh Duhamel and Tyrese were good. The story was okay, but damn, the wife and I had a hell of a lot of fun. <P>And that is what it is all about. Fun. Not high art. Not a political statement. Just pure honest to goodness fun. Do I go to Disneyland to hear a lengthy dissertation from Mickey Mouse on War and Peace? No. I expect to be entertained. I expect thrills, laughs, and a generally good time. When I hear people talk about Transformers as a rollercoaster, I can't help but agree. It's a theme park filled with giant fucking robots. And it's a blast, if you'll let it be. Anyone can go to Disneyland and be miserable all fucking day if they try. Most people go and enjoy themselves. <P>I like the cartoon as a kid. I saw the '86 movie. I had the toys. All that shit. I grew up on TF, GI Joe, Thundercats. And yet, somehow the flames on Optimus didn't matter. Somehow the intricate designs worked better in live action than the old boxy designs would have. Somehow Shia didn't kill the movie. But if you made up your mind ahead of time to hate the movie, Transformers won't change it. It's not a religious experience that will turn people from haterz to believers. <P>Is it the best movie ever? No. Is it the best Sci-fi film? No. Will it be in my top 10? No. It doesn't have to be though. <P>Does this signal the end of civilization as we know it? Have we finally proven that we are too stupid to go on? No. Enjoyment of a thrill ride is not something to be ashamed of. <P>Fuck the haterz. No, seriously. Fuck the haterz up the ass. A lot of people are going to have A LOT OF FUN with this one. And if the haterz can't get past it and go on with life, fuck 'em.

  • July 4, 2007, 1:32 a.m. CST

    Bass

    by shartron

    Yeah, that was the last time I saw them until the credits. Great storytelling! Who needs parents!

  • July 4, 2007, 1:33 a.m. CST

    runfoodrun

    by Bass Bastardson

    The point he was making is that the filmmakers think the audience is so stupid that they needed to be told that Qatar is in the middle east. The sub could have just read "Qatar".

  • July 4, 2007, 1:35 a.m. CST

    shartron

    by Dotren

    True, Frenzy would have been much cooler if he actually spoke somewhat like the other robots instead of sounding like one that had found electronic crack. He did have his moments though which is more than I can say for Jar Jar. Besides, my point was more that those scenes were probably put into the movie for simple comic effect for the kids in the theater much like a lot of the Jar Jar material.

  • July 4, 2007, 1:36 a.m. CST

    oh stfu vern.the movie kicks

    by ominus

    oh stfu vern.the movie kicks ass.just because you are incapable of enjoying it,doesnt mean its bad. god dammit noobs.

  • July 4, 2007, 1:38 a.m. CST

    I'm betting..

    by Dotren

    The situation with the parents is probably a cut scene. I mean, did you really need them back during the main movie? Theres a line in the movie that sounded like it pretty much resolved what was going to happen with them. Like most movies, I'm probably going to see the deleted scenes and think "why did they cut that!?! it would have been much better had they left it in" but then people would be complaining that it was 145 min long instead of just 144...

  • July 4, 2007, 1:39 a.m. CST

    Didn't it say Qatar twice?

    by shartron

    I think in two different scenes just so we remembered since we have the attention spans of a twig.

  • July 4, 2007, 1:40 a.m. CST

    It sucks but I can't read anymore of this guy's reviews

    by DirkAngerReloaded23

    4 names for ya: Chris Tucker, Steven Seagal, McG, & Torque. First we have a "comedic" "actor", and I use those words very lightly, whose only claim to fame is being in those GOD-FUCKING-AWFUL Rush Hour movies directed by that talentless hack Brett Ratner, who is also responsible for putting a nail in the coffin of the X-Men franchise. Next we have Seagal, whose best ever performance was when he bit the bullet 20 minutes into Executive Decision; no more needs to be said there. Next is McG. Only Ewe Boll, in my humble opinion, backed by being a die hard movie fanatic for 30 years now, is a worse director in Hollywood than this wannabe-Bay. Charlie's Angels sucked hard. Charlie's Angels 2 was so fucking terrible that if all 3 Angels had gotten naked 15 minutes into the flick and had a chocolate syrup covered gangbang with the Hedgehog and an albino midget with elephantitis I still wouldn't have seen it and neither would anyone else. Finally we have Torque. Oh Torque........how your super-hyper-mega-extreme-piece-of-living-shit action sequences made me hate your guts. Zero story+lousy over-the-top effects+Ice Cube= not even if you don't take yourself seriously...........a shit movie to say the least. These are what Vern considers to be entertainment, but Transformers sucks. Gimme a break.

  • July 4, 2007, 1:43 a.m. CST

    Dotren

    by shartron

    Thanks, I forgot his name(Frenzy). The parent thing is important since they were such a big part in the beginning. Then, you never hear Sam mention anything about them after his speech on the dam. Just a little strange.

  • July 4, 2007, 1:44 a.m. CST

    Bass

    by runfoodrun

    Fair enough, but seriously, this was a fun movie, yes far to much on the military angle, but a fun movie, and my point is that pointing out it's in the Middle East is a nitpick, there was far worse exposition in this film than that, but fun none the less. I really wish Spielberg would have directed it, one can only imagine.

  • July 4, 2007, 1:47 a.m. CST

    The Qatar thing ...

    by Lamerz

    Oooh, he said "Qatar - The Middle East"; he MUST think the movie goers are retards? Holy shit. That is the least legitimate complaint, I have heard yet. What. The. Fuck? Now THAT is making an effort to hate the movie.

  • July 4, 2007, 1:47 a.m. CST

    i wanted to love this movie, but...

    by macgruder

    It was full of too many bad jokes and unnecessary comedy that fell flat on its face. The fights werent good enough, it had huge plot holes and i groaned more times than I have fingers. I so wanted to love it, but I only liked it slightly. Thank you Vern for posting a truthful review, we share the same opinion on about 99% of the movie.

  • July 4, 2007, 1:53 a.m. CST

    parents and Qatar

    by Dotren

    I guess it is a bit strange but then again, thats the point where the movie went into hyperspeed... with all that stuff going on I'm not sure the character would have been thinking about that, let alone the director stopping the action to drop a scene about it. Again though, maybe its a deleted scene that, like so many that seem necessary to us, for some reason get cut. As for Qatar... you know, common sense would have told me where it was when I was watching the movie even though I didn't know the exact geographic location. The funny thing is though, I looked it up on wikipedia and it basically says "Qatar is an emirate... in the Middle East".

  • July 4, 2007, 1:55 a.m. CST

    CLOVERFIELD Trailer Up!

    by Scorpio

    Best part of Transformers - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mn-AIpdTagA

  • July 4, 2007, 1:56 a.m. CST

    If this your idea of Christmas, I gotta be here for

    by lost.rules

    New Years. Lame jokes. Quirky one liners. Jeesh. Am I the only one here that remembers the eightees? I guess I'm in the I love the original Die Hard, and The Road Warrior camp. And I do mean CAMP! Tranformers was good. Fuck all you haters that were born in the ninetees! Stupid fucks! Go listen to your favorite Spice Girls CD or something!

  • July 4, 2007, 1:56 a.m. CST

    Vern, you are a genius

    by DoctorEss

    Brilliant, start to finish. Thanks for brightening my day!

  • July 4, 2007, 1:57 a.m. CST

    Some rad TF Movie Shit Here:

    by LittleDudes

    http://tinyurl.com/gc79d

  • July 4, 2007, 1:59 a.m. CST

    What was the teaser...

    by Creative1

    that showed something (unseen)tearing up New York? That was way more entertaing than Transformers.

  • July 4, 2007, 2:01 a.m. CST

    AnimalStructure - you are a fucking tool

    by Lamerz

    Fucking classic. You say people who have had fun watching the movie are useless. Yet you haven't even fucking seen it. You really add a lot to the discourse. Great job, loser.

  • July 4, 2007, 2:01 a.m. CST

    Lamerz

    by Vern

    I pointed out the "Middle East" thing because it was funny as hell. It's not the first movie to do it but it always makes me laugh. It is basically telling us two minutes into the movie what it thinks of us. Thanks movie, we appreciate your confidence in our basic geography knowledge. I mean shit, even if it didn't say Qatar, you got the US Army in a desert, we're gonna have a pretty good guess what region of the world it is.<p> (Believe me, I am not good at geography, so if I was insulted it was pretty low.)<p> Anyway thankz Lamerz.

  • July 4, 2007, 2:01 a.m. CST

    runfoodrun

    by Bass Bastardson

    I enjoyed it the film somewhat more than vern did - I really did like th first hour or so - but I must say I agree with almost every other point he makes in his review. Did I HATE it? No. Was I underwhelmed and disappointed? Yes. I really feel like I was asking for very little from this movie. I went in totally prepared to check my brain at the door - and that is something I'm not usually very willing to do - but I've been waiting for a live action movie about giant robots that transform into cars since 1984. I knew that Transformers was an entirely silly and preposterous concept at it's very core, but I still excited for the wonder and spectacle of this movie to blow my inner child through the back of the theater. It didn't. Instead of wonder, I got giant robots hiding in the back yard while the teenage kid talks to his parents about masturbation. Instead of spectacle, I got close-ups of garbage smashing into more garbage. The theater I was in clapped at the end, and I just kind of went "eh"

  • July 4, 2007, 2:03 a.m. CST

    Uh Never Mind

    by Creative1

    Cloverfield looks fucking AWESOME.

  • July 4, 2007, 2:04 a.m. CST

    What was that noise?

    by lost.rules

    It's aliens from War of the Worlds! Now starring in the new J.J. Abrahms film, Cloverfield or whatever the fuck they'll call it.

  • July 4, 2007, 2:06 a.m. CST

    You're welcome, Vern. Glad to help.

    by Lamerz

    Really, though, I noticed it when it was up there but no way was I offended. I wouldn't be for any movie that did something like that. Just wasn't a big deal to me. <P>And my Qatar comment was really to some of the talkbackers who seemed upset over it.

  • July 4, 2007, 2:07 a.m. CST

    AnimalStructure and Creative1

    by Dotren

    Its not useless to say "I had fun". For many, that is the express reason they go to see a movie. Everything from the insanely expensive food to the theater atmosphere complete with an audience to laugh and cheer with. If you don't want to go for humor, or consider embarrassing moments between a teenage boy and girl to be childish then don't go see it. If you only enjoy movies like Lord of the Rings... movies that can be considered art both in story and visuals... then don't see this movie. It won't win anything for story but it may win something for an interesting actor or best special effects. Of course, I would also recommend avoiding 90% of the movies that will come out this year and possibly just waiting for the DVDs to come out after all the awards have been one. That way, you can let someone "professional" tell you if its worth seeing or not.

  • July 4, 2007, 2:08 a.m. CST

    Thank you VERN You are the man Please stay away

    by Phategod1

    Her is my review <p> I thought about this today about how to write this should I try to do it like a pro or right for the Talk backers. I've decided to say the hell with it, and just give it to you straight. Let me start with the positives Shai- as far as the Humans go, picks this movie up and carries it on his back being a veritable Atlas. Optimus Prime and Megatron are the only Transformers that got any real characterization. Prime is as noble as ever and You get a sense of how great a disdain for humans Megatron has especially in one scene where Megs and Prime fall of a roof and when Megatron comes to he's surrounded by humans and Megatron says "disgusting" and flicks a human. I said from the beginning it didn't matter what they looked like as long as they acted like the transformers I know and they (Optimus and Megatron) did Optimus looks like a tool with lips(and keeps them 99.9% of the time, even battles)and Megatron IS Megatron Even though he looks like a candelabra on steroids(and Since you cant tell who is doing the voice it didn't make sense to have Weaving do the voice over Welker). Now for the Bad parts. And man is there allot. The Autobots I'm pretty sure have distinct characters that separate them; You can tell by the few lines they have which they all have English accents (save for Jazz the Black one) But the poor decepticons, they have even fewer lines and none that tell us anything about them other then there names. every other Human performance other then Sam fit your A typical Action Movie you have the funny paranoid Black stereo type, The Government official who doesn't believe shit stinks still he's standing in it, Hot school girl who dresses way to slutty (I know I'm getting old because my first thought when I saw her was were the hell are her parents.) and the rest are here on Bay Isle. The fight scenes are as Indecipherable as any Bay movie You really can't tell what the hell is going on when the Transformers fight each other except for the death blows, and Ironhide suffers from Micheal-Bay-Matrix-rip-off-iti s. Also Bay needs to go back to film school and attend those lessons on Editing he missed the scene where BB fights Barricade Did I miss the part where BB gets a Megaman gun or the scene when Sam sees Bumble bee in robot for the 1st time Piss poor editing. And then there's the plot the Allspark resembles Vector Sigma but makes no sense why the hell would it be here on earth, and if it bring Machines to life why not make a army of autobots and what happened to Starscream frenzy, and barricade. And one John Tuturros overzealous Head of a secret government organization (Brent Spiner did it better in ID4)this has got be John's worse role ever. in short if your not paying attention to anything this is greatest movie of the summer If Optimus Prime is the only character you care about this is greatest movie of the summer But the truth is this is just another Over hyped over produced Bay movie alot of people are saying this has to be seen in theater but I think its the other way around I don't know what format Dreamworks has chosen but your best bet is to get a 42 to 50 incher HD wait till it comes out for one pick up a player and enjoy your ability to slow down that short ass scene where Optimus Fights Bonecrusher, Or the scene where The Autobots go to get the Allspark then they see bumble bee with a military convoy and with no rap they just follow suit. Or the scene where Optimus RUNS from U.S. spycopters . But as I said before the best way to see this movie is for free or not at all.

  • July 4, 2007, 2:09 a.m. CST

    Creative1

    by Dotren

    Sorry.. posted that too soon. I have no idea what that teaser was.. it didn't even seem to have a title or anything. I was guessing something like a Godzilla reboot :P

  • July 4, 2007, 2:10 a.m. CST

    So, even the mighty Vern is wrong occasionally....

    by Angry Mean Panda

    He is human after all.

  • July 4, 2007, 2:10 a.m. CST

    Seriously. I'm gonna make a trailer where the Lincoln

    by lost.rules

    Memorial is blown to smitherines. Then the Washington Monument will fall over. Then the Statue of Liberty will shatter to pieces. Then the White House will collapse on itself. Then every city in America will be seen in slow-mo blowing up in a Mushroom Cloud, and Blah, Blah, Blah. That trailer would get everyone Ooohhing and AWWwwwwing. Christ, people are idiots. I like explosions!

  • July 4, 2007, 2:11 a.m. CST

    And the CLOVERFIELD trailer was hot ...

    by Lamerz

    I can't wait to hear some more about this movie. Like, oh maybe a title or something. The trailer was put together very well. The noise was wierd. I read before someone thought one of the people running said something about a lion. Plus the growl? I dunno ... I can't see a big ass lion in NY. Great fuckin trailer in the vein of Godzilla of the late 90's. I doubt JJ will turn out a complete piece of shit though, ruining the promise of the trailer.

  • July 4, 2007, 2:12 a.m. CST

    You saw a different film than I, Vern

    by blackwood

    And fair enough. But I didn't check my brain, and I had a good time. It delighted me. That does not make me stupid, and your implying it does (ex. "If this is accepted as good entertainment then we're another step closer to the world of IDIOCRACY and the hit movie ASS.") shows you up as a snob. You've set your subjective experience of this film in this review as the benchmark for film-going intelligence. That's awfully confident and tacky.

  • July 4, 2007, 2:12 a.m. CST

    I love Vern and his reviews! This one is no exception.

    by DerLanghaarige

    But letting him review a Michael Bay movie is like letting me review a Tarantino movie. (Only that Vern's review is of ocurse a much better read.)

  • July 4, 2007, 2:15 a.m. CST

    lost.rules - it wasn't the destruction of Lady Liberty

    by Lamerz

    It was the way the trailer was shot, and the tense-ness following the "earthquake" and explosion. The head landing in the street was the weakest part. I like the mystery of it more than anything.

  • July 4, 2007, 2:15 a.m. CST

    CLOVERFIELD website

    by Scorpio

    http://www.1-18-08.com/

  • July 4, 2007, 2:19 a.m. CST

    Fair enough. The "surprise" was ruined for me earlier.

    by lost.rules

    MI3 still sucked, though. Hopefully, J.J. gets this right. Whatever it is. I heard some girl behind me saying, "Is this Godzillia 2?" I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

  • July 4, 2007, 2:24 a.m. CST

    Nice job, Scorpio!!!

    by zillabeast

    Wery nice!!

  • July 4, 2007, 2:24 a.m. CST

    He conjured up a Demon... He brought forth Bruno...

    by Alonzo Mosely

    And for his latest trick Vern summons up some text message speaking semi-retards to defend the honor of big explosions over actual plot...

  • July 4, 2007, 2:25 a.m. CST

    TINO: teh geh, teh suk....

    by thebearovingian

    Vern and Harry are totally spot-on about TINO. This movie was terrible. Too long, too idiotic. Who the hell thought that it was a good idea to invent this power that could turn machines on Earth into evil Transformers (yeah, the Mountain Dew vending machine)? Seriously, why did the Nokia phone in the bunker turn into a tiny little 666-Damien Transformer and not a peaceful robot? The Transformers were reduced to pretty much just comic relief (they say some amazingly stupid things). I'm really glad that the Autobots learned how to speak from the World Wide Web and found Sam from eBay. I will only try to mention parts of the suckage that others haven't so far. Didn't anyone else feel like Bay paid homage to his other films way to often? He blatantly reused the shot from Bad Boys 2 where the camera repeatedly circles around Will Smith and Martin Lawrence on one side of a wall and the bad guys on the opposite side. It looked like The Rock when Sam is running on the rooftop with a flare in his hand. You could go so far as saying he reused Armageddon type shots with the meteor shower arrival of Prime and the other Autobots (and the bastard even referenced Armageddon in the movie). Are you telling me that their only option is to crash land on Earth? They're sentient alien robots but they can't descend from space and make a clean landing? Hell, even the score sounded nearly identical to scores from other Bay films (and yes, you can even hear the Batman Begins theme while Sam and Mikaela are in the Sector Seven Escalades). What the hell was the purpose of finding Sam's grandfather's glasses when the government had the Allspark cube anyway AND that stupid fuckin little Gremlin robot had downloaded all those Top Secret government files? MegaGremlin sucked too. Why the hell did they voice cast Hugo Weaving? You'd never be able to tell its him unless you were told beforehand. Did anyone else laugh when Megatron asked Sam, "What is it that compels you? Fear or courage?", b/c it was a little too reminiscent of Agent Smith in Matrix Reloaded. There's so much more crap it's unreal. I shook my head in disgust often. I asked, "WTF?!" often. To say "meh" would be too much of an compliment.

  • July 4, 2007, 2:26 a.m. CST

    Fucking brilliant review, sir.

    by El Scorcho

    I applaud you. Not only did this review reflect exactly what I thought of the movie, but it was 10x funnier than the movie itself.

  • July 4, 2007, 2:33 a.m. CST

    Hey Alonzo - fuck off, ya prick.

    by Lamerz

    Did ya know that people can have differing opinions on shit without being retards? Seriously. Did ya ever learn that? <P>Bitterness ensues when Transformers makes bucketloads of $$$ and millions of people actually enjoy themselves. But wait, they are all retards! Alonzo sez so!

  • July 4, 2007, 2:38 a.m. CST

    is LaBoof as irritating as the Mac Guy was in DIE HARD?

    by TallBoy66

    That Goddamn Mac Guy blew a hole of pure suckage right through any enjoyment I had in that flick. That and the villian was lame. And it desperately needed more swearing and blood. And less Len Wiseman Underworld style acrobatics and style that clashed with Die Hard's old school vibe. I'm actually hoping Transformers will clense my palate after that flick. But, yeah, Shia LaBoof is on the same level as the Mac Guy to me, so that ain't good.

  • July 4, 2007, 2:43 a.m. CST

    TallBoy - LeBouf is actually good in TF

    by Lamerz

    Seriously.

  • July 4, 2007, 2:43 a.m. CST

    thank you.

    by mikeysthbigwinner

    you put into words EVERYTHING that was wrong with that movie. there were points in the film where i had to be "that guy" in the theatre and audibly say "am i actually hearing this dialogue right now?" and "where are the transformers?" thank you, sir. for getting everything right.

  • July 4, 2007, 2:45 a.m. CST

    the trailer with liberty head was for bad robot-

    by Admiral Kirk

    it said it in little bitty text

  • July 4, 2007, 2:45 a.m. CST

    Alonzo

    by Dotren

    It did have a plot and it was no more complex than the original cartoon. I suppose they could have made it more complex but why make it something it obviously wasn't intended to be? Besides, had they made it more complex it just would have further alienated the people who wanted a faithful G1 movie and then there would have been just as much complaining.. just from different people. And if you're going to argue about the plot of the original source material being more complex than this, lets face it... it was basically a war between two factions who were almost out of natural resources, they crash land on Earth, deliver cheesy one liners and hit each other while trying to exploit or defend Earth's resources (which can get turned into Energon Cubes) and people. Granted, there was a lot more material later than that but thats how the cartoon started.

  • July 4, 2007, 2:46 a.m. CST

    Why Transformers is Awesome

    by blackwood

    The mini-con reminded me fondly of Gremlins. Actually, the whole thing reminded me of Gremlins and Gremlins 2, which are awesome. I found Shia LaBouef (Billy) surprisingly charming. And Bernie Mac did his Bernie Mac (uncle who brings Gizmo) thing sharp and smarmy. That Fox lady (Phoebe Cates) had that thing with her dad (trenchcoat monologue). I kind of hated John Turturo (old lady with the electric staircase chair), but all the other performances were pretty good and played for quirks, like Gremlins.<br><br> I feel confident using the words 'zany' and 'screwball' to describe the proceedings. I was awed by the robots. And sometimes confused, but mostly awed. Optimus Prime was great. I wish there had been more robots, but there was enough for an origin film. <br><br>This isn't the GIANT SERIOUS ROBOTS movie I've always wanted, not by a long shot - but it is definitely the GIANT MADCAP ROBOTS flick I wasn't expecting. <br><br>I'm not stupid. I have not lowered my expectations. No one is the arbiter of worth on the character of any subjective experience but their own. People who assert otherwise are possibly retarded. <br><br>Oh, and by the way: calling someone 'sir' on the internet is like calling the guy you're blowing 'daddy' - it's just a little creepy.

  • July 4, 2007, 2:46 a.m. CST

    Look, Vern hated A Scanner Darkly...

    by Billyeveryteen

    He couldn't make the journey. The kid in front of me clearly recognized Megatron transforming into a jet-thingy.<p>Is Vern an idiot? Look to his taste in DTV. While I agree that the robot designs are stupidly overcomplicated, I give this a pass purely for the visceral thrill.<p>Vern gives a pass to MUCH shittier garbage.

  • July 4, 2007, 2:49 a.m. CST

    Wow, this be a long talk back...

    by Tourist

    So I saw the movie. I didn't really want to, but caved to peer pressure. As far as I'm concerned, the creative team behind this have been responsible for shit and more shit. The trailers, posters and design all sucked horrendous balls. The movie lived up to my expectations. It was turdalicous. Most of the reasons for it's being balls have been discussed ad nauseum on here, so I won't waste your time. But I will share the news that I DO find people who enjoyed this beneath me. I do look down on them with contempt. To enjoy this film, as an adult with a moderate amount of worldly experience or exposure to creative arts, shows a magnificent lack of imagination or creativity. There is no 'spectacle' here. There are no giant robots thumping on each other. Just a bunch of messy looking cartoons interacting with some poorly scripted human actors. Like a particuarly noisy and dumb child's version of Roger Rabbit. But, as Opa Opa kindly pointed out, this movie was not made for audiences like myself, it was made for the folks that had a pretty good time with Scooby Doo and Fantastic Four and Garfield and who think American Idol is kind of fun in a disposable way. I.e, Vermin. To rag on Vern's appreciation of low budget, idiosyncratic modestly released action movies as a comparisson to this film is pointless. This is a 150 million dollar product designed to entertain, excite and emotionally move large quantities of people. A production that has every advantage money can buy. It should not only be in the same leauge as the great popular entertainments of yester year, but be able to surpass them. Of course, the supply changes with the demand, and from these talkbacks, the demand clearly seems to be for shit. Mediocre, uncreative compost pile cinema. The world doesn't want craftsmanship, intelligent and creative entertainment, and certainly not art. It wants piss jokes and shiny things (literally, as the animated mess on screen struggled to resemble robots fighting, breaking down to essentially whoosy noises and flashing colours). Yes I bitched, but I can't stand the incessant stupidity contained in the criticisms at people are simply not retarded enough to join the sheeple and worship mediocrity. Tell you what, i'll leave your infantile light show alone, if you stop insisting I self induce a coma like state to enjoy your crap. Dreamworks is already spending hundreds of millions of dollars trying to get me to do that. They don't need your help too.

  • July 4, 2007, 2:51 a.m. CST

    Vern... the problem with your review is...

    by Spice-Orange

    that this is transformers. what did you want? of COURSE there's going to be cheesy cartoon lines and silly crap going on. its based on a CARTOON. about ROBOTS. that TRANSFORM. if you're looking for Shakespeare, go somewhere else. This was a fun, stupid, popcorn movie that is SUPER shallow and SUPER eye candy. was ANYONE expecting anything else? seriously? this movie rocked! its everything i wanted. it FELT like how the cartoons felt like. that equals success. sorry Vern, i think you're finally wrong about a movie! but good shot and i still want to have your babies.

  • July 4, 2007, 2:51 a.m. CST

    Dotren, couldnt agree with you more on all your points.

    by Mike_D

    My thoughts exactly, its a fun movie.

  • July 4, 2007, 2:52 a.m. CST

    One more thing

    by Phategod1

    One more Positive no one agrees with me on is Frenzy, Not for what he was but for what he could have become. If they would have given him the voice of a punk kid from new york he Would have stole the show. the Kill Bill thing was as a annoying because It was a giant Car commercial as is 75% of the whole movie. But the way BB pulls up and The camera catches the Camaro badge is just a insipid as the transforming Mountain Dew machine, Nokia Phone, and X-box 360. And here's the thing I love Mountain Dew, Nokia's, and I have a X-box 360. But with The Product placement Bayed Whored the Shit out of this movie.

  • July 4, 2007, 2:55 a.m. CST

    Vern this is a stupid review.....

    by avalanche175

    I personally think that if you thought about what this movie is based on, this review would never be written. Have you ever watched the cartoon? It is a campy, almost no plot, lifeless cartoon. I love it because it was fun. If you read into it that much, well you missed the point. This review is pretty much dumb on so many levels. I am hugr fan of all genre of films. I never go into Jurassic Park and compare it to Breathless. Why? It's stupid! I would never write a review on a camp film. It's camp and so was the show. You really can't hate one without the other. The movie was fun and thats all it needed to be.

  • July 4, 2007, 2:55 a.m. CST

    Admiral Kirk - Bad Robot

    by Allfather Starr

    Is JJ Abrahms production company.

  • July 4, 2007, 2:57 a.m. CST

    incorrect

    by avalanche175

    I meant to spell h-u-g-e. Damn't

  • July 4, 2007, 2:58 a.m. CST

    Tourist - you are a fuckin comedian

    by Lamerz

    That post actually made me laugh. Another one that can't accept opinions differing from his own. Those who disagree must be somehow defective. They could not possibly enjoy something that Tourist hated.

  • July 4, 2007, 2:58 a.m. CST

    I saw this tonight,

    by the darkman

    and I'm not a Michael Bay "Hater" as you guys call them, but I don't love every movie he does. Personally the only movie he's done that I really liked was The Rock, and I still feel it's one of the better action movies of the last 15 years not that there's been much else. I enjoyed Bad Boys 2 on some level, but it's far from great. Pearl Harbor had one redeeming factor, and that was the attack on Pearl Harbor, other than that it sucked big time. Armageddon was a waste of time in my eyes. I know the man can shoot pretty images, with the sun in the background as the camera whippes around the characters, and he's even managed to shoot a couple good action scenes. Tonight I saw some poorly shot action scenes, with several bad scenes of something that tried resembled a story. I liked the cartoon from the 80's, but I was also willing to give the new designs a chance, but they just didn't work. To busy, and really they just looked like shit on the big screen. Yeah the effects looked good, but what good does great effects do you when you can't see what the hell is going on. Someone needs to sit Michael Bay down, and show him how to cut his action scenes. I really believe these are some of the worst edited action scenes I've ever seen on the big screen. I don't know when it became considered good film-making to make a cut every fucking second, but to me it's just poor film-making, period. Now I will disagree with Vern on Shia Lefeouf, I thought his character was the only real character in the whole fucking movie. I bought his performance, and I really enjoyed that aspect of the movie. Megan Fox is insanely hot, and I didn't mind her character that much so I won't complain about her. John Turturro on the other hand, he's a really good actor, but here I was groaning everytime he spoke, it was so over the top I just couldn't stand it. John Voight was pretty much the same, another good actor wasted with this shit. Then there were the characters that had no business even being in the movie, I'm looking right at the useless hackers on this one. Someone before me said something that when the robots were fighting you really couldn't tell who was who, and I have to agree. These designs sucked so bad on screen that I really had a hard time telling which robot was which, and it really took me out of the movie. I could go on, and on. I was really just hoping for a good time at the movies, and I somewhat got that, but I really can't recommend anyone paying $10 to see this in the theaters. I mean I've liked some bad films in the past, and I've even liked some of the big movies before this, but this movie just droped the ball. The blame has to go on the writers, and Michael Bay on this one. I'm surprised that Spielburg had any part in this. I think I'll go to bed, and try to forget about this movie. Have fun guys!

  • July 4, 2007, 3 a.m. CST

    Tourist, you said it man

    by IndustryKiller!

    Vermin indeed

  • July 4, 2007, 3:02 a.m. CST

    God.

    by Tolkoto

    This is one of the most unnecessarily negative reviews I've read for a movie in a long time. It's not evey day that a single film is blamed for the collapse of our society, or at least supposedly a symbol of it. Here's the facts, though. I saw this movie in a full theater. During the whole thing, the audience was cmopletely into it. They cheered and laughed exactly when they were supposed to. I saw this movie with about a dozen people, most of which were not framiliar with the cartoon, and they all love it. This movie is a crowd pleaser, and I'm going to choose to base it's quality on the reaction I saw it get. And if I go by that, then this is by far the best film released this summer.

  • July 4, 2007, 3:03 a.m. CST

    BTW Tourist - Scooby Doo and Fantastic Four & Garfield

    by Lamerz

    sucked. Yet TF kicked ass and was FUN. FUN. FUN. FUN. <P>See? People can actually have differing opinions without the world collapsing into a black hole. You hated TF, so did Harry. Apprently you think only retards like FF, yet Harry liked it. Is Harry a retard or genius? What's is your ruling on this one, oh great film god? Please enlighten the retards who enjoyed TF and actually were able to have a good time!!!!

  • July 4, 2007, 3:03 a.m. CST

    As far as the vending machine and iphone

    by Admiral Kirk

    -apparently these robot's bodies are comprised of nano technology that utilizes force fields and matter/temporal conversion-They seem capable of molecular level form and mass exchange as seen when they fold down into vehicles that seem smaller than their robot forms.So I propose that the cube zaps objects with a transporter beam full of nanites that deconstruct the molecular bonds of the object -then the nanites replicate themselves as much as they need and manufacture the materials necessary to build the robot body -and all the various projectiles that fill it's guns- from out of the metal and plastic of the object in question.This building is done at a phenomenal rate-the nanites use temporal flux to place their molecules in a parallel universe during this process to speed up manufacturing time.These nanites are like the cells of the autobot's bodies-changing their paint color, expanding and contracting their mass with forcefields and enertial dampeners, and fixing scratches in the paint- we actually have the scratch nanotech-hence a vending machine becomes a death dealing robot in a couple of seconds-duh guys- I shouldn't have to explain this shit to you- didn't you ever watch startrek? They only reference it like 30 times in the movie.

  • July 4, 2007, 3:04 a.m. CST

    Tourist

    by Dotren

    You're truly an inspiring representation of the elitist movie-critic club. You apparently had your mind made up about the whole thing before you even bought your ticket.. you admitted as much in the first three sentences. Why did you even go? If you don't like pizza and fast food, don't freaking eat pizza and fast food. If you can't stand anything but Academy Award material and consider anything else dribble and trash then don't go see it. Reality check though, it doesn't make you better than anyone else. I like what I like and you like what I like. I liked ID4, Armageddon, The Rock, and Transformers. Why? They were fun action flicks. I paid the price of a movie ticket and had some fun and laughs with my friends. Some of them were even worth buying the DVD. Occasionally I simply feel like watching something fun and fun doesn't necessarily involve deep plot. Being an adult doesn't mean turning your back on the things you discovered as a child. I'm writing this on the off chance you'll actually read it. I figure you're either eagerly awaiting the flames you knew this would incite or feeling high and mighty as you log off, convinced that you just proved your superiority to the lower members of society. I don't think I'll ever change your opinion, but it would be nice to show you that there are some people out there that enjoy things like this and yet also enjoy much deeper plots as well. Cheers :)

  • July 4, 2007, 3:05 a.m. CST

    IndustryKiller! That's right! You said it!

    by Lamerz

    Only vermin, those less-than-humans could enjoy this. After all yours is the only right opinion.

  • July 4, 2007, 3:08 a.m. CST

    Dotren

    by IndustryKiller!

    If the crap you listed didn't exist at the expense of good action pics then maybe you would have a point, but they do. Tourist is right. Just because you feel insulted doesn't mean its wrong.

  • July 4, 2007, 3:09 a.m. CST

    Thanks Lamerz

    by IndustryKiller!

    Knew you would agree. Tra-la-la.

  • July 4, 2007, 3:10 a.m. CST

    It's amazing how many fuckwads think that

    by Lamerz

    there are absolutes in subjectivity. With all their shit like ... My way or the highway!! You're either with us (that hate TF) or you are against us. Sound familiar? You cannot disagree with me on this. If you do, you are fucking retarded. Stupid. Tasteless. Because I define what is good. Not you. <P>Fuckin dumbasses.

  • July 4, 2007, 3:11 a.m. CST

    Slightly off topic, but...true story.

    by The Dum Guy

    My parents are moving to Qatar in like a month.<br><br>I told them that giant robots would kill them if they go there... but do they listen? No.<br><br>I would hate to end-up on CNN explaining how awful it is to be orphaned by giant f(cliche)ing robots...<br><br>And the death of my parents might also bother me... but, not as much as an alien invasion.

  • July 4, 2007, 3:13 a.m. CST

    Hey

    by the darkman

    I'm glad some people found enjoyment with this movie, and the audience I saw it with ate this movie up as well, but that didn't sway my opinion. I did have fun with certain parts, but as a whole, and I'm well aware that the cartoon was cheesy, but there's still no reason for the lack of imagination that went into this movie. I'm all for spectacle, but I really like my spectacle at least executed better than this. Hell everyone rags on Independence Day, but that was directed better than this movie. At least in that movie you could tell what the hell was going on when the action hit. It's been one thing that really gets me pissed is when I see action in a movie shot like a music video. Cuts here, cuts there, cuts everywhere. I'm really surprised that people don't go into an seizure when they watch this. I'm all for moving the camera, but shit once in awhile you have to lock that thing down so we the people watching can get a good look. Good night all!

  • July 4, 2007, 3:13 a.m. CST

    Come to think of it, Transformers does remind me of...

    by mr. brownstone

    TORQUE. Transformers is like TORQUE with giant robots... at least in the way it looks and is edited. I didn't hate Transformers as much as Vern, but I agree with almost every one of his points.

  • July 4, 2007, 3:14 a.m. CST

    Im diggin this Cloverfield trailer on the youtube

    by zillabeast

    Thanks, scorpio!

  • July 4, 2007, 3:15 a.m. CST

    he's right. transformers was awful.

    by mindgrapes

    one of the worst things i'd ever seen.

  • July 4, 2007, 3:15 a.m. CST

    Lamerz

    by IndustryKiller!

    Honestly dude I wouldnt care what crap you watch on your own time if it didn't get greenlighted at the expense of another, better project. If filmmakers like Michael Bay didn't get work at the expense of filmmakers who would make better films with better directed action without the syrupy horseshit, but he does. You people seem to thinkt hat Hollywood has unlimited resources. They are close, but only so many films can get made at one time. There are only so many directors that get those kinds of budgets and to the detriment of planet Earth Michael bay is one of them. I would like that to change, and it starts with the public actually being slightly self aware of what they are watching and the damage it's success causes.

  • July 4, 2007, 3:16 a.m. CST

    In 5 years when we all live in caves, don't forget

    by Lamerz

    Transformers and Michael Bay caused society to collapse.

  • July 4, 2007, 3:17 a.m. CST

    IndustryKiller!

    by Dotren

    Actually I don't feel insulted at all. Why should I? Since I believe a movie should be about entertainment and the experience you have while viewing it and I've had great times watching those movies. I do feel sorry for you guys though. It must be horrible walking around and viewing each person you talk to as someone who could possibly corrupt your idea of a pure human gene pool. Do you disown your friends and family when they say they simply enjoyed a summer blockbuster?

  • July 4, 2007, 3:18 a.m. CST

    Yes, you are...

    by Tourist

    ...Defective. You are a lesser human being. I made that clear. You are not (supposedly) an eight year old boy. You did not grow up in mud hut in ecuador with only a bible and a piece of chalk for education and entertainment. You are an adult, who has probally been exposed to hundreds if not thousands of hours of art, comedy and audio/visual media. But you find this stimulating. This holds your attention for more than two hours. The fact that there is less interesting creative ideas or visuals at work in this film, than there is in your average episode of cops, but none the less entertains you does make you an idiot. It's not because we differ of opinion. It's that your opinion is put forth by you, a retard. Just like I wont listen to a child or a retard for advice on open heart surgery, I most likely wont listen to your advice on this movie. By the way, I know Harry liked Fantastic Four. I've read alot of his reviews. Nice guy. Wouldn't issue him with a drivers lisence though. I know Moriarty enjoyed Transformers too. Rent his episodes of Masters Of Horror. Remember what I said about fans of this particular film lacking creativity? As for people enjoying this film not indicating the end of the world, one only has to look at the collective stupidity that leads to incidents like the third reich or the salem witch trials. Now, just because people may have only momentarily regressed to infantilism during the two and a half hours they spent inside the cinema with Transformers doesn't mean they will maintain that level of stupidity upon leaving the cinema. But, you know, where there is smoke, there is often fire...Anyway, to answer the same question posited again and again, "Its transformers, what did you expect!", I expected nothing from the team involved. But theres no reason you couldnt make an interesting filmed spectacular out of giant robots breaking things. In fact, it takes a special level of incompetence to make giant robots hitting each other as boring and obnoxious as Bay and friends did.

  • July 4, 2007, 3:20 a.m. CST

    IndustryKiller!

    by Dotren

    Its funny how you think all this stuff is trash and yet you look over the chance that the movies you'd rather be made just aren't good ideas in comparison. Just think, for every movie that you think is crap, hollywood must think your favorite stuff is even crapier :P

  • July 4, 2007, 3:24 a.m. CST

    IK - I hear ya, but ...

    by Lamerz

    Hollywood is a business. And I think other people will benefit from this. They know people like thrill rides. Like my Disneyland analogy earlier ... Hollywood greenlit this because they knew Bay would deliver visceral thrills. And he has. A lot of people have enjoyed it. Theme parks spend millions on rides that people will spend maybe 20 minutes actually riding in their entire lives. This was a 2 hour thrill ride, that will make some serious fuckin dough. Don't ya think that will get a lot of other projects greenlit as a result? Including the smaller, arty films. They won't all be Bay's.

  • July 4, 2007, 3:25 a.m. CST

    No Dotren I don't disown them

    by IndustryKiller!

    But I do laugh. Maybe I'm an asshole, but I would rather be an asshole than be contributing to the filth that Michael Bay pushes on us. So throw your "mean people suck" bumper sticker on you automobile and keep liking the taste of shit.

  • July 4, 2007, 3:25 a.m. CST

    so.... that "Cloverfield" thing looks kinda cool...

    by The Dum Guy

    I have nothing else to add, other than you should check it out on YouTube before they take it down, seriously.

  • July 4, 2007, 3:26 a.m. CST

    Sadly, Tourist

    by blackwood

    It's not us mouth-breathers that lead to the downfall of society - it's folk like you, deciding other folk are defective for some arbitrary reason, which inevitably leads the witch-Jew-transfan hunting, burning and general genociding. I'm sorry you're a discontent sociopath. It must be hard on the family you've killed and eaten.

  • July 4, 2007, 3:26 a.m. CST

    Tourist

    by Dotren

    And yet your spending your time talking about it... shouldn't you be immersed in higher art by now? "As for people enjoying this film not indicating the end of the world, one only has to look at the collective stupidity that leads to incidents like the third reich or the salem witch trials." Now that has to be the most idiotic thing I've read in weeks. Thanks for the laugh though :) Seriously though, by simply visiting this site your tainting your higher intellect and degrading yourself.. please, leave.

  • July 4, 2007, 3:26 a.m. CST

    Tourist - again, fuck off. You are what is wrong.

    by Lamerz

    That is all.

  • July 4, 2007, 3:27 a.m. CST

    Lamerz pt. 2

    by IndustryKiller!

    What good projects it will get greenlighted is up in the air. WHat isn't up in the air is that more mediocre genre crap WILL get greenlighted as a result. The action/adventure genre will never get better, it will either stay in it's current disgusting state or get even worse, if that is at all possible.

  • July 4, 2007, 3:29 a.m. CST

    I agree

    by rajium32

    I didn't like it. just crap drama, waste of ILM's ama2ing work-close ups?? WTF?? show some scale, real beauty shots. the writers got paid for ripping off the first Transformers movie and keeping just as much a shitty AD for new toys and cars. So much typical whitebred bubble view of the fucking world with its boring ass typical jock small guy scene, hot babe, with dirty secret bs. Shai was good though, very impressed actually. Took shit scenes and dialogue and made me interested. People who make these movie will never listen to the pleading people like me make when we say give us some fucking story! It's not that hard!!!

  • July 4, 2007, 3:29 a.m. CST

    Heil Tourist!

    by Lamerz

    Hurry up guys ... they are warming up the ovens. Bow down to the Fuhrer now before he tattoos your ass, shaves your head, and then fuckin burns you.

  • July 4, 2007, 3:29 a.m. CST

    IndustryKiller!

    by Dotren

    Your name is probably about correct.. with all the movies you'd kill every year if you had your say, Hollywood would probably keel. What would you do if you found I actually enjoyed a movie you liked? I wonder if that would earn me some brownie points or if you'd suddenly have a change of heart about the movie.

  • July 4, 2007, 3:32 a.m. CST

    Lamerz and Blackwood

    by Dotren

    Blackwood - well said and Lamerz I had to stop typing for a moment because I was laughing so hard :P I believe we've just invoked Godwin's Law.

  • July 4, 2007, 3:35 a.m. CST

    You know what movie I just saw?

    by Colonel Activity

    You, Me and Dupree. Man, did it suck. What are we talking about again? Bukkake?

  • July 4, 2007, 3:36 a.m. CST

    Don Murphy calls Vern a "Hillbilly"

    by Kirbymanly

    over at Hollywood Elsewhere because of his review! Know what? Vern's review is the best thing I've read on this site in years. Bravo to you, friend! There should be more shit on this site like that. It was well thought out and firmly articulate. Please post more.

  • July 4, 2007, 3:52 a.m. CST

    Holy shit.

    by DocPazuzu

    Quite possibly your finest review ever, Vern. <p> "So in a way, that does explain to me why some people might enjoy this. Some people like to be whipped and peed on." <p> Solid gold.

  • July 4, 2007, 3:53 a.m. CST

    AINT IT COOL TO...

    by jedimast3r

    ...NOT LIKE COOL MOVIES!! Okay, I know coming here and reading the AICN staffers' self-gloriated reviews is usually skittish at best, but I think I'm finally gonna try a new site after all this time.<p> Why?<p> 1) I am SO FUCKING TIRED of the first fucking 8 pages of their reviews starting with "I didn't get laid back in the 1970s, I went to draft houses, I read and watch all the coolest, unrecognizable (probably made-up) obscure movies, TV shows, books, comic-books, which all validate my existence as a reviewer and earns me the right to write this review blah blah blah blah" bullshit. By the time you read their into/background nonsense you wish you went to another site altogether. NOONE CARES ABOUT YOUR HISTORY. REVIEW THE FUCKING MOVIES.<p> 2) Because jesus christ Transformers IS AN AWESOME SUMMER FUN FLICK. It really, really is - finally a movie this year that was pure entertainment from start to finish, without cringeworthy moments, without gay dance moments or bad CGI starring Jessica Alba. <p> Transformers kicks ass from start to finish, and even though we are robotless for 45 minutes, it doesnt matter because Shia Lebouf is entertaining as all hell (make no mistake, he's a star after today). The CGI is amazing (the first movie this year we can finally say that) and the action is well balanced with moments of light humor.<p> The biggest thing Transformers does right is that the Autobots and Decepticons were nailed. Completely done right, and it felt like the cartoon when you watched them in action or heard them - and I have to say that it was the most important thing. Optimus was such a good character in the 80s and they kept his heart true to form for this new franchise. Perfect!<p> And Vern is so wrapped up in dissecting the flaws of the movie that he unvalidates his whole motive by not realizing that we needed time with the human characters for us to be able to put ourselves in the same position as the Autobots. We had to care somewhat for the humans, especially Sam, because the robots did. And in the end it comes together nicely and works very very well.<p> If there were reviewers that reviewed movie review websites (say that 5 times fast) they would most certainly stop by here at AICN and realize that this staff is now outdated and archaic - much in need of a step back and maybe reinvention of the way they approach their columns and editorials. I finally lost faith in AICN with Vern's review and I'm moving on elsewhere.<p> Learn to enjoy movies again when you watch them guys - not operate on them. :(

  • July 4, 2007, 3:57 a.m. CST

    Thanks, Vern

    by Franklin T Marmoset

    I don't know where this idea came from that because it's a summer blockbuster we should just shut up and have it shoved down our throats, no matter how awful it tastes. "What did you expect? It's poo! Of course it tastes like poo!" That kind of thinking. It's a weird 21st century phenomenon, I think, and before you know it people will be saying "Sure, this new summer tentpole doesn't make a lick of sense and is not even a tiny bit entertaining, but if you hit yourself in the eye with hammer before it starts, it's actually not that bad!"<p>Hopefully, there will still be a few Verns left to tell us the emperor has not clothes.

  • July 4, 2007, 4:09 a.m. CST

    Hi, I'm Doctor Vern,

    by Basehead

    veterinarian and this is my talking dog, Socky. How about Bay doing the A-Team movie next year? you thought the transformers had a big fanbase... if he does this one he will get killed for sure and his other movies will forever be classics... hahahahahaha

  • July 4, 2007, 4:10 a.m. CST

    Yes, tis true...

    by Tourist

    That I may be a sociopath, but at least my family lives on forever inside of me. Plus they wont be subjected to any more Transformers commercials.

  • July 4, 2007, 4:18 a.m. CST

    "kid listening to punk...or stabbing his grandparents"

    by Bob Cryptonight

    Jesus, Vern! I almost suffocated from laughter on that one!

  • July 4, 2007, 4:20 a.m. CST

    my biggest comment on bay...

    by El Borak

    is that afterseeing armageddon in th theater i remember later trying to think back on the movie and i really couldn't remember what the hell happened in it!<BR> <BR>their wasn'nt even enough substance or story to reflect on. let's see, there was a big asteroid and bruce willis blew it up at the end. um.. and that's it. what the hell else happened? i don't know!

  • July 4, 2007, 4:24 a.m. CST

    Big robots rule!!

    by PezQ

    Just testing....ah, WORKS!!

  • July 4, 2007, 4:30 a.m. CST

    Thank you Vern

    by QuinnTheEskimo

    Vern is a film reviewing god. Also, I'd like to say that Vern saying that the cheap DTV movie's he loves aren't bad while trashing this film and summer blockbusters in general are hardly the same thing, because Transformers cost several hundred million dollars, while those DTV films don't cost shit. These are held to a different standard. I big summer popcorn flick should be a good thing, and it shouldn't mean turning off your brain.

  • July 4, 2007, 4:32 a.m. CST

    I felt so bad for Peter Cullen

    by QuinnTheEskimo

    He's in there doing his best to sound dignified while delivering god-awful lines. The entire scene where they're in Shia's backyard was retarded.

  • July 4, 2007, 4:47 a.m. CST

    Vern, you are just like me

    by CuervoJones

    Well, you have talent and i don´t, but...

  • July 4, 2007, 4:51 a.m. CST

    Vern...

    by Mace Tofu

    I read most of the reviews and talkbacks before I saw the movie today so I went in knowing what most of the complaints were. As long as any plot point is covered even with a throw-away line I'll cut a movie slack. You open up that even in the first scene things like the INDIAN OPERATOR or GUY TALKING ABOUT HIS ASS turned you off to the movie. I was just on the phone this week with an Indian operator about my HD player Firmware update disk so I thought that part WAS FUNNY. The ASS joke was about which pocket his credit card was in because he had about 6 pockets and a Giant robot was attacking so they didn't have time to look through all six. I could go on and on but if your nit-picking stuff like that 5 minutes into the movie WTF? Both the pee jokes got big laughs at the showing I was at.( I also thought the Pee joke in ANIMAL HOUSE was funny so while I didn't bust a gut at this gag being reused in TF it didn't kill the movie for me) When I was 16 I had a sport car and spent many an hour at the park chasing tail so those parts of the movie didn't bother me. I'm 44 and had a good time watching stuff blow up real good. I still think T2 & Aliens are better action movies than TF. I still think the CGI work done in STARSHIP TROOPERS was better than TF. I would even go as far as saying ID4 IS a better DUMB SCI-FI than TF. I did enjoy TF and did not think it was TOO LONG. I rented TRANSMORPHERS from Blockbuster and had to hit the fast forward on that one even though it was an hour shorter than TRANSFORMERS. The whole robots hiding outside the house scene only seemed like a few minutes and not 40 like some here claim. The parents think it is an earthquake as the robots walk around and the 'Bots were out of view when the parents looked out of the window thinking the yard damage was from the "earthquake", how can you bitch about stuff the script covers. The tooth fairy joke was the only one I noticed that was for 5 year old girls. Can't this movie have one joke for your little sister? ( well 3 if you count the pee jokes) The things I was bitching about were stuff like " That shot of the Helicopter heading to DC looks like the motion tracking was a little off" or " WOW were those stray pixles in the wrong place in 2 frames of the fight between Bumblebee & Barricade" and my biggest complaint is at the end they didn't use "YOU GOT THE TOUCH" when Sam is about to bang Mikaela on Bumblebee's hood in front of all the Autobots.

  • July 4, 2007, 4:51 a.m. CST

    Thank GOd for Vern

    by Lost Prophet

    he's like a lighthouse at the end of a sea of shit,

  • July 4, 2007, 4:52 a.m. CST

    To Vern *Applause*

    by Sundaycall1

    It's about time someone said it. Not just about this movie but this increasing trend of apologising for lazy, excessive and incoherent film-making because a) people saw something shiny onscreen and it was pretty, or b) they really wanted the movie to be awesome and are in deep denial. And to those who hide behind the oh so tired view of "Dude, it's a movie about *insert highly unlikely premise*, fucking lighten up!". Yes it's about big robots beating the shit out of each other. Therefore any gapping flaws in basic film-making and storytelling that occur shall not be complained about..... FUCK OFF. Buying into the High concept set-ups do not mean you cannot reject a poorly made film. Take Aliens, basic premise. 'Army guys battle space monsters'. That's it, that's the main set-up (never mind the under current motherhood themes). Look at the construction of the action sequences in that film, the way the story progresses, how tension is built, the performances and chemistry between the actors, the dialogue, the lighting, the creature effects, the pay offs. Then watch Alien Vs Predator. Premise Army/archeologists battle space monsters. They even end with the same confrontation. Alien Queen escapees and goes apeshit. Now hold those two movies up side by side and tell me you can't tell the difference between a great event flick and a piece of shit. Tell me a daft premise means you can't make a great movie. That a movie about giant robots couldn't have been something truely great and we should have just left our brains out of it and "had a good time" and excuse the level of of fuckin sub-standard work (aside from the highly accomplished effects work, confusing as it was) in the movie. I salute you Vern.

  • July 4, 2007, 4:53 a.m. CST

    No movie about a line of toys can be "cool"

    by Bob Cryptonight

    Sorry, assholes. I mean, if you are under ten years old and see this, well then, fine. That's how advertising and toy commercials are SUPPOSED to work on immature minds. They want you to see the movie then buy the toy or buy the toy and watch the cartoon, then eat fast food just to get a special cup with a picture of the toy, etc. But Jesus H. Ratfuck!!! If you are an adult why the hell would you even WANT to see this? Even IF you loved the toys AS A KID...I mean, geez, grow up you idiots. This movie looks bad. It is based on toys that were extremely unimaginative to begin with. The cartoons were horrible and poorly animated. But, well, I guess most of you will probably be in line for the LUCKY CHARMS movie, too, eh? God bless ya...

  • July 4, 2007, 4:55 a.m. CST

    Vern is so right it's scary

    by Sheeld

    I was looking forward to Transformers so badly, even when I hate every Bay movie except his first two, and for about an hour I had trouble wrapping my head around the fact this was so much worse than I could ever have imagined, but goddamn did Bay fuck this up big time. I wish someone like Emmerich would have made this one, at least then we'd actually have a couple of 'holy shit' moments - other than: "Holy shit, Bay fumbled ANOTHER possible great moment." Absolute garbage.

  • July 4, 2007, 4:57 a.m. CST

    Thank you Vern

    by bender7

    C'mon people Vern is the best reviewer on here. If you liked it, the basic fact is that you like a shit movie. Admit it. Don't be all like "It's based on a cartoon so of course it's dumb, so it's ok to like it", or "It's a Summer Action Blockbuster Crapfest so if it's midly watchable then it's good." It's crap and dumb

  • July 4, 2007, 4:59 a.m. CST

    Vern kept a good friend and that's what matters.

    by Pan_Krator

    I like how Vern makes the important point at the end of his review, that friendship is more important than overbudgeted bad movies. -- But I'm also worried: what if the Idiocracy is already upon us? :-S

  • July 4, 2007, 5:08 a.m. CST

    To Sundaycall1 exactly.... totally on the money!

    by scottylans

    Couldn't have said it better myself.

  • July 4, 2007, 5:10 a.m. CST

    Not as sarcastic and ascerbic as usual but...

    by FILMFUNK

    it's good to get a polar oposite opinion because I was getting worried that this could in no way match all the hyperbole, specially as we have a bit still to waite here in the UK.<P>But sometimes when negativity rules a review it can simply become a checklist of hate, I found a lot to like about Spiderman 3 but so much more pissed me off that in the end I hated on the whole thing and disregard it's existance. Hopefully I can get some enjoyement from this because it at least looks like a fun if not entirely subtle thrill ride.<P>I felt the same way about Pirates 1 & 2 after the decent first film they just went mental and crammed enough stuff to fill 10 movies but a lot of it did work and the visuals were breathtaking.<P>Sometimes less is most definately more and I will reserve my judgement till I've had my own eye-balls scorched.<P> also rolling down a hill inside a giant tyre just like a big ball of metal can be fun!

  • July 4, 2007, 5:11 a.m. CST

    This sums up Vern's POV

    by Orionsangels

    """p.s. It just occurred to me. Is Mega-Tron a transformer? Did he ever transform? Or is he just a robot?""" He does Transform, into a jet with a cannon. Were you even watching the film?, or watching what you wanted to watch Verny? Did you convince yourself halfway through the film you weren't gonna like it? I suspect so.

  • July 4, 2007, 5:12 a.m. CST

    GOD BLESS VERN

    by spencey7

    The backlash continues... Such a shame that it's come to the release date for people to see this movie for what it is, and what it was always going to be since Michael "Cocksucker" Bay was attached. I've just got to hold out hope that the inevitable sequel takes stock and does things properly, "pushing the reset button" so to speak. And I will pray to Jesus, Allah and Vishnu every single day that Michael Bay has FUCK ALL to do with it.

  • July 4, 2007, 5:16 a.m. CST

    "bloated, and full of holes"

    by Lost Prophet

    Forgotten who said that. But he was recommending it. I hate films that are bloated and full of holes.

  • July 4, 2007, 5:20 a.m. CST

    BAY IS A MUSIC DIRECTOR

    by Darth Fart

    He doesn't understand film, what a shame :(

  • July 4, 2007, 5:26 a.m. CST

    Thank God for Vern

    by Ray Gamma

    And thank God for the other three people on here who remember intelligence in cinema. </P> <P> Fuck Michael Bay, and fuck the new notion that everyone sitting in a cinema in 2007 is a 16-year-old moron on Ritalin.

  • July 4, 2007, 5:29 a.m. CST

    P.S.

    by Ray Gamma

    I laughed reading this talkback just now, noticing that some of the 30-something man-child fanboys are wetting themselves about the fact that Vern doesn't know what 'megatron' transforms into. Get a fucking life you sad little babies.

  • July 4, 2007, 5:37 a.m. CST

    The reason this film is polarising people

    by Lost Prophet

    and it has been for about a year- <p>On one side there are people that, for whatever reason, fucking thought this film would be dross and are not prepared to accept that; and on the other there are people that spout shit like It's a kids film, or It's a fucking toy line, or turn your brain off, and are prepared to accept and enjoy the spectacle. <p>basically cynicism v naivity. <p>What I found astounding was that arch naive god Harry didn't like it. I can't get over that.

  • July 4, 2007, 5:41 a.m. CST

    Orions, Re: Meg I remember him turning into a jet twice

    by Mace Tofu

    and flying towards the camera. Vern must of been looking down both times taking notes. Now Vern I'm the first here to say 99.9% of todays movies are shit and I couldn't even bring myself to buy SUPERMAN RETURNS on DVD. I see SKY CAPTAIN in the $5 bin at WALMART and even though I'm a big Fan of CGI and Robots I don't think I could watch SKY CAPTAIN again( I've seen it twice, once in a Theater and once as a rental.) SKY CAPTAIN is to me as TRANSFORMERS is to you VERN. I'm sure some people love SC just as some love TF. Man do I wish for something special from a movie. TF was FUN but not special.

  • July 4, 2007, 5:42 a.m. CST

    This review single handedly turned this site on its ear

    by IndustryKiller!

    And shone a light at just what an apologist bees nest this site has become. God damn I wish we could have the good old days back when people who were actually interested in film and didn't apologize for every hack working. "Just have fun and forget about it" "Its summer popcorn who cares?" "What did you expect? Shakespeare?". I've never heard such a sorry bunch of non arguments in my life. The sick thing is the people making them are completely and utterly oblivious to the fact of how utterly fucking dumb they sound. God forbid anything get defended on its merits. But then again I guess when your argument states from the start that the subject has absolutely no merit stupid jingoistic rally cries like that are the only thing you have to fall back on.

  • July 4, 2007, 5:44 a.m. CST

    Oh I had no allusions Lost Prophet

    by IndustryKiller!

    as to what kind of film this would turn out to be. But, realistic expectations or not, I'm not in the business of just accepting Hollywood's bullshit.

  • July 4, 2007, 5:51 a.m. CST

    AINT IT VERN NEWS...

    by Kirbymanly

    got a nice ring to it...

  • July 4, 2007, 5:54 a.m. CST

    How long till the first douche bag reports the box ...

    by IndustryKiller!

    office earnings on it's first day as some sort of twisted proof that it is any good? Douche bag in 3...2...1...

  • July 4, 2007, 5:55 a.m. CST

    You know what would have been funny...

    by Bobo_Vision

    ...if the aforementioned scene where the parents suspect that Shia Lebeouf is jacking off, they cut to Shia, and he actually is jackin' it. And the camera stays on him for like a minute...jackin' it. <p> The B&R pink gorilla suit thing was funny too... <p> As for Spielberg's take on the movie, he's known for producing crap...directing is a different story. Remember the "Flinstones" and "Men in Black" movies? That said, he knows which movies will make money, and I think that dictates his choices in producing, and this will likely make money despite its crappage.

  • July 4, 2007, 5:58 a.m. CST

    Michael Bay = Paris Hilton

    by CuervoJones

    No talent and a lot of fans. God i hate this century.

  • July 4, 2007, 6 a.m. CST

    Excellent sincere review

    by Spacesheik

    Thanks Vern. Truly. That R.Kelley line had me in stitches. You are a genius.

  • July 4, 2007, 6:06 a.m. CST

    If Vern is a hillbilly...

    by mr. brownstone

    then Don Murphy is his Ned Beatty.

  • July 4, 2007, 6:07 a.m. CST

    Didnt Bay inherit good genes from dad John Frankenheime

    by Spacesheik

    Apparently not. I hate Bay movies, he takes serious subjects like Pearl Harbor and trivializes them with gung ho heroics and silly love stories and explosions. THE ISLAND was pure shiite, it was a dumb man 's LOGANS RUN. ARMAGEDDON gave me a fucking headache but I can tolerate it. BAD BOYS 2 was excessively idiotic - it almost single handedly killed my love of action movies. I always know a Michael Bay movie from the way cars and shit explode in the trailers - its ridiculous. That's not a good trademark. Lots of shitty directors these days..McG, Bay, Wiseman, etc. They cant even touch the brilliance of someone like GEORGE "Road Warrior" MILLER who was doing amazing action stuff in the 80s. And the problem these days is you get decent directors like Brian Singer who want handle action worth shit. Are there no decent directors who can handle both action and plot? Even Spielberg seems to be losing it judging from MINORITY REPORT...

  • July 4, 2007, 6:07 a.m. CST

    I haven't seen it but...

    by Leopold Scotch

    ... that's the best review I've read in ages. Excellent points made, well structured (I especially liked the bookending anecdote) and funny as fuck. (The giant robots transform so nobody makes fun of them, and the Garfield/cancer and Roadhouse lines were highlights).

  • July 4, 2007, 6:08 a.m. CST

    I know IK

    by Lost Prophet

    and I have also been pretty fucking certain about it since I read the script. Every review has confirmed what I thought it was going to be.

  • July 4, 2007, 6:09 a.m. CST

    Can someone PLEASE refresh my memory

    by choonie

    What was it Jazz said when he introduced himself to the kid?? I remember cringing when I heard it.

  • July 4, 2007, 6:09 a.m. CST

    Well I got the classic Movie to still love

    by DigitalDong

    Yeah its campy, yeah its cheesy, but its one of the best animated flicks from the 80's. Grimlock was the only comedy relief in the flick.

  • July 4, 2007, 6:16 a.m. CST

    vern u r over thinking about

    by toolmjk

    vern u r over thinking about a movie that does not need to be over thinked. what the fuck do u want from a movie that can from a cartoon. come on, i grow up on the shit and i liked the movie for what is was. a kick ass, live action tranformers movie

  • July 4, 2007, 6:25 a.m. CST

    hahahaa

    by foree forehead

    i don't know what's funnier, vern's review of the movie or that a supposed detective from south florida got "teary eyed" watching it. society on the brink of collapse indeed

  • July 4, 2007, 6:27 a.m. CST

    Plant!!

    by Kristian66

    It had to be said

  • July 4, 2007, 6:38 a.m. CST

    are you fucking blind man

    by dragonbug69

    Ok this is literally my first talk back and everything. ive been coming to aintitcool for like 2 years and i just finally got a log in and password lol. but man come on ..this movie is one of the best ive seen yet. Pirates was fun..spiderman 3 sucked ballz, shrek please god no more...but this movie was fast paced and awesome..hell im not even a fan boy and i came out of there giddy going HOLY CRAP that was awesome. that movie was by far NOT a piece of shit.

  • July 4, 2007, 6:38 a.m. CST

    Toolmjk

    by Sundaycall1

    How is he over-thinking it?!? He said the humour was embarassingly unfunny, the action was disorientating AND CONFUSING, he couldn't tell one robot from another, the actors' reactions to these giant robots didn't sell the creations and some performances were shit. That's not over-thinking. That's watching a movie with severe problems.

  • July 4, 2007, 6:42 a.m. CST

    Agreed

    by Lord_Soth

    Nice review, exactly my thoughts in most parts. Clever comparisons by some folks to Kong'05 and Batman'n'Robin. As for ID4, that was faaar superior than this mess. Shit, unmemorable characters, no story, messy effects, lame music.

  • July 4, 2007, 6:44 a.m. CST

    Vern, about this review vs. your review of KING KONG

    by Ringwearer9

    In your old KING KONG review you had this to say.<br><br> "hell, I'm doin it. I'm goin all caps on this one. THIS IS A GREAT FUCKIN MOVIE. I'm not the world's all time #1 greatest fan of hyperbole, but I think it's safe to say this one is a classic, masterpiece, etc. It's one of those movies that reminds you why you love movies, reminds you that it's still possible to be amazed. This movie proves the old adage that "If Peter Jackson wants to do something, just let him fucking do it you shitheads." Especially if that something is a $200 million 3-hour NC-17 sequel to BAD TASTE and that's why he lost the weight, to reprise his role as Derek."<br><br> My question to you is, why is this movie so shitty, but Jackson's movie so great? All I can glean from your review of THIS movie is that in King Kong you were able to SEE THE ACTION, and tell King Kong from the Dinosaurs. It doesn't seem to matter if the action is gigantically retarded, as long as you can SEE the retardedness clearly? I'm not calling you a hypocrite ... I'm certain Transformers is a bad as you say. You seem to feel as upset about the inexplicable praise this film is being given by your colleagues as I was when they (and you) gave a gigantic pass to KING KONG. So, I'm wondering, do you have any retroactive thoughts on that overhyped movie, and do you regret giving it a pass? If you remember, you basically dismissed anyone who didn't check their brains at the door for that one. On reconsidering, don't you think you were unfair to the critics of THAT bad movie?

  • July 4, 2007, 6:50 a.m. CST

    Ringwearer9 you bring up an interesting point.

    by mr. brownstone

    What's better a bad movie where you can tell what's going on or one where you can't? Answer: One where you can.

  • July 4, 2007, 6:53 a.m. CST

    Rating Transformers

    by schnipple

    Transformers the movie breakdown (1-10): Characterization = 4 Simply because the cool nerdy boy even attempting to get the hottest girl in high school is automatically sympathetic. Points diminish considerably for unfunny black actors, unfunny FBI agents, and cardboard cutouts of soldiers and politicians... Plot = 3 Some humans and Robots want to find a cube that makes all mechanical devices sentient while other evil Robots want to unleash its powers. It sounds stupid because it is. I defy you to win this argument with me... Cinematography = 6 Great shots of cars, a hot chick and military equipment but feels strangely like a Chevy pick up truck commercial from the 80s. I don't know why... Action Sequences (CGI) = 5 Looked cool but couldn't figure out what was going on. The action sequences though had no suspense. Still, it looked very expensive. It definitely looked like money was being spent. Music/Score = 3 Either overly dramatic, sentimental or pop songs that have dated in a very cheesy way. Overall score = 4 Basically, Transformers was a bad movie with a stupid plot, bad to terrible acting, filled with action sequences that had no suspense or drama where I couldn't tell what was going on, scored with an overtly manipulative score and shot in a way nostalgic of late 80s early 90s car/life insurance/credit car commercials. You guys agree or disagree with my breakdown?

  • July 4, 2007, 6:53 a.m. CST

    I hate reviews...

    by Andy Warhol Jr

    ...where you have to scroll through 10 pages of useless introduction. Anyway, a friend of mine has seen this movie and was enormously disappointed. He said it was made for 10 year olds: lame dialogues, characters and plot. It was his most anticipated movie this year, so do the math <visit www.bigmoviepix.blogspot.com>

  • July 4, 2007, 6:54 a.m. CST

    Ringwearer9

    by spencey7

    King Kong was emotionally engaging - The most critical of all criteria for a movie. Transformers chose to scrap said criteria in favour of piss and masturbation jokes. There's a quote I read somewhere about Bay leaving the camera rolling and "encouraging actors to improvise humour" like he's Christopher Fucking Guest or something, I'll see if I can find it...

  • July 4, 2007, 6:58 a.m. CST

    Sundaycall1

    by toolmjk

    ok i will say that the movie had its problems. but all movies has it up and downs. what do u whant from this movie. a word for word telling from the first season of the cartoon. will that make u happy. or will u still fing problems with it?

  • July 4, 2007, 7 a.m. CST

    Yeah, I guess the question answers itself.

    by Ringwearer9

    A bad movie where you can see what's going on is better than a bad one where you can't. (sigh)

  • July 4, 2007, 7:08 a.m. CST

    Quote from Michael "Comedy Genius" Bay

    by spencey7

    "I love improv-ing with actors, it freaks studios out because they're like, 'That wasn't in the script, what's this, he's wrecking the movie.' And I’m like, 'Trust me, it’s going to be funny,'" Great... When you've got some retarded, military-obsessed lunkhead of a director screwing with an already shitty script you know you're in trouble.

  • July 4, 2007, 7:09 a.m. CST

    Excellent review Vern.

    by C Legion

    Well structured, and a real FUCK YOU to the mindless summer blockbusters Hollywood is now puking on us. Spectacle alone is not enough, awe is not achieved simply via cool CGI, you MUST have a decent script to back it up, you MUST actually have characters that you can connect with, that feel real within the films universe (however unreal it may be). To the Bay apologists, fuck you! Why the fuck should I just turn my brain off and enjoy it? I prefer to keep mine switched on, thanks.

  • July 4, 2007, 7:12 a.m. CST

    As great as Vern is, his King Kong review baffled me

    by Franklin T Marmoset

    In fact, I think I had written it off as a strange dream I had. King Kong had a few enjoyable moments, but I still don't understand how a guy like Jackson could allocate that much time to such a slight story and still make it seem shallow and simplistic.<p>Oh well, each to their own and that.<p>I am now at a crossroads about this Transformers. I had decided I was going to see it even though it doesn't appealt to me at all - out of curiosity for than anything - but Vern has reminded me how much I can't stand Michael Bay's films. Except The Rock, maybe, that was alright. Now I don't know what to do - go or no?

  • July 4, 2007, 7:13 a.m. CST

    IndustryKiller! and Tourist must be "On the Lot"

    by Mike_D

    rejects. Sorry your films sucked fellas, but that doesnt mean everybody is below you just because they dont have the same tastes as either of you.

  • July 4, 2007, 7:14 a.m. CST

    You showed your hand as a bitter not-too-bright liberal

    by Retrace

    Your opinion doesn't count. Sorry Sperm.

  • July 4, 2007, 7:26 a.m. CST

    messi..

    by foree forehead

    ..calling vern pretentious while you spin that sunn cd is a bit rich mate.

  • July 4, 2007, 7:26 a.m. CST

    SOMEONE PLEASE!!!

    by choonie

    What was it Jazz said when he introduced himself to the LeBoofster??

  • July 4, 2007, 7:27 a.m. CST

    TRANSfrigginFORMERS is already a success

    by Motoko Kusanagi

    $9 million on Monday alone; looks like it will rake in about $100 million at the end of the week.

  • July 4, 2007, 7:29 a.m. CST

    He didn't ...

    by bender7

    .. put in the subtitles 'Phoenix, Arizona - USA, Earth'. Why are people using this shitpicking excuses to try and write off the best review of Transformers so far? Where's the actual points that defend this movie other than these shithouse points?

  • July 4, 2007, 7:36 a.m. CST

    "But Michael Bay told God to fuck off...."

    by Dr Gregory House

    I don't know why, but I took me 2 minutes and 24 seconds to stop laughing after reading that line.

  • July 4, 2007, 7:36 a.m. CST

    For fuck's sake

    by spencey7

    OF COURSE IT'S GOING TO MAKE MONEY. Even Transformers fans (the vast majority of whom will detest the movie) will go to see it because they've been waiting for this adaptation for 20 years! The points being made here have nothing to do with Box Office figures, but to illustrate that cinema is going in two directions: One group of people enjoy watching good stories well told; the other doesn't care as long as they get big bangs, pretty lights and clichés aplenty. It's oft-quoted that you can't polish a turd; Transformers 2007 proves it entirely possible to stink up a diamond.

  • July 4, 2007, 7:37 a.m. CST

    Franklin...

    by TELF

    Go see it. Just remember, though: It doesn't have to be "good". It is based on a cartoon which was based on a toy! Most importantly, it's directed by Bay. You know what he does. He shouldn't be expected to grow as a director. His sensibility should never mature, not one iota. Therefore, you must give this one a free pass on all the normal criteria for judging a movie. Why should you expect more? Don't be stupid, expect less. Don't be an elitist snob!

  • July 4, 2007, 7:45 a.m. CST

    or be an elitist snob

    by foree forehead

    hate crap you don't like and be proud of it.

  • July 4, 2007, 7:47 a.m. CST

    CLOVERFIELD / Untitled JJ Abrams Project

    by turketron

    The crazy shit happening in this trailer looks like the total fucking destruction that would be caused by the smoke monster in an urban environment. Bring it on.

  • July 4, 2007, 8:01 a.m. CST

    That review is way too long for anyone to read.

    by Jakes Nel

    So I won't. ADD, you know. Anyhoo, so many robot reviews. It's getting worse than the Eli Roth epidemic this site 'suffered' from a little while ago. Any other news?

  • July 4, 2007, 8:01 a.m. CST

    But foree...

    by TELF

    People might get offended...

  • July 4, 2007, 8:11 a.m. CST

    Jakes Nel= Bay's target audience

    by Lost Prophet

    WAAAAAH REVIEW TOO LONG. BRAIN TO DEAD TO READ MORE THAN 3 WORDS

  • July 4, 2007, 8:12 a.m. CST

    yea right vern, you're the smart one

    by iwontwin

    Look, the film just wasnt that bad...the "japan" joke was kind of funny, to compare it to Batman and Robin is a complete insult. The battle scenes are quite amazing, it has a good sense of humor, and thinly developed robots. If they make a sequel they should focus on the robots personalities...

  • July 4, 2007, 8:15 a.m. CST

    iwontwin

    by Lost Prophet

    Vern didn't think it had a good sense of humour. So for him, therefore, it doesn't. He also didn't think the battle scenes were amazing. Therefore if that is what you are bringing to its defence and he disagrees then for him it is as bad as Batman and Robin

  • July 4, 2007, 8:17 a.m. CST

    well i think pink turkeys exist

    by iwontwin

    Hes completely wrong in his criticism...or he just has bad taste

  • July 4, 2007, 8:17 a.m. CST

    Thanks, TELF and foree forehead

    by Franklin T Marmoset

    I am as confused as ever.<p>Thing is, I will freely admit I am at that point in my life where, you know, I'm getting a little older. I'm in my thirties now and whatnot, I don't get into as many new bands as I used to, and I suppose my tastes are becoming more... selective. It's another crossroads of sorts, where it's hard to figure out whether:<p>A) I am right to dislike these bloated sacks of incoherent and unengaging spectacle, or<p>B) I am becoming one of those old guys who tells people that all new music is a load of noise.<p>It's like being a teenager, in a way - still clinging to childhood but also clutching at adulthood. Yes, this is a difficult time, Ain't It Cool types. Do I give up and just start grouching about everything, or become one of those people who is always trying to be down with the kids.<p>Choices, choices, and not all of them relating to this film about stuff that changes into robots.

  • July 4, 2007, 8:27 a.m. CST

    This movie was like a shitty version of Small Soldiers

    by WolfmanNards

    It even had the same dad.

  • July 4, 2007, 8:28 a.m. CST

    Hello?

    by Franklin T Marmoset

    This talkback is broken.<p>Damn Transformers talkbacks, it's always the same. Collapsing under the weight of our film nerd interest like a tiny, furless kitten collapses under the weight of a giant fucking robot with all kinds of crazy crap stuck to it.

  • July 4, 2007, 8:30 a.m. CST

    or perhaps you could be wrong or have bad taste?

    by Lost Prophet

    i know which I'd bet on.

  • July 4, 2007, 8:30 a.m. CST

    iwontwin

    by spencey7

    OR maybe - just maybe - could YOU be the one with bad taste? All the "haters" (man am I sick of that term) are putting forward reasoned, sensible opinions as to why the movie doesn't work. These range from lack of character development to poor performaces to horrible dialogue, "comedy" etc etc - The list goes on. The Bay apologists counter by saying "WHAT DID YOU EXPECT ITS A BAY FILM" or "LEAVE YOUR BRAIN AT THE DOOR ASSHOLE" or "Ur....THINGS WENT 'BOOM' BITCH! BRING IT~!!!!" The moronic masses are being catered for with this movie, there is absolutely no denying it. Something else worth thinking about - Transformers: The Movie (1986) is still looked upon fondly and with great respect by those who saw it then, and continue to enjoy it now. Think Transformers (2007) will be viewed the same way in 20 years...? I highly doubt it. (Well, maybe as an example of Michael Bay's Woody-Allen-esque comedic wit.)

  • July 4, 2007, 8:32 a.m. CST

    Best Criticism from Roger Ebert

    by iwontwin

    "They (the fight scenes) should be choreographed to reflect a strategy and not simply reflect shapeless, random violence. Here the robots are like TV wrestlers who are down but usually not out."

  • July 4, 2007, 8:37 a.m. CST

    Vernwontwin

    by iwontwin

    I Piss on you guys like bumble bee! If you bite into a snowcone, do you expect it to taste like prime rib? Vern's been going to the french restaurants a bit too much, i'll bet he loved "Ratatouille". Not that I blame him, being a critic is an elitest type of thing, but he's just off the mark here.

  • July 4, 2007, 8:45 a.m. CST

    Merde that meets the eye.

    by Lost Prophet

    Ha! brilliant. Thanks to Dave Poland of Movie City News for that one

  • July 4, 2007, 8:46 a.m. CST

    Two glaring problems for me

    by Crash115

    If the glasses were etched when the old man got zapped in the Ice Cave, then how did the glasses know that the cube was located beneath Hoover Dam? Also, if the Autobots and the military want to protect humans, why did they take the cube (and the inevitable battle with the bad robots) into the city? Wouldn't there have been less possibilities of casualties to fight in the desert? Of course, the battle in the city would LOOK COOLER...so I guess that justifies it. Maybe I missed a line of dialogue explaining the logic of these two things. Maybe my head ached from the constant camera motion. This movie proved what solid piece of action film-making Live Free or Die Hard turned out to be. I knew what was going on all the time in that movie...who was fighting who...even if it was preposterous. I couldn't tell who was fighting in this movie.

  • July 4, 2007, 8:47 a.m. CST

    I WANT TO FUCK SHIA MORE THAN MEGAN

    by BringingSexyBack

    Is that wrong? <p>TINO!!!!

  • July 4, 2007, 8:48 a.m. CST

    and a little thing called RATIO...

    by future help

    how in the fuck did a camereo become a 3 story tall robot? Vern, great review. i give it 2 stars. at this point in the summer, Die Hard 4 is still the most fun i had.

  • July 4, 2007, 8:48 a.m. CST

    and a little thing called RATIO...

    by future help

    how in the fuck did a camereo become a 3 story tall robot? Vern, great review. i give it 2 stars. at this point in the summer, Die Hard 4 is still the most fun i had.

  • July 4, 2007, 8:49 a.m. CST

    Thank you Vern!!!

    by kaptron

    Awesome review, and I totally agree with your opinion of the movie. I saw the movie with my bro the other day and I went online to see if people agreed with us that it was total crap... and was shocked to see the majority of responses saying it was an "entertaining thrill ride with non-stop action"... WTF?? I felt like I was taking crazy pills!! I actually thought the opening scene (after getting past the "here's the mexican, here's the black guy" part) with robot vs army destruction was awesome, and unfortunately ended up being the best part of the movie. You could tell what was going on with the action, the transformer seemed brutally powerful (sort of like Sauron in LOTR flashbacks) and it actually had somewhat of a point (stealing that big box o' data). Anyways, even as someone who finds some Michael Bay movies to be decent fun (esp. The Rock) and someone who didn't mind the "lips/flames on Optimus" I wholeheartedly agree with your review and am very happy that you posted it. Funny stuff too. WolfmanNards, good point, my bro also brought up the Small Soldiers comparison (and that really sums up my disappointment with this movie, a good TF movie should not have drawn such a lame comparison).

  • July 4, 2007, 8:52 a.m. CST

    foree forehead fuck you

    by messi

    Sunn is awesome, I actually like the music.

  • July 4, 2007, 8:52 a.m. CST

    59% on the Tomatoh-meter as of 9:50AM today

    by Pennsy

    Rotten Tomatoes, of course.

  • July 4, 2007, 8:55 a.m. CST

    If you think this is like small soldiers

    by messi

    then you need to give your eyes to people who deserve them.

  • July 4, 2007, 8:58 a.m. CST

    Well, Franklin...

    by TELF

    I see what you are saying. When I was young I could eat McDonalds and BK. I probably really liked it. Now, I'll still eat a burger every now and then, but I'll either get it in a good restaurant or make it myself. My sense of what I consider decent food has shifted. <p> Similarly, I can still get excited about big, noisy movies (eg. can't wait for Avatar), but my taste in them has shifted somewhat. I don't dismiss them out of hand, but I do realize that nowadays I need more than noise and spectacle to make me care. At the very least I want well-crafted noise and spectacle. I think you are in the same boat. You would recognise a modern Matrix or Back To The Future if it came along now. <p> So, no, don't grouch at the kids - but at the same time don't beat yourself up over not liking their version of the kind of bollocks we used to love when we were kids.

  • July 4, 2007, 8:58 a.m. CST

    Bless You VERN! Bless You Bless You Bless You!

    by JaySmack

    Vern, you have restored my faith in humanity, or at least in the aiblity of this site to allow REAL, HONEST critiques of this movie to be aired, albeit after months of their shamelessly pimping this turd-flick. I see a Transformers banner at the top of the webpage...I'm sure that has nothing to do with this site's bias in favor of this movie. Vern Bayfans, people are coming out and standing up for good movies! This flick was supposed to make 50 mil it's opening day. It's been out since Monday night and all it's made is 38mil! Whatever happened to the "juggernaut?" this was supposed to be? Guess there aren't enough retards out there to make it titanic sized hit after all. It probably won't make 80 mil by this time next week either. A far cry from the 130 mil many GayBay fans were predicting it would make in the first 72 hours alone. Bay-asskissers won't understand this -they can't understand why Godfather is considered to be good, wihle Bay's Transformers isn't either. Everyone ,even the Bay aplogists, have admitted this movie is shit. It has no story, no good acting, no reason to exist. These sme folks then want to bitch about Pirates of the Caribbean and Spidey 3, but give this moive a pass. And it says a LOT about how far society has fallen that we now say, "Well, I'm going to see it BECAUSE I think it's a dumb movie." Again, these same folks turn around and complain that every movie at the multiplex is shit. Then some studio puts out the next CGI/SFX laden turd and these assholes begin drooling and dragging their knuckles as they shuffle off to the theater. Hopefully Transformers will be the last gasp of this kind of vapid filmmaking. People will finally have seen all the CGI trickery there is to show and nobody will be able to use some CG gimmick to sell a movie. But given how idiotic and brain dead the Bay-defenders have been on this site, I'm not hopeful. The people defending Bay are proof that there's at least 2 suckers born every minute, and their first thought is, "I LIKE stupid stupid." Yes you do, you morons, even stop to wonder if you're retarded? Before you deny it, keep in mind you BOAST about how much you love dumb movies. That, my friends, makes you an idiot.

  • July 4, 2007, 9:05 a.m. CST

    I put this in Harry's TB about people defending this

    by Lost Prophet

    but I think it stands up and is worth repeating: <p>In category 1 there is your summer spectacle fans. In Category 2 there are the "turn your brain off" camp that recognise that it is flawed but are happy to enjoy it on a base level, and finally there are the sub-moron vermin that LOVE EVERYTHING, and are utterly prepared to ignore any slight that they may perceive. This depressing substrata of humanity swallow up any old bile and are exactly why the music industry pushes plastic boy/ girl band dreck, TV churns out endless reality format drivel, and directors such as Bay and Paul WANK STAIN Andersen keep getting work.<p>No offence messi, I think you got wowed by the spectacle.

  • July 4, 2007, 9:09 a.m. CST

    Well Vern...

    by jawnyblayze

    Sorry buddy. I think you lose the battle. Not only do a lot of people love the movie, because they realize what the movie is supposed to be: entertaning escapism...and it's fun, but it's also going to make about $130,000,000 by Sunday. So, I guess with you being a nobody film critic that won't impact much or any of the gross...you lose.

  • July 4, 2007, 9:11 a.m. CST

    money does not equal quality

    by Lost Prophet

    seriously, does anyone still believe that?

  • July 4, 2007, 9:11 a.m. CST

    vern

    by woodyva

    Man you are a conflicted man. No worrie son the recism thing, I am simply at a loss for words. It just seems you think it's cool to hate this, and many others seem to want to dislike it. I walked in know that it couldn't be very good. I went to your site and saw all the things you hold in great esteem, and i wonder how you can hold some of the things you do up on a pedestal, and then in the same breathe be so dismissive and critical of this movie. I love most of the same movies you go on about being great, but some of them are much worse in every thing you are taking so much time to point out. The western world is not falling to it's knees because Micahel Bay made a film. I agree that it is pop art, that it is in the same vein as most hollywood cinema, a product of a conglomerate movie factory. That makes it sort of like a Big Mac, lot's of tasty bits, but not really good for you. I enjoy high brow stuff more thanmost, but after watching it both times, it made me feel 9 again. It did not recreate the world i loved then, just the feeling of totsl suspended reality for 2 hours. Being succesful and very busy with my personal life, it was nice to see something that made me feel that way. Something i wish Spidey 3 couuld have done. If youwantto tearsomething apart jump on Raimi for putting venom, a concept beyond his love of the classic era spiderman, that ruined what would have been a good movie. Transformers delivered to me, and i was much offended by the set up oftwo really good movies, to see spidey get overdone in the third, so Bay, beleive it or not, made up for that waste of a movie in SM3

  • July 4, 2007, 9:13 a.m. CST

    Hamburger, Steak

    by iwontwin

    Both of them are good, And Bay made a juicy burger for all of use to enjoy...maybe a little bit too filling, but good nonetheless. Vern wanted steak, in a movie about robots who transform into cars....puhleeze.

  • July 4, 2007, 9:17 a.m. CST

    "And the award for Worst Analogy Of All Time goes to.."

    by spencey7

    ...iwontwin! For his ridiculous burger/steak quote - Congratulations!" P.S. "puhleeze"?

  • July 4, 2007, 9:17 a.m. CST

    It's weird about spectacle

    by Franklin T Marmoset

    I like spectacle, too. But, as Vern mentioned above, it seems like film makers are less and less interested in offering a decent story and characters to go along with that spectacle. They have figured out that they make obscene amounts of money with the FLASHWHIZZBANG and so they don't expend any extra effort on the rest of the film.<p>Sadder still is that audiences and critics are falling in line with this method of film production. More and more these days I hear, "Well, it's a summer film - they're a bit crap, really. Nice explosions, though." If we carry on like that, the big summer release for 2019 will be Flashing Lights & Fire II: The Flashening. It will have no actors in it, and no attempt at story, just two and half hours of what the title says. And everyone will come away saying, "Fucking hell, that was shit on just about every possible level, plus a few new ones I didn't think existed, but the flashing lights and fire were great!"<p>Man, I am feeling old today.

  • July 4, 2007, 9:18 a.m. CST

    from the word go....

    by RockLobster800

    I never got this whole "oh just sit back and watch the effects-its not about plot or character-itsa bout GIANT FUCKING ROBOTS". Well, Transformers is a property that has been around for 20 years-you're seriously telling me they cant tackle both? They expect to get away with a tacked on plot that took two seconds to think up cos its all about the effect? its a MOVIE-its supposed to have a decnet story! If I wanted nothing but eye candy Id watch a fucking fire works display...plus for the people saying you have to leave your brain at the door-well, its clear Bay TRIED to tell a story and it happened to be shhhiiittte. so therefore you cant let it go with "oh, its all about the effects". I mean Spidey 3 was flawes as fook but you cant deny Raimi tried to balance effects with an engaging story-it wasnt great but at least he got that across.....

  • July 4, 2007, 9:19 a.m. CST

    I'm actually interested in seeing this now.

    by rbatty024

    Not in the theaters of course, but on DVD in a few months. If it really is as colossally bad as Vern claims then I must watch the disaster. The step 'n fetch it robot sounds particularly ridiculous. Crazy Bay and his racial stereotypes. The guy just hates black people.

  • July 4, 2007, 9:20 a.m. CST

    Well done for giving your honest opinion

    by GrandpaUlrira

    I hate reviewers where I know what they're going to say beforehand, because they have an agenda and had most of the review written out before seeing the movie. It's one of the reasons I respect Ebert, even if I don't always agree with him, because the guy clearly loves movies and will change his mind even if he's dumped on a director's movies before.

  • July 4, 2007, 9:21 a.m. CST

    Saw it. Meh.

    by Grendle

    All of the Bay-isms aside, the real problem I had with this film is that it objectified the humans while personifying the toys. I know that's what the kids are doing with Transformers (trademark) toys, anyway. But in this case, this movie was some Frankensteinian mess of kid movie and adult movie. Quite aside from the [accurate] observations about Bay's abundantly evident racism (break-dancing donuts squealing and scurrying goggle-eyed "in da hous", indeed), his treatment of his characters was worse than shabby. Megan Fox (a lovely young woman) was treated as a collection of body parts - a boob shot, a belly shot, a butt shot, lather-rinse-repeat. Secret Service agent, soldiers, civilians ... all are killed in truly horrific manner and the camera moves on, without the least recognition of what just happened? Skewed by a mechanical scorpion? No problemo. Shirikined through the chest by a "cute" robotic boombox? Sure fine. This isn't to say that the Transformers are treated that much better - piss jokes, bondage, brutal murder? Well, he was the "black" robot, so tearing him in half, snuffing out his otherwise immortal being forever? "Good soldier." I will say I enjoyed seeing the old toys moving around again ... and despite the lips and the flames, Optimus Prime was pretty neat. Bumblebee worked as a Camaro (and that scene where he bashes a VW Bug -his former incarnation -was a nice homage), and the robots were both familiar and new and seemed pretty "real." But the story, the treatment, the camera work, all left me cold. Pretty typical Bay ... pretty little pile of turds.

  • July 4, 2007, 9:21 a.m. CST

    No, iwontwin, Vern et al want Hamburgers!

    by TELF

    They saw the picture of the burger on the billboard. They said "I haven't had a burger in a while, I think I went off them. Mayve I'm missing out." They went to the Burger place. But the burger they got looked nothing like the one in the picture. <p> Remember that bit in Falling Down? Just be thnkful Vern didn't have an Uzi at the screening.

  • July 4, 2007, 9:22 a.m. CST

    how is that even ridiculous?

    by iwontwin

    Its valid....Roger Ebert even agrees with me in a way, not that that happens always: "It's goofy fun with a lot of stuff that blows up real good, and it has the grace not only to realize how preposterous it is, but to make that into an asset."

  • July 4, 2007, 9:24 a.m. CST

    I liked the movie

    by eric haislar

    I thought it was really good for bay. I hate every other movie he has ever made.

  • July 4, 2007, 9:25 a.m. CST

    some dick just pulled a similar one in Harry's TB

    by Lost Prophet

    some bollocks about expecting steak and getting ice cream

  • July 4, 2007, 9:25 a.m. CST

    Alvin and the Chipmunks...

    by RockLobster800

    the first pictures of the new CGI Chipmunks are on the Empire website...thought Id tell people cos no one has bothered reporting it here yet....

  • July 4, 2007, 9:26 a.m. CST

    Alvin and the Chipmunks...

    by RockLobster800

    the first pictures of the new CGI Chipmunks are on the Empire website...thought Id tell people cos no one has bothered reporting it here yet....

  • July 4, 2007, 9:26 a.m. CST

    Alvin and the Chipmunks...

    by RockLobster800

    the first pictures of the new CGI Chipmunks are on the Empire website...thought Id tell people cos no one has bothered reporting it here yet....

  • July 4, 2007, 9:28 a.m. CST

    telf BURGER TIME

    by iwontwin

    i doubt they were fooled into thinking they were going to get lord of the rings...and if they were they are more naive than I thought. Anyways Im hungry....

  • July 4, 2007, 9:28 a.m. CST

    I have not seen the movie so

    by Moppelhase

    I have not seen the movie so far, but I think it will be very good.

  • July 4, 2007, 9:28 a.m. CST

    Vern didn't want a steak you fucktards

    by BringingSexyBack

    He wanted a big juicy burger medium rare with onions and Heinz. Instead Bay served up a Big Mac with two small patties, a lot of bread and a sauce that gives you a stomach ache. Now chomp on that.

  • July 4, 2007, 9:28 a.m. CST

    oh yeah-they're ,like, rappers now...

    by RockLobster800

    and the poster once again features a white background with red writing-if Hollywood doesnt get off its ass and think up new comedy poster designs beyond shove the actors in frame doing something with a white background and red writing" Im going to start kicking ass...my own probably as Im the only one here....

  • July 4, 2007, 9:29 a.m. CST

    oh yeah-they're ,like, rappers now...

    by RockLobster800

    and the poster once again features a white background with red writing-if Hollywood doesnt get off its ass and think up new comedy poster designs beyond shove the actors in frame doing something with a white background and red writing" Im going to start kicking ass...my own probably as Im the only one here....

  • July 4, 2007, 9:29 a.m. CST

    But a hamburger can be a very delicious meal

    by Franklin T Marmoset

    A flame grilled patty of 100% pure beef, served on a lightly toasted bun with fresh tomatoes and relish. Man, I want one of those right now. Trouble is, people are conditioning themselves to think: "Well, it's only a burger, it's supposed to be only 10% actual meat and have bits of poo in it and be so heavily processed the flavour comes from chemicals added to that brown splooge they call a patty. I'll just eat it anyway."<p>It makes no sense to me. Why are our standards falling so badly?

  • July 4, 2007, 9:30 a.m. CST

    "I thought it was really good for Bay"

    by spencey7

    EVEN IF IT WAS THIS DOES NOT MAKE IT GOOD OR EVEN ACCEPTABLE. Jesus CHRIST. It's like Bay's movies get rated on a separate scale to the rest of the universe. "Man o man that was shit! What's that? Michael Bay directed it? Oh, a solid 8 out of 10, definately."

  • July 4, 2007, 9:30 a.m. CST

    oh yeah-they're ,like, rappers now...

    by RockLobster800

    and the poster once again features a white background with red writing-if Hollywood doesnt get off its ass and think up new comedy poster designs beyond shove the actors in frame doing something with a white background and red writing" Im going to start kicking ass...my own probably as Im the only one here....

  • July 4, 2007, 9:30 a.m. CST

    A big mac equivalent would be

    by iwontwin

    Resident Evil Series...GOD IM HUNGRY I WANT FOOD

  • July 4, 2007, 9:32 a.m. CST

    and in Dark Knight news...

    by RockLobster800

    Michael Jai White from mega shiiite fest Spawn is appearing as Gamble. true tale.

  • July 4, 2007, 9:34 a.m. CST

    Wow

    by GordonFuckinRamsay

    I'm always amazed at the level of elitism present in rantings from nerds with fucking keyboards. So Vern spews this fucking venomous tirade about how the world is ending because people don't like a movie he hates and that clearly this is a fucking byproduct of the fact that the rest of humanity isn't as fucking smart as he is. Yet this supreme fucking intelligence contradicts himself before he even begins by introducing his fucking brainy and discerning friend who digs Michael Bay's lesser efforts. And of course, that little fucking nugget is missed by the people down here who want to be counted amongst the mental fucking giants by denouncing Transformers along side Vern and all those who thought the movie was fucking fun. Because it sucked and that's the fucking "truth", right? Like it or don't, that's all well and fucking good. Just quit acting like your opinion's the only viable fucking option for people with functioning fucking brains. Plonkers.

  • July 4, 2007, 9:34 a.m. CST

    Mike Tyson as Gamble?

    by iwontwin

    Good Casting I say.

  • July 4, 2007, 9:34 a.m. CST

    Keep up the good work guys.

    by TELF

    The sun finally came out in London, so I'm off out. Great, fun TB.

  • July 4, 2007, 9:35 a.m. CST

    beset TB handle I've seen in ages

    by Lost Prophet

    even better than council estate scumbag. <p>I love these rows.

  • July 4, 2007, 9:36 a.m. CST

    This has nothing to do with Transformers...

    by Franklin T Marmoset

    ...but holy shit that Alvin & The Chipmunks thing is funny, and not in a good way. Haven't these people ever seen The Simpsons? It's like Poochie never happened!<p>Also, they are reporting that Michael Jai White has been cast in The Dark Knight. Thankfully, he is not playing Spawn.

  • July 4, 2007, 9:36 a.m. CST

    GordonFuckinRamsay

    by spencey7

    Do you think Transformers had a good script? (I'm yet to hear anyone defend it.)

  • July 4, 2007, 9:39 a.m. CST

    Actually, Bayformers is a BK Quad Stacker

    by BringingSexyBack

    Burger King's BK Stackers come in 3 varieties: double, triple and quadruple layers of beef and cheese. "It's the flame-broiled meat lover's burger and it's here to stay - no veggie allowed." <p> BK Stackers Quad is 4 beef patties, 4 slices of American cheese, 8 strips of bacon, and BK Stacker Sauce (featuring high fructose corn syrup!) all on a sesame seed bun. It weighs 311 grams and has 1000 calories, 620 calories from fat, 68 grams of fat, 30 grams of saturated fat, 2 grams of the dreaded trans fat, 240 mg of cholesterol, 1800 mg of sodium, 34 grams of carbs, 1 gram of fiber, 6 grams of sugars and 62 grams of protein. <p> http://www.theimpulsivebuy.com/wordpress/2006/07/11/burger-king-quad-stacker/<p>http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/BK_Stacker

  • July 4, 2007, 9:41 a.m. CST

    Seriously

    by iwontwin

    Starscream fighting jets in midair owns all of you! What they do with megatron was kind of silly at the end.

  • July 4, 2007, 9:42 a.m. CST

    "620 calories from fat"

    by Franklin T Marmoset

    That's it. I'm going home, and I'm having a delicious burger for tea.<p>You all made me do it!!

  • July 4, 2007, 9:43 a.m. CST

    Justin Timberlake screen names are BK Quad Stackers

    by iwontwin

    my name is a pinot noir

  • July 4, 2007, 9:43 a.m. CST

    Knight Of The Living Dead Careers...

    by RockLobster800

    first Eric Roberts as Maroni, now White as Gamble-and I guarantee this role Anthony Michael Hall is playing is another mob boss (the only one that comes to mind is Rupert Thorne but.....nah)-Nolans assembling a lot of in the gutter actors for Batman to knock six ways as crime bosses...hopefully its the only Spawn connection but Im so pysched for the Dark Knight I dont care if they cast catherine tate in it...the sound of Ledgers laugh in that leaked teaser last week alomost had me hospitalised with terminal "shivers down the spine" due to sheer excitement....this wil be the slowest year guaranteed...

  • July 4, 2007, 9:45 a.m. CST

    HAPPY 4th of JULY

    by iwontwin

    Enjoy your BIG FUCKING ROBOT BURGERS....

  • July 4, 2007, 9:45 a.m. CST

    Knight Of The Living Dead Careers...

    by RockLobster800

    first Eric Roberts as Maroni, now White as Gamble-and I guarantee this role Anthony Michael Hall is playing is another mob boss (the only one that comes to mind is Rupert Thorne but.....nah)-Nolans assembling a lot of in the gutter actors for Batman to knock six ways as crime bosses...hopefully its the only Spawn connection but Im so pysched for the Dark Knight I dont care if they cast catherine tate in it...the sound of Ledgers laugh in that leaked teaser last week alomost had me hospitalised with terminal "shivers down the spine" due to sheer excitement....this wil be the slowest year guaranteed...

  • July 4, 2007, 9:46 a.m. CST

    Knight Of The Living Dead Careers...

    by RockLobster800

    first Eric Roberts as Maroni, now White as Gamble-and I guarantee this role Anthony Michael Hall is playing is another mob boss (the only one that comes to mind is Rupert Thorne but.....nah)-Nolans assembling a lot of in the gutter actors for Batman to knock six ways as crime bosses...hopefully its the only Spawn connection but Im so pysched for the Dark Knight I dont care if they cast catherine tate in it...the sound of Ledgers laugh in that leaked teaser last week alomost had me hospitalised with terminal "shivers down the spine" due to sheer excitement....this wil be the slowest year guaranteed...

  • July 4, 2007, 9:46 a.m. CST

    "Starscream fighting jets in midair OWNS ALL OF YOU!"

    by spencey7

    Seriously iwontwin, please tell me what this means because I have no idea. Sounds like your typical nonsensical Bay dialogue.

  • July 4, 2007, 9:46 a.m. CST

    Mace Tofu

    by Vern

    Let me clarify my point about the Indian operator. The only point in the entire 2 1/2 hour movie when they have any tension is when the helicopter flies in and lands and they're all pointing guns at it. It turns into a robot and attacks... it's 5 minutes or whatever into this long ass movie and ALREADY they give up on creating drama and tension, they start cutting away to sitcom jokes. Of course I don't mind humor (although I think the jokes in this movie are 95% duds) but a movie like this should actually have some drama going on and then relieve the tension with jokes, instead of just having joke joke joke explosion joke joke joke joke joke joke joke joke explosion belly button 45 minutes of blurring more jokes.<p> So it didn't bother me hugely at the time, but looking back I realize that the Indian operator is where the movie started to go off the tracks already.<p> And as far as Mega-Tron transforming into a plane, I thought the other guy, Mega-Tron's friend, turned into a plane. That's my point, they all look the same and the camera is fuckin spinning around and they only have one or two lines each, how am I supposed to know which one is which? I may have many deficiencies, but not knowing one squiggly grey pile of machinery from the other one it is rolling around on the ground with is on the movie, not me.

  • July 4, 2007, 9:47 a.m. CST

    I don't think that people are more stupid now...

    by rbatty024

    I think that audiences have always been stupid, the problem is that the critics are starting to expect less. This thing almost got a pass on the Tomatometer. WTF! I think that years of the populace blaming critics for being pretentious has finally gotten to them and many have given up. They no longer objectively look at a film's qualities and instead try and guess why the audience went to the movies and try to use that frame of reference when reviewing the film. I've enjoyed bad films before. I've watched a handful of Ed Wood and I'll pick up a DTV to laugh at with some friends every once in a while, but I don't try and convince myself that those are good films. Can you honestly go into Transformers and come out thinking that was a well crafted story?

  • July 4, 2007, 9:49 a.m. CST

    as an Indian American

    by iwontwin

    I resent your resentment toward the only character of my heritage....LONG LIVE STEREOTYPICAL INDIA and its inhabitants......

  • July 4, 2007, 9:55 a.m. CST

    The movie doesn't even work as 'Just Fun'

    by Lour Reed luvs Frank Zappa

    It starts to get flabbier than my grandma's tits at about 1 hr into it. The second act blows feces up the viewer's rectum.

  • July 4, 2007, 9:57 a.m. CST

    And when BumbleBee Pissed...

    by Lour Reed luvs Frank Zappa

    It felt like he was pissing on me, like the fucking movie was pissing on me. The theater was packed, I had to sit in the very front of a mega-fucking screen. Imagine trying to follow the action scenes when it's already just a fucking blur. I was considering walking out at about half-way in, that's how much the movie fell apart.

  • July 4, 2007, 9:57 a.m. CST

    Fun movie....

    by Shawn F.

    ....until the humans showed up and ruined it. The whole plot line with the stereotype platoon was laughable at best. I guess that scorpion robot was a weapon of mass destruction, huh?

  • July 4, 2007, 9:57 a.m. CST

    Long live

    by iwontwin

    Apu from the Simpsons, Haji from Johnny Quest, the guy from Short Circuit 2, and now OUTSOURCE TELEPHONE MAN.

  • July 4, 2007, 9:57 a.m. CST

    Best Review Ever

    by Right Bastard

    "If a summer movie is meant to be like TRANSFORMERS, then why the fuck aren't you people embarrassed to be going to see summer movies?" Had to be said. Thank you!!!!

  • July 4, 2007, 9:59 a.m. CST

    iwontwin

    by Lour Reed luvs Frank Zappa

    he was criticizing how the movie was using a 'hot button issue' just to make the viewers identify with it better. An indian telephone support person represents the outsourcing of jobs, and something that americans increasingly encounter when trying to use such services. I don't think anyone here is expressing an opinion about Indian people, just how cheap the movie is for using such tactics.

  • July 4, 2007, 10:01 a.m. CST

    Amen Vern

    by loswr86

    Did you think that america was that far from being the movie idiocracy?

  • July 4, 2007, 10:02 a.m. CST

    Here's the Dividing Line:

    by Lour Reed luvs Frank Zappa

    The film's humor. Some like it, some don't. My opinion is--it is extremely arrogant and brash, it's abrasive and stupid. So if you can enjoy that, go for it. Just try to restrain yourself from emulating it when other people are around you. That's why people hate Americans, they act like characters from cheap angry stupid fucking movies like this.

  • July 4, 2007, 10:03 a.m. CST

    i know but in a way

    by iwontwin

    Im just kidding.... That joke was funny, but I would agree some jokes fell flat....... the whole thing was corny....but enjoyable.

  • July 4, 2007, 10:11 a.m. CST

    less military porn

    by iwontwin

    would have been nice. I think the Scorpion scene could have been cut, or perhaps the first bumblebee fight...although i loved barricade's design for some reason.

  • July 4, 2007, 10:12 a.m. CST

    YEAH DUDE!

    by iwontwin

    DUDE yea we were like totally fucked MAN!

  • July 4, 2007, 10:17 a.m. CST

    VERNINCONPOOP

    by TiNSeLToWN TeRRoR

    VER-N-IN-CON-POOP. Yea anyone can break any movie down like you just did! BUT i hope your opinion of this movie is honest and NOT a talkback haters/bay bashers wet dream. You and Mori are usually on the same page with me on movies. For the record i enjoyed Transformers , hated Spiderman3 and worshiped STONE COLD!

  • July 4, 2007, 10:19 a.m. CST

    steak, hamburger and then Transformers, the frozen patt

    by future help

    steak is great. a hamburger is good. a frozen patty is for those who like transformers. what a waste.

  • July 4, 2007, 10:20 a.m. CST

    So Vern and Harry..think you guys are setting.

    by jojo-pimp

    your expectations a little high for a movie about Transformers? Its not GONE WITH THE WIND!!! damn.

  • July 4, 2007, 10:22 a.m. CST

    The movie is Space Mountain

    by Victoryleo23

    I grew up on Transformers and regard it (next to Star Wars) as defining my childhood. This movie was similar to going on Space Mountain at Disney World. You remember when you were little how much it excited you but now it's just an old crappy, bumpy coaster. You enjoy it anyways because you remember how it made you feel when you were little. What killed this movie was Bay/Orci/Kurtzman who decided that by making the film "realistic" about a "boy and his car" you lose the chance to make the first movie to really excel with CGI characters. Instead, Transformers aren't about Transformers at all.

  • July 4, 2007, 10:25 a.m. CST

    One of your better reviews, Vern.

    by Kevin Holsinger

    Since you've mentioned "Daredevil" again, is there any chance you're ever going to review that movie on your site? I only ask because, once you've mentioned a movie several times (for good or bad), I get interested to see your review of it (glad to see you got around to reviewing "They Live", by the way).<br><br>If you do get around to "Daredevil", go with the Director's Cut (with Coolio).

  • July 4, 2007, 10:26 a.m. CST

    Say what you want Bay fans...

    by spencey7

    ...but an updated remake of "More Than Meets The Eye" would have made a much, much better film.

  • July 4, 2007, 10:27 a.m. CST

    I love how Vern clearly

    by Ebolarama

    I love how Vern clearly stated in his review why this shouldn't get a pass for being "mindless entertainment" yet all people can do is reply and say "Vern is an idiot, I give it a pass for being mindless entertainment." Brilliant.

  • July 4, 2007, 10:29 a.m. CST

    Transformers was crap, and I was routing for Bay.

    by talkbackgeek

    Transformers was pretty awful. The audience I saw it with applauded at the end while others like me sat dumbfounded.

  • July 4, 2007, 10:31 a.m. CST

    I WILL SEND YOU $10 NOT TO SEE THIS SAC OF COCK

    by Stuntcock Mike

    seriously

  • July 4, 2007, 10:31 a.m. CST

    This is not the end of cinema but...

    by runfoodrun

    sitting through the previews as people laughed their asses off to trailers for Superbad, Larry and Chuck, and some silly movie about a stuntman shows we are headed for the end. It's too bad that there was a robot peeing on a guy, and a robot giving the middle finger, just classless and unneeded, but not the end of cinema, we've been on that path since Kangaroo Jack was number one at the boxoffice a while back.

  • July 4, 2007, 10:31 a.m. CST

    This is not the end of cinema but...

    by runfoodrun

    sitting through the previews as people laughed their asses off to trailers for Superbad, Larry and Chuck, and some silly movie about a stuntman shows we are headed for the end. It's too bad that there was a robot peeing on a guy, and a robot giving the middle finger, just classless and unneeded, but not the end of cinema, we've been on that path since Kangaroo Jack was number one at the boxoffice a while back.

  • July 4, 2007, 10:31 a.m. CST

    my top 10 reasons for "hating" Transformers movie

    by future help

    1. Ratio, the size of the robots compared to their car counterparts 2. racial crap 3. the 50 ft tall or running around "you can't see me" robot shit. 4. no intelligent story 5. blur/action scenes with no tension 5. Steven Spielberg proclaiming it was the best movie ever 6. the preview for Cloverfield was better than a whole Trans movie 7. critics and fans defending it 8. Shai Lebuef (what's his name?) sideburns. although he was good in the movie. 9. breakdancin' robots 10. Vader screaming NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! P.S., Vern, you are my favorite reviewer since Joe Bob Briggs.

  • July 4, 2007, 10:35 a.m. CST

    WTF are u geeks talking about????

    by Bishop6

    U lost me

  • July 4, 2007, 10:36 a.m. CST

    Ten bucks says...

    by zb.brox

    ...this movie's like Independence Day. A whole lot of people going "holy shit, that was awesome!" when it's in theaters, they then get suckered into buying the DVD, and then it sits on their shelf never to be watched again as they realize it was a stupid, shitty movie that only had any value when blown up on the big screen.

  • July 4, 2007, 10:39 a.m. CST

    Bunch of posers

    by avalanche175

    I seriously think that a lot of you that are complaining have ever seen the cartoon. Go back and watch them and see the movie. It is pretty damn close.

  • July 4, 2007, 10:41 a.m. CST

    sooooooo....

    by RockLobster800

    should I bother going to see Transformers when it comes out here?

  • July 4, 2007, 10:44 a.m. CST

    this movie was great

    by roccotheripper

    fuck all you loser fan boys cause every person in the theater was loving this movie with me and my friends.

  • July 4, 2007, 10:47 a.m. CST

    What was the motivation?

    by stabmeintheface