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Published on Tuesday, July 3, 2007 - 4:05pm |
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Midol Girl hugs Michael Bay's TRANSFORMERS and escapes with minor abrasions
Hey folks, Harry here... For the past few days, Yoko and I have been playing host to a lovely lass from Vancouver with reel cool dreams, by the alias Midol Girl. She decided she wanted to write about TRANSFORMERS and I figured... ya know, we can't have enough female writers to set us boys straight, instead of all the male ass-slapping in our jingoistic locker rooms here at AICN...
Ain’t It Cool News: Tuesday, July 3rd 2007
Michael “Cocky” Bay, My Little Ponies & Why Bumble Bee is Better off as a Camaro
By: Midol Girl
Transformers the toys were too armed with more nerdy nostalgia for 20- something year old males then I could comfortably begin to even pretend to wrap my head around. I myself was a huge gigantic “My Little Ponies” fan around the same time my brothers were adding the Autobots and Decepticons to their Christmas wish lists, correction- to their Christmas, birthday and their just because “I’ve been so good” wish lists!
I found these fully articulated “sentient machines” extraordinarily frustrating to say the least. I had a hard enough time getting Barbie’s skinny little cigarette jeans up to her disproportionate hips and over her sticky little rubber legs, let alone sitting there during playtime, which should equal “fun time”, manually reconfiguring a piece of jumbled plastic parts into a (in my mind) boring innocuous form like a car or aircraft.
Not to trash the robotic dump tracks or anything, which I’m not sure existed? If there wasn’t, there should have been. They should have come with little garbage men that hung off the backs too, and miniature little trash cans that would double as air-fresheners when they’d turn into robots. That’s beside the point though, which was to say that these toys really truly could capture the imaginations of little boys literally all over the world. Of course I’m sure some little girls too, who most likely are far more technically advanced than myself (it takes me a good five minutes to find the power buttons on the new Macintoshs out there) but, let’s be honest here. It’s mostly boys who like these things and relish in the excitement of opening up a fresh new package with a little “robot in disguise” inside and gleam when they unfold the little inserts (tech specs) which detail all the exciting characteristics of the toys. The toys, that will soon occupy millions of minutes of their time, both in battle play and for years to come in collecting.
Who then would not be better to direct a movie about these toys then Michael Bay? A Hollywood film director critic’s say, “only does movies for teenage boys”. Bay’s response to that;
“I make movies for teenage boys, Oh dear, what a crime!” (Wikipedia quote)
With a career’s early beginnings stemming from stereotypical “guy” media ventures such as directing rock videos, beer commercials and even videos for the Playboy channel it’s no surprise that he moved on to do high box office grossing films such as Bad Boys (1995), The Rock (1996), Armageddon (1998) and Pearl Harbor (2001); Both films nominated for “Razzie” Awards (awards given out for crappy movies and lame directing etc.) because, lets face it. Who mostly goes to big Hollywood movies and takes their sometimes very apathetic wives and girlfriends to them? Teenage boys and men (essentially the same thing). I’m Joking! Now I’m lying, I was only half-joking. In all seriousness…
I went into the movie Transformers with a good understanding of Michael Bay’s cinematic style, one he’s often been negatively criticized for. Cutting to quickly, not making time in scenes for dramatic “moments” of stillness or for having too much stillness in the form of jarring “slow motion” sequences that seem to come out of nowhere and end abruptly. Bay’s also been attacked for using a lot of blatant sexism in his work. The latter I really have zero tolerance for, but I’ve noticed that chauvinism and it’s meaning in cinema has been blurred these days.
What one used to think was the objectification of woman for instance; a “babe” in a bikini holding a gun, is now considered by some as a form of “sexy empowerment”. That said, I went into Transformers expecting every woman to have long hair, a “nice rack”, a tan and technical babble to make the geek boys pitch tents in their pants- and that’s what I got.
I personally think the way to empower a woman on screen is with really good storytelling. By showing the events occur from her perspective once in awhile and having her intelligent decisions be motivated by her need to solve a problem with or without a male side-kick to provide opportunities for her to showcase her skills in all their geeky glory.
Transformers was everything I bewilderedly knew I was going to get, but so hoped would surprise me by not being the cheesy, thin robot-storyline meets “hot chicks” and explosions Michael Bay cliché that I expected. I think he tried to be cool, modern and “non-sexist” by having a “hot” blonde New Zealand woman as a government advisor/ code breaker but he fell short at his attempt (kind of like a lot of the movie’s sub-plots). She herself had to get a guy to do most of the work for her, and the hacker who was (despite his nerdy computer skills), basically just an idiot who was in the movie simply for more bumbling fattist “comic relief” that wasn’t really funny at all. This movie was full of bad attempts at humor. Don’t even get me started on the little robot piece of shit that transformed from a boom box!
The only human character that I could stand to watch for more then a few seconds was the lead guy Shia LaBeouf, and he redeemed a LOT of scenes that could have been super duper lame-ass. You can thank his brunette teenage boy crush, arm-piece of a bad actress for pretty much nothing in this movie. The whole love storyline didn’t add anything to this movie. But I guess a lot of Michael Bay fans (knowing them) would call him “gay” (which to Bay would most likely be as painful as someone dipping his face in lava) if he didn’t show a horny heterosexual guy with only one thing on his brain trying to get a girlfriend in the film.
That’s the other thing too, the way the women were dressed, hair styled, lit and shot was so cheesy and blatantly just there for “eye-candy” that it didn’t matter what kind of smart, gutsy dialog was written in the screenplay behind them. Michael Bay’s love for Playboy seeped out of every camera position and cut, and totally drown the women’s motivations to be credible, and mine to take them seriously.
Enough of the crappy stuff! What’s the good you ask? That makes me touch back to the little boy Transformers nostalgia factor I spoke of earlier. Transformers was chalk full of it and I loved it! Yes me, proud mouthy young female critic who was whining earlier how I preferred “My Little Ponies” to Autobots & Decepticons. I loved every freaking second of the robots in disguise and out of disguise on screen. I loved the way they moved, talked and transformed, and yes I even loved that Bumble Bee was a Camero.
A lot of geeks out there are righteously pissed that their beloved black and yellow VW Bug bee was changed to a slick striped speed racing GMC. I wasn’t, especially in this kind-of a movie. If Michel Bay is going to continue to be Michael Bay in all his glory, and let’s just let him go ahead with it because is box office numbers speak to the smiles he’s giving people- many who may be simply laughing at him and his oh so obvious hormonal “boy” choices , but still laughing right? And really? Who wants the peace-loving beetle mixed up in all of that redneck nonsense anyway? It wouldn’t be the little Volkswagon style to kill and fight in a war over a planet, so lets leave him out of it and let the cocky Camaro do the macho dirty work, and Michael Bay too.
Quite frankly I find his movies entertaining and exciting. If I were to skip out on the Hollywood movies that offended my female sensibilities I would never been seen at a movie theatre, let alone writing about and critiquing film on the WWW.
When I got to Michael Bay movies, the gray matter in my scull gives me plenty of warning that I’ll be pausing for head shaking and eye-rolling, if the camera isn’t already doing that for me. Would it hurt to throw in one static shot Michael? Just one? Maybe next time, and yes there will be a next time I will like most of you lining up and paying to see it.
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Reader Talkback
FIRST!!! by LordByron | Jul 3rd, 2007 04:14:52 PM | Eh? by The Ender Smites Foes | Jul 3rd, 2007 04:14:57 PM | I Will Kill You LordByron by The Ender Smites Foes | Jul 3rd, 2007 04:15:28 PM | right... by LordByron | Jul 3rd, 2007 04:16:01 PM | Whats this movie about? by howaboutanicecupofgofuckyourse
lf | Jul 3rd, 2007 04:17:09 PM | well Enders.... by LordByron | Jul 3rd, 2007 04:17:12 PM | now by LordByron | Jul 3rd, 2007 04:17:52 PM | This movie gave me a fucking
headache by hargon27 | Jul 3rd, 2007 04:18:13 PM | C'mon, A-Holes, start the hate
fest... by MC Vamp | Jul 3rd, 2007 04:18:29 PM | I don't know what the fuck I
just read. by IndustryKiller! | Jul 3rd, 2007 04:23:04 PM | She knew she would hate it
before she saw it... by Scorpy2643 | Jul 3rd, 2007 04:25:10 PM | Not the best review by Kamala | Jul 3rd, 2007 04:27:38 PM | emotionally invested by Andillformthehead | Jul 3rd, 2007 04:30:39 PM | Transformers was an abortion! by ninpobugei | Jul 3rd, 2007 04:34:26 PM | how many reviews can we see
that say... by BadMrWonka | Jul 3rd, 2007 04:36:15 PM | The transformers looked great by iwontwin | Jul 3rd, 2007 04:37:11 PM | re: ninpobugei by Andillformthehead | Jul 3rd, 2007 04:39:07 PM | Why is this review posted? by Fatty Magee | Jul 3rd, 2007 04:40:00 PM | bitch fest by tibbar | Jul 3rd, 2007 04:40:01 PM | Sigh, where's Alexandra Dupont
when you need her? by Messiahman | Jul 3rd, 2007 04:42:08 PM | Optimus by Andillformthehead | Jul 3rd, 2007 04:43:24 PM | Also, it's Camaro, not
Camero... by Messiahman | Jul 3rd, 2007 04:43:55 PM | christ - learn to write... by captain_sulu | Jul 3rd, 2007 04:48:07 PM | If this review was graded by BigFo | Jul 3rd, 2007 04:51:37 PM | Excellent Review! by pearlfan70 | Jul 3rd, 2007 04:53:12 PM | Australian. She was
Australian. by Womb2dooM | Jul 3rd, 2007 05:01:24 PM | ninpobugei's rant... by SavageDragoner | Jul 3rd, 2007 05:02:47 PM | Apparently anyone can write a
review, or something by DigitalDong | Jul 3rd, 2007 05:05:03 PM | to you guys wanting her to
unleash boobies! by HEADGEEK | Jul 3rd, 2007 05:08:02 PM | Instead of playing host to
this girl,... by xavier masterson | Jul 3rd, 2007 05:09:02 PM | re: SavageDragoner by Andillformthehead | Jul 3rd, 2007 05:09:29 PM | She went to the Knowles School
of Reviewing by Acappellaman | Jul 3rd, 2007 05:09:37 PM | proof read? by HEADGEEK | Jul 3rd, 2007 05:10:51 PM | What did this poor girl have
to do... by xavier masterson | Jul 3rd, 2007 05:14:37 PM | Harry, hire her fulltime. by DOGSOUP | Jul 3rd, 2007 05:15:07 PM | Hasbroriffic! by pearlfan70 | Jul 3rd, 2007 05:15:47 PM | "eye-candy" by jfp2007 | Jul 3rd, 2007 05:16:03 PM | ninpobugei by jfp2007 | Jul 3rd, 2007 05:19:14 PM | All Harry was do a favor... by MC Vamp | Jul 3rd, 2007 05:24:08 PM | Wow, so many typos... by MC Vamp | Jul 3rd, 2007 05:28:21 PM | Spellcheck? Whoops. by Midol Girl | Jul 3rd, 2007 05:31:19 PM | Volkswagon was formed by
Hitler by jimmy_009 | Jul 3rd, 2007 05:32:32 PM | aaaaahhhhh.....a girl. thank
god. by AllieJamison | Jul 3rd, 2007 05:32:43 PM | Spellcheck? by HEADGEEK | Jul 3rd, 2007 05:32:58 PM | Re: Typos... by MC Vamp | Jul 3rd, 2007 05:39:00 PM | Replace a lot of those commas
with periods by Dapper Swindler | Jul 3rd, 2007 05:43:27 PM | WHO THE FUCK by WISEBLOOD | Jul 3rd, 2007 05:46:27 PM | Just saw the movie... by GiggityGoo | Jul 3rd, 2007 05:51:57 PM | Lordbyron by The Ender Smites Foes | Jul 3rd, 2007 05:56:00 PM | movie didn't even quite
deliver on the basic level by sokitome | Jul 3rd, 2007 06:14:33 PM | PLANT... by couP | Jul 3rd, 2007 06:14:37 PM | the end is nigh by Mr_X | Jul 3rd, 2007 06:25:36 PM | will it ever stop raining? by StreetTrash | Jul 3rd, 2007 06:42:45 PM | bring it to my damaged
brain!!! by ludmir88 | Jul 3rd, 2007 07:52:39 PM | BEING FIRST by LordByron | Jul 3rd, 2007 07:58:29 PM | FINALLY! by Interficium | Jul 3rd, 2007 08:25:49 PM | Harry's Boobs by Midol Girl | Jul 3rd, 2007 08:41:53 PM | it's really amazing... most
men have by HEADGEEK | Jul 3rd, 2007 08:44:25 PM | I.... by Midol Girl | Jul 3rd, 2007 08:47:50 PM | It was ok, but is was'nt as
riveting & exciting as.. by glodene | Jul 3rd, 2007 09:03:40 PM | Robots vs. Werewolves! Now
we're fuckin' talkin'! by Uncle Stan | Jul 3rd, 2007 09:06:41 PM | Offering to let a houseguest
post on AICN by Daddylonghead | Jul 3rd, 2007 09:16:45 PM | oh and by the way by Daddylonghead | Jul 3rd, 2007 09:17:33 PM | Daddylonghead by L.H.Puttgrass | Jul 3rd, 2007 09:37:52 PM | And Harry... by L.H.Puttgrass | Jul 3rd, 2007 09:43:39 PM | Nah... by Midol Girl | Jul 3rd, 2007 09:54:22 PM | Seriously... by strider_is_hot | Jul 3rd, 2007 10:27:51 PM | She was Australian. by themanwhojaped | Jul 3rd, 2007 10:28:28 PM | JJ Abrams movie Tailer
Cloverfield by islander | Jul 3rd, 2007 10:45:49 PM | Australian? yes, technically by Maclovin | Jul 3rd, 2007 10:50:36 PM | Moobs! by JustyHakubi | Jul 3rd, 2007 11:41:40 PM | "Inch and a half long"... by Anti-fanboy | Jul 4th, 2007 12:37:16 AM | Some cool TF Movie Shit here: by LittleDudes | Jul 4th, 2007 01:57:07 AM | Just because Harry yaps like a
woman... by Horseflesh | Jul 4th, 2007 03:36:07 AM | That was one of the worst
things I've ever read... by Angry Mean Panda | Jul 4th, 2007 03:45:28 AM | WTF??? by Prefect Maximus | Jul 4th, 2007 05:10:22 AM | Admit it Harry by FILMFUNK | Jul 4th, 2007 06:03:10 AM | Ah, WAH HA HA HA!!! by UltimaRex | Jul 4th, 2007 06:09:33 AM | Peter Jackson for JLA! by UltimaRex | Jul 4th, 2007 06:10:48 AM | Midol Girl... by UltimaRex | Jul 4th, 2007 06:14:48 AM | Damn you Michael Bay by MCMLXXVI | Jul 4th, 2007 06:27:26 AM | This is all very
fascinating... by Jakes Nel | Jul 4th, 2007 07:14:48 AM | UltimaRex: the My Little Pony
movie... by longevitymonk | Jul 4th, 2007 08:02:42 AM | wait a minute-Midol Girl?! by RockLobster800 | Jul 4th, 2007 08:24:52 AM | Transformers? by Stuntcock Mike | Jul 4th, 2007 09:08:28 AM | Female reviewer by darrenspool | Jul 4th, 2007 10:44:24 AM | Transformers vs. Ponies by Cobbio | Jul 4th, 2007 10:44:26 AM | Anything > Tegujai Batir by Mr. Nice Gaius | Jul 4th, 2007 01:31:54 PM | Myspace. by Midol Girl | Jul 4th, 2007 02:10:42 PM | Facebook is LAME by HEADGEEK | Jul 4th, 2007 02:37:14 PM | VWs are WAR vehicles so it
didn't have to be a Camaro by Mace Tofu | Jul 4th, 2007 02:47:17 PM | Ahhh! I know! by Midol Girl | Jul 4th, 2007 03:26:58 PM | "& Why Bumble Bee is Better
off as a Camaro" by Immortal_Fish | Jul 4th, 2007 03:51:49 PM | objectification of woman by CENOBITE | Jul 4th, 2007 03:56:34 PM | "It wouldn't be the little
Volkswagon style..." by Immortal_Fish | Jul 4th, 2007 03:57:35 PM | Harry by iwontwin | Jul 4th, 2007 04:00:25 PM | What about the wife and Baby
girl? by Mace Tofu | Jul 4th, 2007 04:21:52 PM | HARRY HAS NOT CHOSEN
FACEBOOK... AND HERE'S WHY by Daddylonghead | Jul 4th, 2007 05:51:05 PM | supercowbell you 12-year-old
stop bitin' my steez by Daddylonghead | Jul 4th, 2007 05:51:40 PM | well... by RockLobster800 | Jul 4th, 2007 08:45:48 PM | well that was fun-whose up for
chinese? by RockLobster800 | Jul 4th, 2007 09:17:07 PM | Myspace Rejects... by Midol Girl | Jul 4th, 2007 11:08:26 PM | So after reading the entirety
of that.... by darkpen | Jul 5th, 2007 07:53:40 AM | Oh God... by vezner2007 | Jul 5th, 2007 08:21:13 AM | Midol Girl... by RockLobster800 | Jul 5th, 2007 08:45:11 AM | Why by idiocracyisnow | Jul 5th, 2007 12:31:09 PM | Facebook, MySpace... by Kid Z | Jul 5th, 2007 01:28:48 PM | And besides... by Kid Z | Jul 5th, 2007 01:29:49 PM | So Bumblebee is played by
BRAWN by jimbojones123 | Jul 5th, 2007 01:43:03 PM | Facebook...Myspace.... by Cellar Door | Jul 5th, 2007 03:22:15 PM | Huh? by Juanski | Jul 5th, 2007 03:45:49 PM | Thanks Harry... or My Review
of This Review by chiahead | Jul 5th, 2007 07:30:46 PM | a song for you... by longevitymonk | Jul 6th, 2007 08:30:16 AM | Michael Bay's My Little Pony by GizmoGremlins | Jul 6th, 2007 03:28:30 PM | GizmoGremlins by Midol Girl | Jul 6th, 2007 07:11:48 PM | TOO SOON!! by Pageiv | Jul 7th, 2007 09:01:41 PM | Pageiv and his wife by Midol Girl | Jul 9th, 2007 07:46:28 PM |
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