I am – Hercules!!

Ozzy Osborne has little to fear from Paula Abdul. “Hey Paula,” Bravo’s new unscripted series trailing the tiny “American Idol” judge, falls somewhere between “Being Bobby Brown” and “The Anna Nicole Show” (still perhaps the most tedious reality series ever forged) on the unscripted celebrity train-wreck scale.

“Paula” teaches us only one thing, really: The former pop-star’s servant-studded life is poor fodder for a reality series.

The opening episode struggles manfully to squeeze drama out of her visit to the Pennsylvania studios of the QVC home-shopping channel. The big crisis is a packing mix-up that forces the celeb to ride a plane in shoes and trousers she deems uncomfortable. Insipid “comic relief” is provided by Abdul conversing with her ill-behaved Chihuahuas.

But what matters Herc’s opinion?

TV Guide says:

… Celebreality is the emptiest form of guilty pleasure, and this pathetic time-waster is no different. … a dull train wreck.

Entertainment Weekly says:

… Hey Paula isn't on the same bleak plane as, say, Chasing Farrah, but it still mystifies. As Abdul diddles and flits her way through life aided by a support staff that appears utterly incompetent, you begin to understand her uncharacteristically abusive outbursts.…

Variety says:

… All "Hey Paula" teaches viewers is that nothing that goes wrong in her life is ever her fault. Now, the big question is whether viewers will care about a day in the life of the "Idol" judge. … As in any reality show, much of the drama and dialogue is amped up for entertainment's sake, but even then, gems such as "I'm tired of people not treating me like the gift that I am," and, "At first, people see me as a celebrity, but then they realize I'm just an everyday girl," seem a bit too calculated. …

The Hollywood Reporter says:

… surprisingly and devastatingly candid … What's different about the series is that it puts Abdul's tantrums into context. It offers this unspoken explanation: If you had the pressure of a hit show, a carnivorous press, various self-titled businesses and a zillion functions to attend, you too might be sleep-deprived, demanding and insecure. Viewed from that perspective, Abdul is something of a wonder. …

The Los Angeles Times says:

… a window into the high-pressure, histrionics-plagued and very lonely life of an already overexposed celebrity. … Destined to be what was once referred to as a camp classic, "Hey Paula" attempts to show the hard work it takes to be Paula Abdul. In this, it succeeds. … That the show has Abdul's full and enthusiastic support may relieve some of the guilt of watching this clearly troubled woman have a hissy fit over the wrong pair of sneakers, but it doesn't do much for the queasiness factor. Which remains very high.

The Washington Post says:

… We're a long way from the real world. We're in Paula World. Somehow, though, that world as depicted in "Hey Paula" is a rather dull place. … Certainly, "Hey Paula" would not have been made because of her fame as a singer-dancer-choreographer. So she makes plenty of references to "American Idol" and, in particular, her nemesis Simon Cowell. He has yet to weigh in publicly on "Hey Paula" but we can almost hear his two-word review now: "Bizarrely dreadful."

The Boston Herald says:

… As she goes off on those around her, some clever camerawork catches horrified reactions from bystanders. Abdul doesn’t realize people only put up with her because of her connection to the Fox talent show, not because she has earned any respect. … Judging from the previews for the remaining six episodes, the series will spotlight Abdul having multiple meltdowns, crackups and slip-ups. Hey, Paula. Sanity is holding on line three for you. Pick up the damn phone.

The Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel says:

… when Abdul announces peevishly, "I'm tired of people not treating me like the gift that I am" - I played the line twice, and that's what she said - she clearly doesn't mean the Bravo people, who know a gift when they see one.

The Boston Globe says:

… It's a star-in-her-natural - habitat show in the tradition of "Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List," though Paula is no Kathy, and vice versa. … A little money, a little fame, and suddenly you have a team of handlers who smile through your constant whining and self-aggrandizement. Soon enough, you're dispatching your housekeeper to clean up dog poop in your yard, then asking her opinion on your $12,500 Valentino gown, then giving her a bear hug and pretending you love her. (I'd actually like to see a reality show about Abdul's maid. The woman has a killer deadpan, and she clearly sees a lot.) …

10 p.m. Thursday. Bravo.

And The Deathly Hallows