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A pair of spies take turns torturing CAPTIVITY!!!
Ahoy, squirts! Quint here. Let's just say... I'm not surprised by these two reviews. The first is vicious, the second not glowing. In other words, the first review brought the chainsaw, the filleting knives and the superglue and the second reviewer brought a wooden paddle with a couple of holes drilled through to this party.
The trailer was warmed over ass, although Elisha Cuthbert is a hottie. I'll give it a shot, but I'm not expecting too much. Here are the reviews!!!
Hey Harry, Moriarty, Quint, Merrick... everyone else,
So you've run a couple of my reviews before, albeit under a different alias. Please allow me to proffer another critical analysis of a film that's hitting your side of the pond in a couple of weeks, and is currently doing the rounds here in the UK. Yes, let's talk about Captivity.
Torture porn is the buzz phrase du jour that I'm learning to loathe. It's a lazy categorisation of any current movie that features scenes of brutality, and it leaves me scratching my head as to why it's never bandied about in the same sentence as Mel Gibson's The Passion Of The Jeebus, because that's frankly the most torture-porn-rific gorefest going. And once again, that catchphrase has reared its ugly head in the same breath as Captivity - although this time, it's a little more apt. For whereas Captivity features little in the way of porn (unless you're a sandophiliac - alright, I made that one up), it sure as shit is absolute torture to sit through.
I knew frankly fuck-all about this film prior to sitting down to "enjoy" it - all I was aware of was that it starred Elisha Cuthbert and that the billboards had got a lot of people hecked up in your fair land. Turns out, it's the story of an It-girl supermodel who gets drugged and captured one evening in a nightclub, and is then made to endure several nasty mind games before teaming up with the captive-next-door and trying to escape her unseen tormentor.
And that's about it, really. A Post-It note premise stretched to eighty five minutes of agonising tedium, stupidity and utterly woeful logic. Cuthbert - who really should be an old pro at dealing with capture given her long-running stint on the Jack Bauer Power Hour - is about as one-dimensional as characters can get. Sure, perhaps that's part of the statement - she's a vacuous bint and deserves what's coming to her, but it doesn't really fly too well. Much as I'd love to throw acid in Paris Hilton's wonky face too, Captivity fails to actually satirise the empty-headed lifestyle of these supposed fashion leaders or justify the actions of its antagonists. Instead, Cuthbert just comes across as a non-entity, and therefore you fail to empathise with either her or the guy pulling the dungeon strings.
The third-act revelation will surprise nobody who has ever seen a movie before, and from that point on the film's scant character logic disappears up its own arse as random actions are thoughtlessly churned out for the purpose of prolonging the running time enough to keep this out of the short film section on Amazon. It's difficult to pinpoint exactly what I'm talking about here without dispensing spoilers (although, as this film is so weak, I'm almost inclined to ruin it for everyone and save you $10) - but suffice, once that oh-so-predictable revelation occurs, the movie seems to enter a bizarre fantasy world where cops actually prolong their enquiries to watch the football at your house, and deep-running familial bonds are swiftly severed just for the sake of a little tits and ass (although, there are no actual tits on display in this film, so put your pecker back in your Transformers grundies).
The scenes of torture are fairly nauseating, but that's not an endorsement. Although the hyper-active spastic editing of the Saw sequels is reined in a little, there's still nothing artful about some body-surgery close ups. I can see most of that crap on any lifestyle channel plastic surgery documentary, thanks. Early on, one guy does receive a sledgehammer to the balls for no real good reason, and you can't help but wish everyone involved in this film had met a similar fate before shooting wrapped up.
Which brings us to the makers of this garbage - as I hurriedly left my seat at the film's close, I was more horrified than anything I'd seen on screen to discover that not only was this dreck directed by Roland "The Mission" Joffe, but it was also written by one of my B-movie heroes - Larry Cohen. Cohen can do satire fairly well when he tries - The Stuff is a wickedly funny flick. Here, however, he's forsaken intelligent thought for repeated scenes of Elisha Cuthbert tied to chair and acting with her chin. Not cool, Larry. Not cool at all.
So Captivity sucks, then - even by recent horror standards. There's probably a fairly neat psychological thriller tucked away somewhere in this mess, but it's suffocated by the need to have repeatedly meaningless scenes of acid facials and DIY dentistry - none of which actually happens to Cuthbert, by the way, despite this being about her "captivity." If you do happen along to see this on July 13 (and I'll ask you politely - fuckin' don't), you may overhear some jackass and his girlfriend discussing the movie as you depart. And if, like a couple did after my screening, you hear them exclaim how exciting (it isn't) and scary (it isn't) this flick is, do me a favour - kick them square in the groin, and send them my love.
If you use this, you can call me Catnip Thief.
And here's the more positive review... of course, by more positive I mean not so pissed off. "Meh" is the word of the day for our next spy, notorious for carrying around a bloody ax. Enjoy!
Harry,
For whatever reason, CAPTIVITY has opened in the UK before the US, which gets it on Friday 13th July. Here's my review. If you use it, call me Jack Torrance (I've had stuff used by you before).
CAPTIVITY (SPOILERS AHEAD!!)
Following the highly controversial billboards earlier this year, you would expect, going in to CAPTIVITY, to see one of the most disturbing horror movies ever made. Instead, you'll come away thinking "meh."
Lazily dubbed as another entry in the sub-genre of "torture porn", probably a tag the makers welcome in the hope of boffo box-office, Roland Joffe's movie sees the model Jennifer, played by the lovely Elisha Cuthbert, drugged and abducted. She wakes up in a dingy room and discovers she's being held by a sadistic murderer who tortures and kills his victims and captures it all on video. He helpfully shows one of his videos to Jennifer just so she gets the full picture. But Jennifer's not alone. There's a man, Gary (Daniel Gillies), who's also being held in the room next to her. Through their struggle, they bond and try to escape.
The first half of the movie has a repetitive structure. The mystery sadist drugs Jennifer, she wakes up in another room, he does nasty things to her, then puts her back in her room. He drugs her again, does more bad things, and so on. Most of these scenes, though well executed, look almost identical to some shots from the SAW trilogy. These scenes have an arbitrary feel to them, as though the writers were ticking off a checklist of what kind of things people expect from a movie of this kind. With stories of extensive re-shoots and editing, there are two scenes of torture in particular which felt like they'd been added as afterthoughts to amp up the gore levels. One of them, in which Jennifer is forced to drink a rather unique milkshake that you wouldn't get down at your local Mickey D's, is so over the top, I found it hilarious. There's also a moment where Jennifer utters a line very reminiscent of John McClane's "thanks for the tip" in the first DIE HARD. Cute but it doesn't belong in a horror film.
Halfway through, there's a twist which I'd half-predicted - half-predicted in that it happens but not quite how I expected. At this point, the movie became far more interesting and I was intrigued to see how it would pan out. But the dark, dank atmosphere that pervaded the first half evaporates as the movie changes gear into conventional thriller territory and also commits the classic horror crime of revealing too much about the torturer. I say torturer because the actual murders are committed by...Anyway, while he's faceless, he's creepy. When he's unmasked in the full glare of light, he's just a rent-a-psycho. And with the current vogue for providing backstories for deranged killers, we find out the killer was sexually abused by his mother. Whatever happened to murderers who are just plain evil or sick? And oy!, how many more horror movies are going to riff on THE SHINING and have the maniac smash through a door with a large blade?
This is by no means a bad movie. After the truly woeful remake of THE HITCHER, this is THE EXORCIST in comparison. Daniel Pearl's scope cinematography is visually arresting, the always reliable Marco Beltrami delivers a fine score, and there's adequate gore and action to satisfy gorehounds. Cuthbert does well in a role that doesn't call for much beyond screaming and being scared. She's an actress with great potential but this script doesn't really stretch her.
The climax has no surprises and that's another of Captivity's failings. For a film so inspired by SAW and its ilk, which have raised the bar, you'd think there would be some devilishly clever showdown or twist. But in the end, it doesn't do anything new. If you're a horror fan, or a fan of Cuthbert's acting (and cleavage), you could do a lot worse than kill 90 minutes watching this movie. But it ain't no SAW (or SAW II or SAW III for that matter).
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+ Expand All
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I think.
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I probably won't see it.
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--- Quite possibly yes.
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...And go straight to the internet for satisfaction. Or replay selected scenes of The Girl Next Door... on slooooow...
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But I really have to stop watching films for such superficial reasons. I saw Honey last night, and now I fell all used and ashamed.This one doesn't sound much good, so I'll have to try my best to resist Cuthbert's nubile charms and watch something else instead.Has anyone seen The Sleeping Dictionary?
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Yak Sunday night .... what a shit fest of a movie - not like I hade higher expectations of anything above shit, but man .... Anyway. Won't be spending $$ on this one. I wasted that on the above mentioned rental.
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Plus she's not as hot as she was that first season of 24. Ohhh sweet kidnapp me Kim!
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The Saw movies are terrible, so I'll be avoiding this pic, as well.
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Nope. But I have seen Jessica Alba's naked titties. NICE!
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Oh yes beeeetches.
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...though I didn't pull my pud to that movie, no sirree. Pulling your pork to Mel's gorefest will get you sent straight to hell.
Now Elisha Cuthbert... -
and does she get undressed?
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If I'm not mistaken, that was a body double. There was some brouhaha when she wouldn't take it off for SIN CITY after she had supposedly done so in the past... at which point it was said that the previous tit-shots were actually not her own. Could be a lie though.
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She'll cash them in when she's all out of money and has nothing left to sell. So expect to see them @ 2027. Probably not as firm as today's but still Alba titties.
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wouldn't it just be cheaper and probably more fulfilling to rent "The Girl Next Door" and fast forward to all the scenes she is scantily dressed. The major twist has been spoiled throughout the net and it is rather a uninspired twist at that. From the reviews there seems to be not much else to not wait until DVD or cable for this one.
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starring Elisha Cuthbert where she isnt tied up at some point? Me thinks she might be into that shit.....
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I won't be seeing this one, or any torture porn-ish flick, I'm not into them. I liked the first Saw, but that was it. I was never interested in seeing any of it's sequels.
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And who the hell is a fan of Cuthbert's "acting"?
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from not being scary at all-not to sound like an old fogey but they are too loud, grimey and vacuous to be considered scary. Honestly, why do all serial killers have to be dirty bastards nowadays-TAKE A BATH AND SPRING CLEAN! The only too horror films I ever found truly terrifing where Eraserhead due to its otherworldlyness and Ringu because its plain creepy-that balls Hollywood revamp just had to add in unnecessary maggots and crap-the scaryest part of the original was the shot of the boyfriend in the tv pointing to the tape with a black cloth on his head. I cant even remeber if they put that in the remake!
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I hear the term thrown out a lot, towards The Passion and towards SAW. It's like nudity, where is the line where it's art and where is the line when it's for shock and/or titaltion. personally I don't believe the Passion is tortoure porn not because it deals with Jesus but because it is showing in a dramatic fashion what the Romans put a lot of people through when the scourged and/or crucifed someone. It was glamorized and I don't beleive Mel was going for the shcok value, I honestly feel that he had a story he wanted to tell and show, but I'm not 100% on that because the next year he released the "tamer" version in theatres and DVD and then this past year finally released the mega super deluxe DVD with commentaries, documentaries, etc. Almost like him and ICON were/are wanting to cash in on the film's popularity within the Christian community. I would offer the same argument if someone made a movie showing the horrors of say The Spanish Inquistion or something. However, I feel that the SAW movies use tortore and gore as a means of shock and such, not as an artistic expression to show what has happened. unless there is some dude in a clown mask working with the hot chick from Becker killing people based on the 7 sins.
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Who in their right minds likes this kind of sick shit? I like a good, gory horror film, but when it lingers over scenes of deprevation, torture, and the pleading of the victim, it just becomes wildly unpleasant. Give me the elegant PG-13 spooks of 1408 any day.
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The guy`s a total hack, and has never written a memorable score.
I`m almost inclined to think the second guy`s a plant simply because he`s saying the movie isn`t horrible. -
...the two best parts of Spider-Man 3 were connected to Gwen Stacy. Ronny Howard's little girl a hottie? Who'd have thunk it?!
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that is all.
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A "scourging" and nails through hands and feet are not the same thing as, say, a limb getting chopping off with a meat cleaver.
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Let me guess the guy in the cell next to her's is really...du duduhhhhhhhhh.... the kidnapper.
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and liked Hostel 2. So I bought the Saw and Saw 2 dvd's, since they have so oftened been compared to Hostel and spoken of favorably on their own.
WHAT A LOAD OF SHIT THAT FLICK IS. Saw was WORTHLESS. Badly acted, badly directed, slow, and no gore worth a crap. I've seen more tension in a tampax commercial. I haven't even bothered with Saw 2 because I just don't give a rats ass. Somehow, I get the idea that this flick will suffer the same fate. -
Just asking.
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bahaha that's brilliant, I shall have to remember that one. And it pretty much sums up most of the movies so far this summer.
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And don't bother with "Sleeping Dictionary." I assure you that those are not Jessica Alba's breasts. The cut to body double is so obvious it's almost comical, much to the shagrin of many-a-wanker.
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it is so hard to tell from the trailer....this film looks fucking awful. and say what you will abou the hitcher remake...sure it was a bad bad bad film but holy shit it was a nice looking bad film...whoever shot it is good at his/her job....
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If you look at mel's filmography, it is obvious that he has a thing for S&M and when you look at The Passion in that light, it is very much a sexual film. There are loads of perspective shots where either the audience is Jesus, or the audience are the Romans.
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i've ever seen. People were bursting with fits of hysterical laughter in the cinema i watched it in.
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"Early on, one guy does receive a sledgehammer to the balls for no real good reason..." Sir, there is NEVER a good reason for a sledgehammer to the balls.
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Was great! I find nothing more satisfying than reading a well written, totally scathing review of a terrible movie. Good work.
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Yeah, that goes over real well. And by well, I mean smug. "Oh, golly, I hate the torture porn buzz word because it degrades the idea of horror movies" and so forth. Lame. Accept the buzzword and eat it. Any event, torture porn is dead because Hostel 2 bombed so this will be on its way out. I love Cuthbert, though, but if she don't show the goods in an R-rated horror movie, then I'm out.
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The term "torture porn" is used to describe the genre of movies that Hollywood has recently been distributing as mainstream horror. Movies where torture footage is the focus, replacing the traditional horror focus of tension/suspense/fear (even most slasher films do not abandon traditional terror films the way Hostel and Saw do, and don't deserve to be categorized with them). To better categorize a film meant to entertain through torture, and to differentiate it from traditional horror, the term "torture porn" was found appropriate. Mel Gibson's movie was never sold as horror or entertainment. So why would you use a term from the horror genre (which was still in it's infancy of use at that time)? Mel Gibson's film doesn't entertain, it's not a date movie, no one watched to be entertained. Passion was meant to be a solemn reminder to Christians of the suffering of the Christ. In Saw, the suffering entertains, no one's is tortured for your sins, they are tortured for your enjoyment. Who watched Passion while laughing and high fiving a buddy? Another example is Schindler's List. Like Hostel or Saw, it contains brutal images of shocking violence and cruelty. The difference should be obvious to most of us. The horrors of concentration camps are not entertainment. Watching nazi's feed Jews into furnaces does not "rock", it does not "thrill", it does not "kick ass". You don't hoot and pump your fists when you see Jews scream. In Hostel/Saw/Passion/Schinder's List, horrible acts are the point. In some, the acts are meant to remind us of terrible acts and questions how these impacted humanity, in others, it's for fun and games. Torture Porn does not accurately describe all of these films.
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By calling it "claustrophobic cruelty"... Ah, marketing. See Hostel III - now with 23% more claustrophobic cruelty and 5% less sledgehammers to the balls...
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Christians watching a 2 hour movie of their imaginary friend being slowly killed? Now THAT'S fucked up.
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The director of this and Eli Roth especially should go to see 1408 with a notebook in hand to write down how to make a movie scary. You don't have to make torture porn like Roth to make a horror film.
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not to start a flame war here, but the historical evidence that there was an inerinet teacher/rabbi around 33 AD/CE who was killed and was named Jesus isn't really up for debate. The debate comes from what he said or didn't say and what followed after that.
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...Elisha Cuthbert is in it! and she is a hottie! Other than that there equal in term of being really lame ass flicks.
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The term doesn't really fit. I call these kind of movies "Hacksploitation" or "Axsploitation".
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and I doubt she's improved. This movie is guaranteed to suck just for the acting alone. I have zero faith in it being enjoyable enough to justify seeing even at the dollar theater.
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