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Massawyrm Breaks Out His Bible Belt And Punishes Himself With EVAN ALMIGHTY!!

Hola all. Massawyrm here. Once again I’m put into what I like to refer to as The Wild Hogs Scenario. It’s the critical version of the Kobayashi Maru in which there is no winnable endgame. You see, Evan Almighty is not a film made for me. And odds are if you are a very regular reader of this site, it may not be for you either. But that is not to say it doesn’t have an audience. A very LARGE audience. In fact, if you can envision the scope of the heartland you pretty much begin to see the scope of this movie. It’s got something for both Blue and Red states alike. It’s a large audience. And it’s not a bad film. My parents are going to love it. But I’ll never willingly watch it again. For all intents and purposes, Evan Almighty is a two hour sermon on God’s love and the ultimate meaning of the story of Noah’s Ark. And boy howdy does it get up on the pulpit. To its credit, it never gets all fire and brimstone and genuinely shares a message of love, perseverance and understanding that those of the JCI (Judeo Christian Islamic) faiths can readily identify with – as well as serving as an Old Testament story they all share. I would say that this is something of an allegory, but it’s far too explanatory and heavy handed for that. It’s Noah’s Ark II – The Reckoning: This time I guess we have to fucking explain it to you is more like it. However, and here’s the big however, anyone who enjoyed the first despite the focus on Christian ideals are going to find this to be completely sanitized and devoid of any of the crass or risky humor from the previous effort. In fact, Evan Almighty is pretty much a sequel in name only. Gone is the unique idea (a mortal becoming God) and any real mention of the events or after effects of the previous film. There are exactly three things linking this to its predecessor Bruce Almighty: 1) the word Almighty. 2) Morgan Freeman as the aforementioned Almighty. 3) Steve Carrell playing a guy named Evan. Is Carrell the same Evan from the first film? No, not really. SURE, they open up with him behind the news desk. He’s reading the news before they announce that this is his very last day behind the desk as he’s won a seat in Congress, which he leaves for like 25 seconds later. Then the asshole antagonist that we delighted in watching suffer as he read gibberish on air in the last film suddenly transforms into Unavailable Disney Dad Number 5 - the clichéd, hard working dad trying to make the world better by serving his country and putting food on the table for his family, but is really an unrepentant douche because he can’t find time to do all that AND take his kids hiking like he promised. What a fucker, right? But fear not, for here comes the plot. While Evan is trying to make new friends in Congress (these ominously party unaffiliated guys who want to requisition national parkland for business – or what we in the Republican party call…Republicans), God has other plans. You see, God would prefer that Evan build a giant boat to prepare for the flood. Because of all the people in government who could use information on a flood, it is a Junior Congressman from New York and not, I don’t know, FEMA. Okay, who am I kidding? I think building an Ark is actually one of the FEMA flood evacuation plans. So can the Hummer driving, rain forest despoiling, junior congressman from New York do the rational thing and drop his responsibility to his district and country to listen to the invisible man inside his head that keeps telling him to build a really big fucking boat in his backyard? Or will he instead shun his family and endorse a land use act being brought forward by the ever sinister John Goodman? Honestly. What the fuck do you think is gonna happen? The real problem is going to be explaining why all these birds keep showing up and crapping on him, something that will no doubt provide two hours of endless amusement for many of the films patrons. If you’ve ever uttered a phrase that sounds something like My favorite part was when the bird crapped on the guy and then another bird did this film might just make your weekend. However, if I were to tell you that the high watermark of this movie for me was the comic stylings of Wanda Sykes, and your asshole puckers up in response - I’m guessing this film is NOT FOR YOU. If you’re the type of person who might have trouble wrapping your head around the idea of a God who claims to have a plan that involves every minute detail of every beings existence, only to turn around and bitch about how pretty the landscape used to be until the people of his “plan” fucked it all up with development – this movie just might NOT BE FOR YOU. And if the mere mention of a God, religion or theology of any kind, not to mention the philosophies contained therein, sets you into a rage – well, I gotta ask: What the hell are you doing thinking about seeing a Noah’s Ark movie? Because this sure as fucking sunshine AIN’T FOR YOU. Look, there’s nothing really wrong with this movie. It is exactly what they intended – a harmless, rated PG parable with family friendly jokes and plenty of cute animal tricks to keep the kids and the kids at heart entertained. But it barely held my attention. And I swear to Morgan Freeman, I walked right the hell out after two minutes of the mortifying behind the scenes dance footage montage set to a cut and pasted remix of C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now that capped off this confectionary delight. That I readily recognized that it was a remix was embarrassing enough. Actually sitting through most of it is inexcusable. For that I need to go put on my leg spikes that I borrowed from an albino friend in the gladius dei. Recommended for anyone who plans their Sunday around service, and who might want to see this immediately after. Not recommended for anyone who might consider animal humor a bit unevolved, or who has a Flying Spaghetti Monster fixture where someone else’s Jesus/Darwin Fish might be. Until next time friends, smoke ‘em if ya got ‘em. Massawyrm
Bring it.

Readers Talkback
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  • June 19, 2007, 8:30 a.m. CST

    Sorry, but i laughed at the commercial

    by Lolthien

    When Carrell started screaming his head off seeing Morgan Freeman in his rear view. That may well be the only funny bit in the whole movie, but still, I chuckle.

  • June 19, 2007, 8:30 a.m. CST


    by greyspecter

    ...not a fan? Carell couldn't even salvage it?

  • June 19, 2007, 8:31 a.m. CST

    Yeah, I thought so...

    by John Maddening

    That's too bad. BRUCE ALMIGHTY was actually pretty entertaining. Carell deserves better than this, I wonder why he signed on with this script - it's not like he's hurting for work or money...

  • June 19, 2007, 8:33 a.m. CST


    by mparke2

    I was thinking it would be blah. You can't start out with a character becoming God, then make a sequel about a guy becoming Noah. You have to start small then work your way up. You know "Bigger and Better" not "Old Testament and Family Oriented".

  • June 19, 2007, 8:33 a.m. CST

    Catholocism WOW!

    by Reynard Muldrake

    So you're saying it's a bit like Robert Duvall in The Apostle?

  • June 19, 2007, 8:33 a.m. CST

    Morgan Freeman is Hosting 100 Years, 100 Movies

    by Samuel Fulmer

    Ten years later this week. Does this mean that the 100 films picked are Gods 100 favorite films?

  • June 19, 2007, 8:33 a.m. CST

    So it's family friendly fare?

    by c4andmore

    I guess I won't take my 11 year old to see Hostel II then

  • June 19, 2007, 8:34 a.m. CST

    So spoil us

    by Big Bad Clone

    How does God explain breaking his promise never to flood again? <lb><p>Do people die from said flood? <lb><p>Does he fit a pair of every single species on Earth on that boat or just the photogentic ones? <lb><p>Are he, his wife, and his kids expected to repopulate the Earth following their voyage?

  • June 19, 2007, 8:36 a.m. CST

    So its a solid movie in general, which means it sucks

    by godzillasushi

    GOTCHA ;) Eh it doesn't look so bad!

  • June 19, 2007, 8:37 a.m. CST


    by Baba-Lou

    a review that actually allows for the possibility that there just might be people out there whose tastes are a little different than the reviewer. I am upset that God DOESN'T appear as a giant planet-eating cloud, tho. good work.

  • June 19, 2007, 8:38 a.m. CST

    Family Fun?

    by Big Bad Clone

    I'm tried to talk my kids into seeing "300" and they balked at me. When I was their age, I was watching Robocop. That's some good entertainment. Way better than "Oh God" and "Oh God, You Devil."

  • June 19, 2007, 8:40 a.m. CST

    well, bummer

    by LegoKenobi

    but steve carrell still kicks ass. i guess i won't see it, but hope he and lauren graham make a bundle off of it.

  • June 19, 2007, 8:40 a.m. CST

    Unavailable Disney Dad Number 5

    by Franklin T Marmoset

    That was a funny one. Nice work, Massawyrm.<p>If movie character stereotypes were paid some kind of per film fee, Unavailable Disney Dad Number 5 would have a huge fucking beachfront house in Malibu, right in between Loose Cannon Cop Number 13 and Unfulfilled Houswife Number 9.

  • June 19, 2007, 8:42 a.m. CST

    Next Morgan Freeman schlock role

    by Samuel Fulmer

    I predict he'll be Zeus in The Clash of the Titans remake! Of course that's if they can't get Tiny "Zeus" Lister of No Holds Barred fame first.

  • June 19, 2007, 8:44 a.m. CST

    This thing could have kicked ass . . .

    by Nice Marmot

    . . . but they'd be going too far out of their way to get creative. They already show you in the trailer the scene where the flood hits. Imagine the film ending instead with God whipping the Arc off into space as the Earth explodes. That would be cool. His new plan could be for white people to take over yet another planet.

  • June 19, 2007, 8:44 a.m. CST

    An apocalypse is family fun?

    by IamJackBauersUncheckedRage

    There's obviously something I'm not getting about this movie. If I recall the first flood, EVERYONE IN THE WORLD EXCEPT NOAH'S FAMILY DIES! How is the death of 5.5 billion people "PG rated family fun."

  • June 19, 2007, 8:49 a.m. CST

    I prefered the philosophizing in Point Break

    by Spandau Belly

    Patrick Swayze's zen ramblings spoke more to my general outlook. Then again, he mostly plagarized Bruce Springsteen lyrics.

  • June 19, 2007, 8:51 a.m. CST

    i knew it

    by supercowbell 4 cant stop the cowbell

    the previews sucked ass and so did every single commercial. prepare for a bomb!

  • June 19, 2007, 8:55 a.m. CST

    God sent Noah the rainbow sign...

    by rev_skarekroe

    ...then he said it's the fire next time.

  • June 19, 2007, 9:02 a.m. CST

    Not Almighty

    by filmcoyote

    The thing i've always had with this is if Carell isn't being given God's power like Carrey was then he isn't 'Almighty' and it isn't a sequel. Not that i really wanted to see this anyway but Carell might have persuaded me. I think i'll go see Knocked Up again.

  • June 19, 2007, 9:05 a.m. CST


    by kikuchiyoboy


  • June 19, 2007, 9:11 a.m. CST


    by NachoNegro

    That is all.

  • June 19, 2007, 9:15 a.m. CST

    Hmmm. Carell could salvage this

    by Col. Tigh-Fighter


  • June 19, 2007, 9:15 a.m. CST

    Why no sequel to Point Break?

    by Franklin T Marmoset

    What a great film. I would love to see a sequel. I realise Bodhi is dead, but surely we can work around that. I reckon Patrick Swayze would not want to do the ghost thing again, so I think bringing Bodhi back as a surfing zombie would be the best bet. So, Bodhi is surfing and saying dude and also eating brains, but the FBI want to stop his undead gnarly shenanigans. They re-hire Johnny Utah, who - in a colossal clusterfuck of metatextualism - teams up with Paul Walker out of The Fast And The Furious to take Bodhi down. I think this is a surefire recipe for a quality sequel. Let me know what you think, Hollywood types. I work cheap.

  • June 19, 2007, 9:31 a.m. CST

    Two Things

    by ImFixingtoDie

    1)Evan would have been forced to retire from his News Desk as soon as he began running for Congress. Otherwise his station would be subject to Equal Time issues. So obviously this movie is unrealistic. 2)Massa, there is no such thing as a Junior Congressman. There are Junior or Senior Senators based on seniority, but he would be a Freshman Congressman. So obviously your review was unrealistic.

  • June 19, 2007, 9:33 a.m. CST


    by ImFixingtoDie

    Apparently Lauren Graham doesn't get naked. So obviously this film is unneccesary.

  • June 19, 2007, 9:34 a.m. CST

    What, no Diablo news?

    by brainedchild

  • June 19, 2007, 9:41 a.m. CST

    Go ahead and kick my ass...I know it is coming...sigh

    by frodo07

    Good review. Kinda. As a Christian from the south I kind of feel that lumping everyone who is of the Christian faith and from the “heartland” into one category, i.e. But that is not to say it doesn’t have an audience. A very LARGE audience. In fact, if you can envision the scope of the heartland you pretty much begin to see the scope of this movie. Nor do I agree with this population you so readily lump together being tied to this statement, as you put it: Not recommended for anyone who might consider animal humor a bit unevolved… Truth is, I probably will not go see this movie based solely on the fact that it looks like crap…then again; it may be fun to watch on a rainy day. Occasionally movies are fun to just sit down and watch for the sheer enjoyment of sitting with your kids, eating too much popcorn and watching a stupid movie. Many of us “heartland Christians” have very “evolved” senses of what makes a good movie. And I hate that so many people with vendettas lump us together with the crazies and take pot shots at us like we are idiots. Frankly, I am tired of it and find it very offensive. Just FYI, to get things out in the open, many of us “Christians” are not republicans, do NOT support the war and don’t like Fox News. Just had to vent a little…this was one of the most biased, vindictive reviews I have ever read. I just hate it when people involve personal feeling and beliefs into movie reviews. This is a stupid movie and was made to be a stupid movie and should be treated like a stupid movie NOT a platform to take shots at Christians, Jews or Muslims and their beliefs….

  • June 19, 2007, 9:44 a.m. CST

    "the ever sinister john goodman"?...

    by jig98

    is that supposed to be a joke? cause,it's a good one. him and dick van dyke i just don't buy as bad guys. no, don't get me wrong. they play them well. it's just that we are too used to seeing them play all around nice guys. couldn't they have gotten gary oldman to play the bad guy? or why does there have to be a bad guy, anyway? this movie doesn't have the right script for a bad guy, anyway. what would it really be like, snidley whiplash wants to steal the animals and put him on his ark? i don't get it. and this whole thing might crash and burn like the other 2 jim carrey less sequels that fucked up big time. and jim is smart for not doing the same charector a second time. {although, the second ace ventura was a lot funnier than the first.} i will probably see "evan" because the first one was a riot.

  • June 19, 2007, 9:56 a.m. CST

    It's okay, frodo07

    by DKH

    Read the review again. He doesn't really insult religious types, he's saying that the movie is for them and for kids. That if you're not religious odds are the movies won't hold anything for you. You're a Christian you said. I'll assume you go to church every now and again. Does that mean you think mosques shouldn't be supported? No, that's an unfair and poor piece of logic. In the same sense this movie isn't for somebody who the message isn't for, ie. people of the big three faiths OR somebody who expects a better, more thought out movie. The two don't have to be inherently related.

  • June 19, 2007, 9:57 a.m. CST

    There's going to have to be some serious Deus-ExMachina

    by PacmanFever

    Going on at the end if this film can be a successful "Family Comedy".

  • June 19, 2007, 10:04 a.m. CST


    by limb

    How the hell is the Noah's ark story a story about love?

  • June 19, 2007, 10:10 a.m. CST

    By the way, seriously

    by ImFixingtoDie

    There is no such thing as Judeo-Christian Muslim values. There are Judeo-Christian, and then there are Muslim. Witness them currently setting things on fire about an author getting a Knighthood.

  • June 19, 2007, 10:16 a.m. CST

    response to DKH

    by frodo07

    I understand what you are saying and I don't think he attacks a fath as much as he does a group of people. Yeah, so religious oriented films will not appeal to people who do not care for religion. That could have ben simply stated. But to group people into a mass and say "this movie will appeal to them" while pointing out that the movie is stupid, simplistic and underdevoloped seems to me a creative way to slap a whole group of people. I just don't like that tactic. Reminds me too much of a politician.

  • June 19, 2007, 10:17 a.m. CST

    jig98, watch BARTON FINK

    by ImFixingtoDie


  • June 19, 2007, 10:19 a.m. CST

    Birds shitting on shoulder joke

    by indyjonez100

    Just makes me think of Ass on the screen for two hours or Kicked in the Balls ala Idiocracy at it's finest folks. It's hear already and it's only going to get worse.

  • June 19, 2007, 10:26 a.m. CST


    by sevenrivera

    In Massa We Trust. Massa is the one of the few still calling it like it is on this site. As we saw with that disgusting travesty of a Spiderman review from the Fat Sellout, the level of objective critical analysis on this site is all but gone. Thank God for Massa and Moriarty who still take their role as reviewer seriously instead of becoming a cheap studio shill like their leader.

  • June 19, 2007, 10:29 a.m. CST


    by ludmir88


  • June 19, 2007, 10:39 a.m. CST


    by Massawyrm 1

    Naw, you got me wrong. If I meant Christian I would have said Christian. I'm a Christian. I was talking about the HEARTLAND, that large demographic of wholesome American values sharing folks who shy away from violence, sex and nudity in their films and prefer something more down to earth and frankly, Family oriented. This by no means requires Christianity. You can be Jewish, Muslim or even an Atheist who shares those same values but not the specific beliefs (oddly enough, I know a handful of these people.) I'm a Christian, but as most of you have figured out by now, I'm far from heartland. My parents on the otherhand...will LOVE this. I'm convinced my father is going to buy it and show it in his Chatechism class.

  • June 19, 2007, 10:39 a.m. CST

    Remember how they paid like $2 million for this script?

    by zacdilone

    This was once called "Passion of the Ark," and the studio paid something like $2 million for the script, which was written by some fairly unknown screenwriters. Then they decided to morph into into a "Bruce Almighty" sequel. That's a risky thing to do. Still, there must've been SOMETHING about that script that made them fork over so much cash. Something more than bird poop jokes. My guess is that it not only appeals to spiritual folks, but has something in it which is a grand slam when it comes to Christian-appeal. To bad we didn't get into what that might have been in this review.

  • June 19, 2007, 10:42 a.m. CST

    ease up on the religion stuff, brutha...

    by BizarroJerry

    Everyone who identifies themselves as Christians will not like a shitty movie just cuz God is mentioned. In fact, I'd think some religious folks would think the comedic use of God and a Bible story would actually be offended by it. I'd say "Bruce" was more secular seeming, though, because there was no real religious story brought up. But even this movie doesn't sound like religious doctrine. I also wonder why we can only mention Christians when the Noah story is, as you say, shared by other religions. It was the Jews' story before it was the Christians'. As for the use of politics, it seems like the usual non-aligned political kind of theme. By the way, I appreciate learning that only Republicans are involved in business. I coulda sworn some Democrats were rich and/or businessmen, but I guess I was wrong. And finally (jeez, I'm really in an arguin' mood, aren't I?) all Christians are not Republicans and vice versa. I live in Massachusetts, which is one of the biggest Democrat states in the country. It also happens to be filled with Christians, and Catholics specifically.

  • June 19, 2007, 10:49 a.m. CST

    I heard on NPR this morning...

    by rev_skarekroe

    ...that this was the most expensive comedy ever made. The studio must be convinced it's gonna bank.

  • June 19, 2007, 10:54 a.m. CST

    yes, i saw barton fink many years ago...

    by jig98

    "sometimes it gets so hot, i just wanna crawl right out of my skin." creepy, creepy movie. yet, a real gem from the coen brothers with a unique script and fantastic performances.

  • June 19, 2007, 10:59 a.m. CST

    Wyrm just ain't into God, that's all.

    by tHeGRinGoGenTiLE

    Might as well just...go to Mike Bay's house (hell), I guess.

  • June 19, 2007, 11:05 a.m. CST


    by frodo07

    I assumed you were talking about Christians and Jews when you stated that those in the HEARTLAND would like it and then stated that if you plan your Sunday around church service, etc you would like it. Seems to me that is what you were talking about. If not, sorry, could of used some clearing up. BTW, you only know a FEW athiest who do not agree with gratuitous violence? I know more athiest who are against it than Christians ,i.e Passion of the Christ...

  • June 19, 2007, 11:15 a.m. CST

    Hey Massa-'flying spaghetti montser'....?

    by warpspasm

    are you talkin about the new SX album?

  • June 19, 2007, 11:17 a.m. CST

    One thing I learned from this site is that Massawyrm's

    by Freefinger

    views on movies are incredible. Everytime he goes off on a movie and says it's bad, it makes a huge amount at the box office. Which says alot about Massawyrm's views and taste. Since he seemed not to enjoy this movie for it being a movie, then it must be good.<p>It'll hit no. 1 and make enough profit vs. the amount it took to make the movie to make it a blockbuster.<P>Massawyrm's views are at best mediocre...

  • June 19, 2007, 11:28 a.m. CST

    Religion, Hollywood-style

    by greyspecter

    The basic problem with the typical Hollywood portrayal of religion can be summed up in a line from "Dogma" in which the Muse (Salma Hayek) claims that "It's not important what you have faith in, just that you *have* faith." Which may seem okay to the shallow thinkers and irreligious among us, but is totally nonsensical upon reflection. Faith, by its very essence, is directed toward something, whether than be God, an impersonal deity controlling major events in the universe, or just the fact that the chair I'm sitting in will not break when I sit down in it. Faith for faith's sake is as meaningless as telling a rock to breathe, or a starving man to have something to eat when there's nothing edible around him. Hollywood is fine with faith and religion as long as it's nebulous and unobtrusive. Like all atheists, what bothers them are the demands that faith makes upon a person. The point I have ambled away from is that such movies like Bruce Almighty, Dogma, or Almost an Angel (for the Paul Hogan fans out there) dilute any specifics to the point where "relgion" on screen is as divorced from reality as the actors and actresses who portray them.

  • June 19, 2007, 11:36 a.m. CST


    by Err

    It is.

  • June 19, 2007, 11:37 a.m. CST

    Massawyrm, try writing an actual review...

    by Err

    Cause you haven't come anywhere close in any of your writings. God, you suck.

  • June 19, 2007, 11:43 a.m. CST

    Is global warming mentioned in this as a plot point?

    by The Dum Guy

    B/c I was wondering what's the reasoning for God to cause a flood (and correct if I wrong, but Biblically speaking, isn't the reason we have rainbows a sign that God won't cause another flood)?<br><br>

  • June 19, 2007, 11:44 a.m. CST

    ...but Massa, Did you think it was funny?

    by ripper t. jones

    couldnt tell from the review.

  • June 19, 2007, 11:48 a.m. CST


    by BizarroJerry

    Yes, usually Hollywood likes generic, non-specific religion that's not really religion any more. It's just someone's personal philosophy on life. There's nothing wrong with that, but they pretend it's religion so as not to alienate anyone of a specific religion. So, in other words, it's all about havin' a big audience.

  • June 19, 2007, 11:50 a.m. CST


    by Rei-Ginsei

    "However, if I were to tell you that the high watermark of this movie for me was the comic stylings of Wanda Sykes, and your asshole puckers up in response - I’m guessing this film is NOT FOR YOU." - that right there made my day!

  • June 19, 2007, 11:57 a.m. CST

    Franklin T Marmoset

    by sonnyhooper

    ....always though "Point Break" deserved a sequel as well. although i personally would have went with bodie washing up, half drowned, on a beach in new zeland. maybe get jason patrick to play the johnny utah role, or a new guy named "dakota smith" or "billy nevada", something with a state name anyway. POINT BREAK 2: POINT BREAKY-ER comming soon....

  • So why have Evan build an ark?

  • June 19, 2007, 12:09 p.m. CST

    have you ever noticed

    by MoseSchrute

    that at least one time in nearly ever review published on this site, Massa, Harry or Mori all write "you see..." It's the most used transitional phrase I've ever seen. I sound like a pompous ass, but I'm bored at the office.

  • June 19, 2007, 12:17 p.m. CST

    Instead of say Mass appeal, he says Heartland

    by Unnatural

    I too found Massa's review a bit anti-religious. Fine, if that's your deal, then why review a RELIGIOUS FUCKING FILM? Oh, because it's Aint-it-cool. This is just one of the reasons I visit this site once a week, instead of once a day like other movie sites. Great scoop on the batman motorcycle pics, when are you going to post those as an "exclusive." They've been up three days at other sites. Oh and make sure you don't give those other sites credit when you finally get around to posting them.

  • June 19, 2007, 12:22 p.m. CST

    On The Daily Show, Carrell intimated...

    by Det. John Kimble

    ...that this movie might not exactly be a 'career builder'.

  • June 19, 2007, 12:24 p.m. CST

    I have to see it


    I have to see everything that has Steve Carrell. It is my own OCD.

  • June 19, 2007, 12:35 p.m. CST

    flying spaghetti monster

    by pikagreg

    is a reference tot he southpark episode where cartman feezes himself and mr garrison turns atheist, because someone equates god to a flying spaghetti monster

  • June 19, 2007, 1:31 p.m. CST

    Actually Pikagreg, the

    by Massawyrm 1

    Actually Pikagreg, the flying Spaghetti monster is an actual argument against religion (although a particularly flawed one - it's an abuse of the platonic forms, but I won't get into that here.) Ultimately it is an attempt to shift the philisophic balance that exists as "You can no more prove than disprove the existence of God" and tries to say that the faithless don't need ot disprove it. the faithful have to prove it. South Park did a wonderful job of dealing with it, however. As to those offended, I don't know how many times I have to say, even in one talkback, that I'm a Christian. And if I can't pick on my own faith and beliefs, who the hell can? I spend enough time mocking others - occasionally I like to turn the spray back on myself.

  • June 19, 2007, 1:45 p.m. CST

    Patrick Swayze Almighty

    by Spandau Belly

    That could be the sequel to Point Break we've all been dying for! Patrick Swayze is resurrected!

  • June 19, 2007, 1:47 p.m. CST

    More on Church of Flying Spaghetti Monster

    by austinguy07

    For more on FSM, see home site or wikipedia: "The Flying Spaghetti Monster is the deity of a parody religion called the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.[1] The religion was founded in 2005 by Oregon State University physics graduate Bobby Henderson to protest against the decision by the Kansas State Board of Education to require the teaching of intelligent design as an alternative to biological evolution. In an open letter sent to the education board, Henderson professes belief in a supernatural Creator called the Flying Spaghetti Monster, which resembles spaghetti and meatballs. He furthermore calls for the "Pastafarian" (a portmanteau of pasta and Rastafarian) theory of creation to be taught in science classrooms."

  • June 19, 2007, 1:58 p.m. CST

    I hear ya, Mass...

    by BizarroJerry

    I'm not upset about the comments, really. I'm just annoyed by the idea that, "If you're religious, you'll probably like this shitty movie." I should probably also consider the possible sarcasm factor in your reviews. I tend to think it's quite possible the Pope could hear about this movie and say, "Wanda Sykes is in it? Count me out."

  • June 19, 2007, 2:08 p.m. CST

    Massawyrm should change the title of this "review" to..

    by Mike_D

    "Massawyrm takes a swing at religion and tells us a little about Evan Almighty!"

  • June 19, 2007, 2:18 p.m. CST

    I like lamp.

    by Christopher3

    I not like PG plane movie.

  • June 19, 2007, 2:28 p.m. CST

    yes Rainbows

    by Calimist

    are a promise from god that there will never be another flood...hahaha....of course the meteorological explanation could be right, but promises from god seem so much better haha

  • June 19, 2007, 2:35 p.m. CST

    Your invited to the pants party.

    by Col. Tigh-Fighter

    I love lamp!

  • June 19, 2007, 2:38 p.m. CST


    by pikagreg

    color me dumbass then, for getting my education through comedy central

  • June 19, 2007, 3:39 p.m. CST

    Wyrm thrives on hyperbole and controversy.

    by Borgnine JR

    You'll never get an even-handed "Ebert" style review from him. His reviews are interesting for what they are.

  • June 19, 2007, 4:11 p.m. CST

    how does it end?

    by bamboogrove

    I can't imagine a comedy having an ending where God deliberately murders every living man, woman, child and land-dwelling creature on the face of the Earth.

  • June 19, 2007, 6:01 p.m. CST

    So do they explain why God wants to flood the Earth

    by superninja


  • June 19, 2007, 6:25 p.m. CST

    It's funny when the Wyrm watches somethin not for him.

    by quentintarantado

    I like Massawyrm's review of "Wild Hogs".I like this review. I like Miike's "Ichi the Killer". I like "The Last Temptation of Christ" over "The Passion of Christ". I think Pasolini's "Salo" is pretty good (and morally reprehensible-- but well-made). I like Monty Python's "Meaning of Life" and their send-up of Catholicism in that movie (through a song called "Every Sperm is Sacred"). I also like "Life of Brian" and "Holy Grail". I'm Catholic. If I can't laugh at myself and laugh at jokes poking at the absurdities in my religion (yet still fully believing in it.) then I need to take that cactus out of my butt.

  • June 19, 2007, 6:45 p.m. CST

    Not sure what the problem is

    by David Lazarus Long

    "If you blah blah church whatever God, then this movie MAY appeal to you." Ok, so maybe not the most tactful way to say "It's got none of the raunch of 'Bruce', the most offensive part is when a little girl says 'I have to tinkle'.", but I got his point. <p> Actually, I have to commend him because I was looking forward to this more as a nutty, slightly perverse comedy a la "Bruce" than a sappy parable about saving the rainforest or morals or whatever the hell it's preaching about. <p> I know the rainforest is fucked. My movies don't have to tell me that. They really don't.

  • June 19, 2007, 6:51 p.m. CST

    Massa, did you really watch the movie because

    by superninja

    I'm about the 4th person to ask what explanation is offered for flooding the Earth again. :)

  • June 19, 2007, 6:56 p.m. CST

    A bomb only God could create

    by andrew coleman

    Does anyone think this movie will do really well? I haven't really seen it advertised very much and no one is talking about it. I'm very interested in seeing what will win the box office this weekend. Could 1408 actually pull it off or will Silver Surfer actually pull people back in, even though I think word of mouth is pretty bad. I just can't see Even pulling in it all that much. But what do I know maybe the Bible Belt will flock to this and make it a 200 million dollar smash hit. I kind of hope not but will see I guess.

  • June 19, 2007, 7:39 p.m. CST

    hey massawyrm -

    by occula

    unquestionably the best, funniest review you've done yet. good job, man. i could give a rat's ass about this movie but i certainly enjoyed the 2 minutes i spent reading your review!

  • June 19, 2007, 7:40 p.m. CST

    Flying Spaghetti Monster

    by ScamsAndFlams

    You people sound fucking retarded when you post that the FSM is a "reference to a south park episode" or some dogshit album by some dogshit band.<br><br>Evan Almighty will suck because it isn't funny, not because it's religious or trite or has bird poop. It isn't funny. Steve Carrell is the MAN in everything he has done up until now, but Evan Almighty has a huge neon sign that says "STUDIO BULLSHIT WITHOUT BALLS" flashing over its head. If you think this movie will be funny, your sense of humor sucks and so do you.

  • June 19, 2007, 7:45 p.m. CST

    Crazy Religious Kooks.

    by Tourist

    "I Don't like shit films. Maybe you backwards superstious snake handlers might." Sure enough, the Nutty Half Brainers jump to their own defence by behaving like reactionary abortion clinic bombing fruit loops.

  • June 19, 2007, 7:46 p.m. CST

    Superninja: SPOILER

    by Massawyrm 1

    Dude, I tend not to answer spoiler questions in reviews, but I will since you're so insistant. So big spoiler, anyone reading. BIGSPOILER. The flood God is actually talking about turns out to be from a local damn breaking, from cutting cost corners. It all goes back to the Congress thing. No one dies, and the earth isn't completely laid waste. Just political careers. And no, I'm not kidding.

  • June 19, 2007, 7:53 p.m. CST

    Massawyrm 1, NOOO!!!!

    by The Dum Guy

    Now, how will ever be able to enjoy this movie now? I wanted the whole Earth destroyed, or for it to be a surprise ending..(I'm not serious)

  • June 19, 2007, 7:57 p.m. CST

    Massa you should focus on THAT aspect

    by ScamsAndFlams

    The reason retards will eat this movie up is not that they're religious, sentimental, or young. It's that they're retarded. Before you posted that spoiler I wondered to myself "hmm, I wonder what the flood actually is" and guess what, THAT'S WHAT I GUESSED! I'm not special, I'm just able to think 1 step ahead of this film based on its trailer alone. That's how retarded this movie and its future fans are.

  • June 19, 2007, 8:09 p.m. CST

    TOO SOON!!

    by Pageiv

    Since God controls everything, why does he blame Congress for the flodd and not himself? just asking, oh, Lord :)

  • June 19, 2007, 8:45 p.m. CST

    Thanks for the spoiler, Massa

    by NapoleonDynamite

    But what the fuck is the point of the animals then?

  • June 19, 2007, 8:57 p.m. CST

    But how was Lauren Graham in it?

    by Pennsy


  • June 19, 2007, 11:50 p.m. CST

    The true nature of God

    by ScamsAndFlams

    is unknowable. you're welcome.

  • June 19, 2007, 11:56 p.m. CST

    Thanks, Massa.

    by superninja

    For taking the bait that is! But seriously, thanks. That is what I figured so it's all more of that cutesy stuff from the 1st film.

  • June 19, 2007, 11:58 p.m. CST

    Re: the animals

    by superninja

    He was probably saving them from the zoo and a farm or something.

  • June 20, 2007, 12:01 a.m. CST

    Pageiv, because in Hollywood movies God is

    by superninja

    always cute and cuddly and really needs humans.

  • June 20, 2007, 1:30 a.m. CST


    by Cobbio

    I think Steve Carell is nuts in a good way, and actually quite versatile, but as Massa said in capital letters, THIS FILM IS NOT FOR ME. A Bible story that never happened taking place in modern urban America ain't my cup of tea. There are just so many funnier, wackier things to make movies about than... Bible stories. I'm sure Judeo Christian Islamics (JCI's -- good term, Massa) will slap each other on the back and chuckle about how funny God is, about how his undying love of humanity is wonderful comedic cannon fodder... but Red State Bible Humor can blow me. I'm sick of thinly veiled religious propaganda. I'll go see Carell's NEXT film and laugh.

  • June 20, 2007, 2:19 a.m. CST


    by Franklin T Marmoset

    Just in case anyone is interested.<p>Also, on the subject of flying spaghetti monsters, fuck Richard Dawkins. I am not a christian (nor a member of any religious club) and even I hate that guy. Dawkins is, I believe, the most ignorant smart man on the planet.

  • June 20, 2007, 2:26 a.m. CST

    Another review...

    by JimBeaner

    These guys saw the film early as well and totally trashed it on their video blog. Good stuff...

  • June 20, 2007, 4:27 a.m. CST

    Since everyone is sounding off....

    by redfist

    The review was straight to the point about the movie being junk, he also said that it will appeal to the ppl that like good wholesome family oriented viewing (ref. heartland). It was not a crack at the relgious, however they need to be cracked on. The problem with "the faithful" is that if you even hint that you are not supporting their belief the the magic man in the sky, they scream of intolerence, but they never return it to the people that don't share their views. They embrace the whole god hates the sin, not the sinner mindset, which is bullshit. My god loves you no matter how fucked up I think you are. PS we need this sequel like I need a baptism.

  • June 20, 2007, 8:35 a.m. CST

    Dark Clouds Looming For EVAN

    by Roboteer

    There actually is something for Libs here. If there's really a flood of sorts, thank Pelosi he saved all those animals. Cameron missed the boat on that one. Didn't he know it's "ANIMALS FIRST! Women and children, fend for yourselves!". I know a bit unbelievable, but there's something like 94% of your fellow countrymen when axed, profess a belief in God. But I gotta think not that many of them believe literally in Noah's Ark. In fact if a believer, I'd be kind of embarassed to bring that one up.... Just curious, did Steve have to load up the old Gilmore 'ball and chain', who isn't exactly all that ripe, if you get my drift. Could he take Jessica Alba instead? And maybe Scarlett, Eva Mendes, Kathy Heigl, Amy Smart, you know, just to deepen the gene pool. (Plus some one has to clean up after all those animals.) Cue Jack Jones, "The Love Ark, exciting and new... Welcome aboard it's LOVVVE!" Verrry niiice. Especially after they all get wet. ....Now don't be so sure about a boffo box office on this pic, despite Wanda Sikes and bird doo. Everything is still falling in place for it to be the biggest financial flop of the year as I predicted. That was even if it was good and funny, which looking at Tomatoes early 27%, it appears it isn't and ain't. It just starts out so far underwater, budget wise, it would take a miracle just to break even. Also, it doesn't have a whole week to itself as someone proselytized. The Wednesday just after EVAN's Friday's premiere, a real blockbuster opens... DIE HARD4 or 7. (Who's counting?). Followed by some real family fare competition, RATATOUILLE the following Friday. Then TRANSFORMERS only 4 days after that. EVAN has 5 days to gross like $200 M to even sniff making any money before being swamped by these heavyweights. My God, if it does tank, if no one gets on board, we'll be deluged with reviewer puns for 40 days and nights. Batten the hatches maties, there be rough waters ahead.

  • June 20, 2007, 9:05 a.m. CST


    by ScamsAndFlams

    So let me get this straight. Liberals are bad, and Die Hard 4 will be good?

  • June 20, 2007, 11:12 a.m. CST

    Why does Massawyrm review movies on this site?


    and even more curiously than that, movies that he obviously has no desire to see in the first place. I'm pretty sure he knew ahead of time that there would be nothing about this movie that he would enjoy. First it has religious overtones. Second,there is no blood or gore.Third, mild language and no use of the F-word. Yet even when faced with all of this he still "reviews" this movie and says basically that because it isn't offensive at all that it is a good mvie that is not a good movie. Look, if you're used to going to the movies to watch trash like Hostel and Saw that's fine but when it shocks you that a movie is actually a little tame, maybe you should start to question your movie watching choices, and more importantly your moral center.

  • June 20, 2007, 1:54 p.m. CST

    HA HA HA!!!!

    by frodo07

    I think it is funny that I posted the fact that I was put off by the fact that Massa basically said a whole region/group of people had underdeveloped senses of humor and now we have all these folks posting that the religious kooks are out defending themselves again. ohshit! GOd forbid the CHRISTIANS and JEWS speak their, don't step on your toes right? Cause that is interefering with your constitutional rights. We're all idiots for believeing what we believe.... right? Whatever guys. Get off your damn high horse! Chill out. It is not republican party propaganda it's not spin I was just offeneded by the fact that he wrote something that seemd derogatory towards the "heartland" or whatever it is. Seems the definition of what that is and what Massa meant is all up in the air it has all guys.