Hey folks, Harry here with an early peek at TRANSFORMERS - and daaaaamn I can't wait to see this. Picked up an Optimus voice changing helmet... fantastic for webcam sex chats! Anyways - here ya go... beware of tiny spoilers and some encouraging enthusiasm. Here ya go...

Hi Harry,

You don’t know me, but I know you. I’ve previously submitted a review for ‘The Host’ (under the mock-goth pseudonym Womb2Doom which I don’t like anymore, fuck you very much) but you greedily kept it to yourself. Whatever

I attended the “world premiere” (in Sydney, Australia – the exclusive owners of the McOz burger) of Transformers last night with Michael “Do You Have It In Flames” Bay in attendance. He explained that he’d just finished the movie “19 minutes ago” and that we were the first audience to see the final film.

Quick background; I have fond affection for the Transformers cartoon but do not remember much about the series except the broad basics (they transform). I immensely enjoy Michael Bay films as I understand that they’re not going to shine me the right way or make me appreciate the elderly on all three levels. They are just there to make my dick harder for longer.

Which bring me to the following conclusion: those people out there who rued the day Michael Bay picked up directing duties for Transformers are idiots. Out and out fools. A flame on a once-flameless robot does not a bad movie make. Paul WS Anderson would have made this movie flameless and delivered a turgid pile of soggy salmon stool sample. There is NO OTHER director working today who could have provided the over-whelming spectacle that I witnessed last night. Exhilarating, and then some. This movie is exactly what a 2 hour live-action Transformers episode should be. In fact, I’m going to go as far as say that this is very possibly the best TV to big screen adaptation I can recall (having only recalled The Fugitive, Mission Impossible, The Mod Squad and Charlies Angels: Full Throttle). Transformers totally recaptures the euphoria of being 7 years old, sitting on the carpet in front of my old television set, TOTALLY engulfed by the awesomeness of fighting Transforming robots, neglecting my rice bubbles until they neither snap, crackle nor pop. Everything great about 80’s action cartoons from the action hero poses to the cheesy-fun good guy/bad guy back and fourths is here in hearts, diamonds, clubs, and spades!

Before going into specific details about positives I shall address the “negatives” which are escorted here in inverted commas for the sheer fact that it never once hindered this experience for me. Now, some will claim that the first two are pretty big negatives but when you have giant robots dancing around said “negatives”, I raise my shoulders, close my eyes, turn my head slightly right and exclaim, “meh”;

1. First up, and this includes a detailed plot summary; I had NO IDEA what the hay was going on here. Ever. The whole movie. I looked around to my mates who had the exact same look on their faces – I don’t know what is going on but I am loving it so much the sides of my mouth will soon bleed from the smiling! I think it had something to do with a cube that may or may not be a bad influence on the XBOX 360 community.

2. Second “negative” was one of things that adversely affected the latter two of the threquel efforts this year – over-crowding. There is pretty much only two human leads in this movie but dozens of supporting players to drop bits of exposition in between the stomping and driving and giant smack downs. These characters are usually quirky, funny or unusual (Jon Voight’s secretary of Defence gives Harrison Ford’s Mr President a run for his money in the “useful” department) in any number of ways and most get their moment in the sun. This may be the first movie that Bernie Mac didn’t annoy me but this may also be the first movie he only had eight lines. There are way too many more to mention individually. John Turturro – “Criminal girls are HOT!” Thank you, Jesus.

3. One CG shot. Yep, I’m scraping the barrel. This CG man may have been pretty bad but once he gets flicked off screen I laughed and forgot my troubles with a big cup of warm smash-em-ups!

4. The small gremlin-bot. Stupid and pointless. My only true gripe about the whole movie.

Specific positives;

1. Michael Bay. I’m sure all the plot information was actually featured and repeat viewings would render my number one complaint redundant (except for Sector 7, the most powerful arm of the government that has no power) but this film moves with such g-force gusto, I couldn’t care less. This is the most fun I’ve had in a cinema without Paul Ruebens (I like to stay up to date)

2. The action. There are so many individual action set pieces I can’t and won’t tell you. EVERY SINGLE ONE of them is a winner, even the annoying gremlin-bot. The first time Barricade transforms on-screen brought the house down. This was early on and we were treated to many, many more structure descending moments

3. The Decepticons. These guys are just too school for cool! I was induced to several joygasms, specifically the first time they assemble as a team appearing on screen in radio communiqué announcing they are on the way with something like “Bonecrusher, en route!” (in alien transcribed-to-English subtitle). This was a toy commercial brought to lovely life. I love that at the end of this sequence they all announce “All hail Megatron!”

4. The end city based action sequences. Easily the best thing to appear on screen since three V-Rexs went primal a few years back.

5. The score. Steve Jablonsky delivered a thumping great score and is possibly the sole reason gremlin-bot is tolerable.

6. CG. Flawless in every respect (except for point 3 in the “negatives”). Michael has come a long way since the blurred pixels of Armageddon. I think the biggest compliment I can pay ILM for this is that not once during the movie did I stop and think “Wow, great CG!” It worked perfectly in hand with the story and action like it should. Very impressed!

7. Meagan Fox. Too sexy to continue typing with one hand.

8. Shia Le Beof. Great in the lead. Very funny, dramatically convincing and charismatic. He worked well to hold his own against his metallic co-stars.

I don’t want to over-sell this and come off all leafy but this, for me is an instant classic of mega-proportions (I just over-sold it, didn’t I?)! I just won’t believe that any true Transformers fan could sit through this and not be anything but blown anyway. This IS a Transformers movie!

You can call me Dome22