Hey, everyone. ”Moriarty” here.

Have I mentioned yet that 20th Century Fox can go fuck themselves?

For a megacorporation who make hundreds of millions of dollars a year whether they’re cranking out dogshit or the occasional decent movie, they sure are a bunch of giant pussies when it comes to the slightest criticism of their films. Our reviewer, Jesse Morrison, known here on the site as Memflix, was a projectionist who ran trade screenings for a theater chain. He’s written many reviews for us before, but when he wrote one for FANTASTIC FOUR, Fox went into hypersensitive overdrive. They tracked him down and had him fired, threatening to pull their business from the entire chain over that review.

Think about that for a minute... this is one megacorporation threatening to blackball another corporation because one guy didn’t like their movie and had the stones to say so.

So fuck you, Fox. There are ways to handle these things, and you have proven over and over that you not only hate your audience, but you don’t want to know what they think. All you care about is the filthy lucre.

Having said that, here’s a review which should settle the ongoing talkback debate about whether the doucheb... er, “reviewer” Roy Stalin was for real or not. And watch out for a doozy of a spoiler in this review:

Mori,

Hey dude. Regular talker never contributed. I just got back from a press screening of FF2 and wanted to send something to AICN.

SPOILERS AHEAD... DRIVE CAREFULLY

First of all, Shields up. Cuz haters ain't going to like what they're about to read. Both previous reviews were full of shit. I just returned from a press screening of ROTSS and can mos def report that the UK guy was full of SERIOUS (as in NEVER saw the movie) shit.

Memflix? Well we just disagree on the whole thing.
Tim Story has done the what so far this summer was impossible. He made an enjoyable comic book film that was 1 million times better than its predecesor. It's not heavy, dark or bad looking. It did not suck as much I worried about going into the theater. It's an improvement in every way. Thing looks better, Reed's powers look better (and not like that awful ad that ran BEFORE the FX were complete) and Alba is smoking.

Story starts the film with Galactus and ends with Galactus. And, by the way, that's how it's pronounced in the movie not as some worried Gal-ak-tus or what ever Ultimate bullshit is out there. So I'll start with himi first, cuz you know you want to know what's up with that.
He's in there. But to reduce him to a "cloud" is a disservice to the film. He's, in my opinion, a galactic storm with elements of the the Kirby creation. I thought he looked pretty effin' cool. And be sure to watch for the shadow that moves across Jupiter. The FX people did an excellent job of it. Serioulsy, as much as I like the comic, there is no way (unless you're Alex Ross) that a big purple helmeted warrior would look cool on screen. There were a few FX people from a local firm there who I talked with afterward and they agreed that the G would have looked like a tool if done as Kirby created him. In this version, he looked more like a god. And the way he's taken care of in the end is MUCH better than the comic version where Reed all but stuck some kind of novelty lighter called The Ulimate Nullifier in his big face.
The dialog was nowhere near as bad as the first travesty esp. between the main characters. Chiklis is more comfortable as the Thing and Ion Gruffoiliijd (or however you spell it) is more relaxed with the American accent and character.

The best thing about the film, like Memflix said, was the Surfer. They nailed him.

His back story is in line with the Marvel origin, and despite know nothings who have claimed to have seen the film, there is no love interest between Norrid R'ad (the surfer) and Sue (thank fucking Christ). There's even a scene where he's tortured by the Army.
As to he plot, everyone knows it by now: Something is killing worlds and has come to earth. Doom (we'll get to him in a minute) is getting better at his castle in Latvia and also tracking the surfer. As Reed and Sue are planning to get married, Doom trackes the Surfer to Iceland and get a blast of the power cosmic up his ass, which heals his scars. And, as we know from the 1,000,000,000th trailer out there, Johnny's run in with the surfer has made it possible to switch powers with his teammates (which wasn't as annoying as I feared).

The army calls on Reed to help out with international problem of big fucking craters appearing everywhere. The team fuck it up over London and Doom (fully healed) steps in to lend a hand with the problem. So with the FF's and Doom's help, they capture the surfer by seperating him from his board and lock him up and torture him.
Doom steals board, fantasticar shows up, they beat Doom using Johnny as a Super Skrull, Surfer gets board back and takes on his boss.

Keep an eye for The Watcher at the end.

Pros:
Stan Lee's cameo.
Better make-up/effects, dialog and action.
The Surfer
Andre Braugher as the army dude. He's awesome no matter what he's in.
The lack of Doom in the story. He's in it just enough for a few fight scenes. His costume is also MUCH improved over the first one.
The movie's length. 89 minutes. PERFECT. In and out and take the kids to Chuck E Cheese.

Cons:
Some continuity points.
Alba's hair.

Final assesment:
Better than the first one.
Not a waste of $$$.
Perfect to take the kids to see.
Hopefully they'll make a Surfer movie.

If you use this call me Greenhouse. Cuz that's what I'm going to get accused of anyway. Fuckers.

Oh, no! He sort of liked it! Quick, Fox, you better track him down and get him fired!

Or maybe you want to go after this next guy. And remember... you went after Memflix for “breaking embargo,” not because his opinion was negative. So either you go after these guys as well, or you’re exactly the bunch of chickenshit greedhead lowlifes I think you are. I guess time will tell...

Hi Harry & Quint.

Just got back from a Silver Surfer premiere in the UK. The Vue cinema chain was hosting the world premiere in London's Leicester Square, and did a series of simultaneous regional premieres (I went to the one in Cambridge).

Here's a quick spoiler-free review.

First off the premiere event was cool - we got a live feed from London on the big screen... Jessica Alba was gorgeous and didn't stop smiling... Chris Evans turned up for the money... Ioan Gruffudd always sounds odd with a Welsh accent.

Anyway, to the film itself. It was perfect. Absolutely perfect. In the same way that Spider-man 3 was actually a bit disappointing.

I've been looking forward to this film so much since I saw the first trailer on holiday in New York at Christmas. That chase scene between the Human Torch and the Surfer is amazing on the big screen (even though I've seen it a thousand times on the internet).

There's nothing I'd change about this film. It's light-hearted without damaging the characters, funny, and the action is spot-on. A huge improvement on the first film.

The Surfer is the clear star. He's not really a big character in the UK, so we have few preconceptions, but wow - he really is a great character. His story is shallow but holds up, and he is given some time to develop (although it's really basic character development, the kind where you spot his motivation coming before he does).

The Invisible Woman and Human Torch get the most F4 screen time. The Thing probably gets the least... F4 3 will need to feature him more heavily.

Overall, my wife summed up the best thing about it for her - it was all story and no padding. It opens with the start of the plot and just kicks off from there. No set pieces are done without adding to the story. Excellent!

I haven't yet read your other reviews (to avoid spoilers) but I'm aware there's a Galactus debate of some kind...no, you don't see Galactus as a person or really as a being, but you do see an entity that threatens the planet... worked for me, but then I didn't know the character from the comic books.

One thing, don't immediately run off after the first set of end credits, hang on for a few minutes for a final scene...

If you use this please call me 'The Master'.