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Jolly Roger Sends A Review From WORLD'S END!!

Merrick here...
My man Jolly Roger sent in this review of PIRATES AT THE CARIBBEAN: AT WORLD'S END. I've known Jolly for a while, now. He's a hardcore geek & avid AICN follower, so I thought you might appreciate his perspective.


Here's Jolly Roger...
Hey Merrick, It's early Sunday morning (5/20) and I just got back from the Disneyland; World Premiere of Pirates 3: At Worlds End, the red carpet was just insane, I've never seen so many people turn out to an event. Disney sure did it up right for guests of this party, I'm so pirated out right now that I'm almost glad the hype is over and I can move onto Transformers. But wanted to give you my review of the film. First off, let me just say this. At Worlds End is NOT your fathers Pirates of the Caribbean. In the way that Episode 3 of Star Wars had that much darker tone, this 3rd film also shared that formula. If the 1st two reeled you in as being fun and quirky with skeleton pirates, funny monkeys, waddling Jack, an Octupus man and sword fights then Disney did its job, this film throws most of those light and colorful perceptions out the window. If the earlier films started out like this, it'd be a totally different trilogy! (MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD MATEY, ALERT!!!) The film starts with Lord Becketts army basically hanging any man, woman AND child who is, was or has been associated with pirates, it is chilling and morbid...and then 3 minutes in it suddenly becomes a musical with all the doomed joining in unison to sing a pirate anthem...I wasn't sure at this point where the film was headed. Singapore got the film on track. Kudos to Rick Heinnrich the Production Designer on the entire look of this film, so detailed and gorgeous. His team did did an amazing job (and he was seated a few rows ahead of me tonight too). So in Singapore there is a whole plot to steal Sao Fengs ship and the ancient maps and it sort of feels like a mission along the lines of THE ROCK (very Bruckheimerish). We see Elizabeth Swann as a pirate now, she has shed the princess persona for this movie. A scene where she basically goes thru a security checkpoint and turns in her weapons is just great, we see how rough and tough she's become. About 20 mins in we finally get the taste of our 1st big on-screen fight as the East India trading company crashes the party and goes on a killing spree. They are ruthless, this set of scenes if very graphic and disturbing, lots of shooting and death. Will, Barbosa, Liz and the rest of the gang escape in Sao Fengs ship and go in search of Wicked Jack at Worlds End. This Asian ship sails thru some amazing visuals, from an arctic sea to a ocean full of stars. Watching the little monkey freezing was almost cute. Around 30 minutes in Davey Jones shows up and starts tearing up the place in the Flying Dutchman, its the 1st on screen battle at sea and it doesn't disappoint. His sea-themed crew never looked cooler and a new EEL crew member is rad! We also see Jones shed tears of rage over his lost love Calypso, the sea goddess. Around this time our cast topples over that waterfall to their destiation... It takes a good 45 minutes but FINALLY we see Jack Sparrow appear and what can only be described as his "Multiplicity" moment. The time it must have taken to shoot Depp in sooooo many angles for this scene is crazy to imagine, but is cool! We also learn that a rock...isn't always a rock. Jack and the old gang meet up, we learn Barbosa's 1st name is Hector, soon the Black Pearl is on the water again (it was in the middle of the desert earlier, reminded me of that scene from Close Encounters) Now Jack and Barbosa are fighting over who's the Captain of the Pearl and it comes down to a pissing contest that basically equals a "who's telescope is bigger?" Then the film gets eerie and've heard of the DEAD SEA? Well they are certainly in it and it's nightmarish at points. By the hour 1 mark the crew is back in the real world of the living, we see the demise of the Krakken and the return of Sao Feng, we also learn that Will Turner has plans of his own and that includes being a bit of a traitor, was a nice turn...but he still pines for Swann who now is losing interest in Turner...oh the Drama! But thru all this the pacing of the film has been non stop. Make-up wise, the faces seem dirtier, grittier and more weathered in this tale and all the villains eyes seem bloodshot and tired. Another HUGE gory sword fight erupts about 90 minutes in, Sao Feng bites it and the crew arrive at Shipwreck Cove. We learn what the 9 pieces of 8 are (junk), Davey and Tia Dalma (aka Calypso and Jones lost love) reunite and we see Davey Jones PRE-SQUIDFACE!!! We meet the Pirate Lords which are ok, and we see some very brief cameo interaction w/ the Pirate King Capt.Teague who we learn is actually Daddy Sparrow...and we meet Mummy...I mean Mommy Sparrow as well!!! Ever wonder what the keys the dog in the Pirates ride are holding go to? We always assumed it was to the jail cell, but now we see it's for something else, the Pirate Book of Rules! (Looks like a huge scrapbook) Swann is nominated the Pirate Leader and she takes full on bad-ass control, the Pirates all band together to stop Lord Beckett as Elizabeth yells "Hoist the Colours" and then all hell breaks loose as they get ready for the epic battle! A little over 2 hours in Calypso (Tia Dalma) is transformed into a 50ft woman who then turns into millions of crabs and causes a Maelstrom/whirlpool which kicks off a 20 minute non-stop action sequence which will knock your socks off. This key part of the movie is the swashbuckling pirates we've all been waiting to see. Its the Episode 1 Darth Maul fight sequence from Star Wars but on the open seas. The Dutchman goes head to head w/ the Black Pearl, Sparrow and Jones sword fight, there is a Marriage on the High Seas, an Explosive building climax and a total rip off of Return of the Jedi's final Emperor's Throne Room scene (minus the flailing lightning bolts), but between Will Turner, Davey Jones and Bootstrap Bill. THEE coolest moment, which is Oscar worthy is the effect of Lord Beckett's ship the Endeavor being blown to smithereens around him as he proudly goes down w/ the vessel. THIS SHIT WAS AWESOME!!! I'd pay just to see that effect sequence again. About 130 minutes in Davey Jones visits his own locker, Will Turner bites it, the Dutchman goes down the drain and thank god for Seaweed Parachutes is all I have to say. All seems rectified, Jack loses his ship again, the line we've seen in the clips of Swann saying it'd never work between them and he says "Keep Telling Yourself That" got HUGE laughs. There is a super sexy ending between Liz and Will, he gives her his heart, theres a sunset kiss and then Jack and Barbosa are seen both separately heading on a mission for the Aqua de Vida (the Fountain of Youth). Living Forever seems to be the underlining goal for most of the characters in this film trilogy. Overall...a great ride...and I dont mean the theme park one. I think it closed all the doors and left ones open for possible sequels. There is a few minute scene AFTER all the credits roll which was really cool and gives us a look 10 yrs in the future of some of our characters, definitely stick around for that!!! Costumes, Sound, Visuals, Effects, they all went the gambit in this one. And acting, well it is what it is for these kind of movies, this isn't the Departed, it's Pirates, and going into that, you get a really fun movie, but like I said, much darker in tone than the others, parents beware!!! You have been warned. I would say see Dead Mans Chest again before going out and seeing At Worlds End because in the past year since I saw pt.2 there were plot points I had forgotten about that left me trying to catch up w/ the storyline. I was disappointed that I didn't see Samurai Jack or Sao Feng on the beach, I guess all those early leaked pics were to throw everyone off. Despite all what I've mentioned, seeing this on the big screen will be a BIG treat visually, I encourage anyone to invest $10 and see it in theaters w/ good sound. Thats to bed. I think the fireworks they had afterwards burnt holes in my Corneas.

Readers Talkback
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  • May 22, 2007, 12:01 p.m. CST


    by all


  • May 22, 2007, 12:02 p.m. CST


    by all


  • May 22, 2007, 10:02 a.m. CST


    by Highlynnder8

    Crazy couldnt read any of it.

  • May 22, 2007, 10:02 a.m. CST

    Careful about your opinions

    by jimmy_009

    BadMrWonka may be reading this...

  • May 22, 2007, 10:05 a.m. CST


    by 7pointedstar

    I'm getting my tickets now. Spoilers or not, I have to see this movie.

  • May 22, 2007, 12:08 p.m. CST


    by Samson_K

    Nah - only joking - though am confused as to whether Will Turners bites it or not and if so what is it!? Does he die? And if so the super sexy scene at the end between him and Keira (lovely Keira - sigh) could be interesting in a dark way!

  • May 22, 2007, 12:13 p.m. CST

    The Empire Review

    by yodalovesyou

    Empireonline has a review and predictably they're whining about it being too long. shut up you slags. you gave a 3hour version of King Kong 5 stars

  • May 22, 2007, 10:13 a.m. CST

    Real News....

    by Kevin

    Rick Baker, An American Werewolf In London, has signed a deal to create the makeup effects for 2008's The Wolfman, to be directed by Mark Romanek and star Benicio Del Toro. Since AICN and other sites won't mention it, I will.

  • May 22, 2007, 12:14 p.m. CST


    by eric haislar

    There i said it.

  • May 22, 2007, 12:17 p.m. CST

    A few HOURS into the movie

    by godoffireinhell

    Jack Sparrow has a rum and cheats on his shipboy.

  • May 22, 2007, 10:20 a.m. CST

    Where's the review?

    by lost.rules


  • May 22, 2007, 10:23 a.m. CST

    the effects are good, the story and acting is bad

    by Mr Gorilla

    so just watch the trailer a few times and you'll be fine.

  • May 22, 2007, 10:24 a.m. CST

    THIS is a review?

    by Radius86

    Seriously? It looks like the transcript of a Mexican soccer announcer.

  • May 22, 2007, 10:24 a.m. CST

    Just as rushed and meandering as part 2

    by Diagnostic

    Tia Dalma is hot

  • May 22, 2007, 10:29 a.m. CST


    by Kevin

    Romanek and Del Toro doing Wolfman, old news. Baker providing makeup effects for the film, new news. He was overheard at the Pirates 3 premiere discussing said "gothic horror" film. No mention of this before on any site.

  • May 22, 2007, 10:29 a.m. CST

    "I encourage anyone to invest $10"

    by redtom thing I've never understood - how in under fuck is a cinema ticket an investment when you get absolutely no return on it???

  • May 22, 2007, 12:33 p.m. CST

    This is intense...

    by Hyphin

    It sounds really good, and yah, does 'that certain character you mentioned' bite it or not, cuz you mention him/her AFTER you say he/she bites it....trying to be careful for all you who don't want the're welcome...

  • May 22, 2007, 10:36 a.m. CST


    by lionbiu

    did anyone have any doubt that calypso was Tia? This is not a review its just a summary of the film.

  • May 22, 2007, 10:37 a.m. CST

    The other 2 sucked..

    by Bishop6

    and this sounds as bad..I really dont care or give a f**ck for any of the characters..I cant see WHY this is such a big hit. Its lame..

  • May 22, 2007, 10:38 a.m. CST


    by Kevin

    If so, I apologize. Thought it was new news so I thought I would pass it on. Thanks for the clarification.

  • May 22, 2007, 12:39 p.m. CST

    Pirates are fucking gay

    by BYOBkenobi

    Where are the laserguns? This movie series lacks a death star.

  • May 22, 2007, 12:42 p.m. CST

    It's probably Bootstrap Bill who bites it

    by We

    aka Will Turner Sr.

  • May 22, 2007, 10:43 a.m. CST

    They forgot the ninjas.

    by 7pointedstar

    You can't have an epic battle with pirates and NOT include ninjas. I mean, come's a generations-old rivalry. That's what this series needed. Ninjas.

  • May 22, 2007, 12:47 p.m. CST


    by ShiftyEyedDog2

    I've ruined too many movies for myself by giving in to spoilers. For ONCE, I've made it this far, and will continue to resist for 2 more days!!!

  • May 22, 2007, 12:48 p.m. CST

    you gave a 3hour version of King Kong 5 stars

    by Chilli815

    Still trying to figure that out, because KK sure as shit wasn't a 5 star film when I saw it the first time, or the second time.

  • May 22, 2007, 10:58 a.m. CST


    by holidill

    Thanks for the clips from The Pirate Movie, it is my wife's favorite movie. I actually enjoy it as well. It is a stupid funny 80s musical, but it is a lot of fun. Oh yeah can't wait for Pirates 3. I feel bad for Shrek 3 not getting to have another week to bulk up it's take.

  • May 22, 2007, 11:04 a.m. CST


    by eloy


  • May 22, 2007, 1:15 p.m. CST


    by lost.rules

    Probably, as fucked up as this site is right now.

  • May 22, 2007, 11:18 a.m. CST

    Yeah, the darkness! That's what I loved about the...

    by lost.rules

    first one. Not the Humor, or anything. I wanted a dark, boring movie that was no fun. Fucking idiot filmakers.

  • May 22, 2007, 11:20 a.m. CST


    by Merrick

    Holy *DO* look like Johnny Depp!!!

  • May 22, 2007, 11:23 a.m. CST

    Just hand me the script already

    by Kragmose

    And we knew his first name was Hector?

  • May 22, 2007, 1:28 p.m. CST

    Anyone here want to be my friend?

    by Retrace

    We could like hang out at the mall or talk on the phone all night or go to Kroger and share a banana. Anyone?.... Hello? Is this thing on?.....

  • May 22, 2007, 1:32 p.m. CST

    The Endeavour?

    by Monkey Butler

    As in, James Cook's ship? The fricken ship that discovered Australia? That seems...needless.

  • May 22, 2007, 11:34 a.m. CST

    I'm curious can anyone write

    by The hoff

    I'm curious can anyone write reviews anymore. I ask because i'm interested in whether this movie is better then the second one but i don't want every fucking second of the movie explained to me.

  • May 22, 2007, 11:41 a.m. CST

    The character who "bites it" makes sense...

    by cdubbs727

    Saw this film at a press screening yesterday, but I'm going to respect the embargo and not mention that it should be called "Pirates of the Caribbean: What the hell just happened?". But I will say that all the confusion to the character who "bites it" but shows up afterward will make sense once you see the movie. Death doesn't necessarilly mean the end of existence in this universe. And I know he mentioned that a rock is not a rock...but that portion of the movie is so confusing that I don't know what the rock WAS.

  • May 22, 2007, 11:59 a.m. CST

    To be fair to the writer of Pirates...

    by Mr Gorilla

    He felt bad at all the flack he gets, while King Kong and Superman Returns got so much love. In fact, those films were terrible too. And, even worse, BORING terrible.

  • May 22, 2007, 2 p.m. CST


    by ShiftyEyedDog2

    You look nothing like johnny depp. rather, you just try to dress like him and wear your hair like him. dont flatter yourself.<br><br>p.s. after hearing you, there's definitely a reason you're unsigned.

  • May 22, 2007, 12:02 p.m. CST


    by Playkins

    Come on, you just had to know you were asking for it.

  • May 22, 2007, 12:25 p.m. CST

    REVIEW??? it's a SYNOPSIS, Retard...

    by Executor

    I don't mind spoilers in a review if I'm looking to see if a movie's good or bad or some intelligent criticism. But I started reading this shit and all it is is a synopsis. Any insight? Opinion? I stopped reading and just wanted to post...there is a difference between a REVIEW and a SYNOPSIS. The title of this thread should be "MERRICK SUMMARIZES AT WORLD'S END FOR YOU." sheeeeeeesh.<p> p.s. yeah, i know there's spoiler warnings, and i expect spoilers, but the point is...there's a difference between "spoilers" and a "synopsis". (i.e. "the Great Lost Debate of May 2007")

  • May 22, 2007, 12:26 p.m. CST

    The Pirates movies

    by kwisatzhaderach

    are total crap. Badly written, acted, staged and directed. Have we come to expect so little from our blockbusters these days that we heap praise upon any FX-laden shit we have shovelled in our direction? Certainly looks that way.

  • May 22, 2007, 12:29 p.m. CST


    by ElectricDreams

    I dont know why people are griping that this isnt a review, it's a review AND a detailed synopsis! I mean cmon, most of these plot points were leaked months ago, no surprise there, but reading how they all come together in the end now paints a big picture which I cannot wait to sink my teeth into. I'm so glad it's going to be darker, I was afraid it was going to suck and be corny and cartoony! Wow Wow Wow...thanks AICN and Jolly Roger for sharing this with the readers (before Disney yanks it down) *hahaha* -ED

  • May 22, 2007, 12:31 p.m. CST

    so how naked does kEIra get?

    by jbristow

    'cause if, in all the mad swiping and biting from the Star Wars series, they didn't borrow the "put your lead girl in a metal bikini (or less)" concept, then I'd sooner give my $10 to al quieda or the DNC.

  • May 22, 2007, 12:41 p.m. CST


    by ElectricDreams

    With Davey Jones dead, who runs the Flying Dutchman now to Ferry souls to the other side? I wonder if it will be Bootstrap? But if Will died, maybe he becomes the Captain? Can you imagine a sea creature version of Will Turner? I bet chicks would still think he's hot with a coral reef for a face! -ED

  • May 22, 2007, 12:46 p.m. CST - Pirates got 2 out of 5 stars and...

    by Err

    Rumor has it that it hasn't been screened early for critics which has never been a good sign. Hell, even Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film For Theaters was pre-screened for critics.

  • May 22, 2007, 12:47 p.m. CST

    THIS YEAR'S LITTLE MISS SHREK 3!!! And just as bad...

    by Err

  • May 22, 2007, 12:54 p.m. CST

    Still looking forward to it.

    by superninja

    Sounds kind of busy, though. But this is my kind of busy, arrrr! Love Davy Jones, sounds like they gave Will something REALLY great to do finally! Hee hee...

  • May 22, 2007, 12:58 p.m. CST

    jolly roger is actually roger corman

    by purplemonkeydw

    and he cracks up while writing these reviews so that you will laugh along with him

  • May 22, 2007, 1:02 p.m. CST

    lol jbristow

    by henrydalton

    And yeah, easy on the spoliers chief. "Thar, she blows."

  • May 22, 2007, 1:04 p.m. CST

    My five year old HATES cars

    by manzoniman

    Pirate movies suck! I can't wait to take time out of my day to register this complaint with the online world. When can we get back to real films, like the original Star Wars with garbage mattes and optic compositing?

  • May 22, 2007, 1:10 p.m. CST

    It's not $10 to see in the theater...

    by disfigurehead

    Before noon at AMC it's only $5. So even if it sucks, it's only 5 bucks.

  • May 22, 2007, 1:11 p.m. CST

    seein' this one very soon!

    by Drexl

    I really don't get where all the hatred for these movies comes from. In fact, I'm having a hard time figuring out why everybody on this site (and not just this site; but the online community as a whole) keeps getting enthusiastic about a film, only to start wrecking it as it approaches a release date. It baffles me much-loved films like Lord of the Rings are now seen as tripe and Jackson as a hack. It must be some defect in the minds of many mortals. One day you like something, the other day you hate it because that somehow makes you "cool"? I don't get that and never will. What cynical times we live in! All I'm saying is this; we all hold our movies dear to our heart but I'm pretty fuckin' sure that if Raiders was released today - the same movie that was released back in the eighties; without adjustments - you people would bitch and moan about flaws and shit as well. "How exactly did Indy get so fast to the submarine and how did he hide himself in the sub approaching the Nazi base?". Nobody seems to remember or care about this. Has nostalgia clouded our collective memory or do we somehow give those movies way more credit? I'm not saying Raiders is a bad film; hell no. I think it's the perfect, if not the ultimate blockbuster. But to hail those movies and blame their modern-time counterparts is foolish. Look, everybody who says that film is dead and there are no more good movies to be seen is full of shit. There are more movies made now than ever before and we have access to movies from across the globe... thing is; you have to be willing to seek them out sometimes and not just get hung up on some marketing campaign. That way you'll only see what the studios feed you and if you don't like any of that; well then off course you're gonna say film is dead! Having said that; I think the Pirates franchise is great. Perfect? No. But what is? I think it's an immensely spectacular, pulpy adventure yarn, I like the people involved and I like the way they've set up this world. Fuck it, I'm gonna say it; I prefer two to one. The first one was a pretty straightforward, fun yarn where the casting of Depp just happened to result in something fresh. If he hadn't been there, the flick could have vanished. Both two and three are written around the character and Depp's interpretation of him so they're bound to be a little different in tone. I like the way the writers and director took this story. I have nothing against sequels; I can still watch The Matrix and imagine my own "what happened next" and sometimes I even wanna re-watch what the Wachowski's cooked up. One can co-exist with the other. That whole "the sequels put a stain on the first one" crap doesn't mean anything to me. We don't have to take shit from Hollywood (then again, for all this so-called hatred these movies continue to make a gazillion dollars so who's watching them? Bitchers and moaners, that's who!), but I think we should cast our vicious eye toward the next Hiltonified slasher or Lohanesque rom-com before we assault geek-movies that give us visions and characters straight out of kid's stories; and I don't mean that in any bad way! Yo ho ho!!!

  • May 22, 2007, 1:40 p.m. CST

    So...where's the review?

    by 7pointedstar

    As has been said earlier, this wasn't a review. This was a summary that explained every detail of the whole damn movie. Reviews tell you whether or not it's any good.

  • May 22, 2007, 1:48 p.m. CST

    A pissing contest? Count me in.

    by performingmonkey

    I hope Jack and Barbossa have an ACTUAL pissing contest because that's the kind of thing that needs to be in these movies. Pirates surely did that sort of thing. I'm a little disappointed that no Barbossa/Jack revenge duel happened (at least I assume it's not in the film, what with the synopsis basically spoiling everything).

  • May 22, 2007, 2:52 p.m. CST

    So glad Rush is back

    by PullMyFinger

    I'm so glad Geoffrey Rush is back in a big way in this one. Seeing it on thursday and couldn't be happier about it.

  • May 22, 2007, 3:03 p.m. CST

    Let this movie be the last one

    by lost.rules

    Please, god. It's all I ask.

  • May 22, 2007, 3:13 p.m. CST

    Why no Kiera nudity?

    by TheGreenStyle

    At least ROTJ had Leia bikini. I mean, it's just a solid concept. the boys who were 9 when part 1 hit are like 13 now, getting their boners but not knowing what to do with. A little bit of harmless masturbatory aid could do those youngersters a world of good.

  • May 22, 2007, 3:15 p.m. CST

    That said...

    by TheGreenStyle

    I think it's a mistake to get Jack back from the underworld. it makes death utterly meaningless in this movie universe now. Anyone who dies can now concievably comeback for a sequal or prequal! just crawl back to the real world, like Barbosa did.

  • May 22, 2007, 3:21 p.m. CST


    by mrsinister7381


  • May 22, 2007, 3:21 p.m. CST

    sounds like the whole thing pays off in the end

    by pipergates

    yes now i am looking forward to it.thanks mate nice description.!-!¿

  • May 22, 2007, 3:24 p.m. CST


    by Bad Movie Year

    It takes that long before we see Capt Jack. Damn I just lost £10 if that's true. I bet the missus it would be less than 10mins

  • May 22, 2007, 3:27 p.m. CST

    Tia Dahlma turning into a 50 foot tall crab lady?

    by TheGreenStyle

    umm... no.

  • May 22, 2007, 3:29 p.m. CST

    rolling stone has a got a "real" review up

    by lost.rules

    It is not good.

  • May 22, 2007, 3:33 p.m. CST


    by Diagnostic

    I fell asleep half way through Pirates part 2.<br><br>Good Nap.

  • May 22, 2007, 3:50 p.m. CST

    Dr. Gonzo

    by Mattyboy122

    I think it has less to do with Travers' ability to understand the film and more to do with the film failing to make him care enough to put forth the effort. After all, the second film, too, was needlessly complicated. This is what happens when you write a blockbuster around set-pieces and not character: shit stops making sense and you've gotta pull out stupid gimmicks to solve your problems (wait, the key the dog had was to some pirate book? uhh, wtf? that makes NO sense).

  • May 22, 2007, 4:14 p.m. CST

    and even cooler news: EXTENDENDED DEATH PROOF

    by future help

    FILM REVIEW from Cannes: (post this, Harry) Last night we sat down for perhaps our most anticipated movie of the festival, even though we'd (arguably) seen it before and read the full script before Christmas. That film was Quentin Tarantino's Death Proof, taken out of its cosy Grindhouse home and shown here in its full two-hour format, complete with a new French title: Boulevard De La Mort! After the debacle following the double bill's release in the US we must admit to feeling slightly nervous, after all, Cannes was where QT's rise to cult status started (with Reservoir Dogs and Pulp Fiction), and we couldn't help feeling he was heading for a fall by insisting on a Competition slot, in the hope of securing a rare Palme D'Or double whammy. We needn't have worried. Those who saw the "Joseph Brenner & Associates" redux cut will see that all the scenes that seemed to be missing really do exist and have been slotted back in accordingly – principally with Stuntman Mike (Kurt Russell), the psycho fall guy who gets his kicks by running purty ladies off the road and into their graves. In its finished form, Death Proof still retains some of the Grindhouse trimmings: there are blips and scratches, and there's even an entire sequence in black and white, but far from being distracting, these details become integral to the atmosphere – Death Proof is a teasing film from back in the day but made now, causing a neat disjunction between the conventions of the story and the modernity of its characters (with the exception of Mike, of course, but we'll come to that later). Much has been made – here at least – of this being Tarantino's most linear film yet, which is true… ish. Death Proof is a film of two halves, but it's by no means a portmanteau. Half of the fun is in Tarantino's manipulation of our expectations; from the title alone and the lurid poster ("These 8 Women Are About To Meet 1 Diabolical Man!"), we're expecting something dark, so, Tarantino's own slasher-movie talk notwithstanding, its tempting to read this solely as a serial-killer flick. But like Jaws, Death Proof is a film about anticipation, and after a menacing Jack Nitzsche-scored credit sequence the film takes its time getting these girls done with. The flavour here is female, as Austin DJ Jungle Julia (Syndey Poitier) reunites her girl posse and celebrates her birthday with a night on the town. Mike is circling them but Tarantino takes his time, and the film really benefits from more time with Vanessa Ferlito as Arlene, the typical ‘last girl standing' from slasher lore. It's only Arlene that gets the measure of Mike's madness, but in true grindhouse style her gorgeous foreboding all but flies out of the window when the film suddenly lurches from horror pic to sleazerama, with a great barroom lap dance that leaves audiences and Mike alike grinning from ear to ear. We'll skip what Mike gets up to later: suffice to say that Mr Icy Hot is nice, not, but the real revelation of the new, long version is what happens in the second half. Although some of the controversial lengthy dialogue scenes remain untouched, Tarantino has reinstated scenes that introduce a second girl group and takes more time establishing Mike's interest in the new arrivals, which adds a whole new dynamic, like a purring engine, revving quietly while the director indulges his trademark love of dialogue. Two other elements have been added here: more screentime for Abernathy (Rosario Dawson) and, later, in the film's powerhouse home run, Kim (Tracie Thoms), with scenes that round out their characters so much, by the time they and their stuntgirl friend Zoe (Zoe Bell “as herself”) become a Switchblade Sisters/Truckstop Women-style rampage of revenge, the previously rushed transition suddenly seems scarily plausible. Full plaudits go here, of course, to Kurt Russell, who motors through the film with a deceptively subtle brilliance, portraying Mike as, alternately, a dope, nice guy, a washed-up hasbeen, a cool guy and a pussy – like Javier Bardem in the Coens' No Country For Old Men, this is about to become one of the definitive movie crazies. But however attached we get to Stuntman Mike, Tarantino's not allowing us to get too close, and with the final, euphoric ending he subverts the slasher-flick formula with a bravura climax that sent the Cannes audience whooping and clapping into the night. OK, one person booed, some older people moaned, and a woman from Turkey didn't get it AT ALL. But Death Proof is the film it set out to be, the film Tarantino had in his mind on the day we watched him shoot it. This is seriously entertaining American filmmaking in its prime and most definitely not the only-half-serious pastiche it could have been. There's no seatbelt, nor airbag, no nuthin', this is just Tarantino driving wildly under the influence. Just hang on and take the ride.

  • May 22, 2007, 4:45 p.m. CST

    Do any of the pirates attempted to be raped?

    by Doc_Strange

    Actually, I'd like to see Elizabeth attempted to be raped. If not, fuck it, I'm paying to see this.

  • May 22, 2007, 4:45 p.m. CST

    i agree, Planet Terror was better...i just like the the

    by future help

    idea that Planet Terror MIGHT be improved. (being such a QT fan.) and fuck yourself, ass. for some reason...his email is not accepting. ASS.

  • May 22, 2007, 5:10 p.m. CST

    You guys sure like..

    by Hyphin


  • May 22, 2007, 5:37 p.m. CST

    One word: Disappointing

    by MrBurrrns

    Just came back home from a screening. It's long, it's confusing, it has nothing to do with the first one. Script is crap. Keira can't act. Depp completely wasted. Only good thing about this one: Geoffrey Rush. He owns the movie.

  • May 22, 2007, 5:38 p.m. CST

    Peter Travers loved DMC...

    by jabbathegriffin

    So make of that what you will.

  • May 22, 2007, 6:23 p.m. CST


    by Lamerz

    mrsinister7381=COCKKNOCKER<P> You are a fuckin tool.

  • May 22, 2007, 6:26 p.m. CST

    POTC vs. Transformers

    by Lamerz

    Where Captain Jack Sparrow and the crew of the Black Pearl take on Megatron ... cannons against laser beams in the battle for Carribean geekdom!

  • May 22, 2007, 6:36 p.m. CST

    I know I'm gonna enjoy it

    by performingmonkey

    I like the story anyway and I must be one of around two people who still find Keira attractive so that's a bonus. But the effects sequences make this a real must-see.

  • May 22, 2007, 6:46 p.m. CST

    Puppy Shit

    by BadMrWonka

    I'm sure Mat Cale will review this and somehow talk about masturbating to drawings of Hitler shittong on Jesus, just so he can get attention...why don't you start sketching, you asshat?

  • May 22, 2007, 6:52 p.m. CST


    by TheGoodGerman

    If anyone of Lucasfilm reads this, its Time for a Monkey Island Movie you! A Three Headed Monkey!

  • May 22, 2007, 9:01 p.m. CST

    Whoever said this was dissapointing...

    by Gilkuliehe

    ...Was right. Yup. I loved the first two and SO wanted to love this one, but I didn´t. Lost interest and started rolling my eyes... What a waste, seriously.

  • May 22, 2007, 9:54 p.m. CST

    POTC was a ride at Disneyland...

    by kidicarus

    ...meaning that these films should've stayed lighthearted, fun, and silly. The first one was like that, with dark elements overlaying the whole thing, but then this second one comes and is bleak, brooding...and boring. This is Pirate of the Caribbean, I want to see spectacular sea battles, buried treasure and dangerous ports-of-call, interspersed with the strange tropical mythology of the Caribbean. Not convoluted plot lines and boring exposition. Oh well, I still love the first one...

  • May 22, 2007, 10:27 p.m. CST

    Hey TheGoodGerman,

    by mrfan

    Do you think there could be a cyclops monkey in your movie? That would be exciting.

  • May 22, 2007, 10:55 p.m. CST

    Is it just me...

    by PirateEmery

    ...or was the "spoilers" slightly wrong? Y'think there's a typo for "Will" that actually means "Bill"?<p> Because that's closer to the ROTJ scene: Bootstrap grabs Davy Jones as he is trying to kill Will and both fall into the whirlpool. That way the Will and Elizabeth bit at the end of the review would be correct.

  • May 22, 2007, 11:18 p.m. CST

    Is it Thursday yet?

    by NubtheSquirrel

    I have my ticket for the muthafuckin' 8:00 show and I can't wait to see this. I am hoping that it will at the very least be better than Spider-Man 3. The first two big summer movies (Spidey 3 and Shrek 3) have been disappointing thus far. This one, Harry Potter and Transformers are my three bright spots as far as action/fantasy flicks go this summer.

  • May 22, 2007, 11:26 p.m. CST

    Not sounding too good over there at Rolling Stone.

    by superninja

    Not that I think Travers is great, but he seems to make a few good points. I do like all of the characters (except Will, he's boring), so I will be checking this out. Long live Davy Jones!

  • May 22, 2007, 11:28 p.m. CST

    We know the plot for Potter is good and so are

    by superninja

    the characters. Potter will own. POTC2 sounds like it might be in the running with Spidey3. Transformers's script is crap. Shrek has always been crap.

  • May 22, 2007, 11:30 p.m. CST

    Perdon, POTC3.

    by superninja


  • May 22, 2007, 11:50 p.m. CST

    A bit overboard with spoilers

    by Ninja_Master

    I saw the spoiler warning, but did not expect to be given every plot detail all the way to the ending. There needs to be a new warning; "Complete Spoilage of Plot".

  • May 22, 2007, 11:56 p.m. CST


    by superninja

    is there anything else you'd like to add, robert?

  • May 23, 2007, 12:09 a.m. CST

    Wait... we're good with spoiling Pirates COMPLETELY...

    by PirateEmery

    ... but not good with spoiling LOST? REALLY?

  • May 23, 2007, 12:11 a.m. CST

    And then?

    by superninja

    I'm sure that's not all you've got.

  • May 23, 2007, 12:54 a.m. CST

    You should set the Tiny Police on him Superninja

    by pjdon

    They would shoot his fucking toes off!<p>Empire have reviewed this film on their site. If you want a proper well written none spoiler review check it out. They go along with the whole 'plot is too cluttered' etc. <p>I thought this would happen. I just don't know why the writers don't learn to be conservitive when writing these films. Combine multiple plots into one, basicly streamline everything so the audience is constantly aware of each characers motivations and can therefore be behind them and enjoy the adventure.<p>I dissagree about Shrek though, I loved the 1st 2. Spidey 3 I still haven't seen. I prefer waiting till the hype in my head has died down and I can watch the film more objectively.

  • May 23, 2007, 12:58 a.m. CST

    Here is the link to the Empire Review of POTC3

    by pjdon

    Everyone should read and say what they think.

  • May 23, 2007, 1:52 a.m. CST

    Pete Travers

    by yodalovesyou

    Travers is a populist, credibility seeking moron. who cares what he thinks. Rolling Stone is a music mag and that's what they should stick to

  • May 23, 2007, 2:01 a.m. CST

    "You fight like a dairy farmer!"

    by TheGoodGerman

    -"How appropriate. You fight like a cow." [to MrFan] Of course there can be a Cyclop Three Headed Monkeys in the Monkey Island^^ Insult Swordfighting, speaking Tattoos, fine Leatherjackets and a lot of broken biscuit. And in the end there would be a Themeride even bigger then the Disney-one...the secret of secrets...BIG WHOOP! Go for it George! Stop with crappy CloneWars Cartoons and bring some of your finest Adventure Games to screen, before TheBay rips you off again and sells the Lucasfilm Ideas as inspiration from a MickeyMouse Themeride.

  • May 23, 2007, 2:06 a.m. CST

    Thanks for the link, pjdon

    by Franklin T Marmoset

    From Empire's review, it sounds to be pretty much what I was expecting - a sporadically enjoyable mess, just like the last one. Still, I was glad to hear the monkey has a few good moments. He's my second favourite character.

  • May 23, 2007, 2:57 a.m. CST

    A Question For The Honchos

    by hextrav

    How can you, in clear conscience, react as you did to the Lost debacle while consistantly posting reviews like this? I have no problem with the "review," but the hipocrisy is stunning. It certainly allows some debate for the editorial autonomy.

  • May 23, 2007, 4:23 a.m. CST

    Why 'darker'? Why is 'darker' better?

    by Mr Gorilla

    Darker doesn't always equal better! 'Spider-Man 3' was 'darker' - and it was the worst one yet. 'Back to the Future 2' was the darkest - and worst - of the trilogy. DARKER DOESN'T AUTOMATICALLY MEAN BETTER! Just cos it worked for 'Empire Strikes Back' and 'Revenge of the Sith' doesn't mean it will work for you.

  • May 23, 2007, 4:27 a.m. CST


    by KnightEternal

    I am rubber you are glue..heh :)

  • May 23, 2007, 4:53 a.m. CST

    I agree, Mr Gorilla

    by Franklin T Marmoset

    Especially for this film. Can't we just carry on being light and funny? That's what I liked about the first one. I want more of Jack Sparrow's comical antics, and maybe the odd appearance by the monkey, but I don't want angst and tragedy and whatnot.

  • May 23, 2007, 5:28 a.m. CST


    by TheUltraHumanite

    my will to keep doing this

  • May 23, 2007, 6:17 a.m. CST

    i saw it half an hour ago...

    by DarthBakpao

    ... but forgot to stay until the end of credits... damn!! can someone tell me what is it? i mean more detail please?

  • May 23, 2007, 6:18 a.m. CST

    by the way, it was a nice conclusion to the story

    by DarthBakpao

    ... it was quite confusing and a bit dragged in the middle, but i like how they wrapped things up... especially the Liz - William part

  • May 23, 2007, 6:38 a.m. CST

    I like

    by Kragmose

    Darker. Not dark spidey tho

  • May 23, 2007, 7:10 a.m. CST

    just got back..

    by nolan bautista

    ..from watching it..a gigantic bore..Johnny Depp=wasted part..last hour of film=best part(but you feel kind of cheated because you had to sit through the talky parts)

  • May 23, 2007, 7:48 a.m. CST

    Part 2

    by NightArrows

    Was too long, too boring, and by the end I couldn't have cared less as to what happened to Jack or the monkey or whoever the fuck. Part three is darker? Good. That will bring sleep on nice and quick with a darker screen.

  • May 23, 2007, 8:13 a.m. CST

    Shame on you, NightArrows

    by Franklin T Marmoset

    How can you not care what happens to the monkey? The monkey owns this trilogy like Marty McFly owns Back To The Future!

  • May 23, 2007, 11:05 a.m. CST

    50 ft tall woman with crabs?

    by BillyPilgrim

    Does NOT sound attractive!

  • May 23, 2007, 4:21 p.m. CST

    A 50ft Woman Who Turns INTO Crabs

    by ElectricDreams

    And losts of them...but she mutters something 1st, an incantation or something. How her weight didnt send her thru the middle of the boat or make it top heavy is clearly movie-magic...or poor thinking on the filmmakers. But she THEN turns into millions of crabs and they all go into the ocean...then comes the Maelstrom! Oh yeah, I saw it Tuesday nite. -ED

  • May 23, 2007, 4:55 p.m. CST


    by RumpleWho

    "The film starts with Lord Becketts army basically hanging any man, woman AND child who is, was or has been associated with pirates, it is chilling and morbid" . . . And that's why I won't be seeing this movie anytime soon. Why the fuck does Verbinski think I want to pay 10 plus to see children being hanged!?! It's a fucking 3 hour movie, cut the damn scene!!! Christ almighty, does anyone in Hollywood have a fucking brain?

  • May 24, 2007, 12:11 a.m. CST

    this is a movie for kiddies

    by Rupee88

    just like the first two...nothing wrong with that, but adults who love this should question a few things about themselves.

  • May 24, 2007, 10:27 a.m. CST

    That was great

    by Atomic.Lobster

    but is there really a post credits sequence? There wasn't one where I saw it. Dammit.