Hola all. Massawyrm here.

There’s nothing worse than a sequel that was clearly made just for the money. Not because there was more story to tell or because people where demanding it. But because the studio knew that anything with the original film’s title would have an opening weekend so large that the word gargantuan would have to be pulled out, dusted off and used to describe it. And when the net is cast out and writers from all across the land are summoned, not a one is able to find a real story to tell with these characters who have, over the course of one, maybe two films, fully realized their arc. Yet the studio presses forward anyway. And you end up with a film like Lethal Weapon 3.

Yes, Lethal Weapon 3. Remember how awesome Lethal Weapon was? Which was then followed up by the coolness of Lethal “Diplomatic Immunity” Weapon 2? God, man. They fuck you at the drive through! They fuck you at the drive through! Good times, man. Good times. But remember how unbelievably lame it was when the third film got going and from out of nowhere Joe Pesci shows up? And you were like Dude, what the fuck are you doing here? You were cool in the last movie and all, but come on. This is part 3. It’s time to move on. But they didn’t. It was like a one night stand who refused to leave and kept asking you to take her home to meet your parents. It was everything you loved about the first two, without any of the magic that made you love them. And it sucked.

Well, friends. Let me introduce you to a little slice of lameness called Shrek the Third. There’s not really a whole lot to say about it. Except that it reminded me a hell of a lot of Lethal Weapon 3. It’s certainly not terrible. Nothing goes awry, nothing violates any of the rules and there isn’t a single piece of this which will make you hate yourself for watching it. But it isn’t anywhere remotely close to anything I could call good. As they say in Hollywood. It is what it is. And what it is happens to be the milking of a dry tit. There’s nothing left. Shrek is over. Every joke to be made has been made, every bit of fun to be had in Far, Far Away has been had. It’s like the last hour of the party after all the interesting people have gone home.

This is the film you throw into the DVD player to amuse the kids while you do something far more interesting. Like your taxes. Or the ironing. And honestly, had this gone direct to video with the intention of being for kids, I’d have no real issue with it. I’d watch it and remark Huh, that was kind of cute. I can see why they didn’t release it in theatres though. Except that they did. And this movie is so not playing on that level.

There are no jokes here. It’s not funny. It tries to be cute every now and again, and the occasional gag shows up, but there’s never a punchline, never anything to chuckle at. And all the while the film struggles to give something to do to every character who has ever shown up in the series – and in true Lethal Weapon fashion, also introduces us to brand new ones. Trouble is, there’s nothing for ANYONE to do. Donkey and Puss are back, but they’re so superfluous that you almost forget that they’re there. Hell, there’s so little going on that they have to steal one of the oldest gags in the book to try to keep them involved in the story. And even then you couldn’t muster enough to give a shit.

And to make matters worse, what plot devices they do work in never amount to much. There’s a big twist betrayal that they kind of forget to wrap up – or hell, bother to really explain – and then they pretty much steal the ending whole hog from The Pirate Movie without being so cool as to have a song like “Give Me a Happy Ending, Every Time.” It’s a cinematic shrug and a sheepish grin saying “Well, you came and watched it, didn’t you?”

And for fucks sake, this movie has some of my very favorite people in the world in it. If you were to tell me that there was an animated film with John Cleese, Eric Idle, Mike Myers, Maya Rudolph, Amy Poehler, Seth Rogan and Eddie Murphy, I’d say fuck yeah. Sign me up. But I wouldn’t for a moment believe that it was THIS movie. It’s like DreamWorks set out to personally introduce comic geniuses to the concept of mediocrity. Well, they can consider their work here done.

If your kids dig Shrek and are jonesing for it, they’ll probably have a good time with it. But you won’t. Fortunately, we’ll all have forgotten that we’ve seen it by Tuesday.

Until next time friends, smoke ‘em if ya got ‘em.

Massawyrm

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