Hey, everyone. ”Moriarty” here.

I’ve never heard of this until right now, and based on the report from Adam Paranoia, there may be a reason for that. All I know is 3D torture porn was actually mentioned in the Bible as one of the signs of end times.

Hi kids, it's Adam Paranoia.

Last night at the Chinese Theatre in Hollywood, I managed to squeeze my way into one of the five remaining seats for the new 3D horror flick, SCAR. The five open seats were reserved for the film's director. As the movie began, I quickly realized why the director didn't invite any guests to fill his seats. It's really simple to sum up the entire film in one sentence. This film is a very bad "Are You Afraid of the Dark" episode that happens to feature the most brutal and effective torture scenes I've ever seen in an American theater. Aside from those few sequences, the directing, editing, script, and score walk on thin ice at Lake Uwe Boll.

The film is about a serial killer who plays a particular game with his victims. He will strap two helpless people down to tables and torture them back and forth until one of them breaks and tells him to finish off the other. Imagine having to stare into the eyes of a best friend, family member, or significant other and order their execution to save your own ass? It's pretty intense and the film works really well here. The torture methods are easily more gruesome and violent than HOSTEL or SAW. During these particular scenes, the helpless teens give a fairly believable performance. The killer on the other hand was something out of 90's slasher film, where he suddenly becomes a super intelligent, articulate, witty villain the minute he has people under his control. The final death in the film wasn't color corrected, meaning it's either new or is one of many different endings being tested. I hope the producers read this because I can tell you it the only redeeming element of the film's finale.

It's evident that this film was a first time directing effort from someone who can't really comprehend what makes a film suspenseful. There is a scene where our hero is chasing the killer through a dark forest that should have had the audience thinking, "Oh my god, I can't believe she is putting herself in this danger. I hope she makes it out alive!" That wasn't the case. The audience sat there during this slow paced, unmotivated, and dumb sequence thinking, "Oh my god. I wonder how this movie was ever financed??" My friend and I laughed when we realized the chase was leading straight for an old barn. Come to think of it, if anyone has ever seen BEHIND THE MASK: THE RISE OF LESLIE VERNON, you'd probably think SCAR was a fantastic work of comedic gold.

Also, if an insider told me that the film's composer was trying to ruin the director's career, I'd believe him. Enough said about the music. The screenwriter killed this film at stage one by writing a script that has more one dimensional, unneeded characters than it does scares. The plot is lame and the story is too simple for a feature length film.

I know many of you are probably curious to hear about the 3D element of SCAR. At numerous times, the lighting is way too dark for the technology to shine and the director only played with three dimensional gags during non-scary moments. At one point during a scene that I assume was suspenseful, I took my 3D glasses off and watched. If this movie had no 3D effect, I guaranty you it is the worst film ever made. I'd like to talk more about the film itself, but I'm going to focus on the hilarious aftermath of the screening.

The film's final credits were rolling and the lights came up. A man in front of me was completely passed out. Some studio people ran to his aid and tried to stand him up. He fell right over. They gave him water and called for the paramedics. When he was competent enough to speak, he told the studio people that the film was too bloody and intense for him to bear. A man in a suit and tie interrupted him by saying, "Jerry, stop talking. There's people still in the theater". Another studio person walked up and said, "Hey man, that's your movie on the screen. Your own film was too intense for you". I looked for a Jerry on IMDB and didn't find anything. Perhaps this was an investor of the film. It's hilarious to see that the one man who couldn't handle the film's gore was also the man who made the fucking movie.

I was really excited to see SCAR because it was the first horror film I had ever experienced in 3D and it also featured the actor who plays Young Dexter, Devon Graye. Though, after seeing it, I can say that nothing will save this film. If the ratings board tells the studio to cut out the blood and violence, this film WILL become the worst horror movie in cinematic history. Keep the gore or you've got nothing at all.

- ADAM PARANOIA