I am – Hercules!!

The pissed-off cavemen in the Geico commercials make me laugh, but I could see how it might be tricky to expand their nonsensical concept into an ongoing sitcom.

We’ll know if “Cavemen” goes to series on May 15, the day ABC announces its autumn schedule. It won’t if the ABC execs feel the way AICN vet “Derek Flint” does:

“Cavemen” has a lot of people talking since it was first announced. People will continue to talk… about just how astoundingly awful it is.

“Cavemen” is literally a thirty second commercial expanded to twenty-two minutes. But… it’s actually much worse than that. Just like their source material, the origin of these domesticated Cro-Magnons is never explained. I guess “Encino Man” is part of the prequel trilogy. We meet these humanoids already fully integrated into society and living in a mid-west apartment with a bunch of Ikea furniture. Think about it, a show based on a commercial is bound to have a lot of product placement.

Now comes the most mind numbing, stupendously stupid and astoundingly misguided part of this fiasco: The creators have tried to infuse social satire by making the show an allegory for prejudice. They draw astoundingly leaden parallels to every minority group in the world without a laugh in sight. It’s jaw dropping horrendous and actually makes “American Dad's” lunkheaded topicality seem sophisticated.

The supposed “plot” of the pilot revolves around the Cavemen trying to crash an upscale country club, invoking the ad for the movie “Caddyshack”: “Some people just don’t belong.”

This pilot is slow, talky and dull… with the only real visual flourishes revolving around the Cavemen donning different costumes throughout the show in their bid to fit in.

Making matters worse: The pilot uses different actors in the Cavemen roles and none of them are nearly as effective as their advertising counterparts. One of them actually reminded me a little bit of Sanjaya.

This video will get passed around like the infamous “Star Wars Christmas Special.” It’s nice to know that the spirit of Ed Wood lives on.

Ironically, amidst the mad rush of script ABC developed this season was one of the funniest half hours I ever read… and they didn’t order THAT script in favor of this depth charge which could be the first pilot to actually hurt an auto insurance company.

Which also begs the point: Would Geico advertise on this thing? My guess is they'd pass.

Your Man,
Derek Flint