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Cumpston's SPIDER-MAN 3 Review!!

Hey, everyone. ”Moriarty” here. Normally, when Neill Cumpston joins me for a movie, I have to pick him up at his house in Sherman Oaks. I’ve met both his parents at the door a few times, and they seemed like nice people. A little older than I expected, but sweet. Tonight, though, I picked up Mrs. Moriarty from work and then had to contend with almost an hour on the 405 to make it to The Bridge in time for the 7:00 screening. When I got inside the giant IMAX theater, I scanned the crowd for Neill. I had left his name so that he had his very own press passes waiting for him when he showed up. I figured that would make him feel big-time. But I didn’t see him in the crowd, and I know the way he is... he likes to show up as early as he can. What’s weird is after my wife and I found our seats, I saw a little lady in her mid-60s who I thought looked a little like Neill’s mom. I figured that was impossible, though, and after the film, I didn’t see her again. So when I got home, I found an e-mail waiting for me, addressed to “Mr. McQweeney.” From a Nell Cumpston. And sure enough, it’s Neill’s mom. She explained why he wasn’t at the screening, and she told me that she’d gone in his place. So it was her I saw. That’s so weird. And the thing of it is, she’s a pretty good reviewer. I’m not sure I agree with her take on SPIDER-MAN 3, but I certainly understand it. I just got off the phone with Neill, verifying that it was, in fact, his mom who wrote in. And out of curiosity, I asked what her favorite film so far this year is. I heard her answer in the background: “That WILD HOGS was a stitch!” I give you Nell Cumpston:

Spider Man Part Three As I said in my electronic e-mail to “Moriarty” (a code name! I hope I don’t go to “spy prison”!) Neill got bad poops after having fish tacos at Rubio’s (I always get the Southwestern Chicken Salad without the tortilla chips ‘cuz “chips go to the hips” – ha ha!) and couldn’t attend the screening of Spider-Man Part 3 at the IMAX theater at The Bridge. So he asked if I would go, and turn in this review for him. I wasn’t anxious about missing American Idol tonight (I’m a die-hard “Blake Lady”!) but Neill promised he’d videotape it and, since he’s ensconced securely on the living room couch (Mr. Pilkington, my stuffed giraffe, wasn’t too happy about being relegated to the ottoman, I can tell you that!) he also said he’d “pause out” the commercials. Trade off accepted, Neill Mampleford Cumpston (he hates when I use his middle name)! Well, let me be the first (apparently, being “first” is a big deal on this internet web dealie-do) to tell you that Spider Man Part Three is one of the best movies I’ve ever seen! And I’ve seen my share, everything from Funny About Love to Parenthood! And this Spider-fellow’s got them beat! One of my favorite shows is One Tree Hill (call me young at heart!). Well, this new movie is like three episodes of One Tree Hill put together! Unlike those first Spider-Man movies (which would sometimes play on TV at the senior center right before our Movement to Music class) this one isn’t full of yelling and punching and running fast. In this one, the director finally focuses on the kinds of things I think Spider-Man fans have been aching for…namely, love and forgiveness! (Coincidentally, the names of my belated tabbys!) There’s only about twenty-five minutes of actual Spidey footage in this movie – which makes all kinds of room for: That darling Mary Jane singing (two songs!) Peter Parker crying Harry Osbourne crying Harry Osbourne hearing Willem Dafoe’s voice through a huge painting of Willem Dafoe, and then getting yelled at by Willem Dafoe This old servant of Harry’s suddenly walking into frame during the third act and explaining a lot of stuff that frankly I was confused about – it didn’t even bother me that I didn’t know who the old servant was – I love it when old people explain things slowly and carefully in movies Harry Osbourne and Mary Jane cooking an omelet and dancing to Chubby Checker’s “The Twist” (my favorite part) The Sandman crying Eddie Brock crying Mary Jane crying Aunt May crying Bruce Campbell, from the Evil Dead films, doing a hilarious French accent! The scene goes on for nine minutes, but you could tell the audience wanted it to go on sooooooo much longer, the way they sighed heavily and rolled their eyes when it was over! It’s not as funny as the French accent my late husband, Niles, used to do at charade nights, but it came pretty darn close! Peter Parker doing a sly “revenge jazz dance” in front of Mary Jane when she’s trying to sing at one of those modern jazz clubs that Spider-Man fans love so much. This scene also ended way too soon, to make room for some fighting. And yes, I might as well tell you, there ARE a few action scenes that get in the way of all the interesting stuff between the characters and their relationships and their ordinary, every-day lives. First, there’s a fight between Peter Parker and Harry Osbourne (he’s something called the New Goblin, and he rides one of those fun-looking skateboards like in the Back to the Future sequels) that kicks off the movie. It’s far and away the most exciting sequence in the movie (the audience applauded!) and Peter doesn’t even put that silly Spider-man costume on, so we get to see his wonderful facial expressions and mouth-acting. There’s also a new villain played by the wonderful Thomas Haden Church – The Sandman. He’s a shape-shifting baddie who’s daughter is dying so, even though he gets put through some pretty crazy action sequences, there’s plenty of opportunities for him to look sad and cry about things. I wish they’d worked in a line where he’s crying, and says, “I’ve got sand in my eye.” Maybe on the DVD. What’s smart about putting the Spider-man/New Goblin sequence first is that none of the other action sequences are as exciting, so you can relax and enjoy Peter and Mary Jane’s kooky, mixed-up relationship! There’s a lot of wonderful scenes of them misunderstanding each other, and not explaining one obvious and simple thing, which would clear up their problems (and, let’s face it, make a pretty boring movie!) There’s at least six scenes of them calling each other on the telephone, and one of them almost picking up, or just listening to answering machine messages, and misunderstanding those. I was on the edge of my seat! Of course, you have to sit through a few more dreadful “action” sequences, but luckily they don’t go on very long and, even better, rarely involve people you care about. They introduce this new girl, Gwen Stacy, who’s a model or something. There’s one scene that starts off promising – a comedy scene where she’s doing a modeling job for a copying machine (I mean, the very idea! I was cracking up!) and the photographer is, shall we say, a little “fruity”. Well, all of this great comedy gets ruined when an out-of-control crane starts smashing up the building, and she falls out, and Spider-man swings by and saves her. But she’s only in a few more scenes, and ends up having almost nothing to do with the plot. I wanted to see more of that kooky photographer! Peter’s Aunt May also gets a lot more screen time in this installment, and she’s always giving heartfelt advice. It’s good to see a superhero movie finally giving some consideration to us “silver tops”! In fact, I wish they’d consulted this “silver top” about the Venom character. He’s like an evil, gooey Spider-man, but it didn’t work for me. Which was too bad, since the Venom plot is introduced so brilliantly – Peter and Mary Jane are necking in the woods, and the gooey Venom stuff falls out of the sky, unexplained, next to them. But it gets better – it turns out, Venom is some sort of alien goo that attaches itself to you and makes you super-powerful, and also kind of evil. Our niece, Orudis, used to swallow these charcoal tablets to help her digest food. But it turned out later she was also eating her hair, and at Harriet’s cookie exchange party she coughed up this huge gob of hair and charcoal and that’s what the Venom stuff looks like in the movie. I wonder if, when the Venom stuff attaches itself to you, it makes you draw penises that look like knives the way Orudis did. Although, in this movie, the Venom substance makes Peter evil, which you can tell because he gets one of those “Emo” haircuts and a black suit – not just his Spidey suit, which turns black, but one of those suits you always see Paris Hilton’s boyfriends wearing. And he walks down the street like a black person, and winks at girls a lot. It was like Hannibal Lecter or that Simon Cowell fellow, who should have been nicer to Haley because she was a Christian. I should warn you – the ending is another one of those dreary, hard-on-the-eyes-and-ears battle royals, with Sandman and the gooey black Spider-man (not Peter anymore, but this character named Eddie Brock) battling Spider-man at a construction site. Luckily, it ends the way a good action sequence should end – with one major character dying, and four other characters standing around, crying and apologizing for everything that’s happened. I’m not kidding – I was so touched, and I can’t wait for all the Spidey-fans to experience this beautiful, slowly-paced sequence for themselves. Bring your Spidey-hankies! Also, I was very glad to see the whole plotline about the Sandman and his dying daughter was ignored at the end, as if it never happened. Summertime is for happy stories! A dying little girl belongs in an Oscar movie, am I right? So, to sum up my review, I didn’t think I’d like this movie as much as I did. It will certainly give Georgia Rule and License to Wed a run for their money!
Readers Talkback
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  • May 2, 2007, 4:24 a.m. CST

    First

    by iamjacksleftball

    Please??

  • May 2, 2007, 4:25 a.m. CST

    Now that I have read the review...

    by iamjacksleftball

    Could not be more underwhelmed...Transformers, Simpsons & 28 Weeks Later are the movies I am looking forward to. POTC3, Spidey and Oceans 13 are just setting me up for disappointment.

  • May 2, 2007, 4:27 a.m. CST

    Speechless.

    by Boondock Devil

    I had to have missed it... no cumassrippeddickexplodingchickens references? Huh wha..?!

  • May 2, 2007, 4:27 a.m. CST

    Oh

    by iamjacksleftball

    And is Mrs Cumpston single...she sounds a dish.

  • May 2, 2007, 4:27 a.m. CST

    iamjacksleftball

    by Quintus_Arrius

    You bastard!

  • May 2, 2007, 4:32 a.m. CST

    Oh Dear

    by John-Locke

    :(

  • May 2, 2007, 4:34 a.m. CST

    Just dying to read Harry's review...

    by redtom

    that'll be interesting...

  • May 2, 2007, 4:36 a.m. CST

    Oh no.

    by Gilkuliehe

    By Mrs Cumpston review it sounds like this movie has all I hate from the other ones... Very good stuff Mrs C!

  • May 2, 2007, 4:49 a.m. CST

    Hahaha

    by henrydalton

    Cumpston, I take my hat off to you :)

  • May 2, 2007, 4:50 a.m. CST

    How fake.

    by Blarney-Man

    We all now Moriarty pretends to be Neil Cumpston and this is no different. Yawn.

  • May 2, 2007, 4:50 a.m. CST

    An "electronic e-mail"...?

    by Primus

    Is there any other kind?! Sorry Mrs. C, but thanks for the review!

  • May 2, 2007, 4:52 a.m. CST

    What I find interesting...

    by Sleeping_Angel

    ...Is the way the third movie in a comic book series always seems to spit on the graves of its predecessors. Superman 3, Batman Forever, Blade Trinity, X Men 3. And now seemingly Spiderman 3. Is it just that writers run out of seem by number 3? Or is there some sort of voodoo curse on them all? Of course, in this case it might just be that the man who said he hated venom and wouldn't put him into any spiderman film he made, is taking revenge for being forced into it? side note, I love the way directors talk, sam raimi's anti-venom rant, and bryan singer saying superheroes shouldn't arbitrarily fly. But anyway, anyone out there notice this curse, or you know, made the curse?

  • May 2, 2007, 4:52 a.m. CST

    Waste of time

    by Mister McClane

    reading this review. It's not funny, and its' sarcastic beyond belief. This movie does have faults, I've seen it, but it still stays true to it's source material, and has pretty much everything you want from a blockbuster. Possibly the most un-constructive criticism I've ever read. Waste of time review.

  • May 2, 2007, 4:55 a.m. CST

    Spiderman 3 looks terrible...

    by kwisatzhaderach

    If you don't have a good script you ain't got a good film, no matter how much CG crap you throw at the screen. And whose idea was it to drop ILM? The Sony Imageworks fx work looks dreadful!!!

  • May 2, 2007, 5:02 a.m. CST

    For some reason...

    by Valebant

    I just don't really care to see Spider-Man 3. Of course, it takes a lot to get me to actually go to a movie theatre (do the crazy home movie 70"HD deal instead). If I see three this summer it'll be Pirates, Die Hard and, um... Ratatouille. Oh, and probably Harry Potter with the wife.<p> As for the review, doesn't seem like the author wrote it. Or maybe it was heavily edited with someone else. In any event, 60-somethings refer to gay guys as "sweet" as in: Oh, he's just a little sweet. Or... "light in the loafers," no?

  • May 2, 2007, 5:02 a.m. CST

    How Fake?

    by drew mcweeny

    Blarney-Man, I swear on my son that I do not write Neill Cumpston's reviews for him. Neill is his own man. As soon as he finishes the last 11 hours of his community service.

  • May 2, 2007, 5:04 a.m. CST

    Just to clarify...

    by Valebant

    I don't think Moriarty wrote this review or writes Neill's reviews. Just seemed like this review had adjustments made by another contributor.

  • May 2, 2007, 5:09 a.m. CST

    Pretty funny

    by conniebrean1

    but goes on a bit long. All in all fairly amusing.

  • May 2, 2007, 5:15 a.m. CST

    Nice Review

    by antonphd

    Hehe... it's interesting to read a review from someone who's been a smartass for longer than most of us have been alive. Very entertaining read. A nice breath of fresh air. I enjoyed it. I hope you review another movie someday Mrs. C.

  • May 2, 2007, 5:16 a.m. CST

    That wasn't written by Neill Cumpston

    by Fuck The Napkin

    Read completely differently to usual. I got bored halfway through and gave up.

  • May 2, 2007, 5:17 a.m. CST

    Oh yeah

    by Fuck The Napkin

    I skipped the bit at the start that said it wasn't written by Neill Cumpston too. Duh.

  • May 2, 2007, 5:27 a.m. CST

    And that reviewer is kind

    by La Frog

    Overall I would agree with his negative impression. Got to see the movie today. By far the worse of the three. For me the only good scene was the "birth" of the Sandman, that is quite poetic and feels like a real Sam Raimi scene. For the rest, it feels like everything was rushed. Maguire looks like he doesn't care anymore, while Kirsten is having a bad hair day. The special effects are pretty bad, and the big finale feels like watching cgi marionettes fighting with slime. No suspense, no surprise, no excitement. And worse of all, Gwen Stacy looks like an airhead with as much screen presence as a turnip. If you grew up with Romita's Gwen, forget about this one. Hor-ri-ble!

  • May 2, 2007, 5:47 a.m. CST

    Okay, I believe you Mori.

    by Blarney-Man

    Just have my suspicions.

  • May 2, 2007, 5:49 a.m. CST

    All I know is..

    by Dr.Zeus

    ...whenever I go to see it. I'm closing my eyes when the Power Ranger Goblin shows up. And i'll have my kids tell me when it's over! G@DD@MN, I can't stand the first movie because of that. And I fast forward through the second on dvd when it gets to that part. Pleaseeeee let it be over quickly in the second. :[

  • May 2, 2007, 5:50 a.m. CST

    Should Neill be ensconced securely on the couch...

    by Onomaki Forp

    ...when he's got the bad poops from fish tacos?

  • May 2, 2007, 5:51 a.m. CST

    Not second

    by Dr.Zeus

    I mean THIRD film. (seeee how much that crap affects me? I don't even remember what i'm saying!) heh

  • May 2, 2007, 5:53 a.m. CST

    Finally, an honest review, sort off.

    by harosa

    Thank you.

  • May 2, 2007, 5:57 a.m. CST

    And the sad thing is, this pile of wank

    by redtom

    is going to make an absolute fortune - with great capitalism comes great mediocrity....<p> <p> <p>

  • May 2, 2007, 6:01 a.m. CST

    After all these years...

    by Onomaki Forp

    ...why can't people remember it's NEILL not NEIL??? There's two bloody L's in the man's name...Like a Superman character's initials... two bloody L's. Are ya gonna call his dear little Mum (reminds me of me Gran) Nel? Neill! Neill before Zod! and oh yes, Damn you Wonka!!!

  • May 2, 2007, 6:16 a.m. CST

    THIS is how most people respond to movies

    by Bronx Cheer

    Thank you for opening this window into another world, Nell. You are sweet as a Georgia Peach. I hope little Neill feels better soon. Goodness knows it is not pleasant having a sore bottom. Just remind him to wipe gently, Nell! We don't want him to get a nasty rash or scabs around his rectum!

  • May 2, 2007, 6:20 a.m. CST

    Wow...what a breath of fresh air indeed.

    by Sundaycall1

    I found that review fascinating. It's the first one I've read on this site from a writer that hasn't seen a (comic book/franchise/superhero) movie through the ever tinted eyes of fanboyism. Hearing from someone that isn't exactly shitting a kitten over how Venom looks or the design of the second goblin or how symbiote evil is portrayed on screen is so refreshing and quite frankly represents how 90% of this film's audience may observe the movie. A trivial love interest rival. Over-load of action set pieces. Unresolved plotlines and an malevalent goo with no explanation. I won't see it that way. But it's still a hell of a change from the usual on this site. Bravo.

  • May 2, 2007, 6:23 a.m. CST

    Jokey point-of-view riffs aside, this is probably the

    by CreasyBear

    most damning review Spiderman 3 could get, and the negative points sound legit. I'm sad.

  • May 2, 2007, 6:25 a.m. CST

    Kneel before Zod...

    by Valebant

    I just taught my dog, Zod, to kneel (really just taught him how to flop immediately to the ground, no real knees to kneel with). I should film it and post it to YouTube. Only a couple up of General Zod right now. <p> As to the Spider-Man review, I think it's a good review if a bit sarcastic. Maybe ironic in parts. Of course I wouldn't know if it's irony because I don't know what irony is.<br>And, right, the tone seems off as I said before.

  • May 2, 2007, 6:26 a.m. CST

    Serioulsy who really believed this was his mum?

    by Lemming

    "my late husband, Niles," <P> That should have given it away if nothing else did: Neill, Nell and Niles Cumpston? Please..

  • May 2, 2007, 6:29 a.m. CST

    Lemming, show some respect for the dead!

    by Bronx Cheer

    <p>Nell is obviously still mourning her dear departed Niles. Little Neill is all she has left in the world. God Bless him for staying with her through thick and thin.</p> <p>How anyone could mistake this as anything other than a review written by Neill's mom is beyond me!</p>

  • May 2, 2007, 6:32 a.m. CST

    French accented charades.

    by Haslowexler

    Really?

  • May 2, 2007, 6:35 a.m. CST

    No...I know familys like that...

    by Onomaki Forp

    ...My old friend Sean married a girl named Sharon and named their daughter Sheena... and I met a guy named all seven of his kids with names beginning with "K".

  • May 2, 2007, 6:37 a.m. CST

    "French accented charades"

    by redtom

    yes, that go on for 9 minutes...

  • May 2, 2007, 6:39 a.m. CST

    besides if it were "fake" the niece would be called...

    by Onomaki Forp

    ... "Nellina" or something, instead of the obviously real name Orudis. Penises that look like knives.

  • May 2, 2007, 6:43 a.m. CST

    This hasn't gotten 47 posts yet?

    by Onomaki Forp

    Cumpston's reviews from 2002 got in the top ten faster than that...and that was just a couple of months ago!

  • May 2, 2007, 6:46 a.m. CST

    Forty-third?

    by Valebant

    maybe.

  • May 2, 2007, 6:50 a.m. CST

    You Neil

    by LordEnigma

    I eagerly await your Pixar film. That trailer makes me mistier than Mariah Carrey on sabatical in the Bahamas. Good show. Good bloody show. Nevertheless, this movie, has GEEKATASTROPHY written all over it. So, yeah, lets get ready to fight over this film until Spidey 4 comes out.

  • May 2, 2007, 7:04 a.m. CST

    Give The Cumpstons a break

    by Sleeping_Angel

    real or not, fake persona or not, who cares really. One of the significant things about the internet is the facelessness, if your reviewers have to be 'real', um, I was going to say watch TV, but that doesn't really work. Content is what matters in internet reviews, not people

  • May 2, 2007, 7:11 a.m. CST

    Spider-man 3: Spider-man weeps!

    by iwontwin

    Can we please get a spider-man 4 with venom! PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!

  • May 2, 2007, 7:12 a.m. CST

    I just heard...

    by jedimast3r

    ...that this review sucks my balls. Try harder to be creative.

  • May 2, 2007, 7:16 a.m. CST

    Scathing!

    by DocPazuzu

    That's one of the most painful and (probably) accurate reviews I've ever seen. Every fault in the film is laid bare merely by adopting the only kind of persona who could possibly enjoy said faults for the review. Brilliant move, although the implications for the film are dire indeed. It smacks of the thespian disease known as "I'll do three pics if you give me free reign to cry and emote my ass off in the third one." Oh, and for the folks who would in normal circumstances be nominees for 2007's Twainies -- let's dispense with the awards and simply apply mallets to the backs of your heads. Hard.

  • May 2, 2007, 7:22 a.m. CST

    The sad thing is....

    by photoboy

    Even a fake review like this actually manages to sound less fake than the planted Transformers review from the other day.<br><br>Still it doesn't matter having fake reviews for Spidey 3, as it doesn't need fake reviews to tell us it will be pretty damn good, Raimi's too talented to fuck things up. Bay on the other hand had fucked Transformers before the cameras had even rolled with his horrific design choices and shit script.

  • May 2, 2007, 7:22 a.m. CST

    Hilarious, but worrying.

    by raw_bean

    I hope it isn't as bad as this paints it. :-(

  • May 2, 2007, 7:24 a.m. CST

    Marietta J Marmoset loved this review

    by Franklin T Marmoset

    That's my mother, of course, who found it refreshing to read an Ain't It Cool review that wasn't littered with foul language and sexual references. No one even got kicked in the cunt!<p>Anyway, thanks for the write-up, Mrs Cumpston. Have a safe drive home.

  • May 2, 2007, 7:24 a.m. CST

    I'm having a hard time

    by pubcrawler13

    I'm having a hard time believing the number of TB'ers who don't seem to understand the premise of this review. I really hate to have to break it to you, but *you're not really supposed to believe that it's Cumpston's mom writing the review.* To wit: *it's supposed to be glaringly obvious that Cumpston wrote this as "his mom."* The mind boggles sometimes.

  • May 2, 2007, 7:28 a.m. CST

    And yet, pubcrawler13

    by Franklin T Marmoset

    Did Cumpston write the review? Or did someone posing as Cumpston pose as Cumpston's mother?<p>It's a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in an old copy of Chunky Asses magazine, I tells ya!<p>P.S. Don't tell Mrs Marmoset that this review might not be on the up-and-up. She's thinking of inviting Mrs Cumpston to join her book club.

  • May 2, 2007, 7:30 a.m. CST

    Haven't read the other posts, but HIRE HER

    by Fecal Debris

    to write reviews on a regular basis. That's a good, cohesive review, and she's got just enough in there to let us know she's an objective "outsider." For example, she brings up the new villains in the movie as if we had no idea who they were or what they were gonna be about. I LOVE how she runs down the list of everyone who cries in the movie. Kinda sad to read that out of 139 minutes, only about 30 are devoted to Spidey.

  • May 2, 2007, 7:33 a.m. CST

    Fish tacos

    by Fecal Debris

    That's just wrong. Everyone knows you don't eat a fish taco unless it's between Angelina Jolie's legs or someone like her. Kathy Bates, perhaps.

  • May 2, 2007, 7:33 a.m. CST

    A Star is Born

    by Moonwatcher

    Hilarious review. Sign this one up, Harry - she's got a future.

  • May 2, 2007, 7:33 a.m. CST

    PLANT!

    by Motoko Kusanagi

    now you can hit me

  • May 2, 2007, 7:35 a.m. CST

    I just got off the phone with Brad Pitt & Billy Bob...

    by Onomaki Forp

    ...and they confirm Angelina Jolie will give you the bad poops!!!

  • May 2, 2007, 7:35 a.m. CST

    I bet Old Nell also

    by redtom

    *adored* the whole "I... forgive.. you" bit too, didn't she?<p< <p> <p> <p>

  • May 2, 2007, 7:35 a.m. CST

    Toby was on Regis & Kelly yesterday

    by Fecal Debris

    They showed the "runaway crane" sequence, and it looked pretty good. Yeah, kinda video-gamish, but almost as good as the action we've come to expect (like the train fight with Doc Oc). Kirsten Dunst is on Regis today. Maybe she and Kelly will start rolling on the floor and making out. You know, fish tacos for breakfast.

  • May 2, 2007, 7:36 a.m. CST

    I can't believe I sunk so low...

    by Onomaki Forp

    ...as to do a "just got off the phone", besides if we're talking about eating Angelina's fish tacos you just get off. No phone required.

  • May 2, 2007, 7:39 a.m. CST

    Speaking of fish tacos...

    by Onomaki Forp

    ...just what kind of hair was Orudis eating?

  • May 2, 2007, 7:40 a.m. CST

    Indeed, Franklin....

    by pubcrawler13

    A mystery best left unsolved, methinks. Besides, that month's Chunky Asses wasn't that good... they can keep it.

  • May 2, 2007, 7:40 a.m. CST

    from the talkback, it seems the reviewer didn't like it

    by HypeEndsHere

    i wouldn't know from the review as i couldn't get through it. stop with the "funny" non-sequiturs. i get it. you're trying to make it sound like a middle-aged woman. cool. this isn't an (intentional) comedy site.

  • May 2, 2007, 7:41 a.m. CST

    THIS REVIEWER IS A PLANT AND I HAVE PROOF!!!

    by Err

    I did a background check and it turns out that he works for the movie company that is helping to release Georgia Rule. The shame!

  • May 2, 2007, 7:42 a.m. CST

    greatness

    by AllieJamison

    I just read the Intro but my daily dose of entertainment is already assured. Fantastic.

  • May 2, 2007, 7:43 a.m. CST

    fish taco bates = FTB donations needed

    by just pillow talk

    C'mon people, we're making real head way here. Kathy needs to be fed!

  • May 2, 2007, 7:44 a.m. CST

    Do I detect a whiff of sarcasm?

    by sevadro

    Damn woman! I knew Spidey 3 was going to suck balls, but Mama just confirmed my worst fears!

  • May 2, 2007, 7:45 a.m. CST

    Apparently, HypeEndsHere...

    by pubcrawler13

    ...you're unfamiliar with the brilliance that is personified by Neill Cumpston. His reviews have been a staple of this site for a long time, and this is no exception. Speaking of which, has anyone commented previously on the similarities between Cumpston's writing and Maddox's stuff?

  • May 2, 2007, 7:46 a.m. CST

    pubcrawler

    by Onomaki Forp

    This is really written by Neill's Mum...Neill would NEVER reveal his middle name as Mampleford.

  • May 2, 2007, 7:48 a.m. CST

    are you kidding?

    by pubcrawler13

    If my middle name was Mampleford, I'd be the happiest motherfucker on the planet.

  • May 2, 2007, 7:50 a.m. CST

    haven't read it yet but...

    by Deus Vult

    Neill's LOTR:ROTK review is STILL one of the funniest things I've ever read in my life. <p>now please excuse me whilst I take this in...

  • May 2, 2007, 7:55 a.m. CST

    No I see where Neil...

    by Kid Z

    ...inherited his twistedness from! You rule, Mrs. C!

  • May 2, 2007, 7:58 a.m. CST

    Wait, is Neill's father dead or alive?

    by chrth

    Moriarty has met them, but in the review she calls Niles her 'late husband'. Remarriage?

  • May 2, 2007, 8:01 a.m. CST

    Hello Deus...

    by Onomaki Forp

    ...are you ready to join us in the collective? *homer simpson stage whispers* (DON'T TELL ANYONE BUT I'M REALLY PROF.IKAMONO! I'M BEING ALL SUBTLE AND CRAFTY JUST LIKE BRININGSEXYCOWBOWBOYSBROKEBACK!)

  • May 2, 2007, 8:02 a.m. CST

    F* the napkin and pubcrawler are both right

    by Deus Vult

    1. F* the napkin: completely boring and uninteresting review. pales in comparison to neill's grandslams in the past. not sure what he was trying to achieve but wow it didn't work.<p>2. Pubcrawler: many talkbackers don't get that neill is a bit of an oddball for the site. his previous reviews are all over the place. I applaud him for his attempts at humor but to call this a plant is just silly. really silly. I mean NELL is supposed to watch modern television programs. come on.

  • May 2, 2007, 8:03 a.m. CST

    go away professor

    by Deus Vult

    I don't like you or your crew of weirdos.<p>In other news you spidey3 whiners should be happy you're even getting a spiderman movie at all. I know EVERYONE on AICN hates that mentality but the movies are a dream come true for me.

  • May 2, 2007, 8:05 a.m. CST

    No chrth, she means that Niles...

    by Onomaki Forp

    ...like many seniors tends to get a wee absent-minded and doesn't always make it on time to various appointments. Thus he's "late" to dinner, to the show, to the toilet...

  • May 2, 2007, 8:13 a.m. CST

    "crew of weirdos"?

    by Onomaki Forp

    Father Merrin put it best..."There is only one".

  • May 2, 2007, 8:21 a.m. CST

    I don't care who wrote it ... great review!

    by Silver_Joo

    Thanks, Moriarty and Neill's mom/Neill. That's the review a film like this deserves, way to burst the bloat on this site.

  • May 2, 2007, 8:22 a.m. CST

    does your crew get t-shirts?

    by just pillow talk

    what about benefits?

  • May 2, 2007, 8:27 a.m. CST

    I got a t-shirt for being DocPazuzu's bitch once...

    by Onomaki Forp

    ...just like Sammy Davis Junior, Jr. in that "Everybody's Illuminati" movie starring Fredo from Hobbit Man: The King Returns.

  • May 2, 2007, 8:31 a.m. CST

    So mechanical web shooters are farfetched

    by Macktheknife01

    apparently super ooze falling from the sky to land next to the only superhero in the world isn't. And don't argue clearly in the films no one has ever heard of super hero before as everyone is totally baffled by spidey. this movie sounds like batman returns, which also sucked

  • May 2, 2007, 8:34 a.m. CST

    Dr. Strange exists in the Spidey films...

    by Onomaki Forp

    ...J.J.J. said the name was taken, when they were thinking up what to call Octavius.

  • May 2, 2007, 8:38 a.m. CST

    I actually remember that TB Prof I.

    by just pillow talk

    If I remember correctly, a t-shirt was supposed to be mailed to me. Ah well. And Speed, you are so wrong dude. I'm not sure what you expect from a comic book movie, cause they are not done better than Sammy's.

  • May 2, 2007, 8:39 a.m. CST

    Yawn

    by kilik777

    One of the weakest fucking reviews ive ever read. I didnt even start to crack a smile. http://tinyurl.com/pv8do

  • May 2, 2007, 8:41 a.m. CST

    There's something bizarrely brilliant about this review

    by ExcaliburFfolkes

    The concept seems really stupid at first, yet it ends up being perfect somehow by the time you finish reading it. Kudos, Neill.

  • May 2, 2007, 8:43 a.m. CST

    So what 60 year old uses the term "Emo"?

    by skycrapper

    This is a new low Mr. Cumpston. Posing as your Sainted Mother, for shame. God will punish you for that.

  • May 2, 2007, 8:44 a.m. CST

    I will punish his mother for that

    by Fecal Debris

    In a loving way, of course

  • May 2, 2007, 8:50 a.m. CST

    "mouth acting"

    by kafka07

    What is this, gay porn?

  • May 2, 2007, 8:51 a.m. CST

    Fish Tacos or "Fish Tacos"

    by Grammaton Cleric Binks

    Nuff Said except this review sucks.

  • May 2, 2007, 9:01 a.m. CST

    Movement to Music class...

    by Onomaki Forp

    ...bad poops...

  • May 2, 2007, 9:12 a.m. CST

    cookie exchange party...

    by Onomaki Forp

    ...oddly enough, spitting up hairballs is not all that unusual whilst exchanging cookies...

  • May 2, 2007, 9:13 a.m. CST

    NELL IS THIS YEAR'S LITTLE MISS LAME-O MCCHEESE!!!

    by Err

    Her review is blah. Maybe you should send a monkey to the theater since it could've written a better article.

  • May 2, 2007, 9:20 a.m. CST

    kwisatzhaderach - ILM

    by gengrievous82

    ILM was never involved with the Spiderman movies. John Dykstra was involved with the first two movies and used to work at ILM, but that's as close as the Spiderman movies and ILM get. Sony Imageworks has been doing the VFX for these films from the very start.

  • May 2, 2007, 9:23 a.m. CST

    What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?

    by Fecal Debris

    Fur traders. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

  • May 2, 2007, 9:32 a.m. CST

    i was going to say fish taco

    by just pillow talk

    but I guess fur traders works...

  • May 2, 2007, 9:42 a.m. CST

    I think I know what I'm gonna have for lunch today...

    by Onomaki Forp

    ...I'll have to make sure I share 'em with my cat!

  • May 2, 2007, 9:43 a.m. CST

    We need a "Mom" review for all the big releases.

    by filmicdrummer17

    That was great. Even if it was fake. Which I doubt.

  • May 2, 2007, 9:46 a.m. CST

    Feeling hungry?

    by Fecal Debris

    Nothing satisfies like a salmon burrito. Meow, meow, meow, meow...

  • May 2, 2007, 9:48 a.m. CST

    WHY IS IT...

    by Err

    that Spider-Man's costume always gets damaged but no other hero's do? Not Batman, Superman, Fantastic Four, Ghost Rider, Daredevil, etc. (Hulk doesn't count because his shorts are magic shorts that somehow manage to always cover his Hulk junk.)

  • May 2, 2007, 9:49 a.m. CST

    The part of Nell will be played by SHIA LABEOUF!

    by Err

    Seriously, it looks like Shia wrote the article.

  • May 2, 2007, 9:51 a.m. CST

    Shark burrito...

    by Onomaki Forp

    ...if we're still talking Angelina Jolie...

  • May 2, 2007, 9:52 a.m. CST

    I read this review.

    by mrfan

    Then I cried a little. Then I did some action stuff, which really doesn't matter. Then I cried some more. That is the important thing. Crying. Excuse me. I just ran out of tissues.

  • May 2, 2007, 9:52 a.m. CST

    Power Man's shirts...

    by Onomaki Forp

    ...always gets ripped to shreds...Oh is he just called Cage nowadays? Oops, just revealed my own silver age.

  • May 2, 2007, 9:53 a.m. CST

    Onomaki...

    by Err

    I mean in the films.

  • May 2, 2007, 9:53 a.m. CST

    Err (regarding damage to costumes)

    by Fecal Debris

    I think Superman's costume was ripped / damaged in "Returns" when Lex stabbed him with the kryto-blade. I assume it also retained moisture when he fell in the water. I dunno enough about the Superman mythos to say whether his costume, which was made from the blankets his father sent with him to earth, has "magical" powers of resistance to wear-n-tear. As for Batman, his suits have always appeared to be latex or rubber-based. It's gonna take a lot to tear through it. Hell, in "Begins" we learn that he's wearing a damn bulletproof kevlar vest. Again, it would take a lot to penetrate that shit. Spidey, on the other hand, is an earthboy who made his own costume from what I'm presuming was fabric found on earth and not possessed of any magical powers. And unlike Supes or Bats, Spidey does a lot more hand-to-hand combat.

  • May 2, 2007, 9:55 a.m. CST

    Full spoiler already at

    by Grammaton Cleric Binks

    http://www.themoviespoiler.com/Spoilers/spiderman3.html

  • May 2, 2007, 9:56 a.m. CST

    electronic email?

    by PwnedByStallone

    that's redundant, then agian he probably meant it to be. Hate to tell you this guys but except for a couple of cool action scenes, the spider-man movies pretty much suck. and this review reminds me why. they're full of bad actors agrandizing shallow juxtaposition. put me to fucking sleep. and i can't even look at snaggledunst. UGLY as sin. but at least peter get's an evil fat gilfriend i nthis one. zzzzzzzzzz....

  • May 2, 2007, 9:59 a.m. CST

    Fecal...

    by Err

    I want to see some torn capes, some damaged cowls, some ripped cloth...some...something!

  • May 2, 2007, 10 a.m. CST

    They should make a Power Man film...

    by Onomaki Forp

    ...set it in the seventies...and shoot it classic blaxploitation stlye...get Ivan Dixon to come back and direct it...or maybe Jamaa Fanaka...

  • May 2, 2007, 10:04 a.m. CST

    Neill Cumpston Anagram = CON MEN LIP SLUT

    by talkbackgeek

    thats right, and we all know who the Lip Slut is on AICN. The jigs up. So dark the con of man, so dark indeed.

  • May 2, 2007, 10:08 a.m. CST

    Lip Slut?

    by Onomaki Forp

    ...does that have anything to do with mouth acting...

  • May 2, 2007, 10:13 a.m. CST

    Cumpston, I couln't agree more!!!!

    by biggles2_22

    I saw this last week, turned to the Sony rep, and in unison we said, "Did that suck as much as I thought it did?!" My favorite parts (outside of the ones you listed): 1) The old butler who f-ing makes up plot points from S1. 2) Peter Parkers "Peter Petrelli" haircut when he goes dark. 3) Dark-Peters "Thrust dance" as he walks through every f-ing door! I'm not making that up. 4) Gwen Stacey's FAT ASS! 5)The black goo LEFT with Pete's professor (forgot about that didn't ya?!) 6) The total copy of Jim Carrey's Mask performance, at the night club. 7) Kirsten Dunsts snaggle-teeth. 8) The fact that one of my favorite directors and home-town boys oversaw this complete mess. There, it's off my chest.

  • May 2, 2007, 10:14 a.m. CST

    Mori...

    by Zarles

    Right after tomorrow's midnight showing, I'll come back and read this. Oh, and tell Nell I want my underwear back. I think I left it on her lamp.

  • May 2, 2007, 10:17 a.m. CST

    Spider Man 2 F-ing Owned!

    by biggles2_22

    Almost a perfect movie in every way. Sorry that 3 turns out this way.

  • May 2, 2007, 10:34 a.m. CST

    The Gwen I know...

    by lettersoftransit

    ...was not a model and, in fact, didn't seem to realize how incerdibly beautiful she was. Possbily the sweetest character ever in a comic and the core of the most soapy storylines when I was reading them as a youngling. Only realizes recently that two of the great heartstopping women in my life, whom I have been told too many times look like each other, both look, in fact, a little too much like Gwen Stacey. I was afraid I might need therapy after seeing this movie, but the fact she's a model somehow takes the edge off. Anyway, two posts about this film in two different revierws is too much. I am seriously using this site to avoid working and must do so no longer...

  • May 2, 2007, 10:36 a.m. CST

    Moriarty, that was bliss.

    by Archive

    What would have to transpire to get Vern's Mom to start reviewing direct-to-DVD sequels to Paul Verhoeven movies? Please tell me.

  • May 2, 2007, 10:42 a.m. CST

    Damned good review. made a

    by fireclown

    Damned good review. made a strong, strong point. Alas, they didn't do the movie as we all wanted it done. Ten minutes of dialog, a few shots of Dunst in a wet tshirt, and 85 minutes of fraking symbiote madness.

  • May 2, 2007, 10:42 a.m. CST

    Take that MiraJeff

    by sevenrivera

    Even old ladies submitting their first review can make it to the left side column!

  • May 2, 2007, 10:43 a.m. CST

    Grammaton

    by KingArcane

    Good lord! That was one of the worst written things I've ever read.

  • May 2, 2007, 10:45 a.m. CST

    Aww, Patton Doesn't Like It?

    by samuraisix

    I was hoping for some hyperbole of kickassitude that would pay off...Sadness. What happened to SKYJUTSU?!!

  • May 2, 2007, 10:52 a.m. CST

    Wait a minute...

    by Onomaki Forp

    ...what did Mother Cumpston mean exactly by "walks like a black man"? Don't be getting Don Imus on us! I guess she just meant that Peter had some kind of "growth-spurt", added a few more inches to his personality as it were...made him into a bad muthufu-SHUT YO MOUTH!!! Just talkin' about Spidey... Well, it's lunch-time, gotta gets me to my local taqueria.

  • May 2, 2007, 10:53 a.m. CST

    "wonderful facial expressions and mouth-acting"

    by minh

    Sounds like a porno I saw last night...

  • May 2, 2007, 10:53 a.m. CST

    Laugh

    by sevenrivera

    "And he walks down the street like a black person, and winks at girls a lot."

  • May 2, 2007, 10:53 a.m. CST

    GAY

    by El Borak

    stupid gay review.

  • May 2, 2007, 10:59 a.m. CST

    Andy Kaufman's --

    by VaderSabre

    laughing at this -- and crying that he can't share the humor with all his friends 'cause they think he's dead.

  • May 2, 2007, 11:02 a.m. CST

    Wow....just.....wow...

    by Fridge

    I think part of my brain just died; dont tell me Neil's losing it already.

  • May 2, 2007, 11:14 a.m. CST

    lettersoftransit, don't worry

    by Fecal Debris

    She's not a "supermodel" or stuck on herself. She's modeling for a copy machine company, for christ's sake. It'll be okay. Plus (SPOILER), she's humble enough to see through emo-Peter's charade and knows she's being used to make MJ jealous, and she gets miffed at Peter for it AND says she's sorry to MJ. So it appears she'll be grounded enough.

  • May 2, 2007, 11:15 a.m. CST

    SleepingAngel, about third films....

    by amrisharmpit

    It's not just for superhero franchises. How about Alien 3? Lethal Weapon 3? Jaws 3? Karate Kid 3? Return of the Jedi? There are exceptions like LOTR, but I think it can be hard to do a good third film in ANY series. The reason is that most of the creativity, excitement, and passion went into the first two films. By the third film, it's difficult to come up with something fresh and interesting that the audience has not already seen.

  • May 2, 2007, 11:17 a.m. CST

    Best use of sarcasm...

    by mbeemer

    ... since Stephen Colbert's White House Correspondent's Dinner speach.<p><p> Well done, sah! Well done.

  • May 2, 2007, 11:27 a.m. CST

    You know what's wrong with the Spider-man Franchise?

    by Jakes Nel

    Green Goddamn Goblin! Three films and we're still not rid of him. What the fuck?! Word of advice for Spidey 4: Dump the Power Ranger!

  • May 2, 2007, 11:27 a.m. CST

    Gwen Stacey's fat ass...

    by biggles2_22

    ...will be the focus of the NEXT Spidey sequal. Man, thems some child bearing hips, right there.

  • May 2, 2007, 11:35 a.m. CST

    Why are we not rid of Green Goblin?

    by Err

    Hmmmm....why is Superman in all 5 films not rid of Lex Luthor? Why in the comic books, despite Norman Osborn "dying" was Spider-Man not rid of the Green Goblin? Why in the Animated Series, despite Norman Osborn "dying" was Spider-Man not rid of the Green Goblin?----Because the Green Goblin is to Spider-Man what the Joker is to Batman and what Luthor is to Superman.

  • May 2, 2007, 11:36 a.m. CST

    Was at Imageworks a few weeks ago doing comp repairs

    by Doc_Strange

    I saw a few sequences from the film, mostly the Harry/Peter fight and a couple of swinging Spiderman shots. I have to say a lot of the keyframe animation that Imageworks uses is way off, so much that it stands out and looks fake. This is the same problem that has plagued the other 2 films, such as the fight between Spidey and Ock when they fight on the train. The action moves much too quickly for it to be even remotely realistic and comes off looking like a video game. Yep, they used the same animators this time around and it shows. I thought this was supposed to be a 250 million dollar film so why does such an expensive movie have such a second rate animation unit? Someone asked why they ditched ILM, the fact of the matter is Sony has used it's inhouse FX team for all three movies and never once used ILM like they should have. Seriously, they need to fire their keyframe animators and try doing some mocap for christ sakes.

  • May 2, 2007, 11:37 a.m. CST

    Friday The 13Th: Part 3 (3D)?

    by Mr. Profit

    Just kidding, eventhough I do love the Friday films. Anyhow a good "Part 3" is The Prisoner of Azkaban. That was the first Harry Potter movie that I actually enjoyed since it was darker, and looked nice.

  • May 2, 2007, 11:40 a.m. CST

    biggles2-22

    by Fecal Debris

    Funny you should bring up her child-bearing hips. She was pregnant at the time and didn't know it yet (not that being pregnant will give you a wider pelvis). Who cares? I'll bet she knows how to ride it. Hey, is the Transformer TB officially dead? No one's been allowed to post since yesterday afternoon....

  • May 2, 2007, 11:42 a.m. CST

    Friday the 13th Part III kicked ass

    by Fecal Debris

    That's when he got his hockey mask, from a fat kid that he shoots in the face with a spear gun. You're telling me that's not a hundred kinds of awesome?

  • May 2, 2007, 11:42 a.m. CST

    Good Part 3 films...

    by Err

    Revenge of the Sith was way better than Phantom Menace or Attack of the Clones. Harry Potter 3 was better than the prior 2.

  • May 2, 2007, 11:42 a.m. CST

    In all seriousness...

    by Mr. Profit

    The reason it cost 300 million is bad directing. You have all of these brilliant directors that can make an action movie with a good budget, then you have people who spend for no damn reason. There is no reason Spidey 3 cost so much. The same thing goes Superman Returns ot Terminator 3. You sit and ask where the fuck did all of that money go? <p>I had no desire to see Spidey 3 (Because I learned my lesson with one and two) and this review just confirms it. I'm tired of fanboys dickriding something just because they put in a few wink wink nudge nudge jokes for them, or because the director is an overrated genre director past his "Prime".</P>

  • May 2, 2007, 11:46 a.m. CST

    The fat kid in F13:3D...

    by Mr. Profit

    Shelly did not die from the spear gun. He was found by that pot head bitch in the kitchen later on when she was making popcorn. He wandered in the house with his throat slashed and she thought it was another one of his practical jokes. Vera, the Latina chick who got ragged in the town store by the fake Pam Grier, and got clowned by the cashier (who told her "We don't accept no food stamps!") was the one who got the spear to the eye.

  • May 2, 2007, 11:47 a.m. CST

    Tobey Maguire...

    by bluejarzen

    has ruined spider-man/peter parker for me. That and two movies filled with Raimi's wretched dialogue. I wanted to love the first two but instead they're only worth watching for the spidey fighting/swinging scenes which just make me long for a better movie even more. 2 misfires and a guaranteed third, wonderful. Maybe spidey 4 will have a refresh on the cast and we'll get a spider-man whose quips dont sound like they fell out of a bored half-wit's mouth. I cant stand that mushmouthed motherfucker and hope like hell someone can step in and give Spidey the silver screen treatment he deserves. They screwed the Gwen storyline all to hell, really messed up doc ock, gave us a power ranger goblin, used the phrases "oh boy" and "whoo hoo" 80 fucking times, turned peter parker from a sympathetic but fun character into a pathetic douchey miserable dunce, and it sounds like the really fucked up venom. That and Sandman killed uncle ben. Make it stop. Please. I'll still go see it friday.

  • May 2, 2007, 11:51 a.m. CST

    Tobey is the new TASG...

    by Mr. Profit

    Because he always makes a face as if he is constipated or has to take a mean shit. How his acting is considered good is beyond me. And I always feel like punching that bitch in the mouth when he talks. Not being a hater, but there are plenty of people who could have played a better Peter Parker. Also Kirsten Dunst is really ugly. Her tits are already sagging and her teeth are busted. Isn't one of the luxuries of being famous is the ability to fix anything wrong about your physical appearance? She needs a breast lift and some veneers stat...

  • May 2, 2007, 11:53 a.m. CST

    Re: "Raimi's wretched dialogue"

    by Lando Griffin

    So Raimi wrote all three films? News to the rest of us

  • May 2, 2007, 11:55 a.m. CST

    bluejarzen, I feel for you, I really do

    by Fecal Debris

    Having been a comic collector, I was familiar with the "true" storylines and characters. But hey, it's a hollywood big money adaptation. What are ya gonna do? The Bryce Howard character coulda been named anything else but Gwen Stacey, and the effect would have been the same, but since at one point she's competing with MJ for Peter, why not have it be "Gwen?" As for Sandy shooting uncle Ben, I think they needed an "angle" for his character, otherwise he's just a two-bit crook who can do neat tricks. There would not have been a "hook" to his storyline, like with Goblin being Harry's dad, or Doc Oc being Peter's mentor. <p> However, from what I've read, it DOES appear that they shortchanged Venom--possibly because Raimi only put him in at all to placate Arad. As for power ranger Goblin, there was no excuse for that. The costume shoulda just been some medieval cloak Osbourne had in his collection, like the masks. And honestly, Willem Dafoe needn't have worn a mask. I thought his "mirror" portrayal of the schizo Norman / Goblin was very good, and he coulda just made a mean face when in "Goblin" mode. Go back and watch it again. He's not green, but that expression on his face is pretty creepy. Like at the end of S2 when he yells at Harry, AVENGE ME!!! Oh well, too late, they fucked that.

  • May 2, 2007, 11:57 a.m. CST

    Mr. Profit, I agree

    by Fecal Debris

    In Spidey 1 during the rainy fight in the dark alley, Kirsten's breastseseses looked very nice. But in Spidey 2 they looked a little sloppy. Especially the scene when Doc Oc launches the car through the window, and MJ stands up in that awful brown dress. I'll bet Bryce has nice breastseses

  • May 2, 2007, 12:02 p.m. CST

    In Spidey 2

    by Mr. Profit

    I was like "Jesus Mary Jane has sloppy old lady tits!" Sure I should have been paying attention to the movie, but that exact scene with the car slamming through the window showed how fucking busted Kirsten had become in real life. Her teeth are fucked up and she just looked like an addict or something. I think the last time she looked "cute" was in "Bring In On". There are so many chicks who could have been a better Mary Jane. Too bad my go to girl Rachel McAdams wasn't as famous as she is now back then. She would have been better.

  • May 2, 2007, 12:08 p.m. CST

    Fecal Debris, who cares?????!!!!!!!!!

    by biggles2_22

    You cast Gwen Stacey as someone who is supposed to be unbelievably hot, and she shows up on set knocked-up?! I swear I didn't know she was preggers when I watched the movie. Sorry, as much as I'm for working through maternity, if your role demands you be friggen hot, step aside and let Katherine Heigl take over and go do her Knocked-Up movie. It was pretty obvious they were hiding something massive under her clothes during the flick and really took away from the viewing pleasure. I ask, nay DEMAND, a taught ass on all my actresses, especially when they're portraying student/models.

  • May 2, 2007, 12:10 p.m. CST

    More melodrama

    by AlwaysThere

    Way to ruin it.

  • May 2, 2007, 12:14 p.m. CST

    biggles2_22

    by Mr. Profit

    Too bad Elisha Cuthbert was too busy being exploited and tortured on highway billboards to play a decent looking Gwen Stacy. I still think about how hot her ass looked in Old School when she got up off the bed.

  • May 2, 2007, 12:15 p.m. CST

    oh, man...

    by JacksonsPole

    that was the funniest thing i've ever read. 'bad case of the poops'?! 'three episodes of one tree hill'!? 'wild hogs was a stich'?! 'mr. pinkerton wasn't happy about being relegated to the ottoman'!!? i couldn't even read the review. i was laughing too hard. if that wasn't a joke, it was still hilarious!

  • May 2, 2007, 12:22 p.m. CST

    This review boils down to one small sentence...

    by The Pusher

    Neill got bad poops.

  • May 2, 2007, 12:25 p.m. CST

    NO X-MEN 4??!!!!!

    by Err

    http://movies.yahoo.com /mv/news/fs/20070502/ 117813423500.html

  • May 2, 2007, 12:25 p.m. CST

    Dasher...

    by Shaner Jedi

    ...IMHO ROTK was not an exception.

  • May 2, 2007, 12:29 p.m. CST

    Sounds just like a "Mr. Smiley" review by Mr. Cranky

    by Moa Kaka

    Every Halloween, Mr. Cranky writes as "Mr. Smiley" - a flower-sniffing yellow happy face who likes all the worst things about a movie (ex: he likes predictable plot points, because there won't be any scary surprises). A lot funnier than Neill's review, but this one had its moments.

  • May 2, 2007, 12:31 p.m. CST

    Neill Cumpston = internet Normon Bates

    by Mike_D

    Likes to pretend hes his mommy when reviewing.

  • May 2, 2007, 12:39 p.m. CST

    God bless the Cumpstons...

    by Roguewriter

    Now I'll have no qualms whatsoever about skipping this one, which looks so badly Schumacher'ed it's pitiful.

  • May 2, 2007, 12:39 p.m. CST

    Mmmm Rubio's....

    by Hairy Nutsack

    I totally get this review. Obviously Neill felt the movie was too heavy on the relationship crap and therefore it would appeal to his mother more than him. I was really hoping for another ROTK type review though, maybe the funniest thing I've ever read in my entire life.

  • May 2, 2007, 12:45 p.m. CST

    I'd hit

    by Stuntcock Mike

    Kathy Bate's sweet swirling rosete. As for Kirsten Dunce, a round of skull woud do the trick, but dear Christ, don't look up.

  • May 2, 2007, 12:59 p.m. CST

    My prob with Spidey 2

    by Fecal Debris

    biggles 2_22 Okay I agree, they should measure those hips, and if you're not proportioned, you're on the fucking bus out of there. Case in point, BSB's Alba pics. I was merely stating that I didn't mind Bryce, and I don't mind the way she looks at all, and I would DO STUFF.<p> I love Spidey 2, but I always wondered--and now you will, too--just what the hell was Doc Oc planning to do with that giant fusion reaction at the end of the movie? Earlier, he opined that it meant "cheap, renewable energy" for the whole world. Um, okay, but after his accident, he was evil. Why'd he bother creating a new one? Plus, like the first fusion reaction, the second developed a "containment breach" almost right away. You'd think he'd own up to his "miscalculation" at that point. What was his plan? To sell the energy like any other power company? "Bwahaha, I've made cheap renewable energy, but I'll sell it like any other kind of energy!! Bwahahahaa! I've made a giant fireball! Bwahahahaha!"

  • May 2, 2007, 1:02 p.m. CST

    How is this a review?

    by W3bzpinn3r

    It was a sham. I don't know any middle aged women, or any woman for that matter, that would type something as stupid, and worthless as that. This was a (lacking) entertainment piece only and in no way a real review.<p> What next? Harry's review will be an audio one, with Harry giving his review while sitting on the shitter after eating Hugh Grant's baked beans? I mean c'mon, I know this site can't compete with the real professionals, but at least an attempt at catering to adults rather than 12 year olds would be nice for a change.

  • May 2, 2007, 1:04 p.m. CST

    Riiiiiight, Stuntcock Mike.

    by pubcrawler13

    I'm sure that Kirsten Dunst falls far below your usual standards. Also, what fucking planet have we moved to when a woman of Bryce Howard's size is considered "fat?" Again, I'm sure that she falls way below the standards of all you guys talking about the size of her ass and whatnot - it must be tough being constantly smothered by size 0 supermodels, as I'm sure you all are on a nightly basis.

  • May 2, 2007, 1:05 p.m. CST

    W3bzpinn3r

    by Lando Griffin

    was that first paragraph sarcasm?

  • May 2, 2007, 1:09 p.m. CST

    pubcrawler13

    by Stuntcock Mike

    Who the Hell told you I had standards? Ms. Bates ain't no size 0.

  • May 2, 2007, 1:09 p.m. CST

    I think Doc Ock was just consumed

    by just pillow talk

    with getting the fusion reaction to work. I don't think in his addled mind he actually had a game plan as to what to do next if he succeeded. <p>Stuntcock Mike, please consider making a sizable donation to FTB, where its our goal at FTB to get Kathy back to her enormous size by feeding her grease, bacon, lard, suzy q's, twinkies, raw meat, and small children. As of right now, we have raised $97.54. Thank you.

  • May 2, 2007, 1:09 p.m. CST

    One of my favorite shows is One Tree Hill

    by Trazadone

    I stopped reading after that sentence.

  • May 2, 2007, 1:10 p.m. CST

    pubcrawler, I agree

    by Fecal Debris

    I like a little meat on my girls. I mean, Jesus, those 0-size supermodels...the circumference of my ramrod is greater than that of their waistlines, so I run the risk of killing them when my intent is only to make love...they rip right in half.

  • May 2, 2007, 1:13 p.m. CST

    just pillow talk

    by Stuntcock Mike

    A thousand thanks Sir. You are now at an even $100.

  • May 2, 2007, 1:16 p.m. CST

    Doc Ock's lack of proper planning

    by Fecal Debris

    "I couldn't have miscalculated. It was working, wasn't it? We'll use more precious tritium. Enlarge the containment field, and make it bigger than EVER!! The power of the SUN in the palm of my hand! And then, then...uh...then I guess I'll eat a ham sandwich. See what's on cable. Can't exactly call the news if this thing works...I sort of KILLED all those doctors. Oops. Maybe I'll just hang out here at the dock and jerk off with one of my actuators. Start a new life working at a coffee shop with these monstrous...THINGS..."<p> And speaking of the actuator arms, I found it hard to believe that a scientist could develop A.I. arms with that kinda 'nanotechnology' and still get his math wrong with the fusion reaction. Developing the arms alone would get him on the cover of Popular Mechanics, Science, Newsweek and Time all by itself, fo sho'.

  • May 2, 2007, 1:18 p.m. CST

    Not liking this type of review...

    by waylayer

    The Seanbaby writing style works better, and is more honest, in a strange way.

  • May 2, 2007, 1:19 p.m. CST

    SCM...

    by pubcrawler13

    The "fat" thing was directed the previous TB'ers. The "standards" thing was directed at your implication that Kirsten Dunst requires the old "paper bag" trick in order to be hit, as it were.

  • May 2, 2007, 1:22 p.m. CST

    pubcrawler13

    by Stuntcock Mike

    o.k.

  • May 2, 2007, 1:22 p.m. CST

    Still

    by SithMenace

    not funny.

  • May 2, 2007, 1:26 p.m. CST

    your FTB membership kit is in the mail

    by just pillow talk

    Stuntcock Mike. The world can indeed be saved now.

  • May 2, 2007, 1:27 p.m. CST

    Stop! Or My Mom Will Review!

    by Ninja Nerd

    This was kind of funny and certainly served the public interest by warning about fish tacos, if nothing else! Hell, I think CHICKEN tacos are stupid...fish tacos make no sense whatsoever. As for Spiderman:3, this sounds about right compared to some other reviews...lots of characters and dialogue within several action sandwiches to munch on in between. Personally, I thought the subway fight with Doc Ock in S2 was the best part of that movie.

  • May 2, 2007, 1:36 p.m. CST

    When

    by Bruce Leroy

    will Marvel do a Spider-man reboot? I've seen part 3 today and "Oh boy". Looks like Raimi and co. are getting a little tired of this franchise. I know i am.

  • May 2, 2007, 1:38 p.m. CST

    i keep forgetting

    by teddanson37

    the whiner-babies on the AICN talkbacks will bash any movie. even one that's gonna seriously raise the bar for all superhero movies. i totally for bashing elektra and the hulk movies. i can understand why someone would be disappointed with FF or X3. but you can't seriously be hatin' on the spidey flicks. come on guys. this is going to be a two-and-a-half-hour geekgasm. you know it will be. but i keep forgetting how cool it is to hate movies everyone else loves, especially movies that will make a billion dollars.

  • May 2, 2007, 1:38 p.m. CST

    just pillow talk

    by Stuntcock Mike

    Awesome. It'll go next to my Certificate of Divinity from the Universal Life Church. FTB saves lives!

  • May 2, 2007, 1:39 p.m. CST

    I don't like this sarcastic, subversive Cumpston.

    by Ravetin

    Bring back the "dick made of three machine guns" Cumpston.

  • May 2, 2007, 1:41 p.m. CST

    i hope the movie isnt as retarded as this review was.

    by bouncing1

    yeah. my elderly mom knows the evil dead movies too. big fan. its like getting hit in the face with a sledgehammer, reading these reviews i mean. fucking awful.

  • May 2, 2007, 1:41 p.m. CST

    EMPIRE GAVE THIS Three stars

    by emeraldboy

    and empire were kicked and beaten over it as being inconsistent. The above reviwer seems to be saying much the same thing. that it is a disappointment.

  • May 2, 2007, 1:44 p.m. CST

    wait... so did he like the movie or no??

    by Russman

    I can't tell if he's serious or sarcastic... come-on buddy, speak plainly and quickly.... some of us are at work.

  • May 2, 2007, 1:52 p.m. CST

    now this is a review

    by emeraldboy

    by Garth Franklin over a dark horizons. Contains spoilers. Review: "Spider-Man 3"By Garth FranklinMay 4th 2007, PG-13, 140mins, Sony PicturesWith great money comes great accountability, not to mention a greater need to please everyone. Unfortunately this approach ultimately undermines the third "Spider-Man" film from reaching the heights achieved by the first two. Make no mistake though, "Spider-Man 3" is still a solid Summer movie with some glorious set pieces, even if its bones are beginning to creak. In spite of its inherent clumsiness and disappointing villain, the first "Spider-Man" remains a great crowd-pleaser with an excellent origin story and more life and energy to it than pretty much any comic book movie made before or since. The second in 2004 pulled off the rare feat of being a better constructed film in every way - a far better realized villain, richer characters, better action, etc. Yet much of the energy that was a hallmark of the first film was missing, replaced by repetitive scenes of tedious teen angst about a superhero struggling to balance life, love and work. It may have been more accurate to the character in the comics, but all the self-pitying frequently made the film's first two acts stall both our interest and patience, before everything righted itself again for a rousing finale. Now comes the third film which is as technically impressive as ever, but suffers from being simultaneously pulled in too many different directions. Even being an extra 15 minutes or so longer than its predecessor, the film still has to juggle three villains (Sandman, Harry Osborn, Venom) along with subplots about the rocky roads of new love, a "Superman 3" style 'dark personality' subplot, the ongoing Harry-Mary Jane-Peter love-hate triangle, not to mention giving time to a half dozen other characters both new and old. In "Spider-Man 3", Peter and Mary Jane are in love and he is on the verge of asking her to marry him. His lack of comfort about being Spider-Man in the last film has given way to a mildly cocky arrogance which he enjoys indulging in. She on the other hand is undergoing great difficulty as her Broadway debut is trashed by the critics and cut short, forcing her to be plagued by self-doubt. Peter's expanding ego isn't exactly helping her feel better either. Other factors come into play - Harry Osborn, armed with a variation of the Green Goblin armor, is still out for revenge over his father's death. Flint Marko, an escaped convict with a connection to the death of Peter's Uncle Ben, becomes caught in a scientific experiment and turns into a shape-shifting sand creature. Eddie Brock, a cocky young reporter with no scruples, sets out to take Peter's job at the Bugle. Finally, a mysterious symbiotic black substance from a fallen meteorite clings to the Spider-Man suit and causes Peter's self-confidence to rise to new levels of arrogance. Throw in both blond classmate Gwen Stacy (Bryce Dallas Howard) and a charming amnesiac Harry to serve as romantic foils for the couple, the alien goo becoming the villain Venom in the last half-hour (disappointingly realized too), numerous action set pieces, and scenes for regular characters like Aunt May and J. Jonah Jameson, and you can see why that even at 140 minutes, there's simply not enough time to cover all the bases comfortably. Surprisingly the film does manage to wrap things up by the end, so much so that it feels like an 'unofficial end' to the series in some ways with no cliff hanging stories left to resolve. Yet how most of these are resolved is done in some rushed and often unsatisfactory ways and that's where "Spider-Man 3" falls apart. The elements are there for some great drama, but they're never developed enough to become involving, and often awkwardly mix rather than cohesively gel. The hook this time is not only multiple villains, but a darker story for our hero - Maguire who once again comfortably inhabits the character. Unfortunately he also displays a surprising lack of growth in the role, playing him with little difference than the way he he did in the first film - this is despite the events of the first two films and his general experience as an actor. An awkward and naive school kid is believable, the same for someone pushing their mid-late twenties - ehh, not so much. It's more noticeable considering that Dunst, and more notably Franco, show distinct improvement in the way they handle their roles - in fact their scenes together ring with more genuine appeal than any of the tedious domestic squabbles that Maguire and Dunst's scenes together devolve into. Neither are particularly strong actors, Dunst playing Mary Jane as somewhat petulant whilst Franco's "I'm an evil guy now" scenes seem more fitting for soap opera than block buster territory. Yet both work their personal stories better than Maguire. He is given the overused subplot of exploring his bad side (the red kryptonite in this case is the black suit). By a bad side though it means several scenes of rather cringe-inducing dancing on the street or in jazz clubs, a shorter temper and a 90's alternate rock hairstyle (seems that bangs mean bad-ass). The rest of the cast do surprisingly well, but struggle with limited screen time. Even with the weakest writing yet for the character, J.K. Simmons as the Bugle's loud-mouthed editor J. Jonah Jameson remains a highlight. Same goes for Bruce Campbell, this time armed with an atrociously fun French accent, as a maitre'd who gets the best comedic moment in the whole film. James Cromwell is so barely in it he's not worth mentioning, same for the great Dylan Baker even though he gets the most screen time yet as Dr. Conners. Bryce Dallas Howard as Gwen Stacy serves as a fun new female role and imbues her character with a fresh optimism and a welcome charm. Not faring so well is Thomas Haden Church, not so much his fault as the writers. A little bit of retroactive continuity is pulled off to get Peter emotionally invested in stopping The Sandman, but it feels like a cheat - and isn't helped by the fact that Marko is portrayed as little more than an unlucky thug who regrets his actions but doesn't feel the need to apologize for them. Their attempt to give him dimension is shown in only two scenes - an early visit to the wife and child he left behind, and the ubiquitous emotional plea for understanding in the climax. Beyond that he spends his time mostly as a shape-shifting CG sand creature who serves only as a bland foil in some well-shot but repetitive action scenes. Kudos though to the effects people as his haunting 'rebirth' scene as a monster is the film's strongest visual effect both technically and emotionally. Topher Grace is, well Topher Grace. He does surprisingly well as the arrogant Eddie Brock, pulling off that bravado and lack of morals that comes with self-confident youth. His turn as Venom however isn't so effective. Fans dying to see the mega-mouthed alien creature only get a few glimpses of his full guise, more often though it's Grace's face grinning madly shoved on top of a tentacled CG black mass. Venom's initial birthing scene in the church is a well handled effect, as is its earlier 'slinky from hell' black goo form which is surprisingly creepy. The action is pretty spectacular. At some times, most notably the big fight scenes, the action becomes too frantic with the frames shot way too close-up which makes things a little confusing. Yet the sequences are staged well, notably the early Peter vs. Harry fight along with the film's most effective scene - a vertigo-inducing sequence with Gwen in peril when a construction crane goes haywire. Less successful is the later scenes with forced crowd reactions and somewhat murky action mixed with some seemingly rushed CG effects. The big finale at a construction site is let down by a truly annoying British female reporter character giving the blow-by-blow description of the action happening. It's one of several very odd choices by Raimi and co. to obviously help explain or brush over the numerous plot holes on offer. Harry's never-before-seen butler pops up at just the right moment to serve as Basil Exposition with crucial back story information (why he kept the information to himself all this time is never explained). The Venom-Sandman alliance is born not through a genuine need but purely to have them fighting together in a scene. Scenes like this are too numerous to mention but all tie back to the script. Time and obvious passion was invested into the first two films, care taken just as much in their pre-construction as there was in its actual production. That's just not the case here. Whilst the technical skills of those involved are still world-class, there is a notable lethargy and lack of real purpose to it all - certainly more of a need to incorporate story elements (like Venom whom Raimi is quite obviously not a fan of) in order to both appeal to a wider audience and sell more toys. It's a dangerous path to tread, one that nearly killed the Batman film franchise back in the 90's and deliberately killed the "X-Men" films last year, and whilst Spider-Man hasn't gone down that path yet - it is certainly leading in that direction here. "Spider-Man 3" may not reach the heights of the first two films, let alone the transcendent macabre aria of "Batman Begins" or the near perfectly-balanced symphony of "X-Men 2," but in spite of it being the closest thing this franchise has had to a mediocre entry - it's still good enough to show up how laughably bad the likes of mediocre comic book movies like "Ghost Rider" and "300" are, and more on target than some other misfires of late (I'm looking at you X-Men & Superman). Raimi and gang have gone out colorfully, but it's now time to give the webslinger a rest before coming back fighting sometime next decade.

  • May 2, 2007, 1:55 p.m. CST

    This guy isn't funny

    by Flaparoo

    Stop giving Cumpston top headlines for his reviews. It was slightly humorous the first time but now it is just pathetic.

  • May 2, 2007, 2:18 p.m. CST

    2/3rds of this TB deserve Twain awards this year...

    by Alonzo Mosely

    Really it isn't rocket science...

  • May 2, 2007, 2:31 p.m. CST

    Venom fans

    by Kraken

    Prepare to open wide and have Raimi poop in your mouths. You're not going to like the taste.

  • May 2, 2007, 2:54 p.m. CST

    Neill Cumpston

    by SavageDragoner

    Okay, screw whatever you have to say about 3; it's going to make your eyes bleed with a shot of pure awesomeness. My comment is on Neill. While this review was witty and acerbically funny and got the point across, I was sorely hoping for a review of this movie in typical Cumpston fashion. Goddamn, his review for Matrix Reloaded deserved a journalism award of some sort. If you haven't read it, look it up in the archives. He's masterful at basically telling you the entire movie, but without giving away a single plot point. If Moriarty really is Neill, then I guess maybe he felt that Neill's standard review style wouldn't work here, since NC is all about the excitement and fanboy hype, and obviously that is not what they are trying to convey. But there is no way this was written by someone's mother, not even Neill's, unless she is the coolest mother in the world.

  • May 2, 2007, 3:22 p.m. CST

    I'll catch it on BLU-RAY

    by AlwaysThere

    Then I can see it in it's HD glory.

  • May 2, 2007, 3:52 p.m. CST

    No problem with Spidey 2, Fecal.

    by biggles2_22

    Doc Ock was pretty much brain dead when his arms "took over" with his last wish of creating the perfect fusion. That's all. No big plan, just a dying desire to have the power of the sun in the palm of his hand. I gotta tell ya, as I sat in the theater watching this flick, there are many moments where I was saying, "WTF is Sam doing here!?" Including casting a rather large boned girl to play Gwen. (Now that I know she was preggers that changes things.) But this was a MOVIE, not a television show like Alias (shooting around Garners pregnancy and then finally working it in to the story). They should have recast her four friggin line part a put a hotsie (like Elisha, I totally agree) in that role.

  • May 2, 2007, 4:32 p.m. CST

    Any girl is large boned

    by Fecal Debris

    Once I'm inside (snare drum roll) cha-ching

  • May 2, 2007, 4:39 p.m. CST

    Funniest fake old lady review ever.

    by Smashing

    "one of those modern jazz clubs that spidey fans love" sublime.

  • May 2, 2007, 4:50 p.m. CST

    I had a feeling

    by oisin5199

    Maybe this film will finally show once and for all that the Emperor has no clothes. The Spiderman films are not the end-all be all of comic films like everyone here seems to think, but rather mediocre popcorn flicks with some decent effects and fights but little else to drape on that skeleton. The leads are generally miscast, and the scripts have never really captured an authentic Spider-man voice, focusing on treacly, sentimental teen angst. If they do a Spider-Man 4, I really hope they "Ultimize" it and go with a completely different cast, director and screenwriter. I'm seeing SM3 eventually, but I'll really be thinking of Iron Man and Dark Knight for next year.

  • May 2, 2007, 5:30 p.m. CST

    Hmmm, this review sure makes this movie sound

    by superninja

    like a big turd.

  • May 2, 2007, 5:31 p.m. CST

    No more senior reviews please

    by Phategod2

    as cute as it was its almost as uninformative as the adolescents on there Parents PC's Im not a 50+ year old woman so how does she reflect my, or the opinion of most of the people on AICN.

  • May 2, 2007, 5:38 p.m. CST

    ...my local taqueria, the one with the awesome...

    by Onomaki Forp

    ...shark tacos has closed. So I had to go to three other places before I found one place that served "shrimp fundido" which was as close as I sould get without going over to Home Depot and asking some guy if his mom could cook for me...a few cervesas and a little imagination...but not quite Angelina Jolie. Not even Kathy Bates. And Man U lost to Milan...so I *hope* to Dear Lord Jebus that every single one of us is dead, dead, dead wrong and that Spidey 3 will be Amazing and Spectacular...cuz I don'ts need no more disappointments this weekend...Maybe if I smuggle a few cervesas into the theatre and use my imagination....

  • May 2, 2007, 5:49 p.m. CST

    And I thought...

    by allyousay

    ....that hearing stories in the midst of something important was something that I got myself away from AFTER my grandma died. Good review though. I'm looking forward to it on Thursday night at midnight! Is anyone else dressing as Spider-Man? Dorks of the world, Unite!

  • May 2, 2007, 5:55 p.m. CST

    gwen

    by christpunchers2007

    http://news.greenvilleonline.com/blogs/link/howard_bryce.jpg fat or not shes got a so-so mug.

  • May 2, 2007, 6:01 p.m. CST

    Bring on fricking IronMan. A

    by christpunchers2007

    Bring on fricking IronMan. A beaten and battered Tony Starks played by RDJ and customes that so far look on par with the comics. Its going to be a sleeper hit since IM is nowhere as popular as Batman or Spidey.

  • May 2, 2007, 6:02 p.m. CST

    Another problem with the Spidey films.......

    by Doc_Strange

    Why do the villains always have to be sympathetic characters who were once good but only went bad because some shit happened to them? Why couldn't they have been evil to begin with and then have the accident that made them who they were? There's always some kind of redemption for them at the end and I think that's bullshit. Doc Ock? Fuck that, he was evil through and through. Green Goblin? Killed Gwen Stacy and was run through by his hover board. Sandman? Small time hood who became a super-villain. Venom? A news reporter who's career was ended by Spiderman due to Eddie Brock naming the wrong Sin-Eater, who later turned out to be someone else Spiderman caught. Brock later vows vengeance and comes into contact with the very same alien symbiote that Spidey once wore. Unapolgetically evil, except for killing innocents.

  • May 2, 2007, 6:12 p.m. CST

    Doc_Strange, I'm with ya.

    by superninja

    It doesn't make them more interesting, it just makes it a big whine-fest all round. Personally, I think confronting evil is more interesting and is sort of the whole purpose of being a superhero. It just muddies the waters for the main character when they do things like this - there is less contrast and there are too many characters to even get into that, to boot.

  • May 2, 2007, 6:20 p.m. CST

    Is she being sarcastic?

    by jimmy_009

    Everything about this review sounds sarcastic. I'm not sure what to make of it.

  • May 2, 2007, 6:24 p.m. CST

    allyousay...

    by Onomaki Forp

    ...dress as Spidey? Rather...in keeping with this review I'll dress as Aunt May! (can't fit in me old underoos anymore anyways)

  • May 2, 2007, 6:25 p.m. CST

    Spider-Man 4: The Reboot

    by BannedOnTheRun

    Scene 1: Deceived by Mysterio, the Punisher guns down Mary Jane, Gwen Stacey, all surviving Osbornes, Aunt May, some random passerby who one day would have become Electro, and anyone else I've forgotten. Scene 2: Spidey and Punisher beat the shit out of each other. Who wins? The audience. The end.

  • May 2, 2007, 6:36 p.m. CST

    "I have sand in my eye"

    by S-Mart shopper

    that made me chuckle, in a laughing sort of way not a barfing kinda way.

  • May 2, 2007, 6:39 p.m. CST

    Best review I've ever read on AICN

    by An4h0ny

    I mean, EVAR. Neill is not just hilarious and a master of the written word, he's also clever as hell and versatile. This ranks up there with Colbert's appearance at the Correspondents' Association Dinner. You've transcended the form sir. Good show.

  • May 2, 2007, 7:28 p.m. CST

    Too lazy to finish reading...

    by wadi77

    Read the first few lines, but couldn't continue.. <p>Why?<p>

  • May 2, 2007, 7:30 p.m. CST

    Lame Attempt At Being Lame

    by BojTrek

    Whoever wrote this was trying to be funny and it didn't work. Worst 2 minutes of my life... LAME!

  • May 2, 2007, 7:35 p.m. CST

    PLANT! PLANT! PLANT! PLANT! MOTHER FUCKING PLANT!!!

    by Err

    This person was put here to purposely discourage us from seeing Spider-Man 3 in hopes that we would see "Lucky You" instead.

  • May 2, 2007, 7:43 p.m. CST

    I've never had a problem

    by cyberskunk

    I've never had a problem with fish tacos or fish burritos, but sometimes I have problems if I eat too many pickled hot peppers, so I have to watch that.

  • May 2, 2007, 8:26 p.m. CST

    Topher Graceless

    by darthbinks1220

    Unscripted/Moviefone on AOL, he says he can easily kick Tobey Maguire's ass. Perhaps, but why emasculate the guy. He truly is venom, and not in a good way.

  • May 2, 2007, 8:45 p.m. CST

    Wild Hogs?

    by casinoskunk

    So is Spider-Man 3 Not a stitch?

  • May 2, 2007, 9:21 p.m. CST

    Penises that looks like knives

    by rsswope

    best line of a review this year...

  • May 2, 2007, 9:28 p.m. CST

    When did seniors start using Buzz words

    by Phategod2

    My mother is 67 and she does not use any of those Buzz words or refer to herself orther seniors as Silver hairs or what ever she said.

  • May 2, 2007, 9:28 p.m. CST

    Another display of classless superhero character bias..

    by darthbinks1220

    At this year's MTV Movie Awards, Christian Bale mocked Brandon Routh. He actually said Batman could kick Superman's butt. Yeah, and the Bosox have more World Titles than the Yankees......

  • May 2, 2007, 9:50 p.m. CST

    It was a joke

    by Phategod2

    Jeesh you think If I was in the movie Industry I wouldn't say that Ghost rider sucked. and If Topher grace is my friend sure I'll have a little fun saying I could kick his ass.

  • May 2, 2007, 9:55 p.m. CST

    Phategod2

    by darthbinks1220

    If you saw the footage, Tobey didn't look amused. Topher is an arrogant prick. Being one doesn't make him a psychotic, just somebody I wouldn't want to be friends with.

  • May 2, 2007, 9:59 p.m. CST

    BB, SM2/3, FF2, IM, H show imagination.

    by darthbinks1220

    That's why Superman Returns is such a disappointment. The man of steel is the granddaddy of all comic book incarnations. Honestly, can anyone remember the generic plot of Singer's 'ode to Donner'. I've said it dozens of times, I'll say it dozens more. Cameron. Doomsday. Superman Reborn. Wake up Warner Bros.

  • May 2, 2007, 10:09 p.m. CST

    darthbinks1220

    by kname2

    read Frank Miller's graphic novel "Batman- The Dark Knight"...Bats uses his intellect to beat Supes...after he's done whipping the big blue boy scout he lectures him in a classic comics moment about how a normal man beat him...good stuff...so, christian bale was correct

  • May 2, 2007, 10:12 p.m. CST

    kname2

    by darthbinks1220

    Again, Bale can show some humility. Beside, I read that comic too. Kryptonite! I can kick Superman's ass under that circumstance. That's why Clark should carry a gun! lol :)

  • May 2, 2007, 10:22 p.m. CST

    as for the review...

    by kname2

    seemed like an ok review...more humorous than anything...spoilers aside...if it's a truthful review my fears are confirmed about the inclusion of venom...it's basically a variant on "The Blob" from the 1950's...mystery goop falls from space and causes havok...maybe it's Raimi's nod to the horror genre...but, for the black spidey suit to appear like this is just what i feared...Secret Wars was one of the most convoluted storylines in it's day...for the uninformed it's where Spider-Man got his nifty alien symbiote suit...then Todd McFarlane turned it into Venom, truthfully a "villain" that myself and a lot of other die hard "old school" fans despise...to have him in the same flick with the attempt at fixing the Gwen Stacy/Mary Jane mess along with a Sandman story is going to be way too much...the first 2 films worked because they avoided for the most part what plagued the latter Batman films...too many bad guys in one film...I don't even want to think about them changing the Ben Parker's killer to Sandman...that totally debases Peter's whole guilt complex that drove him to become a hero in the first place...absolute garbage...i'm sure after the dust settles from the hoohah over the new film people will hate it down the road...maybe the folks that made it really do want it to be the last Spider-Man film...i'm sure i'll go to see it...but, with a skeptical anticipation...i hope they prove me wrong

  • May 2, 2007, 10:22 p.m. CST

    A fight between...

    by Valebant

    Topher Grace and Tobey Maguire would be pretty even I think. As a body-type that could be a stand-in for either of them, I think it is safe to say that Christian Bale = Brandon Routh > Topher Grace = Tobey Maguire. (Tobey does seem scrappy though). <p> For some reason I fall into the class of people who "You know you look just like _____." Fill in the blank with Tobey, Topher or Elijah Wood. I don't know what it is about being a white male of average height with blue eyes that makes the general public stupid. I was at a Taco Bell once and the girl behind the counter was giggling and "knowingly" asked if I'd seen Spider-Man. I almost think she thought I was lying when I said I hadn't yet. Like Tobey Maguire eats at a Taco Bell in Atlanta.<p> Of course, my favorite look alike story was when someone said to Rosie O'Donnell: "I don't mean to insult you, but you look just like Rosie O'Donnell." Not a Rosie fan, but I admire that she tells that story.

  • May 2, 2007, 10:22 p.m. CST

    One of the best reviews ever. I want MORE!

    by Warcraft

    Seriously, invite her to more movies. Her reviews are informative and entertaining. Warcraft demands more Mrs. Cumpston!

  • May 2, 2007, 10:24 p.m. CST

    kname2 deux

    by darthbinks1220

    Still, Bats probably benches 375 lbs. Supes presses 375,000,000,000,000,???.... I'm gonna have to go with the Yankees here, all things being equal (no gun, no kryptonite).

  • May 2, 2007, 10:25 p.m. CST

    Shai labeuf is on his way to becoming

    by Phategod2

    the biggest Douche in Hollywood Currently held By Tom Cruise. Topher is just trying to be funny.

  • May 2, 2007, 10:27 p.m. CST

    darthbinks1220

    by kname2

    thanks for being civil about the debate over Bats vs. Supes...not much of that on here...ciao

  • May 2, 2007, 10:29 p.m. CST

    Will the Butler become the Hobgoblin?

    by Smashing

    He may have just inherited the Osbourne estate, he was shown to be more than a butler with his line about Harry's father only obsessing over his work, a sure sign of familial concern.

  • May 2, 2007, 10:31 p.m. CST

    The reason why we'll never see Doomsday

    by Phategod2

    Hollywood has been running in safe mode for the past 10 years or so which is why we see a decline in the Box office. Look at the news about the new Diehard being Pg-13 and AvP and Hollywoods reluctance to do any grandiose X-men story line. theres a new code in Hollywood. Every story line has to be hyper realistic and almost Identical regardless of how rediculous the characters and situations are. Hollywood for the most parts have lost there stones for every 300 there are 5 Live free or Die Hards. Because The Higher ups tell you what you want instead of giving you what you want.

  • May 2, 2007, 10:36 p.m. CST

    kname2, don't thank me, we're all on the same team.

    by darthbinks1220

    Gordon: "I never said thank you." Batman: "and you'll never have to."

  • May 2, 2007, 10:42 p.m. CST

    Why can't you people accept that Neill's mum wrote this

    by Bronx Cheer

    <p>Seriously, she put a lot of effort into this review. Neill's a good son for looking out for his mom, and she's a stand-up parent for filling in for her ailing Mr. Poopy Pants.</p> <p>Goodnight, Mrs. Cumpston, wherever you are.

  • May 2, 2007, 11:48 p.m. CST

    I read that thing completely

    by Phategod2

    and there is no way That was written by anyone over the age of 35. Do me a favor Find me one person 50+ years old who knows what the term Emo means and I'll eat my hat. The Thing I don't understand is : Is this review complete sarcasm or is it some type of new form of Movie sabotage by rival studios or AICN.

  • May 2, 2007, 11:54 p.m. CST

    So, is she "Mature Porn" hot?

    by Doctor_Sin

    Oh, btw, PLANT.

  • May 3, 2007, 12:10 a.m. CST

    Who would win in a fight between

    by Phategod2

    Toby MCguire Topher Grace and Jake Gyllenhaal.

  • May 3, 2007, 12:29 a.m. CST

    the last line makes it abundantly clear

    by s0nicdeathmonkey

    that this is a joke.

  • May 3, 2007, 12:42 a.m. CST

    The first WORD makes it clear it is a joke.

    by Bronx Cheer

    CUMPSTON! Why are people coming on here to tell us that this is obviously a joke. NO SHIT! No kidding!

  • May 3, 2007, 2:30 a.m. CST

    Again, N. Cumpston shows us why his reviews are...

    by D.A.C. Defenders of Action Cinema

    light-years ahead. I thank him for this. To my talkback bros, sometimes you guys seem really intelligent and then at other times... I don't think you guys honestly don't get what happened here. But just in case. Lemme decode what happened: Our trusty action filmgoer (N. Cumpston) went to see an action movie. But upon watching the alleged action picture he decided that it was not worthy to be reviewed in the same fashion as his Grindhouse, Blade II or The Matrix Reloaded review. -- In fact, what he witnessed was such an abomination that he found himself embarrassed to be associated with it as an action filmgoer. So what does he do? He writes his review from the P.O.V. of his mom or someone out of the target audience who really doesn't care for action flix or some crazy "Spider-Man". --- This concept and execution is brilliance. For me, this review has painted a crystal clear picture of how ball-less the men in this town are (Hollywood Execs) through thier idea of what a Spidey flick is. -- I only hope Neil is lying when he says that Mary Jane is singing in this movie not once but twice!!! -- If that's true, then I'm sorry but I can't go support this on Friday. Tron-1 D.A.C.

  • May 3, 2007, 3:27 a.m. CST

    All the critics are saying the same thing

    by zooch

    It's bloated. Has too many storylines and too many characters. That doesn't sound so bad. Remember Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Man's Chest? They said the same thing about that movie and it was great and everyone still loved it.

  • May 3, 2007, 6:10 a.m. CST

    Brilliant!

    by Shawn F.

    This review was better than the movie, which I caught last week. Guess we should be happy that two of the three films were good. Pray that there isn't a fourth.

  • May 3, 2007, 6:14 a.m. CST

    First "real" Rush hour 3 trailer!

    by Gluecifer

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RKnQKM7vKv0&mode=user&search=

  • May 3, 2007, 6:38 a.m. CST

    how is he a hack?

    by just pillow talk

    While this one may fall short of the others, considering all the reviews, the first two were great. I'm pretty sure only people here dislike either the first or second one. Maybe everyone should go see the Waitress instead...

  • May 3, 2007, 7:06 a.m. CST

    Awesome review, so funny I

    by Vishnu

    Awesome review, so funny I think I wet my pants a little bit. Probably the most inspired review I have read on this god forsaken site in years! Kudos, muchos Kudos! Harry quit now and give the silver haired one your throne. Cornetto?

  • May 3, 2007, 7:33 a.m. CST

    Maybe they shouldn't have hired...

    by Mosquito March

    ...a fucking 76-year-old screenwriter to write this latest piece of Raimi shit.

  • May 3, 2007, 7:50 a.m. CST

    Wahaha

    by Zappary

    Best. Review. Ever.

  • May 3, 2007, 7:55 a.m. CST

    Anyone else getting spyware ads from AICN?

    by cinephobia

    I'm getting constant obnoxious faux-error message pop-up ads for a misleading spyware "removal" tool, DriveCleaner. I thought it might be an existing infection, but my anti-virus is giving the all clear, the software isn't where web resource say it installs itself, and it only happens on this site. If AICN are accepting ads from these con artists, they should be ashamed.

  • May 3, 2007, 8:13 a.m. CST

    MosquitoMarch, how DARE you, sir!!

    by Fecal Debris

    I'm kidding. To each his own. Me, I've had a boner for the Spidey series, I have a boner now, and I'll have a boner until I'm done seeing the midnight show TONIGHT, during which I expect to lacquer the seat in front of me with nerdspooge a couple times. Like a webshooter.

  • May 3, 2007, 8:23 a.m. CST

    100% organic webshooter

    by just pillow talk

    none of that mechanical bullshit shooters!<p>Did you already see it Mosquito March?

  • May 3, 2007, 8:29 a.m. CST

    Good God...

    by DocPazuzu

    ...I can't believe how many morons there are here. Here's a stupidity test for you: if you don't know who the morons are I'm referring to, chances are about 97% that you're one of them.

  • May 3, 2007, 8:30 a.m. CST

    do we get free t-shirts?

    by just pillow talk

    I'm always looking to snag free stuff...

  • May 3, 2007, 8:31 a.m. CST

    Fake

    by shrike11

    Have any of you ever read "Enders Game" by Orson Scott Card? Remember the part where they force Enders sister to write him a letter to break him out of his funk? The letter is littered with inside jokes and references which assure Ender that it really is his sister, and though it has the desired effect he knows that its fake as shit and completely sollicited. Thats what this review felt like, minus the part about actually being written by a real older woman. First of all, Fish Tacos as implausable as shit, especially for a guy who lives at home with his parents. Someone else pointed out that Moriarity claims to have met Neills dad at the door, and yet Nell claims he passed away, and in terms that imply it was awhile ago. The references listed in the review were just too pat, she knew too many names of the characters, and finally, the overall effect of the review was too directed of a slap at the film to have been randomly stumbled upon by some old lady. Also, if Moriarity saw Spiderman 3 at the same time as Mrs. C, then where is his review? Oh wait, he DID just write one, this one.

  • May 3, 2007, 8:56 a.m. CST

    bad poops?

    by Onomaki Forp

    ...at Nell's age any poops is good poops...

  • May 3, 2007, 9 a.m. CST

    shrike11...

    by DocPazuzu

    ...gets a free t-shirt to go with his corrective helmet along with ganymede2010 and a few others.

  • May 3, 2007, 9:42 a.m. CST

    The first fight sequence between Spidey and Goblin2

    by Motoko Kusanagi

    I quote: "It’s far and away the most exciting sequence in the movie" <p>IMHO it was the first disappointment in a series of letdowns this movie (unfortunately) offers.

  • May 3, 2007, 12:21 p.m. CST

    "Emo" Haircuts Give Me Bad Poops

    by Sauromatae

    Puh-leeze... No one's mom knows the word "Emo" unless it's followed by "Phillips" and evokes images of a scary comedian.

  • May 3, 2007, 12:33 p.m. CST

    If I ever get a dog, I'm going to call it...

    by ScarranHalfBreed

    "Mr Pilkington".

  • May 3, 2007, 1:40 p.m. CST

    even spiderman doesnt get enougb screen time

    by Spacesheik

    In the Batman movies we complained villains had too much screentime and Batman didnt have any - in this movie its the opposite, but its acually worse, Peter Parker has more screen time than Spiderman, Sandman, Venom, and Hobgogblin put together. I wanted more Sandman frankly - Church was awesome but they SPOILER ALERT fucked it up in the end when he turned into Godzilla

  • May 3, 2007, 2:37 p.m. CST

    loser

    by slkboxrman

    ya know, if ur gonna say its a review, at least review it with a little less sarcasm....this guy sounds like hes still in diapers...apparently he just wanted mindless action, also makes me think he never saw the first 2 movies, another mistake. the crane sequence has been online for a while now and looks quite good....i too shall wait for a review when the movie actually comes out here tommorow

  • May 3, 2007, 2:44 p.m. CST

    also

    by slkboxrman

    i dont think they should allow someone to review a movie that we all love that thinks AMERICAN IDOL is "must-see tv" and was upset about missing it...and again this "silver-top" which i guess translates to OLD FUCK doesnt even seem to know anything about spider man, the comics, the movies, nothing......give me money and the chance to post MY reviews on this site and u will get a decent review from someone that actually cares to review a movie...and not this piss poor BS that seemed to go on forever from someone that just wanted to get home to wank off to DANCING WITH SANJAYA or whatever reality crap is on these days.....im convinced the USA is filled with people that just want to stare at the TV and watch real people make REAL asses of themselves... not thought involved, no having to understand dialogue or follow a story-arc...its too hard to do that...dont ya know ....god im nauseous now

  • May 3, 2007, 2:55 p.m. CST

    slkboxrman

    by biggles2_22

    Dude, you need to get a clue. Read this review AFTER you see the movie and you'll see what he meant. (Sarcasm and all!) I didn't get were you were coming from on all the American Idol crap, but (as Sgt. Hulka says) "Lighten-up, Francis."

  • May 3, 2007, 3:16 p.m. CST

    Step right up, slkboxrman.

    by Mr. Nice Gaius

    Here's your sign.

  • May 3, 2007, 3:22 p.m. CST

    biggles

    by slkboxrman

    i will read the review and im sure it will be no more relevant to the actual movie.... if u read the review u would see how this guys mom said she "wansnt anxious about missing american idol" and that her favorite show is "one tree hill", another bad sign.... and who the hell is "sgt.hulka" and why would i care ..... i am lightend up, i just would expect a review from someone that actually knows the material, and knows spider man, not some 60ish little old lady, whose priorities are watching crappy reality shows and lame teen dramas...and was upset about leaving them for a night.....its just not someone u want reviewing a movie, at least not serioulsly...which in the case of this review wasnt too serious....please u need to get a clue...

  • May 3, 2007, 3:26 p.m. CST

    gaius

    by slkboxrman

    huh ? lol... sorry for the rant , but i guess i just expected more from a site i do get lots of info from, but i guess thats expecting too much sometimes....

  • May 3, 2007, 3:27 p.m. CST

    slkboxrman, ROFL!

    by biggles2_22

    Please, go on! You're cracking me (and whomever "got" Cumpstons review) up. Seriously, enjoy the movie, I've got to wipe these tears outta my eyes. You better go wipe that drool off of your chin. Hee hee..."who the hell is sgt. hulka" hahahahaha.

  • May 3, 2007, 3:30 p.m. CST

    WHO'S HULKA?!

    by Stuntcock Mike

    Our newest, bestest buddy, and big toe, that's who.

  • May 3, 2007, 3:35 p.m. CST

    I'm already making up the T-Shirts...

    by biggles2_22

    WHO'S HULKA?!

  • May 3, 2007, 3:36 p.m. CST

    slkboxrman

    by Mr. Nice Gaius

    I'm just going to give you the benefit of the doubt and say that you're not familiar with the long running AICN gag known as Neill Cumpston. To pick on you any further over this would be most cruel.<P>But remember well this day so that you do not make the same mistake when Neill submits another review. Carry on, laddie.

  • May 3, 2007, 3:41 p.m. CST

    Stuntcock Mike

    by biggles2_22

    Yer killin me dude. LOL LOL LOL

  • May 3, 2007, 3:49 p.m. CST

    Take this comedian outside...........

    by Stuntcock Mike

    and watch him do FIFTY pushups. Lee Harvey, YOU are a madman. More to come..........

  • May 3, 2007, 3:53 p.m. CST

    Lee Harvey...

    by biggles2_22

    ...you are a madman. When you stole that cow, and your friend tried to make it with the cow. I want to party with you, cowboy. If the two of us together... forget it!

  • May 3, 2007, 3:55 p.m. CST

    I hate pop-ups

    by rost

    ...get rid of this bloody Drive-Cleaner ad!

  • May 3, 2007, 3:55 p.m. CST

    LOL

    by Hasselhoffflying

    damm, there sure are a lot of clueless talkbackers...you are the people who voted for Bush and think that Al Quida is hiding under your bed right? oh and this is a great review, thanks for saving me a few bucks. I'll be watching this one on DVD! LONG LIVE FISH TACOS!!!

  • May 3, 2007, 3:56 p.m. CST

    You better hit those bunks, my little darlings,

    by biggles2_22

    or Sergeant Hulka with the BIG TOE is gonna see how far he can stick it up your ass.

  • May 3, 2007, 4 p.m. CST

    Well,

    by Stuntcock Mike

    I know what I'm watching tonite.

  • May 3, 2007, 4:02 p.m. CST

    LIGHTEN UP, FRANCIS!

    by finky089

  • May 3, 2007, 4:02 p.m. CST

    Or, you'll get THE AUNT JEMIMA TREATMENT

    by finky089

  • May 3, 2007, 4:05 p.m. CST

    I WISH I WAS A LOOFA!

    by finky089

    God, I wish I was a loofa.

  • May 3, 2007, 4:09 p.m. CST

    ARE YOU HOMOSEXUALS?

    by finky089

    "No. But we are willing to learn."

  • May 3, 2007, 4:17 p.m. CST

    Has MiraJeff complained about

    by Lando Griffin

    which side of the page this Cumpston review was placed yet?

  • May 3, 2007, 4:23 p.m. CST

    What, you mean flaming?

    by Stuntcock Mike

    Convicted? No, never convicted.

  • May 3, 2007, 5:30 p.m. CST

    Shit

    by Gozu

    This was the only summer film I was really looking forward to. I guess I'll just go see "Hot Fuzz" or "Black Book."

  • May 3, 2007, 5:35 p.m. CST

    All they need is for everyone on the entire planet

    by superninja

    to see it just once. And I think it's funny that after Dunst's statement a number of reviews basically state they want Peter to dump MJ. How sad for a Spider-Man movie!

  • May 3, 2007, 5:40 p.m. CST

    Good God

    by henrydalton

    It's always depressing when you're faced en masse with the average intelligence of the population. Neill, that was a funny and cleverly written review. What's funnier though is seeing the number of people that completely missed the point of it.

  • May 3, 2007, 6:33 p.m. CST

    How many SONY products are featured?

    by Quake II

    That's the real reson I go to movies is to have Sony products crammed down my throat. Please let someone be using a Sony Vaio in Spider-Man 3! And shoot it from the back so the logo fills the screen (Casino Royale). This movie sound forgettable. In 15 years, will any of you be showing your kids (or grandkids) a Spider-Man movie? All signs point to no.

  • May 3, 2007, 6:43 p.m. CST

    This sounds like a damn musical.

    by DoctorWho?

    Harry and MJ making an omlet and doing the twist?

  • May 3, 2007, 6:50 p.m. CST

    Was somebody banned up there?

    by Onomaki Forp

    Cuz I'm trying to make sense of the posts that popped up in the past couple of hours since I looked at this thread...and it seems like something's missing...like y'alls talking to somebody that ain't there's no more...

  • May 3, 2007, 7:43 p.m. CST

    I hate the Internets

    by hadez

    Before, I would watch movies without pre-disposition. Then this World Wide Web beast came along and took a shit all over my movie-viewing plans...Oh, well. Mrs. Cumpston FTW!

  • May 3, 2007, 8:11 p.m. CST

    I'd rather see "Overwritten" and "Bloated"

    by Jimmy Jazz

    than some quickie hackjob with poorly edited fight scenes strung together. Oh my God! Character development! How horrible! Actual Plotlines! Gasp! Better to overreach and fall short than to not even try and just rehash what came before. The more reviews I read, the more intrigued I become.

  • May 3, 2007, 8:11 p.m. CST

    I'd rather see "Overwritten" and "Bloated"

    by Jimmy Jazz

    than some quickie hackjob with poorly edited fight scenes strung together. Oh my God! Character development! How horrible! Actual Plotlines! Gasp! Better to overreach and fall short than to not even try and just rehash what came before. The more reviews I read, the more intrigued I become.

  • May 3, 2007, 8:12 p.m. CST

    I'd rather see "Overwritten" and "Bloated"

    by Jimmy Jazz

    than some quickie hackjob with poorly edited fight scenes strung together. Oh my God! Character development! How horrible! Actual Plotlines! Gasp! Better to overreach and fall short than to not even try and just rehash what came before. The more reviews I read, the more intrigued I become.

  • May 3, 2007, 8:55 p.m. CST

    my thoughts exactly Jimmy Jazz

    by zooch

    Raimi should be praised for what he was attempting with this film, and it sounds like to me that despite falling short in some areas, he still achieved.

  • May 3, 2007, 9:42 p.m. CST

    Well I always enjoyed watching Matlock ...

    by Onomaki Forp

    ...and Murder She Wrote with me Mum. So If I can get back into that head again, I should be able to "enjoy" it. (You could always tell who did it on those shows...the most reconisable guest star...always. This formula still works on Law and Order SUV and all them other shows.)

  • May 3, 2007, 9:53 p.m. CST

    so we're still posting here then?

    by Deus Vult

    have all the scary people left yet?

  • May 3, 2007, 10:31 p.m. CST

    Unless you count me...

    by Onomaki Forp

    ...why don't you like me and my non-existant crew? Was it because I was silly back in January about being everybody else except you? Getting banned sort of puts all that in perspective. Sort of...

  • May 3, 2007, 11:06 p.m. CST

    shrike11

    by jedimindflayer

    actually, she says 'her late husband'; she does not make any reference to the number of total husbands she had, or which one would actually claim a nutjob...er... wonderful child such as neil. perhaps mori could clear this up for us?

  • May 3, 2007, 11:14 p.m. CST

    shrike11

    by Onomaki Forp

    Niles is her "late" husband, she's also got an "early" husband...this time difference enables her to juggle them without either one catching on...a problem with short term memory doesn't hurt either...Yep. Nell's a playa...Where'd you think Neill gets it from?

  • May 3, 2007, 11:23 p.m. CST

    I agree w/ Cumstains opinion

    by darthbinks1220

    Pecking order.............Supes........Yanks Bats.........Bosox Spidey.......Mets Best comic flicks all-time: 1)Supes: The Movie 2)Bats Begins (Poetic indeed) 3)Spidey 2 Worst comic flicks all-time: 1)Catwoman 2)Bats & Rob 3)Spidey 3 Deal w/ it Stan Lee. Long live Siegel, Shuster & Kane......... oh, they're dead. oopps! (Must be the black alien symbiote skivvies I'm sporting right now).

  • May 3, 2007, 11:48 p.m. CST

    gaius

    by slkboxrman

    umm, u are right sir...lol not familiar with it, if its a gag then i def got had...but seriously what the hell is sgt hulka, not familiar with that one either....u know , for future reference

  • May 3, 2007, 11:52 p.m. CST

    Madame Web in Spider-Man 4 please.

    by Boomers_Lips

    i like her. and Spider-Woman too.

  • May 4, 2007, 12:26 a.m. CST

    "and who the hell is "sgt.hulka" and why would i care"

    by DocPazuzu

    What you have done there, chief, is ensure that nobody on this site will ever take anything you say seriously. Ouch.

  • May 4, 2007, 12:27 a.m. CST

    Raimi treated Venom like piss.

    by darthbinks1220

    Subplots in order of importance: 1)Mary Jane 2) HobGob 3) Sandman 4) Gwen Stacey 5) Venom. Imagine Lucas focusing on 1)Maul 2) Sidious 3)Vader. Schumacher did the same fucking thing w/ Bane. That's it, I want a Bane/Venom crossover movie, damnit! lol:)

  • May 4, 2007, 12:46 a.m. CST

    I've been inoculated w/ more venom than in Spidey 3

    by darthbinks1220

    Okay "inoculate" may not be the appropriate term in this case, but you get the idea.

  • May 4, 2007, 1:45 a.m. CST

    Prof Onomaki, where my sainthood?

    by 9banned0.5furious

    You know the one I mean. <p>Deus seems angry at something and I don`t know why. Sure, much fun has been wiped out here by certain h*c* *r**er. Luckily we can allways count on double standards.

  • May 4, 2007, 2:57 a.m. CST

    What a horrible, horrible film

    by GregoryHarbin

    The first 45 minutes are amazing, and then the film becomes complete hell for about an hour, then is mildly tolerable until it finally ends.

  • May 4, 2007, 4:13 a.m. CST

    There's no way Moriarty is Cumpston

    by BondGayBond

    I'm sorry, but he's not that talented. You'll know Moriarty's 'voice' by the droll condescending obit's he puts out known as reviews. Although I will say Moriarty is the only reviewer on the site with taste.

  • May 4, 2007, 5:02 a.m. CST

    It's those silk boxers your wearing...

    by Onomaki Forp

    ...Chicks dig me, because I rarely wear underwear and When I do it's usually something unusual...

  • May 4, 2007, 5:05 a.m. CST

    If you was canonised before...

    by Onomaki Forp

    ...you still is. Has you seen the fake taint stalking around the TalkBacks?

  • May 4, 2007, 6:21 a.m. CST

    "inoculate" with venom may not be a bad idea...

    by Onomaki Forp

    ...check this out: http://www.livescience.com/humanbiology/070501_spider_venom.html No wonder Peter "started walking around like a black person"...

  • May 4, 2007, 6:27 a.m. CST

    Seen it and smelled it too...

    by 9banned0.5furious

    This site has been cleansed by the one we don`t dare speak off, or off we go, getting new email account:) Also it deteriorated to even lower standard then in January. I guess all this summer movies comming out must seriously suck. Judging from all the preplanning it had to be done for these damage control sorry excuses for a review. The spin is so hard on all upcoming movies, you can`t really make out the original shape anymore.

  • May 4, 2007, 6:35 a.m. CST

    9banned...

    by Onomaki Forp

    ...is it policy to send email telling culprit what his/her offence is? i never received one...but i had reason to believe that my former email provider refused any messages from here...so i'm not sure about this...

  • May 4, 2007, 6:46 a.m. CST

    No you Pazuzu`s bitch...

    by 9banned0.5furious

    I mean`t when you get banned you need to open a new email account to get new handle for aicn. And its not like you don`t know why you got banned when you call out the one we don`t dare mention, and proof him a not truth teller/insert word for **** writer/etc. <p>There is also the unbearable drama of upseting the children and industry professionals. Lets hope those are actually two different groups of people.

  • May 4, 2007, 7:16 a.m. CST

    Yes...had to be sure...it is you, St. 21sekam5dna5...

    by Onomaki Forp

    ...I just went back to look at that famous TalkBack about the Rollin Nads of Norrin Radd and it reads so one-sided now...

  • May 4, 2007, 7:26 a.m. CST

    Thank you for a great TB.

    by biggles2_22

    Especially you, slkboxers. Cumpston, this had to be the best and most dead-on review of a movie that I have ever read. Just remember TB'ers, there's a little Hulka in all of us! (sniff)

  • May 4, 2007, 7:55 a.m. CST

    aahhh, bad math guy

    by just pillow talk

    so you're only 1/2 as furious as others that have been banned? I still find it amusing that Prof I. is still accused of being Doc P's bitch.

  • May 4, 2007, 8:12 a.m. CST

    I think this "bitch" thing...

    by DocPazuzu

    ...came about during a TB flame war. As I recall, the epithet wasn't used in the "pwned" sense, but rather in the "crony" sense ("oh you're just one of Pazuzu's bitches"). While I can't recall ever being at odds with the good Professor, I'm pretty sure he's neither a "crony" nor been "pwned" by me. In fact, he probably got the label from someone whose ass he handed to him.

  • May 4, 2007, 8:27 a.m. CST

    You can still see the one-sided ass-handling...

    by Onomaki Forp

    ...as you yourself pointed out in the same old TB...*he* gets all anally when *he* loses his cool...As for all that...I've always considered it a bit of an honour to be your bitch...except I may be still someone else's sheep/product now...

  • May 4, 2007, 8:31 a.m. CST

    No...I will not be coy...

    by Onomaki Forp

    ...when I said *he* I meant BrokeSexyCowHorsewrecker/Zfzik'sButtBoyBack...but I think you sort of guessed that... (I'll bet there'll be some gaps in that ...)

  • May 4, 2007, 8:41 a.m. CST

    Yeah, I agree.

    by Mr. Nice Gaius

    On the "bitch thing" that is. And the anal approach is one of *his* go-to tactics.<P>Prof: my memory is a little fuzzy but I think I understand what you and 9banned are refering to. Your personal experiences aside, I wish someone would take out the current gaggle of catch-phrase poseurs who are turning TB into a cess pool these days. AICN needs an enema.

  • May 4, 2007, 8:42 a.m. CST

    ...back on topic...

    by Onomaki Forp

    Once when I was "visiting" Disney World...I looked in their local paper and saw one of the piss-poorest film critic's ever. Guy actually had the same name as a second rate James Bond. I discovered over the years that whenever i checked one could compare this guys reviews to those in a decent paper and find them to be polar opposites. (Once this asswipe reviewed a Takashi Miike film...and kept going on about "Korean Cinema" Yeah. I bet he thinks Fellini was French.) Anyway I've looked up his review of Spidey 3...and he gives it a bad review. Maybe...just maybe...(I'm probably wrong this time) ...this means this might be a decent picture after all...

  • May 4, 2007, 8:46 a.m. CST

    well...

    by just pillow talk

    here's what I expect: something in-between the first two films. I'm sure some parts will work fantastic, but since the common theme of reviews has been 'bloated', some parts will feel rushed and fail. I think I'll still enjoy the hell out of it, so I'm still looking forward to it.

  • May 4, 2007, 8:50 a.m. CST

    What to expect...

    by biggles2_22

    If you're expecting something between 1 & 2, you're going to laughing your ass off at the end of three. Do me a favor and post back here after you see it. You'll see how dead-on Cumpstons "mom" really is.

  • May 4, 2007, 8:53 a.m. CST

    biggles2_22 - absolutely

    by just pillow talk

    I definitely need to see it and form my own opinion as to where it rates against the previous two.

  • May 4, 2007, 9:02 a.m. CST

    OK MJ's singing in this was awesome, mr_sinister7381...

    by biggles2_22

    ...I have to admit. And Dark-Peters Mask routine in the Jazz bar was absolutely "SSSSSSSSMOKIN!". I agree with Cumpstons "mom" that they cut the dancing way too short and I found the action way too much of an interruption to all the weeping and drama. (By the way, dickwad, I'm being sarcastic. After you wikipedia what that word means, come back and re-read the review. Sheeesh!)

  • May 4, 2007, 9:02 a.m. CST

    I'll see it today if I can...

    by Onomaki Forp

    ...and post me thoughts here...if I thought I'd totally hate it I wouldn't bother spending the money. But as I said earlier I can get into the "old fuck" mind-set if I need to. If one must have a chronophilia then gerontophilia is the way to go... it's not illegal, you won't be branded a monster and get murdered by outraged convicts...you don't have to keep dumping your lovers because they grew up (although you may go through as many lovers...attrition's a bitch!)...and of course you keep inheriting money. What? That's not what you meant when you said Old Fucks? Never mind.

  • May 4, 2007, 9:11 a.m. CST

    re catchphrases

    by DocPazuzu

    I love 'em, love 'em to death. Until recently, that is. Back in the day, a true AICN catchphrase would come to life all on its own, a truly organic process. Nowadays, there's always some nimrod in every talkback trying to coin a new one, usually by using a sentence in the preceeding review or article. The result is that they die in the very same talkback or are zombied around by one or two diehards for a few weeks, annoying everyone else. An unfortunate side effect is that the really funny catchphrases never get a chance and are either lost in the white noise or never get picked up by more than a few, for fear of being considered one of "those guy". For example, I thought the laughing Kurt Russell thing was great and had real potential, but it was burned out within a couple of days. The true catchphrase artiste of AICN was Chaffro, God bless him wherever he is. Alas, I fear we will never see the likes of "has a beer and cheets", "has a bomb in his ribcage" or "sexiest tomboy beanpole" ever again. Like the good MNG said: enema time.... brother.

  • May 4, 2007, 9:12 a.m. CST

    Has this ever happened to you?

    by Onomaki Forp

    You post...then you can see your post...but when you click on your post its not there? Some kind of glitch I hopes...

  • May 4, 2007, 9:12 a.m. CST

    don't bother biggles...

    by just pillow talk

    he thinks Sam = Brent. He should talk with slkboxrman...

  • May 4, 2007, 9:13 a.m. CST

    that should be...

    by DocPazuzu

    ..."those guys".

  • May 4, 2007, 9:15 a.m. CST

    yup Prof I.

    by just pillow talk

    it's all about timing me thinks...<p>Or perhaps Hiro plucks them and brings them forward five years..

  • May 4, 2007, 9:16 a.m. CST

    (Coincidentally, the names of my belated tabbys!)

    by Lost Prophet

    I can't believe people didn't get this. <p>morons, you know who you are.

  • May 4, 2007, 9:18 a.m. CST

    just pillow talk

    by biggles2_22

    Thanks, I didn't realize that was the same nimrod (that I responded to in that TB). Shame on me for getting goaded.

  • May 4, 2007, 9:21 a.m. CST

    Yeah, the Kurt Russel thing had potential-

    by Lost Prophet

    Unlike that Shia bullshit BSB keeps whoring out. The last one that really made me laugh was Juggfuckling- but that got hammered into the ground too.

  • May 4, 2007, 9:30 a.m. CST

    Yackbacker comes out with some belters-

    by Lost Prophet

    Anyone else remember "catnip-tits"? that was funny.

  • May 4, 2007, 9:39 a.m. CST

    still is funny

    by just pillow talk

    considering that's the first time I heard it. Who was it in reference to?

  • May 4, 2007, 9:44 a.m. CST

    awww, slkboxrman stopped posting...

    by biggles2_22

    Oh well. He was fun while he lasted.

  • May 4, 2007, 9:45 a.m. CST

    It was the Mel Gibson drunken blunder

    by Lost Prophet

    Coupled with Cameron's Avatar and The MAN CATS- Mel allegedly called the policewoman "Sugar tits" so YB wrote a spoof calling her "catnip tits". I tried to find the Tb- but I think it may have died in the purge the other week

  • May 4, 2007, 9:49 a.m. CST

    aahh, that's even funnier

    by just pillow talk

    I could only imagine what the policewoman would have said if Mel called her "catnip-tits". I'm sure a much better reaction than the simple sugar tits name calling.

  • May 4, 2007, 9:52 a.m. CST

    I think (cos I can't find it)

    by Lost Prophet

    The whole spoof was that Mel was a MAN CAT that had been arrested. Fucking funny, anyway, although as it was a while ago may memory could be failing me.

  • May 4, 2007, 10 a.m. CST

    perhaps you should call

    by just pillow talk

    Sepulchrave cat-nip tits since he's your new special favorite person in the whole wide world...

  • May 4, 2007, 10:21 a.m. CST

    the twat.

    by Lost Prophet

    christ what an infantile way to respond to a legitimate criticism. You'd think I'd shot his dog.

  • May 4, 2007, 10:30 a.m. CST

    This reminds me

    by Lost Prophet

    The Evening Standard named AICN best site for demented film fans. <p>Spot on, there. Look at half the people that post- sheer lunatics, funny as fuck but obviously troubled.

  • May 4, 2007, 10:46 a.m. CST

    neills mom!

    by softie hotpants

    what is it about this family of hooligans that makes their movie reviews so dementedly endearing!?!??! Good stuff Mrs. C!!! maybe you and your boy could get your own site up and running and get sponsored by the makers of chainsaws and peanut butter and jelly!

  • May 4, 2007, 11:11 a.m. CST

    Yay us!

    by DocPazuzu

    http://tinyurl.com/3xpb7e <p> Keep bringing the madness!

  • May 4, 2007, 11:21 a.m. CST

    Whiney Fanboys

    by mightymouse1980

    I haven't seen this yet, I'm planning on going tonight. I want it to be good, but I'm prepared for it to suck. For for the suckage, I am prepared to blame... The legions of whiney fanboys who think it's their prerogative to tell movie producers and comic companies how to adapt a property and what to adapt. Hate to tell all you armchair script writers/directors out there, but there's a reason you and I are posting comments on message boards instead of making movies. You know what? You whined and cried and begged for Venom, even though its pretty well known that Raimi doesn't much like the character. Looks like we get the movie we deserve. Who knows if caving on Venom was Raimi's idea or the Sony's or Marvel Films. The point is, there was no guarantee about ever making a fourth movie, so someone felt that Venom should be crammed into a movie to appease those who would have stomped their feet and held their breath had he not been there. Never mind that his inclusion takes away from the Harry/Peter centric arc of the movies thus far. Nope, you have to get your "kewl" villain. Hope you're happy with yourselves. All you got was an overcrowded movie with a treatment of a villain you aren't going to be happy with.

  • May 4, 2007, 11:52 a.m. CST

    that's fantastic

    by just pillow talk

    who says hard work and dedication doesn't pay off!

  • May 4, 2007, 1:11 p.m. CST

    well someone had to say it ..its spoiler time people

    by RoboChop

    The movie begins with scenes from the previous 2 Spidey movies interspersed with the cast and some credits. Peter watches a Broadway production where his girlfriend, Mary Jane Watson, is the lead. He clearly enjoyed the production and says this much to MJ as they meet later backstage. Harry Osbourne watches the two from the balcony. The couple went for a date in Central Park where an alien life form attaches itself to Peter’s motorbike. The alien gets a lift back to Peter’s apartment. Flint Marko, an escaped convict, avoids the police as visits his sick daughter. It is obvious that the two are close and that is doubly hard on Flint. The movie shows that he is just another guy that fate is hard on. Police catch up Flint and he enters a restricted testing facility to avoid them. He is caught up in the experimental beams and his body turns to sand. Peter visits Aunt May and tells her that he plans to propose to MJ. Aunt May waxes nostalgic and brings up the fact that it would have been their 50th Anniversary had not Uncle Ben died. She gives Peter the engagement ring his Uncle gave his Aunt. On the way to MJ, Peter meets up with the Green Goblin 2 (Harry). The two battle it out, with Peter not doing much since he doesn’t want to hurt Harry. In the battle, Harry conks his head and suffers from short term memory loss. He remembers Peter as his friend and nothing about the Green Goblin. MJ suffers a setback as she was replaced as lead in the Broadway play. She tries to tell Peter, but he is giddy as Spidey is being appreciated by the City for his efforts and he has MJ as his girlfriend. MJ feels left off as Spidey goes off again for another rescue. Flint was recognized by the police and was chased. He becomes the Sandman and causes a tower crane to demolish a building. Spidey rescues his classmate, who was modeling there, and battles the Sandman. The Sandman escapes during the rescue. In a ceremony, Spidey is given the Key to the City. Rising to the occasion, he lets his classmate, the one he rescued earlier; kiss him with the famous kiss from Spidey 1. MJ gets upset and runs to Harry. During the ceremony, a sandstorm approaches and Spidey goes after the Sandman but the Sandman gets away. Back at the Daily Bugle, Eddie Brock is trying to sell J.J. Jameson some Spidey photos he took. Peter comes up and gives better looking shots from a better angle. Jameson promises a staff job to anyone who gives him pictures of Spidey doing something illegal. Peter brings MJ to a fancy restaurant where the planned proposal offer is complete with funny scenes and a rejection of Peter’s proposal. MJ is too upset about Peter giving the famous kiss, his feeling swell headed and his inability to listen to MJ’s troubles. Police calls up Peter and Aunt May and tell them that Flint is the actual shooter of Uncle Ben. The guy Spidey caught in Spidey 1 was just the accomplice. Peter is upset and monitors his police scanner closely for news of the Sandman. Peter falls asleep having nightmares of seeing his Uncle Ben being mercilessly shot down by Flint. The alien, creeps up to him and engulfs him. Spidey wakes up hanging upside down a building. His uniform is now black and he feels new strength and new life. Spidey rushes to a reported sandstorm and meets up with Sandman again. He destroys Brock’s camera before following Sandman who is escaping in the sewer. Spidey wants revenge for Uncle Ben’s killer and he is clearly more aggressive and stronger, thanks to his new suit. They battle it out in the New York Underground. Finally, Spidey washes Sandman down the sewer. Brock gets out a digital camera and start taking pictures of the surroundings. Peter provides his teacher with samples of the alien life form. His teacher studies it under a microscope and tells Peter that it may be a symbiont and very dangerous. MJ, feeling alone, calls up Harry who lets her visit his mansion. The two go on a ‘dinner date’ but MJ breaks it up after Harry kissed her. Harry, emotional after MJ left, suddenly remembers that Peter killed his father and that he must avenge him. He goes to MJ who he threatens to do him a ‘service’. MJ calls up Peter and meets with him in the park. There, she breaks off with him, under the watchful eyes of Harry. Peter and Harry later meet later in a café, with Peter not knowing Harry’s memory is back. Harry gives Peter the final push by telling him that it is now Harry and MJ because peter is too busy to listen to MJ. MJ was reduced to working as a singing waitress in a jazz bar. Peter loses it just as he leaves the café. Peter puts on the black suit and goes to Harry’s mansion. Against this souped up Spidey, Harry did not have a chance. Spidey tells Harry some harsh words which made Harry throw a bomb at him. Spidey throws back the bomb to Harry which explodes near Harry’s face. Peter’s teacher calls him and tells him the alien increases the strength and aggressiveness of its host, subjugating the host’s personality. Peter is already showing signs of the effects of the alien as he goes around New York in a sort of madcap daze. Peter sees fake photographs of Spidey being behind the heist where he fought the Sandman. He goes up to the Bugle where he sees Eddie Brock being the new staff photographer. Despite a silent plea from Brock, Peter gives evidence that proves Brock’s photos were fakes. Brock is fired and the Bugle issues an apology to Spiderman. Peter brings his classmate to the jazz club where he puts on a show to make MJ jealous. His classmate, however, sees the deception and apologizes to MJ. Peter goes berserk and accidentally hits MJ who was trying to stop him from beating up the club’s bouncers. The incident woke Peter to his senses. Spidey goes to a church where he is trying to take the alien suit off. He doesn’t succeed until his head bangs on the church bell. As the church bell tolls, Peter is rid of the suit. Eddie Brock, humiliated by Peter, goes to church where he prays for Peter’s demise. As the bell tolls, he hears screams. He goes under the bell and sees Peter removing the alien from him. The alien, however, goes to Brock who now becomes an evil incarnation of Spidey – Venom. Venom finds the Sandman and the two villains team up to fight Spidey. They kidnap MJ and hold her hostage as they issue a challenge to Spidey. Peter goes to Harry and asks for help as he could not do it alone. Harry rebuffs him, showing his badly scarred face. As Spidey leaves, Harry’s old butler reveals to him that Norman’s (Harry’s father) death wounds came from his glider, not from Spidey. Spidey enters the battle with a severe handicap. Venom has Spidey’s powers and knows his secrets and the Sandman is preventing police from interfering. Spidey is unable to rescue MJ and he is caught by Venom. While Spidey is being pounded by Sandman, the Green Goblin throws a bomb to Sandman’s head and it explodes. The two rescue MJ and rockets from Goblin’s glider render Sandman helpless. Venom has captured Spidey and Goblin sacrificed himself to prevent Spidey from being impaled by the glider. Spidey remembers that noises rattle the alien and he cages Venom with bars that make noisy vibrations when struck. As Spidey turns on the noise, he pulls Brock out and throws a bomb at the alien. As the bomb explodes, Brock enters the cage and gets caught up in the explosion. Both the alien and Brock disappear. Flint meets Spidey and tells him what really happened at the night of the shooting. A nervous Flint held a gun to calm Uncle Ben who is telling him to lay down his gun and go home. However, his accomplice suddenly appears from behind and bumps Flint. The gun goes off and Flint is horrified to see that he shot Uncle Ben. So horrified that he let his partner escape alone with the money. Peter forgives him and the Sandman drifts away. Spidey goes to Harry in time to see him die. However, Harry is happy that he has saved his best friends’ lives. Harry is buried and is mourned by his friends who owe him their lives. Peter goes back to the jazz club where MJ is singing ‘I don’t want to love anymore’. She doesn’t finish the song as Peter walks up to her and holds out his hand. Peter and MJ make up and start dancing.

  • May 4, 2007, 2:16 p.m. CST

    Oh shut the hell up, mightymouse1980

    by I Dunno

    First of all, I think the suits learned not to rely on internet fan boys for creative ideas. And even if they did, they didn't have to shoe-horn the character in such an afterthought way. The ratio between appearance on the merchandise and advertising vs actual screen time reached Darth Maul proportions, almost Darth Vader in Revenge of the Sith levels. You sound like a plant, blaming this movie's sucktitude on the fans.

  • May 4, 2007, 2:25 p.m. CST

    Nell Cumpston For Congress

    by uss cygnus

    Not since the late, great Warren Oates chewed out Roy Scheider for being a peeping Tom in a police helicopter in "Blue Thunder" with a young Daniel Stern by his side have I laughed so hard. Bravo, Sir/Ma'am.

  • May 4, 2007, 6:17 p.m. CST

    IKAMONO REVIEWS SPIDER-MAN 3 [SPOILAGE]

    by Onomaki Forp

    If anybody read my earlier post, I mentioned (not by name) a certain third-rate film critic whose negative review had given me hope for this movie. The theory being that this guy was so inept that if he didn't like it it had to be good. Well, his review was inept, (for example, he complained about "Harry's English Butler" being introduced just to provide exposition...I wonder if he saw the film at all or just compiled his review from *ahem* Internet fan forums. That butler was about as English as Kevin Federline's skinny white trash ass.) but it was more of a case of him disliking the film for the wrong reasons. The final line of his review was that the film had been reduced to being just a comic-book movie. If only that were true. I don't hate Spider-Man 3 but this is a terribly, terribly flawed movie. What really troubles me is that I can't help but wonder if this was deliberate. This movie seems to have been directed by more than one person...I don't just mean a second or third unit...it feels like two or three very different films rough hewn together. (yes I know, things are hewn apart not together...that's actually a Mike Myers reference that feels more accurate in this case) At times it is brilliant very much like the first two Spideys - then it morphs into something else entirely - a dreadful parody of itself. I suppose one could deconstruct this as a cinematic device underlining the personality conflicts within the characters, or it could actually be shitty, sloppy filmmaking, or a desperate attempt to get out of contractual obligation? You got me. But the "walks like a black person sequence" reads like a very bad parody of the Axe body spray campaign. You half expect one of the women Peter sexually harrasses om the street to stop, turn, and go "BOOM-CHIK-A-POW-POW". And the already infamous Jazz-Dance sequence... comparing it to The Mask is simply too kind. This entire sequence has no fucking place in this movie period. It's like putting a Monty Python sketch in the middle of Greek tragedy and not expecting anyone to notice. These two scenes are Superman IV Quest for Peace bad, are Supergirl bad. People complain about Topher Grace and Venom. But what got to me were Peter and Mary Jane. I thought Harry was the one with amnesia, but Tobey and Kristen act like they've never seen nor read the script for Spider-man 1 & 2. Mary Jane says to Peter "who are you" I found myself asking both of them that from start to finish. I'm afraid Mrs. C. is dead on the money when it comes to the crying and moping - and really stupid out of character behavior on the part of these two. And horrid plot holes, for example much is made of the fact that Mary Jane can't sing well enough for Broadway - But Peter's too much in love with her to realise she's not that good. Fine enough, but don't say her problem is she can't project past the front row. What year is this, 1935? I've been to a lot of Broadway musicals (big surprise there) and there hasn't been an actress who could project past the first few rows since Ethel Merman!!! (well, maybe Liza) That's why for nearly two decades now every singer on Broadway is miked! Also if I were madly in love with an actress on Broadway, (it could happen) so in love that I was getting ready to slip an engagement ring into her champagne in a fit of romantic twitterpation, you'd better believe that I would read the New York Times Arts Section every day just to read her name in the ad's - especially the weekend pages that would have ad's with her picture in. I would drive, or in this case websling past the theatre at least once a night to see her name up in lights...thats what lovers do. They don't not notice it when a leading lady gets replaced. Furthermore Mary Jane could not be a leading lady on Broadway without legions of gay friends, fans, and wannabes hanging around her and Peter. These guys gossip like no one else - boyfriend would have been told! Speaking of Family... My dear Mrs. C., that photographer did not set off my gaydar at all. But I'll excuse you as he was British, and we know that all brits seem gay to Texans. Even to sweet little old Texan ladies like yourself. Now the director and producer of Mary Jane's show, *they* were clearly gay. (musical showpeople gay? never.) But in another weird out of character moment, the one who seemed the most gay in the film was "emo" Peter. What? being evil, dark, and sinister - means turning metrosexual and acting snippy? If Peter's dark side came forth (couldn't say came out in this context. nope not gonna do it.) wouldn't it make more sense for it to be MORE "butch" like roid-rage biker aggro? But that's a small quibble...the whole Peter and Mary Jane's love life plot was just awful...long, boring sequences of characters being much stupider than they should be, missing the obvious, and behaving like they were in a third-rate telenovella. What did I like? There was a lot more action than Mother Cumpston led us to believe...and the best sequences were not the Peter and Harry fights (I say Peter and Harry, because not once does Spider-Man fight Harry...only "good Peter" and then "dark Peter")but the Sandman sequences. The armoured car scene was as good as any action in the first two films. The crane rescue was good, the Subway fight, the climactic battles, all well done. There were little bits I liked. When Peter tells Aunt May Spider-man killed the Sandman last night - there's this split-second "Oh God what have you done" look on her face that tells us what Peter has never gotten, that she clearly knows his secret. So does Robbie. Peter pouring sand out of his boot and mask after his first fight with Sandy. And Topher Grace as Eddie Brock/Venom. Yes, underused, but not utterly thrown aside and grotesquely misinterpreted as Bane was in Batman and Robin. I really liked the character defining moment where he looks up into the eyes of the crucified Saviour and says "Dear Lord, please kill Peter Parker." I would have liked to have seen more Venom, more Sandman, less Harry and Mary Jane. Gwen and Capt. Stacy are barely in the film, and I must say it will be truly surreal for long time Spidey fans to see them alive at Harry's funeral. Harry's death is no surprise at all...when early in the film he says about Peter and Mary Jane "I would die for them" You know before the film ends he will - it's just that obvious. I don't get the Gwen is fat complaints, she looked ok to me. Better than she did in either of her M. Night Sanjayalan films (Yes, yes that was indeed a very cheap shot...I just couldn't help myself) Now to what troubles me most... Sam Raimi is an accomplished director. You may not like his style, fine that's a question of taste - but he's a proven commodity, and he's shot two very successful Spidey films already. So what the fuck happened? "He didn't like the Venom character" you say...from here it looks like he no longer likes the Peter Parker character! He's not so naive as to not realise that lines like "I'm afraid I'll get bad reviews", "...tends to make it look bloated", and "No! Spider-Man! No!" spoken by a little boy who covers his eyes in disgust as Spidey kisses Gwen, are loaded guns he's handing to his critics. He might as well have had a character look into the camera and say "What a Bomb!" or "Dear Lord this stinks!" This has all the earmarks of, well, deliberate sabotage. I don't know if Raimi is sick and tired of Spider-Man, or feels constrained after having directed nothing but for more than seven years now. I can understand it if he wants to move on...and maybe...he feels that he has to give Sony a reason to let him do so. Again, this could be absolutely wrong - and the film may do great box office anyways - But all it has to do is NOT do as well as the first two...and Sam can get out of Spider-Man 4,5,6,7,8,9 infinity and make some other kinds of movies...I may not like this, but I can understand it. Finally my dear sweet old mother probably wouldn't have liked this any better than I did.

  • May 4, 2007, 6:27 p.m. CST

    Also If as Dr. Connors' said... (more spoilage)

    by Onomaki Forp

    ...that the symbiote must bond with another life-form or die, then why for the love of Jebus does it wait for days on end to pounce on Peter? And why does it move...*away* from Mary Jane when she is alone in the apartment with it? Does it not like girls? Then shouldn't "emo" Peter be repelling girls rather than attracting them as it's clearly implied? I think it's pretty obvious that "non-biologist" Connors will find the symbiote after latching on to some reptilian DNA will make him a mighty handy new arm...

  • May 4, 2007, 6:30 p.m. CST

    a disclaimer...

    by Onomaki Forp

    ...other than Mama Cumpston's and Roger Moore's (there I said it.) I have read no other reviews of Spider-Man 3, including those posted on this site...until now that is....I go to read Drew's.

  • May 4, 2007, 6:56 p.m. CST

    oh yeah...finally gots me fish tacos...

    by Onomaki Forp

    ...after the movie I see the Cheesecake Factory...an vaguely remembering theys gots some "Southwestern menu items" I looked to see if they had...Yes they did! Fish Tacos! in a resteraunt right next door to the theatre I just saw Spidey 3 in...I took it as an omen. So I go in and order them. Just them, no beer, or appetisers...good thing too...serving could've fed a small bear (no bear! no bear! oops wrong thread for that reference. ah what the hell, if anchorite swings by he'll get a larf.) really it was HUGE...no wonders Americans are becoming more and more morbidly obese...I'm not terribly thin myselves but I can't eat like this *with* a beer and appetiser and dessert. So I haves to skips dessert in the fucking Cheesecake Factory !!! Anyway the tacos were ok, maybe a little bland, too MOR for my tastes, and while i'm bloated from eating all this and thinking Maybe next time I *will* swing over by the Home Depot - in which neighborhood there are strangely enough little highly authentic Mom and Pops Mexican eateries (oooh anchorite won't like that)...it occurs to me sudden like, these tacos are just like Spider-Man 3, all bloated and with mild mahi to appeal to the most wide-spread tastes...rather than the wonderful, spicy, mysterious familia recipe tacos i could have got made with loving care by a wise old mamacita...

  • May 4, 2007, 7:05 p.m. CST

    Cumpston on Lynch

    by AllieJamison

    Cumpston (himself - no family members) should have reviewed Inland Empire.

  • May 5, 2007, 12:25 a.m. CST

    It's a shame Venom goes out like such a bitch

    by Darth_Gonz

    You'd think that Raimi wouldn't have given the biggest and baddest villain in the Spiderman universe such a Boba Fett-style death.

  • May 5, 2007, 3:53 a.m. CST

    spoiler about crying the movie.

    by Boomers_Lips

    seems like every character cried so damn much! way too much crying going on. they made me cry too!

  • May 5, 2007, 4:04 a.m. CST

    To all concerned: CATCHPHRASES

    by 9banned0.5furious

    they died or went the lame way about same time that he whose name we can not speak took issue and purged the hardworking offenders. <p> that same person did not purge lame offenders and purpetrators of repeating the lameos.

  • May 5, 2007, 7:16 a.m. CST

    9banned0.5furious...

    by Onomaki Forp

    ...perhaps i am less quick on the uptake than you think...but i'm not sure i know who you mean exactly by the Voldemortish "he who must not be named" sobriquet. my banning was i assumed, at the time due to my small part in the resurrectionism going on in the middle of january...bringing aicn face to face with its "glorious" past. my part was, however rather small, mostly i was cheering you and dorothy on. but there were other things i did just before the axe fell...i got into an exchange with tombodet about zfisk/homewrecker...he said something about this persona being a producer on a film called zoo. thus i refer to the troll now as "horsewrecker", but i never knew if tom was just being a smart ass..or if he had actual factual information about the real life indentity of zfzik troll. so after doing research...i named the producers one by one...(some of who were women) trying to see if i could narrow down the true troll. it may be i was banned for naming industry people and suggesting that one of them was a notorious anti-semite pro-jihadist psychopath...liability issues come to mind. also i don't know if this could possibly be the sin that drove the aicn watchwarden to cast me from "paradise", but just before i was banned...like mere hours...or maybe even minutes...i posted a pretentious statement in french denying the existance of god. if this is what banned me i must laugh...first because i do believe in god...and second because of the silliness of someone translating and then getting offended. but i don't have clue one who actually banned me... the most likely suspect is Drew McWeeny...who upon returning home from the uk most likely took one look at the anarchy going on with the ressurected talkbacks and said..."this must stop...heads must roll", granted the culprits who started it were not banned...only those who did not know... or care, when to stop. then again it could have been any one of the 8 watchwardens mentioned by Harry who banned me for any of the above reasons ...or for another reason that i have missed completely. (although the fact that 5and5makes12 and Dorothy's Taint were banned at about the same time suggests strongly to me that it was all about the shenanigans on the old talkbacks.) again i'm really unsure of what you're implying, do you suggest that moriarty is selectively banning people he doesn't like? or that harry is doing the same? i don't see how this can be since you have said that i have called this person out as a "not truth teller" i.e. a fucking no-good lying sumbitch...and to the best of my recollection i have NEVER even implied that about Drew, Harry or anyone else associated with running this site...No, I have only used such venom (see i mentioned Venom, therefore this post is NOT OFF-TOPIC!!!) in reference to worthless trolls...such as the aforementioned zfisk/homewrecker...who i now must mock by naming as zfzik/horsewrecker... and his bastard son the BrokeBackCowboy aka BriningSexyBack aka a bunch of other silly UserNames who smell the same...(of too much Axe body wash)...If one of those fucks is "HE who is not to be named" how the fuck could i have named him? as i don't actually know his name? and i rather doubt that the ranting trolls have such power here...so i don't actually get your conspiracy theory...we got banned for being silly in public...beyond the relatively low standards at aicn...we were made an example of...we're back, that is all. i see no need to try to foment revolution... i have never seen the administrators of this site as evil tyrants who must be brought down... no, my natural enemies here are ignorant fucks who post insulting and stupid bullshit... and horrible, horrible trolls... none of whom i fear to name...

  • May 5, 2007, 8:16 a.m. CST

    I hear you Prof...

    by 9banned0.5furious

    but is indeed the man from london, as you speculated in one of your speculations. And it was I who labeled him a not truth teller so it seem it all is quite cofusing right now. All this aside, there is a serious need to release A lot of VENOM(thanks for showing the way into topic) needed for Die Hard TB to stay in top ten, or is is 12, TB`s, with all this Spiderman 3: The Closet finaly got too small, wasting space with same posts by trolls and comicbook people who should not be listened too when they give opinions on cinema unless they prove their worth somehow.

  • May 5, 2007, 2:29 p.m. CST

    Best Review

    by TheJupiter

    It was the funniest and best fucking review I've read in a long time. So there.

  • May 6, 2007, 3:48 a.m. CST

    Spiderman 3

    by ThePilgrim

    Kutch Harder!

  • May 6, 2007, 6:10 a.m. CST

    Encore! Encore!

    by schnipple

    Best piece of literature I've ever read on this site. And thnx for the warning, Sony will not be getting $10 from me this summer...

  • May 6, 2007, 10:44 a.m. CST

    9banned0.5furious...

    by Onomaki Forp

    ...if your still about...howcum there is still a LuciferCat here???

  • May 6, 2007, 3:40 p.m. CST

    Patton Oswaldt?

    by Powers Boothe

    Pretty funny dude. Who knew?

  • May 6, 2007, 8 p.m. CST

    Sam Raimi's got the bad poops

    by kobain

    Damn it! watching that... movie(?) was a was hard labour... BORING BORING BORING. As I was coming back home I was thinking "what would have made a different an watchable movie?", well, the first thought that ran thorugh my head was "Kill that bitch MJ!" she brought the movie down BIG TIME. I DEMAND a Director's cut! I imagine Sam Raimi must be feeling the way Russel Mulcahy felt back in the 80's when they opened that turd, Highlander II! Please Sam, I beg of you... recut the movie!!! Have Peter fucking KILL MJ while being under the influence of the symbiote and make THAT be what makes you get rid of it... not a stupid little bitch slap in an emo-filled bar... PLEASE And PLEASE.... NO MORE SPIDERMAN for at least 10 years!

  • May 6, 2007, 10:35 p.m. CST

    Worthless review.

    by heyscot

    This review was worthless to me, in that the sarcasm wasn't funny nor was the critique of the movie helpful. It sounded like just another Internet hack writing it. The reviews written by the regulars at AICN are usually great and spot-on besides, but this review should've been tossed.

  • May 7, 2007, 12:37 a.m. CST

    'FIRST' ....................................... POSTERS

    by Red Dawn Don

    Your last girlfriend told me that was why she broke up with you. You're suppose to please your girlfriend "first" not yourself. Smarten up, idiot. And quit telling us what a "first" loser you are.

  • May 7, 2007, 4:14 p.m. CST

    This review was gold

    by thereviewer

    Comedy Gold!

  • May 8, 2007, 12:30 a.m. CST

    Patton...

    by Master Bruce

    fucking hilarious review my friend!...almost as funny as the time you dressed up in the Wolverine costume on Jimmy Kimmel Live! and promoted the Hulk movie...priceless.

  • May 8, 2007, 12:53 a.m. CST

    Spidey 3 Kicked all kinds of Ass!

    by tommyjenkins

    Okay, I just saw it you haters are all retarded. This movie was fantastic. It was as good as Spidey 2. Yes, neither Venom nor Sandman were as strong of villains as Doc Ock... But that was not the point of this!!! This was not, nor was it supposed to be a rehash of Spidey 2! The movie was about the role of human frailty and forgiveness in relationships. Now since none of you freaking geeks have ever even touched a girl, I'm sure that's why the Mary-Jane plotline was lost on you. And since none of you have friends, beyond the guys you yell at on Xbox live, the Harry storyline is also lost on you. It's no wonder this freakin' geek infested website is putting down SPidey 3. And by the way, the "emo" Peter Parker stuff was freakin HILARIOUS and effective. As was the part when he rubs Gwen in MJ's face. And ESPECIALLY the part when Peter rubs it into Harry's face how disappointing Harry was to his father.

  • May 8, 2007, 1:47 a.m. CST

    Brilliant review

    by Darth Thoth

    Hilarious

  • May 16, 2007, 4:24 a.m. CST

    m

    by lost.rules

    m