Hey, everyone. ”Moriarty” here.

There were more than just these two e-mails this weekend about the just-released novelization for FANTASTIC FOUR: RISE OF THE SILVER SURFER, but I thought these sort of summed up all the e-mails we got.

This first guy doesn’t really have a lot to say, but he answers some questions fans have been asking for a while:

Dear Harry,

How u doing? Great here. Just got finished reading the novel for FF4:raise of the silver surfer.And now we cue the music................

Liked

1.Doom-it would seem that we finally see Doom things that Doom should do Try to take over the world.

2.Galactus or should it be Gah Lak Tus. Yes it is a gaint storm think of the evil in the 5Th Element the book makes it work. I had a problem with a gaint man with a big purple helmet.The storm idea seems the best way to go with it.

3.Silver Surfer-kicks ass all i have to say.

Even

1.Sue-It would appear that Jessica Alba is the one who is the reason the surfer saves us all.(Did i just give away the ending)

Hated

1.Reed-the smartest man in the marvel universe is shown a little better in this outing still its predictable what is going to happen.If u have seen the previews u have seen most of his scences.

2.Ben Grimm-Oh dear god how can i make the thing worthless.This is how.He is given the shaft.

3.Johnny-The breakout star of the first.Is reduced to giving Sue most the screen time.Still has the best lines.

Okay now to the really hated part. A little background on me bare with me.I love the ultimate universe of marvel.They ran a mini-series about Galactus coming that universe it was written by Warren Ellis.Could have been better but it was alright. But to the point during a confrontation between Reed and Andre Baurgher's Character General Haeger They argue about working on the ball team and the general points out that Reed must not have played alot of ball as a tennager and all that and Reed responds by saying that "he was a good little nerd and studied but now i am the smartest man on the planet and dating the hottest woman on the planet.And the jock from high school is you asking this nerd for help to save the planet." Word for word from Ultimate Galactus. I Thought the balls on these guys but oh what the hell.

The books to most marvel novels follow the movies to letter except for X2 Jean's Death caught me off guard. If u are asking how i got the book my secret. If u post just call vemon51

Okay, that was pretty raw, so let’s take a look at this next guy’s reaction, which seems to take an even more critical stance on what he read:

Just thought I'd drop a quick note since I picked up the novelization of Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer, and decided to brush off my speed reading skills.

The spoiler-free version... I seem to remember the phrase "heart-breaking" being used to describe this sucker, and that's pretty close to the mark.

For those who don't mind spoilers, here we go:

It opens with Surfer coming to Earth, and Dr. Doom being awakened by the resulting cosmic energy trails.

Then the re-intro to the FF. Johnny is still a media whore, Reed is preoccupied with scientific pursuits, Sue might as well be invisible all of the time, and Ben is Ben. No real difference in anyone's character from the first movie, except Maybe Ben, who's now more comfortable as the Thing.

Anyway, at Reed's bachelor party, the military approaches Reed to build a tracking device to home in on the Surfer, who's been making strange craters.
Which somehow perturbs the military. Reed tells them no, but can't resist the temptation, and builds one anyway. Actually, he adds the Silver Surfer tracking function to his Blackberry.

Finally, Reed and Sues wedding, and this is the footage we've seen of the Torch chasing the Surfer. BTW, Johnny lands in Mexico, but unfortunately not in
a fireworks factory. Missed opportunity, won't be the last.

It turns out that contact with the Surfer has given Johnny the ability to switch out powers with the rest of the team. And, yes, when he switches powers with Sue, she burns her clothes off in public.

Then Doom tracks the Surfer to his lair in Greenland. Yes, the Silver Surfer has a lair in Greenland. Doom gets his ass handed to him.

Then Reed figures out how that the Surfer will next make a crater in London. The FF and the military get their asses handed to them.

Then Doom makes a deal with the military to help in capturing the Surfer. At least I assume a deal was made, since Doom was responsible for at least two
murders and at least four attempted murders, not to mention firing a missile launcher within city limits. So, yeah, a deal was never mentioned. But Doom has figured out that the Surfer gets his energy from his board, and all they have to do is separate him from said board, and he's helpless.

With Doom and the FF working together (though the FF do most of the work, of course), they capture the Surfer and take his board away. They take him to a
Secret Government Installation, where they lock his board in the closet. Meanwhile, Reed has figured out that the Surfer has been to quite a few other planets, planets that have died eight days after he arrived. and the Surfer's been on Earth six days already. Which somehow reminded me of that old line, I'm here to chew bubblegum and kick ass, and I'm all out of bubblegum.

Anyway, Doom jacks the surfboard and blows that pop stand. The FF break the Surfer out of his cell. Reed summons the Fantasticar. We get the Dodge product
tie-in, even in the novelization. And one for Hemi, too.

And then you have the climatic battle between Surfin' Doom and the FF. Sue gets killed by one of Doom's liquid metal spears he can now shoot from his hand
(since he's surfing). Johnny defeats Doom by -for all intent and purpose- turning into Super-Skrull and using all of the FF's powers against him. By himself. Thus negating the purpose of a team. But Sue's not too dead, since the Surfer re-animates her.

You may have noticed I haven't mentioned the big G yet. That's because I'm a tease. And so is this story.

1. They go with the Ultimate spelling, since it's Gah Lak Tus. Though they mainly go with Destroyer in the book.

2. The whole Gah Lak Tus backstory is told to Sue via hologram, a'la the bracelet in Mummy Returns.

3. Gah Lak Tus takes the form of..........

............wait for it........

......... a cloud.

Not a cirrus, mind you, but more like the cloud at the end of Ghostbusters.

4. And Gah Lak Tus is driven away by.........

............wait for it.........

......... the Surfer flying through the center of the cloud.

And then Reed and Sue get married. Cut. Print. It's a wrap.

Look, there's no two ways about it, this sucker sucks, even taking into account possible differences between the movie and the novelization. Too much time is wasted on the false conflict between Sue and Reed (she wants a family, he wants to be sciency >sob< what can they do?). They've continued the face-raping of Dr. Doom. Chris Evans looks like Zach Braff on the book cover.

Looking on the bright side, there is some borderline funny stuff early on with Johnny and Ben doing wedding stuff, and the Silver Surfer stuff does kick ass. And Doom surfs.

I've never read the original or Ultimate Galactus storylines, so if Doom surfing is canon, I'm sorry. I don't mean to ridicule it. I can see Jack Kirby and Stan Lee pulling it off. Tim Story? Not so much.

The bitch of it all, though... as bad as this is, I want it to do well, so we'll get a Silver Surfer movie.

That's that. If you decide to use this, call me Bubo