Ahoy, squirts! Quint here. I’m sorry if this first part comes off as angry, but I have to admit I’m writing this a little pissed off. Maybe more than a little.

I went to see VACANCY tonight at the Regal Metropolitan, a theater I’ve been frequenting since it opened, both as a member of the local press and just a regular film fan. It’s one of my favorite chain theaters in town.

I’ve been meaning to write an editorial on this for a while. I almost did it in my ShoWest coverage, but that was getting whiney enough. So let me do it now.

ShoWest is for theater owners, right? They discuss the newest technologies, digital cinema, 3-D, new concessions, better seats, piracy, home video… They spend 4 days talking about that stuff and how to get people to keep coming to the theater.

I wanted to stand up and shout, while all the theater owners were around, that the answer is simple. Enforce your no talking policy. Simple as that. Kick the assholes who talk out of the theater.

That’ll solve much of your attendance problems right there.

And you don’t have to take my word for it. Entertainment Weekly recently ran a poll asking what keeps you away from the theater. It wasn’t the convenience of DVD. It wasn’t the ticket prices. It wasn’t the concession prices. The overwhelming majority said it was because people talk through the movie.

Case in point… tonight. VACANCY. I should have known it was going to start off badly when the radio guy from Hot 93.3, a sponsor of the screening told the audience that since the screening was free we need to give the mothers of the crying babies some room, give them time to calm the child down.

Someone in the audience said back, “Yeah, they can have time to take them to the lobby.” A lot of the audience voiced approval and the radio guy responded with something like, “Seriously… just give them some time. You didn’t pay anything to be here, so just give them some time.”

Let’s try to find how many things are wrong with that statement. One, the film is a horror movie rated R. In a perfect world families wouldn’t be bringing their toddlers to this movie in the first place. This isn’t an animated Disney flick where you expect to run into some young kids.

What does it matter if the screening was free or not? I give up my right to enjoy the film if I go to a free screening? Which is also, by the way, my job. To watch these movies early. I’m sure the other dozen press in attendance appreciated some radio DJ telling everybody it’s okay to make noise during the screening because it was free.

The biggest trouble with this guy’s statement wasn’t mommy with her baby. It gave a license to anybody who wanted to talk, hold conversations with their friends and family.

Almost immediately, the group behind me started talking. This was a middle aged father, his 30s or older daughter and two others… could be friends of more relations. I never found out.

The talking didn’t end when the lights went down. Their voices didn’t lower or stop when the RESIDENT EVIL 3 trailer played. They kept on having their conversation when the opening credits for VACANCY started.

I shot them a look. They saw me, but kept talking at normal volume. I said, “Please stop talking,” about 10 seconds later. The conversation didn’t even falter. I waited another 5 seconds before I said, “Shut the fuck up.”

This time they stopped their conversation and the father turned to me and said, “Just turn around.” I said back, “Just stop talking.” He then said, “Don’t you curse at my daughter.” I said, “I said shut the fuck up to you, but whatever. Learn how to watch a movie.”

The guy wouldn’t let it go and started puffing up, telling me to mind my own business. My buddy, Kraken, at this point piped up and told them to stop talking so we could watch the movie, still in the credits. He got lip back and said, “Fuck this. I’m going to get a manager.” And left.

Suddenly the group behind me silenced, finally. Kraken returned with the manager and the guys behind us were like, “We didn’t do anything… we weren’t talking!” and the manager said she’d be keeping an eye on them, but didn’t do anything.

So, for the rest of the movie I had to listen to them say muddled insults under their breaths and rustle their plastic bags (for their snuck in food) dramatically for 20 seconds at a time.

Of course all this stopped every time the manager walked by…

It’s sad to me that if the manager had known they snuck food in, then they might have stood a chance at being removed from the screening, but not when they disrupted the movie.

This is the heart of the problem right here. These people know they can treat theaters like their living rooms, forget about any semblance of common decency because the theaters won’t enforce their no talking policy.

Theater owners… there’s a reason the Alamo Drafthouse is world-known, why it has been voted best theater in America. Their programming is part of it. The concept of serving food and beer while watching a movie… that’s part of it. But a big part of it is that they actually enforce their no talking policy. You know when you go to the Alamo that if someone is loud, it’s as easy as letting the management know and the problem is solved. Same goes for the Arclight in LA, also one of the top theaters in the country.

If some of these chains can get their shit together and actually enforce their own policies maybe that might draw some people back to the theater. I’m talking to you Regal, Cinemark and AMC. I’ve had these problems in all your theaters.

It’s such a small minority that act this way and they only do it because they get away with it.

It should be one strike you’re out. No refunds. You know, like they used to do it before they stopped giving a shit about the show and experience of going to the cinema.

It might mean hiring a couple more people per theater, it might mean being vigilant, it might mean a manager has to have the sack to confront these people, but I guarantee you that if the major chains began enforcing their own policies you’d see a rapid decline in chit-chatting and an increase of people wanting to go out and have that theater experience again.

Piracy gets all the attention, but here in the States I firmly believe that something as simple as people talking during movies serves as a bigger threat to theater attendance. I love movies. I love going to the movies, but even I am getting dangerously close to the point where the only movies I’ll see theatrically now are in a theater like the Alamo that enforces their own damn policies.

Despite all that shit, despite the under-the-breath threats and the rustling bags and being aware that the dicks behind me were trying to get under my skin, I still enjoyed VACANCY. I don’t know how much more glowing a review you can get.

I need to watch it again, when I’m not so pissed, but I was pleasantly surprised.

If you haven’t seen the trailer… don’t. It’s a decent trailer, but it does overplay its hand, showing way too much of the movie. I was worried that the trailer was going to leave nothing new to see in the flick, but thankfully that wasn’t the case.

All you really need to know about this movie is that Luke Wilson and Kate Beckinsale play a couple who have car trouble in the middle of nowhere. It’s just a device to get them into this creepy motel run by the creepy Frank Whaley (SWIMMING WITH SHARKS and PULP FICTION).

The bickering couple check into one of the rooms, waiting for a mechanic to arrive in the morning.

They quickly discover some tapes and realize that it’s not just some horror movie on these unmarked tapes, but snuff films. Not just snuff films, but snuff films set in the very room they’re in.

The shit hits the fan and it’s a struggle for survival for this couple.

Directed by Nimrod Antel, who directed the Hungarian flick KONTROLL, a movie I haven’t seen yet, but I’ve heard nothing but great things about, does a great job at building the tension with little more than mystery, sound design and atmosphere.

Mark Smith, a fairly new screenwriter, crafted a fine thriller. It’s not flawless. There are points where the characters do some stupid things or, even worse, don’t do obvious things. For instance… you see this snuff film, you find cameras in your room, you’re under attack… you don’t take out the cameras? Why not?

Sure, they come into play later in the movie, but I just know if it was me they’d be gone first thing.

Some of the character dialog between Wilson and Beckinsale is weak, too forced. You can just feel Smith wanting to fit in a backstory for these characters and it just comes out awkward and at unrealistic moments.

But the biggest compliment I can give to Smith is that he took a great central concept and lived up to it for the majority of the movie.

Wilson and Beckinsale do well in their roles. You root for them to get out or outsmart the baddies despite the forced backstory part. Just their reaction to the situation, their natural dialog… they’re likable people. You don’t want to see them go out like the poor bastards on the video tapes.

It’s a strong thriller and I think it’s going to do very well, despite the crowded weekend. I like HOT FUZZ more, and if I were going to recommend one movie this weekend I’d send you to FUZZ, but I can’t knock on VACANCY. I also quite liked FRACTURE, but it’s the weakest of the three movies… worth seeing just for Ryan Gosling and Anthony Hopkins playing mind-games. And IN THE LAND OF WOMEN was also a movie I quite enjoyed. Like I said, crowded weekend.

If VACANCY was the norm for studio thrillers, we’d be sitting pretty.

After the movie, the douches behind me left and made little “cry-baby” gestures at Kraken and me as they exited the theater. They can be happy all they want, but they never did finish their conversation.

To be clear, Hai, the studio rep, was balancing two different screenings and said that if he had heard them or even been approached with my complaint instead of the Metro's manager, then the tools would have been asked to leave.

I don’t think the studios want people talking during the movies. I don’t think the filmmakers want people talking during the movies. I lay all the fault at the feet of the theater managers. They hold all the power here and they choose to let things lie.

Then they complain about a drop-off in attendance.

-Quint
quint@aintitcool.com