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DESERT BLUE -- SXSW Opening Night
Alrighty folks... Day one of SOUTH BY
SOUTHWEST... I’m drunk as hell right now, but
I’m going to attempt to somehow express to you how
the evening and day went. I’ve had in excess of 14
hard liquior drinks (Crown and Coke and Jack and
Coke), two glasses of Merlot and a really great dark
beer that I’m unfamiliar with that had VOODOO in
the title.
Now if everything follows form, beings that I’m
drunk, my writing and spelling should be better than
usual. Though... because I just pointed it out, this
will probably be the exception.
SXSW....
A year ago at this festival is when I began to be
entranced by the elegant Annette Kellerman, and
became good good friends with Tom Joad. Inevitably
I will have further friendships occur here and now.
We’ll see how it goes.
The day started with a rush on getting our badges at
registration. This is akin to College Registration... if
you are familiar with that process, then you’d be
familiar with this one. Confused folks lining up in
front of the clearly marked booths and being
frustrated at every itsy bitsy detail.
I feel for the folks running registration. You can
watch them looking at the folks... trying to be
sympathetic, trying to rush things along... but there
are hundreds and thousands of people getting their
badges... Every other one has questions and/or
problems. The patience of Job is what is needed
here, and me... I’d just be rude... say “Fuck it” and
walk away. My patience has boundries and the
couple of quite rude folks that tried to bully and brow
beat a couple of the registration folks was... well..
uncalled for.
After that we got our badges and the BAGS... NO...
no Mystery Men t-shirts or HAUNTING OF HILL
HOUSE nightlights you evil bastard.... Nope...
instead we got every film magazine known to man,
we got cds upon cds of hours and hours of music.
Screen Actors Guild flashlight pens, and a coupon for
the local titty bar... Wow... everything you’d need.
After the badges, Annette, Tom Joad, Father Geek
and myself went over to IRONWORKS, one of the
best bar-b-que joints in existance and as we ate we
bowed our heads in silence in memorial to Moriarty,
2nd Brain, Salma Stalker and Free Rider... All of
which where victimized by the ‘CLOSED SUNDAY’
sign the last day they were here.
After that, Father Geek and I went to a place called
Tesoros to check out a vintage Mexican Movie Poster
sale (and Cuban posters as well). Gorgeous images,
Luis Bunuel films, Cantinflas, and on and on... But...
well we had our hearts set on an EL SANTO poster...
So when I spied a whole bunch of Mexican Wrestler
masks... well... I had to possess one. You see, I sport
a physique not unlike TOR JOHNSON, who died the
day I was born... and George “The Animal” Steele
(sans the insane amount of body hair) I would look
funky as hell with this mask... and You’ll be hearing
more about this mask during SXSW...
Next I did a few interviews about South By
Southwest with the local media. I do my best, but
really... I was anxious to get back in line... You see,
the Line People were in a talkative, playful mood... as
was I.
One fella had drove from Maryland to attend, another
was a friend I hadn’t seen since RoRo and I went to
that Nudist Reunion thing about 2 years ago.
Ahhhhh, this was all getting very strange.
Robogeek and Johnny Wad were there, but
strangely... Mysteriously... Annette Kellerman and
Tom Joad were... missing... Hmmmmmmm....
Annette was probably sparring with a gang of Triad
Water Assassins while Joad was off in some damn
orange grove somewhere.
The movie we were waiting on was DESERT
BLUE...
Why would we line up for a movie called DESERT
BLUE? Well... Did you see HURRICANE
STREETS? If not, well go rent it, but if you did, then
you are familiar with the fantastic work of Morgan J
Freeman (no he was not the actor in GLORY or
DEEP IMPACT or SEVEN... he’s a director/writer).
Morgan did a great job with HURRICANE
STREETS which was shot gorgeously by Enrique
Chediak (who also shot THE FACULTY among
other films).
Well, DESERT BLUE starred Christina Ricci,
Brendan Sexton III, Kate Hudson, John Heard, Casey
Affleck, Sara Gilbert and the ubercool Michael
Ironside... Definately a possibly cool ensemble cast,
but... Well Freeman was faced with the blunderous
wall known as the SOPHMORE JINX. This film... as
a basic rule must suck. It’s a rule.
As the doors opened and we filed into the gorgeous
PARAMOUNT theater... yes, that very same Magic
theater I mentioned a few weeks ago, those silver
haired ladies that usher you through this grand dame
of a theater... Well they all came up thanking me as
though I kept a wrecking ball from hitting this place.
In reality... it was just that EDtv coverage and letter
to Ron Howard... Apparently they felt it made a
difference and spoke out and defended this, the most
singularly sacred film building in Austin (though if
the Paramount is HOUDINI... the Alamo is our David
Copperfield... both magic, but one with the ages and
the other... one for the future.)
Anyway, we run down to our typical seats, and...
stake out the claim for our missing in action
compadres. I eager as hell to see this movie. I met
the director out in Rotterdam during my journeys out
there... I was supposed to catch his film, but... BUT I
was having so much fun with THE BEAST, and
Truffaut’s readers from FAHRENHEIT 451... The
great Dutch beer and company just thrilled me and... I
forgot.
But that wasn’t the case here. This was the movie
that was kicking off the 6th Annual SXSW film
festival... I’d be damned if I missed it.
After the whole crew arrived (including Quint,
Annette, Tom Joad, Father Geek, Robogeek, The
Waif One and Johnny Wad) we bowed our heads in
silence for... Copernicus, who’s dedication to the
heavens has called upon him to observe the mysteries
of the universe many hundred miles away... As we
speak. It’s ok Copernicus... you would have hated
tonight... surely you would have...
The first person to appear on stage was Louis Black
the Andy Hardy of this here show called SXSW. He
started in about how Nancy Schafer (the Cattle Queen
of the film fest) insisted that he watch this movie. He
responded with, “Ya know Nancy, we run this lil
paper here called the Chronicle,” which illicited a
giggle or two from me. He then began roasting her a
bit for ‘always being on vacation’. But... well she
was dead on right about this film he said.
“Imagine if SLACKER was directed by Preston
Sturges...” Hmmm... that’s an odd description, but
then Louis went into how it was hard to describe good
Independent films cause they aren’t as easily
reduciable to a “Die Hard on a Ski-Lift” mentality.
Next he introduced the director... Morgan J Freeman.
He came out in all black (jeans and t-shirt) with black
spiked hair. I giggled a bit as he was trying to block
the rays of light shining into his face like his name
was LAURA... He went on to tell us how the film
was set in the desert... but in reality it was a mere 5
degrees Fahrenheit and in the 8 hours of sunlight they
had each day, they spent four of that shoveling snow
out of the way and laying fresh... desert down for the
audience.
They did a beautiful job, but before I get to that
Morgan introduced his cast... well at least the ones
that came... Isidra Vega, Ethan Suplee, Sara Gilbert
and Brendan Sexton III...
THen he pretty much left the stage to let the film
start..
DESERT BLUE...
This movie doesn’t hit till June or so of this year. It
doesn’t have a bunch of BIG STARS, but it does
have alot of a bunch of folks that well... they are
future stars...
The movie is set in the wacky town of Baxter,
California... an old semi-ghost town that is now kept
alive by... THE WORLD’S LARGEST ICE CREAM
CONE... an attraction that brings in dozens a year to
this little out of the way place.
About this point I began to realize... that the group of
girls sitting behind me are literally the worst forms of
human skin the world is familiar with.... They were
the people best described as, “the assholes that read
OUT LOUD every bit of text on screen, then carry on
a giggly conversation about it on account of how
brilliant they were!”
You are familiar with this hideous being, I believe the
Latin name is, Homo Loudmoutphien.
I loved just about everyone in this film... They all do
a super job.. though the stand outs would have to be
Christina Ricci, Kate Hudson, Casey Affleck and
Brendan Sexton III.
To describe this film would be to do it injustice. It’s
the movie that GO tries sooooooo hard to be, it’s the
movie that kind of mixes some Coen Brothers
sensibilities with a John Huges formula with a tad of
GIANT and OUTBREAK and you’ve got a great
concept of what is happening with this film.
The dialogue... on paper (looking at my notes here)
doesn’t read that funny... but the timing and tone of
the delivery is just dead on. Especially Casey Affleck
who delivers one line in particular that me and all my
friends are saying to one another.... When you see this
baby you’ll know what I’m talking about.
Christina Ricci’s speech about an Olympic Bombing
Event is so fucking funny that you’ll just about start
pissing yourself. So use the restroom BEFORE the
movie... it’s not long... but it will cause you to squirt
if you aren’t careful... not pointing at Quint.... I
swear... Quint didn’t squirt himself.
After the film, we went over to JAZZ’s for the
DESERT BLUE party... and looky there... it was a
freakin’ open bar. We grabbed a table, gathered
about and just proceeded to get SHIT-FACED.
As the night went on, I noticed that the women I
talked to continued to all be beautiful. Usually
Annette is the only illuminated movie starlet at the
table, but... Well... they kept showing up, one after
another.... And the more and more I drank the
friendlier the bathroom became. There is nothing like
using a toilet so often you give it a name... I called
the toilet Farrell... I used Farrell all night long, as did
everyone else. So I’d just like to think that porcelean
beauty.... Farrell... thanks for the gulping... you made
the party cooler.
Anyway, we anchored our table, listened to the
multiple bands as our muscle control started slipping.
Tom Joad was jelly legged, Annette pulled a Ruby
Keeler... for me... it was just the beginning of this first
lost weekend of SXSW....
As for Desert Blue... check it out, you’ll like it, the
soundtrack is pretty damn cool, and the film is hitting
in June. Later...
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+ Expand All
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Hmm....it SEEMS at least that I'm the first poster. Kick-ass. Anyway. Interesting review, Harry. But, I got one itty bitty question: Around the end of this, you were actin' a bit strange. Care to explain? Oh boy, am I gonna get flamed for asking a dumb-ass question.
Anyway, film sounds interesting. I GUESS I can wait to see it. -
you only notice them in the good films. I'm putting forward that I had the worst EVER when I saw the Thin Red Line. Some examples, "Oh my god he's got a gun", "Why does that voice keep coming on?" and my personal favourite "EEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKK!!!"
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Couldn't agree more that it's always the good movies you notice them in. How about the annoying (obviously non-movie buffs) who arrive just as the films starts and say "Good timing" as the usher shines a light in your face and you realise they're going to sit next to you? And then the very same people proceed to open a huge bag of noisy popcorn at an incredibly important and poignant point in the movie (in my case Giovanni Ribisi's death in Saving Private Ryan)? Or the people who noisily charge round changing seats three times mid-movie? Or the people who throw their head back with their popcorn tub to get the last bits not thinking that they're obscuring the person behind's view? Or there's the people who talk through the Star Wars trailer which we all know is sacrilege....Does anyone else have these problems or is just me?!
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Great moments in cinema history will now be interrupted by the nerve racking beeping of a pager or ring of a cel phone. Its time for theaters to post a sign at the entrance "please turn your toys off". As for the teenage girls, we need theaters to have teenage or non teenage room. Never see a horror film on a Friday or Saturday night, or be ready to hear endless shreaks and giggles, its beyond disturrbing. And when a song comes on, get ready for the girls to sing along. I hope this was brought up to the theater owners at showest. Is there a great place to see a movie with no beeping, giggling, singing, popcorn crunching? Yes, its called video, and as much as I love the theater, no respect clones are pushing me away.
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Mar 14, 1999 10:06:00 AM CST
To the people who almost ALWAYS seem to be behind me: "Please, P
by palegreenstar
Although I have been through this experience seemingly countless times, two experiences stick out from the pack.
1) William Shakespeare's Romeo + Juliet - First time I saw it the theatre was packed with teenage Leomongers. During the end sequence in the church, not one, but TWO idiodic comments were made from behind me. The first occurred when Romeo breaks off his necklace with his wedding ring on it to place the ring on the "dead" Juliet's finger. The moment he snapped the necklace, the three girls behind me simultaneously uttered, "OUCH!", and proceeded to giggle. As IF that weren't bad enough, these same girls proceeded to laugh when Juliet wakes up to find Romeo dead, and lets out those huge sobs that echo throughout the empty church. These girls found those sobs FUNNY, and laughed their asses off during perhaps the most meaningful part of the film. (After the film, I overheard such intelligent comments from passersby, such as "Damn, that was despressing," and, "Why did you spoil the end for me?")
2) Buffalo 66 - The man behind me felt it necessary to explain every plot point to his wife in detail as the film was happening. I shot him several prolonged, nasty glances, but toward the end I could no longer contain myself. During the "dream sequence" at the end, with the stills of what would happen if he really DID shoot that football player, this jerkoff behind me opens his mouth while EVERYONE ELSE in the packed house is SILENT. I didn't even wait to hear whatever the fuck he was going to say. I turned around and SHUSHED him. The best part was, he looked SO taken aback, like he was thinking, "What the hell is YOUR problem?" MY PROBLEM??? argh..... -
The only thing that is more annoying than people who talk and giggle at the movies are people who have to constantly brag about how drunk they are and how much they've had to drink. They think they are damn cool, but really they are just being moronic and puerile. Harry should go back and read his comments so he can see just how stupid he sounded to the readers. I could care less if you drink, everybody does. But who gives a shit if you're drunk? And you don't have to say it 50 times.
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Sounds like fun. Getting drunk every once in awhile is cool. It gives you the chance to go out with some friends you haven't seen in awhile and just get stoopid. Some of the peoples on this board may look not too fondly down upon your drunken endeavors. Screw 'em. They're the same people-like one of my friends who refuses to do cool social stuff with my more outgoing and debaucherous crowd, who say "oh, I can't go out, I'm tired" or "X-Files is on". Puh-LEASE!! This particular friend will not step foot in anywhere that serves alkihall. And he's 22!! He just would rather sit at home and grow fat, lazy, and lonely while us others go out and have a great, adventurous time. And he looks down on us cuz we do cool stuff. He sucks.
Anyway, that there show sounds nifty. SXSW is what it's called? Is it just like a Sundance or Cannes or something? Pardon my ignorance, but I live over here in the goddamn bible belt south, where art and the various such is placed on a much lower pedestial than fishin', Jeff Gordon, and football man. We don't have ushers in our crappy theatres; we just have overcrowded, undersized TV Rooms that need no ushering. This place is pathetic. I wanna move somewhere far, far away. Thx for the cool ass story, Har... -
Did anyone also waste his/her time reading this crap?. Why should anyone would like to write this or even worst to post it?. BLAAAAAH!
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Back to those bastards who ruin almost every movie I've gone to see in the past few years. I can't have enough chances to complain about these fools who make ADD come off like the odd daydreaming episode. I guess going to the movies is PURELY a social event for a lot of people. They just don't give a damn about what's on the screen because that's not the reason why they're there. The latest annoyance in Oakland is the laser-pointer freaks who think it's cool to beam lights on the screen and into the faces of other theater-goers. They do eventually get kicked out for doing this, but that doesn't stop them from doing it for as long as they can. Then there was my most recent annoying event, when I went to see Elizabeth. I entered the theater, looked around, and was pleased to see an educated-looking, older couple, and two other single movie-goers. Okay. These people will obviously just watch the movie. Then, lo and behold, in comes this ratty-haired granola-eater and her movie companion, who -- of course -- proceed to sit down next to me in the near-empty theater, and these two mid-fifties, QVC-chic women with poofy pseudo-behives. The granola woman proceeds to unwrap and carefully eat a Hagen-Daz bar, rattling all the way,as she tries to control the nasty case of whooping cough she apparently picked up at the co-op, then TAKES OFF HER SHOES and drapes her sockfeet over the chair in front of her, telling the young woman in front of her "oh- you're okay" when she turns around to stare at this tube-socked intrusion into her personal space. Every time the action gets a little violent one of the QVC women has to make a loud comment to the other one. Things like: "Oh what a horrible way to go!" when some protestants get burned at the stake in the opening scene, resound through the theater (at least she was into the movie). Then, there's the constant chatter from Ms. Messy Hair every time the dialog slows down. She leans into her movie companion's ear and begins a conversation that doesn't let up until the dialog starts up again. How can people like this believe they actually went to see a movie? They had a conversation in a movie theater while there happened to be something moving across the screen. I'm sure she'll tell all her friends about going to see Elizabeth, and relay all kinds of details that will spoil it for them. Nothing, however, will match the nine-year-old kid who laughed all the way through Saving Private Ryan. I watch as much as I can on video nowadays.
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One of the great things about seeing a movie in the theater is being able to see it with an audience, unless some people in the audience are idiots, which they are way too often. Last week I say Analyze This. It is fairly funny, but in the row behind me some woman laughed very loudly throughout the entire movie. She laughed at everything, even things that weren't intended to be funny, and she laughed for at least 30 seconds at each joke. After the movie ended, I looked to see who the laugher was, and it was this old white lady who you'd think had some sense. Also, I wonder why her husband goes to movies with her. I know some people who turn into giant assholes while watching a movie, and I avoid going to movies with them. Why can't he?
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I had kinda the opposite thing happen to me when I saw Analyze This. The theater was pretty full (especially for a weeknight), and no one was obnoxious at all. However, a kind of unnerving thing happened. My friend, husband, and I were the ONLY ones in the theater who laughed at the little Godfather satire. What was worse was that we started laughing before it even got to the point where Billy Crystal says "I'm gonna get some fruit." The funny thing is that the silence in the theater still speaks to the fact that film audiences seem to be getting, well... funky. I don't know how to put it. It was just odd. I mean, it was an okay movie, nothing sidesplitting, but you'd think... ah well, fuck it.
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1) I have no problems with Harry talking about being drunk. He's merely describing what happened. If he was drunk, he was drunk. I didn't think it was overly stated, but illustrated the progression from sober to the far end of the spectrum. It was descriptive. Get over it, poster.
2) Thankfully, I have lately been spared from retardo movie goers. The last one though, is what I consider to be one of the worst kind. The "I have no concept of what wispering is, so I will speak at my normal decibel level through out the film" guy. He happened to be with his wife and appx. 12 year old daughter. The film was Shakespeare in Love, which had some pretty raucous scenes that were really too old for her. But dad thought he needed to explain everything to her. Everyone in the theater heard him. WHAT A DIPSHIT! And I would just like to add one more thing: People, chew with your mouth CLOSED!!! Sorry your mother didn't teach you this, but it's something you need to DO.
The sound of popcorn chewing with an open mouth can drown out the dialog for Christ's sake! -
Hmm. I think we've all said a bit too much about bad movie audiences. While they really piss me off, at the other end of the scale nothing is worse then an unresponsive audience. You want to have the happy medium. When I saw 'Analyze This' the audience went absolutely ballistic. Not a quiet set of lungs in the house. And I'm sure I wouldn't have enjoyed the movie hald as much without those around. (I'm not sure why everyone went SO crazy, we just all really dug the film (and it was an advanced screening...))
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I don't know, we sometimes seem a bit anal and snooty here on the AICN talkback...
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I think the best time to go to the movies is when the LEAST number of people are present, usually as early as possible. 1:00 shows, 3:30 shows, and depending on the day, some 5:00 shows are usually best, especially during the week. I always avoid evening shows on weekends when possible, since these are usually "date" or "out on the town" shows, with lots of familes with small, LOUD kids who like to KICK the back of the seat I'm always in!
Just call me MR. AnalSnooty -
Just as the poster above suggests, I try to go to matinee and/or weeknight showings as opposed to the big Friday/Saturday night shows, to minimize exposure to rowdy audiences. But last Saturday, I went to the preview of "EdTV" and stayed for the free showing of "October Sky," so I couldn't avoid the crowds. But the only problem person was the guy behind me who kept trying (out loud) to anticipate every plot twist of "October Sky." There's an alarm at the mine -- "Oh, his father's dead." That kind of thing, except every five minutes. What was so hilarious was, he GOT IT WRONG, every single time, over and over again. But my favorite example of movie talk was during the sex scene in "Out of Sight." You know, the sex scene you've been waiting for for an hour, the one they've been building up to for about 3/4 of the movie. The woman in front of us, who has been loudly discussing the movie with her husband/boyfriend/whatever the whole time, turns to him as the sex finally gets underway, and says, "Doncha get it? She's FALLIN' for him!"
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Harry, that brand of beer is called "Dixie Blackened Voodoo Lager." Twelve or thirteen of those and you'd have been really finished...
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...as in Anthony Burgress mode, author of _A_Clockwork_Orange_, _Enderby_, and _A_Waiting_Seed_. Never sat down to write a book with getting rip'roaring'shitfaced.
And who can forget John Wayne as Davy Crockett in "The Alamo" talking about freedom, including the freedom to get drunk or sober or whatever your damn well please.
Homo Loudmouthen is a terrible species. KILL! KILL! KILL! Hey. but I'm a reasonable man. If you would restrict the noise to reactions (and not review or diatribes) to the movie and closed-mouth munching noise, they can live.
BUT NOT THE CRETINS WHO MADE ME MISS THE BEGINNING OF WING COMMANDER! I sheeushed. I asked please be quiet. Failing and now wanting to risk the death penalty, I went and got the manager.
If this happens at the Phathom Menace, I may have to hurt someone.
Peace,
Tangent the Z -
Harry, Jeezus. Did I see the same movie as you? I remember seeing you. I was four rows behind you sitting mit meine Freudin. "Desert Blue" was one of the most boring, pointless and plotless disasters at SXSW this year (up there with "The Perfect Specimen") I found almost nothing redeemable about the project. There were GOOD things here this year, "A Day in Black and White" was an excellent first effort, "Splendor" was the best thing Araki has ever done, "Go!" didn't bore me like I thought it would, but "Desert Blue" was a piece of SHIT!!!!!!! My God! I'm sorry, I LOVE your site, immensely so, I practically live here, but I have to differ with you on "Desert Blue" the same way everybody took you on for "Godzilla." "Desert Blue" sucks. Sophomore slump or whatever, I think it is one of the worst films I've seen in ages. I'm embarrassed for the production company, embarrassed to watch Jeff Lipsky make an ass of himself telling everyone how great it was (drool, drool, drool) and even worse, my favorite movie reviewer, Harry Knowles, said nice things about it. It dragged down SXSW the same way "Newton Boys" did last year. "Splendor" should've opened the fest. Honestly, it should've. "Desert Blue" SUCKED. If any of the people reading this don't believe me, see it. -Smilin' Jack Ruby
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