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Massawyrm, while attracted to sweaty man meat, feels PATHFINDER found the wrong path!
SPOILER ALERT !!
Hola all. Massawyrm here.
What a fucking Gyp. If there was anyone on this planet that walked into this ready to have the best fucking time, it was me. You see, I’m not just your average movie geek. I’m a total fucking dork. I. Paint. Miniatures. There, I fucking said it. Right when I’m done typing this up, I’m gonna sit down at my painting table and attack a pile of Rackham metal with some paint and a 10/0 brush. I grew up on 70’s/80’s sci-fi, fantasy and sword and sandal flicks. And I even Wrote a sizable chunk of a book called the Tome of Artifacts. Yes, that’s a book to be used with Dungeons and Dragons. That’s just how fucking dorky I am. I was so tailor made to be the audience for this movie, that it’s not even funny.
At the same time, I LOVE awful movies. I mean complete garbage. And if you’ve read me long enough, you know it. If it’s so bad I can laugh at it, then I’m all fucking aboard. You’re reading an article by the guy that recommends The Covenant and a case of beer to anyone who will listen. That’s gotta be one of the funniest movies I saw last year. You can keep your Will Farrell in a funny suit/sports comedy. Give me Metrosexual Emokids with superpowers any day of the fucking week. And let Renny Harlin direct that shit every chance he gets. He is easily the world’s most underrated comedy director working today.
And now you tell me that Fox, the current reigning king of unwatchable genre dogshit (pleaseletthatchangepleaseletthatchangepleaseletthatchange), has made a movie that could have just as easily been titled Indians VS Vikings? Oh hell fucking yes. I woke up early for this shit. There was no way they could fuck that shit up. So someone who hasn’t seen a clock reading anything before Noon in I don’t know how long set his alarm for 10 A.M. ready to have a blast with this whether it was good or bad.
And instead it turned out to be limp. Lame. A fetid turd that neither excited nor caused laughter. It was, simply put, a complete fucking bore. If you didn’t hate Marcus Nispel before (and I didn’t) you certainly will now (I do.) This was an embarrassment. Karl Urban? He’s officially the Marc Singer of his generation. Congratulations. You can have your agent put out your name for direct to video fare. Someone has to take the torch from Antonio Sabato Jr. Someone has to star in a buddy cop movie opposite Casper Van Dien. Sorry Karl. When all of the native Americans are speaking perfect modern English and you’re the one with stilted dialog, the dream is over.
Every even halfway remotely interesting moment in this film is not just borrowed, but blatantly fucking stolen from a much better and more easily recognizable film. A film you no doubt own. The trap sequence from Predator. The hiding in the mud with the opening of the eyes to slit the throat sequence from Rambo: First Blood Part 2. The opening fight sequence from Gladiator. Most of Mel Gibson’s moves from Braveheart. And then, most painful to watch of all, the GODDAMNED FUCKING TRADEMARKED MOTHER FUCKING SWORD SWINGING SCENE FROM CONAN THE MOTHER FUCKING GODDAMNED BARBARIAN RIGHT DOWN TO THE ANGLE, THE MOVES AND THE CHOREOGRAPHY FOR FUCKS SAKE! The whole sequence. I shit you not. It was so stolen that Arnold himself is gonna want to crack Nispel’s skull open with a pipe, re-election be damned. And it’s not even funny. It’s shocking. The balls on this fucking guy.
Urban is pretty bad, but never given lines bad enough to be epic. The Dialog is just barely passable. And even seeing Clancy Brown, the fucking Kurgan, in a bad, paste-on beard is hard to watch. It’s like when you’re seven and you know that the Santa Claus in your living room is really your Uncle, but you don’t want it to be true. No, it’s not Clancy. It can’t be Clancy. Must. Avert. Eyes. Must. Reach. Bat. Nispel Repellant.
This should at least be fun. I mean, it’s Indians Vs. Vikings for crying out loud. Someone raises their voice in their grand plan to use an Avalanche against their foes. Urban’s side kick is a mentally retarded Native American who communicates through the use of a flute. For the love of all that is holy, this should be wondrous in its attempts to suck ass. Instead, the group of teenagers who snuck in the exit door at the beginning of the film walked out halfway through without being chased. And no. I’m not kidding. Even the guy that paid to sneak them all in walked out.
This is a sad disaster. One whose only audience will be the 8 year olds that catch it on cable and embrace it, much like my generation embraced The Barbarians, and argued well into their 20’s just how great it is, until we revisited it, shook our heads and sullenly reported to our buddies “It doesn’t hold up.” I’m way fucking Danny Glover about this. I’m just too old for this shit. Oh, and can someone, please, for the love of god, take away Nispel’s filters. That blue, grainy shit got old five minutes in.
All told, this isn’t just a waste of your weekend dollar, it will put a sad blemish on your very soul. It is a supermassive entertainment black hole and your ass is circling on the event horizon. And no, I don’t think it will be any better with Beer on DVD. Critics are howling that they didn’t show this to us early. Mother fuckers got off easy and should quit their bitching.
Until next time friends, smoke ‘em if ya got ‘em.
Massawyrm
Got sweaty beefcake porn? Send me man sausages, I've got the mustard!
What a fucking Gyp. If there was anyone on this planet that walked into this ready to have the best fucking time, it was me. You see, I’m not just your average movie geek. I’m a total fucking dork. I. Paint. Miniatures. There, I fucking said it. Right when I’m done typing this up, I’m gonna sit down at my painting table and attack a pile of Rackham metal with some paint and a 10/0 brush. I grew up on 70’s/80’s sci-fi, fantasy and sword and sandal flicks. And I even Wrote a sizable chunk of a book called the Tome of Artifacts. Yes, that’s a book to be used with Dungeons and Dragons. That’s just how fucking dorky I am. I was so tailor made to be the audience for this movie, that it’s not even funny.
At the same time, I LOVE awful movies. I mean complete garbage. And if you’ve read me long enough, you know it. If it’s so bad I can laugh at it, then I’m all fucking aboard. You’re reading an article by the guy that recommends The Covenant and a case of beer to anyone who will listen. That’s gotta be one of the funniest movies I saw last year. You can keep your Will Farrell in a funny suit/sports comedy. Give me Metrosexual Emokids with superpowers any day of the fucking week. And let Renny Harlin direct that shit every chance he gets. He is easily the world’s most underrated comedy director working today.
And now you tell me that Fox, the current reigning king of unwatchable genre dogshit (pleaseletthatchangepleaseletthatchangepleaseletthatchange), has made a movie that could have just as easily been titled Indians VS Vikings? Oh hell fucking yes. I woke up early for this shit. There was no way they could fuck that shit up. So someone who hasn’t seen a clock reading anything before Noon in I don’t know how long set his alarm for 10 A.M. ready to have a blast with this whether it was good or bad.
And instead it turned out to be limp. Lame. A fetid turd that neither excited nor caused laughter. It was, simply put, a complete fucking bore. If you didn’t hate Marcus Nispel before (and I didn’t) you certainly will now (I do.) This was an embarrassment. Karl Urban? He’s officially the Marc Singer of his generation. Congratulations. You can have your agent put out your name for direct to video fare. Someone has to take the torch from Antonio Sabato Jr. Someone has to star in a buddy cop movie opposite Casper Van Dien. Sorry Karl. When all of the native Americans are speaking perfect modern English and you’re the one with stilted dialog, the dream is over.
Every even halfway remotely interesting moment in this film is not just borrowed, but blatantly fucking stolen from a much better and more easily recognizable film. A film you no doubt own. The trap sequence from Predator. The hiding in the mud with the opening of the eyes to slit the throat sequence from Rambo: First Blood Part 2. The opening fight sequence from Gladiator. Most of Mel Gibson’s moves from Braveheart. And then, most painful to watch of all, the GODDAMNED FUCKING TRADEMARKED MOTHER FUCKING SWORD SWINGING SCENE FROM CONAN THE MOTHER FUCKING GODDAMNED BARBARIAN RIGHT DOWN TO THE ANGLE, THE MOVES AND THE CHOREOGRAPHY FOR FUCKS SAKE! The whole sequence. I shit you not. It was so stolen that Arnold himself is gonna want to crack Nispel’s skull open with a pipe, re-election be damned. And it’s not even funny. It’s shocking. The balls on this fucking guy.
Urban is pretty bad, but never given lines bad enough to be epic. The Dialog is just barely passable. And even seeing Clancy Brown, the fucking Kurgan, in a bad, paste-on beard is hard to watch. It’s like when you’re seven and you know that the Santa Claus in your living room is really your Uncle, but you don’t want it to be true. No, it’s not Clancy. It can’t be Clancy. Must. Avert. Eyes. Must. Reach. Bat. Nispel Repellant.
This should at least be fun. I mean, it’s Indians Vs. Vikings for crying out loud. Someone raises their voice in their grand plan to use an Avalanche against their foes. Urban’s side kick is a mentally retarded Native American who communicates through the use of a flute. For the love of all that is holy, this should be wondrous in its attempts to suck ass. Instead, the group of teenagers who snuck in the exit door at the beginning of the film walked out halfway through without being chased. And no. I’m not kidding. Even the guy that paid to sneak them all in walked out.
This is a sad disaster. One whose only audience will be the 8 year olds that catch it on cable and embrace it, much like my generation embraced The Barbarians, and argued well into their 20’s just how great it is, until we revisited it, shook our heads and sullenly reported to our buddies “It doesn’t hold up.” I’m way fucking Danny Glover about this. I’m just too old for this shit. Oh, and can someone, please, for the love of god, take away Nispel’s filters. That blue, grainy shit got old five minutes in.
All told, this isn’t just a waste of your weekend dollar, it will put a sad blemish on your very soul. It is a supermassive entertainment black hole and your ass is circling on the event horizon. And no, I don’t think it will be any better with Beer on DVD. Critics are howling that they didn’t show this to us early. Mother fuckers got off easy and should quit their bitching.
Until next time friends, smoke ‘em if ya got ‘em.
Massawyrm
Got sweaty beefcake porn? Send me man sausages, I've got the mustard!
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yeah
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Sorry.
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Don't hide behind inuendo and hyperbole.....
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You're fucking awesome.
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Man, my mind is blown by the fact that you wrote that book! I feel like such a nerd for even owning or perusing D&D manuals, but you actually wrote one. That puts you in a completely different DIMENSION than the rest of us.
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...or "Druids," as it was released in the US. In other words, it sounds like 120 minutes of ineptitude splayed across the screen like an autopsy gone awry.
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...a pile of crap from the trailers. Poor Marcus Nispel.
Great review though. Thanks! -
You know all I've seen so far is the poster, and from that I thought it was a cartoon.
Still I really like the 13th Warrior. I'll probably love this. -
SPOILER ALERT
Two moments stolen from one of my favorite films of a couple years ago, "King Arthur." Yeah, I said it. "King Mutha Effing Arthur." An amazing, sadly overlooked film.
But anyway, the whole "ice breaking up on a frozen lake" bit is stolen AND the final death blow delivered to the Kurgan (he will ALWAYS be the Kurgan to me, just as F. Murray Abraham is always Saliere) is TOTALLY stolen from King Arthur. The whole, "Pretend I'm hurt and turn my back to the guy only to stab him backwards style." Pathetic!!
I sort of disagree on the appearance of Clancy, but maybe that's just because I was so freaking excited to see this guy as a sword-wielding badass again. And you know what? He's still got it. What a CRYING SHAME that his first foray back into that kind of role is for this UTTER PIECE OF GARBAGE MOVIE.
Why isn't the media talking about THAT? All this Imus BS and not ONE MENTION of how Clancy Brown has been VIOLATED by every hack responsible for this steaming pile of void. WHere is Sharpton on this? Jesse? Hypocrisy to the nth degree.
Unreal that they screwed this premise up so horrifically. Indians vs. Vikings. COuld've been the coolest thing ever. Now, historians will cite it in the top 10 of most disappointing events in modern history. -
I was naming the GOOD movies Nispel ripped off.
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I guess a blind squirrel finds a nut every now and then
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Alas... Now what?
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...you weren't mentioning the GREAT ones....
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Wings being the first oscar winner from 1927. And Lucas went frame for frame captures of that and other dogfight scenes from other movies to make his dogfight space scenes. And the whole thing was derivative of the Flash Gorden serials of the 30's or so. Your objection is because you can recognize other movies where these scenes have been used? All scenes that are derivative of other scenes from other movies automatically rape your childhood? And I've liked Karl Urban in the movies I've seen him in so far and I'll still go and see this movie.
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are snickering at you behind your back as they send you to the shit-pile over and over? Just wondering.
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Are you serious? You fail to mention something in your argument - Lucas made a film that everyone would rather watch over the films he ripped off. Who the fuck compares this shit to Star Wars? Honestly. There's so much more wrong with this than the paragraph I wrote about the ripoff moments. And anyone that is gonna be critical on Star wars ripping off Wings (and, cough, doing something NEW with it - the operative part of the argument) is gonna LOVE Pathfinder. Enjoy, my man.
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Not at all. I think they snicker behind my back for other reasons. But honestly, I could care either way. As much as I jokingly martyr myself about seeing this stuff, I do it willingly and lovingly. Any critic can go to just the films that interest them. Hell, that's what MANY of them do. It takes someone who really LOVES film to walk into something that doesn't interest them and still hope that it's good. I wanted to enjoy this. I paid to see it and didn't have to. This was all me. I even asked Harry if he'd want the review. This is the shit I live for. Although, what I really live for is walking into something that looks like total garbage and discovering that it actually is something special. Doesn't happen often, and I tend to take a lot of shit initailly over those films, but in the end, they're worth it. Because the few folks that find it because of what I wrote get to enjoy something that everyone else wrote off.
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That had me on the floor! Sadly, I assumed as much from the previews of this movie. Looks like I got all the confirmation I need. I'll wait for cable. Peace.
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I, too, thought this looked potentially promising
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I'm not complaining about George Lucas ripping off Wings. He took aspects of things he's seen before and said he can use this and that and improve on it. He said it himself, I'm not revealing anything new. So, George Lucas the fuck compares Star Wars to Wings. And in 1927 Wings totally rocked dude. :-) Now John Williams, he totally ripped off Holst with the soundtrack for Star Wars and I don't know if he ever acknowledged that or not. Go ahead and listen to The Planets by Holst and you'll see. Total hack if he never mentioned that. Anyways, I love Star Wars. I stood in line most of that summer to see it many times but you getting angry because I mention Lucas using other movies as templates tells me how sacred previous movies you love are to you. I'm just saying that that part of your otherwise entertaining review seemed more like you resenting seeing bits you recognized from other movies the same way you got mad at me mentioning Star Wars as not springing out of the earth fully formed and totally original. There was probably some old guy in 1977 who left the theater after seeing Star Wars who was very angry cause he recognized everything derivative in that movie.
The rest of the review, you know, entertaining but I'll still see the show at a matinée. At the very least the trailer shows an interesting Frazetta world which I've never seen done as well, at least via the trailer. And if it ends up as bad as you say it is, well then I'll put you in that list of critics who share my view of a good and a bad movie. Otherwise you're still an entertaining read. -
Your review was funny shit. Thanks for the laughs. Didnt have much hope for this one anyways. I'm not sure this will even be netflix worthy.
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So was Steven Weber Han Solo, and if so, was Thomas Hayden Church the Chewie?
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I, like Massa was waiting for this flick to hit the theaters for many months. Upon seeing it tonight I'm glad I snuck into two other films right after I saw this. Otherwise my cash would have been sooooo wasted. If you're lucky enough to understand what is happening through the choppy editing and extreme closeups of battle scenes you will be disaponted by the connect the dot plot and shitty shitty writing. I'd take the 13th Warrior over this film any day of the week. Instead of wasting your cash on this hunk of shit go see Disturbia. It's not a masterpiece but its a fun flick to grab ahold of.
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I too was hoping this was a "so bad it's good" film. Alas, it was not to be. For some reason the only films I find funny anymore are bad ones. Comedies hardly make me crack a smile these days. It's a downright shame.
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He's from New Zealend and he spoke 'Viking' just fine-sounded authentic. It's the retard director for making the Indians speak english. It killed the film from the get go.
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...to play a transplanted Norseman. I bought him but the movie fucking just blew.I also wanted to like it but it was too painfully bad to be a good time.At least it wasn't The Rock.
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For some unknown reason I bought this and I have to say it has the most beautiful comic artwork (by Christopher Shy) I've ever seen. The story was nonsense but every page was a masterpiece.
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I'm just sayin'...
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Finding the path to the exit halfway through.
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Esp since it's directed by the man who made the AMAZING TCM remake!!! Yayayayayayayayayaayay. Sarcasm
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Was this really a graphic novel adaptation? Because if you go through the graphic novel, it really seems like Christopher Shy just takes frames from the movie and paints/photoshops them. I really feel like they knew they had a piece of crap, saw that the tie-in comic was actually pretty cool, and then tacked on that it was "based on a graphic novel."
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HE is going to FUCK THIS UP. Oh GOD no....
Say it isn't so. FUCK FUCK FUCK. -
You paint fucking miniatures?!? Jesus, I actually feel ubercool now.
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It was hysterical that the Native Americans spoke English...no sub-titles for you! There was gore, but too much slow-mo. The movie was just...there. It was definitely no Beastmaster! Sigh...
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Yes Orcus, I was testing as well. But alas, all for naught.
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it seemed the right thing to do
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