I am – Hercules!!


Whew! We were all afraid that HBO would send over a screener of the first episode along with a list of spoilers the channel didn’t want us to reveal.

Happily, no screener and no prohibitions arrived in the AICN offices, so you, gentle reader, can find all the rumored reveals for tonight’s episode below, nestled comfortably in the text invisible.

* The first episode starts with a flashback to 2004 as Tony flees the the Feds making their raid on New York boss Johnny Sacrimoni. In the flashback, a kid spots Tony ditching his gun. As Tony continues to flee, the kid retrieves the firearm.

* In the present, the cops arrive at Casa Soprano and haul Tony away to stir, where he must sit next to less successful criminals in his robe and slippers. Turns out the kid from the flashback was just arrested while using Tony’s ditched gun. The kid told the cops about where he got it.

* Tony is quickly out on bail.

* Meadow has dumped Finn and is back living at home, studying to be a pediatrician.

* A.J. is still cohabitating with the hot Dominican with the kid, but she’s evolved into a royal witch.

* No one wants to buy Carmella’s spec house.

* Out on bail, Tony joins Carmella, Janice and Bobby for a trip up to Bobby’s lake house near the Canadian border. En route, Tony learns the charges against him have been dropped.

* While drunkenly playing Monopoly at the lake house, Tony sings “Under The Boardwalk,” adding new lyrics about Janice’s penchant for doling out fellatio in Atlantic City. Bobby starts to beat Tony to a pulp before the girls break it up.

* The next day, Bobby and a bloodied Tony keep an appointment with some Canadians in an effort to arrange to have the lower-priced Canadian pharmaceuticals smuggled into the states.

* One of the Canadians says he can give Tony an even better price on the drugs if Tony can arrange the murder of an ex-boyfriend who’s been harassing his daughter.

* Tony assigns Bobby to make the hit, even though Bobby’s never murdered anyone before, then heads back to Jersey with Carmella.

* Bobby makes the hit, pumping three bullets into some dirtbag in an apartment building laundry room. Now Bobby has to go to Hell when he dies because Tony wanted a better price on a Canadian drug shipment.

After tonight, only eight episodes left.

Next week?

The doctors tell Johnny Sack he has no more than three months to live, Phil Leotardo recovers from a nasty heart attack and quadruple bypass surgery, brother Billy Leotardo is tapped to head the New York family, Christophuh’s “Cleaver” (starring Daniel Baldwin) screens, and Tony learns the feds are now investigating the kid who found Tony’s gun.

9 p.m. Sunday. HBO.

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