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AICN COMICS REVIEWS WONDER WOMAN! HEROES FOR HIRE! HOLMES! AND MUCH MORE!
| #54 | 3/28/07 | #5 |
(Click title to go directly to the review)
WONDER WOMAN #6
HEROES FOR HIRE #8
HAWKGIRL #62
Indie Jones presents FIRST IN SPACE OGN
Indie Jones presents HOLMES #1-4
Indie Jones presents…
WONDER WOMAN #6
Writer: Jodi Picoult
Artist: Drew Johnson
Publisher: DC Comics
Reviewer: Sleazy G
Y’know, for every decent relaunch to come outta INFINITE CRISIS there’s been at least one clunker, and it’s a damned shame. For every JLA there’s a FLASH, and for every JSA there’s a…well, a WONDER WOMAN. To see characters this well-known and well-loved get the shaft is really disheartening, because the characters and fans both deserve better. Instead, DC really screwed the pooch here, letting some of their biggest characters take the fall when they should have been shining examples of the best the industry has to offer. This should have been at the top of the list of things to not fuck up, y’know? Fans and creators have been saying for years that Diana deserves a place of prominence just like Clark and Bruce in the DCU. Diana finally got a chance to shine, and the new relaunch should have capitalized on that issue #1 to just come out of the gates at top speed, blowing everybody away with how cool and smart and kickass Wonder Woman could be.
Instead we get four issues over the course of…what, 9 or 10 months? With a storyline that got dropped two thirds of the way through? Followed by a one-off with no ties to the earlier storyline, followed by the launch of a new storyline? And we’re still supposed to be interested in this “exciting new direction”? Riiiiight.
And just where, exactly, can we lay the blame for this spectacular failure? I gotta go with editorial on this one. Nuthin’ ruins a character or title quite like lousy decisions on the part of the editorial staff. Let me be clear, though: I’m not saying it’s necessarily Matt Idelson’s fault. I have no idea when he came on board, or how big a role he played in selecting the talent for this title. Landing big names is handled by people awfully far up the food chain, after all. I’m pretty sure he wasn’t the one who signed up Allan Heinberg, which is really where things went wrong. Don’t get me wrong—I dig Heinberg’s stuff. Really. I haven’t missed a single episode of “The O.C.” or “Grey’s Anatomy” (allow me to issue a preemptive “go screw” before you even have a chance to say it), and I loved what Heinberg did on YOUNG AVENGERS. But y’know what? YA was terminally late too. So who decided that DC needed a TV writer/producer with a track record of late books so badly that they’d give him a title as important as WONDER WOMAN? And then start publishing the title even though they knew he was at least four months behind from the minute the first issue went to the printers?
I’ve said it before and I’ll keep saying it until DC and Marvel stop fucking this up: if you hire some hotshot for a four or six issue story, DO NOT RELEASE #1 UNTIL YOU HAVE THE FINAL ISSUE IN HAND. FUCKING PERIOD. You want Heinberg on the book? Great. When you have the script for the final issue, send the first one to the printers. Since Heinberg already had a rep for being behind schedule because of his TV commitments, the solution is pretty obvious: have somebody else launch the series, and when Heinberg’s done, slot him in at issues 13 through 18.
Cuz, see, here’s the thing: comic writers? They write comics, and a lot of ‘em would kill for a monthly title or two. Instead of throwing Will Pfeifer a single one-off issue to play catch-up because of Heinberg blowing schedules constantly, why not have Pfeifer or Gail Simone write the first year of WONDER WOMAN? Just let ‘em know what Heinberg’s gonna do at #13 and have the regular writer dovetail #11 and #12 right into where he’s going. That’s what professional comics writers do, right? Work hand in hand with the editors, writers, and artists to put out a monthly book? I guess it just chaps my ass to no end that the comics industry continues to trip over itself so it can worship at the feet of every TV, movie or airport novel writer ever to read an issue of ARCHIE as a kid.
Which brings us to WONDER WOMAN #6. Look, all I know about Jodi Picoult is that I saw one of her books in a store window today and it was a picture of two people holding hands—sounds perfect for WONDER WOMAN, no? Maybe I’m being a dick here, and she’s a really good writer. Based on what I saw in this issue, though, I’m not convinced she was the right choice. “Hi, I’m Diana. I’m a battle-hardened Amazonian warrior…who cries because people won’t ‘leave her alone’. Oh, and I’ve never heard of a ‘credit card’, and I don’t know how to pump gas, just like Oprah. Oh, and I’m supposed to be hiding my secret identity, but I changed into Wonder Woman in public three times in 22 pages.”
*sigh*
Maybe it’ll get better. Or maybe, just maybe, hiring a novelist instead of a comic book writer to follow up an aborted run by a TV writer was a CRAP IDEA. Especially since she immediately jumped to using Circe as the villain. Which would be fine, except the aborted storyline ended issue #4 in a double-page splash with Wonder Woman about to throw down with over a dozen villains led by Circe…and we have no idea how it turned out. At all. What’s Circe’s deal right now? Is she looking for revenge over how the last showdown turned out? Did anybody die? Who’s she working with? How are we supposed to know what the hell’s going on with these characters?
The whole situation’s just a train wreck. An aborted storyline that may never be resolved, and now a Wonder Woman who’s written like a weepy 10 year old? And this is the best we can get for a post-CRISIS relaunch of one of the most powerfully iconic characters in comics history? Once again, a vital character and her fans are let down because upper management was more concerned with flashy names to feather their caps than turning out a consistent, high quality product. Who knows: maybe some time a coupla dozen issues down the road the title will finally hit its stride—or maybe it’ll be the next AQUAMAN. What a heartbreaking waste of an opportunity to give Wonder Woman the kind of book she deserves.
HEROES FOR HIRE #8
Writer: Zeb Wells
Penciler: Al Rio
Inker: Scott Koblish
Publisher: Marvel
Reviewer: Jinxo
Okay, I’ll admit it. I originally picked up HEROES FOR HIRE while I was going insane and buying all things CIVIL WAR related. At the time I was just full on into the CIVIL WAR. For all its flaws, I kept thinking, “Hey, don’t judge until ya see where they’re going with this thing.” Then they got to the end and where it all went made me so mad I wanted to scream. Cap’s bad for being an idealist, Iron Man’s side wins while behaving badly and the last issue of CIVIL WAR paints it as a happy ending?!?!? Then after that Captain America gets killed, Iron Man cries a river of self pity…I mean, of regret...over Cap’s death and then 10 seconds later he exploits his death to try and capture some of the rebel heroes. Oh yeah, Miss Marvel also helped by exploiting her friendship with Spider-Woman too. Nice! It’s like every time I buy my Marvel books I should just go, “Well, I wonder how they’ll dishearten me this week.”
But amid all the crap going on, and maybe somewhat because of it, every month I surprisingly find myself really looking forward to stupid HEROES FOR HIRE. I’m not saying it will make comic book history. It isn’t hitting home runs, but for my money it is hitting solid doubles. And with how the Marvel universe in general is going right now that’s pretty damn good for me.
For the record, the Heroes For Hire are Misty Knight, Colleen Wing, Black Cat, Shang-Chi, Tarantula, Humbug, former villain Orka, and Paladin (who was fired for selling out the group and Captain America).
I think part of what I like is that the book sort of sidesteps all the CIVIL WAR junk. Okay, they don’t ignore it. The Heroes For Hire are all registered heroes, but at the same time they don’t come across as sellouts. I mean…they’re Heroes for Hire. They’re fighting the good fight for a fee. If you are actually setting up a hero business and getting paid to fight the good fight, well, I actually buy into the idea you’d have to be licensed. It makes sense as opposed to all the other super folks who seem to just be getting drafted into involuntary service. Plus the starting point for the whole book was Misty Knight telling Tony Stark, essentially, just let us do our thing and keep us out of all the heroes hunting down heroes crap.
I also like the fact that the book has a unique slant too. The Avengers are like the all-star hero team. The Fantastic Four isn’t a team, it’s a family. The X-Men are the abused minority bonded together in their common suffering. Heroes For Hire? Heheheh. They’re the hero version of punching the time clock ta get paid! To steal a talkback phrase, “heroes gotta eat!” These aren’t heroes with tons of moralism and angst. “With great power comes great responsibility” isn’t even on their radar. That stuff is for A-Listers. These guys are the D-Listers, the Kathy Griffin of heroes. These aren’t heroes who are family or closely bonded teammates. These are heroes who are together because they get paid to be together. You might like the guy who works in the cubicle next to you or you might hate him. But, really, it doesn’t matter ‘cause you’re both just there trying to earn money for the rent.
If the comic has a flaw it might be that with eight main characters running around you don’t exactly get deep character stuff. When I bought the book, I was looking forward to lots of Black Cat’s attitude. Haven’t gotten that much. Just not the time or space for it. But at the same time I also think that works with the whole working class vibe of the book. Again, these are folks working on the clock so they’re not looking to really bond or charm each other. Like on LAW & ORDER, you don’t know anything about the characters beyond their work as cops and lawyers. With Heroes For Hire, everything ya see is just about the job.
So they’re registration sellouts, you don’t get deep character stuff, they’re punching a clock…how does this add up to fun? It…it just does. Partly, I think because they are so D-List. It’s just so low rent, it gets crazy. They seem to keep fighting the villains who either used to be big or who seem to have been created while a writer was in a fever dream. I mean, a month or so back, they caught the costumed villains in their crappy apartment making breakfast. That’s just so wrong! And if you’re main foe is Heroes For Hire and they kick your ass by flushing your head in your own toilet, dude, that’s a sign YOU’RE D-List and maybe should just get a cubicle job yourself.
Or how about this? While the main team is off fighting the big villains (that would be the guys getting swirlies) the team sends one of their lesser members off on a “joke” mission. Humbug is sort of the Aquaman of bugs, but without all the oodles of awe and respect fish-boy gets. So he gets tasked with helping a little boy who says something has gone wrong with his robot buddy. Of course, it turns out the robot buddy is an insane Doombot. And it turns out the Doombot has been reprogrammed by the Headmen. They’re the fever dream, folks. If you are unfamiliar with them…lets see…Gorilla Man has a human head on a gorilla body, Ruby Tuesday has a woman’s body and a red bowling ball for a head, Chondu who is just a severed head…not exactly world beaters, but with the Doombot, quite more than Humbug was expecting. The result? Humbug ends up as the severed head as Chondu carjacks his body. So now the poor guy is just a head fighting with no backup. Sounds like a bad day job to me. It is just so weirdly wrong that it’s fun.
Issue #8 wraps up Humbug’s predicament. Even as just a head he did have the power to talk to his bug friends and sent them to get backup. This issue starts with the team’s muscle, Orca and Shang-Chi, showing up to help out. As per usual, from page one things don’t go as they should. And for a change, it ain’t all fun and games. Things get serious. And again, that sort of flipping of expectations is what I like in this book. The fact that the big mission turns out to be a relatively simple mission while the joke “robot buddy” mission turns out to be a major spiraling out of control cluster ^%&# is kind of cool.
Finally, one more reason I like these guys. Currently, Iron Man sort of, well, sucks. No sir, I don’t like ‘im. But he helps fund Heroes For Hire. He set them up with some top dollar tech for their base. Then they got that all blowed up. So Tony had to grudgingly pull out the check book and pony up more dough for more tech. That made me very happy. I just really enjoy that this group, which in many ways actually does represent what Tony is trying to do with registration, could be just this constant annoying thorn in Tony Stark’s side. I would be so so happy if Heroes For Hire just over and over, on a regular basis, kept getting all their stuff blown up. And every time Stark would gnash his teeth and write another huge check. Seriously, that would be awesome. Maybe more than Iron Man getting a real comeuppance or a real beating. It would be satisfying to see these heroes acting as a daily annoyance to shell head. Like a rock in his shoe that he just can’t get rid of…EVER. And somewhere Captain America is giggling his ass off.
HAWKGIRL #62
Writer: Walter Simonson
Artist: Renato Arlem
Publisher: DC Comics
Reviewer: Ambush Bug
What the hell is this poopin’ crap?
Y’know, I really loved the HAWKMAN series when Geoff Johns was on it attempting the make the Hawkman and Hawkgirl characters cohesive for mass consumption. I liked Palmiotti and Grey’s action-oriented run that beefed up the characters’ rogues gallery. But since then, this book has been god-awful.
Walt Simonson has definitely done some great stories in the past, but this is far from one of them. I think Simonson was such a big name in the industry that the higher-ups at DC are afraid to pat the guy on the shoulder and let him know that it just isn’t working out with this book. The story is an incoherent mess. Hawkman, while returned and healthy in JSA, is nowhere to be found in this book. Hawkgirl is palling around with another uninteresting guy whose sole function is to be the dude in distress. The simple fact that this new pairing has been going on since Simonson has come aboard has left me with an icky feeling, mostly because the forbidden love story between Carter (Hawkman) and Kendra (Hawkgirl) took so long to develop, was established really well by Johns, and continued decently with Palmiotti and Grey that the thought of Kendra hooking up with another man seems trivial and forced. It took over fifty issues for her to get used to the idea of her pairing with Hawkman, yet Carter’s feathers aren’t even molting in the grave and she’s having conflicted thoughts about this new guy. Although the relationship with Damsel In Distress Dude seems to be somewhat platonic, something like that just makes me dislike Kendra as a character. And that’s not really something you want to happen with the title character of a book.
The simple fact is that I don’t think Kendra is a strong enough character to carry the title on her own, especially written the way she has been over the last few years. Maybe the title simply suffers from MOONLIGHTING’s “Dave and Maddie” syndrome where the two characters were interesting up until the point where they actually admitted they loved each other. You can’t really fault Simonson for not knowing what to do with the characters once they hooked up. No writer seems to. Maybe that’s why the forbidden love story is so popular. It’s the conflict and build-up that everyone wants to read about. Once the couple hooks up, often times that cues the end of the story. Hell, Johns even wrote this into his original story arc, literally prophesizing that once Carter and Kendra hooked up, they were destined to die. But killing off Carter was the killing stroke to this series no matter what kind of wonky shit Simonson tries to throw at us. Maybe the series should have just ended then and there.
Now that the creepily pervy Howard Chaykin (whose sole contribution to the series was tossing in the detail that Hawkgirl wears a lace bra underneath her costume) is off the book, we have Renato Arlem on the book, which isn’t a half bad choice of artist. His art has a fluid yet gritty photo-referenced feel that does a good enough job of telling the story.
The problem is the story itself. This month, Hawkgirl battles Apokolips’ Female Furies and a giant Shogun Warrior-like robot in the form of Hawkgirl herself. In the midst of the action, Hawkgirl realizes that her Nth metal wings have been removed. Seconds later, Hawkgirl lets out a shriek, her costume morphs into a more organic look, and bat wings sprout out of her back. But none of these crazy ideas are really delved into in any kind of interesting manner. I admit, a giant robotic version of our hero running rampant through the city is something that could be cool, but this interesting concept is lost in the flat delivery. If I weren’t so disillusioned, bored, and uninterested in the story, I’d almost be enthralled by the sheer bat shit craziness of the tornado-like flurry of “out there” ideas.
But reading this book is like swimming through a tar pit: it took too much effort and left me wondering why I jumped into the damn thing in the first place. All due respect to Simonson’s past comic book contributions and Arlem’s decent artwork, but this series can’t be cancelled soon enough.
FIRST IN SPACE
Writer/Artist: James Vining
Publisher: Oni Press
Reviewed by Humphrey Lee
So apparently what we have here is one of them "historically based" dealies from one of them high and mighty "Xeric Award" winners. Pffftt...like that's going to impress me. Well, okay, it kinda did. Damn newbies with their "talent" telling interesting stories. I swear they think they own the industry...oh wait...
FIRST IN SPACE is an OGN (Original Graphic Novel for those of you new to the party) about just that: the story of Ham, a chimpanzee that was elected to be the first launched into orbit (not space, big difference) by the fledgling NASA program. And it's also a very competent work considering it is the first published piece (I assume) from our Xeric title bearer. There's a good sense of craft here right from the get go. Using just a handful of pages, Vining sets the table for why these live tests using animal subjects were the lynchpin of the space program at the time, and giving us a quick understanding of the possibly fatal hazards these animals faced to bring the space program closer to its goal of putting human astronauts into the sky. And the story is quick to attach us to our little space monkey by also showing the attachment of his trainer, Airman Beacham.
The events leading up to Ham's eventual success and launch are for the most part very entertaining and oft times humorous too. It's actually kind of fun in a way to sit back and watch as the furry little lice-eater is put in chairs and shot around at Mach speeds, or swung around in a centrifuge at several G's. And obviously a lot of this works because of the more cartoon-like approach Vining took with his art. There’s a modest use of his lines, just enough in his facial features to invoke the right kind of emotion, though he wasn't afraid to use a little exaggeration in them whenever he could to get that extra bit of a laugh out of certain occasions, or simply to the play the "awwww...look at the monkey" endearance card. Very simple, but it works and pushes the book along nicely.
With that said, there are a few things I thought were a little lacking. Mainly, that even though the book does have its fair share of funny bits or tense parts where something goes wrong in order to keep the reader on their feet, I think the majority of the book is presented a little too matter-of-factly. There's a little too much downtime between the parts that are supposed to tug on your emotions or keep you riveted. There's just too much where it's just "monkey gets checked up on by the doctors" and "now the monkey does some training!" and then "monkey is put to bed." It's like the writing couldn't decide if it wanted to be more of an account of the monkey himself, or the program around him, and overall couldn't find a happy medium between the two. It doesn't hurt the book that much, but I can see how some of the more by-the-numbers segments could cause the primary audience of more pre-adolescents and early teens to lose their interest in it from time to time.
But this is a really solid debut nonetheless. Like I said, there's more than enough emotion in this book to keep you invested, it could have just used some better pacing. And there is a lot of merit here in being a historical guidebook as it does give you a pretty good bit of detail into the inner workings of these training programs and what our furry ancestors went through for us to reach the stars. Overall, this is a pretty fun, pretty entertaining book that I would definitely recommend, not only for a personal read, but of course as something you should give to your child (or little brother, niece, nephew, whatever) as something to pull them into the world of comics and to also maybe even educate. Imagine that.
Besides, it has a SPACE MONKEY!! It's a monkey IN SPACE!!! Who the hell in their right minds can resist a book about shooting those tree-swinging banana-gobblers into the great unknown? Someone who doesn't know how to enjoy something good for what it is, that's who.
HOLMES #1-4
Story and Art by Omaha Perez
Publisher: O-P-P
Reviewer: Ambush Bug
This comic has one of those concepts that grabs you and doesn’t let go. Sherlock Holmes has had many different incarnations throughout the years. I’ve always enjoyed tales of the master detective and his noble assistant, but I have to say, I haven’t read a Sherlock Holmes story quite like the one Omaha Perez offers in HOLMES, his four issue miniseries. This version of Holmes and Watson, while looking quite like their typical characters, are more akin to Hunter S. Thompson and Dr. Gonzo than the classical pairing. Holmes’ drug use and dementia shove problem solving aside and take center stage in this book with delightful results.
Perez has obviously done his homework with this book referring to classic Holmes mysteries, but giving them a more madcap and comedic twist. This comic is definitely a farce, but nonetheless, it entertained me thoroughly. It was great fun to follow Holmes and his enabling assistant Watson as he bumbled his way through a mystery, getting into more trouble with the law than actually solving the caper. One of the best details of this deranged tale is the fact that Holmes’ nemesis, Moriarty, doesn’t actually exist in this story. He does have quite a presence as the paranoid detective claims that the villain is behind every obstacle in his path. Throughout the miniseries, Holmes stalks an innocent man, convinced that he is Moriarty. It was fun to see how far Holmes would go to catch his sworn enemy and the lengths Watson would go to cover up his associates wrongdoings. It is a nice touch to see Watson skew the truth in his narration, covering Holmes’ tracks and making him out to be a much greater man than he is in this story.
Artwise, the characters often were a bit stiff, but the wonky perspectives and slightly exaggerated posturings matched the mentally deranged mood of the story. There is an especially effective sequence in issue #2 where Holmes is hallucinating in an opium den. The panels are filled with scratch art rather than normal inks. This negative method of imagery offers a memorable view from the perspective of a person in a drug induced haze. It is an especially effective storytelling tool to help distinguish Holmes’ reality from the real world. The series’ impressive covers also use this method of artistry.
Though purists may scoff at a Sherlock Holmes more like Iggy Pop than the classic sleuth, I found myself laughing out loud at the mentally skewed adventures depicted in HOLMES. It was a treat to read and I hope Perez revisits the stoned out world of HOLMES soon.
POISON THE CURE #1
The New Radio
This is an extremely strong first issue from the guys that gave you THE LAST ISLAND and SOMETHING SO FAMILIAR. Artist Alex Cahill once again wowed me with his great handling of visuals to writer Jad Zaide’s words. This is a departure for Cahill from his silent comics as this story follows the adventures of what may be the last surviving people on earth. This futuristic tale is full of action and the “fight the powers that be” mentality shines through on every page.Writer Ziade plays to Cahill’s strengths and often leaves it to the artist to tell the story without word balloons. In a medium that often relies way too much on exposition, this issue has faith that the reader is smart enough to follow the storyline with very few textual cues.
I like the designs of the aliens who come upon a decimated Earth. Their technology plugs into their heads. They had a very HITCHHIKER’S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY feel to them. I also like the designs of the cast of human (and robotic) characters. All are easy to tell apart--a good move for a first issue where no one knows these characters yet. The second half of this massive first issue moves quickly as a small group of humans stage a siege that goes horribly wrong.
This issue delivers on all levels; artistically, dramatically, emotionally, and conceptually. The creators behind this book and The New Radio are a small but strong voice in the independent comic scene. Check out a preview to the book here and see what I mean. - Ambush Bug
ACTION FIGURE: FROM THE JOURNALS OF RICHARD MARZELAK #1
Baboon Books
I am fascinated by behind the scenes stories. When people walk through a museum or leaf through a comic or book and see all of the marvelous words and imagery, some are wrapped up with the aesthetics of the piece. Me? I often find myself wondering what was going on in the artist’s life to make him or her come up with such ideas. I guess that’s why this book interested me so much. ACTION FIGURE follows the real life adventures of the author himself as he struggled as a starving and dreaming artist, stuck in a dead end toy design job and working for “da man.” Maybe it is the fact that I have worked in this type of job before. Maybe it’s the fact that I’m a dreamer myself. I don’t know. But I identified with this character and I think a lot of comic book readers will too. It’s one of those stories that is common, but interesting because it is so common and depicts this commonality so well. It’s a slice of life-style book, but has enough honesty and wit to make it stand out as anything but boring. Richard Marcej does a nice job of presenting a nice cast of characters that seem as if they could actually exist. If you’ve ever sat in a cubicle or stayed up way past bedtime and missed out on sleeping dreams in order to pursue dreams of your own, this is a book for you. - Ambush Bug 
MAKESHIFT MIRACLE OGN
UDON Comics
Jim Zubkavich has made a wonderful surprise of a comic book. This stand alone story is a fantasy adventure that could entertain children as a cautionary tale, yet is intelligent enough to entertain adults. The story follows a young boy whose life is interrupted by a mysterious young girl falling from the sky. Not knowing what to do, this resourceful young man takes the girl home with him and all of a sudden his boring life becomes nothing but. This is a sensitive story about the development of identity and the sacrifices one must make in order to grow up. It is also an inspirational story about taking risks and making the best of what life has to offer. Calling this a “feel good” book has too many negative terms attached to it in this apathetical society we live in, but when I put this book down I felt just that. This tender read looks great too. The panels are animation cell quality and literally pop off the page. Each panel has a crisp three dimensional cartoony feel that gives the book a look all its own. - Ambush Bug 
GUY RITCHIE’S GAMEKEEPER #1
Virgin Comics
One word that came to mind when I finished this first issue was SOLID. It’s a book with a solid concept. A solid story. And rock solid artwork. This book plays into tried and true action movie staples, but there is a reason these staples are tried and true. They are cool starting points for cool stories. A lone, quiet, and noble warrior looks after a group of reclusive outcasts. A group of militia types attack. And now, lone, quiet, and noble warrior AKA The Gamekeeper is super pissed and more than willing to do what he does best…hunt! Sure it’s simple, but when framed by the hyper-kinetic Guy Ritchie and penned by comic book superstar Andy Diggle, this story shines as something fresh and new. To top it all off, this book also marks a true find in Mukesh Singh, whose artwork resembles Leonard Manco and Ariel Olivetti’s new painterly style. But Singh’s style is all his own. It’s gritty, but crisp. The angles are sharp and the colors vibrant. I’ve liked what Virgin Comics has to offer in varying degrees, but GAMEKEEPER is my favorite of the bunch. - Ambush Bug Remember, if you have an Indie book you’d like one of the @$$holes to take a look at, click on your favorite reviewer’s link and drop us an email.
Check out the @$$oles’ ComicSpace AICN Comics page here for an archive and more @$$y goodness.
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... yes, this is a repost, but since it got nuked in the server hiccup, I wanted to make sure it went back up.
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now i can go back to lurking
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...but as I recall, no one had anything interesting to say anyway.
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Bad troll, bad!
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The only placement where it's a pain if you've got a lisp.
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I ask all of you to partake in a nationwide boycott of the Carmike Cinemas Corporation of evil deuchebag motherfuckers until they start showing Grindhouse in Butte Montana.
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I think we were really close to answering the Marvel Vs. DC question too! ;^)
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For pointing out how Marvel and DC can't get a decent book out on time. For example: Ultimates Vol. 2 # 13...seven months late and counting.
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Fuckin Butt, Montana huh? I guess you're stuck with and Ice Cube comedy or a documentary on Wolves or something. Seriously, how far is another theater?
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We'll lose my one post from this talkbacks original posting. I thought it was a thing of beauty.
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...are cool rebels. Maybe they're not really the Arthur Fonzarelli's of comicdom, but more the Bob Dylan types because Marvel's also intellectual like folk music and other things. Yet, they take risks. For example, they'd kill Spider-Man because that's risky and unexpected. And he'd stay dead, because in real life, sometimes superheroes stay dead.
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'nuff said.
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...how if you eat the worm at the bottom of the mescal bottle, you're actually getting some protien along with yer hallucinagenic liquor? I'd never really thought about it before, but I like to do something that's good for me before I black out.
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He's dead. They killed him. Marvel comics would never do something as unrealistic with one of their characters as bring him back from the dead. This is just like reality! Remember, a few years back when that guy in the flag suit who'd been frozen from WW II to the mid-1960s/early 21st century got blown away? He's not coming back and neither will Cap. I expect that Marvel will continue to publish the book in his honor, with blank red, white and blue pages because they are known for doing edgy things like that. And, as an Edgy Guy, I will buy it and read it every month!
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High-five, Buzz?But the kicker? The final nail in the coffin? Marvel never had Grant Morrison the writer as a character. The DCU does.
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I can't help loving Marvel more than DC, which makes me wish they had a Vertigo line, a Wildstorm line. While they continue to do the same superheroes year after year, DC had SANDMAN, PREACHER, PROMETHEA, and PLANETARY, etc. When Marvel hires the talent behind them away, they put them on...Marvel superheroes. And they can tack an ULTIMATE in front of it, but it's still Marvel Superheroes.
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"Dude, I really think five of us is too many. I keep getting a cold bowl and somebody's bogartin'.""Okay, man, seeya later.""I'm not leavin', man. I brought that case of tall boys. You should leave. You didn't bring shit.""You want me to bring shit, man?""Heh, heh.""Hey, look, man, that's the High Signal. Somebody must be committing a crime.""That's not the high signal, numbnuts. Where the fuck are we man?""The Laserius show, Cal Poly University, Pomona, CA.""Right. That's a musical laser, dude.""Maybe it's warning us of a crime..."
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The Hunt for the Bad Jive Turkey.
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I'd totally buy it.
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The talkback this week was rather more interesting than usual, but it's all gone now...boo... see you next week.
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Dan. Didio. He's got to go. This idiot doesn't understand his comics and is too full of himself. He thinks people buy DC comics based on who the editor is. He also is the brainiac behind killing Dick Grayson here in the next year and it's simply because HE doesn't "get" the character. Because it's all about him. Idiot.
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What is there to get about Dick Grayson? He honestly seems pretty bland as Nightwing.
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Only a nancy pillowbiter would spend his entire teens in green scaled speedos with elf booties.
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that completely and utterly sucks. What a boring book. In theory, he should be awesome, but he isn't. I thought DC had a chance when I saw that promo image of Red Robin. I thought that Grayson could take on that persona and maybe Van Sciver and Geoff Johns could write the ongoing. Then I woke up. Jason friggin Todd as Red Robin? First thought? Jason Todd is still around? Second thought? Lame. Third thought? Has anyone but Winick written Jason Todd since he's been back? That could have a great deal to do with part of it sucking, but in truth that was one of the poorest 'comebacks' I've seen. It was so kind of Marvel and Jenkins to release 'The Return' to wash the bad taste of Jason Todd away with something more rank.
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Only a flouncy polesmoker would bitch and whine about having to give up wearing green scaled speedos and elf booties.
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It'd be kind of '80s nostalgia thing. We could wear mullets and play White Snake, Great White, and uh...boy, them '80s hair metal guys were white! What a success it'd be. Everyone who'd ever wanted to vote to kill Jason Todd, or anybody, could relive those heady days for the first time. Kind of like those baby boomers who vacation in Ho Chi Minh City to get the 'Nam experience, or the wannabe 20 year old hippies who go to Woodstock. Hey, Marvel never held a vote to kill a character...which is probably a point in their favor, but what I'm saying is still somewhat valid.
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...but they had problems with the hotline from Florida. Robin II was axed not by the Joker, but a new supervillain: Hanging Chad.
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My apologies ladies, it's your turn.How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven.Why do men fart more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's told.I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.Why do men die before their wives? They want to.Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.That's all folks, see you in the funny papers. (*_^)
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"Fuckin' narc, man.""You can tell he's a narc.""Yer not foolin' anybody, narc.""You should smoke some of this, narc, then you wouldn't be such a narc.""Put that shit away, man. The Narc'll narc.""What a narc thing to do, dude.""Fuckin' narc."
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I fuckin' hate 80's hair metal (unlike Bug, who's dumb) but I'd totally go see the Great Whitelionsnake supertour just for the name.
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Van Halen rocks, and you know it Sleazy!
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Scottish Zombies! "HA! But no, I hate you."Giles! (glasses, Brit accent and tweed *drools* I need to go watch The Dark Age, Band Candy, and A New Man again..) Spike hints! "I'd like to test that theory.." ("Two To Go" reference and glowiness!)
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Reading them back to back nearly gave me a Whedongasm. If AXM, Runaways, and Buffy hit on the same Wednesday my head may explode.
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Remember the ol' Marvel vs. Dc debate we had going on? I wrote a massive goddamn post about that. The final verdict? One word, bitch. VERTIGO. DC is cooler because they said "fuck" first. Although I think Marvel may have been the first to say "I'm going to fuck you until you pass out," and in their own universe, no less.
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The male chauvinist pig... Well, here's how it's always gone for me.
What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?
A stupid bitch that won't shut up.
What do you call an eaorexic with a yeast infection?
A quarter-pounder with cheese
And then I also recentmy heard a really awful anti-semetic and racist joke that I'm not sure I'm even ready for. But... (goodbye dignity)
What's the worst thing about being a black Jew?
You have to sit at the back of the oven.
And with that, I bid you adeu. (I know that must be misspelled, but who cares? French sucks.) -
Ah, the young. I can't tell you why they weren't, but they weren't. Memorial Day, 1983. US Festival. Devore, CA. 19 year old Buzz Maverik and his sidekick Eriglione and their non-heterosexual best friend Rog have just scored some acid off some guy who was walking all over everybody's blankets yelling, "Anybody wanna buy some acid?" It hasn't really kicked in yet, so I go to the porta-john (because would you really wanna be in a renta-poop while on acid?. I'm on my way to the Biergarten, fake ID in hand, to catch up with the guys when this girl who gave me a hit off a pike made from a bottle of eyedrops (say what you will about stoners, they are the real MacGuyvers. A stoner can make a pipe out of anything)run past me to the fence leading up to the stage. David Lee Roth is walking by unattended. I do the Roth howl and he does it back. I tell him he's who we're really here to see (lying because Ozzy is on the bill; Rog had killed a rattlesnake outside the gate and wanted to give it to Ozzy as an offering). Dave says something profound that changed my life,"Fuck yeah! What's going on?" I tell him I just did a blotter and he asks if I got another and I say, "What, do I look like I'm made of blotters?" He laughs and says not to cut wise with him because he'll fuck my girlfriend. I tell him I haven't got a girlfriend but if I can come back stage maybe one of his rejects will volunteer. He says he doesn't reject any of 'em. I tell him that I don't do any less myself. One of his handlers spots us and realizes that he's run into a shirtless geek who can do this all day, just like Dave so he hustles Dave away. I think by the time Dave performed that night, he'd got a blotter from somebody, though. It was hard to tell because Eriglione kept yelling at us because we'd thrown his clothes on the bonfire. In our defnese, it was cold...even colder for Eriglione but no one told him to strip down to his drawers. Anyway, you can see why they're not hair metal.
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Apr 08, 2007 11:38:53 PM CDT
I Once Broke Up With A Girl Who Liked White Rattlesnake
by buzz maverik
I could never decide whether I broke up with her because she liked White Snake or because she was too dumb to get its' name right."Springsteen at the forum was the most amazing thing I've ever seen!""My favorite concert was White Rattlesnake.""I hate you."
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We are SO going to hell (Not that I mind, they've got the best drugs). Regarding Vertigo I agree, that imprint kicks BOTH Marvel and DC's asses (do NOT lump Vertigo with DC talkbackers, that's sophistry at it's finest)
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And the rest were wannabes with a derivative 80s sound?And an update for those who wanted apprisal on that four-different-levelss-happening-in-a-comics-page-thing-I was working-on: Page 13! Page 13! http://tinyurl.com/2ndlxp
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Naysayers will be disemboweled.
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I'm sorry. I don't listen to Van Halen. But if High Five's fans, maybe I can get down with them. Dig? Dig?
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Being a little younger than the characters in FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH, it wasn't Led Zeppelin IV that we listened to before going out to strike out with a chick (and in the movie, the Rat was listening to PHYSICAL GRAFFITI, which was a great album, but showed what a dork the Rat was), it was side two of the self titled VAN HALEN. I sorta prefer VAN HALEN II overall, but the first is the sentimental favorite. DIVER DOWN is also up there because I assoicate that one with becoming a non-virgin. It wasn't playing at the time, but it was their new one and I was listening to it a lot.HIGH FIVE was published a little before the rise of Van Halen. Let's find out their favorite 70s bands, shall we:STONIE:"Pink Floyd, except for THE FUCKING WALL, man."WASTED WAYNE:"Zepplin. What was the question?"LOAD-O:"I was just listening to the Eagles."Q-LUDE:"You think yer so mature. BOC, man. Blue Oyster Cult."RESINATOR:"Cult is Sabbath for wusses, which you are and I'm not, so I'm sayin' Sabbath."THE NARC:"Rush!...Why's everybody looking at me like that?"
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Van Halen made THE. BEST. VERSION. of that song EVER (EVER, I TELL YOU BITCHES!). And it just so happened to be on what album? That's right 'Diver Down'. Schooled, bitches.
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*KA-BANG!!!* Die Rogue Monday, Die!!!
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"Where Have All The Good Times Gone?" My friends and I always joked that after "You Really Got Me", VH would cover The Kinks' most famous song "Lola". Instead, they covered their third most famous song. Around that time, the Kinks were doing songs that mentioned superheroes (ie Superman in "Wish I Could Fly" and Captain America in "Catch Me Now, I'm Falling"). That album also featured a great version of "Oh, Pretty Woman." I liked that album because the band wasn't afraid of go against the hippie songwriting thing and do some fast and loose covers. I like most of their pre-Hagar stuff (I like Sam too, but not with Van Halen; before VH Sammy was sort of a local hero, regional star. I liked Van Halen with Roth and I liked Sammy's solo stuff, but to me, Van Hagar was just Journey with a better guitar player and worse songwriting). FAIR WARNING was their late sophmore slump (the guys got left back) but "Dirty Movies" became a favorite because it's about the Rialto Theater in South Pasadena, which I started attending when I lived there.
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"Ain't Talkin' Bout Love".
Okay, fine...and maybe "Panama". But that's it. And that's two more than I can stomach by most hair metal bands. Motley Crue? Whitesnake? Ratt? Warrant? Not on your fuckin' life. Def Leppard? Extreme? Wasp? Winger? Feh. Buncha pussies, all of 'em. There were guys back then who actually rocked, y'know? And instead these douches got all the attention. Doubleyou tee eff, man? -
"...ease the seat back.." I've been having Hot For Teacher go through my head all day. Is that a good thing? And does Guns N Roses qualify as hair metal?
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...squeaks by. A lot of it sucks, but just enough of it doesn't to make 'em tolerable.
Best G'N'R moment ever: Jim Carrey as an asshole movie star lip-synching "Welcome To The Jungle" in Dirty Harry's "The Dead Pool" mere minutes before he's killed on-screen. Classic. -
i'm guessing posts were deleted?
anyway, i just wanted to chime in to say how much i loved seeing the hall of justice back. i couldn't believe it.
was carrey really in dead pool? I think i remember hearing that. will have to (or maybe won't) check it out. -
I'm going to have to start shooting people if I don't get a single frickin comment on that one troublesome comics page of mine. It's not even like I'm looking for praise. I want vile acidic criticism, darnit! I'm a masochist, couldn't you tell that already?Oh, and good morning, gents.
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I'm afraid we're gonna gave to disagree on Motley Crue. Far, far too many joints were blazed in 1984 to them, Ozzy, Dio, and Iron Maiden. Then again, I consider everything AFTER 'Shout at the Devil' to be completely sucktastic. (And Eddie Money's 'Shakin' will EVER own your asses)
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...for me, that's the thing: to me, Crue just doesn't belong in the same sentence as the others you mentioned. I'd rather listen to Rainbow or Maiden than Crue any day of the week. Or S.O.D. or Anthrax or early Metallica or Motorhead.
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That the line "Not yet a man, just a punk in the streeeeeets!" from "Too young to fall in love" resonated a bit much with me. (I stole quite a few cars as a teenager.)
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Quite possibly the suckiest band ever. Me and my dad are up skiing. Some asshole kids are hanging out in the parking lot, listening to fucking JOURNEY. MY dad looks at em and says \"What the hell? That shit sucked when I was a kid.\" Good times. Good times.
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Oops.. I didn't realize we had chickens in here.. Good thing it was a chicken..
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"Why me" has GOT to be one of the hardest rockin' songs you've likely never heard of. Download it, crank it, and see what I mean.
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*BOOM* I'm moving up to cannons.
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I've always preferred Batman in doses.
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Complete done-in-ones save for that Stuart Moore fill-in two-parter. The latest was a Harley Quinn feature!
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Mebbe I'll tradewait 'em....moving costs money!
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The first trade's already out, even, though. Dini's doing awesome things with Riddler.
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For most unintentionally pornographic statement of the day: Thalya! "Dini's doing awesome things with Riddler."
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_I'd_ like to do awesome things with Riddler (if I can't have my Noah, that is).
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Frrom The Invisibles as drawn by Duncan Fegredo. He did a few pages for a Vertigo preview a few years back that nearly gave me wood.
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Clownshoes, I say..
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To prop up the Tb this week. If so, we're living up to our name. Viva La Cog Smooch!!(*_^)
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If you hear gunfire, well.. is one little comment so hard?
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I'm here, but I gotta go! But first…
Super Max sounds super bad. Why Ollie? He can't shoot a bow in prison?!?! Maybe if it was, Deadshot or somebody lower tiered?
Simone leaving BoP? At least McKeever is taking over.
*BEEP BEEP* -
test
test
test -
The hell with it, this TBs dead, so for those of you who can't access MySpace..
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Thumbnails: http://tinyurl.com/3b2cm6
PAGE 13: (2-1-2-3. These panel shapes strain to keep their squareness and order, but the sudden angularity in panel 3 starts a chain reaction, which row 3 tries to fight, but the final row descends in height somewhat sharply, looking like shattered glass)
Note: Ok, we're gonna try something here for the main panels. When I start referencing rear view mirrors what we're really seeing in them are Calc's thoughts, and if the first view is set up right then the progression in them shouldn't be confusing for the reader.
PANEL 1: Scene setting panel. It's a bright, warm day out and a black sedan is stuck in moderately heavy traffic on an interstate (rightmost lane), and there's a smoking accident some ways down the road. Angle from behind to the left and focus on the driver's window. The gentleman driving's got the window rolled down and is resting out an elbow with his cuff rolled up. Gee, who could this be? A business traveler late to a meeting? Nah..
SFX: beep beep beep
DRIVER: Yeah, whaddyawant?
PERSON ON THE LINE: So who's pushing your buttons today?
CAPTION: I suppose I have some splainin' to do..
PANEL 2: Inside the car, behind the driver's seat so we can see Calc driving and taking the call. But more importantly on the far right side we get Katie's left leg covered by a blanket save for down by the foot where we can see her bag peeking out from under, propping up her leg. Also importantly, we can see the accident straight ahead in the distance through the windshield, the smoke extending both ways, towards Calc's right temple and more voluminously towards the windshield-mounted rearview mirror (like thought bubble clouds!). Inside the rearview mirror, instead of the expected rear view, we get the exact same image as in the panel, minus the accident: that is, we see the back of Calc's head as he drives and a wide windshield showing nothing but a clear straight road. Keep Katie's captions right-justified, save for the first, which gets placed first in the top left corner.
CAPTION: Why him?
CALC: Len! You make it out or is this your one phone call?
CAPTAIN COLD (on the line): I'm in the clear. Mardon came back for me.
CAPTION: Somewhere along the way I wanted to write my daydreams down.
CAPTION (just above Katie's bag): (that's what's in the bag)
CALC: Good to know. The others?
CAPTAIN COLD: Not so lucky.
CALC: Rather like my mark..
CAPTION: But I wanted to do it well, so I studied storytelling however I could.
PANEL 3: Make this panel look something like a jagged or angled rearview mirror, and we see Calc's upper face (eyes most important- he's looking into the mirror) reflected large in it, capturing a sudden startlement breaking his otherwise business demeanor.
CAPTION: When I read Identity Crisis, well.. I fell in love.
CAPTAIN COLD: Shoulda told us about the Titans then..
CALC: I--
CAPTION: Sure, there were the looks and the impeccable dress sense..
CAPTION: (suspenders! I'd swoon if I weren't already KO'ed)
CAPTION: And of course the brains.
(break captions/dialogue to right side of panel/other side of Calc's head)
CAPTAIN COLD: Calculator.. You really sure this'll..
CALC: It better.
CAPTION: But in a few well-chosen strokes, here, suddenly, was someone new and unique to this universe.
CAPTION: Unlike, say, Superman or Batman, here was a well of depth and potential just waiting to be realized.
CAPTION: My wonder was caught.
PANEL 4: From Calc's rear-left, just to vary the angles a bit. We still need to see the rear-view mirror, where something odd has shown up. It doesn't have to be the cleanest as the colors placed right should tell it best, but in the rear view mirror Superman has apparently shown up, standing in the road in front of the car. Yet in reality we might also see enough to see that there's only cars in front of the vehicle, just as shown before. Calc has a hand to his head: is he adjusting his headset or showing signs of panic?
CAPTION: Here was a villain who wasn't relegated to a rogues gallery, who could crossover into any book.
CAPTION: He's a nexus for bringing disparate characters together in an infinitude of new stories that wouldn't have been possible before.
CAPTAIN COLD: Listen, Calc, it was a small job with problems, but it still beat the hell out of losing in a Luthor Big Ego Society..
CALC: You're just saying that 'cause you got to lead.
CAPTAIN COLD: That too.
CAPTION: The universe is literally at his fingertips.
PANEL 5: Closer on that rearview mirror now, only the rear top right of Calc's head making it into the panel, straight on the mirror as we see that Superman is gone from in front of the car, now open road again, but the rearview mirror pictured inside our rearview mirror image shows that Batman has just arrived behind the car. Maybe have the both rearview mirrors be a bit enhanced and larger than what they would be in real life so they can better accommodate the images.
CAPTION: And he's a villain with friends.
CALC: Look, I wouldn't've trusted an operation like this to just anyone..
CAPTAIN COLD: I'm still not your friend, pal. Digger was your friend.
CALC (nearly under his breath): May he rest in peace.
CAPTAIN COLD: I nearly got nuked in that little fireworks display of yours!
CALC: You were in the jet?
CAPTAIN COLD: They were tracking Mardon, take a wild guess!
CALC: Oh sh..
CAPTION: A villain with a sense of decency? A villain you could trust?
PANEL 6: Angle from behind Calc on the left: he's resting his elbow and looking out his open window at the side rearview mirror, seeing an optically impossible image of him sticking his closed hands out the window of the car in a "I give up/Cuff me" gesture.
CAPTION: But mostly, he's a former Z-lister who scrapped his way up to the A-list.
CALC: Look, it matters to me things got this far. And tell Mardon to stop snickering.
CALC: If you want a bonus for not snitching, fine, but you're gonna have to wait a week. I'm already transmitting more than I'd like right now.
CAPTAIN COLD: I want the terms here and now, not from your cell.
CAPTION: His genius was there from the start, with his M.O. and his tech, but he never went anywhere with that.
PANEL 7: Angle from Calc's right so we can see images in both the main and left side rearview mirrors: they've both gone pitch black, no images. Calc looks down at his unconscious passenger as she stirs (stir lines on panel, but her, not so much), his face tinged with a hint of emotion, some kind of desperation. At the same time, this is probably the most we see visually of him on this page, kind of like he's laid bare.
CAPTION: How many villains give themselves complete makeovers?
CAPTION: What in him helped him find his own unconventional path and thrive, not once, but twice?
PANEL 8: Finally, on a sleeping Katie, whose head is starting to roll to the side, eyes slightly slitted. She's waking up and this is where we came in.
CAPTION: How'd he do it?
CALC: Have it your way, but.. -
Methinks it doth.
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Granted it's fanfiction, but.. argh.. must...finish...ending...so you can see the killer last page (which is then topped by issue 3's last page).
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I am going to have to wait until you finish to re-read from the start.
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Thank you Psy! I needed that kick in my ass, I genuinely did! No more thumbnails til I get the actual writing done, moreover. (though I have to ask, from a technical p-o-v, is there anything I can reduce/truncate/omit on that page above?)
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But I may change my mind once I read the whole if that makes sense. Sometimes I've found you NEED to see the whole to see what it can do without.
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Though I've been conscious of trying to not have redundant info.. All I know is right now there's too many words for the page and the "He's a nexus for bringing disparate characters together in an infinitude of new stories that wouldn't have been possible before" line doesn't work for me.
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Bitches.
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yep...
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was sexy. very sexy indeed
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