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Massawyrm Wishes He'd Remained A PERFECT STRANGER!!
Hola all. Massawyrm here.
Wow! In the tradition of Mercury Rising and Hostage, Bruce Willis returns as the Perfect Stranger! With a huge summer blockbuster waiting in the wings and a geek-chic film hitting theatres this weekend, there’s only one thing left for ole Bruce to do. That’s right. Collect a paycheck. Without breaking a sweat, Bruce is ready to phone every last ounce of it in to earn every last zero he gets. Wait…what? Halle “Oh shit, I was African in the last two, wasn’t I” Berry’s the star? Oh, fuck that. Too easy.
Put those two together in a sexy psycho thriller that lacks both sex and thrills and what you have left is a tepid, paint by numbers piece of studio garbage that paints way outside the lines in the last five minutes, and has echoes of the recent The Number 23. Except that The Number 23 was actually good up until a point. This never is. It’s fairly standard, almost forgivable mediocre fare…until the end.
Really. It’s not that the movie is unbearably awful. For the most part it’s just lame. It’s the kind of shit my mom and dad would watch on a Friday night in their den and not completely hate. But they wouldn’t exactly like it either.
The film is riddled with trite, lazy bullshit and ham-fisted attempts at exposition that FEELS 100% like they’re trying to force exposition. Hell, we’re given cues for the first 20 minutes of the film reminding us how attractive Halle Berry is. Yeah. Like we need to be fucking told. We get it. She’s hot. Does every character in the movie have to tell us? But when, just 15 minutes into the movie, Halle begins to stare out the window and we see flashbacks of what just happened in the last few scenes, just to make sure we’re all caught up, you realize what you’re in for. This movie WAS made for my mom and dad to watch in their Den on a Friday night! The director is sitting right there, just outside of frame, with spoon firmly in hand, to feed you every last bit of the plot. Because you’re gonna need it for the stunner of an ending.
No. Really. The ending is a stunner. You won’t see it coming. It’ll catch you completely off guard. Because it is so fucking implausible, so fucking ridiculous, that when you finally understand what the movie’s about, what all the retarded, child molesting step-dad in the bathroom flashbacks really mean, you get pissed that this was the steaming dogshit this film was really shoveling. Perfect Stranger is just plain lying to you. It’s not that you can’t figure the mystery out. It’s that all of the relevant facts are being held back until the very last moment so the cast can jump out of the fucking dark and yell ‘SURPRISE!” Wow. Great. Awesome. What a fucking crock.
What tries to be sexy, isn’t. I don’t care how many times you pan down to Halle Berry’s ass while she’s walking. Her being hot as hell doesn’t generate sexual tension. But the movie does give the distinct impression that it wants to be sexual, without ever being able to seal the deal. You know – kind of like me in high school. It’s fumbling in the dark for its pecker while completely forgetting to take the girls bra off first.
But as lazy as the writing and directing is on this, most of the cast seems to be trying. Giovanni Ribisi continues his longtime trend of taking films that never quite equal his talent, once again turning in a top-notch performance for a film not worthy of it. And while Halle definitely doesn’t suck in this one, she certainly continues her long, post-Oscar slide into oblivion. If anyone needs a good role, and quick, it’s Halle. And Bruce. Oh Bruce. I think there was a scene in which he almost woke up, but I’m not certain. Maybe the director poked him with a stick and he stirred in his sleep.
Really, this movie has zero to offer anyone that isn’t lying half awake on a couch without the energy to change the channel. As long as they don’t doze off before the unbelievable explanation at the end! Pshaw. I’d write more about this film, but really, who are we kidding? This thing will be forgotten long before anyone finished reading it.
Until next time friends, smoke ‘em if ya got ‘em.
Massawyrm
Seriously, did I really get through the entire review of a film called Perfect Stranger without making one Cousin Larry/Balki Bartokomous joke? Don’t be ridiculous.
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Before the bilibobkas explode.
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Ben Foster is excellent as a psycho teen who loses it at the end. All a bit hammy, but a good larf anyway! Tears of the Sun however....Hmmm. Monica was extra sexy but that clunker was hard work. Plain just not gonna watch Number 23 after the reviews, and someone gave away the twist in that recent Talkback where we all gave spoliers from every movie we've ever see lol.
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I thought I was in some sort of Groundhog Day thing when the stories were the same as 3 days ago. Off topic - just watched Children of Men (on a portable DVD player at work - yeah, what a life). Awsome movie. I thought it would be great but it was so much better. And I'll be passing on this peice of shit. Until Berry does porn, I'm not interested in her .... now to search the web for some nuddie pics of her.
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action / thriller it should have been. Now Firewall - theres a great movie. You know I'm joking - they were both sub par.
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it's him. he's the villain.
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What the hell happened to James Foley? He was doing alright for a while, what with After Dark, My Sweet and Glengarry Glen Ross and whatnot. Since then, pretty much crap.On a similar note, what the hell happened to Ben Foster at the end of Hostage? One minute he's just this creepy jerk, next thing you know he's turned into the bastard son of Leon, El Mariachi and The Crow. What was that all about?
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and beyond being a kidnap story. I just didnt get it. None of the characters backstory were clearly defined at all. So the bit where bruce's family in the movie gets kidnapped didnt make sense. The movie got more and more confused as it went along.
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what I'm guessing was the TV premier trailer? It was nearly 2 minutes long, and by the tone of it, you'd think you were really going to be seeing something special. But halfway through it, you start to realize it's just a high-budget Lifetime movie. I remember thinking, "That's it? Oh. "
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thanks, Massa...
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Sometimes the world looks perfect, Nothing to rearrange.
Sometimes you get a feeling
Like you need some kind of change ... & Now we do the dance of Joy! -
come on, its not like anyone out there would mind a nice spoiler for this one. give up the skinny, what happened at the end?
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Hardcore R-rated thrills we rarely get these days, and even some emotional parts, plus slick widescreen cinematography and a lush score. Seriously, it's one of Bruce's best recent films.
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review of this months ago, warning us what a piece of junk this is? As far as the new DH trailer goes though, as over the top it looks, I'm there. And wasn't DH3 rather over the top also..?
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bad film. Its like his signal to the fans or something.Hostage is much better than expected from all the bashing, just ending goes awry.
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maybe you got through the review without making the required joke but I didn't
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SPOILER! When i saw a test screening i said pretty much the same thing: its a lifeless bore. and they had 3 endings to choose from, but the one they showed us reveals that she is the killer. Look for the test screening review for a partial explanation. I assume its the same. The other two endings made slightly more sense but it didnt matter since the movie would still be awful either way. Worst BW movie ever. And I mean EVER. I'd rather watch Whole Ten Yards or even North.
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Rise and FALLL!!!!!!!!
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Sometimes the world looks perfect,
Nothing to rearrange.
Sometimes you get a feeling
Like you need some kind of change.
No matter what the odds are this time,
Nothing's going to stand in my way.
This flame in my heart,
And a long lost friend
Gives every dark street a light at the end.
Standing tall, on the wings of my dream.
Rise and fall, on the wings of my dream.
The rain and thunder
The wind and haze
I'm bound for better days.
It's my life and my dream,
Nothing's going to stop me now. -
...eh...you get the idea...no peace, no Balki...blah blah blah. We all know by now to avoid most Bruce movies where he never picks up a gun. And COLOR OF NIGHT is THE worst Willis film. Low budget, HBO or Cinemax skin flick...heck, maybe more on a ON or SELECT TV original movie! Just horrible. Only devent part is seeing Jane March showing the flesh...aside from that...well, let's just say Bruce glued the hair back on for that one.
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Is an indelible but unwanted image. Serves me right for reading carefully.
I do hope you've learned a bit more then. Open your zipper first before you take it out, friend. It's less painful that way. -
I saw it coming a mile off, and . . . it was mostly just lame. Massawyrm was right. This is me, signing off . . . from the future! Cuz I didn't watch this one until the DVD came out. And was part of the MVP rent-as-many-as-you-want program at Hollywood video.
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