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Neill Cumpston’s Written The Only GRINDHOUSE Review You Ever Need To Read!!

Hey, everyone. ”Moriarty” here. Y’know, the really scary part of running Neill’s reviews is that I am starting to understand the way he thinks. Having seen GRINDHOUSE on Friday night, this pretty much sums up my reaction. Sure, he expresses himself a little more... colorfully... but this pretty much says it all, and it says it exactly how it needs to be said. I completely agree with his spoilers, by the way. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the only GRINDHOUSE review that matters...


Remember, when George W. Bush was elected, and he said that thing about how, by 2008, we’d have “movies that would explode in our balls like a shotgun filled with handjobs”? Well, that promise came true two days ago when I saw GRINDHOUSE in Hollywood. Except not only was it a shotgun full of handjobs exploding in my balls, but also my balls suddenly knew how to make fire using karate. All from seeing GRINDHOUSE, a movie that’s made of screaming car crash zombie boobs. It isn’t even a movie – it’s TWO movies with some trailers and stuff at the beginning, and also between the movies. The directors – more about them in a second (there’s TWO!) – wanted to recreate the way movies were back in the 1920’s, when you could sell a script that was one page that just said, “TITS THEN A MONSTER THEN MORE TITS THEN AN EXPLOSION THEN BONUS TITS” and everyone knew what you were talking about. Also, there’s zombies getting killed by a helicopter, which is not only cool to look at, but shows how the movie-makers did some research, to make things realistic. First off, the movie lets you know you’re going to get your poop kicked out of you, formed into a set of brass knuckles, and now here comes a poop-punch. Because they show a trailer for a movie I need to see RIGHT NOW with my eyes (I already saw it in my head when I was driving last week and Van Halen’s “Panama” came on the radio and I’d just started eating a Payday). It’s called MACHETE, and it’s got that Mexican guy who’s always in movies where there’s people who really need knives stuck into them, and he’s always, “Here, let’s get those knives in you”. Danny something. Whatever his last name is, he should change it to, “Fuck-a-dilly” because everyone says that automatic when they see him, because he’s going to bring the fuck-a-dilly to the movie, which will probably involve a foot, a face, and foot-face-fuckup. Also, Cheech from Cheech and The Chong is in the trailer, and he’s a priest and he’s shooting people, which is ironic, I think. Then the first movie starts. It’s called PLANET OF TERROR, and it’s about a planet (which looks a lot like Earth) that’s made of pure terror. Here’s how shit-scream terrorizing it is: there’s these mutated kill-monsters, but even BEFORE they show up there’s all this fucking terror. Like a doctor who wants to kill his doctor wife, and the doctor wife is always sticking these three needles into people which fucks them up, and there’s a sheriff who’s played by that Reese guy from TERMINATOR robot. The sheriff looks like he’s always going to kill someone by crushing a bunch of walnuts in his mouth and spitting the shells through their skull. So, there’s a lot of shit like that, plus Fergie’s cleave, some bar-b-q, bad parenting, Bruce Willis turning into a monster, and Rose McGowan with a machine gun for a leg. I’ve never seen a woman I wanted so bad to rub one out to, but also kind of killed my boner in a way that gave me a bigger boner. Oh yeah, she almost-nude dances for the first three minutes of the movie and even though she doesn’t get totally naked I need to go buy three extra PAUSE buttons for my remote by the time the DVD comes out.

Rose McGowan will make you cluster-spooge in your pants.

PLANET OF TERROR is directed by Robert Rodriquez, which is all I need to say. In fact, instead of his name on poster saying, “Directed By”, he can legally change his name to a picture of a naked Viking woman on a snowmobile with flamethrowers out the back and the flamethrowers are killing a Yeti. That’s the level of guaranteed quality his name brings to stuff. Then there’s three other trailers – one by Rob Zombie that involves Nazis and werewolves (more factual research), one by Edgar Wright that made me laugh harder than seeing an old man give the finger to a fat kid, and then one by Eli Roth that Eli Roth should make. Actually, the fake trailers are kind of a bummer, because I really wish they weren’t fake. Maybe the government will put some “don’t be a pussy” drug in the water supply, and everyone will go see this instead of PILLOW FIGHT AND SCENTED CANDLES AND BOREDOM, or whatever Sandra Bullock movie’s coming out, and they’ll make more of these. Then the second movie started. It’s called DEATH PROOF. You know what it isn’t-PROOF? Boner-inducing proof. This one was directed by Quentin Tarantino, who’s been an actor in stuff like RESERVOIR DOGS and PULP FICTION (he’s also in PLANET OF TERROR and DEATH PROOF). This is his first directing job and the dude KICKS ALL SPECTRUM OF ASS. He kicks ass that isn’t even in the ass area. Like, his director skills are so stripper-with-chainsaw good they make you grow asses on other parts of your body that he then kicks. I hope he directs more movies. I would see them, burn down the theater, and then call the fire department so I could tell all the fireman about what a kick-ass movie it was. When they started to attack me with axes, I’d fly away because Quentin’s movie would have given me ninja flight. DEATH PROOF is about this dude, Driver Mike, and he’s played by Kurt Plissken, and goddamn but that dude just gets more bad-ass as he gets older. You know how Sly Stallone kind of looks like Bea Arthur now, and Jean-Claude Van Damme looks like Ally Sheedy? Well, Kurt Plissken looks like a dumpster full of drop kicks. He could fuck a bulldozer into eight Mini Coopers. Fuck, I should pitch that to someone. Anyway, he’s this crazy dude who gets off by killing four girls at a time in cars. Like, he’s got this car, this death proof stunt car, and he kills women by either 1. Giving them a ride in the car, and bashing them around in this special seat so they feel like they’ve watched the PINK PANTHER remake twelve times or 2. Going all Mad Max meets Humungous head-on dead-on kill-crazy.

The title, DEATH PROOF, refers to Kurt’s car being “death proof”.


We get to see Kurt fucking up these four hotties with a car crash, but then – and this is where, if you’re with your girlfriend, she’ll realize how sensitive you are – he fucks with the wrong women, and let’s just say the audience I saw it with almost gave the ending a standing ovation. But their boners would have knocked over popcorn and sodas, so they just happy- screamed instead. First 300 and now this? I think the summer of 2007 just went, “Hey, let me take you to a free taquito buffet” and you eat all these taquitos and then the summer goes, “Here comes a foot to your stomach”, but you go, “It’s full of taquitos” but it’s too late – there’s a boot in your stomach only the boot is really a motorcycle and you puke up a bikini girl who blows you and then kills your boss with a hammer. That’s what GRINDHOUSE is. It’s a taquito buffet that you puke up after getting hit with a motorcycle, and it turns into a bikini chick that blows you and kills your boss with a hammer. Rodriguez and Tarantino probably don’t read this site, but someone should tell them they can use that last paragraph as a quick blurb.
Readers Talkback
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  • March 25, 2007, 12:43 p.m. CST


    by King Sweyn Forkbeard

    Walks away slowly.....

  • March 25, 2007, 12:43 p.m. CST

    I love this kinda shit

    by optimus122

    2 movies by these 2 guys should be real sweet...Rose M is a hottie , with great boobs..more boobs is always good in my opinion.

  • March 25, 2007, 12:44 p.m. CST

    That was a great review

    by cerebulon

    Every review should be like this.

  • March 25, 2007, 12:46 p.m. CST

    I still think that "Death Proof" sounds lame.

    by DerLanghaarige

    And I'm not talking about the title.

  • March 25, 2007, 12:48 p.m. CST

    Well, that's sold me. Neill Cumpston should do the marketing.

    by siouxfire

    ...I'd love to see the posters.

  • March 25, 2007, 12:55 p.m. CST

    Mori should be looking over his shoulder...

    by The Continental

    Cause Neil is gunnin' for his job!

  • March 25, 2007, 12:56 p.m. CST

    He should be the only reviewer on this site.

    by El Scorcho

    And sadly, I'm sure most of the current "reviewers" for this site would agree.

  • March 25, 2007, 1:02 p.m. CST

    PLANT! This dude should review everything everything -

    by kinghenryVIII

    from Disney to DVD's. Give this guy a pay check and a condo in Austin. Send this turkey out to do interviews, ala Stuttering John from Stern .... or Triumph the Dog .... it would be classic.<p> Thanks Neil! Boners and boobs brotha!

  • March 25, 2007, 1:06 p.m. CST

    Fuck the Weinsteins

    by SpencerTrilby

    These rats will force me to sell my PS3 so I can buy a plane ticket to see this epic future masterpiece of cinematic achievement in US theaters, instead of this crappy 2-parts european release. Fuck.

  • March 25, 2007, 1:08 p.m. CST

    Good Reviews

    by Black Satin 2

    I kinda think Rodriguez tries to ape Tarartino in his films. He should have found a way to get Frank Miller to help him with this one. I don't need to be sold on Quintin. He's such a technican that even if this is a revenge flick of 4 girls getting their comeons he's going to make this good. Still, I'd like to see him do an Escape from Vegas flick with Kurt. Just have Plisken go to Vegas and they don't need to make it a maximum security nothing. Let him just cap Wayne Newton's butt. The End.

  • March 25, 2007, 1:09 p.m. CST

    One of the most entertaining reviews I've ever read...


    that didn't give any indication that the reviewer actually saw the movie.

  • March 25, 2007, 1:14 p.m. CST

    tarantino, first directing job!?!?

    by audioboxer

    DUDE!! how the HELL can you say that this is quentin's first job at directing!?!? maybe you haven't heard of Kill Bill, Jackie Brown, Pulp Fiction, Reservoir Dogs!?!?! HELLOO! dumbass.......

  • March 25, 2007, 1:16 p.m. CST

    pretty darn hillarious

    by T 1000 xp professional

    that bikini girl that kills your boss....still cracking up....

  • March 25, 2007, 1:17 p.m. CST

    I like this review

    by INWOsuxRED

    I hope I like the movie too. It looks like some silly cheese.

  • March 25, 2007, 1:18 p.m. CST

    yeah second that on that first directing gig

    by T 1000 xp professional

    In case that's a joke, I don't get it....

  • March 25, 2007, 1:19 p.m. CST

    Please Harry! Hire Cumpston!

    by Beastmanseventy

    He needs to be the one getting the festival passes and interviews. Can you imagine this guy interviewing Rodriguez?

  • March 25, 2007, 1:21 p.m. CST

    you had me at "screaming car crash zombie boobs"

    by newc0253

    that is all.

  • March 25, 2007, 1:25 p.m. CST

    The "First directing job" was pretty funny

    by Beastmanseventy

    I don't know how someone could not get it.

  • March 25, 2007, 1:29 p.m. CST

    Hugely enjoyable review.

    by C Legion

    Great fun. Utterly nonsensical, and it completely lacks any credibility as a critical examination of a film. Yet still well worth reading, I'd certainly like to see more reviews by this guy.

  • March 25, 2007, 1:30 p.m. CST

    ..... Audioboxer

    by MetiphisLabs

    It was a joke, like when he called Kurt Russel "Kurt Plissken". It's written by a guy that knows what he's talking about, like a guy that doesn't know what he's talking about, purposely to enhance the blind, groping excitement that the movie causes. So lets not toss around the term "dumbass" so hastily there slugger.

  • March 25, 2007, 1:35 p.m. CST

    This review just reminded me of Vern.

    by filmicdrummer17

    Where's HIS take on Grindhouse?

  • March 25, 2007, 1:36 p.m. CST

    This guys reviews...

    by avs28785

    are unbelievable awesome. oh yeah MetiphisLabs well put....I never thought anyone would have to explain Cumpston's reviews, sadly i was wrong. Keep it up Cumpston!

  • March 25, 2007, 1:37 p.m. CST

    Nice review.....

    by Quake II

    And I appreciate the info about the bonus trailers as well. I am more excited to seee this now. And now I'm more anxious to see Death Proof than Planet Terror.

  • March 25, 2007, 1:37 p.m. CST

    We really need 'The Illustrated Neill Cumpston'.

    by Nocturnaloner

    Only instead of the expected comic book treatment, it should look like a Gutenberg Bible. With screaming car crash zombie boobs. And taquitos.

  • March 25, 2007, 1:39 p.m. CST

    After reading that review

    by Dr Lisa Cuddy

    I just ovulated. In my mouth.

  • March 25, 2007, 1:50 p.m. CST

    Another KICK-COCK review by Neill!!!

    by Mr. Nice Gaius

    Grindhouse & Neill Cumpston = a match made in film review heaven. Great stuff.<P>"The Illustrated Neill Cumpston" - it's a coffee table book.

  • March 25, 2007, 1:54 p.m. CST

    so yeah...

    by nastygram

    that review was so good it got me to create an account simply to say that. I'll agree with the others and say that Neil should review for aicn all the goddamn time.

  • March 25, 2007, 1:56 p.m. CST

    This is the best writing of any kind I have ever read.

    by stupidpunname

    Best review of any movie ever, on AICN or anywhere else in the world. This guy Cumpston should review movies for the New York Times.

  • March 25, 2007, 1:57 p.m. CST


    by maluquiro

    yeah, this reminded me of vern, only with no soul. but i'm excited for the movie.

  • March 25, 2007, 1:58 p.m. CST


    by drew mcweeny

    You know what they say about people who assume things, don't you? <P>I know Patton Oswalt. And I know Neill Cumpston. And they are distinctly different people.

  • March 25, 2007, 2:11 p.m. CST

    Tom Bodetious

    by seppukudkurosawa

    Cumpston is Moriarty. /end.

  • March 25, 2007, 2:13 p.m. CST


    by drew mcweeny

    Did I insult you? No. <P>I'm not sure why you feel the need, but if it makes you feel better on this lovely Sunday afternoon, go ahead.

  • March 25, 2007, 2:17 p.m. CST

    it still made me laugh

    by maluquiro

    but no soul.

  • March 25, 2007, 2:22 p.m. CST

    He could fuck a bulldozer into eight Mini Coopers.

    by mondoz2

    That is all.

  • March 25, 2007, 2:22 p.m. CST


    by drew mcweeny

    Relax. No one's banning you. As I said, if you feel like you gotta get your insult on, knock yourself out. If you need to be completely joyless and be all "YOU ARE PATTON OSWALT!" then do what you gotta. I'll be over here having fun. <P>And I love how you turn it up by insulting my scripts, just to make sure you can get banned. Trust me... you ain't the first, sweetie, and you won't be the last. Now get back under that bridge and troll... troll... TROLL!

  • March 25, 2007, 2:28 p.m. CST

    great review

    by RedScab

    Dude that was a great review I am laughing my ass off, the bulldozer comment was worth the price of

  • March 25, 2007, 2:35 p.m. CST

    That review mad me laugh until

    by bat fastard

    I spunked napalm on a pool full of kittens who were bare knuckle boxing a bunch of elvis impersonators who were acutually ninjas who could poop c-4 explosives that can be used to blow my ass up. Way to go Neill.

  • March 25, 2007, 2:35 p.m. CST

    I hope the movie(s)...

    by Lucasblows half as entertaining as this review. Can't wait.

  • March 25, 2007, 2:38 p.m. CST

    Even when I know the flavor and rhythm of a Neill

    by CreasyBear

    Cumpston review and its bizarro psychosexual metaphors, the shit never gets old for me. Love it.

  • March 25, 2007, 2:42 p.m. CST

    Tom Bodet

    by MetiphisLabs

    Your tiny world just got stepped on. Ouch.

  • March 25, 2007, 2:46 p.m. CST

    I miss Joe Hallenbeck

    by Turnquest

    The original hardass reviewer. Wherever you are Joe, we miss you !

  • March 25, 2007, 2:54 p.m. CST


    by Cult Exiter

    Neill, how do you feel about being compared/mistaken to/for Patton Oswalt? I guess you don't like it. It's like having a big penis and people pointing their fingers at it yelling: Copycat!

  • March 25, 2007, 2:59 p.m. CST


    by Pound Sand

    Although I think either you're inclined to see this movie, or you're not. Rose McGowan has always been cluster spooge worthy.

  • March 25, 2007, 3:05 p.m. CST

    a review straight from our IDIOCRACY future.

    by indiephantom

    Harry, you're a moron for putting this shit on the sight.

  • March 25, 2007, 3:10 p.m. CST


    by Mr. Nice Gaius

    Apparently, you're a moron for being ignorant of the longstanding AICN staple/phenom that is Neill Cumpston. If you're a veteran of this site, you have no excuse.

  • March 25, 2007, 3:11 p.m. CST

    Wait for it on TV

    by theBigE

    I've got a weak stomach - can't handle the violence - so I'll wait for this on TBS, just like Kill Bill. I'm sure it will be much more enjoyable and my kids will enjoy it. <p> Where's Tom Bodet? Banned again?

  • March 25, 2007, 3:11 p.m. CST


    by Bob of the Shire

    Best review ever. I laughed out loud at least a dozen times.

  • March 25, 2007, 3:12 p.m. CST

    Yes but does it have any feet?

    by Orionsangels

    closeups of womens feet. haha!

  • March 25, 2007, 3:14 p.m. CST

    I was sold long ago...

    by Dr_Zoidberg

    From Dusk Til Dawn is awesome, awesome fun. I love that Tarantino and Rodriguez can just get together and geek out but produce something that is fun for everyone... well, maybe not everyone, but for a LOT of people. Grindhouse looks just, you know, INSANE!!!!!!! These films may be gimmicky and some may say unoriginal, but damn, nobody is making shit like this at present. They are making the films they probably dreamed about making as teenagers, and damn, I admire that. I think Tarantino is getting less and less in favour with the critics but at least he isn't trying to impress them, he just does what he wants. And it usually works, usually.

  • March 25, 2007, 3:17 p.m. CST

    Controlling the Buzz?

    by Messiahcomplexio

    Question for you all. I saw Grindhouse on Thursday in Hollywood. Sent in a review thursday night about midnight, a couple hours after the screening ended. It was not a rave review. I liked Planet Terror a lot ("best thing RR has done thus far) , thought the trailers were great (Best thing in the movie), but thought "Death Proof" was by far Tarantino's worst effort. ("overlong by at least 15 minutes") I was sitting in the first four rows with the invited audience that was not critics and my reaction was clearly with the majority. 3 people in front of me walked out 10 minutes after Tarantino's movie started. Lots of coughing and shifting in chairs. The car chase brought people back a bit but it was a long first hour of that movie. However, I've only seen raves up on this sight so far. I have sent reviews from time to time and noticed a pattern of negative reviews for AICN friendly movies only after raves have already been posted and then the negatives seem to be mixed in with several positives a bit further down the line. On C.J. Hollywood review of Grindhouse (the first I've seen on the site) Harry opens with "I personally expect the reviews to be all over the place on Grindhouse...". Maybe you personally expect that Harry because you've already seen a review that said exactly it, but you chose not to post it. And I wonder why? I wouldn't have even bothered to write this, just figuring my review didn't make the grade (it would be a first, as I've written several reviews under different names and they've always been posted), but its possible. But then I see another unqualified rave and Mori hinting at his rave to come. It just feels like the buzz is being controlled on this sight to protect friends of the site. Wouldn't have anything to do with the AICN sponsored screening of Grindhouse on wednesday, would it? I'm not saying this is absolutely, no doubt the case, so I'm wondering if any others have noticed this. I have frequented the site on a daily bases for about 7 years now so I think I have a pretty good sense of how the site does its business. Whatever the case, Just a heads up folks. The crowd I saw it with was not reacting on the whole like the reviewer above did. Not even close. Control your expectations.

  • March 25, 2007, 3:22 p.m. CST

    Patton Oswalt

    by Squashua

    I was very disappointed with his performance in Reno 911. VERY DISAPPOINTED.

  • March 25, 2007, 3:29 p.m. CST

    Dr Lisa Cuddy

    by Brand Echh

    heh.. heh... HAAHAHAHAHA-BWA-HA-HA-HAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAA HAH HAHA HAH.... ... heh... ovulated... mouth ... heh.... BWA-HAHAHAHAH-HAHAAHA! Seriuosly... the review was great, but that comment was priceless.

  • March 25, 2007, 3:38 p.m. CST


    by BGDAWES

    I think your review was posted. Either that or some other review I read here (posted Friday, I believe) completely agreed with you because that review said Death Proof was "overlong by at least 15 minutes" as well and quoted an audience member shouting, 'cut the scene you pretentious prick' or something along those lines. I do agree with you about the bias this site has 'sometimes' but in AICN's defense they'll slam movies when they are bad, regardless if they have a personal interest in their success (well, except for big Harold; he likes anything that isn't produced by Fox - just kidding big guy!)

  • March 25, 2007, 3:44 p.m. CST

    Stand corrected

    by Messiahcomplexio

    Just checked the page and I can't believe I missed it. Big enough to admit when I'm wrong . And so I am in this case. Sorry to any who were offended.

  • March 25, 2007, 3:48 p.m. CST


    by drew mcweeny

    ... I guess thanks for acknowledging we posted it. First. Before any other reviews. <P>Once again, conspiracy theories are more fun than the idea that people might have different opinions than yours. Even after we post this guy, he yells "PLANT!" <P>Oddly, my Sunday keeps getting less fun. Imagine.

  • March 25, 2007, 3:51 p.m. CST


    by YokoTits

    Cumpston's a dork, even by Harry Knowles standards. The "fireman" part was pretty funny, though, and the "eight mini coopers" bit. Speaking of dorks, why does Drew "You Should Know My Real Name For Some Reason" McWeeny bother heckling the hecklers? Drew, I'm not sure why you feel the need, but if it makes you feel better on this lovely Sunday afternoon, go ahead.

  • March 25, 2007, 3:56 p.m. CST

    Tom, your motels/hotels suck balls.

    by Thorstrongstone

    Oh, and Drew, don't take any guff from these swine.

  • March 25, 2007, 4:03 p.m. CST

    Peter Graves Passes Away

    by Lord Thislewick

    All this fighting and see what could happen tomorrow or the next day!

  • March 25, 2007, 4:06 p.m. CST

    Neil Cumpston is fucking stupid.

    by Traumnovelle

    'It'll explode on your face like a water balloon full of penises and poop and shotgun blowjob poop spooge.' Nah, his humor doesn't work for me at ALL. Also: Death Proof looks cool, Planet Terror looks kinda dumb. I know, I know, thats the point. Whatever. I can't wait to see in the credits that it was 'chopped' by Robert Rodriguez, man, that guy is such a loose cannon! Bluh.

  • March 25, 2007, 4:09 p.m. CST

    Mr. Cumpston, I salute you.

    by Bronx Cheer

    <p>That was one hell of a review. I have one question. When you spooge in your pants, does it make a squishy sound when you get up to leave the theater? </p> <p>Damn, this is one funny review.</p>

  • March 25, 2007, 4:15 p.m. CST


    by Cory849

    stick a fork in him. He's done. I loved his old reviews but the fact is that you can only make so many weird metaphors. He's still on his game but his game is...kinda done. Still, I laughed in a few spots. So not all bad. Just it will never be as funny as the totally out of nowhere "kicks you in the nuts and eats out your girlfriend". Cuz... it was out of nowhere. Now I expect it. :)

  • March 25, 2007, 4:15 p.m. CST

    audioboxer & indiephantom

    by DocPazuzu

    Congratulations. It's been a busy year so far, and I'm afraid we're all out of official AICN "Mark Twain You Fucking Moron!" awards so you'll just have to be content with being "those guys" of this particular TB.

  • March 25, 2007, 4:18 p.m. CST

    Wow, Messiahcomplexio, way to fall on it.

    by Bronx Cheer

    Damn that had to be embarrassing. Even behind a mask of anonymity, I can still see you turning red.

  • March 25, 2007, 5:24 p.m. CST

    C'mon Mori, don't be sad....

    by BGDAWES

    Messiahcomplexio admitted he was wrong at least, we need to mark that up as a win for the talkbacker community! Now lets all clasp hands and sing 'kumbuyah'.

  • March 25, 2007, 5:27 p.m. CST

    With this review Cumpston trascends novelty

    by IndustryKiller!

    Given teh subject matter the review is actually kind of poignant. Ok maybe poignant is a bit strong for anything that uses the word boner so liberally but you know what I mean. I don't think a better review of this movie can or will be written. Given the nature of the film it is spot on perfect. If the marketing guys were smart they would run internet adds with some of Neil's quotes. I dont think I have ever laughed so hard reading anything on AICN. Never have reviewer and film been so evenly matched. THis is one for the AICN record books. Right alongside harry's Blade 2 review, but for a completely different reason.

  • March 25, 2007, 5:33 p.m. CST

    BGDAWES, Messiahcomplexio cries "CONSPIRACY"

    by Bronx Cheer

    before even verifying the facts. I am glad you cleared up the error. He should be forced to wear the ceremonial Ribbons of Shame and commit make-believe seppuku with a plastic spork from KFC.</p> <p>I am also grateful that we didn't have to suffer a "FIRST!!1!" because Messiahcomplexio's review was the first one posted. I think that AICN should set things up to block any post that contains the word "first." Yes, that means any mention of a film with that word in its title would be blocked as well, but at least it would remove that blight from the Talkbacks.</p>

  • March 25, 2007, 5:34 p.m. CST


    by Bronx Cheer

    I don't remember the last time I used the word "boner" in reference to an erection. Of course, I don't remember my last erection either, so perhaps there's a reason for that.

  • March 25, 2007, 5:35 p.m. CST


    by sledgehammer5050

    my favorite part was when he wanted to burn down the theatre to call the firemen, then tell all the firemen about the movie and run from them chasing him with axes. that's comedy right there man!

  • March 25, 2007, 5:37 p.m. CST


    by The Real MiraJeff

    Sorry, but it's true. Planet of Terror? Driver Mike? If I wrote that shit you guys would slaughter me in the talkbacks. There's no "of" in the title and his name is Stuntman Mike. I mean, is there anything in that review that even suggests Cumpston saw the movie? Ejaculating all over Rose McGowan can be done without seeing a frame of Grindhouse. This was a fanboy explosion that doesn't really deserve much weight. I bet this guy thinks 300 should win Best Picture. I could make a lot of nasty jokes in a review too and have you guys laughing on the floor but that wouldn't let you know if the movie's any good or not. Glad Neill liked it as much as I did but easy there, killer. We get it. And there is only one Vern, my friends. Personally I can't wait to hear what Harry thinks of the movie. Cumpston's writing was a giant gimmick. It's a shame you guys fell for it.

  • March 25, 2007, 5:40 p.m. CST

    My favorite bit

    by Bronx Cheer

    <p>"Maybe the government will put some 'don’t be a pussy' drug in the water supply, and everyone will go see this instead of PILLOW FIGHT AND SCENTED CANDLES AND BOREDOM, or whatever Sandra Bullock movie’s coming out, and they’ll make more of these."</p> <p>Pure gold.</p>

  • March 25, 2007, 5:43 p.m. CST


    by drew mcweeny

    ... and I have spoken by e-mail now. Everything's cool. We might even get together and make out reeeeeal hard. <P>Seriously, though, I appreciate him actually looking at what he said and commenting on the mistake. Sometimes that only causes people to dig in their heels deeper, and that just confuses me. <P>Messiahcomplexion's okay in my book. And I did like his review. That's why I ran it.

  • March 25, 2007, 5:45 p.m. CST

    Holy shit, Mirajeff.

    by Bronx Cheer

    One of my favorite bits was the insertion of that rogue "of." Either you just aren't in the mood for The Honorable Mister Cumpston's brand of criticism, or you left home without your funny bone. I think I know better not to trust a Cumpston review. No, you don't trust Neill, you fucking worship him. Now, bow down, or you'll get hit square in the puss by one of his spooge scuds.

  • March 25, 2007, 5:47 p.m. CST

    Damn, Mori, that's hott.

    by Bronx Cheer

    I think I just got a boner imagining you and Messiahcomplexionationator going at it. Oh...nope, that wasn't a boner.

  • March 25, 2007, 5:56 p.m. CST


    by BannedOnTheRun

    Film it and I'll be there.

  • March 25, 2007, 6 p.m. CST

    Cumpston Knows Best

    by Bronx Cheer

    This fall on CBS.

  • March 25, 2007, 6:07 p.m. CST

    source material

    by AllieJamison

    Neill Cumpston should do reviews for films that don't exist on a weekly basis. <br> As a matter of fact I think that GRINDHOUSE is based on such a review.

  • March 25, 2007, 6:12 p.m. CST

    I laughed so hard i nearly choked on my stick of butter

    by fatsackowind


  • March 25, 2007, 6:37 p.m. CST

    Hire That Man!!!!

    by lofe101

    he looks like a dumpster full of drop kicks. great one. this guys gotta have a shit load of good chuck noris jokes.

  • March 25, 2007, 6:37 p.m. CST

    I Liked This Reviewer Better

    by PotSmokinAlien

    when he was called "vern circa 6 or 7 years ago"

  • March 25, 2007, 6:41 p.m. CST

    Here's Mori's problem:

    by chrth

    "I’ve got more reviews I’ll be writing all weekend long, including GRINDHOUSE, so keep checking in."<p> That's what he said last night in the TMNT review. Today a Grindhouse review shows up by the inimitable NC ... and Mori's comments at the top make it sound like he's no longer writing a review. Would I call it proof? Hell no. But answer me this: when was the last time anyone saw the two of them together in public, hmmmmm?<p> In all seriousness, N.C. is the bomb, and I love all his reviews. So keep up the good work Mor-- er, I mean, Mr. Cumpston.<p> End transmission.

  • March 25, 2007, 6:43 p.m. CST

    does Rose

    by George Peppard

    show her cans? What does "almost-nude" mean exactly? Must..know...all other facts...secondary....

  • March 25, 2007, 6:52 p.m. CST

    "I need to go buy three extra PAUSE buttons"

    by chrth

    Why does that line sound familiar to me? Did he use a similar one in his last review?

  • March 25, 2007, 6:58 p.m. CST

    sure, right, except, no, completely wrong

    by dobbsy

    keep peddlin' and you're sure to arrive at the twc bank.

  • March 25, 2007, 7:08 p.m. CST

    I just soiled myself

    by ConeSpinner

    reading that ridiculously fuckin hilarious review. can't wait to see this, by the way

  • March 25, 2007, 7:34 p.m. CST

    I am looking forward to the helicopter

    by where_are_quints_hobbit_set_reports

    Anyone else here see the great Charles Bronson's "Breakout," which has a particularly awesome death-by-helicopter?

  • March 25, 2007, 7:43 p.m. CST

    I though Neil was trying too hard with this one...

    by blackmantis

    He's made me laugh before, but this was overkill.

  • March 25, 2007, 7:46 p.m. CST

    this reviewer is retarded!~

    by jojo-pimp

    enough said. didnt need a review from a ten year old!

  • March 25, 2007, 7:46 p.m. CST

    MiraJeff, you suck

    by where_are_quints_hobbit_set_reports

    I don't know at what level you are or aren't trying to be sarcastic, but none of it mitigates the fact you're an incompetent reviewer and hopeless loser whose opinions on film are quality-wise about on par with most YouTube comments.

  • March 25, 2007, 7:48 p.m. CST

    ugh. That smacked of so much effort.

    by HypeEndsHere

    don't try so hard. you're probably a bright guy, Neil.

  • March 25, 2007, 7:58 p.m. CST


    by Mr. Nice Gaius

    Ha, Ha, Ha! Yet another lamb to the Neill Cumpston slaughter. Welcome to the party, pal!

  • March 25, 2007, 8:12 p.m. CST

    jojo-pimp uses the "r" word

    by Bronx Cheer

    You call someone retarded and then complain he writes like a ten-yr-old? Fucking ten-yr-olds call people retarded. Retarded people can't help they're different. What's your excuse?

  • March 25, 2007, 8:18 p.m. CST

    "an old man giving the finger to a fat kid"

    by Some Dude

    Funniest line I have read all year. I read a lot.

  • March 25, 2007, 8:31 p.m. CST

    Cumpston and Maddox

    by JAGUART

    For Presidents! Anybody have a link to Cumpston's Return Of The King review? That was pretty funny shit too.

  • March 25, 2007, 8:45 p.m. CST

    That reviews was, like, stupid and clever...

    by Vicenzo the same time!!

  • March 25, 2007, 8:51 p.m. CST

    Poop punch

    by shady73

    ....that had to be the funniest line in the review - which was awesome and got me psyched to see this movie!

  • March 25, 2007, 8:52 p.m. CST


    by Mr. Nice Gaius

    And yet ANOTHER "I'm ignorant of Neill Cumpston" lamb to the slaughter!

  • March 25, 2007, 9:01 p.m. CST

    This review needs its own show on Adult Swim

    by kevred

    "Here, let’s get those knives in you". Hilarious stuff. Wouldn't it be great to have whoever wrote this sitting next to Roger Ebert? "We give this movie one thumb and one motorcycle-to-a-taquito-filled-stomach up!"

  • March 25, 2007, 9:32 p.m. CST


    by Shakes

    Yeah, there's been something of a trend of wordy irreverent reviews that try to show a trendy lack of knowledge, all of which feel like Vern imitators.

  • March 25, 2007, 9:59 p.m. CST

    are we having a laugh?

    by Se7enSamurai

    I sure as hell was, nice review Neill

  • March 25, 2007, 10:10 p.m. CST

    Giving it a miss based on that shill/fanboy review

    by Phantom Einstein

    I hate it when somebody tells me I must spooge. Don't tell me what to do.

  • March 25, 2007, 10:19 p.m. CST

    Dumpster Full of Drop Kicks

    by George Newman

    I love when people don't know Neill. His BEST Reviewd though are of MATRIX RELOADED and X2. X2 especially because of how he ruined the ending and EVERYONE Hated his guts. I was glad that I avoided all reviews before I saw the movie.

  • March 25, 2007, 10:21 p.m. CST

    MATRIX Reloaded and X2 are his best reviews.

    by George Newman

    just had to post that again in case the previous subject header didnt get the word out.

  • March 25, 2007, 10:39 p.m. CST

    It's official -

    by Zarles

    audioboxer is THE dumbest person to ever post in a talkback on this site. Think about that! THE DUMBEST PERSON TO EVER POST IN A TALKBACK ON THIS SITE. That's some heavy-ass shit.

  • March 25, 2007, 11:33 p.m. CST

    Mr. Nice and DocPazuzu

    by indiephantom

    Who cares about your inside joke, dude. The review wasn't funny or well-written and those are my simple standards. I'm not going to automatically love something because some ass who's been reading AICN too much says so. Now go get your fucking shinebox!

  • March 25, 2007, 11:33 p.m. CST

    They should only make movies...

    by readingwriter Neill Cumpston can have something to review. I've enjoyed his reviews more than I have any of the movies he's reviewed. He makes my hooded sweatshirt feel like a flaming homo feel like the Guest of Honor in a giant flaming homo convention.

  • March 25, 2007, 11:36 p.m. CST

    Nice delivery, me

    by readingwriter

    Idiot. He makes my hooded sweatshirt feel like the Guest of Honor at a giant flaming homo convention. That's what I get for trying to imitate Neill Cumpston.

  • March 25, 2007, 11:47 p.m. CST

    George W. Bush wishes he was coherent enough...

    by Harry Weinstein say that quote attributed to him.

  • March 25, 2007, 11:48 p.m. CST

    Neil needs to guest on Ebert and Roeper

    by Boondock Devil

    Best. Guest Critic. Ever.

  • March 25, 2007, 11:52 p.m. CST

    Hey indiephantom...

    by Mr. Nice Gaius

    ...the AICN entity known as Neill Cumpston has been around for ages. His reviews are not to be taken seriously. They're a goof. That fact that you don't seem to realize this means that the joke is on you. Dude.

  • March 26, 2007, 12:06 a.m. CST

    I liked Cumpston better when...

    by Mechakong!

    He was called JOE BOB BRIGGS.

  • March 26, 2007, 12:07 a.m. CST

    Oh Neill...*sigh*... why so long between reviews?

    by Stan Arthur

    More, please. Thank you.

  • March 26, 2007, 12:17 a.m. CST

    Yes, there are indeed feet! (And this review blew me!)

    by Zeke25:17

    As I recall, a lovely duo billed only as The Crazy Babysitter Twins are shown lying on a couch playing footsie with each other's tits...which I admit isn't quite as hot as drinking whiskey off Salma Hayek's toes, but still! Also, the hot light-skinned black chick in Death Proof is shown from behind walking barefoot to a couch, so we get a few sole-winks; also very nice. Gimme a shotgun full of footjobs, and I'll even vote Republican again!

  • March 26, 2007, 12:27 a.m. CST

    I really want to see this at a drive-in theater

    by Boondock Devil

    My car is dirty enough and probably has rats running around on the floor. Just like a good ol' grindhouse theater.

  • March 26, 2007, 12:34 a.m. CST

    Your Finest Work, Cumpston!

    by buster00

    I hope they get busy crankin' out more flicks like this...they produce your best. I'm there opening night, whether the girlfriend likes it or not!

  • March 26, 2007, 12:35 a.m. CST


    by moto

    You could take fanboy favorites like Bruce "Hey Sam, can I be in this Spider-Man movie too?" Campbell, Joss Whedon, and... I don't know... Buffy the Vampire Slayer, have them make a shitty movie about snakes on a spaceship called Serenity with kung fu fighting strippers from a Frank Miller graphic novel that turn men into zombies who then realize that the world is a computer program in danger of being destroyed by a program named Tron (All jokes aside, I love Tron) that has an extreme hatred for Tom Cruise, Peter Jackson's King Kong, Bryan Singer's Superman movie, James Cameron's Titanic, Michael Bay, Shia Labeofoefoee-something, George Lucas, and Steven Spielberg post 1982. <p> Good God almighty, if AICN and co. controlled the world it'd win the Oscar for Best Picture. <p> Nothing wrong with liking a movie or being excited about one, but God, you put so much fucking faith in an AICN review. If it's a positive review for a film that you have chosen to hate for whatever reason, "IT'S A FUCKING PLANT!" or "Harry is in bed with the studio... fucking sell out"! But no, if it has a couple of fanboys favorites in the mix, it's a legit, enthusiastic rave review by one of your own. <p> Ah, that felt good. It's nice to get that shit out sometimes. Interested to see Grindhouse nonetheless. I guess I just don't like group ejaculation as much as the next TBer (discluding those above who also thought this "review", much of its response, and the stature it holds on AICN's main page layout was a bit ridiculous).

  • March 26, 2007, 12:46 a.m. CST

    Moto... damn..

    by Boondock Devil

    That was some serious ranting and raving there man. Also the review is just meant to be fun in the same way that Gwar makes for awesome concerts. It's over-the-top hyperboyle that's damn funny to read. I'm thinking a lot of AICN visitors were going to see this movie with a Cumpston review or not. P.S. Dude, that Campbell, Whedon, Buffy movie based of Miller's graphic novel and Tron stuff would be the greatest movie ever. Hopefully Cumpston reviews that one too. ;)

  • March 26, 2007, 12:56 a.m. CST


    by DocPazuzu

    Just stay down, dude. Take the count and go home with honor. It hurts, I know, but it's nothing compared to the pain you'll have to endure if you decide to keep trying to get up.

  • March 26, 2007, 12:59 a.m. CST



    Shove a dick in your throat :)

  • March 26, 2007, 1:06 a.m. CST

    Moto... Buddy...

    by drew mcweeny

    ... look, I like moto. He doesn't always agree with us, and sometimes he's fairly harsh about it, but I can tell that moto loves this industry and takes it seriously. <P>Having said that, sometimes it's nice to just have a little fun. Neill Cumpston is fun. Silly fanboy fun. And when I review the film tonight or tomorrow, I'll approach it as a real film, flaws and all, and my review won't be a rave, but it'll certainly lay out what I liked a lot about it. <P>In the future, I think maybe Neill Cumpston reviews aren't for you, man.

  • March 26, 2007, 1:18 a.m. CST

    Hey... it's all good.

    by moto

    I was having fun just as much as Neill was. Just at your expense;) Who hasn't done that in these TBs? This place would be no fun if we all sucked each other's dicks the whole time.

  • March 26, 2007, 1:32 a.m. CST

    He is right about one thing:

    by Barry Egan

    Stallone does sort of look like Bea Arthur now. It must be all the HGH.

  • March 26, 2007, 1:36 a.m. CST

    Is it true that Neil is actually Dane Cook?

    by Olsen Twins_Fan

    Well that's what I heard.

  • March 26, 2007, 2:12 a.m. CST


    by Mirajeff

    Dear Daddy, who are you? Please enlighten us with your competance. How would you know whether my reviews are the equivalent of YouTube comments? I've never gotten my film criticism from there, but I guess you have and probably still do. Perhaps that explains why you liked Cumpston's review, which read like a hyper-fanboy bragging that he got to see the film early. It was a wank-fest without any substance. It seems like you could show Cumpston a neon sign with tits and he'd eat it up like jello pussy. Please, feel free to use the site's search bar to point out my incompetence. At least you won't find a review that sounds as ridiculous as this one. Except for maybe The Grudge 2, but the punishment fit the crime for that one. And remember, for every 800 Balas and Oldboy Harry helps you out with, I'm giving you gold with barely heard-of movies like Dead Man's Shoes and Farewell Bender. So feel free to give your opinions in the talkbacks, but that is where your opinions will remain, unread by most if not all of anyone who matters. Take it on the chin, Daddy. -Mira

  • March 26, 2007, 2:31 a.m. CST

    Fellas, no one is taking this seriously

    by IndustryKiller!

    So just fuckin sit back and have a coke and a smile. This is silly escapism. The whole Neil Cumpston thing is a put on. It's a silly review for a movie we all already want to see and which looks pretty good to begin with so we take it in stride. I think anyone complaining about how this delegitimises AICN is missing the point. I know I said that this review transcends novelty above, but I was exagerrating for effect. But it is some god damned high end novelty.

  • March 26, 2007, 3:17 a.m. CST

    Not trying to be the non conformist but

    by SithMenace

    this review was stupid. It sounds like he's trying to be hardcore and make his reviews the equivalent of a Tarantino movie, but he just comes off sounding desperate. Tone it down Cumpston, you're trying way too hard.

  • March 26, 2007, 3:26 a.m. CST


    by DocPazuzu

    ...the idiots just keep coming...

  • March 26, 2007, 3:40 a.m. CST

    That review was genuis!

    by Boba Fat

    in fact its probably the only review on this site I've read twice.

  • March 26, 2007, 3:45 a.m. CST

    Hey DocPazuzu

    by SithMenace

    I get the joke, it just isn't funny. If it was actually funny then I would have climbed on the bandwagon like you, but it's just not.<p>Sorry I insulted your internet in-joke, but try not to take my opinion so personally.

  • March 26, 2007, 3:45 a.m. CST

    Genuis is actually one better than Genius

    by Boba Fat

    It's taken from the latin "Junuis" if you were wondering.....oh, all right, I was so excited I spelt it wrong....happy now?

  • March 26, 2007, 3:59 a.m. CST


    by DocPazuzu

    Nice backtracking, only not really.

  • March 26, 2007, 4:16 a.m. CST


    by Mirajeff

    Messi, I never said the review shouldn't exist. But I am VERY surprised it was posted on the left-hand side of the page, space that is normally reserved for Harry, Mori and Quint's reviews. My own reviews don't even go to the left-hand side, but somehow this one did and probably for good reason considering how you and most of your peers are lapping this up. AICN has always prided itself on having a unique point of view, and Cumpston certainly writes in his own, shall we say, voice, but personally, I just didn't find his review brought anything interesting to the table. Everyone is going to have different opinions about Grindhouse, but that doesn't mean every opinion is valid, and while I'm not saying that what Cumpston wrote isn't valid, I am saying that wasn't much of an opinion, it was just a poor attempt at writing a funny review of a fun movie. It seems to have appealed to most of Grindhouse's audience and kudos to Cumpston for writing with such zest, but if I was on the fence about seeing the film, I wouldn't use this review to sway my opinion one way or the other. And Messi, I couldn't have been laid in 1974 cuz I wasn't born for another decade, chief. And I do enjoy things more than a little, in fact I too loved Grindhouse, but at least when I write my review I won't sound like an assclown (hopefully). Grindhouse isn't a cinematic masterpiece, it's an incredibly fun time at the movies, not much more, but certainly nothing less. Stop accusing people of not having a sense of humor just because we didn't enjoy Neill Cumpston's review of Grindhouse. It was juvenile and meaningless, but I guess he was speaking your language because you seem to have heard him loud and clear. Chin for you too, bro.

  • March 26, 2007, 4:18 a.m. CST


    by Mirajeff

    Ever heard of Google? Welcome to the world the rest of us live in.

  • March 26, 2007, 4:25 a.m. CST

    "it's an incredibly fun time at the movies"

    by Boba Fat

    I think that was reflected in the review Mira and as for Cumpston's review being "juvenile and meaningless" can't that same criticisim be leveled at Grindhouse? There's probably about as much depth to the film as there is to the review. They are a perfect and highly entertaining match.

  • March 26, 2007, 4:28 a.m. CST


    by Mirajeff

    I don't mean to offend, man. I've read your reviews before and genuinely liked them. It's just that this one rubbed me the wrong way. It felt like you just wanted to get it out there, like you were lazy and didn't bother to offer any useful critical analysis of the film. I'm not looking for the New Yorker when I click on your reviews, but I just think that if you put as much effort into the review as you did trying to earn cheap laughs, I could've appreciated your opinion more. As it is now, I think it's pretty irrelevant, and I'm not trying to knock you personally, just your approach to reviewing this particular film. Sorry. I look forward to reading your stuff in the future and hopefully it will be a bit more insightful than this one was. It's just that when I get out of the theater, I'm looking to have an engaging conversation with someone. I feel like that's how a review should read. Like you're discussing the movie with your best friend. If we went to the film together and I asked you what you thought and you regurgitated your review, I would make a promise to myself never to waste a ticket on you again. And I'm not a terribly mature person. Just a 23 year-old with a brain.

  • March 26, 2007, 4:31 a.m. CST

    Funny how

    by SithMenace

    I said nothing to insult anyone who thought this was funny, but you jump all over anyone who disagrees with you. Anonymity is great, isn't it fellas? Try not to get so defensive. <p>Meanwhile, I was just going to post my opinion of the review, but since Pazuzu was such a spoiled little girl about it, I wasted more time than I intended to in a Talkback. I'm off to do more constructive things than argue with some dork on the internet. Enjoy wasting your life arguing about things that don't even matter with people you'll never know.

  • March 26, 2007, 4:34 a.m. CST


    by Mirajeff

    Maybe you're right and maybe that's why Neill chose to write it like he did, but if you really think that, then you'd be writing off Grindhouse, because Grindhouse is not meaningless. It doesn't exactly aspire to be Pulp Fiction, but there is plenty of substance, especially in Quentin's segment. Sure it winks at its audience, but I wouldn't call it juvenile. Quentin would slap the hair off your balls if he heard you call it that. Read Creative Screenwriting's interview with QT, he says it's a serious film. That doesn't mean it can't be fun. You can have fun with something while taking it seriously. You think Sacha Baron Cohen didn't take Borat seriously? Fun and serious are not mutually exclusive. And I'm glad you were entertained by the film and Neill's review. I think it's important for a review to entertain its readers. But being entertaining shouldn't overpower the review. It's not my job to be entertaining. That's the job of the movie.

  • March 26, 2007, 4:39 a.m. CST

    If I had any hair on my balls...

    by Boba Fat

    I take your point and I will read the Creative Screenwriting interview. Thanks.

  • March 26, 2007, 5:01 a.m. CST


    by Boondock Devil

    To a point, I can agree with what you're saying. One of the best things about going to a movie is going over said movie with your friends (hopefully at Buffalo Wild Wings, downing blazin' wings with some ice cold beers). But as far as Cumpston goes I find his reviews funny in a way because I see them as a parody of some AICN reviews. Just way WAY over the top describing movies in his own geek-fetish way. I pretty much learned not to take them seriously after the his Matrix Reloaded "review". I think it's possible to enjoy Cumpston's take and also take in your review or Mori's or Harry's and so on. Much respect for what you guys do. Also I really don't want to take one to the chin considering I just groomed my beard earlier tonight.

  • March 26, 2007, 5:17 a.m. CST


    by drew mcweeny

    ... I ran it on the left-hand column because (A) Neill's contributed to this site for a looooooong time and has a genuine fanbase, and (B) I think in this particular case, this sort of enthusiasm and description is the EXACT right match for the material, particularly Robert's film. <P>And I do think it's a valid review. Sure, Neill uses insane language and crazed metaphors, but this is not BABEL or CHILDREN OF MEN. This is GRINDHOUSE. This is a fucking lunatic rollercoaster ride, and I thought Neill gave great voice to his feelings after seeing the film. <P>I'm not sure why you felt the need to attack him so blatantly here, and yes, you seem to be backing off of that a bit, but the point of this site is to offer different perspectives on film. Sometimes that includes yours, and sometimes that includes Neill's. In the future, I hope you don't feel the need to go ballistic on another reviewer over something as fundamental as their style and identity. That rubs me the wrong way, just as you say this review rubbed you wrong.

  • March 26, 2007, 6:03 a.m. CST


    by FatSeagal

    This review is trying way too hard to be funny. A shameful excuse for 'comedy'.

  • March 26, 2007, 6:23 a.m. CST


    by Cedar_Room

    if you're wondering why MiraJeff hated this review so much, it seems quite clear in what he wrote: "his review got posted on the left and i don't even get my reviews posted on the left its just not fair". I think someone's nose has been put out of joint.

  • March 26, 2007, 6:38 a.m. CST

    forget watchmen

    by broadsmile

    it's not "who watches the watchmen" here so much as "who reviews the reviewers"?

  • March 26, 2007, 7:05 a.m. CST

    Neil is a funny guy...

    by just pillow talk

    "He could fuck a bulldozer into eight Mini Coopers."<p>Talk about mass production...<p>I'm sure Grindhouse will be tits to the wall family fun!

  • March 26, 2007, 7:13 a.m. CST

    "It sounds like he's trying to be hardcore...

    by DocPazuzu

    ...and make his reviews the equivalent of a Tarantino movie, but he just comes off sounding desperate." ...... See, SithMenace, it has nothing to do whether you think Cumpy is funny or not. You just. Don't. Get. It. Notwithstanding all your proclamations of the opposite.

  • March 26, 2007, 7:20 a.m. CST


    by DocPazuzu

    Please, stop. Just stop.

  • March 26, 2007, 7:27 a.m. CST


    by just pillow talk

    Finally saw Departed...a pretty fine flick. I thought all the performances were top notch...and my wife even enjoyed it. I still rate this a little below Children of Men, at least after my initial viewing. And Jack wasn't over-the-top, which is a good thing. Oh shit, I knew I should have TIVOed Bring it on all or nothing...

  • March 26, 2007, 7:53 a.m. CST

    Mr. Nice and DocPazuzu #2

    by indiephantom

    Fine then. I missed the joke. I feel it's somewhat justified, though. I mean Harry has written reviews with similarly ridiculous hyperbole. It's pretty tough for me to spot a prank on AICN as I'm only a fairweather poster. I don't typically read who is responsible for writing what.

  • March 26, 2007, 8:05 a.m. CST

    If you don't get Neill Cumpston by now...

    by Nordling

    there's really nothing to say. I'm fairly stunned at some of the posters here, including longtime AICNers, who don't understand. There are some reviews that you take on a word-by-word basis, and then there are Neill's, which are the equivalent of MAD Magazine funneled through a 13-year-old boy who just saw boobies on late night cable for the first time. In short, lighten up.

  • March 26, 2007, 8:34 a.m. CST

    always BSB, always....

    by just pillow talk

    I'll just throw out the tagline "What, I'm thinking of you, not the chicks on TV. Hell no, you baby, you..."

  • March 26, 2007, 8:48 a.m. CST

    I had to put my phone on mute

    by Grammaton Cleric Binks

    Because I'm at work, and laughing so hard there are tears rolling down my cheeks, and taquitos coming out of my nose. Neill Cumpston needs to be a weekly reviewer. That will make this site grow some more asses that he can kick on a regular basis.

  • March 26, 2007, 9:10 a.m. CST

    I'm so glad this movie was made...

    by Childe Roland

    ...if only because it allowed that review to be written.<p>Bra-fucking-vo, Neil!

  • March 26, 2007, 9:32 a.m. CST


    by Mr. Nice Gaius

    Fair enough. Cheers!

  • March 26, 2007, 10:17 a.m. CST

    Neill > Vern - it's true.

    by Doctor_Sin

    I need a taquito buffet now.

  • March 26, 2007, 10:28 a.m. CST


    by PwnedByStallone

    I'm on board wit hthis movie of course but for the love of GOD somebody slap Tarantino in the face and tell him to stop hanging out with this douchebag. I'll be taking a piss during Eli's trailer. Fucking hack.

  • March 26, 2007, 10:45 a.m. CST

    Best... review... ever!

    by Blistered Fingers

    That's all.

  • March 26, 2007, 10:57 a.m. CST

    Is it possible that Mirajeff is Neill Cumpston?

    by Garbageman33

    It seems weird that Mirajeff (an AICN regular) would suddenly get his underwear in a bunch about Neill (another AICN regular). Why now? Well, besides the fact that Uwe Boll might have scrambled his brains a bit. I think he might just be having some fun with the fact that he and Neill are one in the same. Does that make any sense? It's either that or Mirajeff is a humorless douche, which I've long suspected.

  • March 26, 2007, 10:58 a.m. CST

    Good job Neil

    by kilik777

    Lucky bitch. I want to see this so bad.

  • March 26, 2007, 11:07 a.m. CST

    Best. Film. Review. Ever.

    by JurkAlurt

    This review is funnier than the time I heard Steven Seagals pony tail referred to as a "Scorpion Whip".

  • March 26, 2007, 11:19 a.m. CST

    He got an erection. I get it.


    Kidding. Very funny review. Hoe the movie... er... movies... live(s) up to it.

  • March 26, 2007, 11:49 a.m. CST

    I've figured it out!

    by -guyinthebackrow

    MirJeff is Harry is Mori is Quint is Neil, but not Vern, maybe SexyBack. And Jack's father is Jack's father, but also the Austrailian's girl's father. And they're all Cylons. So, it's all explained now.

  • March 26, 2007, 11:58 a.m. CST


    by rdsxfan8

    I know im fairly new to this site, but after reading that review i immediately knew it had to be some kind of inside joke to all the people who have been here since the beginning. I had heard about this sight alot before i actually signed up and got myself a lil TB scrnname to chat it up with you fellas. and from what i had heard it was a legitimate place to go for alot of news on the movies and the happenings in hollywood. So for people to take this review so seriously, well it kinda points a finger at those that do and says "hey , lighten the fuck up people." its a review , its not the be all end all of what this movie is about. Go see the damn thing before you start all this "that reviewer is retarded" shit. i mean seriously stop being keyboard tough guys and just take it for what it is. Its someones opinion of something. last time i checked the constitution gave us the right to free speech , and just because it doesnt match up with your ideas or thoughts doesnt make it any less interesting than what your convoluted thoughts might be. I personally laughed alot reading Neils review. Does that make me a retard as well for finding humor in something that obviously was meant to deliver just that, humor? i would like to think not , but Im prolly gonna be called a retard myself for posting this. But again as a newby here I have to defend myself and let it be known that not all of us newguys are gullible enough to believe that was an actual review of the movie. i mean he couldnt even get the directors, or actors names right. that right there should be like a big fucking red flag, and with all the spooge and boner references, I mean come on. its still the funniest shit i have read in a long time. i wish there was just an archive of Neils reviews so I could go and read the others i hear so much about in this TB.

  • March 26, 2007, 12:01 p.m. CST

    Kurt Plisskin

    by SkiBum

    could fuck a bulldozer into eight mini coopers. I peed in my pants a little when I read that. Most entertaining review ever.

  • March 26, 2007, 12:02 p.m. CST

    My grandfather is taking me back in the replign machine

    by Dorothys Taint Again

    just to see this next week! So psyched. Such a fan!

  • March 26, 2007, 12:16 p.m. CST

    am I the only one that knows

    by monkeybrow

    Patton Oswalt is behind this cumpton alias?

  • March 26, 2007, 12:26 p.m. CST

    Check this out!

    by Quake II

    11 clips and many high res wallpapers from Grindhouse. Looks great!

  • March 26, 2007, 12:28 p.m. CST

    This. Is. Lame.

    by Motoko Kusanagi

    yes it is

  • March 26, 2007, 12:30 p.m. CST

    Check this out Part II

    by Quake II

    When you get to click on video (top of page) and recently added. You'll see the 11 clips. Looks like a blast.

  • March 26, 2007, 12:35 p.m. CST


    by Shabbadoo

    Or Drew or Neill or Patton or whatever you're calling yourself these days; have you played God of War 2 yet?

  • March 26, 2007, 1:07 p.m. CST

    3 paragraphs in...already the best review ever

    by StovetopStuffin'

    I'd watch an entire movie about someone balls learing to make fire with karate! Why wasn't that one of the entries for the contest??

  • March 26, 2007, 1:08 p.m. CST

    This connects, honestly...

    by Brendon

    ...Patton Oswalt is clearly a comedian. So is Ricky Gervais. And he's teaming up with... Harry Knowles? Let's see the announcement here soon...

  • March 26, 2007, 1:18 p.m. CST


    by sevenrivera

    Reading Mirajeff's bitter posts makes my insides sad. Buck up little buddy, you're a 23 year old with a brain. The world is your oyster. Someday you'll get to the left side as well and then everybody that ever picked on you will be sorry. Oh yes, they'll be sorry.

  • March 26, 2007, 1:21 p.m. CST

    Still wondering

    by Lando Griffin

    where Mirajeffs Grudge 2 review went

  • March 26, 2007, 1:32 p.m. CST

    Yes, it's me, defending an apeshot reviewer

    by KCMOSHer

    Considering my long-time MO of bitching about some reviewers on here (Vern) who can't seem to actually discuss the movies (Vern) they're reviewing and instead (Vern) engage in verbal masturbation that serves no purpose other than to make their (Vern) egos enlarge, this may come as a surprise: people need to lay off Cumpston. Mori's 100% correct here, the review fits the material, and unlike that other guy (Vern), the content of the review does address the film. Is it a very weird, bizarre review? Sure, but I like weird and bizarre. It's not bizarre for the sake of being bizarre. He's not reviewing 'The Queen' and spending half the review discussing how much his dick resembles one of the new 99 cent taquitos they sell at QuikTrip. (Not that this happened...but I could certainly see it happening.) So good on you, Neil, good on you, Mori, bad on all the haters.

  • March 26, 2007, 1:32 p.m. CST

    Yes, it's me, defending an apeshit reviewer

    by KCMOSHer

    Considering my long-time MO of bitching about some reviewers on here (Vern) who can't seem to actually discuss the movies (Vern) they're reviewing and instead (Vern) engage in verbal masturbation that serves no purpose other than to make their (Vern) egos enlarge, this may come as a surprise: people need to lay off Cumpston. Mori's 100% correct here, the review fits the material, and unlike that other guy (Vern), the content of the review does address the film. Is it a very weird, bizarre review? Sure, but I like weird and bizarre. It's not bizarre for the sake of being bizarre. He's not reviewing 'The Queen' and spending half the review discussing how much his dick resembles one of the new 99 cent taquitos they sell at QuikTrip. (Not that this happened...but I could certainly see it happening.) So good on you, Neil, good on you, Mori, bad on all the haters.

  • March 26, 2007, 1:33 p.m. CST

    That was supposed to say 'apeshit', dammit

    by KCMOSHer

    Man I hate typos.

  • March 26, 2007, 1:36 p.m. CST

    Neill is Joe Bob Briggs

    by DoogieHowitzer

    Neill is a meth-head 14 year old channeling the spirit of the late, great Joe Bob Briggs - oh, wait - Is Joe Bob Dead? Never see Joe-Bob reviews any more - maybe this is what he does to enjoy his retirement.

  • March 26, 2007, 1:38 p.m. CST

    Mirajeff, you're killing yourself to live

    by where_are_quints_hobbit_set_reports

    Seriously, I really do hate you and your reviews, but your responses here give me nothing to work with. Wow. And I'm of that Usenet generation that loves a flamewar. I guess I'll say I hate you a little less now that you've played yourself so badly on a TB. Pity is coming to the forefront. <P> As for your reviews, dude, AICN has run mine once or twice too, and mine didn't misidentify the movies' directors...I hope you've made peace with your day job. Maybe "Malexandria" over at eclipsemagazine needs a fact check intern?

  • March 26, 2007, 1:41 p.m. CST

    Key difference - Fanbase

    by Lando Griffin

    as in Neil has one and bitter Mirajeff doesn't. Thanks to talkbacker 3rdrate for having the foresight to keep this review alive (from The Host talkback of 10/10/06)</p>MiraJeff is horrified by GRUDGE 2, but not in a good way!!! Greetings AICN, MiraJeff here to look at The Grudge 2 so that you don’t have to. In case your unnecessary shitty sequel alarm didn’t go off at the first mention of this thing, let me tell you, The Grudge 2 is a shitty, unnecessary sequel. I’d tell you about the plot if there was some vague semblance of one, but alas… the problem starts at the top. Sam Raimi, is this what’s passing for horror these days? Why even put your name on this thing, it’s an embarrassment to your legacy. I love those Spiderman movies you make. I’m a big Evil Dead and Darkman fan too, and I thought A Simple Plan was the 2nd best movie of ‘98. So what the fuck, dude? Are you going to sit idly by and allow Ghost House to become a production company on par with After Dark or Platinum Dunes? I mean, what’s the point of having a production company that specializes in genre films, if you’re going to crank out half-assed, lame brained sequels like this one. I know you didn’t visit the set so you probably had no idea how bad this movie was going to turn out, so I can’t really blame you, but why even associate yourself at all with this turd-burglar. Next time just say, I respectfully pass and good luck with your bad idea. Stephen Susco, I sat behind your VIP table at the after-party. You seemed like a cool enough dude. Your career is on the up and up. So what were you thinking? This film is a mess, full of jump scares that DON’T EVER WORK. I mean, you’d have to be blind or retarded or both to not see this shit coming. And how about some resolution, or did Sony tell you to keep the door open for another sequel so they can greenlight it 4 days after this one makes an assload of green when it opens on Friday the 13th. I mean, make a decision Stephen, that’s when screenwriters do. They don’t simply rely on the sound engineer to pump up the volume to get the audience’s blood pumping. Choose one of the three stories in this thing to focus on. Are we following Amber Tamblyn, who plays Sarah Michelle Gellar’s sister? Or is it Arielle Kebbel’s character? Or the family with the little boy who makes horrible decision after horrible decision and doesn’t even have boobs to back it up? Takashi Shimizu, congratulations, you have now made the same movie 5 times in a row. You’re either Michael Bay or Woody Allen, I dunno. Dude, move on, find another story to sink your teeth into. You’re obviously a master of visuals and tension, so why not find a project worthy of your considerable talent. How long can you hold onto The Grudge? Use your eye to make something hard-hitting, like Oldboy. Or go hardcore all-out like Miike. Do a Masters of Horror, or something like Three Extremes, because this Grudge idea is exhausted. And what is the point of casting three hot young actresses and then making them all look like utter shite. Kebbel is a Mandy Moore-lookalike model type and I wouldn’t even talk to the fugly character she plays in this movie. It’s not Monster, and yet she went all Charlize on us, except she forgot the whole acting thing. And Tamblyn, you are a rising star in Hollywood, get those friggin’ teeth capped. You have a nasty snaggletooth and must be the only Hollywood actress I would refuse a hummer from. Guess I won’t have to worry about an offer like that after that sentence. I knew a really hot girl in high school with that problem and we called her The Mangler behind her back. I know a great Beverly Hills dentist if you’re interested. Shimizu, why cast a cool Japanese actor like Edison Chen, who played a young Andy Lau in Infernal Affairs, and then turn him into a watered-down Asian stereotype. Why make the character Asian at all if you’re going to give him nothing to work with. And not that it would’ve helped, but isn’t his reporter character supposed to fall for Tamblyn. I mean, that is what happens in these movies. What’s the matter, the higher-ups wouldn’t allow a little interracial romance to spice things up. And how about a shred of humor, just one joke, that’s all. Even those Ring movies had that creepy kid you could laugh at for acting like he was 60 years old. Meanwhile, Buffy, you had the makings of a decent franchise going, and then opted not to return for the sequel to a movie that opened at $40 million so you could take on “Revolver” which is now something called “The Return?” And then you had to act ugly and crazy and wear bad makeup for five minutes. Done, paycheck please. I mean c’mon, why even agree to the glorified cameo? It’s not like you need the money. Your career is finally on track. I’m geeking my pants to see Southland Tales. So why even bother with The Grudge 2? And Sony, did you even know what you were greenlighting? You just saw some box office figures and said, gee, we need more of that. Do whatever it takes to get it. So basically Susco, Raimi, and 12 other monkeys sat in a room for hours on end and came up with the whole Karen is still alive but now her sister is in trouble? Give me a break. You started out strong with the frying pan scene, although I’m not sure why we revisit it and throw off the chronology of the whole movie, which was another poor editorial decision. Others include the scene with the bitchy blonde girl who pisses herself in the locker room. What is this, Last House on the Left? How horribly out of place and inappropriate for PG-13. If you see a ghost, scream or run or something. Does she really need to piss herself and show it running down her leg like her water broke? And second, Jenna Dewan, you already starred in Tamara this year. Let’s try to limit it to one terrible horror movie a year please. Everyone knows that if you chug milk like that, you’re going to puke. So what’s the point of that scene? The answer is, there was no point to the scene, or for that matter, your character. I mean whose idea was that? Did they think the audience would find it shocking, or completely baffling? And what was the point of that shitty diary with the pages that turn themselves and an eye like some Egyptian hieroglyphic. The Grudge 2 is a like a boil that needs its bubble burst. It’s total garbage, with no semblance of a story. There are no new scares or cool set pieces, we just get the same groaning, croaking voice and lots of black hair and blue hands that come out of nowhere. I hated how characters just disappeared, with no explanation or official police investigations, they just were there one second, gone the next. Give me some death steeped in the real world. This is such an embarrassment, it isn’t even worth a rental. It is without a doubt, absolutely, mind-numbingly horrible. And it’s not like I was expecting that much considering the original Grudge wasn’t very good either, and only served to give Ju-On a bad name. Sony, you’re having a banner year. Even Gridiron Gang was decent. But this is about as acceptable as the Yankees’ playoff exit (haha scumbags). Until you show me something halfway scary or at least watchable, I’m gonna have to hold a Grudge against you, and consider yourself warned, if you fuck up 30 Days of Night, God will smite you. This movie is pathetic and you should be ashamed of yourselves. That’ll do it for me, folks. I hate writing reviews like this, I really do. But I speak the truth and anyone who argues that this movie is worth its budget has shit for brains. I’ll be back soon with reviews of Catch A Fire and The Prestige. Til next time, this is MiraJeff signing off…

  • March 26, 2007, 1:47 p.m. CST


    by Lando Griffin

    You do realize by calling out Vern he is likely to come here to pwn you right? Or is that what you're looking for?

  • March 26, 2007, 1:58 p.m. CST


    by bigkdp1


  • March 26, 2007, 2:26 p.m. CST


    by softiehotpants

    this is hands down the best movie review i have ever read! i haven't laughed that hard in months (and i was hard doing it which was the strange thing! get this guy a job fulltime or his own website please!

  • March 26, 2007, 2:57 p.m. CST


    by Tzaddi

    Is this Neill guy the same one that does the "Ask a Ninja" shorts? I am asking because when I read the review, I keep hearing the ninja's voice in my head.

  • March 26, 2007, 3 p.m. CST

    Damn you Michael Bay

    by Damnyou

    Damn you Michael Bay

  • March 26, 2007, 3:05 p.m. CST

    This review is why geeks annoy me

    by BobParr

    it is like listening to an 11-year-old boy. And there is nothing more annoying than 11-year-old-boys. "THAT KICKS ROYAL MONKEY ASS!!!t THE MOVIE IS LIKE...HOLY FUCK!!!" Thank you for your insight.

  • March 26, 2007, 3:31 p.m. CST

    Let us not forget

    by where_are_quints_hobbit_set_reports

    when Mirajeff called for the DEATH of Brian Depalma, because he didn't like Black Dahlia... or the ROCKY BALBOA review in which Mira claimed Stallone directed the first Rocky film. <p> And then the Uwe Boll debacle... only Mirajeff could make the experience of getting your ass whipped seem so boring. <p> Obviously Mirajeff's dad hold's Harry's mortgage or something, can't imagine why else Mira is on the site at all.

  • March 26, 2007, 3:39 p.m. CST

    Wow, I'm actually feeling bad for Mirajeff

    by Garbageman33

    I haven't seen an ass whiping like this since some scrawny film reviewer got his ass handed to him by an equally incompetent film director. Oh wait. Same guy. Once again, I fear Mirajeff has no idea what he's gotten himself into. I mean, you just don't disparage Neill Cumpston. Not around here.

  • March 26, 2007, 3:51 p.m. CST

    TomBodet wrote something besides his single Dalek joke?

    by SpyGuy

    Five bucks says the little troll goes to the well one more time when DOCTOR WHO returns this Saturday...

  • March 26, 2007, 4:11 p.m. CST

    Neill Cumpston is QT...

    by Vance Castaway

    True Story.

  • March 26, 2007, 4:16 p.m. CST


    by ao33

    You have valid points, and as a serious reviewer I can understand your criticism's of the "work" above. And you mentioned that you could easily write a review and "could make a lot of nasty jokes" that would "have you guys laughing on the floor". But to you Sir, I say nay. You see the world needs variety and side by side, your writings versus his are at WAY opposite ends of the spectrum. You offer informative views on the films you've seen and he offers detailed emotions he experienced, albeit in a hilariously colorful way. The other difference is that when reading you're reviews, i briefly browse through, get the general point and move on... but his I read from start to finish. Because the medium he chooses to express himself keeps me around. You jump up on your high and mighty pedestal in your uber-defensive pose and bash us, the reader ("most of your peers are lapping this up") because your reviews lack the zest needed for a left column display? normally i don't hate but to you I say fuck off. And next time you decide to get all high and mighty, i suggest NOT bashing your readers. One of which you've lost.

  • March 26, 2007, 4:20 p.m. CST

    Grind me, baby

    by Grendy

    Man... the trick with this review; take a big swig of water, wet yer throat, take a deep breath and then just read it out loud, super-fast. Seriously. You'll make yourself crack up. It's the trick to all of Neil's reviews and I do it each time. They don't 'need' to be done this way, but a self-induced giggle is always grand on a monday. And, if possible, read it out loud super-fast to someone else. Makes it even better. As for the postings earlier about how maybe he'd not seen this movie? Whatever. I don't need his review to know I am gladly going to fork over my $$ (not really, I work part-time at an indie theatre, but for arguments' sake I'll pretend I am paying) and have night full of kickassery. If it's anywhere near as awesome and testosterone-enhancing evening as I had when I saw 300 at BNAT, I am all there. Neil...first rate work, as always.

  • March 26, 2007, 4:45 p.m. CST

    call this a movie review?

    by audioboxer

    the whole purpose of a movie review is to summarize a movie, and of course give whatever opinion the reviewer might have of the certain piece. these reviews are usually viewed by people to find out if the movie is going to be enjoyable for them or use the review to decide if they really do want to see a movie. keeping in mind that people might not have any background of the directors or actors. so, why would you make a "joke" and state that this is quentin's first job, just assuming "ohhh everyone knows my cool style of reviewing movies, i'll just make stupid comments and such, and everyone will get it." thats for all you SLUGGERS and DUMBASSES out there.

  • March 26, 2007, 4:59 p.m. CST

    quick question about MiraJeff

    by Gwai L0

    I read somewhere that prior to composing his movie reviews MiraJeff puts on a special GOTTA WRITE LIKE SHIT mask. <p> Now I have all of AICN mirrored on my hard drive but I don't want to read the whole thing, could someone please direct me to the exact article numbers in which this takes place? If it is indeed the case? <p> Thanks in advance.

  • March 26, 2007, 5:06 p.m. CST

    Oh I get it...

    by crackerfarmboy

    He's pretending that he's never heard of this film before. Wow that was so funny...for about a paragraph.

  • March 26, 2007, 5:07 p.m. CST

    Mirajeff: Neill is a part of you

    by fatsackowind

    And this site. He dovetails really well with what you, Harry, and your peers do. When you slam his skill (nutso as it may be) you're attacking yourself. Why is there no team mentality here? You both bring valuable but different skill sets to this site. I commend you both, but I am awed at your all out slam of Neill. He's hilarious, and he picks just the right kinds of films to review.

  • March 26, 2007, 5:09 p.m. CST

    Disagree with you Audiobox

    by sevenrivera

    A good movie review must be informative and entertaining. Informative in that it should let you know if the movie is any good (to help you decide if you want to see it or not and why), but not too informative as to ruin the experience with spoilers. And it should be entertaining in that you should be able to follow the review and it should keep your interest throughout. Using the above criteria, Neil nailed it. He enthusiastically and effectively informed me about the movie using an original and clever voice that entertained me and matched the tone of the material he was reviewing. It is clear that he enjoys the movie and that if I'm interested in that type of material, he thinks I will enjoy it too. Then he also knocked me on my ass with his sense of humor and unique style. I didn't need a scholarly breakdown of the directorial technique or the cinematographical devices at play in act two, I just wanted to know if this pulpy cheesy specific genre movie succeeds in its goal. It sounds to me like it does and so I will go see it. Kudos sir, kudos. Eat-a-bag MiraJeff, you should be taking notes.

  • March 26, 2007, 5:19 p.m. CST


    by jojo-pimp

    your comment made no sense whatsoever. Nice try though! Try again later!

  • March 26, 2007, 5:20 p.m. CST

    Mr Nice Gauis

    by jojo-pimp


  • March 26, 2007, 5:33 p.m. CST

    Hilarious and entertaining review

    by Freakemovie

    To the minority that didn't like/get it...relax.

  • March 26, 2007, 5:53 p.m. CST

    dont wanna speak for vern but

    by PotSmokinAlien

    i dont think he has ever "pwned" anyone in his entire life (consciously)

  • March 26, 2007, 6:02 p.m. CST

    Damnit why do these reviews always have to get politica

    by PurityOfEssence

    Moriarty your blatent politcal bias shines through again! You should have censored this! (Some of you will no what I am speaking about).

  • March 26, 2007, 7 p.m. CST


    by Womb2dooM

    This won't be over quickly. You won't enjoy it. Neiil is not your King.

  • March 26, 2007, 7:29 p.m. CST

    This wasn't a "review" so much as a "reaction"

    by Novaman5000

    Which is fine. It was pretty entertaining if you like this sort of random metaphors and ridiculous sentences thing, which I do on occasion. I honestly can't seem to get it up for this movie, though. It just seems really ridiculous, and I know that "that's the point" and yet I still can't make myself care.

  • March 26, 2007, 7:50 p.m. CST

    I would like a review on this movie because seriously

    by Lovecraftfan

    this wasn't a review. Its funny and I enjoyed reading it but I'm waiting for somebody to actually give a review. You know that involves something than lots of dick jokes or a mantra how there's all this ass kicking going on.

  • March 26, 2007, 7:52 p.m. CST

    Oh whats with the comparision to 300

    by Lovecraftfan

    Because 300 is massively overrated. Yes it's pretty looking but it also has a dreadful screenplay. Geeks are hyping 300 way too much.

  • March 26, 2007, 8:23 p.m. CST


    by drew mcweeny

    ... you giant moron. <P>Why should I censor anyone's political POV? Because they don't agree with you? <P>And once again, you don't know jack shit about my bias or beliefs, because I don't bring them here. I've published articles about the Liberty Film Festival, so does that make me a hardcore conservative? Hmmmmm...

  • March 26, 2007, 8:23 p.m. CST

    OMG I'm Hooked.....

    by TheDonJohnSon

    Having just read Senor Cumpston's review, I needed to sign up and write about how this gentleman needs to write more reviews. If Peter Travers, Ebert & Roeper, Entertainment Weekly (oh yeah and FUCK Mick LaSalle for dismissing the first great film of 2007 Zodiac)anyway, yeah.....If these guys all wrote reviews the way Neil did, people would pay more attention to them and we wouldn't have shit like Ghost Rider and Norbit making 30 and 40 mil opening weekend. Face it those dudes are relics of an old society that needs to step down with their "I'm-so-knowledgable-at-films-listen-to-me-bullshit. This guy is the future of movie critics, best review I've read in a very long time and I havn't even seen the damn thing yet

  • March 26, 2007, 8:33 p.m. CST

    I only just saw 300l last night...

    by Womb2dooM

    ...due to being in Australia, the last stop for film reels (and even I got to see it a week before it officially opens). For once, I think the hype got it right. Loved every frame (both visual and audible content). EVERYTHING about this movie was hyper real and so it was only fitting that the dialogue was hyper real so take from that what you will. I personally found the dialogue to be effecting, often humourous and pretty fucking cool.

  • March 26, 2007, 8:40 p.m. CST

    Oh, and not a 300 comparison...

    by Womb2dooM

    ...more a fitting reference. I'm a genius so that's what I do. I even put a typo in my previous post to lure in the affection of you mortals.

  • March 26, 2007, 9:32 p.m. CST

    The Don Knottslandingstrip

    by Mr. Nice Gaius

    I don't know how, but your screenname made laugh out loud (Reminds of that band, "John Cougar Concentration Camp".)<P>Funny stuff.

  • March 26, 2007, 9:34 p.m. CST

    Apparently, Don's strip has disappeared...

    by Mr. Nice Gaius


  • March 26, 2007, 9:36 p.m. CST

    The dialogue in 300 was awful and the script mediocre

    by Lovecraftfan

    I mean some of those lines were really laugh inducing. Oh by the way for whoever said that its the critics fault for people seeing junk like Norbit thats the stupidest thing Ive ever heard. Its the persons fault for buying tickets to junk like that while ignoring great films like Black Snake Moan and Zodiac.

  • March 26, 2007, 9:50 p.m. CST

    That is one of the greatest reviews ever written.

    by a goonie


  • March 26, 2007, 9:52 p.m. CST

    Why why why why why?

    by Bronx Cheer

    <p>I swear to freakin' god, Neill's review is a litmus test. If you take it seriously and complain that it's not a real review, you probably get pissed off when people call Star Trek fans "trekkies" instead of "trekkers," because the latter is much more serious. You probably also complain about Star Wars not being "real science fiction...hey, it's totally fantasy, man!"</p> <p>If you don't go for the style but appreciate NC's take for what it is, then you are probably a mature responsible individual who may enjoy bathroom humor but never indulges in it.</p> <p>If you think this review is a terrific example of meta-criticism, if you love how it basks in its own surreal and dada imagery, if you read NC's reviews just to see what crazy ass shit the man comes up with next, then you are someone who is probably being monitored by Homeland Security, and you're the kind of person I know I won't have to ignore at my next party.</p> <p>A world without Neill Cumpston is a world I don't want to live in, or even know about. Neill, you are the best thing to happen to movie reviews since...since ever.</p> All you people who don't like his stuff, now you know next time not to read it. That way you'll have more time for skinning puppies and mugging old ladies. Seriously, there's old ladies out there just begging to be robbed.</p> <p><strong>Douchebags.</strong></p>

  • March 26, 2007, 9:53 p.m. CST

    Lovdcraftfan... opinon noted for 300...

    by Womb2dooM

    I thought dialogue and script came under the same heading but, there you are... In regards to success of "bad" films vs "good" films; I think the movies you raise as examples have accurately found their respective audiences. You can't force a movie on an audience (dumb or smart) who doesn't want it. There's unfortunately not a heap of people in the movie going world who want to see a movie about killer who gets away or a nympho chained to a house unless that killer is Jim Carrey with funny teeth and that nympho is Martin Lawerence in drag.

  • March 26, 2007, 10:02 p.m. CST


    by jojo-pimp

    it was humerous, but just not a good review, and almost insulting to movie fans. Why call kurt russel "kurt plisken"?? I think the average reader on this site knows damn well who played Snake. I mean...get a frickin life

  • March 26, 2007, 10:47 p.m. CST

    Neill is starting to rip-off Vern's tone/prose...

    by Bob Cryptonight least with this review.

  • March 26, 2007, 11:13 p.m. CST

    jojo-pimp, would you lighten the fuck up?

    by Bronx Cheer

    Waaaa. Why does he call him Kurt Plissken? Waaaa Waaa. Because it's funny, dumbass. Listen, I get that you don't think he's funny. Hell, I know people that don't like Larry David or Peter Sellers. And I'll defend to the death your right and privilege to dismiss Neill as a bastard and a piece of garbage for defiling the great art form known as the film critique. (And jojo, that was sarcasm!) But for the love of all things sacred, let it go! And to get back to an earlier subject, I found it humorous that you would use the word "retard" to describe someone who you accused of writing like a 10-year-old. Using the word "retard" shows you to be a snot-nosed schoolyard brat. Grown-up people realize that people who are actually mentally retarded cannot help it, and to use the word "retarded" as a slur is very insensitive, and also highly unimaginative. Most of the retarded people I have met have been very lovely and funny people. They would understand why Neill calls him Kurt Plissken. And they would laugh at you. Oh yes they would. I know this one kid who would call you a poophat. When he lowers the "poophat" boom on someone, the effect is withering. So stick your "retard" comments up your shiny little arse, poophat. Try coming up with something new and original. Instead of "retard" you could call someone stupid a "jojo." Hey, that works pretty well, don't you think, jojo?

  • March 26, 2007, 11:16 p.m. CST

    Wow, the kooks are out in force... "PurityofEssence"??

    by where_are_quints_hobbit_set_reports

    Paging General Ripper, Moriarty is attempting to contaminate our precious bodily fluids... <p> And then in the Rambo TB we have "Advance Guard" accusing Mori of suppressing his/her brilliant alternative John Rambo movie title... and now this "hiding the truth about Patton Oswalt" freakout. Damn! <p> I mean, I'm aware that Moriarty's a 33rd degree Mason, and sure, he's in league with Spielberg to cast Shia Lebouf in every film, and it's common knowledge Mori is the one preventing Quint from releasing the results of the Superman contest, and everybody knows that Mori made that "The Ruins" TB disappear, and of course he regularly causes TomBodet to doublepost in the coaxial TBs by messing with his computer, but still, let's cut Moriarty some slack! <p> HOW COME NOBODY RAN MY "CALL OF CTHULHU" MOVIE REVIEW FROM THE ATLANTA FILM FESTIVAL I SENT IN MONTHS AGO!!!! WHY IS AICN SO ANTI-CTHULHU BIASED, I DETECT OUTRIGHT TENTACLISM!!! STOP TRYING TO SUPPRESS THE DEAD YET DREAMING FACTS, MORI!!!

  • March 26, 2007, 11:17 p.m. CST

    Neill vs. Vern

    by Bronx Cheer

    <p>I find Neill to be more of an artiste, the Truman Capote of the two, while Vern summons essence of Norman Mailer. Both talented in their own way, but very different people, very different indeed.</p> <p>So where does that leave Harry and Mori? Well, I think of Harry as the adorable poo-flinging monkey, and Moriarity, well, I think he picked a good name for himself, let's leave it at that.</p>

  • March 26, 2007, 11:19 p.m. CST

    And where does that leave MiraJeff?

    by Bronx Cheer

    He's a jojo.

  • March 27, 2007, 12:05 a.m. CST

    What? Who was listening to the dialogue in 300?

    by Beastmanseventy

    I was watching the oiled up naked men swingin' swords at ninjas. If you were doing anything but watching the naked men, you must be gay.

  • March 27, 2007, 12:20 a.m. CST

    Yeah, I was all up in that latent homosexuality too

    by Bronx Cheer

    Hmmm, mens. I just wanted to grab me a beefy thigh and slap it with my fleshy sword........there, that'll keep you up at night.

  • March 27, 2007, 12:25 a.m. CST

    Talking Points for Pointy Heads

    by ArcadianDS

    Just throw this into the bonfire, please: <p> #1 - I enjoy MiraJeff's reviews. Could he use an extra day before posting now and then? Sure. But his reviews are quality stuff and the site would be lesser without him. Those of you calling for his ouster are clearly so insecure in your own lives, the only cure is to drag someone down - like crabs in a crab pot. If you're gonna get cooked, be danmed if some other crab is gonna climb out. Grab him, and tear off his claws! <p> #2 If this site were a supermarket, Neil Cumpston's reviews are the boxes of Little Debbie cupcakes. They're empty calories and have zero nutritional value, but god dammit those things are good.<p> #3 Moriarty is the Obi Wan of this site, and not the young idiot-savant Obiwan of late, but the wisened, and grandfatherly Obi Wan. Only, Moriarty doesn't return his fan letters unopened. Alec Guiness may be in heaven, but I hope its a quiet isolated part where nobody can bother him. he'd want that, you know. The important thing is - he's dead and we cant bother him anymore with our tedious appreciations and horrifically annoying financial support.<p> #4 I hate Alec Balwdin with a hate that reaches beyond the grave. Feel that, Alec? Thats my hate reaching you from beyond the.. well nevermind where its from you know what I mean.<p> #5 Patton Oswalt is cool not because he's a funny guy or has a funny voice or his face always look like he just ate a lemon - he's cool because he is perfectly happy being funny when nobody knows its him being funny. He's responsible for some of the funniest moments in film of the past decade, and hardly anyone knows it was his 'punch-up.' He may or may not be Neil, but I think he is.<p> #6 I'm Phyllis Diller

  • March 27, 2007, 12:33 a.m. CST


    by DocPazuzu

    "thats for all you SLUGGERS and DUMBASSES out there." ..... No, actually, if you don't get the tongue-in-cheek nature of NC's reviews it means that you are the dumbass. Accept it. Learn to live with it.

  • March 27, 2007, 12:38 a.m. CST

    Sorry, MiraJeff gets it from me for this claptrap...

    by Bronx Cheer

    <p>These are Jeff's words from earlier in the TB:</p> <p>"Sorry, but it's true. Planet of Terror? Driver Mike? If I wrote that shit you guys would slaughter me in the talkbacks. There's no "of" in the title and his name is Stuntman Mike. I mean, is there anything in that review that even suggests Cumpston saw the movie? Ejaculating all over Rose McGowan can be done without seeing a frame of Grindhouse. This was a fanboy explosion that doesn't really deserve much weight. I bet this guy thinks 300 should win Best Picture. I could make a lot of nasty jokes in a review too and have you guys laughing on the floor but that wouldn't let you know if the movie's any good or not. Glad Neill liked it as much as I did but easy there, killer. We get it. And there is only one Vern, my friends. Personally I can't wait to hear what Harry thinks of the movie. Cumpston's writing was a giant gimmick. It's a shame you guys fell for it."</p> <p>That response calls for a lifetime of ridicule. He bitched about the "of" for goodness sake!</p> <p>One of my favorite things about Neill Cumpston is that his first name has two Ls. I mean, who has the genius to make up a name that seems to rhyme with cumstain, then spell Neill with two Ls? The man's a fucking savant. (I'll leave it to Jeffy and jojo to slip in the "idiot" portion. You hear me, boys? I'm waiting for you to slip it in.)

  • March 27, 2007, 12:40 a.m. CST

    And Jeffy, he's not making nasty jokes.

    by Bronx Cheer

    Those lines are pure absurdist poetry, baby. And I bet you that you couldn't make me laugh. (Actually, that's not true, because I still crack up over COSMPIC POWERS.)

  • March 27, 2007, 1:31 a.m. CST

    Because this thread demands it!

    by Orionsangels

    "OMG Mr Woodman. You're gonna die, I swear to Gawd"

  • March 27, 2007, 2:33 a.m. CST

    saw this tonight

    by c-dub

    at the Orpheum downtown LA. This was seriously some of the most fun ive had at a film in a long time. It really kicks ass. Cant wait to see it again.

  • March 27, 2007, 2:51 a.m. CST

    I always figured Neill had 2 Ls

    by where_are_quints_hobbit_set_reports

    BECAUSE IT'S AN ANAGRAM DOYYYYYY <p> ... & I would tell you of what, but then it would only get deleted, same as with my suggestion for a new Rambo title or the actual page number on which the GOTTA TAKE A SHIT MASK appears in the Halloween script. Some things the illuminati are not ready for the world to know!

  • March 27, 2007, 7:32 a.m. CST

    Daddylonghead, I figured it's an anagram,

    by Bronx Cheer

    but I suppose I lack the requisite mental acuity to solve it's riddle. So if you actually know it, then just do this: write a paragraph or a poem, and make the first letter of each successive line the letters of the re-ordered word that Neill Cumpston spells out.</p> <p>It was my hope that I might flush out the solution to this puzzle by bringing up the spelling of his name, but if all I get are braggarts who claim to know what it is but hide their lies behind bogus fears of banning, then I will have gotten nowhere.</p> <p>Perhaps you could write a poem such as this:</p> <p>N is for the names he calls me</p> <p>E is for the evening sun</p> <p>I is for the ill wind blowing</p> <p>L is for the loads and loads of fun</p> <p>L is for the loads of man juice</p> <p>C is for completely wigging out</p> <p>U is for his understanding</p> <p>M is for his many many moods</p> <p>P is for his pulchritudinal prose style</p> <p>S is just because he's super</p> <p>T is for the terrific tales he told us</p> <p>O is because he's the only one</p> <p>N is for the nuances he employs when describing how much he unloads in his pants, or for the number of times he uses the word "boner" in a paragraph, or for the nincompoops who whine that he's not funny and an insult to film goers the world over...</p> <p>Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go for my morning coffee enema.</p>

  • March 27, 2007, 7:46 a.m. CST

    Damn, that is a truly great poem

    by where_are_quints_hobbit_set_reports

    Wow. That easily beats the re-working of "somewhere out there" from American Tail that Gwai Lo did, back on the Halloween theme music TB. And Bronxcheer, you have shamed me: the ugly truth is that I actually have no clue what Neill Cumpston's name anagrams to; only my instincts tell me it's an anagram. Pretending like I knew was just a bluff, because I'm an obnoxious twat who's been in the talkbacks too long & doing speed to meet writing deadlines. <p> I hope your coffee enema is like, whoosh!

  • March 27, 2007, 8:30 a.m. CST

    Yeah, it was funny

    by Franklin T Marmoset

    Funny like a woman with twelve arms jacking twelve angry boners and they all come at once and liquid boobs squirt out into clouds that kick the poo out of your cunt.<p>Then they turn into something, I suppose. Oh, let's say zombies.

  • March 27, 2007, 10:15 a.m. CST

    messi- 300 dialogue Badass LOL!!!!

    by Lovecraftfan

    Yes "EAT HEARTY!" is so badass. If you mean by badass inspired gales of laughter then ya 300s script was so badass. I don't need Mamet I just need something thats not idiotic dialogue.

  • March 27, 2007, 10:56 a.m. CST

    The real question is...jugs?

    by Brody77

    Does Rose get them out?

  • March 27, 2007, 11:25 a.m. CST

    What drug is Cumpston ON!

    by Kid Z

    ... they should add it to the water supply of all major cities. I'm gonna be giggling like a Catholic schoolgirl on E's for the rest of the day!

  • March 27, 2007, 1:47 p.m. CST

    I'm sitting in class...

    by pm richets

    and I just groaned from the nut evacuating pleasure I took in reading this review.

  • March 27, 2007, 3:09 p.m. CST

    let me try and get this all str8

    by rdsxfan8

    ok heres what I got so far. Im a retard if i found this funny, than Im an UPTIGHT reatrd if i didnt, but by using the word retard Im a 11 yr old schoolboy..... me so confused. and since when is it stupid to have your own ideas about whats funny and whats not? I personally found this "review" funny. let the public floggings by a bunch of keyboard tough guys begin!!!!!

  • March 27, 2007, 4:44 p.m. CST

    anagrammatically speaking..

    by ArcadianDS


  • March 27, 2007, 5 p.m. CST

    best review ever

    by Bruno Diaz

    awesome. check out how arrogant/jealous this woman is at rottentomatoes:

  • March 27, 2007, 7:08 p.m. CST

    Get off your high horse!

    by Orionsangels

    "I mean some of those lines were really laugh inducing" Why Lovecraft? Because your cynical mind is hardwired that way. Watched too much MST2K? The ego on some of you. I swear! You're all so above these movies? Ooooh look at me! I see through the silliness of this movie. Get your ass out of your high standard muthafucking way of thinking and realize that the dialogue was as good as it could be for this movie. I mean what more do you want? Fuck, If you're so good at spotting bad scripts. Then go ahead and write a better 300 script. Just a small draft and post it here and pwn me bitch! I dare you! Let us all have a big laugh!

  • March 27, 2007, 10:35 p.m. CST

    CLUMP INSOLENT! That's it!

    by Bronx Cheer

    I knew someone would figure it out. And the coffee enema was like whoosh! Tomorrow, yogurt enema and a toasted bagel!

  • March 28, 2007, 3:12 a.m. CST

    Oh my weeping, creeping Jesus...

    by HaystackCaldoon

    This review popped out my left eyeball and skullhumped my brain into a joyful mush until the whole mess poured out my ear. That wasn't enough, so it tossed that mess into a blender, added Joe Cartoon's frog AND his freakin' gerbil, and set the damned thing to "Atomize". And then it kindly poured the resulting bucket of mush back into my skull, popped my eye back in, and sent me on my merry way. I'm a better man for it. Even if I DO have to wear earplugs for the rest of my life. If the movie's HALF as good as the experience of reading through this review, I'll be even happier. Fuckin' A. Wanna know what the "A" is for? Awesome! (And do I care whether it's a "real" review? Why, no. No, I don't. I had too much FUN reading it to care!)

  • March 28, 2007, 7:24 a.m. CST

    I pilfer lines from every Cumpston review for personal

    by DirkD13"

    use. That review started out quite bad, then just got funnier and funnier. I was having a really shitty, hot, busy day untill I sat for five and read that review. I'm now going to go out with a huge smile and a half-boner. For that alone, may AICN keep printing Neil's reviews for ever.

  • March 28, 2007, 1:56 p.m. CST

    As always, this is classic, exciting form of expression

    by D.A.C. Defenders of Action Cinema

    We need this in the over academic I'm-smarter-than-you-because-I-like-Bergman's-Wild Strawberries world of film reviewing. This type of expression is balance. And it's beautiful. I think the reason why Cumpston doesn't review flicks that often is because there are not that many hardcore movies that come out. Sure there are some lil psuedo action flix that drop. But nothing worthy of promoting this type of excitment. I love these reviews. And I can't ask to keep them coming. I can only ask that more product is turned out that would warrant such excitment. Mori, Can we get a Neil's greatest hits? I think it's his Matrix Reloaded review (put him on the map? that's the one that Howard Stern read on the air the morning that the sequel dropped right?) then the Blade 2 review. And probably this one. Am I missing anything? Tron-1

  • March 28, 2007, 5:12 p.m. CST

    sign of the impending apocalypse?

    by waggy

    neil cumpston has a quote on rotten tomatoes. my entire day was just made when i saw a little red tomato next to the caption: "a taquito buffet" -Neil Cumpston, Ain't It Cool News.

  • March 28, 2007, 6:12 p.m. CST

    I'll have whatever he's having

    by MarkM

    If there was an academy award for best review - this should win.

  • March 28, 2007, 10:58 p.m. CST

    I don't know whether to smile or sigh...

    by meiray

    ...knowing this is one of the reviews Rotten Tomatoes counts as professional and legitimate. I'll smile today, I guess...

  • March 29, 2007, 1:21 p.m. CST

    Bush and tarantino- say no more

    by watashiwadare

    all we need to know! the fanboy love association.

  • March 30, 2007, 2:10 p.m. CST


    by I Cant Believe I Actually Registered

    so i have been excited for grindhouse for a while but that review is making me less excited. and yeah i get it. its just not funny.

  • March 30, 2007, 3:37 p.m. CST


    by snubber

    Neill Cumpston sounds a lot like Erik Blevins aka Patton Oswalt. Patton, is this you? This is awesome...awesomer than anything.

  • April 11, 2007, 12:39 a.m. CST

    Neill Cumpston needs to fact-check

    by triem23

    Tarantino's directorial debut? OK, boys and girls, chant it with me: "My Best Friend's Birthday (1987), Reservoir Dogs (1991), Pulp Fiction (1994), ER (1995) (1 episode), Four Rooms (1995) (Man who came to Hollywood segment), Jackie Brown (1997), Kill Bill, Vol: 1 and 2 (2003, 2004), Sin City (2005) (The Big Fat Kill Segment), C.S.I. (2005) (2 episodes)... This is all verifiable from will take you about 15 seconds. There's no problem writing an informal review--if the phrase "taquito buffet" gets you your $0.50 a word, then great, but a reviewer is still a journalist, and still needs to do things like checking facts. Calling this Tarantino's first directorial project isn't a minor slip--this is cheating the man out of a 20 year carreer. Now, if Neill Cumpston is a 15 year old boy who just got too see his first R-rated film without mommy and daddy, then I suppose this could be excusable, but, failing that his fucking EDITOR should have caught it. Oh, I'm a former reviewer for O.C. Weekly, for what that's worth, (the O.C. Weekly would let me say "fucking," as well.) but hey, I've been paid for the same job, did my journalism schooling, and feel my critique of this critic is valid.

  • Jan. 18, 2008, 10:32 a.m. CST

    triem23's bullshit comment

    by recipeforhaight

    Obviously Neill Cumpston was joking when he said this is Tarantino's directorial debut. Do you really think this dude doesn't realize that Kurt Russell isn't really (Snake) Plissken or that Bush didn't really say in 2008 that “movies that would explode in our balls like a shotgun filled with handjobs”? This review is funny and brilliant. Factual critique of this satirical review is irrelevant. Just enjoy it for what it is man!

  • April 30, 2009, 12:47 p.m. CST


    by chetedawg

  • April 30, 2009, 12:48 p.m. CST


    by chetedawg

  • April 30, 2009, 12:48 p.m. CST


    by chetedawg

  • May 1, 2009, 9:53 p.m. CST

    Can't figure out how to post?

    by orcus