I am – Hercules!!
HBO slaps together an improbable number of great hours, but I rank “Rome” ahead of “The Sopranos,” “Oz,” “Deadwood,” “Carnivale,” “Band of Brothers” and “Six Feet Under.” Mark Antony lies, steals, philanders, urinates on the houseplants, smears on mascara and fires deadly arrows into his innocent slaves for sport, yet one has to adore the way he balances his core recklessness with that canny knack for survival. Certainly the role will do wonders for the career of James Purefoy, who proves far too talented to be relegated to the ghetto of British television. All of my favorite “Rome” characters are possessed of horrifying attributes. The start of this season saw Lucius Vorenus abandon his helpless young offspring to slavery, sodomy, rape and who knows what else. Good-natured Titus Pullo demonstrates a useful faculty for violence, but his temper too often precipitates tragic outcomes in his personal life. Super-brainiac Octavian bones up when he slaps around his sexual conquests, but you can’t help but love him explaining to his fiancée that she mustn’t take it personally. HBO says:

Series finale. In the aftermath of the battle of Actium, Mark Antony returns to Alexandria, settling into a world of numbing debauchery with Cleopatra. Meanwhile, Octavian turns to Pullo to try to convince Vorenus to give up Cleopatra's palace in lieu of a fiery siege. Predictably, Vorenus refuses, but Cleopatra seems all too willing to dupe Mark Antony in order to save her life, if not her honor. With Octavian's army at the palace steps, Vorenus flees with Caesarion, Cleopatra's imperious son and Caesar's supposed heir, whom Octavian wants dead. As Vorenus exits the city with the boy, Pullo is ordered by Octavian to track them down. Their journeys lead Vorenus and Pullo back to Rome for an emotional reunion at the Collegium--just as Octavian's triumph is being held amidst bittersweet pomp and circumstance.

SPOILER!! Here’s what history tells us. Antony declaring Caesarion (actually son of Titus Pullo, if we’re to believe the TV show) the legitimate heir to Caesar is apparently what swang Rome to support Octavian over Antony.

Antony divorced Octavia. Dispatched by Octavian, Marcus Agrippa invaded Egpyt and things went downhill from there for Antony, Cleopatra and Caesarion. For the city, Octavian ushered in an era of peace and prosperity that would endure more than two centuries. Agrippa married Octavian’s daughter, fathered five children by her, and died.

Tiberius, Octavian’s stepson, married Octavian’s daughter (Agrippa’s widow) and succeeded Octavian as emperor in 14 A.D., about the time Jesus was getting his pubes.

Tiberius’ successor was Gaius Julius Caesar Augustus Germanicus a.k.a. Caligula. Malcolm McDowell played him in a dirty 1979 movie written by Gore Vidal and co-financed by Penthouse.

Caligula’s successor was Tiberius Claudius Caesar Augustus Germanicus, subject of the 1934 novel and 1976 miniseries “I, Claudius.” Claudius was succeeded by Nero Claudius Caesar Augustus Germanicus, the guy who supposedly “fiddled while Rome burned.”

Nero committed suicide in 68 A.D. Then you have to skip over a dozen or so more emperors before you hit Marcus Aurelius (121-180) and Commodus (161-192), who were major players in both 1964’s “The Fall of the Roman Empire” and 2000’s “Gladiator.” Alec Guinness and Richard Harris played Aurelius, Christopher Plummer and Joaquin Phoenix played Commodus.

Of course the coolest thing is the Romans believed in hundreds of wacky deities – with names like Carmenta, Pluto, Pomona, and Vagitanus - and believed Timon and the other Jews’ single God to be a silly myth. Of course the exact opposite turned out to be true! Stupid ancient Romans! 9 p.m. Sunday. HBO.

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