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You’ve Seen The Filthy Billboards, And Now We’ve Got A CAPTIVITY Review!
SPOILER ALERT !!
Hey, everyone. ”Moriarty” here.
I hate those fucking billboards.
Look, I’m all about the shock effect. I’m not a particularly subtle man, and I can appreciate a good wallow in exploitation fare. But what I think is underhanded and offensive is using unapproved billboard art in places where kids can see it, simply to generate buzz for a ripoff quickie horror film, with no regard to the way that imagery might affect people seeing it. It’s one thing if someone wants to buy a ticket to a film called CAPTIVITY. It’s another if I have to explain to a child why the dead lady got the thing stuck up her nose and why her boobies are showing. I’m not the biggest fan of the MPAA, but stupid moves like the “accidental printing mistake” that caused After Dark Films to put up an entire ad campaign they presumably didn’t notice was the wrong one are exactly why the MPAA is a necessary evil. Thanks for completely abusing the system as a stunt, Courteney Solomon. You’ve just made it harder for a filmmaker who is genuinely trying to push some artistic agenda to accomplish their goals because you had to play Douchebag William Castle For A Day. Nice.
For your troubles, you jogged someone’s memory who saw this thing a year ago. And now they’re here to share with everyone. Are you sure that’s what you really want them to do? Because I don’t think they liked it, and it takes a lot to piss off “The Helper Monkey”:
I send this out more as a warning than a review. I suspect very soon you, my fellow movie geeks, will be inundated with ads touting Elisha Cuthbert's new film, Captivity, as the next SAW or SE7EN or The Cell.
DO NOT BELIEVE THEM!!!
For those of you intrigued by the idea of a hot young girl being held captive let me save you Ten bucks. Pruitt Taylor Vince and the pretty boy in the cell are the kidnappers. She kills them both and escapes.
But if your a glutton for punishment, by all means, keep reading.
Elisha Cuthbert is a vapid model who gets kidnapped by a faceless psycho who hides his identity by wearing a dark hoodie pulled down low. Ooooo SCARY!
She wakes up in a cell with four lockers conveniently numbered 1-4. Each locker contains a more terrifying set of clothes then the last. (Please don't make me wear the sluty leather mini-skirt. Not Michael Jackson's Royal Navy uniform. Anything but the little black dress with pumps!)
She tries to escape but can't, and soon realizes someone else is being held captive in a cell next to hers. It's a hunky boy! They scratch messages to one another on a painted window in what might be the only remotely cool visual in the entire film. They spend the next 40 minutes escaping one ridiculous trap after another and in the process they fall in love. Even though Cuthbert says over and over and over and over and over that she's never been in love, doesn't believe in love, and will never fall in love. Then, even though they know the kidnapper is taping everything they do and say, in true Paris Hilton fashion they do it. Because they're in love. The kidnapper even comes into the cell while they're fucking and they still don't stop. They can't. Because they're in love.
Meanwhile two retarded cops and an overacting psychologist spout cliched dialogue about serial killers that I'm pretty sure the writer cut and paste from any of a dozen other serial killer movies or TV shows at random along with clues that are probably supposed to be spooky and topical. Weird poetry on tarot cards, why that's just like the Beltway Sniper. Fantastic!
Anywho after the sex Elisha goes to sleep and, in a twist so shocking my helper monkey called it during the opening credits, the hunky prisoner unlocks his cell and goes upstairs to chat with the kidnapper. The movie pretty much spirals out of control from this point on as the hunky prisoner turns on his partner (Pruitt Taylor Vince) and stabs him with some kind of paring knife in the gut, killing him instantly. Now PTV is not a tiny guy. Probably runs 285, maybe 300. There is no way a knife to the midsection is gonna do anything but piss him off. But he drops dead... or does he?
On a side note, PTV seriously man fire your agent. You are better then this. Remember Heavy, Nobody's Fool, Constantine, even Touching Evil. Christ man pull your self together.
So the cops show up just in time for Hunky to shoot them, then he chases Elisha around the house for about 8 minutes so she can kill PTV again before she finally blasts hunky with a shotgun.
And scene.
This movie is 9 kinds of shity. But then again what do expect from the director of Super Mario Bros.
To be fair Roland Joffe has directed some notable films like The Killing Fields and The Mission. Since then, I can only assume he's suffered some sort of head trauma that left him incapable of originality or taste or vision. And by vision I actually mean eye-sight. Because if he had the ability to see, he would have taken his name off this fiasco.
90 minutes of test pattern complete with annoying tone would have been more compelling.
But hey that's just my opinion, maybe America will embrace this level of mediocrity like they have CRASH and Captivity will get nominated for 6 Oscars.
Call me The Helper Monkey
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oh yes
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shit shit shit shit shit
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Mori your right on: Imagine, when you were a kid, the kinds of things that spooked you were teevee clowns, or haunted houses. Nowadays, you can be strolling down the street and there's a huge billboard of a bound and gagged woman, or myriad other torture pwn imagery ready to insert itself into your brain forever. Oh well, at least nobody's taking their young nephew to movies like this...
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Does that mean it's grainy, out of focus, poorly acted and boring? Or does it mean that Captivity is THIS YEAR'S LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE?
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i guess having a kid really does change you, huh Mori? because i thought those billboards were no worse that most other horror posters these days. if the kids can deal with seeing severed fingers on the 'Saw' posters, or the generic looks of terror you get in crap like 'The Silent Hills Have Eyes Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning', then they'll be able to cope with foxy Elisha Cuthbert looking trapped and scared. Whoever marketed this flick has got to be laughing themselves to the bank: with one fell swoop, they've managed to drum up enough synthetic outrage so that *everyone* has now seen those posters.
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Otherwise why would anyone be remotely interested in this film.
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posting some actual cool news like the name says on this site. i'm bored, son
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Like the man says, if she doesn't show 'em, nobody's gonna be watching!
Hope she's waxed her 'tache as well!
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You bayniacs! You blew it up! Damn you all to hell!
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I mean, I know you called this a warning, but you really shouldn't be doing that. Not that I would ever see a movie like this. But is it me, or is this complete recitation of movie plots on sites like this one getting out of control. It's amazing how quickly the critic's "honor system" with movie reviews has gone away. Newspaper and TV critics wouldn't release early reviews, and wouldn't consider revealing the plot. Even with spoiler warnings, it seems weird that the movie plots are all easily found out long in advance.
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Even if I wasn't going to run and see this, I don't want to know major plot points without a spoiler warning, though the f*ing studios give as much away in their preview trailers these days.
Even the worst movies that we know before hand how bad they are, we want to be surprised.
It isn't right to punish the filmmaker because you don't like the film or because you want to get the company back for their publicity stunt (especially in the first paragraph of the review and so abruptly.)
It makes me mad when people attack Moriarty on this site or when they diss the site in general because many of us have been here for years but the negativity should never come from the site itself or be condoned.
I would have seen this crap on DVD for the fun of it (and I would have figured out the plot twists on my own in 2 seconds) but I want to be the one that does it not some internet site playing movie god!
That said, I would have paid a hundred bucks to see this if Cuthbert had been naked but now I never will. -
Cheers to the garbage.
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the guy's been twice nominated for an oscar (killing fields, the mission). what the fuck happened to him? he must have fallen off the wagon in a really big way.
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Oh wait...a bad review on AICN? Doth mine eyes deceive me?
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. . . but when the hell did my hooded sweatshirt become a "hoodie?" Hearing them called that grates on my nerves. It sounds so snotty and seems like everybody calls them that now.
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"crash deserved to beat out the queers" ... amazing. You did get the surface level message of CRASH right? Sigh, never mind.
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As soon as we're married (or dating) I'll convince her to take on some better roles.
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Um...no.
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No one has time to say complete phrases or even multisyllabic words anymore. We are all too busy! Enjoy calling it a hoodie while you can, because soon the kids will be talking about their hoos, and you won't know what the hell they're on about.Anyway, nice talking to you, NiMar. L8r! Yr pal, FTM.
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...How I perk up when I hear that name. I can't tell you how much joy this man has brought to my life ever since I discovered his work.
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So, you didn't notice the big red box around the link with "Spolier" down the side?
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Brody and skycrapper, if Elisha shows some boobs and more I am there too. But I think I will wait for DVD. Looks like a cut and paste now-a-days "horror" flick.
BTW Harry NICE Blades of Glory toon. -
I sure didn't notice the spoiler box until you pointed it out, as it is pretty tiny but I stand corrected.
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or the prequel, whichever comes first.
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Because that's where this movie belongs.
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I have no idea if I was going to see this or not, but PUT A FUCKIING SPOILER WARNING!!! He gives away the end of the movie in the first sentence. You may not like the movie, but THAT'S NO REASON TO RUIN IT FOR THE PEOPLE WHO DO PLAN TO SEE IT!!!
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...I'm sick of THE MAN telling me what to think and say! Damn Christian conservatives stickin' their noses in everyone's business! They took down the billboards. That's censorship! I'll show them. I'm going to see this movie twice. No one tells me what to see and not see. I'm my own man. I'm sick of my parents. FIGHT THE POWER!
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For those of you who haven't noticed, AICN has started to put their spoiler warnings on their links. Anything that is considered spoilery is given a red outline box with the word "SPOILER" down the side, and the link is highlighted in dark red when you hover your mouse over it. So, they are letting you know before you ever get to the page if there will be spoilers.
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come in? I feel properly enticed by the lure of hook-through-nose. It dominates approximately one fourth of the marketing campaign. I read nothing in this explaining the no doubt tantalizing set-up of a hook through the nose.
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The only things I have seen in terms of promotional stuff for this are the big bus stop posters and they just show a close-up of a woman's face through chain link.
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Usually AICN puts either a countdown or Moriarty/Harry/etc. lets you know with the phrase "Major spoilers" before the artical. I was expecting to find out what the guy liked and disliked with a warning before he got to the spoilers, but No. He started the review with the end of the movie. Granted I'm sick of this kind of movie and probably won't see it, but there's always a chance.
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From The Hollywood Reporter: Joel Surnow, creator of TV's "24", is currently planning a reality TV show in which lucky Arab-American contestants are captured, imprisoned, and auctioned off to the highest bidder to be tortored mercilessly by ex-con military contractors. The show will be filmed on a faithful soundstage recreation (down to the blood and urine smears on the floor) of Abu Ghraib prison, and will be hosted by horror filmmaker Eli Roth. Roth is the "director" of the successful Hostel series of motion pictures, and is considered by many to be the figurehead of the modern "torture porn" filmmaking movement. Backed by a joint venture between FOX news and the U.S. Department of Defense, one of the show's many goals is to further inure the mindless and shallow U.S. citizenry to visions of agony and suffering, therefore paving the way toward less "blowback" as various factions of the United States' military continue to use the not-so-effective practice of torture to extract information from illegally-detained "enemy combatants". No stranger to controversy, Surnow remarked: "All these towelheads are terrorists anyway, so it's just some harmless fun".
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uncredited directing duties, to be precise. that film had no less than 4 directors working on it.
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Wow.
An appropriately retarded review of a retarded movie. -
I didn't get the memo.
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I think the spoiler box was put on after I clicked it because the article was lower on the page, other articles had been posted above it and now it is on the top of the page.
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in an average week, half the stories will have a spoiler box, which may mean anything from fairly trivial details (e.g. actor x only appears in a couple of scenes)to major plot points (e.g. vader is luke's dad). on this review, the movie's big twist is pretty much the first thing you read. as the review notes later on, the twist is apparently fairly obvious. nonetheless, for that kind of thing, you at least expect an additional warning in the intro of the piece.
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We got naked billboards all over the place in the netherlands. The boobs on the billboard wasn't even uncovered. It was absolutely not offensive or something. Kids won't even get the shock value.
Here is the poster
http://www.adrants.com/images/captivity-cu.jpg
It's nothing special. We had the Ken Park pussy licking one sheet all over the city a few years ago, not a word of complaints. Netherlands is such a layed back country when it comes to these things. Thank god.
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I wasn't really sure about Mori's statement that said something about these billboards and the 'printing mix up' thing being hard because it makes it harder for people who are really trying hard to push boundaries etc. Does this mean that disturbing posters for shitty generic studio movies are bad but disturbing posters / billboards for 'cutting edge cool films' are okay? See, I just reckon that if a kid is going to be freaked out by a poster / billboard then they won't really give a flying fuck who directed the film it advertises! And I agree these billboards weren't too bad!
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Yeah, looked like the whole Captivity advertising campaign is nothing more than bait and switch. Doesn't look anything lurid like Hostel, where it really was disgusting. Looks to me, like an afternoon special prepped for quick grab the money and run theatre run before the word gets out. Well, done, marketing drones.
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Will someone please think about the children!!!
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Moriarty would have had a brain hemorrhage right there on the street...
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shit on your brain cells.
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Okay, I don't understand Mori's statement about "boobies" in the billboard. She was fully clothed.
And yes, I think the subject matter is disturbing (leading to the termination is unsettling). But honestly, I don't think the billboard is any more graphic than the video boxes I used to see at the video store all the time...or what about, as someone posted, the Saw posters? This is just a lame publicity stunt to get a big opening weekend for a likely craptastic movie. -
Why not?
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is retarded!
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What is it about Crash that makes people think it's a good film?
Is it the trite over-generalization of race issues?
Is it the fact that Sandra Bullock falls on her ass and is magically cured her of racism. Who knew it was so easy?
Is it the fact that LA is portrayed as an overtly racist and bigotted city? Despite the fact that LA is also the most cosmopolitan and accepting city in the United States. If La is this racist what happens in the rest of America on a daily basis?
I mean who gets into an accident and gets out of their car to scream racial slurs? What 1% of the populiation of LA would ever do that? -
Mar 22, 2007 1:07:08 PM CDT
These are nothing compared to the SAW posters so
by judge dredds dirty undies
why are people fucking whining. The only difference between this marketing campaign and the one for saw and a raft of other movies is that this film is likely trash and will flop. Still, I thought SAW was trash as well so what do I know...
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You convinced me. Well put.
Let me clarify one thing. I don't think Crash is a terrible film. I enjoyed the performances by a lot of the characters and portions of the story. I just don't think that it's a Best Picture or even close. It takes broad generalizations about people (apparently in the real world) and just runs with it. Some of the reactions are so ridiculous I don't see how anyone can buy into it. But your argument was much better. And you just changed my whole perspective. -
But, I don't think that little spoiler tag cuts it when the following article reveals most of the plot, including what are supposed to be the big surprises of the movie. And to be honest, I was also arguing that these detailed plot summary spoilers shouldn't even be put out on the internet at all. It just dilutes everything. It's especially bad when they've obviously been posted to sabotage the movie because the critic hates it.
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How's the logic go? If you don't like your toddlers exposed to giant images of women being tortured and killed, DON'T TAKE THEM OUT OF THE HOUSE. It's your own damn fault, see?
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it says it's porn
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Gee thanks asshole for deciding that the film isn't worth my time by ruining it for me. Fuck you.
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And joffe just did some re-shoots.
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and it was a lot better than it deserved to be. Some plumbers fight mushrooms and have to beat a lizard guy to save the princess...
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Titties never hurt nobody.
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Damn you Michael Bay
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does Elisha show her boobs or what?
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Pay attention you idiots.
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It wasn't this morning UN when this article was 1st posted and it is very small but the thing that is annoying is that the biggest spoiler is in the first paragraph and meant to obviously spoil the film in a very direct and mean-spirited way and it is an out of line practice by anyone, never mind someone involved in the movie making process.
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Not only does Elisha Cuthbert not show the goodies but there was no nudity whatsoever. No boobies. No beaver. Not even any side tit. Nothing. Nada.
I did see it over a year ago so who knows what they've added since. -
A spoiler warning needed for an entry into the torture porn sweepstakes? Ooooookay. Thanks for the heads up. Poor Roland Joffe. What the hell happened?! Oh, and here's one more sort-of defense of SUPER MARIO BROS.: a guilty pleasure if ever there was one.
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Shouldn't this so-called 'torture-porn' shit be over now? Boreddddddd!!
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I F'n loved that movie how come no sequal??? They set it up great... I know Roxett needs the money.
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I don't care if there was a spoiler warning on the link. Common internet practice is to put in the article that the spoiler follows. Even spoiler filled articles can have interesting facts and that is why they warn you the spoiler is coming. This is just another self-important Monkey wannabe critic who thinks he is the shit. Asshole. Let me enjoy my popcorn movie if I want. Lazy ass. Hey great, I don't come here that often and now I don't have half as many articles to read since I don't know where the fucking spoiler is in the article. Now I can come here less. &#@&*!#@$@#$@!X#!$%** Idiot!
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Way to fuck it up for everyone. I would never see it, so you did just save me some time and money on this SAW rip-off.
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you just saved million of folks their money.
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The Killing Fields...Super Mario Bros. Wow.
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That is just sad. But then again, he did direct the Scarlet Letter, but still.....
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She will get seriously maimed with 3 inches of long hard Cockula! I mean 4 inches!!!!!!!
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That poster of Elisha Cuthbert "sealed in carbonite" rocks. I want to buy it. The best movie poster of 2007, so far.
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billboards with the four panels of torture scenes, then I prey for their families. Jeebus Christmas, those ads were sick. Mori's right, and it has nothing to do with the kid. It has everything to do with "What in the hell is wrong with you assholes trying to be so fucking 'cutting edge' you have to resort to filth and depravity?"
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George Miller's resume is more mind-bending than Joffe's fall.
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That is a seriously good film. It's in the top 20 of my 300+ DVDs. I can't believe this is what he's doing now. And Killing Fields, that's no cinematic slouch either. Wow. Wow.
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not And scene.
stupid fuck -
Stupid Fuck.
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Miller made "Babe: Pig in the City" which was terrific, and wrote "Babe." That puts "Happy Feet" in that continuum. I wish he had not done "Thunderdome" but that's only because of that bungee cage fighting crap. At the end of the day (or night, which it is now), anyone who gives us "Mad Max," "Road Warrior" and the pig movies can toss a couple of shit logs on the fire. And "Happy Feet" was one of the strangest animated releases from one of the majors I have ever seen. The penguins were too real, entering the valley of the uncanny, and the message was a trip. Y'all get back to your stuff now.
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Nngh.
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I know you all secretly want a sequel. Bob Hoskins' best role in a lifetime of good roles, people de-evolving into monkeys, that "do the dinosaur" song, and Dennis Hopper overacting his way into my heart. It was a film made in heaven. Remember people, denial isn't just a river in Egypt. Oh, and trust the fungus.
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are two of my faves. Well, "Picnic" anyway.
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I thoroughly enjoy your rage! So, everyone, keep those spoilers coming WITHOUT WARNINGS!!!!!! Let's drive these assholes to tears!
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Mar 22, 2007 11:36:20 PM CDT
It's actually "...AND scene!" in the theater, dimwits..
by bob cryptonight
That's what the director will say during a rehearsal (although it's sort of a cliche by now).
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Kind of like how you have to put down a dog when it has rabies. This film also had to be "put to sleep." Or, as my parents told me, sold to some farm upstate.
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The article had a spoiler box on the main page.
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I will be honest and say that I have seen the film. My review is up at www.horrorreview.com for your viewing pleasure. And I saw this months ago before After Dark Films picked it up for distribution during the studio bidding war for it.
With the current onslaught of over-the-top gore that audiences expect nowadays, I found Captivity to be a brilliant breath of fresh air. It's written by a 68 year old scribe named Larry Cohen. For most of you on this board, you may be saying "who the hell is that?" Let me tell you a little something about Larry...in the eighties, he brought us a little gem called "The Stuff". A classic of the genre that begs to be remade. Larry also created the Maniac Cop franchise. An incredible B film that's still entertaining audiences today. 'Scream, Baby Scream'--a 1969 film--is also a forefather to the modern hack/slash crap being made today. Larry is one of the writers to stand the test of time. In 1990 he made Eric Roberts pretty damn cool in 'The Ambulance' and in '93 he made Rebecca De Mornay hotter than Paris Hilton in 'Guilty as Sin'. A couple years ago he scripted the little tale that had Hollywood shakers on its toes with 'Phone Booth' which at one point had Michael Bay hot after it...his biggest obstacle was getting Colin out of the phone booth. Cohen followed that with the David 'Snakes on a Plane' Ellis film 'Cellular'. Enough said about the writer of Captivity...he would school the crap out of any writer in this town.
Moving onto Roland Joffe. "The Killing Fields", "The Mission", "Goodbye Lover", MTV's popular series "Undressed"...
What more can I say about this talented director? The problem with cinephiles today is that they have A.D.D. They have absolutely no concept of what makes a slow burn of an atmospheric horror film. Look at films like 'The Day of the Jackal', 'The Haunting of Hill House', 'Death Wish'...we all knew the outcome of the film but it was about the journey getting there. Today, unfortunately, we have all of these talented music video directors moving into film and it's not working. They're trying to cram 90 minutes into 60 seconds and our attention span is lessening. One film that springs to mind is the ill-conceived Hitcher remake. The writing aside was beyond juvenile but the directing, yikes. The sequence with Sean Bean knocking off all the squad cars and helicopter while NIN's 'closer' was bumping...was, well, words cannot describe the experience. I want my money back.
Going back to Captivity...this is a female empowering film. I'm truly anxious to see the sequences they added to it. Gore hounds are going to salivate with what After Dark Films has suggested and contributed to the reshoots. There will be no disappointment for fans of the genre when this opens. The film itself has some pedigree beyond the production team. Laz Alonso (one of the cops) is starring in James Cameron's "Avatar". Daniel Gillies stars in Spider Man 2 and 3. Pruitt Taylor Vince is always the creepy guy...'Identity' anyone? And then we have Elisha...I would pay to see her simply read out of the phonebook.
Joffe's vision and first foray into the 'splat pack' field of play is a valiant effort and his film is better than any trip to a slovakian Hostel. -
Drew, I love your posts. I think you bring an intelligence and a level-headedness that Harry utterly lacks and can't even begin to fake. So I unequivocally understand your indignation at this film's tasteless ad campaign. The film is probably a dog, weak SAW knockoff that it is. In fact, I know people who saw the same screenings of it last year and absolutely hated it. I even knew how the movie ends because I've read the script. But I would think that you of all people would at least give silver screen veteran Larry Cohen, who's got 77 writing credits and 21 directing nods, a fair shake coming off the blocks. We come from the same generation, so I'm sure you've enjoyed, as I have, a lot of his earlier, and better, gems like the sublimely effective Q and the cheesy, funny, scary Rosemary's Baby sendup, IT'S ALIVE. How would you feel if Mr. Cohen were to get ahold of the shooting draft of your next produced script (assuming you're fortunate enough to have a next one) and splash the cool reversal all over the net for fanboys the world over to see? The fact is, Cohen's script, with its a dollar short and a day late concept was good enough to have made its way through stinking development and gotten made into a film that's being theatrically released. I would bet that less than 1% of the Talkbackers on this forum will ever enjoy that privilege. I suggest you show a little more respect to the seasoned veterans out there who are still able to make a living in one of the hardest industries on the planet. Because when you don't, it just makes you look like one of those "I'm too cool for fucking home school" wannabees living in his mother's basement.
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Mike Hodges: Get carter to Flash Gordon to the utter pish of Morons from Outer Space and then redeemd by croupier. Strange
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you don't have council estates in America. Tool.
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deal with it. Make up your own catchphrase. This is the final word from the middle fucking class.
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He's never been the overtly censored type, not in the years i've regularly visited this site, but you got to admit it is the truth. Just like with the Anna Nicole Smith thing,people in the entertainment industry that are trying to be hip and using "shock" humor often go to far. Censorship is wrong,but it's also wrong to have images of someone(simulated) being tortured, beaten,or molested out in the public for the world to see. If Eli Roth or Wes Craven feel like they have to make 1 hour and 45 minute long "films" of women being tortured or raped by mutant cannibals to make up for there lack of originality and creativity and people want to watch it,thats there business. Movies like Hostel and Hills have Eyes make alot of money but it's not something children should be exposed to at the bus stop or while walking down the sidewalk. The makers of this "shitfest" are just trying to get in the news.
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As an adult we can look at something like that poster and call it for what it is. A child ,depending on age, may not be able to determine what's going on or if it's "real" or not causing the parents to have to answer a bunch of questions. Art is in the eye of the beholder,if I think a film is going a route I find disturbing or just showing those kind of images for no real reason,I just won't give them my money. Censorship is like anything else,you can't pick and choose what the world should be able to see according to your own personal beliefs,just censor what you watch instead of pushing it on everyone else,but in public,whats out in the open, lines have to be drawn. Attack away.
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I've downloaded this movie, but I don't want to watch the whole thing. Could someone who's seen it please tell me at what point in the movie's running time Cuthbert gets tubes put in her nostrils?
Or does that even happen in the movie? Or is it just part of the marketing scheme??
Thanks in advance
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I hate all of these billboards mostly becuase they scare the crap out of my 4 year old. The Hills Have Eyes and Saw are the worst. Just when i pick a horror movie poster free route home, a bus pulls beside my car. Removing the billboards isn't censorship My kids can't go to the movies and see this crap and they shouldn't have any exposure to the billboards as well.
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He's pretty funny and with an editor he'd be great. Anyway do you guys really think Elisha is ever going to show her funbags? Get real. She will just as soon as Jennifer Love Hewitt does. In other words: never. I know its good to dream but I think your barking up the wrong tree.
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No, just kidding. I actually don't give a shit about anyone's kids, anywhere.
But this is still an awful billboard. I thought the eighties were bad in terms of the "Nudity is bad, Violence is fine" stuff, but it's only gotten worse. Now Janet Jackson gets excoriated for showing a goddamn human breast, something most women (and male readers of this site) possess, and meanwhile there's shit like this, glorifying misogyny. Well whatever. -
Can't breathe. That was some funny shit. Been a while since a post made me laugh that hard.
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So, I guess I have my own movie rating scale. It goes like this:
1) I would recommend this movie to my family and friends because it's really good.
2) I would recommend this movie to my family and friends because it's really clever.
3) I would recommend this movie to my family and friends because it's so bad it's funny.
4) I would recommend this movie to my sworn enemies because it would make them suffer.
5) I would recommend this movie to stray dogs because it would fill them with the fiery hatred necessary for survival.
6) I wouldn't even make stray dogs watch this movie because dying of starvation in your own filth or being eaten by homeless people is better.
7) I would strap a Nazi to a board and make him watch this movie because he deserves it.
8) I would give a Holocaust survivor the choice between watching this movie and going back into a concentration camp, and he would probably go back to camp.
9) Captivity.
Synopsis: Elisha Cuthbert is abducted and fucked with in some retarded labyrinth of a house. Every time you think she's figured it out, she hasn't. Unfortunately, you have, and you're probably already bored with it. So let's cut to the chase:
The true climactic emotionally-invested turning point in this movie is when the gay serial killer/abductor who was repeatedly raped by his mother and is now in weird gay love with his morbidly obese brother who watches him rape captive women while wearing a black gimp mask and then makes and feeds him sushi insists that they kill Elisha Cuthbert. Gay serial killer then stabs his obese lover/co-conspirator/brother with a sushi knife and then cries about it.
OK, to be honest, at this point in the movie, this action is a little anticlimactic. Like, for example - we've seen a man strapped to a board with his head and neck in a cast fed something probably acid-like and then die horribly. We've seen a woman strapped to a board with her head also strapped to the board with some velcro thingy have her face melted off with acid. We've seen a woman strapped to a board with her head bound with tape shoot her own dog with a shotgun. We've seen a woman strapped to a board watch while human noses and ears and tongues are blended in a blender, and then she's forced to eat them through a funnel.
Get my point? Let's look at this in conext:
For a moment in a movie to be truly moving, it has to stand out from the rest of the film in some way. For plot-driven movies, this mechanism is usually some unexpected twist or turn in which somebody's father turns out to be their mother, or brother, or worst enemy, or whatever. In character-driven movies, we usually learn something shocking and disturbing about a previously established character that we thought we knew (i.e., they're actually a man (The Crying Game); they're actually gay (In & Out); they're actually Satan's Helper (Constantine); they're actually Satan (Lost Souls); Satan is actually a gay homo (Southpark: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut); real men are actually gay and love but also hate buttsex and that doesn't make them any less of a man (Brokeback Mountain); Et Cetera.)
So, as far as this movie was concerned, I'd already been desensitized to violence and gore. A simple stabbing just didn't do it for me anymore. I mean, I really didn't care about the disturbing yet creepily loving gay relationship between these two brothers enough to be bothered by the fact that the skinny gay serial killer brother stabbed the fucking fatass gay serial killer who-likes-to-watch-his-brother-rape brother.
But any good person doesn't just point out problems without offering a solution. So here's my solution for this lackluster murder scene:
1) Make the knife a piece of glass that used to be part of a beaker that contained acid.
2) Make it so that the stabbing gay brother is burning his hand off with the acid while stabbing the fat gay brother.
3) Make them having sex while they're stabbing.
4) Make fat gay brother's butthole be made of acid so it burns skinny gay brother's dick off while he's simultaneously stabbing and making love to him.
5) Make fat gay brother have the ability to astrally project himself so he can watch himself get stabbed and assfucked by his soulmate gay brother, while burning his assrape dick off with his acid butthole.
6) Elisha Cuthbert's boobies. (somehow. I don't care.)
...
Ow. My brain hurts. I guess the movie won this time. Fuck it. Five stars and two thumbs up. By the way, the opening scene, which I already mentioned, was actually a flash-forward to the end of the movie. It was a guy strapped to a board with his head and neck in a cast so he couldn't move, being fed something horrible (acid? lye? the horrible suck of this movie distilled into a vile liquid?) until he dies. The person who fed it to him was Elisha Cuthbert. Apparently, after being held captive in the crazy house, she decided to become a serial-killer-killer vigilante of sorts, and then goes on to kill and torture them the way they deserve. Oh, uh... **SPOILER ALERT**. Did I forget to mention that?
I hate this movie.
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