Hey, everyone. ”Moriarty” here.

I hate those fucking billboards.

Look, I’m all about the shock effect. I’m not a particularly subtle man, and I can appreciate a good wallow in exploitation fare. But what I think is underhanded and offensive is using unapproved billboard art in places where kids can see it, simply to generate buzz for a ripoff quickie horror film, with no regard to the way that imagery might affect people seeing it. It’s one thing if someone wants to buy a ticket to a film called CAPTIVITY. It’s another if I have to explain to a child why the dead lady got the thing stuck up her nose and why her boobies are showing. I’m not the biggest fan of the MPAA, but stupid moves like the “accidental printing mistake” that caused After Dark Films to put up an entire ad campaign they presumably didn’t notice was the wrong one are exactly why the MPAA is a necessary evil. Thanks for completely abusing the system as a stunt, Courteney Solomon. You’ve just made it harder for a filmmaker who is genuinely trying to push some artistic agenda to accomplish their goals because you had to play Douchebag William Castle For A Day. Nice.

For your troubles, you jogged someone’s memory who saw this thing a year ago. And now they’re here to share with everyone. Are you sure that’s what you really want them to do? Because I don’t think they liked it, and it takes a lot to piss off “The Helper Monkey”:

I send this out more as a warning than a review. I suspect very soon you, my fellow movie geeks, will be inundated with ads touting Elisha Cuthbert's new film, Captivity, as the next SAW or SE7EN or The Cell.

DO NOT BELIEVE THEM!!!

For those of you intrigued by the idea of a hot young girl being held captive let me save you Ten bucks. Pruitt Taylor Vince and the pretty boy in the cell are the kidnappers. She kills them both and escapes.

But if your a glutton for punishment, by all means, keep reading.

Elisha Cuthbert is a vapid model who gets kidnapped by a faceless psycho who hides his identity by wearing a dark hoodie pulled down low. Ooooo SCARY!

She wakes up in a cell with four lockers conveniently numbered 1-4. Each locker contains a more terrifying set of clothes then the last. (Please don't make me wear the sluty leather mini-skirt. Not Michael Jackson's Royal Navy uniform. Anything but the little black dress with pumps!)

She tries to escape but can't, and soon realizes someone else is being held captive in a cell next to hers. It's a hunky boy! They scratch messages to one another on a painted window in what might be the only remotely cool visual in the entire film. They spend the next 40 minutes escaping one ridiculous trap after another and in the process they fall in love. Even though Cuthbert says over and over and over and over and over that she's never been in love, doesn't believe in love, and will never fall in love. Then, even though they know the kidnapper is taping everything they do and say, in true Paris Hilton fashion they do it. Because they're in love. The kidnapper even comes into the cell while they're fucking and they still don't stop. They can't. Because they're in love.

Meanwhile two retarded cops and an overacting psychologist spout cliched dialogue about serial killers that I'm pretty sure the writer cut and paste from any of a dozen other serial killer movies or TV shows at random along with clues that are probably supposed to be spooky and topical. Weird poetry on tarot cards, why that's just like the Beltway Sniper. Fantastic!

Anywho after the sex Elisha goes to sleep and, in a twist so shocking my helper monkey called it during the opening credits, the hunky prisoner unlocks his cell and goes upstairs to chat with the kidnapper. The movie pretty much spirals out of control from this point on as the hunky prisoner turns on his partner (Pruitt Taylor Vince) and stabs him with some kind of paring knife in the gut, killing him instantly. Now PTV is not a tiny guy. Probably runs 285, maybe 300. There is no way a knife to the midsection is gonna do anything but piss him off. But he drops dead... or does he?

On a side note, PTV seriously man fire your agent. You are better then this. Remember Heavy, Nobody's Fool, Constantine, even Touching Evil. Christ man pull your self together.

So the cops show up just in time for Hunky to shoot them, then he chases Elisha around the house for about 8 minutes so she can kill PTV again before she finally blasts hunky with a shotgun.

And scene.

This movie is 9 kinds of shity. But then again what do expect from the director of Super Mario Bros.

To be fair Roland Joffe has directed some notable films like The Killing Fields and The Mission. Since then, I can only assume he's suffered some sort of head trauma that left him incapable of originality or taste or vision. And by vision I actually mean eye-sight. Because if he had the ability to see, he would have taken his name off this fiasco.

90 minutes of test pattern complete with annoying tone would have been more compelling.

But hey that's just my opinion, maybe America will embrace this level of mediocrity like they have CRASH and Captivity will get nominated for 6 Oscars.

Call me The Helper Monkey