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AICN COMICS REVIEWS MIGHTY AVENGERS! THE SPIRIT! And an Indie Jones you have to see to believe...!!!

#50 2/21 & 28/07 #5

The Pull List (Click title to go directly to the review) New This Week: MIGHTY AVENGERS #1 New This Week: MARVEL ZOMBIES/ARMY OF DARKNESS #1 CIVIL WAR #7 THE SPIRIT #3 RUNAWAYS #24 X-FACTOR #16 FIRESTORM #33 BLACK PANTHER #25 Indie Jones presents LOCAL #8 Indie Jones presents STICKY CHEAP SHOTS!

NEW THIS WEEK!

THE MIGHTY AVENGERS #1

Writer: Brian Michael Bendis Artist: Frank Cho Publisher: Marvel Comics Reviewer: Ambush Bug

Team books are a guilty pleasure of mine. Group a bunch of unlikely heroes together and force them to use teamwork to defeat a common foe too powerful for one hero to handle and I’m usually sold. Such is the case with THE MIGHTY AVENGERS. This is a comic that, despite the fact that it ties closely to CIVIL WAR, shows that you can make a good story out of elements of a not-so-good one. Although I’ve had issues with Brian Michael Bendis’ writing and the recent direction of the Marvel Universe has taken, I must admit that this is one very strong issue--one worthy of the MIGHTY tagline in the title.
This issue is very similar to the zero issue of the recent JLA relaunch in that it is a small group of heroes choosing who they want to be on the ultimate lineup of the world’s greatest heroes. Bendis does a great job of setting the stage and getting into Tony Stark’s head. And this surprises me, since Iron Man was one of the hardest heroes to relate to during the entire CIVIL WAR. Here, Bendis makes him relatable. You may not like the situation Iron Man has basically created for himself in this new Marvel Universe, but Bendis makes it so that he’s likable again. He’s a flawed Batman-like character who realizes that he’s got some control issues and is attempting to rectify them, but failing at every turn. This is the type of fallible hero that was absent in CIVIL WAR, yet present in this issue throughout.
I have to give props for Bendis’ use of thought bubbles too in this issue. Although using the thought bubbles makes for some awkward back-and-forthing in the dialog between Iron Man and Ms. Marvel, the newly appointed leader of the Avengers, I have to give the guy credit for trying to bring back the old comic book standby. It seems as if Bendis has been used to using captions for inner monologue and hasn’t gotten the hang of using them yet.
The structure of this issue was nice as well. Each new member of the team is highlighted and the reasoning about their inclusion is discussed in depth. I especially liked the reasoning behind the inclusion of Wonder Man and the Wasp. In fact, the line-up is pretty great and a much more traditional team than that other Avengers title. Although I’m pretty sick of the sappy Sentry at this point, the rest of the team has me looking forward to their adventures.
Frank Cho specializes in making women look hot. And he does so throughout this issue. His solid line work and shapely figures were never better. Sometimes it borders on cheesecake, but with vivid panels such as these, I can’t complain.
All in all, this is a mighty intro issue that has piqued my interest and rejuvenated my Marvel Jones after the energy sapping event that was CIVIL WAR. Bendis seems to be making the best of the mess the Marvel Universe has become. You may be like me and not liked how the Marvel Universe turned out at the end of CIVIL WAR, but I have to admit that, if this issue is any indication, there may yet be hope.

NEW THIS WEEK!

MARVEL ZOMBIES/ARMY OF DARKNESS #1

Writer: John Layman Artist: Fabiano Silva Neves Publisher: Marvel/ Dynamite Reviewer: Ambush Bug

Although, out of all of the EVIL DEAD movies, ARMY OF DARKNESS is my least favorite, I still can appreciate it for bringing the character of Ash to the forefront of geek culture. And although I try my damndest to read as many zombie comics as possible and love Kirkman’s WALKING DEAD series, I wasn’t a big fan of Kirkman’s MARVEL ZOMBIES. But I tried not to let that sway my opinion going into this crossover issue.
I have to give props to this book for diving right into the meat of the problem as Ash accidentally falls through a portal leading to the Marvel Universe. And not the regular Marvel Universe. It’s the zombified version as the Deadite plague from the EVIL DEAD movies cause the Avengers to turn into flesh eating ghouls. I really liked the interaction between Ash and the rest of the Avengers. And there’s a really fun scene where Ash inadvertently helps a member of the Wrecking Crew beat Daredevil. Writer John Layman “gets” Ash as he is more of a bumbling hero rather than your typical do-gooder, despite the square jaw.
Usually these crossovers follow the tired formula of the two heroes meeting and fighting, then they are forced to team up later on in the series. But this issue cuts to the chase, zombifies the entire Avengers team, and throws Ash into action to destroy them all in the first issue. I don’t know where this one is going because it seems as if all of the heroes are actually dead and not returning in this Elseworlds-type tale.
The art is equally fun with classic representations and pencilings of the super-heroes and accurate depictions of the carrier of the chainsaw and the boomstick. All in all, this is a fun read and worth your coin if you’re a fan of either the MARVEL ZOMBIES story or the EVIL DEAD movies. I had a blast and can’t wait till the next issue.

CIVIL WAR #7 (of 7)

Mark Miller: Writer Steve McNiven: Artist Marvel Comics: Publisher Vroom Socko: Veteran

I just want to say first off that there are a few things I liked quite a bit in the finale to CIVIL WAR. The fight between Cap and Iron Man was particularly visceral. The bit where Tony is laid out in all his control-freak glory, with Cap standing over him going, "In all the years to come, in your most private moments, I want you to remember my hand... at your throat. I want...You to remember..." Damnit, wait! Wait.
Sorry. That's from DARK KNIGHT RETURNS.
But I did like the jailbreak scene, with Cap leading the charge. And all the prison guards are wetting themselves, going, "He's too big..." Shit! Sorry, wrong book again. That's DKR still.
Well, there's the bit at the end, where the only holdouts remaining are the New Avengers, where Luke Cage says "Looks like we're criminals." And Spidey responds, "Sure we're criminals. We've always been cri-" FUCK!
Okay, other than a bunch of story concepts that are twenty years old, what does this issue bring? Not much besides gratuitous violence and enough cynicism to fill Loch Ness. Sure, Joey Q says that this is the sort of thing that'd happen in the real world, and he's close to being right. After all, in the real world there’s a whole lot of shitheels, yesmen, and arrogant bastards who are certain of nothing but their being right about everything, and there’s very few genuine, noble people who hold dignity and honor above all else. If that’s the real world, then that’s what the Marvel Universe has become, and I can't help but feel that we as readers and fans have lost more than we’ve gained by this change. It's become...how to explain this?
You guys know the theory of the Uncanny Valley? How an artificial representation of a person becomes more relatable the more human it looks, until it hits a point that's so close, the only thing that stands out are the differences and it becomes something repulsive and uncomfortable to look at? That's what Marvel has become. It's a world smack dab at the bottom of that valley, with NBC's “Heroes” up on top of one side and Kirkman's INVINCIBLE on the other. It's a world that is ugly and bitter; a world that has taken characters older than I am and turned them into something so far removed from their original intent that they've become something monstrous.
I've been reading Marvel comics for as long as I've been a comic book reader. I'm one of the few who stuck through the 90's with them, even enjoying that period in places. I've happily spent more hours and more issues with these characters than I can count. But right now I'm a hair's breath away from turning my back on the Marvel Universe, never to return. To quote Alan Moore, "It's cold, and it's mean-spirited, and I don't like it here anymore."
I must admit though, what little interest I have left is based on the idea that Tony Stark and his Illuminati pals are planning on using their power to remake the country. (That's not from DKR, right?) It'll be somewhat interesting to watch these now compromised people try to change society for the better. Using their abilities to make life for the average shmuck a better place... And with Mar-Vell back, I bet they even make it a priority to find a cure for canc-
SQUADRON MOTHERFUCKING SUPREME! That's it, I fucking quit!

THE SPIRIT #3

Writer/ Artist: Darwyn Cooke Publisher: DC Comics Reviewer: Baytor

There's nothing worse than comic creators who can't be bothered to get it right.
Really, is it so hard to go back and re-read Will Eisner's origin of The Spirit and remain faithful to it? Why do these creators insist on missing the point at every opportunity? My biggest fear is that many of today's readers will read this comic and think this is perfectly acceptable, just because it's so darn charming and well done.
Is this why we buy comics? Enjoyment?
Feh!
Next they'll be trotting out the old one about "good stories", as if that's justification for character assassinations such as these. Well, I for one would rather be reading comics I hate featuring characters I know and love, then to be reading brilliant comics about characters I don't know anymore. The last thing the comic industry needs are "professionals" who stroke their egos by telling "good stories".
This issue of (dare I call it) Will Eisner's THE SPIRIT features a number of gross inaccuracies in The Spirit's origin. The most glaring is the presence of Ellen, who any real Spirit fan knows didn't meet The Spirit until his second adventure when she came into town engaged to another man…and she certainly didn't look like this, her beauty concealed behind unflattering glasses and pulled up hair. Or what about Ebony? Where's his trademark vocal stylings? And don't get me started on them updating the comic to the modern age, because that would make it easier for new fans to enjoy the book? What were they thinking trying to appeal to the micro-brained masses when there's a good 5,000 fans who breathlessly await the *real* adventures of The Spirit in his Archive collections? Is their money somehow less valuable than the tens of thousands of "fans" who purchase this travesty of a comic each month?
I can hear those sad boys now, defending this comic because of the fine visual style and quality writing. Sure, Cooke manages to breathe life into these characters and tell a rip-roaring good adventure. But the name on the front of the comic is THE SPIRIT and I only see a blue masked pretender within these pages. For heaven's sake, he's even seen carrying a gun.
I know, I know, Will Eisner also showed The Spirit carrying a gun in his earliest adventures, but he quickly realized that was a misstep and corrected his mistake; but it seem Darwyn "piss on it and make it mine" Cooke can't be bothered to make alterations to the story that would be in the true spirit of the character. No, he has to go about adding needless depth to nameless henchmen and putting Denny Colt in a windbreaker, because that's what the tragically hip kids want from their comics today.
Read the book if you must, but just don't pretend that this has anything to do with the *real* Spirit. The last thing we need is another character forever perverted by the selfish desires of so-called fans who want nothing but enjoyment from their comics.

RUNAWAYS #24

Writer: Brian K. Vaughan Penciler: Adrian Alphona Publisher: Marvel Comics Reviewed by Humphrey Lee

The "end of an era" (that no one bought in the first place apparently--bastards) and we're now faced with a new era on the horizon not featuring either of the creative team of Vaughan and Alphona that launched this title a good five years or so ago. So how does this end--with a bang, or a whimper? Well, how about a little of both?
See, the thing is, this whole final arc hasn't really seemed like a final arc, y'know? Yeah, there's been a great lot of tension behind the actions of Chase as he's made an agreement with the Gibborim to exchange an innocent soul for the life of his lost love Gert. But overall I've felt the drama has fallen a little flat as there hasn't been much foreboding, but more just an emphasis on Chase's actions as he's gone and kidnapped members of the Pride that replaced the original one to gain info on the Gibborim, and as he invaded the Runaways home base, the Hostel, in order to take away the means the rest of his teammates would need to stop him. The "heart" of the conflict doesn't really make its presence known until the physical conflict itself heats up. It's when Chase finally realizes that he doesn't have the constitution or qualifications to do what is necessary to bring back his love that things start to hang heavy.
The trademark sense of humor BKV used for this book is more than lively here as well though, which does bring back some levity as the mood finally does get appropriately dark. More referencing to Molly's run-in with Wolverine back at the beginning of this volume, and even a hilariously impromptu Fastball Special, break it all up in the middle and there's the usual bit of "pop cultural skewerings" that have made this book very much modern throughout its run. And an ending of sorts as we are left with things changed, but not really, and a slight shift in the status quo setting us up for the next creative team. Which, despite my reservations about the originators of this title leaving it, I honestly can't think of anyone who can handle this teams dynamic better than Joss Whedon. But uh, yeah, not too thrilled about that little appearance by a certain "almost fascist now turned director of the highest spy organization in the world" at the end point though. Yeah, sure, it definitely is a twist that will have a drastic effect on our group of misfits, but again, not every fucking thing needs to be a tie-in. Seriously.
But it was a great ride while it lasted, and this comic has made my geek reading over the past half decade all the more enjoyable. I remember being so disappointed back when the first volume of this book was winding down, I couldn't believe something so fun and off-the-wall energetic with such a great cast could possibly be staring down cancellation. But it bounced back, and we got another two great years out of it and I'm thankful with high hopes for the future. Come on, Joss freaking Whedon is going to write it? At least somebody believes in this title. Thanks again. Cheers...

X-FACTOR #16

Writer: Peter David Penciler: Pablo Raimondi Publisher: Marvel Comics Reviewed by Humphrey Lee

Here's a little something about me when it comes to characters in comic books: I really don't have allegiance to anyone. Sure, there's some characters I'd prefer to read. If a good Batman story falls in my lap that tends to get my fanboy juices going, and I'm of the personal opinion that John Constantine is the best and most layered character to set foot into a established universe. But all I really care about is the story at the end of the day, and a good writer should be able to make me care about any character. They all have the potential to be interesting, it's just a matter for the right writer to bring that potential to actuality (well, except for Supergirl--fuck that boring piece of jailbait). But where was Animal Man before Grant Morrison got his hands on him? How about The Question who just wandered around a bit before Denny O'Neil pulled out a short but legendary series about him back in the day? Any character has the potential for a great story, or a multitude of them--sometimes you just need the right circumstances.
Peter David makes me believe in X-FACTOR. This ragtag little bunch of no-names and non-players in the Marvel Universe, and I tune in every month with so much enthusiasm to see what is going on in their lives simply because PAD is taking us on a journey with them. You don't know where it's going to take us, but it's really such a great ride you don't care. Take this current story arc for example. To recap, a few years ago Jamie Madrox released some of his duplicates "into the wild", I guess you could say. The basic purpose of this was he wanted them to go out and learn about the world at large; law, business, religion, etc. Last issue that led into a confrontation with Hydra and SHIELD that was equal parts hilarious and disturbing for their own reasons, but now Jamie's out in the quiet outskirts to reabsorb an aspect of him that became a minister...but things don't go as smoothly as he'd hoped. In the time he's been gone the minister dupe has made a life for himself: wife and kid, nice little house and church out in the wilderness, he's living the peace and quiet Jamie always wanted for himself. So that leaves him with one brutal question: how far is Jamie willing to go to reclaim that small piece of him, that little missing part of his soul? It's a damned hard question, but so riveting to watch unfold. Right on the tail of our little @$$ie awards, I can easily say I think Madrox is already the frontrunner to become my "Best Character" for next year's batch of these.
And Jamie's not the only one with a dilemma on his hands; Monet and Siryn have got themselves in a giant pot of boiling water overseas. Arrested for trying to stop a hate riot targeted at a small crowd of hiding mutants, both M and Theresa are led to jail where they're incarcerated by the authorities, leaving the mutants defenseless and to eventually get slaughtered by the rioters, something that doesn't sit well with our jet setting heroines, leading Monet to do the unthinkable. Add in the twist of the sole survivor of the hospice massacre running away from the country with M and Siryn, and now a mysterious hooded figure with glowing eyes trailing them the entire way and then actually lending them an unbeknownst helping hand, this book has more ongoing plotlines and plot twists going for it than an episode of “General Hospital”, which is why it's such an exciting read month and month out.
Another thing that has really helped this book continue that momentum has been the consistent inclusion of Pablo Raimondi's art. It's nice to have a regular after a period of three or four months where it seemed like we were getting a new artist each month. But it also helps that his art is just damn good. Honestly, after his work on the MADROX mini-series with PAD I dunno why he wasn't the regular to begin with. Whenever I think of Madrox's character, it's his penciled version that I see. And his art just creates the perfect atmosphere for the comic. Soft lines give the characters just the right amount of genuine emotion, but there's enough ink on the pages to make the panels properly moody. And, oh look, an artist that puts backgrounds in 90% of his panels. How novel. It's just great work and does so much to enhance already great storytelling.
Right now, this is hands down my favorite Marvel title, which is saying a lot considering the company is putting out at least a handful of A grade comics right now, in spite of the FUBAR that is CIVIL WAR and all its mediocre tie-ins and spin offs (which is why each and every day I thank the Lord Kirby for Ed Brubaker's existence). But this book has so much going for it, and doesn't look to be slowing down anytime soon. Never would I have imagined that a book beginning with an "X-" in front of it would be the benchmark of quality I hold that company to, but to be honest, that little suffix has nothing to do with anything. This is great storytelling, and a genuine care for characters and a wonderful cast of them. This is how you do superhero comics.

FIRESTORM #33

Writer: Dwayne McDuffie Artist: Dan Jurgens & Ken Lashley Publisher: DC Comics Reviewer: Squashua

Firestorm used to bore me, but that was before they put a new writer on it. Now it's back in my queue. Dwayne McDuffie has Firestorm hit New God Orion out of the park (literally) with this issue. Exciting, entertaining, and with the sort of witty banter I'd expect, it's way too damn bad this book is about to be cancelled.
The thing is, there was no way I could justify telling you to read those older issues just to save the series for a new writer. That would have made no sense. Fortunately, according to all the convention reports, there are signs of "big things" in the future for Firestorm. And from the look of things, it seems like a natural progression to have Firestorm, whatever the heck he is (elemental, meta-human, what-have-you), enter the world of the New Gods. And hanging out with Mister Miracle, despite the odd Seven Soldiers continuity gaffs ("52"), is a visual delight. All we need now is a Flash guest-appearance to complete the red-gold trifecta. Even the "I only appear in this series" character Gehenna makes good use of her onscreen appearances.
Definitely pick up this issue, likely along with the rest of the tale, and help play this series offstage. From this excellent debut, I don't anticipate failure, but I'll keep you posted if an unexpected dog is dropped on us in a future issue.

BLACK PANTHER #25

Writer: Reginald Hudlin Artist: Koi Turnbull Publisher: Marvel Reviewer: Jinxo

Wow. It’s kinda hard to find a character in the Marvel Universe today who doesn’t suck in some way. Iron Man? Fascist manipulative wiener. Captain America? Good guy but apparently being an idealist instead of a realist makes you a douchebag. Plus he threw in the towel at the crucial moment of the CIVIL WAR. And according to Donald Trump on “The Apprentice”, being a quitter is a hanging offense. Spider-Man? Well, good guy, but his decision to reveal his identity was such a bad one that it’s embarrassingly stupid. X-Men? Sat it all out. So they’re smart, but, well, wusses. How did they end up out of a fight over civil liberties for super heroes? That’s their thing!
But one guy--actually one Marvel power couple--came out of all the mess looking pretty good. Black Panther and Storm were maybe the only two to come out of it unsullied. But then again, it makes sense. Panther is the king, and in the words of Monty Python you can tell the king because he’s the guy without shit all over him.
Panther’s one of the few characters to really come out looking cool from this CIVIL WAR. He took great personal and political risks he didn’t have to just to support people he believed in based on his strong personal convictions, Storm his equal partner the whole time. So they kick the crap out of Sue and Reed Richards as a couple too.
I just wish Part Three of the BLACK PANTHER/CIVIL WAR crossover could have held up as well as the man himself. It just doesn’t hold up quite as well as the previous issues. And the problem comes down to more stupidity on how Marvel has handled this CIVIL WAR event. The main rule of the series seems to be that if something important happens in the main CIVIL WAR series it can’t be shown in any of the crossover stories, leading to much tap-dancing around important story beats in those other books. In most cases it has been handled well. You see the heroes head off to the big battle and then we cut to them returning going, “Wow, that was some battle!” And on with the story! Want to read what happened, head over to the CIVIL WAR book.
But this issue of BLACK PANTHER handles the problem so badly that the book becomes pointless. They start with a great concept: make the book about Storm, Goddess of Weather, throwing down with the twisted clone of Thor, God of Thunder. Great! Only problem is that Mecha-Thor’s fate is clearly spelled out in the final issue of CIVIL WAR and it doesn’t involve Storm. That means from the start the plot in BLACK PANTHER can’t go anywhere. If BLACK PANTHER was released first then you might at least think it could go somewhere and then be inspired to go read CIVIL WAR to see what happened. Only BLACK PANTHER came out after the last issue of CIVIL WAR, so going in you KNOW it will go nowhere.
And then how they handle the cut around is just plain bad. Storm and Mecha-Thor throw down and then, oops, Thor gets a new dance partner and we get to watch Storm and Sue Storm watching the final fight off panel, chatting like girlfriends just hanging out together at the mall. Only they aren’t hanging at the mall. They are in the middle of what is supposed to be an epic battle to decide the soul of the Marvel Universe. So why am I getting a tension-free comedy moment? It’s the exact same tactic that Kevin Smith used in “Dogma” for the big battle with the Golgotha Shit Monster. And in that case Kevin Smith admitted he did it because he had no idea how to stage a fight scene and so went for the comedy of the reaction shots. He couldn’t do an action scene. What’s Marvel’s excuse for a throwaway scene at a crucial moment?
But, hey, what else could they do? Can’t show the final big battle. Well then, I’d say they shouldn’t have started a fight they couldn’t finish. Or they should have found a real way to work around that problem. How about this: this is evil Thor. He has killed before. In that very issue of BLACK PANTHER they reestablish he is potentially an insane killer. How about he actually gets the better of Storm? How about he is on the verge of crushing her with his hammer Mjorn? Storm is fading in and out as the hammer is about to fall and then, bam, Thor’s final opponent saves the day with a flying tackle. Storm blacks out and then comes to after the fact, as curious about what happened as we are. Okay, it makes Storm more the damsel in distress, but it’s better than showing her as someone who would stop for chit chat with a gal pal and watch a fight while the most important battle of the war is still going on around her. “Help! We need more fighters over here!!!” “Sorry, I have ringside seats to the best fight since Wrestlmania! Woo hoo! Be there in a minute!!!”
This issue aside, Black Panther and Storm are the two characters who I actually have some curiosity about post-war. Almost every other hero I have a bad taste in my mouth for right now. These two I still care about. And with no gihugiant crossover event to get in the way, hopefully there won’t be any “can’t show that bit” problems to interfere with their stories in the future. I’m also very curious to see how these two will play as members of The Fantastic Four.

LOCAL #8

Writer: Brian Wood Penciler: Ryan Kelly Publisher: ONI PRESS Reviewed by Humphrey Lee

Getting right to the point to start this off, I'll start with a personal note: I know fuck all about relationships. Sure, it's nice to have someone in your life, someone you care about, someone that "completes" you and all that jibbajabba. But I also like my space... god do I like my space. But at the end of the day, sometimes you need something or someone to fill that space. We all can't go off and live in a void, it'll drive you fucking mad. I know, I've stared that abyss down quite a few times in my day, and it's not as pretty as those special effects were in that James Cameron classic (man I love that movie. That Ed Harris is so dreamy.... errr... anyways). But then you're left asking yourself, what kind of person do I want to be with? What is my ideal mate? What qualities should they have to define themselves, and to mesh properly with mine? And so on and so forth. But here's the rub: just because you think certain characteristics are exactly what you want (and maybe even need ) in a mate, doesn't mean that it really is so. And that's a stark revelation to our lead gal Megan here in this issue of LOCAL.
Our girl has been making her rounds again, this time winding up in the Windy City, Chicago. She's 26 now, waitressing at a quaint little joint, and occasionally schtupping a grungy but kinda cute coworker of hers. It's not a great life, but it's not a bad one either, and therein lies the rub. We all want better. We all know the grass is greener on the other side, we just can't always leap the fence to get over there. But Megan has an opportunity before her; a very handsome, very charming and gentlemanly admirer of hers at the diner who is infatuated with her, and she's more than reciprocating herself.
Sometimes we just get sick of the norm. Not a day goes by that I don't take a minute to take account of everything and ask myself "Is this it?" Is this all that's there's going to be? How can I make things better and will I grab onto the moment that will make them so? And this issue is all about that moment smacking Megan right in her face. This book revels in life, and it's absolutely brilliant to behold. All the little things that make the days that much more bearable, or even enjoyable. The nuance, the emotion, the quirky things we do and the people around us do to keep us sane. That's what LOCAL is, and that's why it works. Brian Wood has a great ability to make all these things seem unique and fresh, even though we live them out every damn day. We pull for our protagonist Megan because that's who we are. This book just packs so much raw emotion into it, it can be just as brutal a read as it can be an uplifting one. And that's why every issue has impressed me thus far, and this one is no exception. This is just good comics.
And just as this is "good comics" from a writing perspective, this is just damn good comics from a visual one. I've probably said it here once before, but if I haven't I'll say it again--Ryan Kelly is probably the most underrated artist out there today. Every panel of this book is just a spectacle. So much detail, so much atmosphere, and the perfect dolloping of black ink to make it all work without getting too heavy. This book is all about the emotion, and without an artist who can properly convey that emotion, then your book has no heart and soul. Kelly is this book's heart and soul and thank god for it.
This book is why I love comics, because they can be anything they want. They can be "gods" dressed up in spandex fighting over skyscrapers for the fate of the planet, they can be renegade preachers chasing after God, or they can be something that could quite literally be going on in the apartment next to yours. There's no reason for the medium to limit itself to one kind of genre, but alas that's how things work. But that's why a book like this stands out so much more, because it dares to be genuine, and fuck you if you don't care. This is just good comics. Heartfelt, thought-provoking, and easily accessible. This is always a surefire return on investment for my three bucks any time it comes out, and it could be for you too.

STICKY

Collaborators: Dale Lazarov, Steve MacIsaac Publisher: Bruno Gmunder Verlag Totally NOT GAY: Squashua

I'm hanging around the talkbacks a month or so ago, and I see a short discussion about me. Nothing special like last week’s “Squashua, you are a complete douche”-a-thon, just stuff like, "That Squashua, I can't believe he…" and "Squashua' says he’s blah-blah-blah…" It was not long after that one particular Talkbacker chimed in with, " Squashua isn't a he; she's a SHE."
Turns out that, during an even earlier Talkback, there was a debate about sexuality and in one post I eluded that I was male and later jokingly posted that I was a lesbian, which would translate to mean, "in a man's body". Ha-ha. I graduate Junior High next year.
I corrected the astonished Talkbacker who, now that I think about it, may have previously masturbated to thoughts of a sexy female @$$hole named Squashua writing hot comic reviews in her lingerie while her mouse hand explored Azeroth. Possibly my earlier She-Hulk love note to Dan Slott threw him. I’m sorry to have dashed your hopes, unnamed Talkbacker.
So it was a bit of an additional hit to my sexuality when, that very day, I received an emailed request to review a hardcover of stylish hardcore male pornography in comic form. "Alright,” I thought initially, “stylish hardcore comic pornography for males; that's right up my alley."
No. No, Squashua. No.
He meant hardcore MALE pornography. That's right up an alleyway you don't travel – riding the chocolate choo-choo express to poo-ville.
Not that there's anything wrong with that. Just sayin'.
So, as this becomes yet another episode of “Noob Squashua reveals @$$hole secrets,” I check with the other @$$es and they inform me that I can turn down any review I want. It’s not like I have to read anything or accept any offer, especially if I feel uncomfortable. But that’s the thing, I didn’t feel uncomfortable at all. I'm no stranger to porn, heck I used to have an Empornium account before I forgot my password; none of this shit is going to shock me. I check with the little lady to make sure she knows we might receive a brown-paper package of non-hetero mail (see what I did there?), and she's cool with it. Heck, she'll take a look too. So I agree to do the review. I figure I'll eventually pass the copy along to a very nice gay couple we know.
...
...
...
I receive the book in the M-A-I-L about a week later. A shrink-wrapped hardcover depicting two classic "bear" men embracing. For those of you who do not know, "bear" is a term used to describe "husky" men, which I learned when being referred to as such by previously mentioned nice gay couple. Pretty much every naked man in this book is drawn as a "bear". Just FYI.
I peel off the shrink-wrap and out fall a couple of pamphlets advertising other books, one of which depicts a large black man with a gigantic banana-hammock. It's not that I was looking; it's that his penis was the size of his entire body. HIS ENTIRE BODY.
This did not bode well.
I crack open the book and start reading. After the first couple pages of a man fantasizing and then being joined by his male lover, I realize there are no word balloons. In fact, a few page-flips reveals no lettering at all. It’s just like the classic Larry Hama silent issue of GI JOE, only with more anal sex.
And boy-howdy, is there anal sex. Look, I’ve only been told I’m hung so maybe I don’t know any better, but these guys... their penises are just... so enormous. They're gigantic. Ginormous. And when they ejaculate, it's like all over the page – everywhere; almost goofy porn-star proportions.
Now yes, there is the expected anal and oral sex in this book, and it’s my solemn duty to inform you that they’re semi-responsible. Every scene involves a condom, which is a big plus, but what I mean by semi-responsible is that after the first sex scene, they skeet all over the bedroom. And all over each other. For a couple panels. And even ON a couple panels. Then one of the guys licks/eats the other guy's stuff. If sex-ed taught me one thing, it’s that you still can contract diseases from swallowing jizz. Kind of defeats the purpose of the condom, but what the fuck; here I am nitpicking gay line-art pornography.
Speaking of which, according to these pictures, did you know the recipient's penis just lies there on his stomach? I wondered what they do with that; figured it'd flop around or they'd tape it down or someone would hold onto it or something. The more you know.
So you ask; is it all just butt-sex, or is there more to it?
Well, yes.
Sticky is a tale told in three chapters, bookended by our two bear-friends having relations. The first story is about one catching the other unawares and two rascals having a very "naughty" afternoon in the bedroom. With anal sex. The second story is framed through the television as a guest on a Jerry Springer-esque show comes out to disastrous results, but subsequently pulls the heartstrings of an onlooker. Plus anal sex. The final tale is the most visually satisfying: an all male Halloween party. See if you can spot Bert and Ernie in the crowd. Plus, there’s sex with the involvement of anuses.
The stories themselves are lighthearted enough, and then punctuated with ass-poundingly hardcore sex scenes. If reading well-inked male bear-types having sex in various positions is your thing, this book is definitely for you. I’ve passed it on to my homosexual friends and I’m told they’re successfully using it as a bathroom reader. Me? I prefer live-action amateur ladies in their twenties; now if only I can get my Empornium account re-activated.

Remember, if you have an Indie book you’d like one of the @$$holes to take a look at, click on your favorite reviewer’s link and drop us an email.


PUNISHER WAR JOURNAL #4 Marvel Comics

I really enjoyed this issue, it worked on a lot of levels. One, I actually enjoyed that it was a somewhat heartfelt goodbye to a pretty cheesy villain, and a kind of tribute to the world of the underappreciated D-level/throwaway villains of yesteryore. Two, it was also funny, because it skewers those same lame ass villains that probably should never existed. Plus, come on, the bits with the Doombot were hilarious. And three, I think The Fractor here might be my new hero for doing the one thing I've waited to see in a comic for at least a decade...kill the fucking Shocker!! And thank god for that. Seriously, fuck that character. Gay power, gay costume, no relevancy whatsofuckingever. This was a really damn entertaining book, and I'm definitely sticking around for a while now. Hell, I might even go buy a second copy of this for double the Shocker exploding fun! I just wish Deodato was doing more than just a fill in on this. – Humphrey

POWERS #23 Marvel ICON

Cunt cunt cunt classy Chi-town ganglands flashback cunt cunt tits cunt cunt deeper look into history cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt vagina cunt cunt cunt avatar of evil cunt cunt cunt cunt hamhanded abuse diminishes impact cunt cunt shit cunt addiction is a nasty habit cunt fuck cunt cunt cunt big reveal not to be missed cunt cunt cunt cunt Oeming delivers the usual cunt excellence cunt poop cunt incredible visuals cunt cunt relationship never the same cunt again cunt cunt tang cunt clearly one of the best cunt issues ever cunt cunt near monkey cunt fap proportions cunt piss cunt don't take no shit off of nobody cunt cunt burma shave. - Squashua

THE IMMORTAL IRON FIST #3 Marvel Comics

So we're on our third issue now of IRON FIST, and I'm happy to say things are still moving along relatively smoothly. We're finally getting an evil, villainous face to put to some of the deeds behind the badness coming our protagonist’s way that has been gathering for the first couple issues. Plus getting some background on the mysterious Orson Randall who also contains the power of the Iron Fist inside him. But I'll tell you what bothers me about this book. It's not anything to do with the direct storyline going on here (though, okay, if I had one true gripe with this so far it would be that I think the plot is unfolding a little too slowly, but that's it--honest) but it's the goddamn looming cloud of CIVIL WAR. There's a part where Danny is internal monologuing, and he's talking about how now he has to worry about SHIELD being on his back and forcing him to work in the shadows. And I can't help but think, doesn't SHIELD already know he is who he is, and since he's, uh, head of one of the richest corporations in the world, it's not exactly like he's hard to find. Can't they just go in and arrest him for not being registered? And then I can't help but think how fucking stupid that is, and how now it's stuck in my head the entire goddamn time I'm just trying to read a freaking IRON FIST comic!!! Fuck you Marvel. You really just couldn't let things be could you? Arseholes. Whatever. It's still a great comic in spite of. Go, buy, enjoy. Cheers... – Humphrey

CHECKMATE #11 DC Comics

Another issue abounds, and the plot thickens some more. I like a lot of the nuance going on in this, and the depth being brought to some of these characters. We're getting more glimpses into the past of former JLAer Fire, and how things could be that she's got it in her to become the assassin she has. And the main plot going on in this, that of Amanda "The Wall" Waller using her power within Checkmate to run her own agenda with her new pocket Suicide Squad, is the real deal. The political intrigue is still in full flow, the characters are fleshing themselves out, and there's even a bit of somewhat obscured continuity going on here with the reintroduction of Bane and how it conflicts with the fact that the old Judomaster's son (who died at Bane's hands in the pages of INFINITE CRISIS) is a member of our resident super secret organization. There's a lot of balls being juggled here, but Rucka and Co. are still turning out a really damn good (if underappreciated) product here. – Humphrey

SHE-HULK #16 Marvel Comics

Just when I thought I was out... od I loved this issue. Besides the standard She-Hulk slugfest, there's some laughs both with and at continuity, an absolutely beautiful Star Wars reference, a hint of what's to come in World War Hulk, and Mallory Book coming into her own as an independent character rather than a foil for the rest of the cast (the last two pages with Mallory feature some of the best character work Slott's done to date.) As long as this title sticks around with this writer attached, there's going to be at least one Marvel book I'll continue to buy. - Vroom

JSA CLASSIFIED #23 DC Comics

Dammit, I keep on trying to drop this series, but they keep on pulling me back in. I’m living a Pacino cliché! Yet this issue is a nice little horror story featuring one member of the JSA fit for horror stories. Dr. Mid-Nite happens upon a bunch of wannabe vampires and ends up confronting what looks like the real thing. It’s science against superstition in this well paced (thanks to new to me writer, J.T. Krul) and surprisingly well drawn (thanks to new to me artist, Alex Sanchez) issue. As of this month, I was declaring JSA CLASSIFIED one of those books I would glance through in the store and pick up only when the book looked to be good, but one turned out to be a good looking and nicely written surprise of a horror issue. - Bug

DAREDEVIL #94 Marvel Comics

Honestly, other than the very cool and retro John Romita cover, I have to say this Milla-centric issue was a bit of a disappointment to me. Actually, I'll go as far to say as boring. See, I know why this issue exists: Matt Murdock's life has been in shambles for a while now, and while we focus on him personally throughout, we sometimes forget about the loved ones caught in the middle. So it makes since now that Milla and Matt are back together we take the time to see the kind of emotional rollercoaster her life has gone on parallel to Matt's. But, the thing is, this issue comes off almost as cliche in the world of comics. How many times have we seen Mary Jane waiting at home like the good wife for her hubby, but eventually getting fed up with the thought of Peter being dead in the streets to the point where it drives her to tears? Well, that's pretty much what this story comes down to. Milla loves Matt, Matt loves Milla though he probably still loves Karen Page more, and that plus seeing him in life threatening danger so often forces her to leave. But at the end of the day she loves him enough to come back to him and enjoy the time they have together. Sure, it's poignant and the art is great and it's all properly moody and emotional, but it's also a little derivative. I'm not gonna lose any sleep over it, cause it was only this one issue and served its purpose well, but eh, them's the breaks I guess. - Humphrey

MARVEL ADVENTURES: THE AVENGERS #10 Marvel Comics

If Marvel had a brain in its collective headpans they’d “Black Snake Moan” Jeff Parker to a radiator in the Marvel offices and never unchain him. After checking out AGENTS OF ATLAS and digging the hell out of it, I found myself listening to fellow @$$hole Dan Grendell and picking up Parker’s MARVEL ADVENTURES: THE AVENGERS and I have found that THIS is the Avengers comic I have been missing. Every issue is filled with fun without insulting my intelligence or disrespecting these classic characters. Plus every issue I’ve read so far has made me laugh out loud. This issue, for instance, has the Avengers crash a Ren Fair only to be met with jeers and complaints that they have mistaken the fair for a Hero Con. Funny stuff. Marvel, buy the chain and go to it. Don’t let Parker go anywhere. - Bug

DOCTOR STRANGE: THE OATH #5 Marvel Comics

So, okay, it got a little predictable at the end, but this was still a great mini-series. Not really gonna go into any detail as I don't want to spoil any surprises that may be left, but this is just a little push to buy the trade for those of you who didn't buy this in issues. This was a fun ride. Vaughan did what I thought was the impossible these days and pulled out a very enjoyable Doc Strange story that wasn't just a retelling of his origin for the ten dozenth time. He made him properly snotty, but pulled in some British dry wit that, okay, doesn't really make sense for the character but is really perfect for him. The co-stars in his servant Wong and the ever apparent these days Night Nurse were a great combo to push the book as well. And Marcos Martin's art was lights out good. Said it before, said it again, it's very Ditko-esque in the handling of the character of Dr. Strange, but with a very modern esthetic so it never feels like he's just aping that legendary creator. Fun, poignant, a joy to look at--definitely buy this trade when it's out. One of the best mini's of the past year, and that's saying a lot given the competition. - Humphrey

CORRECTION: The nominee for Biggest Indie Surprise, FALLING SKY, was linked incorrectly in last week’s here 3rd ANNUAL @$$IE AWARDS Column. Here’s the proper link to that excellent comic; a truly worthwhile read.

Check out the @$$oles’ ComicSpace AICN Comics page here for an archive and more @$$y goodness.

Readers Talkback
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  • March 8, 2007, 2:27 a.m. CST

    This Is Madness...!

    by buster00

    THIS...IS...SPARTA!!

  • March 8, 2007, 2:30 a.m. CST

    Cho

    by Thorstrongstone

    Frank Cho designed a monster for my father's horror movie. He was a really cool guy. I think that was....14 or 15 years ago.<br> And Bendis' is one of my favorite comic writers. I will really have to check this out. Damn, I stopped collecting comics!

  • March 8, 2007, 2:32 a.m. CST

    Never any love for "Tales of TMNT"

    by Shadowhawk

    My favorite comic for the last 2 years. Always delivers great stories, and I never see reviews on it.

  • March 8, 2007, 2:38 a.m. CST

    unt cunt tits cunt cunt deeper look into history cunt c

    by DOGSOUP

    FUCK MARVEL UP THIER STUPID ASSES FOREVER! I'm going to go to the street corner and buy some gutterpunk's sticky zine. That will be more enriching.

  • March 8, 2007, 5:13 a.m. CST

    Will somebody please...

    by mrfan

    flush the turd known as Marvel down the toilet? Then make sure you wash your hands. Thank you.

  • March 8, 2007, 5:45 a.m. CST

    RighteousBrother

    by Boondock Devil

    I bet it's not even 18 months. I have this weird feeling that in World War Hulk, all the heroes are getting their asses kicked when Iron Man realizes their only hope is for them to bring back Captain America to save the day.

  • March 8, 2007, 6:02 a.m. CST

    Jeff Parker is awesome!

    by Boondock Devil

    Couldn't agree more about how talented that guy is. Marvel should give Astonishing X-Men to him after Whedon's finished up so more people would read his stuff. That or somewhere down the line he could take over on Mighty or Young Avengers.

  • March 8, 2007, 6:55 a.m. CST

    Jeff Parker is this year's Little Miss Sunshine

    by Squashua

    Like tits on Optimus.

  • March 8, 2007, 7:09 a.m. CST

    I must thoroughly agree with Squasha.

    by Err

    Def. this year's Little Miss Sunshine.

  • March 8, 2007, 7:19 a.m. CST

    Squashua: Great review!

    by chrth

    But I don't think I'll be picking Sticky up ...

  • March 8, 2007, 7:26 a.m. CST

    Oh, and Vroom Socko: Thanks!

    by chrth

    I could not remember for the life of me what the theory of Uncanny Valley was called. Now I do. Grazie!

  • March 8, 2007, 7:49 a.m. CST

    Cover of Walking Dead #33

    by BangoSkank

    The cover of WD #35. Can anyone tell what is going on there? Is that a mouth? A gaping ribcage? None of it makes any sense to me. Even the reflection in the blood, I just don't see it. It gets this weeks Chris Bachalo What-the-fuck-is-that? Award.

  • March 8, 2007, 8:46 a.m. CST

    Are the Spirit Archives worth picking up?

    by teethgnasher

    I read the recent issues by Cooke. I have to say I really enjoy them. It's the only monthly book I pick up. Anything else can be read as a trade paperback. Should I read the Archives?

  • March 8, 2007, 8:47 a.m. CST

    Fan Mail!

    by Squashua

    From "R.D.T. Byrd"<br><br> I really can't believe in 2007, someone would write something as stupid as this: <br><br> "That's right up an alleyway you don't travel – riding the chocolate choo-choo express to poo-ville." <br><br> Congratulations -- you've reduced struggles over civil rights and human equality, issues that people have been beaten to death over, down to a stupid little joke about anal sex. I don't give a fuck if you're male, female, 6 or 60, you're a douchebag. <br><br> - - - - -<br><br> Again, you called it folks:<br> Squashua == Douchebag<br><br>

  • March 8, 2007, 8:48 a.m. CST

    Walking Dead

    by garcicr

    Has the sixth book came out yet you know the actuall novels that put together bout 4 comics

  • March 8, 2007, 9:07 a.m. CST

    thank you marvel

    by steverodgers

    For killing my favorite character. I’m done with you d-bags. Where have you gone Mark Grunewald? This office slob, turns his lonely eyes to you.

  • March 8, 2007, 9:12 a.m. CST

    Sticky: Before we continue...

    by Squashua

    The stories themselves were nice, and I even thought the Talk show one was quite classy, and the art successfully expressed that each partner pairing shared a definate attraction to each other beyond the physical, but let's get real here; the lovemaking scenes were pretty hardcore, though the characters did look like they were having fun.

  • March 8, 2007, 9:15 a.m. CST

    Dr. Strange the Oath, and my guess on Captain America

    by holidill

    I just read Dr. Strange the Oath #5 yesterday and was surprised how much I enjoyed the whole series. If Marvel ever wants to do a Dr. Strange Movie, they should do this one, adding a few things to it as well to make it longer, but it was a great story. I have not read Cap #25 yet, and I am sure my local comic shop will be out of it by the time I pick it up today, but from what I read I don't think he's dead. I think this was a LMD that SHIELD uses (Life Model Decoy) to give Cap a chance to go underground for a while. Or Cap is Ronin in new Avengers, though in reading the New Avengers where the new team is introduced, Ronin appears to be someone other than Cap, but you never know. Bucky will become Captain America.

  • March 8, 2007, 9:18 a.m. CST

    Great choice on your masthead for this week guys..

    by Thalya

    Though no Brave and the Bold #1 review? Not even a cheap shot? Did we talk that one to death already in the last TB?

  • March 8, 2007, 9:19 a.m. CST

    Caps death

    by garcicr

    I think his best death was in Universe X or wait was it Earth X

  • March 8, 2007, 9:35 a.m. CST

    Garcicr

    by Squashua

    I think it was Paradise X

  • March 8, 2007, 9:46 a.m. CST

    Marvel Sucks

    by Movietool

    There's not one "hero" left in a universe that used to be full of them. Now it's a universe of Superdicks, each one more determined than the last to be an anti-hero, all in the name of "realism." It's a shame Superman is a DC character, 'cause I'm sure Joey Q. must have LOVED Superman Returns, seeing as it showed Superman completely out of character in a contrived storyline with useless sub-plots all wrapped up in a vast void of anti-fun. Just like Marvel Comics nowadays.

  • March 8, 2007, 9:56 a.m. CST

    If we don't fight al Quesada the terrorists will win...

    by superhero

    You heard it here first...actually I got it of THE BEAT but it's still hysterical. Quesada is now known to me as al Quesada for killing off Captain America...excellent!

  • March 8, 2007, 10:02 a.m. CST

    superhero…

    by The Heathen

    I promise you, Vale came up with that one a few months ago. Still, it doesn't make it any less funny or true. Rock on.

  • March 8, 2007, 10:09 a.m. CST

    alQuesada, Squashua, and Bend-ass walk into a bar...

    by GreatA'Tuin

    ...and it blows up. The End. <p> That would be the best story Marvel's put out in the last five years at least.

  • March 8, 2007, 10:17 a.m. CST

    Jinxo, Baytor and Vroom

    by GreatA'Tuin

    Thank you guys for making me laugh before I posted. I was going to just do the troll thing and skip past the actual reviews just to post my shit, but something made me stop and read first. Oh yeah, it's the fact that I'm not a total Squashua. <p> Jinxo:"Panther is the king, and in the words of Monty Python you can tell the king because he’s the guy without shit all over him." Fucking brilliant. <p> Baytor:"The last thing we need is another character forever perverted by the selfish desires of so-called fans who want nothing but enjoyment from their comics." Good line. Fuck you with your shit, but that's a good line. ;P <p> Vroom:"Well, there's the bit at the end, where the only holdouts remaining are the New Avengers, where Luke Cage says "Looks like we're criminals." And Spidey responds, "Sure we're criminals. We've always been cri-" FUCK!" Get out of my HEAD!

  • March 8, 2007, 10:18 a.m. CST

    Unfortunately, steverodgers,

    by dan grendel

    Mark Gruenwald died of a heart attack on August 12, 1996. He'd be spinning in his grave, but he was cremated and his ashes were mixed in with the first printing of the Squadron Supreme trade.

  • March 8, 2007, 10:19 a.m. CST

    Transformers movie prequel

    by pelos_locos

    This was a wasted opportunity to review the "Official transformers movie prequel #1" where a lot of our fears are confirmed. Mecraptron looks like crap in cybertron (no arm gun), which was at peace under the "reign" of optimus prime and "Lord high protector megatron" (yes, megatron was a good guy). Everything was given life by one "allspark" until megatron decides to take it. The autobots fight to protect the allspark. During one battle scene, one autobot with round eyes and teddy bear face (bumblebee, I think, no name is given) confronts megatron trying to stop him to give the allspark a chance to be launched off the planet. This particular robot gets injured and everything is repaired except his "voice capacitor" but he learns to communicate in "other ways".<br> Anyways, a lot of the crappy things about the script circulating around the web seem to be confirmed here. I just thought I'd let you know since I was hoping to see a review of this issue here.

  • March 8, 2007, 10:21 a.m. CST

    Dear Marvel,

    by Reelheed

    Sooooo Ironman is now unbeatable (he has spidersense? what the fuck is up with that?(ish #14)), always right (erm.. are they still running the negative zone prison where they FORCE inmates into virtual reality A.S. #535), has limitless resources and his own army of heroes? Great. And Cap... is dead. The remaining mutants are all registered, the world is in a silent war and the universe is Anhillated. Nice. Clap. Clap. Clap. Yeeeah. I see what you're doing. "Things have to get worse before they get better." Thats classic. Classic narrative rule no.1 in fact and I can see you get the general idea. Heres the thing. In heroic stories things also get better! No fucking way! Yes way! Y'know rather than worse and worse and worse until the faithful readers are either wondering why they ever bothered or slitting their pastey wrists. See real-life is pretty shitty sometimes and now so are most of your comics. Cheer the fuck up tossbags.

  • March 8, 2007, 10:29 a.m. CST

    Breaking news in the world of the internet...

    by loodabagel

    I am back from the dead. (Once again) chillin at the beach, down at Club Med. Make another record cause the people they want more of this. Make another record cause they think I'm Adam Horovitz. Also, I like Bendis's Daredevil, BKV kicks babies, and Victor Mancha is the best Runaway, beacuse I said so. And Captain America is dead now? God. He was a too cool for modern day Marvel.

  • March 8, 2007, 10:43 a.m. CST

    Gruenwald...

    by steverodgers

    Gruenewald was the best. My hope is that him and Kirby are up in heaven, drinking beers, and churning out cap stories, completely ignorant of the Queseda/bendis/millar/loeb led crapfest that marvel comics have become. Give me some mad-bomb and bloodstone hunt – not this dark, mean, "post 9/11" garbage.

  • March 8, 2007, 10:50 a.m. CST

    Review of Kim Deitch Alias the Cat

    by trashotron

    http://tinyurl.com/2wn2n6 The short story: A fantastic forthcoming hardcover omnibus. Worth your valuable time an money -- scans at the URL. -- Rickk

  • March 8, 2007, 10:58 a.m. CST

    Cover of Walking Dead #35

    by BangoSkank

    Not 33. My bad. What's going on there. Someone must tell me. I liked Civil War, but I gave up on Marvel a long time ago. Now I eat the shit they feed me with a smile on my face.

  • March 8, 2007, 11:11 a.m. CST

    Agree with loodabagel

    by MCVamp

    Captain America is too cool for modern day Marvel.

  • March 8, 2007, 11:15 a.m. CST

    Vroom…

    by The Heathen

    you kick ass: <br> <br> "It's a world smack dab at the bottom of that valley, with NBC's “Heroes” up on top of one side and Kirkman's INVINCIBLE on the other. It's a world that is ugly and bitter; a world that has taken characters older than I am and turned them into something so far removed from their original intent that they've become something monstrous."

  • March 8, 2007, 11:15 a.m. CST

    Timely reviews! Anything interesting happen yesterday?

    by willydevon

    Guys, seriously; Civil War #7, arguable the most important book of the last 6 months, came out two weeks ago. Captain America was fucking KILLED in a book that came out YESTERDAY. Every time Joss Whedon has a nocturnal emission, Herc has a coax post up with reaction. You guys can't get reviews up faster than this? All this said, I'm a little disappointed that Cap wasn't raped and burned to a cinder, in addition to being shot. After CW 7's complete destruction of the character, what else was really left? Maybe Norman Osbourne could fuck the corpse a little?

  • March 8, 2007, 11:21 a.m. CST

    "Unnamed Talkbacker"??

    by Psynapse

    My nick is Psynapse, YO. (*_^) (The funny part is I'd be more likely to wank to thoughts of Squashua if he looked like say, Rupert Everett rather than Dan Haggerty)

  • March 8, 2007, 11:27 a.m. CST

    That's cool that Vale came up with al Quesada...

    by superhero

    I just saw it first at THE BEAT...either way...we should call him al Quesada from now on. Oh, and I thinking of taking back Brubaker for my favorite writer of 2006.

  • March 8, 2007, 11:36 a.m. CST

    Original draft read "Psynapse" and "Psy" as a nick

    by Squashua

    But I figured I'd give you some anonymity. Of course I know of the only talkbacker to be Squashua's personal talkwacker. <br><br> I've been told (by a nice Hungarian lady) I look like a young Peter Ustinov.<br><br> I do love me some Logan's Run.<br><br>

  • March 8, 2007, 11:38 a.m. CST

    No, wait superhero

    by GreatA'Tuin

    This isn't Bru's fault. I think having Cap shot was a mercy killing on his part.

  • March 8, 2007, 11:40 a.m. CST

    Come now, Squashie

    by GreatA'Tuin

    I hate you too. I've said as much. Don't give Psy ALL the credit.

  • March 8, 2007, 11:45 a.m. CST

    Dear R.D.T. Byrd......

    by Psynapse

    Either fuck off to whatever hole you crawled out of of grow a goddamn sense of humor. It's a JOKE fuckface, get over yourself. PS-I am a 100% polesmoking, hershey highway, pillow biter myself (you see? a sense of humor jackass) so don't even start with me you fag.

  • March 8, 2007, 11:51 a.m. CST

    Psy...

    by GreatA'Tuin

    Does that make you the resident Cog "bear"? Or are you more of a "twink"?

  • March 8, 2007, 11:58 a.m. CST

    Neither Lord Turtle......

    by Psynapse

    I'm that undefined minority among gays: Not totally masculine, not totally feminine, too old to be a twink, too skinny and hairless to be bear. And as you can see I have a bit of objective perspectivve on the whole 'being gay' issue. Yeah fuck you again R.D.T. Byrd, faggots like you make me sick. (yeah that's right, Mr. Garrison WAS right. I can say FAG all I want, Fag!)

  • March 8, 2007, 12:13 p.m. CST

    Yeah, I didn't think you were stereotypical.

    by GreatA'Tuin

    I was just wondering.

  • March 8, 2007, 12:14 p.m. CST

    El DID Create Al Quesada! And I...

    by Buzz Maverik

    ...told the first "Johnny Fuckerfaster" joke so I want credit for that. Remember, the next time any of you say,"Johnny Fuckerfaster!"<p>"I am, Mom! I am!"<p>Buzz Maverik gets a quarter. That's how I can afford to do this all day.

  • March 8, 2007, 12:16 p.m. CST

    superhero

    by The Heathen

    Oh, most definitely he will forever be known as al Quesada. I'm not sure it's all Bru's fault though. Even if he said he was planning it all along, it just doesn't seem to fit right. I mean, if I can't trust Bru then I might as well just not read any Marvel books, excluding Whedon and PAD and what's left of McKeever that is. <br> <br> Bug, I'm dying to know if nofate read your Mighty Avengers review. ; )

  • March 8, 2007, 12:44 p.m. CST

    It's interesting that…

    by The Heathen

    Captain America is going to continue to be published.

  • March 8, 2007, 12:47 p.m. CST

    willydevon: welcome to AICN

    by chrth

    The reviews are never for a comic book that came out the previous day. The two-week hiatus was due to the @$$ies given out last week. This may surprise you, but these are people with lives reviewing the comics, and they also prefer to put effort into their reviews rather than churn something out and post it the same day (as the reviews typically come out on Wednesday).<p> Plus I'm sure the aforementioned event will be the subject of a round table. (No pressure guys ;) )

  • March 8, 2007, 12:47 p.m. CST

    So...Captain America is a 'legacy' now?

    by Psynapse

    Hmm...now where have I heard that idea before?

  • March 8, 2007, 1:03 p.m. CST

    ...the hell?

    by TheRevengeOfBayouWilly

    I can't believe I missed this! See, this is why Harry should always put this on the front page. Nothing against AICN, but sometimes I wish this had its own site, so that it could be given its proper due. Bah! Now off to actually read the damn column.

  • March 8, 2007, 1:04 p.m. CST

    yep

    by Shigeru

    bucky = cap now. at least for a while.

  • March 8, 2007, 1:08 p.m. CST

    no roundtable please

    by Shigeru

    I'm already so sick of all this crap that I want to upchuck, who wants to be the next pussycat doll-style.

  • March 8, 2007, 1:09 p.m. CST

    I heard Punisher picked up his mask.

    by TheRevengeOfBayouWilly

    I wonder where they're going with that.

  • March 8, 2007, 1:13 p.m. CST

    When is Squashua going to review Housewives At Play?

    by TheRevengeOfBayouWilly

    I'm dying to know his thoughts. Seriously, you guys should review one wank mag a week here. Was there ever a Lost Girls review, or did I miss that? I wouldn't blame the guys if there wasn't, as $75 is a lot to pay for crayola colored effing.

  • March 8, 2007, 1:14 p.m. CST

    Shig…

    by The Heathen

    I shamefully know EXACTLY what you mean. Those chicks were in a competition all right… to see who could projectile vomit the furthest. Good grief. Ermm… I think Punisher if anything will end up giving the mask to Winter Soldier cause it would be stupid if Punisher tried being Cap and Marvel would never do anything stupid or out of character.

  • March 8, 2007, 1:15 p.m. CST

    Don't get me wrong

    by GreatA'Tuin

    I know the history. If anyone could carry the sheild (besides Cable I guess...WTF?) it would be Bucky. However, has anyone stopped to think about the fact that if this shit does go down, we'll have Captain America, bastion of the free-thinking Western World, as brought to you by the KGB. I love how we get to pretend that the Cold War never happened and all, but....shit.

  • March 8, 2007, 1:16 p.m. CST

    Quoted for Truth

    by SamBluestone

    "You guys know the theory of the Uncanny Valley? How an artificial representation of a person becomes more relatable the more human it looks, until it hits a point that's so close, the only thing that stands out are the differences and it becomes something repulsive and uncomfortable to look at? That's what Marvel has become. It's a world smack dab at the bottom of that valley, with NBC's “Heroes” up on top of one side and Kirkman's INVINCIBLE on the other. It's a world that is ugly and bitter; a world that has taken characters older than I am and turned them into something so far removed from their original intent that they've become something monstrous." Word, Vroom. Word word a million times, WORD.

  • March 8, 2007, 1:23 p.m. CST

    Pussycat Dolls

    by Shigeru

    Unfortunately I watched a lot of TV last night... yeah I watched Growing Pains (I MEAN COME ON), and then American Idol, fuck you! And while we were waiting for Lost to come on, Mrs. Shigeru and I stumbled upon... like 8 hookers (I think they were hookers), forcefully throwing up copious amounts of brown liquid-chunks into bushes. I'm not sure if the competition was who could wear the least amount of clothes and puke the most amount of shit, but it was funny. Like, the missus couldn't stop cackling, funny.

  • March 8, 2007, 1:26 p.m. CST

    Math term for Thalya that I was trying to remember:

    by Shigeru

    INVERSELY PROPORTIONAL.

  • March 8, 2007, 1:27 p.m. CST

    So... wait a sec Psy...

    by Squashua

    ...you weren't fapping when I was a chick, so you might be now? o_O

  • March 8, 2007, 1:29 p.m. CST

    3 in a row (Walking Dead #35 Cover)

    by Shigeru

    It's a rotting mouth. With falling out teeth. You can practically feel the STENCH. Good shit. <br> I just read the letters column for that issue, and a dude in there says that its a sad fact that "a great deal of white readers will masturbate to that scene", meaning the Michonne beating/rape. <br>W<br>T<br>F

  • March 8, 2007, 1:48 p.m. CST

    Wait

    by Squashua

    You didn't?<br><br>jk; ppl r weird.

  • March 8, 2007, 1:52 p.m. CST

    Wow

    by El Vale

    That is fucked up, Shig. Imagine going through life thinking that's what's in the wite man's head.

  • March 8, 2007, 1:53 p.m. CST

    Anyway LOL

    by El Vale

    "It’s just like the classic Larry Hama silent issue of GI JOE, only with more anal sex" <br><br> Good stuff Squash!

  • March 8, 2007, 1:58 p.m. CST

    You know what grinds my gears?

    by TheRevengeOfBayouWilly

    When Joe Q tells journalists that once, death meant nothing in comics, and now it does, knowing full well that they brought back Magneto, Hawkeye, and others, I'm sure, under the thinnest and lamest of circumstances. Gah!

  • March 8, 2007, 2:04 p.m. CST

    Moriarty reviewed "Lost Girls" on his own.

    by rev_skarekroe

    I don't know that it ever got an @$$hole review.

  • March 8, 2007, 2:11 p.m. CST

    No, not now Squash....

    by Psynapse

    I like men like me, geeky and kinda skinny, but hot. (But I have this weird mental thing that unless I know a guy is actually gay they are as sexually attractive to me as a woman I.E-not at all)

  • March 8, 2007, 2:29 p.m. CST

    That's not that weird, Psynapse.

    by TheRevengeOfBayouWilly

    It's all about realistic hopes and availability. It's why I don't understand how people go nuts over celebrities. You're never going to meet them, and there are people just as attractive, albeit not famous, in your everyday life. Although, to be fair, I have this weird America Ferrera fetish. I'd like to take her curvy latina ass behind a middle school and get her pregnant.

  • March 8, 2007, 2:48 p.m. CST

    Waitaminute, I'm NOT alone in thinking that?

    by Psynapse

    Huh. Yeah, I never could get into the whole 'celebrity worship' thing for those very reasons BayouWilly. That said, I had a MASSIVE crush on Andy Hallett of Angel fame for about 3 days after spending 20 minutes chatting him up at MegaCon a few years back ('Cuz if he ain't gay then I must not be either, y'dig?)

  • March 8, 2007, 2:51 p.m. CST

    Get to work folks! Damn, we're only number 6!

    by Psynapse

    Get to posting fuckers!

  • March 8, 2007, 2:57 p.m. CST

    Actually

    by El Vale

    Saying death in comics means something now isn't the same as saying dead means dead. Still, this kind of publicity stunt only makes things worse in the end. You kill Captain America, everyone notices and they...emote or something, i don't know...and then when you bring him back it's like bleh, why did i even care in the first place?

  • March 8, 2007, 3:06 p.m. CST

    Killing a character, establishing a legacy, and then...

    by Psynapse

    returning the original character back to life once the hype dies down. WHERE have I heard that before????

  • March 8, 2007, 3:10 p.m. CST

    I don't know what to want more...

    by TheRevengeOfBayouWilly

    for Marvel to keep Steve Rogers dead and prove all of us wrong, or for them to bring him back as he's Steve Fucking Rogers. And does anyone else feel the way about TV's Ugly Betty? I mean, no offense comics, but that's what I'm worried about the most.

  • March 8, 2007, 3:11 p.m. CST

    celebrity crushes

    by Shigeru

    FEH! Difference is, Natalie Portman actually IS my girlfriend-on-the-side. True story.

  • March 8, 2007, 3:15 p.m. CST

    SO, umm Captain America

    by Squashua

    He didn't actually DIE in the issue; no one says anything definate. And it's to be continued. I'm sure we'll have 1 month of Marvel milking the cash cow before Captain America #26 arrives.

  • March 8, 2007, 3:17 p.m. CST

    EV

    by Squashua

    Thanks, Vale. I wasn't sure if I was going to refer to it as having more or LESS anal sex. Decided to be kind to YO JOE!

  • March 8, 2007, 3:35 p.m. CST

    Anal sex RULES!

    by Psynapse

    You KNOW alla you breeder dudes get all worked up when she says it's okay to use the back door!

  • March 8, 2007, 3:37 p.m. CST

    Jeph Loeb on his Fallen Son One-Shots…

    by The Heathen

    "Just that I know - being a fellow comic book fan myself - I'm sure this story is very shocking and upsetting. My intention is to try and wrestle those feelings to the ground. It's not easy what Marveldom is going through and it won't be for fandom either. If Fallen Son helps speak to those reactions, then that's half the battle. And if Cap has taught us anything, it's to fight on." <br> <br> I thought Cap did the EXACT OPPOSITE in CW? F'n Millar. These five one-shots come out in April and May. Cap #26 also deals with his death by beginning the autopsy on his body ** http://tinyurl.com/2yw9by ** Either way the inevitable 'return' of Steve Rogers is a bad situation for fans and for Marvel in the long run. But hey, who am I to remind them how to run a company that they nearly bankrupted doing the same sort of shitty stories and variant covers?

  • March 8, 2007, 3:38 p.m. CST

    heh, "breeder dudes"

    by The Heathen

    ; )

  • March 8, 2007, 3:51 p.m. CST

    Cap dead?

    by Jinxo

    Cap's dead. Well... unless the new Initiative comic is true. Can't believe with all the talk nobody has brought up this comic in which Ms. Marvel out and out tells Spider-Woman, "Cap's not dead! They faked his death." Kinda weird for them to put that out at the exact same time they killed him. Give me a week to really buy into his death at least. Plus I ended up reading the "He's not dead" before I had a chance to read the issue where he's killed. Sat there going, "What the hell are they talking about?" Of course Ms. Marvel could be lying but the entire scene is her being honest with Spider-Woman to the point of violating Iron Man's rules in an attempt to get her to register. So it would be odd she'd lie on that one thing.

  • March 8, 2007, 4:05 p.m. CST

    Even IF he really is dead it's still utterly pointless.

    by Psynapse

    Look at how shitty (and shoddily) they treated their 2nd biggest character death ever with 'The Return' (though you may want to argue this I still feel the biggest 'death' Marvel ever did was Jean Grey's suicide in X-Men #137-that shit made me cry when I was 11!).

  • March 8, 2007, 4:12 p.m. CST

    And while we're on the subject of Anal Sex....

    by Psynapse

    Thought for the day: Friends are like asscheeks. Shit may separate them but they always come back together.

  • March 8, 2007, 4:16 p.m. CST

    Yeah, Cap's about as dead as…

    by The Heathen

    Jean Grey was, er, or is? How many times did Jean die and get brought back? I just don't want that to happen to Steve Rogers. I don't want him sullied any more than he already has been thanks to the American hating Millar and the gleaming eyed sales-crazy al Quesada. Ughhh, if and when they bring Steve back I hope it's worth it completely unlike The Return was. If Bru can bring back Bucky the way he did and have him not only not suck, but kick ass then I'll at least wait and see how he does things down the line if he's still on the book. Still, bad news. Waaay more bad than good at the House of M. Ughh… HoM.

  • March 8, 2007, 4:20 p.m. CST

    Ha! Take that South Park TB!

    by Psynapse

    Kicked your sorry ass...

  • March 8, 2007, 4:24 p.m. CST

    You know what sucks about CM getting brought back?

    by TheRevengeOfBayouWilly

    Side note-you can put Mar-Vell up with Hawkeye and Magneto. What sucks is, cancer is a real disease. It's one of the most common ways to die, and it can hit any body at any time for any reason. It's one of the things even I don't joke with, and I joke with anything. Maybe some comic fan lost a relative or friend to cancer, or maybe they were afflicted with it themselves. Maybe they found solace with the story of one of the universe's champions being brought low by it, with even his powers and friends doing nothing to stave off the inevitable. Well... fuck you, comic fan! Signed, Marvel Corp.

  • March 8, 2007, 4:28 p.m. CST

    You know what?

    by El Vale

    I call bullshit on all of this! Guy's not dead...that statement by Marvel reads more like an "OH SHIT! I can't believe we printed that...someone make it go away!" than something someone not desperate would say. "So Cap's dead...no i mean it, the guy's completely dead i mean...i've never seen a deader person. In the history of death and people who die, Cap is the deadest of them all. And not dead like Jesus either, but really dead. Don't believe me? Have an autopsy" <br><br> Well they had an alien autopsy a few years ago.

  • March 8, 2007, 5:03 p.m. CST

    ZombieSolutions

    by The Heathen

    That cracked me up! "Quite simply brilliant" Hahaha!!! Thanks, I needed that.

  • March 8, 2007, 5:05 p.m. CST

    Plus…

    by The Heathen

    MARVEL Pwns (Whilst DC Drones) <br> <br> Awesome. That may be the best subject line EVER. I mean, it rhymes and you said, 'pwns'. Hahaha!!!

  • March 8, 2007, 5:09 p.m. CST

    I hope you die....

    by GreatA'Tuin

    DIE MONSTER DIE! <p> The undead should not talk.

  • March 8, 2007, 5:16 p.m. CST

    Good to have you

    by El Vale

    Mr QuesadaSolutions.

  • March 8, 2007, 5:39 p.m. CST

    The Red Skull's Body Is A Clone of Cap's...

    by Buzz Maverik

    ...which is a good argument against continuity, but it's something to think about. Everybody hated the SPIDER CLONE RETURNS saga, right? I didn't read it myself, having read the first Spider Clone stories in the early days of my comic book addiction. But the Clone Saga is universally loathed. Watch the whole damned Marvel Universe become a clone saga. Like I told Quesdilla (I can't use Al Quesada because I'd owe El money and I can't figure out the damned dollar to dinero exchange rate), Millar, Bendis and Alonzo Axl: it's no achievement to piss off the guys who call you on your bullshit; the achievement is winning us over.

  • March 8, 2007, 5:56 p.m. CST

    I know who's replacing Steve Rogers

    by chrth

    Charlie America of the New Paramounts.

  • March 8, 2007, 6 p.m. CST

    CW IS Socially Relevant...

    by Buzz Maverik

    I think it's about time somebody said something about all these damned superheroes. Just step outside your door and you almost get your face burnt off by a heat ray. Mutter so much as an "Oh, nice" about it and you get buried up to your eyeballs in adamantium. I think it's courageous of the Marvel Comics group to tackle this issue in this day and age. Why, just last month, I was using some of my frequent flyer miles when the plane was blown off course by one of those bastards flying by in pursuit of some idiot in something called an Atomo-Car. I mean, I'm crossing the parking lot at the mall at a half-ton green bastard drops out of the sky and lands inches from me. I was such a nervous wreck I had to eat a Cinn-o-bun and I haven't eaten sweets in two years. Comic books are no longer for kids. They deal with the hard issues. On one hand, billionaires should be free to dress up like rodents or golems or whatever and drive around in unlicensed jetmobiles or soar through the sky via their booster shorts. On the other, regular joes like me should be able to walk their dog at night without getting out butts sniffed by Krypto, Hulkdog and Lockjaw. Thank you, Marvel Comics for so eloquently stating our plight. I applaud you! I appauld you!

  • March 8, 2007, 6:08 p.m. CST

    Steve Rogers Replace By His Daughter...

    by Buzz Maverik

    ...whom no one knew he had. Every superhero has a daughter that neither he nor his fans knew that he had. These mystery daughters will one day replace their fathers. I'm personally waiting for the new female Iron Man.<p>"How come none of us have sons?"<p>"Claremont."<p>"Nuff said."<p>Look for Stephanie Rogers as Captain America. In the opening issue she'll face the menace of the Strawberry Blonde Skull and her henchperon Jumped Bones. The issue ends with the appearance of the latest, greatest, girliest incarnation of that metallic monster the Sleeparounder. Also, just wait until Stephanie teams up with Sam Wilson's daughter and replacement, Sammi Wilson, aka Li'l Falcon.

  • March 8, 2007, 6:13 p.m. CST

    The Patriot Act is NOT the same as the Registration Act

    by chrth

    I did NOT have to register as a superhero as a result of the Patriot Act.<p> In all seriousness, though, they're not. The Registration Act is active: you must reveal yourself and then we'll keep tabs on you. The Patriot Act is passive: we'll keep tabs on you and if needed we'll reveal you.

  • March 8, 2007, 6:16 p.m. CST

    But What About The Superheroes?

    by Buzz Maverik

    Hypno-gassings! Gamma fallout! Only yesterday my cousin Rico Maverik was beaned by a coupling cylinder from a killer robot that had been smashed by one of those superjerks Thunder Baton over seventy miles away.

  • March 8, 2007, 6:17 p.m. CST

    Buzz: I feel your pain

    by chrth

    It's why I moved out of the City. That and because Brachiating Man kept looking in my window while I was undressing.

  • March 8, 2007, 6:20 p.m. CST

    Thanks, chrth. Makes Ya Long For A World...

    by Buzz Maverik

    ...full of talking ducks without pants.

  • March 8, 2007, 6:20 p.m. CST

    Has there ever been a superhero who kept his identity

    by chrth

    secret as a diversion? You know, they had no relatives or people they were close to so they weren't vulnerable. But they still did the secret identity thing in the hopes that a villain or two would waste their time trying to find a weakness? I'd do that.

  • March 8, 2007, 6:22 p.m. CST

    Ducks?!? Oh no!

    by chrth

    They laugh at your hairstyle and sleep with your wife!

  • March 8, 2007, 6:28 p.m. CST

    I Get It. Registration Act=Pants On Ducks Act.

    by Buzz Maverik

    Liberal hogwash, if you ask me! Those damned ducks can wear pants just like the rest of us do most of the time (and I can explain that time on the roof of the campus security office...)

  • March 8, 2007, 6:33 p.m. CST

    "a frightening number of people are practically begging

    by chrth

    to have their civil liberties taken away based on the thinest of pretenses"<p> Are these people in Fantasyland, because I haven't seen any massive pro-Patriot Act rallies.

  • March 8, 2007, 6:37 p.m. CST

    If Superheroes Don't Exist...

    by Buzz Maverik

    ...who put all the president's head back on Mt. Rushmore the time they were highjacked by Montaglia? When Whacked Clown was mowing down rush hour traffic in his impenetrable Street Sweeper O' Death, who was it that kept pelting it with Energy Orbs until it melted? Yeah, they don't exist...like the Radium Horde didn't invade the surface world in '86 only to be stopped by the crew of that space shuttle that went missing after a "mishap" with a comet a few years earlier...

  • March 8, 2007, 6:39 p.m. CST

    You know, the Presidents' heads are a natural formation

    by chrth

    Abe Lincoln told me.

  • March 8, 2007, 6:44 p.m. CST

    We get letters, we get lettters...

    by Squashua

    Geoff J. writes:<br><br> [Dear Squashua,]<br><br>Maybe it's because I've fallen out of step with Powers (I think I read the last TPB, and that was... a while ago), but I have no idea what your review is supposed to mean. Would you mind clarifying? <br><br> - - - - <br><br> Thanks for writing, Geoff<br><br> I certainly can clarify for you.<br><br> In this issue of Powers, Mr. Bendis overuses a particular word as spoken the major source of prime evil in an otherwise excellent storyline; in fact, so excellent as to, in my opinion, rival the issue he wrote featured masturbating primates. <br><br> I hope that clears everything up. <br><br> Sincerely,<br><br> Squashua

  • March 8, 2007, 6:48 p.m. CST

    Masturbating primates?!?

    by chrth

    Oh, you mean monkeys. Never mind.

  • March 8, 2007, 6:50 p.m. CST

    Thalya re: BRAVE AND BOLD

    by Prof Challenger

    I was all prepared to sit down and give a deep open-mouth kiss to B&B #1 and just literally ran out of time this past week.<p>I apologize. Consider me spanked. It was worth it. I may still do a "Better Late Than Never" review anyway. :)

  • March 8, 2007, 7:06 p.m. CST

    ZombieSolutions…

    by The Heathen

    in all of your brilliance you may have done some actual research before typing things like this, "MARVEL has been leading the pack for ages whereas DC barely registers a blip on the radar" - why don't you check out the following link whilst thinking about not typing moronic stuff like describing Civil War as "zeitgeist-tastic wonderment" huh? <br> <br> 2006 Year End Sales: <br>http://tinyurl.com/2fk6dx <br> <br> January 07 Sales: <br>http://tinyurl.com/2p7967 <br> <br> That's the year end sales charts of 2006. As anyone can clearly see, DC registers far more than a blip. Also, nobody was really defending DC (wait for T to get here), but you're right - we don't like challenging stories… well, at least the kind that are challenging in the sense that a story asks us to believe that Tony Stark, Reed Richards, Peter Parker, Steve Rogers, etc. would act completely our of character to fit said story instead of the story fitting the character. Yeah, I don't want that type of 'challenging' story. You can keep that shit whilst getting 'pwned' by the voice of reason.

  • March 8, 2007, 7:12 p.m. CST

    It's no use arguing with ZS

    by chrth

    Anyone who hasn't made the effort to update his Kos-approved Rhetoric after last November is not going to respond to reason. He's probably still waiting for Bush to re-enact the draft.

  • March 8, 2007, 7:12 p.m. CST

    that was meant as 'out' of character, not 'our'

    by The Heathen

    edit feature, blah, blah…

  • March 8, 2007, 7:14 p.m. CST

    Too true, chrth…

    by The Heathen

    I saw Peter's hair cut. Crazy.

  • March 8, 2007, 7:16 p.m. CST

    That *was* a great touch. What a great show

    by chrth

    I lurve it so much I think I'm anticipating the DVD release more than the next episode.<p> Who knew that in Mohinder's next life he would be a ceiling fan?

  • March 8, 2007, 7:19 p.m. CST

    Civil War Pro's And Con's

    by Jinxo

    I'll actually agree with many of the words being used to describe Civil War: challenging, thoughtful, socially relevant, politically astute... etc... But a story can still be all of that and also be no fun, a bummer, depressing... And no matter how deeply meaningful and complex a book is, if after reading it you think, "I feel disgusted and like I never want to read a comic book again," then it's a failure. I don't read comics for social metaphors and commentary on society. Don't get me wrong, if that stuff is in there and well done that's great. But the primary reason I plunked down my money every week is for fun entertainment. If you can entertain me and enlighten me, that's awesome. But don't get so caught up in the socio-political "real world" metaphors that entertainment and fun take a back seat to it.

  • March 8, 2007, 7:21 p.m. CST

    I don't care if a story is socially relevant...

    by TheRevengeOfBayouWilly

    I care if it's (what's the word?)...oh yeah, good. The thing is, it's not really "zeitgeisty". The Patriot Act and war on terror has been going on for 5+ years. If anything, it's behind the times. Why don't you read Watchmen if you have suck a woody for politically-themed, realistic comics. I actually really like The Ultimates. It made more sense, was done with new characters, therefore, nothing could be "out of character", and it launched around 9/11, making it more zeitgeisty-since you're all hard over zeitgeists.

  • March 8, 2007, 7:32 p.m. CST

    I may disagree a little more, Jinxo…

    by The Heathen

    but you have valid points. I think it also depends on what a book starts out as and what its intentions are and should be. The Avengers should be a group of superheroes fighting villains and alien invasions. That's not saying it can't be somewhat relevant of the times, but not nearly as much as CW was. I friggin hate the way our country is being run currently and the last thing I want is a guy who sticks to walls and has a spider-sense telling me that our country is in the shitter. Books like The Walking Dead though start out with the social relevance and the allegory of man being more dangerous than Zombies etc. and they stick with it and it works for certain books like that. <br> <br> Btw, Jinxo. Welcome! Good to have a new @$$hole.

  • March 8, 2007, 8:03 p.m. CST

    Cap surrender in CW#7 worked, kiling him off didn't

    by TallBoy66

    It was unconventional and interesting, and, most importantly, I can buy that he'd do it because of all the poor, poor people who were being hurt. I think the *real* cheat was killing Cap off 2 freakin weeks later, when we all expected CW to end that way, but it didn't do it that way, whichi s why it worked. Damn Brubaker, loved his Cap run so far, but killing off Steve Rodgers just seems weak. But we are talking about the guy who "killed" Foggy Nelson and Red Skull, and they were back in, what, 6 issues?

  • March 8, 2007, 8:09 p.m. CST

    The thing that bugs me about the Registration Act

    by chrth

    Is that it's the Spirit of '75 all over again. The Keane Act obviously didn't work, why would we expect the Registration Act to work?

  • March 8, 2007, 8:24 p.m. CST

    Prof, were you just down at a watering hole?

    by Thalya

    *lets steam escape her collar* Damn, everyone's getting loosened up around here.. *offers* Banana cream pie?

  • March 8, 2007, 9:20 p.m. CST

    Al Quesada's inverted penis...

    by loodabagel

    <p>Thayla, I would like a pie. May I have a pie please?<p> <p>Well, sorry Captain America, but there's not much I can do for you. That Iron Man guy is acting like a bigger douche every day of the week, and goddamnit, I'm getting used to it. This guy's fueling his suit from baby blood now and I hear he's got plans to form some allegiances with Darksied and Darth Vader, regarding control of the universe. Shit. Cap, you got out while the getting was good.</p> <p>Iron Man is Hal Jordan</p> <p>Fuck that government bullshit. Let's talk about Runaways. The Runaways are basically kings of the Marvel Universe and I think they should let Spiderman, Daredevil, She Hulk and maybe Moon Knight or Iron Fist join their team. They deserve it. Also, I'd like it if everyone had a cute anime hat.

  • March 8, 2007, 9:21 p.m. CST

    My "shop"

    by loodabagel

    Stopped getting 52. Now if that isn't just the biggest fuck you to the fans, I don't know what is.

  • March 8, 2007, 9:59 p.m. CST

    Looda...

    by Thalya

    You sure you want a pie?

  • March 8, 2007, 10:11 p.m. CST

    Looda

    by El Vale

    I can't believe 52 has fans.

  • March 8, 2007, 11:37 p.m. CST

    Socially relevant, challenging, thought provoking

    by Movietool

    And absolutely 100% devoid of fun. Not one moment of joy - just page after page of socially relevant melodrama. Nothing inherently wrong with that, of course, except for the fact that nobody's reading anymore. Today's best-selling books would have been considered utter failures in terms of sales in the eighties. But, by all means, keep grinding away at deconstructionist stories, Marvel and DC, you'll succeed in having zero customers in no time.

  • March 9, 2007, 12:33 a.m. CST

    MarvelZombieSolutions

    by vroom socko

    I hate to reiterate my own review, but I guess I'd better. <p> You know all the elements from Civil War that you're talking about? The social relevance, the culteral zeitgeist whatever-the-fuck, all the stuff you loved about the book? It's been done. <p> Better. <p> Twenty years ago. <p> In three books called Squadron Supreme, The Dark Knight Returns, and Watchmen. <p> Oh, and two of those three were published by DC. Not that it matters; most of the more culturally relivant comics I've read were published by people other than Marvel and/or DC. <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> (Zeitgeist? Stop trying to impress a bunch of comics readers by acting smart and superior. It won't work.)

  • March 9, 2007, 12:53 a.m. CST

    ...cause we're already smart and superior

    by El Vale

    You heard it here first folks!

  • March 9, 2007, 1:33 a.m. CST

    Exactly

    by vroom socko

    Listen to El Vale. He is a source of wisdom. <p> (Of course, his source of wisdom is the severed head of Vasco Núñez de Balboa, which he keeps in a Tupperware bowl under his bed so it can whisper to him the secrets of the universe while he sleeps.)

  • March 9, 2007, 2:06 a.m. CST

    Civil War is socially relevant? Wha-huh?

    by superhero

    It's socially relevant because the Registration Act is barely disguising itself as a piss poor version of The Patriot Act? How the fuck is that socially relevant? Marvel creates an event that so obviously mirrors what the supposed current zeitgeist is and that's socially relevant? Um, no. That's called writing some crappy assed super hero fictional story instead of tackling the real issues in today's society. Socially relevant would have been Captain America ACTUALLY fighting against the Patriot Act. Socially relevant would have been speaking out about the actual issues in today's society. But, see, corporate mainstream characters can't actually do that, can they? Dark Knight Returns was socially relevant...it actually changed the way comics were made. Civil War is just using current events to try and be meaningful. Which it's not. It's hucksterism pretending to be more important than it could ever hope to be. Please Civil War is just as subtle and just as "socially relevant" as Rosanne Barr singing the National Anthem.

  • March 9, 2007, 2:08 a.m. CST

    Sorry Vroom...hadn't read your post...

    by superhero

    Right on my brother...right on...

  • March 9, 2007, 3:46 a.m. CST

    FUN FACT: adding spaces to your talkback response -

    by TallBoy66

    -makes it much better and, thereby, much more important than the lowly, common folk responses that we all post in here. Yes, Because, you know, since a "socialy relevant" (whatever the fuck that means) comic was done IN THE NINETEEN-FUCKING-EIGHTIES (only 20 years ago! How relevant) with Watchmen and Dark Knight then, obviously, absolutely ANYTHING and EVERYTHING published today that has any sort of hint of a political alegory has ABSOLUTELY NO MERIT because a bunch of pissed off British Guys and Frank Miller did it in the 80s. And, therefore, absolutely everything and anything done right now isn't worth reading. At all. Because it "sucks". Yeah. Sure. I believe you. And if this post had alot ... of ... spaces ... then it'd be ... super ... deep ... man ... Yeah. Fucking bullshit.

  • March 9, 2007, 3:51 a.m. CST

    because, whenever someone did it before, it was better

    by TallBoy66

    God knows nobody can throw out a political alegory in 2006/07 because Frank Miller and Alan Moore did it 20 years ago. Heavens, no. Because they were there first, they were totally right on the money. Nobody else can do it differently. Sure. Right. That argument makes alot of sense to me. Yep.

  • March 9, 2007, 3:59 a.m. CST

    I'm not saying you can't do political allegory.

    by vroom socko

    I'm saying the bar is set pretty damn high in this medium and this genre, and if you're going to do it you should do it well. Civil War didn't do it well. Not by a long shot. You got any examples that refute that? In fact, do you got anything constructive to say TallBoy, or do you just like to insult anyone who has an opinion you don't like. What am I saying, it's the TB, that's all anyone does here. <p> Oh, and you must be the first person to ever complain about paragraph breaks in Talkback. That's hilarious, really. Everyone else has been complaining about NOT having them for the past ten years. Man, what a cutup.

  • March 9, 2007, 6:41 a.m. CST

    So, Civil War didn't have any allegories at all, eh?

    by TallBoy66

    Okay, so, lets remove all the smarmy "yeah, CW relates to me because I see Iron Man flying outside my window every day. BOYA!!! SEE HOW IRONIC I'M BEEEEING!!" bullshit responses and lets get down to the nitty gritty. The argument presented in AICN reviews can be summed up thusly: "Civil War is bullshit because Alan Moore and Frank Millar did it first in the 80s." Okay, here's a newsflash for everybody: Things Happen Again. Sometimes, people do political parallels in mainstream comics that reflect certain times. Think about that for a second-- if the mainstream movies or TV in the 2000's did the level of allegory that CW is doing, they'd be yanked immediately. Comics are a much more immediate medium (despite all the delays that Hitch and Cassady and so forth are causing) and smaller audience. This lets comics be more "edgy" than the mainstream can. So you can get away with more stuff in an event like this than you can in the mainstream. Lets face it: "Civil War" is the "summer blockbuster" of the comic book world. It’s the fucking "Transformers" or the fucking "Shrek 3" of the printed monthlies. Could you get away with the level of crazy shit that CW did in the mainstream media landscape that we have now? No way. You'd be run out of town on a rail. The 80s Milestones like Dark Knight reflect its respective times as CW reflects its respective times. There are subtleties in Civil War that relate to the post 9/11 world that we live in (Stamford = 9/11 attacks. Registration = Patriot Act. Iron Man = corporate interests. Cap = independent civilian. However, if you want to ironically rip those arguments apart, go right ahead because I'll really pay attention to what you're saying. Totally.). Its the same subtext that'll you'll see if you go back and re-read the 80s stuff reflects the current climate that it was written in. But, the problem seems to be that CW and Marvel isn't subtle enough. Civil War is too ham fisted, too blatant. Okay, so, go back and dig up your old issues of Dark Knight or Watchmen... See, while Miller did something in Dark Knight where RONALD FUCKING REGAN is saying some jackass shit about "everything is going to be fine" while he's throwing on the nuclear containment suit (you know, it happens right at the end of the series before the Bats vs. Superman throwdown. Around the time where Joker snaps his neck) Millers work is put on a pedestal because He Did It First. Now, take that scene and transport it to Civil War with George Bush in the nuclear containment suit... people would rip it apart as a cheap parody. Civil War managed to take the issues of the day and present them as allegory that a mainstream audience will understand. Maybe not explicitly to the mainstream, but in a subtle manner that'll work underneath the brains of the person who's reading it. THAT is a good allegory. Now, if you want to go right ahead and list all of the specific political allegories that were listed, point by point, in Watchmen and Dark Knight, go right ahead. But I think its absolute bullshit to say, "Civil War didn't do it well" because the 80s works that you hold in such high regard do the same shit as Civil War. Yes, the overriding themes of government oppression repeat themselves in 80s and again repeat themselves in the 2000’s, but that's because *humanity* repeats itself. Again and again. If you see something from the 80s repeated in a crossover from today, that's not because Millar is sitting there with a notepad writing down the great beats of Watchmen, its because the Same Shit Happens Again And Again. And I think just casually tossing away Civil War as bullshit does a disservice to the relevance that it’s casting upon our post-9/11 world. The point is this: you can dig up the bones of WATCHMEN and DARK KNIGHT RETURNS all you want, just because fucking Moore and Millar did it awhile ago, but you can only shake that skeleton at us so much until we realize that new writers may take a new path on the same ideas. You love Dark Knight and Watchmen? Good job. There are, shockingly, other things going on out there today that'll be remembered. You wanna call CW off as bullshit posturing? Fine, go ahead. But you're blinding yourself to the social relevance that it’s talking about. However, since you read Dark Knight Returns, you can come off as alot smarter than anyone. So, good show. You read Dark Knight Returns. Whoop-de-fucking-do.

  • March 9, 2007, 7:08 a.m. CST

    I didn't see any 'social relevance' in Civil War...

    by stones_throw

    I saw an America-hating British writer shoe-horning post-9/11 events into the Marvel Universe (also blatantly ripping of WATCHMEN) as an excuse for Captain America and Iron Man to punch eachother, the FF to split up, Spidey to unmask and a million other out of character and money grabbing events. Forcing headlines into what is essentially juvenile fiction ain't social relevance.

  • March 9, 2007, 8:07 a.m. CST

    How Many Of Y'All Would Worry About Patriot Act...

    by Buzz Maverik

    ...if that wasn't what Marvel's press releases overtly TOLD you that CW was about? Would you give a crap about freedom if it weren't threatened in your comic books? Were you the same people eating up those post-9/11 Cap vs. Al Queada comics? Remember the Bullseye comic where he worked for Al Queada (I think K-Smith couldn't be bothered to finish that)? So what actual BOOKS are you reading about the subject? (Google something quick!). What political journals? You know, you don't have to justify liking comic books. If you want to look smart, there's better ways to do it than reading comics. Obviously, I don't read comics to look intellectual! As Good Will Hunting told the grad student in the bar, "At least I won't be unoriginal." Have a thought that didn't come from Joe, Axel or Marvel PR. Freedom starts right now, with thinking for yourselves. As for allegory, I'll have an unoriginal thought of my own and echo Professor Tolkien (who may have been a little more intellectual than Joe or Axel, what with the Oxford professorship, and was an even better British writer than Mark Millar):"I hate allegory."

  • March 9, 2007, 8:47 a.m. CST

    Tall Boy - the difference is . . .

    by Movietool

    that in the 80's a deep, socially relevant, deconstructionist Superhero story was the EXCEPTION and not the RULE. Back then, most comics were trying to tell fun, rip-roaring stories that engaged the imagination. Now, they're all trying to create their own opus that's as good as "Watchmen" before they move out to California and sell a script or two. The result? Lower sales and practically no new readers picking up comics, because kids don't want to be taught a lesson when they're being entertained - they want to see the big monster punch an army tank accross three city blocks. Nowadays, the tank would land on an abortion clinic and we'd have to endure ten pages of talking heads discussing the social relevance.

  • March 9, 2007, 9:06 a.m. CST

    SO WHAT if it's a fuckin' 'allegory'...

    by Psynapse

    The allegory is what? That our government is really a bunch of fascist fucks right now? No shit fuckfaces. WOW, I really needed something that I've shelled out my hard earned cash TO BE ENTERTAINED telling me what actually happening in the world around me ('Cuz you know the news just won't do that at all). I've been spending my own (either earned or stolen) money supporting this ENTERTAINMENT industry for the last 30 fucking years. <p>And when it comes to shoehorning 'real life' into superhero comics why don't you chew on this for a moment: "First off, the idea that superhero comics should reflect the news headlines is not one I tend to subscribe to. I've always preferred using my comics to talk about the world around me in the language of symbolism and metaphor and I'm more interested in telling stories about how people behave in bizarre situations than I am in commenting on current events."<p> A-fucking-men. (and thanks Grant)

  • March 9, 2007, 9:16 a.m. CST

    Oh and Zombiesolutions?

    by Psynapse

    Just what does Al Quesada's cock taste like?

  • March 9, 2007, 9:44 a.m. CST

    Uh...

    by loodabagel

    Runaways?

  • March 9, 2007, 9:56 a.m. CST

    It's not enough...

    by vroom socko

    to be a good allegory. It has to also be a good story. Civil War is not a good story. It's barely even a good allegory. If the only point to CW was to slam the Patriot Act, then so what? Keith Olbermann does the same thing every night on tv. You think DKR was ONLY about Reganomics? Those older stories endure because their themes and ideas work on a much broader spectrum than CW. There's more to them than allegory. Civil War has no room to breathe as a story, the pages are so chocked full of allegory that probably isn't going to be relivant in a few years time anyway. It's dry, unoriginal, uninspired, and if it's the best damn alegory you've seen TallBoy, then you really need to read more.

  • March 9, 2007, 9:59 a.m. CST

    Movietool

    by Shigeru

    "kids don't want to be taught a lesson when they're being entertained - they want to see the big monster punch an army tank accross three city blocks. Nowadays, the tank would land on an abortion clinic and we'd have to endure ten pages of talking heads discussing the social relevance." <br> I LOL'd!

  • March 9, 2007, 10:04 a.m. CST

    re: Tallboy's ginormous post

    by Shigeru

    There is so much blatantly wrong with almost everything you said, I don't know where to start. <br><br> Wait, yes I do:<br>Civil War re-hashing or not being as good as Watchmen or DKR is NO ONE'S primary argument against it. It's not even in the top 5.

  • March 9, 2007, 10:10 a.m. CST

    That's the thing about CW......

    by Psynapse

    There's not an original story beat or idea in any one of the 7 issues. Not. A. One.

  • March 9, 2007, 10:42 a.m. CST

    Movin' on up

    by Psynapse

    I see you tryin' to mad-eye us Lost TB, oh yes I do.

  • March 9, 2007, 10:49 a.m. CST

    Okay I'LL tie us then

    by Psynapse

    Not so smug now are you Lost TB.

  • March 9, 2007, 11:04 a.m. CST

    Yukitup, Buzz, But Freedom IS At Stake.

    by Buzz Maverik

    Since revealing yer secret identity is THE thing to do this year...my name is Miles Maverik. I'm a mild mannered motion picture producer. But I've found myself in possession of a suit of sentient armor that may be alive. When I don that suit, I become a defender of justice called Bio-Mechanic. That's just Bio-Mechanic, btw, not THE Bio-Mechanic, dammit! So, the other day, the implants in my brain pick up a signal that Johnny Testosterone is rampaging on the Promenade. Like I'm going to like some super-steroid case destroy Fatburger, right? I'm down there, being a good citizen, disrupting his molecules when some guy in a suit comes up to me and says,"You got a license for that thing?" License? It turns out that wearing a set of clothes that are really a futurist quantum accelerator takes a permit these days. And poor Johnny didn't get off much better. He wasn't charged with throwing the Pier into the Pacific, but it turns out Hormone-Triple X is a controlled substance and this is Johnny's third strike. Call me smarmy if you want (although I prefer "snarky")but this is exactly the kind of thing that CW is trying to save us from!

  • March 9, 2007, 11:28 a.m. CST

    We Have To Take The Fun Out Of Our Fun, Ya Know.

    by Buzz Maverik

    Of course, there should be ALL kinds of comics but let's face it, there aren't. That said, intellectualizing and academicizing our pop culture to justify the fact that most of us are chronologically men desperately hanging on to what is viewed as a child's entertainment is making the medium...what is the word I'm looking for...oh, yeah: suck. Let's look at other hobbies, shall we? Yesterday, I took my sons Bruce and Willis to the local park to play. We have a kick ass park nearby with several playgrounds, atheletic fields and it even has a track for grown men to race their radio controlled cars (I'm sorry but how can anybody say that WE comic fans are geeks?). My kids and I wander over there because it's cool and we like cars and racing and toys, right? We're watching, and I can't help but notice that my boys and I are the only ones smiling. All these guys, who are in their 30s and 40s and look like blue collar guys, are grim and serious, working frantically, rushing around. None of them were having fun with their toys. I think comic fans are a lot like that. Look at this talkback. The only people getting any joy out of CW are those of us who are mocking it. If you're really concerned about the Patriot Act, join the ACLU. Get active. Start a rally. Write the mainstream media, not an obscure website or a comic book message board. But if you have to be beaten over the head with the allegory, then the allegory is without art. Let's look at comics. Did Stan or Marvel TELL anybody at the time that the FF was about the evolution of the American family in the latter half of the 20th Century? Were we told that Spider-Man was about guilt, responsibility, inner-strength and redemption? The target audience would have rightly said, "Nuh-uh" if you told them that's DC's Silver Age Flash (a cop) and Green Lantern (a test pilot) represented American post-war dominance and prosperity (provided you were a white male at the time). Let's see, during the Vietnam War, the Hulk battled the US Military who wanted to make him conform. Superman is the Jungian savior from the outside, come to save us but never join us. Batman is twisted by a grudge and is never free. X-Men: we're told overtly now that they are oppressed minorites but I prefer the simple: kids grow up to be different than their parents. My Bronze Age favorites: Ghost Rider & Son of Satan: dark side of the counter culture; Luke Cage: black empowerment seen through the eyes of well meaning white liberals; Master of Kung Fu:...uh, martial arts comics are really cool...But we were never told any of that at the time. When you get your impassioned statements straight from Marvel (or the media that Marvel is sending press kits) you're getting your ideology from people who were paid to think that way. I just wish they'd be honest. "Hey, we're in the comic book business. We like what we do. We want good lives for ourselves and our families. We like that we can provide some entertainment and enjoyment and escape for our readers."

  • March 9, 2007, 11:33 a.m. CST

    Remeber when reading comic books used to be fun?

    by Mr Incredible

    What happened to those days? Seriously, what happened to them?

  • March 9, 2007, 11:35 a.m. CST

    We're No. 3!!

    by Psynapse

    Ownage.

  • March 9, 2007, 11:50 a.m. CST

    Right on, Buzz.

    by stones_throw

    I haven't heard any of the Civil War apologists come up with anything other than the Marvel sponsored publicity lines.

  • March 9, 2007, 12:13 p.m. CST

    What Buzz said.....

    by Psynapse

    Amen.

  • March 9, 2007, 12:19 p.m. CST

    Up yours Gyllenhaal TB!

    by Psynapse

    Get thee behind me Satan.

  • March 9, 2007, 12:19 p.m. CST

    Up your Gyllenhaal TB!

    by Psynapse

    Get thee behind me Satan.

  • March 9, 2007, 12:46 p.m. CST

    C'mon people!

    by Psynapse

    I can't kick the other TB's asses by myself ya know. *fires up Cog-signal*....Goddammit, they nicked the lightbulb again! Fuckers......

  • March 9, 2007, 12:55 p.m. CST

    Cog Signal? Oh snap, snap, snap!

    by The Heathen

    Gyllenhaal to replace Katie Holmes? I love me some Maggie (ever since that damn sexy The Secretary poster. Growwwl.) but I hate when characters are replaced by different actors unless it's unavoidable like Harris as Dumbledore or something. What do you folks think? That right Gyllenhaal TB, I'm stealing your shit!

  • March 9, 2007, 12:59 p.m. CST

    Gorram it!

    by The Heathen

    'That's right Gyllenhaal TB' <br> <br> The apostrophe and s totally make that sentence sound like something at least normal. I mean, it's not as cool as using 'whilst', 'zeitgeist' or 'pwned', but it does the job. <br> <br>

  • March 9, 2007, 1:26 p.m. CST

    i'm still at a loss at how

    by blackthought

    some thought civil war was good. brad walker and i just eviscerate the book but then again i'll gladly take any civil war issues for my fire place...it's cold here. and sayid should kick marvel's ass.

  • March 9, 2007, 1:30 p.m. CST

    I do read comics to look intellectual!

    by El Vale

    People just laugh tho' *Frowny face*

  • March 9, 2007, 1:35 p.m. CST

    I'd put mine up gyllenhaal's...

    by Shigeru

    Maggie, natch.

  • March 9, 2007, 1:40 p.m. CST

    walking dead #35 scene

    by Shigeru

    when Glenn and Maggie are laying on the bed about to DO IT, and Glenn is like "shit do I smell smoke??" I thought *for sure* he was going to go out and try to stop them burning bodies because the Governor's clan would see the smoke and know where to find them. <br>I kind of wish more bad stuff happened as a result of zombies getting into the prison. Maybe it will happen. I dunno, I guess I'm just a sick bastard that wants to see these characters be put through hell some more.

  • March 9, 2007, 1:46 p.m. CST

    Watchmen and DKR vs Civil War

    by El Vale

    Watchmen didn't star Batman and Superman and the like. I can boil it down to that. It was its own thing and it was all the better for it. Even DKR was its own thing, sort of elseworldsey, set in a "dystopian future" etc...and let's not forget some people outright rejected it when it came out simply because it was Batman. Frank Miller (and that's so disturbing you'd mistakingly call him Frank Millar) got phone calls from former Batman creators telling him he'd ruined the character, if i remember correctly. <br><br> Still, like someone smarter than me said above, those books had lots more going for them than just the allegories. If you're going to boil Watchmen down to just social relevance, you're out of your wits. In fact, that's the reason no one's been able to replicate the brilliance of Watchmen so far: it's not about the one thing. I could even quote Alan Moore and say Watchmen is about how reality mirrors itself, but that doesn't even begin to cover it either. DKR on the other hand was intrinsically about Batman as a character. And that's the reason so many people reject Civil War so, it was never about Iron Man or Captain America as characters. It was about the hamfisted political allegory and social relevance, with a bunch of firmly established characters shoehorned into convenient enough places to serve the storyline. <br><br> That, my friends, is fanfiction at it's blatant worst.

  • March 9, 2007, 1:48 p.m. CST

    Oh shit!

    by El Vale

    I haven't read the nww Walking Dead yet! BRB.

  • March 9, 2007, 1:50 p.m. CST

    Ahhh! No WD spoilers!!!!

    by The Heathen

    I'm too poor and I haven't gotten my books yet! <br> <br> I'm sick to death of talking about the… death of Cap. Let's discuss the death's that Jack Bauer has caused and what weapons he used to do them: www.bauercount.com

  • March 9, 2007, 2:03 p.m. CST

    oops!

    by Shigeru

    Sorry about the spoilers dudes. <br><br> Vale, that was a post of beauty, mi amigo. Quoted For Fucking Truth: <br>"And that's the reason so many people reject Civil War so, it was never about Iron Man or Captain America as characters. It was about the hamfisted political allegory and social relevance, with a bunch of firmly established characters shoehorned into convenient enough places to serve the storyline."

  • March 9, 2007, 2:05 p.m. CST

    All done

    by El Vale

    Sincerely thought it was gonna be far worse for those people. Oh well, we're sick bastards i guess.

  • March 9, 2007, 2:09 p.m. CST

    Thanks Shig

    by El Vale

    You guys didn't see it comming!

  • March 9, 2007, 2:14 p.m. CST

    Crikey!

    by The Heathen

    Hard to keep up with all the comic related news. <br> <br> First off, can't wait to see 300 in IMAX this weekend. <br> <br> Secondly, TallBoy made yet another inane post on the Rorshach/300 TB. Moriarty had to reply. As for Rorshach? The mask looks different than what I'd have it be, but this is only a test. I haven't been excited or against the Watchmen movie, but Snyder seems like he at least cares. He's setting it in 1985 and including the Pirate story. That's cool with me. Whatever ends up happening we'll always have the classic book and Civil War will always suck. Some thing just won't change. <br> <br> Mmm… Maggie! <br> <br> I'd much prefer Natalie Portman as Indy's daughter over Louis Stevens (Even Stevens son!!!) but the kid isn't a bad actor, he's just not Natalie Portman, but he should be. He definitely doesn't look like Indy. Marion though? Hmm… <br> <br> Spileberg has the TinTin rights? I know nearly nothing about the source material. Is this good? People likey? <br> <br> Comic Justice was THE WORD on The Colbert Report last night. Crazy. <br> <br> Does anyone care about the Rob Zombie remake of Halloween?

  • March 9, 2007, 2:18 p.m. CST

    Vale…

    by The Heathen

    what Shig said. Period.

  • March 9, 2007, 2:18 p.m. CST

    The thing about Watchmen.....

    by Psynapse

    Is that it was a story idea that Moore had for DC's acquisition of the Charlton character library. All he did was change the names when Dc said "Uhh...No we don't think so/"<p>Dr. Manhattan= Captain Atom<p>Silk Spectre= Nightshade<p>Nite Owl=Blue Beetle<p>Rorschach= The Question<p>Ozymandias= Thunderbolt<p> True story.

  • March 9, 2007, 2:22 p.m. CST

    Good point, Psy.

    by The Heathen

    And also very true.

  • March 9, 2007, 2:23 p.m. CST

    And regarding Mr. Moore.....

    by Psynapse

    For me, the bloom was off the rose permanently when I read about his "Twilight of the Gods/Ragnarok" idea he had for the DCU. It was kind of Kingdom Come but with the big guns all in charge of their respective 'families' (Wondy married Supes for example) but the sick kicker is that he had Captain and Mary Marvel having a kid together. Sorry Alan, but your desire to pervert those 2 heroes of my childhood that depravely just sucks ass bud.

  • March 9, 2007, 2:25 p.m. CST

    TinTin

    by El Vale

    TinTin is probably one of the best comics series ever created. This is the stuff i grew up reading and it still holds up. They're just amazing and fun adventure stories featuring some of the best comic book characters ever (Captain Haddock is probably my favorite comic book character), and Hergé's art is some of the best comics art i've ever seen. Highly recommended, TinTin is my childhood.

  • March 9, 2007, 2:28 p.m. CST

    Watchmen really benefited

    by El Vale

    From not being able to use said characters.

  • March 9, 2007, 2:30 p.m. CST

    yeah...

    by blackthought

    heathen i like that bauer site...it's hilariously heart warming...makes me feel safe to know how many and how bauer dispatched of villainy...i wonder what he'd do to alqueseda (sounds like a bad taco bell product)...season 4's kill total will hopefully be topped this season.

  • March 9, 2007, 2:34 p.m. CST

    You guys are nuts...

    by Thalya

    Anybody replacing Katie Holmes is a step up.

  • March 9, 2007, 2:36 p.m. CST

    Maggie Gyllenhaal's fug

    by El Vale

    You heard me.

  • March 9, 2007, 2:37 p.m. CST

    I agree Vale...

    by Psynapse

    But I'm always so mystified at how he gets damn near deified when people talk about Watchmen. Given that his intent WASN'T any kind of relevant social commentary, it was an attempt to deconstruct and humiliate existing characters. I mean, hey, I enjoyed Watchmen, I just knew what it really was from the outset.

  • March 9, 2007, 2:44 p.m. CST

    Twilight of the Superheroes

    by The Heathen

    Sounded amazing actually. If anyone hasn't read the treatment, Google it and print out he ten pages or so. Kingdom Come and even some of the ideas surrounding House of M stemmed from Twilight. Moore loved Crisis so much he went to DC and said he wanted to do a big mega event thing too and that's what he gave them. I liked the idea about having the different Houses and the way it begins and ends with John Constantine was brilliant. <br> <br> I'll look into TinTin, Vale. I knew it was highly regarded, but I've never read anything from it. I agree in some ways about not using the DC characters for Watchmen. Basically because it sets it apart and because Superman could have wrecked that monster thing up I guess. I don't think anyone will argue that it should have been the other way at least.

  • March 9, 2007, 2:46 p.m. CST

    Watchmen flick

    by Shigeru

    If I was writing a script the first thing I would have done would be to excise the pirate story. They are going to have trouble fitting everything in in the first place, and the pirate comic works so well because of it's meta comic-within-a-comic thing.

  • March 9, 2007, 2:48 p.m. CST

    Oh so you dig incest Heath?

    by Psynapse

    I knew you were a perv.

  • March 9, 2007, 2:48 p.m. CST

    i think in greengrass' adaptation it was excised...

    by blackthought

    no piratas at all. and you know, i'd love for DC and Moore to come back and revisit twighlight...imagine that work if it came to fruition in an absolute edition...drooling.

  • March 9, 2007, 2:49 p.m. CST

    I never said Maggie wasn't a step up…

    by The Heathen

    I just don't like changing actors or actresses mid-movies like that, especially when the person is living and well. Maggie is cute, maybe not as cute as Jake, but still cute as hell. Plus, she's a damn fine actress. <br> <br> I dunno, thought. Jack's got his work cut out for him to top season 4. Here's hoping though! I love that site.

  • March 9, 2007, 2:51 p.m. CST

    I would have killed to see Greengrass' take.

    by Shigeru

    And I too would also kill for an absolute hardcover twilight of the superheroes...

  • March 9, 2007, 2:51 p.m. CST

    Hey, Psy…

    by The Heathen

    I live as deep down South as you do, just more near those rural parts. Mmm hmm… incest! ; )

  • March 9, 2007, 2:53 p.m. CST

    Absolut Twilight?

    by The Heathen

    … excuse me while I change my pants. <br> <br> Greengrass would have rocked indeed. I got some faith in Snyder though.

  • March 9, 2007, 3:14 p.m. CST

    The New Cap

    by Pogue__Mahone

    Know what would be cool and ballsy!? Having someone equally cool and ballsy pick up the Mantle of Captain America. Not Bucky... that's TOO easy! BUt what better way to honour his fallen friend than by donning the red, white and blue... and it'll get red neck American's up in arms! My vote for the new Captain America? LUKE CAGE!!!

  • March 9, 2007, 3:15 p.m. CST

    Watchmen movie

    by El Vale

    Aw man, i don't know...i never wanted it to happen but what can you do, right? <br><br> Psy, Moore was in a very snobbish place when he started writing Watchmen. Since he was going to be writing a superhero book, and isn't that embarrassing, he thought he'd turn it into something intellectual, complex, challenging and ultimately very pretentious so his friends wouldn't make fun of him. Street cred is important. Why is that ok? Because he made a freaking masterpiece he did. And making fun of superheroes is cool...cause they're silly *runs away*

  • March 9, 2007, 3:36 p.m. CST

    Twilight of the Superheroes.

    by Tito Trinidad

    Wow, its funny that you guys are talking about this. I just discovered it 2 weeks ago.<p> What struck me is that even though it was just a treatment, I found myself completely engrossed. Hell, I had already picked artists in my head. The artist from CW would have been great on this.

  • March 9, 2007, 3:43 p.m. CST

    Moore's an ass if you ask me

    by Psynapse

    There I said it. I stick by it so....Flame ON motherfuckers! (With acknowledgement to the Turtle God who coined it). Direct quote regarding V, Watchmen & DC: "Right, I see, you've scammed me quite nicely." BULLSHIT Alan, just because you were too stoned to actually read your fucking contract automatically means you were hoodwinked? Nuh-ih don't think so jackass......

  • March 9, 2007, 3:43 p.m. CST

    Exactly, Tito…

    by The Heathen

    Same here. I could completely visualize it and was engrossed in it just from the treatment. I'd personally picture a Alex Ross, John Cassaday, Bryan Hitch or Ethan Van Sciver, but Steve McNiven would be interesting. I'd like to see him do any sort of DC work.

  • March 9, 2007, 3:45 p.m. CST

    And you also love Promethea, Psy?

    by Thalya

    *confuzzled*

  • March 9, 2007, 3:45 p.m. CST

    And hey Heath

    by Psynapse

    I have no problem with incest, it's the inbred babies that yuck me out. (They never taste right with barbecue sauce!)

  • March 9, 2007, 3:46 p.m. CST

    Goddamn you Gyllenhaal TB!!

    by Psynapse

    That bitch keeps outpacing us!

  • March 9, 2007, 3:48 p.m. CST

    Also, just to post..

    by Thalya

    Anyone here _not_ like Marvel's house coloring style? It annoys me for some reason. I think the publisher's smug self-righteous self-importance drips down into it, actually.

  • March 9, 2007, 3:51 p.m. CST

    You caught me Katie

    by Psynapse

    I ADORE Promethea (mainly because I never have to explain Kaballah & mysticism to anyone again. I can just go 'Wait, just read this. ALL of this.') Didn't say I had a problem with his work produced now, just don't care for him as a person because he has a penchant for crying foul, playing the victim, and painting anyone else involved as a villain.

  • March 9, 2007, 3:51 p.m. CST

    What is with Alan Moore and incest?

    by rev_skarekroe

    Twilight of the Superheroes, Smax, Lost Girls... Seriously, I really hope he's not boinking his daughters.

  • March 9, 2007, 3:52 p.m. CST

    Uh-oh…

    by The Heathen

    Psy just opened up a can of worms while ensuring us the top TB spot and that Vale gets no sleep for the next few days! Ha, ha. Vale and I went over this around the time V was released and I had the same thoughts that Psy does. Although I think Moore is brilliant, I do think he's a sucker for not having his shit straight not only for one thing, but multiple things he's written/created. It should only take being screwed once over to know that you better read the fine print and hire a lawyer for the next thing you work on, BUT I don't think he's an asshole. I used to, but that was before I heard what he sounded like. He really sounds like a sweet man with the best intentions. Sure, maybe a little gullible in regards to business, but not an ass in the least. I think there was a podcast or something on Fan Boy Radio (episode 349). Search for it and listen. It's worthwhile.

  • March 9, 2007, 3:58 p.m. CST

    Psy…

    by The Heathen

    try them incest babies with A-1. It helps them dry meat things go down easier. <br> <br> I still haven't finished LOST GIRLS because after seeing Michael and John stroke each other off while Peter Pan took advantage of Wendy… well, it freaked me the fuck out. A-1 did not help that time!

  • March 9, 2007, 4:01 p.m. CST

    It is ON bitch!

    by El Vale

    Alright...here we go.

  • March 9, 2007, 4:02 p.m. CST

    Ho-lee sheeit Thalya! RE: MarvelColors

    by Psynapse

    I've not said anything becuase I thought it was just me! I swear to GOD I said that very same thing in my LCS a few weeks back!

  • March 9, 2007, 4:06 p.m. CST

    Hot cha cha!

    by Thalya

    Great minds think alike, Psy! And it's just too darn orange.<BR><BR>And also: Final page of Civil War #2 that you've seen if you just peeked at articles on Newsarama, y'know, the one with Peter Parker, mask off, in front of the media? I think the pencils looks like crap. That's supposed to be a FACE?

  • March 9, 2007, 4:06 p.m. CST

    Marvel's house coloring style?

    by The Heathen

    Please explain?

  • March 9, 2007, 4:08 p.m. CST

    NO Vale! Just NO

    by Psynapse

    We will NOT fight over some filthy goddamn hippie. We just ain't goin' there.

  • March 9, 2007, 4:08 p.m. CST

    H..

    by Thalya

    I think it has something to do with the gradients in the computer coloring process. It's too orange and it's too yuuucckk...

  • March 9, 2007, 4:10 p.m. CST

    We're #2! We're #2!

    by Thalya

    We're beating out Indy's son and Rachael Dawes! Who would've thunk a Fox News comedy show would be at the top of AICN articles?

  • March 9, 2007, 4:11 p.m. CST

    Ohhh…

    by The Heathen

    ehh, that's basically just Frank D'Armata or whoever. Kind of unfair to call it a 'house style' when you have stellar work by Laura Martin, Jose Villarubia and others that do work under Marvel. Frank D did HoM, Uncanny X-Men, David Finch's stuff and other books that get a lot of press. I agree about his colors, but not really as a blanket statement. Vale and I got into the colors over HoM I believe. Where's Vale? He's writing his first chapter reply to Psy he is! ; )

  • March 9, 2007, 4:12 p.m. CST

    Heath

    by Psynapse

    If your LCS will let you, take any 3 marvel books & any 3 DC books and open them up and lay them down side by side. I saw it most prominently in the skin tones. It's like Marvel's got a contract with the colors Red & Orange or something. I'm totally serial.

  • March 9, 2007, 4:15 p.m. CST

    Really?

    by The Heathen

    With every book? Hmm. I'll look closer then. I'm pretty sure that both publishers get printed at Quebecor, so I don't know why that would be. Even on people's stuff that isn't Frank D'Armata?

  • March 9, 2007, 4:16 p.m. CST

    Well...

    by Thalya

    "House style" as in, not everyone uses it, but what gets resorted to if there's nothing special about the coloring. But I'm looking at images from Cap #25 and it's there too (who colored it?). It just looks all plasticine and fugly. I thought Marvel was going for "realism"?

  • March 9, 2007, 4:19 p.m. CST

    Then again

    by Psynapse

    DC appears to be sucking Blue & Green's cocks. (Seriously go look at the DC books at your LCS, Either Blue or Green is THE prominent color on almost all of 'em).

  • March 9, 2007, 4:20 p.m. CST

    Moore's the first to admit he was gullible

    by El Vale

    That said, he was screwed in a way. With V, Watchmen etc the problem was quite simple: He (along with LLoyd and Gibbons) handed over ownership of the properties to DC and was promised as soon as the books went out of print, ownership would be returned to him and his artists. Bear in mind at the time, no comic had been in print for more than...whatever, 12 months or something. Absolutely no one expected the books would remain in print for 25 years, and that was where he/they got fucked. In fact, the contract still stands, as soon as V and Watchmen go out of print, he regains ownership of his work. Thing is, it's not going to happen anytime soon, sorry bud. Moore's stance on the subject? Take my name off it, i don't own it. DC would be happy to comply if having his name on the cover wasn't such a strong selling point. <br><br> I mean really, Moore hasn't played the victim, he is the victim. The guy wants nothing to do with DC comics for the rest of his life and then, unbeknownst to him, Jim Lee sells Wildstorm to DC, including Moore's already signed ABC contract (and subcontracts). The guy purs his heart and soul into his League of Extraordinary Gentlemen comic, and then a couple assholes take him to court claiming said comic was only a smokescreen so Fox could steal ideas off their crappy Cast of Characters script. Wouldn't you be pissed? <br><br> Thse days Moore only gets screwed retroactively and if he wants to vent, fucking let him...wouldn't you like to defend your life's work?

  • March 9, 2007, 4:21 p.m. CST

    Well it does make sense...

    by Thalya

    Look at the logos..

  • March 9, 2007, 4:22 p.m. CST

    Cap #25…

    by The Heathen

    was colored by D'Aramta too. Heh. You know, after thinking about it I do think that Marvel has more Reds and Oranges and DC has more Blues and Greens. Maybe it's because on one side there's Iron Man, Wolverine, Human Torch and on the other there's Batman, Green Lantern, Blue Beetle. It's an interesting debate though. One I've never heard talked about.

  • March 9, 2007, 4:23 p.m. CST

    Alan Moore tried to rape my childhood!!!

    by Psynapse

    Well he did. (See previous post re: Watchmen/charlton & Twilight) I would've been 17 when Twilight came out if he's been able to get his loveletter to Constantine approved.

  • March 9, 2007, 4:25 p.m. CST

    But at the same time..

    by Thalya

    Marvel in general has more earth tones, which means more reds and oranges, while DC tends to be very bright, and upping the blue in the RGB tends to make colors brighter, so..

  • March 9, 2007, 4:27 p.m. CST

    "no one expected the books would remain in print…"

    by The Heathen

    for 25 years" <br> <br> Well, they should have a little more confidence about their work now shouldn't they? Especially after the first masterpiece let alone a second. Pff.

  • March 9, 2007, 4:27 p.m. CST

    Oh no you didn't Thal!

    by El Vale

    Are you seriously calling Steve McNiven's art crap? Aren't you the one who liked that Kramer guy's "art" in 'Tec?

  • March 9, 2007, 4:29 p.m. CST

    True, T.

    by The Heathen

    True. I wonder if it is intentional though?

  • March 9, 2007, 4:31 p.m. CST

    Well see now.....

    by Psynapse

    I ONLY mentioned the DC issues of Moore's. Because A) Just because THE MARKET changed allowing DC to retain the rights to those works doesn't mean they scammed him AT ALL. They have lived up to the letter of their contract with him ever since they signed it. The fact that he's not happy with it doesn't make it unethical on DC's part. And 2) as for the Wildstorm/DC thing? That doesn't have the merit to even be considered. That is just business plain and simple. Jim Lee had every right to sell to DC did he not? Sometimes bad luck is just bad luck.

  • March 9, 2007, 4:32 p.m. CST

    I'm calling that unmasking page crap, Vale.

    by Thalya

    Seriously, look at Spidey's face there and tell me that's halfway decent art.

  • March 9, 2007, 4:33 p.m. CST

    McNIven's art is great…

    by The Heathen

    but it still isn't redeeming enough to make Civil War worth a soggy poop from Alan Moore's Snake God, Glycon. Mutha Fuckin' GLYCON!!! Anyone know what McNiven is doing next?

  • March 9, 2007, 4:34 p.m. CST

    Well it wasn't so much about faith...

    by El Vale

    It was about a realistic forecast. There was no precedent for that kind of thing so why would they even consider it? Say your dad's never fucked you in the butt. There's no precedent for that kind of thing so you'd never expect it. Then one day you go to your dad's and he fucks you in the butt, and then every single time you complain, people are like "well you should've seen it coming". <br><br> Unless you were making a joke, in which case...good one.

  • March 9, 2007, 4:36 p.m. CST

    it always comes down to being fucked in the butt…

    by The Heathen

    and yes, I was trying to make a joke before. So, thank you. ; )

  • March 9, 2007, 4:37 p.m. CST

    No Vale not a joke

    by Psynapse

    Nor did I imply Moore 'should have foreseen' anything. What I meant was that given the dramatic change of circumstances (a market NO ONE saw coming) he should've gotten the fuck over himself. As I've said to many a friend and many a friend has said to me: "Get over yourself, deal with it." Yeh hear me, Alan?

  • March 9, 2007, 4:47 p.m. CST

    When I Was Going To Write & Direct WATCHMEN...

    by Buzz Maverik

    ...I kicked out the pirate comic, which I loved in the comics, and replaced it with a traditional superhero comic. While Moore's idea that in a world with nasty superheroes, no one would want to read or let their kids read comics about superheroes, and that comics would go in a different direction made sense...I felt that either an animated sequence or a series of stills juxtaposing the mainstream and traditional image of the superhero with our protagonists would work better in a film. The Buzz Maverik Joint would not have been a faithful adaptation, but I'll bet Moore would have liked it. Think of a KILL BILL anti-structure, a stylistic trip on the source. I just saw 300, which had a style that I loved visually and never want to see again (Robert Rodriguez is a hero of mine & I dug the first SIN CITY but I won't be back for the others), but for me it was the usual Frank Miller inconsistent, muddled thinking. I am a sucker for his grotesquies but I'm kind of an...@$$hole and once I've seen a Yellow Bastard, I get the idea and I want to see something new.

  • March 9, 2007, 4:47 p.m. CST

    No i was talking to Heath there Psy

    by El Vale

    About the joke i mean. Yeah, i kno wwhat you mean...business...bad luck...wouldn't you feel bummed out tho'? The reason the guy keeps complaining is people keep asking. That said, i truly believe there are legitimate reasons for Moore to be pissed at DC, just because it's Alan frigging Moore and the guy knows what he's doing. And at least he has more integrity than Morrison, that pussy.

  • March 9, 2007, 4:53 p.m. CST

    Huh.

    by Tito Trinidad

    I thought Moore left DC because they were always serving split pea soup in the cafeteria. Go figure.

  • March 9, 2007, 4:57 p.m. CST

    I think we can (we f'n should) agree that…

    by The Heathen

    It would be awesome if Moore would ever touch a DC or Marvel character again… thing is, it ain't gonna happen. He mentions that in the FBR Podcast interview. That's a Fanboy's wet dream just like having David Fincher directing a Star Wars movie.

  • March 9, 2007, 4:58 p.m. CST

    More Film Free @$$ociations

    by Buzz Maverik

    I think this Zach Snyder guy is the real deal and will do a great job on WATCHMEN. I didn't see DAWN OF THE DEAD because I'd already seen DAWN OF THE DEAD and I'm not a big remake guy...300 made me want to resurrect the two planned epic Buzz Maverik Joints: GOOD FRIDAY, 1014; and GOLIATH based on the two main parts of my ethnic heritage (the proto-Maverik gene pool was probably in both places. As always, my writing fee and directing fee are the same: a million dollars, a Purdy shotgun, an H2 stocked with Habanas per job title. Plus, I get final cut; my nephew Dij Maverik does the score and my friend Eriglione's Mom runs craft services which features the best canoli west of Chicago.

  • March 9, 2007, 5:02 p.m. CST

    I Wanted Rob Reiner To Direct A STAR WARS Movie.

    by Buzz Maverik

    Fincher, like David Lynch on ROTJ, I can't imagine. But Rob Reiner, who directed the best scene ever of a kid's reaction to adult betrayal in STAND BY ME, would have made it clear why Anakin turned to the Dark Side. BTW, if you want to see the REAL transformation of Anakin Skywalker into Darth Vader, get yerself a DVD of the Russian gem NIGHT WATCH.

  • March 9, 2007, 5:05 p.m. CST

    I actually disagree

    by El Vale

    I don't think Moore should be doing DC/Marvel stuff. I mean outside of the big two he's made From Hell, Promethea, League, Lost Girls etc...plus V and Watchmen weren't about DC characters either, so those count as well. So basically i'd much rather read some of Moore's own stuff (tho' some would claim there's no such thing) than have him do X-Men or whatever. Same goes for every writer i like, in fact. Oh and Moore already wrote his dream Superman stories...it was called Supreme.

  • March 9, 2007, 5:08 p.m. CST

    Night Watch's turn to the dark side.

    by The Heathen

    Hell's yes, Buzz. As a film alone I think that Night Watch isn't as strong as it could be, but it instantly makes you crave to see the second movie Day Watch. I can't wait for it to come out (whenever that is). Night Watch showed us what could have happened with the prequels, but unfortunately didn't. Word.

  • March 9, 2007, 5:13 p.m. CST

    Actually…

    by The Heathen

    Moore's best Superman story (or MY dream Superman story) was probably 'For the Man Who Has Everything' or the other one about a future Superman. The name slips my mind, but it was in two issues. I didn't mean he should be exclusive or anything, but I'd love to see Moore write X-Men. Wouldn't you? Get on the phone Al Quesada! Make that shit happen! Moore and somebody else awesome writes Astonishing X-Men after Whedon and Cass leave. Ahh, who am I kidding? It's probably going to be Jeph Loeb and Michael Turner or something.

  • March 9, 2007, 5:21 p.m. CST

    Marvel Botched Moore Relations (again)...

    by Buzz Maverik

    ...a few years back by reprinting some CAPTAIN BRITAIN stories he'd done for them long ago. They were supposed to give some sort of credit or something--whatever--and they did exactly what they said they wouldn't. It was almost funny it was so inept. Here's why I can't see Moore working for Marvel<p>: "Alan, about your story, great story, uh, Captain America is dead so you can't use him, and everyone knows Spider-Man is Peter Parker...Alan? Alan?...I think we've been cut off."

  • March 9, 2007, 5:37 p.m. CST

    This may suprise many

    by El Vale

    But i didn't care much for "For the man who has everything" and "Whatever happened to the man of tomorrow?". It be true, i may need to re read them. I did catch an animated version of "For the man who has everything" in the Superman animated series or something like that, and it was insanely cool.

  • March 9, 2007, 5:49 p.m. CST

    You know

    by El Vale

    A large portion of the prequels was dedicated to political allegory and "challenging subjects". <br><br> They were still utter crap tho'. There's a time and there's a place.

  • March 9, 2007, 6:09 p.m. CST

    Bsides 300, Xerxes Inspired One My Favorite Movies...

    by Buzz Maverik

    ...THE WARRIORS. It seems that a small band of Greek warriors, and representatives of several other oppressed nations, attended a peace conference held by the Persian Overlord. Things didn't go as planned, with the warriors from all the different cultures turning on each other and our heroes having to bop their way back to Coney...uh, Greece. I'll bet the Greek Ajax was extra cool. Wonder if the Greek Rembrandt was the same wuss as our Rembrandt. Was the Greek Swan too much of a pretty boy for his gang leader role? They should have gone with the Greek Tony Danza as originally cast.

  • March 9, 2007, 7:45 p.m. CST

    CIVIL WAR? Intellectually challenging?

    by SleazyG.

    Come back and talk to me when you're done reading all the "Encyclopedia Brown" books and we'll talk then.

  • March 9, 2007, 7:45 p.m. CST

    I FUCKING LOVE CANNOLI.

    by SleazyG.

    THAT IS ALL.

  • March 9, 2007, 7:57 p.m. CST

    The most fucked-up thing about CIVIL WAR apologists...

    by SleazyG.

    ...is that if they buy that the Registration Act is meant to represent the Patriot Act, well...they just had Captain America, who's supposed to represent our country's ideals, the best we have to offer, the reasons we're the greatest country in the history of the world, decide to give up and surrender. Why? Because, in his own words, "the people"--the citizens of our fair nation--were actually "right". Which means the Registration Act is right. Which means a fascistic government that plays on its citizenry's greatest fears to carry out illegal acts of high treason...IS RIGHT. And CAPTAIN FUCKING AMERICA SAID SO. <p> So while you mindless drones are claiming that we're the ones too stupid to get it, try applying a little intellectual fucking rigor to the story. Think about what actually happened, and what it really means, and maybe then you'll get it: Mark Millar thinks Americans are stupid, fascistic and deserving of a government that fucks them in the ass. No, wait: not just deserving of--welcoming of. And has for Millar and Quesada and Alonso and anybody else involved--well, either they really believe this right-wing fascistic crap is what the American people would want, in case, fuck them, or they're so cynical that they don't care what message they're sending as long as it sells comics. <p> And no, that third option that they're making a sly commentary on the right wing isn't an option. Sorry, but Millar and Quesada just aren't capable of that level of subtlety, and there's years worth of comics to prove it.

  • March 9, 2007, 9 p.m. CST

    Vroom said it all so eloquently.

    by Homer Sexual

    Socko's review of CW7 expressed my feelings about Marvel so perfectly, I must give all kudos in gratefulness. Regarding no mention of Cap's death in this week's column...that is pretty lame. I know we'll read about it next week, but in this instance a more timely commentary would have been appreciated.

  • March 9, 2007, 9:06 p.m. CST

    Cage as Cap?

    by Homer Sexual

    That is actually an interesting concept. Won't happen. And I guess I am a girly man because while I think Claremont is a Stephen King-level example of someone past his prime, he used to be great and he respected his female characters. Kudos to that.

  • March 9, 2007, 10:12 p.m. CST

    Claremont? Respect female characters?

    by SleazyG.

    Ummm...I dunno about that one at all. More like "works out his own personal kinks on the page", but he's not really the only writer to do that, so I won't hold against him much. I'll snicker about it once in a while, though.

  • March 9, 2007, 11:35 p.m. CST

    The Childish Contrarian Was A Great Comic...

    by Buzz Maverik

    ...and one of DC's early attempts to copy Stan Lee's style, even with a title ala The AMAZING SPIDER-MAN, the INCREDIBLE Hulk, the MIGHTY THOR. Sadly, it's nearly forgotten today and was never all that popular. When Jack Kirby first left Marvel for DC, as a gentleman who didn't want to oust a creative team from an assignment, he asked to work on DC's worst selling title. Julie Schwartz told him that it was the CHILDISH CONTRARIAN. The King asked the SECOND worst selling title, and thus took over JIMMY OLESON. The book was originally DC's right wing jab at hippies. The Contrarian was always messing with the hippies minds, man. Later, when Denny O'Neil and Neal Adams took over, things got interesting, what with the Contrarian following Speedy around trying to get him back on heroin again. In the 70s, we had blaxpoitation-satanic Contrarian who liked the Partridge Family and attended Southern Baptist prayer meetings. Dark, grim, gritty 80s Contrarian adopted a menagerie on contrary pets, wore multi-colored costumes and battled wacky aliens and time travelers. Early 90s Contrarian stories tended to focus on the story over the art. Thankfully we've passed from early 00s Decompressed Contrarian, who had numerous adventures in each issue, to Bloated Crossover Contrarian. At several points during his existence, the Contrarian has been dead, often appearing walking around in the next panel. I always liked the Contrarian's arch nemesis Conform-o. Blind Follower was a good foe for him as well. Kid Gullible was just too gullible for me. One fun pair, who turned up in a BATMAN Arkham asylum story was the Fool & his Money.

  • March 9, 2007, 11:43 p.m. CST

    Moore Shouldn't Have Been Sued By Those Guys Over LOEG.

    by Buzz Maverik

    He should have been sued by Phillip Jose Farmer.

  • March 10, 2007, 2:22 a.m. CST

    Or...

    by El Vale

    Not.

  • March 10, 2007, 3:03 a.m. CST

    Mr. America

    by zabu 123

    I can't believe they offed Mr. America in Justice Society #2. Did anybody see that coming? Now who the hell are they going to get to replace him.

  • March 10, 2007, 9:24 a.m. CST

    Marvel Colorists

    by Shigeru

    Ignore everything drawn by David Finch (I agree, all that orange crap... ). <br> Laura Martin, Jose Villaruba and Christina Strain >>>>>> anything I've ever seen on a DC book. Look at one issue of Alphona drawn Runaways. Or AXM.

  • March 10, 2007, 3:59 p.m. CST

    Mighty Avengers.....

    by Chiapet

    It rocked. Pure and simple. And I loved Doctor Strange:The Oath, especially considering I was never a big fan of the character. I'm a long-time Marvel Zombie, (I can already hear the eye-rolling and snickering), and, trutthfully, I'm not sure HOW I feel about Civil War and the death of C.A. yet. But I will say that I admire the chances Marvel has taken throughout all of this, and, as much as I loved most of Gruenwald's run on Cap, it wasn't exactly perfect. CAPWOLF, anyone?

  • March 10, 2007, 4:50 p.m. CST

    Sorry Alan you'll have to better than that.

    by Psynapse

    See here's the thing Vale, as a writer, I think the man is genuinely brilliant and with few of peer. As a person dealing with other people I feel he's quite possibly a bit of an ass with a knack for remembering through stoner colored glasses.<p>Here's an example of what I like to think of a 'Classic Alan Moore Posturing': When interviewed about why he left marvel UK, Alan Moore stated it was because he was incensed by the firing of his then editor Bernie Jaye (among other gripes but he says Bernie was the kicker). However, when questioned about those very same events Alan Davis utterly refutes this when inerviewed for the Modern Masters edition devoted to him ( I have it). Davis goes so far as to make it clear that not only was Bernie not fired (She simply wanted to do other things in publishing), but that she would be quite embarassed for anyone to think she had been.<p> Like I said, as a writer I'm as awed, challenged, and energized by him as anyone could be (Read Promethea and have a look at how existence works). But as a person he's as egotistical as any truly powerful mystic I've ever met and as such is quite likely lean towards his own misconceptions. Love your work Alan, but shut yeh pie-hole.

  • March 10, 2007, 5:30 p.m. CST

    Goddamn typos...

    by Psynapse

    Where's my fucking edit feature, bitch?!?

  • March 10, 2007, 6:40 p.m. CST

    Xerxes in 300 is…

    by The Heathen

    Man-who-poops in hatches aka Zorro aka Paulo from LOST. That blew my mind.

  • March 10, 2007, 8:49 p.m. CST

    Me? A neocon?

    by SleazyG.

    And you got that from what I wrote? Talk about missing the point. I'm a neocon like rain is dry, and I'm only a geekcontrarian when the geeks are wrong. Like, for example, when one of them makes the woefully misguided mistake of pretending they thought that CIVIL WAR was worth reading. If you honestly think a 20 year old Lloyd Bentsen joke is quality writing, then by all means, enjoy CIVIL WAR. I'll be over here reading things that don't completely suck to try and cleanse my mental palate.

  • March 10, 2007, 11:13 p.m. CST

    fug...

    by blackthought

    i want to be on next season of lost or heroes. anyone have any ideas how to achieve that?

  • March 11, 2007, 1:53 a.m. CST

    Well blackthought

    by El Vale

    A rising star-type male model such as yourself shouldn't have a hard time persuing such goals.

  • March 11, 2007, 11:30 a.m. CST

    hmm...

    by blackthought

    interesting...one must hope. i just want to kill peter petrelli.

  • March 11, 2007, 2:43 p.m. CST

    Who doesn't?

    by Psynapse

    Or to at least savor the flavor of delivering a mighty bitchslap to the side of his face with dead nerves that he uses as an 'acting technique'.

  • March 11, 2007, 3:01 p.m. CST

    Oh and...SHAZAM!

    by Psynapse

    Sweet jumpin' frog innards in a whiskey soaked griddle but #2 of this series was more fun than watchin' 2 retarded cripple kids fight!!

  • March 11, 2007, 5:36 p.m. CST

    I Was Always On Cap's Side Myself...

    by Buzz Maverik

    ...especially that time he ran up against Batroc, Whirlwind and Porcupine. It was an odd combo of villains that didn't really compliment each other's powers and skills, and Cap took full advantage of that! But I can see Tony's point of view completely: where the hell did the Grey Gargoyle get off trying to destroy Stark Industries? You can call it fascist all you want, but I say Iron Man was justified in using Stark's latest invention to restore the Gargoyle's human form.

  • March 11, 2007, 5:45 p.m. CST

    DKR Was Less About Reagan & More re. Batman...

    by Buzz Maverik

    Surprise! It was more about Batman comics and the perception of the character in mainstream media. Of course, being "one of us", Miller had to go too far. We got it, Frank. Batman wasn't about Adam West. The funny thing is...Reaganomics worked. We were a better, more prosperous nation with more opportunities for our citizens and we weren't in an unwinnable war against a determined, indigenous force. CIVIL WAR is about little more than selling comic books to the journeymanfan (screw the new fans and especially screw the long time fans). You want your allegory spelled out for you: George Dubya Bush = Mark Millar & Joe Quesada. How? All they care about is the legacy, bay-bee. Never mind the toll (except, of course, that fictional lives and funny books aren't a fart in the wind to the horrors of reality).

  • March 11, 2007, 5:49 p.m. CST

    Sleazy's Not A Neocon! He's A NeoSentinel...

    by Buzz Maverik

    ...and there isn't a mutant alive that can destroy a neo-Sentinel! Ah, now arriving for processing, the mutant designated as...Havok!

  • March 11, 2007, 6:09 p.m. CST

    300 Based On The @$$holes...

    by Buzz Maverik

    ...Remember that time the ambassador from the Marvel Zombies showed up with the heads of all those comic book critics? Everyone said that giving him a wedgie would only bring trouble, but you should have seen the look on his face! We couldn't get the okay from the Guy's With Zits to take 'em on directly (they even held up a Playboy centerfold and said in a falsetto:"Don't make fun of 'em, Buzz."). I finally gathered up 3 of our snarkiest smart@$$es and headed off to insult them. Someone suggested we stop for a few rounds of drinks. The next thing we knew, it was a month later and we came to on the doorstep of the @$$hole clubhouse, covered in all these stupid looking tattoos.

  • March 12, 2007, 1:04 a.m. CST

    The Inishitive

    by dregmobile

    i've decided i'm going back and collecting the cap trades to fully understand the whole arc brubaker is going for. as for the inishitive, it looks incredibly boring. the one-shot i just bought *dodges tomatoes* and read *dodges more* was awful, but had nice flashy art. i like the way the yeti throws his voice when he introduces "omega flight!" and ends up on the splash page with his mouth shut - unless there are two of the yeti's? twins? the canadians must be happy, though. <br> <br> to be fair, thuderbolts looks kinda interesting. but i'm steering clear of shit and the mighty avengers ... though i'll keep on with new avengers *tastes more tomato*

  • March 12, 2007, 10:04 a.m. CST

    Ok, so I'm wondering...

    by Thalya

    Who's seen 300 and who hasn't? We must lay out how much spoiler warning will be needed. And *raises hand*, I have seen it, I plan on seeing it in IMAX this weekend or sometime soon. (Why even see it in IMAX the first time? At least see it smaller so you can see the entire thing first, otherwise you'll most likely miss out on details and the second viewing even larger will be more worthwhile)

  • March 12, 2007, 10:25 a.m. CST

    The only Watchmen movie anyone needs...

    by loodabagel

    <p>Zack Snyder? Bah!</p> <p>The only one worthy of a Watchmen movie is me! I made Dread Lobster! (5 minute movie seen by about 6 people on the planet) Soon the world shall know the glory of Loodabagel Watchmen! With a script written by my good friends George Lopez and Jim Belushi. Holy crap! Those guys are hilarious! I think they have the funniest TV shows in America, right after that show of Jeff Foxworthy and his creepy redneck pals. See, you have to have a really funny script if you don't want to alienate middle America. That's why I was originally in talks with the guy who wrote Norbit, but I dropped him after I saw his film and decided it was a little too edgy for my tastes. So ABC sitcom is definetly the way to go. Of course, Roscarch would naturally be played by Martin Lawrence and Ashton Kutcher would be Night Owl, seeing how they had such great chemistry in that cartoon masterpiece, Open Season.</p> <p>I want to keep the rest of the cast pretty young as well, so we don't alienate the hot teen market. I was hoping to get Amanda Bynes to play SIlk Spectre and Justin Timberlake for the Comedian. I'll round out the cast with David Beckham, Seth Green and Dane Cook as Ozymandus, Old Night-Owl and a new Liefeld-esque Character I invented myself. Speaking of Liefeld, I had the costume designer add lots of pouches to all the suits.</p> <p>In lieu of a traditional score, I had Toby Kieth compose a total of 23 new songs for the soundtrack. John Williams wanted to do it, but I was all like "Screw you buddy. I hired a real musician. You can take that orchestra and shove it up your ass for all I care."</p> <p>It has a running time of 82 minutes and it will be in theaters this summer.</p> <p>God Bless America. Death to terrorists.</p>

  • March 12, 2007, 11:20 a.m. CST

    T…

    by The Heathen

    You don't miss anything when seeing 300 in IMAX. Trust me. It was awesome. Just sit in the back row and enjoy.

  • March 12, 2007, 12:13 p.m. CST

    But still..

    by Thalya

    ..who hasn't seen the movie? Speak now or forever hold your peace for when things get spoilery.

  • March 12, 2007, 12:34 p.m. CST

    Shazam! Decoder question

    by Psynapse

    Has anyone found it on DC's website? Every link I find just keeps bringing me to the promo for the book.

  • March 12, 2007, 1:44 p.m. CST

    Answer The Woman!

    by Buzz Maverik

    I, Buzz Marcellus Maverik, have seen 300, or as I like to call it, "A visit to the folks..."

  • March 12, 2007, 1:50 p.m. CST

    Thank you, Buzz!!!

    by Thalya

    1) *snarf*<BR><BR> 2) You don't happen to have a band-aid on the back of your neck, do you?

  • March 12, 2007, 1:55 p.m. CST

    I've already read it on Moviespoiler.com

    by Psynapse

    So spoil away! (T knows that psy is a TOTAL Spoilerwhore(TM) from our days ruling existence as Senior Partners)PS- Hey Katie-Wednesday! SQUEEEEE!!!

  • March 12, 2007, 2:13 p.m. CST

    My deep insight of the movie:

    by Thalya

    It was as Spartan as its heroes. I've yet to get and read the GN, but it was the most beautiful transfer of a comic to film I've ever seen. Even with the subplot, they managed to keep it lean and to "the good parts" as William Goldman would say. That, and it was the best fight choreography I've ever seen (even to the point where I didn't think it was choreography. They were literally hacking and stabbing people on screen, there were no FX, it was all real!). Reminded me a lot of the methodical way I'd kick butt when playing Legend of Zelda. PHALANX rulez!

  • March 12, 2007, 2:17 p.m. CST

    *blinks* Oh yeah!

    by Thalya

    omg, that's been a long time coming. I hope it holds up. In some of his later projects like Firefly, I've found myself diverging from liking Joss' stuff as much as before, but it IS Buffy..

  • March 12, 2007, 2:22 p.m. CST

    The Good Parts? We Call It...

    by Buzz Maverik

    ...Getting To The Devil Shit. Why? Because when I went to see THE EXORCISM O' EMILY ROSE with my brother, stunt driver Crash Maverik, he kept saying,"Build up, man. I am sick of all this build up!" and he finally screamed at the screen:"JUST GET TO THE DEVIL SHIT!" From then on, movies, comics, whatever, they'd better JUST GET TO THE DEVIL SHIT!

  • March 12, 2007, 2:23 p.m. CST

    This should surprise no one

    by El Vale

    300 doesn't reach Colombian theaters for about 2 more months...so guess who hasn't seen it yet.

  • March 12, 2007, 2:25 p.m. CST

    Know what movie's sure to get to The Devil Shit fast?

    by El Vale

    Loodabagel's Watchmen. Oh yeah, can't wait.

  • March 12, 2007, 2:32 p.m. CST

    It's the return of the Devil Shit!

    by Thalya

    We need a t-shirt..

  • March 12, 2007, 2:45 p.m. CST

    Decoder? Anyone? Bueller?

    by Psynapse

    Do I need to grow a pair of boobs?

  • March 12, 2007, 2:54 p.m. CST

    "Can we just get to the Devil Shit already?"

    by Psynapse

    Amen.

  • March 12, 2007, 3:06 p.m. CST

    No idea Psy..

    by Thalya

    I'm not even quite sure where to look..

  • March 12, 2007, 3:09 p.m. CST

    Interestingly enough

    by El Vale

    The Devil Shit could technically still be considered build up if done right.

  • March 12, 2007, 3:42 p.m. CST

    It was great, BUT…

    by The Heathen

    I dunno about the best fight choreography ever. Those is big shoes to fill miss. Also, when all of the oval (yep, oval) shaped droplets of video game blood where spraying everywhere did you notice how it just disappeared in mid air or after it hit? Kind of like the same way it would in a video game (at least last gen)? Not that it bothered me, but I found it interesting. I totally dug the hell out of the movie. Paulo didn't even bother me like he could have, only the way that was intended. The Oracle's nipples looked like they were slices of ginger next to her sushi too. Make of that what you will. Gerard Butler kicks ass. He completely owns the part of Leonidas better than I thought anyone could have. Thalya, you got to get the graphic novel. It's shiny. It really did translate the best to the big screen over all the other comic based movies I think. I'm just glad Snyder did what Rodriguez did with Sin City. Smart move. Awesome movie.

  • March 12, 2007, 3:47 p.m. CST

    "Devil Shit could technically still be considered…"

    by The Heathen

    …build up if done right." <br> <br> 300 did just that. It's the like the opposite of the prequels in that way… and the fact that it looks better and feels more real too.

  • March 12, 2007, 3:56 p.m. CST

    WHAT THE FUCK DC?!?!

    by Psynapse

    The decoder is supposed to be active on the promo page for the series ( I confirmed this with several sources) but it's 'red x'ed'. Fuckin' fuckers.......

  • March 12, 2007, 3:59 p.m. CST

    Devil shit and build up

    by Psynapse

    This sub-category only applies if there IS actual devil shit IN the buildup. Anythign else is clown shoes or shenanigans.

  • March 12, 2007, 4:08 p.m. CST

    300 spoilers

    by Shigeru

    Huh? The comics (I AM OLD SCHOOL AND HAVE THE INDIVIDUAL ISSUES, BITCHES) came out like 10 years ago. And it's based on crap that happened 2300 years ago. How are there spoilers? <br><br> Katie, you have no clue how faithful the flick was to Miller until you read the book. Holy crap.

  • March 12, 2007, 4:15 p.m. CST

    300: The Good

    by Shigeru

    Every single shot <br><br> Take a Shit Guy as Xerxes complete with Huge-ifying (tm Peter Jackson) <br><br> The time that dude's leg/arm/head got chopped off. <br><br> See above. <br><br> See above. <br><br> See above. <br><br>The way the Oracle's nipples contrasted with her alabaster skin. <br><br> Other nipples. <br><br> PHALANX! <br><br> Ephialtes. <br><br> "May you live forever" <br><br> Leonidas' BEARD. Quite possible the greatest beard in cinema history. My beard has felled nations and made women out of many a girl, but his beard could kick my beard's ass. <br><br> The one slo-mo shot where Persian dudes are getting their shit wrecked in both the foreground AND background.

  • March 12, 2007, 4:20 p.m. CST

    Shig…

    by The Heathen

    Rustee Blades said he wanted Xerxes and Leonidas to fight and for Xerxes to die. I told him that it was based on an actual battle that really happened… on Earth. That blew his mind. I actually think that the movie is better than the book in this case. Quote me on that shit. I mean it.

  • March 12, 2007, 4:21 p.m. CST

    Zombiesolutions - on today's comics

    by Movietool

    Clearly, you're the audience comics are going for nowadays, and that's cool, really. But isn't there anything in your life that you enjoy just for the visceral fun of it? Like First Person Shooters, perhaps? Now imagine if every first person shooter you played made you watch twenty minutes of Crossfire with Chris Matthews before it allowed you one minute of actual gameplay. And then, even when you are in the middle of gameplay, the zombies (no offense) keep having flashbacks to their damaged childhoods, which helps you understand why they want to eat your face. Now imagine practically every first person shooter you can buy is the same way. Especially all of the Half Life and Unreal and System Shock sequels, which you desperately want to enjoy because they were such a fun part of your childhood. That's what modern comics feel like to me. But I'm glad you're enjoying them, really.

  • March 12, 2007, 4:43 p.m. CST

    300 is Devil Shit throughout…

    by The Heathen

    I was never bored and there is most definitely Devil Shit in the build up, not just a little, but a lot.

  • March 12, 2007, 4:44 p.m. CST

    Shig, I know I have no clue.

    by Thalya

    At the same time though, it was clear as day. The camera angles, the pacing, the scene selection, the terse dialogue, the structure.. It was a liquid _moving_ comic book. It was a movie _subverted_ to the forms of a comic! And that "one slo-mo shot where Persian dudes are getting their shit wrecked in both the foreground AND background", that's the one where Leonidas leads the charge and just cuts down Persians left and right? I <3 that.

  • March 12, 2007, 4:44 p.m. CST

    PHALANX!!!

    by Thalya

    One of the greatest words ever!

  • March 12, 2007, 4:44 p.m. CST

    Wow, If Devil Shit WAS Build Up...

    by Buzz Maverik

    ...that'd be one helluva movie.

  • March 12, 2007, 4:56 p.m. CST

    Well, take The Exorcist, for example

    by El Vale

    There is Devil Shit throughout that movie, and since a story structurally builds to a climax, technically there is...well you know.

  • March 12, 2007, 4:57 p.m. CST

    *gasp*

    by Thalya

    The post ate my sentence! Must've thought it was HTML. Anyway, I _heart_ that.

  • March 12, 2007, 5:13 p.m. CST

    Abuh?

    by The Heathen

    "an unbelievably retarded movie w/ dialogue that makes Attack Of The Clones look like Shakespeare" <br> <br> Quite possibly one of the dumbest things I've ever read on this site whilst being hilarious and adding even more shock undervalue to your posts. Oh, and it's 'literate' not 'litereate'. I'll let you find the irony in that one.

  • March 12, 2007, 5:30 p.m. CST

    Zombie

    by El Vale

    You've made some interesting points lately and some of the stuff you've said has actually made me want to check out Civil War (sorry Cogs). <br><br> Thing is sometimes you come off a little strong and the point seems to get lost between all the insults, and i mean you sound like a pretty smart guy, i'm sure you agree...if you've spent enough time around people you get to the point where you realize people with different opinions than yours aren't idiots, they're simply, well...different people. Honest to god i'm not being an ass here, i'm trying to encourage friendly debate here, which is a lot cooler than calling people names and being generally hostile. This is a great place for that, i'm telling you.

  • March 12, 2007, 5:33 p.m. CST

    A ridiculous Frank Miller movie?

    by El Vale

    Go figure.

  • March 12, 2007, 5:37 p.m. CST

    Oi with the zeitgeist...

    by Thalya

    1) The 9/11 zeitgeist reached its peak in 2003 before things started getting heavy for the 2004 elections. ZombieSolutions, you're like USA Today for knowing what the zeitgeist is. <BR><BR> 2) There's currently a global warming zeitgeist though that's cresting right now. Give it a week because that's when some major articles knocking it will really start to accumulate and it'll only snowball from there (thank God!). <BR><BR> 3) The current true zeitgeist is that the public is HUNGRY for decent FUN movies and comic-based and geek-favored ones have the best track record. We can all see the crap coming a mile away in trailers and commercials anymore. That didn't affect Ghost Rider's take because ultimately it was just a fun popcorn movie (and how many movies dare to be out and out BAD instead of mediocre these days?). Hollywood, just like Marvel, has too much smugness (and not enough talent) nowadays and the less "realism," the less likely a story will have that sheen of self-importance, and that's where the money is. <BR><BR> 4) Smugness *coughmarvelcough* still sells in the comic book industry because it's niche enough to not reflect the larger population. <BR><BR> That's my take. As Human Torch would say, flame on!

  • March 12, 2007, 6:01 p.m. CST

    Zomb…

    by The Heathen

    It's ironic because of the point you were trying to make. Sure we all type stuff wrong with the lack of an edit feature, it's just amusing to me that one who holds him or herself in such high regard would make that mistake at that given point. I type shit wrong all the time, but if I'm in the minority (thankfully) of trying to prove that Marvel is going for a new group of 'literate' *double checks for correct spelling*, smart and smug readers, well of course it's ironic and funny. It's like typing, "I'm smart becuse I can spel." It loses the meaning, plus I find your insults to be childish and I've tried not to play back, but non-the-less have failed. As for 300 I didn't find it to be a glorious 'retarded' movie. I'd throw the Evil Dead series into that category, but not 300. 300 is insane and outrageous and beautiful and pumped to the max with testosterone, but I wouldn't say it's retarded. AotC's dialogue was horrible. I haven't heard one quotable line from Episode II ever mentioned and especially spoken, but 300? All weekend I heard people saying stuff like, "Madness? This… is… SPARTA!!!" "Our arrows will blot out the sun--then we will fight in the shade." Sure, they could be horrible, but it's in the delivery man and I think everyone in 300 delivered. Lucas couldn't have directed Ewan McGregor in Star Wars, well, because he didn't. If you have Natalie Portman and Ewan McGregor not delivering then it's probably not as much as their fault as the director's. Just saying. Anyway, have a good day.

  • March 12, 2007, 6:05 p.m. CST

    Every single time

    by El Vale

    Every time Kate takes one of her unsubstantiated cheap shots at Marvel, i die a little inside. <br><br> Not enough talent...

  • March 12, 2007, 6:09 p.m. CST

    Oh and before i forget

    by El Vale

    Zeitgeist.

  • March 12, 2007, 6:51 p.m. CST

    Ummm

    by El Vale

    We're back on the board people, how bout some posting?

  • March 12, 2007, 7:08 p.m. CST

    Vale!

    by The Heathen

    I'm sorry there isn't an IMAX in Colombia. 300 was made to be scene on it. Of course I'd love to get your opinion of The CW after you read it if you do. Enough of that though. <br> <br> Anyone read C.B. Cebulksi's WONDERLOST? I really enjoyed it. It's kinda what I expected the Luna's GIRLS series to be instead of giant sperm monsters and horrible pacing, but WONDERLOST was great. <br> <br> Is Baytor serious in his review of The Spirit or not? I've only read these three issues of the character so I'm unfortunately out of touch with Wil Eisner's character, but is Baytor saying that it's bad characterization done in an entertaining book? I think so, but I'm not sure. I could see how he'd have a problem with that. <br> <br> Finally read Brave and the Bold. Love Perez, story was kinda weak though. In the end it was entertaining, but nothing to write home about. I'll be back because of the art. <br> <br> Oh, I forgot who would be my first choice to draw TWILIGHT OF THE SUPERHEROES (I lied about the others) - Brian Bolland. How could I have forgotten him?

  • March 12, 2007, 7:20 p.m. CST

    Brian Bolland + TotS

    by El Vale

    I think i just came. <br><br>BRB

  • March 12, 2007, 7:21 p.m. CST

    See? There I go doing it too!

    by The Heathen

    Made to be 'seen' that is. <br> <br> So, Hobo With A Shotgun won the grindhouse trailer contest. Good form and well deserving.

  • March 12, 2007, 7:22 p.m. CST

    I took Baytor's review to mean

    by El Vale

    Who cares if Cooke took liberties concerning The Spirit's origin, the book kicks ass! <br><br> BTW i keep seeing Cooke's pulpy art in Spirit and just wishing for more Catwoman from him and Brubaker...i think i'm gonna cry.

  • March 12, 2007, 7:24 p.m. CST

    Brian Bolland + Twilight…

    by The Heathen

    is the greatest thing never to happen. If I cold seriously have three wishes, that would almost make it into the top ten. No lie.

  • March 12, 2007, 7:28 p.m. CST

    Okay, cool.

    by The Heathen

    Like I said, I'm loving the book, but I don't know what came before. Kinda like how someone might believe that Iron Man or Reed would do the stuff they did if they haven't read any Marvel books or unfamiliar with the characters. Darwyn Cooke is so splendid it amazes me. I love his panel layouts. I think I'm going to get those early Catwoman trades due to him, Bru and Vale.

  • March 12, 2007, 7:31 p.m. CST

    OMFG

    by El Vale

    You haven't read Brubaker's Catwoman?! Dude, Cooke leaves and Cameron Stewart jumps in, that's how good that fucking book is!

  • March 12, 2007, 7:33 p.m. CST

    Spirit

    by El Vale

    I like it but i don't love it. It's a little bit too lightweight for me.

  • March 12, 2007, 7:54 p.m. CST

    I need some lightweight to balance my reading.

    by The Heathen

    The Spirit does just that.

  • March 12, 2007, 8:01 p.m. CST

    Heath, you and me pal

    by El Vale

    We'll carry this fucker to the TOP, baby!

  • March 12, 2007, 8:19 p.m. CST

    You got it dude.

    by The Heathen

    I'm writing up a review of 300 for the CogSpace and me own blog. It's what the cool kids do.

  • March 12, 2007, 8:43 p.m. CST

    Damn you and your 300

    by El Vale

    Question: <br><br> How heavyweight is your read pile that you need something to balance it out?

  • March 12, 2007, 9:12 p.m. CST

    Pretty heavy.

    by The Heathen

    I've cut back a lot recently, but I've got a crazy pull list. Capes, Zombies, Jedi, Vampire Slayers, Mice, Cowboys that are Shaolin, and a lot of other stuff. I 'might' email you the official list if you're lucky. ; )

  • March 12, 2007, 9:33 p.m. CST

    Is tehre a new Shaolin Cowboy out?

    by El Vale

    Fucker makes All Star Superman seem bi weekly.

  • March 12, 2007, 9:35 p.m. CST

    Nope.

    by The Heathen

    Heh. It does make All Star Bats seem like it's bi weekly. Man, I wish it was out though.

  • March 12, 2007, 9:50 p.m. CST

    Haven't seen 300 yet...

    by loodabagel

    <p>*Sob.* I liked the comic, but ultimately didn't buy a copy. 30 dollars for an 80 page book? Screw you Dark Horse. I'm holding out for a more reasonably priced softcover that may never come.</P> <p>Heavy pulls? Bah! Mine be heavier than alla yalls. Theres SMLMJ, NewUniversal, All Star Superman, Detective Comics and Daredevil. Oh and All Star Batman. Forgot about that lil' gem.

  • March 12, 2007, 9:55 p.m. CST

    Moriarty's 300 review?

    by loodabagel

    Bah! (word of the day) We are AICN COMICS!

  • March 12, 2007, 9:57 p.m. CST

    looda…

    by The Heathen

    Good to hear from you. I thought the wilderness that is Montana consumed you. I wish my pull list was that simple, but there really is a lot more out there that is really good. Can't argue with those books though.

  • March 12, 2007, 9:58 p.m. CST

    Re: Devil Shit...

    by loodabagel

    A little late, but I'm afraid Watchmen is a little low on devil shit. UNLESS Martin Lawrence is really Satan, because there's a hilarious scene where he gets diarhea while making out with Silk Spectre.

  • March 12, 2007, 10:04 p.m. CST

    Heathen...

    by loodabagel

    You will be happy to know that I am also considering picking up Iron Fist too.

  • March 12, 2007, 10:06 p.m. CST

    That was a poorly worded sentence on my part, Vale..

    by Thalya

    I meant that only Hollywood had no talent. Marvel's got plenty of talent: Whedon, Vaughan, Bru, Cassaday, Ellis, Slott, etc..

  • March 12, 2007, 10:07 p.m. CST

    And what's with this "Kate" all of a sudden?

    by Thalya

    Huh Daniel? Heath? Ryan?

  • March 12, 2007, 10:09 p.m. CST

    Before I forget (again)

    by loodabagel

    Squashua, you are totally gay and I hate you. Nah, just kiddin' You know we're cool right? But when the AICN Civil War goes down, I'm siding with Buzz (At least if Vale's unavailable)

  • March 12, 2007, 10:14 p.m. CST

    Do you like what you do Rustee?

    by loodabagel

    C'mon. You know you want to say it...

  • March 12, 2007, 10:17 p.m. CST

    Iron Fist has been good so far.

    by The Heathen

    I'd pick up Walking Dead, Runaways, Invincible, AXM, The Spirit, Uncanny, Green Lantern, Justice League, Star Wars: Legacy or Action Comics before it though. At least you can jump in early with Iron Fist. I've seriously considered trying to only get trades of the majority of things I collect excluding my faves (All Star Supes, AXM, Walking Dead, Runaways, Green Lantern, Justice). My willpower isn't exactly on par with Hal Jordan's though. ; ) <br> <br> T, the first two are Hollywood peeps right? One way or another, everyone wants to make it in Hollywood if you're writing or directing or acting or selling tacos.

  • March 12, 2007, 10:19 p.m. CST

    My pull list

    by El Vale

    Meaning the ones i'm always sure to download and read right away: <br> All Star Supes of course <br> Y: The Last Man <br> The Walking Dead <br> MAX Punisher <br> Daredevil <br> Criminal <br> Powers <br> AXM <br> Fell <br> The Killer <br> Ult Spidey <br><br> I think that's about it. I "trade wait" for Captain America, Fables, Ex Machina, 100 Bullets and the like.

  • March 12, 2007, 10:24 p.m. CST

    "Squashua, you are totally gay and i hate you"

    by El Vale

    LOL! Thanks for that looda.

  • March 12, 2007, 10:33 p.m. CST

    Bialy

    by Squashua

    You are a hater of gays, Looda.

  • March 12, 2007, 10:33 p.m. CST

    okay fine…

    by The Heathen

    "Like fishin' on Sunday!"

  • March 12, 2007, 10:38 p.m. CST

    I'd Have Given Episode 1 Devil Shit...

    by Buzz Maverik

    Don't need tariffs or tax breaks for Ewoks, etc. Mechanoid army, possibly in league with a Sith lord, terrorizing and raiding peaceful systems. Queen Amidala of TATOOINE is in favor of each system defending itself, so her planet is attacked and she's abucted in the opening crawl. When the words are gone, a lone Jedi apprentice is seen in hot pursuit of the warship that carries her away....

  • March 12, 2007, 10:43 p.m. CST

    & Good Space Guy Dialogue Is Easy...

    by Buzz Maverik

    ...You just don't make 'em talk like space guys. The Prequel dialogue was especially bad because they DID talk like space guys.

  • March 12, 2007, 10:55 p.m. CST

    Now that i think about it

    by El Vale

    WTF was wrong with Lucas? Seriously, the guy wrote everything we always loved about the OT and then he went and wrote everything we hate about the Prequels. <br><br> It's like the guy made a conscious effort to fuck up. Can't believe the same guy who wrote Han and Leia's relationship wrote Anakin and Padme's, know what i'm saying? (Tho' "I know" was Harrison Ford's line, but still)

  • March 12, 2007, 11:29 p.m. CST

    If Devil Shit was build-up...

    by Thalya

    nah, ew, let's not go there...

  • March 13, 2007, 6:09 a.m. CST

    George Lucas didn't write EMPIRE STRIKES BACK...

    by stones_throw

    That was Lawrence Kasdan and Leigh Brackett. I think they also came up with Darth Vader being Luke's father and all.<p>In unfortunate sexual innuendo territory, this week's Detective Comics ended with the villain shooting his sticky load all over Robin. Otherwise it was a very good issue, better than many of the Dini issues for me, which have been disappointing bar a few great issues. What's Green Lantern like? I'm something of a Marvel Zombie looking for some good DC comics to get into, but I don't know much about the characters or history.

  • March 13, 2007, 8:29 a.m. CST

    Fuck 'Twilight'

    by Psynapse

    Hey if YOU wanna see that Captain Marvel boned his sister and had a kid by her to each his own. For me? NO THANKS.

  • March 13, 2007, 8:34 a.m. CST

    stones_throw, re 'Tec

    by Thalya

    Well, that image was on the cover, too.. But really, I think Stuart Moore got his inspiration from this: http://tinyurl.com/yv8ua8

  • March 13, 2007, 9:23 a.m. CST

    Ah classic Batman...

    by loodabagel

    A friend recently introduced to that site and I gotta say I'm a big fan of the Superman covers where he blatantly kills Lois.

  • March 13, 2007, 9:44 a.m. CST

    Suck it Moriarty...

    by loodabagel

    yup.

  • March 13, 2007, 9:47 a.m. CST

    Are those...

    by loodabagel

    Eva Longoria's tits on the Hard Times ad?

  • March 13, 2007, 9:48 a.m. CST

    Really...

    by loodabagel

    I have no idea what I'm looking at.

  • March 13, 2007, 9:49 a.m. CST

    I am coming for you 24!

    by loodabagel

    Prepare for ultimate power!

  • March 13, 2007, 9:59 a.m. CST

    You are not catching up with me...

    by loodabagel

    Are you bitch?

  • March 13, 2007, 10:09 a.m. CST

    Um....TITS!

    by GreatA'Tuin

    Everybody likes those, right? Good! I don't want to know what kind of hell-spawned, God-forsaken place could be inhabited by those who don't like tits. Whereever it is, it's probably foreign.....and communist. Yeah, Commies don't like tits....they sure do like Civil War though. ZombieSolutions? What DOES Joey Q'd cock tast like? I'm bettin' on a slsa soaked marshmellow, but please, enlighten us. <p> That is all for now.

  • March 13, 2007, 10:09 a.m. CST

    Um....TITS!

    by GreatA'Tuin

    Everybody likes those, right? Good! I don't want to know what kind of hell-spawned, God-forsaken place could be inhabited by those who don't like tits. Whereever it is, it's probably foreign.....and communist. Yeah, Commies don't like tits....they sure do like Civil War though. ZombieSolutions? What DOES Joey Q's cock taste like? I'm bettin' on a salsa soaked marshmallow, but please, enlighten us. <p> That is all for now.

  • March 13, 2007, 10:09 a.m. CST

    Seriously motherfucker...

    by loodabagel

    I am keeping tabs on you. Don't even try.

  • March 13, 2007, 10:15 a.m. CST

    Actaully...

    by loodabagel

    <p>Al Quesada has an inverted dick, so I don't know if it's possible to suck it. Maybe if he's got really stratchy lips...</p> Fuck! Tits!

  • March 13, 2007, 10:15 a.m. CST

    Double posts?

    by loodabagel

    Yeah, I can go for that.

  • March 13, 2007, 10:16 a.m. CST

    I said...

    by loodabagel

    DOUBLE POSTS!

  • March 13, 2007, 10:16 a.m. CST

    I said...

    by loodabagel

    DOUBLE POSTS!

  • March 13, 2007, 10:19 a.m. CST

    Arrrgh!

    by GreatA'Tuin

    Edit! Up! In! This! Bitch! <p> Serial! It's great that we can line-break and all, but fuck me, at least give me a spell-checker. I've got too much shit goin's down to be all grammatical an' shit.

  • March 13, 2007, 10:30 a.m. CST

    Garmmars fur girls.

    by loodabagel

    an gtkoprew qwewd

  • March 13, 2007, 10:45 a.m. CST

    MY SECRET INDENTITYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    by Shigeru

    Thank you all for coming. My name is Ryan and I've been Shigeru since I was twenty-three years old.

  • March 13, 2007, 10:50 a.m. CST

    Shig...

    by GreatA'Tuin

    TRAITOR!

  • March 13, 2007, 10:52 a.m. CST

    zombiesolutions

    by Shigeru

    Even though I disagree with your thoughts on Marvel and CW in a big way, I have to hand it to you. You are much more well-spoken and have clearer arguments than the usual douche trolls that stop by. I'm not calling you a douche troll, btw. I was serious... thanks for not flaming out.

  • March 13, 2007, 10:57 a.m. CST

    Why does it burn when I pee?

    by Psynapse

    Just wonderin'......

  • March 13, 2007, 11:05 a.m. CST

    ZombieSolutions....

    by GreatA'Tuin

    ...is the WORST kind of troll. He uses dem school words an all, tryin' speak like he better den us po' foke. When in reality, and I don't remeber who said it before nor can I be buggered to go and find out, he IS just like "ponytail douche" in Good Will Hunting. An enhanced vocabulary masking knee-jerk reactions that are totally devoid of original thought. <p> But then, that's just my opinion. I'm only carrying theworld on my back.

  • March 13, 2007, 11:21 a.m. CST

    Dammit!

    by GreatA'Tuin

    I broke the TB again.

  • March 13, 2007, 11:26 a.m. CST

    Heterogeneous Linguistics.....

    by Psynapse

    Usually obfuscate ratiocination when applied so perfunctorily. In other words: Big fucking whoop, big words don't mean shit when you're trying to pass off an abortion as a healthy newborn. Nice try but we ain't impressed with them thar' book-like words. PS-Civil War=Marvel Universe/Uncanny Valley and that's the facts jack.

  • March 13, 2007, 11:28 a.m. CST

    Shig was acting out of character.

    by The Heathen

    He never would have revealed his identity. I'm pretty sure Al Quesada is to blame for this.

  • March 13, 2007, 11:38 a.m. CST

    stones_throw re: Green Lantern, DC comics

    by The Heathen

    I was always interested in Green Lantern but knew nothing about the character until I read Green Lantern: Rebirth. I'd start there and then get the first couple of trades of the ongoing series after that. It's one of my favorite reads every month. Great art too. Everyone from Ethan Van Sciver, Ivan Reis, Simone Bianchi and more. Other DC books? Justice League relaunch has been awesome. Try Justice Society, but that's not everyone's cup of tea. There's always the Batman and Superman books too, all of which have been better than they have in a long time. Hope that helps.

  • March 13, 2007, 11:39 a.m. CST

    Al Quesada and Brian Michael Bin Laden...

    by GreatA'Tuin

    WILL NEVER HAVE DOMINION OVER MY EVER-LOVIN' COGS! <p> Well, maybe over Vale, but that's only through his own wishes. Vale is Colombian and awesome after all, and if he wanted to hate the House of Mediocrity, he could. He's just cool like that.

  • March 13, 2007, 12:44 p.m. CST

    One of the ugliest things I've seen since 'Iron Spidey'

    by The Heathen

    http://tinyurl.com/2jhz2u

  • March 13, 2007, 1:20 p.m. CST

    Since when

    by Psynapse

    Did Newsarama start posting pics of Al Quesada's ass? Oh wait, that's supposed to be 'art'?!? Ho-kaaaayyy.....hm..well....all righty then....

  • March 13, 2007, 2:15 p.m. CST

    I'm not saying since he uses big words he's smart...

    by Shigeru

    I was just saying since he used big words he didn't come off as such of a drooling mongoloid retard. And besides...we are talking about OPINIONS here, right? I mean, OURS is RIGHT, but it's still an opinion ;)

  • March 13, 2007, 2:16 p.m. CST

    Twilight

    by El Vale

    Dude, just imagine all that Moore-penned, Bolland-drawn incest! *Drools* <br><br> Seriously which one's Captain Marvel again?

  • March 13, 2007, 2:18 p.m. CST

    Newsarama

    by Shigeru

    I can't believe there are people on that stupid website DEFENDING that ugly ass POS cap/punisher abortion. I mean, sweet merciful crap...

  • March 13, 2007, 2:24 p.m. CST

    If Preacher taught me anything at all

    by El Vale

    It is this: <br><br> Incest only has two very definitive outcomes; you either get piss all over your one eye or a really fat guy lands on you. <br><br> Suffer the little children! Humperdumperdidoo!

  • March 13, 2007, 2:42 p.m. CST

    "Which one is Captain Marvel"?!?

    by Psynapse

    ...........

  • March 13, 2007, 2:43 p.m. CST

    Can we add signatures to our posts?

    by GreatA'Tuin

    Cause mine would be: <p> "Incest only has two very definitive outcomes; you either get piss all over your one eye or a really fat guy lands on you." - El Vale

  • March 13, 2007, 2:45 p.m. CST

    Vale is not from the US

    by Shigeru

    And he really doesn't like that many mainstream comic books. <br>What's hard to believe about him not knowing who Captain Marvel is? <br>Maybe he was kidding.

  • March 13, 2007, 2:49 p.m. CST

    haha

    by Shigeru

    "It all started the day TC fucked that chicken" <br> I heart Preacher.

  • March 13, 2007, 2:49 p.m. CST

    Captain Marvel....

    by GreatA'Tuin

    is the one who fucked his sister. But it's OK, cause he's really only 13 so it's not pedo or anything.

  • March 13, 2007, 2:55 p.m. CST

    13, fucked his sister?

    by El Vale

    I'm getting Lost Girls flashbacks.

  • March 13, 2007, 2:58 p.m. CST

    People are still here?

    by rev_skarekroe

    Oh I see, it's the same 3 or 4 people posting over and over again.

  • March 13, 2007, 2:59 p.m. CST

    Punisher new Captain America?

    by El Vale

    When pressed for comments MAX Punisher said "What? No" and then proceeded to poke out that Russian mobster's eye and feed it to him.

  • March 13, 2007, 3 p.m. CST

    ALL WEEK cog smooches

    by Shigeru

    and you're just jealous.

  • March 13, 2007, 3:02 p.m. CST

    Yeah Rev

    by El Vale

    You can get the fuck out of here if you don't like it.

  • March 13, 2007, 3:04 p.m. CST

    Psy ADORES the Big Red Cheese

    by Psynapse

    I used to read THE FUCK out of those giant size Marvel Family books. (DC had them for The Superman family, Batman family, & Marvel Family 80 page giants all of 'em).PLEASE NOTE: He is THE ORIGINAL Captain Marvel, Marvel's version is a FUCKIN' POSER.)

  • March 13, 2007, 3:08 p.m. CST

    I have done my research on Captain Marvel

    by El Vale

    I thought his name was Shazam.

  • March 13, 2007, 3:13 p.m. CST

    That's what his book was called.

    by GreatA'Tuin

    Marvel had the copyright on the name as long as they kept "a" Captain Marvel in print in some way, shape or form. At least that's how I understand it. <p> Oh, and Shig, stop defending the trolls. You'll only encourage them. ZombieFucker is just that, and a prick to boot. <p> ...zeitgeist?....that game sucked!

  • March 13, 2007, 3:17 p.m. CST

    aka "The World's Mightest Mortal"

    by Psynapse

    'Cuz he IS. (bitches)

  • March 13, 2007, 3:18 p.m. CST

    I guess he qualifies...

    by GreatA'Tuin

    Since Turtle is immortal and all.

  • March 13, 2007, 3:18 p.m. CST

    MIGHTIEST

    by Psynapse

    GODDAMN TYPOS...WHERE THE FUCK IS MY EDIT FEATURE BITCH!?!?!?

  • March 13, 2007, 3:18 p.m. CST

    Us Cogs are a feisty bunch.

    by The Heathen

    Seriously though, who doesn't know that we do this ALL WEEK? Coming up on two years this June.

  • March 13, 2007, 3:24 p.m. CST

    Shazam?

    by The Heathen

    Wasn't that the movie with Shaq? No wait, that was Kazaam. ; ) <BR> <BR> Seriously though, the Shazam movie in development is going to be directed by the guy who did the Longest Yard remake. I think the script is in capable hands (although I forget who?) but still. How likely is it that Adam Sandler is going to be Captain Marvel? While we're at it my pick would be and still is, Brendan Fraser.

  • March 13, 2007, 3:27 p.m. CST

    Actually....

    by Psynapse

    OG Cap was owned by Fawcett which was sued by DC, went bankrupt, sold Cap to DC and here you are. Marvel tried co-opting the name in 60's with THEIR verson. DC started printing Cap in the '70's but had to put 'Shazam' on the covers thank to Marvel's legal antics with the name.

  • March 13, 2007, 3:29 p.m. CST

    Wait....

    by GreatA'Tuin

    carry the one...add the remainder... <p> I'M A DAMNED NEAR SEASONED VETERAN! <p> It's comin' up on a year for me in the Cogs. June 21st. Fuck me.

  • March 13, 2007, 3:34 p.m. CST

    ZombieSolutions, you and I

    by Movietool

    are clearly on opposite ends of the spectrum. A better representation of today's comic fan vs. yesterday's comic fan you couldn't find. As such, Marvel and DC will gain readers like you who want a little "substance" in their superhero stories, and keep losing readers like me (and my children) who want the endless slugfest-o-fun. Of course, I stand by my view that the endless slugfests are better comics - because good ones depended on imagination and storytelling. Civil War was as imaginative as VCR instructions and had all the storytelling prowess of a six-year-old describing grass growing. Obviously, that's my opinion. Ah, well, there's always back-issues.

  • March 13, 2007, 3:59 p.m. CST

    Well said, Movietool.

    by The Heathen

    "endless slugfests are better comics - because good ones depended on imagination and storytelling." <br> <br> I'd take a slugfest with great imagination over an allegory that's as fun as an instruction manual anyday.

  • March 13, 2007, 4:02 p.m. CST

    What Heath said

    by Psynapse

    AMEN (A-MOTHERFUCKING-MEN BITCHES).

  • March 13, 2007, 4:04 p.m. CST

    2 years?!

    by El Vale

    Fuck, i'm getting old.

  • March 13, 2007, 4:10 p.m. CST

    YOU'RE getting old?!?!?!

    by Psynapse

    Like steamed fuck you are. <p>Movietool-you ROCK. *mwah*

  • March 13, 2007, 4:22 p.m. CST

    Heh…

    by The Heathen

    "steamed fuck"

  • March 13, 2007, 4:44 p.m. CST

    Comics don't HAVE to be fun

    by El Vale

    They do have to be engaging, tho'. Sorry non-engaging comics.

  • March 13, 2007, 4:53 p.m. CST

    they do if it involves all of the 616 universe…

    by The Heathen

    BAY-BEEEE!!!!!!

  • March 13, 2007, 5:03 p.m. CST

    Well not exactly

    by El Vale

    I mean, sure fun is um...cool and stuff, but say you're reading this really well written arc like...Daredevil o something; it's the penultimate issue and the shit has hit the fan, dude, i mean OMFG! You're actually scared for Matt's well being. I has knocked you in the ass and engaged you on an emotional level. You're not gonna go "Oh fuck this shit, i thought comics were supposed to be fun!" <br><br> Or maybe that's just me talking out of my ass, who knows? Answer: No one.

  • March 13, 2007, 5:12 p.m. CST

    But Vale..

    by Thalya

    What you're describing IS fun!

  • March 13, 2007, 5:14 p.m. CST

    I guess my point is

    by El Vale

    It doesn't necessarily HAVE to include a giant superpowered slugfest complete with banter and a monkey flinging his shit at passersby to be a proper Marvel comic.

  • March 13, 2007, 5:22 p.m. CST

    Well then it depends on what you and i call fun

    by El Vale

    To me, that's not "fun". It's entertaining, sure, but it doesn't really fit with my definition of fun (and yes my definition of fun includes a monkey flinging his shit at passersby, make of that what you will)

  • March 13, 2007, 5:26 p.m. CST

    Err, not really…

    by The Heathen

    IF the book has the ENTIRE Marvel Universe you better believe fun should be had. Now that's not saying it should all be shits and giggles, but somewhere in the 6, 7 or 12 or however many issues the mini-mega event is - there should indeed be some fun. The CW was many things. It was pretty to look at, it was a political allegory, it was horrible, but it in no way was ever fun. Not. One. Fun. Scene. Take something like the original Crisis. It had the death of Barry Allen and Supergirl, but I'll be damned if it didn't intersperse the drama with some smart slugfests and other things besides… boring allegory.

  • March 13, 2007, 5:32 p.m. CST

    Here's the default example…

    by The Heathen

    The Empire Strikes Back. What a downer of a movie right? Luke gets his hand cut off by his just revealed father who is the supreme evil of the universe. Hans frozen in carbonite. Rebels are on the run. Are you telling me that you didn't have fun during that even though it was dark and melancholy? Plus, there's a monkey throwing poop in the background on Dagobah. True story. Swear to Gob.

  • March 13, 2007, 5:36 p.m. CST

    Well if it's the entire Marvel U, sure whatever

    by El Vale

    Apparently we're talking about two entirely different things. <br><br> BTW i seem to remember this really kickass action scene with Captain America in CV #1 where he like started riding a fighter jet or something like that. I guess fun doesn't count as fun as long as we're being biased.

  • March 13, 2007, 5:43 p.m. CST

    But why are you trying to contradict

    by El Vale

    Things i never said? I'm saying it doesn't ALL have to be fun and adventure and laughs and shit, which would in turn mean it doesn't ALL have to be gloom and doom and drama. <br><br> My vote for default example would be Preacher: Some of it is more fun than i've ever had reading a superhero comic, and it's outrageous and fucking hilarious ta boot. But when the shit hits the fan, it fucking hits the fan and you feel it! You fear for the characters and when things are fucked up you feel how fucked they are and it gets to you because you care about those characters so damn much. And it wouldn't be Preacher if it was just the one tone and approach.

  • March 13, 2007, 5:47 p.m. CST

    Punisher America...

    by loodabagel

    Needs more pouches! Oh, and he also needs to get the fuck out of Joey Da Q's asshole and back to kicking the shit out of people in Punisher Max. Removal of mobsters' intestines? If that aint fun, I don't know what is.

  • March 13, 2007, 5:47 p.m. CST

    I'm going out with friends

    by El Vale

    But i'll be back. Oh yes, i'll be back.

  • March 13, 2007, 5:49 p.m. CST

    Ya know...

    by loodabagel

    This is a pretty powerful tb. Shit. They should just put us in charge of comic books.

  • March 13, 2007, 5:51 p.m. CST

    I call Marvel and BKV...

    by loodabagel

    The rest of you may squabble over the rest.

  • March 13, 2007, 5:56 p.m. CST

    Whoa Whoa Whoa!

    by loodabagel

    Hold up Zombie problems. Are you saying that Hank Pym powerfists superheroes? Are you saying that MS Marvel delivers strawberry milkshakes? That is just too much for a good ol boy like me. I'm outta here.

  • March 13, 2007, 6:18 p.m. CST

    Zomb, I agree with a great majority of that.

    by The Heathen

    Especially concerning our government. Where I differ is the route Marvel has taken. I'd prefer the escapist route despite the numbers (more on that in a moment) and shock value tactics. I'd take this ** http://tinyurl.com/3y8mou ** over this ** http://tinyurl.com/2sxkdp ** any day, especially when our country is crumbling beneath foolish and inane leadership. Why do I want to read a comic that so closely resembles how shitty life is? I want to… escape, at least when I read Captain America or Iron Man or Fantastic Four or Spider-Man, etc. The CW may closely resemble a great many of the things you mentioned, but being able to do so doesn't mean it's a good story. I look at The CW as I do our current leadership and it's decisions, with a big WTF? If you told your future son what happened these past few years in history he'd say it sounds like it was a time of bullshit. Same goes for the majority of Marvel's universe and the allegory The CW was. As for the numbers? Well, that's an argument that holds no real credence. By that logic you're saying that the remake of Godzilla was fantastic because it made over $400 Millon dollars. Something could sell the hell out of something, but it doesn't mean that it's good OR that people prefer it that way. Do you really think that The CW would have sold less if it had Tony wake up from his delusions and team up with Cap and kick the shit out of SHIELD or the imposing government? That would have sold just as well.

  • March 13, 2007, 6:21 p.m. CST

    *snarf* Junior used the word "memes"!

    by Thalya

    Give me a fucking break.<BR><BR>Dude, Civil War was apparently custom built for you. Call me when when you grow out of drinking Kool-Aid. Or better, just take the self-importance out of your argument. I'd hate to bruise your ego by firing back. (and for that matter, how much of your screed actually pertains to Civil War itself? You went totally off-topic there.)

  • March 13, 2007, 6:24 p.m. CST

    Look....ZombieSecretions

    by GreatA'Tuin

    No one said comics couldn't be topical. They just better be fucking good. They should also NOT fucking use established characters to tell stories that are not about them, pay no respect to their previous characterization, only exist to fulfill some ham fisted ultimatum by a bald douchebag who isn't even the fucking EiC, and lastly...suck. <p> Civil War sucked. It was the suckiest suck that ever sucked, to quote a great man. House of M sucked. Avengers: Dissasembled sucked. Currently Marvel sucks, with the notable exeptions of Brubaker, Whedon and maybe BKV, if my Cogs are to be believed. (Sorry Cogs, I've not read any of his shit yet). <p> Furthermore, you suck. You see, when Vale defends the undefendable, he does it without saying that people who disagree with him are fools, children, uneducated or myopic. You, on the other hand, speak as if you are the sole voice of intelligence and educated thought. Thus, you lose any argument before you begin. For all your vaunted vocabulary, and apperently passionate debate, you still come off as a troll. Which, contrary toi Marvel currently, is fun for me.

  • March 13, 2007, 7:34 p.m. CST

    Uncle Sam & The Freedom Fighters

    by Psynapse

    Now THERE'S a comics book that manages to be completely political, balanced to both sides, and fun as all get out. Oh and hey, it's QUITE zeitgeisty (we've whedonized a word here folks) because if you can't see the message (for conservatives and liberals alike no less!)you're one dense motherfucker. <p> Other than CW's 'reshape the Marvel U. landscape' thrust, CW is completely outshined by US&TFF on every single story level and beat. Suck it Millar, Palmiotti and Gray KICKED YOUR ASS.

  • March 13, 2007, 8:40 p.m. CST

    No. 4!

    by Psynapse

    Take that Moriarty/300 TB!

  • March 13, 2007, 9:12 p.m. CST

    Pynapse

    by dregmobile

    Does Freedom Fighters end well? Is it worth grabbing the trade if they trade it?

  • March 13, 2007, 9:53 p.m. CST

    Season 8 bitches.

    by The Heathen

    Buffy. That's right. Buffy.

  • March 13, 2007, 10:29 p.m. CST

    Speaking of Whedonizing..

    by Thalya

    Ever notice how commonplace Whedonspeak is anymore? It's a silent revolution if ever I saw (er, heard) one!<BR><BR><BR>*looks back up over this TB* oh my.. it's like the good old days, guys! I love you, men! *gets all weepy*

  • March 13, 2007, 11:51 p.m. CST

    enjoy it...

    by blackthought

    u know...

  • March 14, 2007, 12:28 a.m. CST

    Did you see that?!

    by El Vale

    "Give me a fucking break" <br><br> "Call me when when you grow out of drinking Kool-Aid" <br><br> Thal that was HAWT!

  • March 14, 2007, 12:30 a.m. CST

    What is this Whedonizing you speak of?

    by El Vale

    I have returned from my travels. Had a good one, tell you that. Now enlighten me people!

  • March 14, 2007, 8:51 a.m. CST

    *blinks*

    by Thalya

    Vale, dude, beware of this becoming a fire and ice relationship.. But in the meantime, aBUH? Wha? I missed something...

  • March 14, 2007, 8:56 a.m. CST

    And also..

    by Thalya

    Whedonizing requires a certain mindset to answer appropriately, so if someone else doesn't answer it first, I'm generating said mindset.

  • March 14, 2007, 9:45 a.m. CST

    Whedon-speak?

    by loodabagel

    <p>Something else for me to learn. Currently I'm taking my final exams on Bendis-talk</p> <p>He ate the cake?</p> <p>He ate the cake.</p> <p>HE ate the cake?</p> <p>Yes.</p> <p>Wow.</p> <p>Huh. He ate the cake.</p> <p>Yep</p> <p>Well hey.</p> <p>Cake.</p> <p>I know.</p> <p>Cake</p> <p>Cake.</p> <p>Cake.</p>

  • March 14, 2007, 9:47 a.m. CST

    FUCK TRAMSFORMERS!

    by loodabagel

    WE ARE NUMBER 3!!!

  • March 14, 2007, 9:47 a.m. CST

    FUCK TRAMSFORMERS!

    by loodabagel

    WE ARE NUMBER 3!!!

  • March 14, 2007, 9:47 a.m. CST

    FUCK TRAMSFORMERS!

    by loodabagel

    WE ARE NUMBER 3!!!

  • March 14, 2007, 9:47 a.m. CST

    FUCK TRAMSFORMERS!

    by loodabagel

    WE ARE NUMBER 3!!!

  • March 14, 2007, 9:47 a.m. CST

    FUCK TRAMSFORMERS!

    by loodabagel

    WE ARE NUMBER 3!!!

  • March 14, 2007, 9:47 a.m. CST

    FUCK TRAMSFORMERS!

    by loodabagel

    WE ARE NUMBER 3!!!

  • March 14, 2007, 9:48 a.m. CST

    FUCK TRAMSFORMERS!

    by loodabagel

    WE ARE NUMBER 3!!!

  • March 14, 2007, 9:48 a.m. CST

    FUCK TRAMSFORMERS!

    by loodabagel

    WE ARE NUMBER 3!!!

  • March 14, 2007, 9:48 a.m. CST

    FUCK TRAMSFORMERS!

    by loodabagel

    WE ARE NUMBER 3!!!

  • March 14, 2007, 9:48 a.m. CST

    FUCK TRAMSFORMERS!

    by loodabagel

    WE ARE NUMBER 3!!!

  • March 14, 2007, 9:48 a.m. CST

    FUCK TRAMSFORMERS!

    by loodabagel

    WE ARE NUMBER 3!!!

  • March 14, 2007, 9:48 a.m. CST

    FUCK TRAMSFORMERS!

    by loodabagel

    WE ARE NUMBER 3!!!

  • March 14, 2007, 9:48 a.m. CST

    FUCK TRAMSFORMERS!

    by loodabagel

    WE ARE NUMBER 3!!!

  • March 14, 2007, 9:51 a.m. CST

    FUCK TRANSFORMERS!

    by loodabagel

    WE ARE NUMBER 3!!!

  • March 14, 2007, 9:51 a.m. CST

    FUCK TRANSFORMERS!

    by loodabagel

    WE ARE NUMBER 3!!!

  • March 14, 2007, 9:51 a.m. CST

    FUCK TRANSFORMERS!

    by loodabagel

    WE ARE NUMBER 3!!!

  • March 14, 2007, 9:51 a.m. CST

    FUCK TRANSFORMERS!

    by loodabagel

    WE ARE NUMBER 3!!!

  • March 14, 2007, 9:51 a.m. CST

    FUCK TRANSFORMERS!

    by loodabagel

    WE ARE NUMBER 3!!!

  • March 14, 2007, 9:51 a.m. CST

    FUCK TRANSFORMERS!

    by loodabagel

    WE ARE NUMBER 3!!!

  • March 14, 2007, 9:51 a.m. CST

    FUCK TRANSFORMERS!

    by loodabagel

    WE ARE NUMBER 3!!!

  • March 14, 2007, 9:51 a.m. CST

    FUCK TRANSFORMERS!

    by loodabagel

    WE ARE NUMBER 3!!!

  • March 14, 2007, 9:51 a.m. CST

    FUCK TRANSFORMERS!

    by loodabagel

    WE ARE NUMBER 3!!!

  • March 14, 2007, 9:52 a.m. CST

    FUCK TRANSFORMERS!

    by loodabagel

    WE ARE NUMBER 3!!!

  • March 14, 2007, 9:52 a.m. CST

    FUCK TRANSFORMERS!

    by loodabagel

    WE ARE NUMBER 3!!!

  • March 14, 2007, 10:11 a.m. CST

    FUCK TRANSFORMERS!

    by loodabagel

    WE ARE NUMBER 3!!!

  • March 14, 2007, 10:11 a.m. CST

    FUCK TRANSFORMERS!

    by loodabagel

    WE ARE NUMBER 3!!!

  • March 14, 2007, 10:11 a.m. CST

    FUCK TRANSFORMERS!

    by loodabagel

    WE ARE NUMBER 3!!!

  • March 14, 2007, 10:11 a.m. CST

    FUCK TRANSFORMERS!

    by loodabagel

    WE ARE NUMBER 3!!!

  • March 14, 2007, 10:11 a.m. CST

    FUCK TRANSFORMERS!

    by loodabagel

    WE ARE NUMBER 3!!!

  • March 14, 2007, 10:11 a.m. CST

    FUCK TRANSFORMERS!

    by loodabagel

    WE ARE NUMBER 3!!!

  • March 14, 2007, 10:11 a.m. CST

    FUCK TRANSFORMERS!

    by loodabagel

    WE ARE NUMBER 3!!!

  • March 14, 2007, 10:11 a.m. CST

    FUCK TRANSFORMERS!

    by loodabagel

    WE ARE NUMBER 3!!!

  • March 14, 2007, 10:11 a.m. CST

    FUCK TRANSFORMERS!

    by loodabagel

    WE ARE NUMBER 3!!!

  • March 14, 2007, 10:11 a.m. CST

    FUCK TRANSFORMERS!

    by loodabagel

    WE ARE NUMBER 3!!!

  • March 14, 2007, 10:11 a.m. CST

    FUCK TRANSFORMERS!

    by loodabagel

    WE ARE NUMBER 3!!!

  • March 14, 2007, 10:11 a.m. CST

    FUCK TRANSFORMERS!

    by loodabagel

    WE ARE NUMBER 3!!!

  • March 14, 2007, 10:12 a.m. CST

    FUCK TRANSFORMERS!

    by loodabagel

    WE ARE NUMBER 3!!!

  • March 14, 2007, 10:12 a.m. CST

    FUCK TRANSFORMERS!

    by loodabagel

    WE ARE NUMBER 3!!!

  • March 14, 2007, 10:17 a.m. CST

    oi looda..

    by Thalya

    The posts are just going to get deleted, y'know dear?

  • March 14, 2007, 10:27 a.m. CST

    It's the thought that counts...

    by loodabagel

    Also-Fuck Transformers.

  • March 14, 2007, 10:32 a.m. CST

    as they should be...

    by blackthought

    hmm...ron pearlman as the comedian?...i so could see that.

  • March 14, 2007, 11:16 a.m. CST

    ZombieS

    by Shigeru

    Not only do you rub Thal the wrong way in comic taste, but you went and delved into current politics too! <br>Turtle and her are our resident republicans, but we forgive them. ;)

  • March 14, 2007, 11:39 a.m. CST

    looda…

    by The Heathen

    Love the Bendis talk! That made me laugh my ass off. Good one. The multiple posts? Not so much. We don't want us to become anything like that dreaded Aquaf@g talkback. If it was about the numbers (it's not) we could all decide on one AICN Comics tb and post there ALL WEEK and nothing could compare. But like I said, it's not about the numbers. Numbers don't make quality. *coughs* Ron Pearlman as The Comedian? He could do it. Hopefully Snyder has a lot more bidding power with the cast after the money 300 has made.

  • March 14, 2007, 11:44 a.m. CST

    I'm a registered independent, mind you.

    by Thalya

    But just because Republicans suck at PR doesn't mean I'm going to vote Democratic by a longshot.

  • March 14, 2007, 11:57 a.m. CST

    and so it begins…

    by The Heathen

    the politics talk has begun. Hopefully the new column will cut that off before one of us gets lost in the Cog Mansion of Mystery.

  • March 14, 2007, 12:01 p.m. CST

    heh..

    by Thalya

    Just a point of clarification, is all, H. Gah, pleeeaassee let that talk end right there. It doesn't do any of us a bit of good. Besides you should all be aiming your tomatoes at me for still not reading Watchmen, not my politics. ;P

  • March 14, 2007, 12:40 p.m. CST

    RepubliCAN, not a republican't!

    by GreatA'Tuin

    Look just because I was raised right(leaning) doesn't mean I'm a moron. I contest that the current regime is NOT republican. They are fascist. They have royally screwed EVERYONE'S pooch in almost all regards. (You do have to give them credit for actually, you know, catching the fucker.) <p> That said, Kerry is a limp-wristed elitest, who for all his ballyhoo got WORSE grades in college than Bush. <p> Personally, I'm voting for myself next year. My platform is simple. I am a conniving, cheating, stealing hypocritical fascitst who wants everyone to fall in line two steps behind me....but I'm honest about it, and am not above taking bribes and kick-backs. So that said, vote for me, get on my good side and it'll be champagne filled jacuzzi baths with a porn star to clean/suck your cock. (See what I did there Psy. I didn't specify which kind of porn star. You can take your pick, and if you want, I'll put tits on him against his will if I have to.) <p> Turtle in '08: I'll make the Bush look good, I promise. *big fake shiny smile*

  • March 14, 2007, 1:17 p.m. CST

    don't most males...

    by blackthought

    lean to the left?...i mean politically of coarse.

  • March 14, 2007, 2:36 p.m. CST

    Freedom Fighters and Zeitgeist

    by Homer Sexual

    'Btw, "zeitgeist" refers to "spirit of the age", say, the driving psycho-social narrative that plays out throughout a given era; given that we live in such turbulant, civilization crumbling, world destroying times, the artforms which express this "spirit of the age," would (or should) likewise be challenging, daring, and thought-provoking.' Well that is certainly true, ZS, but what in the world does that have to do with Civil War???? I agree that Freedom Fighters captured the zeitgeist well, was extremely entertaining, had excellent characterization and art, was "fair" to "both sides," had a good story... all things I believe CW was not. But I hated issue #1 and was waiting to hear how it ended before picking it up, and with such a super craptacular ending, will have to miss it.

  • March 14, 2007, 2:45 p.m. CST

    Ron Pearlman as The Comedian

    by El Vale

    Now that is great casting. I loves me some Ron Pearlman.

  • March 14, 2007, 5 p.m. CST

    I Can Attest To The Atrocities In The Secret Prisons.

    by Buzz Maverik

    It is a little known fact that President Bush is a Bendii (Dubya and BMB were in Skull & Bones together at Yale) and that he's been upset with the @$$holes for their repeated mockery of Bendis. He dispatched a pair of Men In Black to bring in Ambush Bug. I answered the door at the @$$hole Clubhouse and quickly assessed the situation, these being my peops, what with my scholarship from MK-Ultra and all. Knowing that Bug is the sensitive type who wouldn't do well on the Inside, I said, "Yeah, I wrote the blah-blah-blah and zzzz reviews." Quicker than you could say, "Trade for cigarettes", I was shipped to this giant, glass dome in the middle of the Atlantic called The Aquarium. It was Hell on the High Seas, let me tell you. First of all, no Herradura. Just Cuervo. I'm supposed to drink that swill? And don't get me started on the cigars. My palatte has to have Cuban, I can't take Dominican or Jamaican. Now, I took a vow of celibacy myself, but my cell mate Al Franken had arranged for a conjugal visit and had expressly asked for Scarlett Johanson. Kirsten Dunst is fine, but Al is a real Scarlett Jo fan. The food was slop -- that was not what I call a LOADED baked potato by any stretch of the imagination. And the only comics they had for us to read...CIVIL WAR. Fortunately, I was able to make an acetelyne torch out of some old tuna can and lighter fluid in the prison shop. Melting down candy bar wrappers, I made myself a wet suit and even built a go-fast boat out of f-upped license plates and made my way to freedom. I worked out a deal with the President, using my psychic abilities in the Company's remote viewing operation in exchange for a full pardon. I was the one who first spotted Saddam Hussein. I told the military, "He's in a hole in Iraq. How the hell do I know which one? Start looking in holes until you find him."

  • March 14, 2007, 5:21 p.m. CST

    Ron Perlman is a no-go!

    by loodabagel

    Unfortunately, I've already completed the film with Martin Lawrence.

  • March 14, 2007, 7:05 p.m. CST

    So there's this new column up

    by El Vale

    I swear!

  • March 15, 2007, 9:18 a.m. CST

    LAST!

    by Psynapse

    BITCHES.....

  • March 15, 2007, 10:12 a.m. CST

    so you think

    by Shigeru

    mwa. ha. ha.

  • March 16, 2007, 1 p.m. CST

    oh god

    by blackthought

    ...last...

  • March 16, 2007, 1:02 p.m. CST

    Last it is

    by Squashua

    ;)

  • March 16, 2007, 5:22 p.m. CST

    PANTS ON DUCKS = FLAMES ON NIPPLES

    by zombieslayer

    I can't believe you assholes went there. Also, LAST!!!

  • March 20, 2007, 12:42 p.m. CST

    GORDON CHEETS ON HIS WIFE

    by Squashua

    AND HAS A BEER