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Neill Cumpston Has Seen 300!!!!!!!!!!!

Hey, everyone. ”Moriarty” here. Yes, it really does merit that many exclamation points. They’re free. Blow me. Besides... could there ever be any better marriage of film and reviewer? I needed to read this, even if I didn’t know I needed to read it. Neill Cumpston’s been busy lately, and if his e-mails to me are to be believed, he’s finally reaching the end of his six-year A.A. degree at a community college near his mother’s house. But somehow, he talked his way into an early screening of 300 tonight, and the result is the following review. He coins a word late in this review that I fully expect to be using for the rest of my life, and I salute his linguistic virtuosity once again. Nice to have you back, man.

I just saw a movie that’ll give your eyes boners, make your balls scream and make you poop DVD copies of THE TRANSPORTER. It’s called 300. I don’t know what the title has to do with the movie, but they could’ve called it KITTENS MAKING CANDLES and it’d still rule. It’s about these 300 Greek dudes who stomp the sugar-coated shit out of like a million other dudes. I have a feeling that a lot of high school sports coaches are going to show this film to their teams before they play. Also, gay dudes and divorced women are going to use screen captures for computer wallpaper. The movie takes place about a million years ago, and it’s sort of like a prequel to SIN CITY. Except way less guns and cars but twice as much skull splitting. If you watch this movie and go into a Taco Bell, and say to the cashier, “I need some extra sauce packets” guess what? You’re getting twenty sauce packets because your face will punch him in the brain. I can’t spoil the plot because THANK GOD THERE ISN’T ONE. Just ass kicking that kicks ass that, while said ass is getting kicked, is kicking yet more ass that’s hitting someone’s balls with a hammer made of ice but the ice is frozen whiskey. TWO COOL THINGS ABOUT THE MOVIE AND ONE THING I DIDN’T LIKE: COOL THING ONE: HEAVY METAL DURING BATTLE SCENES Who gives a shit if the music isn’t historically correct? LORD OF THE RINGS could’ve used some Journey. This movie has that chu-CHUNG kind of metal that you hear in your head when your shift supervisor at Wetzel’s Pretzel is telling you that you’ll have to stay for clean up and you wish you had a sock filled with quarters in your hand. COOL THING TWO: FOES, MINI-BOSSES AND A BIG BOSS Basically, the Greek dudes are fighting these Persian dudes, but the director, who must have a dick made of three machine guns, does it all like a video game. The Greeks fight every death metal video from the last ten years. There’s wave after wave of giants, freaks, ninjas, mutants, wizards, and a hunchback who looks like he’s got Rosie O’Donnell on his back. Would I have been happy if Dom DeLuise from HISTORY OF THE WORLD, PART I had shown up? Maybe, but this movie more than makes up for that glaring oversight. NOT SO GOOD THING: DUDE NUDITY (“DUDE-ITY”) These are Greek times, when there were a lot of naked women around. And there are some naked women in this film, but almost every naked woman scene has a muscular dude giving the screen an ass picnic. Dude-ity is something directors put in their movies so people will think they’re serious, I guess, and not just throwing in naked hotties. Any directors reading this – IT’S OKAY TO JUST THROW IN NAKED HOTTIES. Can’t someone make a movie about naked Amazons and call it PAUSE BUTTON? My final analysis is 300 the most ass-ruling movie I’ve seen this year, and will probably be the King of 2007 unless someone makes a movie where a pair of sentient boobs fights a werewolf.
Readers Talkback
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  • Feb. 9, 2007, 6:08 a.m. CST

    First Review to ever name check Wetzel's Pretzels.

    by Pound Sand

    And Dudeity, for that matter.

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 6:10 a.m. CST


    by Latauro

    One day after my friend refers to Jedi as "Planet of the Fucking Furry Fuckers" and we speculate as to what could have happened to Mr Cumpston, here he appears again. As if by magic...

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 6:18 a.m. CST


    by Lord_Soth

    Harry should be replaced with this dude!

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 6:18 a.m. CST

    Can't Wait

    by NudeandAroused

    Having studied the battle, the comic novel, and the philosophical ramifications of this battle, I really want to see the movie.

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 6:20 a.m. CST

    And now I am ready to begin my day.

    by CreasyBear

    Sheer bliss.

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 6:21 a.m. CST

    a pretty tame review by his standards

    by just pillow talk

    but I am interested to know when pause button is coming out. Not so much with slow-mo 300...

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 6:39 a.m. CST

    And cyberspace is a joyful place once again

    by enemakid

    Welcome back Neil Cumpston you genius. Memo to Harry Knowles: I love you man, but see, this is how you use body parts and sexual terms in a review WITHOUT causing people to hurl giant chunks of meatloaf on to their computers. "Dick made of three machine guns"... I am officially stealing that line.

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 6:31 a.m. CST

    "I don't know what the title has to do with the movie".

    by wazza

    then he says, it's about 300 Greek dudes

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 6:44 a.m. CST

    Will Mr Cumpston be reviewing any animated films?

    by ErnieAnderson

    I can't wait to see what he cooks up!

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 6:47 a.m. CST

    Fuck Off!

    by darquelyte

    How did this happen?

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 6:49 a.m. CST


    by darquelyte

    I'm going to assume that this is the word that Mori was all jazzed about. Good word! ~ÐL

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 6:46 a.m. CST

    Do the trailers for this remind anybody else of TITUS?

    by Spandau Belly

    That wacky Anothony Hopkins Shakespeare thing from a few years back.

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 7:05 a.m. CST


    by screamster101

    "hitting someone’s balls with a hammer made of ice but the ice is frozen whiskey." - I cried. I will definitely see this film. Finally a fresh idea out of tinsel town.

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 7:07 a.m. CST

    My take on 300 (I have seen it):

    by Klaus Herzog

    I'm sorry, but I have to agree with Quint's review from a while back. Maybe my expectations were just to high, but ultimalty I was disapointed. Yes, the action in this movie (for the most part) kicks ass, that's true. Those Spartans really have some serious slaying skills. The look and feel of the graphic novel is captured very well and there are some great looking visual effects. But some also look like a fucking video game and don't work at all. The problem ultimatly is that 300 is shallow. When they aren't hacking Persians to pieces, this movie is boring as hell. At no point did I get engaged in the story or feel for the characters. This may not bother some, but I don't see the point in making a movie this long (2 hours) when all it has to offer is about 30 minutes of good fight scenes. Why make a movie so faithful to the original source when the graphic novel itself really doesn't have enough material to carry such a long film? And worst of all: The parts that aren't in the novel and involve the queen are the most boring parts and eventually add nothing to the story. I hate to say it, but I have no desire to watch this movie again from start to end. On DVD I would fast forward, watch the action scenes and turn off after that. I can only warn you: Don't set your expectations too high. It has great action, but nothing more. ohhh..and one more thing: FUCKING CORNFIELDS!!!! Why oh why does every movie based in antique times since Gladiator have to feature a least one scene where a character is walking slowly through cornfields while some sad sing-sang music is played over? Does Hollywood think that's what people did in those times for recreation? Walk through cornfields while looking sad? I can't take it anymore!

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 7:08 a.m. CST

    Like Maddox...

    by cockrockinbeatz

    Only 4000 times better. Especially after that retarded book. Thank you, Neil Cumpston.

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 7:02 a.m. CST

    What does Christopher Titus have to do with...oh...

    by Negative Man

    ...sorry, wrong Titus.

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 7:06 a.m. CST

    as always..

    by nolan bautista

    ..a pleasure..thanks Neil!!

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 7:08 a.m. CST

    Hilarious, watch out Vern!

    by DirkD13"

    That was the funniest review I've read in an age. I'll be whoring various parts of it for days now, and passing it off as proof of my own wit and verbal dexterity. Mr Cumpston, you are an amusing chap.

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 7:24 a.m. CST

    Moriarty alter-ego

    by Cory849

    Neil Cumpston is a character of Moriarty's. Not a real person. Funny though. I love his appearances.

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 7:28 a.m. CST

    Neil's back! Hoorah!

    by chrth

    And yes, I'd definitely go see Pause Button.

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 7:29 a.m. CST

    This guy should never review again...

    by Photoman

    Terrible. Absolutely terrible. He tries so hard to be funny, but dude...either you're funny or you're not. And you're not. Reviewing is not your thing. Your shtick sucks also.

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 7:45 a.m. CST

    Thanks for that machine gun dick thing

    by Franklin T Marmoset

    That one'll keep me chuckling for the rest of this miserably boring work day and off into the weekend...

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 7:55 a.m. CST

    "movie where a pair of sentient boobs fightsa werewolf"

    by newc0253

    you mean underworld? i believe the pair of sentient boobs is called kate beckinsale. p.s. good review, but i think NC is just an alter ego for one of the AICN staff. probably mori.

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 7:44 a.m. CST

    ha, dude-ity

    by triplefive

    hate those male ass picnics

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 7:48 a.m. CST

    What sheer joy.

    by Catnip_Thieves

    I don't really give much of a shit about this movie (looks nice though, that's sure enough), but my eyes stream rivers of warm salty happiness just to see Cumpston submitting stuff to this site once more. Give him his own column, dammit.

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 8 a.m. CST

    Dudity, heh.

    by biggles2_22

    funny stuff. My nads ache in anticipation of this film. I'll avoid the press screening as it will be hard to explain the boner I'll have for two days before the movie gets released. This movie will be the Lake House of 2007!

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 8:02 a.m. CST


    by biggles2_22

    Unfortunately, Kate B. is flat as board. Sorry dude.

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 8:05 a.m. CST

    Get this guy to review the Fanning rape movie....

    by Kubla_Khan

    ...AKA "Charlotte's Wet". I'd like to see what he has to say.

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 8:02 a.m. CST

    re: "Charlotte's Wet"

    by Rendell

    I'm offically repelled by that statement. I don't know wether to laugh or cry but I think I'll settle instead for a shower to get this grime off...

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 8:29 a.m. CST

    Neil is none other than...

    by Dr. Butthole

    Patton Oswalt. That is what my sources (i.e. what I heard on here after a different Cumpston review) tell me. But I really don't care because Neil is hilarious. Hitting someone’s balls with a hammer made of ice but the ice is frozen whiskey? Solid comedy gold.

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 8:17 a.m. CST

    Boobs V. Werewolves? Did he read my NIpple Moon script?

    by Big Bad Clone

    Thank god he didn't spoil the ending with the silver bullet areolas.

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 8:33 a.m. CST

    "Lord of the Rings could've used some Journey."

    by skycrapper

    That is funny.

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 8:37 a.m. CST

    Let there be man ass.

    by julienthejamminjabber

    And there was man ass. And it was good.

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 8:45 a.m. CST

    this movie looks like crap

    by kwisatzhaderach

    If you're under 15 I can understand why you would get excited about a steaming pile of horse manure like this. I predict: no good dialogue, rubbish story, that horrible Phantom Menace-style greenscreen acting malaise and lot of horrible slo-mo 'action' shots cut together by someone with no skill at creating memorable sequences. The trailer looked awful. Why not go out into the real world and shoot some movies again? Instead of filming them in a green box? Fuck.

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 8:42 a.m. CST


    by Juleebabee

    I'm definitely cool with dude-ity ESPECIALLY if it's Gerard-Butler-ity. ohhhhhh yeaaaa. March 9th can't come soon enough!

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 8:42 a.m. CST

    Dude-ity and dick made of 3 machine guns

    by kinghenryVIII

    HAHAHAHAHA<p>I am officially entering them into my vocab. Great shit - the dude should review everythin - from weather to resturants.

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 9:04 a.m. CST

    It's nice to see somebody got the point...

    by Onomaki Forp

    ... of the silly stunt of dredging up old reviews a couple of weeks back. This makes the banning worth it.

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 8:55 a.m. CST

    That review kicked ass.

    by PwnedByStallone

    I'm sure the movie sucks but this review was just downright hilarious. I assume Dudeity is the word Moriarty is referrign to but for my money "ass picnic" beats that. Genius.

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 9:07 a.m. CST

    Except the wrong review was dredged up

    by chrth

    You should've grabbed the Passion of the Christ as Zombie Movie one.

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 9:13 a.m. CST

    That has to be Comedy God Patton Oswalt

    by neonist

    Or someone is paranormally good at ripping off his style

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 9:15 a.m. CST

    Yeah...I didn't actually choose...

    by Onomaki Forp

    ...any of the old TB's that got repliged. Just sort of helped out a bit. In fact my part was sorta could be some other reason got me spelling my name backwards. Nobody's actually told me why.

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 9:17 a.m. CST

    I love Neill Cumpston

    by Twisted Knacker

    Not in an intimate fashion, you understand. Hail to the AntiBoozi!

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 9:06 a.m. CST


    by Elmore Rigby

    World-renowned movie critic...I mean, ummm...who?

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 9:08 a.m. CST

    Where's BSB? I need "ass picnic" explained.

    by -guyinthebackrow

    Well, not so much "need" as "want"... wait... no. It's needed.

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 9:11 a.m. CST

    Kubla Khan

    by PwnedByStallone

    Charlotte's Wet. You're going to hell dude? Kepp the beer chilled for me.

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 9:29 a.m. CST

    Since BSB's not around...

    by Onomaki Forp

    ...I'll try to explain "ass picnic". First you pack your basket. You must serve hot dogs. Preferably foot longs. The kind that "plump" when they get hot...insert into soft fluffy buns...with relish. Make sure you have plenty of wet wipes to clean up afterward, and watch out for any bugs.

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 9:31 a.m. CST

    "the trailer looked awful"?

    by newc0253

    which trailer were you watching? the film may turn yet out to be a shining turd but it's got to be one of the best-looking trailers i've ever seen.

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 9:32 a.m. CST

    PLANT, muthaf*****s!!!!!

    by fractureJonze

    But its still gonna rock!

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 9:21 a.m. CST

    man flesh and little character development. tsk tsk.

    by captainCAPSLOCK

    i guess as long as they don't make out i'll be able to weather the chiseled ab storm. at least it will help convince the ladies this is worth seeing. i like how he says 'i have no idea why they called it 300...' then at the beginning of the next paragraph 'it's about 300 Greek dudes...'

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 9:36 a.m. CST

    kate beckinsale ain't flat as a board:

    by newc0253

    i seen van helsing, and that is perhaps the only worthwhile thing i took away from watching that crapapalooza.

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 9:39 a.m. CST

    AKW's The Werewolf = Sentient Boobs Fighting Benicio?

    by Darth Fabulous

    I hope!

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 9:29 a.m. CST

    journey sucks in the worst way.

    by yeah i'm a jerk!

    just sayin'. if lord of the rings had journey playing in it, i would have demanded my ticket money back. personally flown to new zealand and killed peter jackson by cutting off his head and shitting down his throat.

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 9:44 a.m. CST

    more man ass picnics!

    by LegoKenobi

    just sayin'.

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 9:48 a.m. CST

    Funny guy

    by godzillasushi

    Post more reviews from this dude....

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 9:53 a.m. CST


    by QuinnTheEskimo

    I remember his review of Sin City, and while I disagreed with it (and probably will this one), that doesn't make the damn things any less funny.

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 10:07 a.m. CST

    Why the FUCK is this man not in charge of AICN?

    by Ravetin

    His awesomeness is almost contagious. Look at the first couple sentences of Mori's intro.

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 10:21 a.m. CST

    My God - Coolest Review Ever!!

    by -=Shin=-

    I wish I was that cool.

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 10:27 a.m. CST

    Tears are running from my eyes, thanks for the laughs

    by ComputerGuy68

    Well done, well done...

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 10:18 a.m. CST

    Hooray for Neil!

    by purplemonkeydw

    Huzzah, he's back, well done sir, well done. I too eagerly await 'Pause Button'.

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 10:30 a.m. CST

    Charlotte's Wet - I will now laugh every time I see

    by ComputerGuy68

    anything about this film. Save me a seat Kubla Khan, I'll bring the beer :)

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 10:30 a.m. CST

    got mad love for Wetzel’s Pretzel

    by Sans Serif

    now i wanna see 300 and have a Wetzel’s Pretzel. good timesss

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 10:42 a.m. CST

    I just got off the phone with Herc...

    by Alonzo Mosely

    He is still claiming Neill is his best friend ever...

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 10:44 a.m. CST


    by drompter

    Who feeds?

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 10:44 a.m. CST

    2 interpretations of this review

    by Mr Gorilla

    INTERPRETATION ONE: The writer is brilliantly satirizing the mental attitude of a pre-pubescant guy who thinks he would really like tits if he ever got to feel one, but is definitely a bit scared of pussy (and therefore subscribes to Maxim Online) - the kind of idiot who would like this movie. INTERPRETATION TWO: The writer is in fact one of said guys.

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 10:37 a.m. CST

    After all this time...

    by Romoehlio

    worship the greatness that is N.C.! I prayed for him and AICN delivered...SWEET!!

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 10:47 a.m. CST


    by RaulMonkey

    Sez Atlantic Monthly

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 11:01 a.m. CST

    Cumspton, Neill Cumpston

    by bjk4ku

    Why haven't you recieved your own tv show yet? Seriously. I beleive I would watch you review movies and dvds and interview people. Go up right before Ebert and Roper. If you haven't thought about it... get off your ass and get on a tv show.

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 11:07 a.m. CST

    Did this reviewer flunk 4th grade history?

    by allykatD

    This review is a worthless piece of offal written by a 'dude' with the IQ of a retarded caveman (no offense to cavemen). I am looking forward to '300' and was excited to see a link to a review, only to be disappointed. As well connected as AICN is, couldn't they find a more articulate reviewer? This kind of illiterate crap-writing kills any kind of credibility this webite might possess and many people will find themselves going elsewhere for movie information.

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 11:14 a.m. CST

    Review sounds like it was written by Robert Hamburger

    by Kusoyaro

    Only not as totally sweet!

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 11:30 a.m. CST

    That was a review?!!!!!!!!!!

    by Mr Incredible

    Damn, that was like "Bill and Ted reviews 300". I was biased from the get-go anyway because Frank Miller has grown into an egotistical hack. I'm sure there is better entertainment besides watching on a large screen sweaty men fight each other in a psuedo-historical movie.

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 11:26 a.m. CST


    by TheDohDoh

    Dudeity only has one entry in, so I'll give this genius the benefit of the shout and say he coined it as well. I wasn't feeling the nu-metal feel either, but way to give it to the geeks out there who want a score. During an NFL game I saw the trailer and I wanted to commit mass-murder with a club. This movie's bad for the brain in a way we haven't seen since Commando, Cyborg or Cobra.

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 11:32 a.m. CST

    Thank you Forp and BSB...

    by -guyinthebackrow

    Now I know. And knowing is at least fourth of the battle. Yo Joe!

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 11:56 a.m. CST


    by colemanfrancis

    I love the guys who post on here who denigrate Cumpston's reviews for being stupid and juvenile. It's like ripping South Park because it's not Charlie Rose. I've always thought he's funny, though his reviews are far too rare.

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 11:56 a.m. CST

    is neil the guy...

    by occula

    who wrote the hy-larious review of ROTK, where he mentioned 'the elf parts were like spending an hour in a fucking candle store' and referred to pellenor fields as 'the battle of shit-your-pants'? coz that was a funny review...

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 12:07 p.m. CST

    HIRE THIS MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    by torontoxic

    Or maybe he should just start his own site?

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 12:31 p.m. CST

    Love it

    by Spacekicker2001

    I laughed...hard. He always makes me laugh. Maybe that means I'm juvenile, but so what? Loved the review

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 12:34 p.m. CST

    Spandau Belly nope does not remind me of it

    by streakerfreak1983

    Titus is one of my top 5 films and this has no similarity to it except metal music. Personaly I tend to like wierd stuff and art house films more then any big budget film but to the person who says this is only good if your under 15 well you are wrong. In the world of art it does not matter what the creator is useing (green screen in this case) it is how they pull it off. From the looks of it they have accomplished something different and fun. Yes art can be fun and stupid at times. For a big budget film this one actually has balls. To the reviewer, I take it you do not know much about Greek history. You said Greece was full of naked women. Um, you do know Greece was one of the most homesexual excepting societys. I am sure this film will be refreshing, but this reviewer sucks and has brought this film down to a very low point.

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 12:35 p.m. CST

    THe LOTR:ROTK review

    by Alfred_Packer

    Loved that review. Still have it saved. "Oh, and also that I Don’t Want to be the King/I Am Destined to Be the King Dude is with them, and he has this whole other story where he pretty much decides to be the King because, I mean, pussy for miles. This is where I started getting really confused, though, because they start talking about kingdoms and alliances and there’s a lot of lines like, “Rohan shall ride!” and “Gondor still stands!” and “Flabadan Son of Rectum must wear the mantle of Bloggith!” and also there’s some shit with the elves that’s like being in a fucking candle store for twenty minutes. " Comedy Gold

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 12:27 p.m. CST

    It's called satire

    by Garbageman33

    Did the people complaining about Neill's reviewing skills also go see Borat and walk out saying, "I liked it OK, but that middle eastern guy seemed pretty dumb".

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 12:29 p.m. CST


    by occula

    that WAS a funny review. i pull it up every once in a while for a guaranteed laugh.

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 12:31 p.m. CST


    by lionbiu

    what I am getting from this review is that only 15 year old, male ADD sufferers will enjoy this flick

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 12:49 p.m. CST

    Other classic lines from the ROTK review:

    by Alfred_Packer

    "..Even if you bring an iPod so you can listen to VH during the Elf parts .." "So he and Magneto go to this huge white city where the king is being a dick and just eating dinner while every puke-ugly bad-ass on the planet starts surrounding it, ready to open a Wal-Mart that only sells ball-stomp. " " even in real life giant spiders are bad news.." "1970's Foot-to-Assers"

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 12:42 p.m. CST

    Still other classic lines from the ROTK review.....

    by Romoehlio

    "lets make a movie so tits its going to make the first two look gay"

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 12:48 p.m. CST

    I figured out how to ghost-post! (Passion review)

    by chrth

    I rule! Woot!<p> Here's the second best line of the Passion review:<p> This is a great movie to take a chick to 'cuz it's super-violent but you can sit there like, hey, this doesn't effect me, and she'll think you're a total bad-ass. Then here comes the blowjob. Thank you, Jesus. <p> And the third best line:<p> But this is back in Bible times, when they didn't have shotguns and chainsaws, and back then when you want to kill a superhero you have to rain two hours of whomp-ass on him and then nail him to something, sort of like a message to other superheroes. And they must have gotten the message, because there weren't any more superheroes until Superman.

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 12:59 p.m. CST

    A quick test

    by chrth

    I wonder if this will work...

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 1:01 p.m. CST

    *I'm the Invisible Man!*

    by chrth

    ALL BOW BEFORE MY L33T SK1LLZ!!!!!!!!!

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 1:03 p.m. CST

    Visibility engaged. It's funny going to the old Neill

    by chrth

    reviews, and seeing I had comments back then.

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 1:07 p.m. CST


    by the_shogun_gunslinger

    FIX THE FUCKING BOARDS!!! the order is all jived up to hell. <P> anyways, this Neil character is a funny dude. and i love how some ppl are just humorless assholes and have to scream "that was a review?!" dudes, how many reviews of 300 have we had? do we need to keep hearing the same thing over and over? jesus, have some fucking fun.

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 1:11 p.m. CST

    Still waiting...

    by caerlas

    for something to top his sin city review. Personally Ill never forget his review about how it'd make "your dick drive a chicken truck into a burning retard school"

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 1:26 p.m. CST

    Neill Cumpston is beyond hilarious, BUT...

    by Abin Sur

    I'm still concerned for 300, because Neill LOVED Matrix Reloaded and Blade III. What to think??

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 1:17 p.m. CST


    by jrbarker


  • Feb. 9, 2007, 1:21 p.m. CST

    My sides hurt

    by durhay

    I bow before your awesomeness.

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 1:24 p.m. CST


    by Nigel7

    I've heard this term mentioned many times before, years before this. Neill's trying to pull a fast one on you... and he probably spits on the pretzels he makes.

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 1:55 p.m. CST

    Naaaah I'm still Vern's bitch.

    by Gilkuliehe

    Are you listening Vern? This guy's a laugh but you're a true BADASS who knows his movies. So don't get jealous man, you're still the real man's films of cinema critic.

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 1:45 p.m. CST

    300 review

    by hobbes3

    This is the funniest fookin movie review I have ever read! I sat here with my hand over my mouth trying not to spew iced tea at my screen and arouse suspicion from my boss! And this movie IS gonna kick major league arse. But I like the "dude-ity"!!

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 1:48 p.m. CST

    He loved Matrix Reloaded & Blade Trinity?!!

    by modlight

    Then I will love this because I dug the shit out of those movies. Its called having fun... look it up.

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 1:57 p.m. CST

    Don't go down that road, gentlemen

    by chrth

    I once called Vern a "poor man's Neill Cumpston" and he got a little upset (and rightfully so). Both deserve our praise for being able to pull off the type of review that Harry always fails at.

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 2 p.m. CST

    Mori channelling Harry

    by superninja

    And doing it better, of course.

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 2:09 p.m. CST

    Tomboy Beanpole Mangina Ass Picnic's Gotta Eat!

    by briantag

    I'm in tears. Too funny.

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 2:15 p.m. CST


    by Motoko Kusanagi


  • Feb. 9, 2007, 2:21 p.m. CST

    You've never heard someone say "Dude-ity" before?

    by Tommy the Cat


  • Feb. 9, 2007, 2:26 p.m. CST

    someone start rearranging the letters in his name

    by BadMrWonka

    I love neil, but I think it's gotta be true it's someone else's alter ego. maybe it's an anagram of something or someone...<br><br>so far I've got:<br><br>inept columns<br>pencil mounts<br>nice plum snot<br>optic elm nuns<br>cum linen spot<br><br>eh...maybe not...

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 2:38 p.m. CST


    by Abin Sur

    Dude, I know how to have fun watching a frakkin' movie. Matrix II was good from a technical aspect, but the acting sucked balls. And there is NOTHING redeeming about Blade III except for Jessica Biel.

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 2:40 p.m. CST


    by Deus Vult

    Well Neill welcome back indeed. You may appear new to some of the recent additions to this site, but I remember your amazing review of LOTR: ROTK from some years back as one of the funniest things I've ever read in my life.<p>Further to PoundSand recognizing Neill's ability to be first to use words in new ways, here's a few from the ROTK review that have stuck with me to this day:<p>1. using TITS as a verb or adverb or adjective, as in: this movie is so TITS (which is precisely how Neill used it).<p>2. using BALL STOMP to describe something someone is going to sell, as in "he's gonna open up a wal-mart and all he's gonna sell is BALL STOMP."<p>Neill is brilliant, vulgar and crass yes, but brilliant.<p>In other news, someone suggested that Neill was actually Kevin Smith during the whole ROTK review saga.

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 3:02 p.m. CST

    Cumpston Cums Goes To Town

    by Det. John Kimble

    Welcome back indeed. I like having my mind-raped by your precision guided reviews.

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 3:17 p.m. CST


    by Evil Hobbit

    First you watch this super funny pixar short, then you tap to this review and laugh even harder. What a day, my belly hurts so much now. Keep them coming Neill, keep them coming!

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 3:48 p.m. CST


    by Zardoz

    Funny, funny shit! If I was Zack Snyder, I'd frame that review and hang it in my bathroom, so I could see it every time I took a piss with my "three-machine gun dick"! Ass picnic indeed, Neil...

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 3:38 p.m. CST

    sentient boobs gotta eat!

    by master bitchfist


  • Feb. 9, 2007, 3:40 p.m. CST

    Spartans/ Battle of Thermopylae : Read it

    by The real Jack Bauer

    It's really a inspiring story. Little known fact: From it came the origin of what we now call the marathon run. "Bring my the interrogation kit"

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 3:49 p.m. CST


    by ewokstew

    and again, uh...

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 3:54 p.m. CST

    Klaus Herzog....Cornfields....WTF?

    by davywankenobi

    Ok dude, those are wheat fields. Corn is a lot taller and has EARS OF CORN GROWING OUT OF THEM!!!! Watch "Field of Dreams" for God's sake. It was also introduced to civilization by Native Americans, not Roman Gladiators or Spartan Kings. Great review by Niel, by the way.

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 3:56 p.m. CST

    Who is this moron

    by Faust_8

    and why did I loose three minutes of my life reading his ridiculous review!!

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 4:10 p.m. CST

    for those of you who still don`t worhip N.C...

    by Romoehlio

    Neill Cumpston s Glorious Review Of HOBBIT-MAN: THE KING RETURNS!! Hi, everyone. "Moriarty" here with some Rumblings From The Lab... Man, I wish Neill had been at BNAT with us this year, but he's off being a movie star these days. Yeah, that's right. Neill Cumpston is making a series of buddy cop films with Jamie Foxx. They're shooting nine of them back-to-back, and they'll release one every three weeks. Or maybe not. I'm not really sure at this point. All I know is, this man's busy. And let's face it. This is the only review you really care about. I m just about finished with mine finally, and now that I ve read this... it all seems so empty... HOBBIT-MAN: THE KING RETURNS Whenever cool movie series get to the third movie they suck dicks like they re trying to become Emperor of Dicksuck-ylvania. George Lucas had Star Wars, and then Empire Kicks Ass, and then all of a sudden it s Planet of Furry Faggoty Fuckheads. Then he had to make two more to feed the Suck Demon that was holding his children hostage, and those movies went beyond gay to where they re paying old people to take a dump on them. Even this summer, with MATRIX: SUDDENLY GAY and TERMINATOR: I LOVE COCK, the Rule of the Suck-y Third Movie got re-proven. If the third X-Men movie had come out this summer it probably would have been some crippled crock of crap where Wheelchair Charlie traps Fuck Yeah Wolverine in an illusion mind-trap where Wolverine thinks he s a time traveler from a hundred years ago romancing Meg Ryan in right-now New York. Of course, the X-Men movie would try to redeem itself in the third act by having Wolverine realize it s a mind-illusion and cut Meg s head off and play dodgeball with it, but it would be too late and here comes my extra large Sprite at the screen. But guess what' One movie series turned that rule on its head. One 3-movie series said, Wait a minute, we re going to make the 3rd movie SO tits it will make the FIRST two movies look gay. I just saw HOBBIT-MAN: THE KING RETURNS and that s the movie I was talking about in the last paragraph. This movie will make you forget that if you stick a knife in your belly you ll bleed to death so do not bring a knife to this movie. It s also, thank fucking God, LOUD. Even if you bring an iPod so you can listen to VH during the Elf parts you ll take it off because I swear to fucking Roth you do NOT know where the next big bang is going to come from, or when something big is going to crunch someone s skull while you picture that person getting their skull crushed is really your neighbor upstairs that plays Dido all day or that dude at the Starbucks who s always reading and looking all smart. Oh yeah, the movie is also 3 hours and 20 minutes, and I think it s almost four hours if you sit through all the credits (it was all pencil sketches of the characters, which I think means they ran out of money). So if you bring some chick who s all like, I have a spinning class tomorrow or I m thirsty tell her to go home and watch Gay Dudes and the Straight Guy because this movie takes fucking commitment. I saw the one dude in front of me who was with this girl, and the President of Warner Brothers came out and said, This movie is three hours and twenty minutes, and before I could say, So what, gaylord the chick says to the dude she s with that she has to GO. And he LET her go because this movie kicks so much ass you can SENSE it even before it starts. And this chick was a stone fox, and he probably could have made out with her, but he was like, I m going make out with this movie, that s how good it is. See ya, hottie. This movie starts with the origin of Golem that creepy guy who looks like Iggy Pop and wears Tarzan pants and wants the invisible-ring. He s still on a quest with the two hobbits - Rudy from the film RUDY and Fredo - to throw the ring into a volcano (this is like a serious version of JOE VERSUS THE VOLCANO). The ring is also evil but you keep thinking, while you watch it, that someone should put it on and check out some boobs. I have a feeling those scenes will be in the DVDs. At the same time, the two other midget-men and the giant hippies have seriously fucked up that one evil guy s tower (he was Count Duke in Star Wars: Every Cock in the Universe Up My Ass Part II), and they hook back up with Magneto, and also that chick with the bow and arrows and finally the Giant Midget with the Axe. Oh, and also that I Don t Want to be the King/I Am Destined to Be the King Dude is with them, and he has this whole other story where he pretty much decides to be the King because, I mean, pussy for miles. This is where I started getting really confused, though, because they start talking about kingdoms and alliances and there s a lot of lines like, Rohan shall ride! and Gondor still stands! and Flabadan Son of Rectum must wear the mantle of Bloggith! and also there s some shit with the elves that s like being in a fucking candle store for twenty minutes. But the movie is only doing this to set up the BATTLE OF SHIT-YOUR-PANTS, which isn t the actual name of the battle but SHOULD be because you will shit stuff you did not eat when you see it. It all has to do with the fact that one of the midget-men takes this orb from the bad guy and he looks into it and sees the glowing eye s plan (or part of it something about a tree dying and Enya music playing). So he and Magneto go to this huge white city where the king is being a dick and just eating dinner while every puke-ugly bad-ass on the planet starts surrounding it, ready to open a Wal-Mart that only sells ball-stomp. There s this one medium-sized battle in a city that is like the last line of defense for the Big-Ass White City and it s pretty cool, with a lot of head-crunching and these huge flying bat demon things that I swear to God grab horses and the dudes riding them and fuck them up from the floor up. They re really loud, too, and a lot of chicks and older people were covering their ears. Meanwhile, Rudy and Fredo and Golem are getting closer to the volcano, and Golem makes Fredo hate Rudy, and then tricks Fredo into a cave where there s a giant spider and FUCK that was really scary because even in real life giant spiders are bad news. Someone told me that all of the spider stuff actually happens in the second book in the series, and that they had to tweak some of the stuff that happens in the books to make the movies work. You know what' Good. Books suck. They used to be good back when people didn t have movies and TV and dressed like Davey Crockett. People also used to ride horses and drink tea, but now we have cars and Sprite. Move the fuck on. Peter Jackson did an amazing job adapting these books, and now the movies are so kick-ass that some people are going to go back and READ the books, which wouldn t have happened if he d just filmed the books exactly as they are. Happy now, smarty' Let me give you an example of how NOT to make books into movies: This summer a huge bucket of farts came out called LEAGUE OF ADVENTURE GENTLEMEN. It was about how a bunch of characters from old-timey books got together and fucked up bad guys. And NO ONE SAW IT. Why' First, they picked a bunch of characters like Invisible Man and Mr. Hyde and Dracula-Woman and Huck Finn. These are all characters from books that were written five hundred years ago. Huck Finn was actually written before writing. These are the kind of books they make you read in summer school but you re all like, Fuck you, I m going to play Sonic on my Sega and you totally complete all the levels by August. So who the fuck is going to go see a movie about characters and people they ve never heard of (the movie acts like you re supposed to know who these people are)' Like I said before, MOVIES are the new books, so how about this for a movie (I even thought of a good title): ___________________________________________________ TEAM 1970 S FOOT-TO-ASSERS The movie opens: A cult killer tries to assassinate Chauncey Gardiner, the President of the United States. Before the brainwashed assassin dies he gasps the word, Cyrus and takes a poison pill. Senator John Bluto Blutarsky forms a super-team to infiltrate New York and take down the Cyrus cult. This team is made up of Bruce (from ENTER THE DRAGON), Dirty Harry Callahan, a now-teenaged Regan MacNeill (who is a stone boner machine and also has devil powers), Quint from JAWS, who s upper torso washed ashore after the shark attacked him, and who has now been made bionic by Oscar Goldman and OSI, and finally Beau The Bandit Durville, who s driving his Trans Am. They enter New York with the Bandit driving like a fucking maniac, and Dirty Harry shooting people out the window and Regan making people s heads explode and shit. Wow! They get to the center of the Cyrus Cult headquarters in the middle of Central Park and confront Cyrus. He s controlling his subjects with a glowing Chevy Malibu. Bruce goes totally Jackie Chan on everyone while Harry and the Bandit battle their way to the car. Quint dies bringing down all the cult killers, and they drive off with the Malibu. They also find out that Cyrus was trained by the Parallax Corporation. Back at the White House, they get their next assignment. They must take down the Parallax Corporation, which is being run by Gregory Marmalarde. They are creating an Army of brainwashed super-killers at their facility at Crystal Lake. These new killers are indestructible and a step above the cult killers of Cyrus. For this phase of the mission they are joined by CIA agent Vincent J. Ricardo (from THE IN-LAWS) and off they go. They blast their way into Parallax Headquarters, only to find their way blocked by the new generation of super-killers hockey-mask wearing motherfuckers who have all undergone the Vorhees treatment . Bruce and Regan take on the killers, while Harry and Vincent go for Marmalarde. That s when he reveals his newest, greatest killer New York taxi driver Travis Bickle, who s undergone the Vorhees treatment and is a virtual arsenal of different guns, knives all of which appear from his wrists, chest, even eyes. Bickle killed Marmalarde s frat brother Douglas Neidermeyer in Vietnam. Harry dies fighting Bickle, but not before killing Marmalarde. Ricardo searches the Parallax files, only to find that Parallax is only a tiny part of a much bigger, much more evil power the Thorne Corporation, run by Damien Thorne. He has a huge facility in the Nevada desert, near Area 51. Their final mission is to deliver the Chevy Malibu to Area 51. The Chevy contains a weapon which can defeat Thorne s final plan. Thorne s compound is patrolled and protected by driverless trucks from DUEL and a bunch of those devil limousines from THE CAR. Two teams are sent in The Bandit, driving his Trans Am with Regan and Bruce, and another driver named Kowalski , who will drive the Malibu along with Ricardo. They battle their way through the devil trucks and demon limos until they penetrate Thorne s headquarters. He s got every character from every boring-ass indie film in the last twenty years strapped to posts in this huge chamber full of leather-y ALIEN eggs. The eggs are hatching and putting face huggers on the douche bags from WALKING AND TALKING and SEX, LIES AND VIDEOTAPES and CHASING AMY and everyone from every Henry Jaglom film ever made and killing them. There s nothing anyone can do they have to stand and watch while all of these characters are slowly and horrible killed before our eyes, and they hatch into Aliens. That s when Kowalski opens the trunk of the Malibu to reveal: ROY NEARY, JR. This is the half-human/half-alien offspring of Roy Neary from CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND and he starts going outer space whup-ass on the aliens along with Bruce Lee. The Bandit looks at the camera, winks, and smiles. (There can be a lot of shots during the closing credits of The Bandit cracking up). Ricardo and Regan work their way to Thorne s headquarters where there s this huge demon battle between Regan MacNeill and Damien Thorne that will make the audience go, We need new words for HOLY FUCKING SHIT . ___________________________________________________ See' Use characters from movies thirty years ago, instead of from books five hundred years ago. And by the way, that s only using characters from 70 s films. I also have plans for an 80 s team of ass-kickers and a 90 s team. Everyone who was into movies from before 1969 is dead, and we d actually better hurry with the 70 s thing, now that I think of it. Also, I totally copy-wrote this with the Writer s Society, and I also know a 400 pound man who will man-rape anyone who makes this movie without me. Okay, back to HOBBIT-MAN, although at this point it s just wall-to-wall awesome. The Battle for the White Mountain City has trolls and elephants and catapults and a battering ram that looks like a dragon head on fire. Also, earlier Gandalf scares off the flying bats-things with his glowing staff. In the battle for the White Mountain City Gandalf just runs around giving orders. How about turning the bad guys into babies or something with his staff' But that would actually cut down on the ass-kicking so, actually, fine. The I Don t Want to Be The King Guy gets a bunch of ghost warriors to fight, and that s just awesome when it happens, and also the elf chick with the bow takes down an elephant all by herself, and the Giant Midget keeps killing people with his axe. Then when THAT battle s over and you re thinking, Just air comes out when I spooge now they stage a whole OTHER battle at Evil Town to distract the orks so Golem and Rudy and Fredo can get to the volcano. And I won t reveal what happens in the volcano except to say it involves Fredo and Rudy getting right to the very edge, but at the last second Fredo turns evil and decides not to throw the ring in, and puts it on instead so he turns invisible, buy Iggy shows up and bites off Fredo s finger and Iggy falls with the ring into the lava and Evil Town is completely destroyed. You will have to find out the rest for yourselves. I hate spoilers. You can totally leave at this point but there s an extra half hour of everyone relaxing and going home and being happy and I guess they put that in so you can realize your pants are choked with poop from all the battle scenes, so thanks. There s also an Annie Lennox song over the closing credits. ''''' How about Led Zeppelin s Ramble On , which is where they got the name Golem, or Ain t Talking Bout Love by Van Halen' Peter Jackson has proved with these films that he is the man to bring A-TEAM to the screen. Five stars. Best movie of the next four years. Neill, it s been too long since I ve gotten a good whiff of the crazy off of you. Give me a call later so we can talk about our unnatural hobbit love. And thanks a million for the review, buddy. "Moriarty" out.

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 3:59 p.m. CST

    faust 8

    by BadMrWonka

    anyone that types "loose" instead of "lose" is dead to me...Neil's reviews are hilarious, shut your just "loost" all your credibility...

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 4:05 p.m. CST


    by dogu4

    Brilliant review...I can still see it even with my eyes closed. It's got my money...anyone believe it'll fill theaters?

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 4:08 p.m. CST

    Romoehlio needs to suck a xanax

    by briantag

    Damn, boy. What was that - 12,000 words of spew?

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 4:14 p.m. CST

    Two great things always...

    by DocPazuzu

    ...come out of Neill Cumpston's reviews: 1) The laugh-out-loud reviews themselves, and 2) The hilarity of watching indignant talkbackers make complete asses of themselves while braying about how "childish", "vulgar" and "stupid" Neill is. I prematurely handed out a bunch of AICN "Mark Twain You Fucking Moron!" Awards a few days ago in the Michael Bay "tribute" video TB, but anytime a Cumpston review turns up all Twainies handed out previously during the year are automatically revoked and distributed to every talkbacker who doesn't "get" Cumpston. Special awards go to talkbackers who try to backtrack by saying "Yeah, well I know it's all a joke but I still don't think it's funny."

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 4:33 p.m. CST

    So the review is a joke on purpose.

    by Lovecraftfan

    Maybe it's just me but I didn't think it was the funniest thing ever.

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 4:39 p.m. CST

    This is the greatest review ever posted on this site

    by Razorback

    More. More.

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 5:26 p.m. CST

    Joe Bob Briggs

    by future help

    now that's a REAL reviewer. this guy?

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 5:29 p.m. CST

    Ass Picnic: Who The Fuck Is Neil Cumpston?

    by reni

    Neil, that was the best review I've ever read. Who are you? Have we met? Do you go to BNAT? You are a Genius TM! I'm drunk.

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 5:41 p.m. CST

    Funniest s**t I've ever read here

    by Yellowguy21

    Tears, man, tears from laughing so hard my stomach hurts. Harry, hire this man. Neil > Massawyrm. You NEED him.

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 5:56 p.m. CST

    Brilliant review.

    by Felix Buckman

    Kittens making candles, indeed.

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 5:59 p.m. CST

    I just got off the phone with Vern...

    by ldm882

    He wants his reviewing style back, minus the shittiness.

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 6:07 p.m. CST

    Thanks Romeholio

    by FluffyUnbound

    I forgot that one. That is without a doubt some of the funniest stuff ever posted here. [Cue people whining about the hilarity that is the movie titles MATRIX: SUDDENLY GAY and TERMINATOR: I LOVE COCK.]

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 6:10 p.m. CST

    Anyone know which Neill review it was where...

    by FluffyUnbound

    ...he wrote that the movie was so cool it was like a chicken truck crashing into a burning building at 80 MPH? I'd like to read that one again.

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 6:30 p.m. CST

    After reading this review...........

    by ronniepooch

    I suddenly feel the need to beat the living FUCK out of a few people. :-)

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 6:58 p.m. CST

    this is leading up to the war on Iran...

    by lynxpro

    Seriously. Way to juice up America for a fresh war against the Persians...excuse me...Iranians. Show us all a spectacular war movie where 300 Spartans (not counting those 700 Thebans, or the other extras) fought against 250k (now a million) Persians. I mean geez, a war with them Iranian terrorists shouldn't take a long time if 300 fey ancient Greeks could kick the krap out of 'em, right? Its like the Alamo but with togas and spears. Maybe our government should build a time machine, kidnap these 300 Spartans, and then put them in charge of guarding our nation's border against the tidal wave of illegal immigrants trying to run up our health care costs and taxes while they try to make Spanish the official language. TONIGHT, WE DINE IN TACO BELL! :)

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 6:54 p.m. CST

    Great review

    by PornKing

    Hilarious stuff.

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 7:20 p.m. CST


    by Darth Thoth

    I usually take offence to some of his reviews but this one had me on the floor! "DUDE-ITY" is the phrase of the year. Hilarous! Good stuff Neil Cumpston. Good stuff!

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 7:49 p.m. CST


    by MaulRat

    Man there are some newbie fuckers here who have probably never heard of Neill Cumpston, let alone been subjected to his hilarious brand of torture review..... The guy who had a Batman Begins review one sheet that said "BAT-TASTIC" - Rolling Stone... "The bat is back in all his glory" - TIME... "This movie kicked me in the balls and ate out my girlfriend" - AINT IT COOL... The man is either a misunderstood genius of Kubrick proportions... or a tool. Either way... we love him..................... in a strictly non-gay, non-prison movie way....... "here comes my extra large sprite at the screen"

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 7:46 p.m. CST


    by webslinger48 about trying WAY TO HARD to be funny. Where's the review? ATTENTION NEILL CUMPSTON: if you're trying to pinch a loaf, bro...and it won't squeeze out...sometimes you gotta get off the pot. Otherwise you'll pass kidney stones and a dead fetus.

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 8:06 p.m. CST

    dick, balls, kick, and poop

    by Sir Loin

    Those are the 4 words he knows best and you idiots are creaming all over yourselves. Kleenex thanks you.

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 8:19 p.m. CST


    by Mr. Nice Gaius

    Are there still Talkbackers out there who have never heard of the long standing AICN joke/regular that is Neil Cumpston??? Are you kidding me???

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 8:22 p.m. CST

    "DUDE-ITY" is a good one but...

    by Mr. Nice Gaius

    ...I was always partial to "KICK-COCK" myself.

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 8:37 p.m. CST

    Damn, that was funny!!!

    by Bot-Bot

    You certainly have a way with words, Mr. Cumpston.

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 9:02 p.m. CST


    by nationalmaverick

    You win review of the day dude. I laughed so hard.

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 9:41 p.m. CST


    by Delgarth

    This is Harry right??

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 9:44 p.m. CST

    what? No Masturbation or Orgasms?

    by LangerhansIslets

    This review sucked ass. It also failed to meet Harry's requirements for a good review, which include how many times he whacked off mid movie, how many people in front of him got drenched by it and so on. i want information, not delusions from a XXX theater employee. let me guess...he is in his sixth year at JuCo because he keeps failing ENG101... poor review.

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 10:12 p.m. CST

    great review.

    by zombieslayer

    reading it turned all of my bodily fluids roadioactive, and also made me spontaneously lose all of them at once.

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 11:08 p.m. CST

    so can time travel *and* turn invisible?

    by Onomaki Forp

    who do you think you are Christopher Eccleston or somebody?

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 11:10 p.m. CST

    It's not an anagram...

    by Onomaki Forp

    ...his real name is obviously Not Spmucllien.

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 11:16 p.m. CST

    BSB, *I'm* an assficionado?

    by Onomaki Forp

    I think I've mentioned ass maybe once in every ten billionth of the times you've gone off into anal alalyses in your posts. If I had a tuppence for every time you mentioned arse I could go retire and live in the country like a real lady. Oh yes and may the Forp be with you. (saw through my subtle disguise eh?)

  • Feb. 9, 2007, 11:48 p.m. CST


    by Jack9599

    Hopefully, the Spartans will win this time!

  • Feb. 10, 2007, 2:03 a.m. CST

    Ah Hell I need a WHISKEY HAMMER

    by darth jobu

    This guy IS the whiskey hammer, while said ass is getting kicked. Oh and this movie sounds really amazing.

  • Feb. 10, 2007, 2:07 a.m. CST


    by chaffg

    Journey! Wow what a crazy reference! Lol (laugh out loud) !

  • Feb. 10, 2007, 4:53 a.m. CST

    In the middle of this...

    by jasper Stillwell

    let's remember Synder is the guy who's making The Watchmen...rather than Paul Greengrass. Now THAT would have been a film.

  • Feb. 10, 2007, 5:07 a.m. CST

    Moriarty expects to be using the word Dudeity-

    by seppukudkurosawa

    for the rest of his life?<p> </p>I'm guessing you work in a hair salon part time...?

  • Feb. 10, 2007, 4:57 a.m. CST

    Cool, cool

    by Ribbons

    Not one of Neill's better reviews IMO, but the term "dudeity" is priceless. It's right up there with "ballstomp."

  • Feb. 10, 2007, 6:06 a.m. CST

    How come the bearded guy is always shouting?

    by Doc_Strange

    Every time I see the commercial, the guy with the beard is shouting something, making reference to this being Sparta. I fucking get it, you don't have to shout.

  • Feb. 10, 2007, 6:04 a.m. CST


    by Ribbons

    Are you a troll or something? What does the kind of music people listen to have to do with anything, you weirdo?

  • Feb. 10, 2007, 6:21 a.m. CST


    by Doc_Strange

    No cuz right now I'm fucking your mom and your sister.

  • Feb. 10, 2007, 8:19 a.m. CST


    by TheUglyBaby


  • Feb. 10, 2007, 8:21 a.m. CST

    Messi? We all blew a load in your mom's face...

    by TheUglyBaby

    He he he

  • Feb. 10, 2007, 9:18 a.m. CST

    And I wonder what Messi listens to

    by MrJJonz


  • Feb. 10, 2007, 9:53 a.m. CST

    Anybody seen Richie?

    by Motoko Kusanagi

    I keep coming back until someone REMEMBERS seeing Richie!

  • Feb. 10, 2007, 10:08 a.m. CST

    Star Wars: Every Cock in the Universe Up My Ass Part II

    by spud mcspud

    Fucking genius. Cumpston is stone cold the funniest fucking reviewer in the known universe. Whiskey hammer. Three machine gun dick. This man should have his own movie. Awesome. Messi, Cumpston is now giving it to you hardcore stylee. Represent.

  • Feb. 10, 2007, 10:49 a.m. CST


    by brokenheadstuff

    his xmen 2 review was WAY funnier.. this is almost tame in comparison.

  • Feb. 10, 2007, 11:06 a.m. CST

    Messi? We banged your dog, too.

    by TheUglyBaby

    He was better than your mom. And, by the way? No one would fuck your sister. In fact, she is covered with little liny bruises caused by guys touching her with 10 foot poles.

  • Feb. 10, 2007, 11:25 a.m. CST

    Is the reviewer actually 9 years old?

    by JacksParasites


  • Feb. 10, 2007, 11:54 a.m. CST

    Bad review

    by Col. Tigh-Fighter

    And a homophobe too. Doth protest too much? Next you'll be telling me Rome has too mucg dude-ity for you. Jesus, grow up

  • Feb. 10, 2007, 12:32 p.m. CST

    " don’t know what the title has to do with the movie"

    by AllPowerfulWizardOfOz

    And then in the next paragraph he says "It’s about these 300 Greek dudes who stomp the sugar-coated shit out of like a million other dudes" Ok fella sounds like you're not playing a full deck. I will see this movie. It's Frank Miller for chirst sake! No matter what the reviews are the visuals are going to be sick but I have HIGH hopes about this one and review or no review it's got my ticket money.

  • Feb. 10, 2007, 12:52 p.m. CST

    Neil Cumpston=Wayne Campbell????

    by Otter

    Thie movie had Dude-ity...HURL! But throw in the naked babes, right Garth? Babe-tacular, Wayne.

  • Feb. 10, 2007, 2:29 p.m. CST

    don’t know what the title has to do with the movie

    by Necromunda

    "It’s about these 300 Greek dudes" God I almost died laughing. I hope that was a joke, or did you hit your head on a rock when you were surfing dude...

  • Feb. 10, 2007, 2:29 p.m. CST

    don’t know what the title has to do with the movie

    by Necromunda

    "It’s about these 300 Greek dudes" God I almost died laughing. I hope that was a joke, or did you hit your head on a rock when you were surfing dude...

  • Feb. 10, 2007, 2:30 p.m. CST

    double post, damn

    by Necromunda

    double post, damn

  • Feb. 10, 2007, 2:25 p.m. CST

    Attention Necromunda, AllPowerfulWizardofOz...

    by DocPazuzu

    ...Col. Tigh Fighter and JacksParasites. If you wish to avoid looking like complete tools, read the talkbacks before posting, okay?

  • Feb. 10, 2007, 2:45 p.m. CST

    fan boys grease up

    by tainted_you

    Christ, what do you all do? Grease up and chain fuck each other? Dudeity? Great word except it's not and it's stolen from some issue of Maxim. Go organize your Jackass collection and quit using "dude" and "cool" in every sentence. RE: exclamation marks. Shit is free too so perhaps you'll utilize that in the future in your title lines - oh wait, you already did.

  • Feb. 10, 2007, 4:41 p.m. CST

    Wow, DocPazuzu you can time travel too...

    by Onomaki Forp

    ...chastising Necromunda *before* he actualy posted. BSB once said that I in my former life was "your bitch" and I was all prepared to accept this honour with pride. Even got an official jersey just like Sammy Davis Junior Junior in that movie starring Fredo from Hobbit-Man: The King Returns, you know "Everyone is Illuminati"? ANyway, I am unfortunately inable to be your Jersey bitch (hair not big enough) because 5and5makes12 (also now in another form) wouldn't share his "bitch/sheep/product". Would you know what form my former playmates 5and5 and Dorothy are now manifesting?

  • Feb. 10, 2007, 4:33 p.m. CST

    Not Cumpston's best....

    by Cartagia

    I still call him "Fuck Yeah Wolverine" despite the shitfest part 3 was, but good nonetheless.

  • Feb. 10, 2007, 5:22 p.m. CST

    ATTENTION DocPazuzu, you must be the tool

    by AllPowerfulWizardOfOz

    Sorry I don't spend my time reading every single entry here on the talkbacks. I actually have a life so when I get a second here or there I glance at this site and see what's shaken. I read the reviews and make a post. I don't spend time reading every single entry in the tallback. I do read those who repsond to mine though so call me narcissistic. I guess I am not fanboy enough for you. Boo fucking hoo. Choke on a turd.

  • Feb. 10, 2007, 6:04 p.m. CST

    "Wall-mart that sells ball-stomp"?

    by Billyeveryteen

    How are refunds handled?

  • Feb. 10, 2007, 6:44 p.m. CST

    Onomaki Forp

    by Mr. Nice Gaius

    Prof. Ikamono I presume?<P>Speaking of time travel, I figured it was only a matter of *time* before that machine of yours took you guys to the Era of Bannishment.

  • Feb. 10, 2007, 6:56 p.m. CST

    Yes, it is the silly things that sends one off...

    by Onomaki Forp

    ...into limbo, whilst some truly vile hatemongers still spew about freely. Such is the way of the world.

  • Feb. 10, 2007, 7:13 p.m. CST

    Patton or this guy

    by shellfishh

    There really is a Neil Cumpston and I've found him.

  • Feb. 10, 2007, 7:39 p.m. CST

    That's NeiL Cumpston, Our man is NeiLL Cumpston...

    by Onomaki Forp

    ...with two LL's like a character from Superman. Dig?

  • Feb. 10, 2007, 8:12 p.m. CST

    Um, AllPowerfulWizardofOz...

    by 'Cholera's Ghost

    I friend-i-ly suggest you retract your statement and get the fuck out of here before DocPazuzu returns. I'll cover your escape! now,--Move Move Move! RUN man, RUN!!! Run like all the hounds of Hell are behind you! :-)

  • Feb. 10, 2007, 9:31 p.m. CST


    by performingmonkey

    Unfortunately the above statement is actually accurate.

  • Feb. 10, 2007, 10:27 p.m. CST

    All the 12 Year Olds LOVE The Review!

    by CatInHat

    We get it dude, you're straight. You like naked chicks. A lot. You just can't stop thinking about all those nude guys though. That's why you have to write about how much you hate it - right?

  • Feb. 10, 2007, 10:34 p.m. CST

    BTW: Dude-ity Origin

    by CatInHat So much for originality

  • Feb. 10, 2007, 11:17 p.m. CST


    by Onomaki Forp

    But is it really dudity? I mean the Spartans didn't believe in using as much protection as did er, the Trojans, but from what I've seen this "dudity" looks about as tame as your funny great-uncle's well worn issue of Physique Pictorial. I mean posing straps and all! If we're going to have dudity let it be real and for true dudity - - the kind that really disturbs the reaction formation inclined around here, you know what I mean, The Full Monty Python. Just like that scene in The Life of Brian where you stop and say "shouldn't he be circumcised?"

  • Feb. 10, 2007, 11:31 p.m. CST

    I don't know about you but I

    by filmstu2005

    I don't know about you but I love the graphic epic look and feel this movie has. I'm hoping that if Wonder Woman the movie is set in the 1940s that it will sort of mimick or be similar to the look of this film. It would be brilliant. And besides, nothing wrong with having naked Amazons on Themiscyra walking around. Neil just might get his wish...

  • Feb. 10, 2007, 11:29 p.m. CST

    filmstu please it's Neill, not Neil!

    by Onomaki Forp

    If you had two L's would you like it if someone kept lopping one of yours off? That being said I agree with the whole "epic look" thing you said, I dig the whole make the movie *really* look like the comic thing that seems to have started with Sin City. Rather than lame attemps to make it look "comic-book style" which can hurt a film. Anyway remember it's Neill! Neill! Neill before ZOD!!!

  • Feb. 10, 2007, 11:30 p.m. CST

    chrth I did it!

    by Onomaki Forp


  • Feb. 11, 2007, 1:37 a.m. CST

    According to my history prof, the Spartan city-state...

    by DarthCorleone

    ...not only did approved of homosexuality, but they actually encouraged it in the military ranks. The idea is that you're likely to fight harder when it's your lover next to you on the field of battle. So, that would be a realistic reason for the dearth of breasts that this reviewer decries. Anyway, I always just thought that was an interesting factoid.

  • Feb. 11, 2007, 2:19 a.m. CST

    Cholera's Ghost , I am shaking my keyboard in fear

    by AllPowerfulWizardOfOz

    lol you know I could really truly give a shit what DocPazuzu thinks because after all he's just another keyboard commando hiding behind a screen name like everyone else. It's not going to ruin my life or shatter my ego if he has some witty comeback where everyone is like "oooo ahhh that will teach him". It's a website to post a rant about movies. There are no illusions on this end as to what it is. If he truly gets his panties in a bunch over it and wants to let it get to him then let him. I take all this with a grain of salt and I am here to have some fun and rant myself. Everyone likes to be heard or none of us would be here. I am just selective as to what I chose to read and I am not going to spend my time reading every single talkback as he seems to do based on his response. Fuck um. Let him flame me I am not retracting shit. I could care less lol, I'll just retort with my own flame and we can have the pissing contest to see who can take it further. It will be fun. Or it may just end here with this post. But thanks for looking out ;-)

  • Feb. 11, 2007, 2:36 a.m. CST


    by DocPazuzu

    I might have considered posting a scathing reply in which I once more -- perhaps more directly -- pointed out what an ass you are for 1) not seeing a joke review for what it is, and 2) trying to score cheap points by showing yourself superior to the intellect of the joke reviewer's shtick, and 3) getting all huffy and indignant when shown what an ass you are. However, since you actually typed "lol" in your post, anything else I might have to say is automatically superfluous.

  • Feb. 11, 2007, 7:57 a.m. CST

    "The unspeakable vice of the Greeks"

    by Onomaki Forp

    So unspeakable that nobody can talk about anything else! While it is true that the Sacred Band of Thebes was the "Army of Lovers" (eventually to be defeated by Alexander), the Spartans did in fact have some interesting sexual traditions. Boys were raised without any contact with females once they were whelped, they were raised in military camps and not given enough food to survive. They had to steal food, but would be cruelly punished if caught doing so - - this led to them being hard little bastards. They were only allowed to see girls on very special religious holidays...and then ONLY allowed to SEE them. Naked. And writhing in an ecstatic ritual dance. The lads got all worked up into a frenzy, then were forced back into their barracks where of course rampant buggery ensued. Once a Soldier (they were all soldiers - any one unfit for military service didn't live) came of age he was allowed to marry. But he was only allowed to see his wife once a year, and then only at night. He was expected to have sex with his wife all night long and leave her pregnant, then he could not touch her again until after the child was born. So whilst not in exclusive homosexual love-relationships like the Sacred Band of Thebes, the Spartans nevertheless relied on same-sex fuck buddies as their primary sexual outlet. All the while holding women and heterosexual relations on a high pedestal of religious mystery.

  • Feb. 11, 2007, 10:19 a.m. CST

    Ares, Ares, Ares, I'm going to love this movie!

    by kabong

    Come and get them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Feb. 11, 2007, 12:03 p.m. CST

    DocPazuzu "huffy and indignant"

    by AllPowerfulWizardOfOz

    "huffy and indignant" I am? Thanks for pointing that out now I can face the truth and deal with my anger. Are you for real? Insert emoticon here ---> LOL Just curious though is "ass" just an attempt at an initialism for some super secret fanboy club that you belong to or did you mean to call me an "asshole"? I don't mind being the "ass" but being referred to the brown starfish I just can't handle and I may have to kill myself. You're still cracking me up! I take none of this serious and in no way am I "huffy and indignant" but I may have to use that line now in some more subject matter to replace the "Gotta Eat" just to be the "ass" and annoy you. Then again, nah. Don't worry DocPazuzu I hold no grudge. Maybe I didn't get the joke of the review but maybe you should be more careful yourself to realize that some of us have not been on here very long and there are better ways of pointing out to newcomers what is and what is not a common theme with some of the people who post reviews on here in reference to it being a joke instead of just bashing someone without thinking first yourself like maybe we did because then you are just as much of an "ass" as those who made the post to begin with that you are bashing in return. Not everyone "gets it" right away until they have been on here for awhile. Capeache?

  • Feb. 11, 2007, 12:21 p.m. CST


    by Cobbio

    Great review, Neil. Good to have you back.<p> Oh, and I pretty agree with DocPazuzu about WizardofOz.

  • Feb. 11, 2007, 1:55 p.m. CST

    Best review ever...

    by Laza-rus

    ...just hilarious.

  • Feb. 11, 2007, 2:04 p.m. CST

    Well, AllPowerfulWizardOfOz...

    by DocPazuzu

    ...if you don't know the difference between "ass" and "asshole" then I can't help you. And blaming your noobness for not "getting" Cumpston doesn't make you sound any less like an ass, capiche?

  • Feb. 11, 2007, 2:54 p.m. CST

    I Love That Word

    by diskjokk

    I don't know who this reviewer is but he is awesome. Dude-ity?! Yeah, time to spread this word around.

  • Feb. 11, 2007, 3:12 p.m. CST

    I have a machine gun for a dick and it is NOT cool

    by Itchy

    Ask my 1029 ex-wives.

  • Feb. 11, 2007, 5:55 p.m. CST

    DocPazuzu STILL "huffy and indignant"

    by AllPowerfulWizardOfOz

    You're such a witty fellow. That's it? That's all you got? I am an ass? Ok, I am an ass. Feel better? Well you got me on my mis spell. Go you!

  • Feb. 11, 2007, 6:44 p.m. CST

    Brobdingnag takes the baton from Oz

    by FluffyUnbound

    And he's running down the track of Obtusity as fast as he can, while Oz towels off and shares a Gatorade with Pazuzu. Don't worry Brob, somebody else will take the baton from you presently.

  • Feb. 11, 2007, 10:13 p.m. CST

    Best Review I've ever read here!

    by FrodoFraggins


  • Feb. 11, 2007, 10:30 p.m. CST

    Are you people fucking

    by AndyMacDonald

    Are you people fucking kidding me? This review sounds like some 15 year old trying to channel Seanbaby and Maddox.

  • Feb. 12, 2007, 4:38 a.m. CST

    Neill Cumpston should review everything

    by Fuck The Napkin

    All his reviews make me go and see the movie straight away, partly so I can understand what the fuck he's ranting about. Love your work, Neill.

  • Feb. 12, 2007, 11:31 a.m. CST

    The only other film critics who should review this...

    by Onomaki Forp

    ...are Dwayne Edwards and Antoine Marryweather. Two Snaps Up in a Circle!!!

  • Feb. 12, 2007, 1:59 p.m. CST

    Man, it's shocking how many n00blets are here.....

    by Ultron ver 2.0

    that don't know about Cumpston and his reviews. Kinda sad.....they've missed out on some hysterical reviews. I guess I must be an adolescent retard for liking them. *shrug* Oh, by the way, can someone bring back the original BATTLEPOSTER? How the fuck did that guy get banned, and we still have Chicken George VII demonstrating how unfunny he is?

  • Feb. 12, 2007, 4 p.m. CST

    I think...

    by yorickfinn

    Pauline Kael just shat herself.

  • Feb. 13, 2007, 6:58 a.m. CST

    Excellent review!

    by adelecible

    This is one of the coolest and funniest reviews I've ever seen. And pretty useful, too. It shows that it's a movie for guys and that I'll probably not like it as I don't like the transporter. It is also very useful because it convinced me to go see the Dude-ity ;) After all, smart girls also have the right to like a meaningless parade of naked dudes!

  • Feb. 13, 2007, 7:52 a.m. CST

    Blade II review

    by Fuck The Napkin

    I loved the idea of a movie that "kicks ass with a boot made of burning meat".

  • Feb. 13, 2007, 4:22 p.m. CST

    American Films haven't been decent for decades

    by imthegrk

    It's lame retards such as yourself, that let projects like this get green lit. Heavy Metal in an ancient greek battle!!?? Aren't you embarassed to be in the theatre when you hear such out of place bullshit. Of course there was male nudity, IT WAS ANCIENT GREECE, they were all fucking eachother back then!!! Michael Bay needs to stop catering to this bullshit, jackass demographic. It's 'Armageddon', again, again, and over again. It would be different if the film was at least campy or fun.

  • Feb. 14, 2007, 7:01 a.m. CST

    this review made me cry with laughter.

    by mr. brownstone

    but on a darker note, isn't this the guy who spooged all over Matrix Reloaded? My expectations are still in check but this was one of the most entertaining reviews EVER written. How's that for hyperbole?

  • Feb. 14, 2007, 11:20 p.m. CST

    It's been too long, Neil!

    by moviemaniac-7

    Dude-ity... Definately a word to be used in the near future! We need more Neil Cumpston reviews! More, I say!

  • Feb. 15, 2007, 5:16 a.m. CST


    by adelecible

    messi, you're so right! And since real life doesn't have a background music playing, any genre would be historically incorrect, so... whatever fits best with the movie atmosphere, works for me! Ladyhawk had an annoying 80's soundtrack and it's still a great fantasy movie (well, at least for girls, hehe)

  • Feb. 15, 2007, 12:29 p.m. CST

    nerd humour

    by misnomer

    Ill never understand it.

  • Feb. 16, 2007, 8:32 p.m. CST

    Dude ...

    by valkyrieanne

    Some of us LIKE naked guys. We can see naked women in the locker room all we want ... BORING... But naked Gerard Butler, mrrrraooowwwww...

  • Feb. 23, 2007, 3:07 p.m. CST


    by Brian Laesch

    Trott Felipe uses a lot of !!!!'s too, so I'm totally down with this post.

  • Feb. 23, 2007, 6:50 p.m. CST


    by jjn1268019

    THIS MOVIE IS GOING TO SUCK! DUDITY IS THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG! This is "TROY 2", a wannabe Gladiator with no plot just carnage. Dont get me wrong I like to see carnage as much as the next guy but there has to be some story with decent characters, not some ultra-gay Greeks swinging their dicks and axes all over the place. This is a homo-movie, made for homos, by homos...Frank Miller is a homo, and Sin City licked and sucked fat faggot balls and gargled a tub full of come. This movie will suck * 300 = shit. WARNING: MOVIE WILL SUCK! WAIT FOR THE DVD!

  • March 9, 2007, 1:47 p.m. CST

    300 review

    by charlie819

    That was the funniest f------ thing I have ever heard!!!

  • March 12, 2007, 5:21 p.m. CST

    Uh, first of all, if you've

    by SyxxShooter

    Uh, first of all, if you've watched the movie and still don't know what "300" means, you're a retard. It's "300" Spartans against an army of Persians. And I'm talking millions of Persians. That's the meaning of "300." Jesus titty fucking Christ, pay attention more.

  • March 12, 2007, 5:25 p.m. CST

    "[..]and a hunchback who

    by SyxxShooter

    "[..]and a hunchback who looks like he’s got Rosie O’Donnell on his back." I HAVE NEVER LAUGHED SO HARD IN MY LIFE! It's so true!

  • March 20, 2007, 5:48 p.m. CST

    Best Movie of 07 thus far

    by Sexy Cali Chik

    This movie was great!!! I am a chick, but violence does not offend me. Niether does the on-screen sausage fest, but I'm not offended by boobs either. Anyways subject at hand, I saw this at the local theater, but now I'm going to see it in IMAX. Anyone curious about this movie- go see that shit!!! You won't feel shitty about paying the 10-15 bucks for the ticket : )