Ain't It Cool News (www.aintitcool.com)
Review

Harry runs over THE HITCHER remake, puts it in reverse and backs over it, then runs over it again!

Wow – what a fucking waste of time, money and cars. I know – I’m that guy that has enjoyed the hell out of the Platinum Dunes remakes of classics like THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE films and the AMITYVILLE HORROR one. Now – both of those series – the original versions – are wonderful films that I love. THE HITCHER is no different. I love the original film. I don’t care how fucked up Eric Red may be – I love Rutger Hauer and C Thomas Howell and Jennifer Jason Leigh. I think the biggest difference here is this. The youngsters they cast in this… are just terrible. Absolutely terrible. And Sean Bean… well, he’s as good as Sean Bean can be, but Sean Bean may try to be psychotic… but Rutger Hauer really is psychotic. There’s something broken in Rutger’s brain that’s reflected in those “give a fuck” eyes of his that just tells you… DON’T FUCK WITH HIM. Sean Bean, well – he’s no nonsense. But I can’t imagine him butt-fucking anyone – or masturbating to a photo then using the cum to stick it to the wall alongside his other conquests… In otherwords, Sean Bean doesn’t have the crazy baggage that comes with Rutger Hauer, simply because he made those early Dutch films with Verhoeven. And in the original film… it was that unhinged crazy fucking actor background that Hauer lent to the character of John Ryder. Then there’s the factoid that they drained 100% of the character out of the “kid in the car” character. C Thomas Howell was a bright eyed – wimpy – nerdy kid that just wanted company to keep him up. He wasn’t some chiseled buff boy. He certainly didn’t have a girlfriend. Hell, one would have to strain to think that C Thomas Howell had ever sprouted a hair in the valley of nuts. He was a boy driving cross-country on his very first adventure. And Rutger Hauer was the big bad wolf on his Goldilocks ass. He was gonna make the boy, nut up and be a man. That dynamic is totally gone. Now they have Ken and Barbie out for their Spring Break vacation. There’s nothing significant. They’re not good Samaritans. They’re cautious cynical kids of today. Not wide-eyed, not ready for adventure and the world ahead of them. They’re just as well developed as the characters in FRIDAY THE 13TH movies. This bugs the shit out of me. Now I know. C Thomas Howell has never been accused of being a great actor – but in THE HITCHER, he had a great character that he fit perfectly. And by the end of that original film, there was something awesome about the hell that Rutger put Howell through. And there was something almost mystical and mythical about the relationship between the two of them. None of that is here. There’s no Homoeroticism. There’s no real tension. There are some awesome car stunts – and a couple of great gore moments. And the film is real pretty. With THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE remake – I said it was like the Hollywood Version of the reality that was Tobe Hooper’s classic original. Here, the original HITCHER was 100% Hollywood fare. It was the Hollywood take on Spielberg’s DUEL. And it was absolutely perfectly cast and played. This film is the definition of a pointless remake. It feels utterly pointless. The female switch is weak. It isn’t like they built her character to be a submissive mousy girl that had to become a strong-willed powerful woman that was forced to grow up and stop hiding behind her man, which she was using as her shield from reality – to be her own person. That’s not the case here. There’s not really a transformation of any kind. By anyone anywhere in the film. The fucked up beauty of the original was that C Thomas had gone all the way from innocence – to possibly being A WOLF. You could believe that Howell would become what Hauer was. Utterly psychotic. Here – you just get the idea that possibly the girl might spend some time crying in a pillow. Oh – and there’s very possibly the lamest shower love scene in history in this film. Completely posed. Absolutely PG NICK AT NITE. TERRIBLE. Oh – and there’s all these cute BIRDS references – as if they’re reminding us… or threatening us… “We’re gonna do THE BIRDS next, ready or not!” That was real annoying. If I may. Go buy the DVD for the original HITCHER this weekend instead of seeing this. It’s a vastly better film.

Readers Talkback
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  • Jan. 19, 2007, 1:46 a.m. CST

    yikes

    by BadMrWonka

    too bad there's a huge ad for it on the top right of my screen. I have to shield my eyes!<br><br>thanks for the heads up, big guy.

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 1:49 a.m. CST

    i donno about this...

    by s0nicdeathmonkey

    yup

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 1:49 a.m. CST

    first

    by werewolfbynight

    wow. never thought i would say that. The original hithcher is a remarkable film. I agree with Harry. Buy or rent the dvd this weeend and watch it with your most deranged friends.

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 1:58 a.m. CST

    About what I figured.

    by WONKABAR

    Nice review, thanks for the head's-up. I started to have higher hopes for this cuz I dig Sean Bean...but alas, I think I'll just re-watch the original which I own. Thanks for reminding of just how cool that flick was/is Harry...nailed it. Hauer & Howell were quite a couple.

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 2:03 a.m. CST

    Couldn't agree more.

    by Psyclops

    I went to a screening of this movie tonight and it was nothing more than a pointless rehash of the original only pumped up with MTV-style editing and a Top 40's soundtrack. What a waste of time.

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 2:05 a.m. CST

    Well said Harry

    by kwisatzhaderach

    The Hitcher is a classic, this remake can take a jump.

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 2:15 a.m. CST

    Snakes on a train!!!!

    by Snikkar124

    What the hell do you know!!!!But you`re rigth here:)

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 2:29 a.m. CST

    Aw, c'mon, its Sean Bean!!!

    by TallBoy66

    Heck, I'm thinking of watching this just to watch Sean Bean do his thang, for he is good at his thang.

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 2:29 a.m. CST

    I thought The Fog was the defining..

    by Brody77

    ..pointless remake? There's not one redeeming feature about that film - and that was WITH John Carpenter's involvement! Having said that, I thought the original Hitcher was bollocks anyway, so wouldn't watch this even with Richard Sharpe as the bad guy.

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 2:37 a.m. CST

    Hollywood is like...

    by davidlyons

    paris hilton. THEY JUST DON'T GET IT!!! as i've said before let's find out what their favorite books, t.v and films are and piss all over them , see how they like it!

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 2:38 a.m. CST

    100% Right On Harry!

    by JAGUART

    Thanks for the heads up!

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 2:47 a.m. CST

    Is it better than The Hitcher 2?

    by DirkD13"

    Jake Busey is a crazy looking fucker, more so than his old man, (who's just crazy).

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 3:06 a.m. CST

    duh

    by Bob C. Cock

    pretty soon, hollywood will start remaking the remakes. then where will we be?

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 3:05 a.m. CST

    Gary Busey should've been THE HITCHER in this new one.

    by wackybantha

    And the younglings should've been 2 unknowns that are not model pretty and can act.

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 3:06 a.m. CST

    I hope I'm alive for the star wars remakes.

    by wackybantha

    That should be a hoot!!!

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 3:14 a.m. CST

    Eric Red killed some people

    by nopix

    crazy stuff actually

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 3:15 a.m. CST

    "There's no homoeroticism"

    by NachoNegro

    Isn't this a good thing? I mean, I'm not saying I am homophobic - at all. But I don't necessarily want to see any romantic male on male subtexts (and I certainly don't want to see any Rutger Hauer inspired buttf%$king). Besides Harry, just because a film has male leads does not automatically make it homoerotic. Was 'The Thing' homoerotic?

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 3:19 a.m. CST

    Was 'The Thing' homoerotic?

    by keepcoolbutcare

    Well, MacReady and Childs have to keep warm somehow, I know some fags who dig on Wilford Brimley, and there was nary a woman to be found...

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 3:21 a.m. CST

    SEAN BEAN GOTTA EAT...A FINGER IN THE FRENCH FRIES

    by MaxCalifornia.

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 3:25 a.m. CST

    Holy Jeez...

    by ViolentN8

    When even the big man decides to rip the shit out of your film, instead of staying mysteriously silent through opening weekend while AICN advertisers run banner ads like a motherfucker, then you are in SERIOUS fuckin' trouble mac! I vaguely remember the original from its HBO run in the 80's but I will cast my vote for Hauer Psycho > Bean Psycho. Then again maybe Harry is only pissed cause his cranium isn't featured in this one.

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 3:24 a.m. CST

    Sean Bean...

    by Seph_J

    .... I love you.

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 3:42 a.m. CST

    Damn good, Harry.

    by JackPumpkinhead

    And about what I was expecting. Too bad they got Sean Bean for it, though. Gary Busey's son from -- ha ha -- "The Hitcher II" would've fit such a pile of crap much better. Er, that is, much worse. Er, much better -- which in the case of such movies means "worse"...

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 3:45 a.m. CST

    Eric Red

    by mr. brownstone

    Eric Red suffers from a brain disorder that makes him have blackouts. He blacked out while driving and drove into a restaurant injuring several people and killing one (I beleive). It was only after this incident that he was properly diagnosed. I thought that was worth clarifying.

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 4 a.m. CST

    There's something broken in Rutger’s brain

    by BannedOnTheRun

    Great observation; check out his eyes at the climax of Blade Runner (of course you already have, right)? He owned Mr. Indiana Jones/Han Solo with just a stare. The man would be scary eating a bowl of Trix at the kitchen table. "Wake up...time to rent the original."

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 4:26 a.m. CST

    Fuckin' A Harry

    by Doc_Strange

    Like I said in another talkback, the original Hitcher was note perfect. All cast members played their roles as such. Also, the fact that the movie was based on The Doors song, Riders on the Storm made it even better because the song totally goes with the film. Not so much in this case. Again, if you hate Michael Bay, don't put money in his pockets by seeing this. Otherwise we'll get more of his godawful films.

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 4:31 a.m. CST

    If they picked Tom Cruise...

    by JackPumpkinhead

    ...they'd have to sit him on five New York phone books, or nobody would've seen him. Huh huh huh.

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 4:39 a.m. CST

    "It feels utterly pointless"

    by CHUDfucker

    "but that AIN'T stopping us from having banners for the dumb-shit remake all over our site!!!"

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 4:46 a.m. CST

    The Red Scoop

    by YND

    LA Weekly did a big article about the incident a year ago. (Which I believe Red disputed and threatened legal action if it was published.) Crazy shit. According to the article (as I remember it), Red's Grand Cherokee slammed into a bar in 2000 and two people were killed. He then apparently tried to stab himself with a pool cue at the scene and, when that failed, he slashed his throat with a broken glass. I don't remember how it all shook down, but there was much speculation as to whether he'd really blacked out behind the wheel as he claimed later or was experiencing road rage from a fenderbender. I don't remember the details... looks like you can get the link to the article off Red's wikipedia entry.

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 5:43 a.m. CST

    Red or dead

    by Judge Dredds Dirty Undies

    I read that LA weekly article on Eric Red, damn thats some fucked up shit. All very suspicious.

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 6:25 a.m. CST

    I think Harry's point is...

    by weebay

    That the original Hitcher had a bit of homoerotic subtext. That's all he's saying.

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 6:31 a.m. CST

    I didn't, geek molester

    by Talkbacker with no name

    I didn't think it would suck monkey cock...I thought it would suck the spunk out of an elephant!

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 6:33 a.m. CST

    wow, Harry's first negative review since...X3?

    by eppdude

    Been a long time. Almost forgot what that sounded like.

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 6:38 a.m. CST

    The best thing about these remakes...

    by Tin Snoman

    is that maybe people will say, "Hey, I've never seen the original," and interest will be generated. Which is why the trend continues - studios make money on both versions. Though I'm sure I won't be quite so pragmatic about it if they remake The Thing...

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 7:03 a.m. CST

    ..........HARRY GOTTA EAT

    by Finchmeister

    History has been made, and you have all witnessed it.

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 7:12 a.m. CST

    somebody didnt cut harry a check in time for this one

    by triplefive

    ouch

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 7:31 a.m. CST

    I bet if Harry's severed finger were in the new Hitcher

    by Nice Marmot

    he'd have liked it as much as the Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake.

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 7:30 a.m. CST

    You could tell it was shit from the trailer

    by BenBraddock

    Got to agree with Harry; see the original instead, kids

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 7:43 a.m. CST

    It takes a special kind of sucky...

    by PreciousRoy

    ...to make C. Thomas Howell look good. Right away, the decision to make the one character two and turn Jennifer Jason Leigh's waitress into the guy... a-sucks. Right up there with Zombie making Michael Myers a Jason ripoff. They've destroyed the brilliant parts of the original, like the waitress' potential fear that she might be helping the killer. I remember the cops repeatedly apologizing for not believing the kid's story after the waitress was murdered, and how burned out and bitter he was. That was a memorable performance, and Howell sold it. He wasn't just a himbo-- he had acting chops, and he displayed them. I look at remakes like this and laugh at directors who are arrogant and foolish enough to think they know better than what the original creators did.

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 7:51 a.m. CST

    "But I can’t imagine him butt-fucking anyone..."

    by Zarles

    Oh, sure you can. Just close your eyes and try real hard. Anyway, how surprising is it that there's no homoeroticism in this flick? This is one of many problems with Hollywood today - they care FAR less about making a interesting, challenging movie than they are with pumping out "edgy" dogshit that will be safe to air advertisements for on TRL. Despite what MTV might tell you, the current generation of teeny-boppers is insanely homophobic. Just like their parents, I'm sure. Thanks, Mom and Dad!

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 7:57 a.m. CST

    Sean Bean is a traitor!

    by Spandau Belly

    GoldenEye, Ronin, Lord of the Rings...<br><br>I'll see The Hitcher just to see a movie where he doesn't wig out and turn on everybody.<br><br>Just kidding, I won't see this.

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 8:05 a.m. CST

    I never saw the original

    by emeraldboy

    Whose reputation for pure terror was such that you went, hmmmm, think I'll pass. That has to do with one man Rutger Hauer. Its power as a films is this ....HITCHHIKING IS A BAD.

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 8:07 a.m. CST

    But you have a big ad up for it...

    by Kid Z

    ... but I dunno, take money from it, then eviscerate it... that's actually kinda cool!

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 8:07 a.m. CST

    shocking...

    by biggles2_22

    No not the "two in the pink and one in the stink" shocking. As always, there's this "hey, it wasn't broke so let's fix it" mentality in Hollywood. Hauer was the man and could not be imitated. Next up, Blade Runner Redux starring Triple H as Roy Batty!

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 8:22 a.m. CST

    "Gotta Eat" never gets old...

    by biggles2_22

    Oh wait, no, it is old! November 2006 called and they want their "Gotta Eat" back.

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 8:32 a.m. CST

    Hitcher/Harry/Checks

    by Lerkst

    The ads pay for the site--that's the answer to the naysayers who wonder why Harry would give a negative review to a this film--he's being honest. But there's something else that seems to hover to this day on this site; Harry's influence over Hollywood. It is all generated by two things; Harry himself, and the media talking about Harry generating this buzz. Listen, Harry has no influence in LALA land. In the late nineties, yes, he was a 'poster child' for geek movie sites and all that. But it's passed. There is no power from Austin to Hollywood, zero. Anyone who tells you different has a hidden agenda for themselves. Harry has no experience in the business, and DONT tell me he does, so why would anyone who produces films worry about his influence. His reviews, and the name dropping that happens all the time is just role-playing; and that's ok with me--I just don't kid myself to the truth. Look, Aint it Cool is a great site, I visit it everyday. As long as it provides me with information I like, and enjoy- then fine. But DONT be fooled by Harry; he is not Sammy Goldwyn or even Kevin Smith. He's just a guy who lucked into some fame with his site, and his ego has gotten out of control. The studios control what Harry reads/sees and what he doesn't read/see---it's always been that way. The minute he denies (or anyone denies) this, there's the proof. Yes, some directors have flown Harry somewhere---but it was all in their hands, they knew he would side with them. That's not influence; it's servitude. I accept all this fine; Harry's a kid, plain and simple. I appreciate the passion he has for movies, I enjoy many articles on this site. But don't be fooled; this isn't a breeding ground for the studios. It's just a movie buff's basement on steroids.

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 8:54 a.m. CST

    What ads?

    by Wogga Wogga

    I don't see ANY ads on the site - thank God! Adblock is blocking that shit :P

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 9:02 a.m. CST

    A 'The Birds' remake wouldn't be such a bad idea...

    by wolvenom

    I've seen the original a dozen times and think a modern spin on it could do fucking wonders. First there's the technology we have now... you can make the birds a lot more viscious, and cgi massive armies of them. Lastly, a remake would fit in perfectly with the whole global warming shit with the environment thats going on these days... a small commentary of how we're destroying our world along with the killer birds. Just because the psycho remake sucked balls doesn't mean a birds remake would.

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 9:03 a.m. CST

    DAM YOU ROB ZOMBIE

    by Turd Furgeson

    DAM YOU ROB ZOMBIE

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 9:08 a.m. CST

    Yes, ads pay the bills

    by Mr Incredible

    Look at Ghost Rider; he's so broke, he has to shill for Jackson Hewitt Tax Service.

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 9:09 a.m. CST

    The Birds remake

    by HypeEndsHere

    The birds don't need to be "more vicious". The threat is in their numbers and that they own the outdoors. And giving some bullshit "global warming" excuse betrays the original story and film. Remember what caused the birds to turn on us in the original stories?

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 9:13 a.m. CST

    they dont really explain what caused the birds to turn

    by wolvenom

    on us... its left up to the imagination. But i think hints of global warming or something might be a fun and interesting addition... doesn't have to be a direct message, but hinted at indirectly.

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 9:15 a.m. CST

    The Birds Remake

    by Spandau Belly

    Starring Sean Bean as the crow who wigs out and turns on us.

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 9:19 a.m. CST

    so, harry...

    by Lemming

    'butt-fucking' is the height of 'crazy' now and the Big Bad Wolf was after Goldilocks? Did the three bears and Red Riding Hood take the day off?

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 9:22 a.m. CST

    So, Harry, what you're saying is...

    by ErnieAnderson

    If Sean Bean would have spit-lubed his cock and shoved it up the cookie-cutter teen male lead's poop chute, you'd have liked the movie more?

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 9:39 a.m. CST

    I called this out when I saw the trailer...

    by Lost Skeleton

    The trailer looked so weak compared to the original. Which was a fucked up classic. I hate the modern teenager angle because that wasn't what the original was about. And the girl...totally pointless.

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 9:41 a.m. CST

    Anybody else pissed...

    by TheMovieLover

    That they switched that whole dynamic between the orginal two guy characters just so that tey could have another chick against a bad guy movie and show that the girl was so so so so so much better than the guy? doesn't that completely throw the point of the original movie to shit?

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 9:42 a.m. CST

    Yes I read

    by Atomic.Lobster

    Eric Red's Alien 3 script. I had no idea he was a professional script writer - I thought it was some kind of fanwank. As bad as it is possible for any script to be. Pure arse gravy.

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 9:55 a.m. CST

    more on Birds

    by HypeEndsHere

    knowing Hollywood, they have complete contempt for the audience and don't trust ambivalent endings. you just know that in the Birds remake, the main characters won't just leave the birds alone. they'll invent some sort of machine that produces a frequency that drops them out of the sky. or poisons birdseed. or some way to actually kill the birds. or so you THINK! until it is revealed that a superintelligent (ie murderous) bird survives(!) and mutated (!!) into something that the DTV director/screenwriter will have to worry about/ignore.

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 10:05 a.m. CST

    Great Review Harry + another point...

    by genro

    The mythic quality you point out in the original - no one ever mentions that. Ryder is supposed to be the devil, like the atagonistic Satan from the Old Testament. As if the book of Job was told by Peckinpah. The non-existent background, his ability to appear at any time, his escape from the police van...he's not human. I assumed Mori, being the big fan of Dust Devil, would have picked up on this in his review, but everyone seems to think the original is just some slasher flick. But I wouldn't use homoeroticism because that denotes sexual tension. It's closer to prisoner/bitch psychological sadism. Excellent review, Harry.

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 10:09 a.m. CST

    Another vomit inducing review

    by CTU Mole

    Semen! That is all.

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 10:08 a.m. CST

    The Birds Remake

    by Spandau Belly

    Milla Jonovich must dress up like a scraecrow and fight her way to the high tech nest of the 'Masterbird' and killing it will free all the other birds from his spell.<br><br>Directed by Robert Rodriguez and Kurt Wimmer (together at last!)

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 10:23 a.m. CST

    why read them CTU Mole?

    by just pillow talk

    that is all.

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 10:47 a.m. CST

    I know somebody who went to the same screening as harry

    by Cotton McKnight

    and they said he looked terrible. In a wheelchair and everything. What's wrong, man? Feel better soon.

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 11:19 a.m. CST

    hary's always in a wheelchair...

    by wolvenom

    that or a bucket of cheese... this isn't news

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 11:33 a.m. CST

    I was expecting a review

    by myspoonistoobig

    Instead I got talk of Sean Bean masturbating and a description of how C. Thomas Howell's pubic area is as smooth as a baby's bottom. I should have expected that, though, so it's my fault.<p>Hopefully when they put this junker on DVD we get the Region 2 Special Edition of the original here in the US. That's the only reason I appreciate most remakes -- SEs of the originals.

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 11:39 a.m. CST

    Great talkback

    by Judge Dredds Dirty Undies

    Spandau Belly's post being a particular favourite.

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 12:03 p.m. CST

    Hey, Harry

    by Toby___Wong

    You said there’s no Homoeroticism. What does that have to do with watching a movie ?

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 12:31 p.m. CST

    Harry, you shouda waited on posting this review...

    by vagaholic

    After the ads were gone from the site, but hey that's not your style. Keep on rolling you red headed bastard! Redheads are the spawn of the devil! I got 2 redheaded sisters to prove it! In case you forgot to mention it, Harry has a fiance! -GO BEARS! GFY

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 1:06 p.m. CST

    Wheelchair

    by Lerkst

    He's in a wheelchair; jeez, that's not good. Harry, for the love of Christ--get yourself checked out, change your eating habit, get more excercise of you won't live to see Forty. I'm not joking around; at your age in a wheelchair...I hope it's not from obesity (not trying to make fun). That's a simple thing to fix, it just takes time. If you have an eating disorder, you need to get help, it' a disease--plane and simple. If you have a fiance, as you say, do it for HER if not for yourself. Obesity will KILL you. I hope you smarten up and get up and get better. Sheesh, a wheelchair..

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 1:27 p.m. CST

    thanks for the advice Harry, but.....

    by mrbong

    .....as soon as i saw a poster for the remake with Sean Bean, he who brilliantly showed that they had woefully cast Pierce Brosnan incorrectly in the first of five False Bond Movies, i ordered the 2 Disc SE of the original film. i imagine most people did this aswell. as for the remake trend, well, if they remade Deliverance and you got to see Jack Black get bummed off some rednecks (or Afghanistans, depending on the "social commentary" angle adopted by those remaking it) in it, then i guess i probably would pay to see another Jack Black film.

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 1:54 p.m. CST

    You're SO wrong about this Harry...

    by Kraken

    I mean, sure, the original was amazing. But did it have NINE INCH NAILS songs randomly placed in it during kick ass car flipping scnes? no. Did C. Thomas Howell's makeup and hair look perfect and stunning by the end of the movie? Nooooo. Okay, yeah, it sucked.

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 1:56 p.m. CST

    The Birds Remake

    by Spandau Belly

    But instead of birds, its Mexicans who turn on us! So current!

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 2:05 p.m. CST

    SALVADOR DALI

    by Cult Exiter

    Al Pacino will be playing Salvador Dali in... Dali & I: The Surreal Story - by Andrew Niccol (Gattaca; Lord of War).

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 2:12 p.m. CST

    The One redeeming thing about the "The Fog" remake

    by zer0cool2k2

    was that blonde's ass in the blue panties. Pisses me off that every time I have a little hope that one of these remakes will be decent, it totally sucks ass. I thought from the trailer that they had messed up by eliminating the "solitary driver who no one believes" angle, but thought Bean might make up for it. Sad to hear he couldn't. BTW, did Harry coin a new catchphrase, as in "I'd masturbate on that Harry-New Year graphic and use the cum to stick it up next to my other conquests!"?

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 2:43 p.m. CST

    What about a remake of Nightmare On Elm Street...

    by Kubla_Khan

    ...with Freddie Prinze Jr as -- Freddy! See what I did there? That would be on a par with this shiiiiit.

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 2:47 p.m. CST

    too bad

    by Jack Burton

    The original is classic, I was hoping with Bean involved the remake might be worth checking out. File this under "Worthless remakes I will never watch".

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 3:33 p.m. CST

    Homo-eroticism in the movie...

    by Some Dude

    Little kids and prudes, please do not be frightened or confused about Harry's reference to homo-eroticism. It was an integral element of the original film. It is not in the remake. Replace "homo-eroticism" with some other element like murder, kidnapping or cars to better understand why this bothered Harry. Also, noting that a scene is homo-erotic does not make you gay. Just like noticing that a scene is disturbing does not make you disturbed. Get over your fear of being ass-fucked by super-homo just for talking about gay elements in a film. It is not likely to happen, unless you want it to. Or if you spend a lot of time with your youth pastor.

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 3:33 p.m. CST

    Harry, How could you like The Amityville Horror remake?

    by BigTuna

    What a fucking horrible film that was. I get The TExas Chainsaw Massacre. Not as good as the original but AH sucked ass so bad. And please don't call the original with James Brolin a "Classic" either.

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 3:34 p.m. CST

    speaking of Eric Red...

    by beamish13

    what's his sometime co-writer Kathryn Bigelow been up to lately? I'd love to see a new film of hers.

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 4:10 p.m. CST

    If they made a movie where Rutger Hauer

    by CherryValance

    butt-fucked Sean Bean, I'd see it at least 1,000 times. This I'll catch on video.</p> It's tough being a Bean fan. All the crap I've had to watch. He really needs to fire his agent. If he has one.

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 4:39 p.m. CST

    No, THIS is the quote of the year

    by darquelyte

    "He certainly didn’t have a girlfriend. Hell, one would have to strain to think that C Thomas Howell had ever sprouted a hair in the valley of nuts." That caused me to shoot Coke (the drink, not the drug) out of my nose from laughing. As painful as that was, it still didn't make that quote any less funny. Good one Fat Boy. ~ÐL

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 5:17 p.m. CST

    JUST GOT BACK FROM THE MOVIE

    by El Scorcho

    It really wasn't all that bad. Not all that good either. Not a terrible waste of 90 minutes, but only good if you want to kill time. I haven't seen the original. I went looking in a bunch of stores today and found it nowhere.

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 5:19 p.m. CST

    Oh yeah....

    by El Scorcho

    And what the fuck was with the out of place music??!?!?! First we get "Move Along" chopped the fuck up for the first 10 minutes of the film (not kidding). Then we get NIN's "Closer" for no good reason. It's kind of cool in the scene, but totally irrelevant and takes you out of the movie.

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 5:24 p.m. CST

    Wheelchair?

    by BannedOnTheRun

    Just getting in character for the upcoming Duel remake.

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 6:01 p.m. CST

    Not her fault

    by Lando Griffin

    Harry don't blame Sophia Bush for being so goddamned hot. In regards to the movie this looked unnecessary from the get go. The original could not be topped. However I will still never forgive you for endorsing the shit that was TCM:TB. Not even the hotness of Baird and Brewster could save that crapfest. (However I did enjoy the first remake)

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 6:15 p.m. CST

    I agree its tough being a bean fan

    by Judge Dredds Dirty Undies

    He makes some real crap but hey at least we still have Goldeneye and LOTR and um Ronin.

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 6:17 p.m. CST

    Todd Solondz

    by JohnRevik

    One of the craziest moments in cinema was Philip Seymour Hoffman jacking off and spewing on his wall then using it as adhesive for a postcard in Todd Solondz' 'Happiness'. Now I find out it was stolen from the original 'Hitcher'? Is this correct or was Harry speaking metaphoriclly; an image conveying something fucked up John Ryder would do?

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 7:12 p.m. CST

    Hollywood will never learn

    by Ray Gamma

    They'd rather jizz all their cash away on execrable, disposable fast-food McRemakes than ever dare to have the balls to make an original movie ever again. RIP Hollywood.

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 7:14 p.m. CST

    Check out the Hitcher 2

    by Frank The Rabbit

    if you want to see a piece of shit remake of the Hitcher. $5.50 bin at Wal-Mart!

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 7:19 p.m. CST

    JohnRevik

    by Frank The Rabbit

    Metaphorically. He was saying he could have imagined Hauer doing what PSH did in Happiness. That's all.

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 7:27 p.m. CST

    Nighthawks

    by HotblackDesiato

    There be one of Hauer's finest moments. Watched it on cable with my wife last weekend and enjoyed it every bit as much as I did seeing it on HBO 1000 times as a kid. Shame on anyone who pays money to see this waste in the cinema. Life is too fucking short.

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 8 p.m. CST

    Frank the Rabbit

    by JohnRevik

    Thanx for the clarification. Solondz remains the deranged originator. I love that guy's work.

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 8:28 p.m. CST

    Harry, you really need to grow up a little

    by jojo-pimp

    Whats this shit about butt fucking , jerking off and using cum to stick up pictures? have some damn integrity and do a decent review. Frickin 12 year old kids come on this site, and you have to act like a freak!

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 9:01 p.m. CST

    Bean's been typecast, it's not his fault

    by BigTuna

    He's a good actor, but i'm sick to death of seeing him as the villian. He's obviously stuck in this role. It's all he gets offered.

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 9:49 p.m. CST

    I..

    by ketchuplover

    like this movie :)

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 10:03 p.m. CST

    Thanks chickychow...

    by El Scorcho

    That was actually really funny.

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 10:27 p.m. CST

    The Birds remake (might be) coming ...

    by Shan

    The Birds is a upcoming horror film remake of the original 1963 Alfred Hitchcock film, which is due for release in 2009. So far according to the Internet Movie Database, Naomi Watts is rumoured to star in it *oh dear*.

  • Jan. 19, 2007, 11:03 p.m. CST

    My only hope about the impending Bird's remake...

    by rbatty024

    is that the director's embarass themselves to the point where they have to commit Hara-kiri.

  • Jan. 20, 2007, 12:37 a.m. CST

    homoeroticism and this site

    by mrbong

    anyone who has ranted and raved about LOTR cannot claim that they do not have some homosexual tendencies. LOTR took male bonding to the edges of homoerotica, and had its toes over the line on numerous occassions. be what you want and be what you are, but don't pretend that you are not it.

  • Jan. 20, 2007, 2:58 a.m. CST

    Darquelyte...

    by drew mcweeny

    ... I agree with you. I think that's the best phrase Harry's turned in a while. "The valley of nut," indeed.

  • Jan. 20, 2007, 8:49 a.m. CST

    A bad review from Harry?

    by The Ghoul

    I guess the Hitcher's advertisement check didn't clear.

  • Jan. 20, 2007, 8:57 a.m. CST

    Out for a Hitch Hike!

    by The Ghoul

    Anybody know why the Hitcher did Bobby Lupo?

  • Jan. 20, 2007, 9:31 a.m. CST

    Who is the girl in this movie...

    by McCroskey

    ...and where have I seen her before? I wouldn't judge anyone's acting ability based on such a movie, but I don't really know if she has talent otherwise. She is gorgeous by the way.

  • Jan. 20, 2007, 10:05 a.m. CST

    "Sean Bean spit-lubing his cock..."

    by NYC

    Holy fuck. I know what I'm dreaming about tonight.

  • Jan. 20, 2007, 11:48 a.m. CST

    LOTR versus Y Tu Mama Tambien

    by Spandau Belly

    which is the gayer road trip?

  • Jan. 20, 2007, 12:49 p.m. CST

    Spit-lubing is the new Gotta Eat

    by Dr Gregory House

    Well done sir

  • Jan. 20, 2007, 1:31 p.m. CST

    Harry's best review yet?

    by bottleimp

    I only wish he would dislike movies more often... It gets him to write an intelligible review instead of gushing about how so-and-so's acting made him sport a chubby.

  • Jan. 20, 2007, 4:06 p.m. CST

    JohnRevik & Frank the Rabbit

    by crazywomansquilt

    Actually I think Harry was referring to Paul Verhoeven's dutch film "Turkish Delight" in which Rutger does involve himself in some semen-to-wall hijinx.

  • Jan. 20, 2007, 5:31 p.m. CST

    crazywomansquilt

    by JohnRevik

    You're shitting me. Verhoeven's the one? Intriquing. Speaking of Verhoeven, anyone read Joe Esterhaz's Hollywood tell-all where he describes Verhoeven's depiction of the best sex he ever had: standing position while the woman defecated. Thank you.

  • Jan. 20, 2007, 9:10 p.m. CST

    crazywomansquilt is the winner

    by HEADGEEK

    Thank God someone around here has seen a foreign film.

  • Jan. 21, 2007, 1:32 a.m. CST

    I see foreign movies all the time..

    by Cotton McKnight

    my only criteria is that it has to have naked ladies. If it does, i'm there.

  • Jan. 21, 2007, 3:52 a.m. CST

    Just a heads up, Harry.

    by pip1345

    "He was gonna make the boy, nut up and be a man." There doesn't need to be a comma there. You, on the other hand, need an editor, or at least to learn how to use commas. Seriously! Not a big deal, but continually annoying (as it occurs in almost everything you write).

  • Jan. 21, 2007, 3:07 p.m. CST

    Then Cotton you should see Turkish Delight

    by Some Dude

    The opening montage has more naked ladies than an entire year of teen "comedies" these days.

  • Jan. 21, 2007, 9:51 p.m. CST

    Garbage

    by Damer1

    The Hitcher and the Remake are both trash... Get over it geeks.

  • Jan. 22, 2007, 1:49 a.m. CST

    president

    by Some Dude

    How do you learn about REAL foreign films if no one told you about them? Also how does pretending to see a movie make one important? You have many intersting theories to share.

  • Jan. 22, 2007, 5:24 a.m. CST

    I liked it & Who cares about C Thomas Howell

    by The Founder

    Not as bad as Harry's making it. Who gives a shyt about C Thomas Howell, he 80's news. At least it was R rated r, and not a weak PG-13, but considering the money it pulled in this weekend, I'm sure the studio regrets the R rating.

  • Jan. 22, 2007, 5:42 a.m. CST

    Easy there, Big Red

    by BannedOnTheRun

    Just because "Turkish Delight" has never made the top of my "must see" list doesn't mean some of my best friends aren't foreign films. Don't get all cinema snob on us now. <br><br>Besides, I've never seen Armageddon or Return of the Sith, so touche. Wait, I smell catchphase...wait for it...TOUCHE, MOTHERFUCKER!

  • Jan. 22, 2007, 1:19 p.m. CST

    President Evil you have my attention

    by runfoodrun

    now give me a list of real foreign films...

  • Jan. 22, 2007, 2:24 p.m. CST

    I'm not American, that makes Snakes on a Plane foreign

    by Spandau Belly

    its true as well as tru dat.

  • Jan. 22, 2007, 4:08 p.m. CST

    why do I feel like I need a shower after that review?

    by uberman

    Nuts, cum, etc. Harry, your really truly one gross bastard who is obsessive about sex but in a really ugly and vile sort of way.

  • Jan. 22, 2007, 4:15 p.m. CST

    Just go see the original

    by Sheriff_Hoyt

    And forget this waste of film was ever made. There is absolutely no reason to redo this one. I'm not totally opposed to remakes if they can bring something new to the table or flat out entertain me(see my screen name) but I just don't see the point of remaking this film in particular. Just re-release the original film in theaters so the younger audience can see it the way it was intended. The only good thing I can see out of this crappy remake is the fact that we may finally get a special edition DVD for the original now. That should have happened long ago anyway...

  • Jan. 23, 2007, 12:53 a.m. CST

    uberman

    by misnomer

    you think harrys obsessive? I'm stroking my greasy cock...right...at...this....very...point in TI-IMMMMMEEE!

  • Jan. 23, 2007, 12:55 a.m. CST

    i dont care about "the birds" or "teh fog"

    by misnomer

    TEH FOG SUKT NEWAY. ALIENS AND MAREEEEENSS

  • Jan. 23, 2007, 4:01 a.m. CST

    FOURTH!!!

    by BannedOnTheRun

    For a hitchhiker, the guy doesn't have much BO. Looks like both Pan's and COM are gonna gross more.

  • Jan. 23, 2007, 2:32 p.m. CST

    That review made me sick

    by Kirbymanly

    Feel like I'm gonna barf

  • Jan. 25, 2007, 9:53 p.m. CST

    The full Eric Red "Incident" Story...Pretty messed up.

    by F-1000

    In May 2000, screenwriter Eric Red was involved in a minor fender-bender on Wilshire in West Los Angeles ... (Reds Jeep Cherokee hit a car in front of him) and when the guy in the car ahead walked back to (Reds Jeep), he saw Red slumped over the wheel, but staring straight ahead, his eyes open wide. Then the car started to move. Slowly, the Jeep pushed the other car out of the intersection until it jacknifed into oncoming traffic -- his girlfriend screaming in the front seat all the while. At the last second, Red's Jeep slipped off the back bumper and his tires found traction, jumpstarting him from 15 to 50 mph in a matter of seconds, and he crashed through a bus shelter, through the plate glass windows of a pool hall, and against the giant mahogany bar 20 feet inside, killing two people who were pinned against the bar and injuring 20. Then, when everyone was trying to rock the jeep back off his victims, Red wandered off, picked up a shard of glass, and slit his throat. That's when the weird part really began. Red went immediately into the hospital on suicide watch, stayed out of the paper, and nine months later, LAPD announced they were dropping all charges -- it turns out, due to a neurological condition which caused him to pass out at the wheel. That would have been the end of it, except that the family of one of the victims was all lawyers, and they pursued him through the courts for five years before winning a million-dollar judgment. But in a monumental bit of reporting, Cullum documents every twist and turn -- including the similarities between the accident and his own films and unproduced screenplays, and the script he wrote after the fact making fun of the whole thing. It's not a tale for the faint-hearted. And here's a tidbit you won't find in the story: When being admitted to UCLA hospital hours after the accident, Red insisted on being registered under the name Mario Kan. Mario Kan is an anagram for "I RAN AMOK."

  • Jan. 30, 2007, 11:51 a.m. CST

    No Harry

    by bored stupid

    You're the moron who bought into the manufactured bullshit "cult status" of SoaP. STFU, stop pretending you know how to review a movie, and go back to accepting studio gratuities for blowjobs.

  • Feb. 1, 2007, 3:40 a.m. CST

    No more remakes, please

    by CuervoJones

    i´m full

  • March 6, 2007, 4:54 a.m. CST

    Indeed.....

    by Quintus_Arrius

    ... I am Last!

  • March 7, 2007, 4:17 p.m. CST

    This Is Madness...!

    by buster00

    THIS...IS...SPARTA!!

  • May 12, 2007, 9:53 a.m. CST

    I have not seen this movie.

    by CreasyBear

    I have not seen this movie.

  • May 12, 2007, 9:58 a.m. CST

    Blah blee doo-doo

    by CreasyBear

    cootchie ding dong

  • May 16, 2007, 7:11 a.m. CST

    CreasyBear

    by Quintus_Arrius

    Now that was funny...

  • May 16, 2007, 7:12 a.m. CST

    hey...

    by Quintus_Arrius

    Post me! Please!

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