Cool News
Codename: Massawyrm Whacks Codename: The Cleaner!!
Hola all. Massawyrm here.
I love you guys. No, I mean, I really love you guys. I know we occasionally have our disagreements and you often shower me with sweet nothings like pompous douche bag and fucking hack. But really. I know how you feel about me. And I feel the same way about you. Trust me. I think the Good Book said it best in WTF 25:17 when God dictated For he so loved the world that he sent someone people thought looked like his only begotten son, so that whoever reads him shall not perish having seen frame one of Codename: The Cleaner. A-fucking-men, lord. A-Fucking-Men.
Come on, guys. It’s January. And all of you playing along with the home game know exactly what that means. It’s time for the opening salvo of DUMP MONTH. And who better to load up and fire the first shot than the man who put ‘the man’ in The Man, the cinematic American outlaw still not prosecuted for making American Outlaws - Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr. Les Mayfield! Back once again to pollute the collective unconscious, Mayfield returns to the action-comedy genre to once again prove that you can make just such a film while including neither action nor comedy.
Codename: The Cleaner is exactly the type of film you’d expect out of Mayfield, coupled with the high bar of excellence you’ve come to expect from the timeless comedy of a Cedric the Entertainer performance. The jokes were tired and weak when Martin Lawrence was telling them back in the ‘90s and the story lacks even the slightest whiff of original thought. I swear to God, the plot came from two guys passing a spliff back and forth while watching The Bourne Identity.
“Dude, you know what would be funny? If like, instead of being a spy, Matt Damon totally turned out to NOT be a spy. You know, like he turned out to be an accountant or some shit like that. He just got hit on the head by a spy and all the spy shit around him made him think that he was a spy.” “Dude, that’s awesome. But if he was Mexican, we could totally make him a Janitor.” “Dude, that’s racist.” “Okay. Well, I guess he could be Black.” “Now you’re talkin’. Get Martin on the line.” “Dude, Martin won’t take our calls anymore.” “Sam?” “Not a chance.” “Cube?” “Nope.” “Orlando?” “Not even if we blew him. Again.” “Bernie?” “Nuh-uh?” “Cedric?” “Hey! There we go! Now all we need is a script!” “Dude, just download Bourne Identity off of Drew’s and we’ll pencil in (INSERT CLOWNIN’ HERE) every few lines. It’s not like the suits actually watch movies. They’ll never know.”
And thus a classic was born.
What makes this thing an actual travesty, as opposed to just another failed vehicle dumped in the post-Christmas wasteland, is the supporting cast that gets dragged along for the ride on this one. Will Patton (Armageddon), Lucy Liu (Ballistic: Ecks Vs. Sever), Nicollette Sheridan (Karate Dog) – haven’t these people suffered enough - and for some seemingly completely inexplicable reason, Marc Dacascos. And when I say inexplicable reason, I mean inexplicable reason. He’s a villain who never actually does anything…until the end of the movie…when his own security guards show up…to detain him…seemingly so we can watch Marc Dacascos be Marc Dacascos…and whoop the shit out of nameless goons…while you sit there muttering “But those are HIS goons.” It’s as if Mayfield owed Dacascos a favor and Dacascos begged him for two things: a role and someone to beat up on so he can show off his roundhouse kick. It just doesn’t make any sense. At all. Even on Bizarro World. I’m actually beginning to become convinced that if I find out the answer, the universe will fold back in on itself. So let’s just leave it as one of life’s little mysteries, shall we? And I’ll try to get some sleep without thinking about it.
This certainly isn’t the worst movie, and no, it’s not an early contender for worst of the year. It’s not THAT bad. It’s just good old fashion, plain bad in a brown paper wrapper. It is everything that you would believe this movie is from watching the trailer. Only longer. And it will be completely and utterly forgotten long before it hits DVD. There’s no reason to see this, no reason to even file it away in some mental list for recall later. Unless for some reason you’re a talkbacker, at which point you might actually pay to hear Cedric the Entertainer ACTUALLY (I swear to God) utter the final line of the movie: “Spy’s gotta eat.” Otherwise, I’m sure there’s lint in some crevasse of your body that could be safely removed instead of watching this. You’re bound to have more fun that way.
Man you guys are lucky I love you so much. January, here I come.
Until next time friends, smoke ‘em if ya got ‘em.
Massawyrm
So, having seen most of his films, am I to assume that “The Entertainer” in his name is meant to be ironic? Like thin Italian guys named “Fat Tony”?
-
+ Expand All
-
Cedric the Entertainer.. Seriously, he is the most unfunny person EVER!!!! Lucy Lu is an idiot for doing a movie with this douche.
-
Ditto from comics post. Nothing of any relevance to see here.
-
...really - which dumbshit around here was going to pay to see this trash anyway?
-
HAHA I love the line. People are actually gonna pay to see this movie too! MUHAHAHA
-
Hey played the down on his luck father who needed to save the world from an asteriod in order to get his wife to take him back. Remember when he gave his ex wife a toy space shuttle to give to their son? Thats the stuff on cinema legend. It had me all weepy and whatnot.
-
Hey played the down on his luck father who needed to save the world from an asteriod in order to get his wife to take him back. Remember when he gave his ex wife a toy space shuttle to give to their son? Thats the stuff on cinema legend. It had me all weepy and whatnot.
-
Hey played the down on his luck father who needed to save the world from an asteriod in order to get his wife to take him back. Remember when he gave his ex wife a toy space shuttle to give to their son? Thats the stuff on cinema legend. It had me all weepy and whatnot.
-
There was only one person who was the bomb in Armagedon, no matter how many times you say it;-)
This movie sounds awful though. Maybe as good as Black Knight. It was on TV last night, that's the only reason it's in my head.
-
Seriously, why are the Talkbacks gimped?
-
Man AICN is slow today.
it's probably just me(I new at this TB thing) But i have no idea what being Gimped is. -
You know, I own a copy of Karate Dog. It stars John Voight... of Transformers. It's probably the worst film I've seen since Battlefield Earth and I only "own" the film in the sense that I'm hanging onto it until I get the address of one of my friends who animated the doggie fight scenes. Then I'm sending it to him so he can show his classes at the university he's now teaching at. Trust me, he'll think it's hillarious.
-
that's all you needed to say to get me to avoid this film.
-
What is it about bad films that makes for such entertaining reviews? Weird. The only problem is, I now have a perverse desire to see this shit sounding film as soon as humanly possible. What's that about?
-
make sense?
-
Based on your review, I definitely will catch it. Thank you for the thumbs up! Happy New Year!
-
But how does some Axl Rose-looking douchebag who writes hack reviews know that?
I guess anything is possible in a post-'Stick It' world. -
I've written up reviews for a couple newspapers before, and by far, the most fun you can have with a review is for movies that suck. I still think my favorite review of all time, for me, was Cellular, a really stupid movie that had a chance to be NOT-stupid.
So, continue to riff away Massawyrm. But Franklin T Marmoset is right, reading shitty reviews sometimes makes me want to see said-movies just to torture myself. I think that's why I went and rented the Covenant. Terrible movie!
If you wanna read my short and shamelessly plugged review on it and Step Up, visit: www.myspace.com/shizaquawn
Woohoo. -
He's kinda fruity as The Chairman in IRON CHEF AMERICA.
-
The whole site seems to be gimped at the minute. Awesome. I just used a word in a new way. Now that's not something I do everyday.
-
Damnit, Cedric, you beat me to it! Oh, and for me, every month is "Dump Month," if you know what I'm saying.
-
I managed 3 and a half seconds of it on TV before I got a headache - no word of a lie.
-
Jan 04, 2007 12:10:57 PM CST
Is it really that hard to make funny movies for blacks?
by ricky henderson
Really, is it? Why does virutally every comedy marketed for african americans (and you know damn well this one is) need to be written and directed by hacks?
-
I'm not suggesting or supporting any form of discrimination through movie distribution or marketing. But the fact is, the powers that be made these dumb movies that are geared towards a certain group of people. It just kind of pisses me off.
-
. . . this still makes Massawyrm's top 10 of 2007.
-
Also, why does this POS even get a review on this site?
-
after this: "Will Patton (Armageddon), Lucy Liu (Ballistic: Ecks Vs. Sever), Nicollette Sheridan (Karate Dog)". Don't rip Vern's jokes off!
-
to watch on crack. Seriously, chase the dragon then try not to laugh at Eugen Levy farting, Hill-Fucking-Alerious.
-
I watched it with my homeboy and it was criggedy kranked, yo! Check it out!
-
however I doubt this movie even looks appealing to the audience its geared towards.
-
and he was good in intolerable cruelty, but that was more the writing...this looks like a loser, but hey, I doubt many of us were going to see it anyway.
-
Is like being raped, passing out from trauma, and then waking up to discover you're still being raped.
-
...word
-
I just wonder where was the TB backlash against whites when The Santa Clauses, Corky Romano, Little Nicky, etc were made? Just sayin, don't be hypocrites. There's easily as many bad "white comedies" as "black comedies" yet the white comedies don't get grouped so easily.
-
Not possessive anymore ;D
-
... was as Scott Pritchard (assistant to Gene Hackman's Defence Secretary) in No Way Out. Never better. Come to think of it, neither was Costner (in anything not involving a baseball, that is.)
-
all shitty movies are mocked without prejudice
-
Credits include Desperate Housewives, Spy Hard, and "Karate Dog"? LMAO. On another topic (concerning black films), Breakin' All The Rules with Jamie Foxx and Gabrielle Union is pretty good (IMO). Quit frontin', Massa. You know Codename: The Cleaner changed your life.
-
Just tryin to stir the shit! I believe that is also a tried and true custom round these parts...
-
...doesn't.
-
for taking that cinematic bullet for the rest of us. In other news, I gave you some shit (deserved, I think) for your "300" review, but I appreciated the hell out of this one. Funny, opinionated, and unmarred by any love of source material!
-
Hey, don't dis Will Patton. He was at the Battle of Georgetown, after all. He watched the White House burn. He understands that great men were made by other great men.
-
The world's supply of funny standup material ran out 20 years ago. I don't think there is a funny comedian left alive.
-
did they really have to add that? I think I saw them reference those commercials on a I love the 90's VH1 show, something around 94-95, maybe earlier? Kinda sucks around this time but also very amusing during Jan. thru March studio dumping go-rounds.
-
That's the great irony. :) When geeks start thrashing on a bad movie, their jokes are usually 100x lamer than the movie they are bashing. (shrug)
-
...especially if you can't afford Ed Harris. Guy definitely needs to fire his agent though.
-
...making comedies for black folks, it's a case of making so called comedies for STUPID lowest common denominator black people, the same way they make similarly god awful idiotic films for their mirror image cousins, stupid lowest common denominator redneck white folks. They always know exatly what they are aiming at with this kind of shit. And worse, it usually works. Basically they're specifically targeted films aimed solely at specific breeds of stupid people, and no matter how painful we might find this trend, it makes mucho money (there's a whole lotta stupid people in this world) and aint gonna stop any time soon.
-
but making a film like this is a career low for her, hottie or not. Aim higher next time Lucy!
-
INTOLERABLE CRUELTY.
"I'm gonna nail your ass!"
Underrated movie, the Cohens simply can do no wrong. -
As is Jeremiah Chechik and Uwe Boll. It is not these men who make bad films, it is us mortals who are in fact wrong. And Will Patton needs to fire his agent (Fled? The Postman? Roadhouse 2?). C'mon Will, you're so much better than that.
-
If you wanna see someone who's genuinely funny, then check out Ross Noble. Helps if you like surreal whimsy, he goes on stage with no set material and just starts talking. The man is a comic legend.
-
is the only guy that's less funny than Orlando Jones.
-
Thank the gods! Someone else has finally voiced my firmly held belief that there should be a class action restraining order taken out, keeping Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn, and either Wilson brother from coming within 100 miles of each other. Stiller's allowed to fuck his wife at night, as long as they don't film it,and the Wilson brothers must let each other know when they visit their mother, so that they don't overlap, just like Michael Corleone and Fredo.
Christ, if I hear one more person say anything good about "Old School"....I'll vomit. For anyone who has EVER seen "Animal House" I don't know how "Old School" even remotely qualifies as a decent comedy.
Thus endeth the rant. Tip your waitress and try the veal. -
so funny. i kid.
-
Seriously, how can a guy as talented as he is not get a decent role every once in a while? His death scenes in 'Armageddon' and 'The Punisher' probably elevate both of those films a whole letter grade.
Readers Talkback
User Login
Top Talkbacks
- Whitney Houston 1963 - 2012 -- 273 total posts 271 posts
- New JUDGE DREDD post production footage pops up -- 92 total posts 92 posts
- AVENGERS enemy revealed as pink boardgame pieces... You might suffer some form of elation... SPOILERS!!! -- 160 total posts 69 posts
- There's a STAR TREK video game that is going to lead into JJ's STAR TREK 2 apparently... -- 151 total posts 63 posts
- Does ‘SNL’ Rhyme With ‘Deschanel’?? Learn Which SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE Vet Hosts After Sexy Zooey!! -- 67 total posts 59 posts
- HANNA's Saoirse Ronan to boss around seven little people -- 60 total posts 57 posts
- To Commemorate The 3D Release Of STAR WARS EPISODE I: THE PHANTOM MENACE, George Lucas Wants You To Know...Greedo Shoots First!! -- 484 total posts 49 posts
- Here's The Red Band Trailer For Drafthouse Films' THE FP! -- 69 total posts 42 posts
- Friday Brings SWEEPS DAY NINE!! Gab Here About Tonight’s FRINGE!! Plus Einstein on TIM, Wiig On PORTLANDIA, MAHER, CLONE, GIFTED, GRIMM, SPARTACUS, SUPERNATURAL, GOLD RUSH And More!! -- 120 total posts 32 posts
- SPACE 2099!! -- 183 total posts 24 posts