Hola all. Massawyrm here.

Man, I hate writing reviews like this. There’s nothing more disappointing than being in a BNAT crowd and being one of the few not in love with what everyone else is screaming about. It happened to me last year with King Kong and then it happened this year with 300.

It’s not that I hate 300 or want to tear it apart piece by bloody piece. But it really disappointed the hell out of me – and most importantly, it bored me. You see, it has so much in common with the other recent Frank Miller adaptation, Sin City - and suffers from many of the criticisms abound there – but with this adaptation, it would seem even more so. This time there are serious changes to the material and the style is so over the top compared to the substance, that even people predisposed to loving this (like myself) will actually find themselves through the mirror darkly, staring back and making the complaints others make about our beloved films. I loved Sin City and defended it against the style over substance tirade many a time. Sadly, now I’m on the other side.

But it is what it is – and that happens to be a film that will be hotly debated in geek and critical culture here in a few short months.

First off let me say how beautiful the film is. It’s gorgeous. Stunning. You’ve never, ever, ever seen anything like it. Snyder does an amazing job of actually capturing and translating the unique visual style of the original source into the filmed medium. And that, in and of itself is a triumph. Unfortunately, Snyder spent so much effort capturing the look of the comic, that he missed the soul of it, and ultimately produced a very beautiful, but hollow retelling of Leonidas and his 300 Spartans.

Now, in order to truly convey the chief problem with this film, you have to have seen the trailer. I’m assuming, at this point, that you have. However, if for some reason you haven’t, you really need to – and can find it right here. There. Everyone caught up? Good. See all those gorgeous shots? That is a PERFECT representation of what you will see on the big screen. Now, don’t you just LOVE that stylish slow motion in all of the shots where there isn’t dialog? I sure hope you do. Because that’s not stylized for the trailer. That’s exactly how quickly every shot in this film moves.

Let that sink in for a moment.

Virtually every shot in this film that does not have dialog in it is in slow motion. It is a 2+ hour slow motion music video generally retelling Frank Miller’s classic retelling of Leonidas and the 300 Spartans. Sure, it is luscious and unbelievable. Sure it looks like the single greatest lucid dream ever dreamt. And, sure, about 20 minutes in that slow mo shit gets REAL old, REAL quick.

And really, the biggest dividing line over this film will be over this single issue. How much slow mo can you stand? Not just during fight scenes. Not just during dramatic moments. But every time someone walks, runs or rides somewhere. However, this is just one of the issues I have with 300. The other two issues revolve around A) The history and B) The adaptation.

Okay, the history. This is the most nit picky of the argument – so I’ll breeze through it. I love and live by John Ford’s Law. If you have a choice between telling the truth and the legend, always tell the legend. Cool. This DID NOT in any way need to be a historical retelling of the events. But there are several moments in the film where we’re given these shitty little moments of throw away dialog that is A) not adapted from Frank Miller’s version and B) not historically accurate in any way. They’re just…there. Dangling. Little WTF’s lingering for anyone who knows the stories or the history to try and figure out what the hell the point of even saying that was.

Which leads to the primary story problem – the fact that so much of Miller’s version of the tale is changed. Now this is CLEARLY 300. At times it is absolutely unmistakable. The conceits that Miller added, from the lack of armor, to the Quasimodo Spartan reject, all the way on down to the final spear chucking. They’re all there. But gone are the better parts of the story. Like, oh, I don’t know, maybe…Stumblios. Yeah. Stumblios is gone. Now, to anyone that hasn’t read the comic, this won’t feel like there’s anything missing – but rest assured, there is. Pretty much the best character arc in the whole comic. Gone.

Also gone is Leonidas’s overall general prickishness, as well as the brutality and treatment of his army. And while I understand why it was changed, to soften up these characters for movie audiences, their appeal was entirely in their cold warrior lifestyle. By the end of the comic 300 you fully understand why these guys were some of the toughest motherfuckers to ever walk the earth. Here, you just don’t. They just are. Which is entirely counter to the point of the comic to begin with.

But don’t for one moment think that these were cut for time. Oh no (slow mo aside.) They’ve been replaced by far lamer stories and character arcs to fill that time. In the place of the Stumblios story we have this ho hum Father/Son story arc involving the captain enlisting his son into the 300 Spartans. But even worse than that is the storyline that just reeks of studio involvement. You ever wonder what Leonidas’s wife was up to while her husband was away at war? Because you’re gonna find out. And apparently it involved all sorts of political machinery that painfully feels of historical inaccuracy – not to mention deals with all sorts of things that have zero bearing on the story of the 300. But we do get to hang out with Lena Headey…because she’s purdy and the suits thought they should add a woman’s touch to one of the single most masculine historical stories ever told.

But don’t worry, since it’s supposed to be Frank Miller woman, they totally ‘Frank’ her story out.

But for those intrigued by a film told in this particular visual manner or for those that enjoy cinema that is purely visual – something akin to a moving painting – this is going to knock your socks off as it did the large majority of BNATers. It really is jaw dropping. At the risk of repeating myself, you really have not seen anything like this. Ever. Ever ever. The battle scenes are a marvel of visual ingenuity. And the production design - the hair, make-up, costume, everything pertaining to the LOOK of the film. Just fucking amazing. It really is the prettiest film I’ve seen in a LONG time.

But I’m a story man. And that’s where 300 sadly runs off the rails.

Until next time friends, smoke ‘em if ya got ‘em.

Massawyrm

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