Cool News
Okay, okay... it's more official now... INDIANA JONES 4 going into production in June!
Ahoy, squirts! Quint here. Looks like I might have to be eating some crow here, but in all honesty I'm happy to do so if it means we get another INDIANA JONES movie that Harrison Ford, Lucas and, most importantly, Spielberg are all excited about.
I commented on a report from an interview with Lucas where he said, for the third year running, that Indy 4 will go into production next year (being this year now) with a May '08 release. I was skeptical, but it looks like INDY 4 is now closer to being a reality than it ever has been before, with a big story at Hollywood Reporter on it.
It still seems the details are sketchy... Paramount says they assume they'll be co-financing with Dreamworks and Lucasfilm and expect to put up the money, but don't know anything yet. When that gets locked into place, you'll see my skepticism completely disappear.
The script Ford, Spielberg and Lucas all agree on is written by David Koepp (WAR OF THE WORLDS, STIR OF ECHOES), but no details are known.
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okay...
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maybe
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holy crap!
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You can't get any more officialer than this!!!
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And Bob Eubanks will tell everyone who wears a fedora and carries a whip to get a job.
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this movie is going to own. 10 years I've been waiting for this, 4 years of following the progress when things started to heat up a few years ago, and now the wait is over. I can't believe this movie is happening at last....it feels weird.
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Damn you Michael Bay
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he said so a year ago...I doubt his opinion has changed.
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Can't wait for Spielberg to get back in the chair! I wonder if Lucas will make him shoot digital...
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You have to be a second quicker to catch a virgin around here. Different year , same set of idiots.
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Indy will be fighting against ancient-artifact-stealing NEO-Nazis this time around. Also John Rhys Davies' Fez will be CG.
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I heard that the hold up on the film was really so that Lucasfilm had time to develop a digital camera that looks like a film camera in order to fool Spielberg into thinking he was shooting on film. I heard that his D.P. Janusz Kaminski desperately wants to try digital and is definitely in on the deception. Once the film is "in the can" it will be too late to protest. Aww Lucas...that evil genius. Lucas=Palpatine.
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Denholm Elliot to appear in Indy 4, using digital technology and outtake footage from The Last Crusade. Insider rumours suggest the scene is costing £1.80 ($650,000) to produce.
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Does anyone have any clue as to what the McGuffin can possibly be? His comments were quite intriguing in the Hollywood Reporter.
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Titanic star Leonardo di Caprio is to appear in special "young Indy" scenes in Indy 4. Digital technology was to be used with outtake footage of Rick Moranis from Ghostbusters 2, but it turned out that di Caprio, 86, was more cost effective.
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should really appear as a zombie. Or mabye a younger Indy will be played by Jake Lloyd, thus allowing the CHINSTRAP to totally fuck up another creation.
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if Sly can make it work...
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Or heck, why not save some dough and cast Jake Lloyd? I thought it was supposed to be footage from the first ghostbusters.
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I predict that Frank Darabont's script will resurface in INDY 5!!!
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How weird is that shit, 45 seconds between posts, very odd.
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Elizabethtown "star" Orlurndo Bland is set to appear as the son of Indiana Jones in the upcoming film 'Indiana Jones and the Quest for the Lost Atlantean Polished Stone'. Bland, 56, is said to have furrowed his brow when cast for the role, which will require him to speak words and furrow his brow.
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I KNOW!!! FREAKY!!!!!
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not like they were waiting around to see how that movie did. But maybe the fact that everyone has accepted Rocky even in an older version, lit a fire under their butts, so they decided to announce. Maybe?
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Who's changing out Connery's collostamy bag on this one? Is he even going to be in it?
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I shouldn't type this late.
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LUCAS: Steven, did you catch the reviews for the new Rocky?
SPIELBERG: Yup! It's time.
LUCAS: And so it is. -
Jan 02, 2007 1:53:53 AM CST
Who will he fight? If it's nazi's they better be robots
by spectrebeeyatch
Or maybe the Soviets or Red Chinese. Personally Soviets would work but if that fails they could switch to warewolves or something.
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Indy 4, set to be shot on a greenscreen digital set, is to take advantage of CGI technology and recent advances in digital urine rendering and allow Industrial Light & Magic to change the colostomy bag of support actor Sean Connery, 19.
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If Connery doesn't want to do it they can always get Daniel Craig.
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A MacGuffin (sometimes McGuffin or Maguffin) is a plot device that motivates the characters and advances the story, but has little other relevance to the story.
The director and producer Alfred Hitchcock popularized both the term "MacGuffin" and the technique. According to the Oxford English Dictionary, Hitchcock explained the term in a 1939 lecture at Columbia University: "[W]e have a name in the studio, and we call it the 'MacGuffin.' It is the mechanical element that usually crops up in any story. In crook stories it is always the necklace and in spy stories it is always the papers."
The element that distinguishes a MacGuffin from other types of plot devices is that it is not important what object the MacGuffin specifically is. Anything that serves as a motivation will do. A true MacGuffin is essentially interchangeable. Its importance will generally be accepted completely by the story's characters, with minimal explanation. From the audience's perspective, the MacGuffin is not the point of the story.
The technique is common in films, especially thrillers. Commonly, though not always, the MacGuffin is the central focus of the film in the first act, and then declines in significance as the struggles and motivations of the characters take center stage. Sometimes the MacGuffin is all but forgotten by the end of the film.
Because a MacGuffin is, by definition, ultimately unimportant to the story, its use can test the suspension of disbelief of audiences. Well-done works will compensate for this, with a good story, interesting characters, talented acting/writing, and so on. Inferior films, which fail in those areas, often only highlight a MacGuffin, sometimes to the point of absurdity. MacGuffins may be acceptable to the general audience, but fail to be believable for experts in the subject matter (such as a particular technology, or historical detail).
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Last Crusade ended the franchise perfectly. Lucas should forget about this and concentrate on the Star Wars series. Spielberg should forget about this, JP4, and do the Cap film. (You kow hes the guy Avi was talkin' about when he said they were waiting on a certain diector's schedule to be open.) And Ford should forget about this, depending on his friends help in saving his career, and use a little common sense when picking roles.I'll give Ford props for trying a villian role in What Lies Beneath, even though that didn't work so well. But, K-19 (UGH!), Hollywood Homocide, and Firewall were mistakes. Now I'm sure Indy 4 will make a assload of cash, and that will put him back on track for awhile, but what would truly reinvigorate his career is, yeah, it's a little cliche'd by now, but a role in a QT flick, a teamup with Eastwood, or *gasp* a supportng role. It's time for him to evolve and wisen up.Oh, btw, I just checked out his return as Indy in the Young Indiana Jones Chronicles over on YouTube (god I hated that show) and I now know, after all these years, I really didn't miss anything. That cameo was another bad move of his in the last two decades.
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PABLUM - the word pablum is often used to describe anything bland, oversimplified and generally unsatisfying, especially a work of literature or speech. This usage is thought to derive from the 1994 film 'Radioland Murders'.
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Why make a movie about a 65 year old Indiana Jones? If Lucas HAS to make a new Indy (I hopes he had learned to leave well enough alone after the SW prequels) he should have recast the character. (I know I heard Nathan Fillons name being tossed around in some forums). With Harrison being 65 years old, I wonder if Lucas is prepared to digitally replace the actor should Ford die before filming is completed.
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What's that? Captain America?
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If FORD dies, why not just give it to Tom Selleck?
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Wow! Brilliant stories man. Did you find out if Lucas is still gonna make his independent small movies at last? The ones that will be like, shot in just a house and with just 2 actors ala Ingmar Bergman style? The budget for this movie must be really cheap. Seeing as all Lucas is gonna pay for is loads of green paint and canvas for all that green screen work. Who needs actors and sets anymore? I can picture it now... Lucas is sitting in his director's chair with a green screen behind him, no crew whatsoever, just a laptop to play back the rushes, whilst he sits playing with himself over a copy of Green Screen Monthly. Then Lucas yells "ACTION CUT PRINT THAT'S A WRAP THANKS EVERYONE FOR YOUR TIME ON THIS EPIC SHOOT SEE YOU AT THE RAZZIES!!!" and then goes to embark on his next 'experimental' movie. With George Lucas's THX inventions, film making will never be the same again and has forever been shatteringly 'revolutionized'!!!
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And it's "dawg", not "dog".
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'nuff said
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If yes, should they cast the same actor who I believe is a stunt coordinator or something? Or they can recast with the MILF guy aka HAROLD.
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Shame on y'all for not sayin' that yet! :P
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H-I-R-O-!-!-!
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Shermdawg, that is BRILLIANT!!!
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That little animation of u descending upon 2007 is scary. Are you still that large? Come on dude, if PJ and Del Toro can lose the weight, so can you buddy! It just means u'll be around longer that's all :D
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"With Harrison being 65 years old, I wonder if Lucas is prepared to digitally replace the actor should Ford die before filming is completed."Just because the dudes over 60 doesn't mean he's gonna drop like a fly at any given moment.
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I used to love Harrison Ford, but it's like someone drained the life out of that guy in the nineties. I'm not sure I want to see this new Harrison Ford playing Indiana Jones.Also, what the hell, George Lucas? Can't you sort out that neck thing you've got going on there? It was very distracting in Mark Kermode's recent Spielberg interview. If you can't afford surgery, maybe ILM can CGI you in all future television appearances.
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If Christopher Lee can be in an action flick (w/a little CGI), so can Harrison Ford. Although, he is a smoker....
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There. I said it...
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Do I sense a barrage of "Indiana Jones and the..."'s coming on???
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Weight loss encouragement from a guy named CelestialPudding. :P
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'nuff said.
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Saw "Firewall" yesterday and I think Ford seems to be in shape to play a 64 year old Indy. He can still land some nice punches...Noone expects Tony-Jaa kicks from him anyway.
But I'm really afraid Lucas is going to destroy the whole project !! Crazy old man....prove me better...please !! -
I trust that Lucas will give Spielberg carte blanche on this flick. Unless he wants a Spielberg boot in his ass.
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If Lucas blows this opportunity this will really do damage to the old trilogy. It has Harrison Ford in it and will be directed by Spielberg. So it's directly attached to the films.
With Star Wars it's easier to differ between the classic and the crappy Trilogy. (Still a shame though)
If this fails I'm going nuts !!!!!!! -
Niiiiiice!
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over Frank Darabont? Jesus.
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Jan 02, 2007 2:44:30 AM CST
Koepp's okay. Carlitos Way is an underrated masterpiece
by the wrong guy
War of the Worlds was pretty good (bar the ending), and Jurassic Park was a decent script for Spielberg to work off. Stir of Echoes and Secret Window were rubbish, though.
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Spielberg won't, and can't boot Lucas because it's his character.
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Don't call me junior!
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My bad.
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I've been waiting for a new indy since, well, Last Crusade.
When Jedi ended, it was enough for me, but there could always be a new Indy. For a few years I got tired of all the teasing from Lucas that never amounted to anything, but if this is really happening (I'll believe it when the cameras are rolling), then consider me more excited than when I heard about the new starwars, wayyyy more. The Indy movies have ALWAYS been very well written, the starwars movies, well, almost never. Don't get me wrong, I like em, empire is a very good movie and one of the better sequels ever, but the dialogue was almost always cheesy in Starwars movies, especially in the prequels (but I'm probably just saying this because I grew up on the originals, which -let's face it- have their share of cheese too). Anyways, if they waited this long for a script and finally said yes, it must be pretty fucking cool (Though I'll always wonder what a Darabont scripted Indy would have been like...). Plus it's been a long time since Speilberg did a 100% fun movie, pure popcorn. I can't fucking wait. I am worried about Ford's age though, but still, I have faith. -
It's 1960 and our hero is battling turtlenecked, goatee wearing poetry nerds in Greenwich Village. These nerds have discovered a mystical lute (which is evil) that will allow them to clog up the pop charts for years to come with tired protest songs and drippy ballads. Joan Baez is the villain.
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Would anyone do such a thing? Did anyone ever do it for an INDY flick? I suspect someone will in 2008.
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$20 says it's Napoleon's penis. ;)
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Dude, it sounds like dreaming to me, but I'm down with that rumor, that would be crazy awesome.
But, yay Indy! -
It's 1967 and Indiana Jones is battling his ultimate nutbag nemesis, Charles Manson, and his army of hot loony chicks. Manson has discovered a mystical knife (which is evil) that will help kick off the Helter Skelter war. Can Dr Jones stop the coming global race clash? Um, Charles Manson is the villain, possibly played by Tom Cruise.
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I guess I waas the only person who ever liked that show/miniseries growing up, the alto sax Harrison Ford episode included. Haven't watched them since I was twelve or so (about twelve years). Have they really aged that badly?
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...the movies he writes tend to do well **despite** his involvement, not becuase of it. Carlito's Way is great, but it's about as original a storyline as anything Tarantino's ever written. Spider-Man was crap. Jurassic Park, in terms of the script, was crap. (Spielberg had all the best ideas on that shoot - mainly, the visual ideas. The writing was banal garbage.) War of the Worlds - again, visually, a great movie. Narratively it was a void. HUGE section in the second act in Tim Robbins' basement where the movie just grinds it gears for 15 minutes. Snake Eyes - you kiddin' me? The Lost World - Spielberg shot it on auto-pilot. The whole script felt like characters were just shuffled around just to be where they needed to be for the action to start... and then stop... and then start... etc. I swear to God, if this next Indy movie is good, I'd bet anything it won't be because of the script. It will most likely be due to Harrison Ford doing what he always did best, Spielberg making an Indiana Jones movie with the wisdom and class he's built up since Last Crusade as well as his innate knack for exciting filmmaking, and George Lucas hopefully standing back and letting Ford and Spielberg work with minimal involvement from him.
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When necessary, holds up sign that says "FASTER AND MORE INTENSE."
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Ever since watching Lost, I've always thought that he'd make a good Indy if they were to restart the series. thats just my two friggin sense anyway.
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Did someone just seriously suggest Michael Clarke Duncan to play Captain America?
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LOL I never thought of that...Indy on the ultimate quest for the ultimate xmas delight!
and yes Shermdawg, I am rich...in fruity goodness!
Seriously...does morbidly obese require encouragement...its more like a public service announcement. -
Spielberg directing Captain America is NOT a rumor. It's specualtion based on the Avi Arad quote (I tried to track it down, but couldn't find it) where he said that the guy they wanted to direct was tied up until (I believe he said) '08. Now, one would assume given the setting of Cap, and the timing, he was referring to Spielberg. At least thats what I, and a lot of others that read that got from it. But the quote wa before Arad left Marvel,so who knows whats gonna happen. They'd be crazy not to get Steve though.
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Phew thank goodness
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I pick Isaiah Washington from Grey's Anatomy as Captain America. Ijust checked IMDB and found out that he is 43 years old. Too old for the part? What y'all think?
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...had to be Mission:Impossible 3. They spend the whole movie trying to get "that device" - whatever they referred to it as - and at the end, Hunt is asked if he even wants to know what it does. "No." he answers. And with that, Abrams never even had to explain it to the audience. All we knew was that it mattered, and they had to get it. What it does? Who gives a fuck?
It actually made me think that it was the kind of thing Joss Whedon would do on occasion. Another reason I loved his shows. -
He's gonna be one of the biggest stars ever.
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Fillion.
If you're gonna go and do indy young (which I'm really not sure would be such a good idea, BUT...) To me Nathan Fillion would be perfect. Go rent Serenity. Forget about the sucky title and go rent it. Tell me that guy isn't the best "young Indy" around. -
Captain America is....USHER
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SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! Goddammit your shit is OLD!
Indy 4 could be cool. funny i watched Raiders today before i saw this...i'm down for a new adventure. i agree that Last Crusade was a great ending but fuck it...if it sucks i'll just deny its existence...like Rocky V, Alien 4 and AVP, TCM 4, Batman Forever & Batman and Robin...all of which....get this, never happened -
Young Solo = James FrancoYoung Tom Cruise for anything = Sean FarisLink (Zelda) = Jonathan Taylor Thomas
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Or McSteamy?
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Fox, Universal and Paramount should pool their money and make a 500milliondollar adaptation of the first twelve issues of The Ultimates, or at least follow the general outline of it, thusly avoiding a boring iron man origin, solving the problem of how to make a sequel to the Hulk and telling the story of the ressurected WW2 cap all in one three hour magnum opus which would make further Marvel comic book movies pointless. oh, and have Thor be played by Hulk Hogan, brother.. sorry- I need sleep.
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...I just don't see him as Indy. Don't get me wrong - if they gave him a character LIKE Indiana Jones to play, it would be fucking golden. I'd love to see another great action movie with Captain Mal starring in it. I do think he could be the next Ford. But playing Indy himself - I just think Fillion carries a swagger with him, a kind of smug satisfaction about him that Indy didn't have. Ford played Indy kind of boyish at times - mostly cool and prepared for whatever would happen - but there was almost always a plainly open, nothing-hidden kind of charm to Indy that I wouldn't peg on Fillion. Like someone said above - He'd be the best non-Ford Han Solo there ever was, that's obvious. But to each their own, and I certainly wouldn't slight you for saying Nathan's cool enough for the role.
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JTT as Link = GAJILLIONS AT THE BOX OFFICE
I'd love to see a WWII era Cap. America movie btw and just give it to Pitt cuz u know thats whos gonna play him anyways -
..."TCM 4?" Why am I drawing a blank on that one? What is it?
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Texas Chainsaw Massacre. That's why I was drawing a blank.
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AND HERE'S THE PERFECT TITLE FOR INDY 4 - the tile that will sell a billion in ticket sales:
Indiana Boobs.
Catchy, no? -
...there was a TCM 4?!? was it any good? ;P
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yes, I can see the plot now - it all makes perfect sense.
Wonder what Indy 5 would be called? -
... you validate the existence of parts 2 & 3? Truth to tell, I never saw them, but I wasn't expecting much from them in terms of quality. You liked 'em?
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Viggo Mortensen as INDY.
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love TCM2 with a passion (mainly cuz of Chop Top) and 3 i have a soft spot for because of Ken Foree. so yeah i liked 'em :)
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i wasnt on the site for the whole AQUAF@G thing...anyone have a link to the thread? been hearing a lot about it since that Optimus Cover thread
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After the "upgrades" a lot of the old talkbacks were trashed, including my legendary one man show in the Real World tb. :'(
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But I don't see any reason why this film would be good. You have an aging star who's become the most boring actor in the world, a director who can't seem to end a film well anymore, a by-the-numbers screenwriter, and a producer who's just spent the last eight years proving he's incapable of telling a good story. That's without considering that this series has had its time and should be left alone. I love Raiders, like Temple, don't mind Crusade - what are the chances a fourth film, after all this time, will be anything but garbage?Also, seriously, Harrison Ford, what the hell happened? I get sleepy just looking at you these days. Then you start droning on and I'm out like a light.
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i guess it will forever be a mystery to me. thanks anyways shermdawg
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Hopefully with Indy 4 they'll move on the timeline about 15 years; it'd be sad to think it was still the 1940s (as Harrison etc are so old now). My guess is the plot'll be about neo-nazis looking for treasures to resurrect the Third Reich, but will be in Korea / Vietnam to give it 'contemporary' late 50s / early 60s backdrop, with lots of communists with guns thrown in.
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should do a cameo as skeletal remains.
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Ronin.
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SP will direct, not Lucas. So, what the fuck are you people talking about? GL writes the story, someone else scripts it and SP directs. GL tells SP what he wants in the story but he doesn't tell him how much cgi he is going to use, or what kind of camera he is going to use.
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Who in the hell is SP?
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You cannot go wrong with this for the villians. I will say it again: Midget Nazis.
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They guy works cheap and really could use a break in the industry.
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I hope Spielberg gets his way and tells Lucas to shove his digicam up his ass.
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Indy awakens one morning to find out his midlife crisis diamond earring has fallen out and he needs to make his way past the skeletal Ms. Flockhart to rob the grave of Ed Bradley to find a replacement.
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One day, far far in the future, maybe in 2008, somebody will be using the site's search function and come across this page. Well, to that person I say, Hello from the past! Leave us a review of Indy 4. To anyone reading this in the present, yes I have gone crazy.
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As long as Speilberg doesn't get too influenced by Lucas in preproduction its in with a shout. Otherwise it'll become a another lifeless CGI farce.
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All this moaning about a 64 year old Indy amazes me. Have you even seen Last Crusade? The guy drank from the cup of Christ. He crossed the seal, sure; but nonetheless in that one sip he probably extended his life by 20 years or so. And that goes for Connery too. Stick that where the sun don't shine, biotch.
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How about this? In true history, the Nazis DID posses the "Spear of Destiny" (the weapon which supposedly stabbed Jesus on the Cross), which has been scientifically dated to be at least 1200 years old and was indeed in the possession of Charlamane (which Dr. Henry Jones Sr. DID quote in the last film). As Berlin fell, Nazis tried to smuggle it out, and it was supposedly found and given to Gen. George S. Patton Jr., but many say he was given a fake. So, where's the REAL Spear? Can a 60-year-old Indiana Jones in the 1950s be asked by the US Government to go after this, like he did the Ark, tracking it to the ends of the earth? Personally I think this movie should NOT have Nazis, as we've already had two films with them and there are many other good villains out there, but you can't have the Spear with out them. Any bets? Is the Spear the GabMuffin?
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And start worrying about how dull he is. Dusting off this much-loved character and having him played by an actor who is a shell of his former self is not a good idea. This film will be the cinematic equivalent of Muhammad Ali Vs Larry Holmes, and it will make us all cry.
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We must doubt it at every turn. Maybe, just maybe, if we hate on it enough....A fire will be lit underneath Lucas's ass to make a kick ass picture. Also, if it is even the slightest bit good, we'll be happy anyway. Brace yourselves fanboys.
Indiana Jones has become the icon he was supposed to be portrayed as from Raiders. There is an internal logic and mythos to follow. The man is a part of America's collective film memories. What I'm saying is....DON'T GET CARRIED AWAY WITH CGI AND GREENSCREEN! -
In my earlier post, I INTENDED to say "GabMuffin". I know the term is "McGuffin", but "GabMuffin" is a tribute to Gyro Gearlosse, who invented a device to silence rowdy voices. This is a not-so-subltle attempt to silence lousy talkbackers who talk trash only and at the same time engage all of you to talk about how cool this news about Indiana Jones really is. Come on, let's hear some theories on what the relic will be this time, or the villains, or the locales. Maybe Spielberg or someone in his ear will read this talkback and get ideas for future Indiana Jones projects. Come on, let's roar!
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I thought i was the only one who thought this! Check out the photos of him now that he's older, and then look at pictures of Ford at around the same age. If he was a little taller and if Ford trained him in the correct Indy mannerisms like he did with River Phoenix, he would be a pretty good choice for his own Young Indiana Jones series of movies. Except ones that kept the spirit of the movies, not the boring tv series.
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From the Hollywood Reporter article: "George, Harrison and I are all very excited," Spielberg said. Wow, it must have taken both the Ark of the Covenant AND the Holy Grail to ressurrect George Harrison to help with this movie.
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I rather have Indy be a long awaited classic then a rushed shit-fest like Fantastic Four. It pays to take more time with somthing.
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... not one, but THREE films are already supposed "locked" for the Memorial Day 2008 release weekend, according to that story? Yea, script, casting... don't bother me with those pesky smaller details now, pfffftt. Just get me the release date. :eyeroll:
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Shit...
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I love the Indy trilogy, but I felt that the movies ended with that final ride towards the setting sun. A classic ending that now appears to be a false ending. Lucas wasn't wrong when he said a while ago in Empire Magazine that he was making The Phantom Menace all over again. The anticipation is too high. The movie WILL be a disappointment. The original three weren't perfect, not even Raiders, although that is one of my all time favourites. If the movie will be released in 2008 we will get a great movie, but I suspect not the movie everyone was hoping for.
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Oooohhh, Gerald Ford just passed away. I get so confused sometimes...Like has been said before, should have been made a dozen years ago. Maybe they can get Connery back and have Nic Cage replace Harrison and Mikey Bay to direct. Indiana Jones and the Rock.
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Indy needs...
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I COULD NOT CARE LESS!!!!
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Damn it, can ANYONE write a good blockbuster screenplay these days? Terry Rossio and Ted Elliott did a fucking great job on the Pirates flicks, I suppose (they also did a good with Zorro, Aladdin and Shrek IMO) I can't wait for At World's End. Actually, I seriously think Indy 4 was pushed back a year due to the Pirates sequels. They don't want the embarrassment of being blown out of the water by a movie that's ten times better and becoming a BO failure due to everyone thinking Indy 4 is one too many whereas POTC is about to complete a perfect trilogy.
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Indiana...Let it go...Let it go, son.
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Indiana Jones and the Horse He Rode In On, Indiana Jones and the Family Stone, Indiana Jones and the Time, Indiana Jones Versus Excitebike... Let's bring on the titles!
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best. title. ever.
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With this guy: http://tinyurl.com/wltke
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They should just start a new generation of Indy movies with a new star a la James Bond. I suggested Christian Bale. I find he has Harrison Ford's grit and charm. Whereas Harrison Ford may by a fit good-looking old man, but he lost his charisma circa The Fugitive.I love the Indiana Jones character and I love the 1940s era in which its set. I think its obvious from the original trilogy that everybody preferred Indy fighting the Nazis. I love the cheesefest of Temple of Doom, but most people do not. The Indy movies where not a progessive serial, they were standalone installments so making a movie about old Indy dealing with age and having it set in the 1960s(when the Nazis were long defeated) is just a wonky tangent. I have very little hope for this project.
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I'm just say'n. Retired Indie, sent to Amazon to assist with a dig, only to be mistaken as an American bounty hunter that had been hired to locate Hitler's brain and turn it over to the KGB, before a twisted band of hidden Nazi doctors successfully revive ole Adolph, by way of Frankenstein. This is the dream I had back in 1996. I wish it happened. Would have been screwy... and fun.
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Now that's a crossover I'd like to see. That rug really tied the room together.
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I suppose that's more of a meta take on the material. 'Wake up, Indy. Time to die.'
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Who wants to see an aging Indy way past his prime? A young Harrison Ford is what made the movies terrific. An old Harrison Ford? Not so much...
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I'm getting back on the bandwagon.
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Lucas will insert Jabba into this too, and have Harrison walk on his tail again? Gosh, that sure was funny...
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How does 'surname' differ from 'family name'. And do you want the date in the YYYY.MM.DD format? Do I have to fill out Scetion C if I'm over 60?
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PAUL GREENGRASS GOTTA EAT! That is all.
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He's walkin' on sunshine!Whoooaa-oooohhh!
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in Lost World, so that can't be the same guy.
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One hat. Two men. One Must Die.
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The plot:He meets a kid who rescues a princess and they blow up a death star.
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If you can't trust them, who can you trust?
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Gotta save Robocop and Mad Max for Indy 5!
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INDIANA JONES 4 ROCKS!!!!!
In fact it rocks so much it gives all the haters sockless feet! -
Indy moves to New York and becomes a semi-alcoholic slut. You go, girl!
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I hope that Quint was going for a laugh. That or he as a SOE hard-on. No disrespect to that film. Decent movie but he's done SPIDER MAN, M:I, and JURASSIC PARK.
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Oompa Lumpas! Why'd it have to be Oompa Lumpas?
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He played the poor man's Han Solo so it follows he should be the poor man's Indy? That's why people love us TBers. Amazing originality and unbeatable literal-mindedness.
He rocked in Slither. Let him do different stuff.
Wackybantha, why did you post that? Surely if we're on an Indy thread we all have some idea of what a MacGuffin is. Or maybe you just wanted to share your own epiphany with us. I keed. I keed because I love! -
What the hell. Hadda join in.
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(heh,heh) Just kiddin', folks. I wanna see this thing as much as anyone else. --But how cool would it be to have Tom Selleck as Indy's half-brother... and be the villain, too?
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Nah, ...that title sucks.
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You have to stop. Every time you post, I feel compelled to add one of my own. I have work here that is not getting done and I blame you. ;P Also, genuine people may want to post but are intimidated by the sarcasm levels. This is a serious place for serious talk about films and whatnot!
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Yay irony! So, we get ON GOLDEN POND with whips and fedoras!
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There, ...that's much better.
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C'mon! Indy hates snakes! I get the feeling putting Indy with some slithering reptiles on a jet or something would give an American audience a real fright. But I'm no Hollywood producer.
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You know, ...they SHOULD play Indy's age for some laughs! Take a cue from Sean Connery!
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I'm not holding out much hope for this. I love indy but why do we need another installement when where we left it was fine.
I don't think this will totally suck but I don't think it's going to please even half of it's core audience(maybe their "core" is everyone, I don't know) But it can't be the same movie as the others. No matter what they say Ford can't do half the stunts he used to so either we're stuck with no stunts, bad stunt doubles for easy stunts or even worse a cgi Indy.
I can't totally bet against this though as Speilberg can make shit entertaining I'm sure. -
what do you think? in 10-20 years tech will be ready for someone to replace Ford with Selleck just for the fuck of it and put it up on the internet for all to go 'weird'.
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The only reason to do a 4th Indy that is totally tonally different from the first 3 is if they are taking a step at a time thinking of doing more than one. I could go for an older Indy trilogy. But in any case, we have Connery in The Rock as proof that aging action heroes can still come back and kick the shit out of the new blood.
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That'll freak the Warner Bros legal dept.
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I know what you're saying Antonphd but do we really want an Indy film where Indy just kind of takes it easy. lets everyone else run around?
taking Indy films in a different direction would be interesting and something I'd like to see but that'll probably mess with box office coin and I don't think that's in Lucas's mind. -
seriously, who honstly believes this could be good?
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Yeah, Ford is old now and has seemed to not give a shit lately - last few movies of his has sucked balls. And dammit - I remember when the world stopped when a Harrison Ford movie was coming out. What happened? I hope this gets him out of his sleep walk pecker in the pay check mind set. Look ar Clint! He can still kick ass (Unforgiven) and Connery in the Rock - best Bond flick ever! People may bitch about Transformers and shit like that but dammit - the Indy movies DEFINED my childhood - more so then frickin' Star Wars ever could. I saw Raiders in a drive in when I was 8. Fuckin A man! I hope this rocks!
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It could work.
Lucas gets his CGI on, and Speilberg gets....Well whatever the hell he wants anymore. -
His role was pretty action packed (even if a stunman did 99% of it) and he delivered some of the best lines ever. Don't you dare bash Connery in The Rock my friend...
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...virtually guarantees that this movie won't be great. I can't remember if I was ever excited to see a 4th Indy movie, it's been rumoured for so long, but this just kills it. Koepp has never written a good script. He's written passable scripts, and mostly bad scripts. Then again, I suppose it's possible that a sequel to a franchise that is 15 years past it's expiration date could be his greatest script ever.
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The movie has everything...
- A hunt for something valuable (Ladin must be worth a cool $20 mill to the Americans)
- Afghan Caves (crazy outta control boulders anyone?)
- Pamela Anderson as old Indy's new sexy old girlfriend (crazy outta control boulders anyone?)
- Insane NEW Nazis...(Hey, the Islamics are the new Commies and Nazis combined, people)
- And the Ultimate treasure (World Peace - nothing more tear jerking than that! Where's Michael Bay??)
A blockbuster my friends...a blockbuster... -
...brought to you by the same people who previously gave us "Daniel Craig will be the worst James Bond ever", "Scorsese's Infernal Affairs remake is going to suck and you know it", "V For Vendetta looks stupid as hell", "Brandon Routh is a talentless prettyboy and will make a pathetically laughable 'Superman'", and the all time classic "Pirates Of The Caribbean is the stupidest idea ever, who the fuck wants to see that shit?". People who hate everything aren't film fans, they're just internet assholes. Wow, what a badge of honor that is, eh? Oh look at me, I'm cool and hardcore because I hate everything, I'm a real rebel me, yeah. Thank God internet fanboys don't run hollywood, I mean if you think things are bad now...yeesh.
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Indiana Jones and the hunt for ORIGINALITY!
Maybe Sledge Hammer can star as the young Indy? -
Someone mentioning originality while sprouting out yet another tired Idiana Jones & The... joke. Man, I wish I could be you.
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We all know he's the real adventurer!
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Honestly, I'm just fine with Indy riding off into the sunset in 'Crusasade'. I wonder if he'll be taking on the Viet Cong this time.
And Sledge Hammer: Brandon Routh WAS a pathetically laughable Superman. -
For only $99 you can attend my lecture series - "Irony and Originality: Damn you Michael Bay, Damn you."
Its a winner!
Ironic...hmm...that could work as the next Iron Man movie...Iron Man 2: IRONic
BEING ME, IS WICKED! -
Let it go, Harrison. Let it go.
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That annoying one trick unoriginal deaf-mute jackass needs a whomping.
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At least we would get yet another Morgan Freeman narration
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I hear the Mets are signing MCMLXXVI to a multi-year contract. Scouts.com
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Yet another Morgan Freeman narration and pinguins! Whats not to like?
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Jan 02, 2007 9:17:56 AM CST
Will Indy ride his horse very slowly in the left lane?
by ricky henderson
With the blinker on?
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MCMLXXVI is Victor Zombrano, isn't he?
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as one of those that is apprehensive about this thing. The question is why? They rode off into the sunset in Last Crusade, right? Anyway, to me, the McGuffin is something to dow tih Islam. Lucas said it was controversial...
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both are predictable (Zambrano being wild and shitty), MCMLXXVI bringing nothing to the table.
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No Morgan Freeman narration, but the Mcguffin would be Lucas´brains, at the end Indy finds them all splattered in the mistycal green screen while trying to reveal that other Mcguffin: the Dharma Project.
(I know Im posting crap, but aint any fatty old George Lucas project is?) -
Lucas is often confused with MCMLXXVI.
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a thorn with a piece of christs flesh on it. That is what empire magazine said in thier 25th Anniversary Raiders celebration. Things could have changed.
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Fan-freaking-tastic. Indy of Arabia. If Omar Shariff is still alive they should cast him as well.
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his AARP card with prune juice on it.
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watch out for those dangerous sand worms!
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Remember the last time you waited so long for a new film to continue a famous trilogy....*cough*Phantom Menace.
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...a bag of "Werther's Originals" which Indy enjoys immensely. Oh yeah, and they've got the blood of Christ on 'em.
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Police Academy 4 to that list too Fortunesfool. What a disappointment.
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V for Vendetta did suck.
Casino Royale was a great Bond moive, but Daniel Craig is no James Bond.
Didn't care about Superman and didn't see it.
Martin Scorsese has been on one long losing streak, and transcultural remakes have an even dodgier success rate than Marty, so skepticism was totally valid. I haven't seen The Departed yet.
But I do see where you're coming from in terms of objecting to pessimism for the sake of seeming too cool for school. But there's nothing wrong with spotting a bad idea and expressing caution. And yeah, this whole Old Indiana: bad idea!But, I am an asshole. So you're kinda right. -
yes Sledgehammer, an unoriginal asshole to boot.
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I have a theory.
Commies will be the bad guys that's more than likely so amongst the locations there will be a country behind the courtain. When Spielberg left Hungary after the shooting of Munich, he told the Hungarian co-producer Tamas Varkonyi that he would be back soon. Darabont who wrote the first draft has Hungarian parents who emmigrated during the revolution in '56 which could be an entertaining backround story at least like the short meeting with Hiter in the Last Crusade..
Or not.
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Are you covered if a robot attacks you and steals your pills?
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I just had this horrible thought: what if Lucas writes Indy has a daughter instead of a son?
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The rascal is fueled by the blood of Christ.
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I got V for christmas on DVD hadn't seen it before but becuase I'd read the book a while a go and the history that Alan Moore adapations have I wasn't too fussed. I enjoyed the book alot but thought it was too big, too wordy and had too many ideas to be made into a decent movie.
I have to say I was surprised because I enjoyed it. They kept the essence of the character V and the general ideas of the book.
Not perfect but good anyway.
I'm so bored I should get another job instead of spending my days looking at TB. Woo the internet. -
You know, you would think these would be old and tired by now, but I still chuckle at some of them. What's This Discoloration on My Penis? That's pretty funny.
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Abomination's list is good for a laugh. Once you read one or two, you'll get silly and realize they're all funny.
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I actually didn't think the film captured any of the ideas of the book. Unless you consider masks and capes ideas.
I thought the idea of the book was how extremists justify and neutralize each other and ultimately came out preaching moderation whereas the movie just seemed like 'Batman versus the Nazis' in that it was just another flick about how facism is bad and lone ninjas can save us all from tyranny. -
You know it.
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I think that's the level of combat Harrison Ford is up to these days.Stallone could beat his ass without even getting up.
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yeah, he could also tackle jaywalkers I suppose.
And thank you Colon, for beleiving in me. -
Come on. Either communist try to steal it or, more likely, crazed Republican hard-liners from the Eisenhower administration try to use it to do kill the commies, innocent civilians be damned, and only Indiana Jones can prevent these crazed neocons from releasing a can of Holy Whoop-Ass on all of America!
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My working day almost over, I came here for a quick peek at what's what, and there you are! Trouble is, now I feel bad for denying you your creative outlet. I'm sorry about that. I should be able to police my own behaviour at my age. Please post more of your funny sexagenarian comments - it'll give me something to read in the morning, when I once again will be avoiding the work.God bless AICN - the working slacker's best friend!
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All V is is a mask and cape, We don't know him, or even see him.
He's a mask, a cape and his words. They kept that so I can't argue with what they brought to the screen.
It's not the book but I think the film deserves some kudos. -
its funny cause he's old, get it?
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Is thusly: A) Put Indiana Jones aside for a moment. B) George Lucas and Steven Spielberg decide to make a movie together. C) The movie has an excellent premise of a sort of treasure-hunting James Bond-like (but gruff instead of debonair) archaeologist college professor, in a period piece that riffs on Edgar Rice Burroughs, pulps, radio shows, comic strips, and movie serials that predate its setting but have everlasting appeal. D) Harrison Ford and Sean Connery are playing protaganists which is A-List talent. That they are specimens suitable for archaeology in their own right is hardly off-topic for the film. And the door remains open for the filmmakers to include a younger male treasure hunter for all the fanboys desperate for more supple manflesh. (Ewww you guys.) E) Hopefully still on the plus side, this movie turns out to be part of an established franchise, one of the most successful ever. Often imitated but never equalled. Hmm... Hardly a can't-miss scenario but if fear of mediocrity were to rule, no movies would ever get made. There'd certainly be no "Casino Royale," "Rocky Balboa," or for that matter "Temple of Doom" and "Last Crusade." ................ Harrison Ford may be the poor man's Chuck Norris, but he's clearly got a lot of junk in the "'mid-life' crisis" basement that would be better parlayed onto action-adventure celluloid than misspent chasing lesbian skirt in movies fit only to wallpaper Blockbuster.
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disturbing thing I've ever seen. And I saw Bad Boys 2, so that's saying something.
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Party time!
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Admire his shopping prowess! Pow! Bam!
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of Knowing Your Life is Almost Over
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Kruschev's spies break in to the vault where they keep all those artifacts and steal the first edition of The DaVinci Code.
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yowza!
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Deluded into Believing They're Still Cool and Sexy
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Okay, at this point, it really is the years."
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"YOU MUST AQUIT!"
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But no one seems to be talking about the 800 pound gorilla in the room: his age. This has been a relatively unexplored topic on AICN. Perhaps a conversation should be devoted to debating whether or not Ford is simply too old?
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"What do you mean I don't have to wind it?"
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That's how I know this movie will be made. For some reason, no matter how many drafts of a project are rejected, David Koepp's name seems to signal the fast-track release. He's not a very good writer, strictly middle-of-the-road watered-down popcorn fare. I think it's precisely this quality of his writing which allows his mediocrity to slither between various warring camps on every project. Rest assured that his Indy script will include several excellent action setpieces (dictated by Lucas and Spielberg, of course), two memorable lines, and five groaners.
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..."These are the characters who would have helped Kenobi and Anakin lossin' up...party, get drunk...pick-up strange and loose women...and go on wild unexpected and wrecklessly ill advise adventures with..." ....... Could you be more of a virgin?
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Insider reports suggest that David Koepp's script was given the go ahead as it was the only draft submitted that fully took advantage of advances in Digital Eyelash Rendering (DER). Turn to page 3 for new girl Kelly's buxom thoughts on CGI technology.
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YYYYyyyyeahh.....
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PwnedByStallone
Tell your friends. -
Jan 02, 2007 11:59:10 AM CST
Indiana Jones and the Chocolateface Riots of LosAngeles
by spandau belly
Where a young Borat (Chad Michael Murray) helps Indy escape retaliation after being framed for the murder of a gang leader (Jaimeee Foxxx).
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Jan 02, 2007 12:01:01 PM CST
Indiana Jones and the NYTimes Sunday Crossword of Doom!
by ricky henderson
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Steven Spielberg, and Harrison Ford. Introducing Natalie Portman in a desperate attempt to milk a dead cash cow.
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Hey, love the titles you guys... they got a little porn-ish there toward the end. You guys might be a little deprived... you might need a pocket vagina.
I am actually looking more forward to a old man Indy than an old man Balboa, but that is just me. At least Harrison ford looks better and he did kick some ass in Firewall. -
or, Indiana Jones And That Goddamned Pharmacy That Robs Him Of His Last Dollar For Ten More Of Those Stupid Pills.
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Play to win!
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I freaking love how awful the "Larry David" is. Whitefish, Sable, Cream Cheese, Capers, and Onions. Fantastically bad. Happy New Year by the way buddy.
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Jan 02, 2007 12:10:16 PM CST
Indiana Jones and the Awkward Get-to-know-you Chit Chat
by spandau belly
Watch him squirm!Watch him wince!Feel the pause drag out through time!This summer means... so what do you do for a living?
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Make Glorious Benefit George Lucas's Bank Balance.
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Mazeltof!
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Indiana Jones and the high-fibre diet. Indiana Jones and the mid afternoon nap. Indiana Jones and the faint smell of urine masked by disinfectant. Indiana Jones and the Tuesday night Bridge game of doom. Indiana Jones and the lost coupon book. Indiana Jones and the confused slow drive through the city on the wrong side of the road whilst muttering to himself. Indiana Jones and the rambling disjointed one sided conversation about nothing in particular. Indiana Jones and the 3AM toilet visit. Indiana Jones and the liver spot.
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Will it ever end?Please Harry, post something new for us to mock!
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of Doom!
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Jan 02, 2007 12:21:18 PM CST
Indiana Jones Rubs up Against Little Boys on the Bus
by ricky henderson
of Doom.
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Indiana Jones and the Non-Christian Antiquities!INDIANA JONES AND THE INSTANT ACCESS!Riders of the Last Aargh!INDIANA JONES AND THE PLATINUM MEMBERSHIP!Indiana Jones and the Ancient Login!
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Jan 02, 2007 12:22:00 PM CST
Indiana Jones and the 9am Bookclub Meetings at Denny's
by ricky henderson
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Jan 02, 2007 12:22:39 PM CST
Indiana Jones and the 2 Hour Argument Over the Check
by ricky henderson
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Indiana Jones and the sending back of too-cold soup at the diner. Indiana Jones and the high waisted trousers. Indiana Jones and the lost Stairmaster. Indiana Jones and the dark muttering under breath. Indiana Jones and the lack of respect of kids today. Indiana Jones and the leaving of front door unlocked 30 years ago. Indiana Jones and the waving of fist and pointing with end of cane.
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Jan 02, 2007 12:27:58 PM CST
Indiana Jones and The Early Bird Breakfast Coupon
by the_shogun_gunslinger
thats all i got...i just woke up *cough*
off to cook for some rich fucks...later guys -
Plot:Indinan Jones takes a prisoner and a priceless jewel back to America when suddenly there are snakes that magically appear from this Jewel.
Indiana Jones"Why did it have to be mother f**kin snakes on this motherf**kin plane?" -
add..."of DOOM" after my title appearantly...
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of Doom!
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computers scare the elderly.
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DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!! maybe there will be an over-hyped 5 minutes first person shooting sequence thats entirely CG that makes everyone say its "watchable"
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(following the fire he started in the kitchen last christmas)
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Of Dooooooooom.
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(of doom).
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Why didn't Dan Brown have the balls to say 'listen...just fuck what I wrote in the book, get Lucas, Ford and Spielberg on the phone and let them turn my idea into a workable Indy movie........hang on......you're telling me we can't do that because I stole half my ideas from The Last Crusade already??? Fuck you. In the face!' Seriously though, I think Dan Brown must regularly masturbate over the idea of Indy-era Harrison being Robert Langdon in his books. Sadly he got Tom Hanks instead, not to mention one of the blandest, shittiest big-budget adaptations of anything in history. The new Indy better be a million miles away from that bland mediocrity and more like a mash of Raiders and POTC (except without Orlando Bloom fucking up the perfect cast by not actually being able to act, and without 18th Century pirates and ships, obviously)
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Jan 02, 2007 12:46:01 PM CST
Indiana Jones and the Crippling Fear of the Internet!
by ricky henderson
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There's a boulder Indy can't outrun!
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Jan 02, 2007 12:52:52 PM CST
Indiana Jones & the Search for the Solid Bowel Movement
by dark knight lite
Had to get in on the fun.
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I find it hard to believe his take on this is better than Darabont's. I think what we are seeing here is the development process at its worst. The script stage being watered down to the point that it is just bland. When you try to please everybody . . .
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of doom.
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cause of his arthritis.
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Indiana Jones and the bad back of doom/Indiana Jones and the Loss of Hearing
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Jan 02, 2007 12:57:29 PM CST
Indiana Jones and the Loss of Hand-Eye Coordination!
by ricky henderson
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Jan 02, 2007 12:58:36 PM CST
Indiana Jones and the Curse of Diminishing Eyesight!
by ricky henderson
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It will derail his train of thought like T.E. Lawrence and his crew!
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Yeah, its a good news program, but mostly old people watch it.
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served with coffee!
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both had their balls drop.
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Jan 02, 2007 1:06:47 PM CST
Indiana Jones Gets Into the Wrong Car in the Parkinglot
by ricky henderson
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I mean-- he's not that good. Merely "okay". I'd pay good money to find out what they thought was wrong with F.D.'s script. Also wonder what Shamalamading-dong's was like.
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of doom!
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Jan 02, 2007 1:14:56 PM CST
Indiana Jones is so Old His Family Puts Him on a Leash!
by ricky henderson
ok maybe that one was in bad taste... :)
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Indiana Jones and the Ladder to Heaven, Indiana Jones and the Reaper's Scythe,Indiana Jones and his Grand-daughter's Christening, Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Piggy Bank, Indiana Jones and the Last Supper, Indiana Jones in Diana Jones, Indiana Jones and the Tomb of Doom.
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but i´m not so sure about Ford, he looks kinda lazy in the last years
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(Julio would whomp him of course)
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Let's hope they shoot on film, and that Spielberg is the driving creative force, here.
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I'm going to get fired if I keep this up for much longer...
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Jan 02, 2007 1:25:03 PM CST
Indiana Jones and the dipping of worker productivity
by just pillow talk
thanks to this thread. Bastard.
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Old American tourists buy one when they are visiting my country
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I've been told not to try it...
fact #569 happens to me all the time...god damn society.. -
He created the 2002 TV series "Hack" about a police man who becomes a taxi driver. He based it on his true life experience as a screenwriter who should have become a taxi driver.
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Jan 02, 2007 1:39:05 PM CST
Guess who's read a leaked draft from Mr Lucas!!!!!!!
by alucardvsdracula
Me. And I gotta say it reads like a passport to 1981. Wow, that opening! Amazing. And, wow, that bit with the (deleted), and you're just gonna love the part where (deleted) comes into it. And then, oh my god, the climax where (deleted) comes back and kills Indiana Jones. Oops.
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Action-packed search for the mystery cloud.
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Bringing life back to the Holy Relic.
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The Cincinnati Bengals would like to sign you up....
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...I wish we actually had some news to read about...
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He likes to punt racoons and electrocute baby koalas all the while humming "jingle bells"....
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Is frightened by his own shadow.
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and you'll be fine.
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Not as colorful as the some of the others, but it was mean. Hey we all are going to get old.
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I love what Ford did with the character, but his time has passed, well in action movies for the most part. He still a good actor and can take up roles like Ian McKellen, who proves you can still land plumb roles in your Golden years.
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GET OFF MY PLANE
Genius. -
Serioulsy the guy is in his 60's and yet here he is still being cast as the father of small children. Those kids shouled've been 25 at the least.
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Spike Lee, if Michael Richards is starring.
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Michael Douglas.
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Verne Troyer
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Jan 02, 2007 2:15:25 PM CST
INDIANA JONES AND THE DAMN KIDS ON HIS LAWN (OF DOOM)
by cletus van damme
run with it!
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ce
Well i'm excited! -
Jan 02, 2007 2:18:16 PM CST
INDIANA JONES AND THE ELDERLY DISCRIMINATION LAWSUIT
by cletus van damme
See you in court, Lucasfilm!
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As a die hard Indy fan, this news gets me totally psyched... I finally believe, this time, it's really going to happen. Right? Really?
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Vs. that chick from Relic hunter...
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Verne Troyer (he's multi-tasking)
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Beaten regularly by Ally McBeal
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He's fallen and he can't get up!
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Spit on it and work it in gently, then sleep on it.
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Print the posters!
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Merchandising gold!
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Jan 02, 2007 2:26:24 PM CST
INDIANA JONES AND THE "LOST" GLASSES ON HIS FOREHEAD
by cletus van damme
Just look up, dummy!
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Pass the PoliGrip!
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Millions of commies can't be wrong!
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The chariot with those "bullshit goats" (copyrighted by some talkbacker) that are pulling Michele Pfeiffer.
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The time for an Indy sequel passed us a looong time ago. Sure, Spielberg will be directing but based on George's recent cinematic experiences you just know he is going to approve of some craptastic script. Gosh, what a treat it would be if George decided to write the script himself...
I still cannot get over the fact that George has already rejected a few Indy 4 scripts. In light of George's recent films you have to wonder what in blazes he considers rejection worthy nowadays... a script that doesn't suck? After the SW prequels George's credibility in the scriptwriting dept. plummeted so deep it went past the crust, through the magma and into the goddamn core. -
"How do I make this stop blinking '12:00?!'"
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Sorry Cletus, couldn't help stealing some of your thunder.
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"I've been over 21 for longer than you think, kid." *smiles slyly*
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http://www.lucasfilm.com/press/news/news20070102.html
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Jan 02, 2007 2:35:47 PM CST
Indiana Jones and the corn in his crap that is bigger
by just pillow talk
than you. True story.
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-adventure ensues-
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-adventure ensues-
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Jan 02, 2007 2:37:18 PM CST
INDIANA JONES AND THE BIRTHDAY CARD WITH 25 CENTS IN IT
by cletus van damme
"Thanks, grampa!"
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You know he'll tell 'em again and again.
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"Let Short Round clean it up, my back hurts."
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Because after the first one, they needed a little pick-me-upper...
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Jan 02, 2007 2:41:47 PM CST
INDIANA JONES AND THE LINGERING STARES AT YOUNG GIRLS
by cletus van damme
brrrr
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"...and would it kill you to sing to me?"
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I'm glad that I was only subjugated to your story ideas for two posts for free, and not for two hours in a movie theater for 10 bucks. And DocPazuzu, absolutely brilliant assessment of MetalWater's post.
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Cue up the theme music!
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with the same technology they used to give Patrick Stewart & Ian McKellen a younger appearance in X-Men 3. Hey, I mean if his age is such a big deal to a lot of people. I feel as long as his age is confronted in the movie (which it was a bit in "Raiders"). When Marion asks him "what happened to the man I knew?" and he responded "it's not the man, it's the mileage". I'm actually a bit wary of a 4th film. I thought the trilogy ended perfectly. But a part of me wants to see Indy back in action...
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are you guys morons? wtf? how about a raiders remake mmm with josh hartnett or christian bale, because we all know how good that'd be. enough of the bashing.... "harrison is too old" is getting too old. It's set in the 50's. indy is just as old as harrison - who by the way isn't THAT old....okay will 64 is pretty old but who cares? it's indy not james bond. That said kudos to "Indiana Jones and the damn kids on my lawn" that's comedy gold. This movie will own all.
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INDIANA JONES AND THE UNFUNNY OLD MAN JOKE #152
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INDIANA JONES AND THE UNFUNNY OLD MAN JOKE #152
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Guns N Roses had their day, and the "new" line-up is pretty awfu. It sounds like a mess. Granted respect to Axl for listening to whats been happening outside of his mansion for the past 15 years, but ugh it sounds like elton john meets nine inch nails with a bit of moby in their for good measure. Rose shouldnt try to be cutting-edge; there are a million better bands than "guns n roses" who do that stuff more eloquently. The only way Id wanna see GnR continue would be a renuion, and for them to just do an aerosmith. Axl and slash produce shit when theyre apart. Then again I grew out of guns n roses when I was 12 given that the lyrics are mostly purile childish shit. Sweet Child is still an anthem though.
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40 Year Old Virgin reference, get it?
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co-starring Keef Richards
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my inkling would be that darabont went a little "too heavy" with the script and didnt quite get the epicness in there. It's a shame the whole thing has been abandoned. I wonder if koepps script is an entirely new take on the same macguffin or a completely different script altogether. Damn the dvd better have some serious extras on there...
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Reports coming straight out of Hollywood have exclusivly revealed that the fifth and sixth sequels in the long running Indiana Jones saga will be filmed back-to-back in Australia in 2009 with Brad Pitt currently gunning for the role of the title character's love interest.
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he got off the rock and on the pies.
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starring Sammy Hagar as the wacky sidekick
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Dr. Jones, Sr. says, "Indy...there are shum waysh man washn't meant to park, shun!" *SMACK* "and that'sh for blashhphemy!"
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1. welcome to the pieshop
2. pie so easy
3. night pie
4. out ta get pie
5. mr pie
6. paradise pie
7. my pie
8. think about pie
9. sweet pie o' mine
10. you're pie crazy
11. anything pie
12. pie queen -
"Give me the Metamucil and I'll give you the whip"
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Starring Hulk Hogan as the Masked Proctologist.
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he can twiddle but doesn't have a decent song in his body.
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he had to put a medallion on a stick to find out where the fat bitchs cunt started.
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Lance that demon!
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He likes it where the sun don't shine
...like Bryan Singer. -
Indy: ..."damn! I didn't wake up to go after all!!!...short round you're going to have to roll over"
Indy whips out shriveled manhood
Short Round "That no cookie!" -
THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN MADE 10 YEARS AGO...
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To Visit
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You know it to be true.
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...and The Pynchon of Thomas, while we're at it.
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Yikes.
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David likes to hang around bail bonds offices dressed as Lee Tamahori. This is how he met his life-partner, Akiva.
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Likes it where the sun don't shine...Like Alan Keys.
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Liked going to parties.
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nigga gotta eat!
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Melissa probably didn't get paid enough.
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Relief at last.
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Mr. Snaps is awesome!
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Keep lookin', boys.
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Coming to a buffet near you.
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Contribution. Okay, that was tacky!
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If this movie sucks, everything I have come to know and love in this oh so dear life will implode and a paradox will occur that will kill us all.
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I've been laughing so hard at some of these titles... I've got tears running down my cheeks. God, this is funny.
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Denholm Elliot died of AIDS years ago... :(
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"Calista Flockhart Gotta Eat" = genius.
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Yes i died of AIDS but it is now the future, and my latest issue of Starlog says that they created this computer that helps with the special effects of movies! Fingers crossed!
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Well, IMDB lists him as appearing in Toy Soldiers as "Headmaster." That probably didn't help.
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Or else something to do with the Tree of Knowledge, and what with the flaming Cherubim guard and all. Someone probably already suggested it. I'm tentatively optimistic about this news.
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...where he just stares at the tv wondering why he keeps falling asleep before the local on the eights comes on.
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where he searches for SSI check so he can mail it off to the 700 club
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It really is sad that they waited this long. This movie should have went into production in the mid to late ninties.
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Where he can fly into a rage over there being so many blacks and mexicans that now frequent his local Wal-Mart...
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wears kleenex boxes for shoes, pisses in old jelly jars, and holes away in a private sound studio, ever perfecting Chinese Democracy.
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All you can eat!
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Goddam it! Where'd it go?
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Brrrrrr... my booty's freezing!
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Single handedly saved the world from Chinese Democracy, because he knew it was too soon.
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...just like the old fucks that i just served for! lol..thank god for lazy, old rich ppl!!!
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scroll up...i made that joke already..welcome to the party, pal!
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Great minds... you know.
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Gimmee my fix!
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script.
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a.k.a Indiana Jones and the Extreme Unction of Doom
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Jan 02, 2007 5:16:55 PM CST
Indiana Jones and The Grandkids PS3 of Mystery...
by the_shogun_gunslinger
and DOOM!!!
"Now, are you making ALL the people do those things?"
"I don't get it"
guess so Angus -
I need a touchup!
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Don't know if that's been done yet.
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hope this turns out alright, but we thinks it may be a little too long in between films
www.carpemundus.com - charming and decent -
still the best title. Some forgotten talkbacker hit new levels of talkback humor with that one, lo these many moons ago.
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Indiana Jones and the Phantom Penis, Indiana Jones and the Attack of the Bone, Indiana Jones and the Revenge of the Whiff.
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"As for the fellow who has negative things to say about me in the film, I’ll just paraphrase the line from ROCKY when Mr. Gazzo says, “Some people just hate for no reason.” So the only thing they may hate worse than me is actually waking up every morning and knowing they’re still stuck in their depressive brain space. A fly sitting on a pile of cow shit thinks himself a king, so keep the turds rolling. It has no effect."
SO TRUE... All you haters are never will be's and have nothing but jealousy and hate on your mind. Funny how Sean Connery can make action movies in his seventies and the second someone tries to tell a story about any action hero later in their life, all the haters come out and act like it can't be done or realistic. I mean, they waited like 5 years to find a script all 3 of them agreed upon. If that's not enough quality control, then maybe you guys are hoping for something that can't even be made. Unreal how pathetic the haters are. -
"Is Brokebackcowboy."Ooohhh!!! My finger is on the trigger cause that one is just too frakin' easy...
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...there was a time when you kept your mouth shut out of respect for the iconic character known as Indiana Jones. Just a friendly reminder.
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Mostly everyone here loves Indiana Jones. God some people take themselves seriously. Have you considered you're the only one with the depressive brain space? That you're the only hater? The thread is over 700 posts long and almost entirely happy spirited, so why stick your troll like oar in? The rest of us are just having a laugh making up some silly names and poking fun at the fact every year they make this same silly announcement and every year Harrison Ford gets another year older and every year nothing happens. You have to admit the twelve year age gap between Connery and Ford has now become rather absurd. "A fly sitting on a pile of cow turd thinks himself a king... SO TRUE"....eh? What the fuck are you talking about? How is that "SO TRUE?" Grow some antlers you dumb moose.
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"An adventure becomes a race for time as Florida scrambles to find the $25,000 to pay for this set of wheels before it's to late."
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looks like someone is still trying to make new friends...now appologize for calling everyone cunts, you fucking loser.
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going down that pole for New Years Eve. Yowee.
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i'd like to say that my maing up jivey titles is in no way me "hating" on Indy 4. i'm actually really excited about the film and am just doing it in good fun. anyways...cary on,,,
Indiana Jones and The Clouding Catorax of DOOM! -
that was meant for stooop
Indiana Jones and the Bunch of Cunts?
by stooopider Jan 2nd, 2007
06:06:07 PM
Starring everyone in here. I'd go see it.
ur in the clear colon...now say ur sorry stooop, like a good puppet -
to deliver always on time a lame, fucked over script. Just like WOTW. Are we suppose to feel all fuzzy inside because the big wig directors, stars and writers are collaborating on a dead horse idea? Save the time and money and donate it to NNamdi in Africa.
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It has been rumoured for quite some time that the fourth film would be called "Indiana Jones and the Lost City of Atlantis".
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i knew someone would make a backed-up colon joke right after i typed "in the clear" :P lol
and Ray...there was an Indy game for the Mac years ago with that same title so i doubt they'd go back to the well on that one -
Some comedy shit from Sly Stallone: "Believe it or not, we're dealing with the Thailand situation, which you know is becoming extremely politically unstable." Wow. First Axl Rose brings "democracy" to China, now Sly Stallone carves up Siam. Divide and Rule, baby! I tell you it all started when Arnold Schwarzenegger conquered California. It just set a bad example. Now these 1980's mega star hell raisers are all setting up banana republics everywhere round the Pacific Rim. We must put a stop to their greed before it's too late! Last night Michael J Fox invaded Hawaii and Ralph Macchio threatened to nuke North Korea. How will you live with yourselves next week if you let Cyndi Lauper become the Queen of Australia? What would Indiana Jones do?
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No, not Steven Spielberg, George Lucas, Frank Marshall and David Koepp, ..................... But Social Security, Government Loans, Family Members and Denture Kreme.
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i also heard a very interesting rumour that the new Indiana Jones movie would involve an enormous labyrinth being built under New York during the 1950's
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"Actually, Penn and Pacino adlibbed most of Carlito's Way."
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"The first draft of Jurassic Park didn't need any of those silly dinosaurs."
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"I ghost-wrote Patch Adams."
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"Gangsters made me write Spider-Man."
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"I sometimes hurt small animals."
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"Towards the end of the 200 day Panic Room shoot, I used to call David Fincher and point out the holes in the plot."
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"I screen The Lost World for potential spouses, to see if they notice my cameo."
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War Of The Worlds is shit. But do you think I give a FUCK? No. D'you know why I don't give a FUCK? I'll tell you why. I wrote for Spielberg, you didn't. Oh, and I get PAID to write about dinosaurs. So fuck you all.
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"I write all my scripts with spaces where the vowels should be, and leave the director to fill them in with a red pen."
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Jan 02, 2007 7:10:10 PM CST
Calista Flockhart to cameo as Indy's bullwhip - FACT
by performingmonkey
I just asked Koepp and he admitted it. He fucking admitted it, the sick-ass punk motherfuck. He also admitted Indy 4 is about aliens building Atlantis.
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I've heard rumors that his INDY 4 script is floating around online somewhere. Anybody got the goods? -
Yep, I said it.
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"I show homeless people my bank statements."
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"I regularly sneak into Scott Frank's office and drop crumbs on his keyboard."
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"Whenever I take a cab, I explain to the driver what Mission: Impossible was about and refuse to tip if they still don't understand it."
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"Sometimes genocide is necessary."
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he'll put the hat and jacket on, crack the whip and he'll pull off the same badass character for at least one last time. he'll play an older indy in the post ww2 communist age, going after some rad magical artifact and it will be awesome. i have no fear in this one because i'm not real picky. sure, they could f it up somehow, but i doubt it. just don't make it a huge reunion movie and don't fill it with wacky old girlfriend scenes. i'd dig it if marion and him get together at the end and if dad makes an appearence, almost like he did in robinood. and if he has a daughter... hmm. i guess he always needs a chick by his side, and i'm sure marion ravenwood couldnt handle all the action. natalie portman is hot.
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he'll put the hat and jacket on, crack the whip and he'll pull off the same badass character for at least one last time. he'll play an older indy in the post ww2 communist age, going after some rad magical artifact and it will be awesome. i have no fear in this one because i'm not real picky. sure, they could f it up somehow, but i doubt it. just don't make it a huge reunion movie and don't fill it with wacky old girlfriend scenes. i'd dig it if marion and him get together at the end and if dad makes an appearence, almost like he did in robinood. and if he has a daughter... hmm. i guess he always needs a chick by his side, and i'm sure marion ravenwood couldnt handle all the action. natalie portman is hot.
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theres an atlantis video game i think, and there's a bunch of scripts online, spear of destiny, sword of arthur, aliens, you name it. just google it. i'd like to see indiana fight in a snow, hope he goes upto the north pole or something
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Ooo, I disagree. Raiders WAS perfect. There's not a thing about that movie I would change (in fact, I'm steamed that they removed the cobra reflections on the DVD). Not one word of dialogue, not one shot, not one special effect. "Temple of Doom" made up for it, though. In spades.
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"I am the only person who didn't work on Con Air to have a Con Air Scrapbook and crew sweatshirt."
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"I speak faster when talking to old people."
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"Me and my buddies have a weekly poker game where we bet with items of hospital waste instead of chips."
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Where Harry will have us all ask Harrison questions and he answers until Indiana Jones 4 is made. Only it will relaly be Sly answering them.
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"I etch my initials into the paint of every rental car I use, and keep the slivers of removed paint in glass jars, arranged on a shelf alphabetically by make and model."
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Jan 02, 2007 8:22:16 PM CST
Indiana Jones and the Continuing Rape of Your Childhood
by optimus murphy
Here we go again!!!!!
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"The day Jurassic Park broke 500 million at the worldwide box office, I organised my High School Reunion."
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I'm wilting! I'm wilting!
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Pass the Propecia!
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either theyre evil or good guys, eeither way they'd be trotting the globe, probly start the movie off in harlem and move on from there. at the end indiana slam dunks some gold monkey or whatever the macguffin is...
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"When talking to Tom Cruise, I don't look at his eyes, but at his forehead."
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"I leave dogs locked in cars during the summer."
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"I thought Ingmar Bergman was that chick from Casablanca."
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"After not getting the Spider-Man 2 gig, I circulated rumours that Alvin Sargent and Sam Raimi were romantically involved."
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"I don't wash the left side of my body."
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Unleash the snot monkeys!
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Because Harrison Ford is too old! We need to wait till he has a kid that looks just like him and then grows up, raised and fashioned and trained his entire life to take on the role of Indy for Indy 4 and subsequent sequels, his raison d'etre!
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Watch the eldery enjoy swinging that Wiimote like a whip, fighting with the Wii mote like it was a snake, and moving their arms up and down wiht the Wii mote to outrun that rock! RUN BITCH! RUN!
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Pluck those suckas!
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Yeah baby!
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Temple Of Doom was the worst of the 3 Indy films because there was no interesting villian. Nazi Germany was the greatest villian the 20th Century or Indy has ever faced. What could top that? Another "evil cult" that lives in a cave?
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Lets see if we can get this TB over 1000! All I wanted to say is that this is just great. It will be wonderful to see our buddy up there kicking some ass. Spielberg will not sell it up the river, he'll shoot film. And I recall reading he will keep the stunts classy; ie. cg-less. Its so on. And yes, Karen Allen for the love interest. Also whoever suggested Hiro for Shortround, you win bonus points.
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I mean I know most of the jokes are done in good nature but come on, it's first Spielberg's pure action adventure since the 80s. I for one am excited to see what he comes up. I know he had enough time ot prepare for this.
This movie will rock. -
Jan 02, 2007 11:05:43 PM CST
First time I've ever been first in a popular talkback.
by s0nicdeathmonkey
other than the announcement of the Sly messages.
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'Nuff said.
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Jesus H. Christ, they're actually going ahead with this? What the hell is he going to do, wheeze through the action scenes and take herbal Viagra for the love scenes (which will undoubtedly take place with an under-30 actress, which will make Ford look worse than Woody Allen, even)? This should have been done ten years ago -- uh, the ship has sailed on this one. And yeah, yeah, I know all about "Rocky Balboa," but really, aren't people going to this film to witness the horror of Stallone's really bad face-lift and dye-job (not to mention those terrifying, Uncle Leo-like eyebrows)?
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also known as "Who the Fuck Cast Me in this Movie?"
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there's a coin flip for ya
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Wow, AICN added Sigs! I HATE SIGS!
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work with me here
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That's about the funniest thing I've ever read on this site. Nice work.
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Dillingers penis is stolen from the Smithsonian and Justin Timberlake sings the closing credits...MacGuffin that!
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Somehow yesterday, when I logged in I was taken to a page that had a bunch of stats and options for my account, I don't know how, or why I ended up there. One of the options was to create your own sig, and the comment above is what I entered. Now, I go nd try to pull off the subject only post (still haven't figured that one out) and tr to post without anything in the comment section and what do ya know? My sig shows up. lol.
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in an attempt at inventing a new digital film technology, Lucas cloned himself 3 times. Wanting to take an extended vacation he handed over directing duties for the Star Wars prequels to his clones while gorging on ladyboys in bangkok and posting on TB's as a Don Murphy stooge.
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wheres the appology, dick?
and am i supposed to be impressed that you've
A. stepped out into the sun
B. talked to a girl cashier while buying a fucking Moon Pie? who gives a fuck...heres the deal, you friendless gimp
1. i have a good paying job, a car and am old enough to drink, smoke, buy a gun, buy porn and vote...so trust me, my mom letting me go out to play on friday night isnt all that exciting anymore. someday when u can grow something besides a sad teenage mustache, youll understand.
2. as for girls, im fucking married so to put it bluntly, i have hot and cold running pussy on tap, so yeah...mission accomplished. altho you wouldnt understand what a relationship is like since the closest thing you have to one is when ur mom feeds you...she really should look into weening.
harry, ban this fucking child seeing as how he provides nothing to this site. -
Beats Chuck Norris in cement block breaking challenges, EVERY TIME!!
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65% of TB'ers prefer their chili with no beans
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5% of TB'ers spellcheck by proofreading, 95% don't give a shit
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82% of TB'ers find it easier to preform a clever play on words than perform a smart play on stage.
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80% of all talkbacker will be in line opening day for Transformers dressed in cardboard box costumes. Another 15% will go with sunglasses, a fake mustache and a Snidel Whiplash-esque cape. 4.99% will stand by their convictions and not see the film. MCMLXXVI will indeed not see the film in theatres, but WILL be home watching a bootleg version on his computer while crying and feverishly masterbating using Optimus Prime Shampoo as lube.
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is what i meant...edit button plz, harry
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was rumored to go on an 8 hour, F bomb laced, rant upon hearing he lost out on the lead role for Snakes On A Plane. The earlybird crowd at Denny's, not amused.
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A waiter saved the life of Calista Flockhart, who had fallen into her poached egg after catching a stray Ford roundhouse-ish kick. Said the waiter"Thank God we still serve cheerio's".
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that S mart shopper writes for Leno :P
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The Macguffin will be a jewel that is actually a human being.....oh wait...that's been done.
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Fucking, if you don't mind me saying, hell. I've been at work for an hour and I haven't done a damn thing thanks to you funny bastards. Keep it up.If only there were some way to channel all this creative energy into screenplay form. I think it would be pretty damn entertaining.
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last on for the night ;) I'm out.
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this movie will rule.
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LONG LIVE GEORGE SPIELBERG AND STEVEN LUCAS!!!
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Been saying this for a while, and I'm sticking with it. There is PLENTY of time for this project to be cancelled or pushed back yet agin for the 64th time. And even on the slim chance that Indy 4 does get made this time...it will be too little, too late, and it will be the wrong thing anyway. Of course if it does get made (Which it won't), I hope its good but I'm certainly not going to bet 2 dollars on it much less the entire farm for that matter whether its going to be good or even at least tolerable.
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God bless both of you! I feel very energized after reading some of that funny shit. This will get me through at least an hour at work. (maybe)
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Just because Lucas announced it doesn't mean it's a done deal. It could easily become derailed before it goes into pre-production. Plus, I also think that an INDY 4 is a bad idea. LAST CRUSADE ended the series on a perfect note---why tarnish the character? I'm sure Lucas, Spielberg or Ford don't really need the money or a hit that badly.
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...Or a Bro.
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The thing is, you people have no faith. You spent all your time slagging off Stallone, and now all of a sudden you're furiously auto-fellating to his every word. The same situation will arise next year, when Indy IV comes out, and (for a short time at least) you will all be 12 years old again.
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Jan 03, 2007 8:52:33 AM CST
Scene in TEMPLE OF DOOM that has always puzzled me. . .
by mutant leader
Remember that scene in which Indy is lying down and screaming, writheing as he kicks over those candles? What the FUCK was up with THAT? Did they put him to BED like Lucy van Pelt and Linus? ;-) Did Mola Ram hold his *hand* and say 'he's feverish'? :) -
Damn! As much as I want this movie to happen - this TB is some funny shit. keep it rollin'.
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Great laughs.
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Went on a drunken DUI rant about Australians.
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Who knew he was such a fan of country music?
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Oops. I forgot that George Lucas is involved. (heh,heh)
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Sweet.
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I know I didn't click post three times damnit.
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You and Indy now have something in common. (he pisses himself too, but because of OLD age, not laughter...aaahh old jokes)
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3 times the charm...
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of Doom.
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Jan 03, 2007 9:50:28 AM CST
Indiana Jones and the Hard to Open Fickle Jar Jar Binks
by just pillow talk
meesa like Indy.
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(of doom).
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of doom!
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Jan 03, 2007 9:59:02 AM CST
Indiana Jones & the 875 National Geographic Backissues!
by ricky henderson
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sounds scary...and adventerous!
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Now Indy has a bigger problem with snakes...HIS OWN!
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cmon, lots of creepy old men love model trains, right?
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I want to take them to a museum!
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yeah!
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to get a kickass new birdfeeder. Of Doom.
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Crusade.
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I love how in my world, old Indy is Jewish. Hence the dibbuk joke. True story through, my Grandfather thought there was a dibbuk (a Jewish Gremlin) living in his chimney. Turns out it was just a black squirrel.
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do you have to make such a racket?
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so I don't drop it, slip trying to pick it up, and break my hip
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don't forget me!!!
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Foxwoods!
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Just when you thought it was safe to sit near grandpa
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"He pullsh a muschle, you pull a hip; he shensh one of yoursh to the retirement home, you shend one of hish to the intenshive care ward. That'sh the archaeology way."
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"I find that if I jusht shit down and think, the sholushion preshentsh itshelf... although, plenty of bran in your diet alsho helpsh."
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"Ishn't that jusht like a nazi? Bringsh a holy grail to a drinking contesht."
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"Loshersh alwaysh whine about their besht. Winnersh go to the easht wing and get a shponge bath."
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"I have a unique knowledge of thish resht home fashility. I wash formerly a guesht here."
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"We will pash through the American patrolsh, pasht their shonar netsh and lay off their largesht shitty, and lishten to their country folk mushic while we reminish."
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"Crude and shlow clanshman, your attack wash no better than that of a clumshy Messchershmitt."
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No bi-focals required.
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Cleans out the plumbing every time.
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"Trebek, you shir..are a homo!"
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"Red wine with fish. That should have improved my chanshesh with the duty nurshe."
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Try the Talkback that is blackjack x 1000. I'm not posting a link and I strongly caution you NOT to add any posts as the proprietors of AICN do not look favorably on it.
Sorry if this is a double-post, but the previous one didn't show up. -
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Schweaty Balls
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"I waash in HighLander, you fedora wear prick!"
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"You're the dog now, man?"
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"My dear Adsho, we musht not allow ourshelvesh to be influenshed by irrashional rumoursh of the Antichrisht, eh? Let ush inshtead exshershishe out brainsh trying to sholve thish crosshword puzzshle."
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Really, I get tears streaming from laughter, ...all because of a select number of my fellow talkbackers have a great sense of humor. Bravo. Harry needs to rank these titles or something.
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Raiders of the Lost Season, Temple of I Didn't Do it for the Money
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"My dear nurshe, don't flatter yourshelf. What I did thish evening wash for exshtra bacon bitsh in my omlette. You don't think it gave me any pleashure, do you?"
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I'll help.
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Damn kids!
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congrats, fellow geeks.
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"Don't fuck this up like Bay and those fucking robots!"
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"Those darned nazis. Always some religious artefact or other. I took a cab over to the Skywalker Ranch - cute driver, she was the one offered me a tip - and questioned the fat man. What was this Falcon, anyway? Was Millennium a code name for Maltese? I offered him a couple of C-notes to spill the beans, but he tried to sell me some toys. I told him, if I wanted to play games, I'd be at home with a deck of cards and a single malt. He didn't take. I don't understand these Californians."
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Jan 03, 2007 11:52:08 AM CST
Indiana Jones and The Blue Screen He's Trying to Skip
by s-mart shopper
Rocks off of
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Face a pit full of snakes? Chase a Nazi truck on horseback? Teach an underaged Chinese kid how to drive? Actually drive to BERLIN to retrieve his father's Grail Diary?!
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"In my day, fella didn't need a whip, and a six-shooter was ten minutes at the craps table. A hat was all. Fella walks into a room with his wits and a hat, walks out with a dame. Holy Grail? Might as well be a porcelain teacup, long as it holds a whisky and soda without disintegratin'."
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It makes him feel like he's sledding down an icy mountain in India with Shorty and Willie Scott! It makes him want to brave the cold streets of Nepal just to reach the Raven's Nest! It makes him...eh, there's no snow in Last Crusade, is there?
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Indy would ride in a plane with a pet snake named Reggie! Indy would throw sand in the face of a Huge Nazi mechanic! Indy would cheat at poker with ShortRound! Indy would motorcycle joust with Nazis!
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I can see Indy on top of a hill. His woman at his side when she screams. She says that there are millions of ants headed their way. Indy tells her those aren't ants. Those are midget nazis. He hates midget nazis.
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Indy would cut the rope bridge over the croc-infested river! He would keep his eyes shut even though the Ark was being opened! He would hang on to a Nazi submarine while it travelled through the Mediterranean!
A younger Indy would steal Coronado's Cross and try to hide on a circus train! -
*OUCH*
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"Treasure's for the Sierra Madre. Fella works in a class fulla teacher's pets, he's gotta take advantage. A honey don't leave an apple on your desk without expectin' course credit. She was tryin' to scribe an essay on primitive Amazonian mating rituals. Well, I cleared up my appointments for the day and scheduled a private demonstration. She'd gotten the words "Love You" on her eyelids. I like a dame that can spell. And a spell's exactly what she cast."
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Jan 03, 2007 12:19:03 PM CST
Indiana Jones and his Yiddish Stories for Young People
by ricky henderson
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Per one of your posts way, way back:
Indiana Jones vs. Carlos Baerga
Indiana Jones vs. Ron Gant
Indiana Jones vs. Gary Gaetti (hell yeah!)
Indiana Jones vs. Pascual Perez
Indiana Jones vs. Pedro Guerrero
Indiana Jones vs. Randy Johnson
Indiana Jones vs. Frank Thomas circa early 90's
This could go on all day... -
Sidney Greenstreet to cameo as Salah's brother "Ahmed". Peter Lorre to play "Nazi Stooge #1".
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"Shanghai was a helluva place, I'll give it that. Kids rear-endin' rickshaws and dames in sequin dresses singin' and dancin'. Fella couldn't ask for more. But the plane ride outta there? Call me a square but I like an in-flight magazine and a stewardess with mile-high qualifications in hospitality. If I wanted chickens I'd be in Kentucky. In the end, we took a boat. I recalled the boat I'd sailed in the Africas with the preacher's wife. Now there was a classy broad."
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funny, too. Keep'em coming.
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Indiana Jones and the 5 dollar doctor scholls rebate, Raiders of the lost prescription card, Indiana Jones and the Power of Atttorney, Indiana Jones and The Tennis Ball on a Stick is Your Co-star, Indiana Jones and Tell Your Bitch to Eat a Cheeseburger
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"Ilsa showed me how they say goodbye in Austria. I showed her the hard-boiled method: a cigarette and a smile full of wry. Turns out she was just lookin' for a way outta there, like every other soul. She had the Falcon, but I had Sam and his piano. Eighty-eight keys, that's all I needed. Eighty-eight keys and a song. In the end she flew like a falcon, and I settled for a hilla beans. Fella could get rich with a hilla beans."
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"You know how to crack a whip, don't you? You just flick your wrist and avoid the chin."
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"That was dreadfull! You are not going to L.A.! I've read talkbacks with more harmony and Paula stop crying, he was barely 18 and couldn't even spell clitoris, really!"
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Hop on one foot
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Two wacky archaeology interns (as played by Jonathan Silverman and Andrew McCarthy) try to pretend that their murdered professor is really alive, but the Nazi midget/murderer is out to "finish him off”! Indy may be dead, but he’s still the life of the party! Harrison Ford’s salary for “Weekend at Indy’s” = One meeeeelion dollars.
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"The Ahk of the Covenant! Yegads, nevah has there been such a prize. One does not clews their eyes to such majesty, one looks into the very haht of deity and comes face to face with God!"
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"Yesss, you will give me the idol, pleassse, and I will give you the wheep."
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I feel I can stop while I'm ahead(in my own mind). Major props to other Tb'ers, there needs to be a best of Titles list.
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"I don't need your fertility idols and I don't need your hat. I had a baby with Steve Guttenberg and Ted Danson. I was directed by Spock! I'm in the NRA, I woulda come up with that "shoot the sword guy" thing, too. I was Magnum, PI! Named after a gun. What were you, named after a dog named after a state? Go fuck youself, in a PG-13 kinda way."
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Jan 03, 2007 1:26:44 PM CST
Indiana Jones and the Drifting of his Buick Park Avenue
by orbots commander
And you know he keeps that sucker in tip top show-room condition.
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brother who is really an alien, but Chuck will kick some ass so who cares?
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"Awe, that's just what we call pillow talk, baby.";)
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Indiana Jones and The Fart That Smelled Like Vicks Vapor Rub
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Will you still sex me when I'm 64?
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"Hi, I'm Robert Downey, Jr. The original "Junior". What is this Indiana Jones, what is he, sixty-three? Sixty-four? If I wanted to see an ancient carpenter battling the forces of evil I'd be in church with a New Testament and a tub fulla mushrooms. Yeah, I know Calista Flockhart, sure, although I gotta say her profile looks like a slightly bent matchstick. Still, who doesn't love matches? Invented after the gas lighter, don'tcha know. Hey, I was in a Woody Allen flick. What were you in, Harrison? That desert island movie with whatsherface Heche?"
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...is the best comparison ever. Thanks, Marmoset, no need for me to comment on Ford's age/diminished capacity at this point. Instead let's just focus on what an unnecessary idea this is. I mean, Indy didn't go out on a crappy Rocky V note, so no one was really looking to give the character closure. What's the point of this, really, unless the title ends up being: Indiana Jones and the Return Trip to the Ancient Well?
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If this is the movie, I will die of excitement.
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Classic.
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Talk about going the extra mile.
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Marion! Get the ladle!
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i am finally willing to start feeling weird that their doidn this movie. i guess speilberg is involved and i still trust him to some extent but any involvment by Licas makes me nervous... I don't hate the new trilogy as much as I should, but I hate the idea of ruining something long since over that I consider pretty damn great... (i was a kid when I saw 'Temple'... i know its not the greatest, but I love it). Im just hoping that the CGI is used where appropriate. Aside from that, its gonna be what ti will be.
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It's just not a TB if we don't cast the Hulkster in the role: "Don't call me Junior, Brother!"
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I thought the Greenstreet was my fave until I got to the Robert Downey one. Bravo!
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On guard!
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Many of these, like the one above, are so stupid they're funny.
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Do you sense a pattern, here?
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Easier on the back.
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Die, flies! Die!
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heh,heh ...man, that's dumb.
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Ripon College
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Ripon College
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Ripon College
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for the triple
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Best to leave the snow shoveling for the young-bucks.
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ear hairs of doom
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I enjoyed many, esp. Indy IV: the quest for peace and quiet.
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Too soon to be damning Michael Bay.
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I will contribute in some way or fashion. Loved "Indiana Jones and the Proper Pull-Out Method" by the way.
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Just click in the Comment field and tap the space bar a couple of times.
Presto! -
stooop is trying to play nice with the other kids and fit in....now say ur sorry bitch
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But the thing is Moriarty and the admins of the site got pissed off and kept deleting posts from ye almighty Aquaf@g. Then later started banning people for posting and purging their posts.So, I guess you could do what gets you chubby, but be forewarned never to let it get on the Top Ten. Plus, I have a feeling that somewhere out there in all the old TBs, some people are already doing exactly what you suggested.
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:o that's my Oh Snap face
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and likely to still be far more entertaining than this movie will be if Ford is still playing Indy like the "young buck" he isn't.
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did face off against Pascual Pereze (who obviously is transported back in time during a goernment Time Travel test gone awry which zaps him off the mound and into Indy's college class), rather than watch Koepp's movie unfold on the screen. I mean, at least Indy could play in the Oldtimer's game at Cooperstown in July. Maybe it should be Indiana Jones vs. Scooter Rizzuto in: The Battle of the Infield Hit!
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Stoops, if you're tired of playing nice and apologizing, you can always go back to tossing salad at the YMCA, because nobody gives a two fisted fuck about you or your comments. I know it's mean when mommy and daddy yell at you for peeing the bed, but one day you'll grow into your body and stop hating yourself almost as much as we and your family hate you.:)
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...While latching on to the director or movie du jour. I loved it when these same chaps were venerating Matrix as the new holy trilogy. I laughed again as LOTRers tried so desperately to accept Kong as a great movie. I challange all of these losers to come up with one idea as cool as Star Wars....stratch that, as cool as a light saber....
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Ouchhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
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It's this damn dry air!!!
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It hurts too much to get out of the recliner
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Ouchhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
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Just Monday through Saturday though. Sunday's is just too damn heavy!
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Throw me the candy bar!!!!!
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seriously
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Throw me the Koepp!!!
Adios Senor -
Heartburn. Why'd it have to be hearburn?
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Good god, dude, I'm howling over here.
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who loves Commie women so much he sold alien technology to the Soviets who then build a time machine and sell it to HITLER.
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I feel as old as Indy. Especially after wading through all the posts where folks thought they were clever posting ones that'd already been done 5 times. Damn kids!
Anyway, great stuff. -
(This Side of Paradise) but the love interest looks like Ashlee Simpson and it's got some of the worst writing and acting evah.
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It gets a lot of flack because the Horta looks like an ottoman, but it's actually very well written.
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Rated R
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Natalie Portman's Mouth Is Just the Right Size.
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wow...i expected more from a thespian of ur caliber, stooop. what u did wasnt even a play on words...gunslinger...cockslipper? whats the connection? must suck to have to try so hard to insult someone, especially when they are the pinnacle of everything you'll never achieve...wanna see how easy it is for me to insult you?
Stooopider-Official AICN Talkback Bitch (must be sad to have actually been awarded a title...but hey, beats getting a Participant trophy like you usually do, right?)
and now...of course, the favorite...
"I'm Sorry"
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! What a bitch. you'll live forever with that line..
Now appologize for calling me a cunt or i'll give your father some more "frisky whiskey" and point him in the direction of your room, fucking bitch -
"Well, Jones, at least you haven't forgotten how to show a lady a good time."
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"Again we see there is nothing you can possess which I cannot take away. "
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"I was a child. I was in love. It was wrong and you knew it. "
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"Look at this. It's worthless - ten dollars from a vendor in the street."
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"They're digging in the wrong place!"
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David Koepp believes in bunting to break up a no-hitter. The only other person who would do something like that is Hitler.
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according to MetalWater anyways...
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I can't believe this thing is still going. Good work, Ain't It Cool types.
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(he's so damn old he gets light headed easily)
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the old folks love their cardigans
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Jan 04, 2007 8:29:08 AM CST
Indiana Jones and the ever expanding back/nose/ear hair
by just pillow talk
of doom.
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I'm running low damnit.
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Doing things the same way for 30 years, why change?
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a.k.a Senior Citizens in the Role.
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on His Doorstep. Damn punks!
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Prince Albert is where? Damn punks!
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Nice one.
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Jan 04, 2007 12:05:21 PM CST
Indiana Jones and the Mystery of the Misplaced Glasses
by ricky henderson
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Hawk: Oh, and Belloq and the Nazi’s have got the Ark and are making a run for it.
Wimpy: Indy gonna have to get on his horse to catch these guys.
Hawk: So he does, Wimp.
Wimpy: The Nazis have the petal to the metal, Hawk, but Indy’s right along side them now. He’s reaching over from his horse…..
Hawk: Gottem!
Wimpy: Can o’corn!
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the old folks love their deep shag.
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Damn this server is achingly slow today. I've had to attempt posting two or three times for each one. (Good thing I've obviously got my priorities straight here at work.)
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(of doom!)
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I’m totally digging these. Keep going.
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The little ones spell trouble for Indy.
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"I was on an archaeological dig when I got the call. My agent. It seems Harrison Ford took a bit of a tumble and was unable to fulfil his contractual obligations on this... it's the fourth Indiana Jones picture, am I right? Yes, I think so. Anyhoo, there was of course a moral imperitave here, which came not only from my respect for Mr Ford as an actor but also... well, let's say I had some trepidation about taking over another franchise character. Fortunately Mr Spielberg... it's Mr Spielberg, yes? Yes, he assured me the leather jacket would not come with nipples and that my sidekick would have a little more... shall we say charisma, than certain sidekicks have had in the past. Although I must say Chris is a lovely young gentleman in real life."
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it was all nutty
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it was all nutty, he's allergic.
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Rizutto!
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"I was of course not the, uh, first choice to play the villain. My first nazi - you know, unless you count the late, great Mr Sellers from that, uh, that James Bond movie in the sixties; boy, that was back in the day. Actually, when I first got the call, I thought they wanted me to play the relic. You know, but I guess, I guess it's flattering to still be playing villains at my age... I'm what, I'm almost a decade older than the hero, am I right? And it's ironic to me because, uh, usually I'm the one chasing the young ladies and they're the ones chasing the ancient artefact. But, you know, they're filming in New York, which is of course my home town, and I hear Harrison's a hell of a carpenter. Maybe he can fix my acting."
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Indiana Jones and the Technicolor Dream Fedora, Indiana Jones and the Great Muppet Caper...wakawakawaka!
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"The coupon says a dollar off! Let me talk to your manager ya damn punk!"
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"I pulled out of the project when that fat fuck Lucas rejected the Mamet draft. What was it called? Fuck You, that's what it was called. My character came in early and told the decrepit sonofabitch to get back in the archaeology game. Hey, listen to me, you fuckin' apricot. You gonna spend your days, what, bangin' college girls, chalking X Marks The Spot on a fuckin' blackboard? I got a blackboard for ya. Read this, you bifocal-wearin' cocksucker. A-B-D: A, Always, B, Be, D, Digging. Always be digging. ALWAYS BE DIGGING. Do you hear me, you hearing-aid-wearing prick? You know what it takes to be an archaeologist? It takes brass balls to be an archaeologist. I found seven new pages of the Bible last year; what did you find? Fuckin' arthritis? Fuckin' bed sores? There are still nazis out there, you cocoa-drinking motherfucker. You fuckin' hat. Get out there, you sonofabitch. Get out there and whip some German fucks and take their gold."
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Rated G
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"The way yah daddy looked at it, this grail was yah birthright. And he'd be damned if he let any a those gerries get tha blue-eyed Aryan hands on it, so he hid it. Hid it in the one place he knew they'd nevah look: his ass. Five long years, he had this grail up his ass, until finally he died a dysentery. Shame, really - really a shame. But he passed the grail to me first. Two years, I had this uncomfortable piece a metal up my ass, 'ntil I was sent home to my family. And now, young Indiana, I give the grail to you."
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Freakin great. I agree with Yack and others, this Indy TB has actually proved pretty funny compared to where the previous ones have usually devolved to at this point. It's sad. But not as sad as doughy Harrison is going to look sporting the gem earring and battling Nazis.
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"Yeah, you best TAKE those teeth out if you want me to call again!"
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Jan 04, 2007 3:35:26 PM CST
INDIANA JONES AND THE BIG TIME SOUP SMELL IN THE HOUSE
by cletus van damme
..no soup has been prepared in his house for more than 30 years....weird.
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"Daddy...why's grampa crying?"
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Waiter! Waiter! Where is that damn punk?
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get to the mall already!
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"This isn't the park!"
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Who's gonna get all that shit outta my trees? Damn punks!
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..where Clubber Lang beat the holy dogshit out of Indy. The round ended and his father, in his corner, whispered to Indy, "You gotta watch them darkieshh, boy!"
..or am I thinking of Kate Beckensale in "Serendipity?" -
that is all.
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also in the truck: Ed Rooney and Pee Wee Herman.
I think we know how this bodes for Short Round. -
...that was sort of a comic relief flashback? A young Indy used his whip for the first time and did so incorrectly, accidentally removing his pants and boxer shorts with a single move, which revealed his cock to be almost knobby with herpes?
I may be thinking of Inspector Gadget. -
you old poop
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Sean: They’re talking about the curse again. I don’t carry suppositories.
Harrison: We’ll leave them. Once we get in, we’ll be able to reach the toilet by dusk.
They Approach the Film Studio Retirement Home.
Sean: The Studio Execs are near. The poison is still fresh. They’re following us, I tell you.
Harrison: If they knew we were here, they would have killed us already. This is where Charlton Heston crapped himself.
Sean: A friend of yours?
Harrison: Competitor. He was good. Very good.
Sean: No one has ever come out of there alive. Why should we trust you?
Harrison: No one ever had what we have…. Incontinence pants. Assuming that pile there marks the corner and… Let’s go.
Sean: I think we are very close. There’s plenty of light from that hole!
Harrison: That’s what scares me. Try not to touch that.
Sean: No time to argue. Throw me the diapers. I’ll throw you the …Adios amigo!
Harrison grimaces. He had a feeling this would happen. He looks around.
Harrison: I chose the wrong pants. I could have worn those…
Sean: Yes. Too bad. If only you spoke to Pacino. Come on now sport, show a little of the old backbone.
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great posts. Keep 'em coming.
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Because this mall parking lot is too damn big!
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The grandkids gave it to me 4 Christmases ago. I can't even figure out how to open the damned box let alone operate the damned contraption!
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Grandpa fell asleep in the recliner again
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Spoiler: One of them is that fat boyscout from the flashback
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I must, I must, I must throw this dust. So I can see the invisible bridge.
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*pat* *pat* *pat* "I stink pretty."
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Jan 04, 2007 5:38:51 PM CST
INDIANA JONES AND CARBON MONOXIDE, THE PHANTOM MENACE
by cletus van damme
buy a detector, sir!
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"plop plop, fizz fizz?!!? Sounds like Nazi propaganda!"
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Indy, too proud to admit he may have Alzheimer's, refuses to ask the black man on his boat who the hell he is.
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"The nazis saught the Ark, and for a time they conquered. But from the moment they opened that sacred box, looked at the sand, admired its beauty... they were doomed. By the toll of a billion collection plates, man had earned his immunity from that which he worshipped. But the nazis were not so generous, and in the end they were undone by that most powerful of forces: the Wrath of God."
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"My friend... you got a lotta grails there to choose from. One of those is the cup of Christ... the others are a one-way ticket to kingdom come. So you gotta ask yourself one question... Do I feel lucky? Well do ya, punk?"
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Coming soon starring Indiana Jones as Harrison Ford starring as Sean Connery starring as James Bond.
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"They weren't nazis, man, they were nihilists. They kept saying they believed in nothing. I said, man, fuck it. Take the fuckin' grail, man, just lemme finish my fuckin' beverage first, all right? And stay away from my ladyfriend. Then they go and fuckin' throw the Dude in a room full of fuckin' marmots. This will not stand... this aggression will not stand, man. You know? Hasn't that ever occurred to you, man? Hey, you have any Kahlua?"
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"I don't have to tell you things are bad. Things are worse than bad; they're crazy. It's like everything everywhere is going crazy and nobody knows what to do. We've got nazis running wild in the desert, we've got voodoo, we've got children digging up stones, we've got unnecessary sequels and computers replacing actors and motion picture franchises being controlled by anonymous humanoids in suits. And people sit in their homes, in front of their computers, complaining and discussing, but afraid to act. They say, as long as we have our sequels we'll be happy, we don't care about the quality, just give us John McClane and Indiana Jones and Darth Vader and Superman and Batman, and leave us alone. Well, I'm not going to leave you alone. I want you to get MAD! I want you to say, "These are icons of our childhood and, dammit, they have value!" So I want you to get up now. I want you to get up, all of you, and go to your windows, and open them, and shout "I'M AS MAD AS HELL, AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE!""
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Blown-Out Anus of Doom...
dude...do you REALLY wanna be known as Stooopider's stooge? THAT is even lower than his title of Official AICN Bitch...think before you say...and uh...MOM JOKES?! Dead Grandma jokes..and the baffling Best Suit post...wtf? is this all you've got? BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! go back to grammer school and learn some new fucking vocabulary you 12 year old douche -
I think it needs to be posted in EVERY movie Talkback from now on. EVERY. SINGLE. TALKBACK.
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Kudos on your most excellent contributions to making this TB a worthy and funny read today. However, I'm not sure what it means that "Dick" and "colon" are leading the funny pack here. Either there's going to be a Gulf War in here shortly or this Indy Talkback is headed for gay sex. (not that there's anything wrong with being gay, of course) just seems a humorous coicidence.
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"Mr Lucas wanted me to replace that old bastard Ford, but I read the script and the gore was too sanitized. Where are the face meltings and exploding heads and hearts being ripped out? I said "Listen, sugartits: the nazis have had a hard enough time in this franchise already. It's time to even the playing field a little." Then I asked about the religious inclinations of the director. Well, who knew?"
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"I am uncomfortable with this Jewish ritual." Can't believe I missed that one. PS: Cheers, Colon and Finky. Keep up the good work yourselves.
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"Choose everlasting life. Choose a grail. Choose wisely. Choose Zeppelins. Choose Lao Che Airlines. Choose the Ark of the Covenant. Choose unreliable South American guides. Choose Venice. Choose horses. Choose elephants. Choose a fedora, leather jacket, whip and a gun. Choose the Sankara Stones. Choose chilled monkey brains. Choose the Cross of Coronado. Choose the mine car. Choose carpentry. Choose an earring. Choose an emaciated trophy babe from television. Choose Firewall. Choose a fourth Indy film. Choose a McGuffin. Choose David Koepp. Choose box office gold."
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it's not my fault that your limited intellect prevents you from understanding my posts. an from the looks of your "blah blah blah" post, you're already running out of steam. can't keep up with the big boys, eh? oh well...another troll bites the dust
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"Ladies and gentlemen - I guess that takes in most of you - I say to you that this film is a failure. A disgrace to the name Indiana, which is saying something considering who's been in Diana. I thought my razor was dull until I saw this movie. I would have thrown popcorn at the screen, but I had to try to drown myself in something. Still, I'm sure the familiar strains of John Williams's music will come back to you tonight, and George Lucas's cheques will come back to him in the morning. I suggest this fella Spielberg be put away for ten years in Leavenworth, or better yet, eleven years in Twelveworth. By which time the DVD will be going for a buck fifty in Woolworth."
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Damn you, Cartoona! Harry nude AGAIN! You sick, SICK bastard!
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Soundtrack for new "Indy" film to be recorded by popular 80s band.
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Let's see what else yo have. Better get this out of your systm now.
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I really couldn't care less about your respective sexualities - being bicurious is your choice. But acting like you're the 'Big men on campus', like you're the 'Elders of the talback' is just making you both look like complete shafts. I can imagine you now - sitting in a darkened room, eyes fixed to a 14 inch CRT screen, manically rubbing your crotches as you invent some new polemic that will cement your position as talkback kings - meanwhile remaining blissfully ignorant of the fact that you are seen as clueless retards. I would hate to be you. Now let get back to Indiana Jones related puns, and move on from your childish gayness.
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heh, epsom salt...
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Ever had that crap? The elderly freaking love it.
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I'd imagine Indy likes the old timey pornography.
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Oy vey my knees!
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(of doom).
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(also, of doom).
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Not really an old age joke, but I like the idea of the university denying Indy tenure.
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Indy needs some glucose damnit.
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Jan 05, 2007 7:11:29 AM CST
Indiana Jones and the Three-Fifths of a Vote Argument!
by ricky henderson
Indy's kind of a racist in his old age...
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(look it up, its an ancient disease)
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Jan 05, 2007 7:20:23 AM CST
Indiana Jones vs The Garlic-Eating Gin Mill Operator!
by ricky henderson
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freaking old people lost the 2000 election...
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of doom.
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of doom.
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BSB you can think whatever you like, but I'm not 'stoopider', neither am I affiliated with him. If you choose to disbelieve that I couldn't care less. I am merely a regular member of the public who considers you to be a ridiculous twat, a clueless monobrowed retard who is probably so completely vegetative he is completely dependent on palliative in-home care; your life is no doubt characterized by long stretches of persistent vegetative state (PVS), peppered with brief lucid moments which you spend furiously masturbating and rocking back and forth, screaming Christopher Lambert's name at the top of your voice whilst ignoring your mothers frantic pleas to calm down. Eventually, after the Ketamine dart administered by your in house Nurse takes effect, you briefly manage to mash the keys of your PC with your sausage fingers to log some newly excretal reply on the talkbacks, before crashing to the floor with your underpants around your ankles and noisily evacuating your bowels and bladder. Does that pretty much describe your afternoon?
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"Ladies and gentlemen, my latest invention... the wheel!"
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"Indy, do you think I'd be doing this if I wasn't already drunk?"
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"Archaeologists dig... daily."
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Please, join me, won't you:
"GET SOME REAL SERVERS ALREADY, HARRY! " -
"Let's try and get the parting straight this time, okay sweetheart?"
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"Say, this McGyver fella sure knows what he's doing."
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"Boy, this milk's gonna give me indigestion."
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"Sallah, you better move this Ark by yourself. I couldn't raise a smile."
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...and colon thought he was done 100 posts ago- the name anagram were freakin PRICELESS"Sore entry, Hon. -- Doc J."? FantasticSomethign about "Indiana Jones and the Treacherous Footstool (of Doom!)" made me laugh my ass off. and Nicely, just when I think there couldn't be another "So and So Says", you breakj out two brilliant ones with Gibson and Groucho ("a buck fifty at Woolworth"- awesome) Please, keep it coming today guys. I need to end this week on a funny note.
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John William's new take on the Raiders March sounds more reminscent of the score from "On Golden Pond".
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David Koepp's new Macguffin is an alien "coccoon" on the ocean floor which helps keep the elderly from getting older and dying.
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the big action scene which opens the film begins with Indy staring down a "treacherous flight of stairs" in his house. Followed by a housecat approaching to rub on his leg. (why is it so many old people get pissed off when pets rub up on their legs? "Damn cat is under my feet again!")
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Indiana Jones and the Paperboy's tip - that is COMEDY GOLD Abomination! GOLD I TELLS YA!!!!
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Willie Nelson plays his "scrappy, young sidekick." "Hey lady, you call him Dawkter Jones! Now, pass me some weed."
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"It's in Georgia, right?"
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"Wallet, wallet, wallet... yup, still there."
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"Sallah, whaddaya been feeding this thing?"
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... of doom, naturally.
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"Damn Cubans."
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"How do I rewind this thing?"
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"Do me a favour: don't open the ottoman."
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"Don't you damn Arabs speak English anymore?"
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"Do you have any size smaller than zero?"
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hello, Hello, HELLO, HELLO !!!!
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"I coulda sworn I turned off the oven..."
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"I don't know, I'm making this up as I go."
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So absurd, it sounds like it could be an actual title for chicklit or something.
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"No danger of grave robbers, is there?"
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"All I want is the History Channel. Can you make that work?"
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"Sorry, Phil. All these semis look the same."
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"Three... seven... look around for the ten."
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"She hash titsh like a shparrow!" I was blowing my nose when I read that, you bastard. Almost emptied my brain into the handkerchief.
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"Okay, so it's 200 years in the future, and they clone Indy on a space station. Alien nazis!"
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Don't eat me, I'm a gefilthy fish!
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"Indy vs. the Triads. We hire Jet Li as the bad guy. Few jokes about being too old for this shit. Everybody's pregnant. I'll finished the script as we go along."
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"Spielberg? Fuck Spielberg. Les Wiseman'll do it for six figures. Internet neo-nazis, guys, it's the future. You want a sidekick? Get the car ad dude with the Lego clip-on hair."
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Jan 05, 2007 12:12:35 PM CST
Indiana Jones has to Wear a Fucking Helmet He's So Old
by ricky henderson
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"Indy campaigns for nuclear disarmament. Fights Nuclear Hitler on the moon."
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or my personal favorites
Indiana Jones and the Declined Credit Card
Indiana Jones: Hobo Fights 2008
Indiana Jones and the Crackpipe of Doom
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"Sallah dies fighting a Soviet super-archaeologist. On steroids! Indy goes to Russia to do battle with the Commie bastard. We got some music video digging sequences in there. Lotta stuff in the snow. In the end Indy wins the hearts and minds of those backward Lada-driving schmucks. Quotes some Dostoyevsky, maybe - I'll look into that. It's all about world peace, fellas. And, you know, how great America is."
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Jan 05, 2007 12:21:22 PM CST
Indiana Jones and the Thrilling Telemarketer Phonecall
by ricky henderson
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"Indy's stuck in there with his daughter. No, no, wait... his diabetic daughter. And the nazis are outside, right? But the relic they're after is in there with Indy. It's called Panic Tomb."
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Jan 05, 2007 12:25:05 PM CST
Indiana Jones and the Floral Wallpaper of Enchantment
by ricky henderson
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"We do the origin story. Indy gets bitten by the archaeology bug; he goes from a nerdy student to an all-swinging superhero. Tries to find the Green Goblet. He's called Henry Jones in the beginning, but then Bruce Campbell calls him Indiana."
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I'm scared that when Lucas announces the title to Indy IV, we'll all have shot our collective loads.
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"Political assassination at an archaeological dig. Spielberg does a twenty-minute opening shot of Harrison on a cell phone. Indy's best friend turns out to be the villain. We'll end with a hurricane, or if the budget runs out, just kind of a big wave. They all go for a disgusting buffet meal at the Maharajah's palace, and we discover the roots of Indy's mortal fear of... Snake Pies."
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Thats fantastic Yack
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"Gotta cut down on that red meat."
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it actually had options on it, wtf!
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"Calista will have half a glass of water and sniff the mints on the way out."
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"I'll pack my own shopping bags, thank you. Look, you're putting the washing powder on top of the eggs! Go earn yourself a diving badge, honey, and take your time."
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a good movie. Gone like his memory, his control of his bowels, of his will to live...
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I can't hear you sonny, speak up louder...gawd nab it...
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"Better get me a shorter tie."
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his enemy is Michio Kaku and his army of quarks
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"Boy, Calista's been really quiet this last coupla years."
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"Feed me like a bird Marion, gums ain't good for chewin' no more"
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I had a relative who had about 40 in house -all about 5 seconds apart. crazy friggin' coot.
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"What's the matter, son, you don't have change of a shilling?"
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"You're the tit's Marion, light switch is way over there."
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Do the Mets still have Shawn Greene playing for them? Also, ever see that Dennis Leary rant in the booth during a BoSox game about Jewish baseball players? It's fantastic.
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"I snuck a peek at September. Ahhh, looks like the Mississippi Flats."
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What, too soon?
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Ricky, I'm saving this TB and ALL of its comedy gold and whenever the title is announced, I'm whipping this bad boy out and re posting, of course with the TB handles of the original authors. It's just too good to let go into the old goodnight of AICN's netherlands.
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"Think we should name 'em, Calista?"
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Am I being overzealouns in suggesting a few of you guys need to write for TV? God knows the Simpsons needed you guys about 8 sesons ago.
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Jan 05, 2007 1:08:03 PM CST
Indiana Jones & the Inability to Watch Schindler's List
by ricky henderson
bad taste? Fuck it, I'm half a Jew so its ok.
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"Helps my circculation Marion"
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Jan 05, 2007 1:09:34 PM CST
Indiana Jones & the Kosher Burger Joint: Kosher Castle
by ricky henderson
It exists. It's in NJ...
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Jan 05, 2007 1:12:05 PM CST
Indiana Jones and the 50 Hardboiled Eggs in the Fridge
by ricky henderson
Why do the elderly cook hardboiled eggs and then stockpile them?
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The Raiders March has been replaced by the Mourner's Kaddish.Hey, Indy gets up at 3am, why not head to schul on Saturday morning?!
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And I thought the "Sino-American Cafe" they had in Richmond when I was a kid was bad. Eh, at least "Mazel Wok" sounds funny...
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Jan 05, 2007 1:14:45 PM CST
Indiana Jones and no memory whatsoever of Blade Runner
by just pillow talk
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"Hop on Marion and we'll get them groceries"
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"Grandpa Jones always hides it in his closet with his whip and pistol."
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"Damn kids and their rock n roll music"
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Go Judaism! Shawn Green worked harder on Yom Kippur than he did during the postseason. Here's the link to that Dennis Leary story I mentioned: http://tinyurl.com/gdtva
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"Well, it's about fuckin' time."
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Should be a classic.
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the old ladies dig it.
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Jan 05, 2007 1:20:07 PM CST
Indiana Jones & the Euthanasia Agrument With His Family
by ricky henderson
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"Damn kids and their gadgets"
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"Just don't crash into anything, Calista."
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"This tubs got rails, Marion"
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"Say, which way to the World Fair?"
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where there was two, there is now three...
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Old people aren't going to live very long, why do they need so many extra batteries?
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time to put those pups in a 'Bro'.
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"Your savage friends gotta lighten up, Calista."
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"Push hard, Marion. Trust me."
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"There it Marion - under then chins"
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later folks.
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parking spot.
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"I will live in Montana. And I will marry a round American woman and raise rabbits, and she will cook them for me. And I will have a pickup truck... maybe even a "recreational vehicle." And drive from state to state. Do they let you do that?"
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"Y'know, I seen me a mermaid once. I even seen me a shark eat an octopus. But I ain't never seen no phantom Russian submarine."
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"Can I get these exchanged for cash? Or maybe my own plane?"
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Why are old people SO possessive of their seats?
"I sit here in this chair every day for supper, Rene. I'm not moving! Wait 1,000 years for all I care!" -
Butch. And He it, the only place he could - up his ass
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"5 O'clock. Time to be hitting the sack, Marion."
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"..*sigh*...I remember globetrotting."
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"2:30am already? Christ, I'm going to be late for breakfast!"
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"shit...shit...shit...shit.........SHIT!"
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"Old, am I? You wiseass punks, if only I knew how to use a computer. Just wait til my grandson comes home and shows me ho to respond to your messages!"
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Almost 9pm in France, the cigarette shops are about to close, and I got some local barflies to entertain. Catch y'all later down the trail...
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"Yeah, I fight Nazis...it doesn't make sense NOT to!"
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"Next time, Indiana Jones, it'll take more than INSULIN to save you!"
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Indy to his cats: "Welp, here comes the Board of Health guy up the sidewalk...we had a good run, boys."
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well-earned.
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Jan 05, 2007 1:37:53 PM CST
INDIANA JONES AND THE UNCHANGING LIFE INSURANCE PREMIUM
by cletus van damme
"...and there's no need for a physical exam!"
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"Give 'em a call...there's just no reason not to!"
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Just like a mummy with gas
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"Sardine Finger Queen" = your rightful place in comedy valhalla. Christ, I'm crying!
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"Sardine Finger Queen" = earns you your rightful place in comedy valhalla. Christ, I'm crying!
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"Indy, Sallah, and Marcus Brody all live in New York City. Wait, hear me out on this. They work for the University as researchers of ancient relics, but kicked out and decide to go into business for themselves. Indy meets a chick named Marion who's refigerator is haunted by lightning, or fire, Power of god or something and Brody figures out that she's living in the corner penthouse of Spook Central. ShortRounds joins with team of ghost hunters and they battle a Sumerian god who wants control of the world....and at the end there's a giant Nazi made of jello who marches over the city."
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...guess which one is the final draft, kids!
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"Sardine Finger Queen" = your rightfl place in comedy valhalla. Christ, I'm crying!
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Indiana Jones and the Chamber of old musty things, Indiana Jones and the Prisoner of Alzheimers, Indiana Jones and the Goblet of forgotten warm milk, Indiana Jones and the Order of Generic Drugs, Indiana Jones and Half-dose of Viagra, Indiana Jones and the Deathly Hallows
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Just kidding - funnist shit written on the TB's ever. You are king.
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"Breath smell like my cedar Marion"
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"It can hurt ya like a whip, but it's full of cash money!"
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"Okay, so Indy and Sallah are two researchers who find an extraterrestrial organism in an asteroid that has crashed to Earth. Though initially a simple goo, it rapidly evolves into a variety of creatures. Marion and Marcus Brody show up in attempt to control the new creatures that keep on evolving. With a little help from ShortRound and some Head and Shoulders shampoo, they kill off the invasive new creatures and save the world. So, you guys want to bankroll this movie, or what?"
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"You took an oath, if you recall, when you first came to work for me. And I don't mean to the Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, I mean to his boss... and I don't mean Santa Claus. You gave your word to his boss: you gave your word to the Grand Children of the United States. Your word is who you are."
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"Provolone......why'd it have to be provolone?"
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Indy is a ne'erdo-well taxi driver that quits his job to join the army. He convinces mild-mannered friend Marcus Brody to enlist with him. After bungling their way through basic training, and meeting two sexy MPs by the names of Marion Ravenwood and Willie Scott, Indy and Marcus Brody get separated from their platoon in Eastern Europe. The platoon gets caught by some Czech Commies. They rescue their platoon and "Big Thumb" Captn Katanga, and get home alive and well. Their Commander Rene Belloq is reassigned to duty at the South Pole. Comic genius, or what, guys?"
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always needed no matter how long the line is behind you or how close it is to a whole dollar. "I have the $0.98 here somewhere...
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Indy is an undercover cop pretending to be a kindergarten teacher in Washington State. He befriends a kid named "ShortRound" only to find out his father, Lao Che, is the villain he's been undercover looking for. In the end, Indy and Lao duke it out in a school bathroom (only after Indy's partner is shot) and Lao Che and his nefarious mothe are put away for good. This plot giving you guys a tumor, or what?"
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"What the hell was in that grail?"
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Indy dates this girl Marion, but when he breaks up with her finds out that, uh-oh, she has SUPERPOWERS! Marion spends the rest of the movie trying to exact revenge on Indy and...." oh, forget it.
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Jan 05, 2007 2:09:59 PM CST
INDIANA JONES & THE BATTLE FOR CUSTODY OF THE GRANDKIDS
by cletus van damme
...and I hope he gets it, too!
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"Damn Marion, the left is here somewhere"
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"I've heard things you people wouldn't believe. Air ships on fire off the shoulder of the Hindenburg. I listened to Mola Ram twitter in the the dark near the Temple of Doom. I even sat through David Koepp's last script pitch, but I turned the battery off for that one, hehe. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain. Time to die."
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the royalties that you would be missing out on would be HUGE.
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Jan 05, 2007 2:22:37 PM CST
Indiana Jones and the potential signing of Tony Armas
by just pillow talk
WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY I hear laughter from above...and it's in a mocking tone.
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"I still remember how Indy found that Ark. He was in the bathroom trying to hang a picture. The porcelain was wet, he slipped, hit his head and when he came to he had a vision. A vision of this!" (Points to a glowing Ark) "The Ark of the Covenant." MARTYAre you sure? DOCPretty sure.MARTYWhat about the Headpiece to the Staff of Rah and the Map Room?DOCTell me, Future Boy, who's president of the United States in 1985?MARTYWhat has that got to do with it?DOCBack off, man. I'm a scientist.
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Jan 05, 2007 2:23:53 PM CST
Thanks for the URL, Yack. I had a few last year too.
by cletus van damme
Cases in point:
"Indiana Jones and the White Buick LeSabre"
"Indiana Jones and the Huge Black "Over-Glasses" Sunglasses"
"Indiana Jones and the Torso Climbing Pants"
"Indiana Jones and the 5pm Pajamas"
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"So what if he's a 13yr old filipino boy, I love Calista! You can't take that away from me, DAMN IT!"
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"Feed me, Indy. Feed me all night long! Cause if you feed me, Indy, I can grow up, big and strong."
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"It's an absolute sin to accept the decline of old age. Why do things get worse and worse? They don't have to. They could get better and better. We don't accept that things fall apart. We eat when we can't chew, drink when we can't piss. We buy what we can't work and throw away everything that's useful. Why tell a man what he wants? Tell him what he doesn't need. Pretend he's got artificial hips and two catheters and piss that burns. It's wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. If we're washed up on this beach you probably don't need us."
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"saves the fluid that comes out when he removes his catheter. Puts it in a plastic bag. Puts the bag in the basement freezer, and... waits."
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...not thirty million...thirty bucks.
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Was once the front runner to direct a movie based on a script he was absolutley fanatical about, but eventually lost out on. To this day he is pained whenever he looks at that movie's poster above his bed. The movie...Super Fuzz.
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"Yeah, I was Indiana Jones. And I as Inheidi Fleiss and Incourtney Love...and I'll beat the shit out of the next fuck what calls me Michael Madsen."
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So, Indy had a flight on Lao Che Airlines the other week. You know, there's all kinda shit I will never understand about the airlines. First they tell you "Get on the plane, get on th eplane>" INDY says "FUCK YOU, I'm getting IN the plane!" Yes, there seems to be less wind in here! Indy prefers to be on the inside with you folks in uniform. That's another one. Now they call these people "uniformed crew members." First they were hostesses, then they were stewardess, then flight attendants. Well, INDY calls them "the lady on the plane!" Then they start the saftey lecture. INDY loves the Safety Lecture. The first thing they do is show how to fasten your safety belt. Great, Indy is on board a big plane full of adults, some of who are reasonably educated, and they wanna take time to demostrate the intricate workings of a BELT BUCKLE!" INDY fastenes his whip around his waist and calls it a day, goddamnit! "In the event of a sudden change of cabin pressure..." INDY knows this means "THE ROOF FLIES OFF!" "...a small mask will drop down. Place the mask over your own face first BEFORE helping any children around you...." Well, INDY does NOT need to be told THAT! (You're on your own, ShortRound!)"...and breathe normally." OH sure, INDY always breathes normally when he's in a 365mph vertical drop. He also SHITS normally. RIGHT IN HIS PANTS. The lecture continues. "In the event of a water landing..." INDY thinks this sounds suspiciously like CRASHING INTO THE OCEAN. "...your seat cushion can be used as a floatation device." Great, just want INDY wants. To Float around the North Atlantic for a couple of days clinging to a pillow full of BEER FARTS.
No, Indy is not enamored with the airlines these days. Probably because before the flight could even end, the fucking pilots left with all the parachutes, leaving only chickens and me, who had to jump out of the fucking plane with a goddamn liferaft. Waterlanding MY ASS!! -
"Where did you did up that old fossil?"
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Haven't seen it in years. Love the Borgnine, tho.
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"Where did you dig up that old fossil" [I can read this shit but I can't type it!]
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you mentioned awhile back that BSB masturbates, thinking of Christopher Lambert. That's funny cause I masturbate and yell "There can be only One!". Just thought I'd share.
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indignation of being helped across the street by Short-Round
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box-office past
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"COBRA DRY SUM"??? (Yes, this is my homage to the funny "Dr. Henry Jones" ones done earlier)
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"BAD CUM SORRY"???
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"YR BROADS CUM"???
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"BURSA MY CORD"???
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"CAD BY RUMORS"???
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"SORRY CAD BUM"???
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"ARMY CUB RODS"???
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"YA SCRUB DORM"???
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"RAMS BOY CRUD"???
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"A MAVEN ODOR I WORN"??
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"A REAM DONOR IN VOW"???
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"A REAM ROD IN NO VOW"???
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"A NEAR RID MOON VOW"???
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"A ARID VENOM OWN OR"???
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"A AD VERMIN ON OR OW"???
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Co-starring Jackie Chan. "Don't talk. Just dig."
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"ROTUND RHOS"???
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"DONOR HURTS"???
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"ROD RUNS HOT"???
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"TURDS HONOR"???
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"RODS OH RUNT"???
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"SH DOOR RUNT"???
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"ICE TWILL SOT"???
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"LICE SLIT TWO"???
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snake, snake, oh it's a snake, badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger mushroom mushroom, badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger
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"SLICE TIT OWL"???
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"COIL WET SLIT"???
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Co-starring Sienna Miller as the hot nurse at the retirement home...
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"jar jar binks" now it all makes sense
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Where the fuck is Sherm these days anyway?
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Avoid Warren Moon???
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"I found the fucking Ark of the Covenant for christsakes, why can't I save a goddam nickle per gallon"
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"Somebody's gotta find this girls undies"
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Minor veranda woo won radioman over. Woo Roman invader, invade narrow moo! Onward omnivore, a worn diorama oven - mandarin over woo - woven airman odor. Ovarian demon row, nirvana owed room! Drown avian Romeo, wino vendor aroma varied maroon now, avow admirer noon. Avoid warmer noon. Vain marooned row rained maroon vow. Narrowed vain moo! Naive narrow mood. Waived moron roan, rain avowed moron, armored nova wino. Avowed roman iron onion waved armor. Woman vino roared! I overran woodman raved maroon wino. Row naive doorman, random vain wooer, naive on wardroom. Airmen avow donor. Avow marine donor. Overdo Rain Woman, mooned via narrow wood manor ravine. Maroon van weirdo - Roman van woodier! Ironware van doom. Moan narrow video. Avoid Warren Moon!
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word
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Roman Van Woodier. Maroon Van Weirdo. Ironware Van Doom. They should cast Vin Diesel to play all three parts.
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what did i write that made you think tere was more coming? i simply called you a moron, plain and simple? and i'm LAUGHING at how you arent even trying to be clever anymore, just throwing insults in a sa attemp to establish dominance. and when did i say i was a "king of the TBs" as you put it? im pretty new on here, actually. i mean, how can i compete with someone who holds the prestigious title of The Official AICN TB Bitch? or NachoNegro The Stooge? c'mon, thats royalty. youre known and hated by all. so bask in your 15 minutes fuckers, since its the most aknowlegement youll ever recieve in your pathetic lives. ive accomplished a lot of my goals at a relitively young age...i have a family, a career, a home...wow, talk about a sucky life. you have, lets see...your mom, her basement, internet porn, peanut butter, your dog, and your balls (as miniscule as they might be) so forgive me in i covet all that you have. can you blame me?
btw, hows this for a punchline?
I'm SORRY...bitch -
I just saw the other thread and started LMAO!!! I think they closed it down, I wasn't able to post props to ya. Bravo Alpha, bravo!
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maybe?
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Somewhere a small kazoo buzzes...
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is like, the death number for TBs. might break 2000...maybe
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"choose wisely"
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*wrapper suspiciously loose...sweet suspiciously lacking a coating of sugar*
BELLOQ "AWWA GAWD THIS HAS BEEN SUCKED AND PUT BACK IN THE WRAPPER!!!"
...."he chose....poorly."
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Watch Rene Belloq and Grandpa Joe dance around the shabby shack and sing on Fox 11 news...tonight at 10!
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ruined everything.....EVERYTHING.
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Elsa Schneider cheered snails. Elsa Schneider relishes dance.
Elsa Schneider declares shine. Lanced heiress classed herein, encased relish. Heraldic sense enriched sales, cleansed shire, cleared shines. Salience herds cleaner dishes, searches lined larcenies shed. Hides cleansers – Cereals shined! – Increases held. Chile dearness, chaise slender needless chair, shields careen endless achier. Cheesier land’s diesel ranches reach idleness, relished canes search linseed, lichens erased heedless cairn. Elsa Schneider heard silences, nieces’ heralds lashed sincere, hailed screens’ shared licence reined clashes, relined chases, inhered scales. Elsa Schneider handles cerise, cheers denials, enriches deals, niches leaders, inches dealers. Elsa Schneider inhales creeds, eases children, reclines heads, recess inhaled. Shade reclines shared silence. Elsa Schneider crashed senile, shares decline. Rinsed leaches, acridness heel! Elsa Schneider nicer headless, chisel endears.
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boo-yah
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...that's what I heard.
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Jan 05, 2007 9:22:16 PM CST
INDIANA JONES ASKS A DOCTOR IF CIALIS IS RIGHT FOR HIM
by cletus van damme
Play it safe, Indy!
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Jan 05, 2007 9:24:32 PM CST
INDIANA JONES AND THE GAPING MOUTHFUL OF MASHED POTATOS
by cletus van damme
...yet I can't look away.
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Jan 05, 2007 9:31:55 PM CST
INDIANA JONES AND THE REALLY GOOD EPISODE OF 'LINGO'
by cletus van damme
"It..it's like linguistic bingo!"
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"I'm not sure what that smell is, pop, it's been here for days. Burning pencil shavings, maybe?"
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now with more fiber
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loves the Popeyes chicken
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Has a tattoo of Ash on his left butt check above the words Klatu Verata Neckto
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"Yi wang si-i wa ye kan dao, Xin li bian yao la jing bao jin tian zhi Dao, Anything goes."
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Jan 05, 2007 10:02:45 PM CST
Indiana Jones and the Walker Leg Stuck in the Sidewalk
by s-mart shopper
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Raiders of the Low Bandwidth, Indiana Jones and the Last Scolding of Overzealous Tb'ers
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Just showing my concern as someone whose been there
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the Tb's turn into slugfests
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I wake up slightly hungover after getting into an ill-advised drinking match with a genuine ex-Legionnaire and salsa dancing with some Colombians, and this thing is still going strong. Think we can make it to 2000 posts, fellas? I've got enough coffee here to wake up Jack Kerouac.
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