CHILDREN’S MATINEE With VISIT TO A SMALL PLANET

I arrived at the Alamo a scant 7 hours after last leaving it with a gaggle of children,
varying in ages from 3 to 10. Father Geek and I were the first to arrive inside to behold a
commercial on screen about BEANY-COPTER hats.... OBviously an insidieous creation
meant to throw us into a Dr Suess universe from hell.

The vintage toy ads continued and continued, the sounds of little tykes going “ewwwwww
man coooooool” as trains were shooting rockets and Dick Tracy’s machine gun cap
pistols were firing and GI JOE was capturing Hill 79.

Behind me, one row back, were two kids ordering bowls of ice cream as the ‘Pushergirl’
waitress says in her serpentine manner, “Would you like Chocolate syrup on it..... itsssss
gooooood!” to which the kids jump from their seats excitedly and proclaim.... “YEAH”

Meanwhile the children that reached an alleged state of maturity (the adults monitoring
their shorter selves) were perusing the Alamo menu.... here’s a snippet of some of their
dialogue:

John Q Father: “Eeeeeww... A pitcher of beer sounds sooooooooo good right now”
(note.... it’s like 12 noon.)

Jane T Mother: “Honey, not now, let’s just have some coffee”

John Q Father: “A pitcher of Shiner Boch.....”

Jane T Mother: “Yummmm, that does sound good”

I shit you not, that piece of conversation came from a pair of parents right behind me.
And boy did I smile. They quickly became addicted to the Alamo, for I heard them say...
We ought to come back here more often.... Wellll... just so long as they don’t expect to
get my seat! Heee hee hee...

Alrighty.... Quint, Father Geek and I are the only folks I know of that have been to every
single screening of every single film Quentin has shown in Austin for public consumption.
And... well... Quentin, has usually been.... ummmm... sick during the screenings of the
kiddie matinees, but Tim was committed to having.... THE CURE this time. But... QT
arrived right on schedule... and the look on his face was pure joy. For when he looked
out at the audience, he saw... about 300 extras from BUGSY MALONE sitting in them
seats. Children in the pre-K to 5th grade mode, little cabbages that could just barely peek
over the tables before them.

I’ve been dying to hear Quentin do an intro for a Children’s matinee for a long time
because.... well, it would almost certainly be tailored to the age bracket the theater was
stuffed with. This would most likely be the ‘Spike Lee-Friendly’ Tarantino if I had my bet
right.

“When I was a kid, the movie theaters had kiddie matinees like this one. They’d show like
all the Disney titles, but then the other stuff as well.” Quentin was dead right. The
Saturday Morning Fun Club was mine. It was put on by the University of Texas’ Union
Entertainment Program targeted at the youth of Austin. It was free.... you were
encouraged to throw paper airplanes, and food. This is where I really became the Harry
you know. They would show double and triple bills of films that were... to put it mildly...
WERE SUPER COOL. The prints were usually collector’s prints, I saw old Marx
Brothers films, the Harryhausen films, George Pal, the Disney live-action and animated
films, Gene Kelly musicals, Jerry Lewis, Errol Flynn films, Sabu movies and on and on and
on. I lived there... never missed one until they finally closed it down. The Bastards. But
still to this day I remember the people that contributed to the delinquency of this minor...
The Ticket dude was a fella named Eric Lord.... The projectionist was a dude named Bob
Magnussan. And for me.... it was the first free dose of my addiction of choice.

Next Quentin went into the whole RAFFLE THING. All the children had tickets...
Though not me. I was pouting like crazy. But hey... I don’t think girls have cooties
anymore so perhaps something is wrong with me. Quentin was working out in ‘kiddie
speak’ the rules to the raffle, when some Adult yells out.... “What’s the Prize?”

To which Quentin retorts.... “Nononononoooo, it’s a SIR prize!” trailing off with a few
giggles. Quentin then went on a run of questions for the kids in the audience, asking them
“Who amongst the kids here, Knows who Jerry Lewis is?” About 50% of the kids raised
their hands.... I can’t believe that is right. There was obviously some sort of fishing wire
attached to their hands that Tim pulled or something. But then Quentin started talking to
the kids that didn’t know who Jerry was... Stressing that they were going to “Love him....
And after this one.... Go see more”

Next the prize was drawn and this little waist high kid goes a marching up on the stage
alongside Quentin, who instantly began interrogating him. The kid was... totally not
nervous, and for me... it was this absolutely beautiful image. Here’s Quentin Tarantino,
this man that church groups around the country picketed DISNEYLAND in protest of
PULP FICTION, and here he is... presenting a Children’s programming (for three years in
a row) and enjoying the bejeesus out of it. Being cool as hell, shaking little hands and
being an all around model citizen. The parents here, I am sure were stunned. This wasn’t
what they were expecting I bet...

“For all the adults in the room... here’s a little bit you should know.... This was Jerry’s 2nd
movie after he broke up with Dean Martin... Jerry was trying to find his groove, and they
didn’t have his formula down... So this is kinda like just a really good movie that Jerry
Lewis just happens to be in alright?”

Then Quentin went into a rap about how we were going to see a ton of trailers first, and
that he owns prints for like all of them, that if we see one that really stood out... make it
known, clap and cheer and hoot and holler, and he’ll bring it next year. He then said he
had brought CLOCK CLEANERS, the ol Mickey Mouse cartoon...

Trailers...

SON OF FLUBBER... While the first Flubber was cool... this one seemed like it was the
concept taken to the super extreme. Bouncing babies... thrown football players... twas
cool.

THE WORLD’S GREATEST ATHLETE doubled with SNOWBALL EXPRESS... The
audience really really seemed to react to THE WORLD’S GREATEST ATHLETE... I...
well... I have to admit having a soft spot for the film. I mean... Nanoo the jungle boy
played by Jan Michael Vincent is just too weird not to be cool.

THE $1,000,000 DUCK -- Ugh... This was a film that caused me to just love eating
ducks. If I’d only been exposed to Donald and Daffy, I might never have turned into
Elmer Fudd, but this movie... I so disliked as a child... I asked Dad what Duck tasted like.
Duck is goooooooooooooood.

SUPERDAD -- I wanna see this movie bad, “See What Happens When A Square Dad
Hits The Beach!!!” This film has a motorcycle riding grandma that shoots pool like Fast
Eddie, and it has Kurt Russell. Too cool...

THAT DARN CAT -- Actually I really want to see this one too, I haven’t seen it on the
big screen, and with Roddy McDowell and Elsa Lancaster... well my interest is just
peaked. I’d love to see this.

Cartoon......

CLOCK CLEANERS -- One of the coolest cartoons drawn by the hand of man. I have
seen every frame silently a thousand times each. I had this cartoon in that old hand
cranked movie theater you’d hold up to your eye. You’d crank this wheel and it was my
first version of laser or dvd. You could freeze on every frame... I purely love this film.

VISIT TO A SMALL PLANET...

This film is one of the most risque children films I’ve ever seen. The whole movie has to
do with sex it seems. And the lines are fantastic. Just incredible.

“I’m getting prickly heat again”

“Breeding... out in the fields, then a half hour later you’re back to the plow with your new
born babe in your arms.... I can’t wait”

“36-24-36.... Where I come from the girls are just plain 36... This bend here... it helps
break up the monotony”

“We don’t tangle anymore... It’s a lost art, though I do think we were a bit hasty.”

Upon drinking a glass of scotch (it looked like) Jerry gets stuck on the ceiling and says,
“Now I know what they mean by being high.”

“Cold Spaghetti nothing! You’ve got a hot chilie look in your eye!”

Then.... once we goto the Beatnik club called THE HUNGRY BRAIN.... This film
becomes LEGENDARY. It’s fucking unbelievably cool. Double bill this one with
BUCKET OF BLOOD man, that would just sooooo rock..... or how about ROCK ALL
NIGHT.... Then we’d be swingin

“Cool baby.... wail....”

“Tell me double hipness... were you planted or did you come in on the beam?”

“But I’m With her....” to which the amazingly delectable beatnik babe says, “No, man,
you’re with IT!”

And then.... then there is the greatest line I’ve heard in a friggin dog year.... “SHAVE
MY BEARD AND CALL ME NORMAL!!!!”

During the Beatnik scene I began hearing kids around me saying, “That’s cool Kat!” And
it hit me... Quentin had just corrupted a segment of the future world of people. This evil
film has transformed happy ‘normal’ kids into hip groovesters that will rock our collective
worlds some day... and this film turned them.

I loved this movie... Can not possibly praise it enough. There is also this incredible,
incredible incredible dance number that I would put up against any of Astaire or Kelly’s....
This number screamed out uber-coolness. And whoever the hell that babe was.... OH MY
GOD, this is woman that would just kill you in the sack, she’d break the bed and your
back. Mega-babe. I’m in love.... with the beautiful Annette sitting next to me.... not this
this exotic beatnik babe of my dreams... wait... did I type that.... SHIT, I’m doomed.

Then it was break time. In about 5 hours the EXPLOITATION NIGHT was set to get
underway, and I’ll just fast forward.....................