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Massawyrm Slobbers On ROCKY BALBOA!!

Hola all. Massawyrm here.

ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY!

You’re god damn right it is! Raise those fists in the air and get ready for one of the most fulfilling and crowd pleasing films you’ll see this Christmas.

Look. We here at AICN don’t always see eye to eye. In fact, saying that we don’t always see eye to eye is something of an understatement. But there’s one thing about all of us that keeps us on the same page. We all have a shared history of films. There is a pantheon we all hold dear, films upon which there is no disagreement. Films we cherish almost as much as breath. Shit, I shouldn’t even have to name them. If you’ve been around here more than a week you should be able to recite them from memory. We sure as hell invoke them enough.

And yes, one of those films is Rocky. We all fucking love Rocky. And if for some reason you just don’t like or get Rocky…well, I’m not going to insult you, berate you or ask you politely to get the fuck out. But really. If you don’t dig on Rocky, this film has nothing for you. You’ll find it more of the same, trite, clichéd, montage riddled piece of sentimentality the rest of them are. So the rest of this review is going to come across as unhinged fanboy slobbering. Why?

Because Rocky Balboa will fucking own your sorry ass seven different ways from Sunday, mother fucker. It will fuck you hard and make you breakfast in the morning. It is, in fact, everything you’re hoping for it to be.

You see, Rocky is the guy we all wish we were. He’s the best. Not because he’s the strongest, and certainly not because he’s the smartest, but because he’s got a force of will that is second to none. He refuses to take no for an answer. He refuses to be told any different. And no matter how much it hurts, no matter how mangled he is, he always gets back up. Every. Fucking. Time. Rocky doesn’t give up. Rocky doesn’t quit. And that’s why Rocky wins. Even when he loses.

We live in an age of disposable people. An age where business and job titles are based almost entirely on turnover. Odds are the guy making your coffee this week ain’t gonna be the guy making it next week. And if for some reason he doesn’t make it right, you can go across the street to the other coffee bar until he’s gone. As a result, we, as a society, could give a shit about how we treat that guy. You guys know what I’m talking about. If you haven’t been on the receiving end you’ve either seen it or given it.

But not Rocky. He’s the last of the old school gentlemen. A real mensch. And Stallone has come back as Rocky one more time to show us how a MAN behaves. He’s back to give us all a little lesson in respect – both self and otherwise. Once again, Rocky is an example of how we wish we all could be. He’s getting in the ring one last time for the little guy, to prove that we don’t have to take shit from anybody. Not one of us. Not even coffeeshop guy. That’s what Rocky Balboa is all about.

Fuck. Yeah.

Thematically, Balboa is the direct sequel to the original Rocky. In fact, oddly enough, it seems to be the closest of the sequels to the original. While it clearly serves as a love letter to the fans of the series, complete with flashbacks to all of the previous films (except, oddly enough, Rocky 5…God bless you Sly), the film really does an amazing job bookending the series. The pacing, the structure, even the internal struggle are very similar to the original. But at the same time, the struggle of the man battling time itself is handled in a very fresh way – enough at least to make it feel like something other than a rehash of part one. And the clearly intentional parallels really do a wonderful job of both taking you back and wrapping things up at the same time.

This isn’t an attempt to restart the series. Stallone named this Rocky Balboa, rather than Rocky 6, for a reason. It’s over for the Rock. It’s bittersweet. And it is everything a fan of the Rocky series could hope for. If you’re one of those people anxiously awaiting this, praying for this to be a return to form – you will not be disappointed.

And yes, to paraphrase Team America, even Rocky Balboa has a montage. And what a blessed thing it is. Rocky Balboa comes Highly Recommend for anyone who’s ever loved a Rocky film – and not recommended for those who haven’t…or did but feels it’s played out. And if for some reason you’re too young to ever have seen a Rocky film…Oh dear god, son. Go out and watch 1-4 NOW. Seriously. Right now. You are not complete.

/end unhinged fanboy slobbering

Until next time friends, smoke ‘em if ya got ‘em.

Massawyrm

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Reader Talkback

dalbatron
by dalbatron
Dec 18th, 2006
06:46:02 PM
that’s why Rocky wins. Even when he loses
by JeanLuc Dickhard
Dec 18th, 2006
06:48:06 PM
ok the fun begins
by dalbatron
Dec 18th, 2006
06:48:17 PM
right im gonna watch them all this evening....
by dalbatron
Dec 18th, 2006
06:49:15 PM
Jeanluc
by Massawyrm 1
Dec 18th, 2006
06:51:14 PM
JeanLuc Dickhard
by tranpkp1
Dec 18th, 2006
06:52:48 PM
OK THANK GOD
by JeanLuc Dickhard
Dec 18th, 2006
06:53:11 PM
Rocky essentially won the lottery....
by GibsonUSA Returns
Dec 18th, 2006
06:53:25 PM
Just a bit too much in that review
by dalbatron
Dec 18th, 2006
06:54:28 PM
Rocky II
by NeoMyers
Dec 18th, 2006
06:56:07 PM
OK Massawyrm
by dalbatron
Dec 18th, 2006
06:56:15 PM
Guys -
by Massawyrm 1
Dec 18th, 2006
06:57:06 PM
jeanluc?
by dalbatron
Dec 18th, 2006
06:57:26 PM
I hope Rocky gets some fair umpires this time
by Rupee88
Dec 18th, 2006
07:04:03 PM
And I hope the talking robot makes another appearance
by Rupee88
Dec 18th, 2006
07:05:03 PM
Rupee88
by dalbatron
Dec 18th, 2006
07:08:38 PM
After BNAT and 17 major articles...
by Immortal_Fish
Dec 18th, 2006
07:10:00 PM
silk purse..
by dalbatron
Dec 18th, 2006
07:13:56 PM
i still have nightmares about the borg
by JeanLuc Dickhard
Dec 18th, 2006
07:14:58 PM
the borg are a bunch of shits...
by dalbatron
Dec 18th, 2006
07:19:35 PM
rocky could have the borg
by dalbatron
Dec 18th, 2006
07:20:29 PM
Massa...
by Bloo
Dec 18th, 2006
07:26:11 PM
The story behind the story...
by alienindisguise
Dec 18th, 2006
07:28:29 PM
Everett
by Massawyrm 1
Dec 18th, 2006
07:29:33 PM
massa we paniced about the way you worded stuff only ..
by JeanLuc Dickhard
Dec 18th, 2006
07:32:09 PM
what about rocky 5, dammit?
by jaylerd
Dec 18th, 2006
07:33:18 PM
too true Jeanluc... too true
by dalbatron
Dec 18th, 2006
07:40:32 PM
There are only, like, 5 different stories throughout
by CreasyBear
Dec 18th, 2006
07:42:23 PM
we don't "all fucking love rocky"
by reckni
Dec 18th, 2006
07:52:04 PM
"One and a million"
by half vader
Dec 18th, 2006
07:55:40 PM
Now when is the Karate Kid Part IV coming out?
by GibsonUSA Returns
Dec 18th, 2006
07:59:46 PM
Reckni
by Massawyrm 1
Dec 18th, 2006
08:02:20 PM
So... if it's cliche and the same old crap over 6 times
by Bean_
Dec 18th, 2006
08:04:07 PM
Sorry Zoidberg...
by Massawyrm 1
Dec 18th, 2006
08:04:17 PM
Massa
by Bloo
Dec 18th, 2006
08:07:07 PM
I must break you
by Lando Griffin
Dec 18th, 2006
08:08:27 PM
Lando...
by Massawyrm 1
Dec 18th, 2006
08:09:48 PM
great answer
by Bloo
Dec 18th, 2006
08:11:18 PM
I like all the different Massa cartoons
by jrbarker
Dec 18th, 2006
08:14:04 PM
Jrbarker
by Massawyrm 1
Dec 18th, 2006
08:16:25 PM
As i said before - opinions are like assholes aka zoid
by dalbatron
Dec 18th, 2006
08:20:50 PM
Creasybear...
by Uncapie
Dec 18th, 2006
08:23:37 PM
maybe...
by Bloo
Dec 18th, 2006
08:23:48 PM
I'm wondering...
by The Pusher
Dec 18th, 2006
08:24:06 PM
LMAO...
by Gigolo99
Dec 18th, 2006
08:31:03 PM
I wouldnt have thought so pusher...
by Judge Dredds Dirty Undies
Dec 18th, 2006
08:33:18 PM
I get what you're saying about Monday night
by Lando Griffin
Dec 18th, 2006
08:33:24 PM
I love these reviews, and I am seeing the film, but...
by Doctor_Sin
Dec 18th, 2006
08:42:11 PM
Caught Rocky at a Screening Last Week
by FlyingGuillotine
Dec 18th, 2006
08:45:26 PM
nice writeup and good way to quell the dissenters
by imageburn13
Dec 18th, 2006
08:57:54 PM
I hated Rocky
by LordTwinkie
Dec 18th, 2006
08:59:19 PM
I know where I'll be on Wednesday
by Ralije
Dec 18th, 2006
09:08:38 PM
I know where I'll be on Wednesday
by Ralije
Dec 18th, 2006
09:18:30 PM
Hey Wyrm, no Barbera rememberance?
by nomihs
Dec 18th, 2006
09:20:48 PM
Well Rocky was my favorite movie
by CherryValance
Dec 18th, 2006
09:24:01 PM
For God's sake!
by PwnedByStallone
Dec 18th, 2006
09:39:05 PM
RIP Barbera
by ElPaw
Dec 18th, 2006
09:48:34 PM
AK-47
by Mr. Nice Gaius
Dec 18th, 2006
10:05:11 PM
Hanna Barbera died...
by kuguy3000
Dec 18th, 2006
10:17:45 PM
AK-47...
by Gigolo99
Dec 18th, 2006
10:42:09 PM
I sure as hell loved it!
by bmsatter
Dec 18th, 2006
10:57:44 PM
Hey wow!
by half vader
Dec 18th, 2006
11:02:12 PM
AK-47....
by TheSplinter
Dec 18th, 2006
11:23:46 PM
half vader
by imageburn13
Dec 18th, 2006
11:32:12 PM
Rocky V is the Star Trek V of the series, crap!
by Orionsangels
Dec 19th, 2006
12:05:56 AM
your avatars
by quentintarantado
Dec 19th, 2006
12:41:10 AM
There?
by DocPazuzu
Dec 19th, 2006
01:24:07 AM
re: AK-47 = the Ringwearer9 of Rocky
by DocPazuzu
Dec 19th, 2006
01:28:19 AM
Great friggin review!
by Darth Thoth
Dec 19th, 2006
01:49:44 AM
The first
by KabutoKoji
Dec 19th, 2006
02:10:01 AM
Damn you Michael Bay
by MCMLXXVI
Dec 19th, 2006
02:50:41 AM
Why the Rocky V hate ?
by Dude_gimme_tabs
Dec 19th, 2006
03:01:40 AM
The problem with Rocky V...
by DocPazuzu
Dec 19th, 2006
03:28:18 AM
damn..
by DocPazuzu
Dec 19th, 2006
03:34:16 AM
I'm not ashamed to admit it....
by Judge Dredds Dirty Undies
Dec 19th, 2006
04:15:43 AM
I'm dreaming of a 6 disc HD Rocky Boxset of all 6 films
by Mace Tofu
Dec 19th, 2006
04:28:57 AM
All great !
by Dude_gimme_tabs
Dec 19th, 2006
06:09:17 AM
Massa=Balboa=Amateur Hour
by workshed
Dec 19th, 2006
06:13:56 AM
Workshed....
by Judge Dredds Dirty Undies
Dec 19th, 2006
08:53:10 AM
Imageburn
by half vader
Dec 19th, 2006
09:50:04 AM
The first Rocky is a CLASSIC, there's no doubt about it
by performingmonkey
Dec 19th, 2006
10:53:55 AM
does anybody else think
by oisin5199
Dec 19th, 2006
11:54:50 AM
Forgive me for being a simple, old school back
by Borgnine JR
Dec 19th, 2006
02:16:43 PM
Ginger
by blackwood
Dec 19th, 2006
02:59:02 PM
Uurban dictionary...
by idahomer
Dec 19th, 2006
03:40:41 PM
"I could ramble on with specifics..."
by idahomer
Dec 19th, 2006
03:47:13 PM
I hate people that mock gingers...
by Judge Dredds Dirty Undies
Dec 19th, 2006
03:55:26 PM
Judge Dredds Dirty Undies...
by workshed
Dec 19th, 2006
04:53:28 PM
I'm really looking forward to this
by NoHubris
Dec 19th, 2006
06:41:48 PM
Workshed
by Judge Dredds Dirty Undies
Dec 19th, 2006
07:36:27 PM
Dredd's Dirty Undies
by half vader
Dec 19th, 2006
09:07:18 PM
Call me Kenneth.
by Judge Dredds Dirty Undies
Dec 19th, 2006
09:25:11 PM
Touché Dredds
by half vader
Dec 20th, 2006
12:09:08 AM

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