Hola all. Massawyrm here.

ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY!

You’re god damn right it is! Raise those fists in the air and get ready for one of the most fulfilling and crowd pleasing films you’ll see this Christmas.

Look. We here at AICN don’t always see eye to eye. In fact, saying that we don’t always see eye to eye is something of an understatement. But there’s one thing about all of us that keeps us on the same page. We all have a shared history of films. There is a pantheon we all hold dear, films upon which there is no disagreement. Films we cherish almost as much as breath. Shit, I shouldn’t even have to name them. If you’ve been around here more than a week you should be able to recite them from memory. We sure as hell invoke them enough.

And yes, one of those films is Rocky. We all fucking love Rocky. And if for some reason you just don’t like or get Rocky…well, I’m not going to insult you, berate you or ask you politely to get the fuck out. But really. If you don’t dig on Rocky, this film has nothing for you. You’ll find it more of the same, trite, clichéd, montage riddled piece of sentimentality the rest of them are. So the rest of this review is going to come across as unhinged fanboy slobbering. Why?

Because Rocky Balboa will fucking own your sorry ass seven different ways from Sunday, mother fucker. It will fuck you hard and make you breakfast in the morning. It is, in fact, everything you’re hoping for it to be.

You see, Rocky is the guy we all wish we were. He’s the best. Not because he’s the strongest, and certainly not because he’s the smartest, but because he’s got a force of will that is second to none. He refuses to take no for an answer. He refuses to be told any different. And no matter how much it hurts, no matter how mangled he is, he always gets back up. Every. Fucking. Time. Rocky doesn’t give up. Rocky doesn’t quit. And that’s why Rocky wins. Even when he loses.

We live in an age of disposable people. An age where business and job titles are based almost entirely on turnover. Odds are the guy making your coffee this week ain’t gonna be the guy making it next week. And if for some reason he doesn’t make it right, you can go across the street to the other coffee bar until he’s gone. As a result, we, as a society, could give a shit about how we treat that guy. You guys know what I’m talking about. If you haven’t been on the receiving end you’ve either seen it or given it.

But not Rocky. He’s the last of the old school gentlemen. A real mensch. And Stallone has come back as Rocky one more time to show us how a MAN behaves. He’s back to give us all a little lesson in respect – both self and otherwise. Once again, Rocky is an example of how we wish we all could be. He’s getting in the ring one last time for the little guy, to prove that we don’t have to take shit from anybody. Not one of us. Not even coffeeshop guy. That’s what Rocky Balboa is all about.

Fuck. Yeah.

Thematically, Balboa is the direct sequel to the original Rocky. In fact, oddly enough, it seems to be the closest of the sequels to the original. While it clearly serves as a love letter to the fans of the series, complete with flashbacks to all of the previous films (except, oddly enough, Rocky 5…God bless you Sly), the film really does an amazing job bookending the series. The pacing, the structure, even the internal struggle are very similar to the original. But at the same time, the struggle of the man battling time itself is handled in a very fresh way – enough at least to make it feel like something other than a rehash of part one. And the clearly intentional parallels really do a wonderful job of both taking you back and wrapping things up at the same time.

This isn’t an attempt to restart the series. Stallone named this Rocky Balboa, rather than Rocky 6, for a reason. It’s over for the Rock. It’s bittersweet. And it is everything a fan of the Rocky series could hope for. If you’re one of those people anxiously awaiting this, praying for this to be a return to form – you will not be disappointed.

And yes, to paraphrase Team America, even Rocky Balboa has a montage. And what a blessed thing it is. Rocky Balboa comes Highly Recommend for anyone who’s ever loved a Rocky film – and not recommended for those who haven’t…or did but feels it’s played out. And if for some reason you’re too young to ever have seen a Rocky film…Oh dear god, son. Go out and watch 1-4 NOW. Seriously. Right now. You are not complete.

/end unhinged fanboy slobbering

Until next time friends, smoke ‘em if ya got ‘em.

Massawyrm

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