Hi Harry,
My name is Dax, LONG time lurker - years - never posted one talkback or submitted a review even though I've had a few scoops here and there.
After seeing "Flawless Fanboy"s studio written review posted to your site today I was absolutely incensed because they'd finally gotten over on you guys because I saw Turistas last night at a preview screening and boy howdy I gotta tell y'all - TURISTAS SUCKS.
I went into the screening with an open mind, a lifetime horror movie fan that was ready to like this - it was free and the trailer looked fun even though it's yet another Hostel rip off - not that Hostel was a big winner but compared to this it's a god damn Kubrick film.
Things start off a little confusing as there's this rapidly edited barrage of someone being cut, like 10 seconds with some crazy sound - like they're gonna show the trailer again but apparently that's the start of the movie - at this point I'm thinking alright, throw us off balance this is going in a direction - then credits roll with a standard montage about traveling Brazil and some tourist disappearances.
Then we get into it - cut to our Touristas as they're careening down narrow Brazilian roads on a bus driven by a mad man - some tension actually manages to be built here and again I'm kinda surprised and loving at as some shit starts to go down and we meet the main characters.
SPOILERS AHEAD!
I'm just gonna spill it cuz this is the only halfway decent thing that happens in this movie besides some surprisingly competent underwater cinematography - besides having some hot actresses that are horribly underutilized - one BRIEF topless shot is all we get? What happened to real horror movies?!
I mean seriously the one cool effect besides some decent make up is a real bus rolling down a real hill - no one in it which is absolutely ridiculous in the context of the set up but I can understand because there were massively obvious budgetary limitations during the making of this film but that being said unless this was made for under a million these people have no excuse.
And I thought the actors were all pretty decent even - surprising for a movie of this caliber - but they're not given hardly a shred of anything to work with except for the beginning of the film where they're made semi-likable.
I can't believe I'm actually writing this much about this piece of crap but no geek must be misled!
Ok, so the bus crash and a semi-tense moment when the parent of a child one of the girls takes a picture of gets all mad cuz the Brazilians think it's rude to take pictures without permission - spooooooky. NOT.
Then the Touristas find out about a little slice of paradise that is down the beach a little bit - amounting to no more than a bar on a beach for $4 a night - why leave?
Next we see some creepy Main Evil Guy go get a scary looking Indian out of a crack squat to do his evil bidding - but under protest as even the crack head thinks what they're doing is bad.
Cue a montage of a little party at the bar that night where our Touristas are drugged and wake up on the beach the next day with nothing - no shoes, passport, money, NOTHING.
Cut to the only two other gringos that were in paradise, a swedish couple, being carried through the jungle by some savage looking men who stop to smoke crack riverside which just looks WRONG.
Then one of the swedes manages to escape before the ONE, YES COUNT IT ONE TIME IN THE ENTIRE MOVIE THE AUDIENCE REACTED and comes to a surprising end that I won't reveal for no other reason than I know some of you will download and watch this piece of shit anyway.
Mind you I'm still thinking "wow, hard core - this could really be good" but don't get your hopes up kiddies cuz there ain't nothing left after this set up.
Sure, they wander into town looking for the police and believe everyone that tells them to keep walking deeper into the ghetto where they encounter a kid wearing one of their hats and a motorcycle that belonged to the swedes, they chase him and after one of them beams him in the head they are led into the jungle by one of the people that set them up in the first place after telling them that the village is run by the kids father who is the one that stole from them blah blah.
So now our barefoot touristas follow this kid on what is later described as a TEN HOUR hike through the jungle before they finally ask about who would live out in the middle of fucking nowhere with no road no nothing.
Next cue the surprisingly well handled first underwater sequence that goes on too long because the producers knew where their production value was apparently....
The kid almost has a change of heart while leading them to their dooms because one of the girls is so hot - understandable I thought - but then the rest of the group catches up and they continue on.
After a ridiculously contrived accident befalls the kid, they arrive at the house and explore it, finding some scotch, starting the generator and stuff like that.
They find the passports, medicine and canned goods from travelers from all over the world - love how the villains keep all this evidence around but then again they are a ten hour hike from a remote village.
Our Touristas sleep while the one sensible one is looking at the surveillance cameras in the middle of nowhere like they're kinda odd - all of a sudden a helicopter comes and drops off the baddies and you're hoping that this mediocre movie is finally going to move into gear.
Nope, shoulda known better!
From this point on the movie rapidly deteriorates, the audience is clearly bored, there's literally minutes of ridiculous chase scenes that should be on the cutting room floor.
I'm not going to continue the blow by blow because it's too painful to write about something so lame in such detail.
At one point I was so flabbergasted by not just how poor the production had gotten that I turned to the gentleman that was seated next to met and asked 'what happened to that one blonde girl? they haven't shown her for like 5 minutes and she was with everyone - wtf?!'
So chase chase chase, stupid decisions, poorly lit - yes it's the jungle at night but come one, it's not creepy it's just amateur hour now that the sun has gone down.
At one point a character is looking into the surgery room for like 10 beats and not once does it cut to what he is actually looking at or have him reacting much or telling us what he sees and the he's off to go tell the others what these people are really up to - THEY'RE TAKING ORGANS OF TOURISTS AND GIVING THEM TO BRAZILIAN HOSPITALS TO REPAY ALL THE ORGANS THAT HAVE BEEN TAKEN BY RICH GRINGOS.
This is the whole hook of the movie that is somehow supposed to be shocking or something, I don't know.
No drugs except for what they're slipped to be robbed, barely any nudity, no sex at all and one of the most anti-climactic, most drawn out, BORING chase scenes that just goes on and on and on and on - not to mention they go back to their production values - not the hot chicks - NOOOOOOOOOO - they go back to 10 minutes of underwater chase scene!
This may sound like some kinda quirky cool thing but NO - don't be fooled - this has no business in theaters, please let the studios know that just because it's a horror movie with a decent trailer and a low budget that even the die hard fans still require something halfway decent to be entertained, much less find films they can get behind and support.
Most sincerely,
Dax
