It’s like having your nipple licked, bit and sucked upon. Like your ear being bit, licked, then moaned into. That's right, this movie is COCK FERTILIZER cuz mine grew an extra 18 inches and my fiance won't come near me till I calm way the fuck down. TENACIOUS D IN THE PICK OF DESTINY is the legend given form in the shape of the biggest most satisfying, rocking cock on Earth! Or simply… THE GREATEST MOVIE EVER MADE!

Ok – I am sure there’s a lot of hyperbole in the above paragraph, but man… it’s like this, I didn’t want to see it tonight. The trailers have looked like something painfully retarded. It was like the “D” had their balls snip snipped, ya know? It felt like an “also ran” – like the BEE GEES in SGT PEPPERS, ya know? Imitators that wanted to rock, instead only going through the motions.

I know. How could the “D” let us down? They rule from their mighty mountain, but like all the ancient gods of Rock… they had their asstunes too. THIS IS NO ASSTUNE, this shit will blow your brainshit like the most explosively awesome crapper you’ve ever shit before. I’m talking about rocking so hard that your head goes through the contact high and you’ll want to flick on a lighter and nod your head in rhythmic worship. Because this movie kicks so much ass, it’s shoulders above the rest.

If you know your mighty rock opera films, then you’ll see echoes throughout. When you watch this film there’s a chance that you’ll think Ken Russell and Alan Parker… I found myself thinking of Laurel and Hardy, Hope and Crosby, Cheech and Chong and Jake & Elwood Blues. Only – filthier and way the hell more rocking!

I also kept thinking that Kyle Gass reminded me of Moriarty. The same hairline, that same obsession with college aged girls instead of thinking of “THE BAND”. Meanwhile, I with my laser focused mind and dedication to training, I would conquer for the good of “THE BAND”. Of course, I’m sure Moriarty sees it in the exact opposite point of view.

The film tells the origin… no, it lays out the legend with all the subtlety it warrants. Jack Black as J.B. is, of course, perfect. It was like the part was written only for him. And Kyle Gass is one sexy coed hunter. If NEW LINE ever goes through with their MILFHUNTER movie, casting Kyle Gass in the lead would be amazing. Then there’s all the cameos. Ben Stiller’s is the best… his legend of the pick is not to be missed. Though Tim Robbins strange damaged pick hunter is so absurdly bizarre and his last line – a classic.

The other cameos though – I really didn’t catch until I got home and looked em up on IMDB and was like… “Holy Shit – they rocked”

But all of the praise aside, there’s a tale to be told regarding this film. Something… something awesome.

The Argo, my car, for the past three weeks has had its air conditioner broken. Not only that, but the fan was out. Not just that, but the brakes were screaming. We’ve been meaning to take it into the shop, but the last few weeks have been hectic and it will be the other side of Halloween before it makes its scheduled mechanical hospital visit.

Now as I left the wonderful Paramount Theater, Father Geek and I decided to drive through the Campus area – and I noticed that I was really jazzed from the movie. You know that feeling where you begin associating your reality with the awesome vibe you got from a film.

Like flame adorned mud flaps on an old Ford Pinto, or the lightning in the night sky with no rain, or the trippy mushrooms on a campus pizzeria called THE MELLOW MUSHROOM, or the Music Notes and Haight Ashbury trippy flowers on the campus Blockbuster… or coeds in miniskirts screaming and the odd case of the “air music” from other cars being power chords from 70s and 80s metal gods.

We’d just made our way through campus, and we hit 35th and Guadelupe and there were police lights everywhere and in the middle of the intersection was this car. The entire engine block was in the driver’s seat and the doors had been sawed off and whatever being that was in that car, their body (hopefully alive) had been removed. As we sat in front at that long, oddly quiet – red light… and the tow truck was backing up to the wreckage… the light turned green and suddenly… The air conditioning turned on and the brake stopped making it’s loud obnoxious noise. And Dad and I looked at each other, and I said… “That’s the Power of ROCK!” and Dad laughed and said, “That is the POWER OF ROCK!” and we drove home commenting on the goofy healing powers of ROCK and how much that movie made us conscious of the power of ROCK to make the world seem cooler than it is… or maybe, it makes the world exactly as cool as it really is.

Now I don’t think that story has a damn thing to do with the film, but it has everything to do with it. Cuz this movie is all about the awesome power of rock, when wielded by awesome rockers!