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Itchyballs Scratches DOA: DEAD OR ALIVE!!

Merrick again...
Here’s Itchyballs (a condition I had all weekend) with a look at DOA: DEAD OR ALIVE. He says the film is a “guilty pleasure”. In his e-mails to me, Itchyballs, who has reviewed for AICN before, swears he’s not a “plant” – but is instead a movie lover who sometimes becomes overzealous when championing a title. Is that the case this time around? We’ll see… DOA looks a little too Bollian for my tastes. There’s schlock, shameless, exploitative crap (the kind Vern relishes...I like it, too!) – and then there’s…well...charmless insipidness, which is what this FEELS like to me. Maybe this is because we’ve been so roundly pummeled by video game-to-screen adaptations that it’s hard to find any hope. Or, maybe this will simply blow like all the others. There’s a long clip and a newish trailer available HERE . What do you think?
Here’s Itchyballs (somewhere out there in the world, someone would probably get turned on by that line…)
I’m a movie buff from the Philippines, sometimes we get lucky and certain movies get shown here ahead of their U.S. release dates. Most of them are crap but there are times we get lucky. In this case, D.O.A.: Dead Or Alive (talk about re-dun-dun-dant) is a bit of a mixed bag but it flavors more on the sweet than the sour, especially in terms of eye candy. I watched this flick as part of a double feature with my woman (Hey Baby!), the other movie being Flyboys (a cliché of a war pic with some amazing aerial battle scenes). Which was cool ‘cause she can be pretty picky about what she wants to watch (I appreciate the effort though, Hon). It stars such lovely ladies as Jaimie Pressly, Holly Valance, Natassia Malthe, Devon Aoki, Sarah Carter and on the guy side Eric Roberts (who will forever be typecast as the bad guy). Interesting sidenote: Holly, Jaime Pressly and Sarah have all appeared in Entourage (Sarah was the reason that Drama and Turtle “crossed swords” and Holly was the chick that E cheated with while Jaime as herself fooled around with Vince). Cory Yuen (The Transporter) directs from a script by J.F. Lawton (Pretty Woman, what the fuck?!). The movie is based on video game of the same name and is in the vein as such classic fight games like Tekken (my all-time fave!), Mortal Kombat, Street Fighter and so on. Unlike the latter two games, this movie fares better action-wise and probably everything else-wise. Based on the interviews I read they strayed a bit from the game in terms of character but I didn’t really give a shit ‘cause I never played the game. I just wanted to watch it ‘cause I found myself drooling at the trailer. The plot was your standard cookie-cutter fight movie: the best fighters in the world are invited to compete in a secret tournament to win a lot of cash but everyone has each got a secret agenda, yadda yadda yadda. You dying to watch the movie yet? Heh, didn’t think so. The first rule of D.O.A. is: Check your brain at the door. The second rule of D.O.A. is: Bring your hormones! If you’re into flicks with scintillatingly scrumptiously scantily clad babes in cool fight scenes with dashes of humor then this is the movie for you. If not, stay home and watch your Grey’s Anatomy DVD and slobber after Dr. McDreamy for the nth time. It’s a fun flick, no need to think, just enjoy the babes and the fights and you’re good. Cory Yuen’s action scenes are sweet. They’re pretty intense for PG-13, making you feel each punch and they go pretty fast. Yuen directs/edits each fight scene in a way that makes each actor believable as a martial artist. For fans of the game, they can dig on the volleyball game that the girls get into (though the ball looked like it was CGI). The other main draw are the three charismatic leads; Holly, Jaime and Sarah. Holly Valance exudes sex, even just in the way she talks and looks at someone. Jaime comes off as ice cool for a Southern girl (or maybe I’m mistaking that for boredom?) though I prefer her in My Name is Earl. Newbie Sarah Carter is all fun and spunk whose excitement in being in a Hollywood production is a little contagious. Devon and Natassia, unfortunately, take their roles way too seriously and should have had more fun (Too bad, I was hoping would Natassia would have come into her own by now. She stayed in the Philippines for a while, doing a lot of modeling gigs, quite the hottie). I was surprised to find some humorous bits in it as well. The scene where Holly and Jaime are caught in bed together (easy guys, it’s funny more than sexy especially because of who catches them in the “act”) drew some laughs. Jaime draws on her comedic talents again when she’s wooed Pepe Le Pew style by another fighter while the nerd pining over Sarah’s character works to humorous effect as well. D.O.A. comes off as a lighthearted blend of Charlie’s Angels and Kill Bill that doesn’t pretend to be anything more than it is: hot babes fighting each other in style. Watch it in a matinee or rent the DVD but if you keep the above mindset, you’ll be entertained. I consider this flick my guilty pleasure of the year. So there you go. Till next time! If you use this, I remain “Itchyballs”. Thanks!
Thanks for the time and message, Itchy! DOA: DEAD OR ALIVE should arrive Stateside in early December.

Readers Talkback
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  • Oct. 9, 2006, 9:46 p.m. CST

    FIRST!

    by Nesskid

    PLANT.

  • Oct. 9, 2006, 9:48 p.m. CST

    Probably not first

    by UnderRadar

    And I probably wont see this either.

  • Oct. 9, 2006, 9:56 p.m. CST

    Devon Akoi is UburHot

    by DOGSOUP

    but not enough for me to see this. I'll wait for Miho's triumphant return in Sin City 2

  • Oct. 9, 2006, 9:57 p.m. CST

    Check your brain at the door... no, REALLY?

    by BeeDub

    I thought a movie with this title would be a cerebral masterpiece.

  • Oct. 9, 2006, 10:03 p.m. CST

    PLANT!

    by Spaz_Monkey

    (because nobody's said it yet)

  • Oct. 9, 2006, 10:04 p.m. CST

    It's perverted, but

    by Jonesey1111

    the boobs aren't big enough...oh well.

  • Oct. 9, 2006, 10:09 p.m. CST

    Is Ryu Hyabusa in it?

    by Shermdawg

    I hope not, because I don't want anything tainting a possible Ninja Gaiden flick.<br><br>NINJA GAIDEN SIGMA = BADASS

  • Oct. 9, 2006, 10:18 p.m. CST

    DOA the movie = no one gives a rat's ass

    by aeon phoenix

    it looks like mortal kombat meets charlie's angels.

  • Oct. 9, 2006, 10:39 p.m. CST

    Goddamn right!

    by Malebolgia

    who gives? and if you don't enjoy this you're a homo? FUCK YOU! take your bullshit movie back to the phillipines, BITCH!

  • Oct. 9, 2006, 11:02 p.m. CST

    Ooooohh you see Spaz_Monkey

    by Nesskid

    Spaz_Monkey, I said plant first, Sir.

  • Oct. 9, 2006, 11:22 p.m. CST

    No Aussies here to say Vallance is a skanky ho?

    by half vader

    Oh well I guess I'd better. Couldn't parlay her Neighbors stint into a successful singing career (while selling her body) so what next? Hmmm. Just sell my body - before it's too late! Of course!

  • Oct. 9, 2006, 11:22 p.m. CST

    No Aussies here to say Vallance is a skanky ho?

    by half vader

    Oh well I guess I'd better. Couldn't parlay her Neighbors stint into a successful singing career (while selling her body) so what next? Hmmm. Just sell my body - before it's too late! Of course!

  • Oct. 9, 2006, 11:23 p.m. CST

    Sorry. Wacom tablet's a bit twitchy.

    by half vader

    Well it is.

  • Oct. 9, 2006, 11:27 p.m. CST

    Prant!!!

    by Vim Fuego

    Sorry. Cheap shot.

  • Oct. 10, 2006, 12:10 a.m. CST

    Yeah, but are there any tits in this movie?

    by Doc_Strange

    That's all anyone really wants to see. Oh yeah and some choreographed fighting too.

  • Oct. 10, 2006, 12:25 a.m. CST

    Vallance is a skanky ho.

    by Wookie_Weed

    You guys have no taste in women at all. Put a wig on a brown paper bag full of dog turds, and you'll have a better conversation with it than you would with Holly Vallance.

  • Oct. 10, 2006, 12:47 a.m. CST

    This is gonna be nothing but...

    by LeiaDown&FuckHer

    A white trash version of Charlies Angels, nothing but poorly implemented cocktease, wink-wink so called acting, and lamely staged action sequences. No thanks.

  • Oct. 10, 2006, 1:08 a.m. CST

    Shermdawg, about Ryu...

    by photoboy

    It's my understanding that the plot for DOA is that Ryu has been murdered and Kasumi is after the murderer. Yeah, like anyone could kill Ryu. I think this film will be complete shit, and without any nudity there's nothing to recommend it.

  • Oct. 10, 2006, 1:47 a.m. CST

    Killed Ryu? Lies

    by ZuIsIdle

    The film came out in the UK about a month ago. It is about as brainless as you can get, but oddly, unlike Bolls efforts, it is mostly harmless fun. As or Ryu being killed, not true. Hayate leaves Ninja Village to enter DOA and goes missing. Kasumi escapes to go find him, Ryu goes to protect Kasumi and Ayane goes to kill her.

  • Oct. 10, 2006, 2:03 a.m. CST

    Lol

    by SG7

    "Based on the interviews I read they strayed a bit from the game in terms of character" LOL. Again I say: LOL. If by characters you mean: jiggly bits, then maybe you have something.

  • Oct. 10, 2006, 3:45 a.m. CST

    did you say charlies angels!?! =D

    by satansteve

    thankyou, you've just saved me an hour and a half. when anything gets compared to charlies angels i instantly know to avoid it like the fucking plague. thank you.

  • Oct. 10, 2006, 4:02 a.m. CST

    Huge fan of the game...

    by trashcanman345

    ...but this looks like the worst video game adaptation this side of Bloodrayne; and that one at least had nekkid boobies and Meatloaf to recommend it. Not to mention the genius comedic decision to have Michelle Rodriguez speak in an english accent. Still snickering every time I think of it. Anyhow, as I was saying, Dead or Alive: as someone who genuinely loves the games -the kickass ones, NOT the lame volleyball one- for much more than the ridiculous hotness of the female fighters (little known DOA fact: there are actually several badass MALE fighters to choose from as well!) the trailer made me want to hurt the ones who made this movie happen. Devon, how could you?! Miho must not be degraded to a movie this shitty! Seppuku is the only honorable way to atone for this atrocity... but not until Sin City 2 wraps. The story of DOA is actually pretty awesome and would make an incredible anime series, but as a live action film it will make Street Fighter look like Pulp Fiction.

  • Oct. 10, 2006, 4:10 a.m. CST

    already out in the UK. and nobody cares

    by Babyshamble

    oh and Holly Valance is indeed a skanky ho.

  • Oct. 10, 2006, 8:15 a.m. CST

    I care!

    by Reelheed

    As this d.o.a. p.o.s. is taking up valuable screens in my local cinema whilst 'Zidane' is nowhere to be seen!

  • Oct. 10, 2006, 8:38 a.m. CST

    Just Watch It For the Eye Candy!!

    by kalel6000

    Yo, even if Holly Valance is a skanky ho, she's one i'd like to get busy with. Ditto with the other honeys in the movie!

  • Oct. 10, 2006, 9:09 a.m. CST

    Prolly one of the greatest movies ever

    by godzillasushi

    Gotcha!

  • Oct. 10, 2006, 11:01 a.m. CST

    HOW DO YOU SAY PLANT IN PHILIPPINO?

    by artgutser

    ERES UNA PLANTA

  • Oct. 10, 2006, 11:47 a.m. CST

    The whole movie is up on you tube

    by tHEmOOG

    just look for it

  • Oct. 10, 2006, 12:40 p.m. CST

    Why is Tina doing some Asian martial arts?

    by ZeroCorpse

    She's a Pro Wrestler. In the game, all her moves reflect that. Who was the fight choreographer, and did he never play the game? This is just Mortal Kombat without monsters. Bleh.

  • Oct. 10, 2006, 1:02 p.m. CST

    Could it be a plant?

    by DocPazuzu

    "Newbie Sarah Carter is all fun and spunk whose excitement in being in a Hollywood production is a little contagious.".... FUCK OFF!!!!

  • Oct. 10, 2006, 1:36 p.m. CST

    Check Your Brain At The Door...

    by JonQuixote

    ...is the worst endorsement I think a movie can get. The only thing I need to do to like this movie is be stupid? Sold!

  • Oct. 10, 2006, 2:58 p.m. CST

    Could have been a B movie rather than a D movie

    by LordSoth

    I'm sick and tired of adaptations completely ignoring the material they're adapting. DOA is so simple, it boggles the mind that they did't bother to try to get it right.

  • Oct. 10, 2006, 3:22 p.m. CST

    Get it right? The games were stupid.

    by Novaman5000

    Looks like the movie is stupid. I'd say this one was "got". The game's stories were lame, (though the fighting was fun) and the volleyball game... seriously? Did any normal person play this? This was a stupid franchise to try and adapt... They only did it so they could get cash from horny teenager boys drooling all over the jiggling breasts in every frame. [Does anyone remember: In the 2nd game you could even control how much they jiggled!!!]

  • Oct. 10, 2006, 4:33 p.m. CST

    Just in time for Oscar season

    by George Newman

    i've got nothing else

  • Oct. 10, 2006, 4:33 p.m. CST

    Just in time for Oscar season

    by George Newman

    i've got nothing else

  • Oct. 10, 2006, 5:22 p.m. CST

    By the Transporter guy huh?

    by Johnno

    Well those films did entertain me... but will DOA have action as entertaining as that flic? For some reason I just don't buy those women kicking ass, except for Devon Aoki, unless that is, they're kicking each other's asses...

  • Oct. 10, 2006, 5:43 p.m. CST

    best volleyball movie ever was sideout

    by reckni

    really brought a shame on my sport, i'm sure this will be no different. i'll admit, my favorite thing about volleyball are the sluts.

  • Oct. 10, 2006, 5:52 p.m. CST

    Worthless!

    by alienindisguise

    If I wanna watch hot chicks, I'll watch porn. The doa games were button mashing crapfests and this movie should have never been made.

  • Oct. 10, 2006, 6:35 p.m. CST

    doa films should be hardcore porns

    by Bob C. Cock

    i think it would sell better on dvd.

  • Oct. 10, 2006, 9:28 p.m. CST

    Devon Aoki

    by Power_Girl

    I saw this two weeks ago. Its fun if you see it with friends.

  • Oct. 11, 2006, 2:06 a.m. CST

    download it already

    by hellnback

    man you can download this movie already using torrents since it has been released in several places overseas theatrically. seen it and i must say it sux. sux big time. only thing it has for it is the tna.

  • June 18, 2007, 11:10 a.m. CST

    D.O.A.

    by rdunaway1

    I HAD THIS MOVIE ONCE ... LOOKING TO DOWNLOAD IT AGAIN ... WHERE ?