Sept. 25, 2006, 5:47 p.m. CST
i though robert englund had a bigger part in this. i mean i'll still see it, but i'll be a little bitter . . .
Sept. 25, 2006, 5:55 p.m. CST
by Jason Eisener
it just does
Sept. 25, 2006, 5:58 p.m. CST
1 min, 2 min, 10 min. I don't care. Hide me away. How many will wrongfully claim?
Sept. 25, 2006, 6:17 p.m. CST
beware the posting delay
Sept. 25, 2006, 6:22 p.m. CST
I hope you guys are able to do that again. It's a neat 'gimmick'(in a good way) I liked the feeling I got from this blurb.
Sept. 25, 2006, 6:26 p.m. CST
Sept. 25, 2006, 6:49 p.m. CST
by future help
Sept. 25, 2006, 6:49 p.m. CST
reads like a transcript of a phone sex session..
Sept. 25, 2006, 7:04 p.m. CST
as usual, Harry is creating a cinematic masterpiece out of a b-film and setting up readers for a letdown. I've seen Hatchet. I enjoyed Hatchet. It's a fun little throwback to old school 80s horror flicks...I'll say this about it: it's not refrencing 80s horror movies. It IS an 80s horror movie. And that's where it's charm lies. Go see it with a bunch of friends, sneak a few beers into the theater- you'll have fun.
Sept. 25, 2006, 7:53 p.m. CST
Then you KNOW it's awesome!
Sept. 25, 2006, 9:16 p.m. CST
by i eat cannibals
This movie sucks ass. The jokes were stupid, the monster retarded, the swamp lame. This is the same web site that ripped into Malevolence, saying it's a bad 80's rip off. This is a straight to video release. I can't believe people like this movie. Let's show tits and have someone's head chopped off. That is so freaking orginal. What a piece of junk.
Sept. 25, 2006, 9:50 p.m. CST
If you have Comcast. It's on the INHD channel at 11PM and repeating through out the rest of the week. Medusa! Two Headed wolf! The Kraken! It doesn't get any better! The Kraken was set free on Robot Chicken, haha! That was funny.
Sept. 25, 2006, 11:08 p.m. CST
This was around my 5th or 6th time I've seen the film and just wanted to give y'all a feeling of how HATCHET is playing at Fantastic Fest. It's pure adrenaline horror film junkie vibe. BTW - I have more money to my name than Adam Green, he couldn't pay me.
Sept. 25, 2006, 11:15 p.m. CST
I brought sexy back to avoid late fees.
Sept. 26, 2006, 12:06 a.m. CST
by georges garvaren
I would just so I can see what a lame swamp looks like. Must be fasinating! And Josh Hakian is involved which means sexy-blood-spray-osity, so Im in. Ffisherman Knowles hooks another.
Sept. 26, 2006, 2:57 a.m. CST
this film is awesome, i havent had so fun fun in a theater since.....well lets not get into it, i eat cannibals i thought the jokes very pretty much on the ball for the most part, and the gore, John Carl Buechler (the master) did a fine job, I think i may have to stop posting on here as there are to many haters up in this bitch, we are you all so negative, this is a splatter masterpiece, cheap, fun, and dripping with grue.
Sept. 26, 2006, 4:21 a.m. CST
Um, on second thought, you can keep it. It's kinda sticky. And "Hatchet" is the second coming of horror. No wait, "Hostel" is. No, it was "TCM: The Beginning." And "V for Vendetta" is the final word in dystopian cinema. If you don't count "Children of Men," which is THE final word in dystopian cinema.
Sept. 26, 2006, 6:22 a.m. CST
Do not even try to bring sexy back.
Sept. 26, 2006, 7:33 a.m. CST
I agree that the review was a little premature, but it is a fun movie.
Sept. 26, 2006, 7:50 a.m. CST
Although the reporter made it sound more like "ankle.com"...fabulous. They actually mentioned Fantastic Fest during the story on Apocalypto ... with that and the Facebook CEO interview, this was actually a 30-mile commute I didn't mind as much. But meh ^_^
Sept. 26, 2006, 11:58 a.m. CST
I just saw "Hatchet" at the Tribeca Film Festival, the one and only film I've seen this year for the reason that I'm not that interested in 1) documentaries about quirky subjects or 2) character dramas. Hatchet bills itself as not being a remake, not being a sequel, and not having anything to do with Japanese horror. More importantly, it claims to have its origins in the slasher horror cinema of the 70's and 80's. It is also the debut feature film for writer/director Adam Green. Look, I don't want to shit on some first time director's efforts, especially when he harkens from Boston and throws a Newbury Comics t-shirt on the main character. But during the Q&A following the film, Green said he hoped that he hadn't just made another knock-off horror flick, and that a lot of heart went into it and he hoped it showed. There was a sense of that, yes - but ultimately, the main thing you walk away with is thinking that it really is just another knock-off horror flick, with about as much originality as if he had put a hockey mask on his killer. Before I can even write a review, though, I have to say that Green has gone the really tired route (unintentionally, to his credit) of putting a protective shield around his film. It's supposed to be a direct offspring of the Halloween-type flicks, so that means that anything he does within the standards of these types of films not only means he did a good job, but also means that that it frees his film from criticism, as if the standard cannot be questioned. In terms of "good" and "bad" movie on general movie terms (i.e. forget the tagline that this is an 80's horror flick) Hatchet is a bad, bad movie, and I don't think Adam Green would disagree with me there. Everything is totally derivative, and I don't just mean obscure horror references to Exorcist 3 (with some exceptions, which I'll get to momentarily). It was basically a mid-90's teen slasher flick set in New Orleans and the surrounding swamps. NOT mid-80's as some of would've loved. What I guess he doesn't realize is that people don't make these movies anymore because horror movies have moved on. In a generally bad direction granted, but you can't remake this old stuff without doing something new, anymore than you could remake the old monster movies of the 1930's, or sci-fi atom movies of the 1950's. I mean, yeah, it sucks that we don't have movies like Karloff's Frankenstein, but if you're going to remake it, it's going to be like the Robert De Niro version, with a lot more character and subtext. Even if you attempted a film like the original, ala Psycho, it would at best be a novelty. As is always the case, people have just moved on in their tastes. Ultimately, we all think back to the first time we saw Friday the 13th or A Nightmare on Elm Street, and the thrill we got from it - and some of us want to feel that thrill again. But it is fucking ignorant to think that thrill will come from doing the same old thing that was done into the dirt until it was rejected by the movie-going audience. There's a reason people in the 80's stopped seeing these things. Hatchet is the story of how a group of strangers on a haunted boat tour on the bayou are menaced by an unstoppable supernatural killer. One by one, each of them is killed off as they struggle to escape. When I first heard about this, I was totally into it. I thought it was going to be so fucking cool. New Orleans lends itself to such a great, exotic backdrop. Instead, it turns out to be just dumb stupid plotless horror dreck with some awesome gore. This movie very rarely feels like a 70's horror flick to me. The characters are all modern day characters, meaning that they're a lot more self aware than the totally inward thinking late 70's, 80's horror movie victims. And because they're more self aware, the story is wholly more unbelievable and over the top. We're just waiting for them to start picking apart the situation, Scream-style, but they don't (Adam Green wanted to hold back on this, making it feel all the more artificial). Also, the characters are totally obnoxious and unlikable, which I guess does harken back to the old slasher films. I never get this - I'd totally dig a movie where I liked each and every one of the characters. Then, when they got killed, it'd be SO much more painful to watch. In this movie, the main character just lost his girlfriend and has insisted on going on this haunted swamp with his buddy, the black guy. The Main Character is dopey and bashful and should be funny but generally is not. The Black Guy is one of those movie black guys who is always talking in a high pitched when he is scared and asking a lot of questions like "WHY AM I HERE TO BEGIN WITH?" "WHERE ARE WE GOING TO GO?!" "WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO NOW?!" Because of his constant whining and general smug attitude, he's totally not funny. Man, I keep trying to write the rest of this review, and I keep having to stop because its badness is overwhelming. Look, I know this wasn't supposed to be a good movie. But that's no defense. Even in terms of "bad," it's more "boring" bad than entertaining bad, which is one of the biggest movie sins you can commit in my book. The cinematography blows cock - I would've loved to see New Orleans, and all the shots were completely out of focus, or were in tight close-ups or medium shots. Same goes for the swamp - I really wanted to feel the swamp for what it was - a fucking endless jungle. Instead, it's all close-ups that make it feel claustrophic, which is completely the wrong thing you want to go for. It's scary cuz there are so many places to hide. The lighting was terrible. My favorite part is when they're all worried about seeing in the dark, despite the fact that the massive overhead flood light is basically turning everyone, including the black guy, white. The music score was completely and utterly out of place. I asked Adam about it, and he told me that he specifically told the composer to go with "Jurassic Park over Friday the 13th." One of the stupidest fucking moves of the film, brother. You want to hear hick music. You want to hear Deliverance guitars. Instead, you hear a John Williams score that simply does not match up with night shots clearly lit with a single light on a crane. Scares? There were one or two REALLY GOOD ONES, and I'm not being sarcastic. I was totally impressed, and they were the few rare moments of originality. The rest of the scares were TOTALLY caused by sudden musical jolts, which is totally lame. Oh wait - that's how they did it back in the 70's and 80's (er, without a John Williams score, but let's just overlook that). The theater I was in CRANKED the sound louder than the time I saw the Star Wars rerelease way back when, and that was fucking loud. So when a sudden music jolt came along, the whole theater shook. Real talent, that. The dialogue was totally lame. A whole bunch of jokes fell totally flat. The black guy's lines were bad. Everyone came off as annoying as fuck, save for the mysterious female lead. Even the two ditzy porno chicks who are supposed to be stupid - their lines are simply abysmal. You can make anyone say stupid things in a film. What is difficult is getting them to say clever stupid things - i.e. the type of dialogue you quote. To build on it, you have two stupid girls arguing about who is stupider, and sometimes the humor of it gets lost in the arguing. The main killer looks like the brother of Sloth from the Goonies. We see him right away, so there's no major suprise there. Fair enough, even though we didn't see most of those 70's killers till the end (but let's ignore that too). The gore was very, very very well done, and is clearly where all the money was sunk. I was impressed by just about every killing, from heads being twisted off to chainsaws in the face (the victim still alive for a few moments after was priceless). I sorta wish the money had been spent in other areas though. I sort of felt bad for Adam though when the Fangoria nuts in the audience were jizzing in their pants over it. Sort of makes you uncomfortable to chill with dudes who are still so into that post teen years. Here's what it comes down to, I think: when the original horror guys from the 70's and 80's were writing those films, I don't think they had any self-awareness about what they were doing whatsoever. I think they thought what they were doing was good. Or would sell tickets. I don't think they slowed down for a second when writing a line like "Maybe we should split up." It's 20 years later, and you know what? You should think twice before writing that line. Because it's time to see what happens to the group when they all stick together. You can still make a slasher horror film with the unstoppable monster, and honestly, the fact that we're living in an age that demands a certain level of realism from cinema, this just gives you the opportunity to make it all the more scarier. Tarantino, more or less, does exactly this. He gives us the old, reinvented with newer sensibilities yet still remaining true to the old. And just like he did with gangster films and kung fu movies (and my still favorite movie of the year, Brick, did with film noir), it is totally possible with slasher flicks. Oh, I thought the main female lead was great and very talented. Very, very talented. I hope she goes far. And finally, Adam, the biggest compliment I can give you is: congratulations on getting into the Tribeca Film Festival. This review is scattered, and that's only cuz it's about 2am and I'm exhausted and this movie sucked beyond comprehension.
Sept. 26, 2006, 2:06 p.m. CST
I'm so glad you wrote this review. I completely agree with it. Good job!
Sept. 30, 2006, 5:18 p.m. CST
by Nightmare On My Street
Hatchet won best picture at Fantastic Fest as well as best actor and best special effects. That must really make you mad, huh 3rd rate? Clearly you couldn't be more wrong, jaded, and jealous in your silly and horribly written tirade up top. Hate on this movie all you want. In Texas, we (the audience) have spoken so go ahead and try and accuse the critics of being "paid off" you sad, sad loser. Looks like Harry was dead on in his review and I couldn't agree with it more as I was there. 3rdrate, I suggest you kill yourself for even having the time to write such a stupid comment above. Did that take you 4 hours? It must be hell to live such a miserable life. Congrats to the cast of Hatchet! Can't wait for the release! 3rdrate...I hope this news makes you even more frustrated with your petty existance. I hope you kill yourself.
Oct. 2, 2006, 12:27 p.m. CST
by Nightmare On My Street