Home Cool News Coaxial Reviews Zone Chat Contact Us Sign in

THE BLACK DAHLIA turned on Harry!!!

I love Brian De Palma films.

Why?

Because Brian De Palma makes movies that speak to my penis. They make me hard. They always have. I know that’s not the typical intellectual analysis of a film critic, but it is true. His films turn me on. I’d love to see Bertolucci and De Palma in a show down to prove who could make the most sensual film ever made. And then, for the rest of their careers – they just compete – both having a new film ready for the showdown in Cannes, each year for the rest of their lives.

De Palma understands the insanity that a beautiful woman can place in a man. The obsessive compulsive disorder to possess that woman. To taste her and call her your own. With this film, Brian De Palma sets out to explore the great film noir sub-genre of “I can’t get that Dead Woman Out Of My Head.”

The film, this most bears a resemblance to, in theme, is Otto Preminger’s LAURA. Gene Tierney played the titular obsession for Dana Andrews’ Detective. However, every other character in the film is obsessive and distressed about Laura. And it is easy to see why. Gene Tierney is one of the yummiest ladies to ever grace the shadow and light of Noir.

Then there’s Hitchcock’s brilliant VERTIGO – where James Stewart becomes obsessed with Kim Novak. I like this film less than LAURA, only because Gene Tierney is infinitely hotter than Kim Novak – although for score, cinema and performances – this is the definitive dead girl obsession flick.

Hitch put the most amazing twist on the genre with PSYCHO – where a boy obsesses over his own dead mother, who then compels him to kill any one that causes his peter to twitch. Mother, as she appears in the film, not so hot.

Then – twice before Brian De Palma has visited the Dead Girl well. First with OBSESSION, his take on VERTIGO, but with a very very wonderfully fucked up twist. And then again with BODY DOUBLE, where he added a REAR WINDOW twist – which technically is an obsession with a dead girl head film, not a whole dead girl.

So – how’d I like DePalma’s adaptation of James Ellroy’s BLACK DAHLIA?

Well – I wanted to love it so much. I had all the above in my head prior to the film. I’m familiar with the case, Ellroy’s fictional account novel – and I was ready and rearing to write a love letter to DePalma tonight.

But then I saw the film.

Brian makes 3 types of movies.

Films that I unabashedly love: SISTERS, PHANTOM OF THE PARADISE, OBSESSION, CARRIE, THE FURY, DRESSED TO KILL, BLOW OUT, SCARFACE, BODY DOUBLE, THE UNTOUCHABLES, CASUALTIES OF WAR, CARLITO’S WAY, MISSION IMPOSSIBLE and FEMME FATALE.

Films that just absolutely don’t work for me and I hate as a result: WISE GUYS and THE BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES.

And the last category, Watchable messes that I appreciate, that have their moments and mostly work, but that just end up like a beached whale that you want to blow up, but you saw that video where they did that and you realize… just leave it be… These are: RAISING CAIN, SNAKE EYES, MISSION TO MARS… and sadly… THE BLACK DAHLIA.

All four of these De Palma films have long sequences that work. There’s moments that make you love being a De Palma fan, but then there’s points where you just put your head in your hand and you just shake your head, because your girlfriend misspelled GIRAFFE in front of a large audience during a magic trick. It just becomes Embarrassing.

In BLACK DAHLIA – the film consulted my penis with Scarlett Johansson, Hilary Swank, Mia Kirshner, Rachel Miner, Rose McGowan and a whole legion of lesbian chorales. The film delighted me with De Palma alums like Gregg Henry and William Finley. With the second most badass Mary Philbin film ever. I loved the pugilist detectives named Mr Fire and Mr Ice. I loved their boxing match, I loved the flying teeth, I loved the set up…

Then when Hartnett ends up at a rich dinner and Eckhart starts hopping on the Benzedrine buzzing b’s… well it starts heading over the edge towards a crash and burn. Then – when Hartnett is in the midst of two lengthy exposition scenes where the bad guys and gals feel it necessary to explain why they did what they did and how they did it, and that they would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that pesky kid with the badge… I just found myself going… THIS IS FUCKING CLUMSY BULLSHIT.

I just really came away like someone punched me between the shoulder blades. It was a mess. In the end, it was just a clumsy shoddy clusterfuck. But – there was so much to like, but that just makes the corn kernels you pick out of your mouth after the film shits in it… that much more annoying. WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?!

Sigh. I’ll hold on to Kirshner’s corpse and sad lesbian scary dildo film, to THE FIGHT, to Eckhart’s magnificent form on his dive, to the Lesbian club of my dreams, to Scarlett with a robe open at the top of the stairs. To a crazy German father’s delighted face at his wooden plane model, to the opening shoot-out that leads to the Dahlia. And lastly – to the lecherous look of William Finley pawing Kirshner and the smile she gives him.

I’ll next catch this on DVD – and with the passage of time… maybe the disappointment will fade – but for now, I’m sad. I so wanted to love this. I really really did. Oh well.

AddThis Social Bookmark Button
Click for previous story Talk Back More on this story Click for next story

User login


Reader Talkback

Fuckin funny review
by 7Cal
Sep 16th, 2006
02:33:10 AM
Also forgot to add
by 7Cal
Sep 16th, 2006
02:35:22 AM
Well, that opening title / paragraph was creepy as hell
by TallBoy66
Sep 16th, 2006
02:45:54 AM
wow Harry
by axemurder
Sep 16th, 2006
03:06:05 AM
Femme Fatale
by Bungion Boy
Sep 16th, 2006
04:28:20 AM
The film sucks in part due to Hartnett being cast
by Doc_Strange
Sep 16th, 2006
04:30:22 AM
Miscast and poorly written
by vhsiv
Sep 16th, 2006
04:39:25 AM
Harry, you write like a 15 year old hillbilly...
by Bob Cryptonight
Sep 16th, 2006
04:48:39 AM
SPOILER WARNING, ASSCLOWN!
by BannedOnTheRun
Sep 16th, 2006
04:53:04 AM
I agree with Harry.
by I am a machineee
Sep 16th, 2006
04:53:22 AM
P.S. Stop the presses!
by BannedOnTheRun
Sep 16th, 2006
04:55:41 AM
In the end...
by just_hamish
Sep 16th, 2006
05:18:43 AM
Harold. Rewrite this thing.
by TomBodet
Sep 16th, 2006
06:04:55 AM
Mia Kirshner is the Sex
by DOGSOUP
Sep 16th, 2006
06:20:22 AM
I stopped reading
by deanamatronix
Sep 16th, 2006
06:32:00 AM
Wait for it... Wait for it...
by MonkeyBytes
Sep 16th, 2006
06:44:12 AM
Harry
by NudeandAroused
Sep 16th, 2006
06:59:38 AM
Harry, put down that fork...
by Bubba Gillman
Sep 16th, 2006
07:32:10 AM
This movie is TERRIBLE!
by Darth Sticky
Sep 16th, 2006
07:38:34 AM
Well, it's unanimous then...
by DanielKurland
Sep 16th, 2006
08:34:39 AM
Harry didn't love a movie!!!???
by Jonesey1111
Sep 16th, 2006
10:05:13 AM
These opening sentences reminded me of Owen's EW review
by KennyKilo
Sep 16th, 2006
10:15:27 AM
Not everything can be a Texas Chainsaw Massacre rehash.
by Nate Champion
Sep 16th, 2006
10:59:06 AM
i have the retard tingles
by occula
Sep 16th, 2006
12:15:06 PM
This review is terrible.
by Wololo
Sep 16th, 2006
02:55:26 PM
Sometimes the Talkback works...
by ScarranHalfBreed
Sep 16th, 2006
03:25:20 PM
I saw it
by Roy Neary
Sep 16th, 2006
04:18:56 PM
It's a trainwreck
by John Dalmas
Sep 16th, 2006
04:36:11 PM
It's not just the last half hour either...
by John Dalmas
Sep 16th, 2006
04:43:21 PM
What does this mean?
by Mgmax
Sep 16th, 2006
04:58:32 PM
One day Harry will write a review free of spoilers...
by FilmCritic3000
Sep 16th, 2006
05:45:36 PM
new sonic warriors episode
by doctoremittbrown
Sep 16th, 2006
05:49:04 PM
what the fuck
by Holodigm
Sep 17th, 2006
12:23:59 AM
saw it earlier tonight
by movieman742
Sep 17th, 2006
12:49:45 AM
Someone actually LIKED FEMME FATALE?
by Frgl_Rockatansky
Sep 17th, 2006
05:13:10 AM
Oh, and one other thing...
by Frgl_Rockatansky
Sep 17th, 2006
05:17:57 AM
No, it really doesn't.
by auraboy
Sep 17th, 2006
08:47:09 AM
.....
by The Ender
Sep 17th, 2006
01:17:36 PM
Harry + DePalma + Viagra...
by Colonel Kane
Sep 17th, 2006
06:08:22 PM
I *WOULD* agree with Harry
by The Funketeer
Sep 17th, 2006
08:07:25 PM
how 'bout a heads up on the TB delay
by thebearovingian
Sep 17th, 2006
08:33:27 PM
Too Soon!
by Bob of the Shire
Sep 17th, 2006
09:44:24 PM
you mention McGowan and not Jemima Rooper?
by lynxpro
Sep 17th, 2006
10:39:02 PM
It's like a Rated R Law and Order in the 30s
by antonphd
Sep 17th, 2006
10:41:36 PM
DOGSOUP, no, Rooper was THE SEX...
by lynxpro
Sep 17th, 2006
10:46:29 PM
as for Snake Eyes...
by lynxpro
Sep 17th, 2006
10:50:31 PM
The Ending
by antonphd
Sep 17th, 2006
10:52:18 PM
Josh Harnett
by antonphd
Sep 17th, 2006
11:00:02 PM
What were all these otherwise talented people thinking
by JacksParasites
Sep 17th, 2006
11:18:32 PM
Easy on the eyes
by Colonel Kane
Sep 17th, 2006
11:27:31 PM
THIS MOVIE SUCKED! WASTE OF 10 BUCKS!
by Jon E Cin
Sep 18th, 2006
03:50:54 AM
oh..out of the 6 people that walked out
by Jon E Cin
Sep 18th, 2006
03:57:50 AM
chickychow, you're hired
by BannedOnTheRun
Sep 18th, 2006
04:27:48 AM
P.S. Whatever happened to Mr. Beaks?
by BannedOnTheRun
Sep 18th, 2006
04:40:23 AM
P.P.S. Nevermind
by BannedOnTheRun
Sep 18th, 2006
04:44:29 AM
P.P.P.S. Really good interview
by BannedOnTheRun
Sep 18th, 2006
05:00:54 AM
The last thing I wanted...
by sopranopants
Sep 18th, 2006
06:11:58 AM
What a Dick!!!
by Pavster
Sep 18th, 2006
07:20:15 AM
Harry hated it
by Lost Prophet
Sep 18th, 2006
08:22:55 AM
I liked it
by Buffalo500
Sep 18th, 2006
08:27:53 AM
I liked it
by Buffalo500
Sep 18th, 2006
08:29:43 AM
CONGRATULATIONS HARRY!!!!!
by Kapowski
Sep 18th, 2006
12:14:12 PM
Harry, Harry, Harry...
by YackBacker
Sep 18th, 2006
12:17:11 PM
A major disappointment
by Dickie Greenleaf
Sep 18th, 2006
12:48:48 PM
they're so SENSUAL!!!
by Bob C. Cock
Sep 18th, 2006
02:09:40 PM
I have only seen two depalma films
by emeraldboy
Sep 18th, 2006
03:20:39 PM
emeraldboy
by The Funketeer
Sep 18th, 2006
10:33:38 PM
Well, sure, but does your penis talk BACK to the movie?
by GreatWhiteNoise
Sep 19th, 2006
02:26:34 AM
Have you got some new ones then Brokeback
by Lost Prophet
Sep 19th, 2006
03:34:11 AM
Dickie Greenleaf
by antonphd
Sep 19th, 2006
05:52:02 AM
Dickie Greenleaf 2: Electric Boogaloo
by BannedOnTheRun
Sep 19th, 2006
07:38:09 AM
Mia Kirschner makes my penis hard too
by JackDonkey
Sep 19th, 2006
12:41:42 PM
Don't tease me, please me
by Rupee88
Sep 19th, 2006
07:34:12 PM
How did the same guy make Scarface AND Mission to Mars
by Rupee88
Sep 19th, 2006
07:35:57 PM
Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid was a more convincing Noir...
by pokadoo
Sep 20th, 2006
03:42:12 PM
It's amazing, just COMPLICATED
by CdM
Sep 21st, 2006
10:30:14 AM
Is this film...
by Melian
Sep 21st, 2006
04:49:55 PM
the movie was good, not great, but pretty good
by deadlegend
Sep 21st, 2006
08:28:10 PM
THE BLACK DAHLIA
by hkong42
Sep 22nd, 2006
08:23:05 PM
The Talented Mr. Greenleaf.
by WONKABAR
Sep 24th, 2006
12:58:52 AM
Harry's right, De Palma makes you horny
by hippolyta
Sep 24th, 2006
04:03:22 PM
Ah, Mr DePalma's work...
by StephenG
Oct 16th, 2006
09:21:37 AM
Worst adaptation EVER!
by Spandau Belly
Dec 27th, 2006
01:50:42 PM
.............crickets chirping.
by jarjarsdeathrattle
Feb 4th, 2007
12:42:05 AM
This film wasn't altogether bad...
by The_Jack_Sack
Feb 5th, 2007
12:16:22 PM

Quick Talkback

Please login to post talkback.