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THE BLACK DAHLIA turned on Harry!!!
SPOILER ALERT !!
I love Brian De Palma films.
Why?
Because Brian De Palma makes movies that speak to my penis. They make me hard. They always have. I know that’s not the typical intellectual analysis of a film critic, but it is true. His films turn me on. I’d love to see Bertolucci and De Palma in a show down to prove who could make the most sensual film ever made. And then, for the rest of their careers – they just compete – both having a new film ready for the showdown in Cannes, each year for the rest of their lives.
De Palma understands the insanity that a beautiful woman can place in a man. The obsessive compulsive disorder to possess that woman. To taste her and call her your own. With this film, Brian De Palma sets out to explore the great film noir sub-genre of “I can’t get that Dead Woman Out Of My Head.”
The film, this most bears a resemblance to, in theme, is Otto Preminger’s LAURA. Gene Tierney played the titular obsession for Dana Andrews’ Detective. However, every other character in the film is obsessive and distressed about Laura. And it is easy to see why. Gene Tierney is one of the yummiest ladies to ever grace the shadow and light of Noir.
Then there’s Hitchcock’s brilliant VERTIGO – where James Stewart becomes obsessed with Kim Novak. I like this film less than LAURA, only because Gene Tierney is infinitely hotter than Kim Novak – although for score, cinema and performances – this is the definitive dead girl obsession flick.
Hitch put the most amazing twist on the genre with PSYCHO – where a boy obsesses over his own dead mother, who then compels him to kill any one that causes his peter to twitch. Mother, as she appears in the film, not so hot.
Then – twice before Brian De Palma has visited the Dead Girl well. First with OBSESSION, his take on VERTIGO, but with a very very wonderfully fucked up twist. And then again with BODY DOUBLE, where he added a REAR WINDOW twist – which technically is an obsession with a dead girl head film, not a whole dead girl.
So – how’d I like DePalma’s adaptation of James Ellroy’s BLACK DAHLIA?
Well – I wanted to love it so much. I had all the above in my head prior to the film. I’m familiar with the case, Ellroy’s fictional account novel – and I was ready and rearing to write a love letter to DePalma tonight.
But then I saw the film.
Brian makes 3 types of movies.
Films that I unabashedly love: SISTERS, PHANTOM OF THE PARADISE, OBSESSION, CARRIE, THE FURY, DRESSED TO KILL, BLOW OUT, SCARFACE, BODY DOUBLE, THE UNTOUCHABLES, CASUALTIES OF WAR, CARLITO’S WAY, MISSION IMPOSSIBLE and FEMME FATALE.
Films that just absolutely don’t work for me and I hate as a result: WISE GUYS and THE BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES.
And the last category, Watchable messes that I appreciate, that have their moments and mostly work, but that just end up like a beached whale that you want to blow up, but you saw that video where they did that and you realize… just leave it be… These are: RAISING CAIN, SNAKE EYES, MISSION TO MARS… and sadly… THE BLACK DAHLIA.
All four of these De Palma films have long sequences that work. There’s moments that make you love being a De Palma fan, but then there’s points where you just put your head in your hand and you just shake your head, because your girlfriend misspelled GIRAFFE in front of a large audience during a magic trick. It just becomes Embarrassing.
In BLACK DAHLIA – the film consulted my penis with Scarlett Johansson, Hilary Swank, Mia Kirshner, Rachel Miner, Rose McGowan and a whole legion of lesbian chorales. The film delighted me with De Palma alums like Gregg Henry and William Finley. With the second most badass Mary Philbin film ever. I loved the pugilist detectives named Mr Fire and Mr Ice. I loved their boxing match, I loved the flying teeth, I loved the set up…
Then when Hartnett ends up at a rich dinner and Eckhart starts hopping on the Benzedrine buzzing b’s… well it starts heading over the edge towards a crash and burn. Then – when Hartnett is in the midst of two lengthy exposition scenes where the bad guys and gals feel it necessary to explain why they did what they did and how they did it, and that they would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that pesky kid with the badge… I just found myself going… THIS IS FUCKING CLUMSY BULLSHIT.
I just really came away like someone punched me between the shoulder blades. It was a mess. In the end, it was just a clumsy shoddy clusterfuck. But – there was so much to like, but that just makes the corn kernels you pick out of your mouth after the film shits in it… that much more annoying. WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?!
Sigh. I’ll hold on to Kirshner’s corpse and sad lesbian scary dildo film, to THE FIGHT, to Eckhart’s magnificent form on his dive, to the Lesbian club of my dreams, to Scarlett with a robe open at the top of the stairs. To a crazy German father’s delighted face at his wooden plane model, to the opening shoot-out that leads to the Dahlia. And lastly – to the lecherous look of William Finley pawing Kirshner and the smile she gives him.
I’ll next catch this on DVD – and with the passage of time… maybe the disappointment will fade – but for now, I’m sad. I so wanted to love this. I really really did. Oh well.
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Gotta say Harry, I think that was your actual funniest review yet. Not ham-fisted shocking like the Blade II review, just fricking funny. Good job.
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"Laura" is my favorite noir film of all time. Damn that film is awesome. Gotta love the cop who also can't leave his 1940's-era Gameboy alone even when questioning murder suspects. If they ever remade it (and yes it would suck, but I don't get all huffy about it), they'd have to have the cop playing a PSP baseball game all the time as homage.
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G'nite folks, no reason to read the rest of that!
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you fucking dissed something!!!!
way ta go big guy!!
Just give me the Body Double special edition!
no need to see this!
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Come now. It had some moments. But that is the very definition of a watchable mess. What is it doing in Harry's "love" category?
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Seriously, why does this guy keep getting movie roles? He is a terrible actor, plus he manages to have that bowl hairdo in every movie he's in. Get a fuckin' hair stylist. I can't watch any movie that he's in because I know he'll screw it up just by being there. It sucks because the female cast is top drawer.
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It needs to be remadem because DePalma and screeenwriter Josh Friedman screwed the pooch on this one – not only with the script but the casting.
Honestly, it needs to be reshot with Russell Crowe, Guy Pearce and a better script. -
You use halfwit grammar, and you constantly refer to sex because you think it makes you "cool" to Cletus, Jed and all the other victims of inbreeding down at the water hole. I mean, come on...this review is just silly. I understand your point but, Christ, getting there is torture!
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Now I know how Psycho ends.
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This movie could've been a hell of alot better, it had the ingredients. It's not that it was TOO confusing, it just started to have no reason at all. I got to the point where I didn't even care to listen to names and story afterawhile. LAME.
Hollywoodland > Black Dahlia -
Get me a new run of one-sheets with "A clumsy shoddy clusterfuck! - Ain't It Cool News.com" across the top.
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...it was just a clumsy shoddy clusterfuck. Haha brilliant description. Good to see some sense of reason in Harry's geeking out, not everything is perfect.
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Thas all.
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after the first couple of sentences. What a fucking retarded way to start a review. Neither clever nor funny. Idiot.
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There it is! Pointless and over-the-top scatalogical simile, ahoy! Harry, you never fail to disappoint. I thought you were going to let it be with giving us visions of your twitching penis, but, alas, the poop must be mentioned in a true Harry review. Bravo.
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Writes very well. One of things that makes De Palma movies all the more appealing is his way of enhancing the beauty of women. His (De Palma's) emphasis on their eyes and lips does indeed "speak to the penis." De Palma cleary had women of the 1940s in mind when the actresses were "made up." The movie is indeed a waste, but the way they play up the women is not. Harry writes with wisdom.
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...and write a coherent review.
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I am a HUGE Ellroy fan! I met him at a book signing about a year ago and I asked him how the progress was going with DePalma's take on "Dahlia." I think Hartnett was just cast as Bucky and I don't think Mr. Ellroy was too pleased about it. I've been excited about this movie ever since I heard David Fincher was going to do it after "Fight Club." Oh HOW I wish Fincher did this instead of DePalma. DePalma sucks. He hasn't released a good movie in FOREVER! He needs to hang it up. DePalma and his actors TOTALLY FUCKED UP "DAHLIA!" Dahlia is by far one of Ellroy's best novels EVER - and they fucked it up. The acting is cardboard, stale and pure crapulence. The editing is SHIT! DePalma just can't put a decent movie together to save his ASS! (Funny thing: When I bought my tickets, I asked to see "Dahlia" and they accidentally printed out tix for "Little Miss Sunshine." I should have taken that as a sign and gone to see that, I think.)
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EVERYONE can agree that the weakness of the final half hour takes focus away from the great rest of the film. Did ANYONE enjoy the ending?
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Wow, it's been a while since we have seen a negative review from Harry! Good on ya, big man.
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When "Snake Eye's" was released Glieberman called DePalma "not the master of suspense, but the masterbator of suspense." When Herry writes a line like "Brian De Palma makes movies that speak to my penis" it all makes sense now.
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Sep 16, 2006 10:59:06 AM CDT
Not everything can be a Texas Chainsaw Massacre rehash.
by nate champion
Harry's "girlfriend" must be on the rag because it sounds like he spent the movie thinking about jerking off instead of what was on the screen. Happens to the best of us.
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must harry mention his dick or his girlfriend in every review he writes? expand your horizons...
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I'm even ashamed of myself for having read it.
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...and sometimes it doesn't AT ALL. Is it just me? Anyway... the idea of Harry's ginger, balloon-like penis getting concrete makes me want to bash one out right now. And what exactly IS a clusterfuck? And this movie looks almost as bad as the computer game with the same title starring "Hollywood legend" Dennis Hopper.
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last night with my girlfriend and some friends, none of whom care who directed what or who wrote who and it was pretty much agreed that although there were way too many charecters, it was actually pretty good......until the last 20 minutes, Then it was WTF?! THATS IT?. To me, there were scenes that were classic Depalma, beautifully rendered and executed. Halfway through I thought what the hell is wrong with the reviewers, This is good. This doesn't suck and then all of a sudden it just...started...to... suck.
Too bad. -
An unmitigated disaster. Character and motivation are tossed out the window. Incomprehensible nonsense that makes a garbled mess of Ellroy's best, most personal novel. People laughed throughout the screening I just attended. I'm so fucking pissed they fucked this up so bad. The script is the worst adaptation of a book I've ever seen.
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... the whole thing is fucked throughout. People saying that the last thirty minutes diminished it must not have been watching the previous hour and a half of this garbled shit-stain of a film.
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"With the second most badass Mary Philbin film ever." After Phantom of the Opera? Or The Man Who Laughs? What do these have to do with The Black Dahlia?
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And on that day it'll rain money from the sky. Until then I sincerely hope someone will teach him that movie reviews don't need to contain spoilers.
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the fifth episode of Sonic Warriors "Judger Be Judged" is ready to rock your face nuggets...WATCH IT!!!
myspace video:
http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=1174962415
youtube:
Part 1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h0EJleR6Oo4
Part 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cHJoESRpuvw
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am i the only person on the planet who liked snake eyes? i thought that movie was terrific, and it's the only de palma film sans pacino that i own. then again, i haven't seen sisters, body double, or dressed to kill either...
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I was really looking forward to this one. I have to give credit to Josh Harnet. With acting that stiff I don't know how he gets work. The only actor/actress that was good was Aaron Eckhart. I wanted to like it so much. It flirted with awesome camera shots and a first 40-60 minutes that had so much potential. The one thing I really didn't like in the film was Hartnet. Now I didn't read the book but for those who did, who would you have had as Bucky? I though Eckhart was pretty good as Lee though.
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Harry, gotta say brother, my respect for you has dropped a few hundred points. I was first surprised by your declaration that you love Brian De Palma. First off, that was shocking. I can't see how someone who has seen as many films as you have can have any love whatsoever for someone who basically remakes the same film over and over again. From BLOW OUT to BODY DOUBLE (one of the worst pieces of dogshit ever, thanks largely to the tremendously untalented Craig Wasson and Melanie Griffith) to FEMME FATALE and the just plain embarrassing DRESSED TO KILL. CARLITO'S WAY? Shite. RAISING CAIN? MAJOR shite. I honestly don't know what is worse... the fact that you love most of these films or the fact that I have SEEN most of them? I guess I keep hoping for another UNTOUCHABLES. Now, SCARFACE... a film totally watchable and brilliant if only to be seen as a comedy. As a action/drama, it's more shite. But if you view it as a comedy, it totally works. MISSION IMPOSSIBLE... watchable. I like it. At least he tried to DO something with it. CARRIE is embarrassing most of the time, but it does have one of the single greatest jump-scare moments in film history. THE UNTOUCHABLES is the only real FILM that De Palma ever made. Jam-packed with great performaces and tremendous set pieces and the single greatest demise of any villain in movie history... "DID HE SOUND ANYTHING LIKE THAT?!?!" That's just fucking brilliant. And of course, there's the David Fucking Mamet script which just melts in your mind and isn't totally fucked by the actors. Because if you get a script by Mamet where the actors don't understand his rhythms, you might as well forget it. Anyway... I guess I'm just disappointed in ya, Harry. No one who claims to be such a great lover of film should love De Palma so much.
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James Ellroy blows. Reading L.A. CONFIDENTIAL and seeing the film... the film trims away the bloated crap that Ellroy apparently thinks is cool and actually makes a better film than a book. How often does THAT happen? Although, I always felt that with De Palma at the helm of this film, the film would be on par with his writing style. According to every review I've read, apparently I'm right.
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Wait Harry should be nice to this piece of shit? Something this disappointing deserves more attentive words? Fuck it.
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...tompbeast summed my sentiments up nicely
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would, at best, achieve semi-flaccidity. At best. Harry, please don't force me to think about your penis ever again. I am dry heaving with visions of a shrunken albino-white mushroom cap, buried by a grueseome shock of bright orange bush hair resembling the "comedian" carrot top's coif. I mean it, Harry. Never again!!!!
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except that he never really says what he didn't like about it. Instead we get an overview of DePalma's career and Hitch's as well. Lazy review. Go read Mori's instead.
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We, the TBers, would really like to know.
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Elizabeth Short is the sexiest tomboy beanpole on the planet.
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Your credibility is shot, Harry. Its not like McGowan commanded that dildo in the flick, or sucked on it with that cream on its head. That solely belongs to Jemima Rooper, baby. The hottest thing in the flick. And it certainly was not Hillary Swank. Remember these two words, Jemima Rooper, biotches.
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I enjoyed it a lot. I don't go into detective movies expecting masterpiece dramatic film making. I go in wanting to enjoy being along for the ride with the characters as they solve some mystery. I think the movie was fun and when I say fun... I mean... it was fun. I do worry for Harry Potter in the summers now though.
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I'd like to order another round of that too.
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It would have been a decent film had they not cut out the scene with Nicolas Cage in the water pipe that the finale of the film references but it had in fact been excised from the film. That and the totally obvious point that Gary Sinese was a villain from his intro into the film.
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Honestly... the ending was pretty weak... but it was fun... because I really enjoyed Harry Pottor's aunt's perfomance. As for the very very ending... it's very much the kind of ending from the detective books back then. The more I think about the film, the more I like it. I may even go watch it again. The important thing to remember about this movie is... it's a trashy detective story.
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By the way, he nailed this role. If he plays his cards right he can be the next big leading man when he gets a little older. Personally, I hope he does another detective movie. I'd like to see him take on a hard boiled detective series. He does need to work being a bit more charismatic though. He needs some of Denzel Washington's sparkle in his eyes. If he has any spark, it would be good to see it. I remember wathing the 30 days/nights movie and it was pretty fun. He just needs to step out of the James Dean thing some and have some fun. Harrison Ford's serious/fun ratio would work well with him. I hope he figures it out, it would be nice to have a solid leading man from the US.
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Sep 17, 2006 11:18:32 PM CDT
What were all these otherwise talented people thinking
by jacksparasites
when they got involved in this film? They couldn't possibly have finished the script. I liked the film early on. I was a little bothered by the fact that some actors were playing it straight while other actors were trying to sound like old-school noir actors, but that wasn't a big deal. Then after god knows how long (since the film really felt like it was 3 hours long) it stopped making sense. I had no clue who was connected to who and for what reason. And when you have to replay soundbytes that came before, it means it wasn't clear the first time. And it's really bad if they don't clear anything up the second time either. And when characters started to randomly spout out what "really happened" for no reason at all, I was completely done with this garbage. It's a real shame because I was into it early on. And as Harry pointed out, the women in the film were damned easy on the eyes. What the hell were they thinking??
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Harry's semi-erect penis would have settled for nothing less.
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Holy crap was this a stinker! At least 6 people walked out, this movie sucked ass! I was so pissed off...and I was hoping for it to get better, but it got worse! The movie has almost nothing to do with the black dahlia....she's more of a subplot to a trainwreck!
BOTTOM LINE! DO NOT SEE THIS MOVIE! You have been warned! -
That was some fine ghostwriting, sir. We just need you to add some product placement and 10,000 words about what you did on the way to the theater.
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He of the DePalma retrospective coverage? I'd sincerely love to hear his take on this, erm, film.
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A quick googling found him at "another popular film website" interviewing, rather than fantasizing about being sodomized by, DePalma himself.
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On that other popular film website. DePalma says, "It’s funny. When a critic defends me, they’ve got a lot on their plate." Too damned true, but only because your movies end up sucking most of the time. Apparently there's an Untouchables prequel in the works. "Memo to self: don't drop ball in final act."
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was the idea in my head of harry getting hard. oh GOD the humanity dude!
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What a stupid review, not big or clever.
Has Harry even seen his dick for the last 10 years? Fuckin fat bastard!!! -
so therefore, judging by the fact that he has been systematically wrong for a long time, this film will be good.
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I’m a big De Palma fan. I don’t think he was the best director to bring an Ellroy novel to the screen, and I still think we’re waiting on a great film based on an Ellroy book, but this film was definitely entertaining. The ending was a bit weak, it just sort of fizzled out. Apart from that I enjoyed it. De Palma even made Hillary Swank look sexy which is a miracle in itself!
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I’m a big De Palma fan. I don’t think he was the best director to bring an Ellroy novel to the screen, and I still think we’re waiting on a great film based on an Ellroy book, but this film was definitely entertaining. The ending was a bit weak, it just sort of fizzled out. Apart from that I enjoyed it. De Palma even made Hillary Swank look sexy which is a miracle in itself!
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What an excellent review! You know, I'm so impressed by this review, I think I'm going to go around and tell everyone who'll listen how Brian DePalma's films make my dick hard. Maybe then they'll take me seriously as a movie reviewer. Of course, not even Rotten Tomatoes would host my reviews as everyone in the industry will still consider me to be a fat overblown clown with raging red hair who's dating a child that'll eventually divorce me and take half of money and all my reviews from then on will be about how this film and that film remind me of the one person that I had sex with and the one time someone described to me what my penis actually looks like. Thank you, Harry. You're the best idol someone could ever have.
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what the fuck?
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Snake Eyes and Mission Impossible. I hate tom Cruise and so therefore I hated the bloated mission impossible and i dont care how many gazillions it made for Cruise. Snakes eyes was flashy fun, style over substances. I actually flicked in and out of the untouchables. look Depalma is a director I cant watch. tried wathcing carlitos way but seeing as i cant stand Sean Penn and cant bear it when AL Pacinos Overacts, the movie was a complete turnoff. Everyone hypes Depalma because of the one or great movies he made in the 70's and 80's Carrie and Blowback. Depalma Said that he didnt like star wars when he first saw the rough thrown together screening that Lucas showed to his friends and they all laughed. How much money has Lucas made out of star wars. 100s of billions. Depalma and Scorsese blamed Speilberg and Lucas for Destroying there dreams of making arthouse films. Scorsese of course has seen Star wars, when he cleaned up and he though it was great. Scorcese has said that he would like to make a sci-fi film. Scorcese and depalma dont have great careers anymore. The internet is haping the future of all things.
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The Internet isn't shaping jack squat and only a 13 year old or a 40 year old marketing exec would think otherwise. You want to see some DePalma stop flipping through the Untouchables and watch the whole damn thing from begining to end. Then try Blow Out which is probably his best picture. Finally, go back and watch Carrie a couple times. Then come back here and pretend you know what you're talking about.
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Sep 19, 2006 2:26:34 AM CDT
Well, sure, but does your penis talk BACK to the movie?
by greatwhitenoise
On second thought, don't answer that...
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preferably that don't relate to politics. Flames on optimus gags are funnier when they relate to fat chicks etc.
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Damn, i liked the movie until i read what you said. you are probably right. i admit though that i wasn't looking for a great film. i was just expecting a half decent detective film. after watching Piorot it's hard to think of other detective stories as just being 'ok'.
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That's why I like this site: even when Harry slaps up some bullshit "review" about his dick or what route he took to the theater, someone will step up and post the real review in the talkbacks. P.S. I love "Mission to Mars" -- well, the scene where Tim Robbins dies horribly, anyway. The rest is crap.
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and it's wierd you can't just look at pictures of her, you have to watch her on screen talking and walking and all that kind of stuff, the voice goes with the movements and all that.
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If I want to get turned on by a film, I'll usually just watch a good porno...I usually just find it distracting with regular films have too much erotica in them. Although it is certainly great to see mainstream Hollywood actresses in various stages of undress.
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I'll never understand that. I hope Mission to Mars was just a paycheck for him and he put zero effort into it..if not, he is over for sure.
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...than this clunker! Hartnet & Johanson may look very beautiful in the parts, but they're both totaly wooden. Hartnet especially. The only good thing you can really say about him is "Well, at least it isn't Ashton Kutcher". Swank was the only real standout performance. And Mcgowans tiny role was good too. I love Eckhart, but he was criminaly underused. It was a real disapointment, other than the nice scenery. Although the tracking/crane shot served no real purpose other than to take you out of the movie and say "Hey Kids, this is a Brian DePalma film!!!". Not good.
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It's too bad that people are getting turned off by this movie because it is so very complicated. I just saw it for a second time and it was much clearer, and eve more obviously well constructed. And most of the story and emotional sense has to be reconstructed in retrospect, which is good for the movie as art, but bad for it as something one walks out of cheering. Anyway, when you're ready, I think repeat viewings will go down smoother.
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Check out my site: Cinema de Merde
http://tinyurl.com/znj5f -
... as nauseatingly misogynist as this review makes it sound?
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I enjoy complex movies. They're fun to watch. It's fun to try to piece together a bunch of plot twists and mysteries after I walk out of the theater, even after they explain it all. That's part of the magic. It's just that feeling that the filmmakers know something that I don't and I have to figure out what it is. That's fun. I also love film noir. If someone doesn't think the Black Dahlia is film noir, then that person is clueless. This was a good film, not great, but good. When are people going to step back out of the fucking box and realize that not every movie has to be the same as its predecessor - not every noir film has to resemble every other one, not every superhero film has to be just like Spiderman or Batman Begins, not every M. Night film has to be like Sixth Sense and Signs, and not every martial arts film has to have a perfect, consistent storyline. I'm not disappointed with every movie that comes out because I want to see something different. I don't want to see the same that I did last time. Most people cling to an idea and subliminally expect every other action, superhero, mystery, martial arts, or historical film to be exactly alike. BROADEN YOUR MINDS, PEOPLE. DAMN.
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I love this wonderful site, but THE BLACK DAHLIA is two hours of my life I'll never get back. It stunk.
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Nice shootn' Tex. Too bad the movie itself derserves only one word....mess.
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Watching Body Double on the USA network was the first time I ever masturbated. I think I was 10.
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...ALWAYS resembles someone else's film! The guy's an homage engine.
I still haven't stopped laughing at his Potemkin "homage" in "The Untouchables", that film that should have had anyone but Costner in it. -
That's all I gotta say.
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Umm.....why is this still up? and yes, I realize the irony of posting to bitch about old news suffering from a lack of posts.
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There's nothing wrong that could not have been fixed in the editing room...
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