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Test Screening Review of BEOWULF
SCATHING... whew.... Well folks remember, this is just ONE PERSON's opinion, but I do have to chime in with my disapproval in theory of putting Beowulf 2000 years in the future. Given I've never seen a film account of the actual story thus far. This was an early screening, let's see how other people reacted to the film, but... well looks like the curse of Lambert may be here...
Beowulf:
Not the legend, not a reasonable facsimile, not a movie—Avoid
So a good friend of mine emails me and says he has passes to a free screening of an upcoming science-fiction-y movie, “set 2,000 years in the future”. Hmm—could it be a blind for a screening of Trek? Of Vortex? What the heck, it’s off to Mission Hills for a screening.
What we saw was not the latest Trek movie, nor anything else I’d ever heard of previously; it was a European disaster (not a disaster film, just a disaster) called “Beowulf”.
So, what’s wrong with this picture? Let’s start with the beginning. It starts inside a castle (It’s only a model, and a painfully bad one at that) where random guys in random aluminum armor are being randomly killed by some random monster. This so scares some random wench that she escapes the castle and is captured by the army which has laid siege to the castle. The wench is beaten up (extra-loud thumps and whumps anytime a woman is being hurt) and tied down to be executed. She’s saved by Lambert, who kills a bunch of henchmen too stupid to use projectile weapons on him or simply dismount him by sheer numbers. Then, after being saved, she runs back to the henchmen to be executed rather than face The Evil Within again.
Doesn’t sound too bad? Well, my explanation is far more coherent than the flick, trust me. Or the cinematography, or the “acting” (and I use that term loosely). Most of the actors have a wonderful future ahead of them as security guards, plywood, or possibly dimestore mannequins.
Almost the entire rest of the film takes place inside the castle, where Lambert’s bottle-blond Beowulf has come to kill the Ultimate Icky Evil, which appears to be a ripoff of the Predator alien crossed with a ghost (hides in a shape-change field, but also pops through walls). There are tedious battles with many killed people followed by tedious talking scenes with bad dialogue.
How bad? All the women and children are locked in the Sanctuary for their own safe-keeping. Even the homies in the audience could see what was coming… as soon as the door was locked, everyone was killed by the Evil Thing. (Wench Fresh must have sent new vixens over later, though, because there were dead servers in the Final Death Scene… Oh, I could go on.)
What else? The “two millennia in the future” bit was completely unused. It’s one of these mixmaster films which takes a little from multiple eras. They have bottled gas (gas jets everywhere), telescopes and advanced metalworking, but no gunpowder or electricity. Freeze-dried foods but no medicine. No logic, no thought, just random guys doing stuff.
Did I mention the two token black guys? Or that the oldest black guy is the first kill by the predator-clone monster after Christopher Lambert shows up? (Oh, he was wandering around in the dark, alone. After the monster kills a zillion others who do just that. Didn’t any of these people even see Alien?) Or the clinker dialogue, even bad by bad Z-movie standards?
It got so bad that even the wannabe-homeboy crowd would hoot and holler whenever the PG-13 sex scenes would start up… and then “awwww!” loudly when they would precipitously stop. There was really bad editing (Hint: Do Not Cut Angles In Mid-Word Without A Good Reason), a stupid overloud boring Techno score that seemed to be leftovers from Mortal Kombat 14: The Wheelchair Years, not one name actor other than formerly-good Lambert, poorly staged swordplay, too-cliched-for-Xena whirling through the air, stupid dorky aluminum armor, and bad horsemanship besides.
Beowulf is a mess from beginning to end, with no redeeming value. It doesn’t have enough chop-socky for the Mortal Kombat crowd, it doesn’t viddy enough of the old ultraviolence for the blood-spawn crowd, it lacks even the basics of a story for the sensitive types. Those who are hoodwinked by the name into thinking it has anything to do with the legend will return to the theatres with pitchforks and firebrands. To paraphrase Monty Python: “This is not a movie for viewing. This is a movie for laying down and avoiding.”
My rating: square root of minus one. Wait until Mike and the ‘bots get ahold of this turkey; don’t spend even a dollar to rent it. I got in free, and I felt like sending a bill for services rendered to Andy at NRG.
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Really sad to hear this. Like Harry, I believe that they should have made a film based in the mythic past, where Beowulf belongs. Christopher Lambert I thought was perfect for the role, and I still do. But it sounds like this was less an attempt to make an homage to the legend, but more lazy filmmaking.
"Hey, let's make a stylized nonsensical future setting, a recognized name, but not too big an asking salary, and throw in adequate effects and filmaking! We'll save tons on research and labor, and drag in all the Mortal Combat and Highlander fans! Boom! A hit!" Actually that is the splash of a turd in the toilet and thud of movie fans fainting.
I like Christopher Lambert and his work. Highlander, Greystoke, even the first Mortal Combat. I will go see this, just to see for myself. But I fear. Yes, I do. -
Being a huge fan of Christopher Lambert, I'll see it. His role as Fred in Luc Besson's "Subway" is fucking classic. If you haven't seen it with the bad english dubbing you don't know what you're missing. Check out the cast of some of the biggest stars in France during the mid '80s: Isabelle Adjani as Helena, Michel Galabru as Gesberg, Richard Bohringer as the Florist, Jean-Pierre Bacri as Batman, the wonderful Jean-Hugues Anglade as the Roller, and as always everyone's favorite cleaner Jean Reno as the Drummer That Will Not Tell Us His Name! Cameo by Eric Serra! Anyone know where to find a copy of the widescreen British import with trailer? Anyone know why Lambert and Besson haven't worked together since? They won almost every damn Cesar back in 1985.
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Being a huge fan of Christopher Lambert, I'll see it. His role as Fred in Luc Besson's "Subway" is fucking classic. If you haven't seen it with the bad english dubbing you don't know what you're missing. Check out the cast of some of the biggest stars in France during the mid '80s: Isabelle Adjani as Helena, Michel Galabru as Gesberg, Richard Bohringer as the Florist, Jean-Pierre Bacri as Batman, the wonderful Jean-Hugues Anglade as the Roller, and as always everyone's favorite cleaner Jean Reno as the Drummer That Will Not Tell Us His Name! Cameo by Eric Serra! Anyone know where to find a copy of the widescreen British import with trailer? Anyone know why Lambert and Besson haven't worked together since? They won almost every damn Cesar back in 1985.
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Some time ago, I heard a rumor that Neil ("Sandman") Gaiman was working on a screenplay for a movie version of Beowulf? Does anyone know if this is it? From the sound of the review, it doesn't sound like Neil's normal style, so I'm hoping this is a completely different movie.
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I can't help laughing just a bit. A week or so ago, my boyfriend and I attacked the test reviewer dude as we always do when we go to the movies and asked what movie he was giving passes to. "Beowulf", said he. Hey, I'm armed with a way too expensive education and have actually analyzed that poem, thought I. Maybe this will be an interesting flick. "Who's in it?" my boyfriend asks. "Christoper Lambert," says the dude. "Lambert? Um, no thanks." He grabs my hand and pulls me away. Heh. He said Lambert only makes crappy films. Sooooo.. (I love my long intros).... I'm heartily glad after reading this review... that I avoided this caca. (Thanks, honey.) BTW, looking this thing up in the IMDB revealed a first time writer, Mark Christopher Leahy.. and a director by the name of Graham Baker. Unlike his writer, Graham has worked before. He made the unforgettable "Born to Ride" with that huge box-office champ John Stamos. Ew. Big Ew all around.
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What is it with this guy? His choices are shit. He had it at one time and he has made a few good "B" movies over the last ten years (The Hunted, Knight Moves, Gunmen), but he has made so many bad films since THE SICILIAN debacle that he has zero chance of ever making it in the U.S. Even his decent films get cut & dropped to video (anyone see NORTH STAR? The studio raped it and then dumped it to video last year and it's a shame because at the proper length it was a good adventure film).
Who represents this guy? I would love to send him a real script because I wrote one for him and it is ten times better than the crap he has done since HIGHLANDER.
Seriously. How can I get a hold of Lambert's agent? I'm his only hope. And I am NOT kidding.
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I read it, and thought about it. Nothing really matters, and I'm sure Freddie Mercury would've agreed. Great literature will forever be ripe for exploitation in film. So don't cry on my shoulder.
Believe it, or not! There was a time not so long ago when Christopher Lambert was "commercially viable." The same goes for Sir Bob Geldof. This was the strange and beautiful world of the 1980s plus one (of course).
I think Lambert is up for some revisionism, and Bob! Forget about the Danny Cannon/Diane Lane/Lambert fiasco.
Watch Luc Besson's "SUBWAY."
You'll see what I'm geekin' about.
After all, it's not "Jason Kills."
It's "Jason Lives!"
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Why do all you people always read into these movies??? Yeah it's based on a poem, but it changed it so they could have fun with it. Now you say it has dumb people who walk around in the dark when they know theres a monster in there...SO who the hell cares, tell me what movie doesn't have those stupid people who walk in the dark with the monster...alien, predator 1 and 2,Deep Rising, The Relic, they all have it, that is where you get suspense. This movie isn't supposed to be Titanic, it's a movie that you watch for fun. God For Sake you nagging bitching complaing idiots are never happy, the movie was never meant to be titanic or gone with the wind type of movie, it was made for fun, mutch like Mortal Kombat Annihilation, or Army of Darkness. DUHHH!!!!
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Jun 17, 1999 7:08:29 PM CDT
This isn't the first time this has happened, and it worked befor
by tin man
Hmmm. Let's see here.... An epic classic revamped to modern times, or in this case, 2000 years in the future. It seems as if a lot of critics are having a hard time with this, claiming, "Why didn't they just make it back in the past, when it took place?" (Not the only problem they find with it, mind you, but it's part of it)
Well, I can't speak for or against this movie, having never seen it, but I do think we ought to give it a chance. Several films have relocated classic stories, and they opened to pretty good reviews, and I liked them. "Romeo and Juliet" was set in the 90's. Kenneth Branagh's "Hamlet" relocated it to the eighteenth century. Not to mention the French version of "Les Miserables," made in 1995. I think that "Beowulf" in the distant future might work okay, as long as it is executed okay. Lambert was brilliant in "Highlander" and "Greystoke," and he's proven he is a reliable actor, even if his choices in movies pretty much have stunk lately. However, I am a huge fan of the "Beowulf" poem, and all the reviews and as long as this film, despite changes, manage to keep the spirit of the anciet epic alive, then I'm all for it! I can look beyond bad lines and choppy scenes.... "The Phantom Menace" and "A New Hope," and most other films nowadays have lousy dialogue and choppy scenes...You gotta learn to accept that and overlook it and see films not as real life, but as simply movies made for the purpose of entertainment.
This is the first screen adaptation of the poem, and I guess they consider this change a big experiment. Hey, as long as the experiment works, I can support it! I'm looking forward to this movie! -
Most of the Beowulf reviews are bad, and that is no coincidence, especially if you are expecting Christopher Lambert (the Highlander scholar) to film an epic Old English poem. But is it also a coincidence that almost every reviewer on the internet points out that Grendel looks like "The Predator"?
To this ghost writer and his plagiarizers I have this question: What would you make Grendel look like - Pee Wee Herman? Give me a break. If Predator came out after Beowulf, you'd probably be blaming Predator for stealing Grendel.
Everyone wants to be on the winning team - I guess that's why there are so many Yankees fans, and why the bad reviews of Beowulf sound like they are all written by the same person. Is everyone really so upset that the film bears so little resemblance to the poem, or are they just disappointed at the realization that they wasted 5 bucks that should have been spent on a Coles Notes book?
Anyone who doesn't know by now that Lambert doesn't take himself or his films too seriously has probably never picked up on the contrast between the mock "stern" persona and the dry delivery of his character's sparse dialogue. The olde dry wit reappears early in this film when Lambert nearly finishes off somebody after Beowulf is being ordered to withdraw, then after a mock death thrust pleasantly says "just kidding".
Aside from the Cardinal sins of not being an illiterate's visual representation of the epic poem and not taking itself too seriously (does any Lambert film?), my Beowulf beef is little dialogue and long waits between the action scenes.
I think the problem people are really having with Beowulf is not that it doesn't resemble the poem, but that it also doesn't resemble enough anything else they hoped it would when they rented it.
I think Lambert's Beowulf was also talking to the audience, and to the critics, when his character feigned the death thrust and said "just kidding".
Come on, how did you expect Lambert to treat Beowulf? Seriously? Give me a break.
I can picture Lambert reading the reviews from the PC in his study right now, chomping down on a fat cuban cigar, and chuckling... and on his desk, a copy of another "Epic" script to bring to the big screen. Come on folks, this is his Schtick - roll with it...
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