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Massawyrm Makes THE COVENANT Wi-Otch!!
SPOILER ALERT !!
Hola all. Massawyrm here.
Movies this bad don’t happen by accident. Careful planning, time and dedication is required to waste millions of dollars and two whole hours of an audiences time. I mean, first you have to call up your buddy at the sci-fi network and ask him to send you a box of rejected scripts for pilots, then you have to convince someone to give you the money to make it, then you’ve got to somehow convince the actors that this won’t kill their careers. That’s a lot of hard work. And for that effort, and that effort alone, I applaud the makers of the Covenant.
This is B-movie crap to the Nth degree. A sad, pathetic wankfest for gay 13 year old gothkids. Good thing they’ve already got trench coats. Somewhere along the line the makers of Underworld got together with a couple direct to video film makers and said “Hey, why don’t we make something loud, pretty and incomprehensible? You know, something the emo kids would LOVE. I mean, how cool would it be if we crossed The Lost Boys with The Craft and gave it that Underworld edge?” Not cool at all, I’m afraid. At least, not if you take it seriously.
The film opens with White Zombie’s “More Human than Human”, which really sets the tone for the whole film. That is to say that it could have been cool 10 years ago, but now it’s just tired. The entire film plays out like it was written by someone who spent WAY too much time in the 90’s playing Vampire: The Masquerade while listening to Morrissey albums. It’s no surprise that the writer behind this is the brilliant mind that brought us Sniper 3, The Forsaken and last years Wesley Snipes direct-to-video Magnum Opus The Marksman. This is a guy that only Vern could go “Oh, you mean J.S. Cardone.” And who better to direct the work of such a pedigreed writer than Renny Harlin, a man who hasn’t made a watchable film since the 90’s.
The Covenant has more gaping holes than the bathtub girl at a frat party. First of all, it’s about a group of boys from four different families (but all the exact same age) who possess unbelievable powers that allow them to reconstruct reality and belong to a society so secret, so hush hush, that in order to learn anything about them, you have to check out a book from the school library. And they all go to a school that is apparently so selective that their school records include all the newspaper clippings, adoption papers and family histories necessary to fill in every last bit of exposition you need to get the plot going again. And when you can’t get the plot going that way, all we need is someone to go home so their mother can explain everything the audience needs to know in one easy monologue.
Then there’s this whole thing with these ghosts called ‘darklings’ that show up out of the blue for no apparent reason other than to make the film creepy for half a second. The best the movie can explain them is that it’s how witches fuck with one another. Like “HAHA! Scared you with the ghost of the guy I killed, didn’t I? LOL!” It’s text messaging with the dead. And frankly, dumb as shit.
Yes, friends, this movie is epic. At first it comes across as both terrible and terribly boring, but then it gets…crazy. Crazy funny. In fact, I would hazard to say that this is one of the funniest movies I’ve seen all year. When naked young men aren’t busy leaning against locker room walls casually talking, their girlfriends are sitting around in their dorm rooms in sexy lingerie talking about boys. And then someone actually has the balls to say “I’m gonna make you my Wi-otch!” That was the point I lost it. I couldn’t hold back anymore. What began as casual giggles turned into full blown laughter. I laughed myself sick through the rest of the film.
The climax alone is a stunner. I mean, they spend the whole film building up to this massive fight, showing us the incredible powers these “witches” possess (Rebuilding exploding cars, leaping 1000 feet to the beach below (because the makers of Underworld believe that every supernatural creature should have the ability to do this, because it’s COOL…and no, hasn’t been done like a thousand times now), magically having their car appear on the bottom with them when they do jump, slamming people around like rag dolls and simply killing people with a thought. And if that weren’t enough, the movie tells us TIME AND AGAIN that this is just the beginning – because on your 18th birthday, at precisely 11:12 p.m. (I’m guessing they mean Eastern Standard Time – which I believe both Network television and world altering magic are set to) you ‘Ascend’ getting almost Godlike powers. Sounds like it’s gonna be one hell of a final battle, huh? Especially since the fight starts at 11:10 p.m. Pretty fucking massive, right?
Um. No. Apparently, despite their immense power, when witches throw down, they do so by throwing translucent balls of CG at one another. One guy throws an energy ball. Then the other guy throws an energy ball. The guy left standing gets to pose and say something snarky about how powerful he is. This goes on for what seems to be a half hour. It’s like a fucking episode of Dragonball Z, without the scenes of people watching the fight on TV. That or they went to the Ken and Ryu school of Witchcraft. Ho-yudokin! Ho-Yudokin! But that ascension shit is pretty crazy, right? Nope. Apparently, when you ascend into your godlike powers, you just get to throw bigger and more powerful translucent balls of CG.
And when the barn they’re fighting in (which is dark and dank to hide the wires – the only feasible explanation for why they would meet in a fucking barn to have a fight in the first place) catches fire, they find it necessary to look scared and duck out of the way of falling timber…because they somehow don’t think to use their world altering powers to, you know, put the fire out or keep things from falling on them.
Films really don’t get much more retarded than this. However, if you have a thing for young men baring their asses or want to get REALLY drunk and watch something incredibly funny, then this is the movie for you. Probably this year’s most unintentionally funny film, this is something I highly recommend to you midnight movie buffs that seek out the worst of the worst. Complete with outrageous dialog (it bears repeating “I’m gonna make you my Wi-otch!”), wooden acting and unrepentantly silly logic, this movie is making me smile hours later. The most ri-god damned-diculous thing you’ll see in a long while.
Not recommended for anyone, ANYONE, who cannot appreciate a movie for how awe-inspiringly terrible it is. Anyone who was actually looking forward to this is about to be completely fucked out of 10 dollars.
Until next time friends, smoke ‘em if ya got ‘em. I know I will.
Massawyrm
I’ve gotta move to to this Ipswitch place. Apparently everyone who lives there looks like a fucking Gap model. Hell yeah!
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Histories of subcultures always seem difficult to pinpoint accurately but it seems as though Emo (short for emotional hardcore) began as an offshoot of washington dc hardcore punk around the summer of 1985. This summer was often known as the revolution summer to those involved. several of the more intellectual and politically motivated members of the DC hardcore scene recognized that their shows were being taken over by violent skinheads. As a solution, they all quit their bands and started making slower, more melodic, emotionally charged hardcore bereft of breakdowns and mosh parts that skinheads loved to get violent too. The skinheads hated it and left. However, the new style of hardcore favoring more nuanced song writing, personal takes on socio-political issues as well as actually using non-distorted guitar parts and shifting rapidly from quiet to loud quickly spread across the country and developed over the course of the late 80's and early 90's. Emo scenes, or pockets of intense creativity sprouted up in san diego, champlaign (sp?), seattle, harrisonburg, virginia, and philadelphia to name a few. Bands followed a do it yourself ethic, designing and recording LPs instead of CDs which they could effectively and cheaply produce themselves.
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I think with this review I have finally forgiven you for the "Ant Bully" communist manifesto garbage. This review is an AICN classic for the ages!
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my friend wants to see this tonight. I need to find something else to watch instead. I'd watch the Protector if I hadn't already seen it. Maybe I can push in Hollywood Land instead. Anything's better then this. Ugh...
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Most reviewers went into this with a preconceived notion that the target audience is teenage females, teenage females have 'no taste' (as opposed to different taste from middle aged male movie reviewers), and therefore, nothing about the movie should be appreciated. BUT Massawyrm, you came through in a big way. Not sure how you managed to last until the barn scene without heckling this movie (we started from scene one), but the fact that you are willing to give it props for being hilarious (it is, oohhhhh it is) makes me happy. This movie is truly Showgirls for man lovers (straight females and gay males). It's so bad it's truly ingenius. And yes, the locker room scene is pretty much the most amazing thing you will ever see if you like the male flesh. Most male directors will show a locker room scene thus: a bunch of guys, not looking at each other, all dressed in towels except for one extra they paid to show off his ass. Not for Renny Harlin. Nuh-uh. Manflesh is everywhere, and these guys are all just totally desensitized to the massive amounts of manflesh everywhere, and the camera actually shows you all of it. Never seen anything like it. And lest you straight males be too threatened, there are plenty of gratuitous ass shots of the girls (clothed, but still, I mean, these are just random cutaways to ass where there is no reason whatsoever, total genius). As Comedian X said, this IS what SOAP should have been. Almost all the actors are invested in the world of the movie (good, we need this to be able to mock that world) but ONE actor, the bad guy (how perfect!) totally gets how ridiculous it is to call someone his Wi-otch. And he winks his way to the finale (which is good, because compared to the four sons, he is totally not hot, so he needed something going on). So basically, he acts as the breaker of the fourth wall, allowing us to have someone in the movie to share our snickerings with. Awesome recipe for a good bad movie. Really, shockingly, awesome. Can't wait to mock it again!
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Most reviewers went into this with a preconceived notion that the target audience is teenage females, teenage females have 'no taste' (as opposed to different taste from middle aged male movie reviewers), and therefore, nothing about the movie should be appreciated. BUT Massawyrm, you came through in a big way. Not sure how you managed to last until the barn scene without heckling this movie (we started from scene one), but the fact that you are willing to give it props for being hilarious (it is, oohhhhh it is) makes me happy. This movie is truly Showgirls for man lovers (straight females and gay males). It's so bad it's truly ingenius. And yes, the locker room scene is pretty much the most amazing thing you will ever see if you like the male flesh. Most male directors will show a locker room scene thus: a bunch of guys, not looking at each other, all dressed in towels except for one extra they paid to show off his ass. Not for Renny Harlin. Nuh-uh. Manflesh is everywhere, and these guys are all just totally desensitized to the massive amounts of manflesh everywhere, and the camera actually shows you all of it. Never seen anything like it. And lest you straight males be too threatened, there are plenty of gratuitous ass shots of the girls (clothed, but still, I mean, these are just random cutaways to ass where there is no reason whatsoever, total genius). As Comedian X said, this IS what SOAP should have been. Almost all the actors are invested in the world of the movie (good, we need this to be able to mock that world) but ONE actor, the bad guy (how perfect!) totally gets how ridiculous it is to call someone his Wi-otch. And he winks his way to the finale (which is good, because compared to the four sons, he is totally not hot, so he needed something going on). So basically, he acts as the breaker of the fourth wall, allowing us to have someone in the movie to share our snickerings with. Awesome recipe for a good bad movie. Really, shockingly, awesome. Can't wait to mock it again!
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Most reviewers went into this with a preconceived notion that the target audience is teenage females, teenage females have 'no taste' (as opposed to different taste from middle aged male movie reviewers), and therefore, nothing about the movie should be appreciated. BUT you came through in a big way. Not sure how you managed to last until the barn scene without heckling this movie (we started from scene one), but the fact that you are willing to give it props for being hilarious (it is, oohhhhh it is) makes me happy. This movie is truly Showgirls for man lovers (straight females and gay males). The locker room scene is amazing. Most male directors have a bunch of guys, not looking at each other, all dressed in towels except for one extra they paid to show his ass. Not Renny Harlin. Manflesh is everywhere, and these guys are all just totally desensitized to it, and the camera actually shows you all of it. And lest you straight males be too threatened, there are plenty of gratuitous ass shots of the girls (clothed, but still, random cutaways to ass where there is no reason whatsoever, total genius). As Comedian X said, this IS what SOAP should have been. Almost all the actors are invested in the world of the movie (we need this to be able to mock that world) but ONE actor, the bad guy, totally gets how ridiculous it is to call someone his Wi-otch. And he winks his way to the finale (which is good, because compared to the four sons, he's ugly, so he needed something). So he acts as the breaker of the fourth wall, allowing us to have someone in the movie to share our snickerings with. Awesome recipe for a good bad movie. Can't wait to mock it again!
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Most reviewers went into this with a preconceived notion that the target audience is teenage females, teenage females have 'no taste' (as opposed to different taste from middle aged male movie reviewers), and therefore, nothing about the movie should be appreciated. BUT you came through in a big way. Not sure how you managed to last until the barn scene without heckling this movie (we started from scene one), but the fact that you are willing to give it props for being hilarious (it is, oohhhhh it is) makes me happy.
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