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Just another piece of crap movie in which the two protagonists finally confess their feelings for each other in an ending scene outside during a thunderstorm. Why is it that people in movies like to stand around and talk in the rain?


I suppose it's probably time to write one of these again. I know I took last week off, and I'm sure most of you noticed (thwacking the refresh button on your browser over and over again in the hope that AICN-D was almost upon you), but I let it go. Partly, this was because I've noticed that my sudden commitment to bringing a new column each week has revealed that the frequency of these columns is directly disproportionate to the level of interest they generate. Mostly, though, this was because I was in beautiful Hobart (in Tasmania, for those who have lost their GoogleMaps bookmark), and the holiday vibe just wasn't screaming "write your column!".

Speaking of being in Tasmania, I happened to coincide my visit with Kevin Smith's visit to the mainland. All of my friends managed to get to the screening of CLERKS II plus the Smith Q&A, and to my credit I wasn't the slightest bit insanely-jealous when they told me about it later.

Listening to their reactions to the film was interesting, though. They all totally loved the film, but added they'd probably need to see it again to catch all of the lines they'd missed. The lines they'd missed were every second one, and this seemed to be because the audience was in rapturous laughter at every single scrap of dialogue, slight facial expression, or Jason Mewes nudity.

Now this is the audience I wanted to see the film with. If you recall my review of the film, I saw it with a room full of middle-aged film critics, and was so embarrassed at my own laughter that I spent most of my energy trying to hide it in my hands. An audience will always influence your enjoyment of whatever it is you're watching, and thinking back, I now have an even greater appreciation for CLERKS II: if I managed to really dig the film in a room full of vaguely hostile film critics, imagine how much I'd enjoy it if I saw it with, y'know, real film fans!

The idea of seeing a film with its intended audience is one that doesn't, however, always work in practice. Commonly, animated films are played at times when critics can bring their kids or nephews or neices or (in my case) cousins. Now, even if the intended audience for the film is the six year old seated directly across the aisle from you, if that six year old begins screaming at various points throughout the film, it might have an adverse affect on your enjoyment. But if that film is, say, ANT BULLY (review below), then it doesn't matter so much.

So what's with the mid-week column? Well, this evening I'll once again be leaving my home state for parts not unknown. The reason for my trip? Scroll down to the Awards, Festivals and Screenings section you always skim over...


The problem with writing this column sporadically is that when news breaks and I chase up my sources and get a whole lot of stuff on it, then go on holiday and don't write the column for a week and a half, the news is kind-of stale. Luckily, I'm able to counter this problem by not caring much at all and writing about it anyway. Okay, Peter Jackson. Who is he? What's he up to? How awesome is it that he doesn't wear shoes? Love it. So by now you've read about him producing the DAM BUSTERS remake with Christian Rivers at the helm. Direct quote from my source: "[Rivers is] a seriously cool and very talented guy." So he's got that going for him. But what of this dubious scoop about THE HOBBIT being set for 2007? First of all, I don't care whether they're using Ralph Bakshi and a couple of hand puppets, New Line is not getting this film out in 2007. I agree with the suggestions that it means they're planning to start shooting in 2007, but I'd say that's more of a hopeful intention than a real plan. For starters, nobody at Weta has ben talking about this. The guys I've been speaking to have said that those in the know have been happily chatting about DAM BUSTERS and Neill Blomkamp and all the stuff they really shouldn't be openly discussing, and nobody has mentioned anything about THE HOBBIT. The best we can expect is that somebody at New Line will talk to PJ and company soon about the possibility of putting the film into pre-production, but for now all this HOBBIT business is a storm in a teacup. Resume normal life.

It was only a matter of time before Sam Worthington (SOMERSAULT, MACBETH) got a big break overseas, and now JoBlo is suggesting it's happened. In an interview with Google (the web browser that now apparently chats to movie stars), Worthington revealed he's competing with a mysterious "big name" for the role of ex-Marine Josh in James Cameron's AVATAR. I'd say his chances will go up once people start seeing MACBETH and discussing his performance. More on this when there's confirmation...

Rose Byrne hasn't quite made the impact I thought she'd make, which is surprising given she's both prettier and more talented than Wentworth Miller, who is my current gold standard. She's had some bit parts in TROY and WICKER PARK, but she'll be seen a bit more prominently in zombie sequel 28 WEEKS LATER, not to be confused with the non-existent Sandra Bullock relapse comedy 28 WEEKS.

A few weeks ago, we mentioned the upcoming indie film THE NEXT RACE. The trailer has just gone live, so head to and check it out.



In a few hours, I jump on a jet plane and head up to the Gold Coast Film Fantastic, where I will be introducing Terry Gilliam's TIDELAND on the closing night of the festival. Book your ticket for the session, rock up to Reading Cinemas at 8pm, and bask in the awesomeness of me, and (if you must) Terry Gilliam. As excited as I am to see Gilliam's brilliance once again, I'm foaming at the mouth to see PAN'S LABYRINTH., which is the opening night film this Wednesday. There's a whole bunch of other cool stuff, so go to the Gold Coast Film Fantastic website, make some bookings, and prepare for five days of utter coolness.


Rolf de Heer was awarded the Silver Medallion for the "significant impression" he has made on the world of cinema. The ceremony took place this past week in Telluride, following a screening of his film TEN CANOES. The award was presented to him by people who had presumably not seen BAD BOY BUBBY or ALEXANDRA'S PROJECT.


Recently, the Oscars changed their rules so that the category of Foreign Language Film does not require the film to be in the country's official language. Presumably, this means a film made entirely in Klingon or Elvish would be a contender. And having typed that, I'm almost positive I've made that joke before. Nevertheless, Australia has announced it is submitting Rolf de Heer's TEN CANOES in the category, as it was filmed entirely in one of the many indigenous Aboriginal dialects.


Everyone got in on the exclusive joke, pushing Sam the Man's thriller up to number one. Aside from DUPREE, it's not a bad-looking list. Hopefully, we'll see 48 SHADES up there next week...



A comedy-drama aimed at teens completely forgets to be condescending towards them, Kevin Smith disproves his critics (ie: me) by having a good reason to show his characters ten years on, five guys have funny initials, wasn't this film made years ago?, we get a glimpse of what SEX IN THE CITY or DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES might be like if either of them were well-written, and Roger Avary hopes the Hills Have Legs.




The good news is, it's not as bad as SHARK TALE. The bad news is, it's as bad as ROBOTS.

You're not going to want to, say, gouge your eyes out with the hairpin of the girl sitting in front of you. You will, however, spend most of the running time wondering what the bloody point of making this film was.

I mean, I know what the film is about. It's about small people standing up to big people who bully them. I know this because the line "I'm BIG and you're SMALL!" is repeated so often, it's almost as if the logline of the film was accidentally pasted onto every third page of the script and nobody noticed. Given A BUG'S LIFE managed to cover much the same ground -- and did so with humour and clever storytelling and an interesting plot -- there's really not much point of a retread.

So what does ANT BULLY give us that neither A BUG'S LIFE nor ANTS could offer? The big one is Nicolas Cage's character: an ant that does magic. Yes, you read that correctly. This is one of my favourite deus ex machinas of all time in that the only possible explanation for why he's a wizard is that we need the main character kid shrunk down to ant size and there are a bunch of dangerous situations that need quick, question-free solving.

It's also sad to see Bruce Campbell in yet another piece of lazy stunt casting. I don't fault The Chin for wanting to pay the bills (like I could get mad at him), but his character suffers most from the film's biggest failure: its lack of jokes. The humour in ANT BULLY falls into two categories. The first is "hey, that guy fell over! Classic!". Bruce's ant gets the majority of these, particularly the ones where the punchline revolves around him going from heroic to terrified in the blink of an eye. The other category is extreme sarcasm. Now, I've never subscribed to the view that sarcasm is the lowest form of humour. I think it can be, but it's not necessarily a lock. Go buy the "Blackadder" DVDs if you don't believe me -- sarcasm has never been finer. ANT BULLY is at the other end of the spectrum. When a character needs to make an important point, he will do so by putting on the most over-the-top "I'm being sarcastic" voice possible and emphasising each syllable with unnecessary force. Like "hey, that guy fell over!", I can stand it one or two times, but when the entire film is overloaded with it, you go further and further into the foetal position as the film progresses.

Actually, Lily Tomlin suffers more than Bruce does. I just remembered the grandmother character; possibly the lamest character ever put into a modern animated film. Y'know, outside of SHARK TALE. The alien conspiracy-obsessed grandmother whose teeth keep coming out? That's who's supposed to babysit the kids? Are you kidding me? Or does the fault lie with me in hoping to find a modicum of logic within the proceedings?

The true barometer for these films is whether the kids enjoy them or not, and all the kids I saw (including the ones I brought with me) seemed fairly bored when there wasn't an extremely loud action sequence taking place. And there are a fair few non-sequitorial loud action sequences. (By the way, if you haven't read it, AICN published the definitive review of ANT BULLY, written by Massawyrm. Read it -- I guarantee you'll love it.)

Oh, and Nicolas Cage is a wizard ant.


(contains spoilers)

LADY IN THE WATER has the dubious honour of being not only the worst script that M. Night Shyamalan has written, but being the most interesting autobiographical film I've ever seen.

You've probably heard the plot of the film a fair bit (introverted superintendent finds a magical being in the apartment swimming pool), but that's not what it's about. Here's the real plot: a writer (played by M. Night Shyamalan) is inspired to write the most amazing piece of prose which will one day bring peace and love to the world, but he has to battle evil film critics first. This wonderful plot is coloured by the following points: all beings, both mystical and human, have been brought together to ensure Night finishes his great works; he finds out he'll die before his work his recognised, thus allowing him to enjoy his martyrdom whilst still alive; critics do not take their power seriously, and this can result in innocent people dying; people who don't appreciate or understand Night's work are dangerous.

I'm not making any of this shit up. I mean, I went in looking forward to seeing Bob Balaban's contemptuous critic because the idea of a critic-despising filmmaker having a totally unlikeable film critic character in his film is a pretty funny one. Unfortunately, it's funny in concept only. The execution is actually a little pathetic. Balaban's critic makes his mind up about films before he sees them, never says thank you or goodbye or anything vaguely polite, and believes he can predict everything that will happen in a film. It's in this character's plotline that Shyamalan makes one of the biggest errors of judgment I've seen in a script since, say, OCEAN'S 12. Firstly, he's set up a whole bunch of archetypes, residents of the apartment block who are essentially plot points in human form. Then the story calls for certain archetypes, so our hero (Cleveland Heep, played by Paul Giamatti) goes to the critic to ask about how to find character archetypes. The critic explains how these things are set up in films, and Cleveland uses this to track down the people he thinks they need. Later, they discover that they picked all the wrong people, and somebody wonders who could have been so presumptuous as to presume what people should do. For his sins, the critic is mauled to death in one of the more humourless sequences (and it wants to be humourous) I've ever witnessed.

One of the big problems with this whole plotline is that Shyamalan actually sets up all of his supporting characters by introducing us to their skills or uses. It's clumsily handled, and we don't meet a single person that doesn't have some importance to the plot. Having a critic point out this lazy storytelling does not forgive it, nor does it make the film critique-proof. All it does is point out that you're aware of your script's failings, which actually makes the whole thing worse. If you knew you were writing a film where all the characters are one-dimensional plot devices, why not change it? Hanging a lantern on it does you no favours.

Whilst the arrogance of the critic plotline makes you a bit annoyed, the blandness of the "main" plot just leaves you bored. First of all, it's not entirely clear what this mystical creature is doing there. Secondly, Cleveland appears to accept her existence immediately, without her really saying much about who she is. Thirdly, the motivations seem to come out of nowhere. When Cleveland says, "we need to get her home", I was thinking "oh, is that what we're doing now? When did that happen?". Characters appear out of nowhere with unmotivated motivations. Exchanges in the film have the ring of truth of: "Hi, my name's Bob." "Hi, Bob." "Why won't you believe in fairies?!?"

THE VILLAGE made me angry because it had so much potential, and went in the most predictable, uninteresting direction it could have gone. I understand that the "twist" was the impetus for the film, and I appreciate the subtext it creates, but from a purely story point of view, it was a big ball-drop. LADY IN THE WATER doesn't make me angry, because as much as I liked the idea of a film in the form of a bedtime story, there's really nothing of promise to be ruined.

M. Night Shyamalan needs a script editor like no one else. The preciousness with which he treats his own work is ridiculous, and blaming film critics for his own poor storytelling just makes him look sad. I love THE SIXTH SENSE, I love UNBREAKABLE, and I met him halfway with SIGNS, but the guy has disappeared so far up his own arse, you end up simply feeling sorry for him. With any luck -- before he goes into production on his next film -- Shyamalan will realise that when his films are bad it's not actually the fault of evil film critics, misguided Disney executives, unenlightened marketers or stupid audiences, but with his own storytelling.


- - Dreamworks animation to make a film about a Russian war ship that also happens to be a celebrated actor and showtunes singer, BATTLESHIP PATINPKIN

- Mel Gibson makes an error of judgment by failing to check the spelling of the title when he agrees to star in the courtroom drama remake, TRIAL BY JEWRY

- M. Night Shyamalan to play himself in Sidney Lumet's drama about a man who unsuccessfully attempt to join a lesbian militia group, in NIGHT FAILS IN MAN-HATIN'

Peace out,


Readers Talkback
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  • Sept. 5, 2006, 10:26 a.m. CST


    by talbuckin

  • Sept. 5, 2006, 10:53 a.m. CST

    Hobbit hobbit hobbit

    by Mallestarion

    Peter Jackson should not direct this one, because if he continues his trend, the Hobbit will be seven fucking hours long. And my refusal to ever leave a movie at the cinema, combined with my shrinking bladder(old fart problem), will probably make me do something pretty nasty right in my seat, after somewhere around four hours.

  • Sept. 5, 2006, 11:53 a.m. CST

    Steve Irwin

    by georges garvaren

    was rad and was in a movie so I think it is fair to pay a small tribute to the man. Adios brother.

  • Sept. 5, 2006, 12:08 p.m. CST

    The Hobbit would make a great miniseries

    by rev_skarekroe

    You could divide into roughly two-chapters per episode and spread it out over the course of week. Problems? Apparently the dwarf makeup was the toughest to do in LotR, and in this movie you'd have 13 guys in it for most of the film (not to mention an entire Dwarven army at the end). Also there are no female characters in the entire book. What's up with that?

  • Sept. 5, 2006, 12:19 p.m. CST

    "Balaban's critic...never says thank you..."

    by Jubba

    I believe he was touched at the party being thrown and he thanked the stoners for it, but they didn't know who he was.

  • Sept. 5, 2006, 1:31 p.m. CST

    You sank my Battlechimp

    by Squashua

  • Sept. 5, 2006, 2:08 p.m. CST

    Yeah, R.I.P. Steve Irwin.

    by pokadoo

    Sad News. Goodbye Crocodile Man!

  • Sept. 5, 2006, 2:13 p.m. CST

    The Hobbit will get made, but not yet

    by performingmonkey

    Some pre-production was already done for The Hobbit. This will help along with the fact that the world already exists, the Shire and Rivendell just need to be rebuilt, and underground stuff can just be lifted from LOTR. Also, Gollum is a piece of cake for them to do now. Just get Serkis down for the mocap. It'll be relatively straightforward to make. However, where The Hobbit is a lot more 'kiddie' compared with LOTR, I bet you anything that Peter will change that to keep the adult audience. He will add more action, which is good, he will cut out some cheesier parts, he will give more depth to the Laketown people so that when they all get burned to death (MWAHAHAHAHAHA, well not all of them burn) it will mean more. Maybe the most difficult part will be casting the young Bilbo. And would Mckellen return as Gandalf?

  • Sept. 5, 2006, 2:57 p.m. CST

    on behalf of AICN talkbackers everywhere

    by newc0253

    let me offer our condolences to the people and commonwealth of Australia for the tragic loss of Steve Irwin. he gave so much happiness to so many people, and so much irritation to so many animals, everywhere.

  • Sept. 5, 2006, 3:28 p.m. CST

    thanks for the mid-week column, Latauro

    by BadMrWonka

    it's a holiday weekend here in Amur-ka, so I actually didn't miss the down under column, which I usually look forward to. beer, bowling and girls all weekend!! (well, girl singular) I agree about sham-alan, just keeps getting worse the farther into his private sanctuary of moviemaking he goes. if you really have complete control over every aspect of your films from start to finish, you better be Kubrick. Night, unfortunately, is basically a film student that paid more attention to Spielberg than Kubrick in class. and Spielberg lets OTHER PEOPLE write, produce and collaborate on his projects. take a note, ding-dong. I liked the Mel Gibson joke, here's my suggestion: A&E will be showing an hour-long retrospective on Mel Gibson's career this Friday, it's called "Gone in 60 Seconds"

  • Sept. 5, 2006, 5:29 p.m. CST

    A 6 week old "Lady" review? YAWN!

    by Kink

  • Sept. 5, 2006, 6:08 p.m. CST

    kink... it's a column for australia...

    by ephor

    Did you even read the headline? He reviews LITW because it's being released in Australia this week. See you at Film Fantastic Lat

  • Sept. 5, 2006, 6:39 p.m. CST

    Ian Holm

    by Shaw

    Do you think there's any chance they could get Holm to play Bilbo? It worked alright for the flashbacks in FOTR but it might be pushing it for an entire movie. Thoughts?

  • Sept. 5, 2006, 6:43 p.m. CST

    A really well written six-week old "Lady" review

    by BannedOnTheRun

    I'm waiting to crocodiles to begin attacking stingrays worldwide.

  • Sept. 5, 2006, 8:08 p.m. CST

    Kevin Smith

    by Leedrick

    I arrived at my hotel in Sydney (work trip) to see that the state theatre over the road was advertising the Clerks 2 Premier. I spoke to one of the guys taking down the sign and he said Kevin was doing the Q and A. I figured it wasn't worth going in, but it seemed to go on for a long time after that and now I wish I had.

  • Sept. 5, 2006, 8:24 p.m. CST


    by Leedrick

    Lat: I love it how people get some kind of kick out of letting you know that a movie you've just seen and reviewed was released in another country first. I'm certainly impressed by them, however as an australian (the group at which I assume your column is targeted), I do enjoy reading your take on films before I see them.

  • Sept. 5, 2006, 8:30 p.m. CST

    The Hobbit

    by Leedrick

    I'm not really interested in a film version of the hobbit. I loved LOTR, but making the hobbit is like buying a ferrari, then deciding you need to have datson 120y. Well. Sort of. My analogy generator is broken:(

  • Sept. 5, 2006, 9:20 p.m. CST


    by Shaw

    You have to admit, it would be pretty cool to see that dragon. I'm still not convicned that it's actually going to happen though. This could all be a tease.

  • Sept. 5, 2006, 9:30 p.m. CST


    by Leedrick

    The dragon would be cool, but the story is a tale for children. It is simplistic and too similar to so many copied fantasy stories. It would probably be a great film for children too young to enjoy LOTR (and a good introduction), so it probably should be made, but I don't have much interest in it myself.

  • Sept. 5, 2006, 10:30 p.m. CST

    Sony & New Line co-jointly own The Hobbit's film rights

    by TJ50

    A live action film adaptation of The Hobbit will inevitably happen, but probably not for a couple more years at the earliest ; The Hobbit's film rights are both co-owned by New Line and MGM - Sony, who both own 50 % and will have to agree to split the film's lucrative cinema and DVD profits. Then they'll have to agree to pay Peter Jackson a shitload of money to make it, as his fee would be much higher than what he made previously.

  • Sept. 5, 2006, 10:51 p.m. CST


    by Leedrick

    That sure sounds like a tight deal:)

  • Sept. 5, 2006, 10:52 p.m. CST

    Love any column that disses Sex and the City...

    by The Wrong Guy

    That show was as vapid as any I've EVER come across. Just dreadful.

  • Sept. 6, 2006, 3:27 a.m. CST

    WHere was the HOBBIT Story at Laturo? I can't find that

    by silentbobafett2

    on AICN ANYWHERE!!!! And I sent it in!!!!!! :-)

  • Sept. 6, 2006, 3:30 a.m. CST

    I'm GOING CRAZY! Where is the AICN hobbit scoop!?!

    by silentbobafett2

  • Sept. 6, 2006, 5:39 a.m. CST


    by Shaw

    Fair enough. I can't argue with your points. I'll pay the price of admission just to see more of McKellen as Gandalf though.

  • Sept. 6, 2006, 6:40 a.m. CST

    Damn straight about LADY IN THE WATER Lat...

    by brokentusk

    Couldn't have put it better myself. On another note: they seriously need to start work on THE HOBBIT - audiences would eat it up!

  • Sept. 6, 2006, 11:39 a.m. CST

    Yeah, rumor or not let's have it!

    by Tinfang

    So, did silentbobafett2 send in a Hobbit rumor report or not Latauro? Screw everything else!

  • Sept. 6, 2006, 1:22 p.m. CST

    ANT BULLY = COMMUNISM!!!!!!!!!!!!

    by PwnedByStallone

    according to Massawyrm.

  • Sept. 6, 2006, 4:05 p.m. CST


    by ZombieSolutions

    I really liked the LOTR movies alot. I really, really did. I liked the books alot to when I was a kid. Now? Bored of it. It's a closed circtuit. The story is done. Nothing else to say. Don't really care about a THE HOBBIT movie. Medieval European fantasy is boring. Remove from oven. Insert fork (or halberd, if you must). Done. (Of course, I'm a drooling maniac for all things STAR WARS so I recognize the power of these things; some stuff just really sticks with you forever, no matter how corny, overwrought, or overdone they are.)

  • Sept. 6, 2006, 7:57 p.m. CST

    Oh my, and here I thought I actually enjoyed Tolkien.

    by Tinfang

    Snif, it was boring all along. Thanks Mr. SharksOnABus for setting me straight. I'm going to go out buy my Jedi Knight outfit for my Wookie Convention Halloween Party right now. Want to come? It WON'T be boring at all and any Medival European Fantasy fags who show up will get their asses kicked! I see the Saber-light now. Praise the Force!

  • Sept. 6, 2006, 8:24 p.m. CST

    Wow! I Had No Idea I Had So Much Power!

    by ZombieSolutions

    I wasn't really trying to dissuade you from playing footsie on that big fluffy white bed with Frodo and his boyfriends, but it seems I did anyway?! WOW! All with my opnion?! An opinion I went on to openly mock for its fanboyish transparency?! Cool! I must be The Chosen One! *** PS: Not much into cosplay myself, but you go ahead and knock yourself out, man. Oh, and roll a 20 sided die for a saving throw against sarcasm! Now run along and pluck thine lute! you must have greensleeves memorized by the solstice or I will have thine DnD resource manuals burned!

  • Sept. 7, 2006, 12:38 a.m. CST

    Sure, The Hobbit is much more juvenile than LOTR, but..

    by DarthCorleone

    ...I can't believe there aren't innumerable kids-at-heart (including myself) who wouldn't be thrilled to see those spiders, the goblins, Smaug, Beorn, the Eagles, and the Battle of the Five Armies all in action. And "Riddles In the Dark" with Andy Serkis? Oh, man, that scene will be fantastic.

  • Sept. 7, 2006, 4:27 p.m. CST

    Hilarious review of LITW.

    by minderbinder

    Sure, the Hobbit has a different tone than LotR, but it could easily make an incredible rollicking action adventure flick that kids and adults would love. You know they'll do it, and you know it will be killer.

  • Sept. 8, 2006, 5:09 a.m. CST

    The Force has let me down!

    by Tinfang

    The costume store had all of their SW outfits in the kids section. Worse, all of the action figure collectibles were in the toy section. TOY section?!! Then I got hit by The Irony Bus when I stepped back outside and crossed the street. Heaven is pretty cool though and I've already shared a few pints with J.R.R. Gods favorite book, as it turns out, is 'The Hobbit.' He's looking forward to the movie too and thinks Serkis will kick total ass again. I'm already on to the "What have I got in my pocket?" trick though. Man, whoulda thunk it?