ARMY OF DARKNESS

I have always preferred EVIL DEAD 2 to ARMY OF DARKNESS.

There... I said it. I find that that instant clarafication helps a reader to instantly know where one’s mind is at.

I just recently caught this (two nights in a row) at the ALAMO DRAFTHOUSE, here in Austin. The first night I went with Father Geek, Johnny Wad, Robogeek, Lance Mungia and Tom Joad. The second night I went with Tom Joad, Mia The Catholic School Girl, Rizzo and Quint.

The night began with Tom Joad and I planning to watch my new DVD of EVIL DEAD 2. Ya see the night before we (Dad, he and I) had all seen ARMY OF DARKNESS.

But I figured I would call the lovely Mia, The Catholic School Girl, and see if she wanted to see ARMY OF DARKNESS at the Alamo. Knowing that Mia, The Catholic School Girl, had no car... well I figured she might want a night a good Guinness and a good movie. Ain’t I a romantic?

Well, she informed me that a friend of hers, Rizzo, and she were going to see BELOVED. Now... I don’t know. When I give a gal the option between seeing Ash and seeing BELOVED, if she doesn’t instantly say something like, “Well let me see if she wants to see ARMY OF DARKNESS”... well... cricket cricket cricket... ya get it?

“Well let me see if she wants to see ARMY OF DARKNESS, I’ll give you a call right back.”

This is when Tom Joad and I sat in utter suspense.

You see. Mia, The Catholic School Girl... well she’s a babe that loves horror films. The rarest of all creations. On top of everything else, she’s intelligent. Obviously created by Dr Finklestein to be a super-perfect being.

RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGG!!!

“Sure come on over”

Yes!!!! Alright. Mia, The Catholic School Girl and her friend Rizzo wanted to go with a couple of slugs named Tom Joad and Harry the Human Bean Bag to see ASH get some. Coool.

So we (Joad and I) headed off into the sort of dangerous world that such a gem would live. Coded entrances, mountains of sleeping policemen... indeed this was an adventure.

Upon entering the domicile of Mia, The Catholic School Girl, we instantly beheld Siggy (affectionate name for that Freud fella) the chihuahua. You know... I think chihuahuas can vibrate through solid objects.

Anyways we watched a bit of EVIL DEAD 2, then we all four hop into the Joad Jalopy and head to the Drafthouse.

Looking like the fantastic four that we were, we bounded up the stairs to behold our hero.

Quint was staked out at the top of the stairs like some sort of crusty ol seaman.

We enter the theater.

Mia, The Catholic School Girl and Rizzo order a pitcher of GUINNESS. Ok, this is the sort of thing the girl you should marry will do. She will order a pitcher of Guinness and she will gleefully and excitedly watch ARMY OF DARKNESS.

Joad and I smiled. There are only two other such women in our lives that are as cool. Annette Kellerman and the Moonshiner. Indeed the world is cool to have 4 such beauties in existence. (are you inferring that I am kissing ass? How dare you! These are my honest and non-motivated feelings that document the precise thoughts of the moment) heheheheheh

The film begins.

GOD THIS MOVIE IS SOOOOOOO COOOL

“First you wanna kill me, now you wanna kiss me. Blow.”

“Alright, you primitive screwheads, listen up: THIS... is my BOOM STICK!”

“Yo, she-bitch! Let's go!”

“Don't touch that please, your primitive intellect wouldn't understand things with alloys and compositions and things with ... molecular structures.”

“Good... Bad... I'm the guy with the gun.”

“Gimme some sugar, baby.”

Like Jesus did so many years ago, and Buddha and all those other religious leaders.... well ASH is a god. He is just a no nonsense super-male.

Within the heart, mind and testicles of every man is a ASH dying to get out. That raw he-male that just wants to go home with a beer and kick back. But... when we can’t... well we have to kick ass. And for us... ASH is that kicker of ass.

I think I first saw the first pangs of ASH is John Wayne, then I saw him in Steve McQueen... for a second or two ASH was in Mad Max, but... they all paled next to the king.

“Hail to the king, baby.”

And to the select super-women that worship ASH... I say “My phone number is 512-467-8747, call anytime, night or day” See that’s the sort of stuff I can pull because I’m reckless and a scoundrel.

Ash is that geek dream of a perfect male. The guy with Fangoria in his trunk, that works a tedious job but... well has talents that the common ‘shopper’ can only gawk at. He’ll love a woman when she needs loving, he’ll toss her to the side when it’s time to unload on some Candarian Deadite. And you know how often them damn Deadite’s pop up. Them bastards pop up all the damn time.

In a uber cool world, like the world we geeks live in, Jack Burton, Ash and Nada all were high school buddies that went out and became a truck driver, a housewares guy and the third entered construction.

But all three will kick ass like you can’t friggin imagine. They’ll shoot anything that so much as twitch the wrong way. They’ve been in the shit man. I ain’t talking about no wussy ass NAM or WWII, I’m talking about demons and aliens and stuff you don’t even want to mess with.

But like I was saying at the beginning before I got destracted. I prefer EVIL DEAD 2. Why?

Flying Eyeball. Possessed Hand. That witch in the Fruit Cellar. The magnitude of blood. The gore. The plain evilness of it. The stunningly brilliant physical comedy of Bruce Campbell, who is a patron saint of geekdom.

Now if you happen to have never seen this film, then say 30 “Hail Ash’s” and get your ass educated soon. How’d you find this page anyway.

ARMY OF DARKNESS is the kind of ubercool movies we geeks thrive on.

IF YOU HAVE THE ORIGINAL ENDING ON TAPE, PLEASE CONTACT ME. IT RECENTLY CAME TO MY ATTENTION THAT THIS WAS ON THE MEXICAN PRINT OF THE FILM THAT SHOWED IN MEXICO. THE VERSION THAT HAD ASH END UP IN THE FUTURE. I MUST SEE THIS. I AM NOT COMPLETE TILL I DO. DAMN THEM STUDIO BASTARDS!!!!

Oh as a footnote it should be noted that Mia, The Catholic School Girl and Rizzo both loved ARMY OF DARKNESS, thus making them perfect.